Fighting On Vacation? 5 Steps to Stop Stress & Struggles #482
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So we're at the beach and there's this young family sitting close by with two daughters, Emma, who sits and plays and sings happily. There's a slightly older, dark-haired girl, Sophie. She's intense, purposeful, more serious. She's one of our kids. Look, you can see these kids anywhere. Their eyes are intense.

They're oftentimes, not always, but oftentimes like cats, off by themselves, sometimes brooding, always thinking and planning and even scheming. They want to do things a different way. They don't check off the boxes and do normal kid things. Sophie is twirling a plastic shovel. Of course she is. Why would a strong-willed child use the shovel for its intended purpose? Mom says, Sophie, you don't twirl a shovel. You use it to dig in the sand.

And my immediate thought is the strong-willed child will never do things the way you want. These kids will irritate you and there will be an accident coming with this shovel. And that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And you can find us in our summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com.

look, I'm going to do, I'm super excited about this. I'm drinking my AG1. I've got on my cozy earth shirt because I use this for my podcast and everything else because it's so comfortable. And there's so many lessons in this particular episode. I hope you will share this one with your spouse, with other people. And many of you are going to be at the beach sometime this summer. And I wanted to share this story because I think it's going to be really insightful and helpful if you have a strong willed child. So

In this scene, you have a very typical strong-willed child, Sophie, and a compliant child, Emma. The compliant child will use the shovel the proper and correct and right way to dig in the sand. Emma won't throw sand in the air. She'll make little sand castles and play beautifully. It's awesome.

Some of us did not get a compliant child that makes you look like a fantastic parent. We got Sophie. She wants to do a baton twirl but doesn't have one, so she picks up the shovel and begins to twirl it. Mom naturally and predictably says, Sophie, put the shovel down now, please. That's not how we use it.

Sophie looks straight at her mom and continues twirling it. Now, we as a family are intently watching. We kind of suspect how this is going to turn out. Now, mom naturally doesn't like that. Sophie isn't listening to her. And who can blame this mom? Who can blame you? I mean, inside you have to be screaming, why?

Why does this child have to be so difficult? We paid all this money to stay at the beach and this is supposed to be relaxing, an actual vacation. Why can't this daughter just be like all the other kids and happily build sandcastles and play in the water and come out when we ask her to? Why does she have to be so obstinate? Look, that's normal to think.

So with a little irritation in her voice, mom commands Sophie, I'm not going to ask you again. Put the shovel down. I always love that one because Sophie knows her mom will actually ask again.

Sophie doesn't listen right away and I can see her twirling thoughts in her brain as well. Well, I don't want to put it down. I like how it feels. I like the challenge. Well, what's the consequence if I don't? Maybe it's worth it. And there are all these unseen factors motivating Sophie here.

This is probably meeting some sensory needs for her. Balancing this thing that's lopsided in weight is a challenge. No one else on the beach is doing this. And think about this. Sophie knows she cannot compete on the same playing field as her perfect sister. She'll never be as compliant and good as her sister. She wants to do something her sister can't.

but she doesn't or can't ever really articulate all of that. So she stands there defying her mother. Should she just put the shovel down like her mom asked? Sure, but also maybe not. Some of these things we ask of our kids are right, but they're also arbitrary at times, right? Well, that's really bothering me, so stop it.

Will your strong-willed child do that? Probably not. In a few minutes, I'll show you a different way to handle these situations so you don't spend the next 5 or 10 or 15 or 20 years needlessly choosing power struggles with your strong-willed child. So, mom's tone gets more stern. Clipped.

And understandably, right? Predictably, Sophie, put the shovel down now. By the way, if you notice your tone of voice getting that way, catch yourself because nothing good happens when you start using that tone.

So Sophie predictably twirls the shovel one more time and in doing so loses control of it. And we all watch. It's kind of like as it's in slow motion, the shovel spinning through the air out of control. The little plastic handle headed right for mom's head.

Now, mom reacts by putting her hands up to block the shovel from hitting her. Well done. She probably has a lot of practice with that. Mom also reacts furiously, understandably. Sophie predictably runs off. We know her name because her parents yell at her, come back, Sophie. Sophie, you come back here right now. And our family looked at each other, nodded and said, she's not coming back.

So, alas, Sophie keeps walking away because she knew she did something wrong and she's embarrassed and she needs space to calm down. Yes, it appears she is being disobedient by not listening to her mother. But as soon as that shovel fell and hit her mom, here's what Sophie knew. My mom and dad and family are going to think I did that on purpose when it was really just an accident.

And I know, I know what you were thinking because I think the same thing. If she had simply done what her mother had asked her to do in the first place, this would not have happened.

And this is a kid who seems to always bring trouble on herself. I get that. That's true in many ways. But if you fall into the trap of misunderstanding your kid's motives, which is a huge trigger for many of us highly sensitive and highly disobedient people, it will breed a deep level of anger deep inside that will rear its ugly head in time.

It will cause kids to shut down or become outwardly defiant and angry, to internalize that the world is against me, so why even bother?

And I do understand it would be so much easier if they just listened and did the normal, rational, easy thing that you have asked. But you have watched your kids for the first three or seven or nine or 15 years of their lives. This is not who they are. So you are, in essence, trying to change their nature. You are wishing for something that will never materialize in their childhood.

I am asking you to wrestle with this and finally accept this as truth and accept your child. And I'm challenging you to go a step further and actually enjoy this nature, to work with it, to stop fighting it and to start nurturing it

then you will get the breakthrough. And I had a really hard time with this. And that's why I use the word wrestling, because you do have to wrestle with your preconceived ideas you have carried about what a child should do and be and how they should act about the role of the authority figure and how you were raised. You have to wrestle with the opinions and judgment of your own family, maybe even your own spouse.

who says you're coddling this child, letting her get away with things, that if you'd finally just discipline this kid, she'd behave. But you've done that. You've done love and logic. You've been very clear and followed through with consequences. And yet this child does not respond to them at all.

And you're possibly, now you're in this thing where you're fighting with your spouse, the person you married and chose to have kids with. And now you don't agree with this. And it's a mess. How did it get to this? And I was that unsupportive spouse at one time.

to the moms who love your kids and want to so badly for them to be accepted and loved and do well. You have to wrestle with your own control issues, maybe your own anxiety. And I'm going to cover anxiety in the next podcast on Wednesday. It's going to be really good.

You are probably too rigid. You're probably also worn out because you do so much and don't have any support. So I get that. But you have to lay down your ideas of what a good little girl or boy is supposed to be like. You have to raise the child you have been given, not the one you wanted.

to the dads out there like me who were raised to be disciplined and follow the rules and this is how you're successful in the real world. I get it. But

But you have a choice to make. You can dig in and insist that this child who came out of the womb this way and has always been like this change. In which case your child will know deep down you've never really accepted him or her. Which will cause a lifetime of trying to earn dad's elusive acceptance and

and you will likely create a divide between you and your spouse that will lead to ruin one day. I've seen it over the years. It happens all the time. Or you can humble yourself. You can let go of your control issues and realize this is a kid, a child, your child,

Should your child listen and follow directions? Sure. Should you also be a grown-up and know how to control your own emotions? Yeah. So why are we just picking on the child's behavior here when yours and mine isn't always that stellar? We tell our kids, think about your actions, make good choices, but we don't always think. We react, and we make bad choices.

So back to the scene at the beach. Sophie has walked away, but it's interesting if you watch her. She goes just far enough that she can have some space, but not too far so that she's out of sight because she knows that would trigger her parents even more. And she's got her feet in the water and she's processing. These are deeply feeling kids with a lot of thoughts rumbling through their heads. They need that space to process some or all of the following.

Why do I always get in trouble? Why do I have to be the bad kid? I didn't mean to drop the shovel so it hit my mom. Why does everyone always assume the worst about me? Why can't I just be like my sister and do what I'm told? Why do I choose this? Why won't anyone understand me? See, can you hear all the conflicting feelings inside?

When our kids get in trouble at school, there's so many conflicting emotions and it's confusing. And after a few minutes, Sophie begins slowly walking back toward her parents and it actually gets worse.

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Sophie is doing the walk of shame. She knows the lecture and berating that's about to take place. In this case, we're going to add some extra shame. As Sophie approaches her family, a young couple, her aunt and uncle, who look happy and carefree, apparently because they don't have kids yet, is there. Mom says, Sophie, Sophie, do you want to tell your aunt and uncle how you didn't listen to me and hit me with a shovel?

Great, a little public shaming now. Again, I get it. You feel lost at times, like nothing you say is getting through to your child. So you enlist the help of anyone and everyone who may be able to knock some sense into your child. But it only makes it worse. And I'll add a side note. Sometimes parents enlist the help of a therapist who will hopefully get through to your child.

But that's usually a waste of money and further instills in your child there's something wrong with them. So I'm asking you to be careful with that, please. So what do we expect Sophie to say to her aunt and uncle? Well, I was twirling a shovel because I thought that was interesting, but apparently it's wrong. And I wasn't supposed to because my mom has control issues. She told me to stop and I didn't listen because I'm stubborn, pig-headed, and disobedient.

When I did stop, I fumbled with the shovel and it fell and hit my mom in the head. And as you can see, my sister is the good child and I'm the bad child. So that's what happened. Now it's your turn to look at me in a disapproving way and lecture me and tell me to be someone I'm not. And when I go in the water, you all can continue talking about me in hushed tones and picking out all the things I do wrong. Yeah, that about sums it up.

Look, we obviously don't want that. So let's rewind to those decision points and see what we could do differently next time. And you are going to encounter these decision points that can crush your child's spirit and your relationship or bring you closer and build her confidence. And you've got to get these decision points right. You don't have to be perfect. You know that. I don't do blame or guilt.

But we've got to really work on this because these can slowly build up until your child knows no one is ever happy with me and I'm always in trouble. See, the kid is always the same. She's going to do something irritating. The only variable that matters is...

Your response and you have complete control over that. So number one when Sophie is twirling the shovel it annoys you I don't expect or even want you to get to the point where you immediately say inside Oh, I just treasure my little neurodivergent strong-willed child and all of his or her quirks. I

I know there are some people who are like that, and sometimes it sounds fake. It's perfectly okay to think and feel, I don't like these traits all the time. I wish my child were easier and just did things the more normal way. There's nothing wrong with thinking that.

but you can't act on that and react out of those feelings. Instead, I want you to internally wrestle with those thoughts and consciously make a choice to see your child and their behavior and choices differently.

Yeah, I'm looking at my two daughters right now, one happily sitting and singing and being so easy, and the other, as usual, is doing something the hard way, twirling a shovel, and this will probably end with someone getting hurt feelings or a hurt head.

It irritates me. I want to correct and lecture her. But I make a conscious decision in this moment to reset myself and see the situation differently. I ask myself, what is Sophie getting out of this? What needs are being met?

And if you can embrace your child's nature, it will change you. It will cause you to mature and grow up because they will expose all of your triggers, your immaturity, your control issues, and your anxiety so you can work on them.

Number two, now you can respond differently. Sophie, that is way harder to twirl a shovel than a baton. Twirling a baton is boring. Twirling a shovel, no one else on the beach is doing that. That odd shape, that uneven weight distribution, that means you're going to have to concentrate even harder and adjust your hands. Most kids wouldn't even try to do something that hard.

Why don't you take 11 steps backwards? I like really interesting numbers for these kids. It's backward and practice twirling it and we'll watch. Or you may say, hey, we won't watch until you tell us you're ready because sometimes our kids don't want to be watched.

Now you just affirmed your daughter. You spoke truth about her. You just reframed the entire situation from a defiant girl who doesn't listen to a girl willing to take on challenges other kids won't. Can you imagine what that feels like inside for one of our kids? Look, that's why I want kids to listen to the podcast and the downloadable programs so they feel understood. Number three.

But let's say you didn't do that the scene unfolded as is Sophie walks away and that gives you time to reset again Your initial reaction of being angry is normal. I'm not asking you to be superhuman So you slow your world down inside reset yourself and get up and walk down the beach towards your daughter not angrily and when you meet her you turn and walk together back towards your family now

Now she's expecting the stern lecture. Instead, you could say, Sophie, I'm sorry that sometimes I misunderstand you and misjudge your motives. That probably feels awful. What I missed is that by twirling that shovel, you were taking on a challenge and it probably felt good because you like sensory pressure. And I want to compliment you. You were upset and ran off, but you never left our sight and you actually calmed yourself down.

I don't even do that well all the time. That shows me you're growing up. Why don't we go back and we can try that again because I'd love to see if you can actually twirl that shovel like a baton. Now, two points. She probably won't want to do it now, so let it go and move on.

And walks with kids are amazing. Make a habit of this. Walk next to your kids where there's not eye contact. You'll have the best conversations when you aren't looking them in the eyes and you're just walking it. Try it. My awesome sister-in-law used to go on late night walks with my niece when she was a teen in the snow, in their pajamas, in the dark and have the best talks.

Number three, when you get back to the family, you say to her aunt and uncle, you know what's really cool? Other kids try to balance and twirl things like batons. Sophie was learning how to actually twirl and balance a shovel. Now, you don't have to do that, but it's a heck of a lot better than shaming her in front of family.

One of the most important parts of this is actually just modeling how you want the rest of your family to see and talk to your strong will kids. See, if you're not confident, if you're always frustrated, they'll follow your lead. Instead, when they bring things up about your child, don't get defensive. Reframe what they are seeing. Yeah, I know she doesn't want to do things the way other kids do.

Isn't that what we always profess to say we want for our kids to be independent and think for themselves and not be followers? And yet when she is different, everyone wants her to conform. I like that she's willing to do it the hard way. See, shame your family instead of your child. Kind of kidding, but I love that.

I'm not kidding. Number four, one of the traps we fall into with our kids is constantly noticing, correcting, and criticizing what they are doing wrong. For the next week, observe your kids. Notice what they're already doing well, even if you don't like the way they do it. After this scene, we watch Sophie walk 30 yards down to the ocean.

fill a pail with water, then walk back up and dump the water in a hole her sister was digging. She did this dozens and dozens of times. She never stopped moving. She liked the sensory pressure of carrying something heavy. While everyone adored the happy singing Emma, no one paid attention to Sophie's constant relentless work.

So how about instead of our schools and society constantly saying, wow, she never stops. She has a lot of energy in a negative way. We start noticing you are so strong and persistent and helpful, refilling and carrying these pails of water like that.

Thank you. We get so focused on trying to change their behavior. We get so annoyed that they're so challenging. We forget to see they are just kids who want to be liked and affirmed and accepted as they are, just like every other person on this planet.

it. So this coming weekend or summer, when a situation like this unfolds in your home, remember these lessons. Let your kids listen to the podcast. If you have our downloadable programs, let them listen over the summer.

I'll end with a cool, here's a cool encouragement. This is a family from the Netherlands and they emailed and said, we drove to the South of France last weekend. We played your programs in the car and we asked our kids, if you want, listen and tell us three things we could start doing differently. And we were a little afraid they'd think we were giving them power over the home.

But our kids actually came up with constructive changes. We practiced during our holiday. They liked the agency and knowing we were changing our behavior too, that it wasn't just about them. I love that. That's leadership. That's modeling. That's cool. Okay, let's do this, moms and dads. Thank you for working so hard at this. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.