Best of 2020 Part 1
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Guess who's got two thumbs? And yes, I am thinking of one specific person. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Mm-hmm. Thank you to TootieButt2DeeButt for that. Mm-hmm.

For that wonderful catchphrase submission and welcome to... Welcome to Mos Eisley Candida, it seems. A hive of scum and villainy? Is that what it is? A more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

You will be hard-pressed to find... Is that what he says? You will be hard-pressed to find... In your neck of the woods. That's right. In your neck of the woods. And then he announces who's turned 100 on Tatooine. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Pretty lady.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, the best of 2020, part one. That's right. Part one. Out of how many parts? Question mark? No, out of four. Oh. With an exclamation mark, though. Sure. Sure. All right.

I like to say exclamation point. I say exclamation point too, but during one of our clips, I pointed that out to a person saying, why do you say exclamation mark? Because I thought it was just point, and then I looked it up, and either are fine, and so I felt stupid. So I cut that out of the clip. Smart. Either are fine, but if you already have mark for question, you don't say question point. That is a good mark. No one says question point. I mean point. That's a good mark. Oh, hi, Mark. Hi.

The room. Oh, high point. Sometimes I'm this room. I, uh, the room, of course we're talking about. The room. The room. Boy, those Bears fans, they never quite got into that. Ditka, you went to the movies, what'd you see? The room. The room.

The movie's not quite as enjoyable. I remember when I saw it the first time, I was like, this is a new Rocky horror. I'm going to come back next month when they show it. And then it was boring the next month. Yeah, it's terrible. Yeah, it's not a fun watch. Not a fun rewatch. And you know what? It bothered me that people tried to Rocky horrify it in theater. Because I saw it once in theaters and it really bugged me.

The Rocky Horror part of it? Yeah, you can't just make this. Rocky Horror is a unique thing. You can't just say, I will do that with this.

Well, then again, I mean, the person who invented Elvis, or invented rock and roll, I mean Elvis. Yes. He invented rock and roll, then suddenly everyone started copying it, and now we have a wonderful... Yes. Scott. What's that now? He did not invent rock and roll. Certainly he did. Elvis Presley. I can't think of a single person who did any rock before him. Elvis Aaron Presley, the brother of Jesse Garron Presley. That guy who's dead at Graceland. Yeah. Yeah.

He did not invent it. He is the room to Little Richard's Rocky Horror Picture Show. Little Richard and the Rocky Horror Picture Show have a lot in common, now that I think. I would love to have seen him star in it. Their similarities are greater than their differences. That's right. The little V is eating up Little Richard rather than...

Rocky Horror Picture Show? Is that what? The little V. You know the greater than and less than thing? The way I learned it in school was that imagine it's like Pac-Man or a monster and it's eating the big thing. Does that make sense? Yes, it does. Okay, very good. Yes. Is that how you remember it? Yes. I remember my teacher once asked me, how do you tell the difference between lowercase d's and b's? None of your classmates can. And I said, I don't know, that one's a d and that one's a b.

You're being a D and calling me a B. You're being a D and a B. So get out of here, you dick bitch. Ever thus to dick bitches. The immortal bard. By the way, I am Scott Aukerman. This is the best of Comedy Bang Bang podcast.

Part one of 2020. You said that already? All of that? And we are outside. Paul F. Tompkins. Yes, hi. Jesus Christ. I mentioned your name. You reach back into the midst of time. I never said that we were outside. Not that part. You reset. That is the best of 2020. Before you even introduce me. Sure. Me? A guy who's here? You dick bitch. Ha!

All right, that's going to be the new thing for 2021. That is going to be the new thing.

I do want to, well, I wanted to set the scene and tell you what is going on. This is the, every year we play, oh, mercy, mercy me, The Ecology. I tell you, what a beautiful song. And then for it to be about the ecology? Turns out it was important. Yeah, it's important, but I remember when I heard it, I was like, we should have listened to that song. It should be a love song. It should be. To the ecology. To the ecology.

And what like I've never seen such a boner drop of a parenthetical like mercy, mercy me. That's such passion filled. Like what a relation to what an angsty, you know, romantic relationship. And then it's like, no, no, no. The ecology. Wait. So it's mercy, mercy me. Parentheses. The ecology. Yeah. In parentheses. Is that song not called What's Going On?

There are two different songs. Do you think all songs are the same? Aren't they? Let me sing one for you. I like songs. Let me sing one for you. Sure. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Mercy, mercy me, the ecology. I thought that was what's going on. Wait, doesn't he say... Mercy, mercy me goes this way. Oh, mercy, mercy me.

Things ain't what they used to be. Which sounds like it should be about like a one, you know, oh no, you and I broke up and we need to get back together. This is fucking with my head. Okay. All right, so how does what's going on go? And don't do the chorus. Don't do the chorus, okay. It goes... I've been really trying. No, that's not what's going on. Let's get it on. Oh, you're right. What's going on is... Let's go...

it is, isn't it? Oh, no, that is what, let's get it on. What is, what's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? Yeah, that's the chorus. What's going on? The song doesn't start, what's going on? Do I need to find this on the internet for us to, otherwise we're going to have unfinished business. Unfinished business. And then we'll be like ghosts.

I was perhaps not quite prepared to play clips on the internet, but talk for a second while I look for this. I'm very prepared to play clips on the internet, and it's weird that Scott's doing it because I'm over here. You cannot even imagine the setup that I have on my side of the patio. Okay, here we go. I'm going to...

Oh, no, I can't do it. You can't do it. I can't, after the fact, record a clip, but I can put the computer or my phone up to the mic, which is what I will do. Put your phone up to the mic. Put your phone up to the mic. Put your phone up to the mic. Put your phone up to the mic. Put your phone up to the mic. All right, here we go. By the way, you know him from... No, you shut up. You know him from...

That show where she's tattooed. Fantasy Island. You know him from his own podcast, The Neighborhood Listen, the Star Trek Directive. Star Trek, the pod directive. Star Trek, the pod directive. Stay at home. Stay at home. Freedom. Freedom. That's right. That's one that we do together along with she who shall remain nameless.

Paul F. Tompkins is here. Hi, everybody. It's my pleasure to be here at the year end. This is an ad before him. Oh, I was going to say, I don't remember this part. December to remember. December to remember. We are taping this in December, and it is December when you're listening to this, perhaps. Maybe you'll remember. Okay, here we go.

I just want to ask a question. Oh, good. You found the weirdest version. Okay. This is the official video. 2019. All right, let me find a different one. Hey, guys, we've really been slacking off. We've got to make an official video for Marvin Gaye's What's Going On. Yeah, everybody's talking. Okay, this is from the album, I believe. Mother, mother. Okay, now I remember. That's right. Okay.

I got to hear Mercy, Mercy Me now. Okay, here we go. I think it just, doesn't it start with, Mercy, mercy me. All things ain't what they used to be. Toobin. No, not Toobin. Jeffrey Toobin. Toobin or not Toobin? Now you can understand my confusion. Yeah, they sound identical. Whoa. Mercy, mercy me.

All things ain't what they used to be. Ooh, good question, Marv. Question mark. Whoa! So, but anyway, my point being, like, shouldn't that song be about love? Doesn't it make it a little more... Shouldn't we love our planet? Oh, I fucking got him! Earth snaps! Earth snaps!

Paul F. Tompkins is here, and we are outside. We are in my backyard. Let me explain what you're listening to. Every year, we count down the top choices from the listener votes of the episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that occurred in the previous year. The listeners vote for them. We count them down from an indeterminate number.

And Paul F. Tompkins and I, Paul F. Tompkins is a frequent guest and collaborator on this show. Yeah, that's true. I'm a collaborator. Shave my head. He comes by and we listen to these clips and we count them down every year. And normally we do this in the studio, but due to circumstances occurring in the world...

This year, we needed to do it outside. We needed to do it socially distanced. We are about 20 feet away or so. Interesting you didn't say circumstances beyond our control. I had nothing to do with this. Now, here's where I have a little confession to make. Okay. I started...

COVID. You started it back in 2001. I am responsible for the novel coronavirus, COVID-19. Sure. I didn't mean to do it, but I'm also not ashamed of it. And you're not sorry about it. Like it turned out. I'm not even sorry, not sorry. I'm just not sorry. By the way, Paul, if you ever need to move any of these umbrellas to give you more shade, I guess I set them up.

for the time that we were starting and the sun moves. I don't know if you know how the earth revolves around the sun. No. What? A great big ball of fire in the sky. You ever see that? Goodness gracious. You created rock and roll.

In any case, we are back in my backyard this year. Gotta get back in yard. We are 20 feet away from each other. We have not touched like we normally do before we start. We're almost four Scott Ackermans apart. That's right. Well, that would be 32 feet, would it not? Do you think I'm four? I bet we're three away. We're like 20 feet. Oh, because you're over six feet tall.

Oh, how many would be four? Oh yeah. It would be six times four is 24, right? Yeah, you're right. Okay. 24. Oh, my math skills. So about 25. Yeah. We're about, we're about three and a half of me, maybe three. Uh,

And on this episode, we are going to be counting down numbers 16 through 13. Can you fucking imagine? We are going to be hearing four episodes on this. Can I ask? Sure. Why 16? Is it to make it equal four over four episodes? When I'm pulling the clips. Because four times four is 16. Right.

When I'm pulling the clips, I take a look at the whole show in general and figure out what has a lot of variety in the clips. Diversity hires. No, no, no. And then I also, if some episodes have really short clips, I can fit more into the countdown. So I don't know how many we've done in the previous years, but sometimes it's been 12, sometimes it's been 13. Can the episode really be that good if the clip is short?

That's a good question, but sometimes a short clip is really all you need because that's the part everyone remembers. Then the rest of the episode is shit. So how did it get in here? Now we're talking math skills. I, of course, and our producer, Kevin Bartlett, are the only ones who, and I guess July as well. Four times seven. 28? Yes.

Our producer, not producer July, but our collaborator July. What is July? Shadowy figure. I don't know. I've never known what he does, and I never will know. Well, for years now, a little top of show shout out. Sometimes he's on an email thread. Sometimes he's not. Top of show shout out to July.

July, for years now, has listened to almost every episode that I think the entire network puts out and writes the descriptions and comes up with the title. He did it for the entire network for a while. Maybe now he only does it for certain shows.

But he's definitely a – I'm searching for a word, a part of the show, an important part of the show. I was going to say we can't do it without him. What is that word that I'm searching for? Invaluable? Invaluable. That word, I tell you. Why make it – Oh, these words. These words. Why not just valuables? Words.

Carpet? It's not a car. It's not a pet. Words. Oh, no. I do not remember that. That was, I believe, Bob Odenkirk's imitation of George Carlin. Oh, thank God. Or maybe it was Rick Moranis' imitation of George Carlin. Either one. Rick Moranis is so funny. He's so good. He was so funny. Until that guy hit him, and it's all gone. I didn't like that that guy hit him. I know. Well, I guess we all get hit. Yeah.

what do we? Sure. I don't like this turn of events. Not all of us on camera. Can you name a human being who has never hit? Who's never been struck? Yes. Man, I don't know. I mean, some people are liars. That's true. So they're what? They're lying about being hit? No, they should get hit. Oh, they should. Oh, okay. I was using process of elimination. Okay. So you're thinking of all the people who should get hit. Yeah. Okay. Richard Spencer. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

Famously. Man, those videos of him were the Phil Collins song played. So funny. It was so good. I would love to see those, you know those kids who listen to songs they've never heard before? I would love the first time they ever listened to In the Air Tonight, if it was attached to that video. I think it would be great. Because they would get a double treat. Did you ever see the one somebody did it

They sent the music to this deer that is stumbling through a backyard playground. No. It's because the noises that the deer makes tripping over this plastic stuff sounds very close to that drum breakdown. Oh, in the air tonight? Yeah, so they use the actual...

In the air tonight up until the drum break and then it's this deer. I've seen other videos like that, like the deer one you're saying, where they use the drum break in the air tonight where it's like... It works every time. One of the best drum breaks of all time. One of the best DBs of AT. I can't think of another... Well, of course, this isn't a break. It starts the song, but of course, Be My Little Baby has one of the most famous drum openings of all time. Doom, doom, doom, tch.

I believe you're thinking of sexual healing. Now that song should have been about the ecology.

Like, if you're going to pick a song to be about the ecology, pick sexual healing. Oh, sexual healing. Yeah. Like, if we all have sex, we'll heal the globe. We'll heal the earth, yeah. Because that way we're not driving around in our cars, unless you're getting a little roadhead. Like, Night Moves. Wait, does he talk about roadhead in Night Moves? He's trying to make the front page drive in news. You think that's the only thing that could happen to put you on the front page of the drive in news? They're fucking in a car. Come on.

Come on. They go to the drive-in and they fuck in the car. Sure, but I mean. Scott, don't be naive. So every single day when the drive-in news comes out, the front page is someone fucked in a car. Extra, extra. Car fuckers caught. Wait, they have to be caught for it? Otherwise there's no evidence? That's how it's news. All news is somebody being caught. So the people who get away with it. Yes. They're not news. They don't want to end up in the headlines. No, I understand. Yeah.

So we're going to be listening to 16 through 13 today. I don't know about we. You got a mouse in your pocket? Yeah.

And then on Thursday, part two will come out, and that will be 12 through 9. And then a week from today, Monday, we will hear 8 through 5. And then a week from Thursday on New Year's Eve, we will hear the top four. And these are all voted on by you, the listeners, and...

this was a great year. We have some great clips. You are going to want to stick around and listen to all of these, uh, inordinately long episodes. Here's what I like is that everyone gets to vote and then Scott picks the ones that he thinks are best. Yes. Come on. That only happened once. Ah,

And there was one year where you got in there and started gaming the system and started not only voting for yourself. I almost did it again this year. Really? Before we even get to any of these clips, do you remember what one of your favorite episodes to perform in was this year?

Oh, Jesus. But what would you have asked people to vote for if you would have voted yourself into this campaign? Man, I honestly don't... This year has been a blur, has it not? This year has been a blur. Amazingly, though, this has been...

And there were a lot of challenges this year, and we'll talk about those a little later. We will talk about the challenges. This has been one of... We'll talk about the road rules challenge. This is going to be the reality show show. We will not talk about the real world. We will eventually turn into Hollywood Handbook. The reality show show. But this has been one of the comedically, I think, one of the better years for Comedy Bang Bang. It's been... I agree or disagree. Even though they're... Hmm, interesting. I don't know why you're here.

Even though there have been a lot of challenges, this has been a listening back to all of the clips as I was compiling them. This is a lot of good stuff this year and a lot of stuff that was not voted in that was really good.

And things in episodes that we don't even have great stuff in episodes that we don't even have time to listen to the clips for. So this is a really good year. And I think people are really going to enjoy it. And Paul, if you had to guess out of the top 16, how many episodes do you think you were featured in? Twelve. You're so confident. Honestly, I don't remember how many episodes I even did this year. I.

don't either. I feel like in normal times, I would average like one a month. Yeah, one a month. So you'd be in about 12. Including our tours. Not including our tours. Not including those because that's...

That wouldn't be included, of course. But yeah, you're in about, I think you did about between 10 and 12 this year. Did I really? Yeah, I think you did. Wow. I should look. But during one of the breaks, I'll take a look and see how many that you were actually in and how many you ended up in. And we'll see what your hits to misses ratio is. Misses? I mean, misters to misses. Dicks to bitches. All right, dick bitch. You ready to do this? Yeah, dick bitch. All right.

All right. We are going to start the countdown now. And this is, uh, final episode. This is final. This is my final answer. We're going to start. Uh, this is the episode that you voted on your votes. This is your episode. You did it. I cannot be blamed for this. This is your episode. Number 16. Number one, six. All right. Episode 16. Uh,

This is episode... What I usually do is I usually say the number and I say the date and try to see if Paul can remember what it is. And I never can. You never can. I never can. And this year, it'll be impossible because you don't even remember doing the show. It was all one long date. It was me sitting in that same chair looking at my computer screen. But that's...

again. That was 2020. Then again, in other years, we're sitting in just the studio doing the same thing. True, but not always same seats. Yeah, that's true. This is episode 672. Ah, yes. 672, and this occurred on September 7th, a.k.a. Labor Day.

Okay, no idea from Paul. And this is an episode called Busy Burgies. Here we go. Busy Burgies. And Paul, would it surprise you to know that you are in this episode? Scott, it would not surprise me because that title does ring more than a bell. Well, as we established last week, a bell is just a cup until it's struck. And I'm glad that you're drinking out of this cup because this was a great episode.

This episode features the performers. First of all, we- A cup is just a bell until it's turned upside down. How do you like it? Wait, you couldn't just turn a regular cup into a bell just by turning it upside down. Because you can't hit a plastic cup and have it be a bell. It's a cup. It's a cup. Until you hit it. It's always a cup. Until you hit it, then it's a bell. It can't be a bell because it will not have a dinging sound. Exactly. Exactly.

I don't think you're making the point that you think you're making. No, that expression is ridiculous. A bell is just a cup until it's struck. A cup is just a, what is it? A bell is just a cup until it's struck. Yeah, that's ridiculous. It's not ridiculous. No one's drinking out of a goddamn bell. How do you know? Although, am I sorry, it has a stem. It does. It's actually, if you take out that little dongle dinger in the center, what is that thing called? The clapper. If you take out the clapper. Clap off. Clap off. Clap.

Clap on, clap off, the clapper. Such a good commercial. Remember when we used to talk about commercials on this show? We talked about commercials a lot. Until people started. Here's what I think, that you could turn a bell upside down, and if you were drinking something that's not clear, like the chocolate milk. Sure. Or wine. I like how chocolate milk is the first drink that you can think of. Well, here's why.

Because then the clapper slowly reveals itself. It's fun. Like a child's cup. Almost like an olive in a martini. You're trying to get down to your... Well, no, you can see the olive. Sure, but I guess what I mean is that you're just enduring the martini until you can finally eat that olive. Well, I'm not going to eat that clapper. It's going to break my teeth off. What about the worm and tequila? What about it?

Did you ever see the movie Urban Cowboy? You know what? I just bought it because they put out a new restoration of it because I'd never seen it. And I saw that you did a watch-along. Yes, my wife Janie and I. I don't think the first time I watch it, I want to put on the watch-along. No, you shouldn't. Although, we watched it for the first time doing a watch-along. I guess, but it would be kind of, then I thought about it, it would be just like going over to your house and watching it. Doesn't that sound fun? It does.

It does sound fun. I haven't been to your house in over a year at this point. I know. Now I've turned you around on it. But in the movie, just this is a spoiler. I mean, is it a plot spoiler? It's not a plot spoiler. Is it one of the best parts?

No. Okay, go ahead. Scott Glenn eats a tequila worm. Whoa! What a spoiler. I wish I didn't know that. Wait, he just, like, takes it out of the tequila and puts it on a plate? Yeah, with a fork. Like Mickey's Christmas Carol. He slices it real thin. Ha ha ha!

What do they eat in a Mickey's Christmas Carol? I think a bean. A bean, yeah. I've never seen it, but I feel like I've seen a clip of it. You've never seen it? No, I've never seen it. I used to watch that every year. Mickey's Christmas Carol? Right around this time of year. Mickey's Christmas Carol. Yeah. I used to watch that every year in March. This episode, number 16, of course, Busy Burgies, has the performers Busy Phillips, who

Uh, our old friend from, uh, you've worked with her for many years in a thrilling adventure hour. That's correct. You know her from, uh, she was formerly on freaks and geeks and Dawson's Creek and Cougarton.

Frequent Spontaneanation guest. Very first guest and very last guest we had. And apparently there was a lot of unresolved issues between us that we settled on the episode of Are You Talking Heads to My Talking Head, which came out last week.

So apparently I said something to her backstage at a thrilling adventure that she took offense to. Interesting. Not offense necessarily, but she... It hurt her feelings. I think... It insulted her. I was apologizing, and during the break of the episode that we taped, I was also apologizing. And I think she brought it up in order to highlight how...

just like insecurities back in those days of like anything anyone could say to you would sort of set you off into a like, oh wait, where's my place in it? Because basically what it was, was I was doing the,

I remember that. Yes, yes, yes. That's right. And I was mentioning that. I have a great picture from that shoot. Really? Hanging in my home of you and I strangling each other. Oh, yes. I remember that. We're smiling. We're smiling. Big smiles on our faces strangling each other. Right.

And I think I was mentioning those to her. She asked what I was up to, and I mentioned, oh, yeah, well, I'm doing these for IFC, and we're having a lot of the stars from shows that they have in syndication on there, like shows like, you know, Larry Sanders Show and Freaks and Geeks. And she was like, well, I was on Freaks and Geeks. Why aren't you talking to me on it? And I think in my memory, I now realize that I...

At the time, I had to watch so many episodes of television in order to... Because I'd never seen Freaks and Geeks. I'd never seen all of the Larry Sanders show. I had to watch all of them in about three weeks straight in order to prep for this. I remember we went to... Can I say this? No, you didn't. I know. I know.

That was a mistake. But I didn't know anything about Freaks and Geeks. I'd never watched any of them. And so I believe Judd and Paul Feig were both on and Seth Rogen. Yeah. And so I think during the break, Busy and I, what I established was Busy, I think when I brought that up, I didn't even know you were on Freaks and Geeks. And I hadn't even watched it yet. Right. And then I felt bad and started saying like, oh, no, yeah, we'll get you on. And she was like, but wait, shouldn't I be on anyway? And she brought it up on the show.

Why didn't she bring it up on this episode, Busy Burgies? I don't know. I think maybe we did this episode, Busy Burgies, which came out in September, and we just taped this Talking Heads episode at the end of November, I believe. And maybe she'd been thinking about it because that brought it up in her mind ever since then. I see. In any case, we hashed it out. We're the best of friends again. I'm glad that has been restored. Yeah.

We're best friends now. Best friends who just got each other's emails. And in any case, yeah, she was on the show. Was she promoting something? I don't recall.

Well, she's got a new podcast. It was the podcast. Yes. Yes. She was promoting the podcast. She's doing her best. Yes. So she was on to promote her podcast. And we also have Ego Wotum is on the show. Yes. Who people will know from Saturday Night Live. They should. She is currently on the cast and just scored big a week ago with her Dionne Warwick talk show.

A very funny sketch. And the clip... So she is playing... Okay, by the way, this is the only... These are the only episodes. If you listen to Comedy Bang Bang just on any normal week, you will not hear the behind-the-scenes aspects of it. No, you're forbidden. It's none of your business. That's right. We want you to just remain confused as you listen to it. But what happens on the show is...

I usually talk to one person, one or two people as themselves, which in this case would be Busy Phillips. Correct. She is herself a celebrity and we're talking about her projects. Correct. And then we have other guests who come on who are comedians who are playing fake people. So every episode, and we don't talk about this when you listen to the show.

we just introduced these people as the people that they're playing. And, uh, then during the plugs, they usually, uh, mention their own name and what they're plugging, but during the show, uh, so this, this leads to a lot of people thinking a bit of subterfuge. This leads to a lot of people thinking that we actually have these, uh, weirdos are real people and that they're on the show. Sometimes in a lot of cases, Paul, you've played celebrities that exist. Uh, you've played, uh,

The one that I'm thinking of is Werner Herzog, who a lot of people thought, Werner Herzog is funny. He's on Comedy Bang Bang every week. And that was you, of course, doing it. It was me the whole time. The whole time? Yes. There was one episode where it was Werner Herzog. Yes, we don't want to say which one that was. See if you can pick it out. He was doing your impression of him the entire time. Yeah, that's right. You did a great job.

So in any case, in this episode, Ego is playing the CEO of Red Lobster, Tricia Seawater. That's right. Correct. Which she said was a name thought up by Carl Tart, she told us during the break. And you'll hear her and Busy chime in during this clip.

But the two people that are going to be prominently featured in this clip are yourself, Paul F. Tompkins, and Dan Lippert. Yes. Now, do you remember what happened in this show? Yes, I do. And should I give the backstory? Yes, all the backstory. I can start if you want, because I have even further backstory if you like. Let me tell it from what I know. Okay.

I do an episode of this show, Comedy Bang Bang. Sure. Do you want to talk about exactly what it is and how there's fake people? Yes. What it is, is there's a real celebrity, then somebody, a comedian playing a fake person, and there's credits at the end where they say, thank you to our guest celebrity and so-and-so as the fake person. No, we don't do that, actually. And I'm the star.

No, that's also not... I mean, some would say. So here's the thing. I do this episode, and I am trying to think of a character to do, and I think, oh, I could do...

The brother, I could do a relative of one of my existing characters. You used to, or maybe still do, you used to do an impression of Sully Sullenberger. Captain Chesley Sully Sullenberger, the hero of the Hudson. And why did you want to do the brother? Is it because you're trying to phase out doing real people in your impressions? Yeah, it was like how everyone I do an impression of is elderly. And they end up passing away.

And you can't do them anymore. So what if I were to do an impression of just make up somebody and have it be adjacent? You know, that could be kind of fun. And I thought... I beg your pardon? I said adjacent Manzoukas. Adjacent Manzoukas.

If I did, you know, if I'm doing Sully, what if I do his brother and there's a rivalry there and he's the opposite of Sully? He has a different nickname that's related to his name. He has a different occupation, you know, all this. But he sounds basically the same, although I did try to pitch it a little higher than the Sully voice that I do. But I'm sure it like within seconds it dropped. Right. It probably dropped. And so we do it and it's a lot of fun.

And then immediately afterwards, I get messages. Not immediately, but... Well, after the episode drops. No, no. Actually, it was... So let me cut in and tell you about the... Tell me what I heard about it. Tell me of my backstory. Hmm.

So a lot of times I don't listen to the episodes back. Now, that has not been the case since we've started here in quarantine because now I need to listen to all of the episodes back in order to... Because doing the show on Zoom is inherently a little awkward sometimes. And so I need to listen back to cut out like any weird awkwardness. Like every once in a while, there will be one performer who is hearing everything five seconds after...

because their internet is slower. And so we need to like sort of work out that. And Kevin, our producer Kevin, has been really good about that this year, cutting out all of the awkwardness before it gets to me. But a lot of times before the pandemic started, I wouldn't listen to the episodes back. They would just drop and I would immediately forget them as soon as we finished the actual episode. So about 11...

A little over a year ago, or maybe a year ago right now, the comedian Dan Lippert, who is in the... He's a good improviser and comedian on his own, but he's also part of the... He's great when he's with Big Grande. He came on the show, and he did a character called...

Bergie Sullenberger, who was a bus driver who crashed into a bunch of people or something like that. I can't recall.

He did it. It was very funny, but I, of course, forgot about it immediately. So when you came on the show and you pitched, hey, I want to do a Bergie Sullenberger, a bus driver, I thought, oh, that's a funny idea. Now, people have to know we have to pitch to Scott what our ideas are. No, when I say pitch, you just told me how to be introduced. There's a lengthy audition process. Yeah.

It's like a chorus line where I'm in the back. I'm like Michael Douglas. That's right. Dance 10 looks three. How are your tits and ass, by the way? Not great. So we did the episode and I did not remember Dan doing the previous episode. And so I totally forgot about it. And we did it probably on a Tuesday before it was going to come out the next Monday. And then the aforementioned July, who listens to all of the episodes back, uh,

retains a lot of knowledge about the previous episodes. He, on Sunday, usually the episodes are dropped at 9 p.m., but they need to be uploaded at 5, right? Right. At 4.45, I get a text from Kevin saying, by the way, July wanted to mention that Dan Lippert also did Bergie Sullenberger on the show about six months earlier. And I said, oh, no, no.

And it literally was dropping in 15 minutes and there was nothing to do about it. And I texted you Sunday night and was like, hey, man, that character you did, I guess Dan Lippert did it as well. And you wrote, oh, no, can we cancel the episode or something like that? I think you were saying maybe we shouldn't put it out. And I was like, no, it's like, you know, the deadline is like in five minutes.

And then we wrote to Dan with you as well on an email thread where you apologized and said how it happened. And Dan thought it was really funny. And we thought that the only thing really to do was to do an episode where both Bergies came together. And we're on. May I just say this?

I had listened to that episode. Right. That Dan did. I definitely had listened to it. Right. And I also completely forgot that he did that. And we're not saying that both of us forgot because it was not memorable. No. It was very funny. It's just when you listen to so much stuff or when you perform so much stuff, you can immediately forget it. So was there some sort of

or subconscious plagiarism going on, do you think? Or was it... Because it's really easy to get to Bernie Sullenberger from where you started. Yes. There may have been, but it seems weird that it would be so long...

that it would be so long afterwards. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's what's so strange about it to me. This is where I think it was just purely parallel thought is like, you got to it from wanting to do your Sully Sullenberger character, but without doing the real guy. Yes. And the first, it's just so, the awesome coincidence of it is, is that you both came up with the name Bergie. Yes. And Bus Driver. And Bus Driver. Taking the other half of his name, which is so easy to do, uh,

But you both came up with it. It's so funny. So I don't think it was plagiarism. I just think it was... No, I don't think it was plagiarism either. I mean, I don't think it was conscious plagiarism. I think it was a George Harrison, my sweet lord situation. Yes, that's what I think too. That I was trying to...

Write my sweet lord. I was trying to write my sweet lord, and I accidentally wrote he's so fine. And now they're both mad at me. Yeah, I was trying to come at this from a different angle. I ended up doing somebody else's angle. Right.

But it does. But it's also the first thought angle when you're trying to do a Sully. I feel like those two things are very, once you arrive at sibling rivalry. Right. Like, okay, Sully's got a brother who's jealous. What's like the opposite of everything? Right. And it's like, I love the idea though that Buzz Driver is definitely the opposite of Airline Pilots. Yeah.

Well, the first episode that Dan did was funny. You should go back and listen to that. The first episode that Paul did was funny. You should go back to listen to that. But this is the one where the two burgies come together. This is Busy Burgies. This is your episode 16. Number one, six. Well, we need to get to our next guest. He is a bus driver. And oh, he's been on the show before. He was on about a month ago. Very interesting guy. Please welcome back to the show, Charlie Burgie Sullenberger.

Scott, thank you for having me back so soon. I appreciate it. My pleasure. It's so good to see you. It's good to see you as well. I apologize if our last meeting was a bit contentious. It was. I know that I was accused many times of getting quite heated, and yet my voice remains the same.

the entire time. So I don't know how people are able to determine that I'm getting heated. It wasn't necessarily the volume of your voice as much as the word choice that you were using. This is, again, the terrible specious argument that was used the first time. See, terrible and specious, those are two words that popped out to me. Well, it's just an argument. It sounds to me like you're getting heated currently. I'm not getting heated, as you can see.

The tone of my voice has not changed. It's nothing to do with the tone of your voice. I mean, if I were getting heated, I think the tone of my voice would change. And I think only a moron would say that I was getting heated if they were listening to the tone of my voice. Again, using words like moron. Just a stupid idiot would accuse me of getting heated. See, now the tone of your voice is raising. I don't think that it is. You have been on this show for 60 seconds and already you're starting your shit. What?

I'm not starting any shit. I think only a stupid person would accuse me of doing so because the tone of my voice has not changed. Busy, are you hearing this? This is a problem I had with our guest last time. I mean, it doesn't sound like his voice tone is changing to me at all. Thank you very much, Busy. Why is no one on my side?

on this show. Please go back to reading your magazine. There is no change in my voice. I am not getting heated. Is that a colloquialism? I don't know. Please go back to reading your magazine. It is. It is. It's a thing we say in the bus driving trade. Oh, so you are a bus driver. No, I'm a bus pilot.

Okay, because last time you were on the show about a month ago and we found out you consider yourself to be a pilot. I don't consider myself to be a pilot. I am a pilot. I have a class J license to prove it. I am a bus pilot. Hey, Scott. Sorry, I'm late. Hey, Scott. How's it going? What? Hey, Scott. It's Bergie. Sorry, I'm late. I was having trouble with the Zoom. I'm sorry. Your name is also Bergie?

Yeah, I'm Bergie Sullenberger. Sir, I don't believe. Wait a minute. This is crazy. My name is Bergie Sullenberger. Right. Yeah. Okay. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. Let me unpack this for a second. I put out a request for my booking person to get Bergie Sullenberger on the show because you were on a month ago, Bergie. And here I am. Yes. No, I was on in November.

Yeah, I sort of remember that now. You were on in November. I was on the podcast in November with Mitra Drahari, Joel Kim Booster, and a toe for the boogie boarder.

Right. Yeah, I remember. I don't know why I didn't remember that when you were on the show a month ago, Bergie. But your name is Bergie Sullenberger and you are also the brother to... Yes, my name is Bergie Sullenberger. No, I'm talking to this Bergie over here. You are also the brother to Sully Sullenberger. No, I'm the brother to Sully Sullenberger. Okay, you know, I don't want to jump... I don't want to get into anything here with these two people, but one of them sounds like a narc. Which one? Which one?

One of them does sound, yeah, I would say like a narc. I would say the first one who was talking sounds like an absolute narc. Yeah, he's got a narc kind of tone. I don't know why you would accuse me of sounding like a narc. You've got narc vibes. The tone of my voice has not changed the entire time that we speak. You've got narc vibes. It's nothing to do with the tone of your voice. It's your word choice. And maybe it is the tone of your voice because that flat de-escalation voice that most cops use.

That's the one you're using. Yes. Cops are very skilled at de-escalation and they are constantly using those flat voices all the time. Video after video of cops calmly de-escalating a situation. Well, hold on. Hold on. Okay. Here's the situation.

I am now remembering that, that Bergie number two, the second Bergie to come on, you were on the show in November, November, November. And then I forgot that you were on. And then Bergie number one, you were on about a month ago and I didn't remember the, I didn't remember earth to Bergie. I don't know why he would get earth to Bergie and you would get Bergie when you're the second one to appear. Um,

I mean, this is a lot like, I guess, the Flash of Earth-1 appearing after Golden Age Flash, and he's relegated to Earth-2. Anyway, we're getting in the weeds about this. I don't want to discuss the Speed Force. Scott, I...

I don't know what's going on here. This gentleman, he calls himself by my name. We don't look anything alike. He claims to be my brother's brother. I think we can agree we do look exactly the same. So there's something going on. We cannot agree. I'm very tall. I mean, I don't know if you can tell looking at me, but I'm probably about your height. I mean, we're in different rooms right now, but we've both got the same chiseled jaw. I don't.

I don't know what you're seeing. I look remarkably like my brother, Sully Sullenberger. Sully Sullenberger, my brother. Which of you is telling the truth here? You both claim to be the brother of hero pilot, plane pilot, I guess I should distinguish, Sully Sullenberger, who... Not a hero. Not a hero. Who, on that fateful day, landed on the Hudson saving all those souls on board. Yes, he staged an accident. He threw a dead goose into a...

into an engine and forced a water landing so he could look like a hero. He'd been planning it since we were kids. I know what's happening here, Scott. I know exactly what's happening here. What's happening? Please explain to me because I have no clue. Space-time rift. It's a space-time rift. Things have been a little odd for me the past few months. Uh,

I'm going to be honest. I tried to bring back some dead people with a time machine. Oh, no. Who? Let me ask you, other Bergie. Were they souls that were lost on a bus? Shit.

In a bus crash? Yes, it was the 81 souls I lost when I drove a bus into the Hudson River while watching the movie Sully. Oh, that's right. I forgot that about your first appearance. Every bus driver knows that there is a risk of a rift in the space-time continuum. We've all lost souls, but we... And wait, every bus pilot has had someone die on board? Every bus pilot has had... I don't think I would feel safe going on a bus anymore if that were the case. Well, I'm sorry to tell you that... Scott, when's the last time you went on a bus? Scott, when?

You're rich. Please. I went on a subway back in March. That's not a bus, Scott. It's a bus under the ground. Subway is, that's absolutely, it's a train under the ground.

And I went to a Subway sandwich shop. Probably in 2019. Stop talking about Subways. Because Scott was looking for Jared. He was trying to get Jared's autograph. Okay, I'm a big fan. He was trying to get Jared's autograph. I forgot that you were a Jared superfan. I do see Scott. He always has a huge pair of pants in his trunk in case he runs into Jared. That's right. So he can see if it's the real Jared. To conceal my boner. He holds the pants. It's a dual purpose.

Well, okay. So you tried – you killed those 81 people. Hold on a second, Scott. The tone of my voice has not changed. I want you to understand, and this is something that I'm sure other Berge can attest to, and we'll figure out who we are.

Every bus you've ridden on, someone has died on that bus. Wow. Haunted bus. Well, they're not haunted. It's just that people die on them. So you don't think the souls who were lost stick around on these buses? No, you're thinking of a ghost bus, which is much like the Flying Dutchman. There is a ghost bus that travels cross-country. Which one is that?

Is that one that only appears at certain times of the month? That's exactly right. That's exactly certain times of the month. And so bus pilots often say, well, it's that time of the month again. Number one, six.

Oh, such a funny clip. The Busyburgies. It was really funny. That was fun to do. In fact, I would almost say you both should come back together as a team. Can I tell you, we almost did that for the most recent holiday episode. Oh, you did? Okay. But we were so far apart in the lineup, and then I had to go because Lauren Lapkus and I had our improv show that night. Oh, right. Okay. And so we could not do it. I don't know what Dan ended up doing. Dan ended up doing... What did he do? What?

Again, this is one I have not listened back to yet, and I've totally forgotten it. But he did something really funny, and I don't recall what it is. That was an interesting one in that because of the nature of doing it over Zoom, it's

A lot of people left after the first half. After the break, which actually made it more controllable. It had to have been. It was almost like doing two separate episodes in a way because a bunch of you left halfway through and then a bunch of different people came in as opposed to the year before where everyone stayed the entire time. Yes, yes. Which on Zoom is really tough to do. All right, we need to take a break.

When we come back, though, we will have episode 15, and this is really exciting. Paul, any guesses? I think this is going to be one for the books. It certainly is. All right. When those books come back, we will have episode 15. We'll be right back with more of the best of Comedy Bang Bang 2020 after this.

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21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. Best of 2020, part one.

And Paul F. Tompkins is here with me, and we are in my backyard. The books are back, baby. Paul adjusted the umbrella during the break. I had to adjust the umbrella. And now he is completely in the shade other than his haunches. I've got it made in the shade. My haunch is enjoying the sunshine. And we're in the backyard.

There's no other way around it. You know what I mean? Do you know what I mean by backyard? I will say that when we were here last time, because we tape our other podcast, Threedom, here...

uh, there were people watching us from that house. No, really? And, uh, I kept getting distracted by it, but, uh, you didn't tell us because you didn't want us to be distracted. Exactly. Yes. But you also didn't want to chase them away. That's right. But never not funny style. Uh, uh, because, uh, when they tape, uh, there's a podcast, never not funny, great podcast with Jimmy Pardo. They still use tape. And, uh, when they were taping in their parking lot, there's a, uh, uh,

apartment building that overlooks the parking lot that there was a fan, I guess, who was watching them from his porch or his patio. Anyway! But do you think those people watching us were fans? No, I think they were neighbors wondering what the fuck is going on and why people are shouting. And, uh, 2020, we're doing it. We're, uh, uh,

Getting through it, are we not? We're doing it and we're getting through it. And right now there is some sort of, I don't know whether it's a single engine plane above us or I don't think it's a helicopter. Can you see? Oh, it's a little plane. It's a little plane. Speaking of tattoo. The plane. The plane. The plane. What was the audition process like? Was it people doing that? I wonder. You don't think Hervé got the offer? You think like Billy Barty was in there?

Well, that's the question. Was it always a little person or was it just like... I know I'm not what you had in mind for this, but just let me read and then you make your decision. All I ask for is a chance. That's not bad. Thank you. I'm not good either, but I mean... Hey, man. What? What the fudge?

You don't do any impressions. I do impressions. Oh, around the house. Name it. You got living room balls. Living room balls. That's from Mr. Saturday Night. Oh, it is? Billy Crystal yells at his brother, David Pamer. Oh, boy. You got living room balls? Yeah, because he's afraid to go out on the stage. But he's going to critique Mr. Saturday Night? Mr. Saturday Night himself? Yeah.

The only thing I remember from that movie is I remember him constantly saying, see what I did there? And then I remember the year it came out, it didn't get nominated for anything, but Billy Crystal was hosting the Oscars. And in his big pre... I remember this very well. In his song medley...

He suddenly went where he sings the titles of all the movies that got nominated. He threw in Mr. Saturday Night and everyone applauded like, yeah, you should have gotten nominated for that. Or, yeah, we're humoring you. Here's what's so funny about that movie is that he did that character on SNL during that strange. Was it one season? It was one season. It was 1985. Yeah.

Where it was Christopher Guest, Billy Crystal, Martin Short. Harry Shearer. Harry Shearer. Pamela Stevenson, of course. Jim Belushi. Jim Beluchi, as my dad used to call him. Beluchi. Beluchi.

And Rick, Rich Hall. Yeah. Rich Hall. Yeah. Doing David Byrne. So wild. And Sniglets. And he did. And Sniglets. And the rest. And he used to do this. Billy Crystal used to do this update character, which is an old Catskills comedian. Right. And it was like making fun of Catskills comedians. Right. And then he was like, I'm going to make a sincere movie about this character. Like, what? It's so weird. It's so strange. Yeah.

It was a weird movie. Like if Martin Short was like, Ed Grimley is a tragic figure and I'm going to make a dramedy about him. I know that. Why do you think I wouldn't know that? Like him going to law school?

Nathan Thurm, famously based on a real person that... That's right, one of the wardrobe people, right? Yes, that's right. And the person who told that story or something got in trouble for it? I can't recall. Anyway, you can look that all up on the internet. I thought he's told that story. He's told that story, and I think the person who...

So there's something about the person who, who let it slip that that was a real thing. I can't remember exactly what it was, but that person gets in trouble anytime anyone tells that story. And when Martin Short's book came out and Martin Short's book, really good book, uh, you can read, uh, he told that story and the person got in trouble again.

But Martin Short never gets in trouble. No, Martin Short is blameless. This guy's in trouble just for saying that's based on you. Something like that. At a Christmas... I can't remember the thing. But I think maybe I've met that guy. Anyway, in any case...

We are counting down the top 16 episodes this year of 2020. We already heard number 16, and we're out to hear number 15, which is really exciting. We're out to hear it. We're out to hear it. No, I said about. Oh, did you? I probably mumbled it, but we're out to hear it. Maybe it's your thick Orange County accent. Yeah, bro.

I am, of course, from Orange County, and Paul is from Philadelphia, PA, which has been in the news recently. What happened? More bad things? No, just, I mean, over the past couple of months. Oh, yes. Okay, yes. Under the microscope. You scared me for a second. Okay.

Do you think there was like another 9-11 style thing that might have happened this morning while you were driving here? I didn't think quite on those. They blew up the Liberty Bell? On that scale. They blew the Liberty Bell in Philly last night. The Liberty Cup until it was drunk and then it cracked.

All right, well, let's tarry no further. Let's get to it. This is your episode 15. Number one, five. All right, episode 15. Don't you remember a beautiful plan to get all of our singing compadres together to record?

Jingles for this countdown? Did we talk about that last year? Yeah, we did. Maybe two years ago. I don't remember. Oh, we got to do that. We're like, yeah, there's a bunch of us that can sing. What if we all got – well, we can't do it now. Yeah, because I've been using these ones I downloaded off the internet 12 years ago. Yeah, that only went up to 10. Yeah. So wait, how far – what would we go up to? 100? Just to cover our bases? No one's going to do that. But if we went up to 20 –

I think that would be great. And you know what? We could do it over Zoom. We could keep somebody starts and then they forward the track and then they add their vocal to it. I wonder how they do it because, you know, there's companies that do it. We've talked about this before. We could be that company. You would hire this company to sing jingles for your radio station. I don't know how much you would pay them, but it would be like KFI 640, blah, blah, blah.

But I wonder how much it costs and what the process would be for doing all of these. Like, do they have a tune that they already... He's going back home. He's like, oh, fuck this. It literally looks like the same plane flying back the other way. It might be.

But would they have a tune that they already knew that they would just swap in the details for, or would they come up with a new song every single thing? I think because those things all sound kind of the same, I think if you go to that company, they have a way of doing it. Right. And it's just like— And how many parts is it? Like, how many parts would we have to do? Is it like three parts, probably? Number, so it's like, number one, and then the other part is like, number one, or something. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah.

We'll figure it out. We can do as many as five. Five-part harmony. That's right. We'll do it. We'll definitely do it whenever. That'll be the first thing we do when the vaccine is administered into our arms. But I'm saying we could do it now. That's true. You know, safely. Safely and soundly. And it would be a fun project. Do they put the vaccine in your arm, do you know? Or is it your butt?

I think it's both. Really? Yeah. Are you sure that the second one where they do something to your butt isn't just the doctor being a weirdo? No, no, no, no, no, no. Because every doctor I've gone to. They also spray something in your eyes. What? You have to open them like... Clockwork Iron. I was going to say Catch-22 for some reason. Like Catch-22. Unfilmable.

As George Clooney found out. All right. Twice unfilmable. This is episode 646. 646. And this is from...

Let me say this date and maybe this will tell you what was going on. Thank you. This is from March 23rd. Oh, shit. So it's close to a week after St. Patrick's Day. Sure. So everyone's feeling a certain way. Well, what happened? Thanks. Or Thanksgiving. St. Patrick's Day this year. What happened to St. Patrick's Day? Do you remember? Uh.

Yes. All the stuff that normally happens. All the stuff that normally happens. Was. Was canceled. Why? Because of the novel coronavirus. That's right. COVID-19 that I created. So this was put out March 23rd, but it was recorded on March 16th. So people were mistakenly doing St. Patrick's Day material that they should not have been doing. But it was the very last day that I went anywhere. Yeah.

The studio, the Earwolf Studios was the very last place that I went to before suddenly everyone started taking this shit serious. I can't remember when Tom Hanks, what is the actual date Tom Hanks came out and said that he had it. Do you think that was the turning point? People were like, well, if he got it. Well, I think some sports... He's an everyman. It was like a series of dominoes. Sports were canceled.

And then like an hour later... Fats Domino got it.

An hour later, Tom Hanks said he had it, and this all happened on one day. And I don't know what day it was, but I'm looking it up. But I remember that was... Because I remember we were talking about it. It was March 17th. So it was St. Patrick's Day. Okay. So literally, we taped this on March 16th, and we were sort of taking it seriously, I remember, because...

Sean Diston came... In hot. Of course, he always does. But he came wearing plastic gloves. Wow. Because none of us knew how it was transmitted or how to get it, so we were like, I don't know. Do we send away? What do we do? So he came in wearing gloves that disintegrated the entire show. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

And none of us really knew what was going on. And then March, the very next day, March 17th, Tom Hanks said that he had coronavirus. And we were all like, oh, I guess this is really serious. We all need to stay in our homes. And so this was the very last thing I did. So this has a wonderful sort of reminiscent quality to me of being the last time I ever was anywhere. The last place I was before lockdown? Uh-huh.

LAX. Doing what? Just hanging out? I was coming back from Vancouver. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you wondering if you should go to Vancouver. Was that part of it? Yes. I was like, should I? Well, it's probably be okay. And then-

um, it got, things got right. Things really, uh, snowballed very quickly that week. Right. And so when I got to Vancouver, I was not shaking hands with people and people were like, Oh, okay. And then by the end it was like, they were, I was on a set and they were sterilizing pens design contracts. Well, I, um, I'm looking at my calendar. So on the 14th,

I had a meeting at like some restaurant that I was going with a friend of mine. And it was a business meeting. Yes, Bill W. Bill for short. William Bill for short. And I said to everyone, hey, we need to do this over Zoom on the 14th because we shouldn't be like going extra places.

And half of the participants were like, oh, come on, you're taking this too seriously. And so they all went to the restaurant and my friend and I zoomed in to the restaurant. So I already was being a little cautious, but I know like a few days earlier I was on the subway to like cool up and I took the subway to downtown L.A., which seems insane knowing what we know now about how it's transmitted. Downtown L.A.

In any case, this was March 16th, and this is an episode called Ninja Nordstrom. Now, we know that Sean Diston's involved. Sean Diston is involved, and he is playing Sprague the Whisperer in this episode. Sprague the Whisperer is a... Okay, it was a character he started out as pretty much like a send-up of those...

Those guys on Game of Thrones who are the advisors to the... Oh, is that what it was? He started as... Yeah. Who are those characters? They're like the guys who get their... Counselors or whatever. Yeah, they get their balls chopped off and they're, you know, the one bald... Oh, the eunuchs. Yeah, the eunuch who's bald, who gets... The bald eunuch. So he started as one of those guys. He's both bald and de-bald. Isn't that interesting? An interesting conundrum. An oxymoron, perhaps.

Um, but, uh, uh, so he started out as that. And then he, I think even in his first appearance, like segued into being an agent or a manager. It's absolutely in his first appearance. And to where now he doesn't whisper anymore. I think he started whispering. Like he started that first episode. Yes. He had a very stylized way of speaking. And then it's just a vague English accent. So, and then, uh, uh, so, so he's been on the show many times and, um,

Also on the show are Lily Sullivan, making her first appearance on The Countdown. Oh, on The Countdown, yes. On The Countdown. And she plays...

the Mr. Nordstrom's assistant, whose name I believe is Susie. And then we also have making his first appearance on the show ever. And unfortunately, at this point, the last, due to this being the last episode we did in the studio, Jacob Wysocki, who was very funny on this episode. He's very funny. And he did...

Griff Hedgley, the diamond guy. He was really funny. I really enjoyed having him on the show and want to have him back. But due to process that we'll talk about later, we've had to sort of contain and have less people on the show. So the clip we're going to hear is just, though, the first part of the episode when I'm talking to Sprague the Whisperer.

And this is, we are talking about a subject matter that seemed to pop up a lot on the show this year. I'll leave that for the clip. But this is it. This is your episode 15. Number one, five.

But, yes, Scott, I'm pretty pissed because my announcement sort of got trumped. Like, everything in Hollywood got pushed a couple weeks. So you got to push the announcement or are you going to announce it here? I'm going to make the announcement, Scott. And I came here because I was looking for a director slash writer. What?

What are you announcing, then? I'm writing that I have acquired the rights. Oh, you've acquired some rights. Scott, I have acquired the rights to the Holy Ninja Grail, Scott. Oh, my God. What could this possibly be? Let me think. They're teenage, Scott. Wait a minute. Are they mutants? They're mutants, Scott.

Do they happen to be turtles? And, Scott, of course, they happen to be turtled. Teenage Mutant. They're turtled? They're turtled. They were turtled at one point. They were turtled. Is that part of the, I've never read nor seen any of the movies. No, the canon is they are turtles. They are turtles from outer space? Yes. Are they aliens? They're not from outer space. Now, Scott, there's two sort of canons in the turtle universe. Okay. And one is that they're sort of. Are they more of the ninja-verse?

Oh, good question. Do they straddle? I just got the rights, baby. I got to read it. I got to read a lot of this stuff. Okay. I got to make sure. Well, hey, no better time when you were self-quarantined. I'm sitting around self-quarantining. Now, Scott, of course I've acquired the ninja rights. Of course you have. It's not the animated CGI rights. Not the Michael Bay of it all. Okay. What kind of rights do you have? I've got the live action turtle rights, baby.

Live action. Is that akin to the movie back in the, what was it, the 80s or the 90s? 1991, Scott. Ninja Turtles 1, highest grossing indie movie of all time. Independent film. I love it. It's true, Scott. And we're going back to our roots.

This is an indie. This is an indie. Yes, Scott. It's not an Indiana Jones movie. It's not an indie. Although, if you could get the rights to him. Shit, you know I've tried? Ninja, Ninjiana Jones? I've tried hard. You've tried hard. Why can't that be an alternate universe spinoff? Why can't Ninjiana Jones be like Miles Morales of the Indiana Jones- He's got a parallel universe, yes. I'll work on it, Scott. Jones-iverse. I've got a parallel universe.

I've got time. I'll work on it. You've got nothing but time now. I've got nothing but time. But my Turtles movie and pitch, you know, it's gone, Scott. I don't know what to do with it. Yeah. This pitch is not perfect. Scott, here's the thing. I need a writer. You've got some time. I do have a little time. Can I get you involved, Scott? What?

What are you looking for? You're looking for someone to totally reinvigorate the franchise? Let me walk you through the premise, give you a sort of... Oh, you already have a premise. We have a hard premise, Scott. We actually have a lot of scenes. What did you say, a hard premise? Is that like a hard out or a hard no? No, no, it's sort of like, we're going to do notes. It's difficult. We're going to do rewrites, but the premise is changing. The premise never changes. Oh, hell no, Scott. That is hard. Okay. This premise is going to change. Okay, so here's the premise, Scott. All right, hit me.

Opening scene. You have an opening scene as well? Yes, yes, yes. This transcends a premise into an opening scene. I guess we have sort of the whole movie. Great. You have a hard whole movie. Maybe you could do punch up and direct. That's something. That's something. Yeah, certainly. We could do that. Non-union, of course. Now, yeah, we'll talk about that in a second. Scott, opening scene.

We're walking through the streets of 1992 New York City. We're walking? Who is this we? The camera. The camera is walking. When I say we, the cameraman is walking. A lot of the movie is through the perspective of the cameraman. It's POV, really. It's not the POV of his camera. No, no, no. It's his eyes. You know, I guess all movies are for the POV of the cameraman. I guess. It's POV.

It can cut between angles and stuff. It's probably the POVs of several cameramen. Of several cameramen. The cameramen are always like the next, you know, they're always like the next character, Scott. Oh, that's right. I mean, New York is like the fourth character. And in this one, the New York is the first character. New York is number one and camera people are number two? Number one on the call sheet, Scott. Wow. We're getting in a lot of trouble with SAG. So anyways, opening scene where we, the cameramen, are walking through the streets of New York.

And of course, Scott, we see April O'Neil. She's older now. This is someone from the... Yes, April O'Neil is their friend. Is their friend. Yes, she's kind of like their friend. Let's see. Let's put this in terms you might understand. You're going to have to explain friendship to me. Okay. So it's like they sort of hang out and they like, they eat pizza together. Not ringing a bell. Okay. They saved her life multiple times. Is that what friends do?

I think so. Okay. In my ninja world, of course. Of course. So we see April. April O'Neil, big yellow jacket. She's walking down the street. Just the other day? That's right, Scott. Wow. So this is set one day in the past? No, it's one day in the future, Scott. Wow. Just the other day. It's a day in the future. Just the other day. Well, with the cameraman's perspective, he's in the future.

The cameraman's walking through New York. He's sort of remembering all this stuff happening. Okay, so he's in the future, but he remembers it as just the other day, meaning today? Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Scott, you're getting it. Finally. So, all right. So, we're walking in the street. Abel's walking through. All of a sudden, the Foot Clan take over the streets of Manhattan. The Foot Clan? The Foot Clan. That's Shredder's gang, Scott. Oh, okay. Shredder is who? Shredder's the bad guy from The Eater Turtles. Okay. Is he a turtle? Yeah.

Has he been turtled? No, he's a shredder. He's a shredder. He looks like a can opener. He's like a rat, isn't he? No, that's Splinter Scott. That's Splinter. Okay, I have no idea. I'll walk you through the whole canon here. Okay, great. So there's Splinter. Treat me like a dumb asshole who's never seen any of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So in the first one, they're underground. There's like some, for some reason, there are four turtles and a rat in the sewers. And they're hanging out. Here's my impression of it. This is all like, and all I've seen is the Oprah interview with them. Yes, this is good.

Check that out if you haven't. That's actually pretty freaking great. For some reason, we were watching that on the Bang Bang television show trying to figure out how to parody, and I don't know whether we were ever successful. But here's my impression. Here's what I think happened in the movie. This will be good because I need to focus group this thing. Okay, here's what I think happened in the movie. At some point, they pick up a manhole cover, and they think it's a pizza, and they try to eat it, and their teeth break.

No, no, Scott. No, that never happened? No, but you had... That is what I think happened in the movie, and I am totally wrong. So you were right for like three words. Manhole cover? No, no, no. They pick up a... Like four words. Four words. They pick up a... They pick up a... So at some point, something gets picked up. Yes, but instead of manhole cover, it's a canister of ooze, Scott. Ooze. The secret of the ooze, of course. Oh, I have heard of the secret of the ooze. Is ooze something that they use?

Ooze is something that they use. They put the ooze in ooze? They put the ooze in ooze because they used it. They put the ooze in ooze. Exactly. Okay. Now, Scott. This is in New York, right? This is, of course, in New York, Scott. Of course. It's the first character. So the ooze, of course, turned them into turtles. Then they learned. We turned them into turtles? No, no, no. Sorry. They turned these four pet turtles, which must have been flushed out of the toilet.

Separately. Separately, really? So they weren't brothers? I don't think so. I think they're all gathered by the ooze. So there are four different children. Exactly. And they're alive turtles? They're alive. So I don't want this pet turtle anymore. Even though it's alive, I'm going to kill it by flushing it. So four separate children did this. They all gather in one place next to some ooze. Next to a little rat. Next to a little rat. And the backstory of this rat is that the rat trained in Japan with a guy named Rokusaki.

Okay, this all makes sense. So that makes sense. Okay. So the rat sort of trained and... This is separate from the ooze? Yes, yes. Or does he... No, no, no. Umatoyoshi. That's the guy you trained with. Urokusaki is Splinter Scott. Oh, okay. Got it. So they trained and then they got the ooze and then they became teenagers. Yes.

So they became teenagers, not ninjas at this point. No, and for some reason, Splinter became an old man. Oh, okay. But they mutated into it. They mutated. So that takes care of the teenage and the mutant part of it. And then Splinter taught them ninja. So he taught them how to be ninjas. So that's, okay. So it would have been a simpler story if they mutated into ninjas as well. It would, Scott. But this was an indie movie, Scott, because they were really digging into the sort of character stuff, you know. It's pretty good.

So he teaches them and then the film ends. And then, no, the film starts because then they're turtles. April's there. They save April. Big thing. They kill Shredder. They kill Shredder? They kill Shredder. So Shredder's dead. So this is like manslaughter or murder or what is it? It's pretty much murder. Casey Jones crushes Shredder.

A guy named Casey Jones. He fights people with hockey sticks. A guy named Casey Jones? I'm lost! He fights people with hockey sticks, and he wears a Jason mask. Is there Casey in the Sunshine Band, like K.C. or is it Casey? That's a friggin' great... Hold on, let me flip through the IP here. You have the whole IP here? I have the whole thing right here. Hold on. Okay. It looks like it's... You are moving your hands like it's Minority Report, by the way. Yeah, it is sort of a visual... Okay, it's a digital IP. Okay, here we go.

Show me Casey Jones. Enhance. Bring closer. Show name. All right, it's K.C. It's K.C. It's true. With a dot after the C, I hope, as well. No. No, it's just open-ended. Open-ended. Baby. I think the C might be his middle name. Wow, okay. So anyways, Casey Jones. All this shit is canon, Scott. This is all canon from the first film. And then in the second one, they learn the secret of the use. Secret of the use. The third one, they time travel. Now, Scott. Okay.

We're walking in the street. April O'Deal, big yellow coat. Okay. She's a big reporter. She's a reporter. Oh, that was. That's part of it. She's a reporter. Has she become a reporter? She's always a reporter, baby. She's always been a reporter. Great. That's part of it. She winks on this. She's like, I'd like to thank Michelangelo on, you know, whatever. What? On TV or something? On TV. She's like. When do we interview reporters now on TV? Is she on MSNBC or something? She's doing like a special interest piece where she's like, I got beat up the other day and I was saved by. Just the other day.

Just the other day. And I was saved by Raphael or some shit. And she winks. And she winks. And then they're all like so horny. Are reporters allowed to wink? I think they are.

Yeah. You've never seen like. I don't think I've ever seen a reporter wink after a story. You've never seen like Van Jones say something on CNN and be like, yeah, you know, these black people need to get it together. Then he winks. You've never seen that? I would think. You've got to pay attention, Scott. If I saw Van Jones do that, I would think that was some sort of secret code. Like, I don't actually mean it. You've got to pay attention, Scott. Van Jones dropping the winks. Now, Scott, first of all, I haven't gotten to the inciting incident of this movie. Well, so far, we're just walking down the street. Walking down the street. April O'Deal.

murdered what she's killed immediately by well the foot the foot that's the gang that works oh oh got it she's killed she's killed April O'Neil's dead how do they kill her

Well, sort of like a sword or something. A sword. So she's disemboweled? This is what you're going to be writing, Scott. Oh, I see. You've got to figure out how she gets killed. Okay, so maybe in the stomach her guts fall out. I think so. Maybe like a, you know, like a cut down, like a Game of Thrones degutting. Suddenly her coat turns red instead of yellow. Or I guess red plus yellow would be more of a lighter red maybe. Maybe green. I don't know shit. Red plus yellow. What is that? No, because there's blue and green. There's orange. Orange, baby. Yes, which is of course the color of...

Michelangelo! Michelangelo! Scott, they all wear colors and stuff. It's fun. Colors. Remember Ice-T? Colors. Is Ice-T involved in this? I do remember Ice-T. We've got to get him back on the show. Yeah, because I loved when he was on the show. Did you really? I did, and I do remember. Some people might have thought that that was not great. Some people thought maybe Ice-T shouldn't be on the show in this fashion. But how do you feel about it? But me, as a person who's, I don't know, pretty much an authority on all things Ice-T, I think it's pretty cool.

Okay. I kind of like the voice. I thought, you know. Yeah. It wasn't offensive. Anyways. So anyways, April O'Neil's dead. She's dead. So you're expecting the four turtles are going to pop out, you know, kill everybody. Avenge. Avenge. It's kind of like Avenge. The real Avengers, yeah. But then guess what, Scott? I couldn't even presume to guess.

April O'Neil, at her funeral, only one turtle shows up. What? That's right, Scott. Did the invite get lost for three of the turtles? This turtle's not wearing any colors. You can't tell which one it is. And he's crying. He's crying. Is he mutated in teenage as well? Well. Let alone a ninja. He's a teenager, so he's emo. Yeah.

And he's mutated, so he's got like big traps. Oh, wow. And he can do a backflip. But this is not one of the canonical turtles. It is, Scott, but the mystery is which one, Scott? That's right. We can't tell them apart because they're wearing masks or the colors or what? Well, they were originally all gray masks. But then they were like, we can't tell these characters apart. We've got to give them colors. The toy company, of course. Right, okay. So the turtles have similar faces. They do. They look exactly alike. To be honest, they must be twins.

It's crazy. I'm not going to say all turtles look alike because that's racist. But I will. I'm going to say it. Okay. Thank you. So anyways, there's only one turtle and he's there. And then this guy, you know, Casey Jones, he's at the funeral. He walks up to him. He says, hey, which one are you? And this turtle, he looks back at Casey Jones and he says, I'm no one. The turtles are dead.

The turtles are dead, but he's a turtle and he's alive. That's right, Scott. In this world, three of the four turtles are dead. So they died in between the last movie? That's right. And here's the reveal. I guess that makes sense. Michelangelo is a party dude. Okay, sure. He's fucking dead from heroin.

Okay. He fully OD'd. Fully OD'd? Well, here's the thing. You find out Splinter left. They were like the dad. As soon as Splinter left. Oh, he's the glue. He's the glue. They're lost now. Michelangelo did heroin. Donatello, audio erotic fixation. Fixation, really? Yes. Against a doorknob or? It was a closet. It was like a closet hanger thing. Oh, okay. He was tied up to a thing. And then Leonardo did.

died of testicular cancer? Testicular cancer. What a way to go. He was so busy being a vigilante, he didn't go to the doctor. Oh, you got to get those checks. You got to get your balls checked. That's a big part of the movie. It's amazing to me that you can pay someone to feel your balls. And they have to do it.

Scott, that's pretty amazing. When you think about it, it's legal. I want everyone to just take, at home, take a second. Think about this. If you have balls, if you don't. If you're a woman or if you don't have balls, imagine what it's like to have balls. Imagine it. You're walking around. Our upcoming guest, Griff Hedgley, the diamond guy. He might have something to say about that. But you're walking around. There's these two things between your legs. You're like, oh, they're balls here. Sometimes they're not even between the legs. They're a little more in front. Sometimes they're like a little in front. Yeah.

Sometimes you get older and then you get behind. And they were always in between the legs. I think that would be very painful. That would be great.

But then you remember when that guy from Punky Brewster sat on his balls? Oh, yeah, yeah. What was that guy's name? It was not the guy from Punky's Brewster. Punky's Brewster? Is that the plural of Punky Brewster? I think it might be. It's a Punky's Brewster. No, it was Mr. Belvedere. Mr. Belvedere sat on his balls. Is that what he said? Well, that's the Doug Benson joke. Oh, Doug Benson's got a joke? He does an impression of Mr. Belvedere sitting on his own balls. Oh, I got to get Doug Benson on the phone. I got to get Doug Benson on the phone. Get him involved in this. He's a ninja guy.

So anyways, you find out, there's time travel. Time travel. Yes. Okay, wait, which one of the turtles is this? Well, that's a mystery. We don't know. Wait, but you just said the three of them are dead. So it has to be. It's Raphael. It's got to be Raphael. The outcast of the bunch. He's the outcast? Spodeody, Dopalicious, whatever the fuck that song's called. I have no idea. It's an outcast song. Oh, okay. Oh, is that from the turtles movie? We're going to be using that song exclusively throughout.

So, Scott, there's one turtle left. He goes to get his time travel lantern, which is from the third one. Okay, sure. He travels back in time to save. Back in time. Exactly. We use that song, too. Great. And he saves his brothers from killing themselves. Whoa. So he goes back, stops the heroin. Technically, the testicular cancer didn't kill himself. No, but he takes him to the doctor. He walks him through the surgeries and the treatments. So he goes back very far. He goes back away. He got to go back three times. Kind of like Endgame. Right.

So anyways, this part, they're going back and then they bring all the turtles back to the future. Okay, so instead of leaving them where they were and letting them age gracefully... No, he brings them... ...to the point where Raphael is... That's not how time travel works anymore. Have you not seen Endgame, baby? Okay, so Raphael then is considerably older than the other three during the movie. That's right. So now we've got three Ninja Turtles and sort of a like...

You know, chill older turtle. Okay. Chill older uncle turtle. So Raphael is not teenage. He's no longer teenage. But then you find out at the end of the movie post-credit scene, they go back in because Raphael's got to die in this motherfucker, right? Shh.

Sure. Post-credits scene, they go back in time, get a teenage Raphael from the past. Whoa. And we're rebooting the franchise with a teenage version of the Turtles. So the teenagers who were back in the 90s, they have been transported now into the 2020s. It's sort of like a Days of Future Past timeline, Scott. Yeah. Well, we're creating a new Turtleverse. Of course. Now, Scott, how do you feel about this? You want to write? Yes, of course.

This is great, right? We're going to kill April O'Neil right away. That's the part I'm most excited about. It's so fun. You get to write a death scene in the first act. You get to refrigerate April O'Neil. It's so tight. But then guess what? You've got the power time travel. You bring her ass back, baby. Bring her ass back and make her teenage. Then she could date the turtles. Scott. Scott.

We are fucking vibing right now. This coronavirus thing is kind of a fucking opportunity. We can go back to the drawing board. By the way, I'm on Molly right now. Are you? Hell yes, Scott. We are rolling. Well, of course it's canon that I love rolling. I know. And I love going to Vegas every weekend. In honor of you, I took some. Are you upset that all the casinos are closing? I am, Scott. But you know, I'm doing my own little home casino sitch. Wait a minute. So people are going over to your house? No, no, no. I'm gambling online.

Oh, you're gambling online. And I'm doing Molly. And I'm sort of just like every few minutes throwing money out my window. And you're putting all your food out on the counter so it's a buffet? I'm walking. I'm grazing. I'm like, oh, do I want some peanuts? Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll get some popcorn. You hired someone to bring you free drinks. Exactly. So it's going pretty well at home. Okay, great. I've created my own Vegas and I'm rolling all the time. I may work from home. I hope you don't take offense at that. Scott, let me tell you something. Before you were saying you didn't want to demand that people stay home.

Take it from Sprague to Whisper, baby. Let me whisper a little something in everyone's ears. Stay home, baby. Stay home. Don't be like us. Watch Ninja Turtles 1. It's on Netflix. It's pretty good. Where are the other two? Where do they reside on the streaming platforms? I think they're both on Netflix. They're all on Netflix. They're all on the Flix. Well, you've got to catch up if you're going to watch. I feel like I did watch them, though. You described them perfectly. I did describe them pretty well. Yeah. Number one, five. There you go.

There you go. Episode 15. There you go again. The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles. So I think what happened since this episode is then the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles came up on a few episodes that Sean was not on. Yes. And he was listening to those and getting enraged because I was getting all of the details wrong.

And so that is why we decided to do our spinoff show, which is called We've Got to Stop Talking About CBB. No, Got to Stop Talking About TMNT on CBB, which is our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles podcast where Sprague the Whisperer takes me through all of the movies and a lot of the cartoons and everything.

I believe our final episode is this week, this Wednesday. And we've had great guests on that. Yourself, Paul F. Tompkins. Great. Tatiana Maslany and Christian Brune. Michael Ian Black talking about when he played one of the Turtles. Seth Green, who's played one of the Turtles as well. Do you know what I think about a lot is Michael Ian Black talking about when the kids would want to fight him. And he would say, whoa, little dude, I came here to party. Yeah.

Would that always de-escalate the situation, I wonder? I wonder if they were like, oh, you know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm here to party as well. You know what? I guess I just saw you and I thought he likes to fight. I'm going to fight him. But you're right. This is a party situation. I apologize. But also one thing he talked about was he was doing the voice while Ben Garant was doing the body. Right.

But then he said that sometimes, look, you can listen to the whole thing. You can do your own research, as David Gregory said. People can get those episodes at Sean Diston's Patreon, which is patreon.com slash Sean Diston. He's a really funny guy, obviously. We just heard that clip. They can also get them on my Patreon. What? I've been saving the episodes. Like Stitcher used to do? And then putting them up on my Patreon. Yeah, exactly. Remember that? My Patreon is a podcatcher, and...

I just put other people's podcasts up there and charge you for it.

All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to be hearing episode 14. Very exciting. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's is hard, so is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois.

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You don't remember. Do you remember 1981? Sure. No, you don't. It was January of 1981 through December of 1981. Oh, shit. You got me. You know what? I stand corrected. I remember all the years. 2020, 2019, 2018, 2016, 2015. You don't remember 1995, right?

Oh, man. This is a stumper. Oh, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. That started, I think, January 1st, 1995. Yes. When did it end? September. No. No. I think it was December 31st of 1995. Damn, this guy's good. In any case, 2020, we're going to remember the-

We'll probably remember what happened in 2020. This will be a demarcation point, I'm sure. I can't remember these episodes. I guess what I mean is we will remember...

2020, it's going to be a demarcation thing of like, remember life before 2020 and after 2020. That's right. But 2020 itself is a big, long blur. Imagine the children growing up right now who they won't remember what it was like. We'll have to tell them, but they won't know. Imagine as many children as you can. How many can you imagine? 30. I can imagine 31. These children won't, they won't even know how crazy they drove their parents. Yeah.

They'll just think they had a regular-ass life. No. And then 30 years from now, mom and dad will be complaining about them going like... You tortured me. It was a living hell. Why are they so... We were trapped with you. That's how long they waited. That's like Todd Glass' joke about how when you were a kid and you were, like, imitating a 50-year-old, you'd be like, hello, I'm 50. And now when you see 50-year-olds, it's like, hi, I'm 50. I'm in a band. I'm in a band. Come see us this Friday. Yeah.

Todd, I haven't seen Todd in forever. I know. He texted me the other day and was just like, hi, Scott. I just wanted to say hi. Isn't that nice? You know, he texted me and I owe him a text and I feel bad about it. Oh, feel terrible. I do feel terrible, so thank you. Mission accomplished. But this year, it's a weird...

where some simple correspondences fell through the cracks. Yeah. Where it's just like I... Even though we're just sitting there at our computers and not doing anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The act of just communication between people seems so futile and hopeless, does it not? Yeah, I...

like to call it clinical depression? Well, that's why doing this show is so stupid. Stupid. Yes. Why do we keep doing it? No, but I am happy that we were able to keep it going this year. Me too. When everything seemed stacked against us. Yeah. But speaking of keeping it going, why don't we keep this countdown going? This is episode number 14. Number 14.

Do you remember 14? No, of course you don't. You don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. All right. This is episode 634. And this is from January. We're not in the 600s. Yeah, we're still in the 600s. Yeah, okay. That gives me a clue. I believe we will be in the 600s this entire countdown. Don't spoil it. Don't spoil it. Okay. Well, this is from January 13th. So this is pre-pan. Damn. This is pee-pee. Scott.

Poo-poo. Scott, grow up. Grow some balls. Grow some living room balls. Grow some living room balls. I like the idea of David Pamer. Anytime he leaves the house, he gently takes his balls off and puts them in a container in the living room. You don't think they just shrivel up inside his body?

Made it worse. Okay, so this is January 13. I believe this is the second episode of the year, if I had to guess. Who are you waving at, little bird? I'm waving at a squirrel. A squirrel, great. Don't get to do that in the studio. Hi. He's looking at me like, are you a predator? He's getting a little closer. Are you one of the predators? He's a little bold. I like it. Oh, I see him, yeah. I like when a squirrel is bold. How close has a squirrel ever gotten to you?

Oh, my God. At Griffith Park? Yeah. You can walk right up to them because people feed them all the time. Oh, and they want the food. Oh, wow. And it's kind of unnerving because you get closer and he's not running away. Yeah. And then you get really close. It's like, what are you doing here? They can rip your balls off. They will rip your balls off. David Pamer style. That's what happened to him.

He could rip your balls off. Let's popularize it that David Pamer has no balls. Oh, come on. He's nice. He's great. He's one of the best. But we should get it out there that he has no balls. We should get it out there. Can I tell a story really quickly that I told on Twitter? It's not about David Pamer, but for whatever reason, David Pamer reminded me of this story. Of course.

My wife, Janie, and I, and my old friend, Buddy Fitzpatrick, we were in Manhattan. We were having dinner in Manhattan. The dinner ended early. 21 Club. 21 Club.

We were probably at the 21 club. Knowing how broke you were, we're probably more like the 13 club. Hey, man. I told you that in confidence. Please don't look at my net worth. So we finished dinner earlier and we're like, what should we do now? And then for some reason we looked to see if there was any play that we could go see.

And there was a play that was happening nearby, walking distance from the restaurant. And we said, we had heard like a little, like it got positive reviews. We didn't know anything about it really. We're like, let's go see it right now. It was a one-act play, no intermission. It's like, this is great. Let's go see it. So we went and saw it. It was great. We really enjoyed it. And afterwards, we're talking out in front of the theater.

And, you know, like eventually the cast comes out one by one, people trickle out and we were saying, oh, you were great. The thing, one of the guys who was like, had one of the biggest roles in the play walks out of the theater and we say to him, hey, you were terrific in the show. And he is saying, thank you. But he's looking at us. He's got this strange expression on his face. Like he's humoring us like, wow.

It's so weird. Almost like he thinks he did a bad job and he's like, oh, okay. No, he has an expression on his face like he doesn't know what we're talking about, but he's trying to just be like, oh, okay. Yeah, great job in the play. It was so strange. And he kept doing it. We were like, no, it was really, you were so good. You were fantastic. And he was like, okay, thank you. Thank you. And he walked away. And it was so strange to the point where we were like,

Was that the guy? We just saw him. We just saw him. It absolutely was him. We saw him walk out of the theater. And if it was his twin brother who's like a stagehand, he should be used to it. Exactly. So I later found out, I put that story on Twitter, and people were like, was it this person? They're guessing all these famous people. It's not a famous, of course it's not a famous actor. Right. So-

Then a friend of mine in New York said... By the way, when you put out something anonymously, and I've gone through this recently, you don't do it so people can speculate online and bring up

people's names into it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, what if this guy is on Twitter? I told a story recently on a show about an actor that I did not care for and people were speculating, like all these wonderful people and dragging them into it. And I'm like, no, I kept it anonymous for a reason. Now, of course, I hope they were tagging them as well. Boy, were you talking about this person? Hey, this guy may be talking about you. But it's like I thought, well, if this guy's on Twitter, I don't want people like, yeah, giving him a hard time or whatever.

And the point of the story was not that it was a famous person. It was just a little story that I was telling. Right. But so my friend in New York said, which play was it? And I told her the name of the play. And she said, was it this guy? I was like, yes, it was. And apparently he is famous for being extremely socially awkward. Like he's known for it. And I was like, wow, that makes sense. And what a relief to have it confirmed. Well, you know, you never quite know what.

are going through. That's true, too. You know, because there was a person that I knew who was very odd and strange any time you talked to him. And you kind of go like, what's that person's problem? And then you find out they actually do have something going on. So it's like, you never know. You know, I worked with a comedian years ago in Philly who was, at the time, was only a comedian. He was not known for anything else. He was just like a...

a very, he was a well-known road comic, really funny guy. And I was excited to work with him. Like I'd seen him on TV, like back in the days of, you know, short attention span theater and the a list and stuff like that on, on comedy central. And this person was a dispersant. And I, he was having like a hard time that week with something. And I don't know what it was like. He's really funny on stage offstage. Like I remember him making a phone call and,

And, like, there was a payphone in the lobby of the club. And I think the middle act was on stage. I think I was emceeing that week. The middle act was on stage. And he was trying to make this phone call. And he, like, something was going wrong. And he kept angrily, like, hanging up the phone. And then he would have to put in...

This is like the days of pay phones. Right. He'd have put in wherever he was calling. He'd have put in so much money. Like $5 worth of money. It was fucking crazy. I remember those days. Oh, God. And so he's like, he put in like 50 quarters. Yeah. And then I said, hey, if you want, I have a calling card that you could use. And he just half turned to me and went, no. And I was really bummed out because I really liked this guy. Right.

And then I felt, so I always felt like, and then I met him again, uh,

years later and told him that story right and he was kind of shamed by it he was like yeah i think i was probably having a hard time that week and then i felt so stupid like why did i tell why and i wasn't trying to shame him i was like you're just like hey remember this is like a funny from you snapping to me this is a funny story yeah and then i instantly realized yeah why would he want to hear this story right yeah and so i felt bad about that right then i heard a story about him

that I, I, I then didn't feel bad again. Oh man. The story I heard about it was somebody, somebody told me a story about him that they had worked with him on something. Uh, and this was like, they, this person was, uh, was on the crew of this, this project. And they said, yeah, he told me a story once about, you know, being in Vegas and he was in a limo and he was being taken to the airport. And, uh, you know, uh,

He he was getting to the you know, he's chatting with the driver. And then when they got to the the airport, he said, what's the biggest tip you've ever gotten to the driver? And the driver said, two hundred dollars and or one hundred dollars.

Well, here's $101. He gave him $200 and said, who gave you that $100 tip? And the driver said, it was you. So this person's telling me this story like, isn't that like an awesome story? And I was like, that's a Frank Sinatra story. That's like an ancient story from the 50s or whatever. Right.

And then I made that person feel bad that told me the story. Oh, geez. The cycle of everyone feeling bad. Because of me. Why do humans interact with each other? This is the question. You humans are so curious to me. But here's the moral of this story, if I can take a moral from what you're saying. Sure, do it. Because I don't have one.

Well, it's just that we need to give each other breaks and be more lenient with each other. Yes, yes, yes. And be kinder to each other and remember that everyone's going through something. Well, I wouldn't go that far. I think we can give each other breaks. And some people are assholes and we should...

put them through cancel culture. We should give each other breaks. Do not be kinder to each other. Cancel people when you are able. If you're ever able to cancel someone, take that opportunity because it may not come around again. You've got a chance to cancel someone. You've got to do it. Do it for me. It's fun. It's fun.

It's fun to cancel people. Nobody stays canceled. No, it takes six months off. Ryan Adams just put out a record. There you go. Sinead O'Connor, the only person seen permanently canceled. Yeah, unfortunately. Had the best, like the rightest reason. Oh, yeah.

Not that she was wrong, but what she did was right, I think. Yes, exactly. I'm phrasing it poorly, but she was like... But we're on the side of the angels as far as Sinead goes. That's right. And Sinead is an angel. Isn't she, though? Don't all angels have shaved heads?

Is that the first thing that happens in heaven? Yep. St. Peter gets out the clippers. First thing that happens, come here, you. Just like in Stripes. Yeah. Do you remember in Stripes, everybody got their head shaved, but then Bill Murray and Harold Ramis just got nice haircuts? Yeah. There was no explanation of it. This is like Tommy Lee Jones in Batman, who showed up to work and saw the Too Faced makeup that would have taken an hour, or no, three hours to apply, and then said, I'm not doing that. Yeah.

And so they had to come up with like a face covering that they could put on in 20 minutes for him, which is why it looks so shitty. I never heard that story. That's why it looks terrible. No, I think just make me half purple. It's not going to get. And he was right. It didn't matter. It didn't matter. It just doesn't matter. Speaking of stripes. Speaking of stripes and meatballs.

What if... That's true. What if that had... Meatballs. Spaghetti. What if that... Meatballs. Spaghetti. It's too early. Too early for this. Too early. I'm getting too old for this shit.

Or as Doug Benson would say in his joke, I'm getting too old for this shit. Okay, so this is January 13, Paul. Okay. So this was pre-pandemic, and this is an episode called Wayne Scotting, Entree P. Neuer, and Italiano Jones. Now this, of course, of course...

has our friend David Wayne from Stella and the States and director of great movies like... They came together. They came together, role models, et cetera. The drummer. Wet Hot American Summer, of course. Creator or co-creator of Children's Hospital, all that. I mean he is a drummer, not that he directed Whiplash. But

One of our favorite guests to have on the show, our senses of humor really align. And anytime he's on the show, we call it Wayne Scotting because his name is David Wayne and I'm Scott. I get it. You get it. And this has two performers. This has the aforementioned Ego Wotum from Saturday Night Live. And we're going to be hearing a clip of her. And it also has Carl Tartt.

Another one of our favorites to have on the show. Now, we're going to be hearing both of these people. And Ego is playing Entree P. Neuer, who she's been doing on the show for a while, who is an inventor. And at a certain point, we heard Carl play her brother, Appetizer P. Neuer. But Carl... Yes. I remember that. I...

I remember that episode where at the end, Carl is looking at his phone. They're doing the plugs and everybody's yelling at him. He doesn't realize because they're calling him appetizer. Yeah, we're like, appetizer. Hey, appetizer. And he's reading something on his phone. We're like, appetizer. And he doesn't respond. He's like, huh?

Carl's so funny. He's so funny. He's not playing appetizer Pinour on this. No. He is playing Italiano Jones, which is the first time he did this character. It's really, I think, of the last. Really funny. We're going to be hearing two clips from this. First, we're going to be hearing David. Us hitting you. Second, you hitting the floor. You hitting the floor. We're going to be hearing David and I talking to Entree Pinour, and then Italiano Jones will come in. This is your episode 14. Number one for me.

Our next guest is a small business owner, and they have been on the show before. Oh, yes. Please welcome back to the show, Entree P. Neuer. How are you doing, Scott? I'm doing really well. How are you? I'm all right. A little perturbed.

This is David Wayne, by the way. Hi, David. Nice to see you. David Lil Wayne. Entrepreneur. Has anyone ever called you that? David Lil Wayne. I love it. Can that be my new moniker? Yes. Do you rap? Of course. Do you have a little penis? I got a little penis. Scott, have you seen Lil Wayne's dick?

Have I seen Lil Wayne's day? I'm presuming. Why would you alert the press? Why would you call yourself Lil anything unless you had a little dick and you were proud of it? Maybe it's a statue thing. Lil Bow Wow.

Little dick. You've seen all these dicks. Well, you saw my dick in the locker room before we started recording. That's right. We have a locker room here where we all shower before the show and we change. And a lot of times we take a steam and sometimes we'll be doing the show just in towels. Today we were wearing a... You're branded by Nike, I can tell. Yeah. You have the swoosh everywhere. Scott's wearing a robe, but his dick is poking out. Look, that's... Look, I know that with Weinstein and all that, he's finally on trial. Yeah.

But give me something. I can't change that quickly. That's okay, Scott. I'm not holding it against you. Just want your listeners to know how you're doing. I like to hold it against you. Okay. How are you, Entree? Ouch. Okay. Do you, Scott? Yes. I'm not interested in relations. You're not. You said you had a bone to pick with me, speaking of bones. I do. Bones.

Another bone. Speaking of David Boreanaz. A different bone to pick. I don't think you want your bone picked. Do you think David Boreanaz, anyone ever on the set of Bones? Is this the one from, oh yes, from Bones. Anyone ever went up to him and said, I got a bone to pick with you, and then they laughed and they high-fived. David, take this one. I thought that was your new nickname for me, David Boreanaz. For a moment there, I did as well. David Boring Wayness. Hey, wait a minute. This is your chance. Too close to comfort. Hey, I'm the one with the small dick. Oops. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Hi, Andre. Hi. You know, Scott, my bone to pick with you is that you call me a small business owner. I'm not a business owner. I'm an inventor. You are an inventor. I'm sorry. Of original ideas. I'm sorry. You have never – you don't have a small business where you have the capital in order to make these ideas. I'm seeking capital. You need the capital. And David Wayne, by the way –

A lot of passive income from his various projects. I do a lot of seeding, financial seed money that I put in escrow until it matured. Yeah, you basically plant a few seeds, watch these babies grow. But if you have something to pitch, I'd be willing to put in a couple million dollars to hear the pitch. Okay. Just to hear the pitch? Just to hear the pitch. I have lost a lot of money this way. I typically accept Bitcoin, but I will take a couple million.

I will take a couple million. A couple we're talking to. It's going to take me just a little bit to put together the cash. That's a lot of money. You have a lot of, like we mentioned, passive income, but you're not really entirely liquid, you were telling me. Well, I want aggressive income. Yeah, I don't know that I'm that liquid. I have hobbies, but go on. Okay. Okay, now Entree. Yes, Scott. I should warn you, David, that Entree has been on the show before. Okay. And Entree tends to have- Why does that require a warning?

Why does that require a warning? Consider myself horned. You are horned. Why do you feel you need to horn them? Well, I just, your ideas have never borne fruit necessarily into. Have you borne fruit? I don't know exactly what you're talking about. Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Do you want me to part this rope? If you were a woman, you wouldn't know what it is to bore fruit. And just to be clear, David, Wayne, I'm not a woman.

Okay. There's a bit of discrepancy in our memories about that, about whether you're a woman. I believe, if I'm not mistooking, I believe I am a man. Okay. And my belief is that may not have been established. You know, well, Scott, consider it established. But for 2020. 2020, it's a new day.

Entree P. Neuer is a gentleman who has come in here and has pitched us various things. And the one problem that I would say, Entree, is that you tend to pitch things- You're a hater. It's not that I'm a hater. Aside from that problem, what else?

You tend to pitch. Well, I don't even want to spoil it because I want David to just have a fresh, fresh ears. I like to hear the pitch fresh or else it crowds my judgment. Fresh pitch for you, David Loewy. Okay. So I'm thinking of something. I'd like your $2 million. What it is, is something that is real.

Rectangular in shape. Base. The base. Excuse me. Hear me out. Okay. Everything's a bit of a rectangle. Well, you seem to focus primarily, if I may be so bold, on rectangular things. Because I think when you pitched us a hospital. Sure. It was basically a rectangle. Was it a rectangle? I think it was. No offense, Scott. A lot of things are rectangular. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. No offense. Many things are born of a rectangle. None taken. None taken. Many things are born of a rectangle. None taken.

rectangular base. Okay. It's going to be connected to the ground. Okay. Okay. Or maybe do some molding around it connected to the ground. And then another rectangle upright on a different, on another side connected to that one. So it's like an upside down T. I'm just sketching this out. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Okay.

So sort of like the Titans Tower from the Teen Titans, but upside down. Right. Like an upside down timeout sign on a sports field. Right? Okay. So you know what a sports field is. Of course. Come on. You know the rules. I'm not a damned idiot. Okay. I'm not a stupid. Okay. The top of it is an oval. A top of the upside down. You're so focused on shapes.

What do you have against shapes? I'm trying to figure out what this is. It's a rectangle and then another rectangle. We have an upside down T. The oval is kind of on, is not upright per se. It's on its side. Sort of like the basis. Are you pitching the leaning tower of Pisa? No, no, Scott. No, I would never. That exists already. Why would I pitch that? This is a basketball hoop. No, it's not.

You're going to sit on top of it and let your dookie out. Let your pee-pee out. Okay. And then there's going to be a little... Why all the talk about rectangles when you're pitching a toilet? I don't have a name for it, Scott. Thank you. That's brilliant. I love it. Toilet. It exists. It exists already. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. You don't use a toilet? Never heard of it. What do you use? To do what? To do what you just said. The dookies. The dookies? Yes.

Well, not dookies. It's a dookies. I do it right where I am. Wherever I find myself. Wherever you lay your hat? Wherever I lay my hat. Is your home? Yes. Which is never near a toilet? I don't know what that is. If y'all want to call it a toilet. What is your house like? You don't have a mattress? You don't have a toilet? Where do you live? Where do I live? With my mother.

Well, she's dead. Well, that explains it. That explains it. She's dead. I don't own a home. She's dead. She's dead, but she still lives there? No, I just call it her house. So you know what a house is, because I think you pitched me those ones. Is that what that's called? Yes. Okay. I love the sound of it. I love to see it. What kind of house doesn't have a toilet? David just drew one. I can tell you. David drew a house that doesn't have a toilet. A bird house. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Thank you, David. You're right. You're right. A birdhouse doesn't have a toilet. David drew what looks like a vanity mirror. So you know what a vanity mirror is? Why is that so alarming to you, Scott? What is in your bathroom? A vanity and that's it? What about sinks? A vanity and a sink. One sink and a vanity mirror. So you know what sinks are? Sure, yes. So you know what plumbing is? What is? No. Why do you have to complicate things? Where does the water go in your sink?

I don't know. It just disappears? Where does your water go in your sink, Scott? Where exactly does it end up, Scott? Go, you have two seconds. In the Pacific Ocean. Oh, interesting. All I know is if someone said to me, describe a toilet, I would say an upside down T with an oval on top.

All right, look, we need to get to our next guest. He is a lawyer. Please welcome to the show Italiano Jones. Hello, thank you for having me. My name is Italiano Jones and I will fight for you. Oh, it's so nice to meet you, Mr. Jones. I work for the law offices of Italiano Jones and Associates and other miscellaneous items. Hmm.

Okay, that sounds great. What type of cases? By the way, this is entrepreneur. How you doing, young sir? How are you? I'm Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones and Law Services and Miscellaneous Other Items. And this is David Wayne. Hello, David. Nice to meet you. Of Wayne Scott and Jimmy2TMZ. It seems like your law firm changed its name in the last couple of minutes. How dare you?

My law officers never change their name. We will fight for you. I heard that you came here in an Amalamps. Yes, I did. Would you like to date? Can you spell Amalamps? I will spell it for you. Absolutely. Amalamps. A-M-B-U-L-A-N-C-E. Amalamps. He's right. Whoa, Black Betty. Amalamps. Amalamps.

That's another law office joke. Sounds like I found my lawyer. Would you not agree an ambulance is a very rectangular vehicle? Yes. They mostly are rectangular. I know when those exist. You know about those? Yeah. In Europe, they are oblong. Are they now? Yes. I would know. I am from Italy. You are? Yes. I wondered, Italiano Jones, is that a nickname? Why do you sound like you're from Chicago? It is a family name from Italy. I am from Italy. What part of Italy are you from? Tuscany. And why is your family name your first name?

That's how we do things in Italy. Oh, I see. I wasn't aware of that. Can you spell Italy? In other words, everyone in Italy is called Italiano something. Can you spell it? I-T-A-L-Y, Italy. What type of law do you practice, Italiano? I practice all types of law. Do you have a case? Are you in any type of trouble? Have you been injured in an accident? No.

Have you been injured in a self-inflicted wound? Self-inflicted wound? Who am I going to sue if it's a self-inflicted wound? We can sue thousands of people. We can sue so many people. Who do you sue? I guess the makers of the weapon that I use? We can sue Smith and Wesson.

Because to just Western cooking oil. Italiano. If you slipped on a bottle of Western cooking oil. On the bottle itself, not the product? Yes. And you shot yourself. How ironic would that be? Think about this. You are holding a gun and you are also frying something in your kitchen. Why would I be doing that?

And you put the bottle down. Am I trying to defend myself while I'm frying? In case you live in a rough neighborhood. Maybe you can't find a spoon and you've got to stir with something. Okay. You've got to stir with something. You live in South Italy, like me. I grew up in a rough neighborhood. Oh, yeah? The streets was tough. The pointy toe of that boot?

The pointy toe of the boot, absolutely. The pointy heel of the boot. Did you grow up with a godfather? I grew up with a godfather. His name was Roy. Not Italiano? No, my name is Italiano. It's a family name. Italiano, you sound like Mike Tyson. NC Johnson and Wax. It's a family company. You sound like Mike Tyson. You ever heard of Mike Tyson?

Mike Tyson? Mike Tyson, yes. I love him. Yeah, what do you love him for? I love everything. What part of his career? Be careful now. What do you love? You know I represented him in a case. Oh, no. Which one? I will tell you. Please do. We have a deal. He did just ask you to. He once bought a tiger online. Oh. And when the box came, the tiger was not in it. Oh, no. It was just a skeleton. Oh, no. Skeleton of a tiger or a human skeleton? A human skeleton. What? It gets weirder.

And so we went and found the company that sold him the, uh, the tiger box. Tiger box. He got to keep the skeleton too. Did you ever feel you? That's great. You fought for him, but where did the human skeleton come from? We do not know. We did not get that.

find that this is the mystery. We did not get that evidence. All we did was give him a real tiger and he got to keep the human skeleton and now it is up in his living room and it wears a doctor's lab coat. I will fight for you. Thanks to you. Thanks to me. Vitaliano Jones of Vitaliano Jones Law, Miscellaneous Services and Items of Law. So he has a skeleton wearing a doctor's lab coat like he's in a vaudeville sketch? Absolutely. Okay.

We all love Vaughnville. We go to watch Vaughnville movies at Mike Tyson's house all the time. You do? Really? Which ones? In his private theater. Oh, I'll tell you. We watch The Producers. You ever seen this? Entree? The Producers? Yeah. Never heard of it. No? No. Only thing I've seen is the wives. I guess I was talking about a movie theater. Oh, a theater? Yeah. You ever heard of that? Describe it to me.

it to me. Rectangular. Definitely. There's a rectangular thing in the front. I follow. And then there's a rectangular glass box filled with popcorn. There's definitely a rectangular thing that you go through in order to get there. I follow. Okay. And then what happens? You sit down on what I could only describe as a couple of rectangles upside down. Scott, everybody knows what a chair is, you dumbass. Have you been injured in a chair? Have you stood on top of a chair and tied a rope around your neck and jumped off? Then you would be dead.

I think you would be dead. I want to sue this ambulance company that let me get out of the ambulance on the way to the hospital. You want to sue the Ambulance? To do a podcast. What is the company called? It's called, I think it's called Ron's Ambulance. Oh, they have that same brand in Italy.

Okay. I have sued them before and I will sue them again because I will fight for you. But I am here from the law offices of... Yeah, we know where you're from. Italiano Jones. But Italiano Jones, what kind of money am I going to get out of this? I could get you thousands. I could get you hundreds. I could get you millions. How much money do you want, David Wayne? Thousands. You want thousands? You want the thousands instead of the millions? Yeah, that's what I'm in the mood for. You're a big lady. David Wayne, all I need is the evidence. I have an idea. I have

I have an idea. Maybe you and I could go into business together. How dare you? We're already in business together. This is how I dare. Okay. So maybe you have people to sue. We could go to a place to have these kind of suings and trials. All right. You know what a lawsuit is, but you don't know where they take place. A lawsuit is a silk suit you wear to a rectangle. I don't know.

I do all of my suings in one courtroom. Which one? The L.A. Municipal County courtroom. Okay. I fly all my cases here. That's a rectangular room. I've been there. Yeah, very rectangular. It's almost like... Y'all have been to this place. Yeah. It's called L.A. Municipal. It's like six rectangles. Six rectangles. Six rectangles. Yeah, just like the Olympic logo. And then what? Okay. I understand. So some of them are stacked upon one another. Have you ever been injured by the Olympic logo? No.

Did one of them fall off the Olympics and hit you in the face? That actually did happen to me. I will fight for you. That happened to you? It did happen to me. It did happen to me. I was hit by the red ring. Was it Alberta, 1988, the Winter Olympics? Yes. Yes, and? Perfect. Perfect? That is the only Olympics I am allowed to preside over. Yes, and? You're not allowed to preside over any other Olympics. Why is that?

Well, I have been banned from all other Olympic presidials. Presidials? So you're allowed to sue that particular Olympics, especially if the logo falls on somebody. Oh, and also Lake Placid, 1982. Oh, okay. Well, I was. I was. I'm looking for a quick check. A little late for Lake Placid, but great. I was. Alberta. Were you bitten by the big alligator in Lake Placid?

There's a giant alligator who lives in Lake Placid. His name is Steve. If he bites you, I will fight for you. How many people has Steve bitten? Oh, Steve has bitten thousands of people. Everybody who goes to Lake Placid to ice skate and the ice is never hard enough and they fall through. But just for conflict of interest reasons, I have to ask, have you ever defended Steve? I have never defended Steve in a court of law. I have, however, defended Steve to his mother when he came out.

Out of the closet? Yes. What did you say to Steve's mother? What a good friend you are. She was very upset with Steve when he came out because she's a homophobe. And I said... They're both alligators, right? Yes. And she said... What is your point, David, that alligators can't be homophobes? Well, now, wait a minute. Don't drag me into this. Drag him, Scott. Drag him. Cancel him. Drag him, Sid. I feel like all alligators can do what they please as long as they don't eat me.

Drag him. So you think they can be homophobes? You want them to be homophobes? Now, wait a second here. I,

Somebody is about to get canceled. Italiano, can I sue Scott for entrapment? You absolutely can. Oh, no. Where are you going to do the suing? Do it. I have a new space for you. A new space. It's a rectangle. I won't do six because that is excessive. We only need one rectangle. You can enter in that rectangle. There'll be other rectangles. Why would you need to enter if there's just one on the ground?

Well, it's going to be sort of a three-dimensional rectangle, which I have now learned, thanks to your wonderful listeners, is a cuboid. Cuboid. All right, so cuboid. Cuboid. Cuboid. Oh, cuboid. Boy.

Please get on your mark. Okay. Q Boyd. Boyd. Anyway, we don't need to bother ourselves with Boyd. But it's a Q Boyd. You'd enter. Inside, there will be a judge. Yes, I've heard of a judge, Scott. Don't you dare start to ask me. I've heard of a judge. Where do you think a judge usually works? A judge usually works from home. From home. From home.

Until your innovation, which you're in the middle of pitching. Exactly. Why would a judge who gets to work from home want to travel to another place? I would think that's one of the benefits of being a home-based judge. Scott, most judges are unsuccessful. The legal system is going to shit in this country. Because of lack of cuboid rooms. Because there are

not enough cuboid rooms in which to hold suings. So... You think the legal system is going to hell here? The legal system is going to hell just like you, Scott. You are going to hell in a handbasket with gasoline drawers on. Luckily... Light them up. I am friends with many judges. Sis, sis.

You're friends with many judges? I have friends with many judges. Spell judges! Spell judges. J-U-D-G-S. Do you feel like the judges' problem is that they're all working from home? That's the problem with our legal system? They're all working from home. I'm so sorry. Speaking of winning the suit, I've been meaning to announce this. There is going to be a suit that I'm going to be giving away to one of your lucky listeners. You're giving away a... And you can win the suit.

Meaning a dress suit? Yeah, it's a three-piece suit. Three pieces? It's a felt... So we're talking vest, pants, and jacket? Vest, pants, jacket. Wipe me down. It's a two-button suit. Yeah, wipe it... She's already all wet over there. He is, he is. Come on, David. Please stop misgendering me in 2020! I said...

I will represent you. I'm taking you to court. We're going to court. If any listeners do want to win this suit. How do they get involved in this contest? There's going to be the fifth caller we're taking right now at our 800 number. We're taking calls right now? Yep. Okay. All right. Let's go to the phones here. Caller, are you there? Hello? Hi, you're caller number one. Sorry, click. All right, let's go to the phones. Hello? Hey!

Hey, you're caller number two. Oh, cool. You don't win. Bye. Caller, are you there? Your mother's a jerk. My mother's a jerk? Well, fuck you. You're caller number three. You're caller number three. Click. Caller, are you there? I'm on the radio with T-Pain. No, T-Pain's not around. But you're only caller number four. You were so close. All right, bye. Click. Caller, are you there? 911, what's your emergency? Hey, this is caller number five.

I think the phone lines got crossed here. What's your emergency? We accidentally called 911. What's your emergency? What's your emergency? Ma'am, can I get your name? Because you have just won a...

Sharon, wow, that's amazing. What's your emergency? It's a three-piece suit. Does that change your tune at all? Oh, okay. Vest included. I love that. A lot of suits are only two pieces these days. Okay, all right. But do you have an emergency? I guess it's an emergency that we get this suit to you. Isn't that right? I called you. Isn't that something? Wait, is this Sharon? Yeah. Sharon from 911? Italiano. This is Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones Law Services. I thought you were never going to talk to me again. I'm sorry I said that.

I'm pregnant. What? Scott, hang up the phone. I'm not hanging up the phone. This is juicy shit. Hang up the phone, Scott. Italiano, I'm pregnant. I'm seven and a half months pregnant. You're ready to go. I'm ready to go. Is it Italiano's baby? I do believe so. I've only ever slept with Italiano. You believe so? I believe so. I've only ever slept with Italiano. He told me he was shooting blanks.

That is correct. I do shoot blanks. But this day, the blanks fired. Just like if you were cooking in your kitchen. Why is every one of your lawsuits cooking related? What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Well, now that you have the suit, I think that solves it. Then you can get married.

I'd love to. I would love to marry you in this suit. That suit is worth thousands. Use that for the baby. Scott, hang up the phone. You're a deadbeat dad. I liked you. You told me that every woman you met to this point thought you were stupid, didn't take you seriously, and that you appreciated that I saw your worth and your intelligence and what made you unique and special. And then you you left.

I did appreciate it. He confided into me that he did not want to feel like he was associated with a 911 operator as his main squeeze. Oh, you didn't? Really? That is what you call a conflict of interest. Are you kidding me? That is a conflict of interest. I help people. I also help people. Have you ever been injured? How is that a conflict of interest if you're both helping people? Because I work against them.

I am suing. Oh, you sued 9-1-1? I am going to sue 9-1-1. Okay, well, I'm getting calls for other emergencies at this point, so if you could take my number. You have an emergency. Italiana, please take my number down. Call me again. It's 9-1-1. I will not be able to award the suit. I'm sorry. Just looking at the bylaws, unless you give me your full address,

Right now. Okay, my full address is... It's got to hang up the phone. My full address, Italiano, I'd love to see you. I'm located at 5959 Emergency Lane. Emergency Lane? How ironic is that? That's where the dispatch... It's held funny and goofy. Emergency Lane. Always make... 911's got to be funny and goofy. Los Angeles, California. Mm-hmm.

9-1-1-6-9. All right, you'll expect that. 9-1-1 and then a 69? Is that what you guys were involved in? Yeah, it was an emergency. He called me. He said he had an emergency. This is how we actually met. It turned into a 69? It turned into a full-blown 69. Don't let people tell you that you cannot get someone pregnant doing 69. You absolutely can. It just went down the wrong pipe. It went down the wrong pipe. She started to cough, and now she is saying all of this nonsense. Number 14.

Oh, so good. Italiano Jones. We heard it. It doesn't get better than that. We heard it. Wait, what about the stuff that I do? I mean, it's not better. It's different. Oh. Oh.

I knew it. Look, there's 13 better than this, according to the listeners, because we still have... Well, then you lied. That's true. That's just my opinion. And speaking of 13, we're going to get to episode 13 after the break. We'll be right back with more Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2020, part one after this.

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Comedy bang bang. We're back. And that same plane just flew by and we had a good bit of business where we off mic. Well, I mean, it was on mic. It was while we were sharing with the people because I think they would enjoy. It was funny. Paul was imitating the plane guy. A little plane flying overhead. And then I imagine that he was saying, I forgot my phone charger. And then I was saying how funny it would be that he was shouting down to the people below. And then Paul said, what?

if he had a banner that he was dragging behind the plane. And then I said, I remember the banner, but I forgot my phone charger. Ironic, isn't it? Right? It loses something in the translation, I feel like. No, that was funny. And if you don't think that was funny, fuck you. Also, if you did think it was funny, fuck you. Hey, fuck all y'all. Fuck all y'all. That is the message of Comedy Bang Bang every year. Hey, you know what? What's happening? Because we got so caught up talking about Sprague the Whisperer. Caught up. Yep. I want to shout out.

Is that a song? You want to shit? Yeah, it's an Usher song. Oh, okay. I wanted to shout out Lily Sullivan. It's her first time on the Countdown. It was her first episode. We didn't hear her clip, but we may hear more of her a little later. Yeah, but Lily is so funny. Now I feel dumb because we're going to hear from her later, obviously. I don't know. I don't want to give anything away. Well, now you've put me in a very awkward position.

What, of everyone knowing that you think she's funny? Yes. You didn't want anyone to know that? Well, if she doesn't show up later in the countdown, then there's no proof that she is. She may show up later. I know, but you're playing it cagey. I'm cagey as fuck.

KG is Nick. That's right. All right. Let's hear. Let's do it. Let's get to it. Let's get it on. This is the last clip we'll hear of this episode. This is. The Ecology. Episode. The Ecology. 13. Number one. Three. All right. Episode 13. The Ecology. The Ecology. This comes. This is episode 644. Oh, The Ecology. Yes, of course. The Ecology episode. The Ecology episode.

This was released March 9th. 9th. March 9th. March 9th. So this would have still have been in the studio. Okay. And this is an episode called Fall Olympics. Ring in any cups? No. Turn it upside down. Any C cups? Any D cups? Come on. Let's boobs. Turn it upside down like the calculator.

Ha ha, boobless. Boobless. Was that like, I know it was funny that it would spell that, but would you like insult anyone by saying, hey, check out what you are. Let me do some calculations. I think yes. And then turn it around and go, this is you. I believe that was the idea. I never did that personally. To do it to members of the IBT. Itty bitty titty committee.

This is an episode called Fall Olympics, and let me tell you who the participants of this are. This is John Gabrus, who's been on the show for many years now, playing... A variety of characters. Most famously, Gino the Intern. Yes, of course. Gino the Intern, who is an intern from Long Island who is sort of a parody of...

a certain type of radio fan, uh, who likes Opie and Anthony and, uh, is, is like a real Long Island kind of bro character, which is, um, 10% different than, uh, John Gaberson real life. I think that's very generous. I like to be generous. It's the holidays. Uh, so he's on this. And then we have, uh, we also have, uh, coming up after the clip. We'll hear is Dan Lippert, who is back, uh, Dan Lippert, uh, doing, and, and I, I,

Unfortunately, we couldn't play a clip. We don't have time to play a clip of him doing Bill Walton, but that was one of his breakout characters. That's a really funny clip, but we're not going to hear that. We're actually going to hear the clip from the middle guests who are Darcy Carden.

and Brandon Scott Jones. Both of them actors on The Good Place, which is the NBC show that just ended its run. And Darcy got nominated for an Emmy. Yes, she did. Well deserved. After this episode, yes. She plays Janet on The Good Place. And Brandon Scott Jones plays John Wheaton. Can I say you made it sound like she got nominated for an Emmy? For this episode? For this episode of Comedy Bang Bang? Well, the Emmys should cover Comedy Bang Bang, should they not? Yeah, they don't, though. By the way, I was nominated for...

for an iHeartRadio podcasting award about a week ago or so. And first of all, no one contacted me to let me know this. How did you find out? I found out because I have a Google alert for Comedy Bang Bang.

Wow. Mistake. Well, no, it just is just for like news articles. I get it. I get it. So a news article popped up and it was like, I heart comedy podcasting awards or whatever, a podcasting awards nominations and comedy bang things in there. I'm like, did I get nominated for an award? No one from Earwolf or anyone contacts me and has not contacted me since I open it up and it's not for the show.

It's for ad reads. What? I was nominated for my ad reads. That's bizarre. That's bizarre. That's bizarre. Because all of the good comedy shows that were nominated are, of course, Conan O'Brien doesn't have any friends and all of the wonderful comedy podcasts that are out there now that are so funny.

No, his show is really funny, but I think the other ones I'd never heard of maybe. Anyway, they were all nominated, and I got nominated for Ad Reads. It's wonderful to be nominated, and I can't wait to go to that ceremony. I never got nominated for Ad Reads. I used to do multiple characters. Your Ad Reads are good. I don't know why I'm getting nominated for them. No, I don't either. Your Ad Reads are terrible. They're bad. Hollywood Handbook also nominated. Theirs are probably better than mine. In any case- Well, they do-

They do get all of the sponsors to cancel their sponsorships. It's true. It's true. I'm aiming for something in between.

Do you know they left Earwolf and I was told about it by someone the night before they were going to announce it. Yeah. And for a split second I was like, what if I just announced it right now? You should have. But then it's like, don't do pranks if you don't want pranks to be done on you. Ah, that's a good...

Right? Motto? Because people might do them anyway, but if you do a prank, people will do them more. They will definitely do it. Yeah. I mean, we talked about that with Nick Thune and-

uh, Brendan Walsh and yeah, their prank war escalated, unfortunately, where I, I, I don't think they enjoyed it. Um, there was a loss of life. That's, that's right. One of them died. Um, so we're going to hear from Darcy and Brandon Scott Jones. Uh, this is Brandon's first episode ever on, uh, comedy band gang. Do you think it will be his last? It may be. No, uh, we'll, we'll figure that out as, uh, next year comes, but, uh,

This is two new characters, and this is your episode 13. Number one, three. All right, well, let's get to our first guest. This is incredible. Have you ever met a lobbyist before, Gino? Yeah, that's like one of those dudes in like a white shirt with a tie. That's a Mormon. No, no, no. And they have like a little hat and a phone.

They're sitting at a desk whenever you enter a building before you get on the elevator? That's a secretary. Oh, okay. But someone in the lobby is what you're... Oh, that's what I'm thinking of, yeah. Are you thinking of a security guard? I don't know. Does he, like... It looks like the dad from Family Matters. Okay, yeah. Yeah.

That's specifically the security guard from Die Hard. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's who I'm thinking of. Nakatomi Plaza. Yeah. No, that's not a lobbyist. He just hangs out in the lobby. He actually never made it into the lobby, I believe. He was always sitting outside in that cop car and then a guy fell on his cop car and he was like, oh, shit's going down. That's bad news. They are lobbyists.

Please welcome to the show Chris and Chris Starbo. Hi. Hey, how's it going? Hi, y'all. It's great. Hi, guys. Thank you so much for coming. No, thank you so much for having us. This is Gino. Don't let him distract you. He's going to be constantly fiddling with the levels. I'm going to be fucking with the levels and I have a sleeveless shirt on. Just deal with both of those things. Oh, we noticed. Oh, we noticed. Which one of you is Chris? I'm Chris.

Chris. Hi, Chris. Nice to meet you. Now you're also talking to me because I'm also Chris. Okay, now that's the funny thing is both our names, they do happen to be Chris. Spelled exactly the same. Exactly the same. But stand for different things. They stand for different, meaning they are nicknames for

Or something that is... A little bit. A little bit. Like Scott is short for... Scottrick, probably. Exactly. So it's a nickname for Scottrick. John is sometimes short for Jonathan. Or Gino is short for Ginovani. Right. So you have different names... Oh, yeah.

Are you related? Can we talk about that? Well, we are heavily married. We are heavily married. Deeply married. Deeply married. Then that's not too weird because I think Chris could always, you know, date a Chris. I'll tell you. We did. We did. It was one of, you know, I remember our first date. You remember it? Oh, I remember it. I hope she does. I know. I have a bad memory. She does have a bad memory. Mommy brain.

I know, she got mommy brain. Yeah, you guys are lobbyists. We are. Well, you say lobbyists as if we're some sort of big government, but we are not that. No. We're thinking global. We have a little dream and a little team. Oh, we have a little? Just the two of you? So it's a little dream with a little team that's global. That's global? Well, it's starting little, but to grow, you need little first. You do. Hey, you're telling me. Listen, look, the world's biggest plants start as a seed. That's what I'm

I'm saying. And what is the biggest plant? I guess maybe India rubber. I don't know. Redwood? Yeah, sure. One big cactus. Redwood is the biggest plant. I guess the world's biggest cactus is probably the world's biggest plant. There you go. Exactly. So that's what we're about to grow into the world's biggest cactus. That's right. And we're about to announce a campaign for something that I think is going to shake up not only the world. Wow.

You're about to announce it. When are you going to announce it? We wanted to do it here. Oh, you're going to do it here? Oh, yeah. I think we're going to do it. It's a smart move. There's a huge audience on this show. I've been doing it for fucking seven years and my career has absolutely taken off. And you've already had one show behind a paywall. Yeah. Keep looking up. I'm going to make almost $10,000 in 2020. Exactly. Well, here it goes. Here it goes. Okay. We want the Olympics.

to be in Winscourt ASAP.

Wow. We are starting the campaign. As soon as possible. ASAP. To get the Olympics in Winscourt as soon as possible. How about 2020? Well, we have heard that it is spoken for. It is spoken for. 2022, 2024, 2026, 2028. Right. Yeah, they're all locked down. But 2030 is not locked down at this point? As far as we've heard.

Do you guys know if you want winter or summer? Because that kind of depends on... Now, here's the thing, Gino. That would be winter. Here's the thing. We don't care. We'll take them all. We'll take fall and spring. Okay, so you want made-up Olympics to happen. No, well, not made-up Olympics, but think about it. The first annual...

Olympics. And you want your Olympics to be every year. That's first annual. You heard that right. This first annual. So the fall Olympics. Official Olympics every fall in Iowa. That's what we said. That's what we said. That is what we said. And that's what we mean. What are some of the fall sports? Because usually the summer sports are hot and the winter sports are cold. Oh, hey, thanks, Scott. That's what you pay a host for. I'm merely trying to contextualize their

Imagine you've seen a ski jump before. Have you seen a ski jump before? Let me think. Let me look back through the recesses of my mind and comb through all of my memories to see if I've ever seen a ski jump. Oh, there's one. Yes, I have. I went to Lake Placid one time to blow a guy and I saw a ski jump up there.

Oh, so you're, um, you are bisexual. He is bisexual, yeah. That's a good guess. He's also on the spectrum. I'm on the sexual spectrum and I'm, uh... The emotional spectrum. I'm on the emotional spectrum, I'm on the neuroatypical spectrum. I'm on a lot of spectrums. Right, right. Uh, ROYGBIV, of course. Yeah.

So dumb. Are you an ENFP? What are you? Yeah. What is it? I'm all those extrovert, maniacal, fingering pirate. Ahoy. My goodness. Oh no. Gino, you're grabbing your little pole. Yeah, I almost peed there. Well, it's not, I have a huge, it's hard for me to hold in my piss. I have to put a whammo frisbee in, uh,

perpendicular in order to clog up my urethra. Understandable. Goodness. Oh, it's fine going in. Coming out's the problem. The Frisbee? Yeah. You have to squeeze the base and pop it off the top like a pen tennis ball container. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Great couple. Yeah. We can all agree. My favorite production cod. Shit, Ubu, shit. Good dog, woof. Good dog, woof, baby. So how do you think, I mean, Iowa, especially Winscourt. That's right, Winscourt. Is not...

a large town. I've never heard of it, I would imagine. You got that one right. Sioux City maybe would have more of a possibility? I think so, but we got the land. We do have so much land. We have so much land and we were driving around the other day and we were looking out. Thank you. We have a truck. We have a truck. We have a truck. We have a Toyota Tacoma. It's dark green. It's dark green. Do you pay cash or are you on a payment plan? Wow, you guys are answering all the follow-up questions I had. What color? What model? What color?

Did we pay in cash? We did. How'd you get that much cash available? Well, we've been saving it up. A lot of people in Winscourt, we put our cash into Folgers cans and we put it into the ground. Into the ground. Oh, okay. And when it comes time at Easter every year, we all...

Thank you, Jesus. You just say one thing you want. Like on Good Friday or something, you just dig up all the Folgers cans. You've been there. You've been there. I've not been there, but it sounds like an amazing tradition. Oh, it is. It is. It's the resurrection the way we do it. It's dollar bills coming out of the ground, just like Jesus came out of the ground. And everyone names one thing that they want, and then they buy it. And then they buy it with the cash that they find. And we bought a dark green Toyota Tacoma. Guess the color of the seats. Ah.

Brown. That's right. Oh, okay, great. That's right. We would have also taken tan. We would have taken tan. Beige? Yeah. Okay, yeah, anything within those earth tones. That's correct. I said I would have taken tan after I fucked Antony. Okay. So how...

How do you guys expect to lure people into Winscourt? I mean, it doesn't sound like there's a lot to do, but you say you were driving around the other day? We were driving around the other day. We were just thinking of ideas. Oh, it was cool. Thank you. It was cool. We have a car. It was a Toyota. It's a Toyota Tacoma. It's a truck. Guess what color? Tan. That's right. The seats. So we were driving around.

We were driving around. I remember we were listening to the radio and you nudged me. And we looked out the window and you're like, look at all that space. Oh, just miles of it. Why is the radio part of the story? Because we were listening to a song that we first made love to. Our favorite song. What is that now? Oh, it is Absolutely. You can say, we can answer it if you'd like. Production card for Absolutely? They were playing that?

On the radio? Absolutely. Absolutely. So you're listening to the radio. You take a look at all this space. We see a big, big pile of leaves. Is that common out there in Winscourt? Absolutely.

Because we have trees every which way. Up, down. That's right. Exactly. You look up, you look down, you look to the right, you look to the left. And there's just trees everywhere. Just rotting with trees. Rotting. Rotting with trees. Rotting with trees. And we thought to ourselves, now wouldn't that be fun to just...

Ski right down a hill. Just you ski down a hill. And then you just let loose. And you just fly through the air. Oh, like a bird. And then you have the skis on. And where do you land? You don't land in snow. No, because we don't get a lot of snow. We don't get a lot of snow. It's an unusual vortex of climate. Interesting. Yeah.

That's Winscore. That's Winscore, baby. Let me guess, you land in the Leafs. You got it. Okay, I'm just trying to cut to the end. I saw it probably right from when you mentioned the Leafs. Right, right, right. And we were listening to the radio. I kind of felt this from the beginning when you said fall a limit. Yes, that's right. So we're all in the

A lot of leaf-related sports. Leaf-related sports. We're all on the same page, page 110. That's right. That's exactly right. You know what? Yes, exactly. Pumpkin carving. Pumpkin carving. When you think of a pool, what's your favorite thing to do in a pool? That's a great question. Swimming, probably. You say that, but the real fun stuff is clearing the leaves away so you can do it. Oh.

Skimming. Skimming. That's right. Skimming. Skimming. These are some of the events, and they have to be fall-based, but based on Summer and Winter Olympics sports, too. You got it right. So cornucopia, what would you do with something like that? You would fence with them. Okay. Cornucopia, we could also, yeah. You could fence with them. You could also throw them like some sort of javelin. Oh, yeah. A shot put. It would be nice to throw them like a javelin.

We would like to throw them like a dang javelin. Dang javelin. Right. Well, so, yes. By the way, is that what you said? I said up, up, up, and away. Oh, I thought you said by the way. I was very excited for like a detour. Okay. Isn't that a fun little... We were all excited for a detour. So, but how are you going to lure the Olympics? Here's the thing. Olympics, when you think of the Olympics, you think international. Right.

I think seven rings. Seven rings. Seven rings. Seven rings international. The Roy G. Biv rings. That's right. Seven rings. What do those seven rings represent? They represent all of the continents. Yes, and each color, this is real, each color of those rings, at least one of those colors, is in a nation's flag.

Now, that's something that you may not have known. But it's something that you learn when you're trying to get the Olympics to come to your hometown. Hey, all right. And so we were looking at the food court in this mall. I'm sorry, what did we just learn? That each color of the ring is a color that corresponds to a nation on one of those continents. That's right. We're talking red, orange, yellow, green, blue, not to mention purple.

Wonderful flags all. Wonderful flags all. What does the Antarctica flag look like? Is it purple? It's under eyes, so it's difficult to see. I got to go claim Antarctica. I don't think anyone's ever claimed it. The flag is on the right. Just like your mama. Oh, that wasn't meant to be an insult. We're not going to start doing snaps on this show, are we? Hey, what's the difference between Antarctica and your mama? Get me started. I love a good beer.

Men have an easier time finding my mom. Oh, you guys have chemistry and it's thick. It is thicker than the- You guys have not stopped staring at each other for 21 seconds. Oh my gosh. My goodness. It's thick. And I'll tell you, we're open as hell. So live your life. Oh, yeah. As everyone knows, I'm Polly and I like to fuck white people. That's why I say Polly want to crack. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Jesus.

Listen, we're God-fearing folk where we come from, but Jesus fucking Christ. It's a little too much for you guys. Number one, three. Oh, boy. Episode 13. Lucky 13. Right? Lucky number? Slevin. Slevin. Slurpteen. Slurpteen. Slurpteen. Lucky number, slurpteen.

7-Eleven should have like a promotion slurp teen. Yeah. Shouldn't they? Absolutely. Absolutely. I don't know what it would be for, like on the 13th of every month? On Friday? You get free slurpees? I think on whenever it's a Friday the 13th. Yes. Friday the slurp teen. They should make that slurpee day, free slurpee day. Free scary slurpee day. Yeah, it's scary. There might be glass in there.

The sequel to There Will Be Blood. There might be glass in there. There might be glass in there. Where Henry Plainview's descendants. Henry. What is it? Daniel. Oh, that's right. Okay. I've only seen it once. Henry Plainview. Only saw it once and saw Judd Apatow and Daniel Day-Lewis doing a talkback after it. Very bizarre. Judd Apatow. Yes, interviewing Daniel Day-Lewis. Of all the people. And he asked Freaks and Geeks questions. Freaks and Geeks. Freaks and Geeks. Freaks and Geeks.

which is partially why Busy was upset at me because I called it Freaks and Gweeks. Yeah. And you had Daniel Day-Lewis on to talk about it. Yep. And not her. I have seen her stichels. Please don't write to Busy and bug her about this.

But that was a really funny clip. Those guys are funny. And, of course, the Olympics were postponed for a year since that episode. So maybe they might come back on to talk about that. Maybe they will. Hopefully the Olympics will not be in Los Angeles, but they probably will be. They're supposed to be in Japan this coming year. And we were all like, is this actually going to happen in the summer? Yeah, but it was stopped by Japan droids. That's right. That is Japan droids.

A lot of people don't know, but a lot of bands are out there fighting the good fight. The Foo Fighters, obviously, are out there. Foo Fighters, Japan Droids, Shonen Knife. Shonen Knife, yeah. They're armed, loaded for bear. And you will know us by the Trail of Dead. Of course, yeah. They're all out there doing the Lord's work out there. While you sit in your houses. Do you know who's not doing anything? Soft Cell. Oh, my God. They're not even a sleeper cell. They actually are.

Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. They're going to wake up and be soft? Yeah, that's right. Someone's going to turn the Queen of Spades. What was it? Queen of Hearts, I think. Queen of Hearts. I think it was the Queen of Hearts. Is that what the song playing with the Queen of Hearts is all about? Absolutely. She loved that movie.

Dave Edmonds originally wrote it. Dame Edna. Dame Edna wrote Queen of Hearts based on the Medtoring. That's as weird as Paul Schaefer writing it's raining men. That's right. Hallelujah. What is keeping Obama's sleeper cells? What is happening? I've been trying to trigger them to wake them up. It's been like four years since he's been out of office. Come on. Thanks, Obama. We're supposed to have Sharia law. We're supposed to have Sharia law. We're supposed to have Sharia law.

Whatever happened with Obama's sleeper cells? What's the deal? Jerry Seinfeld doing weird material. Boy, Jerry, ever since he landed on his head after toppling out of his garage, one of his garages. Wait, what? He's been talking about weird shit.

I'm saying I'm in an alternate universe. This is what would cause it. A what if scenario. Yes, of course. I am a watcher of the watcher. What if Jerry Seinfeld fell out of one of his garages, hit his head, and started talking about Obama's sleeper cells? Why aren't there superheroes in this? Be quiet. No one ever said, I only observe reality about superheroes. How are you able to talk on the moon? How can I hear you? I'm a watcher of the watcher.

All right. Well, that's going to do it for this episode. That was really fun, but the clips only get better from here. I want to shout out Lily Sullivan again. No. She's extremely funny. No. We'll talk about her later. That's going to do it for us. I got you. Damn it. That's going to do it for us. Ripple stilt skin. We'll see you on Thursday. Straw into gold. Speaking of straw, gold.

We'll see you on Thursday with part two. And until then, keep smiling. That's going to be our post-show catchphrase. I like it. Keep smiling, everybody. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Keep smiling.