Kids Ignore, Resist, or Fight You? Get Them Moving More Quickly. #457
25:07 Share

I have to share a funny story. So I go to my wellness exam with a new doctor and she says, you have such beautiful skin, which guys aren't used to hearing. And I couldn't help blurting out, you need to try OneSkin at OneSkin.co and use code Kirk for 15% off your first order. I told her Mrs. Calm and I both use OneSkin because the changing seasons can cause your skin to feel irritated and tight.

One Skin's OS1 Peptide helps calm your skin and reverse the signs of cellular aging. It's the first ingredient proven to help skin look, feel, and behave like its younger self. Plus, it's easy to use. It makes my skin feel healthy and moisturized.

Invest in the health and longevity of your skin with OneSkin. Your future self will thank you. Get 15% off with code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code Kirk. And please let OneSkin know that we sent you.

Do you have a child who kind of gives up when things get hard, especially with schoolwork? Most of us do. That's why I encourage you to check out iXL.com/Kirk. iXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K-12, whether they are struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. Each activity on iXL helps your child build up the determination to push through challenges and feel a tangible sense of accomplishment from learning.

IXL's extensive content library empowers kids to explore their interests and take charge of their learning journey the way strong-willed kids like to do it. Our kids love IXL's positive feedback awards and educational games that guide your child in the way they learn best. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership or

when you sign up today at iXL.com/kirk. Visit iXL.com/kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price.

So do you have kids who resist you when you try to get them moving? Sometimes they'll ignore you. They'll dawdle. They'll go more slowly. You call them to come for dinner or get ready to leave the house and you hear this like, "Oh, five more minutes. Just give me a minute." And you know it's not five minutes. Or you go to pick them up from a play date and your child cries or lashes out at you. That's always awesome in front of one of your friends.

or they just refuse to get out of the pool. What about this? Your kids are playing video games and you're trying to get them to move. That is a huge trigger for some of us and it's tough. So how can you get resistant kids moving without a huge power struggle? I want to show you a tough approach, but an even better way that melts the resistance

changes your child's attitude, and actually turns power struggles into bonding opportunities. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Black Friday sale in March sale at CelebrateCalm.com. We're getting so much positive response to that. We're just going to keep doing it for a little bit.

So quick shout out to my friend Lincoln in Duluth, Minnesota. He listens to the podcast with his dad and he's been helping his dad by cleaning out the litter box, something he doesn't like doing. And the deal was if he did that for a month, he'd get a big bag of Twizzlers. So I just sent him a five pound tub. So Lincoln, I'm proud of you for stepping up and being responsible. Enjoy the Twizzlers. Try to make them last a little while. So here's the principle of

We want to enter into our child's world and lead them back out. And this was prompted by a really good question from parents. Hey, our strong-willed child always negotiates, shocker, when we ask her to come in for dinner, coming up with excuses to keep playing basketball.

Now, here's my answer. First, we just discovered a huge clue about how to help your child with schoolwork. This is something we overlook to our detriment. So one of the first steps I always ask parents to do is simply observe your child. Your kids will tell you everything they need by what they do because they will very clearly show you how they learn best

If you watch and observe them, notice what they naturally gravitate toward doing, what calms them. If you have kids that like being in confined spaces, where you can do homework under the table or in a car or the garage, in an attic, they can sleep in a sleeping bag, in the closet or in a tent. And I can use confined spaces and sensory pressure to actually help calm them down. Look, this girl loves basketball. It's relaxing.

So guess where I am going to quiz her about her math facts, vocabulary words, and history questions. Guess where we're going to have tough talks?

right there on the driveway while shooting foul shots. I promise you it will work so much better there. So everything your kids do is a clue. Observe, take notes, be curious, experiment. So here are a couple options for handling this with your daughter. Number one, you can double down on tough consequences. Hey, I'll give you seven more minutes.

when this basketball buzzer or music goes off, you must be inside within 35 seconds. That's the shot clock limit in women's college basketball. You've got to be inside within 35 seconds. For every minute that you are late, you forfeit 15 minutes of play time tomorrow night.

I like tough, firm discipline. As long as your expectations are crystal clear and your tone, as a matter of fact, no drama, no negotiation. You just do what you said you were going to do. You can try that route and it may work or it may devolve into more power struggles. And look, I wish I could just say, hey, if you're tough and firm like this, it'll work every time. It doesn't work that way with strong-willed kids. So I like having a lot of tools involved

in my parenting toolbox. Now, my favorite strategy for this is different. I actually want to turn the power struggle into a bonding opportunity. So what if you went outside and did the following instead?

Hey, Courtney, I love that you're outside playing because you're outside. All the other kids are in the neighborhood, have their heads buried in screens. So thanks for not causing endless fights over screens. Hmm. See, that's kind of refreshing to hear from my parents. Instead of the lecture how I don't listen, I never follow directions, I always cause all these fights. Now I get to hear, I love that you're outside playing.

Hey, Courtney, I admire your persistence and discipline in practicing foul shots to get better. Those qualities are going to serve you well in life.

So say that. Now, I forbid you to say, well, if you would just do that with your school and chores, you'd be capable of so much more. No, you don't do that. You just affirm what they're already doing well, not what you want to change. I could stop the podcast right there and just say, go do that for a week and watch what happens.

And then you turn that power struggle into a bonding moment and you shoot foul shots with your daughter. She likes to be competitive. You say, hey, let's shoot 20, see who gets more. You could play a game of horse, laugh and play together. Not every time, but sometimes.

And the principle is connection comes before compliance, right? So then you can say in a low tone, hey, nice job on the court. Hey, it's time to go in. While we're eating, why don't we talk about some different plays or strategies you can use in your next game?

And this is why I call it entering in and leading out. You entered into her world to identify what is important to your child. You connected. It doesn't even have to take that long. That can take two minutes, six minutes, seven minutes. But after you enter into your child's world and connect, then you can lead them back out.

Look, I've talked about this. It's not about convincing your child, threatening, bribing. You lead these strong-willed kids instead of yelling. You draw her into a conversation. Breathe into that situation instead of fighting it. And you will not only get her to move, you will build amazing memories with your child today.

and she will listen more. And I guarantee you this down the road, when this girl's a teenager, she's going to say, hey, mom or dad, hey, will you go shoot some foul shots with me? And that's code word for something's happening in my teen or tween drama life,

that I need some help with, and I don't want to just have a sit-down talk looking you in the eyes. We can do it while we're casually shooting foul shots. I guarantee you that's what will happen. It is a beautiful thing. And so then when you need your daughter to listen immediately, you'll be able to say, hey,

Tonight's a code red night, Courtney. We can't play because we need to go to your sister's soccer game, visit grandma in the hospital.

But on the way there, why don't you tell me what you've learned in taking all these foul shots? Because I'm really impressed. See, you can do a mix where you say, hey, tonight's not that night. And see, even the tone of it is just, hey, tonight's not that night. And I like saying it's a code red night. Code red means, hey, we really need to move. Because you know what? You don't really have to move quickly every night. And so I want you to use...

Use these things with wisdom and not say like, well, every night's a hurry. You've got to always listen. No, not always because they're not. And some nights are a green night, which means, you know what?

Why don't instead of coming for dinner, why don't you just bring some snacks out and we'll just play out here together? Why wouldn't that be an awesome idea? And some nights are yellow, which means, hey, I've got three minutes to shoot. Okay, I'm going to give you five. We'll each do five shots. And some nights, hey, red night, we don't have time. We need to go.

And so if you use this approach, you can stop the power struggles with all kinds of different issues. Now, what about a child who refuses to move when you pick them up from a friend's house or try to get them out of the pool? It's my birthday and I want to feel great for many more of these birthdays. So...

I work out, I stay very active, and I begin every single day with my AG1. In the first 60 seconds of my day, I get my daily dose of vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, and adaptogens to support my gut health and a healthy mood. So check out drinkag1.com slash calm.

AG1 powers these podcast ideas because it helps me feel mentally sharp and it powers all those Instagram videos because it makes me feel energized. Plus my gut just feels calm and settled and regular and that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. I think you should try AG1 as well.

AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. I love the travel packs. So check out drinkag1.com to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com and let's be healthy together.

If you listen to the podcast, you know what I got for my birthday. More Cozy Earth. I'm not kidding when I say wearing this pullover. I've got it on right now. It is like wearing heaven. So Mrs. Calm got me Cozy Earth pajamas. And she even saved 40% off at CozyEarth.com slash calm with code calm. The only problem, I wear them half the day. I'm kind of like your kids. I find something comfortable and I don't want to stop wearing it.

And that's because Cozy Earth products, they're purposefully designed to transform your time at home into a cozy sanctuary. Casey surprised me with luxurious Cozy Earth Nantucket bathhouse. It is a perfect mix. They're like super absorbent, but it's like spa-like softness. So when I take my shower at night, I get to crawl into my buttery soft temperature regulating bamboo sheets. It's like sleeping on heavenly clouds.

Luxury should not be out of reach. So visit CozyEarth.com and use my exclusive code CALM for 40% off best-selling sheets, towels, pajamas, and more. Be sure to tell them the Calm Guy sent you.

So you allowed your child to stay an extra hour at their friend's house trying to be nice because this is a kid who complains that he doesn't get enough time. And so you were being nice, but it compresses your evening timeline. And we have an agenda because it's a school night. So there's a lot to do. So you show up.

at your friend's house and you make some idle chit chat, but you are laser focused on getting your son home because you as a parent have 1800 things in your mind all at once. You know that if your child doesn't eat, he'll be crabby and won't go to bed on time. And you know that showers after a long day are usually a fight. So you're anticipating that.

and he's going to be wound up, which means a prolonged bedtime, and you're already tired and need the kids to go to sleep, and you have another child who's sick, and you didn't get to the store today, and your boss just texted about another project that is superseding the one you're working on after the kids go to bed, and then there are a thousand other things that just have to get done. So you walk in, and the first thing you hear from your son is not gratitude for the extra time.

Instead, the child who you have sacrificed everything for is not happy to see you. Oh, mom, why are you here? Just what you were hoping to hear from your beloved son. Get your shoes on, Devin. It's a school night and...

We start in on that as if he's going to say, right away, mother, I know you have dozens of items on your checklist, and I'm so very grateful you allowed me extra time to play with my best friend, so I'll move extra quickly. Yeah, it's not happening. He basically ignores you and yells, I don't know where my shoes are, as he runs off and yells excitedly to play with his friend some more. And your shoulders kind of slump because you don't have time for this, and you know how this ends.

In Threats Under Your Breath, this is the last time you get to play with Jimmy on a school night.

And look, you haven't done anything wrong. You're trying to be a good mom or dad. It's just hard. So let's try this next time. As you are driving over to Jimmy's house, do a little reset. Take even 30 seconds and reset your expectations. Slow down your world inside and imagine what is in your child's mind and heart as you drive to pick him up.

Let go of your immediate agenda, right? To get the kid moving, get home, eat, shower, bedtime. And make this your agenda instead to connect. Do that first because if you connect first, your child will move more quickly. But if you rush in leading with your anxiety, your child will resist you even more. And

And I know this is hard and it's counterintuitive at first, like just about everything we teach you. And it's going to bug you. But after a while, the more you practice, the more it becomes second nature. So you walk in and say with some enthusiasm, even if it's forced or fake, I

I don't care. Devin, did you have like the best time ever here tonight with Jimmy? And your child's going to be excited. And you can say, what was the favorite thing you did? He's like, mom, dad, we jumped off the roof onto a trampoline and did a backflip into the pool. It was awesome. And you're like, well, I hope the Johnsons have good insurance. But whatever your child did, it's okay to fake like you think it was really cool and fun.

But really enter into your child's world right now instead of trying to convince him to care about your world and your expectations and your agenda and your busyness because he's a kid. Your child's job is to have fun with friends. It's not to want to eat or shower or go to bed. Just recognize that that's reality.

And once you have connected with some intensity like that, you can begin to lead your child out. Hey, on the way home, let's talk about some ideas for what you can do when Jimmy comes over to our house. And I know this will seem like, well, that takes a long time. No, it doesn't. It's way quicker than if you just walk in and snap your fingers like your child's going to be dressed and ready for you.

It'll take much less time than trying to convince and bribe and threaten your child to get moving without all the embarrassment in front of the other parents. Now, look, you have every right to set this expectation from the beginning. Hey, I am picking you up at 7 p.m. sharp. When I come to pick up, we will thank the Johnsons and leave within five minutes, or you will be waiting for me on the front steps with Jimmy when I swing by to pick you up, or no more play dates.

This is just how I roll. These are my terms. Look, I am perfectly fine with that. If there is a reasonable chance it will work with your particular child. I'm just a realist. And I know this would have never worked with Casey, no matter how calm, authoritative leader I was with my even matter-of-fact tone.

There was a time when Casey had a best friend named Aaron. And when I picked him up at Aaron's house, I knew he had the best time ever. He didn't want to leave. And he was too wound up and excited about what he'd just done there. So I used this approach instead. And it bonded. You know what? I bonded with his friends too. It was so good. And so I want you to get your agenda completed.

But I want you to do it by entering in and leading your child out because that's how you accomplish it much more quickly. I also want you to realize, moms and dads, most of your parenting agenda isn't really that important. It seems like it right now in the moment, but it just gives you some illusion of order and control. But it's not what you will remember. And it's not why your child is going to be successful one day.

What is important is that connection, which almost always gets kids moving more quickly. So I use the same process if I'm trying to get kids out of the pool or ocean. Realize being in water is one of the most fun parts of childhood, so they're not ever going to want to get out.

So you enter in, not physically unless you're really cool and you like jumping in with your clothes on, which would occasionally do that, but you enter in and lead them out. So let me cover this one. You call to your child to get off their video games and come to dinner or go somewhere.

expect to hear silence expect them to ignore you or say wait hold on I need to save it hold on just a few more minutes and expect to be irritated by that and so

You can do a really tough approach. You've heard me say it in other podcasts of, hey, if you don't come when I call you and ask, then you lose your video games, your screens for three days. Hey, I give you X amount of time. And if you go over that time, you choose to forfeit them. That's perfectly fine to do. But I'll mix a soft and tough approach here because this is what I did with Casey. So sometimes I would walk reluctantly up to his room, irritated inside, but suppressing that so I didn't start World War III.

and I'd watch him playing a game like Call of Duty. And even though I hated video games and wanted him outside playing sports, I said, "Hey, that's actually pretty cool. I can see why you'd want to play this for hours."

Look, our strong will kids often feel so misunderstood. And it's like, all you ever want to do is this. Why do you hide behind your video games? And it's like, we don't really understand the needs that are being met there sometimes. And it's like our agenda and checklist get in the way. And I was just reminded of something. I'd encourage you to do this. So mom emailed and said, hey,

We got all the programs from the Black Friday sale. We immediately let our two strong-willed kids listen to the Strong-Willed Child program. And we asked them this, listen to this program and tell us, do you ever feel like we misunderstand your motives? We want to know specifics. And she said, we had the best discussions ever.

And think about what she said. It's like we are discovering who our kids really are now, not who we wanted them to be. Now that's gold. That will change your relationship and that will change behavior. So I encourage you to do that. Let your kids listen to our podcast. Let them listen to the programs and then ask them for their feedback. It's a discussion. So

When I went to get my son off the video games, he was expecting the lecture and the threat. He was expecting my snotty tone and the negativity. Instead, I was curious about his world.

And I remember him getting really excited, you know, not about chores or homework, but excited telling me, Dad, you should see this. They have recreated these World War II battlefields. So it feels like you're like right there in 1945 in France. And so I began asking questions and leading him while we connected over this.

And I have to say, this is what ultimately helped me get him off video games because what I realized was, man, he's playing video games because he gets to use his critical thinking skills and he gets to be sneaky and use strategy. He led other kids. He was kind of team captain. It was stimulating. There was a challenge. He felt like he had a control of something. And something we miss with video games is this.

Confidence. See, confidence is not built by just us saying like, "Hey, you're amazing. You're wonderful." It's by actually accomplishing something and being competent. Competent at something. And many of our kids are not that competent in the kid world or at school, even though they're very bright. And so they feel like they're dumb kids or bad kids.

And when they play these games and they're on screens, sometimes it's the one place where they just thrive. And so instead of just dismissing that and

And by the way, instead of just saying, look, this is where you thrive, play eight hours a day. I didn't say that. I said, it's really important to enter into their world and discover that. And so we, I began asking questions, say, Hey, that's really cool. Let's talk more at dinner. And I can add something here and just say, Hey, just know that if this isn't turned off in the next three minutes, you won't be playing again for three days. That's fair. You can do that.

But see, I would connect and I'd say, oh, now I can understand why you'd want to play because it is a challenge. You use your strategic brain.

Why are you so good at Call of Duty? See, I asked him a question about something he was interested in instead of just asking about school and his behavior. What makes you so good? We connected over that. Now, to this day, look, this stuff lasts a long time. We trade off reading books about World War I and World War II.

That bond has lasted a long time. So it's not just about getting bonding with your child. Remember that a lot of what modern day parents do really well is bond with their child, but sometimes we don't go that extra step and actually change behavior. But if you use this approach, we not only bond, but you change behavior because your kids will transition more quickly. So this week,

You are going to have opportunities to do this probably within a few hours. So practice this. Make a note. Write it on your, send it to your email of like, enter into my child's world and lead them back out. That's cool. If you want a couple hundred more ideas like that, take advantage of the Black Friday sale. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Please subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any of the podcasts. We appreciate you sharing it.

And most of all, I say this every week, I respect you so much for leaning into this, to doing the really hard work to change yourself, break those generational patterns and create a new family tree. You are heroes to me. And I just love that you guys are doing this. And if we can help in any way, let us know. Okay, love you all. We'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye.