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Hello, my beautiful friends, and welcome back to the Claim Your Power podcast, the ultimate show for all things spirituality, self-love, and personal development. I'm your host, Kim Perez. I'm a two-time author, content creator, yoga teacher, and entrepreneur. You are at the right place if you're ready to tap into your gifts, unleash your potential, and become your higher self. It's time to claim your power.
Hello, my beautiful friends and welcome back to the Claim Your Power podcast. If you're new here, my name is Kim and I am your host. And if you're a returning listener, I would be so, so grateful if you left a review on the podcast. It really, really helps your girl out and I really appreciate it. And
And anyways, without further ado, I am very excited to dive into today's episode. Okay, this episode has been something that has been requested for a very long time, like in my TikTok comments, in your Instagram DMs to me, you guys are always requesting me to talk about this. And I finally feel like I'm at a place where I can talk about it and give advice on it.
And so this episode is for my anxiously attached people who are ready to release that part of them. If you are somebody who is always anxiously attached in your relationships, in your friendships, but I think this is gonna be more of a focus on like romantic relationships.
If this sounds like you, this episode is for you because I'm going to teach you how to go from anxiously attached to secure. So usually if you're someone who's anxiously attached, I'm going to just list some qualities that you might have and you just like think in your head if you resonate with them. And also I want to preface this by saying that I used to be the most anxiously attached person ever.
ever ever and usually anxious attachment stems somewhere from your inner child wounds or from childhood and that is something that like you need to ask yourself and I really suggest doing some journaling and understanding those parts of yourself that feel the need that you constantly have to prove yourself or get that external validation and comfort and security from other people
And so if you're somebody, for example, who's always getting so anxious if you're not getting a text back from that guy that you like, or you find yourself getting really, really anxious over something that like one person said one sentence and suddenly you're overthinking and over analyzing your entire life. If this sounds like you, you probably have some sort of anxious attachment where you feel like other people, the way that they react to you and your last encounter with them, that is what defines the relationship.
I remember for me, the way anxious attachment played out a lot is like my last encounter with the person would define the way that I felt about the relationship. So if my last encounter was like the person, like with the guy that I like, he was being super nice to me and complimenting me and da da da, I was secure. But then if he was kind of cold and not responding to my texts, suddenly I would get all anxious and I would give him my power.
And that is the biggest thing that I want you to learn from this episode and take away if there's one thing, is that nobody in your life, nobody should have power over your emotions. When you allow another person in your life to have power over your emotions, how you feel about yourself, you are completely powerless, you are helpless, and you have given all your energy away to that person.
Do you seriously want to do that? Do you seriously want to do that? You are so much better off standing in your energy, raising your head and not letting the crown fall. Because let me give you an example of this. Let's say a person's texting you back. You have a crush and they're texting you back and they like you, da da da, and they're showing that to you. So suddenly you're so happy and ecstatic and excited.
But then they're pulling away. They're not responding to your text. They're not responding to your phone calls. They're kind of cold. They're not as consistent. Then you get all sad and insecure and you start doubting yourself and your worth.
Do you see the pattern here? You have given that person power over your feelings. The way that they are responding to you, the way that they are treating you, the circumstances that you have with something outside of you influence something inside of you. But the truth is it needs to be the other way around completely. The way that you feel about yourself manifests the outside world. Nobody in your life should have power over your thoughts and emotions. Nobody.
And I'm not saying that that is easy. It is not easy and it is not 100% possible for any human. It's part of human nature to get hurt, to experience pain, to experience love. Like that's emotions. Like I'm not telling you to numb yourself down and not experience your emotions. I'm telling you to experience your emotions from a place of high quality and high self-worth.
Because nobody should be allowed to have so much power over you that you are doubting your self-worth, that you are getting insecure, that you are doubting your value because of the way somebody is and isn't responding to you, because of the way somebody does or doesn't like you. That is low vibe behavior and you need to snap yourself out of it.
Snap, I don't know if you heard the snap, but you need to step into your power I'm trying to motivate the fuck out of you right now Okay, you need to step into your power and realize that your emotions the way that you respond to your emotions is completely up to you You cannot control the circumstances of your life You cannot control if that person that guy or that girl is gonna like you back You cannot control if that person's gonna think you're valuable if they're gonna text you back if they're gonna want to ask you out That is out of your control
completely out of your control. But what you can control is the way that you respond to it, how much energy and power you give to those people, because that is where your energy and your power is. And when you start getting in control of your emotions and your power, you become incredibly unbreakable, unstoppable, and also people get really, really curious about you. Also, people will come back. When you start to set yourself up
up in your highest energy and your higher self value and you put yourself on the pedestal and you are a little selfish, like frankly, it's sometimes good to be a little selfish, okay? If you are putting yourself first and you choose yourself
and you are, you know, in control of your emotions and you can respond to people from a higher place instead of a wounded place, people get so confused and the people that ended up hurting you are just, they get so confused because they realize that you rose up and now they can't even reach you. I can't even,
begin to tell you how many times in my life like i got ghosted or i got hurt by a guy and there were so many times in my life that i would sit and i would cry and i would soak and i would let those men have so much power over me and by the way this isn't just a plot of men this can apply to women too but i would let those people have power over me
Until I woke up one day and I was like, no. You cannot allow people in your life to make you powerless. That is the lowest place that you can be and you need to be powerful. You need to raise your head. You need to walk in with confidence and lead with your heart forward and you need to know your worth. And your worth is something that stems from within.
You need to know that even if you were the ugliest person alive according to societal standards, you were the dumbest person alive according to societal standards, you had nothing, not one penny to your name, you need to walk around in this energy of like, I am fucking worthy because I am inherently worthy because I...
I woke up today, I breathe this air, I'm on this earth, I have a chance at life and that makes me worthy. And nothing outside of you, if you have this mentality that like nothing outside of me makes me worthy, I'm worthy because I choose to be worthy every single day.
Nobody can take your worth away because when you put your worth on the way you look, the way others perceive you, how many people like you, how many followers you have, how many likes you got on Instagram, you're putting yourself down a rabbit hole that you will never get out of because you are using that as temporary gratification to fulfill your ego instead of actually doing the inner work.
and doing the hard stuff and facing your wounds and your traumas and your shadows and understanding where is this stemming from? Where is this insecurity coming from? Where is this lack of worth coming from? And how can I move past it? How can I move forward? How can I break the pattern and choose a new path for myself? I can't even begin to tell you the amount of men that have ghosted me in my life and have come back around.
And you know why? It is because I gave them no power. Like every man in my life that I used to cry over and now I don't even have one ounce and one moment of energy to think about them because frankly, now I'm in this energy where I'm so in my power and I value myself and my life so much.
and I value my inner peace, that it's like if a man comes into my life and disrespects me and doesn't value me or doesn't treat me the way that I deserve to be treated and pursued, they are just not going to get any of my energy anymore. Like,
I'm cutting the energy cord loose. I will not think about them one more second because when I think about something, I give it energy and I give it power. And so instead of thinking about them, I will just constantly think about myself. Like I will become delusionally obsessed with myself. And that is honestly my key and like my little tip for if you're ever getting ghosted by someone.
Because it usually something that hits your ego when you get ghosted, you start to really doubt yourself and you start to really doubt your worth and you start to get really insecure and your value decreases and you start to really like overthink and ask yourself all these things. You need to really scream in your head and say, no, I am beautiful. I'm a baddie. I'm hot. I'm worthy. I
I'm amazing and thank God that this person walked out of my life now and showed me who they are. Thank the universe that they showed me that this person isn't for me. Because imagine if that person was your husband and then they started acting like this, started acting emotionally immature and miscommunicating with you and disrespecting you. That would be bad. Thank God that the universe is removing that person from your life two months in.
and showing you that this is in your person. They're not at your frequency. And frankly, the more that you do inner work and the more that you connect with yourself and the more that you raise your energy and your connection to yourself and your self-love, the more people you will start to see fall out of your life.
But that doesn't mean that it's getting bad. It actually means that your life is getting better because when the universe is clearing out the old, it is also welcoming in the new. So the people that are leaving your life that are no longer serving you are making space and room for the true people that are now matching your energy and your vibe to come in. And I'm telling you that the more that you rise up and commit your energy to yourself and become delusionally self-obsessed with yourself, not in a toxic way where you think you're like,
above everyone and you think you're better than everyone in a way that you love yourself and you realize that if you choose yourself first, you'll be able to also choose and help others. But if you're at a place in your life where you are giving everything to everyone but leaving nothing with yourself, this is your wake-up call that you need to become a little bit selfish.
Just a little bit. You need to start taking back your energy and your time and your power back into you. Because what is it worth to give everyone everything and be a people pleaser and constantly try to make everyone around you happy, but then you being depressed and depleted and drained? What is that worth? That is not what life is about. The more that you can fill your cup is the more that you will start being able to fill other people's cup.
So you start tending to you, tending to your goals, to your dreams, to your vibration, and you start putting the focus on you and you watch how your life changes. And this is how you get yourself out of the loop of anxious attachment. Do they like me? Do they like me? Do they approve of me? Do they approve of me? Do they think I'm cute? Are they into me? No. You are changing the loop around. I love me. I think I'm wonderful. I think I'm worthy of love.
I think I'm worthy of amazing good things that the universe has to offer me. And that is what you tell yourself. That is the new story that you tell yourself. Every time that you find yourself flipping the energy onto somebody else, putting the person on a pedestal, because at the end of the day, anxious attachment style stems from you putting yourself last and putting everybody else in your life, especially romantic people in your life, on a pedestal.
But then have you ever like really liked someone for a very long time and then suddenly something shifted in you? Maybe your energy shifted, you realized you're worth a little more and then you saw that person and they just like fell the fuck off the pedestal that you had them on and you look at them and you're like, why did I like you again? Why was I into you again?
This is what you need to do now. And I'm not saying that because you're like disvaluing the other person. It's so great to like somebody and see the amazing value and amazing qualities that another person has. But at the end of the day, what a lot of us tend to do if you have anxious attachment style is you will idolize and glorify the person that you like and you will start dimming yourself down and making yourself smaller. You will start telling yourself, oh,
I'm not good enough for them to like me. Maybe I'm not their type. What if they like somebody else? And your mind will go into this loop of self-sabotage and self-destruction. And that, my friends, is how you shift from anxious attachment style to secure attachment. As you stop that loop, as you find yourself going through that thought and you snap yourself out of it, you literally snap yourself out of it. I don't care what you need to do. Yell no in your head, snap, clap.
Throw some cold water, plunge some cold water at your face. Snap yourself out of it because those thoughts aren't true. Not every single thing that you think is reality. Your thoughts aren't always true and you need to start proving your thoughts wrong because what your ego does and what your monkey mind does is it tries to push you down because at the end of
the day your ego isn't bad your ego is just your protective system it is trying to protect you from getting hurt from feeling lonely from feeling vulnerable and you need to prove your mind wrong and remember that not every single thing that you think is true and you can take a moment and let that thought pass so let's say you see a car passing by the street i read this in the untethered sold it's a really great example for this let's say you're walking on the street and you see a car that you really like
So the car passes by and you start to think, wow, I really like this car. But then you start going down this loop of, I really like this car and I wish I had enough money to pay for it, but I don't have enough money to pay for it because I work in the worst job ever and I hate my job and I really want a promotion, but I'm never going to get a promotion because I'm not good enough and I don't believe in myself enough. And you just go down this whole loop when instead you could have just looked at that car and said, wow, I really like that car.
Taken a deep breath in, take a deep exhale out, and kept walking and kept being present in the moment. Do you see what I'm saying? It's like not every single thought that crosses your mind needs you to give it power. If you gave power to every single thought in your head, like think about all the times in my life that I had all these negative self-limiting beliefs and I still do. It is not possible for us to never get these negative self-limiting thoughts, right?
It's not possible. It's part of life. Our ego is always going to be coming up subconsciously with these thoughts to come up to surface. But it's the way that you respond to those thoughts that makes you stronger because that is how you move from anxious attachment style to secure attachment is you realize that your thoughts aren't true and you start proving your thoughts wrong. It's a self-soothing process. You need to be able to self-soothe yourself. If you want to be powerful
and you want to attract the good people into your life and even about relationships if you want to finally be in a good relationship that is not codependent that is communicative that you feel good in that the partner is loyal and kind and generous and you want to be your higher self in that relationship you have to be completely emotionally independent from that person
It is not your partner's job to make you feel happy. It is not your partner's job to make you feel sad or to make you feel less lonely or to make you feel more confident. It is not your partner's job. And also...
PSA, like your partner should be naturally making you feel those emotions on the side. Like your partner should be making you say nice things to you and empowering you naturally because that is love. That is true love is showing up for each other and choosing each other.
But if you are putting your power on another person, how you feel, whether or not another person responds to you, dictates how you feel, if you feel happy, if you feel sad, if you feel lonely, if you feel strong, if you give that power to another person, you are powerless and you are in a codependent cycle that you will never be independent in.
And if you go into a relationship from the secure place of like, I know who I am. I know who my life is. I know that I feel good in my own skin. I know how to self-soothe myself. I know how to tend to my emotions. And you just show up to this partner and you're like, hey,
I like you. I like spending time with you. I enjoy your company and that is why I'm around you. Not because I'm lonely. Not because I need you to constantly stroke my ego. Not because I need you to make me happy. Then all the things that you, your old self, your anxious attached self wanted your partner to be able to do, you will naturally have this exchange with your partner. Your partner will naturally start making you happy. You will naturally start feeling confident into your relationship because you were independent.
And I'm not saying independent and like money, like men suck. Like I need to like be a feminist, da da da. Like this is not what this podcast episode is about at all. It's about you being independent in the sense that you are emotionally mature. Nobody likes little emotional mops. Like I'm just going to be real out there. Nobody likes people who are constantly complaining, who are constantly, you know, being in this negative energy state, who constantly need attention, who constantly need to be soothed by other people. It gets draining.
And you're going to attract people who like bumps. If you become a bum in the way that you tend to your emotions and you are just constantly complaining and you sink in sorrow all the time and you constantly depend on other people to pick you up when you're down, you're only going to attract people who like bumps. People who either want to feel like they're the best person in the relationship, like people who want to feel like they're better than you in the relationship, or you're going to attract somebody who's a bum like that
and you're gonna have this little bum circle. You don't want that. You wanna attract the person that will make you stronger, that will inspire you, that will make you more creative, that will push you, that will allow you to get out of your comfort zone, that will make you feel amazing and loved and beautiful. That is the type of partner that you want. And in order to attract that partner, you need to be in a secure place of self-love and self-appreciation. And also another really important thing that I wanna say is you have to stop abandoning yourself
other people like if you have this is the best tip that I have for anxious attachment because something that I used to do a lot is let's say I really liked a guy and
I had plans to go to the gym one day, but then randomly he'll text me and he's like, hey, do you want to like come over to my house? Like no, I'm not gonna go because I had plans to go to the gym today And that's just like a really good example of how you need to stop abandoning yourself for other people You have to have a life that you love and that you're secure in and so nobody can take that away from you because that's
If you're in this anxious attachment place, you're just like having no habits, no goals for yourself. You're constantly seeking the validation from other people. You're going to attract those people who want to feed off of that. And that is what ends up causing people to be in relationships with narcissists, with gaslighting, with emotionally immature people. At the end of the day, if you are able to stick by your side and constantly secure yourself and keep, you know,
Tending to you, like if you're feeling sad or emotional or vulnerable, you tell yourself, I love you. Like you pat yourself on the back, you say, I love you, Kim. It is okay. I'm here for you. I care about you. I honor you. And you remind yourself those things, you become very, very powerful. And also somebody, like I want to say that most of the world is either in avoidant attachment style or anxious attachment style.
but somebody who has a secure attachment style is not going to be attracted to somebody who's constantly needing to be validated for their feelings, for their emotions because in order to attract people that you really want to bring your higher self
out in, you need to become that version of you. You need to become that secure person that loves themselves, that honors themselves, that knows how to self-soothe. And if you can become that person, you will naturally attract and gravitate the right people into your life.
And so being able to reassure yourself all the time, like when you have those little thoughts that go through your head, like when you find yourself, you know, I think for anxious attachment style, what a lot of people do is like they'll look at one little piece of evidence on one sentence that one person says, we'll overthink it, we'll overanalyze it. And we'll try to see that as evidence for the worst case scenario. That is really what anxious attachment is about is you are trying to constantly find the worst case scenario in every little moment with your partner or with your friend.
And I invite you to do the exact opposite. I invite you to prove your little mind wrong and to believe in the best case scenario, believe that things are always happening for you, not to you. And so if your partner is getting cold or pulling away for a little bit, that doesn't mean that they're cheating on you necessarily. It doesn't mean that they're suddenly not in love with you anymore. It doesn't mean that your friend suddenly doesn't like you or, you know, is gossiping about you behind your back.
And I'm not saying also there hasn't been experiences in life where, you know, your intuition caught up on something that wasn't right. But for the most part, if you find yourself always in those patterns and thought patterns and situations, this is a reminder to you is that your thoughts aren't always true.
And that anxious attached part of you, that inner child, that wounded part of you is just trying to protect you. And so when you feel those thoughts come up and when you start looking for the worst case scenario, this is your time to remind yourself to make yourself feel safe because nobody's gonna do it for you to genuinely make yourself feel safe and say, it is okay.
I love you. You are safe. Not everything is the worst case scenario. Maybe things are happening for my highest good. I trust I can release this. I can let this go so I can feel lighter. Most of the time, people's behavior isn't personal. And so if you can remind yourself that and remind yourself that you are genuinely loved and cared for by you, and that is truly what matters, you'll start to stop
you know, putting their behavior and their thoughts and the way that they feel about you on a pedestal and you'll start putting yourself back on the pedestal, which is so important. And also just one more thing that I wanted to say is if you know that you are somebody who gets anxiously attached to people and, you know, you're constantly needing to be validated and you just get attached really easily to people, ask yourself what type of partners you want to date or what type of friends you want to surround yourself with.
Because if you know that there's a part of you that loves very deeply that gets attached, then also know how to choose your partners.
My mom told me this really great sentence a couple weeks ago that I want to share with you guys. And it's, if there's an attraction to someone, you're going to feel that chemistry with them, right? And so if you start seeing them and spending time with them and going on dates with them, if you're attracted to them, eventually you're going to fall in love with them. Eventually you're going to develop love and feelings for them. But not every single person that you're attracted to, you necessarily need to be in love with.
And so you have to ask yourself, what type of people do you want to fall in love with? And know that if you spend time with them, that if you, you know, tend to them, that if you are going on dates with them, they need to be the right people. They need to be the emotionally available partners that you want for yourself. The people that are secure, the people that are honest, that are generous, right?
Those are the types of people that you need to be with. And so you don't find yourself at the end of the day in this loophole of like, shit, I fell in love with somebody who's not right for me at all, who's avoidant, who's inconsistent, who doesn't care about me, all because I thought they were attractive. Attraction is one thing. Don't confuse the push-pull of love with love. Wait, that came out weird. Don't confuse the push-pull with love.
because that do they like me do they not like me the inconsistency the hot and cold isn't love love is consistent love is safe love is calm you are feeling peace that is what true love is and so choose people in your life friends and partners that make you feel like that that
that allow you to feel safe and calm and loved because when you feel that way around those people, that means that your authentic self would come out. If you feel anxious and drained all the time, you're gonna show up to those relationships inauthentically. You're not gonna be real. You're gonna walk around eggshells. You're gonna hide parts of yourself and then you'll end up resenting those people at the end of the day.
And so be honest with yourself about your feelings, about your needs from the start. What type of person who you want to be and what type of person do you want to be with? And so become that person, become that version of yourself that is secure, that is loved, and you will attract those people into your life.
I guarantee you that most people that are anxiously attached are big people pleasers. And so the best way to get over your anxious attachment, this is like my biggest tip for you, is to work through your people pleasing and start being able to say no. And also start being able to respect other people saying no to you. But I think being able to honor what you want and ask for what you want and need and being able to say it upfront,
off the bat in your relationships will make you so much stronger and will make also the other person just, it's out of respect for the other person. It's like being able to sit down and say what you want and say how it makes you feel instead of being non-existent and just people pleasing other people.
being able to know what you want off the get-go will serve you so well. And so it will allow you to love yourself enough to prioritize your own needs first and learn how to deal with rejection. Because at the end of the day, when I was very anxiously attached, I just didn't know how to deal with rejection.
I had a very deep fear of rejection, of rejection from partners, of rejection from friends. I just felt like every rejection defined me. And so I was so anxiously attached and I was trying to avoid rejection at all costs when at the end of the day, the best way that we can get over that anxious attachment and step into secure attachment is being able to learn how to deal with rejection in a healthy way that will not take away from our self-esteem.
Being able to not close our hearts every time we get rejection. In fact, when we get rejected, when we feel pain, when we feel broken, that allows our heart to even open because your heart has to break in order for it to open.
And so being able to deal with those feelings of rejections and vulnerability from a high place and tending to you at the end of the day, this is a journey for you against you. That is my number one thing I want to tell you is this is a path that you need to do with yourself. Your anxious attachment isn't going to go away when you're in a relationship with someone that's secure. Your
Your anxious attachment is going to go away and turn into secure attachment when you start being secure with yourself, when you start honoring yourself. That is when your life is going to change. Beautiful souls, thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. Feel free to leave a review or DM me any topic suggestions. I hope you feel inspired to claim your power today.
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