Liar Liar
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Welcome to Carefully Reckless, a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Oh shit, we back on the air. Hey y'all, what's up? Welcome back to another episode of Carefully Reckless with your girl Jess Hilarious. This is not about me today. It's about the crazy shit y'all put yourselves through. Because if anybody understands you, it's me. So real quick, grab your tea because it's time for story time.

Okay, so today's topic is about lies.

Now, there's a story in the Bible. Y'all know I'm spiritual. Let me get into this. Two women, they were pregnant at the same time. They both had their babies at the same time. They went to sleep. One of the mothers rolled over on a baby and smothered her baby. When she realized that she had smothered and killed her baby, she switched her baby out with the living baby. She put her dead baby on the chest of the other mother and took the living baby and put that baby on her chest.

The next morning when they woke up, the lady who had the dead baby on her chest was in awe. She was shocked. She was crying, frantic that her baby was dead. Now, when she further examined this baby, she realized this ain't my baby. So she went to the other woman. She said, hey.

what's going on this your baby the other lady said no no no that's your baby you rolled over on your baby you killed your baby you smothered your baby this is my baby they went back and forth with each other for a while the king came in and they told him the story now this lady was still lying this is my baby she trying to take my baby when she knows she killed her baby knowing damn well that she was lying right

The king said, OK, cool. Cut all the fuss out. Cut the living child into two pieces and give half to the one woman and give the other half to the other woman. So the mother of the living baby was deeply moved, man. She was deeply moved over her son. So she said, listen, forget it. Please don't cause no harm to the baby. Don't kill the baby. If it has to come down to you killing the baby, just give her the baby. It's fine. Although it was her baby, she was deeply moved.

By the fact that he was going to slit this baby into two and give them both a piece of it. So she said, you know what? Forget it. Just give the baby to her. Although that was her child. The other lady said he shall be neither mine nor yours. Cut him. Then the king said, give the first woman who was pleading for his life, the living child, and by no means kill him. She is the mother. Now, listen, that lady was selfish, selfish as hell.

That's one of the stories in the Bible that move me. It's one of my favorite stories because it's like you got those people that exist today that are living today who would lie so badly to get ahead or to get away with something. Now, she knows she killed that child. She couldn't even have enough remorse and enough grief in her heart to really tell the truth. And then back in those days, God.

really, really came down on you hard. If you ain't never read the Bible, you need to get into it. Y'all think y'all are gangsters today. Y'all think killing is at an all-time high today. Y'all think shit is reckless today. Man, God was getting with niggas in the Bible, man. I'm talking about like, it's shit that you couldn't come back from. You know what I mean? If you disobeyed him, if you didn't live by his commandments and his statutes, like, yo, it was a way that he would get you up out of there. This woman so selfishly took this woman's baby and

And how could you swap out your dead baby who just died for another woman's baby? Like it's nothing. Like she wasn't going to wake up and realize this ain't my baby. That brings me deeper into the topic. Lies. Now, there are all kinds of lies. White lies, reasonable lies, deceitful lies, lies that can help you get away with shit, lies that can't. Not everybody done lied in their life, but you have habitual liars, compulsive liars, all kinds of liars.

You got people that can lie and change someone else's life. Like that one lie that that woman told in the Bible ultimately could have changed both of their lives for the worse. The king couldn't.

Could have believed the woman had he not say, okay, let's slip this baby down a half. Shorty was all for it. She was all for King Solomon killing that other baby. All because she had killed hers by mistake. Didn't even kill her baby on purpose. But you have no heart. You can lie like that with no regard for the next person.

You have no heart. There are real people like that in this world today. Now, there are times that I've told lies to get ahead. I'm going to let y'all know. Carefully reckless discussion. I'm going to tell y'all. I've told a lie to get where I am today. Let me tell you. So back when I was doing videos and shit, I had a desk job.

I used to work at this place called Team. Together, everyone achieves more. I used to work with children, right? Teenagers, middle schoolers, you know, from elementary school to high schoolers. I was a receptionist at a PRP company. And this was back when Instagram videos were about 15 seconds. I was making videos. Now, a lot of y'all who are listening knew me back in this time because a lot of y'all are my day ones. Love y'all to death for it. I wasn't always doing stand up. I kind of like got into that. My older brother, Desi, who I tour with now,

kind of pushed me into that direction. Never wanted to do standup, never grew up on standup, never studied the art of it or anything until I got into it about four years ago. By then my videos were surfacing and circulating the net and going viral and shit.

Martin Lawrence's brother reached out to me and he said, hey, my name is Rob Lawrence. I wanted to let you know, Martin, my brother, has taken a liking to your videos and he loves how creative you are. And he wants to know if you would love to do a project with him. I said, what? Nigga, what?

You already know what's up with me. Didn't believe it was Martin, though. So he called me when he got around Martin and let me speak to him. Now, listen, like I said, I never grew up on stand up comedy, but I grew up, however, on Martin sitcom. Everybody and their mother grew up on Martin. I don't care what you say, even if you're never watching, you better act like you did, because that'll get your black card revoked real quick. That'll get your ass beaten up. Don't ever say I ain't watched Martin growing up.

I was so astonished. I was shocked. I'm like, yo, hold up. Martin loves my videos. I heard his voice. He said, hey, how you doing? I'm like, hey, yo, what's up? He said, yeah, you know, I'm from Maryland. I said, I know everything about you. He said, OK, do you do stand up? Now, listen, I know that I had never done it before.

I had only been on stage twice. Tried that shit twice at an open mic at a small little bar in my city. That's not even something that I was taking serious. It was just something that I did because my brother threw me up there. I had only been on stage twice for all of 30 seconds to two minutes, people. And this man asked me, did I do stand up? And I said, hell yeah.

Lied like a motherfucker. He said, how long you been doing stand up? I said, a couple years. You know, I ain't new to this. I'm true to this. Lying like a bitch. Palms sweaty and everything. He said, OK, so, you know, I'm on a tour, right? This was the What Now tour in 2016. He said, and I'll be coming to Baltimore City performing at the arena. I wanted to know if you would like to open up for me.

I said, what? I like to open up. Nigga. I said, nigga, you already know I'm gonna open up for you. How much time you need me do? He said, how much time can you do? Now, listen, y'all. I already told y'all, yo, I had only been on stage for about 30 seconds to a minute or two. You know what I'm saying? I was real new to this, nigga. I

I said, man, shit, about 30 minutes. You know, I can do whatever you need me to do. Shit, it ain't nothing. He's like, all right. The show is in three days. I'm had my brother say you all information or whatever. Get down there. I'm a set you up nice in the green room or whatever. I want you to come on. Be a guest spot. That's 10 minutes.

When I tell y'all 10 minutes felt like a fucking hour, bro. Listen, I went to my brother. I say, yo, Martin just reached out. Yo, this nigga want me open up for him. He said, all right, so what the fuck you going to do? I said, nigga, I'm gonna open up for him. But I only got 30 seconds of material. He said 30 seconds. Oh, bitch, we about to sit down and write for three days straight. My brother helped me write 10 minutes of comedy. My nigga, 10 minutes.

I felt good about it. I did because I ain't never been shy. I ain't never been stage fright, bitch. I ain't never been scared to talk to nobody. All it is is talking. You know what I'm saying? Never been scared. I was just nervous because I had never done this shit before. And I lied to a legend. I lied just to get on this man's stage. I lied just to get in the presence of Martin Lawrence. I lied just to meet this nigga. Yes, nigga, I lied about everything.

So fast forward show night, right? Showtime. I have a nice little burgundy pantsuit on, had my nice little wig done. I had on some like, you know, some little kitten heels and shit. Now, mind you, I'm a Tom girl. I ain't never did this shit. No, you know what I'm saying? I don't dress like that.

I usually rock a pair of Nike Air Forces with a sweatsuit, throw my hair up in the bun or whatever, got my braids or whatever. Tom girl at its finest. Nah, I was like, shit, this Martin went to Express, got me a nice pantsuit, put it on, went down there, walked in like I was Monique, bitch. I'm like, shit, I'm here to open up for Martin. I went out there.

I didn't see him before because, you know, when you were headlining, you arrive late. Then you don't want nobody all in your face, not even the people that open up for you. My nigga, they call my name. Just hilarious. Now, this is my city. This is Baltimore City. So they automatically standing up for me. Now, people knew me not for stand up, but they knew me for my online videos, me going viral and shit. You know what I'm saying? That's how they knew me. So I was still popular within my own city. I was locally big.

So them niggas went off on me. I'm talking about, yeah, screaming for me like that. Why the 10 minutes that my brother helped me write went out there when the shit stopped, they stopped clapping, ready for the jokes. I forgot all that shit, nigga. I know it was so many people, 13,000 people. My third time on stage, a sold out arena, Baltimore City. They stood up for me.

And didn't even know. I know half of them was confused. Like, hold up. I ain't know this bitch did no motherfucking stand up, nigga. I rock that shit. Rock that shit.

I don't even remember what the fuck I was saying. I seen my people standing up for me. I felt good to be in my city. I felt that love, man. I talked my shit for 10 minutes plus. Now, listen, like I said, I had never studied comedy. I never studied. So I didn't know the rules of comedy. And you are never supposed to go over your time, especially not on nobody else's show, my nigga, man. I did about.

13 minutes. I did 13 minutes and 30 seconds. It was a clock on the stage. Went over three minutes and 30 seconds. I killed that shit. I got off stage. Martin was right there, nigga. He said, oh, you good. You good. You good.

He gave me that stamp of approval. I've been doing that shit ever since. That shit felt good. But that's a time I've lied to get ahead. Now you got people that lie like that. That lie led me to all of my fucking success today in stand-up comedy. That shit got me on stages that I thought I would never hit. I done opened up for Mike Epps.

You know what I mean? I done opened up for Bruce Bruce. I done opened up for D-Ray. You know, some of people that I'm drawing a blank right now, but Monique, I've opened up for, you know, a lot of big comics. I love it. Felt good. I was on the Girls Night Out tour. Kim Whitley, Kim Coles, Melanie Camacho, Adele Givens.

My nigga, I done met some of the greats. Touch hands, rub elbows with some of the greatest fucking comedians that y'all used to watch on Comic View. That shit feels good. Oh, because I lied. I lied.

Now, if Martin listening to this shit, then he know now because I ain't never say, hey, yo, look, yo, I was lying. I ain't never do comedy for real. I wasn't going to do that shit. But if he listen now, he'll know. But that was a time I've lied to get ahead. Now we got a commercial. And if you click off this podcast, I swear I'm a beat your ass. Listen.

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State Farm believes that being better neighbors creates better communities and can have a long lasting impact. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Which brings me to Just Fix My Mess segment. Now I went online and I've asked y'all, a time you lied to get ahead or get away with something, but it didn't work or it did work. Y'all shared your personal experience with me and I'm going to read a couple off. Now a lot of y'all wanted to remain anonymous because y'all got some shit with y'all. Let me go ahead and read some of these off. Now,

Now, one of my ladies wrote me and said, I was fucking with this nigga and started fucking with his brother as well. I got pregnant, but didn't know which one of them I was pregnant by. So I took the high road and picked the one who had the most money because I knew he could provide for my child. I was very scared to get an abortion, so I just didn't.

By the time my daughter got here, one of the brothers were killed in a hit and run. So it really never made any sense to get a paternity test or to speak up about not knowing which one of the brothers could be the father.

So you got away with that, bitch. And listen, I'm calling you a bitch because that's some fucked up shit. You know what I'm saying? I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. That's trifling. That's fucked up. You should question yourself as a woman. You have no dignity. You should feel horrible every day you fucking wake up. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Because it's not about you. It's not about the brother. It's not about the other brother even resting in peace right now. It's about that baby. It's about your child. She gonna grow up and know she's not gonna have to wonder who the fuck our father is, but she deserves to know. She ain't gonna have to wonder because you know that this is gonna be a lifelong lie, but she deserves to know a child is innocent.

deserves to know I don't feel bad for you and you honestly probably don't feel bad because you feel like you got away with that shit because the other brother is now dead but you better believe that shit gonna come back on you baby girl because even though the brother is dead the baby still deserves to know that that could be her father not the alive one who's well off like you stated

Who you know could take care of the baby. Why you fucking brothers anyway, goofy? Makes no sense. It's trifling. Hopefully you get yourself together and you get your baby the answer she need. I'm gonna have to write Judge Lauren Lake for your ass because it's a way to still find out if the man who is dead is the father. But OK, that shit just made me mad.

Moving on to the next one. Jasmine Durham from Facebook said was about to face 15 years in jail for a crime that I actually did commit. However, my home girl was involved and hyped me up to do it. So I lied and put it on her. I don't feel bad because if she would have never gotten me high and hyped me up, we would never be in the predicament anyway. Bitch, I don't feel sorry for you either. And I'm telling you right now.

I feel sorry for your friend. Both of y'all supposed to be sitting in there doing that fucking time. You lied on your friend. That's disloyalty right there. That's disloyal as fuck. Nah, bitch, you got high. Did she have a gun to your head to get you high? Then what the fuck did y'all get high off of? And then what the fuck did y'all go do? Y'all leaving shit. That's what I'm saying. Y'all leaving shit out. How the fuck I supposed to help y'all fix y'all mess if y'all leaving parts out?

God damn, you don't do that. I want to know what the fuck y'all did. And I want to know if you are at least helping putting money on your friend's books. She's serving 15 years for a crime that y'all both fucking committed. And then I don't even know if y'all both actually did it because what you said was,

was about to face 15 years in jail for a crime. I actually did. However, my homegirl was involved. So maybe she was just with you. So you think because she gave you the cocaine, which I'm assuming it was or whatever, because on a lot of them drugs, you don't feel shit. In your mind, everything is limitless and you can do anything. That's why people got to get high to go kill other people because you have a conscience when you're sober. So I'm just going to say that y'all did some coke. What?

What the fuck did y'all do? And why would you put it all on her? That's fucked up.

Y'all different. Y'all different. See, my lie got me successful. You lied. That's that shit crazy, man. That shit should haunt you. That shit should haunt you. That was wrong, baby. That was wrong, Jasmine. And you know it. Moving on to the next one. This person wants to remain anonymous. She said, I was already pregnant when I met my boyfriend, but I was early. So I had sex with him as fast as I could and told him that I was pregnant. So he would believe the baby was his.

Recently, he requested a paternity test because my daughter looks nothing like him. She is now four months and there is no resemblance. So I know he's going to find out and is going to leave me. So what do I do, Jess? She's so in love with him as her father and that's the only man she knows. Mmm.

First of all, it's a lot of paternity shit going on in my motherfucking just fix my mess segments. Y'all got the wrong. Y'all need to go to Judge Lake with this shit. That's crazy, baby. Listen, as sorry as I am trying to feel for you, I don't. Y'all have got to stop this shit. What the fuck?

You was already pregnant when you met your boyfriend. OK, so apparently you had a one night stand with somebody or you was fucking with somebody that you you really, really didn't intend on having a baby with. But you didn't get an abortion. And I'm not going to say that you should have because I'm not an advocate for abortion either. So whatever reason that you didn't want to get one, you still shouldn't have lied.

You said you had sex with your boyfriend as fast as you could because you knew that you were pregnant. For one, that man is supposed to know the timeline. Fuck the fact that the baby don't look like him. He supposed to be on that timeline. Like, hold up. How the fuck I just had sex with you? And you like the timeline don't add up. But men don't pay attention to shit like that. Some men do. But a lot of men don't. Yeah, baby, he's going to find out that the baby is not his. What do you mean? What do you do?

You need to sit down and have a real conversation with him because you didn't tell me if you're still in denial or not. And obviously you're going to give him a test, which is the right thing to do. So you're not completely heartless. I think what you should do is sit down and talk to him. Tell him, tell him the fucking truth. Because once you tell it, you ain't really held prisoner no more. Because I know that's in the back of your mind. I

I know it is. I know when you saw the baby come out and he saw the baby come out, I know that there was some type of electrical shock going through your body like, oh shit, oh my God. And I know that you felt that shit that he was going to ask anyway, you know? And then...

It probably wasn't even him. It was probably his family. You know, it's like, hold up, this baby don't look like you, you know, and they got the right to tell him that if they did, if that's how it went down. You didn't really give me everything, but I'm giving you this. Sit down with him. Talk to him. Be honest.

Tell him, look, I got pregnant when you know he may leave you, but it'll be a burden lifted up off of your shoulders if you just get the truth out there. When you tell the truth, yo, that shit sets you free mentally, mentally. That's how people be so stressed out, hiding shit, keeping shit bottled up, lying about shit. That's a lie you shouldn't have told. But you did. It's a way to get past it.

Now, I hope you know who the other father is because that baby does deserve a father and deserves to know who the actual biological one is. And I hope he steps up because it's the reason why you ran from that shit. And the last one I'm going to read. Terica living to be lit underscore on Instagram says, I'll be lying about dumb shit. Just one time. Hold up. She said, I'll be lying about dumb shit. Just.

One time I really wanted to call out of work to spend time with my boyfriend. I told my boss my grandmother had died, so he let me off.

Two weeks later, I said my other grandmother died so I can get off of work again. Two months later, my boyfriend was about to go overseas to play ball. So I had to call out again and forgot that I had told my boss that two of my grandmothers had died already. So I said it again and he called me on my shit and said, you told me your grandmothers died already. How many grandmothers do you have? Needless to say, I got fired.

Hold up. Hold up. Bitch, first of all, I hope your grandmothers are really dead. Let's just start there. I hope that they really dead. I'm not ready coming to work like, yo, my grandmother died. I need to, you know what I'm saying? I need to get off. Then the next week, hey, yo, my other grandmother died. First of all, I will fire you because it's a problem going on with you. It's something going on. I would just fire your ass right there. Why is everybody dying around you? Then the third time you come in, yo, my grandmother died again.

She died again? Which one? Which one? She came back and died again. Bitch, get your shit together. At least she was honest and said, I be lying about dumb shit, Jess. But don't ever lie just to, oh my God, you lied to spend time with your nigga. I hope our grandmothers are really resting in peace and that that ain't no lie. I hope they are not still living. That's crazy. This Jess Fix My Mess segment had my emotions up and down. I'm not going to lie. The paternity lies were crazy.

But Terica, you brought me back to life with your dumb ass. I ain't even gonna lie, yo, you funny as shit. I be lying about dumb shit, Jess. Now let's kick it over to a brief break.

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Intelligent all-wheel drive cannot prevent collisions or provide enhanced traction in all conditions. Always monitor traffic and weather conditions. Towing capacity varies by configuration. See Nissan Towing Guide and Owner's Manual for additional information. Always secure cargo. Seeing our communities grow and thrive is something we care deeply about here at Black Tech Green Money.

State Farm Insurance also cares about the growth of black communities. They're actively investing in programs and initiatives that help provide financial literacy, give early career advice, and grow black-owned businesses, thus leading to generational wealth, which helps protect the future of our communities. We want to build a future that we all can be proud of.

State Farm understands that representation alone doesn't equate to authenticity. It also requires active sponsorship of programs like the AXO, a year-long program that recognizes and rewards high school students for their academic and cultural achievements, along with funding programs like Project Ready, a National Urban League program committed to educational achievement of black and brown youth that has awarded over $11 million in scholarship offers to date.

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Which brings me to my next segment in current news. I want to shed some light, some positive light. This is Black History Month, and we got a lot of black greatness going on. We got these young black brothers getting out of jail. Congratulations to Bobby Shmurda. That man is home.

He looking healthy. His head still big, but he looking healthy. He looking good. That nigga been wearing a mask. I ain't seen his goddamn face yet. This nigga said, I ain't get out to get no fucking COVID. He got his mask on everywhere we see this nigga. Congratulations, Bobby. Love you. Love you to death, young black brother. Keep doing what you doing. And Bobby Smyrna said he ain't going back. He ain't going back. Congratulations to Kodak Black. He's out of jail by way of Donald Trump's pardon.

I don't care why he out, he out. He another young black brother out and he is getting married, guys. He decided to settle down. He got him a nice brown skinned woman that he's marrying. She's beautiful. He still ain't cut his fucking hair, but that's Kodak. It is what it is. Now, a lot of people were shocked when they saw who he was marrying because some time ago before he got locked up, he was expressing that he didn't like dark skinned bitches or brown skinned bitches or whatever. He liked the white bitches or the light skinned bitches.

But y'all got to understand when these rappers are rapping and they hide up and they, you know what I'm saying? Most of the time they say what the fuck come to mind. They say what sells. A lot of these rappers don't rap the fucking truth. Honestly, they really don't. So y'all can't be mad at certain brothers for saying that type of shit because y'all see who he's with now. And she's a badass brown bone. Love it.

More black excellence. G Herbo. He's expecting another baby. And I think he might have slipped up and told us that he's having a little girl with Tyena. I love their relationship. I love seeing them. I love seeing how he fathers your son. He really, really is a good father. He let a little boy with his heart, just like I feel he's going to love his daughter. So congratulations to you, dad. Keep on doing what you're doing. Naomi Osaka beat Serena Williams.

It's a lot of black excellence going on in this month. I love it. And I loved seeing how Serena embraced Naomi. A lot of people wanted to see the shade so bad. Oh, the shade. Oh, the shade, the shade, the shade, man. Listen, Serena been doing this shit for years and years and years for fucking decades. Her and her sister, Venus,

Been doing this shit for decades. Trained by the best. Mentored by their own black father. Trust me. They've been taking high roles and breaking records and being legendary and two epic women for a long time, let me tell you. So I believe if Serena wanted anybody to beat her, it would be Naomi Osaka. So congratulations, Naomi. On another note.

It's a lot of challenges out this motherfucker. Congratulations to Cardi B. She got another hit. I love the song, Up. If it's up, then it's up. Then it's up, then it's stuck. That's my shit. Congratulations. And shout out to all the USPS, UPS, FedEx, Amazon drivers doing the challenge. They been killing it. However, bitch...

You ain't got no motherfucking time to be getting out the car, hopping out, dancing to no goddamn Cardi B. Because my shit still backed up. People been needing waist trainers. People been... Man, it's customers requesting...

fucking money back and shit but ain't no refund you know I have a very strict policy I don't do refunds and shit I mean it's just cause my product is so you know it's good quality but it ain't my fucking fault y'all affecting my motherfucking business y'all hopping out dancing to fucking Cardi B go deliver them people shit

Fuck wrong with y'all. That's why I'm so backed up. Shooting the bull and shit. Ain't doing nothing. But I'm going to have to learn that dance. I ain't gonna lie. I ain't gonna lie. I love that song. If it's up, then it's up. And that brings me to the end of Carefully Reckless. This episode was kind of emotional for me up and down because if you lie, trust me, you will pay for it. Like I said in the beginning, there are certain lies involved.

aren't supposed to be told. Some people lie to keep things on an even keel. Some people lie to get ahead. Some people tell little white lies and then you got deceitful lies, spiteful lies. I think you

You can lie within reason. It's acceptable to lie within reason. And people use your fucking common sense when listening to this, when you're trying to interpret what the fuck I'm saying. Like I told you all my experience about how I made it to being who I am today in the stand up comedy world off of one lie. It could have went bad, but it went good. My people who gave me their experiences, their life experiences and just fix my mess.

Get it together. I hope these mothers find it in their hearts to come clean about these babies, to come clean for these babies. I hope so. I love y'all just like I know y'all love me. And on that motherfucking note, next week, catch Carefully Reckless, another episode, and in my best pan voice. Peace.

I don't give no bluffing. Carefully Reckless is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. I'm a good lawyer and I want to win. I'm a savage. I think I killed JT.

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