Q&A: 5 Odd Answers To Tough Questions #481
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How do you get your kids to do their chores without having to repeat yourself and remind them 18 times? What do you do when a child flat out defies you and disregards your instructions? What should you do when your child doesn't do their homework or go to their sports practice?

Should we force a teenager to go on family vacation? How do we get a child to do uncomfortable things without arguing about it every single day? That is what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. And this is the final few days of the extended Mother's Day sale.

So I don't like to give the standard answers to questions because they tend not to work with strong-willed kids. The standard answers tend to backfire. How many of you had a more compliant child first and you were like, wow, we are such good parents. And then you had the strong-willed child. You're like, we don't know anything anymore. So I want to share a few odd answers in order to inspire you to think differently, to challenge your assumptions differently.

and experiment doing it in a different way. Now, I'm not saying that these answers are the right ones in every situation. There are always other options that are tougher or softer or just different, but I thought these might help you see things in a slightly different way. So,

So five questions, five answers. Number one, how do we stop from constantly having to remind our child to do chores and little tasks? We give our daughter a clear timeline and task like having the dishes done. Every 10 minutes, I remind her and inevitably it's not done. So she loses screen time and then she loses focus.

her mind screams and makes everybody in the house miserable. So I get your frustration. These are simple requests and it shouldn't be a big deal, but it often is with our kids. So let's try some different ideas. Let's make the chore more challenging or difficult because that may just stimulate your child's brain.

When we had all those kids at our camps back in the day, I would give them chores, but I'd have them do it blindfolded or backwards just to make it a challenge. Challenge your daughter to do her chores in a weird way. How about this one? In a way that even irritates you because it will always irritate you anyway because we have control issues.

Maybe in a way that no one has ever done it before because our kids love being independent and grown up. They make it a more adult type job because our kids often do better with adult in the kind of in the adult world. Here's another idea. Most of our kids hate being watched. They don't like being monitored because it feels like you're observing them fail routinely. So you could say, hey,

I bet you can't get your job done before I am up in the morning. Kids often like being the only one up or feel like they are making coffee like a grown-up. I bet you can't do this before I get back upstairs after doing laundry. I've had this one work before. The child gets up early or stays up late with mom or dad, just the two of them because that feels special. It's worth a shot.

I'm always trying to learn about my kids because I want to find that little insight that gives me clues. If your child prefers to do things without being watched,

or early or late, well then I can apply that to homework time as well and give the child ownership over how they get it done and where they get it done and possibly even when they get it done. If you are a stay-at-home or homeschooling parent, have the other parent handle situations like this. Why? Because you give your child 185 instructions each day.

And you get more frustrated because you're with them all day. So the other parent will often have a fresh voice. Your kids are really sensitive to your tone. So experiment with this. If you're a single parent, then fake it. Use a positive, upbeat, encouraging tone. Just watch how your kids respond to that.

Now, I know your objection to this idea, but do it anyway. What if you did dishes with your daughter while you asked about some of her favorite things that she's curious about? You take an interest in something she's into while you do the dishes with her. And yes, I know she needs to learn how to listen and follow directions and do chores and do things that you don't want to do in life because life is filled with things like that.

But then again, the instruction you're giving her of doing the dishes is arbitrary and it's not working. So I'm curious about her response if you just did it this way.

Final idea, change the timeline. Saying, hey, you need to get this done in the next hour. Well, the time isn't compressed enough. And a lot of neurotypical people, type A people maybe, or compliant people say, well, I'm just going to go ahead and get my chores done by 3.45 p.m. because then it's done and I can move on. And that's very, very smart. But there are other people like me who think,

"Huh, I've got an hour, that's a long way away. How many other things can I take care of and wait till the last minute? What else can I do in between that time?" And then some of us will procrastinate, end up frustrated because you don't get it done. So you could change the timeline to having it be done in the next seven minutes or 17 minutes. I like odd time limits.

Or you could have a new tradition in your home, which is that at 3.47 p.m., because that's very specific and odd, play three songs that your kids really like and everybody does a different chore while those songs are playing. And you're dancing or playing something intense like Metallica. I'm just kidding. Probably. But experiment with it. Okay, question number two.

Huge shocker there, mom. And this reminds me of the kids who, when you say, hey...

Do not put your feet on the sofa. They will hold their foot or their heel or toe a hundredth of a centimeter off the sofa and then tap it with their heel or toe and then argue with you that you said foot but you didn't specifically say heel or toe. I want you to try something different. The next time your son comes back into the kitchen, smile and say something like this. "Oh, I am so glad you came back in. I missed your smile."

and then turn around and begin cooking again or engage him and say, you know what? I'm glad you came back in because I could really use your help. Could you get X from the pantry and twist that jar off for me? Or ask him a question about something he's interested in.

And I want to try this for two reasons. One, see if he looks up at you, smiles, and then turns around and goes back out of the room. Because sometimes kids are looking for a connection. They need that intensity. And when we feed that, it's enough, and then they leave. Number two, it could be that you're being a little needlessly rigid with this.

And I know our kids are strong-willed, but sometimes we are as well. And sometimes we choose arbitrary rules and it feels like kind of we have to win. And it's not about winning. It's about building a relationship and teaching your kids and learning how their brains work and teaching them to be responsible. And sometimes we as parents dig in so much, we almost create that power struggle. So

So do the opposite of what you normally would do and let's see what your son's response is. Okay, question number three. We have a daughter who's 10. She's got scoliosis and will have to wear a brace 21 hours a day for the next several years. She's a really active kid, but she ends up playing the blame game. You're so mean. You're ruining my life. Everything sucks because I have to wear this brace. And we just go in circles.

So my encouragement to you is stop trying to convince her that it's not a big deal or that it's important for her health. Kids are not thinking three or five or 30 years in the future. They're only thinking, no, I'm not going to get used to it. It makes my clothes stick out and look funny and the other kids will make fun of me.

Instead, agree with her because the truth is it is unfair. It does suck. You don't have to use that word, but you could. And it's really uncomfortable and it looks stupid and it's ruining her day. Validate all those things without hesitation because they're all true. That doesn't mean she doesn't have to wear the brace, but

just that doing so is a huge pain. I wouldn't want to wear a brace for an hour a day. So you could say that. You could say, look, if I were you, I'd hate wearing that. You could say, I'd hate wearing that stupid thing all the time. In fact, I admire you when you do wear it. It

It's one of my favorite qualities about you, honey. You can push through when things are really hard and not many people can. Other people give up, but you're a fighter. See, that's a very affirming thing to say. I'd also do this because she has to wear something very uncomfortable for her health. You and your spouse.

could agree to do something that's uncomfortable for you every day that's also good for your health, like a certain number of push-ups or sit-ups or changing your diet, eating or drinking something you don't necessarily want to, because that way she's not alone in this. And you're modeling, yeah, we sacrifice in the short term for health and gains in the long term.

She'll see you doing something you don't like that ultimately helps you become more healthy.

Maybe you allow her, I really like this one, you allow your daughter to design a workout routine for you that makes you uncomfortable. And then you can say with a grimace, you're mean, you're ruining my life, this exercise is so hard. And you kind of bond over it. Now your daughter isn't alone and you're bonding and everybody in the family is doing something uncomfortable together.

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Okay, question number four. So this mom has a strong-willed teenager and they've struggled to motivate the child for years. It's one thing after another with poor grades, missing assignments, not going to sports practice, and that leads to losing screens. So one day the mom left a note on the front door and said, hey, you can't do anything with your phone, with TV, any screens. You can go outside to do a workout and go to your practice. But the mom said, hey, you can't do anything with your phone, with TV, any screens. You can go outside to do a workout and go to your practice.

But the mom then got a text from this child's sibling saying, hey, he didn't go to practice and he's really angry. So this mom asked me what I should do when I get home. And I gave an answer that I rarely give. And I said, mom,

Proceed with your evening and try to enjoy it without trying to fix this situation, without trying to improve it, without addressing it, because you've addressed some of these things literally hundreds of times. And the truth is, your child has choices to make, and they have to live with the consequences. And it's not up to you to explain over and over and over again and make your child do things.

So this night, just roll with this. Mom, what do you want to do tonight? Do you want to read a favorite book? Do you want to watch a movie? Do you want to meet a friend for an hour? Do you want to work out? What do you want to do? Do not revolve the entire night around once again trying to fix your child, fix the behavior, fix the situation, somehow motivate that child.

Go enjoy your night. He doesn't have to go to the workouts, but if he doesn't, then his activities at home are limited. It's just the way that you roll. He can be angry all night, and that's okay. That's his choice, but you're not responsible for changing your child and changing their mood when they make a choice.

Again, this is not a situation in which the child is punching holes in the wall, getting violent, and hitting siblings. That's different. So understand the context. In this case, I want you to be happy. One reason is you just have to do that because it's good for you and everything doesn't have to revolve around your child and you're not responsible for fixing everything because the truth is you haven't been able to do that in the past.

Maybe when you come home from your walk or meeting a friend, you have more clarity and you're not tense, you're not on edge, you're not feeding into the drama. And that will probably help you problem solve. Or maybe you don't do any of that.

and you just sit in the fact that you had a good night and you're worthy of experiencing that even if your child is unhappy and makes a bad choice. Your life doesn't end when you have kids. There's a balance here. And maybe the whole goal of the night...

was just that you sent the message that I do the right thing and I do some things that are important for me and it changed my mood and maybe you'll end up drawing your kids to you and maybe you'll be able to problem solve. But that doesn't even matter because the end goal of it could just be that you had a really nice night with your friend and that's enough.

Moms, you do everything for everyone else. You're constantly taking the temperature of the home and playing referee between siblings or between a spouse and your strong-willed child. You don't have to justify doing something for yourself.

You don't have to apologize for it. Just go do it. And I want to relate. Here's how another mom handled a tough situation. She said, I started listening to the podcast last summer. I bought the programs right before school started. Programs have helped my husband and me immensely. This morning, my 11-year-old daughter, who was completely out of sorts due to a school project that had been put off until the last minute.

former me, that anxiety me, would have snuggled and gone out of my way to help her out and try to do the project for her. But the current me, the reformed me, this mom said, let her go cry in the bathroom without interruption. And when she came out with her puffy eyes, I didn't jump in and fix it.

and a side note moms and dads i know this sounds cold and it wasn't cold this is a really loving mom whose habit in the past has been oh honey let me hold you let me fix this for you i'm so sorry let me jump in do it or her habit in the past would have been to lecture like you know what you wouldn't be going through this if you wouldn't have waited until the last minute and i told you i would have helped you before she didn't do any of that she didn't jump in

And the mom goes on and says, my daughter rallied. She got her project completed and she got to work on the leftover math homework. And on the way to school, we stopped at her favorite coffee shop. Notice that a lot of our kids, young kids like coffee. Part of it is the caffeine is very stimulating for them. They like the smell of it and it feels very grown up. It's very much like our kids. And so we stopped at our favorite coffee shop. And as I...

As I parked in the line, I looked at her and I said, I'm proud of you for rallying and pulling yourself together to finish all of this. And I gave her a fist bump and she said a quiet thank you. But then she gave me the best hug she could in the car. And when we arrived at school, she hopped out of the car with a smile and a wave. That's a big win for our kids.

So she said, thank you for this amazing interaction that wouldn't have happened if I had mother-henned her this morning. And when parents thanked me for it, I'm like, no, thank you. I'm just giving you information. You have the hard work. You have to do this in the moment. You've got to fight and wrestle with those thoughts inside of like, I want to lecture her. I want to fix it. So it's not so uncomfortable. And yet you step back and you allowed your daughter to step up. Well done, mom.

So question number five. So this family has a tween son who's an old soul and they have a family vacation planned this summer to Disney and he doesn't want to go. And like all good moms and dads, it just seems like a family vacation involves the family being together. And the mom said her son will likely suck the magic out of the magic kingdom. And she said it will be like taking...

quote, a 65-year-old farmer in a 12-year-old's body to Disney World. Many of you can relate to that.

But they do have the option of leaving him with her sister, his aunt on a farm, which he loves. And she asked, am I a bad mom if I leave our son behind? It hurts my heart. It's very, most of our, a lot of our parents, it's a very mom thing. It hurts my heart to not have him with us. And I get that. That's really hard. And you can probably feel that in your own heart. Although

Although as a dad, I'm kind of like, yeah, let's leave them. Saves us some money and some conflict. So here, partially kidding a little bit. So here's my answer. Trust your instincts, moms and dads. These strong willed kids are different and you're going to have to do things differently with them. And other people are just going to judge you and you'll judge yourself.

but they have never walked in your shoes. Do what works for your family. Here's what I know. Your son will be happy and content on the farm while the rest of you are happy and content enjoying a peaceful vacation. There's no need to force something just because that's what you're supposed to do. There are a lot of families who wish they could leave their child with a family member. So take advantage of this.

Now,

Now, while you're gone, let's give your son a mission he can be responsible for while you're gone. A way for him to hold down the homestead while you're gone. Almost like you need him to stay so he has a mission. I'd make him feel like he's doing you guys a favor by staying back. So say things like, hey, we appreciate you looking after the home while we're gone. Now we don't have to hire a dog sitter. Or maybe he helps your sister do something very grown up on her farm, which, by the way, is what happened.

I promise he is not going to feel left out. He's going to be happy as a clam that he's there, independent, taking care of the homestead, helping his aunt out. He will love it. Look, bring him a couple gifts as a thank you. Have his sisters make a big deal out of having such a grown-up big brother who is so independent and capable.

I want to change the narrative here from, hey, we have a child who's never happy and he makes everybody miserable, which I get it. It's true too. Our son is an independent young man who's very competent when given adult type jobs and he's comfortable in that world. And the great thing is you're raising him to be an adult. And look, he's found his path.

He's found kind of what he wants to do, but we spend all this time trying to say no No, not that that's not what you're supposed to be doing You're supposed to be doing kids stuff, but he's bored with kids stuff. I

Well, guess what ended up happening? The family had a fantastic time at Disney, and then they came home, and they heard the aunt brag about how responsible this 12-year-old boy was. The same kid who won't make his bed or do his homework took care of all the animals on the farm, helped fix the barn, and worked 10 to 12 hours a day cleaning up, repairing things, carrying heavy objects,

for his aunt. The same kid who won't get up for school got up early every morning to milk the cows and work the farm. He didn't care about the gifts that they brought home. He loved feeling helpful, important, and needed. And he learned that he is capable of fixing things and working hard from sunrise to sunset. He was proud of himself for being independent and responsible like a grown-up. See, that's a beautiful thing.

By shifting your mindset and your narrative, you just gave this kid a gift. Instead of forcing him to do something that he would hate, which would further make him feel like the black sheep in the family, you just built his confidence. And now he gets to be big man on the ranch. And you come home and you're like, wait, did you fix it? Wait, did you really do that? Man, we need to do this more often, son. That would be awesome.

Don't be afraid to do things differently with your kids. Work with their nature, not against it.

Make yourself a priority. Let your kids listen to the podcast and to our programs. They'll feel understood. And it promotes great conversations because they'll be like, Mom, could I do that? Dad, you know what? You guys lecture too much, and I really need to step up. And I've had kids all the time listening to Casey's program saying, Hey, if I want more freedom, I've got to learn how to control myself so you don't have to. It's a really cool thing. So thank you for listening to the podcast. Thanks for sharing it for us.

others and subscribing. It means a lot to us that you do that. Oh, this is last week of the Mother's Day sale. So, hey, look, we'll talk to you soon. I have so much respect for you. Thanks again. Bye-bye.