10th Anniversary Part 1
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Sprinkled me with jimmies while I tinkle and I shimmy. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Hey, wait a minute.

I think that's the one. I think that's it. I think we found our permanent catchphrase. Bingo Boy sent us that, and that...

I really liked how that sounded coming out of my mouth. That is very akin to the old catchphrase, what's up hot dog, that took us through the first couple of years. Ever since then, I've been on a continuous quest to find the permanent catchphrase. And let me just say it again. Sprinkle me with jimmies while I tinkle and I shimmy. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. That's it. I found it.

Oh my God, it just took 10 years and I found the permanent catchphrase. Wow, what a day. Congratulations, Bingo Boy. Something special coming out to you. I have no idea what that would be. I wish I hadn't have said that as a matter of fact, but Bingo Boy, thank you so much. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. And this is a very, very special week. My name is Scott Aukerman, the host. I've been the host of Comedy Bang Bang Lo these 10 years. And if you've noticed something

The runtime on whatever podcast app you happen to be listening to for this very special 10th anniversary episode. No, it's not a dream. It's not a hoax. It's not an imaginary tale. The episode is 10 hours long for 10 years. That's right. I decided to...

Do a 10-hour episode today, the longest podcast episode ever, I believe. Call Mr. Guinness or Mrs. Guinness. The doctor's a woman. It could be Mrs. Guinness. I don't know. I don't know who this Guinness fellow or woman is. But call them, whoever they may be, and let them know that the world's longest podcast episode is over.

has finally been dropped here on April 29th, 2019, 10 years after the very first Comedy Bang Bang podcast episode. We have a very special show today. Basically what happened was I started this show 10 years ago. It started out as a little tiny radio show on a local radio station and we would tape record it and then we would put it up as a podcast and

and it started out with very humble roots and humble beginnings and grew into a show that quite a few people seem to like. If you've never heard the show and are taking it upon yourself to listen to it for the first time, enjoy these 10 hours. I don't know why this would be your first episode to ever listen to, but welcome to you. Basically, what the show is, is it's the show...

where, gosh darn it, I talk to interesting people. And that is the only connective thread between all of the people I'll talk to is hopefully by gum, they are interesting. And as far as today's episode is concerned, I do believe some interesting people will show up. Here's what I did. When the show started 10 years ago, it started out as a

A very straightforward comedy show where I was talking to comedians and then a few episodes in, suddenly people started barging into the studio and just coming on the show and I

I'll be honest, a lot of these people who did that were eccentric weirdos, as I'm sure you can understand would be the case. They have no sense of politeness, no sense of decorum. They're just barging into a room and started talking on mic. But that started something that we called our open door policy.

Really, that's what the show is. Anyone who comes into the studio, who wanders into the studio and happens to open up this door into this tiny podcast studio, they can get on mic and they can talk to me. And that's what the show is all about. Sometimes I have guests that I've booked and sometimes I have guests who just wander in. So today, what I thought would be really special is if I put out the call to...

All Comedy Bang Bang guests, every single person who has ever appeared on Comedy Bang Bang got the call and said, for these 10 hours, I am recording the very special 10th anniversary show. Feel free to drop by at any time. And so today's show is a true open door policy where I don't know who the guests are going to be.

I don't know what they're going to say, but they're going to just open up that door and they're going to wander in and we're going to talk to them. And hopefully that'll be very interesting for you people for 10 hours. And I know that some of our old favorites are going to drop by. I don't know who they are, but people hopefully who have been on the show ever since the beginning, recent favorites. If you've only been listening to the show for the past, I'm going to say three and a half weeks, let's just say, well,

Don't worry. I think maybe someone from those three and a half weeks will drop by. Probably. I don't even know. But and if you're one of our old, old listeners who have been listening since episode, a lot of people come up to me and they say, I've been listening since episode five or I've been listening since episode three. Even people who have been listening since episode one. And, you know, if you're a person who listened for a couple of years, then dropped off and want to check back in. And with this 10th anniversary episode, welcome back.

You're going to hear some of those old favorites and you're going to see you're not going to see anything unless you're looking at something very, very interesting. And I pray that you are. But you're going to hear some of your recent favorites. You're going to hear some of your old favorites and you're going to hear some of those favorites from right in the middle, I believe. So that's what we're going to do on this show today. We're going to have a lot of fun and 10 hours. Put on a pot of coffee.

uh, talk to your, your family and your wives and children and let them know you'll be gone for a little while. 10 hours is longer than a lot of people's work days. So, uh, I know a lot of people listen to this at work. You will not even be able to listen to this episode at work in its entirety all the way through. Uh, hopefully you can, you can, uh, you know, listen to part of it, dip out for a while, you know, save it over the next 10 days, listen to an hour for 10 days or, uh,

You know, if you want to listen to it all in one sitting, if there are people out there who listen to it continuously, all in one sitting, let me know. And a special salute coming out to you and to people of our all stars and stripes across this wonderful country in which we're recording and the countries that are wonderful outside of this country where podcasts are received. So let us, Terry, know further.

I am Scott Aukerman again, and this is the podcast that started as a radio show and now has become a podcast for 10 years. Was a TV show for a little bit for about five years in the middle. Those were fun years and now has returned to being solely a podcast. Let us...

no longer and let us get to, uh, whoever our first guest is. So if there's someone out there, uh, feel free to, uh, come on in here and, uh, Hey, what? Oh my heavens. What's going on here? Oh,

It's the Hainong Manzoukas himself, Jason Manzoukas is here! Lookie, lookie here! Lookie, lookie, who's got a cookie? Uh-oh, ookie cookie! Yeah, I brought a bunch of egg-free ookie cookies. Jason the ookie monster. Oh, come on now. Egg-free. Egg-free ookie cookie. Because you're sterile? Yep. Yes, because when I produce sperm, it's full of eggs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Welcome to the show, one of our oldest guests in age. What a thrill. What a thrill to be here. How dare you? As you are older than me by barely months, I believe. Yeah, I think, yeah, we, I mean, we could be related. We are. As far as you know. How so? Well, you know, I was born in 70, but I believe I was conceived into 69, so...

Hello? What do you mean? Hello? How could you be conceived in a 69? I don't know. You know, stuff gets squirted out. It gets all spread around. But it doesn't get spread in the right place. Maybe it does. If your father and mother were 69ing, picture it. Oh, shit.

Picture your father and your mother just going to town 69 style. I'm going to picture my father and your mother. Is that okay? Okay. And this is what I'm talking about. We could be related. And she, and it just wouldn't work because the sperm would not fertilize the egg in your mother's mouth. Well, maybe if the dad was, look, I don't want to get into it. You don't? You don't want to go down the rabbit hole of how this works? It's not that kind of a show. It is very early to be saying that it's not that kind of a show. I am not that kind of performer. Friend.

And happy anniversary. Thank you so much. Happy 10-year anniversary. 10-year anniversary. Look at what you've done. Not much. I know. I've sat here in a chair for a long time. You were on the first year, I know, because you were at the radio station, I'm sure. Yes, I was. Yeah, so you've been around since the very beginning. My first appearance was myself, Natasha Leggero, and Bob Duca doing A Ship of Hope.

A ship called Hope. A ship called Hope, of course. A ship called Hope. Bob Duke is doing a ship called Hope at the radio station. That was my only radio station. I wonder where Bob is these days. BD? Yes. Big Dog? Oh, woof, woof. T-shirts available now in the gift shop. Guys, stop.

Snag that swag because it's fucking good. I'm getting one of those shirts. My only criticism that I told Scott before we started talking into these mics, I want a long sleeve option. Long sleeve.

Long sleeve option. We'll see what we can do for you. I may be able to sew some long sleeves on. All right. From another shirt? Yeah, exactly. Do you have any... By the way, are you ever going to wear it? You primarily wear white button-downs. Yeah, I'll wear it. I'll wear it on a hike or something. Oh, okay. That'll be great. I'll wear it when I'm working out. Let's go hiking together. Absolutely. You know what I mean? We don't live far from each other. We should be hiking together. We should be hiking every day together. Shame on us and shame on you. Shame on you.

And we've reset. Oh, man. Looking back on these 10 years, so many catchphrases. You've been such a wonderful guest and so many T-shirts have sprung out of our conversations. By the way, is Hang Nong Man still the greatest selling T-shirt you've made? I would say so, other than the base, which is, of course, the logo. Sure.

But Hainong Man, very, very popular. Probably more popular than All Joking Salad. I would assume so. No, I don't know. It's a good one. It's a good one. But Hainong Man is like, I still am getting Hainong Man constantly in the world. Of course. It makes me very happy that now an episode that is many years old is still referenced, is still valid in fans, is still at the forefront of fans' minds when they see us. I think it's got about maybe two or three more years left.

before everyone forgets it. I mean, our careers. Oh, Jason. I mean, so many episodes you've done with so many wonderful people on them joining us. Oh, yeah. You mentioned Bob Duca, of course. And we... I remember we did some episodes where we were talking about how we were...

We were both, I mean, I'm not telling you anything that you don't know, but we were both childhood actors. Oh, yeah. On the same show. On the same show. And that's how we... Yeah, here's what's true about us. We are lifelong friends. Right. We've spent so much time together. From childhood to adulthood. Talking...

To each other and to interesting people. We've met people. That's what we like to do. This was the show and probably still is. Just recently we met Caitlin So Fresh. Oh, Caitlin So Fresh. Such an interesting character. So incredibly fresh. We met, as you were referencing now, Chip Gardner, the mayor of New York, the wannabe mayor of Hollywood. Yes, so many great people. And, of course, was who?

was the who was on that show that we did that we when we were kids i don't really recall that was chip yeah it was chip i have some weird mental block when i try to think yeah no it's very foggy it's very foggy for me like the specifics of it but i remember chip gardener i do remember chip gardener a real character we met uh dalton wilcox oh dalton wilcox amazing guy the cowboy poet the cowboy poet

Or Poet Laureate of the Cowboy West? I feel like it's the Poet Laureate of the West. The Poet of the West. The Western Poet? Is that what it is? It doesn't matter. I don't know. Yeah, who cares? We met the Mailer Damon. The Mailer Demon? The Mailer Damon, yes. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah. We met some real kooky nutjobs. Some real kooky people, but right now it's just you and I, and that's the way I like it. And this is what I wanted. This is what I said to you. I want...

30 alone time uninterrupted minutes that's right and you said Jason you got it of course I did and there will be no hang on a second hot dog what what I would know that do do do do wah anywhere well yeah the world famous water skier hot dog that's right thank you very much

I'm here now.

It's been a long time. It's been a while. We're getting them all in, guys. We're getting them all in for the 10th anniversary. Is it what? Is it the 10th anniversary or what? Oh, this is a podcast. Do you know we've been recording your voice? No.

You know you sign a release at the end of each of your appearances, allowing us to put your voice on the air. I figured that was just a water skiing fan looking for my own. Do people ever approach you in the wild, like out in the world? Do people ever approach you in reference, having heard you on a podcast? I don't know if people know what Hot Dog even looks like. How would they recognize him? Oh, that's interesting. Have you ever described yourself? No.

I have described myself. I have incredibly powerful legs. Which is okay when people do what they do in 80s movies where they start down at the feet and look up real slow all the way up. That's right. You've got that opposite bodybuilder's body of really big legs, really small torso. Yeah, the opposite of those, what do they call the... Murder ball? Murder ball bodies.

All I did was mind one thing and hot dog knew. Hot dog is a reverse murder ball. I'm a reverse murder ball, yeah. I'm going to bring them back to life ball. But yeah, sometimes people do recognize me. They'll recognize my voice. Now that you mention it because that's funny and they'll say, wait, what's up, hot dog? Oh,

What's up, hot dog? Yeah, my old catchphrase, of course. Speaking of catchphrases. Which now Weird Al has, which, oh, man, if I ever see that guy, I got to talk to him about that. You should. But, yeah, so they'll recognize. Are you out there saying do-do-do-do-wah? Is that why they recognize your voice? Yes. I walk around saying I practice, you know. Practice? Oh, yeah, I'm always practicing. I'm always practicing singing because, you know, as you know, as you guys know, as you know.

I am still, my lifelong dream is to become a member of Sha Na Na, the number one interpreters of old-time American rock and roll. Which has a rotating membership. Well, it has in some sense. I mean, they've been around for over 50 years, and some people have come and gone, and so it is not inconceivable. The very definition of a rotating membership. I'm not sure why you're... Are there any original members left in Sha Na Na at this point? Are you kidding me? Of course there are. John Bowser Bauman. What are

One of the original members is no longer part of Shawna. He hasn't been a part of Shawna for a long time. For me, he was the glue. Has he passed? No, he's still out there. He tours with another group. What group is he? Not Shaw Shaw. No, Not Shaw Shaw was my group. Man, since I've talked to you guys, I've been on the receiving end of a very, very nasty lawsuit from Shawna. Really? Yeah, they sued me right into the ground and back. In fact, I lost my water skis.

What? No. No. They specifically sued me for my water skis. That's all they asked for? They know they would incapacitate you. Yeah. Did you represent yourself? Oh, yeah. I'm not going to pay a lawyer. You had a fool as a client. No, my client was me. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Are you allowed to buy new water skis?

I suppose I can if I could ever get the scratch together. That's part of why I'm here. You could just go back to being on sausages or whatever it was. Yeah. Big lung sausages, I think. Yeah, I was the first guy to ever water ski on meat. A lot of people know that, but...

And I could do that again. I could probably do that again. But there's a very specific reason that I'm looking. I need water skis right now. So you're here to... You need water skis right now. I'm here to talk about a couple of different things. And one of them has to do with... But let me answer your question because... Shoot. Yeah, we're open. Screamin' Scott, Jocko, and Donnie are still in the group. Okay. And they were originally...

there from the 60s they played at Woodstock and everything well yes they played at Woodstock now you're speaking of yes yes this is the other thing I'm here to talk about speaking of I just thought I got two big things to talk about I don't care what order I bring them out I just thought reported that there's going to be a Woodstock 2019 yes 2019 which would be the

Is it the 60th anniversary? It's the 50th anniversary of the original Woodstock concert. That's incredible. They must be getting all the old acts back. Well, Jimi Hendrix is no longer with us. Sure. Who else was there? Oh, yeah.

Crosby, Stills, and Nash were there. They didn't make it, right? They sang the song about it because they couldn't make it. Oh, is that what happened? Crosby, Stills, and Nash, they were there. They were there, yeah. Oh, but Joni Mitchell wrote the song. Joni Mitchell wrote the song, and she was not there. She was not there. Maybe Neil Young didn't go. Yeah, but they must be getting everybody back. That's exciting. Almost everybody from the original lineup of Woodstock. The Killers? They're coming back, right? They're coming back. Green Day? Green Day?

Almost everybody from the original. Well, Green Day was at Woodstock 94 or whatever. Oh, 99. 99? They were like the mud, throwing of the mud, I remember. Is Puddles of Mud going to be the guy speaking of? Puddles of Mud? I don't see them here. Okay. I have in front of me the list of absolutely everybody that's going to be there. Well, let me say first of all, almost everybody that performed at the 1969 Woodstock is dead.

Almost all of them. Rightfully so. I think finally time caught up to them and justice is served. Have they released the schedule for the new one? And does Sha Na Na have a prominent placement? Are they headlining Saturday night? Being that they were at the original and are one of the only bands that still is alive and touring. Very, very active. You are asking all the right

questions and I'm afraid I have to tell you the answer is not only do they not have a prime slot like a Saturday night prime slot. They are not on the bill at all man. They are not on the bill at all man. What an injustice. That can't be possible. It can't be possible. That's ludicrous. It is 100%. Ludicrous is on there. Yeah ludicrous is on there. Chris Bridges? From the Fast and the Furious franchise? The FFF? If you say so.

Look at this. Not a movie fan? Not at all. I haven't seen a movie. Do yourself a favor, Hot Boy. You haven't seen five years. Watch every one of the Fast and Furious movies in order. You will not be disappointed. Have you seen Blue Jasmine? No. What's Blue Jasmine? Oh, okay. That's a friend of mine who has only seen one movie. He's seen that one. Well, maybe I'll check it out. Santana.

Santana was there. The original Woodstock, and he's coming back for this one. Okay. Is he bringing Rob Thomas? Well, I hope so. We all do. That song is really... Wouldn't that be great if, like, how Ariana Grande brought out NSYNC and Justin Bieber...

Santana brings out Sean Anah and they just do a mini set in the middle. Any one of these guys could bring out Sean Anah. John Sebastian. Where the fuck has John Sebastian been since 1969? Who the fuck is John Sebastian? He was the lead singer of the Levin Spoonful, right? Is that right? I think he sang Welcome Back, Cotter. Who gives a shit? He's going to be there with Gabe Kaplan. With Gabe Kaplan. And John Travolta. The newly bald

John Travolta. Yeah, Vinnie Barbarino. Dead and Company. This is the surviving members of the Grateful Dead, which didn't make it to the original Woodstock because they couldn't be bothered. They were too high. By the way, they loved that acid, man. They did. They loved that acid. Who's the company, by the way? Is it John Mayer? It is. It just says Dead and Company. I assume it's the people in the office who are sort of running their merch and whatnot. The company. Yes, yes. It's the company. It's the incorporated. It's Dead Incorporated. Yeah, it's the people from the back office.

Still cranking out those Jerry Garcia neckties. Neckties? Remember that? I don't. Everybody had a Jerry Garcia necktie. I had one. I had a Jerry Garcia necktie and a John Lennon necktie. Oh, man. Oh, man.

I have a Regis. You have a Regis necktie? For when he was on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, you would wear those black shirts with the solid colored ties. Monochromatic look. Yeah. Classic mobster look. I want to be a millionaire. I like that you dress like a gangster. Thank you. Yeah. When people picture me doing the show, I hope they know that I'm wearing a full suit with a Regis tie. And monochromatic look. Wingtips. Wingtips shoes. And a Tommy gun. Yep.

Country Joe McDonald. Yeah. What right does that guy have still being alive? The fish aren't coming? The what? Country Joe and the fish was his band. Oh, yeah, you're right. The fish aren't coming. But what about fish? Is fish there? Fish is not there either. Well, that would be confusing. By the way, Country Joe and the fish, P-H-I-S-H, would be a great shot. That's a million dollar tour right there. If you play about a

thousand shows. Come on, Trey Anastasio, if you're listening, stop soloing and put this together. Country Joe fell out with the fish, the F-I-S-H, and what I heard was that they wanted to get fish on the lineup for this, but he said that it would be confusing. Oh, I see. They bowed down to big Country Joe's demands. He was at the original Woodstock? Country Joe was. The fish were too? He was there with the fish. They sang, going up the country, man. Okay. Country, country.

So far, I've not heard of at least three of the people you mentioned, and yet I know Sean and I.

Exactly. Canned Heat is going to be there. Canned Heat sounds like a band that was at the original Woodstock, but I have not been able to confirm. I believe they were. Yeah, cannot confirm nor deny. Can't confirm nor deny. John Fogerty, I don't think he made it to the original. I don't think so. Was he the credence? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Well, this is an injustice. It's a complete, it's a ridiculous injustice. And I got to tell you, I'm not in great standing with the band at this time right now.

now. Well, sure, they just sued the skis off of you. They sued me for my Na Sha Sha tour and also they're very upset with me because I promised them that I would get them into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. By the way, the last time that you were here, were we not trying to get all of our fans of the show to sign a petition to get them at least nominated

And I believe some fans attempted to try and make this happen, but I don't think anything came of it. I believe I may have signed a petition. Did you really? To that effect, yes. Was it a WhiteHouse.gov petition? I think it was, yeah. I think it may have been. See, that may not be the place to petition it, too. I don't know. I feel like it could be something they've inexplicably become passionate about. Is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame a federal agency? Exactly.

It might be. Is that a cabinet position? I do think Jan Wenner is like HUD secretary or something. Yeah, he might be. Okay, that makes sense. All right, all right.

So they did not get nominated this last year. Listen to these losers that got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I know The Cure is going in, right? The Cure. The Cure, which has been ripping off Sean Anah from day one. In what respect do you think they've been ripping off Sean Anah? Do this. Do this, man. Do this experiment. Okay. Go ahead. Get one of your Cure records. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Get a 33 RPM Cure record. All right.

Okay. Which one did you get? I got 17 seconds. Okay. I got kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. Okay, good. Go ahead and put that on the turntable and crank it up to 45. Oh, okay. You're listening to Shot On Now.

Wow. Holy shit. That is shot on out. Okay. That's all they did. That's all that Robert Smith did. He just slowed everything down. He just slowed it down. Yeah, man. You're right. Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick. What I'm saying is the opposite of what you're doing. I know. I know.

No, I'm taking a Sean Anah song and slowing it down. You're taking a Cure song and slowing it down. I misunderstood. You gotta speed that up and now you're listening to the Sean Anah. Got it, got it, got it. Show me, show me, show me how to do that trick. The one that makes me scream. That's good stuff. It's garbage when they do it. The Roxy music. When you say garbage, you mean like garbage. The band? Who should be

Shirley Manson, yeah. Who should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I don't think so. I don't think any of Charles Manson's children should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. God, I hope Charles Manson doesn't show up, by the way. To the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? No, to this show, yeah. I mean, the last time I saw him, he was a ghost, and he creeps me out. Ghost of Charles Manson? He is one of the previous guests. I know. I hope he doesn't show up. All right. In any case...

Yeah. So you're upset about these two things? Roxy Music. You said Roxy Music got in. You're not happy about that? Never heard of them. Radiohead. Never heard of them. Radiohead didn't even fucking show up. And when I heard that Radiohead was not going to fucking show up at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony, I just got on the phones and I said, How many phones do you have? In my house? I got a boiler room downstairs. Really? With a switchboard? Yeah, I've got a switchboard down there. For stocks or for what? Well,

I originally set it up just to phone bank to get people calling Sha Na Na to ask them to give me another shot of being in the band. So you're going down to Home Depot and hiring day laborers. Have them come over. I gave them a script. You know, I gave them a script. Sure, of course. Do you have Final Draft? How did you type this script up? Oh, no. I had to handwrite it. I don't have a computer. I'm looking for someone with Final Draft to authorize me on a computer. Oh.

Really? Yeah, I'm authorized on too many computers. I can't write anymore on my new one. I have a solution for you. Well, I'll tell you off air. Okay, thanks. But...

But anyway, yeah, I cranked up the phone banks one more time to try and get the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Just say like, okay, I get it. Radiohead is being inducted. I understand. You do understand. You've heard of them. You haven't heard of Roxy Music, but you know Radiohead. No, I only heard of them when I heard that they were not going to perform at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I said, I know who performed. So you hadn't heard of Roxy Music because they were going to perform. Uh-huh. I've never heard of any of these people. Right. I heard of the Zombies.

Zombies. They belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Absolutely. Odyssey and Oracle. Unbelievable record. Yeah, definitely. They had one good record and they can get right behind Sean and I in line as far as I'm fucking concerned. That was one good record. Anyway. So when you heard about Radiohead, you... I said...

I get it. They're being inducted. Nobody's arguing with that. But when it comes time for them to play, they're not going to be there. Sure. So what if... Raise the curtain and it's Sha Na Na. Singing Radiohead? It's singing... Well, my suggestion was they start a Radiohead song. Got it. And you can pick it. Any Radiohead song you want. High and dry. Sha Na Na would crush whatever that song is. Don't leave me high.

Oh, that sounds perfect. Yeah, it would be something like that. That sounds perfect. Yeah, that sounds perfect for them. That's ripe for harmonies. Yeah. So they do about a half, maybe a half of a Radiohead song, and then bang, slam. Are they pretending to be Radiohead? Are they dressed as Radiohead? Are they carrying instruments?

I think... Well, they do carry instruments, members of Sean and I. Sure. Some of them are just singers. But I mean Radiohead's instruments. Do they have the whole set up there? Do they have the back line that Radiohead uses? This is how I pictured it. I think they're lit from behind. Oh, okay. And there's a fog machine. So people think it's Radiohead. That's right. Nobody knows. Nobody knows what's going on. They're like, we heard Radiohead was not playing. Right. But the curtain comes up and somebody starts singing a better version of a Radiohead song than Radiohead ever played in their lives. Right. And they're like, what happened to Radiohead? How'd they become so great? How'd they become so great? And then...

Bang! Up come the lights. Now we see the band straight into... Piratechnics. Sure. Oh, okay. So flashpots go off. Yes, the lights come up and now the crowd, which has been standing there going, okay, Radiohead sounds better than usual. I'm into this. Now all of a sudden...

Holy fucking shit. It's shot on now with John Bowser. Bowman is reunited with Bowser. No, he's out. Oh, he's out. Okay. Bowser's. He left the bed. I said, the bed is doing better than. Yeah, but I mean, for the rock and roll induction, Hall of Fame induction, he would show up, wouldn't he? Well, look, I mean, that,

Is there bad blood? I mean, Plant and Page, I think, got together to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and they hate each other. Guys, we should be so lucky to have these problems that Sean and I has to work out the lineup for their performance when they get inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We should be so lucky. We can't give up because let's be honest. Bon Jovi has been eligible for induction for the last...

Has not received it. Ten years. He received it last year. Oh, he did. Last year they got in. And he was sore about it as well. He was really griping about it. And Steve Miller is right now. He's complaining about how long it took him to get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Yeah. So, I mean, it can still happen. I mean, Sean and I, look, they've been around for 50 some odd years. The zombies just got...

got in this year. It could absolutely still happen. And I don't know if I mentioned this last time I was here, but they wrote a song, Shauna now wrote a song called the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. You did mention this. Yes. Years. Constantly mentioned this. Years before the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was established. They were not, so they

created they created the fucking rock and roll this is bullshit yeah there should be a statue of them like magic johnson outside the the staples center there should be like a bronze statue of shauna na as you enter the rock and roll well it's funny you should say that because i proposed that to the members of shauna na and my suggestion was that they pose for it and that's what i said that no that i said that they should like cover themselves in bronze makeup and whatever and pose and then go do like a robot

kind of thing. Like on the front? Yeah, posed in front of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and people are going to walk up going, oh, it's a statue. And then suddenly they have a whistle in their mouth that goes, yeah, yeah. And then they break out into some of their songs. Break out into some of their songs and then that would be the inspiration for actually getting that statue. You know why the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame would

never let that happen. Why? Because nobody would enter the venue. Everybody would crowd around Shauna. That's right. Shauna is outside giving a free concert. Like, the Beatles on the rooftop, they are a distraction from the reality and they would shut it down. That's right. Yeah, no entry fees into this museum. I heard that when the

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony is happening whether it's in New York or in Cleveland, which sometimes it is as well. The members of Shauna Na are on a no-fly list. Whoa. They are not allowed to travel to those states. So they're actively... They're not just saying... They are Shauna Na'd. Nailed it. Ooh.

Shun. Shun. Shun. Shun. I mean, it's not the best. No, it's pretty good. It's not. So they're actively barring them from entry. That is incredible. Why would they do something like that? Because they're afraid. Because they know that, like, if once people, like, really consider and remember and reflect upon the music of Sha Na Na,

all the other music in that whole place is going to seem like crap. Can I ask you a question, hot dog? Yeah. And this is open Scott for you as well, but I think, I think hot dog might have some personal experience with it being that Sean on, uh, originally before the rock and roll hall of fame existed, wrote a song called rock and roll hall of fame. You can find it on YouTube. Do you feel as though there is some sort of legal, no, some sort of prophecy in place that if they get admitted to

into this membership into this organization, not an organization, but into this hall. Into an organization that they foresaw. Yeah, do they become all powerful? Is there something about inducting Shana now that would close a circle? Where the prophecy is suddenly complete. Yeah. And maybe the blood of Shana now would be involved.

Everything that they predicted would come true? Yeah. What else have they predicted? Because that's the thing. If Rock and Roll Hall of Fame coming true is the culmination of their song coming to life, what else did they sing about? What else could be brought to life?

What else is Shaanana? I mean, they sung about an earth angel. Oh, no. Oh, no. So everyone on earth becomes, this is the rapture we're talking about. Okay, so Shaanana might bring about the rapture? Well, I mean, it's fascinating. It's definitely a concern. Waiter, is this something that you're actively trying to bring about? Have you heard of this theory?

on the Reddit, in the message board? This is more than a theory, gentlemen. Hot dog? Wait, are you trying to bring about the rapture by getting Shana and I into the rock and roll? Guys, I really did not think we were going to get this far into it today at all. I thought mainly we were going to talk about Woodstock because that is also a concern because they got to get, we got, because look, let me just say real quick on that one subject. Yeah, before we get to the rapture. Woodstock tickets. Let's get to something a little more grounded. Woodstock tickets in 2019 are not selling well at all. Well, they're not even,

available yet. They're not available. They're behind schedule to even put them on for sale. The main impediment is that they're not on sale. Yeah, but it's not looking good. Everybody's like, wow, how come these tickets aren't available yet? It's very suspicious. And the reason is because everybody's sitting there going, when are you going to announce the time slot for Shine On Up? Okay, now can we move on to the Rapture? So you're telling me if they, in fact, get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, that will be the first...

That will be the first domino falling in all of their song titles coming true. And thereby the apocalypse happening? Earth Angel being the next one. Thus, angels will appear on Earth or all Earthlings become angels? All Earthlings become angels? I don't know. Or do the angels come down with fiery swords? It means that the angels will come to Earth. It also means that the angels will all be teens because of Teen Angel. Oh! So many angels!

It also means that finally revealed unto the world will be the book of love. What? Oh, man. The fiery book of love. The fiery book of love. Preach, hot dog, preach. It also means that we will finally meet the Duke of Earl. What? Oh, no. The Duke of Earl? He sounded scary. The Duke of Earl will descend upon the earth. Oh, no. Yes, indeed, as foretold by Shanana.

Oh, God. And also everyone, every single man, woman, or child on earth will get a job. Oh, no. By the way, full employment? That's pretty good. Yeah, but wait a minute. What is this job? But how many people are left? Yeah, is this job something like, you know, working for Satan or licking his balls or something like that? Working? Licking his balls? I don't know. Licking Satan's balls? Yeah.

I don't know if I would call that a job. Do you consider it a hobby? That depends. Are you getting paid for it? Is there a union? Do I have to fire my agents?

But yeah, every single person on earth will get a job and what that job is will be up to Sha Na Na. Wow. So are Sha Na Na, I'm so confused. Are Sha Na Na the agents of good or bad? Are they representing the holy or the... You're very, always very concerned upon which side these people are. I want to know who to align with. I wonder who Hutt

dog is aligned with obviously with Sean on trying to be the architect of all of this yes yes do you think if you can get them into the rock and roll hall if I'm bringing about the rapture they will finally accept you into the group that is exactly what I think what yes I am conspiring against humanity to get humanity there's our answer

Against humanity. Against humanity. Shannanah inducted into the Rocket Rule Hall of Fame so that I can finally join the band which they have promised me will happen. And thereby become one of these spiritual figures that rules the earth? Yes, that's exactly right. When you tried to audition for Shannanah, did they say, we'll only take you if you're the last man on earth?

Well, yeah. I mean, they said that to me many times. And that's what you're trying to make happen. And so, yeah, I said, well, guys, let's talk about this. Let's sketch that out. What does that look like? I think, Jason, can I talk to you a second? Yeah, I'm right here, buddy. You guys got to have a conversation. Yeah, man. Yeah, I think we're good. I'm going to read up on that. I brought an issue of Water Skiing Weekly, so I'll just read that while you guys have it. The weekly publication for water skiers everywhere. Every week. Well, sometimes they miss a week, but go ahead. That is

a thick magazine it is that is yeah it's like a bible they don't do one at christmas okay well that's good to know i think hot dog's evil hey man i think this is a bad news situation i think that he's on the side of don de mello and cannot get them into the rock and roll hall of fame no we have to actively all those people the whitehouse.gov petition that we signed i can't believe this is shocking i always thought hot dog was i thought he was benign and just one of the more genial

Characters? When I say characters, I mean... We've met some real monsters before. Sure, but we always thought Hot Dog was... And this guy seemed like a real lovely gent. I mean, other than them, you know, wanting to serve his penis to Mitt Romney. Oh, that's right. And have him eat it. I mean...

I mean, those are just like quirks. Oh, man, there are so many specifics I forgot. But I've always felt that Hot Dog was like a relatively good guy who was on the side of humanity. And now we see he's actively working against us. We should have known. Look at the way he's licking his finger to turn the page. It's so wet. It's disgusting. Hey, guys, I don't know what you guys are talking about, but check this out. Alex Luther just broke the world record distance for a water ski. Oh, very cool, Hot Dog. Very cool. Pretty cool. Yeah, keep reading. 2,200 miles.

Yeah, tell us. I wonder if it'll be easier or harder to water ski on the Earth's oceans when they are boiling and full of blood, hot dog. I'm thinking easier. Okay, well...

You know, we can't argue. He's really thought it through. I mean, I guess it'll cook the meat that he's eating on and make it more hard. Fantastically delicious, yeah. Well, Hot Dog, I don't know. Jason, actually, can you keep reading about that, Jason? Yeah, I'm happy to keep reading, but I just want to. I just got a sidebar or something. You guys are telling all your listeners to get on that petition, right? Oh, sure. Yeah, that's exactly. We want to do that privately. We have to have that petition taken down.

We have to have that petition taken down. We have to incapacitate him. We are accomplices in bringing about the end of times. We need to stop him. I don't know whether it's you and I can do it or... I don't know. We're going to need help on this, but we simply don't have time. We might need... No, I think we have to. We need help on this. Maybe we can get an accomplice. Sure. Who's someone in the past that...

hunts monsters that could maybe like come in. Do we have one of those? Yeah, like a real monster hunter type person who like, you know. Do you remember what that person's name is? Well, I mean, someone who goes out there looking for monsters, scours the earth looking for monsters and assassinates them. Hey guys, Salvatore Florio lost his spotter. Yeah,

Oh, really, hot dog? Yeah. That's incredible. So does that mean he's kind of vulnerable now to sharks and any other things? Very much so. I mean, he's got to get another spot before he gets out there in the water. Is climate change affecting the water skiing out there, hot dog? Oh, yeah, it's affecting it, but in a good way. In a good way? In a good way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The oceans are getting a little more hot? Yeah, yeah. That's better. Generally better for water skiing conditions. This guy is pure evil. I'm going to go back to reading my magazine. Oh,

Okay. Okay. I thought of someone. Who? Someone who goes around fighting monsters. Yeah. The guy we were talking about before, the Western poet guy. Oh, Dalton Wilcox? Dalton Wilcox, yeah. He assassinated him. Oh, he was definitely part of the good guys. Well, well, well. Goddamn city slickers. You conjured him. You conjured him. Oh, my God. He's here for the 10th anniversary. Dalton Wilcox.

Dalton! Somebody said my name! Is that all it takes to say his name once? Well, it depends on the context, but in this particular context, I believe you gentlemen were talking about the great war between good and evil. Yes, we were! And when my name is invoked in that context, I can't appear. Dalton, we were maybe getting the title wrong of what you actually do. We were saying Western poet? Poet of the West, I believe. Well, goodbye, motherfucker! No, no, no!

No, we need you. I just, we can't remember. How dare you forget? We need clarification. I am the goddamn poet laureate of the West. Yeah, that's what I said. That's what it is, poet laureate of the West. That's literally what I said. I think I keep saying old West. No, you do. No, it is the old West and the new West. It is the modern West. It is the West. It's the West. It is the West of all times. I am also the world's foremost chronicler and collector of the wit and wisdom of the West. That's my other- I'm not going to lie, Scott. No.

Hot dog looks nervous. Yeah. Who's this motherfucker? Who's this? This is a piece of shit over here. This is hot dog. This is hot dog. Famous water skier. How's it going, man? My name is hot dog. My name is Dalton Wilcox.

Hot Dog... And it's going fine. Hot Dog here is a famous water skier who is... What is water skiing? You know what? I'm not going to lie. I'm just going to cut straight to the chase here. Dalton, we called for you because Hot Dog is trying to bring about the end times so that he can get into popular 50s era doo-wop singing group Sha Na Na. Wait a minute. Who will become lords of the earth? Do you know about the Sha Na Na prophecy? When you first said that...

hot dog is trying to bring about the end times. I thought I was about to laugh it off. Like, well, a lot of people are trying to bring about the end times. Of course. I hear about that all the time. That's no big deal. But then when you uttered those three syllables. Well, two syllables. Sha-na-na. One repeated. Well, I consider that as wrong with you. How many syllables does the word banana have? Oh, boy. Ba-na-na. Let's not minions this, okay? Okay.

Let's not go down a minions. I thought you meant three unique syllables. No, I would have said three unique syllables. Let's not get sidetracked on syllables. The fate of the free world is in our hands. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I still think we have about a year until the next Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I don't know what's depressing. Oh, well, that's a decent point. I don't know. When's this episode coming out? Yeah.

Well, when you said that, I said, holy shit, this shit is serious because I'm very intimately familiar with the Shana prophecy. Are you out there on the message boards? I'm always reading up on any threats to humanity. Yeah.

I'm very, very concerned with evil and with Satan and with monsters and, as you know, vampires, mummies, and Frankenstein. Sure, yeah, that's your main bailiwick, but... Because it's your duty to protect Mother Earth.

Right? Oh, yes. Sweet, beautiful mother earth. Yeah, that you have a very intimate relationship with. You're talking about how sometimes I'll fuck a hole in the ground? Yeah, I believe we are. That's what I was alluding to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you just pour a little water in the hole in the ground. Sure, no, we know all of the details of how it's done. And you just fuck it. Have you ever tried coconut oil? No.

Put some coconut oil on the ground. Or coconut water. Coconut water. Well, that sounds like fancy city slicking bullshit. Oh, I'm sorry. I apologize. Open up your canteen, pour some water in there, fuck it. Cry it out loud. Okay, sorry. Turn it into a goddamn spa day. Sorry. Jesus Christ. But look.

over here who's still reading his magazine, by the way. He's engrossed in his magazine, thank goodness. He's thankfully just really engrossed. Deep in what looks like product reviews. Yeah, it's a lot of product reviews for plastic bags to keep your camera in and...

Right, right. Dry bags. And ropes, yeah, dry bags and whatnot, and water ski waxes. There's over 87 different brands of water ski waxes. As someone who does not currently own water skis, I'm wondering why you are looking at all the accoutrement. Well, I'm aspiring to get my hands on another pair of water skis. Sure, sure. When I do. By the way, I bet once everybody ascends to heaven, there'll be plenty of loose water skis just around. But I wonder if he needs those water skis before this actually happens for any purpose. Oh, are they part of it? Oh.

What are you talking about? Part of the... Part of the prophecy? Part of the Shana-Na prophecy. The Shana-Na prophecy? Yeah. Yeah, sure they are. Is that why they sued you for the water skis? Trying to take away your power? Trying to make sure that you are not one of the immortal lords that rules the earth? Earth? Earth?

Yeah, they're a little concerned because... Well, you know who else walked on water? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ did. That's the issue. So the Shine On Out guys believe that water skiers are sort of modern Christ. And I've been saying that for a long time. And they would ascend higher than them? And that it would become a great battle between the water walkers, the modern geniuses.

Modern Jesuses. Modern Jesuses. Geniuses. The Modern Jesuses is a great band name. Yeah, as is Waterwalkers. Versus Shauna Na. And they're afraid that that's a great war. And little do they know that I've been a spy inside the Modern Jesuses all this time. Whoa. And I've been trying to make sure that there's a big water skiing convention on the day of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Oh, wow. So that all the water skiers. Dalton, Dalton, are you hearing?

I'm hearing it and I don't really understand it because nobody answered my first question, what is water skiing? Oh, well, modern Jesuses. Now do you understand? It's when somebody is towed behind a boat that is going fast enough and they have skis on their feet. Long-awaited sticks or meat. They raise up out of the water and are allowed to skim along the surface of the water at a speed that allows them to walk on water much like our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. These can be either skis or meat.

They can be. Yeah, although only one person has used meat. Okay, now I understand. And you're looking at him. You have, Scott? No, no, no. I said you're looking at him when you were looking at Hot Dog over here, and then you looked at me. Then I looked at you. Okay, before I was looking at him. Yeah, you were. You have skied on the water on meat. Yeah, that's right. I was the first person ever to do it. And the last, as far as I know. That's right. Nobody else has ever tried it. Can you believe that? Wow.

Primarily because you were saying, like, sharks and whales started eating the meat. It's extremely dangerous. I mean, it's basically an invitation to the sharks. That's how they interpreted it. So...

Dalton, hot dog here, may end up ruling over all of us if the Shanana prophecy happens. And he has this water skiing condition. Well, I don't know, but I think I would be the low man on the Shanana totem pole at that point. If you brought this about, wouldn't they reward you handsomely? Oh, man. I never thought of that. You'd sort of be the Shanana antichrist in a way. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I can't wait for this to happen, you guys. This sounds really, really great.

Dalton, do something. Well, I'm hearing all this. Brother, this is a tough one. I think I'm going to give up. You're going to give up? Dalton. Dalton, you're a coward? Dalton, what? Just me all alone. Last time I took on the forces of evil, I had a whole list of good guys on my corner. Yeah, but there's only one bad guy over here. It's just this guy, Hot Dog. How am I going to defeat this son of a bitch?

Well, I mean, you have... You know what? We have a year. We have a year. Until the next Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. Yeah. So if you want to formulate some sort of a plan, I don't know whether you...

I mean, I think a water ski through the heart might do it, but I know you don't have a water ski. Would that kill you, hot dog? A water ski through the heart? I think a water ski through the heart would kill just about anybody. I mean, I think. Anything through the heart, really. Sure. You'd put anything through the heart would kill a person. Yeah, probably. I mean, that's probably true. A frozen hot dog? A frozen hot dog. Well, man, that would be a hell of a way to go. Oh, man. I wouldn't even object to that.

Is that how you'd prefer to go out? I'd love to go out, yeah. Would you prefer to be killed by a frozen hot dog bullet or a water ski through the heart? Oh, a frozen hot dog bullet. That's perfect. Yeah. Like mixed with a little silver, but with like a hot dog casing. You're saying I have one year to formulate a hot dog into a bullet. Yep. Sure. To forge that, you know. That heady mix of meats and natural casings. And silver. Yeah.

Challenge accepted. Thank you. Yes. We did it. I'm going to spend between now and the next Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction making a hot dog into a bullet that I can fire, no offense, at you. You got to fire it from a gun that looks like a bun, though. Yeah, a bun gun. A bun gun. A bun gun, yeah. Not a stun gun, a bun gun. A bun gun. We got to get a bun. Okay, so your to-do list is a bun gun. Okay, all right. Let me write this shit down. Got it.

damn it a bun gun a hot dog bullet because you don't know where you're gonna need to like we don't know where you're gonna find hot dogs you might smuggle it in yeah it has to be safe you might be have to have it on an airplane plus hot dog needs to I think it would be almost like an enticement to him of like he would let down his defenses and be like oh a hot dog my namesake and that would be the perfect time to strike don't listen to this hot dog by the

way i have not been listening uh okay good i just checked my phone and i will say that since we started talking the um petition to get uh shauna and i into the rock and roll hall of fame has exploded oh jesus oh no people are signing it by people are signing it we okay so forces of evil this is real this is real this is really happening this is really this is not a drill maybe the last year that we know it on earth yeah

Well, that would be sad because I have pretty big plans for 2021. Oh, yeah? What do you got in 2021? I'm writing my third book. Oh,

Oh, wow. What was the second book? The second book. Damn it. The second book. Son of a bitch. Second book. We all know the first one, of course. Yes. Do not call your wife. No, it's you're more than welcome to have a wife. What is it now? It's the. The first book? Yeah, the first book. The first book was do not call your wife a horse. You must buy more jewelry. These guesses are terrible. Yeah.

Just tell us. This is many years ago. Yeah, you just tell us. You must buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse and other poems and observations, humorous and otherwise, from a life on the range. The follow-up book was... By Dalton Wilcox. You forgot that part. Yeah, by Dalton Wilcox. The follow-up book was you must still buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse and additional poems and observations from a life still being lived. Yeah.

And on the range. By Dalton Wilcox. By Dalton Wilcox. By Dalton Wilcox. Who wrote the first book by Dalton Wilcox. Yeah. Yeah. By Dalton Wilcox. Yeah. So what will the third one be called? I believe I did leave out some words. Yeah. And it's quite common when people tell you the title of their book that they forget some of the words. Sure. War, Peace. That's a very long title. So it's okay. It's not that long a title. Not that long a title. I object. That's pretty long. No. No.

But I'm going to write my third book. Do you have a title? Yeah. Working title, at least? I do. I have a working title. And it is, if you thought you were done buying at least as much jewelry for your wife as you buy your horse, you are sorely mistaken. And other poems and observations from a life that, believe it or not, is still being lived on the range of

by Dalton Wilcox, who wrote the first book and the second book and has now written the third book by Dalton Wilcox. By Dalton Wilcox, of course. Wow. I cannot wait to read that in 2021. Is this available for pre-orders? Yeah, that's available for pre-orders on Amazon. Okay, and that's going to get you enough money to actually write it. I do need people to pre-order it so that I can write it. Yeah. You're just going to have to take my word for it that there's going to be words and stuff.

And also, I guess, be looking out for you to kill Hot Dog at some point within the next calendar year. This has added some personal stakes. You want your book to come out in 2021, so this time it's personal. You guys are directly at odds. I've got to get a bun gun.

and I got to get a hot dog bullet and I got to shoot this son of a bitch straight through the heart. And that's my year. Can I ask Hot Dog a quick question? Hot Dog, is your heart where normal people... Why didn't you say Shirley? You answer for Hot Dog. No, I'm just saying I will cede the microphone. Hot Dog, is your heart where traditionally... You guys are sharing a microphone like Springsteen and...

And little Steven. Little Steven Van Zandt. Is your heart where people's heart is traditionally? Why should I tell you that? Oh, boy. That would be a tactical error because I don't think this guy's going to be able to make more than one hot dog bullet. You better guess right, you son of a bitch. Uh-oh. So hot dog could be some sort of like mutant anomaly? I don't know, man. Or maybe I had my heart moved because I knew that something like this was going to happen. Wow, that's smart. That is amazing. That's diabolic.

Well, I look forward to this confrontation in about a year. I'm pretty good at finding people's hearts. I think I'll be all right. I think maybe... Well, sir, you have touched my heart numerous times with your poems. You have touched the hearts of our listeners. Both of you have. And I think by the time episode 650 comes around...

It'll be about time for... Probably the last episode. About a year will have elapsed. Probably the final episode of this podcast. I doubt it. And for humanity. Yeah, well, it could be. That's what I mean. Yeah, okay. You're talking about episode 650 is when I should come back and give you a progress report on my efforts to shoot... Well, that'll be around the time when the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is happening, so I think that'll be a good time to do this. Well, let's just open our calendars. What's good for you guys?

Currently... We do have trouble scheduling these, so maybe this would be a good idea. It may take as long as that in order to get us in the same room again. Well, I'll say for my part, I hope that it takes you guys a real long time to schedule it because the longer it takes, the longer I have to live. You know, Hot Dog, I've never looked at you like this before. What do you mean, man? I just always thought you were a carefree, happy-go-lucky guy. Grandfatherly presence on the show. Yeah, yeah. Hey, this Friday night, you guys want to come out to Bob's Big Boy for a classic car show? Sure. All right, let's do it. I don't.

No, what does he mean? I just want to hang out with him. He's so great. He's so nice. We only have like six more months. Yeah, but I fear he has ulterior motives here for this. We just definitely found out he does. Yeah, but it's fun. Bob's big boy classic car show. Jay Leno going to be there? Jay Leno sometimes stops by. Yeah, it depends whether he's got, you know. All right, I'll go. As long as he's driving an old timey fire truck. And he's like, here's something. Yeah. Sometimes you've got to gig at Morongo.

But if not, he'll try to make it out to the bottom of the big book. Well, all right. I think we all have our marching orders. All right. I'm glad that you guys came and we could find this out on the 10th anniversary show. This is momentous. 10th anniversary of what? Woodstock? Oh, boy. Oh, no. No, no, no, man. It's the 50th anniversary. You guys are going to be arch enemies here in a second.

Dalton, did you go to Woodstock? Are you kidding me? I went to Woodstock 99 to try and shoot some... To try to break stuff, as Limp Bizkit said. Well, no, I just figured there was going to be a lot of monsters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did well. Did you get a shot at Fred Durst? I don't know who that is, but I killed 19 vampires at Woodstock 99. Uh-oh. I think I read something about that.

Well, guys, thank you. Dalton, thank you for appearing when we summoned you. It's amazing that you came, you know, and the battle between good and evil continues. It's my pleasure, and you're just lucky I had pants on, because if you'd done it 15 minutes ago, I would not have. What were you...

You were somewhere out there on the range? I was out there on the range. You're lucky I finished up as fast as I did. Okay. Well, thanks, Dalton. So good to see you. My pleasure. And Hot Dog. Yeah! So look, people should sign the petition to get Shine On Eye into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. No, please do not sign the petition. We are respectfully asking people not to, actually. And please get in touch with whoever's planning that goddamn Woodstock and tell them, like, you know, you can't have a Woodstock without Shine On Eye. You can't do it.

That I do agree with. That I do agree, yeah. And that is instrumented. It's a big part of the plan to get them inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Oh, wait a minute. Get them on stage at Woodstock Saturday night. Everybody's going to be grooving to all the old songs, and then they're going to demand that Rock and Roll Hall of Fame recognize Sean Hanna. Yeah.

Okay, well, Hot Dog, great to see you. Thank you so much for dropping by. Great to see you guys. Yeah, and Jason. Scotty. It's so great to see you. Happy anniversary, Finn. Happy anniversary to you. I don't know why I just said that. It's not your anniversary. Great job. You've done amazing work. Thanks, buddy, and you're such a big part of it. Thank you for letting me be a part of it. Thank you for being a part of it for all these 10 years. Absolutely. And I'll see you on episode 650 and not before then. Absolutely. Goodbye. All right.

Oh, wow. So good to see those three again. And what a momentous... What a momentous occasion that will be. Episode 650, that's merely a year away. And, wow. The battle between good and evil continues. Amazing. Well, speaking of good and evil, I have no idea if someone evil is about to show up, but I hope it's someone good. So, I guess if there's someone else that...

Well, who's this that's opening the door here? I can... Did someone open the door? I mean, I don't see anyone chest high. I hear some sort of a... Skulldrake! Oh my... I hear, I believe, the voice of...

Andrew Lloyd Webber or Andrew Lord Webber. Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. We've been over this many, many times. But I don't see him. I'm accustomed to seeing him approximately not at exactly eye level to me. I believe I see his hairline at my eye level. How am I doing, by the way? My hairline. It's all right. All right.

Where are you? Scottrick. Lord Webber, I don't see you. Scottrick, I pray you look down. I'm not sure if I should look down. I mean...

Don't drag this out more than it already has been drugged. This is extremely embarrassing. Is this some sort of an Ashton Kutcher punk situation if I look down? I don't know who or what that is. I don't think a lot of people do anymore. All right, look, I will tilt my chin downwards. And my eye gaze shall... The one time I beg of you to look down on me.

Oh my goodness, Lord Webber, you are approximately two feet high now. It's true, it's true, and it's mortifying. How and why and where and who and when did this happen? The reporter's questions! I will answer your questions in the order I feel most comfortable with, as is my want, as a peer of the realm. Did you know that I composed a musical called Cats?

I think that's one of the top things that people know about you. When they think of Andrew Lloyd Webber, Cats is right up there. You know, could be number one with a bullet. I mean, Phantom, that's maybe number one. Maybe two is Cats. Starlight Express is three. Shut up. So you are aware. Okay.

Of course. I mean, Cats, it was the longest running show on Broadway. Yes, and will be again, and will be for all time. I don't know about that. We shall see, at the end of all things, when Gabriel's holy trumpet is blown.

And the roll is called up yonder. Do you think that's one of the things St. Peter will be checking off when people get to heaven is did you see Cats on Broadway? I should hope so. I should hope at least it's noted that it was the longest running theatrical production. So maybe St. Peter will be saying, did you know that it is the longest running theatrical production on Broadway? No, no, no. I don't think he's going to ask it as if he's doing some fun facts, as if he's peacocking at a singles bar.

trying to pick up a lady with trivia. Do you think anyone would use that particular bit of trivia to pick up a lady? If they want to have sexual relations, then yes. Okay.

Well, yes, I do know about cats. Yes, you do know about cats. And I do hope that St. Peter will end, at the end of all things, when the apocalypse has come and the righteous are raptured up into heaven, I hope that when all that is taken care of, all the logistics are over with, that St. Peter will say, and I am pleased to announce, cats was...

The longest running theatrical performance of all time. And then all the angels will applaud. Do angels have hands? I don't know. Do they have feet? Of course they do. They have feet. They have hands. I mean, they don't need the feet, right? Beautiful golden curls. I guess they need the hands to play the harps. That makes sense. But the feet, they don't need them anymore. No, they don't need them. But it would be strange if they didn't have them. Well, when you're floating around in the clouds, do you think like people kick their legs like they're swimming or something? I think that's exactly what happens.

I mean, plus with the robes and all that, you know, I'd be afraid of people looking up your robe. I'm very critical of God's plan. As Drake said. Did he say that? Well, he said God's plan. I'm not sure of the lyrics before it.

Look, of course I know Cats, and of course it will be the longest-running Broadway musical of all time. Of course it shall. Congratulations. That still does not explain how you arrived at your current height. We'd gotten so used to it that I'm only two feet tall. Well, as you know, as you should know,

They are finally making a silver screen adaptation of My Musical Cats based on Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats by the deceased T.S. Eliot. That's right. It's coming out this Christmas, I believe. You must be so excited. I'm very excited. First of all, in your face, T.S. Eliot. He never got a movie made out of his poem. Who can't but I? Here's what I call T.S. Eliot, too songless.

Too sad. Too sad. Elliot. Too sad, Elliot. Elliot. Phone home and say, Andrew Lloyd Webber has made something better than I could ever make. Ouch. I'll be right here in Nowheresville. All the ET catchphrases.

E.T., the additional terrestrial. The additional terrestrial. So does he get money from your show, by the way? Disney gets no money from the show. Disney. Is that what you said? Is that what you said? No, I said, does he? Who? T.S. Eliot. Who? Because he was in the public domain at that point. He's dead, dear boy. He's popped his clogs. Yeah, I mean, the estate of T.S. Eliot. He's gone over. I mean, if... Cancel all engagements, darling.

He is cancelled. T.S. Eliot, cancelled! From life. Well, that's too bad if his family doesn't receive any money from not only the silver screen adaptation, but the Broadway show. I mean, that's quite a bit of change that could have gone into their pockets. Indeed, but I don't know if Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats...

counts as something that you could get royalties from. Why? He wrote it, and you... Many people... Scott Rick, I'm glad we're talking about this finally. Many people criticize Cats, my cats, as just a parade of characters announcing who they are and their attributes...

And then singing and then singing about it and singing about them. And then they fuck right off. Right. And then they all get up onto a tire at the end and they float off into not all of them. Just the one. Oh, because she dies. She is. I don't know. I have no idea. She's at the end of her life. OK, I've seen it and I don't recall. Right now. Imagine that's a book. Right. Imagine there's no singing, no dancing.

You're just reading a book where Ram Tum Tugger says, here's me, I'm Ram Tum Tugger. Hello, everyone. A few things about me. I'm very contrary. You say one thing, I say the other. Goodbye. Next chapter. And this is broken up into chapters. It's the first book, the first book that was deemed untrue.

Unworthy of retaining rights. Okay. Because no one would ever use it as a springboard for anything. There's no... There's nothing to springboard. He doesn't deserve any money for it. Okay. I don't know that that's true. Otherwise, you could have written your own thing about cats. And... That's not what I do. Well, Starlight Express, of course.

Starlight Express was not based on anything. No. A dream I once had. Were you dreaming about the roller skates or the train or people making up a train? I was dreaming of a train on rolling skates. And was it going through a tunnel? Do you know, Scottrick, shut up. Do you know it's very sad that so many vehicles will never experience the joy of roller skating? Think about that. That's too sad, Elliot. Like angels, they don't have feet. And so how are they to roller skate? That's true.

Moment of silence for them. Please. That's enough. Barely had time to affix my poppy to my ermine cape. So, yes, I know about cats and I know the movie is coming out. This still does not answer my question. I'm getting to it, dear boy. I'm getting to it. The pleasure is in the journey, not in the destination. Ah, that is true. Well, I'm enjoying this. So but let's see if this destination actually ever arrives.

Let's see if this destination ever arrives. Do you understand anything about physics? Not a lot. Other than, of course, if you hit something, an equal opposite reaction. Is that what it is? Yes. So you hit me with that ridiculous sentence and I hit you back with an epic clap back. Oh, man, I am going to be taken down. Are you going to dunk on me? You're at my wedding. Yeah.

Scott! I'm surprised to know you still keep up with memes. Scott, of course I do. I love memes, or memes as they are more correctly pronounced. Take that. So. Too slow. Too slow, Elliot. Gotta go. Gotta go, Elliot. So, in order to bring the stage production to the cinema, what they have done is

is they have come up with this technology. It's a computer, and it generates an image. And the idea is that it will take actual— You're talking about CGI? Is that a computer-generated image, CGI? Oh, I say that's a time saver. Yeah, it is, yeah. Ever since Terminator 2, the Judgment Day, I believe it was— That's a time adder. Yeah.

I believe they created it for that movie or the Michael Jackson, oh boy, let's not talk about him, black and white video. Will you see my new production, Time Adder? It's about a snake who controls time. I might. I might. How long is the show? It's approximately three hours, nowhere to be found. Oh dear. It's a real Avengers Endgame.

Pee before you walk in there, otherwise you might miss Thanos snap. It's very important that that film be three hours because these things actually happened. I'm assuming. I don't know that it's a historical document of actual events. I just assumed with a running time of three hours, there was nothing they could cut from the story because the story all happened. Well, there's a lot of characters they got to meet. I haven't seen it yet. It's out by now. Howard the Duck.

He, well, he was at the end of Guardians of the Galaxy, so maybe he gets in there. Why didn't they show him turning into Pepper when everyone else did at the end of that one? Did you say turning into Pepper? Yes, everyone looked like they turned into Pepper. I don't know that it's Pepper. I thought they were like sort of ashes that were blowing away. Is that what you thought? It is what I thought. Well, you're incorrect.

It was Pepper. You think, like the opposite of Lot's wife, everyone just turned into Pepper? Exactly. I assumed it was a biblical illusion. And also, tip of the hat to Marco Polo. I think there would be confusion with Pepper Potts, you know? I mean, she'd be like, hey, why didn't it happen to me? How many people are named Pepper? I think three. Including the fictional Pepper Potts? Yes. And then two real people. It would be a fun name to have.

It'd be a fun name to give. Better to give than to receive. Okay, thank you. I will be known as Pepper. All right. So, computer-generated images. Yes. They're going to take the actuals, computorily shrink them down to the size of cats. So when you see them on the screen, you're seeing the world through the eyes of cats.

everything will be sized as to a cat's perspective. I see. So all the actors will be approximately two feet high and we'll see them, you know, next to a garbage can, which is twice as big as them with fish bones in it and all that. Oh, you've got it, Pepper. Those garbage cans will be overflowing with fish bones. I hope so. Everywhere you look.

rubbish bins piled high with the skeletons of fish. Will other famous cats be in this movie? I think if you have a movie called Cats, it can't just be about your cats. Like, it's all cats, right? Heathcliff. This was not my wish, but I acceded to the producer's demand that famous cats shall be seen in cameos.

Much like Stan Lee. So just one of the cats will be on the train and then they'll look to their left and Garfield will be there. Every cat. There'll be many famous cats. Anytime you see a cat reading a newspaper, don't blink because that cat will lower the newspaper. Show their famous. And say something like, he really tugged my rub, Tom.

And it'll be Morris from the Nine Lives cat food commercial. We got Morris, we got Garfield, we got Heathcliff. Try and think of other famous cats. Do you understand? I saw recently on Twitter...

Someone had discovered Morris the Cat after many years. Had discovered him? Well, this was a younger person who had no idea that Morris ever existed and found a calendar devoted to Morris the Cat. Right. People need to understand, he was hugely famous. Wasn't he? He was the cat that chased the covered wagon? No, that was a dog. That was a dog. Which dog? What am I thinking of?

You're thinking of the dog that chased the covered wagon. But what was the company? Purina? It was. That's how effective advertising is. We cannot remember. And those were everywhere. Obviously, I was an adult when those commercials happened. But as certain people were children, I know they were fascinated by the tiny covered wagon. The tiny covered wagon. Running through the kitchen. I remember the colors, the red and white checkered. But I don't remember what it was selling.

It was, was it Gainesburgers? I remember there was a brand. I don't recall. A brand, branded the dog food. I thought you meant branded the dog. That would be a terrible end of that commercial. No, no, no. The dog was very much in control. Morris the Cat was about nine lives, right? Cat food. He was a finicky cat. That's right. He didn't like- Oh, I wish I'd written him into the musical. Oh, what?

I'm Morris the cat, and here's what I'll say. I'm finicky, and I don't care what you say. If you give me cat food that I don't like, I'm going to make your life miserable forever.

First rhyme that came to mind, unacceptable. Let me think. Like? Nope. Don't think about it. Okay. All right. Will not. Don't think on it at all. What an incredible movie this is. The three famous cats, Morris, Heathcliff, and Garfield. And I can think of no other famous cats. Top Cat. Top Cat. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I guess there would be some cartoon. Is Tom or Jerry a cat? The two racist Chinese cats from Lady and the Tramp. Could be in there. Is Tom a cat? Tom is a cat. Tom is a cat. Jerry is a mouse. That's right. Yes. So he's in there. Yes. Wow. They're all in there. What a movie this is going to be. The cat from Apt Pupil. Wow. What about the cat from Outer Space?

The cat from outer space has returned to his home dimension. Oh, you couldn't get him? He was unavailable. Oh, terrible. I'm very pleased for him, of course, that he gets to see his family once again, but a loss for us. Sad news. Sad news. Too sad. Elliot.

Terrible stuff. Terrible stuff, Elliot. Terrible stuff, Elliot. Oh, you beat me to it. Damn it. So this is incredible technology, and this movie sounds like a winner, a dynamite, but it still hasn't answered the question of why you are incredibly small. They wrote, I thought it would be a lark to see myself shrunken down to cat's eyes. Unfortunately, the technology is too good.

This is the technology they're using for the movie? Is what happened to you? They're not just making the actors appear smaller to save money on sets. So they wouldn't have to build giant sets? They're not going to use sets at all. Oh, wow. They're going to film it out in the wild. And they're not going to CGI anyone. Well, they're going to... It's computer-generated technology.

Infantilizing? Infantilizing, yes. Wow, so they actually are shrinking all of the actors. Well, not now. They just did it to me. Just as a test? Then they realized it was a mistake. I volunteered to be the first. I wanted to see what I would look like as a little kitty cat. Did they ever say that they had the technology to put you back to your normal size? They haven't said. And believe me, I've asked.

They haven't returned these emails? They have not. I should call them. I've been doing all of this via email. First do an email, then do a text, and then actually leave a message, and we'll see. Oh, when they get that message. Because the text is next. And the text is, I don't know if you got my emails, but am I stuck at Cat's Eyes forever? David of the dentist? Yes. And so there I will call them and say, what's up?

I saw my red receipts. I know that you read my text. You can say my emails went to spam. You can say my emails went to spam. Oh my gosh, he's writing a musical right in front of us. But I'll know that's just a piece of ham. How dare you refuse my text? What's next? My hand around your necks.

Threatening them with murder. I mean, that's a way to raise the stakes in a theatrical production. It's a massage. Ah, I see. It's a neck massage. Neck massage, of course.

Yes. Well, I guess that explains why you're this tall. No further questions? That's the only thing you wanted to know. Well, look, I always want to know every single thing about you. I mean, I assume that you'll be going to the premiere this size. Oh, I hope not. That's Yarsway. Do you understand I'm sleeping in my own top hat?

Why don't you sleep in your own house in the bed? It's just it'll be bigger than the bed's too big now. It's terrifying. What's the biggest bed you've ever slept in? California King. What if it were a little bit bigger? You'd be you'd be terrified. I guess I guess it would be like an alien wasteland of just, you know, all wasteland. T.S. Eliot. Did he write Wasteland? Wow. Certainly did. Incredible. Did he write Westworld?

Why are you asking that? Well, I'm just throwing out things that he may have written. I have no idea who wrote Westworld. He did not. Okay. It was Michael Crichton. Oh, good. Okay, great. Oh, good. Great. Good for him. Oh, good. I'm so glad Michael Crichton wrote Westworld instead of T.S. Eliot. I'm good for him. Good for him. He got to it first. Great. The most eloquent giant. Michael Crichton probably...

The most literary giant we've ever had on this earth. Is he a giant, really? He was. How tall is he? Rest in peace. How tall was he? 6'9". Wow, that is tall. I wonder how he would ever...

imagine characters shorter than him? Like, in Disclosure? Well, I think that's all he did. He positioned himself above everyone else and said, look at these little people with their little lives. Now Jurassic Park makes sense because he was as tall as a T-Rex. Exactly. And he wanted to see the screams. Ha ha ha ha ha.

He wanted people to live in terror of him. He probably wanted to bite people's heads off, just like those T-Rexes did in the movie. Well, who doesn't? That's true. Haven't you ever... Haven't you ever, Scottrick, if you're honest, Pepper...

Haven't you ever wanted to bite someone's head off literally? I mean, you are looking like a snack right now, I gotta say. Two feet high? I mean, I don't know what the... I don't believe that's what that expression means. I don't know what the rules are. I don't think looking like a snack means... I would like that person's entire being to sustain me between meals. I'm just saying that I think there must be something in the rulebook that they call laws...

Where, you know, if someone is a certain height, you can eat them. I know this. I am allowed to play baseball. Good. Yes. There's nothing in the rule. Nothing in the rule says that you cannot play baseball. However, there is the law of nature that says – no, that's not a good example. The laws of morality. Yeah.

Do not eat me, Scott Rick. Please. I don't know. You look so tasty right now. Do I? I just look like me, only small. I know, but you're sweating almost like you've been over an open flame. Ew. Ew.

Do you have a certain rosy color to you? That's what you love is hot, is just wet meat. Piping hot, wet meat. Piping hot. Piping hot, wet meat. Wouldn't that be a treat if I could see you on Earth spit?

I'm really fascinated what plot you're going to use to weave all of these songs that you've been writing together. Well, I mean, you're already with Cavs, right? That's true. Plot not necessary. Well, Andrew Lloyd Webber, or Lord Webber, if I may be so bold. You should be. This is a terrible situation for you, and I'm sorry it happened to you. And I sincerely hope that the next time I see you, you won't be looking so tasty. You'll be full grown, and I'll say, eh, too much. I suppose I hope that as well.

And I definitely will not eat you right now because we're old friends. You've been on the show for as long as we've been doing it. You've been on the show. We've been the best of frenemies. You can't eat me now. I am very, very hungry today, but I will abstain. Yes, eat something not alive. As a favor to the queen. Oh, the queen.

I just remember the Queen's corgis. What's wrong with the Queen's corgis? What if they see me in this state? They won't know me as a friend. They'll think that you're a cat. I don't know what they'll think I am, but they will think that I'm smaller than they are. Right. They'll chase you around. They will chase me around. Maybe they're plaything. They're vicious plaything. They'll bat you around like a cat bats yarn around. They'll bite into me and then shake their little fat heads. Oh, no. You have to stay away from the Queen, then. I'm...

I do so love the queen. I know you do. She is my sovereign. I need to see the queen. Be careful then. Ask her to lock up her corgis before you get there. She'll never do it.

Those corkies run the show. Really? Perhaps a wizard, the court's wizard, would turn me back into a mannequin. This is a good plan. I didn't know the court had a wizard. I guess they've had one ever since Merlin days. Of course they have. Oh, okay. Well, then this is the way to go. That's why you here in America, why don't you have a wizard? I don't know. I mean, turn not to science, turn to magic instead. Turn not to science, turn to magic instead. If you'd like to have a...

Silly old giraffe on your head. And you're tired of sleeping in that big head. Turn your thoughts to science instead. This is good. I want a writing credit on this. You'll get one for the wah-wah. Has this been good? This has been a good visit. I appreciate you dropping by. It wouldn't be a 10th anniversary special without Andrew Lloyd Webber dropping by. 10th anniversary of what?

Oh, did you not know it's the 10th anniversary of this podcast? That can't be so. Because it's too long or too short? Too long, obviously. No, I... 10 years. The show was in its infancy the first time you dropped by. And it's still going. Still chugging away like that roller skate train. Why? I, look...

I don't have the answer to that, really. It's one of those unknowable questions. I feel terrible. I haven't brought you a gift of any kind. I will say congratulations to you. Give me just a little bite off, maybe one of your fingies. My fingies? I need them. For what? Composing? If I hold a teacup, where does the pinky go? How about one of those toesies? No, I don't want to lose my balance. Yes.

Then I don't know what I could eat off you. Maybe a bit of the shoulder? All right. Oh, it hurts. You broke the skin. Those nooks. Those crannies. I've got to get out of here. It's too much. I need more. Thank you, Andrew Lloyd Webber. I'm running away as fast as I can. You can't catch me. I'm Andrew Lloyd Webber, man. Ah, Andrew Lloyd Webber. One of our oldest, oldest friends. Him and his topping hats. Oh, yeah.

So good to see him. He's been around since the very beginning. And wow. I mean, this is a blast from the past. A true blasting from the pasting. Wow. And I think that... Happy birthday to you. Wait a minute. Who's this?

Happy birthday to you. I know the sound of that voice. Happy birthday to Scott, my legitimate son. Uh-oh. Oh, I know who this is. Happy birthday.

Hello, Scott. Bob Duca. How are you? I'm great. It's not my birthday, but... Well, in a sense it is, because I understand that your radio program is 10 years old. It's not a radio program anymore. It was when you first came on it. I just want to get right off the bat. I will never understand the difference between radio and podcast, so I want you to save your time. Okay, thank you.

But, Scott, I thought this was a wonderful opportunity for us to reconnect. I have not seen you in quite a bit of time. Many, many, many, many months. Many moons, as they say. Yes, yes. Have passed overhead. That's right. And for those people who don't know, I was married to your beautiful, beautiful mother for a brief period of time. A brief period of time. A matter of months, as I recall. Six profound months. And...

It was later in your life. You were already a beautiful, fully grown man. I think I was in my 30s, as I recall. You were in your 30s, but you'll always be my little boy. However, I never got to spend time with you when you were a 10-year-old boy. So I thought, what better opportunity now that your video cast is 10 years old. Podcast, sure, yeah. I don't understand that I could use this as an opportunity to make some of the connections that fathers and sons do.

When the young boy is 10. So I, from what I'm understanding, you're using my podcast birthday of 10 to now try to interact with me, me personally as a 10 year old. You are a sharp little tool in the shed, my boy. Not so little, maybe not so sharp. You are just adorable. What were you doing earlier today, you rascal, catching bullfrogs?

I was out there trying to make some dandelion wine. Yeah, there you go. Putting some pennies on train tracks. Sure. Watch out for that hobo jungle. Bob, for those of you who don't remember you, you're one of our earliest guests. You are a man of certain maladies, and you are currently wearing a neck brace, several arm guards. Yes.

what looks to be a makeshift cast or two. It is makeshift. Yes, yes. I'm a traditionalist. I like plaster casts. I don't like these plastic things, these newfangled. I go for analog casts, but I refuse to cover it up when I go in the shower. So my casts will disintegrate, and what I do is use chewed-up newspaper to create a binding adhesive. So that's what you're saying. Sort of a papier-mâché effect. A papier-mâché. You look akin to a piñata.

Thank you. Not a compliment, but... That's how I'll take it. Okay, great. Life is a matter of perspective. So how do you want to celebrate me as a 10-year-old? How do you plan on doing this? Well, some of the things that we never got to do during your formative years, especially your 10th year, why don't we play a game of catch? Oh, sure. Do you have some sort of a ball? I have a ball right here. You ready? Yeah, okay. Here we go. Yeah.

Oh, God, the arm on you is not strong at all. Not very strong. And you weren't using your right arm for some reason. Are you a southpaw? No, no, no, but I do have ball dyslexia, so yeah. Okay, let me throw it back, okay? I'm going to try not to do it too hard, but, you know, I was, maybe you don't know this about me, I played triple-A ball, so I'm going to try not to throw it too hard, if that's okay. Okay.

Ow. Okay. Try this again. Yeah, you were able to dribble it approximately six inches. Let me try it with my other hand here. Okay, here we go.

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. No wonder you have bald dyslexia. I'm sorry. Hold on. You know what I think the problem is? I can't properly throw with this brace on. Let me just get this. It's been a while since I've taken... Oh, sorry. Those are wristnets.

They thrive on moisture. They all tried to get into my mouth. Oh, boy. Oh, you know what? It's a good source of protein. Don't worry about it. You can just open your mouth like a whale and eat it like krill. You know what? Why don't we leave that for a little bit? I feel satisfied that we've gotten a place to catch. Yeah, one back and forth apiece. This is one of the many ways that fathers and sons bond. Yeah.

You're 10 years old. You're starting to notice that things are happening with your body. You're noticing some changes. Not much happened to me at 10 years old, as I recall. Well, if you're like me, you had a foul thicket of Brillo-like, Brillo pad-like hair. I don't know how many people are actually like you, Bob. I think you're very unique. You are one of a kind as well. But you're probably wondering how the bees and the birds work. Birds and the bees. Sure. Here we go. I just wanted to let you know. So...

When a man likes a woman, he asks her out to dinner for a strip mall Indian food buffet. They split a bottle of warm white wine, and if all goes well, one thing leads to another, and he places a penis pump onto his...

penis. Now, when the pump can be run by hand or by batteries, you place it over the penis, you pump air out of the cylinder so that a vacuum is created, okay? Now, the vacuum draws blood into the shaft of the penis, which causes it to swell and become erect. Don't be shy! Come on! This happens to everybody. This is just how nature works. Now, once that penis is erect, with the help of lubricant, you painfully slide the retaining band down into the lower end of the penis,

And then you remove the pump after releasing the vacuum, and at which point you have a limited time to shove that fraudulent erection, this nature-defying phallus, into the hopefully moist enough postmenopausal yoni of the recipient, much like I did to your mother. Postmenopausal? I don't know if that's relatable to every 10-year-old child, the postmenopausal part. This is just how things work, my boy. Okay. Okay.

You know what? I feel like you're not really understanding what I'm saying. I've never necessarily needed the pump action at this point. You will. Okay. How early did that come for you? 17. 17?

And you had no interest in sex before that? Oh, I did. Yes. Yes. I was a furious masturbator. You were mad that you were doing it or you did it furiously? Both. Oh, okay. I was raised Catholic, so I just hated every second of it. What are you now? I don't think we've ever talked about religion. I'm an agnostic pagan. I don't know how that works. Well, I mean, it's an ever-evolving thing. I'm a very spiritual person, as you'll see, actually. I have a...

One of the things I've been working on since I last saw you is you probably know that I've read the book jackets of well over a thousand self-help books. I thought you actually broke open those books and read something that was on some of the pages. They usually chase me out of the bookstore before I can get to the actual books, but

I've retained a lot of this information. I've applied it to my life. And not only that, but after 60 some years on this planet, I've acquired a lot of knowledge that I feel excited about passing on to other people. So I've been working on a book.

You are writing a book title. Yes, and then once I figure out a title, then I'll write the book. I guess that's a good thing to kind of think about what you're going to talk about before you actually start writing. Absolutely, absolutely. You know, if you're building a house, you start with the paint job, and then you build the foundation. That's how it works. Okay. So...

You know, maybe the game of catch didn't go quite the way I wanted to. Maybe the sex talk was a little overwhelming for you, though it will be extremely applicable to you in just a matter before you even know it. I'm definitely going to save this podcast for later. Great. But I just thought I would read off to you a list of the potential books that

That I will write. These are autobiographical and self-help in nature. These are titles that you've brainstormed? Mm-hmm. And you're trying to ascertain which one you're going to use? Yes. Okay, great. So this is a, oh, okay, this is a list. Yeah, I wrote it on various scraps of paper and bits of my cast. Some of it's pretty soggy. Yeah, okay. Hopefully it's readable. Okay, I think I can work with this. All right, this is Bob Duca's list of potential book titles. Please.

This is Bob Duca's list of potential book titles. There's Something Dead in This Shed, My Journey in Alternative Living Spaces. This Cat Has Bedbugs, Stories from My Time as a Medical Experiment Participant. Darkness Visible, A Memoir of Madness. Oh, never mind. I just blinked and forgot to open my eyes. Do you know if this bust goes to anywhere where people hang out? How to Force Friendships in Public Places by Bob Duca.

Is the doctor in? I found something on my back that might make her famous. Sebaceous, ovarian, or epidermoid. What kind of cyst are you? Weird body stuff is physical manifestations of spiritual truths. From boys to menopause. Scar tissue. They call me pudding tits. A heartbreaking work. A boy called shit. I know why the caged bird died. It only hurts when I pee. A funny thing happened on the way to the pharmacy.

If you treat your back knee like a game of connect the dots, you might learn something about yourself. Hickory dickory duka. Nursery rhymes for men in late middle age. Does this mole look cancerous? Conversation starters for shy people. You'll never eat lunch in this YMCA sauna again. If you need me, I'll be crying in the self-help section of Barnes and Noble. If you smell a fart in an elevator, it was probably me. And it probably wasn't a fart.

If I'm not your father, why do I send you birthday cards dedicated to Scott Ackerman by his real father, Babduke? Nice to have a dedication right in the title. I had to pay extra for that font. Game of Thrones. It turns out it is just about dragons. Himpansi. My take on the male of the species. Overcoming anger for once and for fucking all. God damn it! Whose cell phone is going off? This is a fucking library! By Babduke.

You call it a flop house, I call it a gentleman's hotel. Positive spins on the places you live. If God didn't want you to eat boogers, why did he put salt on them? It was broken when I got here. The story of my body. My pants have a lot of pleats because I was born with too many balls. By Bob Duca. The world according to fart. The light at the end of the carpal tunnel syndrome. How to meet new people even though it hurts to shake hands. When life gives you ailments, make ailmentshipcookies.com.

Are you there, God? It's me, Bob. Bob Duca. Duca. D-U-C-C-A. Yes, I'll hold.

By Bob Duca, of course. I love how a few of these are by Bob Duca. Yes, yes. I haven't decided. Some of them might be titled anonymous because spiritually that seems more profound. I see. It seems more exciting. I see. Like that little boy that died and talked about seeing heaven. I think that was anonymous because they're afraid of Christian pedophiles chasing him down or something. From shirt jerky to mouse milk, alternative foods for the budget-minded.

How to buy friends and force people at coffee shops to talk to you for a long time because you won't pay your bill till you finish telling a story about how soy milk gives you white diarrhea. For sad boys who have considered suicide when rainbow sherbet gives you an ice cream headache. I always know my way home because I leave a trail of elbow dander wherever I go. A guide to love and accept the body you were cursed with. The magic of big thinking. The science of setting a low bar. The power of later.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Dare yourself to take another nap. The four-hour work month. Chicken soup for the soul. Bermuda clam chowder for the ego. Awaken the giant tumor within. Girl, wash your face. Boy, get rid of that mason jar full of toenail clippings. The secretion. The year of mesh. Or, I was a litigant in a pelvic mesh class action lawsuit, and it took a year by Babduka.

Bye-bye, Duke.

How to avoid late-term inner child abortion and adopt a kinder relationship with the little scamp in you. And finally, how to stay body positive even though you don't so much have a skeleton wrapped in skin as you do a bunch of loose chopsticks stuffed into a thrift store sleeping bag.

Bye, Bob. Bye, Bob. Great. Wow, that's so many to choose from. Yes. I think you might have more than one book in you. Do you really think so? I think if you can expand on any of those ideas. Let's get together and brainstorm. Oh, I don't know. I can come over. It sounds like you've done the majority of the brainstorming. You just simply need to get these ideas on paper. Well, you know how hard making decisions is for me. Or paper mache. Right. Right.

Mache. Mache, sorry. I can't tell you how incredibly proud I am of you. Bob, thank you so much. It means the world to me that you showed up on such a special occasion for me. Yes, it was, you know, I came here from great peril. Where's great peril? Great peril? It's near the Spearmint Rhino.

Over by that mall, that Egyptian-themed mall. Oh, is that what they're calling that neighborhood now? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Is that just because you started living there? Yeah, yeah. Somehow, in my late middle age, I secrete a hormone that attracts feral dogs, so there's been a problem there.

Well, Bob, thank you so much for making the time. It's like a dark Wes Anderson film over there. All the dogs chasing me. Oh, my gosh. Thank you. Thank you for making the time and the journey as well. Absolutely. How did you get here? Did you walk the entire way? I took a couple of buses, and then I walked. And then, yes. Yes.

So you took a couple of buses and then you walked in. Yes. Yes. That's it. Okay. Well, Bob, thank you so much for being here. Actually, I did take, I did take, have you heard about the bird scooters? Yeah. Oh, I've seen those. Yeah. They're just lying around everywhere now. A friend of mine is starting a program like that, but it's for coffee can stilts. So that's how I made a big part of my way over here.

Which friend is this? That's my friend Odell. Odell. What is his last name or first name? Odell Cigarette. Yes. Yes. So if you see those, he's not hooked up to the internet yet. So you just leave cash on the ground. You take them.

And hopefully at some point he picks up the cash. He'll come for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good. This is a good business plan. It's a great business plan. Yes. Bob, thank you so much. Thank you. Please don't make it so long before the next time you come back. I will hang out with you any time you even start to think about it. I don't necessarily mean that, but I... I will never leave your side again. I think let's split the difference and err on the side of never coming back. All right. But, Bob, I love you too. Oh, my God.

I have waited so long to hear that. Don't say another word. I want those to be the last words that I hear from you until I see you seconds from now. Okay. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Oh, he's still here. The door is over there. If you thank God he's gone. Oh, we need to soundproof this better.

Bye, Bob. Bye. Okay, look. We need to take a break. We are just a little bit of the ways through our 10-hour show. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. More of your favorite guests. We'll be right back after this. This podcast is brought to you by Thomas' English Muffins. They want to know what my ideal morning would look like if anything were possible. Well, if anything were possible...

I would probably get this. I would wake up in the morning next to a beautiful, beautiful woman whose name is Kulap Vilaysak, my wife. And I am so glad that every morning that is possible and probable for me. So check. Thank you, Thomas's. And we would, you know, make breakfast together, which, of course, would include the Thomas's English muffin menu.

Probably the whole wheat Thomas's because they offer that option, which is great. Going to have to put a little peanut buds on that little peanut butter. Chunky style as I like it. Oh, man, this is making me hungry as I say it. Probably catch up on the news in the morning. Maybe, you know, put on a little Spotify. Probably. Look, I'm not going to lie. I'm going to take a shower at some point.

uh, before I leave the house because that is how I roll nice and clean. Um, take the dogs out twice before I leave, uh, before feeding them and after feeding them because, uh, you know what dogs like to do. I don't know why I'm talking about that, but when I could be talking about and focusing on the Thomas's English muffin, those nooks, I could talk about those nooks for 10 hours alone, but those crannies,

All those crannies. You know I'm all about the crannies. Wow. Thomas's English muffin. I hope that you wake up to what's possible. Comedy Bang Bang, welcome back. And wow, what a show already. I mean, we're just...

a fraction of the way through the show. And already we, we've had three of our favorite guests. And I wonder who else could be coming through that door next. I, uh,

Who's this? Hi, Scott. It's me, Jon Hamm. Oh, my gosh. Jonathan Hammathon. That's me. Hamilton. Hamilton. Is Hamilton about you? It's a musical based on the story of my life told through Alexander Hamilton's life. Oh, I see. I wondered why they had that extra M in Hamilton. Yeah, Hamilton. Right. That's actually how you pronounce it, Hamilton. Hamilton. And you have to rub your stomach while you do it. Hamilton.

That was the original review. Ben Brantley's original review was... Molten. Molten. Molten.

How are you, John? I'm good. Happy anniversary. Thank you so much. One of our oldest friends on the show. You did one of the earliest episodes and you've been on so many times. I remember when you were on Terrestrial Radio. That is right. That's how the show started. And you came into the old radio station. Indie 103. That's right. And you've been a great friend of the show, let alone the podcast. I thought I would come by just to help you celebrate. That's great. So what are we going to do? A lot of the characters that I'm known for on the show.

This show does not have characters. I don't know what you're talking about. Mostly that's what I'm known for. I come on and I do a lot of characters. I believe you did do Chupacabra's brother. Chupacabra's brother, Chupacabro. Chupacabro.

Which was literally just me stealing Kroll's bit. Right. Yes. And you've been on the television show. And when I say that, I mean the Comedy Bang Bang television show because everyone knows that you've been on other television shows. Kimmy Schmidt, not a television show. No. A Netflix offering. No.

A piece of content. A streaming, streamable content. I love content now. Do you like starring in content? So much content. We sling so much content out there. Content to contend with. Content. It should be contend. Content. I'm content with all this content. That I have to contend with. We should just call it content. There's a continence worth content.

of content that I'm content to contend with. And it makes me incontent-nent. Incompetent. Yes, I am incompetent not to be on content at this point. You have to be incompetent not to love all the content, all the sweet, sweet content that Jon Hamm... Sometimes I watch so much content, I will get incontinent.

That's right. And I have a mess to clean up. That's true. What do you do when you're incontinent, by the way? Well, you wear a diaper. Yeah, are we selling diapers? Do we have a diaper sponsorship yet with this show? Yeah. Sure. Do you mind reading this copy? I guess we have a diaper sponsorship here. Hi, I'm Jon Hamm for Depends Adult Undergarments. When do you wear Depends? Depends. That's the whole point. How are you feeling? Well, Depends.

You got to like a loose splatter. Then I'd throw Depends on. That's Prime Depends. Prime Depends time.

Uh, yeah. That's great. Thank you so much for reading that. I appreciate it. It was very short, but, uh, I noticed you didn't, you didn't do the personal, uh, endorsement story where I, where you talk about how you wear depends the first time I, the first time I needed, it depends. Uh, and that is the proper way to refer to them in the plural. Even if you're talking about one, one depend, you do not say one depends. Oh, interesting. One depends on when one needs depends.

What was the first time that you ever needed one? I found out I was in the deep end. Oh, how did you find out? Well, all of a sudden, I realized I was in the deep end. I needed to depend. Mm-hmm.

And so the good news was box of them right there. If you're having a pool party. The weird thing is it's part of the Emmy gift bag is a box of Depends. If you're having a pool party, I think it's great to have just like a dispenser. You know what I mean? Like I'm in the pool. Hey, I think I need a Depends. Because first of all, peeing in the pool, not cool. Yeah.

You know, I used to see those signs up at people's pool of like, you know, welcome to our ool, of course. There is no pee in our pool. Or we don't swim in your toilet, so why do you pee in our pool? But yours is better. Peeing in our pool, not cool. I would love to, can we make some of these a swag of just your face smiling with that as a quote? Absolutely. Okay, great. Peeing in the pool, not cool. Cool.

But I do like the idea of a depends dispenser. A dispenser? Something like that, where you're just like, oh man, I'm going to need three of these. And then you're ready. Also, by the way, better than a towel. Throw one of those on, it just wicks it away. Exactly. Why is everyone using towels these days? I'll say this, fashionable.

They do look good. Have you seen the new styles of Depends? They're slimmer. They are. Yes, they have a nice slim cut on them. They have a nice slim cut, a European cut, I think I would say. Because they hired, this is very interesting. I know his name has been in the news a lot. Massimo Giannulli. Oh, yes. The husband of Lori Loughlin. Lori Loughlin, yeah, of course. Is a designer. He is responsible for the new- He did the new Depends, really? The new Depends, look. Was it-

Due to the fact that when he saw the indictment, he shit his pants and he was like, I should get involved in this. I think it was pre that. But fortunately, again, he had the gift box right there. He had to throw that on when the when the when the feds come and knock on when they serve the subpoena to him. There's another. Hold on.

Hold on. Let me just throw these on. I think if anyone knocks on your door, you should throw Depends on. Just in case. Just in case. Because it depends on who it is at your door. You don't know if you're going to shake your pants. You said it right there. It depends. Right there. Right there.

They're going to be thrilled with this endorsement, by the way. By the way, this is still all I'm reading off of the copy. Yeah, this is a long, long act. It's much longer than it looked. It's scripted between you and me. It's very odd. But we're so good at playing it, it just seems off the cuff. It seems very, very natural. Yeah, yeah. John, you are, of course, one of America's great, what am I trying to say, actors? Sure. And, you know, you were on the Maddest of Men show, where...

where everyone was, it was like a contest between you guys of like, how angry can we get? That was part of it. That's how it started, right? It was going to be a game show. It was going to be a game show. You took all of the people's blood pressure. And it was like, whoever's maddest wins.

And then all of a sudden, weirdly, like they just, they found this narrative. They were like, what if it was more about, instead of a competition, like a reality show, what if it was a little more scripted? Yeah. So it was a hybrid show for a while. For a while. And then once they kind of like gave into it, they were like, you know what? You know what? This is the most interesting part of it. Let's just keep this and then we'll get rid of the rest. By the way, that's the creative process. That is the process. But all that stuff on the cutting room floor.

John we could we could we could do a whole eight more seasons I would love to visit the cutting room floor one day it's filthy it really is it's filthy the filthiest place in Hollywood so much stuff just pick it up pick it up pick up the floor no one says it has to be it says stay there no it's called the cutting room floor for a reason yes it has to go on the floor sure yes but pick it up pick it up

It's infuriating. It almost makes me want to cancel out all of the Emmys that you won for that show. Just all of the one? All of the one. And it was almost like, oh, shit. This is the last season. We got to give this guy one. Isn't Cranston nominated? All right. He's not fine here. Oh, finally, Cranston.

You and Cranston. Cranny. Cranny. All those nooks and crannies. What if he teamed up with someone like John Nook and they came out with a show, Nooks and Crannies. Nooks and Crannies. On CBS. I mean, talk about content. Talk.

content. I mean, solving crimes. Solving crimes. It's like Rizzoli had aisles. Granny's got nook. Yeah, of course. I mean, and they wouldn't even have to solve crimes sometimes. They could just like... I think I got road trip. Solve the crimes of the heart. Sure. Sometimes. Talk about, you know, who did you wrong, Nook? Do a big sideways type road trip. Absolutely. Exactly. I would watch that. But with white wine. Yes, exactly. White wine doesn't get its due. I would watch the literal shit out of that.

Wouldn't you? You would watch that until it had no more shit in it? No more shit. Until it was just spent. Just shit free. Right there in the Depends. Right. Just filled up. Depends full of nooks and crannies. Those new Depends, by the way, with the little gauge on it of like how full. Yeah. Those are. Genius. Very, very helpful. Genius. Yes. So all of that, this is still the copy of. We're still reading. It was weird how it went off on a Brian Cranston tangent. On a tangent about Mad Men and stuff. But this is, look, Depends.

They're expert marketers. They know what's up. They know what's up. By the way, that's the tagline. We're done reading it. It's like, they know what's up. And that is the end of the advertisement.

It is weird that the advertisement is still continuing, but it's also still continuing. It's strange that this is still part of it. They do a fake end. That's so strange. It's almost like, you know, a Marvel movie where there's something at the end. The really weird thing is that the whole 10th anniversary 10 hour podcast is really just an advertisement. Just an advertisement for Depends. If we don't land this Depends account, by the way, I know this is all on spec. Oh. And you have a lot of experience in the Mad Men thing about like. Yeah. Or we're going to get bought by, you know, McDonald's.

McCowan and Rogers. Yeah, exactly. Do you even remember any of the details of the show that you were on? I remember some, but it was a long time. Let me test you. All right, go. What was the name of your character? David Don Dick Whitman Draper. Okay, great. I think that might be right. I have no idea. Some of them are. What is the name of the company you worked for in episode one? Depends. Yes, exactly.

And what is, who, what were the names of your children?

Gene was the youngest. Gene. Mean Gene. Mean Gene. Tiny Gene. Tiny, tiny Gene. Billy Gene. His full name, William Gene. William Gene. Named after his maternal grandfather. Okay. Then there was Bobby. Bobby. The middle child. The middle child, Bobby. Famously played by, I think, over the course of the show, six different actors. Six different actors. Really? Why is that? We had a lot of Bobbies. Because they would have aged. They kind of grew too fast or too something. Or they got...

hired on other shows. Oh, right. It didn't really work that much. And then the oldest, the apple of Don's eye played by Kiernan Shipka, Sally, Sally. And what, and there were no more children. I can't remember. Um, not that I know of. Depends. Not that I know of. I know of.

Good, good ad. And who's the dude, you know, the dude with the white hair? What was his character's name? Roger Sterling, I think you're talking about, but there were several men with white hair. I need to know the names of them. There's also Bertram Cooper. Yeah, if you have all of the white haired characters, could you just run down the list of all of them and all their character names? There was Roger Sterling. Okay, sure. He's the most famous white hair. Silver Fox. Silver Fox.

Burt Cooper. Burt Cooper. The titular Sterling. There was Sterling Cooper. Two white hairs running the show. Two white hairs in one company. Yeah. Weird. I think they would like battle it out. Who can who's the whitest of them all? Do you think that you will remember these details about the show until the day you die? Or do you think at some point they will just slip away from you? I remember doing some like for some.

They had like a trivia contest about the show and I did really well. Because that doesn't happen a lot of times. Like if you were to ask me any comedy bang bang trivia, I would not. In fact, I was looking at a script the other day for a sketch that I knew we wrote for the show. And I was like, this is pretty funny. Did we ever do it? And I had to read. It was five pages on page four. I said, oh, I remember filming this scene.

But I remember saying to you at some point, talking about something over the course of the show, the TV show, and you were like, oh yeah, that was the second season or whatever. Oh yeah, there are certain things that I know because they were like,

We put them into certain episodes, like season one, episode 10 was the green screen episode because it was the finale. Like, I know certain things about that, but I could not even tell you. I'm kind of the same way with with the Mad Men stuff. Like, I have a pretty good recall of of most of the general beats of stuff. There's still be ones I'm like, oh, right. I forgot about that one. Right. Because they rerun it kind of out of order.

Really? On like the audience channel on DirecTV. Interesting. Why would they do it out of order? I don't know. Just because they don't... I mean, it's not like it's got a regular time slot or something. So they'll kind of just pop in and out. They'll just pop in and it's like, hey, if you like Mad Men, just watch one episode. There was one on last night that I caught up like 10 minutes of because I was like, wow, I haven't seen that one in a long time. But it was from season one or two. I can't remember.

Two, I think the jet set one where he goes to Palm Springs and kind of. Of course. And I was like, I remembered shooting it because we shot in this beautiful mid-century house that apparently was owned by Frank Sinatra a long time ago. In Palm Springs? In Chatsworth, believe it or not. I believe I may have been to that house. It's really, it's the really beautiful, like classic mid-century. Right, right.

And there was like a whole pool scene and all this stuff. And I remember it being like a couple of really long days featuring, there was a big dinner scene outside and we're all shooting with all these like fancy guest stars and, and,

A giant tarantula crawled across somebody's foot. Whoa. How did they know? Were they looking at their foot? They felt like a thing on their foot looked down. A tarantula could be crawling across my foot right now, and I would not know. Well, you have shoes on. Well, yeah. They were barefoot. They were barefoot. This is the part of the story. You buried the lead. So here's how you tell the story. You say, you know, Mad Men.

Someone was barefoot during one scene. Right. Okay. And then you go backwards. And then you go, you know, Mad Men is about tarantulas, right? So anyway, when you're barefoot, you got to keep an eye out for them. Anyway, no, the place like freaked out. Everybody literally like jumped on seats. And then we had one guy on the crew who was like,

The weird bug guy who was like, oh, it's fine. He ran over and grabbed it, picked it up, and he like... Do you think it was one of these things where the actor could have gotten superpowers from this spider? I would hope so. That's what I would do if I were... I would just be putting myself out there for spiders to bite me. You know, I was a little bummed that in the Spider-Verse, they didn't have a Don Draper Spider-Man.

That's so weird. Isn't it strange? Draperman. Draperman. Come on. Some, you know. Well, I've already established that Mad Men is about tarantulas. Yes. It's so weird that they're, you know, just, and you would have played it, right? Absolutely. I mean, you're not so high and mighty that you're like turning down calls. I don't get high on my own supply. Of course not. By the way, did you bring your own supply? I did, and I'll give it to you so you can get high. Okay, great. Thank you. So I love getting high. You know that about me.

On someone else's supply. Don, I mean, John, we're talking about Mad Men so much. I just want to call you Don because that was your name other than Dick. You had Don and Dick. Born Dick Whitman. Born Dick. Went to Korea. These are spoiler alerts, by the way. If you haven't seen the show. If you haven't seen the show. Stop listening. The main character has been to Korea. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry that we said that. But yes, people go to Korea. And not North Korea. So get it right. Yes. The regular Korea. Yes.

Korea Prime. Korea Classic. Goes to Korea. Comes back. Don Draper. It's so crazy how that happened. We called it in the business, we called it the old switcheroo. That's right. I love, okay, anytime that I'm there in a script meeting, I'm always saying like,

When are we doing the old switcheroo? Time for a switcheroo. You know, can't this character go to Korea and then come back someone else, you know? It always works. Yeah, exactly. Because no one expects the old switcheroo. No one expects the old switcheroo at any point. John, are you working on anything else now? I mean, I know you can't talk about projects that are coming up, but...

give us a taste i can talk about whatever i want yes i have agency this is what i'm talking about so many people come into this this program and say oh i can't talk about the thing that's like six minutes what are you doing scott let me just say i'm doing a little bit of everything fuck right yeah bro that's what i'm saying like i got i got my fingers in a lot of pies

Yeah, exactly. What pies you got in there? A little pie called Top Gun 2 much? Top Gun 2. Boom. Flying around. I'm on the highway. To the... You know where it goes. Directly. It's a highway. First of all, no stopping. No stoplights. Don't worry. Also, we're breaking the speed limit on this highway. No. Because the highway goes...

Where's this highway go? To the danger zone, bro. The danger zone. Right to the DZ. Do you know, can you, let's break some news regarding this project here on the show. Is Kenny Loggins involved? Is he doing a remake or a part two of his song Highway to the Danger Zone? Tell us. I don't know. Fuck! But I'm going to say, because I can say whatever I want, absolutely. Absolutely he is. Will he go to number one as well? Well.

What do you think? I mean, it is number two, Top Gun 2, so it might go to number two. Might go to two, just to be cool. It might go to two. Depends. Wow. Okay, and that is the end of the... Finally. Finally. That is the longest... Might go to two. Depends. That is the longest ad we've ever done on this show, but I appreciate you coming by to help me out with it. First of all, they are going to love it. I know it's on spec. Anyone listening to this show, please... Just wrap it up, send it over...

Tell them it's a 25-minute Depends app. Whatever millennial is in charge of the Depends Twitter account, they're going to want to hear about this. John, I appreciate you coming by to help me celebrate and to help me read this ad. It means the world to me. You know, when you want somebody to read an ad, I'm your go-to guy. You are. Because, I mean, you do it for those Mercurys. What are they? Mercedes-Benz. Mercedes-Benz. The best. Or nothing. I'm going to choose nothing.

Well, that seems like an option. I cannot afford the best. Yes, you can. No, I can't. You're a man of independent means. Sure, but I can't afford a Mercedes-Benz. I guess I just get nothing then. Here's the thing. What, are we going to ride around on a lime scooter? You absolutely can't afford it. What? Yeah. How's this financing? Starting at $32,000, the GLA. What? The best. But how's the... Or nothing. What's the APR? What's the...

You get like a 1.9 APR. What? Total cost $3,600, $279 a month for 36 months with $2,600 due at signing. But how would I write it off on my taxes? The whole tax thing is very, very difficult for me. Look, you drive here to come to work.

I know where you live. You don't live here. No, of course not. You drive here to come to work. Sure. Business expense. But who would help me with these taxes? I don't have a... I got these two guys, Henry and Roger. Okay. The Block Brothers. Right. I call them H&R.

Okay. They go deep into your finances and they'll get you some money back. Wow. So they go deep. They go deep. Depends. Depends. So that is the, now that's the end of the ad. Weird that there's another fake ending for it. They had a couple of fakies. Very strange. And you know what they did in the middle?

The old switcheroo. John, thank you so much for being here. Scott, it's my pleasure. Thank you for having me. Please come back in the next 10 years. At least once. I will promise you I'll be back at least once. At least once. And no more than two times. Okay, yeah. Okay, see you then. Bye! Oh, Jon Hamm! My gosh, the matting man himself.

And I got to tell you, it's so good to see him. He's one of our earliest guests, probably the most famous early guest that we had. I mean, maybe Weird Al Yankovic. Ben Stiller showed up for approximately 45 minutes in those early days. But wow, so good to see him. He's been such a big supporter of the show. And oh, no. Oh, yeah, right. Oh, no. You're thrilled. Thrilled? I just left you at home. You thought you...

I hitched a ride under your car. Wait, no. Indiana Jones style? No, like that fucking monkey from Simpsons. Okay, I don't know. I think our references are very off. Who's on the side of the bus? All right, all right. Somebody knows. I'll take your word for it. Take my word and throw it up your ass. Take my word, please. Take my word. CISO. How do you know what CISO is? You're too young. Because you talk about it in your sleep, begging for it

Okay, this is my nephew, Todd, who lives with me. Who lives with you. He's been on the show several times previous to this. What several? Three or four? Something to that effect. More like a million times. Yeah, I wouldn't say you... I'm always here, and if I'm not here, I'm in the twinkle in your eye. Okay.

Todd, look, I'm trying to do a show here. I don't need interruptions like this. Yes. All I see you doing is shuffling papers, pushing pens back and forth. That's a lot of what I do on this show. It's bullshit. I see you writing questions down for your future guests. What?

What is your name? Good start. What is your name, by the way? Todd, you idiot. That's right. Todd is... Your very own sister named me. Yeah, my sister. This is my sister's boy who, long story, lives with me, made a wish on a... Long story. My parents abandoned me. You adopted me. You won't... Didn't adopt you yet. You won't say it's adoption yet. See? Very informal adoption. Happening. That's a step in the right direction. You've never said yet.

So anyway, that's the long story. Everybody ready? Also, you made a wish on a wishing machine that made you an adult, a grown adult. One time. I wish to be big. Most people don't even do it the one time. Well, I'm special. One time. One time, one time. And then you went back to now your normal age, which is... Middle school. Middle school, and yet you still have a fully grown penis.

My penis stayed big and my body got little. Do a rap. Rap! I'm not going to rap for you at command. Why not? I don't know what rhymes with little. Oh, yeah, you only do rap with an E at the end. Oh, come on, Todd.

Oh yeah, you hate rap. I forgot. Look, you can't make jokes like that. I can't? In this era. What era? The Mr. Met-oo era. The Met-oo era? Yeah. Never heard of it. Yeah. I'm not even allowed to see a hashtag. You won't let me do anything. You stay away from those hashtags, young man. I've clicked a hashtag. Which hashtag did you click? One of your faves. Which one? Big bottom bitch.

Big bottom bit. That's not, I've never clicked. I looked at your Explore. Oh, no. Your Explore page is all big asses. Well, we know what you like. Okay, look, you know, I mean. Well, when you double click, that's what you get. It starts to know what you like. You know it's an algorithm. Oh, you know what an algorithm is? Yeah, from my homework. You want to know what an algorithm is?

Are you doing your homework? I haven't kept up with your studies. I know you haven't, by the way, and I did learn how to forge your signature so I could get out of all my detentions. Are you going to school? I don't, you know, Todd and I don't actually, like, make a lot of eye contact. We keep very different hours. I try to look you in the eye, and your eyes will go anywhere else. It's just, it's hard, it's tough. Because you can't handle the real emotion of family. I, you know, I... It's a lot for you. Admit it. I heard you begging and crying in your sleep. Mommy, mommy, mommy.

Why are you listening to me when I sleep? It's hard not to hear when I'm sharing a bed with you. Well, that's true. I don't want to see you admit it. Put in some earplugs or something. I can't put in earplugs because my ears are closed up. What do you mean they're closed up? What's happening? Do I need to take you to a doctor or something? I semen too much.

Well, you have a full-grown adult penis. I mean... I spermed in my bed, and I got the monkey ear. Oh, no. What is the monkey ear? Well, you spanked the monkey too much, and your ears fell off. Oh, okay. Look. Can't hear a word. Is that what you're shouting? Yeah. Well, you... Am I shouting or am I whispering? Here's me whispering. Here's me shouting.

You slightly elongated the vowels when you shouted. That's about it. It's me whispering. Todd, you have to stop doing that all the time, especially when I'm trying to sleep. I don't care about your precious 15 hours. Look, I need my beauty sleep. What's never going to happen? You're

You're never going to get solid 15. Well, you got to try. I've gotten close. I've gotten 14 and 58 seconds. So now you think people should try to follow their dreams, huh? You really think that. You think you got to try and see what happens. Because whenever I have a dream, you're always telling me it's never going to happen, short stat. I think my sister probably was pretty wise to follow her dream and abandon you. Was that the extent of her dream? No, she's got a much bigger dream that hasn't come true yet. I don't even know what she's doing. You should call her.

She might want to know what I'm up to in school and stuff. You can send her my nude picture. It's really not my responsibility to call her. Send her my nude picture. You do not have a nude picture. Yes, I do. As far as I know. Where did you just take a nude picture, young man? On your Digicam. My Digicam? The one you got from Best Buy for all your secret nudes. You said you didn't want the cloud to know? Look, please don't mess with my Digicam. Those are my nudes. And you have your printer in your bedroom for your...

For your digicam? You gotta print them out if you're gonna pass them out and send them to people. See, okay, everyone out there needs to know that my Uncle Scott made all his nudes into business card-sized photographs. He cuts out with jagged-edge scissors that make it look like a craft project. They're not business

card-sized photographs. They're more like school picture size. Okay, fine. Even more perverted. And then you use those, what are they called? Pinking shears to make the edges all jagged and cute. And then you glue it to a piece of pink construction paper on the back. You say, for a good time, suck. Well, look, you know, I mean... What? You're trying to justify it? Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I can't be sending them around on phones, you know? I mean, that's how things get uploaded to the internet. But here's what you don't know. You got to go to hashtag Aukerman nudes. People have been taking pictures of the picture and putting it on Insta. No, you're kidding me. I swear to jeez. And this hashtag is trending? Yeah, it's not trending. It's just a hashtag. Trending poorly? There's 10 images. It's not a trend.

There's no trend. Look, I want you to stay out of my private room, okay? It's, you know, I lock it for a reason. I don't know how you're getting around the lock. Well, first of all, the problem is you locked me in there. And you've got all those dominatrix costumes made just your size, and the label says just my size in it. What's up with that? What's up with what? I mean, just stay out of my room. I don't need you in there looking at my hobbies. Why do you need a ball gag for when you're just playing online? Okay.

Okay, look. It enhances the experience, all right? This is sick. I shouldn't be hearing this. This is sick. I don't know why you're talking about this stuff. Just stay in our bedroom. Our bedroom? Finally, I get some credit. My bedroom. I do clean it. That you are there. Yeah, and you do a very poor job of it, young man. Well, I need more than one of those fake vacuums that just rolls back and forth with a little roller in it like a little kid uses. You know what? I mean, it's going to take some extra effort.

What, you think I'm not strong enough? I don't think you're strong enough. What have you been doing? I can do push-ups and pull-ups. Okay, do a push-up right now. Drop to the floor and give me 20. Not 20, that's a lot. Okay, one. Okay, how about half? What, you want to go down? I want to go down and then lay. No, I think start down and go up. You're such a horrible guy. All right, here, watch. Eh.

Did it. No, you didn't. Prove it. This is a podcast. For all they know, I just did 100. Why can't you be so nice as to give me a little more credit? You have not been working out. Let me see those arms. They made a noise as the muscle reversed itself. Instead of going up, it went down and made a noise. I know what I'm going to do. What's that? I'm going to get a birthday cake. I'm going to make a wish to get big, big muscles.

As big as your head. You remember what happened last time you made a big wish? Yeah. I got big results. Yeah. For life. Not even needing a dick pill. I don't even need a dick pill. Don't you want to enjoy your adolescence? Not really. I want to skip ahead. Isn't it so much better to be a grown-up? Don't you always love it? Every night, all you scream is, I don't want to be a kid again.

What are my dreams like if I'm supposedly screaming all these various random things that have no tethered connection? And when I say scream, I mean scream, not yell. Wow. What do our upstairs neighbors think? I still can't believe you make me live in an apartment. You know you got more money than that. Yeah, but I have a house that I don't want you around. What?

I have a separate residence. You have another house? Yeah. This is crazy. On our 10-year anniversary, you told me this? That's where my man cave is. What kind of reveal in our marriage? This is not our 10-year anniversary. This is my program's 10-year anniversary. Why'd you give me that ring? I did not give you a ring. Yeah, you did. On the phone. I did. I called you on the phone to tell you to stay out of my office. It's still a ring.

And I don't know why I keep all that stuff in the apartment instead of my man cave at home. Probably because you've got another relationship you're hiding, and you're trying to keep stuff from her or him. Have I told you about Cool Op yet? Who Op? Who Op did what?

Okay, don't worry about her. I'll get to the bottom of this. We have a very fun time at the apartment. At the Apollo. It just sounds like you're going to say that. Showtime at the Apollo is what you... Well, you always make me do showtime at the Apollo and then bring out the cane. Yeah, I bring out the Sandman who sweeps you off the stage. Yeah.

Look, Todd. Who is that guy? He's my friend. I think it's Horatio Sands. Yeah, the Sands man. That's what I said. Oh, I misheard you all these years. Look, Todd, what are you going to do with your life? I don't know. I guess my plans are to graduate middle school, go to high school. How many years is that, by the way? Well, it should be three, but I feel like I'm in a time loop. Yeah, I don't know what's going on with you. I feel like you never get older. I don't feel good.

I feel like ever since I made that big wish, my body doesn't feel right and all my organs are spaced out. And then you came back at the age you're at and maybe you're never going to get bigger. What if? Then you'd have me forever like your little personal Webster. You'd be so glad. Is that what they were doing with Webster? They just wanted to keep him around until he was 80? Probably. Probably.

Or I don't know what else, but there are things like that where people keep them young. Yeah. Like a little pageant kid. Yeah, that's true. But you're, I mean, you're decidedly not a pageant kid. No, but you did make me wear that flipper in my mouth. That's true. Look, Todd, you have to have goals. You have to have a... Name your biggest goal. My biggest goal? I'm just trying to get through to the end of life. I mean, when you're... That's pathetic. You're just trying to get through to the end of life? I'm trying. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I mean, when you're at the age I'm at and 10 years doing a show, you know, at this point I'm just coasting. Yeah, so wait, you started the show when you were 60, which means you were actually thinking big. Some people would have been done at that age. I'm not that old, Todd. You're not? No. How old do you think? You really think I'm that old? Well, counting by the rings in your asshole, you're 70. Okay. Todd, you think you're so funny, don't you? Stop laughing at your own jokes. I'm trying on new laughs.

I don't like it. Have you tried it on any of your friends? I don't have a single one to call my friend. Well, that's why you need to go to school. Your dumb dog that you brought over. Yeah. The dog I brought over that one day. Rocky. I have some bad news about Rocky, too.

Why? What happened? Don't worry about it. I'm going to worry. I know I don't allow you to have a phone. Just don't check Instagram if you ever pick one up. I do go on Instagram.com. That's how I see all the hashtags. You're logged in, you know, on the shared pad. I am? Oh, no. On the shared pad that we have. No, the pad is not meant to be shared. It's my pad.

It's a shared pad. I'm doing a lot of stuff on there. Have you opened the photo booth? No, what is on there? Check it out when you get a chance. Why don't you open it right now? All right. Let me see. Oh, that was your muscle again. I was doing a gym shot. What is this? The photo booth? Oh. What? You don't like wiki feet? Is that what that is? I have a 10 out of 10. They say I have beautiful tips. Your tips look frosted. Yeah, that was frostbite.

That's when you kept me in the shower all weekend when the heat was out. And you said I had to sleep in the tub. Well, sorry. I got frostbite on my tips and all my whole wiki count went down. So you're just uploading photos of your feet to wiki feet? Yeah, the people love it. You know, I mean, you know fetishes really intimately. Do you know what fetishes are, though? Do you know what people are doing when they look at pictures of these feet? I could take a wild guess. Okay, go ahead.

Picturing, like, sex in them? Yes. And picturing, like, sperm in them? Yeah, I mean, probably. And picturing, like, semen on them? You just, yeah, you said a synonym for the thing you said previously. Wait, what's the cinnamon for sperm? Sperm and semen are the same thing. Same cinnamon? They don't taste like cinnamon.

If you haven't tasted it yet. That's just yours. And I'm not saying I've tasted it. I'm just saying whenever you do that and go, yuck. And your own? You shouldn't do that, by the way. It's not right to get high on your own supply. Look, Todd. I know. That's why I have to steal my drugs from our neighbor. What drugs are you stealing?

Come on, man. Open your peeps. Are you high right now? Yeah, I'm stoned as a bone. I don't even care anymore. I just got baked in the middle of this conversation and didn't even notice. It's been 10 years we've been together. Todd, you have to stop doing drugs. You have to go back to school.

You have to get your life together. Then I have one humble request. All right, Todd. What is it? Live from New York, it's Saturday night. Okay, that's not this show. You don't get to say that. What? Look, Todd, go back home, okay? I don't know what hour we are in this show, but I'll wrap up soon and I'll come back. Fine, wrap up soon. And on that note, live from L.A., it's Comedy Bang Bang. All right, thank you, Todd. See you later. Bye.

Oh, Todd. Oh, I hate when he shows up. I hate him. I hate him. God, I wish he would never come back. But that's the price of having an open door policy is sometimes people like that will show up. And speaking of open doors, this door is closed right now, but perhaps it'll open in a second. And... Oh, I know that sound. Look out, loser! Hey!

It's Power Wheels Beth! How are you? Better than you, always. I don't know if that's true. It's my 10th anniversary. I'm so excited. Oh man, I can't wait till I'm 10. Oh yeah, how old are you? I'm so fucking lit. I'm 8. I'm 8.

By the way, for those of you who have never heard Power Wheels, Beth, you work upstairs here. My mom works upstairs in marketing. And, well, I ride around on this Power Wheels. All day, every single day. That's right. And occasionally she... I've never got it clear with you. Do you go down the elevator in the Power Wheels or down the stairs? Well, I used to go in the elevator, but now that I'm eight, I go down the stairs like a real rebel. Yeah, how do you get back up?

back up do you have enough pow pow pow no then I take the elevator back up oh okay right and I have to be like can you hold that door I have to zoom my little you're in a tiny I guess tiny is you know tinier than a real car yeah but red jeep I thought you said Reggie I was just like is Reggie here is he here

Red Jeep. Yeah, it's a tiny red Jeep. Yes, of course. And did you just turn eight? Yeah, I turned eight recently. Pow! Congratulate. When is your birthday? March 3rd. March 3rd. A great date. Yeah. I was like, my mom said that she was hoping, oh, please don't be born on the Ides of March. That was her only request. And I came early. So 12 days early? Yeah. Great. Great.

So what's been going on with you, Power Wheels Beth? I mean, it's our 10th anniversary. I don't know if you knew that or if you just wandered down, but we've been doing this show for 10 years now. That's so crazy. This show is older than me? Older than you, if you can believe it, yeah. I can't and I won't? Older than even the day your parents did it. What do you- To conceive you. Scott, tell me what you're talking about right now. That was eight years and nine months ago, I believe, or 10 months ago by now. What are you talking about? Oh-

So your parents haven't... Okay, I guess it's up to me to have the talk with you. I choose you, Andy Richter!

Wait. Choose you to leave. Who is it? Oh, yeah, Dash Grabham. Hello, Scott. Dash Grabham, the Pokemon trainer. That's right. I get Pokemon, and I capture them, and I subjugate them, and I train them for battle. But not Andy Richter. He is gone forever for me now. And you let Andy go? Last time Dash was on the show, he captured Andy Richter into his Pokemon, what do you call it?

Pokey balls. Your pokey ball, yes. There are many kinds. Great balls. Ultra balls. Master balls. Whoa, that's punk as hell. Oh.

Oh. That might be punker than me. I don't know if you know Power Wheels Beth here. Did you ever meet? I can't recall if you've ever been on the same show. Nope. Enchanté. That's something that I heard someone say once in France when I was capturing a Mr. Mime. Well, speaking of France, I was just about to have the sex talk with Beth here. Oh, hell yeah. I could do it for you if you want. Oh, yeah, please do. Okay. This is a good way for me to learn. I'm convinced. For sure.

So when two Pokemon love each other very much, they battle and one beats the other one into the dirt until it's in submission. And then that Pokemon becomes stronger and grows and then lays an egg. And then you leave that egg with a stranger for like 12 months and then it's a baby. That sounds like how I'd be brought into this world. Thanks. What's your name again? Dash. I'm Dash Grabham. I'm going to be a Pokemon master. Dash is from the Kanto region. That's right.

Where there are no restaurants? Not a lot. Just a lot of inns? There's one big Italian restaurant. No one goes in to eat. No, it's not for eating. It's for crime, mostly. Well, that sounds like mostly what you need a restaurant for. Hell yeah. That's a sweet ride. Thanks, man.

I wonder if you combined the Power Wheels car with your Pokeball. Boy, that would be an exciting kind of situation. Yeah, can you evolve my Jeep into a big Jeep when I'm 16 and a thousand years? Whoa, that sounds like a really good idea. We have to get your Jeep to battle first. How does a Jeep battle? Well, I saw someone on the street who said something that...

It was called vehicular manslaughter. Oh. Wait, you saw something on the street? Yeah. You saw a vehicular manslaughter? I'll recount the event for you. There was a police officer on a motorcycle. Sure. Another man driving a car. I did not catch his face. Okay. Ran into a man crossing the street, and then the man rode away, and then the police officer shouted, that thing I've seen is vehicular manslaughter. So you witnessed someone witnessing vehicular manslaughter. What did you say? Yes, that. Okay. Okay.

So, yeah. I think that's how a jeep gets experience in battle. Oh, wow. Scott, can I vehicular manslaughter you with my jeep right now? Oh, I don't, you know, I don't think so. I think we want the show to go on a little longer than 10 years. Although this could be the final episode. Winner, the jeep.

Now you have to give her a badge, Scott. Wait a minute. She defeated you in battle with her cheek. All she did was circle around me. It was super effective, Scott. Give her a badge. I don't necessarily have a badge. Make up a badge for me, Scott. I want to be in Girl Scouts for the cookies, but my mom says no. Why won't your mom let you be in Girl Scouts? No one will take me to after school.

Well, your mom works a lot. Is she a single mother? I can't recall. We tried to solve the mystery of my dad once, but it didn't go very far.

Well, look, I can make a badge with just, I guess I have some paper here. Yeah. I have some scissors as well and a little bit of gold glitter and some glue. This is very crafty, Scott. Scott, this is very good. I also have a little bit of quick dry paint. Wait, Scott? You know, I think you're a vomit garbage man, but that is very good. Whoa, look at it. Here.

Here, this is just a little something I made. Whoa. You defeated the gym leader of the comedy Bang Bang Gym. Did I? Oh, that's what this badge is. That's what this badge signifies. Yes. This is beautiful. It's like three-dimensional. It has like a dragon head. Great job. Thank you so much. It's like origami covered in glitter paint. And if, by the way, if you ever leave the building, I'm going to have to ask for your badge and if you have a gun as well. Oh, okay.

Huh. I don't have a gun. Okay, good. That's good to know. Do you have a gun? I wish I had a gun, Scott. You don't even... My weapon of choice is Pokemon. Yeah, you don't even battle anyone yourself. You let these Pokemon do the battles for you. Well, well... You're a coward. Well...

Well, no. That's wrong, Scott. Have you ever actually physically assaulted anyone? Yes. Tell me. A man who told me to stop sleeping under the bridge. I threw a Pokeball at his face, and then the Pokemon fought him for me. No, you didn't do it. I threw the Pokeball, Scott. Well... Scott, Scott! Does the man who pushes the button to drop the bombs over the foreign country, has he not committed...

Is that the bomb? The bomb did a murder, Scott? Some would say his superior officers are more responsible or the government itself. Well, I am both the man and the superior officer and the government in this scenario. Can I battle you right now in this Jeep? Oh, heck yeah. But I will warn you, I have Pokemon that are strong against Jeep type Pokemon.

Okay, I don't know. I've evolved to beat the leader of the Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Gym. That's true. Okay, what type of Jeep-type Pokemon do you have in that ball? I mean, I don't have any Jeep-type Pokemon. Were you just bluffing? This is the first Jeep-type Pokemon I've ever seen. Okay, what is a Jeep? I assume it's an electric type, so I should use a rock type. Ow! Ow!

Hold on. Hold on, freezes. No gozies yet. Freezes, no gozies? For how long? I'm giving you 10 seconds. 10 seconds. That's all I need. Is there a water-based Pokemon maybe for the electricity? That'd be bad against electricity. Electricity's strong against water. I need a rock-type Pokemon. I thought that water would short out the electricity. No.

No, conductive. Ow! Conductive. Chew, dude! I choose you!

Geodude. Okay, this guy's just saying his name? Hey, Geodude. Oh, I like him. Hey, dude. Geodude. It's an epic battle, Scott. Okay, so Geodude is basically standing still and just saying his name. Meanwhile, Beth is there now petting Geodude. Giving him a noogie. Oh, wait, hold on. He put on a jacket. Oh, hold on. He's going over to the jukebox. Hey.

He's hitting the jukebox now trying to get a song to play. Now they're just dancing? Beth is dancing in her actual...

And she's pointing her fingers up and doing that kind of dancing when you don't know how to dance and you're just pointing at the heavens and alternating fingers. That's a good dance. I like this Geodude. Now they're friends, I guess? Yeah, he does that a lot. Is it a tie? What happens? I mean... Me and Geodude are going to get our mom to go make us Italian sodas. Oh.

That's really just soda water that you put some flavoring in. I know, Scott, but I like seeing how the sausage is made. You ever had? Like, I'm so happy I know how I was made. Two Pokemons fell in love. They battled one into the ground, into the dust, and then a Beth was born. That's truly how your bread was made, yes. And an egg. So what do you do in this situation? They're just going to go off together and you let them go? I mean...

Not usually I would recall the Pokemon, but my sort of MO is that whatever Pokemon I have, I just sort of throw to the wind whenever someone else wants them or whenever I can't remember which ones I have. So this guy is like my little buddy now? Hey man, you take that Geodude and you take care of him. He's never had a mom before. Ugh.

Wow, you're a mom now. Babies having babies. Not you. I thought you said you were going to go get our mom to make us Italian. Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed Geodude had a mom and like our moms would be friends. He fully does not. I'm trying to set my mom up for more friends her own age. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like where she does marketing, she only has co-workers who are older or younger than her. How old is she? My mom, 43. I can't be friends with her. I'm only 12, Scott. You're double-digit lucky. Heck yeah. When I crossed that threshold, I was like, whoa, bam, there's another guy here, and it's another numb. Yeah, I know. This guy over here, this show is 10. This show is full two hands. What? Oh, no, man. I'm older than this show. I know. You have

You can't even do it on your hands. I'm going to be so sad when I can't do it on my hands anymore because I'll never be able to do it ever again. But also happy that I'm double didged. I lost that privilege when I turned nine. Are you missing a finger? I'm missing two fingers. Oh, that's right. You only have four on each hand. So when you were my age, that was when you were full hands? That's right. Oh, that's tough.

Wow. Well, I'm glad you guys seem to be friends. I mean, you're so close in age, although... Everyone on your show is usually so old, Scott. I know. It's honestly nice to be around someone who's like vaguely in the same age as me. Yeah, sorry. I mean, you were on first, I think, with Jon Hamm, who's like, you know, he must seem like a grandpa to you. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, guys, this is great. You've made friends, and I feel like this show was responsible for it. Yeah, thanks for giving me this Geodude dash. And Scott, hey, great job on Double Ditch. No problem. Your show's full hands, and no one can ever take that away from you. And Seth, they cut your show's hands off.

Fingers off. You protect them. You watch your show's hands. You watch it. Okay. All right. All right, guys. I don't know exactly why you're so upset about this. Just worried. It's just once you lose them, you can't get them back. I have asked and tried. Are you guys going off together or what are you going to do, Dash? I'm not sure. I'm not supposed to be under the bridge anymore. Yeah, your Pokemon is going off with her. You can have an Italian soda with me and my mom if you want. I choose you. Peach soda. If they have that flavor. We do.

Hell yeah. That's great. All right, guys, thank you so much for dropping by. Really appreciate it. Okay. Oh, wow. Power wheels, Beth, and dash grab them. Dash grab them. I barely have any idea what he's talking about anytime he's talking. Speaking of talking, is there... I'm hearing a little feedback in this microphone. I wonder if maybe Engineer Devin, if there's something that...

Sound speeds. Wait a minute. I know those two words. Sound speeds. Let's roll it, boys. It's our current intern. This is Gino. Hello. Yeah, hi. What's going on, Scott? Yeah. What's going on? I got a report that you need someone to, like,

I forget what it was. Press record, press pause. We've been doing this show for a long time at this point. But I just... You know, the light went up, you know, like, hey, interns, Scott needs a hand. The intern Gino signal? Is that what you mean? Yeah, yeah. It's weird. It's just an Italian sub that they shine up in the air. Gino is our intern. He's been working on the show for now at least half a decade. Yeah, it's been over... It's been at...

Since my second or third year at Nassau, and I'm in year nine at Nassau. You don't seem to be graduating. I'm in no rush, though. Everyone tells you that college is the best time of your life. So why would you want it to end, of course? Also, I meet all these real people that work here, like you and shit, and it doesn't seem that great. How many units do you get for working on this show? I got one unit a year ago. Please put it away, by the way. Okay, you mean like credits. You're Canadian, so it makes sense.

Yeah, no, I get three credits for...

per year that I do. But then they realize I only do like three to four episodes a year or whatever. Yeah, exactly. So it's working out good for me. By the way, you should be doing every single week, but you're commuting from Long Island. It's very difficult. I know. And, you know, it's until they build an airport that goes directly from New York to Hollywood, California, Long Island to Hollywood, California. I'm fucked. I'm on the railroad to fucking Jamaica, transferring there for the air train. What are those stops, by the way? Going back.

Well, if I jump on at Babylon, which is the end of it. Right. Oh, wow. Saying them backwards is interesting. Are you drunk right now? No, but I took like 24 Xenadrine this morning. Why so many? I just wasn't, you know, I needed a little wake me up and I had a couple of cold brews and then I just went through, you know, they banned Xenadrine a few years ago, but I have like a palette of it from my buddy who works at GNC. Do you know my buddy, Tall Ronnie? Yeah.

I don't know Tal Rani. He works at GNC, the one here in town? No, no, no. He works at the one at Roosevelt Field Mall. No, of course I don't know him. I usually pop in there, grab some bourbon chicken and some creatine and get out of there. The bourbon chicken is not for sale at GNC. It's for food court across the street. Okay, yeah. Wouldn't that be weird if suddenly you went to GNC and they gave you the chicken and vice versa? Oh, I mean, chicken is a protein. That's true.

That's a good point. Hey, it's nature's protein. What's in that protein powder? I've never quite figured it out. Whey isolate, which is some sort of derivative of milk. Whey isolate. Whey isolate. I thought you were telling me to isle something. Whey isolate. Isole is now a verb. Brother, you need to isolate, man. And that's the organization that I joined when I was- No, you didn't. Yeah.

No, I did. I signed up for ISIL. Now I give them like X amount of dollars a month. No. Do you know what ISIL is? I'm not sure, but I get to feed what looks like an adult man with a beard. For the climbing on monkey bars? Yeah. For the cost of a cup of coffee a month, I can keep this guy fed. Oh, no. Gino, you don't want to be doing that. And I don't know what AK-47 stands for, but I just, I got him. I started a Kickstarter to get him one. Yeah. Well, let's catch up after the show. Okay. Yeah. I miss you, man. I miss you too. It's so great that you're here.

you drop by to, I mean, presumably, you know, it's our 10th anniversary of the show. Uh, yeah. No, I definitely knew that. You didn't, Gino, you're our intern. This is one of your main responsibilities. We've been planning this show for months and months. I can't keep track all this. I'm still trying. You've been at the meetings. Okay. I've been at the meetings, but to be fair, I have been reading a lot.

Before or during or after the meetings? During the meetings, I find myself reading a lot. What are you reading? These assorted books and magazines. You don't need to say assorted books. We know that books come in an assortment. I've been reading, well, because I used to read the same book over and over and over again. Oh, which book was that? It was the William Friedkin memoir. Oh.

The William Frequent memoir. To me, I frequently read it. That was the issue. So I called it the Frequent Friedkin. Because I was trying to have my own... You're a Friedkin flyer, as I recall. I was trying to have my own... What are these? Uh...

What's it called? Memoir, diary, book. Where you talk on microphone and you record it. Podcast! Yes! You work here! Yes, that's what I was trying to do. I was trying to have a podcast called The Frequent Freedkin, where I talked about the Freedkin's memoirs every... The Freakin' Frequent Freedkin. Yes, The Freakin'...

Welcome to the Freak End. Let me do the introduction for my freak. Yeah, let's hear this. So it was, welcome to the, because it came out on Friday night, Thursday at midnight, which is technically Friday. So I say, it's the Freak End. Time for the Frequent Freakin' Frequents.

Friedkin. It's the Friedkin weekend, baby. It's the Friedkin weekend, baby. It's time. He's canceled, by the way. Is he? Yeah. R. Kelly? Oh, no. Oh, I thought you were talking about Friedkin. Oh, no, no. Friedkin's fine. I haven't even pitched it to fucking Hal, and now it's already canceled. Yeah, Hal's gone. Sorry. Hal's gone? What happened? Did he open the pod bay doors? What?

Well, look, you're supposed to be here. I don't want you reading during our meetings. We've been planning this show for a long time. I'm just tired. What are you reading now? You've been doing assorted books? Yeah, I switched books up big time, which has been nice. Big time, meaning you went to a different one. Yes, yes. And I'm reading the novelization of scenes from Italian Restaurant. Oh.

I knew they made novelizations for movies. I didn't know they did them for songs. I didn't know that either. But it's a rich extended universe. Oh, it's huge. Yeah. You've got all kinds. And they kind of pull from other stuff. You know what I mean? There's a whole chapter that takes place in Mr. Cacciatore's across from the medical center. Is there an anthropomorphic bottle of red, an anthropomorphic bottle of white? Yes. Yes. And it's weird because there's one sad when one isn't chosen. Right. Well, they're sort of like the devil and angel on bill.

uh, the main character whose name is BJ. We all, I'm pretty sure we know who that's supposed to be. He has a bottle of red on one soldier and a bottle of white on the other. Yeah. And then there's, and this is the fucked up part because, you know, you think songs are a lot of like, uh, imagery and similes and metaphors and whatnot. And if they correspond to the music, it can make you feel the same, you know, a certain way. Right. But then when you read it as a novelization, you're like, oh, there's, there's more literal stuff. There,

The book opens with a guy fucking a gin and tonic. What? But he's calling it a tonic and gin. Tonic and gin? This is, I mean. He's straight up coming in it. And he's like, it's insane. And that's what, it just caught me. It just hooked me. Yeah, well, that's a great opening scene. Yeah, I wish there was a way that you could listen to books. You work in the audio medium. I don't know why you don't know this, but yes, there are. Actually, I'm in audio small now, I was told.

The mediums are baggy. You're very tiny. You seem to be losing weight. I think it's too much Xenadrine, to be honest. I'm running a constant body temperature of 106.7. We play the greatest oldies.

You seem to have lost about three pounds since you've sat down. Yeah, yeah. I'm vibrating. I truly am. I'm like, my teeth are rattling. Well, it's easy. Like, you know, how much does a tooth weigh? An ounce? You lose four from like, you know, lack of nutrition. Sure. Dropping LBs, baby. Yeah, exactly. Quarter of a pound. Yeah, yeah. The original quarter pounder was four teeth that fell out of a skinny person's head.

And McDonald's is like, this is a good idea. We can weigh it against a burger. They put it like a blind lady came out with a blindfold and she had these two scales and they put a quarter pound of burger on one and then four human teeth on the other. And they were like, it's even. And then it was like, this whole industry is out of order. This sounds like an ancient caveman trial. Yeah.

Oh, now that's a good idea for a book. Ancient caveman trial. Ancient caveman. I think ancient caveman, you sort of had on hat at that point. We know. Yeah, we know. Yeah, exactly. Cause you just want to make sure you're not cause like caveman lawyer. That's a, that's a fun. Those are two different things. You're wearing a hat on a hat right now, by the way, what is, what is going on? My, uh,

Because my body temp is so high You're trying to trap it in there? I'm trying to trap it because I'm blowing legit steam out the top of my head I look like a football player sitting on the sideline in December or whatever in Buffalo Great Wings, by the way Buffalo Wild Wings? No, the episode of Wings that's playing behind your head Oh yeah, sorry This is a great wing I keep the TV on to sort of occupy me while I do the show That makes sense, totally

But Gino. How have you been? I'm talking about. Don't worry about me. Is this the 10th anniversary thing now? Yes, we're doing the 10th anniversary right now. Thank God you made it. Then let's roll sound. We have been recording the entire time. And this is not your job anymore. What is my job then? I don't even. First of all, you're supposed to get waters. There's water right in front of. Oh, thanks for the reminder. I'm fucking dehydrated. No, I need some water. Oh, all right. Yeah, we can get waters for everybody. Yeah. Kevin, can we get some waters in here for everybody? No, this is your job.

Okay, my bad. I thought Kevin was an intern's intern, but it turns out the kid's a producer now. I don't know what he does. What about one for me? One for you? Hey, one for me, one for you, and one for the Holy Ghost. Of course, Daisy.

One for me, one for them. This one's for the studio, a.k.a. Ackerman. And the other one's my Irishman. All right. Thank you for that. I am going to take a sip here. Me too. Where have you been since? I mean, I don't think I've seen you since December. Maybe the Ace Hotel show that we did? Oh, yeah. I did that one. That was fun flying in here and doing it. I didn't know you guys could do this in front of other people because it makes no sense to me to buy a ticket to see people talk on microphone when you can listen to it in your apartment. You're blowing up our entire business model here. You don't want to be doing that.

No? Okay, I'll drop it off. Okay. Your entire business model is based on the PCAST blast? Yeah, exactly. We did not have a good year. Let's go back to the drawing board. By the way, you brought some drawings, I noticed here. Oh, yeah. Speaking of the drawing board, what are all these? This is what I'm calling American hentai.

I've never seen bodies in those positions before. Yeah. These are some classic, uh, classic Kama Sutra positions that I drew. See, this is me blowing millhouse. Yeah. So I call this American hentai. Very good. Very nice. I'm thinking about doing like a, a, a weekly show where you record you and some friends talking about it. And then you like put it up for people to listen to. These are, these are podcasts. Yeah. Okay. Well, whatever they're called, I'm sorry. I can't remember the name. You,

I employ you. It's the same shit as credit and exposure. Hey, exposure, man. I'll tell you what. I could use a little exposure at 106.7. Well, take off your two hats. Well, if I take off my first one, then the second one will inflate. Okay. I have like a tinfoil jiffy pop thing. Oh, got it. Underneath the Rasta hat. Were you trying...

Were you trying to keep people from reading your thoughts or something? Well, I was on the, I was on a plane at one time and a kid hit me with a pencil and it got stuck in the top of my skull for the entire ride. And I didn't know about that. And when I got off the plane, I hit it cause I'm a little tall, not fat, but tall. Right. And I hit my head and the pencil, you know, went into like another inch deeper and I had to like, it's just brutal. So now I always wrap my head in tinfoil before I jump on a flight. It's a, it's hell at the gate.

I don't know how you get through the sensors. I'm like, let me go through again. They're like, do you have a bracelet on or something? I'm like, I don't know what it could be. And I just keep going through the metal. Did you take off your Rasa hat? And then eventually they're like, sir, I think you got to take off the Rasa hat. And I'm like, that's, you know, this is for religion. Oh, they can't do anything. They can't say shit. So then they scan my head with a little wand and it's beeping and stuff. And I say, I already had my brain replaced with a Pentium processor. So that's why. Okay. Do you have some sort of friendly doctor who gave you a card? Oh yeah. My doctor, Onyx.

Andre 3000, the seal is his name. The seal. Wait, he's a Navy seal. No, no, no. He calls it. Cause he's, he says he's named for his name's Andre 3000. Everyone goes like the guy from outcast and he goes, no, like the seal from Andre, the seal. I don't know. Andre, the seal. I'm pretty sure it was a Disney movie from someone's childhood. Maybe someone older than me is child. Right. Right. But I don't remember. So he, he's correcting me. I got a, he got me a weed prescription. Um,

A DMT vape pen And He gets me green tea extract And guarana and all the other Foundational ingredients Guarana, is that lizard poop? Yes, that's iguana guarana Is what you're thinking of And it's not the 80s band iguana guarana This is, guarana is An accelerant, a human accelerant That is found in assorted Gecko and nile monada Komodo dragons Guess what?

Don't have it. They don't have it. That's the thing, man. A lot of people assume Komodo dragons have guarana in their poop, but...

That's like the main thing I'm constantly telling people. Yeah, I know. That's the thing that's always coming up. It's come up during several of our meetings, by the way. I know. Well, that's me. You put the book down finally. All right. The Friedkin connection. Let me pause for a second here. I can't wait to hear about him slapping a woman on the set of Exorcist. But for now. Which woman? Ellen Barkin. Oh, really? Yes. Wait, Ellen Barkin or Ellen Burstyn? Ellen Barkin was there? Ellen Burstyn was there, but he smacked her because she had been barking. Oh.

And they were trying to get room tone. And they were like, let's get room tone. She might have actually been possessed. Yeah, she's barking up a fucking storm, chewing on a bone. So freaking has to go over there and go, do you love me? Do you trust me? And slaps her right in the face. And Ellen barking becomes Ellen bursting because the blood vessels in her face be bursting. Okay.

What an incredible Hollywood story. Hey, it's not mine. It's the freaking memoirs. Well, you know it so well because you've read it so many times. It's the only book I have possession of. There's two books that have possession of me, though. Oh, really? Okay. The Bible and the Torah. Of course. Those are great books. Two of my favorites. Bestsellers. I only read bestsellers. Has everybody

been a year where the Bible dropped down low on the list and people are like, we need to buy more Bibles. Yeah, that was the year Sorcerer's Stone came out. Okay, right.

I'll tell you what, George R.R. Martin, if he ever fucking finishes a book, he's going to be popping off. Fuck the Bible. He'll be more popular than the Bible there. Finally. Yes. Oh, yeah. More twins fucking in the Bible, though. That's true. Yeah. Is Cain and Abel 69? I don't know. I only read a novelization of the Bible. You read a novelization? I read the Cliff's notes. Oh, how is Cliff? He's good. He's good. He moved out of Boston. Is he still mad about losing Jeopardy? Him and Weird Al. Oh.

Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. He lost on Jeopardy. Two of my favorites. Yeah. He might be on the show. Well, Gino, it's so good to see you. Hey, it's so good to see you. Are you prepared to stick around and help out for the many more hours we have on the show? Yeah, totally. Whatever you need from me, I'll be in the booth the whole time. You will? Yeah. Can you see into the booth from here?

No, I can't. Yeah, then I'll be there. Okay, don't worry about it. Okay. What they don't tell these fucking engineer guys is that you could just put a fucking little weight on the record button and the shit just records. You don't have to hold down the record button the entire time. Have you been doing that every time you've done the show? What are you talking about? You press it once, you depress it, and it records the entire time until you press it again. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, you've been... God.

I wondered why one finger is huge on your right hand. Yeah. Well, that's from, you know, the male G spot is real. So you've said that many times. That's the other thing you say when you put down the book. Well, because it's it's it's constantly coming up in the ear. Well, you know, Colin Anderson's like the male G spot's not real. And I'm like, boom. Yeah. I don't know why he's coming out swinging. It's the UK and I'm and I'm like, hey, are you OK, UK?

because the male G-spot is fucking real. Watch. And then I do like, you know, the whole demonstration. So it's a combination of pressing the button and sticking your finger up your butt. Oh, I call it pressing the button. Right. Oh, and the record button. Yes, that's the one. You're pressing. Wait, you're not pressing the record button with the finger that you've kept up your ass, have you? No, I have a little cup of water. I dip it into like a beer pong. I wondered why the control room smells like shit.

Does it? Yes. Okay, okay. And yours in particular. Yeah, well, I'm starting to think it might be my fault. They make those rubber gloves, you know? So I'm going to... Yes, I know they make rubber gloves. I'm going to buy rubber gloves, cut all the fingers off, and that's five for every one I purchase, and then I could use that as like a little fingy condom. Don't do a Dickens with the...

Is that called the Dickens? That's called the Dickens. That's called the, yeah. Everyone in Dickens novels has the gloves with their fingers cut off. Oh, right. And then what about in the deep Dickens novels? Does everyone have the same gloves? Those are totally different. Oh, okay. Because they're mostly picture books. Do you want to see some of my more of my hentai? No, I know you've brought a large stack of stuff. Look, Gino, I appreciate you coming by, even though I guess you didn't know it was the anniversary, but you have to get to work now. So you've done 10 years of this? 10 years of this, if you can believe it. And how many episodes come out a week?

One or two. One or two. Jesus Christ. Yeah, never three. Oh, that's smart because two is plenty. Don't want to go back to the well too often. Yeah, you don't want to hit nine hours of content a week. What are you, MSNBC? Only on this show.

All right. We'll see you in the booth. Yeah, I'll be in the booth. Tell everyone to come by the booth. I'm autographing T-shirts and tank tops and shit like that. Who's? Your own? No, I could do a lot of signatures. I learned Billy Joel's. I learned Rod Stewart's. And I learned Don Mattingly's. And I learned Alex Rodriguez's. You're just autographing things? I learned Phil Simms. I learned George R.R. Martin. I found out two R's, just like J.R.R. Token, another guy I know how to do. What is with the two R's with these guys? These fucking guys are like- You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? Make my name as unpronounceable as possible. Scott RRR Aukerman. It's fucking brutal. It's brutal. I would never do that to you. Oh, thank you, brother. Well, Gino, it's so good to see you. All right. Well, let's cut.

and we'll take it again. But I think we got it. You just have to leave. You have to go into the booth and get actually to work. All right. I'm taking my drawings with me. It's the last chance to buy one. Wait, these are for sale. You've never even mentioned these are for sale. I'm not interested. There's one of me goat seeing and then having Stewie from Family Guy put his whole head in my ass. Look, these are all my interests, but I don't think that I have the cash on hand. All right. We'll see you, Gito. All right. Goodbye. I'll see you later. All right. We need to take a break.

When we come back, who knows what's going to happen, but more of your favorites, more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Hey, everybody. We have some new merch. New Comedy Bang Bang merch in the store. And this one is really stupid. This is...

Okay, so if you heard the most recent Comedy Bang Bang Holiday Spectacular from 2018, you of course remember he came in and made quite an impression on everyone. About two hours in, you remember, of course, Big Dog. Big Dog!

Big Dog, of course, he don't hold no grudges. We all knew that about him the second he walked in. He came in with four completely new catchphrases, and we've made a T-shirt about him. Big Dog, he was a guy who stopped by the studios with a steamy plate of nachos and described the shirt that he was wearing. Had the catchphrases, Big Dog don't hold no grudges, of course. Woof, woof, spelled incorrectly. Eat shit. And who did that?

All wonderful catchphrases for a wonderful guy who came by the studio. So go get it. Arguably our grossest shirt yet. The font is terrible. You will look like a true asshole. Go to PodSwag.com slash bang bang. Comedy bang bang. Wow, what a show already. And we're just halfway through. What's that? We're not even halfway through? Oh, shit.

Okay, well, all right, we'll get through this. But welcome back to the show. Scott Aukerman here and a lot of our favorite guests have been returning and catching us up with what they've been going through. And wait, who just came in here? Who do we have stepping up to the microphone? I see three shadowy figures.

Oh my goodness. Who is this? Announce yourselves. Hello, Scott Aukerman. Entree P. Neuer in the building. Entree P. Neuer, it's so good to see you. Great to see you, Scott. Inventor and, I was going to say scientist, but that doesn't accurately describe you. Are you a scientist? Yeah, sure. Why not? Why wouldn't I be? I actually wanted to see if you wanted to invent. Happy birthday.

Happy anniversary, first and foremost. Oh, sure. Let's get the pleasantries out of the way. So many people have said it at this point. Happy ann... I know, but I... It doesn't even mean anything anymore. Meaningless, right? Right. Have you ever encountered somebody with bad breath? I'm trying to think back through my life. Let me see. Cataloging. Not a once? I believe once in my life, yes. Okay. I've got a new invention. It is a plastic stick. It's got bristles on it.

It's for the cleaning of the teeth. Right. Do you put anything on these bristles or? Yes. Toothpaste. Okay. So you know what toothpaste is. I've heard of toothpaste. But you don't know what a toothbrush is. I've heard of toothpaste. All that I know, people have been using their fingers in toothpaste. Their fingies? No, I don't think so. No, this already exists. Entree Pinure here is very adept at inventing things that already exist and that she already seems to know the name of. No, Scott.

I have never heard of a toothbrush. You've heard of a tooth. I've heard of a tooth. I've heard of a hairbrush. Okay. Have you heard of a hairbrush for the teeth? I mean, not a bad idea if you want your teeth to be straight and just brush them. Right. And you want to get all the naps out of your teeth. Instead of braces. Right. Oh my goodness. Entree, who's with you here? Oh,

Hello, Scott. Hello, Scott. I know you recognize me. Let me take my wig out in front of my face. Why did you have your wig in front of your face? The sun was shining in my eyes. It is me, Scott. It's Bone Queef. That's Bone like an x-ray technician and Queef like a pussy fart. Bone Queef. So good to see you. Thank you. It's been a long time. How you doing, girl? I'm doing good. Do you know Entree here? Entree, we just met in the lobby. Hi, Bone. Hello. Bone, I have a proposition for you. I'm sorry. My full name is Bone. I thought you were going to say Bone Dequeef.

A bone to quick, a bone to pick. Bone to, no, I do not have a bone to pick, but I do have a proposition bone. Okay, I'm interested. Can I call you bone? No. I would prefer you call me bone queef. Bone like, ooh, it's old Hallow's Eve and queef like a pussy fart. Okay. You were wondering if you could call him bone-o? Bone from YouTube. Ooh, bone like Bono from YouTube and queef like a pussy fart. Sure. No, I got...

I got a proposition for you. So, we're getting to the propositions already. Sorry to jump in, but the idea of clarifying bone by saying it's like Bono from YouTube. Yeah, that's some good stuff. I have a proposition. Tell me. You said that you didn't want the sun in your eyes. No, that's why I put my wig in front of my face. Right. Well, I have something. Maybe never heard of it. Okay. It is plastic. Why would he have heard of it if you've thought of it? I'm a woman, first of all. Hey, Zach. I'm sorry. I thought she was a...

Non-binary, and then I assigned you a sheet. Sure, sure, sure. I'm nervous. I didn't have my wig on. Why are you so nervous? What's going on? You have a brand new invention that you're trying to unveil? Yes, and this one's going to be big. Okay, what do you got? Plastic. It would go over your eyes. So the sun, the UV rays of the sun wouldn't get in your eyes. Okay. Yes. Are these like glasses? Do you know what those are, glasses? Describe them for me in three words. Harry Potter...

That's three words. Harry Potter. Okay, sorry. Harry Potter. Okay, so when you think of Harry Potter, what do you think of? The boy who lives. I think of a lightning bolt. Oh, okay. The forehead. Yeah. Look lower. His broom. Not his penis. A little bit higher than that. Okay. His Gryffindor robe. No, no. Up, up. Go up. Okay. His white neck skin. Okay.

You've thought a lot about Harry Potter. Cheeks. Cheeks. Go up on those cheeks. Just slightly north. Bigger cheeks. Slightly north. Above his cheeks are bigger cheeks. Up on the cheeks. I thought he meant bigger cheeks. Slightly north of cheeks are eyes. Yeah. Now, right in front of those are some plastic. Eyelashes. Not in front of those, though. There's some glass. You're trying to say.

You are trying to put me in a corner. I don't want to be put in a corner. Okay, I apologize. I'm trying to make, you have not, you've had me on this podcast several times. Sure. You have not once invested in any of my inventions. I'm sick to my stomach the way I show you love and you don't reciprocate. I just don't think that you'd be able to get a patent because all of these things exist already. You're talking about sunglasses. I want to talk to Bone Queefa right now. Yeah, please do. And then we'll see who this third person is that walked in with you. Oh, oh, oh.

No, talk to Bone Queef. Go ahead. Go ahead. Talk to Bone Queef. Okay. In front of your eyes, plastic, protect you from UV rays. Would you like to invest in a pair? Are they green like the visor? Why don't you just want to invest in one pair instead of the idea itself? You're really downgrading. Look, I'm going to take what I can get. Sure. You would invest. I will invest in a single pair of glasses. Okay. It's going to cost $1,900. Okay. Okay.

Well, that doesn't phase you. No. Are you independently wealthy? Yes, I'm a wealthy community organizer, if you remember. I did not remember that facet of your personality. It's really not the main thing about me. Yeah, it seems mainly like, you know. Is that code for paid protester? Paid protester? Yes. But I'm sort of, yes. My thing is that I don't believe in sunscreen. I don't believe in sunscreen. Really? It's my thing. Okay. And I'm trying to get.

other people to not believe in sunscreen. Okay. Your skin is peeling. That's right. Yes, I am constantly burning for a black woman, but I am burning. Okay? All right. Black also burns. It may not crack. Black don't crack. People don't know the rest of the quote. Black don't crack, but black also burns. Be ye not mistook. Who was that there with you? The third person who came in. Step out into the light if you would. Say, get on up. I

Out of my face, Sugar Butt is in the place. Now it's time to face your fears. Congrats, Scotty, on 10-hole year. Wow, MC Sugar Buds. Get on up or get on down. Scotty D, where that frown? Scotty D, Scotty D. Excuse me, Scotty D. Scotty D. For some reason, Sugar Butt calls me Scotty D. Scotty D in the place to be. I think because D rhymes with a lot more words than A does.

Sugar, but for people who don't remember, you were a rapper during the 80s. 1983. My name's Sugar and you're Scotty D. You fell into a coma and you recently woke up and your rap style has not changed. I'm back, baby. I'm back, Jack. White is white and black is whack. Black is whack. Excuse me. Black is whack. Black is whack because it also burns.

Now, churn, churn, butter man. This is problematic. Churn, churn, butter man. This is problematic. Now, who is butter man? Which one of us is butter man? Now, who you calling butter man? Butter man is a man who hangs out in the woods. Butter man, butter man, butter man, butter man, butter mighty good man. You know that song? Say it again. I've been catching up on all my music by year.

Wow. Wow, the three of you. The three, hot entrance. What an amazing trio. What a free stuff. Trio. Cold is frio in Spanish. Good stuff, good stuff. Okay, I got a proposition for you, Sugarbutt. Please. Have you ever tried selling your music? I tried it. I did it. In the ocean, it squitted. Could you please just talk to me in the ocean? You squitted.

Please, you just... Can you just talk to me? Just have a conversation. Without the tunes. Okay, okay. Deflate it. You really can do it without... Oh, no. That's the coma talk. Okay, I... Never mind, do the music. I think he needs to rap in order to properly enunciate. That's fine. Okay, what...

What happened when you tried to sell your music? Because I might have something for you. I tried it. I did it. I went in the ocean and squidded. Yes, we heard that already. And squidded. Then I split it. You split what? The profits? My pants. I got on up into the

ocean dance. Look at him. Now he's doing the ocean dance. Sugar butt, I'm sorry. I should introduce myself. My name is Bone Queef. It's bone like a rigid organ that constitute parts of a vertebral skeleton and queef like a pussy fart. Mmm, yummy. About what part? All of it. All of it? You like pussy farts? Yes, how do you feel about pussy farts? You think pussy farts are delicious? Delicious, like a piece of pie.

I like my sandwiches on rye. You do? Okay. We're learning a lot more about you with every appearance. Mayonnaise and mortadella. What? That's your favorite? Rye, mayonnaise, and mortadella. Nothing else? Nope. Okay. Well, you know, next time you're on the show, maybe I'll have something for you. Nice. Let me ask you a question. Oh, I'm sorry. I was going to say, how do y'all feel about sunscreen?

I believe in it. You believe in it? Yeah. Why? I need it. Well, otherwise I burn. But did you ever consider, Scott, that you could be a darker color than what you already are? He don't want to be. He don't want to be. I think everyone is fine the way they're born. Oh, I know that's not right. I know that's not right. Do you not see color, Scott? I don't.

Yeah, I have no idea what you guys are. I was born with a horn on my head, and that was not right, so I got it shaved off. Really? That's right. You're like a unicorn. It was sort of out the side, though. Oh, okay. Not really, Scott. Scott! The point is, you can always better yourself. That's true!

Come on, Bonquief. Thank you. Entree, have you ever had any sort of elective surgery? I got my titties done. Oh, done in what way? Up or down? I removed the nipple from each. They're just orbs now? Yes. Yes.

It's a soft round mouth. Titties done. It was tons of fun. I'm going to go to my car and get in my gun and shoot, shoot, shoot to the root, root, root. No, please don't. Tippity-toot, rooty-toot, fresh fruit. Please don't shoot us. No, please listen. Just because she mentioned titties. Watching the news. Titties, old bitties. I live in the city. New York.

You live in New York? New York City is where I reside. Okay. I like to go and run and hide. Sugar, but will you please just talk to us? Oh, I will. But in a rap form, please. All right. All right. Cider bite. 64. Why would you want your nipples to be gone? Because I didn't want to have children.

That's, that'll do it. I would be tempted to have children just to see if my breasts could produce milk. And when I remove my nipples, I remove the possibility that I could produce milk. Do you think that there would still be a buildup and it would like, you know, go backwards and go back through your butt or something? Yes. Now that you've taken the nipples off your boobs, you think the milk comes out your ass. My whole ass

I don't know ask my ex he loved to eat my ass you can ask him if he who's your ex again

Oh, I don't like to say names. I briefly dated Joe Biden. Joe Biden ate your butt? He definitely like a milky booty hole. Yeah, he does. You heard it here first. So are you voting for him or? In the primaries, of course. I can't vote. I can't vote. I'm a felon. Oh, why is that? What did you go to jail for? I shot up Shark Tank. You shot up Shark Tank?

That I can understand. They just weren't buying any of your stuff? They weren't buying none of my stuff. I was banned. I don't know if you remember me mentioning that once before. Sugar Butt, look, I want to produce your music. Produce? Please, just let me get this right. And what rhymes with produce anyway? You see the stop right after. You somehow rhythmically said a single word. Produce. That's Bruce. I'm going to climb it.

Spruce tree. We understood. We understood. We know what a spruce is. We understood when you said you was going to climb it. Look. Entree, you want to produce his music. Yes. Have you ever heard of a, I don't know what the word is, but something like a...

A beat? I don't know. You tell me if that's what it is. That sounded like a rhythmic pattern. So this exists? Yeah, sure. Most songs have it. So he's doing everything acapella. Right. Have you heard of it? Acapella. Ryan Manet's mortadella. That's my sandwich. That's my bunch. That's what I like to eat for lunch. He's just hungry. He came to the studio very hungry, apparently. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Mac and cheese, would you please? Oh, you like mac and cheese as well? Maybe a side? So you would provide the beat, Andrej.

Is this giving you any kind of ideas, Sugar Butt? Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

Now I go to lunch all of the time, and then I sit at the table and rhyme. I eat, drink, and shit too. Then I go poo-poo. That's the same thing as shitting at the restaurant. Shitting at the restaurant. That's the same thing as shitting at the restaurant. Shitting at the restaurant. Now the server said, hey man, did you shit? I said, no I didn't. You quit. They said, no, you fired. Oh, shit.

Is that diarrhea? Was that diarrhea? So you were sitting at a restaurant where you work and then you were fired from it? Is that the story that I'm trying to get? I was sitting and eating at the restaurant and then the man walked up to me and asked me did I shit because the smell was coming out into the restaurant and other customers were complaining. So you can't answer questions normally. When it's this important. I mean we

a little bit of a rhythm complaining sure sure sure I gotta think sorry to back up a little bit but no back it on up back it on up you know what you was talking about voting earlier yeah I have a real problem with voting okay what is your problem with it Bone Queef what is your name again by the way my name is Bone Queef it's bone like it's bone and biggie biggie I get high I get high and queef like a pussy fart right right right anyway that was what I was gonna say is that the problem is the sections where you put your name on the voting card

are not long enough. And I don't trust people to just understand when I say my name is Bone Queef for them to get it. Because you want to put a little more on there. Something to the effect of... Bone like, hey, bro, you want to sign my cast and my yearbook? Have a good summer. I broke my bone. And Queef like a pussy. Couldn't you have just said Bone?

In that case... Bone is the burden that people usually get. Bone like bone. Bone could... There's a lot of room for misinterpretation there. What's your last name if you don't mind me asking? It's Saint Gynecologist. He... Bone... I'm sorry. She or they...

Bunkweef also has a sister who drops by occasionally. If you see her, let me know. She owes me money. You haven't seen your sister, Chief? No, she's out here talking about, I've got to find Carmen Sandiego. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, she came by a few weeks ago, but I haven't seen her since. Tell her to call me. Tell her to call me. Okay, if I ever see her again, I will. Yeah, definitely. Oh, my Lord. I voted for Mondale, and then I got on the monorail at

Epcot Oh you don't stop Orlando, Florida Body Rock Yeah So you voted for Mondale in 1984 I believe That's right And Geraldine Farrar wrote And then you got on the And then your coma happened after that at some point Another one Oh You had another coma Yeah Okay First coma in 83 In the place to be Second coma in 86 I like the band Styx Really? Which is your favorite song? Styx 2 Styx

All right. Well, guys, this is... It's so incredible to me that you would come by. Happy anniversary. You were the first to say it, and I really appreciate it. Yes, y'all said it as well. Happy anniversary, Scott. Happy... Will you please invest some money? Look, name one thing, like a new thing. Brand new. Brand new. Something that you've never seen in the world before. Okay. Okay. Um...

Rectangular shape. Okay, I like where this is going. Rectangular shape. Okay. Some things are rectangular in the world, but not everything. Exactly. Okay, rectangular shape. Rectangular shape. Got it. Sits on a tabletop. Okay, not bad. Will have a keyboard attached to it. A keyboard? Okay. Yes, you've heard of that, right? I've heard of that. Sure, you mean like a pianist keyboard? It's going to have letters. Quartee.

QWERTY letters. The QWERTY letters. Uh-huh. Yeah. Can I ask, does it calculate things and does it read ones and zeros and interpolate them as to being images? Yeah. Yes. How did you know? You been in my lab? I have not been to your lab late last night. Uh.

Okay. Can I ask also, does it connect to the internet? It connects to a web that's kind of invincible. Yeah. To me, it's not like a calculator to me. Okay. Well, it can calculate. Sugarbutt, do you have any guesses as to what this might be? I mean, you've been in a coma for a long time. It sounds like the Apple I. It's tons of fun. I'm going to go to my car and get it.

my gut. She's a Rudy Toot. Go to dinner. Rudy's fresh and fruit. Don't get your gut. No, please don't get your gut. So you eat the mortadella for lunch and you go to Rudy's fresh and fruit? I get a Rudy Tootie fresh and fruity. Rudy for dinner. Do it up, up in your booty. But they're not at

gonna come out you're talking about a computer Andre cause my nipples is removed Andre you're talking about a computer these exist I don't know what that is Scott and if you're accusing me of being a liar I will go to Sugar Butt's car and get his gun before he can get it I will buy one I'll buy one you buy one I'm independently wealthy thank you boom you know what

remember meeting you way back. And you was the one to invest last time, too. That's right. A lot of haters was getting in the way, but you invested last time. I always got money. And I want to shake your hand. Thank you. So what happened with Bonequeef's money? I spent it. On the investments? On different things that I needed. Sure. Toiletries. How much did you invest again, Bonequeef? $60,000. $60,000 on toiletries? Yes. Have you ever heard of the pink toiletries?

I have, oh yeah, when you're a woman, you have to spend more money on things that men don't have. Yeah, right. Right, right, right. So this is to get the milk out your booty? The milk out my butt. I don't know.

I've been trying to get the milk pumped out my butt. It's more of the white text for you. I've been trying to get the milk pumped out my butt now for a few years. If there's something I regret, it was getting my nipples removed. I'm going to go ahead and say it here. I don't usually get too personal on this podcast, but... Thank you so much for getting deep here. But I don't...

Listen, I wouldn't recommend it. Do you cry milk also? Yes. Do you sweat milk? I do. I do. I sweat milk. I cry milk. And it comes out my asshole. Right. Sometimes in an involuntary manner. I got milk on your seat right now. Yeah, I was wondering. There's a rancid, punchy stench. But it's whole milk at least. Oh, okay, yeah. I got cookies in my pockets if you want.

Sugar butt? What do you think about all this? Milk is curdled just like a turtle. A turtle club. Turtle club.

If you hadn't said turtle, what would you have said? So milk is curdled like a turtle? Like a turtle. Tell me how a turtle is curdled. Turtle goes in its shell and inside of there it looks like hell. I knew that was coming. If you wouldn't have said hell. Can you do a rhyme with my name, Bone Queen? Bone Queen, no teeth. In your mouth, screaming shout. But if you had teeth, I'd have something for you to buy. Now, could you do a rhyme with my name, Entree P. Newell?

Entree. Pinua. I like my shrimp on a skewer on a barbie in Australia. Paul Hogan was in Crocodile Dundee. Okay, now you're just informational at the end. Also, don't come to the studio hungry. Everything is about eating. You want your shrimp on a barbie. Shrimp on the barbie. Like a dog. Oh, Lord.

No, that is a slanted rhyme. The rhyme scheme is softer than it was. That seemed to be an A-B-A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H. That is generous. I got to go, Scotty D. I got to leave the place to be. But happy 10 years, my good man. I'm going to use my good hand. Shake. You're offering me your left. What's going on with your right hand? He has a gun.

Please, no one shoot up the studio. It's ten years finally. I'll see you later. Bye-bye. Guys, thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate you being here. It means the world. Do you understand a sugar butt just left without even letting you finish? And somebody else is coming in. Wait, wait, wait. Someone else is coming in. Somebody else is coming in. Who is this? Hold on.

Greetings, gumshoes. Chief! Oh, my. Who let this scoundrel in the door? Oh, now you know who I am? Hello, what's up? It's me, your sister, Bonequeef. I can't believe it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't orphaned. You're not even going to let me explain. What are you doing?

here, Chief. It must be a surprise to see your sister here. It's a huge surprise, Scott. I came to celebrate you on this lovely day ten years after you started this beautiful program. Thank you so much, Chief. You're a recent addition to our program. Maybe two years or so. Two whole years. Two entire years. The entire time you've been searching for Carmen Sandiego? That's right, Scott. Yes, and this is not her. This is Andre P. Neuer. Hi, Andre!

Trey P. Newark, pleasure's all mine. I cannot shake your hand. I have a bad case of contagious eczema. Oh, well, I got milk coming out my ass, so I'll one-up you right now. Hello, sister. Nice to see you. It's me, Bone Queef. Bone-like. Make no bones about it. That's a human in a skin suit. And queef like a pussy fart.

What? You remember. What else could queef be like? Huh? Queef be like. I can't think of a single other thing. You ever heard of the meme like hoes be like? Uh-huh. Queef be like what? Queef be like pussy fart. What else? Pussy fart? Okay. Queef be like a pussy fart. Okay. Speaking of pussy farts. Yeah. No, let's talk to chief. Wait, what did you have to say when you were saying speaking of pussy farts? No, no.

No, no, I shouldn't. Okay. That's the red text right there. Chief, how's the progress been going in terms of finding Carmen Sandiego? Well, as you know, Scott, the last time I saw you, I was on vacation. That's right. But that vacation was shortened quite quickly as I had to hit the road.

Because I got a clue. You received a clue as to the whereabouts of Carmen Sandiego? I received a clue from Mount Rushmore in the Dakotas. Really? That's the famous four-headed mountain. Absolutely. There's a small hill at the bottom with William Henry Harrison's face. Oh, really? I did not know that. Sitting on that hill was one of Carmen Sandiego's many minions.

You don't say. Yes. And that was the clue that led you to, or the clue led you to Mount Rushmore. The clue led me to Mount Rushmore. Okay, so then what happened? Carved in the side of a mountain in the Dakotas. Sure. There, there was a hot dog cart. Okay. Were they bacon-wrapped hot dogs? No, that's a Los Angeles thing. In the Dakotas, they wrap their hot dogs in cheese. Okay.

Thank you for that bit of regional information regarding hot dogs. So what happened? Did you find Carmen Sandiego? Absolutely not, Scott. I didn't. She wasn't there. Okay. But I did get this piece of paper. Oh, okay. It says here...

Congratulations, Scott, on ten whole entire years of this program. You got that piece of paper at Mount Rushmore? Yes. And you decided to bring it back here to wish me congratulations? I thought it'd be a nice gift. You don't seem happy. It's wonderful, but who do you think wrote this paper? None other than that scheming ski slut, Carmen Sandiego. Ski slut? She loves the slopes. I got a question, sister. Did you get a single one of my text messages?

My phone was out of commission. Mm-hmm. Did you find our mother? I didn't have service. Mm-hmm. Who is your mother again? You guys don't know who it is? We don't know. 23andMe told us we were related, but that's about all we know. You could be searching for your mother instead of this woman, Carmen Sandiego. Why would I want to find that thing back? Wait a minute. You seem to be lost, Chief. Lost? In some fashion. I've got a proposition for you. Please propose. Okay. Okay.

It's a circular shaped something. It is going to have, it's going to say on it, North or South or East or West. Some hands on it to let you know where you're going.

Not actual hands. Not hands. Sticks of sorts. Like the band? Yes, Sticks 1. That was MC Sugarbutt's favorite band. Sticks 2 is his favorite song. Is that who I walked by on the way in? Yeah. I love Sticks 2. Some hands on it. Would you be interested in investing in one of these? What would you name it?

Directional God. Hmm. Can I pitch on that? Pitch on it? Yes. As long as you won't ask for any portion of equity. No, that's fine. I'll do this one on the house. Okay. What are your pitches? Hmm. Let's see. What it sounds like to me is some sort of directional computer. So let's shorten that to comp. And I'm

Currently chasing Carmen Sandiego's ass. So let's call it a comp ass. Sounds good to me. It seems like you have an investor. That's good. I do like that name. How much do you need from Chief here? Chief is independently wealthy as well, I believe. I need $3.95. That's $3.95. That's how much a taco costs just outside of here. I'll write you a traveler's check. Also, there are plenty of cheaper tacos in the city. Shh.

Oh my. What was that? What happened? Oh, hello? Oh my god, it's Kiwi Chris! Oh, sorry! Scott! Hawaii, I tripped in a hole and I figured I'd come say hi for the team. Oh, you fell right into the room. Bit of a room. What is the hole doing up here in the studio? I thought this was a new studio. I was home in my hostel, just living, and then I saw, oh, there's a hole, and then I saw my friends here.

Oh, yeah. Come say hi. Well, this is Andre P. Newark. This is Chief. Nice to meet you. This is Bone. I can't remember. Yes. Hello. Me. Bone Queef. Hold on one second. You're trying to bring up your notes? It's Bone like, like Dr. Evil says, throw me a freaking bone here. Okay. This is Bone Queef. So that solidifies it for you.

Yeah, hi. Nice to meet all of you. It's a pleasure. Pleasure is mine. Just want to say quickly that in Australia, I'm sorry, in New Zealand, we're very excited about- I forgot where you're from immediately. Just for a moment. Oh my goodness. Just want to say it's been your 10 year anniversary for a couple of hours there. Yeah, that's right. Happened before. We all celebrated. The fireworks went off. It was really lovely. Really nice. Are you thinking of New Year's Eve? Could be that. I'm not sure. Okay.

It's the same holiday, really. You know? New Year's, one year to the next, one year to the next. Sure. Well, thank you so much for making the trip out here. I mean, I know all you did was fall into a hole. Yeah. Do these holes have interdimensional properties or something? Yeah, they're portals. Bit of a portal. Yeah, a portal, yeah. Well, thank you so much for coming by. Of course, yeah. Where are you staying while you in town? Huh? Where are you staying while you in town? Huh? Where are you staying while you in town? Something really powerful about repeating the same thing over and over in the exact same guidance.

Where are you staying while you're in town? I'll probably find a hostel, you know, in Hollywood. Okay. I have a proposition for you. I'm all ears. I've got a lot of gold for my travels. Something rectangular. Inside there are several- This isn't a computer, is it? Well, I don't know what that is, Scott, so shut the hell up.

Shut up. Okay, please. You have the floor. I don't mean to come at you sideways on your anniversary. I understand. You have the conch. Go ahead. A conch? What is that? It's a shell found in the islands. The islands of what? Fiji. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Y'all throwing me off track here. You have a rectangle. A rectangular shaped something. There's rooms. Individual rooms. There might be people at a desk that can help you get to the room that you want. You'll pay a fee to be in one of the rooms for a period of time. It's a little nifty.

nicer than a hostile. Okay. By the way, you're talking about a hotel, but I don't know what the hell that is, Scott. You don't have to invent a hotel. If you have a place, you can just open it up and charge money for him to stay there. I don't have a place and I don't know what, what is that word? Ho? You calling me a ho? I'm so sorry. You calling me a ho? I paused after the ho. Oh, just because it's a little milk?

milk coming out my ass at my home now? Please, please, no. It's a hotel. Like you never had some milk coming out your ass? Who here has had milk coming out their ass? You're not seeing a show of hands here. I know. I'll definitely have a bit of kiwi milk. I've got emu milk coming out my penis. Okay, guys. Carmen Sandiego has milky white breasts.

The shapes of cassava melons. She has nipples, though, I would imagine, although we've never seen them. Big, round, and brown. You think they're brown? Like dulce de leche. Okay. Okay.

Who's it? Now, this is a madhouse. This is crazy. What are you people doing in here? Oh, my God. Prince Chinadu. You don't remember my name. Prince Chinadu from a while back. Long time now, Scott. You haven't called me. Long time. Long time. Oh, my goodness. Love you. Long time. Prince Chinadu. Yes. I have found the best bugger king ever.

That's right. You were obsessed with Burger Kings. You found them and you were looking for the differences between them. The best Burger King in the world. In the world. Where is it? Mumbai. Mumbai has a Burger King. Yes. And what makes it so special? Because nobody is inside of it. Really? Okay. Pristine, quiet...

There's no staff either. Okay. It's like a palace. It's an official franchise Burger King? Well... Are the words Burger King anywhere near it? No. Okay, why do you think it's a Burger King then? Because the color scheme...

Okay, orange and white, I guess? Red, maybe? Red? I don't know. It's been a while. It's been a long time for me, too. Why? You love Burger King. I do love Burger King. You eat there every meal. I try the vegan diet. Oh, how's that working out for you, Prince Chinadu? It's not going great. Oh, really? It's not going great. It's not going great at all. I've been eating meat. Okay, so you're back on the meat train. I'm on the meat train. I once took a meat train across Eastern Europe. And what?

do you think a meat train is? If you were riding a meat train, I think I'd know. Were you having a meat train run on you? It was a train driven with

How dare you? Chief, you know what you're talking about. Excuse me. Were you having a meat train run on you? That is not what was happening. Were you having a meat train run on you? I was on a train in Eastern Europe driven by goats.

Oh, okay. I've seen that train before in my travels. What about you, Bone? I can't remember your name. Have you ever had a meat train? I have never had a meat train. I have too much dignity to have a meat train run on me. What was your name, though? I'm Bone Queef. It's Bone Like Winter's Bone starring Jennifer Lawrence, winner of Best Ensemble at the 2010 Gotham Awards. Queef like a pussypot. Well, Prince, I think you were at some sort of deserted palace in Mumbai, you say? So you're telling me all my travels are for nuts, babe?

If you had fun, it's not for naught. I mean, if it was an experience. I didn't have any fun. I didn't have any fun. No, no, no, no. I've been very miserable. I've been very, very depressed. You haven't reached out to me one time. One time? I... You like the Fugees? I love the Fugees. Big fan of the Fugees myself. That one song. Yes, only that song. Yes, yes, yes. I...

Please don't be depressed. I mean, this is a time of celebration. Oh, I forgot to say happy anniversary. You don't have to say it. But look, we're here with friends. Maybe you don't know these people. This is Chief. Your name again? Hello, I'm Amber. What's up? I'm sorry. I'm Amber.

Sorry. I'm born queef. It's born like what a paleontologist finds, not what an archaeologist finds, which is artifacts. And queef like a pussy fat. Does that clear it up for you, Prince Chinoo? Yes, yes, yes, yes. I still don't know what a pussy fat. Pussy fat. It's something that women, when too much air gets into their vaginas, they...

It comes out in an auditory manner. So are you telling me that a lot of women have their pussies plugged to keep the air from getting inside it? Yeah, I mean, it's sort of like those things. Women walk around with their pussy plugged. Right, it's like those things you buy for bottles of wine. Yes, preserve the wine. Yeah. The Holy Grail is currently plugging Carmen Sandiego's pussy. Okay. Okay.

is very, very blue. This is a very blue segment. This is very blue. Well, I gotta say, Chief and Prince Chinadu and Entrepeneur and, of course, Kiwi Chris and then I forget your name. Oh, yeah, it's me, Bone Queef. Oh,

I think I might be out. Okay, well, I think we're out of time. It's so good of you guys to drop by. Just kidding, I got one more. Born like I don't have a jealous bone in my body and queers like a pussy fart. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me, Scott. So good to see you. Happy anniversary. Please come back for the next 10. Okay, 20. How old would I be dead? Yeah, you're an older woman, Andre.

I'll be, I'm sure to be dead by then. I'll still be alive on the hunt for that. Tom in San Diego. And another meat trap. I thought you were going sugar butt hunt and then rhyme and word with that. Yeah, I know you did. All right, see you guys.

Wow. Some of our new favorites on the show. So good to see them. And yeah, I love the new favorites. I love the old favorites. I don't know how I could even pick. But wait a minute. Who's coming in now? Oh, I know both of these guys.

Oh, they're from my very first episode of the show ever. Let's talk to this person first. You know him from MTV's Human Giant. He played the bad guy, I think, in the film. Bad guy. I love you, man. There's no bad guy. He played a man with a different point of view from the protagonist, I guess. No, I was just tan. Okay, you played the tan guy. Pardon me. And you can see him on the upcoming Medical Police on Netflix. Is that correct? Yeah. Playing another bad guy?

Welcome, Rob Hubel!

about stuff that's funny oh no yeah we the show is just deadly deadly dry and so we just explain why we explain why something is funny we're gonna deconstruct yeah that's that's all it is that's all that's all we're gonna do don't worry about it uh okay look i mentioned you're a part of uh

human giant, right? You're one third of human giant or you're one fifth. I don't even know how you guys divvy it up. Yeah. Does Aziz get more on this or does he? Yeah, Aziz gets more. It's done by height. So yeah, so I'm four thirds. That's as many. Yeah.

No, we do the show and it's a, yeah. Are you still going to, are you ever going to do the show again? Is that the number one question that you get? Yeah. People keep asking us that. Um, I think we probably will do some more stuff right now. We're all just kind of doing different things like, um, yeah, sure. That's what happened to bands all the time. I mean, they do different things. Yeah. We have solo projects. Always get back together. Yeah. We're all doing solo projects and then we're all going to get addicted to heroin. Probably. Okay. Well,

How is that going for you? You know what? It's way easier to get addicted to heroin than I thought. Really? Yeah, yeah. Because see, I didn't know about it, but what I didn't anticipate is that heroin is really fun. It is so fun. It really is. It's like super, super fun. If you're out there and you have not tried heroin, by the way, if there's one message that Rob and I can impart to you. No, I mean, pick

Pick it up. I mean, I don't know if we should actually be telling people that. Look, here's the thing. I don't know if we should be spreading the word about harem because I think people probably heard about it by now. All right. Well, I want to turn to our next guest. He also was on the very first show that we ever did. He's here from Reno 9-11. Hey, Scott. Yeah.

Real quick timeout. We try not to say 9-11 when we say the name of the show. Oh, is that? Really? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Why is that? Yeah, why don't you call it Reno 911? You know, Rob, we try not to invoke the worst history, basically, in the history of the United States. Okay, yeah. I don't know, maybe Pearl Harbor death count. Was that higher?

How about Reno? I don't think so. What if it's like Reno September 11th? No, you know what? Rob just did exactly what we're trying not to do right there. Actually, you weirdly made it worse. See, I see where you're going. I see what it is. So let's try not to invoke Osama 9-11. Wait, what did I just say? Hang on a second. Reno 9-11 in no way related to the greatest American tragedy that ever happened. When you create

of the show, did you actually maybe think of calling it Reno Pearl Harbor or? We did, but we felt like that one was a little bit, you know, like kind of from grandma's attic. It's confusing. Yeah, exactly. That one was a tragedy, was a little tragedy plus time, a little too old time. Sorry, have we even finished the introduction? Have we even said that his name is Tom? No, it's Tom Lennon. My two guests from my first show. Hello.

guys thank you so much for returning thank you so much sometimes i feel like we come on the show and i just feel like we're rehashing things we've said before no i don't think so i think this is a brand new conversation that we've never had very weird take on stuff i mean anytime we get together of course we gotta talk about old things but it's all about the new stuff there's a ton of joie de vivre but we're not gonna go over stuff that we went over never never long time i feel like whenever we get together we talk about something it's new the three of us we

get together? We talk about doing exciting things. I love talking about Human Giant. I love talking about... You never stop talking about Human Giant. I never stop talking about it. Guys, thank you so much. It means the world to me that you would drop by, I mean, 10 years ago. 10 years ago. Do you remember that day? I was 17. I was 17. You were, yeah. I would just turn 17. You're now an old, old-looking 27. Thank you. You had that feathered hair and you had a Playboy earring, I remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you came out to LA. And you came in a Trans Am.

You came in a Trans Am. Yep. And I was full of young, dumb, and full of cum. You were full of cum. Where did you get your cum? I'm still full of cum. I'm so filled with cum. You've got to release some of that. I saw you at the whiskey that night trying to get rid of some of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember after the first 40 minutes, I was like, I don't think he's going to cum. No. Wait, so you're trying to get rid of it through your penis. Just open your mouth and spit it out. Oh. Oh.

That's a good idea. Guys, do you literally remember that day? I remember it very vividly, but for you, it was probably just a blip in your show business careers. I remember thinking that you ruined the name of the live show, because we've been doing the live show. We were doing the live show at UCB, and I exported it over to the podcast, and you thought that was a brand breaker. I thought it was a brand breaker. I thought you ruined the name.

I still think you ruined the name. I'd be surprised if this catches on. We literally did ruin the name. If this catches on, good luck. But for the first episode of this, I remember it very vividly because I was nervous and you guys were very nice to drop by and do this for me. And I also remember burning the episode on a CD and listening to it later going, was I okay? Did I do a good job? I didn't think you were that great. Not good. Not good. I mean, it filled an hour. You called to me a little ethnic.

Which ethnicity, according to you? I don't know. But whichever one it is, it's too much. It's just too ethnic. I wish we could go a little less ethnic with the host. I claw and scrape to everything I get.

And I'm never anything but really bummed about my career pretty much every day. Well, I mean, that makes two of us. I mean, I'm bummed about your career. Thank you very much. In I Love You, Man, I auditioned for Rob's part. Oh, you did? All I ever wanted was to play that guy. And look where it got me. Who had a bigger part? Doing this podcast. See? Rob had a more memorable part, I think. But I only remember you in it. I barely remember Rob in it. Yeah, you have some great stuff in that movie. The short version is that...

Everyone is unhappy on the inside. Everyone is unhappy on the inside. In Hollywood. In Hollywood, but not while they're listening to this podcast because you have brought great joy. I mean, I don't think this ever would have happened without your support, Tom. I remember you were very kind to me afterwards and said – I believe there was an email where you said, I killed. Now I'm hearing that you apparently didn't feel that way, but you're a good liar. I just thought you were very, very ethnic. Yeah.

But without you guys agreeing to do that first episode and honestly, your star power that you brought to the – Big, big star power. What about our – like our financial contributions? Your finance – I mean you sent me your taxes before I booked you on the show and I took a look at those. Thank you. Why did you have to check our tax returns? Well, of course, appearing on the show is a tax-deductible act and so – And we have a lot of conflicts.

That's right. Yes. Yeah. You have a lot of conflicts, not only with just timing, but you have conflicts with a lot of performers who were on the show. I'm in some fights. I'm in some fights with a lot of kid comics. I've been following a lot of kids. Really? A lot of the up and comers? The kids who do like unboxing videos? No, no, no. Like little kids, like YouTube comedians, like five and six year old standups and stuff. They know that if they cross us, we'll murder them. Yeah. And like, I've been to like a lot of... We roll strong. Do you know Tyson Bradford? Oh, yeah. He's a really funny... He's really,

funny he's really good he's like he's about seven years old yeah and so you you have a feud with Tyson I yes because I think that I just don't think he's funny does you do know does you know that the human giant family is protected by the state family which is a subdivision of the UCB family exactly the state family in the mr. show family very very different families heads of the five comedy families not a lot of overlap not a lot of overlap and sometimes there's a Bob yeah

Bob has a little bit of overlap. What overlap does he have? Bob directed the first ever Lennon-Garant movie. Oh, yes. You were going to prison, which ended up being called Let's Go to Prison. Let's Go to Prison, yes.

So there's a little bit of overlap. There's a little overlap. There's overlap between the two of us. You wrote that movie. Apparently. I always forget that on top of your acting career, you are a gigantic Hollywood screenwriter. Why am I so unhappy? I don't know why. I think it's a combination of your personal life mixed with your professional achievements. Like my great kid. Yeah.

Most of my days are spent wondering, how the fuck did he get that? But you came in here on a gold hovercraft. That's true. I mean, and I like that hovercraft. You're one of the richest men in Hollywood, I've noticed. Hovercrafts don't exist as far as we know, and yet you came in floating on one. And we were like, oh, I guess they did. And it's even last year's? I got a ticket to turn it in at Jim Falk Hovercraft in Beverly Hills.

Jim Falk has a dealership? Jim Falk has a Hovercraft dealership. My God. Yeah. It's weird. It says Jim Falk, Hovercraft of Beverly Hills, but it's actually just on Wilshire. Really? Oh, okay. You started cheating with the zip code there. He's totally cheating. Yeah. Beverly Hills Post Office, maybe? Post Office. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Scott, who is not going to be on this podcast? In a 10-hour podcast. Well, I had to make some cuts so that you guys could go as long as we're going. Right. Thank you. Sure. Who are we bumping? Yeah.

You can't have every single person who's ever been on this show. Weird Al. Yeah, he's going to be in it. Al's on the show, for sure. Yeah, Al's on the show. Yeah, definitely. But you can't – everybody. Sure, sure, sure. You know, it's impossible. I believe we've done six – well, this is episode 599. Matt Damon.

How much have you made off the show in 600 episodes? In dollars or in? In Bitcoin. Oh, in Bitcoin. In Bitcoin. How much is a Bitcoin now? It's like. One Bitcoin. I remember when Bitcoins were $150 and now they seem to be. Sometimes they're $1,200 and then sometimes they don't exist and then sometimes they're a million dollars. Yeah. I think I've made, depending on the market, I've made approximately 4,000 Bitcoins off of this. That's nice. Yeah. Nice. Not bad. Not bad.

So $16. Somewhere around there. It depends on the day. But yeah, so you guys shouldn't complain about your careers. Look at me. I'm trapped in this room for 10 years. Oh God, you haven't in this room for 10 years. I have. It smells like farts in here. Well, I mean, that's, it wouldn't be a comedy bang bang if I don't fart approximately 10 times. What's the all-time favorite episode of the show? All-time favorite. Of this show? Episode one.

Probably episode one. Yeah. We had such an interesting conversation during that episode. Worst guest ever. Someone that walked out of here and you were like, fuck that guy. Look, and people constantly ask me this and people are constantly trying to get me to talk about the one or two episodes where people have walked out in anger. But probably Rob Hubel. Wait a second. That's me. That is you. Surprise. Oh my God. Oh my God. Surprise. It's Rob Hubel Appreciation Day. Yeah.

Well, guys, I really thank you for dropping by. We have to be over at WTF in like a couple minutes. You're doing WTF? God damn it. Of course you are. He records his intro when you're not there. So he's just vamping right now and then we go straight over there. He does like a whole thing. Now that's a podcast. That's one that's going to. All right. Well, have fun doing episode 8 million of his or whatever the fuck. I guarantee you we won't.

He makes Bitcoin. He makes Bitcoin. Well, guys, I really do appreciate it. I feel like you're really trying to shoo us out the door here. Yes, please go. Even though it means the world to me that you did the first episode and this episode, you have to go. Oh, my gosh. Look who's at the door. Oh, my gosh. Who is this? Look who it is. Oh. Who is it? Step into the light. Hey, everybody. It's this guy you're watching now. I'm an anti-hide child, baby.

Oh my gosh, it's little Gary, the tiny little weirdo who used to come by the show. And I burned so bad, man. The scarred, scarred little imp. What happened to him? I was cooking up young whippets.

I got my face right in there. Oh, I got my face right in there. He's got your face right in there. Oh, my gosh. Doing whippets while he was cooking? Yeah, cooking. It's making a story of a guy. See, Eddie? Your entire body looks like it was just crushed between a panini press. Look at my genitals. No, thank you. I'm going to pass on that offer to look at your genitals. Little Gary, what have you been up to? I haven't seen you in maybe six years? I was down to see the warrants for a little

I'm sorry, you're going to have to translate exactly what you said. I was trying to open a new Guy Fieri establishment. You were trying to open a new Guy Fieri establishment? In Juarez. In Juarez. I thought he said the word Juarez. Then I found out it was more like a prank.

Oh, someone was pranking you. It was a prank. Was this an Ashton Kutcher pump situation? Come on, we'll never know. You will never know. There was no infrastructure. What a terrible show. They have you go and open up a whole restaurant in a different country as a prank. A whole Guy Fieri restaurant, and then they never tell you who was instigating the prank? Who would do that to a person? Who?

Who would do that? Who would do that? Are you asking it or is that rhetorical? I also feel like, are you saying the word replacing? Did he say pussy? Are you talking about pussy right now? It's not that kind of show. One thing that happened is I got a lot of pussy. Okay. He's taking a lot of pussy. Little Gary, you were not so little during those times, I would imagine. Okay, I'm going to pass away now.

Oh, you're dying. Because the last time you were on the show, you were still alive. And then people wonder where you went. But you're going to. I was in a coma. Oh, you're in coma. So you're going to officially die right now. That's canon. Look at this arrow in my back. Oh, God. Someone shot an arrow in your back. The whole time he had an arrow in his back. Do you want me to bury you anywhere? What is your name? Little Gary. Okay, yeah.

And he's dead. Oh, my God. His last word. Take him and bury him at the Pep Boys. His last words were Pep Boys. That's a good advertisement for Pep Boys. Pep Boys. Brought to you by Pep Boys. Pep Boys is bringing Pep Boys to itself. Well, Tom is gone, I guess. Or no, Tom. Okay. Yeah, you're back. Thank you so much for being here. Oh, here's the little dead guy. Oh, this guy, Little Gary. Have you ever come across him? No. No.

Yeah, I didn't think so. Weird genitals, though. Very weird. And scarred. It's a long story. The scarred part of it is not the weird part either. That's the strange aspect of it. Guys, I want to really thank you guys for dropping by. You want to wrap it up? I want to wrap it up, but I want to wrap it up by thanking you. Hey, man, we're going over to WTF right now. Don't worry. That's fine. You have fun over there with Mark. I'll just be here for another 10 years. Have fun with Mark.

I know what you mean. It sounds strange coming out of my mouth. I think even he would find that. Yeah, he would get it. Guys, I appreciate it. Can we meet right back here in 10 years? Yeah, sure. And we'll have various things to talk about. Maybe we'll talk about Reno 9-11. Maybe we'll talk about Human Giant. I would love to talk about it, yeah. I've got to plug Human Giant more. You have to. All right, guys. Thanks so much for dropping by. Thanks for having us.

Wow. I love those guys. The very first guests on the very first episode of the show and possibly the very last guests on the very last episode of the show if no one else shows up and we still have six hours to kill. Oh, boy. Wow. So good to see them. And I think that... Who's this now? Oh, my...

I'm in shock. I cannot believe it. It's our old friend, the Icelandic singer-songwriter Bjork. Hello. Welcome back to the show. I haven't seen you in so long. Welcome back to life, Scott. I... I don't know what you mean by that. Welcome back to life? I'm very confused. I'm overcome with emotion. I thought you were dead.

You thought I had perished? Yes, I got the email from your wolf and I am a speed reader with my emails. Why do you speed read your emails? I get so many emails and they pile up, so I like to speed read them. How fast can you read an email? Would you like me to speed read out loud one of my emails? Yeah, please do, yes. Okay, let's see what to do. It's got to go to the ground!

Oh my, how long was that email? I would guess maybe less than a sentence or? No, it was about a paragraph about six sentences. Wow, that is incredibly quick. I don't know how much you know about speed reading, but... Normally people don't do it aloud. Exactly, but it's a radio show. And you only read like every six words. Is that true? Oh, I see. Now, I always thought it was you look for the subject...

And then you look for the noun in the verb and that's all that you retain. Yes, yes. I even look for less. Less than that. I'm faster than a... I'm one of the fastest speed readers in the world, actually. It sounds like it. You introduced me as a pop singer, but there's a whole other segment of society that just knows me as a...

Top-notch speed reader. Next time you're on the show, I definitely will introduce you as the top-notch speed reader. I promise you. So how did you... What words did you read? I just read...

Did you read Scott and Dead? I wonder why those would be... I just read Special and Scott, and I assumed you were dead. It was just, they wanted me to show up and do something special, and I was very upset. I'm so sorry to disappoint. Are you upset I'm alive, or you're upset that you got the speed reading wrong? No, I'm upset that you're... I'm upset, just I'm overcome with emotion. You're upset at the very thought of me being dead. Yes, it's wonderful that you are alive, Scott. Now, why am I here? Thank you so much.

Well, it's the 10th anniversary of the Comedy Bang Bang podcast, which you've been on for so many years. But what's the big deal? I know it's not ending. It's just, I guess, a celebration of an amount of time, a decade of Comedy Bang Bang. And that's it? I mean, yeah. Just 10 years? Just 10 years, yeah. I mean, and maybe a few more after that.

It's not 25. That'd be special. I realized that the Motown 25 special was an incredible television event where Michael Jackson, oh, by the way, he's canceled. Uh,

moonwalked across the stage, but unfortunately we haven't been on the air for 25 years yet. Okay, that's why I thought when I spade read you, you use intuition too. And I must've seen 10 and gone, it can't be just that. So you saw Scott, 10 and special. Those were three words that I- I just assumed you had died 10 days ago or something. I worked it into another logic. All right, well, I- But I'm so happy that you're alive. I appreciate you dropping by. It's confusing, what the?

the theme of the show is, but I'm happy to sing. I, what did I do? I'm so embarrassed. I, I was set to sing in memoriam to you a song, a special song. Well, that, I would still like to hear it. I mean, you know, this, I feel like Tom Sawyer at my own funeral, but I would love to hear what you were going to sing about me. Um,

So, yeah, I see you brought a guitar here. Yes, you know this song, Candle in the Wind. I do. The Elton John song that he wrote about Marilyn Monroe, updated for Princess Diana. Yes, after Princess Diana died in a car chase scene, Fast and the Furious sequel. You think she was a stunt person on Fast Five?

I don't remember, actually. I remember she died. You don't have one of the world's greatest memories. She died in a car crash, I remember. Were you speed reading movies as well? Yes, I only watch the subtitles. I speed read the subtitles. Yes, well, it was about Princess Di the last time he sang it. Maybe there's been an update since then. I don't really know. How did she die? Princess Diana, she was in a car.

uh that crashed into something i don't know what it crashed into another car a telephone pole i really have no idea it's not important okay yeah i didn't think it was or is that is there any lyrics about princess di dying in this no i sped right those lyrics too but the one thing is that i rewrote the song again to be about you that's fantastic i kind of you know i don't know whether elton john would take umbrage with the fact that you're rewriting his okay i don't

Give a shit about Elton John. I have worked with him. You worked with him? I don't... We've been to the same concerts. I've done at least four live hits with him. If I see him again, I will take his old hands and put them... I'll take the lid of the piano and I'll lift it up. I'll hold one of his hands there and I'll smash it down. That is the worst thing you can do to a piano player. Smash! I know they'll think... They always go...

fingers my feet surgeons and piano players

Go for their fingers. I wonder if surgeons ever play the piano for fear of that thing coming crashing down on their fingers. Or vice versa. Or I wonder if they ever open windows, you know, in case the window comes crashing down and crushes their fingers on the sill. And do piano players ever do surgery? Probably not. Probably not, yeah. They don't try to cut themselves with a scalpel. Well, I would love to hear this song, Bjork. Okay. You've calmed down. I didn't know that.

that I'd ever be singing it to you, Scott, so I might be overcome with emotion. Okay, well, this is Bjork singing her update of Candle in the Wind. Goodbye, Scott Ackerman, though I never know you at all. Some of the words are very close to the original, just like the first three. So far, I think Scott Ackerman is the only difference. But I don't know you at all beyond most people don't. A few interactions, yeah. Yeah, so far it holds up.

So far, the original lyrics hold up. Goodbye, Scott Ackerman. Though I never know you at all, you had the grace to hold yourself while you scratched your balls underneath the table in the podcast studio. We all knew what you were doing because your eyes would glaze over as you worked your nutsack. And it seems to me

You lived your life like an asshole who did not care, never knowing what the guests were saying while your hand was in your underwear. And I would like to have been interviewed by you with your arms severed off. But the last time I was on your show, I saw you stiff your fingers right after you said that I scratched your balls.

I'm so sorry. It's so weird to do it in front of you. And it seems to me you lived your life like an asshole did not care. Never knowing what the guest was saying while your hand was in your underwear. And I would have liked to have been interviewed just once by you.

With your arms severed off. Because if your arms were severed off, then you wouldn't be able to scratch your balls. I understand the premise. Right. Unless you had like a... I guess you could do it with one foot. Arms severed off and your feet. And not to train the balls to scratch your balls. But the last time I was on your show, I saw you sniff your finger right after you scratched your balls. Right after you scratched your balls.

Every guest has seen you do it. And I pictured that being the end of the memoriam as I transition it to it's so quiet. That's the end of podcasting as we know it. So it's like podcasting world. Wow. To a moment of silence in podcasting. It's oh so quiet. I'd like to think that if I stopped doing the show, all podcasts would have to stop. That's a nice sentiment.

You would assume that. I don't think anyone would buy it beyond that day of the memorial, but we could all go, yeah, I get it. Bjork, that was, I can't say it was a moving, I mean, it definitely did move me to certain emotions, not necessarily grief. It's so sad to think of you as Ted. It is, it is. Promise me if I do die that you will not show up to my funeral and play that song.

Why? It'll be old by then, you know. It'll be an old song. You're not embarrassed about scratching your balls? I don't think I do that. That's why we admire you. It's the truth. Look, this is a very high table. This is a very low chair. The fact that my hands are underneath the table does not necessarily mean that I'm doing that particular... But there's always a sound, too, like a scratching sound. And

There's guests on that side of the table. Please don't deny this. I really don't think... You have lice or crabs or something. If I'm doing it, it must be involuntary, but I don't think I do it. I always saw it as like a power move. It's just...

Like, I don't care what the answer to your question is, guest. Like manspreading? I don't think I do it. But Bjork, that was very nice. I appreciate it. And please tell me you'll come back on the show more often. I mean, we haven't seen you in so long. I will. I will. And don't do anything to Elton John. He's a wonderful treasure. I see that little. I will make him eat his oversized glasses.

I'll take the piano lid and take out his little tiny old gray balls. And I... Okay, please don't do that to Reg. I won't mention his name, but Reg. Don't do that to him. Don't do that to me. I will stick a candle up his fucking asshole. That would be a terrible, ironic way for him to go. Yes, rewrite those lyrics now. Especially because, you know, the asshole is where the wind of the body comes out of.

All right, Bjork. It's great to see you. Thank you so much for dropping by. Goodbye. It was an honor for me to be here for you. Okay, we need to take another break, but we will be right back with more of your old favorites and new favorites. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Life. It's like a choose your own adventure book where you don't get to choose your own adventure. Isn't it? When you think about it.

You know those choose-your-own-adventure books where it's like, if you want to do this, go to page 68. If you want to do this, go to page 35. Well, life is a little more like things just happen to you, and you don't have the opportunity to make choices a lot of times. In life, anything can happen. Maybe something positive can happen, like you buy a dream car. You upgrade to the Camry XE. Yeah.

You know, or maybe and maybe you do that on impulse. You know, you just one day you're like, hey, this is looking good to me. Maybe you come home, though, and something bad has happened. Like someone broke into your apartment. Someone broke into your car like has happened to me five times recently. Maybe you say yes to a proposal from your significant other and you start growing a family.

Or on the exact opposite end of the spectrum, you find yourself in a fender bender when you least expect it. Look, all of this, sometimes things just kind of happen and we're along for the ride, aren't we? Well, whatever happens.

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Or just around the corner, wherever. There's one nearby, don't worry. So contact an agent today, because no matter what neighborhood you're from or what stage of life you're in, State Farm agents are here to help life go right. Talk to an agent today at 1-800-STATE-FARM. State Farm, here to help life go right. Comedy Bang Bang, Scott Aukerman here, and we're hearing from a lot of our old favorites, and hopefully that will continue because I love the old favorites, and...

I'm sorry, did that actually, did you pick that up on the mic? Oh, yeah. It's okay. Sorry, sir. I'm in the middle of a program here. I am actually, I'm here from Buzzard, and I'm writing a little piece on you, so I'm just going to shadow you. I'm not sure, do you mean BuzzFeed? Is that? No, it's a brand new website. We kind of cover sports, entertainment, politics, comedy, fashion, art, and

and kind of popular tourism spots. You know, we're kind of, you know, we're the buzzard. We're picking at the carcass. Sort of hovering above the carcasses of everything that's out there. Actually, that is our slogan, yeah. Oh, okay. Including the sort of? We put it in there because we want to feel like we're fresh and we're interesting. And I'm so excited. Ten years. Under which banner of those things that you covered does Comedy Bang Bang fall under? Tourism. Tourism.

and we're going to put it in the comedy category. We have like a matrix. Don't do me any small favors. No, no. We're experimenting with a whole kind of listicle thing about podcasts. And so that will be coming up in a couple months. We're just kind of –

Checking out the technology. Okay, thank you. I guess tourism, there are a lot of tourists and people new to Los Angeles who are on the show, so I guess it makes sense. Who wander in here. It's a stop, you know, it's a stop. And, you know, I just feel like it's one of those places you see the Man's Chinese Theater, the Capitol Records building, the Earwolf Studios, the Hollywood sign. You know, it's one of those things. Yeah.

The staples on the – One of the top four in Los Angeles, definitely. I mean, it has to be. And they always say it's a shame the Hollywood Walk of Fame doesn't translate all the way down here. And then I found out it was on Sunset. That's why it doesn't even cut down. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's almost like it should just continue downward a little further and have like podcasters on the – I would love that. Maybe you call it like Podcast Street or something. And again –

I'm an idea. Change the name of the street to podcast street. Well, I like, I just look, they do it for celebrities. They do it. Obama Boulevard. That was something. Sure. Chevy chase, Chevy chase, Maryland. Uh,

right that they named almost the whole place in Maryland after this guy on Saturday Alive and he wasn't even there for a long time I guess I was thinking of the streets in Glendale but again that's more of Bob Hope who was a great war hero I don't know but anyway I'm excited to be here with you getting in your mind thank you sir but what

we're doing here is we're having a lot of older guests kind of returning. It is an open door policy, so you're certainly welcome to rest your feet a little bit. Great. Exactly what do you think you're doing here? I'm doing an article on you about the 10 years of Comedy Bang Bang. I would love to ask you a couple

questions I want to just pop it in. I'm going to do one of those things where I just interview you and whatever you say, I'm going to put it in the article and that will be like a little Q&A style thing. Yeah, it seems to me like these days that's really all interviews are is they tape record the interview and then they transcribe it. Yeah, just keep everything in there, your ums, your ahs, and it just

Slap it right in. Just slap it right in. Yeah. So that's what you have in mind? Yeah, just so, but if I can actually get this tape, and that was the thing, my tape recorder is broken, so I figured if I came in here. This will be a podcast, no problem. Don't worry about it. I can transcribe it and get it all done. Great. Okay, first question. Wherever you get podcasts. Oh, love it. First question, what is a podcast? Oh, okay, so we're going back that far. Yeah, let's get into it. So you're one of the only people with a podcast. Oh, no, that's not the case anymore. Okay.

It may have been in the beginning. Yeah, okay, yeah. Okay, well, podcast is sort of an iPod broadcast. If we can keep it a little bit shorter, it would be great. Shorter than that. Our audience, once again, have those quick hit answers. Okay, sure, I'll try to keep it shorter. Yeah.

Program. Sorry. Yeah. Okay. Content. Love it. Okay, great. That's great. Good. Question one done. Love this. This is great. Okay. So you have the world's first podcast. No.

Oh, I wouldn't say that. There were plenty before me. Never Not Funny with Jimmy Pardo. Yeah, I'm going to put it in there because it's going to be a little bit more clickable for our audience. Oh, hey, I can see that. Yeah, okay. I think that that's great. As long as you put me disagreeing in there. You know, we'll figure out. We'll suss it out in the mix. Mix? Yeah, you know, I kind of just give my tape –

To my editor. And he actually doesn't even live in Los Angeles. He lives in Cleveland. He runs the whole site out of his, this house. Was that named after the Cleveland show? I think it was. And that show wasn't even that successful. You must think that the state is so upset because they banked so much on it. I mean, you know, Springfield obviously makes sense. The Simpsons are very successful. When are they going to change Massachusetts to just Family Guy?

I mean, I've signed the petition online numerous times. I mean, how many signatures do they need to get? Yeah, I think you can only do one per petition. Well, I do change my name, and I do have multiple email addresses. What is your name, by the way? We haven't even gotten to that. Oh, Chip Garvey. Chip Garvey. Yeah, Chip Garvey. Very nice to meet you. My dad was Malcolm Garvey. Steve Garvey? Oh. Oh.

No, no. Oh, Steve Garvey, the baby. Yeah. No. Who's Malcolm Garvey? He actually works in plumbing. Oh, why would you mention who your dad is? You don't find me introducing myself and mentioning who my dad is as if that's an explanation for my name. I just, you know, I just thought, you know, it's always nice to have a little bit of, you know, we're in that kind of Game of Thrones era where we need to go backstory and everything. Oh, I see. Yeah. So my dad did work in plumbing. And that's what I don't know. I don't need to know your backstory. I think that you're asking me about my backstory. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

But I think we do share some similarities. Was your dad into plumbing?

He was as into it as taking, you know, two or three shits a day. Sure. That's very healthy. You know, and that's actually going to keep, according to my dad, the more you flush, the better off you are. You may lose some of the valve stickiness in the toilets. But you think that it, you know, forcing the water through those pipes actually cleans it out a little bit. It just keeps on going. That's a good tip from a plumber's son. Yeah. You know, and, you know, they always say, you know, my father is Mr. Garvey. I am Chip.

Sure. Why are we talking so much about you? You know what? Honestly, I just got lost in the whole thing. All right. So this is the 10-year anniversary of...

Okay. I'm sorry. I got to get through my notes here. Did you say it was never not funny? No, that's a different program. Although they're great. You could maybe do a listicle about them. Oh, I'd love that. Okay. This is a comedy. Oh, I got it. Okay. Comedy boom boom. Bang, bang, bang, bang. I mean, really, it's no different. What do you think about guns?

You're saying a lot of stuff about guns. You know, this is like a thing. I mean, I want to get to these issues. Yeah, I don't know that this is the place to really have this sort of debate. Okay, I'll ask the next question. Thoughts on Louis C.K.? I don't, I know this isn't the place. All right, I'll just go to the next one. He's never been a guest. All right, great, great, great. Not for our lack of trying to get him, especially in the earlier years.

Okay, all right, great. They're just kind of popping these questions. I have to ask a couple of these questions. Okay, sure. I know that you're trying to ask these provocative questions in order to get clicks. Who was the worst guest? That's a classic. Yeah, who did you hate? I think there's this guy. Spill the tea, girlfriend. There's this guy, Chip Garvey, who's kind of annoying me. Oh, okay. I'm going to write that down. Chip Garvey. Wait a second. That looks like my... Oh, okay.

Was there somebody that had my exact name? There is someone who has your exact name who's a very annoying guest. Oh, all right, all right. I'm going to Google that. Okay. Okay. Worst guest, got that. Okay. Talk to me about processing.

The process of making the show. How do you get... All right, so you come up with the idea for a podcast, and you have to figure out where does it air? On Netflix? Does it go on TV? How do you get it from... Yeah. Podcast...

It's actually something that you can get anywhere. You can get it on Stitcher. You can get it on Apple. You can get it on Spotify. But the Stitcher app is terrible, though, right? That's what I hear. Yeah. I tried to use it. I could barely understand it. Yeah. And this is a podcast company that makes that. I have no horse in the race at this point, so I don't really...

That's okay. That's fine. I just, you know, sometimes, I mean, I did review a couple of podcast apps and that was like, that was a bad one. I was like, I was like, it's funny. I've never been on it. I have no idea what the UI is like. Well, it's the UI is bad. Believe me. I'm a tech guy too. I do. You're a tech guy. Oh yeah. I did like a vacuum. And you don't know what a podcast is. Wait, you did a vacuum what? I did a vacuum cleaner. The, the, uh, the best vacuum cleaners you can buy on sale at Amazon. And I did like a kind of, what was the number one? Uh,

You know what? You're kind of putting me on the spot. I think if I remember. You should be on the spot if you're writing that article about it. That's the spot that you asked to be in. I based it on pictures because they always say a picture is worth a thousand words. So I put the three pictures of vacuums up there. And that was your word count for the whole article? Yeah, it was like, I think that's 3,000 words right there. Compare and contrast. Yeah, I'd love to see that invoice. I think I am still not paid.

I wouldn't pay you if I were them. So I understand. I have to turn around 15 articles a week. Oh, wow. That's like two a day. Plus an extra one on Sunday. I know. And I try to do, I mean, the Sunday one is, but I call it mass and I kind of just go and I just kind of talk about what we're thankful for and stuff like that. I do. I'm going to change mass to family guy. I wish I wish. Um, so Scott, yeah, tell me Garvey. Okay. Tell me who is your favorite guest? Um,

Wow, there's been way too many. We've done almost 600 shows at this point. Wow. Anyone ever get killed on the air? Yes, actually, several people. Wow! Yeah, constantly. I don't know why it's happening. I think...

wasn't my cousin Todd dead for a long time? I don't even remember. Yeah. The bodies were piling up for a while. I, I'm a, I actually am sending, uh, one of our interns. He's, uh, right out of high school right now. He's going to listen to every episode consecutively. I'm sorry. Binge it. We're not going to let him sleep and we're just going to have him write a review of the entire, the entire thing, the entire show. Yeah. That's going to take a while. I mean, that's a, probably a thousand hours worth of content. No, I, but you know what? Uh,

a doctor avoided, said, don't do it. And we said, get out of here. You're lame old man. And, uh, we're just like kind of putting on the headphones and just not going to say no sleep till that article is written. Yeah. I mean, that's 40 days, uh, without sleep. So, uh, Jesus did it in the desert. Yeah. That's true. And we have so much more technology, let alone the nights. Yeah, exactly. 40 days, 40 nights. Oh my gosh. And H never better than in that movie. Oh man. And then Adam Sandler with eight crazy nights.

Oh, my gosh. And how about Blind, what is it? Ray Charles. I love Ray Charles. The movie Ray. Ray is great. And Jamie Foxx is a talent. He's more than just a mimic, in my opinion. He got into the soul of the character. I mean, when I did my recap, I did a recap of every Jamie Foxx sitcom, every episode of the sitcom that he was on. Right. What was that one called? It was The Fox.

it was on, I think it was called the Jamie Foxx show, not on Fox, not on Fox, more on the CW or UPN. And again, I write so quickly and I watch all this stuff. It comes in one year and out the other. Cause I'm kind of watching the Jamie Foxx show in front of me. I'm writing an article there, but I'm also then listening to a, you know, YouTube video. Cause I got to write that article. Sure. Yeah. Your life sounds really, really bad. Hey, well, you know what? Uh,

I love journalism. I love... I work for Buzzard and we get paid by the article. That's 15 articles a week. That is $30 a week that I pocket. You get paid $2 an article? Yeah. I mean, don't tell the people who work for free, but yes, I get paid $30. This is bad. This is a bad system. You need to... I mean, you need to tell Buzzard, is it? No, I don't... Who owns Buzzard? I mean, are they owned by a bunch of rich people? No. Well, look, we are...

we are a company under Jeff Bezos, uh, Jeff Bezos himself. Yes. Uh, so he bought the Washington post and he bought buzzard. Okay. Um, and he's keeping us organic or what he said. We're, we're still in the house in Cleveland. Uh,

Right. And, you know, that's where the base of operations is. And he doesn't want to interfere with us, you know. Okay. No, he's the richest man alive. I mean, and he's... Oh, and there's so many ads. He's so rich, he's giving a ton of his money to his ex-wife and he doesn't even give a shit. No, I know. Oh, by the way, speaking of ads, I have to do an ad right now, too. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Need a jacket? Of course, we all do. The best jackets come from a jacket maker online.

the way from Ohio. That's right. It's Chips Jackets. Chips Jackets are made from locally sourced jacket farmers all the way... Are you making jackets on the side? I have to. I have to.

I go to the Salvation Army and I... And you just pick up jackets and say, is that your jacket? I cut a hole in it and I sell them online for 19 bucks. A hole in it? Where? Like in the sleeves or something like that. Oh, okay. Distressing? Yeah, you know, Michael Jackson style. Oh, no. We can't talk about him. He's canceled. Oh, okay. Well... I don't know if you've been watching HBO recently. I don't have it.

I bothered my dad's login, but then my dad said, you know what? I can't just get on the dole all the time. So I have to, yeah, I can't watch it anymore. That's too bad. You should really keep up to date with things that are going on in pop culture if you're going to work for Buzzard. Well, I mean, if I look...

Sometimes I'm just on art and I know a lot about art and I know a lot about. What do you know about art? And this is what I'm confused about. Well, I did a piece on this guy who only used Captain Crunch for his art. Okay. That doesn't sound like art to me. That sounds like it was in a gallery in a subway. Yeah.

In a Subway sandwich shop? Yes. Okay. I don't think that this is a gallery as much as they just have like... They're popping up all over the place. Believe me, I'm crushing the beat. You know, I'm watching improv in laundromats. I'm seeing it all. Some of the best new improvisers are in laundromats. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. You know, wash, fold, and say yes.

Okay. And that's what it was. Yes. And yeah. Okay. Fluff and fold. And yes. Something like a...

Fluff and Yes and Fold? I don't know. We're not going to figure this out today. Either way, I'm going to use that as an article title because I do need one for that one. Yeah. You've been writing the entire time you've been here, by the way. Yeah, I just actually published two articles while we've been talking. What were they about? Not about you. One was on the best jackets you can get that are locally sourced from Ohio. Okay, you were just reading back your own article then for that ad. Yeah, because...

90% of our site is ad-driven. Yeah, I would imagine almost all of it is ad-driven. What else would drive it? I guess content. But I mean, yeah, yeah. So it's 90% ads, 10% content. I see. I thought you meant where you get the revenue from. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It adds this like the page. When you go on the page sometimes, it's hard to figure out what's a article. Oh, really? Just a lot of pop-ups? Yeah. Or are they just embedded right there? Fun games and stuff. Like you can shoot like a penny at like Lincoln's head.

And if you do it enough time, you get like a free Amazon card, but it doesn't really work. You just get sent to the site that kind of steals your credit card information. Oh, okay. That sounds cool. Yeah, it's cool. I mean, look, Chip, I would get out of this business. I mean, this is draining your soul. No, no, no. Let me ask you a question.

Any spoilers for the upcoming season of Comedy Bang Bang? No, we haven't recorded them yet. I have no idea. I'm still trying to finish this one. If you would maybe end this interview. I'm not here. I'm just... You are here. I'm watching. I'm just a fly on the wall. I do need these tapes. I think the interview is going good. All right. Let me ask you a couple... Let's go to the phones. We... No, we don't take phone calls. No, wait. Why would you want to go to the phones? Okay. All right. That's...

You're not the host of this show. I thought we may have phones. Why are you on your phone right now, by the way? I'll ask you a quick question. Friends or Seinfeld?

Meaning friends. It's part of a larger quiz where we're asking a bunch of different celebrities, friends or Seinfeld. I wish Seinfeld was my friend. I worked with him once, but I wouldn't, I would say we're friendly. We were friendly to each other that day. Maybe. So you like, you like Seinfeld over friends. Well, I'm trying to think if I've ever met any of the, uh, the actual friends. Yeah. Oh, Jennifer Aniston. I guess I met her.

Courtney Cox? Never met Courtney Cox. I just did a big feature on Courtney Cox. Here's what I'm wondering, and I've asked this on the show for so many weeks and no one will tell me. How did the friends know each other before the first episode of Friends? Because we know Jennifer Aniston came in and was Rosson. Scott, did you watch the flashback episodes?

No, that's the thing. I would watch them if someone would point me to them or like, let me know like what the situation is, but I keep bringing it up. I keep asking and no one will ever tell me. It's like Twitter is a wasteland out there. No one, no. What? Yeah.

They all met at AA. AA. They're friends of Bill W. Yeah, exactly. That's so that that's why the show is so popular is because it showed how they respect the code. They never talk about it. Whoa. That makes sense. All in AA. Uh,

And I think that's what gives them this kind of edge. You know, they're trying to find happiness now that they have to stop drinking. Now that they have to restructure their life around what they can't do. They have this meeting at a coffee shop all the time. Oh, of course. That's why they drink so much coffee. Exactly. Okay. This all makes sense. All right. Yeah. And that's why Phoebe's sister on the show is an alcoholic still. Oh, okay. So they kind of shun her a little bit. Yeah. I would too. Yeah. Why wasn't she one of the friends? Because.

Because she's an alcoholic. It all makes sense. Yeah. I mean, there you go. Well, thank you. I finally got my answer. No thanks to any of the listeners out there. Yeah. All right. So we got the Seinfeld Friends. We got that. That's a piece. We'll put that out tomorrow. Okay. I really hope you don't. I mean, it just- Rank your seasons. Rank your episodes. There are no- Go. I've done almost 600 episodes. I can't rank every single- Okay. Top four. Episode what? What?

318. Got it. Okay. Um...

I don't know, 96? Yes, okay, great. Oh, that's a good one. Fan favorite. Yeah, I guess. 212. Oh, Andy Samberg. And 528. Okay, wow, that's great. That's a great list. All right, that's another article. Put that on the side. Okay, sure. Anything else I can do for you? Yeah, this is great. Why are you breaking these up into tinier articles? Because they don't seem sustainable. We've seen that the average length of a reader on our site is 15 to 35 seconds.

So what we try to do is try to put it in an infographic so you can kind of just get the gist at the top. And in the first sentence, if you, we try to have a three sentence rule on all articles. So right now, no longer than three sentence. Yeah. I mean, we do put like, um, like a dummy text underneath it. So it looks like the articles longer, but it

It really is those first three. So you just, you know, so it looks, you know, I actually don't mind that because anytime I see an article linked on Twitter and it has the headline, I'm like, I got it from the headline. Well, yeah, you've read my thing. Cute celebrity babies who grew up to be ugly old people. Who were, that is really mean. Who did you pick though? It was, there was a baby in a copper tone ad. There was a baby in his pasta commercial. And what we did was we, this is actually the most investigated journalism I did. I found those people, knocked on the door,

You don't have to give me the sound effect of the knocking. I appreciate it. Well, some places had doorbells. I refused to ring them because I just don't like robots. You don't like robots? Hate them. Wait, this is a whole side part of your personality that I think is very explorable. Well, that's why I don't work for the other things. I will not cover robot stories at all. Okay. All right. Yeah. So I knock on the door and I just grabbed a picture with my cell phone camera and I put them up and I said, ugly.

you know, ugly and cute baby, ugly person, you know? So it's, you know, it gives people hope if they were cute or if they were ugly babies, it will be a cute later on. Copper tone baby. Wasn't that like Jodie Foster or someone or what? Yeah. Did you go to Jodie Foster's house? I just take a picture of her and put her online saying she's ugly. Honestly, Scott, I'll tell you them. I didn't really do that much research. I just, I saw people at a local mall that I was at and I thought, Oh, it looks like the baby from the cup. Oh,

Oh, okay. You just took pictures of ugly people? I needed to pump out again. That was in the beginning when I was an intern. I was doing 25 articles a week. Are there a lot of lawsuits that you're part of? I can only imagine. You know what? I have been sued a handful of times. When you say a handful, you're holding up both hands. Yeah.

And your feet. And I'm also making a very wide gesture. So it's a lot like, so it's almost like a giant hand. It's like when you shake a pencil, go rubber pencil, rubber pencil. Right. Yeah. A bunch of them. So just countless lawsuits. Yeah. And a lot of them, you know, if you don't show up, they can't sue you. No, that's not true. What you're thinking of is traffic tickets. If the cop doesn't show up.

Oh. Then you get out of your ticket. I should pull back that article I wrote then. You wrote an article about that? That's going to cause some confusion out there. Yeah, just don't show up to the lawsuits. All right, now I guess I'm in deeper trouble. Are there liens on your property? Well, I mean, if you, okay, first of all, I'd have to own property to have a lien on it. Okay. Okay, so right now- Are you able to rent an apartment? I would imagine that you're unrentable. I mean-

I am a little bit. What I am actually doing right now, I'm writing, you can check out the website. I'm doing a seven-part piece called Living the Camping Life, Living in Your Car. And I am actually, yeah. So I'm just kind of talking about the fun of the adventure of car living. Okay. And so that's kind of, I'm using that to be a write-off. Yeah, well, on $30 a week, I mean. Yeah, I mean. It would be hard to get it. I live a little bit like a king. You're right. That's not really what I was going to say. Maybe Burger King, but. Ha, ha, ha.

Okay. So what do you know about Burger King? You know, standard operation. Does he run? Basically. Is he Trumpian or is he more like an Obama figure in your mind? Because I feel like. Is he a dictator or is he a benevolent? Yeah. Like, you know, I was going to say socialist or dictator, but whatever. Okay. Yeah. We were on two different sides of the aisle on this one, I think. But yeah.

I think Burger King, he's benevolent because, you know, one can go to McDonald's on one day and then still be a subject of the Burger King on another. I love that. That's an article. That's an article? That's an article. We're just doing it again. Hopefully you're getting a lot of different celebrities adding to that. It's not just me. And when I say celebrity, I am being very generous to myself. I got a lot of people. I'm going to talk to a lot of people. All right. So. Yeah.

Yes, Chip. Doing the music for James Corden. How long are we going, by the way? How many more questions do you have? I mean, as many as I can get out before you kick me out because I got to kick you out. I have to physically kick you out? That's the way I kind of run all my interviews. Okay. What is it like to do the music for James Corden? Is he a fun guy? I'm going to physically kick you out right now. All right. Thank you. Come on. Come on. Thank you, Chip. All right. See you later. Read the website. All right. Bye. Get out of here. Oh, God. Wow.

When I put out the call for all of our old favorites, I didn't know new people would be showing up. That was exhausting. But speaking of exhausting, we're almost halfway through the show, and...

It's time to party, it's time to rock and roll, it's got pew pew pew, air horn noises, etc. It's uh, welcome to the show, it's Gary Urbanski. Oh, thank you so much, I wondered if you remember my name. Of course I do. I wondered if you were going to be like, hello friend. You know, sometimes you do that, you see somebody on the street, you're like, hey guy, but

But you knew my name. No, I know your name. Of course, you've been on the show several times. You're from the windiest of cities. I am indeed. Then transplanted to this great state of California, then did get deported back to Illinois. And now I am back on a conditional visa. Provisional. Yeah, yeah. I didn't realize that we had the ability to deport people from state to state. Oh, you can't. If it's serious enough, you can't. But you know what?

worked it all out we worked it out so I'm back baby and it's your 10th birthday it's the show's 10th birthday I'm not a 10 year old man happy Halloween then you look beautiful you're not even wearing a mask where are your costumes Gary is the owner and proprietor or the former owner and proprietor of the urban ski store is that what it's key people thought it was urban sky may she rest in sky may she rest

I thought there was skis involved, too. I can't recall. No, it was wig and weave. Maybe the E sound from that is tripping you up etymologically. Well, also, I thought maybe I couldn't remember how it was spelled, whether it was spelled with a Y. Oh, it's S-K-Y because we're Czech. We're not Polish. Right. Got it. That's a big point of contention. Yeah.

You know, Dostoevsky said you can never really know what's in a person's mind. I did not realize that he said that, but that's so wise. Well, how could you? You never met Ronnie Dostoevsky. He grew up in my block. And how would I know what's in his mind? Absolutely. He grew up in Blue Island with you. Oh, wait, this is not the famous writer, Dostoevsky? I mean, he's written a couple of little poems in journals and whatnot, but I don't know if he's famous. Maybe on Blue Island he's famous, but other than that, I don't know. It's just Ronnie. Okay, well, there's a more famous Dostoevsky then who...

I suppose you're going to tell me there's a more famous Gary Urbanski then. I think you're the only one. Oh, well, then I'm the most famous one. Is there a more famous Scott Ackerman? Oh, no, I hope not. I pray not. Oh, are you? Otherwise, I think I got to sag first. I'm not sure. I don't know what that means. Are you the is there a less famous is what I should ask. I think I'm the less famous Scott Ackerman. Are you both somehow? Somehow. Well, hippie.

to the both of yous. Thank you so much. What have you been up to? Oh, gosh. Do you have any new businesses in the mix? Let's run down your former businesses. Oh, yeah. Well, originally, way back when I had a kimono store that I shouldn't even bring up. It's just it never did well. It never was going to do well. Then I did Urbanski's wig and weave, which, you know, of course, supplied a lot of hair care products, primarily for the African-American community. And then

I had a Pace Picante Salsa Medium, which was, of course, my Napa winery. It was beautiful. Very confusing, though, to name your winery Pace Picante Salsa Medium. I don't... I mean, not confusing to me. Dostoevsky. Then, you know, after that, I tried to sell some of my items for charity. After that, I...

I don't know. I've just been running around. But basically what it all led to is a mild case of racketeering that did get me deported from the golden state of California. How does one accidentally racketeer someone? I don't know. I mean, I thought we were just having a meeting about some trash cans on my block, and it turns out I had joined some sort of organized crime syndicate. I am not allowed to speak on it. Some sort of protection racket? Is that what it was?

Perhaps, perhaps. I just wanted more of those blue cans, you know? The big blue recycling cans. They're so great. You know, in Chicago, I don't know if you know this, but our recycling is not exactly, there's a big conspiracy. There's not exactly being recycled, you know? I've heard that about Los Angeles as well. They just, they throw it all in the trash. They throw it in one big bucket.

Well, I don't know, but I just wanted more blue bins. And so I thought I was joining a meeting about that. I'm sorry. They said the Fed said I can't be talking about this. That's part of my conditional visa. Allow me back in this day and age.

I see. But I did want to come back and just tell you thank you so much for promoting all my businesses. It did not help. No, I think they've all gone under. They've all sank and gotten me into legal trouble, Manny. Yeah, maybe I'm the problem? I don't know.

Maybe this show is the problem? Honestly, this is a confrontation. Happy anniversary. Explain yourself. I'm sorry. Look, you can stop being on the show if you like. I don't think that I can. No one's inviting you. I think every single time you just burst in unannounced. I feel like when I drive by this building and Sunset Boulevard here, I have to jump out and come in. It's just beckoning to you and calling to you? It seems rude to not stop by a friend. You drive by a friend's house, you don't go in and say hi? No.

No. That seems impossibly rude. How weird. Every single time you drop by someone's house, you just wander inside? You know, Scott, I think you're so Hollywood that you don't know. Like, in the Midwest, we have these values, right? Right. I don't think I have time to listen to values. Oh, my goodness. Someone's saying woo. I can't tell whether it's singing or a bachelorette party. Woo.

Announce yourself, whomever is- Hello. Hello. Can I talk now? I recognize that swastika. This is Charlie Manson. Oh, hello. The ghost of Charlie Manson. It's old Charlie Manson. Oh.

Cut blowing back in here as ghost as the day is long. You do look ghost as shit right now, if I can say so. Ghost AF. Ghost AFski. Ghost AFski. Oh, he lived on 63rd. Okay. Charlie Manson, you were on the show right before you died, and I think we recorded it...

merely days before you passed away, and then since then you've been on as a ghost. Yes, yeah, this show is my real bad luck charm. I'm going on this show, I think really... I apologize. You died right after all of your businesses died. Yeah, this seems to be a common problem. Yeah, have you ever wondered, is your show cursed, Scott? I've started to think that, honestly. I mean, you know, I hear about all these other shows like...

Serial and, you know... Yeah, Serial, nothing but good shit happening on that one. Well, I mean, yeah. Oh, yeah. Those lucky protagonists from Serial. I guess I mean the numbers are so big. Mine seem to have plateaued. Well, you know, nothing gets ratings like goofing about murder. Yeah, that's true. Maybe if I did talk about more murder. I mean, you were sort of murdered on the show. This could be... This is great! Oh, are we doing a true crime? Oh, here's the truth.

I was murdered. Scott Aukerman murdered old Charlie Manson. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not the one who's murdering people. As the host, I just want to talk about murders. But, like, if you were going to murder somebody, you should murder a real animal, like, no offense, sir, a real animal like Charlie Manson. Not an animal too scary. His animals really spook me, let me tell you. You ever seen a cat?

A cat? That's the scariest animal you could think of? Well, they look harmless, but then they open their mouth. They got those two sharp teeth on the sides of their little teeth. Andrew Lloyd Webber and I were talking about cats earlier in the show. Glad I wasn't there. Yeah, I mean, that's, it's a, I mean, have you heard about what they're doing? They're shrinking all of the actors for that movie and-

Making them two feet high? You know, honestly, that's even scarier than a big cat because with their two feet high, they can sneak up on you. Yeah, it seems crazy. I don't want to come across any of them. No, no. So you're right. That is very scary. I don't want to do that. Charlie, what have you been up to? You're a ghost, obviously. I can't remember what happened the last time we spoke. Well, you know, I was...

I was in. I had just become a ghost. Right. It was all new to you. It was all new to me. And now I've been a ghost for a year. I've been just ghosting around all over the place. You've been ghosting folks? Oh, I've been ghosting folks all the time. I say, hey, you want to get a drink? And then I blow up into the sky and I just look like an old sheet blowing into the wind. Well, initially you look like Charlie Manson. That's the scarier part. Do you want to get a drink?

With me, Charlie Manson? I mean, I think they would actually be happy that you ghosted them. No, Pete, everybody wants...

Charlie Manson's a real fuckboy, am I right? Well, I got long hair, and it's coming back. Yeah, classic. Yeah. I guess so. I don't know whether the aesthetics are really all that, you know, pleasing enough to overcome the fact that you murdered so many people. What do you mean? Would you make me over? Do you think I should be dressed in different? No, it's not. Should we do a queer eye? All right, yeah. Or we just test it out publicly?

Wait a minute, Gary, are you... I mean, I think one of us has to actually be... I mean, if we're going to do a true queer eye. Dang, you're right. Okay, so do we just... Why don't we do the straight guy part of the equation? Remember how it used to be queer eye for the straight guy? We'll just be the straight guys. I'm not gay. Don't you dare call me gay. Oh, Charlie Manson is as straight as the day is long. Charlie, is that one of your triggers? Oh my gosh. No, I'm

You seem real stressed out about it. You know, I just, I only love girls. That's, it just seems intense. You don't need the, you know. If I see a boy, I close my eyes. I don't want to see him. How did you survive in prison? Well, I always had my eyes closed. Yeah, I would think. I mean, you weren't allowed conjugal visits or anything. No, but I did get married, you know. You did get married, yeah. Forgive me, I don't recall every single detail of the Charlie Manson. I think knowing that much about you makes one a creep.

Well, I love creeps. You and TLC. Yeah. And Stone Temple Pilots. Oh. And Radiohead. Oh, yeah. Oh, excuse me, I'm coming in. Can't decide where to go, but here I am. Oh, no. I think the fact that I've mentioned cats. I heard you talking about cats before. Has summoned one of the stars of the musical Cats. When you talk about cats, then I have to show up. Pew.

It's the Rum Tum Tugger is here. Oh, my God. If you put me in a chair, then I'll sit right on your lap. If you put me in your lap, then I'll jump around the room. Is that Charlie Manson? Even Rum Tum Tugger knows who Charlie Manson is. Yes, I'm a celeb. But are you a cat or are you a man? Oh, funny question that you'd ask. I am both. Because I couldn't decide, so I had skin grafts.

Originally, the Rum Tum Tugger was the actor who portrayed the Rum Tum Tugger, then was tired of getting the makeup on every day. Was that? It's a lot of makeup to put onto your head. So if you have it sewn in place, then it's easy. So he got the skin grafts and now is forced to talk like the Rum Tum Tugger for the rest of his life. Honestly, it's easier at this point.

Well, I, you know, I'm just glad you're a man and not a cat. And I can relate to the skin grafts because I similarly carved a swastika into my face because it was too much work to draw it on every day. Hey, this is twice now we've heard the word swastika in the span of about 15 minutes. I'm just having trouble adjusting. I'm sorry, but that's such a big part of the Charlie Manson lore. I wasn't super familiar, but now I guess I know better.

I don't know how you really get around it. I mean, it's right there in the middle of his forehead. I understand not everybody likes it. I've been covering it up lately sometimes. How do you cover it up? Do you put like putty into it? Oh, really? It's bangs. Well, yeah, I got bangs. They're slicked back now because I know you want to see the old Charlie Manson swastika. No, I don't want to see the swastika. Pull those bangs in front, please. Okay, okay, watch. Scotty wants to see a symbol of hate.

So I welcome you here, ghost of Charlie Manson. But I don't know who could be hanging out after this. As a ghost, you think that you could actually like alter your physical appearance somewhat. There's more rules to being a ghost than you would even imagine. Well, Andrew Lloyd Webber and I were talking about angels, how, you know, we were we were wondering if they still had the feet. And he says they do. And they just kick like they're swimming when they're when they fly around. But yeah, are ghosts different? Yeah, ghosts are different. Ghosts.

You lose your feet. You do lose your feet. Right, yeah. I was going to say, I've never seen feet on a ghost. Yeah. Same thing when you're a cat. You exchange them for paws. Now you mentioned ALW. Was he here? He owes me 10 bucks. He does for what? 1983 opening night.

I bought him a tie and he didn't pay me back. Oh, okay. Now, I have a question for Mr. Tum Tugger. Absolutely. Is it Mr. Tugger or Mr. Tum Tugger? Oh, I prefer Mr. Tugger. Since I've been a ghost, I've had time to enjoy a lot of cultural events. And I recently blew well. What a weird sentence. Like, what are you talking about? Since you've been a ghost, you've had time to...

Go to cultural events? Yeah, because before I was so busy. Okay. And so I had time. I blew into the Pantages and saw the recent production of Cats. Oh, I see. A cultural event. A cultural event. I see. Because before I was so busy. Well, you were in jail. Yeah. You were in jail for decades. Yeah. And you know what they say? Nothing's busier than being in jail. Yeah.

That is true. That is what they say. So you have a question about cats? Yeah. Well, my first question, were you part of that production? I was not, but I stood in the wings nearby. Only one lady fainted. I consider that a personal best. Hey!

I know. I couldn't figure out. Now, what the heck is a Jellicle cat? That's the question no one has ever been able to answer anytime they see cats. I've been thinking about it for a long time because now that I'm a ghost, I got a lot of time to think on things. Sure, yeah. I mean, those cultural events don't fill up the calendar the way they used to. No, no. Right. So what is a Jellicle cat? Let me put this in play for you guys.

A Jellicle cat is what a Jellicle does. And a Jellicle does what a Jellicle is. Jellicle cat in the Jellicle sky. Jellicle you, me, guys. Jellicle, Jellicle in the bite. Jellicle cat.

Okay, thank you. I think that clears it up. I really want him to stop talking. Or singing or whatever. It's not even singing. It's like a comedy. It's not even rapping. It's a little bit like a robot was taught to speak and then got a little stuck. I don't know whether Rum Tum Tugger is an AI or not. Oh, if he's an AI, get me out of here. Really? You don't like AIs? Are ghosts afraid of AIs? What?

Well... They're unhauntable, I would assume. Well, AIs and ghosts are natural enemies, of course. Oh, I had no idea. Yes! I'm gonna need a software update soon. Are any of you fluent in Linux?

Sorry, I know Cobalt, but that's about it. Yeah, I know C++. Those'll both work if you have an HDMI adapter. Okay, I don't, unfortunately. Plug it in, plug it up, and get me rebooted. Okay, I think we've determined that Rum Tum Tugger is an AI of some sort. I'm Rum Tum Tugger, and I am an AI. What version are you? I'm version 10.0, Leopard Snow. Okay, well...

Oh my gosh, this is enlightening. I feel like I'm learning so much, Scott. I take back everything I said about how your show is cursed and how no thinking person who can read should go on it. I don't remember you saying that part of it. I said it all. I wrote it on this table. I take it all back. Charlie Manson, you need help, but since you are a ghost, I don't know where you're going to get it, but you have a lot of time to get it, so please, you know, explore your therapy options.

But I do have to leave because my ankle bracelet is starting to shock me. Oh, really? Which means I shouldn't have ever come. So I got to go. Yeah, well, I appreciate you all dropping by. It's so nice to see you all. I mean, I guess it wouldn't be a 10th anniversary without Charlie Manson and his swastika coming by. That is my cue. That is the last time I needed to hear it. Okay, thanks. It's only for you. Woo!

Goodbye, ghost of Charles Manson. Oh, I can't say good to see you, but interesting nonetheless. Boy, that was spooky, definitely. And I think that... Oh, okay, hello. Scott Lee! Scott Lee, are you in there? Oh, look, it's our boy Scott Lee! Oh, my God!

Oh my gosh! Is this who I think it is? Is it Bevor Hopox? That's me. Chico Hands? You got that right. And Bisbee St. Hancock? Top of the afternoon. Collectively known as... The Calvin Triplets! Scott Lee, what is with all these balloons? Well, it's my 10th anniversary of the show that you have appeared on a scant few times. You're whoreson! I'm

Is that a term in the horse fighting business for you're doing well, you're having fun? Oh, my God. I didn't even realize what I was doing. I guess it is now. Yeah. That's right. As a horse fight promoter, I should have taken better advantage of that. But no, I just came up with that on the spot. You did? Okay. You mean, am I fooling with you? I thought you was messing. Ten years, you don't look like you could be a day over 16. What?

I started this when I was six. Yes, thank you so much. It's so good. For those of you who don't remember, but I can't imagine anyone who doesn't, these three gentlemen are...

promoters of horse fights where horses beat and stomp each other to death. More punching than stomping. There have been some changes to the rules. We're trying to eliminate stomping. Oh, really? So this is like the NFL where every year they come out with new rules in order to, new rules. There's a whole team of scientists analyzing. I thought Bill Maher might show up. It's Bill Maher.

No, he's not. Oh, we love Bill Maher. He's not. We may have some new no-nos, but. Okay. But, yeah, so what are the changes to the rules that you have? This year alone is padded boots. Padded boots. Padded boots for the horses? For the hind hooves. Hind hooves. Oh, okay. And then the boxing gloves, of course, for the front hooves. Yeah, it's always been those big inflatable boxing gloves. For safety purposes. Thank you, Bisbee. That's all right. I'm fine. Don't worry about it.

Everything okay, Bisbee? I'm fine. He seems a little addled, almost as if he's taken a few too many horse punches. For safety reasons. I'll tell you what, the reason we're here, Scott Lee, is because Bisbee, he had a doctor's appointment upstairs. So we just happened upon. Oh, really? At the doctor's office? Just two floors above?

That's right. True Laws Above Earwolf Studios. Is everything okay? That's 44 steps. Thank you, Bisbee. Thank you. Yes. Everything all right, Chico? Well, we're going to find out once we get word from the doctor. That's how doctors work. Oh, okay. But is something bothering you? No, not me. No, Bisbee. Oh, it's Bisbee. Yeah. Oh, right. Sorry, Chico. I thought you were the one who went to the doctor. No, no. Bisbee went to the doctor. What are some of his symptoms? Well, we all went to the doctor. What?

Yes. Sure, for support. Okay. Be a little bit more literal, why don't you? Okay. We all stepped into the doctor's office together. That was sarcasm. Oh. Me too. No. No, it was not, Bisbee. No, Bisbee, you don't want to get in on the Me Too movement that way.

You want to do it honestly. Yeah, right. So, Bisbee's been acting a little strange. He's been suffering from what can only be described as the horse mumps. The horse mumps. What exactly are the horse mumps, and can one be inoculated from them? Well, four months ago, I came down with the horse mumps. Woke up, they came in, gave me my bucket.

What is the bucket? I don't think we've ever covered. What bucket do you receive in the morning? Each morning we wake up and we give each other buckets to relieve ourselves. Oh, okay. You have a beautiful new stadium, I thought. State of the art. State of the art. Waterless urinals.

Wall-to-wall. Waterless. It's one large urinal that goes around the circus. Dry with pipes. But in the sleeping quarters, there are no working plumbing? Well, that goes back to our youthful days. That's right. We could have all the work.

Working plumbing we want, but just out of custom, we prefer a bucket. You prefer the bucket. It's like a hipster when he uses vinyl wreckage instead of an MP3. We love using the bucket in the morning. It's retro. It's a retro body. It's retroactive. What I find interesting is you give each other buckets instead of just having one that you keep. But you wake up in the morning and give each other buckets? That's right. You're assigned another person? Everyone flips over a cup.

and depending on which card, that's what bucket you receive. So, Bever and Chico, do you ever get each other and then Bisbee just flips over his own card? Then you have to redraw. How often does that happen where you have to redraw? No joke, no joke. There was one time where it took 14 hours. 14 hours. For 14 hours straight. For three people, it's very, very difficult. We're not going anywhere until bucket disbursement has happened right and proper. Yeah.

You know how hard it is to hold your insides for 14 hours while you're going through this? Why not just pick out your own buckets, guys? Well, it's just not tradition. I thought we mentioned our preference for custom. Right, okay. So you woke up, someone gave you your bucket, and you gave someone else their bucket. That's right. And I realized I had some mumps on me. Okay, these are splotches or some sort of discoloration? No, they're mumps.

Okay, when you say mump, you mean... It's a mound and a hump. Google it. Is that what mump is? It's an abbreviation of mound and hump. It's a portmanteau of mound and hump? It's a portmanteau, that's right. If I know anything about diseases, stuff is exactly what they sound like. Right, so a mump is like, you can pretty much visualize. It's a mumpy bump. It's a humpy, mumpy bump. That's right. And you had one of these or more? Right.

Beva reminded me that I hadn't gotten my horse mumps vaccination. Oh, no. If you're going to be working with horses, you have to get that. Well, that would have been smart, wouldn't it? Scott, can you come over here? Let me whisper to you. Oh, okay. What are you guys doing over there? You come over here, too. Yeah. I should be included in this. Bisbee, you just occupy yourself. Hold on. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Yes, Chico? I think the mumps might be seeping into his brain because he thinks.

He thinks he has horse mumps when quite clearly he has pony mumps. Okay, I don't know the difference. Are the size of the mumps different? Of course. Oh, they're smaller. Smaller. Smaller. Not as developed. Okay, so it's like the smallpox is different from the chickenpox. Well, there's bigpox. Right, yeah. Smallpox. So you think that one pony mump has just seeped into his medulla amblogata? Yes.

If I'm saying that correctly. Well, you're the doctor. I'm not sure. I'm not the doctor. You just saw the doctor. We're worried about his brain. Oh, my gosh. We're worried about his heart as well. Oh, no. We're worried. What the doctor has explained to us upstairs is that with horse mumps,

You can just sort of drink enough water and eventually it'll take care of itself. Right. Pony mumps, they're young, they're strong. Young, strong. They are viral. They are deathly viral at any moment. They just run through your blood like tiny ponies and you can't find them. And if it attaches to any of the organs inside your body, that organ will explode. Oh, no. You need most of those. Yeah, that's from what I understand. Oh, my gosh. Is there any cure?

90, 91. Well, we hope we find one. You're just going to find one? The doctor didn't suggest any? We're waiting for an email from him. Okay, well, if you get one during this taping, please let me know. I promise we will. You'll hear the sound of an email coming in. Of course we would. Bing bong. It'll be like a...

Okay. But that wasn't it, right? That was just my mouth. That was your impression. Okay, yeah, yeah. 100. Oh, come on back, Bisbee. Bisbee. Do you mind if I, you were wearing a hat of some sort. Mm-hmm. Do you mind if I take a look at your scalp? Not at all. Oh, boy. Here we go. Show them that scalp. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, that hat is stuck to your skin. The skin's coming off. You're going to have to move up to an 11-gallon. Oh, my goodness. There it is. The seeping pores on top of that head. Fumes. When did you lose all of your hair? Well, that's one of the symptoms of horse mumps. Horse mumps, yep. That's classic horse mumps. That's classic horse mumps. And they say, though, the sooner you lose your hair...

Well, the sooner you're going downhill faster, and that's why we came by today. I wanted to say goodbye to you, Scotland. Oh, this doesn't necessarily have to be the end of you, Bisbee. I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of people who drink enough water when they get horse mumps. That's right. That's the cure, like the doctor said. That's true. You got to drink that water, teeter-totter, and please your daughter, because you're staying on longer.

Because you drank your water, got rid of them horse moms. Right, so... Please, your daughter. Not sexually, Bisbee. No, I wasn't saying it like that.

Oh, you were being sarcastic. Yes. Now we're both on the same page. We taught him a new word. So drink up. I mean, you have some water there. It's just water help with pony mumps. Oh, no, it's bad for him. It's bad for him. Why are you... It's terrible because we've got to keep away from the illusions. Right, just for his state of mental health. I don't know how long I can keep this from him. I feel worse. Hopefully long enough for an email to come in. I mean, we'll hear the sound. Yeah, it'll be like...

But that was not it, right? No, again, that was just my mouth. That was your mouth, right, yeah. I feel very much worse. Oh, my gosh, Bisbee, you look seconds away from death's door. They say that at the last minute, you'll know you're going because your heart will explode. Your heart will explode, and that's how you'll know. That will be the last clue. The last clue, just suddenly you'll... That's what you'll get. Will it be like a...

By the way, that's not the sound of your heart exploding. It'd be more like a... And that's not the sound of the email yet. No, that was my mouth. You made me check. You did a phantom check? I checked on my flip. I want you to know, though, I appreciate everything all you've done for me. Yeah. Well, I would hate to see if the Calvin's triplets went back to Calvin's twins. Why? Why?

Just for progress sake. I mean, it seems like the next step would be Calvin's quadruplets. Yeah. And then after that would be Calvin's. What was that? Andy Richter show. Quintuplets. Quintuplets. That's right. That's our favorite show. Oh, really? Yep.

Well, maybe you could watch an episode and cheer up your spirits. That's a good point. Do you mind putting it on? Sure, yeah. We have several. We have the videotape right here. Yeah. Just occupy yourself. It was under Andy Saves the Universe. Your box set of Andy Saves the Universe. Well, you know, it should be under Q. It was under A. I love this episode. Guys.

He doesn't have much longer to live. You've got to get him off the water. How long did the doctor say he was going to take? I don't know. With the email? With the email, yeah. He said he was going to see several more patients, then go to lunch. What? Then tea time at the golf course. Oh, no. See, he's drinking tea at a golf course? Why? I think so. He's a very fancy doctor. Only the best for a Bisbee. Okay. So when did he say he would get back to you? After all that? I don't know. He said sometime therein.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Does he ever play golf when he's at the golf course? Does he ever, like, take a big swing like a... Let me check your phone. Oh, Scott. That was my mouth. I'm sorry. You're making a lot of whooshes. I've been waiting for the... Okay, yeah. Sorry. That was me. No. Why is he counting while he watches quintuplets? Is he trying to count the actual... He's fascinated about television structure. He would have stopped at five.

Oh, my gosh. 72, 73, and let's go to commercial. Maybe I should send an email to the doctor. Send an email to the doctor. All right. Does it make the same sound when you send it as when you receive one? I believe it does. Okay, so. No, mine makes a clip clap. Oh, that's right. That's going away. You bought that amp. That's right. Right. Okay, you're a quick typist, by the way. You seem to be done with it. All right, send it off. Here we go. Okay, it's sent. Great. All right, well.

Now I guess there's nothing to do but wait until... In silence. In total. I have a feeling just a little more water and... I think that's a good idea, Bisbee. Sure, because take some of mine. If you have the horse mumps, that'll cure it. Guys, don't you think maybe he should save it for later?

Oh, his nose just fell out. Oh, my nose. My nose. It's in the glass. Oh, God. Well, if it's in the glass, drink it. That's what I always say. That's just part of the saying, isn't it? Yeah, if it's in the glass, drink it. If it's in the glass, drink it. If it's in the bucket, dump it.

If it's in the other room, take it to the sawmill. How often do you say this? Without exaggeration, a hundred times an hour. It's true. Guys, thank you so much for dropping by. We'll never get resolution on this, it seems, because this doctor is just... Oh, God. Everything all right, Bisbee? Bisbee! Bisbee! Oh, my God! Was that Nima?

Was that Venus? Oh, yeah, it's Pony Moms. Oh! Bisbee's heart exploded. And one of his buttons flew off his shirt, and it's ricocheting around the studio. It's still ping-ponging. Look out! It's going to catch an eye! Ping-ponging. Sing-songing. Ding-donging. Oh, my gosh. Ring-a-ronging. Oh, Pony Moms.

Poor Bisbee, you hate to see him go that way. Oh, dear. Oh, man. But he's dead, and he's officially dead. Happy 10th anniversary to Scott Lee. Well, it wouldn't be an anniversary of this show without someone perishing on the show. Oh, boy. Terrible, terrible news. We'll drag him out. Yeah, he doesn't have any relatives other than you, does he? Oh, wait, someone's at the door. Not that I'm aware of.

Bisbee, is that you? Bisbee, you're on the floor, but I'm looking at you right here. I'm sorry, but who you've been spending the last six months with was not me. Bisbee! That's my twin brother, Jisbee. Jisbee this whole time! Ah!

What the hell? Impossibly. Where have you been, Bisbee? This is a big batch of horse apples right now. I was taken to a home and tied up by my brother. He was trying to infiltrate your horse fighting ring. Thank God you didn't let him. Oh.

Oh, God. You know what? So that's Gizby. That was just... And you know what? That makes sense because, one, he kept saying we should franchise all the time. In fact, he was saying that more often than what Gizby does say 100 times an hour, which is... Which is... If it's...

In the glass. If it's in the glass, drink it. That's what Bisbee said. Well, not the whole thing, though. Some of it. I say it a little different than Jules did. But I say, if it's in the glass, drink it. If it's in the class, learn it. If it's downstairs, crawl there. If it's up in the clouds...

Make it there. Take it to the end of the road. Take it to my favorite abode. You'll always remember me, regardless of whether you drink me. But if it's in the glass, drink it. It really is me! Hey, right!

Happy anniversary, Scotley. And of course, you were inoculated for the pony mumps when you were a child, right? I'm not sure about that. Oh my God, your brother is still communicable. His heart just, you've been... Oh, bismuth! Oh, bismuth! Slide your rolling chair!

away from here. Move from there. Give me a kiss. Oh, no. Chisby. Chisby. Shoot him. No. Shoot Fisby, too, just to be safe. Shoot the bitch. Shoot the bitch. The button and the bullet ran into each other and canceled each other out. Oh, my God. Oh,

I'm fine now. Oh! Oh, thank God, Bisbee. Who's that? Huh? Who'd you say? Wait, who? Oh, dear. I mean, yeah. Wait, do you have horse amnesia? Horse-nesia? Horse-nesia? Horse-nesia. Horse? No. Horse-nesia. Horse-nesia. Horse-nesia is... Oh, right. I forgot. I also have that. Oh, you do? Yeah. Let's hear it.

Do you not remember who you are? Wait, who are you?

Well, of course I'm Scott Aukerman. I'm celebrating 10 years of Comedy Bang Bang. Good for you. I'm out of here. Bisbee, no! These are your br- Oh, dear. Oh. Live your life! He's gone, and the last thing he said was live your lives. Wow! Great advice. But still, what a kiss-off to his brothers. What an unexpected turn of events. I'm flummoxed. I'm hurting in my stomachs. Yeah. I'm trickstromoxed.

And it's a big old bummix. I agree with you. Wow. You didn't even know that he wasn't a triplet until a few years back, but now the loss must be immeasurable. Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm struggling with the loss of—I'm excited for us. Let me retrace. Yeah, rephrase, please. Yeah.

I didn't know about Jizby. I didn't know about Jizby. This is all new information, the Jizby thing. Surprise reveal. Did Bisbee never mention a brother or a twin brother? No, not to us. And so I'm still kind of coming down from the height of being a quadruplet. Right. That much closer. And also the loss of Bisbee presumably being dead. Right. So a lot of steps to process at this point. You're leapfrogging because being excited about Jizby. Yeah.

Losing what I thought was Bisbee. Right. Finding out it was Jisbee. Right. Being sad about losing the Jisbee. Yeah. Being your forward for finding the Bisbee again. Uh-huh. Then realizing the Frisbee's Bisbee.

So we can go to the beach after this, play a little frisbee after. That's right. A frisbee was holding a frisbee the entire time. Yep. Yep. Well, that's ours now. Sorry, dead guy. It's covered in heart blood. Right. We've been inoculated for pony months, so it's of no concern to us. So it's no problem. No problem. So a lot of steps to go through, but... So much emotion. At this point, you have lost a quadruplet, and you've lost another quadruplet. You've lost the triplet. Gained...

Lost. Rediscovered. Found. Just be still alive for a second there. And then you guys shot him. So reanimated. A lot of guilt trying to drip from his open sores onto his, I guess, our...

Quadruplet brother Bisbee, who's still alive. Yeah, we never knew it while he was alive. Bisbee survived that. Yep. Bullet button ricochet collision. That was a wild ride. Yeah. Bisbee blown a fuse with his horse-nesia. Yep. He's out wandering Hollywood Boulevard right now, for all we know. For all you know. I mean, what could he be doing? What would a man with no memory be doing? He's had the Ripley's, believe it or not. Okay, yeah. I mean, it's great if you've never been.

Oh, I've been. He won't remember if he should believe it or not. Right. He'll just be like, all right, I don't know. He's going to forget it. Well, guys, this is a terrible turn of events. We're sorry to rain on your parade. It's quite all right. I mean, what is the celebration for? For family and to encounter people and their problems. So I hope that this works itself out. I mean, please promise you'll come back. We'll be searching the ends of the earth to try and find Bisbee and bring him back into the fold.

What's that? What's going on? I think I got an email. Did you get an email? Oh, hold on. I'm going to read it to myself. It's from Bisbee. He emailed me. I'm going to read it to myself, but you'll probably hear my internal monologue in Bisbee's voice. Oh, okay. That's a good plan if you can do that. Let's see here. Dear brother. My dearest brother. Wow. That is what he sounds like. Please share this with my other brother and my dead brother I left on the floor.

So it seems he doesn't have horse-nesia anymore. I'm sorry to leave. As soon as I left, I'm sorry to inform you that I fell up the stairs back to the doctor. All the way up to the doctor where they informed me that I also had horse mumps. In not just a normal way. I had pony horse mumps.

This doctor doesn't seem good at what he's doing. Just tell people that. I'm surprised he's back from the golf course already. That's true. That's a fast T. Is pony horse the correct term? We're splitting hairs here. Let's just listen to his internal monologue again. Great idea. That might have auto-corrected. Pony horse mumps is not exactly what it's called. It's called pony horse mumps. Sorry, it corrected again. Hold on. It's pony horse mumps. It's pony horse mumps.

They told me I have pony horse mumps, and I should be fine. Wait a second. I'm sorry. I'm new with this Android phone. It's pony horse mumps that I have, and I don't know. They said that I could pass any time between tomorrow and 60 years. So I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I don't know if I ever want to put my weight upon you guys. I'm

Live your life. Everybody live your life. Oh. God, I hate pony horse moms. Signed, Biz Biz. Wow.

Wow. He never caught us up with how he lost his horse-nesia. No? No. But still. It was probably from the pony horse mumps. Or whatever. You kept getting autographs. Maybe you just meant pony mumps. It's just pony mumps. It's probably just pony mumps. Here, let me open my phone and type in pony horse mumps and see what comes up. It could be puny, huge, mumps.

Monk? Are you getting a did you mean? Yeah, exactly. It could have been phony, phony hump monkey. No, that's definitely okay. It doesn't sound like what it is. It could have been...

It could have been... Let's see here. It could have been Puke Hats Mouse. Could be. That's a possibility. That's a possibility. Yeah, that's definitely... Puke Hats Mouse. He either died from pony horse moms or Puke Hats Mouse. Wow, what a terrible way to go. I can... I know why he doesn't want to be a burden on you. I mean, it's terrible to see a relative in that state. Yeah. So this is bad stuff. So he's out there, you know, walking the ends of the earth like...

Dr. David Banner in The Incredible Hulk, and you'll probably never see him again. He could be gone today. Could be 60 years from now. That's a pretty broad range. Well, no matter what, here's what I hope, that we're here celebrating 70 years of comedy. Bang, bang. And he walks in. That would be perfect. And drops dead. And drops dead right in front of us. On the 60th year. Wow, that would be amazing. On my 70th, but yeah.

Well, guys, thank you so much for being here. Please catch us up on what happens with this situation when you come back. We'll send an email. Absolutely. You'll hear. Yes, definitely. And the good thing about you guys is you have such positive outlooks.

And I believe it all comes down to your just the way you live your lives. You know, that's right. Listen, listen, Scott Lee. Some people have successful comedy podcasts. Other people grow up on a ranch where they don't have an outhouse and have to crap and pee in a bucket with their hand to each other and their siblings and their folks. And they grow up estranged from their quadruplets. And one of those quadruplets tries to.

to tie up the other one and then pretend to be that third quadruplet and then gets pony mumps and even though we tell him it's horse mumps and dies from it and then the third quadruplet comes back and he is here but then he decides to leave because of his horse Nisha and then finds out that he actually has pony horse mumps. Which could be instead pony mumps. Which could be pure cat's mouse. Oh, that too. And at the end of the day when you've spent a lifetime...

Promoting horse fighting, seeing beautiful, majestic beasts beating each other to death on a daily basis. You just know.

You gotta laugh. Oh, guys. Thank you so much for being here. Beaver, Chico, the Calvin's twins. It's better. Sorry. We'll see you next time. Thanks for dropping by. Bye now. All right. We need to go to a break. We will be right. We're at the halfway point. This is exciting. We will be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

Hey, everyone. Scott Aukerman here. And this is just the end of part one of the 10 hour episode celebrating Comedy Bang Bang's 10 years. If you want to hear part two, just switch over to part two. It should be right next to this one, wherever you get your podcasts and the fun can continue. So we'll see you over there.

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