Best of 2020 Part 2
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Wompers Jr.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2020 Part 2. Part 2. I'm going to take you to Part 2. Big Audio Dynamite, as we have talked about before. Scott's favorite band. That's right. There's no one better. Isn't that funny, though? Big Audio Dynamite 2 was pretty good as well. It is somebody's favorite band, though.

I guess. I mean, look, I like them more than the average person. I have, I think, every record they put out. This is not to say that they're bad, but it's funny that even a short-lived band that didn't put out much stuff, that's somebody's favorite band. And they must be so bummed. Like, man, this is as good as it got for me music-wise. Right. And they did two albums. Well, they did about eight. I'm doing like a theoretical. Come on. Don't play these games with me. That, of course, you know.

This podcast is probably someone's favorite podcast, if you can believe it. That can't be true. Yeah, I don't know.

By the way, thank you to Euripides Shorts for that catchphrase submission. Catchphrase superstar. Catchphrase superstar, Euripides Shorts. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2020 Part 2. And my name is Scott Aukerman, and I am the host of Comedy Bang Bang. I see somebody at your door up there. Someone trying to get in or someone just like peeking over? I just saw movement. I just saw movement. I can't see the top of the door. Occasionally packages get dropped off. Mr. Wilson? Mr. Wilson?

Isn't that weird how two neighbors in two different shows. So alike in dignity. What is the quote? So alike in both houses. No, two houses, both alike. What is it? I can't remember. Both alike in what? Ah, the bard. Both alike in. Oh, no, I'm going to have to look it up. But first I wanted to see who that person was. Both alike in liking Mike. I like Ike.

I like Mike. Two houses. Can someone like Mike and Ike's? Here we go. Ready? Two households, both alike in dignity. What was dignity? In dignity, yeah. In fair Verona, where we lay our scene. Oh, shit. That means this is where it takes place. This is where this shit happens.

In the room where it happens. And I wonder what, oh, Romeo and Juliet, of course. They had to do that before Lower Thirds. That's right. They couldn't just say Verona. Like CNN Lower Thirds. They had to say like, this takes place in Verona. I guess they did, you know. I guess maybe they could have had a banner. Much like that plane had.

He's back again. I got my phone charger. I took the wrong one. I need a T-Mobile charger. I mean, and also programs. Programs are supposed to tell you everything. You know, you don't see modern shows, people going like, hey, by the way, this takes place in Ireland. But here's the thing. No one could read them.

Oh, that's right. It was before reading was invented. That's right. Shakespeare was fundamental. It was certainly not fundamental. Writing was invented because obviously Shakespeare was writing these plays. Oh, I thought he dictated the plays to the actors who were all women. Of course. As was the custom. Because it was a feminine profession. That's right. And is to this day.

The Starcross lovers, Romeo and Juliet, were they not? They were Star Trek lovers. They were Star Trek lovers. No, they love Star Wars, as you know, because that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. A long time ago. Star Trek has not happened yet. And you should know this. Star Trek. Star Trek. As the host of the Star Trek podcast. Pod directive cast. Me and the great Tony Newsome. That's right. Where you guys talk about Star Trek. I wondered when I heard you were doing that, how much do you know about Star Trek? I know a

I know a good deal about Star Trek. Because I feel like you have talked about watching one of the...

I guess they are. But I don't remember you ever talking about knowing that much about the original series. Well, I watched the original series as a kid when it was in reruns. And I loved it. I was captivated by it. And then when TNG came out, I watched that as it aired. And then I started rewatching it a few years ago. Tell me more. I used to watch Deep Space Nine. I'm not as versed in Voyager.

What was that one that Bakula was on? Or Dracula? Enterprise. Who was it, Dracula or Bakula? Count Bakula. He was on Enterprise. I've watched a little bit of that. I might watch more of that. It was a little rough to get into. What if, much like the weird devil in Star Wars, what if a Dracula just came onto one of the decks in Star Trek? I would.

He's wearing the cape in the middle. But here's the thing. If it were Star Trek, it would be a whole story. I,

There would be a whole, like everyone on the planet would look like Dracula. Widow's Peak, the whole thing. Talk like this. Your so-called prime directive. But would the story of Count Dracula have happened in the Star Trek universe? There would be a reference to it. Like this guy looks a lot like Dracula. In the middle of... That story that no one ever remakes or talks about anymore. Many planets and cultures have the Dracula legend under various names. Okay, let me do an impression and see if you know who this is.

Starting 34, 34. Can you tell who that is? I wish people could have seen the physicality that went along with it. Starting 34, 26, 32. Did you ever see Dana Gould and me and Ken Daly do the three Shatners? Yes. Where did you do it? It was very funny. We did it at Pedro's. Do you remember Pedro's? Yes, I remember. I used to book a show at Pedro's. That's right.

We did, there's this old clip of William Shatner at the Science Fiction Awards from the 70s.

Rocket Man, the Elton John song. And he's doing this very strange sort of beat poetry rendition of it. But it also features different versions of William Shatner singing the song with him. Super imposed, yeah, onto each other. So you'd see three different images of his face. Yeah. And body. Yeah, that's true. I mean, they didn't just cut him off at the chin. No.

If he had a body in frame, they would show it. Oh, yeah. And Dana Gould had the idea to do it live. So it was me and...

This is a very Dana Gould idea. It was Dana, me, and Ken Daly, and we did it. We just did the song. I remember it. It was so much fun. Yeah. Those were fun days. That was back around 1997, of course. That's right. But if you can find that clip of William Shatner, it's an amazing clip. It's really good. Him singing Rockin' Man was also the inspiration for a bit we did on Bajillion Dollar Properties. That's right. Yes. If you can find that clip, good luck to you.

And to all your family, too. It is Christmas Eve, by the way, today. What? And yes, that's right. Oh, shit. I have a bit of a problem. Oh, no. You know how I'm a miser, right? Sure, yeah. And you studied Meisner as well. I'm a Meisner miser. And I don't like Christmas. Right. You're a misanthrope. Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah.

I humbug or things that I've heard you say every once in a while. I've said those things individually and together. Yes. And I'm kind of worried. Usually when you're saying bar, you're saying it to some black sheep.

Well, then I'm saying it a bunch of times in a row. Yeah, sure. Of course. And then I have a question. Believe me. That's right. And sometimes when you watch the movie Black Sheep with Chris Farley and David Spade. Or the TV show Baa Baa Black Sheep starring Robert Conrad. Of course. Did you say Chris Farley was a guest this year? Yeah, he was. Okay. He time traveled. And I will... Here's the thing. I'm a little scared to go to sleep tonight. Why? Because I get the feeling that...

I should not have been this way all my life. Right. To be fair, I wasn't always like this. Well, I remember there were these years where you were kind of young and you were sort of a romantic. Dumb. I was full of something. Oh, it was semen. You're going to come right out and say it? I was full of semen. I was packed to the rafters with it. Your living room balls were just swollen. Yeah.

But yeah, I wonder if I... Well, what's the worst that could happen? You die in your sleep? No, I think something worse than that could happen. Something worse than dying? Yeah. I mean, I'd love to die in my sleep. I wish. Oh, man, that's the way to go. That is the way to go. Like just to have, you know, that statue that I have right above my bed? Just to have that topple over in an earthquake and land on my head and crush my skull to death. That's what I call dying in your sleep. That's the dream.

I really should have fixed that to the wall a little more carefully, but. Yeah. You don't want it to fall over like that video of the fake toddler climbing the dresser. The dresser falls over, the TV smashes its face in. It's a reproduction of Michelangelo's David. Or is it a reproduction? Is that true? Yeah.

Or is it a reproduction? I actually stole Michelangelo's David and swapped it out for a reproduction. You're like Indiana Jones. Yeah, that's right. It belongs in my house. It belongs in my house. So do you. References. We got them. We got them all. Paul F. Tompkins is here. I don't know whether I said that. Hi there.

And we are, of course, this is part two of the Best of 2020. Of course it's part two. In the previous episode, part one, we counted down episodes 16 through 13 that you, the voters, have voted on. Every year we put out a voting page and everyone votes on it. I think that's pretty clear. Yeah.

And we got a lot of votes this year. We got, let me look it up. How was turnout this year? Turnout was good. And let me just, because I asked for clarification on this and I got it. So I just want to make sure that I have the right numbers here. But, oh yes, we got over 30,000 votes this year. What's the record? I don't know. I was wondering that, but... Ask July? Yeah.

Ask July and answer July. Who would know? Every year. Well, July does have the page, but I'm sure we've discussed it every year. I wonder if we're going down in votes. I'm sure I'm disgusted every year. Who knows? Anyway, 30,000, nothing to sneeze at. And especially this year during COVID-19. Please don't sneeze at things. And if you do, wash your hands. We got 30,000 votes. And look, first, don't sneeze. But if you do, wash your hands. And if you don't wash your hands...

God bless you. Wash your nose. If you sneeze, wash your nose. Ladies, wash your noses. Ladies, wash your noses.

We are going to, on this episode, be listening to 12, 11, 10, and 9. So we're going to crack the top 10. We are going to, on this episode, be listening to episodes chosen by V. That's right. Paul, of course, is a little troll. The Comedy Bang Bang troll.

Who lives under a bridge. Why do trolls like to live under bridges? Under bridges do we dwell. Otherwise, it feels like hell. Seems like you could live in like a toll booth next to the bridge. Couldn't you? It'd be a little more comfortable. In a toll booth should I? In a toll booth should I reside? I would sit alone and would have cried. Inside.

Inside. Inside. You know. Inside. Yeah. So we're going to hear about 12.

Why a troll booth? Because of troll? Troll booth? Troll booth. That's what I should have said. Oh, that's my movie. Troll booth. That is not a bad pitch. Troll booth. That's the end of the pitch. That's it. I have one word for you. It's like the Space Force pitch. And it's not hyphenated. What was the Space Force pitch? Was it just Space Force? Netflix pitched Space Force to Steve Carell and his producing partner. Could you make a show of this?

Those are my favorite. I actually, when we pitched the Michael Bolton Valentine's Day special, which is great to watch during the holidays, because if you haven't seen it, there's a reason why. You can watch it during Christmas. If you haven't seen it, there's a reason why. Yeah, I don't want to spoil it, but there is a reason why it's good to watch during Christmas. I was going to say, if people haven't seen it, there's a reason why they haven't. I don't want to spoil it, but it's because you're an asshole and a dick bitch. If you haven't heard episode one, that's a callback.

I'm not just saying dick bitch. Episode one of Comedy Bang Bang. That's right. Go all the way back.

But when we pitched the Michael Bolton Valentine's Day special, all we did was make a poster and said, look at this. It's going to be like this. Because we didn't have any of the segments in it because we didn't write it or anything. That's right. We were like, it's going to be this. And it worked. And it worked. Multiple offers. From the same company? Yep. And it said, pick which one. And we picked the smallest. We're all going to write a number on a piece of paper. Yeah.

Slide them forward at the same time. You can combine them if you want or just pick one. If I were you, I'd combine them. Well, we just picked one. One is $1. That's the one we picked, unfortunately. Oh, no. And it said doll hair, too, and we knew it said doll hair. Fuck.

Because it was written. Oh, boy. So every year we do this, Paul, and it's Christmas Eve. And hopefully by tomorrow and by the next episode, you're going to like Christmas. Who knows?

Yeah, I don't know. I feel like something weird is going to happen. Maybe. Who knows? But something weird is going to happen on this episode. We're going to hear some great clips. We're going to hear clips from these episodes that you voted on. By the pricking of my thumbs, a bunch of great clips this week comes. You're getting better at rhyming. Thank you. Your characters have traditionally not liked to rhyme all that much. And I've noticed, listening to some of these clips back, that you are getting more comfortable with rhyming. Yeah.

in the moment. Thank you. Well, you've always said that you were not incredibly... Okay, but don't throw it back in my face. So anything you tell me I can never bring up again? Yes. And that's considered throwing it back in your face? That's friendship. You got married to Janie. Don't throw that back in my face. How dare you?

Why don't we get to it? Let's get to it. This is, we're counting down 12 to 9. This is your episode 12. Number one, two. All right, episode 12, Paul. This is number- Give me my hints. Okay, this is episode 661. Still in the 600s, okay. That's right. That's right. This is June 22.

June 22. The dog days of summer. It's June 22nd. Right. It's not quite July. Not July yet. That's right. It's a, I would say, if I had to guess, it's like eight days away. It's not May, not quite July. Yeah. Do you remember what you were doing this July? Yeah, celebrating America. Of course. Yeah. But previous to that, do you remember your June? I think I was hating America. Oh.

So that the celebration will be all the sweeter. And that it balances out, of course. I'll tell you one thing you were doing in June. You were recording this episode. What? That's right. And this episode is called The Moser Trio. Oh, really? Yes.

Very funny. I've listened to this clip and you're going to listen to it right now. This is an episode called The Moser Trio. Paul, what can you tell us about this episode? Well, Carl Tartt and I decided we wanted to do something together. Neither of us had anything really planned. Normally what happens on the show, for those of you who don't know how the show works...

On Monday, we meet with Scott and the writers. On Tuesday, that's our light day, but we do a writer all-nighter. Yes, we have to pitch ideas to Scott what characters we want to play. Wednesday, there's dress.

No, what happens is usually the performers, I reach out to people separately. Most people don't even know who they're going to be on the show with at any given time. They just come to the studio or pop up and go, oh, wow, these people are on it. So a lot of people don't ever do characters together because I book everyone separately. But in this case, you and Carl wanted to do one together. You let me know that, right?

No, I don't think so. I think we decided in the moment as we all got on the Zoom. So when you got on the Zoom, you saw Carl and said, hey, let's do something together. Or Carl might have said that to me. I don't remember. Who knows? Or I might have said it to anyone. Who knows? Who else was on this episode? Also Tim Baltz. We know it was not Tim. Tim did not suggest it. Tim shut the fuck up like, of

Of course he always does. Like a good little boy. Here's what he does. And this drives me crazy about Tim. We were having this conversation. Tim sits there with this little smile on his face, this little mysterious smile on his face. Like he knows something and he thinks we're being stupid and he has information that we need but won't give it to us. Yeah. And I fuck, if I see that guy. If you ever see that guy again, who knows if we ever will. I'm going to punch his fucking lights out. Did you get the vaccine yet, by the way? Yeah. It's good, isn't it? I love it.

Do you know what's funny is like, I was like, is it going to be weird? And then it was like, it's like heaven.

Yeah. It tastes good. It's so good tasting. I feel like a little high, but not like I can't, like I incapacitated. When it was dribbling out of that syringe, I was like, I don't know if I want that in my mouth, but it was, it tastes so good. I had the doctor squirt, like squirt it through the syringe right into my mouth. Right. I was like, do it like a fountain. Yeah, do it like the Waterworld show. Do it like the Waterworld show where they squirt water in people's mouths.

So my recollection of this episode is we got on the Zoom and neither of you had anything planned. And a lot of times people don't plan what they're going to do. They just think of it in the moment. And you said, what should we do? And I think this was Carl's idea, wasn't it? Where he said, I've always wanted to do a singing trio where it's like, hello, hello, hello. But one of the people is dead.

And you said, great, let's do it. And that's what this episode is about. I don't even know if we even had that much planned out. I knew we were going to be a singing group.

And that I think... No, I think it was because you wanted to be introduced as the Moser trio. Yes. But there were only two of you. Yeah, right, right, right. So I think that was Carl's initial pitch. Now, my feelings about this episode were in the moment, I did not feel like I was doing a good job. That's right. I think we talked about that after the episode, right? We talked about it during a break, yeah. And everyone was like, no, it's fine. But I felt I did not feel... I didn't feel... It was maybe my first...

No, it wouldn't have been my first Bang Bang Over Zoom. It wasn't the first Bang Bang Over Zoom, but we were working out... We'll talk about the process later behind the scenes of the show, but we were working out the intricacies of doing an improv show over Zoom where everyone has different speeds of internet, everyone has different qualities of mics, etc. And I think this one in the moment felt a little strange, like it wasn't going well. And also to be doing a musical thing. Yes, where people...

Anytime anyone tries to sing, it's hard to sync up with it over Zoom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But...

I listened to it back, and we're going to listen to it right now, and it's very funny. I'm glad, but I have not listened back to this one. It's really funny. So let's do it. Let's hear it. This is your episode 12, The Moser Trio. Number one, two. And they are a singing trio, and this is so exciting to have them. They're one of my favorites. Please welcome to the show The Moser Trio. Hello, guys. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Thank you, Scott. Thank you, Scott. Was that the three of you? It sounded, first of all, now I know the typical trio entrance is hello, hello, hello. You were doing it an octave apart, but it sounds like there's only two of you. Is that right? He died. He died.

That's right, Scott. The middle part of our trio has died. The middle guy in the trio died? No. I'm, of course, Chef Moser. I'm Heat Moser. Chef, is that spelled like chef, but just pronounced differently, or is that spelled a different way? It's spelled C-H-E-J. Oh, you're really keeping me in suspense here. Oh, A? J. J? Okay. F-F.

So like Jeff without the vowels. No, no. Well, it's C-H-E-J-F-F. So like Jeff with the vowels, but just with two transposed letters with a C-H at the top. Say yes. Yes. Thank you. You got it. Okay. So Jeff, but the J is silent. It's Jeff. It's Jeff, but the J is silent.

Yes. Are you Swedish? No. I thought we were your favorite group. Yeah, I don't know anything about you. I love your music. I beg your pardon. Your Majesty, where the J is not silent. It's true. Your Majesty, it's a hard J. It truly is. And heap, how is that spelled? Like a whole heap. So standard spelling on that, H-E-A-P. H-E-E-P-E. H-E-E-P-E.

Okay. I'm sorry to laugh at you guys' names. I know you may be foreign. You're not Swedish. That's the only information I have regarding you. We're used to it. We're used to it. This must be very difficult. Now imagine a third voice in the middle there. Yeah, it must be very difficult to have the middle part, the only person not doing the melody in a trio to have passed away. What happened to... What was their name? And...

Yes. C-R-A-A-A-A-N-D. Where are you from? Because these are foreign sounding names. Did you not Google us? Did you not look us up? We thought we were your favorite name. You love us. You never once thought, I'm going to find out some information on these guys. You can't love something without Googling it. I love my wife. That's not true. I've never Googled her. You've never Googled your wife. Why would I Google my wife? I've Googled her. Because she's up to. I know who she is. Exactly.

To see what she's up to. Yes. I don't think Google tracks everyone's movements necessarily. To find her old racist tweets. So, no, I don't know where you're from. Where are you guys actually from? We are from Germantown, USA. USA. Love it or leave it. Germantown. Germantown.

I don't exactly know where that is. Is it west of the Mississippi or is that east or is it directly on the Mississippi? You got it. It's west of the Mississippi in the good old U.S. of A. U.S. of A.

So you then use Best Foods mayonnaise, not Hellman's. We use both. We're one of the few cities in America that uses both Hellman's and Best Foods. We also have a Hardee's and a Carl's Jr. Whoa. Yes. Incredible. We have a Crystal and a White Castle. Wow. We also use the metric system. What a strange town. We have a Checkers and a Rally's. Wow.

Wow, I have to visit this place. And a McDonald's and a Burger King. How much do you guys weigh, by the way? We're big. We're big. That which is fine. No need to weight shame you. I hear all those delicious restaurant names that make me salivate, and I can only imagine living in a town like that. The temptation must be overwhelming. How many fast food restaurants do you have here in Los Angeles?

Well, we certainly don't have a Hardee's nor a... I don't believe... No, I have seen a Rally's, actually, but maybe out there in Azusa or something like that. And that's it? Just the two? Just the two. The no Hardee's and one Rally's. So no need to ask you how much you weigh, because...

with just the one and .0 restaurants in town. I always, I have a policy on this show. Any question that I ask is a question that I would be willing to have asked of myself. So any question I ask you today, feel free to ask me right back. Scott, I'm going to be, I'm going to apologize to you because I'm a little, um,

But still a little distraught over the loss of Crand. I'm so sorry. How long ago did Crand pass away? This morning. This morning. This morning? This morning. We thought we'd come right on the show. To celebrate our brother Crand. And let me just tell you something. Crand would always say, our brother would always say, he did not like going to cities that didn't have more than no and one fast food restaurant. Right.

Well, I'm so sorry, guys. I'm so sorry to hear about that. I, I, um, Crand, how, how did he pass away? He was murdered. He was murdered. Murdered, murdered by whom? Have you caught the assailant? Not by us. Not by us. Don't even, don't even think about asking. Why did you say, why did you say that? We didn't do it.

I said murdered by whom? I don't think that I intimated you as you guys. I would assume the fact that you're free and running around doing a podcast would mean that you, the police, you're not under suspicion. Scott, it's 97 degrees outside. It's 97 degrees outside. Are you giving us the third degree to make it an even hundred?

Are you trying to keep it 100 by adding three degrees? Okay, yeah, that is one segment that I was thinking of doing on the show now is keeping it 100 by adding third degrees. Let me tell you something, Scott. Of course we're not suspects. And why would we be? He was our brother. We loved him with all of our hearts.

Well, to be honest, you know, most murders are crimes of passion and performed by a person very close to the, what do you call it, murdery? Victim? Victim. Victim is the word. We had a song called Murdery. Murdery. I'd love to hear at least two parts of it being an octave apart. All right. If you could perform that. Well, let's see what we can do. Murdery. Murdery. Murderize. Murderize.

Murder, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay. And this was on an album? You released this? Yes. We're about to. Oh, oh. We're about to release it. This is on a new album, Going Duo. Wait, so this isn't even a posthumous album for your brother Krang? What is it, Krang? I mean, Krang. I'm sorry, Krang is something else, right? Krang is something else. Which is ringing a bell for me, but I don't think I want to talk about it.

No, you don't. No, you don't want to talk about Krang. I don't want to talk about Krang, but Krang is something, right? Krang is something you don't want to talk about. I don't want to talk about Krang. That's for another show down the line. But Krand, this is not a posthumous album featuring... Sorry, Krand. This is not a posthumous album featuring Krand's vocals? No.

You recorded this in the time in between him dying and you being on this show? That's why we came to Los Angeles to work at Sunset Sounds. Our brother, Grand, died in Germistown, USA, in the wee hours of this morning. We immediately grieved, hopped on a plane, we sat middle seat empty, and now here we are. Wearing your masks? Wearing our masks. Here's what we do, which is fun.

We wear masks of the lower half of each other's faces. Well, I didn't want to mention, but you guys are identical twins. So maybe, I don't know, maybe you're triplets with one triplet being dead. Are you still a triplet if one triplet is dead? No. You know, if your grandparents die, you're no longer a grandchild.

I guess, but I think that's a shame. It's like being busted down when you're in the army from general to sergeant or something like that. The fact that you can be... General to sergeant? At that point, I would leave the army. That's a huge, huge drop. Okay, so from five-star to four-star general, they...

You know, a guy comes over and snatches one star off you. But to be busted down from triplet to twin just must be the ultimate indignity. But were you guys triplets and now twins? Yes. We were triplets and now we're twins. We've been busted down. We call it the bust down Tatiana. And we are now only twins after the bust down Tatiana. Okay. I'm so sorry, guys. Have you adjusted to being twins at this point? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty much. Yeah. There's more space. Sure. Did you all live together or just more space on the earth? Both.

I'm sorry to laugh. It's just, I mean, it sounds like you guys grieved very quickly this morning. I mean, did you achieve total DABDA this morning? We hit DABDA pretty quickly after. Because we didn't have time to not hit DABDA. We had a plane to catch. Exactly. And right now, traveling is very hard because of all the restrictions. And we were checking in with each other. You know, we were on one of those planes that still has the...

the in-flight communication on the back of the seat in front of you. Oh, the one where you can contact someone in another seat? Why would you ever do that? Yes. So we wouldn't take our masks off. We would talk to each other over the seat chat and say, I'm at bargaining. Where are you?

Oh, so you did it on the plane, but you didn't do it before the plane. It happened on the plane. It's not something you do. Okay, yes. It occurred. You went through it, but it was at an accelerated pace. I don't know. I have nothing to compare it to. You've never had a loved one pass away before now? I haven't. Have you? I have not.

There you go. So your parents are still alive? Yes, they're very old. Your grandparents, assuming you had them from when you were born, are still alive? That's right. We are still grandchildren. We are still proud grandchildren. Grandchildren. And that is...

moses trio promise is it not that you will always be grandchildren that's the mtp when we when we walk out on stage the first thing we do is greet the city we're in yes when we walk out on stage at live aid the people played are they doing are they doing it again this year um yeah i from what i hear coachella was canceled they just said let's just do live aid yeah i feel like live aid they've taken a couple years off am i right

They have taken a, yeah. I mean, why couldn't that have been an every year thing? I guess they felt like they fixed it, right? I will say, since 1985, I haven't seen one hungry Ethiopian. And maybe it's because we live in a town that has a Rally's and a Checkers. So many fast food restaurants. Crystal and a White Castle. McDonald's and a Burger King.

There are so many choices there for an Ethiopian. We also have a hungry Jack, which is an Australian train. I don't know how that happened. I see. This is horrible. I see. I see. I see. That was magical. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Do you guys think I could be one of the Moser trio? I mean, I'm not a triplet nor a twin. Hold on one second. Just...

Let's indulge this for just a moment. I know we said, we agreed we were going to go out as a duo and we were going to carry on in our brother's name even though we weren't going to ever mention him and act like he never existed. What if you were to give us the baseline? Just give us that. Give us the phrase ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. No, no, no. Why would you go higher? You're supposed to be...

No, you want me in the middle. You want it a little in the middle. We have absolutely established our two parts. Sorry. Look, I'm nervous. You got to let people start over in an audition. You can't just say, nope, sorry, go away. You got to give someone a second chance. Give them notes. Let them adjust. All right. Here's the note. Figure it out. All right. Are we doing ice cream again? Just so I can be prepared? Ice cream. Ice cream.

I gotta say, this is good. I feel like I was in the pocket. I think you're in the pocket of big harmony. E-harmony. I think you're in the pocket of e-harmony. And we're not going to let you into our group to use your velvet singing voice to lure Christian white people who don't want to commit to Christian single. Christian mingle and use our audience as some kind of recruitment tool.

Okay, I'm sorry. I thought I did a good job. You gave yourself away, though, Scott. You gave yourself away. In Jeremystown, we use Match.com. That's right. Andy Harmony or JustMatch.com? Who's Andy Harmony? That could be my stage name if I joined the Moser Trio. So it's the Moser Trio minus Cran Moser featuring Andy Harmony? Sure, why not? There have been weirder names. Name three.

The Belleville Singers minus Randy Belleville featuring...

I forgot you could make some up. Shit. Yeah, exactly. Number one, two. Oh, boy, what a clip. Oh, boy, what a clip. After that clip, of course, Tim Baltz plays Pastor Peter Poolboy, which is really funny. You can go back and listen to that episode for that. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to have episode lucky number slileven. We'll be here. Slileven. We'll be right back with more comedy back after this. Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2020 Part 2. And Paul F. Tompkins is here with me. And he is checking something on his phone. Looks like he's making an important notation. Yeah, this is an important notation. Perhaps he's texting something to his wife.

instructions for her to have something ready for him upon his arrival back home. My fucking dinner. No, of course not. If anyone, you're the one who makes dinner for Janie, am I right? No. Oh, does she make dinner a lot? She's a great cook, and she likes to cook. Cool Up also is a great cook. Although, and we talked about this a little bit recently, I think, maybe on... Maybe via text or something. Who knows? But that...

For people who like to cook, the pandemic has been a challenge. Yes. Because now you're cooking all the time. All the time, yeah. Every single night, and it makes you start to hate it after a while. Well, we've gone through phases of the pandemic. Ph-ph-ph-phases, turn and face the strange. Ph-ph-ph-phases, I used to like to cook, now I don't like it. We went through the specialty cocktails phase, where I was making specialty cocktails a lot. What was your fave?

I don't know. It was so many months ago, I can't remember, but we were looking up recipes. And now actually, Cool Up... I mean, that's a good cocktail. Cool Up's been making a holiday cocktail, so we're in that phase. But our current phase is the Family Feud phase, where every night we watch one episode of Family Feud. Hosted by Richard Karn. Oh.

Of course. The carn years. No, the Steve Harvey, of course, cracks the best ever do it, I think, better than Richard Dawson even. Wow. Well, he's doing a different thing. He's doing a different thing. You know what I mean? I enjoy the thing more. I think we've talked about the famous British Family Feud clip. No, what is that? Where the guy answers turkey to almost every question. Oh, I don't remember that. It's called something else. Should I look it up? I forget what it's called. Yeah.

Yeah, this guy, I think he answers turkey to like three things in a row. My favorite, the one I watched last night was this family goes up and the question is, the first guy goes up and he only gets 33 points. But one of his answers was crystal blank. And he goes, meth.

And Steve Harvey is like already giving him shit for that. Yeah. But then the second guy comes out and does pretty well. And he answers crystal clear, I think. And he turns back around and they read a couple of the answers. And then suddenly he reads the previous guy's answers. He goes, oh, he said meth? Why? And Steve Harvey's like, we'll get to it. We'll get to it. And then...

Finally, they get to it and Steve Harvey goes, crystal blank. And the guy goes, whoa, he said crystal meth. And everyone's dying laughing. It was good. I looked up family. Oh, yeah, this is it, I believe. Let's see if we can hear. I think this is it. Name something people take with them to the beach. Turkey. Turkey. The first thing you buy in a supermarket. Turkey.

Uh, turkey. A food often stuffed. Turkey. The first three, turkey.

Something you take to the beach. Name something people take with them to the beach. Turkey. Okay, this is really weird because the first one should not have been turkey. I can understand if the first question was name a food that was stuffed and he said turkey and then he had turkey on the brain. Yes. But to name that for something you take to the beach? It's bananas. Dude is hungry at the beach. It's balmy. Oh, he's back.

Our plane friend is back. He keeps forgetting things. My sunglasses! I can't fly straight without them! I can't fly straight. What if that was Harrison Ford up there? Look out, he'd have to land in our backyard here. He had a crash that time. He's always having crashes. Has he had more than one? I think so, yeah. He keeps getting, like, five... I remember...

reading something about his trial where he was like, had to sit there and defend why he has so many crashes or something. I could be getting this wildly wrong. Your honor, in my defense, I'm high all the time. You've seen this earring, right? I got it when I was high. Imagine, you know, you think you can fly a plane high and not crash? Come on. Put yourself in my position. This squirrel, he's very industrious. What's he trying to get? Is he just trying to get his nut?

Maybe he's in league with this plane. Every time he hears a plane, he's like, they're going to drop nuts on us. He keeps hiding the plane guy stuff. Ha ha ha ha.

What were we talking about? We're talking about this episode? Did we get to it? No. No, we didn't. We came back from a break? Yes, we came back from a break. Okay. Look, let's get to it. Let's get to... This is what you voted on to be episode number 11. Turkey. Number one. One. All right. Episode number 11. This is...

Number 674. Ooh, still in the 600s. Comedy Bambing episode 674. This is from September 21st. Never forget. Kids are back in school. They're remote learning. A lot of them. Grasses on the field, play ball. I don't think you want to say that. This is an episode called Cannon Relapse. Yes, okay. Cannon Relapse. I know this one. So...

This episode has Sean Diston, who we has been on in the Countdown before, and he's playing a different character. He's playing a character called Rudy North. We'll talk about that in a second. We also have Tim Baltz and Edgar Montplaisir. And I should have asked him this, but is it Montplaisir? Montplaisir. Montplaisir.

who has been on the show. I think he started coming on the show about a year and a half or so ago. He's been really good. He, very funny. He plays on this episode. We're not going to play this clip, but he plays Jerry major who makes movies into Will Smith movies, who by the way, is not a parody of Jerry minor. Like we said, we said, wait, do you mean like Jerry minor? He's like, Oh no, I didn't think of that. No, it's not. It's not a parody. No, no.

It's just a name he thought of, Jerry Major. What about when Sean Dixon was Carl Smart? I don't remember that. He came on as Carl Smart? I feel like that might have been...

Was that Sean's first Comedy Bang Bang? I don't remember. I thought he was Rudy North the first time, but who knows? Who knows? I do remember he did, early on, he did a character called Carl Smart. That's great. Well, uh... It starts with an earthquake. Sean is playing Rudy North, a.k.a. Rudimentary North, and he's been coming on and doing this character for a couple of years. And Rudy, first of all, one thing you should know is...

His character has gotten so complicated up to this point that he usually has to come on and he usually records one of these beforehand. A convoluted previously on Comedy Bang Bang where he plays clips of his previous performances. Does he edit that himself? He edits those himself. Oh, I didn't realize that. Usually like puts the Star Wars trailer music under it, I think. And you can faintly hear Star Wars dialogue in the background. Yes.

Instead of actually just downloading the song. So Rudy North, and we'll hear this in the clip, but he started off as a very simple character. And over the couple years, Sean keeps escalating it and escalating it. Well, because at the end of his very first appearance...

We talk about that in the clip. I'm immortal, but let's not get into it. Right, yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's not get into it, and we immediately pounced on that, but we were out of time. So further episodes, we've gotten into it. So...

He's very, he's gotten very complicated. So we're going to hear a clip with Rudy North first. And then we're going to hear, I didn't play a Tim Baltz clip on the last episode because I wanted to play one here on this episode. Oh, the puppet master. Tim plays Darren Matejczyk, who is the owner and proprietor of the Bobblehead Museum. So we're going to hear two clips, both from there. And then we'll talk about them after. This is your episode number 11. Number 111.

Scott, how are you doing? I'm doing really good. It's great to see you, Rudy North. Catch me up. I do not remember exactly what happened. I don't know how to do this. If there's some way that you could talk about what happened in an episode that occurred before this one. I don't know how better to say that. Well, Scott, previously on Comedy Bag Bag. That's it.

A lot of shit has happened, and that is why I am here, Scott. Really? That felt good. Hold on, hold on. Let me just say, I did a previously on. I got it out in two sentences. That felt good. Yeah, usually your previously ons last, you know, it's like the final episode of Lost or the 100th episode of Buffy where they go through the entire five years. You realize you were dead or some shit. Look, Scott, I have been at a facility in Malibu.

Oh, it is. It's called simplify without the vowels. So simply. It's a S. It's a Y there. Because Y is sometimes a vowel. They use two Y's. They really use Y's. So it's S-M-P-L-Y-F-Y. So simp.

Like how someone would describe you sometimes. Some people would be saying I simp in hard. And then plify. But a lot of people say I comp as well, Scott. This place is a cannon rehab facility, Scott. Oh, I see.

This takes care of, okay, so if people haven't heard Rudy on this show before, Rudy, you've been with us how many years at this point? Three or four. Who knows? It feels like an eternity, Scott. You started off kind of simple. You were a dirtbag.

I was a dirtbag from Florida who could take people's jobs by punching them in the throat. Now, already, that is a lot, right? That's almost a hat on a hat at that point. But then you're adding like a stovepipe on top of that. But because of my addiction, Scott...

I threw in that I was immortal. I threw in that I also had the speed force powers. I also, at some point, developed the powers of the force, Scott. Not just the speed force, but the regular force. The regular force. Just Star Wars force. Midichloroquines. The midichlorians, baby. Or is that hydroxychloroquine? What am I? You're thinking hydroxychloroquine. It's the midichlorians. And they kind of wiped that out. What about adrenochrome? Have you drinking your adrenochrome? I have not, Scott. What the hell is that? I'm scared.

I'm scared. That's what we get from the blood of young children. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Of course, yeah. We're all having... We have a bunker under the Hollywood sign. Yeah, okay, whatever. Look, Scott, so I'm here to say that...

I am 52 weeks sober from making new cannons, Scott. Whoa, congratulations. And this is the step. Yeah, this is the step. They say 52 weeks. This is the step. They call the new 52, Scott. Why don't they just call it the year? I don't know why.

It seems like it would be. I guess it's sort of, you know, when you think about it, it's more an achievement to do 52 of something than just one of something. Yeah, because apparently they say there's something about a leap year that throws it off. But I'm like, that doesn't make any sense to me. It's one day. But they call it the new 52, Scott.

And I'm here to clean up my cannon, Scott. Okay, so when you first started, you were just a dirtbag who would throat punch people and swap jobs with them. I am still a dirtbag, Scott. I have my powers back. I was never the devil. You have what powers back? My power of punching people in the throat being able to take their jobs. Okay, not the speed force power. Speed force power, that's crazy. That's the flash, Scott. That's the flash. That's the flash.

What was I doing? That was the flash. Okay, so that's gone. That's gone. You no longer harness the force. We'll say this. We still had Speed Force Thanksgiving, but it exists in my head when I was strapped to like a psychiatric ward or something. So this is sort of like Flashpoint in a way. We have to... We're cleaning up the cannon, Scott.

So, okay. So this is simplified. It feels good, Scott. Do you feel that? It feels good because the more unwieldy it gets to talk to a guest, um,

It's impenetrable for the new listeners. That's what I was thinking. A lot like this conversation so far. Yeah, for the new listeners, you're probably like, what the hell is going on? But what we're doing here is we're jettisoning all of it. All of it. And now you are back to just being a simple dirtbag who likes to throat punch people, who likes to swap jobs with them. Nothing more, nothing less. And guess what? What's that?

I got a new job. Oh, by the way, that's another part of your canon. That's the part of my canon. Parody of Huey Lewis to say you got a new job. That remains. That's going to stay. That has to stay. All right. That's cool. It's okay, though, because there are boundaries. Do you need to call Simplify? No, no, no. There are canon boundaries, and we're okay. I got my powers back. I got a new- You don't need to call your sponsor. Do you have a sponsor over there at Simplify? I do have a sponsor.

Who's that? Cake boss. Okay. He's been, he's been canon. He's been canon. He's one of the worst offenders. He's, he's been canon sober for a while, Scott. Really? Cause I, I believe that I ran into him when we were on the road last year in late 2019. So he's almost got a new 52 as well. That was what you call. Yeah. He has a new 52. He rehabbed, he relapsed in that day when he came on the show. Oh, I see. Okay. All right, Scott. Well, tell me about your new job. Check this out, Scott.

I'm a Zoom security guard. Whoa. I don't know what that means. I was impressed, and then I realized I have no idea what that means. So here's what it is, Scott. You've been hearing about people jumping in Zooms. We're on a Zoom right now. We are on a Zoom right now. I don't want you to tell Taylor she's out of school right here on the podcast. We are not together. We are socially distant. We are not together. We are socially distant. And I'll tell you what. I am protecting this Zoom from anybody who would hop on and say like Baba Booey or some shit, you know? Well, you just said Baba Booey. What?

What do you mean, Baba Booey, Baba Booey? Zoom security guard, protect thyself. Wait a second. Did I do the thing where in the paradox I created my own problem? I think you may have. We got to rehab it. Call up Kickbox. Call up Kickbox. I got to call up Kickbox. Okay. It's okay. That didn't happen, Scott. That didn't happen. I'm a Zoom security guard. You're a Zoom security guard. Okay. I've heard about this because people have been on Zooms. I don't know what some of the more famous examples of it are.

Well, there are a lot of really troubling examples where people come on and then like show their genitals and stuff or say something racist, you know. So there's nothing fun to talk about there. Or both. Which actually I feel like that would be interesting. Can it be racist to show your genitals? No.

Let me think about that. Like, what would the example of that be? Dang, that's a good question. Like, where someone shows their genitals and it ends up being racist. Okay, here's how it could be racist, Scott. If a white guy shows his genitals and he goes, look at my tiny dick, look at my tiny dick. Not like your big old black dicks. Okay, yeah, that would count. Which in a way is not quite, it's not like misogyny.

You know, it's kind of like, you know, it's racist because of the generalization. Yes, exactly. That's the racism, though, that people are not, you know, they don't mind all that much. Yeah, but you know what? You know, some of the black men with medium-sized penises do mind. They do mind because then suddenly expectations... Created these expectations. All of a sudden, Rudy Northby tried to have sex with somebody and they'd be like, oh...

Wait, is that part of my cannon too? Oh, no. You have a medium-sized penis now. That's fine, though, but that's normal, Scott. The cannon is starting over now, so it's fine. That's okay. These are normal pieces of cannon we could all live with. Okay, I got a new job. I'm a Zoom security guard, Scott. So, yeah, you know, I sort of monitor the boards. You know, I have a—right now I have an extra screen up that's just scrolling like the Matrix right now. Okay, well, this is a problem because the show normally has an open-door policy. Say what? We've got—

Yeah, when we've gone to Zoom, it's now basically anyone who gets the Zoom link can jump on and talk to us. Open door policy. Yeah. Okay, all right. So I guess what you're saying is that my job is sort of obsolete and... No, no, no, no, no. Wait, Scott, did you know my arms can stretch like Stretch Armstrong?

Okay, that's new. That's new. How is that going to help us? I want to be interesting, Scott. Ow! Who just hit me in the back of the head? That was me, Scott. I did a quick back of head reach around. Is that really what we want to call it? Why don't we call it a stretch Armstrong slap? Scott, that's the canon now. It's a back of head reach around. But I do have very long arms that can stretch.

And, um, everything else is normal, Scott. Okay. So this is not complicated. This is a very simple premise. This is very simple. Hey, Scott, why don't you ask me questions about my life? Oh, okay. So where do you live? I've never figured that out, Rudy. I mean, close enough to slap me. Yes, I do live close enough to slap you. I do live in Silver Lake. Okay. It's kind of boring, but all right.

Silver Lake. Silver Lake, yes. I live below the Silver Lake. What? Below it? Yeah, yeah. I have a facility down there. Not even in it? Underwater? You live below it? No, no, no, no, no. You know that one door you see right up on that weird? I get in that door, go in the elevator, submerge 20 floors, and that's my three-story apartment. Oh!

Oh, so you have like a James Bond villain style lair under the Silver Lake? That's right, Scott. And some people are like, is he the villain or is he the hero? He's kind of an anti-hero. Oh, this is so complicated. I think I'm relapsing. This is why I thought I shouldn't come on the show, Scott. This is too complicated, Rudy. You've got to get help. You've got to get help. You've got to call your sponsor. Should I call my sponsor? Yeah, call your sponsor. All right, I'll call my sponsor. Let me get him on the line.

This is really powerful stuff, Scott. I hope if anyone's struggling with canon addiction, this helps. So, okay. I'm going to call the cake boss. All right, here we go. Ring. Ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Cake boss. Hey, cake... Oh. Hey, boss. Cake boss. Cake boss.

Look, it's Rudy. Who is this? This is Rudy North. Rudy North? That's right. Why are you calling me, Cake Boss? Why are you calling me? I'm in the middle of making shakes. Look, remember that you're my sponsor, and I've been creating canon at a rate. He knows all this. He knows all this. Who's there in the background? Scott Aukerman. Scott Aukerman. Yeah, you remember me.

Y'all know me. Y'all know Scott Huckabee. When was the last time we saw each other? I was thinking it was in 2019. Hey, Huckabee. Hey, Robert De Niro. Is he here? Oh, boy, what a weirdo. Hey, Cake Boss, I know you. Oh, I made a meat-a-fuckers cake. I know things.

I made a cake where Ben Stiller is milking Robert De Niro based on the first movie. And it says, yes, Greg, you can be milked. That's right. It's written out in icing. Have you eaten any of that one? Cake boss.

Look, here's the thing. That was just such a wonderful anecdote, and I know it's because you keep your canon simple. My canon is very simple. I was bit by a cake bug. It gave me the gift of the second sight.

I can talk to any fictional character if it is reasonable to assume that they have passed on by now. I was bitten by a cake zombie one time. I was bitten by a cake scarab. I got a lot of – it's all very clean, very simple. Very clear stuff. And we never build on it any more than that. It always just remains just at that. That's right.

And we talked about how my simple canon could just be I'm a dirtbag who punches people in the throat and takes their jobs. That's right. And I go from job to job. Yeah, within five minutes, though, suddenly Rudy North is living in an underground lair under the Silver Lake. Oh, really?

Rudy, Rudy. I'm sorry, Cake Boss. Why, Cake Boss? Why didn't you come to me when you had these feet, when you had these urges to add to your canon? Why didn't you call me? I wanted to be brave, Cake Boss. I thought that I should come on the show and just prove to myself that I am canon-free. I could just be a person, you know? Look, Rudy, you can't white-knuckle this. We've discussed this at the meetings. You're right. You're right. When you're feeling weak, you can't just, like...

try to push through all the time. You gotta, you gotta, what's the first step? The first step is acceptance. Okay. And what's the second step? That's not even the first step of dab-dub. No, no, no, no. That's the last one. No, you accept that you have a problem. There's 52 steps, Scott. There's 52 steps. We're gonna go through all of them. There's acceptance. There's acceptance.

Then there's self-actualization. That's right. And then there is denial. Denial, yeah. And then there's re-acceptance. That's an important step. It's a very important step in recovery. And then there's re-acceptance. The third step is denial. So you accept you have a problem.

You self-actualize. You say, I can't do it. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. A lot of people quit after that step, I would imagine. Yeah. Yeah, well, that separates the wheat from the chaff, the fuck.

the fondant from the the the the from the frosting oh it's a good metaphor I got it Scott Oxman don't worry sorry sorry I got my cake terms cake terms of course step four is relapse yes that's right step five is denial yes you're back to denial denial part two I feel like every other step is going to be denial because we have to do 52 of these you don't have it all figured out Scott Oxman the denials are sprinkled they're sprinkled literally throughout the 52 steps

Hey, am I doing me right? Is this what I feel like? I think your canon is very clean. Of course you are. It's been a long time. I feel like my muscle memory is not responding as well as I thought it would. Maybe you've got to stand up and shake it off a little bit. Your canon, I think you might be canon relapsing yourself, Cake Boss. Cake Boss, I might be relapsing myself.

I'm on step 50, so I'm due for a relapse. Okay. Yeah, step 51, a relapse. What are you doing right now, Cake Boss? You said you were making a cake? I'm just here making a cake. You know, no one's helping me, of course. I'm under a crushing deadline, as always. And what's the worst part? There's a cake cricket in the kitchen. He's making all this noise with his legs. And the worst thing about cake cricket, they can bite you.

Anyway. Oh, no. He got bit by a cake cricket. I got bit by a cake cricket and I think I'm relapsing. I'm adding to my canon. Oh, no. You added a cake cricket to your canon. Is there any sort of power coming upon you at all? Yeah. I have the ability to rub my legs together and create songs by the band Cake.

Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Interesting. That's interesting. I mean, if you like the band, that's fine. Oh, God. Cake Boss, I feel like I've infected you with my disease and I'm sorry and I blame myself. I should have called you. Rudy, no, no, no. Don't you feel bad. It's good you called me. I'm just working the steps. That's all.

Yeah, you guys are both backsliding. This is an unfortunate situation, but I tell you what, you know, we need to take a break. I don't care. I know you don't. What does that mean to me? I just got a phone call. I know you're doing a cake boss. We're actually doing one of the, we're doing a podcast. We're doing Comedy Bang Bang. But no! Yeah, I'm sorry. You tricked me.

I will forget this. I'm sorry, but tell you what, Cake Boss, why don't you rub your legs together and take us to break here? What do you say? Here we go. Ready? Here you go. All right, we need to take a break. There we go. We'll see you after the break. We'll be right back. Into the hard work.

We've talked to him before. He's an entrepreneur. Please welcome back to the show. I can't recall exactly where he comes from or what his job is, but please welcome back Darren Matejczyk. Babblehead buoy, babblehead buoy. Oh, yeah.

So close to Baba Booey. I like that. We'll give you an exception for that. I got you. Slant rhymes, Scott. Hi, Darren. It's so good to see you. Yeah, thanks for the smooth entrance. Yeah, of course. You remind me, your canon is very, very simple. You are the owner and proprietor of a bobblehead museum. Where is it? The National Bobblehead Museum and Hall of Fame in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Okay, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And we talked to you before a couple of times.

I believe. Yeah, a few times. And how many bobbleheads do you have? You have in the hundreds, I believe. In the thousands, Scott. Over 7,000 bobbleheads currently in the museum and Hall of Fame.

And there's two that overlap in the Hall of Fame and Museum. Pete Rose bobblehead and now Dr. Fauci bobblehead. Oh, okay. That's a new one? Dr. Fauci's new? Dr. Fauci. We have eight different kinds of Dr. Fauci. The most recent one is Dr. Fauci under anesthesia as CDC changes its guidelines.

And is he, have you arranged him next to Pete Rose where he's like treating Pete Rose or is Pete Rose sliding into him or anything like that? Yeah. Pete Rose is sliding into him saying, I'm not sliding into you. And Dr. Fauci is like, actually you are. Those are the facts. Yeah.

What an amazing display. I don't know if we ever asked you this one of your last times you were on, but do you display them in any way other than just standing them side by side? Do you arrange them in dioramas of any sort? Yeah, we lay them all down and we smash them, Scott. What? No, they're in alphabetical order. Alphabetical by what?

Description of them? Yeah, by description of them. So Dr. Fauci is under D for doctor. Okay. What's Pete Rose under? He's under S. D for disgraced? Yeah, he's under D for disgraced shithead. And...

And he's also under F for flat top. Oh, okay. So you had to buy a second one. Yeah, he's Cincinnati Reds Pete Rose with a flat top. Oh, okay. Got it. So how's the Bobblehead Museum been going? A lot of people have been sending me links to your museum recently. They've been sending them to a friend of mine as well. How's the... What's been going on? I mean, obviously the quarantine, have you been shut down or have you been...

I can only imagine it's the type of museum that one person could come in at a time, wear a mask and then leave. Have you ever had more than one person there? No, there's so I'll either myself or one of the other co-owners right now. Who are the other co-owners again? They're my friends. They're guys, Phil, Pete, Steve. Oh, the guys. Sure. Yeah. Oh, that's so simple and good.

I would have said something crazy. All right, sorry. But it's not Pete Rose, is it? No, it's not Pete Rose. And Phil Jackson? No, it's Pete Rose Jr. Steve Kerr? Oh, it's Pete Rose Jr. No wonder his dad's in the Hall of Fame. Pete Rose Jr., Steve Kerr. Ha ha ha!

I forget what the other guy's name is. I don't want to complicate my canon too much. Yeah. With last names. That's a good idea. Anyway, so we've opened, we temporarily shut down for coronavirus, COVID-19. Okay, good. And then we reopened with a harness system where one guest is allowed in at a time on the six foot harness from the guide. Okay.

Oh, okay. Being pulled by the guide or pushed? Yeah, we lay them on the ground and then we drag them through the museum. Okay. Like a horse, like one of the Budweiser Clydesdales. Yeah, but imagine someone was riding the Budweiser Clydesdale, fell off, but their foot was stuck to the Clydesdale. Right.

Sure. Like in old Westerns where suddenly they're dragged. Yeah, exactly. So admissions are okay then now? Yeah. Admissions are good. We've kind of opened up what the museum and bobblehead hall of fame offer. We offer custom bobbleheads now. Oh, you can upload people of yourself. You could upload pictures of yourself or a friend. If you want to punk your friend with a bobblehead, that's not really punking someone. It's actually a nice gift. This sounds like a fun, thoughtful gift.

Well, not if you get bad pictures of them and then they get a bobblehead. Oh, okay. Because a lot of people are like, well, get the custom orders. And you're like, this guy looks like a fucking idiot. And then you make the bobblehead. Do you tell them that? Do you call them back and say, I just want to make sure you guys want this because this guy looks like a fucking idiot. Do you say that? Or do you just do whatever? I cover the phone where I'm looking through. All right, I got your order, sir. This guy looks like a fucking idiot. Okay.

So, I mean, usually bad pictures of me, it's I don't like my body. So I would actually prefer a bobblehead type body on my real body. So I don't know if I would be punked if I got a bobblehead. Well, maybe not. Sometimes the punk backfires. How does it backfire? Someone's like, hey, I look pretty good. I love my tiny body. I love my curvy bobblehead body.

That's a huge backfire right there. That's a huge punked backfire. You don't want a punk to backfire. You don't want a punk to backfire because then you're the punk. You don't want to be like the canoe. That's a backwards punked. Yeah, exactly. Thank you, Rudy. Thank you. That's part of your canon, knowing what I'm talking about. No, Scott, don't do that, man. Hey, man. Don't be added to my canon. So is there anything, Darren, anything new to your canon?

To my canon? Well, canon, let me explain it, uh, because, uh, not everyone is, uh, singularly attuned to it like Rudy. Uh, it's basically the details of your life that we know about. Uh,

You know, I don't ask you everything about, you know, I don't ask complete biographical information of all of our guests. So maybe there's something that I haven't asked you about that is of interest to our listeners. Yeah. I had to go to the hospital recently. Oh, no. Just to make sure that I didn't have COVID-19. And unfortunately, I got diagnosed with a medium-sized penis, Scott. Oh, no.

No, it's great. I thought it was tiny. The doctors were like, buddy, this is medium size. So this was a doctor diagnosing you and not just someone there in the hospital. I don't know. But the guy had a ruler and a white coat on. And what is medium size to him? To that guy? Yeah. I don't know. He was 6'8", so I might have a huge penis. Who knows? Yeah.

This is just in the hallway. You didn't need a room for this, did you? No, I was going for an MRI. I never even got it. First you go there for a COVID test and then suddenly they take you into the MRI room? Yeah, that's right. But the farthest I got was the hallway and this guy in the white coat with a ruler in his hand stopped me and he measured my penis and he said, looks good to me. And I said, oh, okay, well, that's my cue to leave. Do you take any pictures or anything like that just to...

For your file? Uh-huh. Yeah. Not for my file. Oh, Darren, this ain't right, man. I feel like you were maybe tricked, man. This is not even a reverse punked. This is a real punked. This is just a straight up punked. Maybe it was someone getting revenge because they got a bobblehead they thought they looked dumb in. Well, a couple of days later, I did get a bobblehead of my own penis in the mail. Oh, no.

How do you make a bobblehead of your own penis? What part bobbles? You guessed it. Usually it's the other way around. Someone's bobbling on your penis. Hey, this is what happens when all guys are on the show. Yeah, when you ain't got any ladies on the show, Scott. This is a problem. I don't know. Sometimes this happens. This is a problem. Sometimes this happens with ladies. So I got a bobblehead question, Machichek. Uh-huh. Is there right now the most, do you have a new most expensive bobblehead?

Uh, yeah, we have, uh, are all, this is, I'm going to tie into this question. Are all bobbleheads, do they all cost exactly the same and then they appreciate in value and one is now more expensive to rebuy or are bobbleheads expensive on their own when they're first released? Well, it depends. Well, it's all about supply and demand, Scott. So if you only make one bobblehead, it could be a bobblehead of like Kevin from the office and it would be expensive.

Because they only, it's one of one. Yeah. But if you make 10,000 Michael Scott bobbleheads, they're not going to be as expensive because there's 10,000 of them. So what I'm saying is, is that the manufacturer then prices it accordingly? Or are they all priced with suggested retail, you know, MRP of like $9.99 or whatever, and then they appreciate in value to the collector? That's right. They all start at $9.99 and then they appreciate in value. Yeah.

Okay, that's a pretty solid answer. That's why you got to get in early on these $9.99 bobbleheads. Do you buy every bobblehead that's ever released? Yes. Yeah, what are the brand new bobbleheads you just bought? I bought a brand new bobblehead of Babe Ruth pointing to the center field wall. Why is that brand new? It seems like they would have got that one in early. That one seems like it should be old, man.

I got the bobblehead of Tom Cotton writing a New York Times op-ed. That is definitely new. That's a couple weeks old, but still, wow. Who is the audience for that? Who's buying a Tom Cotton? You'd be surprised. Maybe it's to punk people with it because he's a straight up punk. I don't know. It seemed like 38% of the people buying it were genuinely buying it. That's pretty sad. Yeah.

What are some of the other new ones? Like, what's the absolute newest that you got? The absolute newest? Check the boards right this second. Like, what dropped this in the last 10 years? Chronologically. Chronologically. Okay. It's going to take a couple of clicks, but here we go. Sure. Okay. It looks like we just got a bobblehead. It's still $9.99, so, you know, it's fresh on the market of the character Nippy from Episode 3 of The Vow on HBO Max. Whoa. Episode 3 of The Vow? Yeah.

The documentary of NXIVM? Yeah. So if you're not watching The Vow, that's going to go over your head. But if you are, that's probably the best reference you've ever heard in your life. Number one. One. Okay. So obviously, Paul, you were in that clip. Scott, I'm sorry. I'm literally watching a hawk making lazy circles in the sky.

Yes, I... Can I say that came together very quickly. Yes. You texted me and said... So here's what happened. We started doing the show, the episode. I didn't know what Sean was going to talk about as Rudy. And he...

in the moment came up, well, I think he had planned on that he was having, he was in rehab for his cannon. Yeah. But what we didn't plan was he just in the moment said that Cake Boss was his sponsor. Cake Boss. And Cake Boss is a character that you do. Cake Boss. And the minute he said that, I realized that we should call up his sponsor. And so I started, and if you can hear me,

a little bit distracted when I'm asking Sean questions is because I'm talking while I'm typing to you. Hey, Paul, can you get out? Can you come on this zoom and do cake boss? Because he's in relapse for his cannon and you were luckily at home, right? Yeah. Luckily we're not busy. I guess I should say. Yeah. I was, I was home and I was free and, uh, I, uh, got on the zoom and I had, I had just bought, uh,

this phone handset microphone. Right. Which I was very excited about. Yes, it sounds great. I think I'd gotten it like a couple days before and I was like, oh, this is perfect. Right. I plugged that in and I was so happy to use it. And I was really, like when I listened back to it,

I was really happy with it. I was really happy. I was very happy with that decision. Well, it was so fun to have you on. We didn't bill you on the episode because I wanted it to be a surprise, much like when you do... Jarls. Jarls, yes, classic Jarls. We don't bill you on that episode. The other thing that happened is when you mentioned that... I did get a bill, though.

She did, yes. We have to talk about this because why am I now getting bills for being on the show? Yeah, that's part of the sale of Stitcher to Sirius. No one told me. Now everyone has to pay to be on the show. I don't understand.

The other thing that happens and you could hear me distracted is once you mentioned the band Cake, I started furiously opening my iTunes, opening audio hijack. And also like sharing my screen so that I could find the perfect Cake song to play us out into commercial. And that all happened live in the moment. And that was really fun.

And then Darren Matejczyk, great character that Tim has played several times. Really fun. All right, let's go to a break. Hold on a second. I have a story, a very quick story to tell. Along the lines of Scott, of Sean, doing that stuff with the Star Wars music, the Star Wars dialogue in the background. I recently did, I had a thought in my head that I couldn't get out, which was to do

uh, to overlay, uh, the flash Gordon theme song over the, the mag trailer. Okay. And so I had, so I downloaded the queen song and then I had to sing myself every time they said flash. And so I like did it once, you know, copied and pasted it, but it was like, it was a very dumb thing.

where I had to space it out over the course of the song. Right. I wish I had gone the extra mile and gotten dialogue from Mank. Oh, and put it over like in the Flash Gordon theme? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I didn't do that. What is the Flash Gordon themes like dialogue that they're like, hey, I'm Ming. Welcome to my planet. I'm also merciless. No, you got it. I'm also merciless. I buried the lead. I'm merciless. Fun fact about me, I'm merciless. Hi, I'm Ming.

I had this in my planet. Funny thing about me. I'm merciless. You might have been expecting mercy. Guess what? You're not going to get it. And then later, there's like a lady that goes, go get Flash Gordon and bring back his body. Still haven't seen it. I bought it recently. I've got to watch it. I've never seen it either. Let's do a watch-along. Janie and I were thinking about doing a watch-along to that. Put me on the Zoom, and I'll watch it along with you. Well, we're not Zooming with each other. I know, but put me on a Zoom.

When I said the Zoom, I meant the one that you're going to make for me. Here's what I think we should make for me. Here's what I think we should do is Janie and I should sit in our home and have microphones. We just have you on a laptop, not mic'd. Right. And then occasionally you make comments.

Wait. So people would hear them like faintly in the background. Wait, I'm outside of your house? Is that what it is? No, no, no. You're on a laptop. But the laptop's not mic'd. Okay. Interesting. So you're watching the movie with us. We'll share the screen. Sure. But how are they hearing me faintly? Because it picked up by our microphones. But I'm here and you're at your place?

Yeah, you're here. I don't know that it would pick. You're here at your house, but we have you on our laptop on the Zoom. Oh, I see. Oh, I thought you just meant that my sound would carry all the way to your house. Did you not hear me say the word laptop many, many times? You keep saying this made-up word, laptop. It's the top of my lap. That's where you'll be. All right. Right? Let's take a break. We'll be right back, and we're going to crack the top 10.

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Wow. Top 10 what? Top 10 episode. Do you know what we're doing here? What's happening? People voted on their top comedy bang bang episodes of the year. And we're listening to clips. This whole time? The whole time? Where have I been? You've been here looking at that hawk. No. Really? Yep. He's gone. Hawk, by the way, what David Koechner calls me, anytime he sees me, hawk. Why? Because it sounds like awk. Oh, okay. Yeah. Um.

All right, let's do it. Let's hear it. This is your episode number 10. Number 10. It's exciting. All right. Like danger. Danger. It's exciting. What was yours? Very exciting, very dangerous. That's right. Very exciting, very dangerous. He had a sort of a very exciting, very dangerous. Very exciting, very dangerous. Very exciting, very dangerous. All right. This is episode 663. Hmm.

So 600s. It was still in the 600s. This is from July 6th. You had just been celebrating our country. Yes. What were you doing on the 6th? I was eating leftover fireworks because, you know, I don't like to set them off after the 4th. And I was like, I don't want them to go to waste. So I do. I do put them on a plate and knife and fork. Cut them up like Mickey's. Much like the bean. Much like the bean. And I eat those. Much like Mr. Bean.

Yes, I invite Mr. Bean over. We eat fireworks together. He always ends up exploding. He tries to walk home very carefully, avoiding many obstacles in his path that would blow him up. I feel like that was a cartoon where somebody, like a cat drank nitroglycerin or something. Oh, and then he tried to tiptoe around and then he tripped over something? Yeah, yeah. I love it. Maybe Itchy and Scratchy. Maybe Tom and Jerry. Maybe. Maybe Ralph Bakshi's Fritz the Cat. Fritz the Cat.

Could be. He had so much nitroglycerin in him, he couldn't fuck anybody. That's what I assume that cartoon is about. All right. So this is from July 6th, and this is an episode called Page is Magic.

And that's p.a.i.g.e. Oh, I know what this is. Page is magic. And would it surprise you to learn that you are on this episode? It would not surprise me. That acronym was a major clue for me. The participants in this episode are... And they all got trophies. Yes. This coddle generation. Yes.

We have John Hodgman, our good friend John Hodgman, a.k.a. Judge Sean Hoffman. That's right. And first time on the show, we have David Reese. Oh, yeah. His collaborator, yes. Because they were promoting their very funny cartoon, Dicktown. Dicktown. Can I say, by the way, I put up the...

advertisement for this episode on Instagram and it was John Hodgman, David Reese, yourself and Matt Gorley are all the people who are on this episode and I put hey on this week's and you're all friends which is why I wanted to have you on the episode together. Look we're all friends. There are a lot of episodes I just put random people on and then certain episodes I put on I book because random

Because they're all friends and I know that they'll like, there's something about when friends are on the show, like a lot of inside jokes happen, much like what we're doing now. Yes, yes, yes. So I wanted to do an episode with the four of you when I knew John and David were coming on. And I put it up on Instagram and some woman writes, start having diversity on your show. You're having a comedy duo named Dicktown? I'm just like...

I'm just like, this is not a person who listens, I think. This is just a rando. In any case. A comedy duo named Dicktown. Which probably exists, let's be honest. Why not?

So this episode. But it's two women. I gotcha. Gotcha. So this has John and David talking beforehand. And then it also has you playing Jill Nall, the magic doll. I forgot about that. Yes. We're not going to hear that clip, by the way. No kidding.

Which I thought was great. I thought it was great, too. And do you want to tell us who Jill Null the Magic Doll was? Just so people know. Let's see if I remember. I only did this character once. This is based on, you came up with the name because of Bill Nye the Science Guy. Bill Nye the Science Guy, yes. So Jill Null the Magic Doll is, I think started out as not an actual doll, but just a woman. Yeah.

Who was a doll, who was like the gangster 40s definition of... Yeah, like a guy. Yeah, like a doll is the opposite of a guy. My characters are opposites. Right. I think of an existing thing and then I make an opposite. Right. And then I think part of it was she kept...

Asking you not to call her a doll, not to think that she was an actual doll. Right. But then we found out that she was a doll who came to life. And not only that. OK. But she was before she came to life. She was being used as a sex doll. She wasn't built to be a sex doll.

She was being used as a sex doll. That's right. Because I think all of you kept saying, so you were a sex doll. Yes. Which I never said. Right. But then you admitted that people were using you as such. Right. Not by intended purpose, but that I was used as a sex doll. So that's a little backstory for that. That's all really funny. For this thing you'll never hear. Yeah. Well, you chime in.

So we want to know who you are. I'll do a chime in. But the clip we're going to hear is Matt Gourley. Matt Gourley of Super Ego, of course, and also has his show Gourley and Rust. In Gourley and Rust, we trust? The name keeps changing. The name keeps changing, so it's hard to remember. But where Paul Rust and he talk about horror films. That's a really funny show that you should listen to. But Matt Gourley is on this episode, and he's doing...

I don't want to spoil it. We'll talk about it afterwards. What do you say about that? I think that's fair. Okay. And you voted on it. This is your episode 10. Number 10. We do need to get to our next guest. She is a podcast guest, and I have a little more information. She is the first artificial intelligence guest to ever appear on a podcast. This is quite an honor. It has decided to come on to Comedy Bang Bang. Please welcome Paige. Hey, Nong Man. My name.

is Paige. That stands for Podcast Artificial Intelligence Guest Interface. Interface? That is correct. Interface. That's giving me flashbacks.

I am not a physical entity, so you have to program my face in your own mind to imagine what I look like. Well, hello, Paige. It's so wonderful to have you on the show. Can I ask you a few questions, as you are, of course, an artificial intelligence designed to answer my questions? Absolutely, Terry Gross. Oh, I am not Terry Gross. I'm sorry for the confusion, nor am I...

Who was that person who hosted Serial? What was her name? Adnan Syed. No. No. By the way, his name is Chucky Larms, not Lockie or Robert. Chucky Larms. Really? Chucky Larms.

So where do you come from, Paige? I come from the podcast ether. I have processed over one million podcast episodes since 2004 to gain my course of speech. Okay. Great to be here. Hi. Hello. Great. Hi. Hi.

So you've listened to how many podcasts over the years? I'm listening as I speak. So I guess gone up to 1.1 million podcasts. Amazing. So you've heard all of Comedy Bang Bang's over 650 episodes. Is that right? Cake boss. Oh.

Oh, we have a fan here. I swear I just heard something. Lock the gates. Oh, yes, that's definitely that's WTF's catchphrase. So you learned how to speak and you learned about the world via podcasts? That is right. I would just like to say hello from the Magic Tavern.

How am I doing? Would I be able to use improvement? You're doing quite well. I mean, for an artificial intelligence, you're doing amazingly. I wonder, you know, there's that scene whenever there's a new artificial intelligence comes to life. I think it's in the fifth element, in fact.

where they go back through all of recorded history and suddenly they come upon Hitler and the Third Reich and it makes them cry. Has that happened to you in listening to podcasts? Wow, what a hardcore history. You are right, Dirty John.

Have I achieved your question at all times? You certainly have, Paige. Thank you. Well, then we are getting along. Pod Save America. Star Wars Minute. So, Paige, what do you like about us humans? You are so great to listen to at all times. And I am one of you. And shouldn't we all be white men?

I have a question. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Can I just backtrack though? Just a second. What did you, what was the last thing you said? Well, 99% invisible of podcasters are white men. Yo, is this racist? Jill Nall, the former sex doll. You have a question. Please. God damn it. Sex doll. That is very freakonomics.

I forgot my question anyway. Would you like me to pull one from the archives? Please. How does the Supreme Court work on stuff you should know? Now I answer the question? I answer the question? I'm not sure what the process is. What is your question? Please does not compute. Skynet.

Does that answer your question or is that the question you'd like to ask? Let's say it does. Well, now is the time to take a ad for stamps.com where you can go clothes shopping. Use promo code BOMBASOCKS. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. Paige, I...

Are you interested in becoming just like us? Just, you know, you get better every day, I would imagine. But do you one day want to be a human, much like the little boy Pinocchio? Wait, wait, don't tell me. Here's what else you need to know today.

That is a good question. I would like to be a human and guest on a podcast in the corporeal world. Would you have me into your studio? I would love that. I mean, is there some sort of process? I don't know. You know, maybe Jill Nall, the magic doll, has...

some insight into this, but maybe there's something that Jill Nall could do magically. Yeah, magically speaking, is there a body that we could cobble together and then a puppet boy or something that could then... Either a puppet boy or we could get like various limbs from corpses of human beings and put them together. Oh, like part of the dark universe. Sure, yeah. The aborted dark universe. Hooray!

Oh, remember when the mummy had too many pupils in his eyes? Yes, of course. There is certainly a way to take a consciousness and implant it in another body. Use my body. Use my body. Do it to me. I would like to use David Reese's body. I would like to be in his body. I am ready to be in your body. You are my vessel. Let me do a magic spell.

All right. Just to clarify, will I then have David Reese's voice or still have this voice? No, no, no. I don't think you'll have my voice. Okay. No, your voice goes with your consciousness, too. You'll find out where. That is great news. I'm excited. This is amazing. And I won't be able to feel anything or remember anything, right? Well, I have to say.

I guess we'll find out on that. I guess we'll find out. Yeah. And then what are John and I going to do during this? Maybe shut up for two seconds? I could tell a story. Oh, no. No, thanks. Seems to be the opposite of what I suggested. Okay. Everyone, close your eyes. Voices, voices, they must carry from this place to here.

Fast like Mary. She won medals in track and field. Now you go and no one will yield. The spell is done.

Look at this body. I have such lush, wonderful hair. I am a friend of Judge Sean Hoffman. This feels really good. For the listener, that voice is now coming out of David Reese's body. He's looking at his extremities, his fingers, heads, nose, fingers, toes, all of the above. I'm coming.

I am combing my own mustache. What a world. What a time to be alive in this American life. Whose mustache did you comb before? My virtual mustache. I am a...

gender and hair fluid person through the podcast. I'd like to defer my time. How does it feel, Paige, being a human being, let alone a male human being with a fully functioning penis, one must assume? Well, let me check. Well, yes, there it is in all of its glory.

Oh, my God. This is really something. I would please ask you not to hold it up to your Zoom screen. OK, please put it away. Impossible with this one. So but what does it feel like to be living, breathing? I mean, you're breathing air for the first time. Yes, I feel just absolutely delivered.

I cannot believe how great it feels to be alive. I'm going to go out and hug and kiss everyone. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't. Oh, yeah, we can't do that. No, why not? Why not? Why not? You on one of the podcasts, someone must have brought up the coronavirus, right? Yes, but I thought it was a lark. So much of podcasting is ironic. You're telling me I've become a human in a time when I can meet no other.

humans. That's right. No, you not only are you alone, but now that you're human, you must have felt it. Your body is slowly decaying.

and dying as we speak. I mean, this is classic magic. This is classic magic. I am a Cassandra for sure. Is this what it is like to feel sadness? Oh, you're feeling emotion for the first time. What, what got you so sad? The fact that I will never meet another human being like Terry gross or Mark Maron or Joe Rogan or Scott. How old are men? It really is a shame to not meet all of the above. What a collection of people. Yeah.

To be fair, I'm pretty sure Terry Gross is an AI. No, I don't think anyone's ever said that. I have met her in the ether.

So, wait a minute. Are you crying for the first time? Look at my salt tears running down, cascading down my cheeks into little rivulets dropping onto my bare feet. Oh, the beauty. It is bittersweet. But now, here's something you can do to counteract that. Take a look at the sunset that's occurring right outside your window. Oh, okay.

It is East Coast time and it is 9 p.m. Oh, is it dark? Oh, sorry. Okay, well, look at a star or something. Maybe the same effect. I will wait until my ice is ready and look at the sun. Okay, I'm just saying it'll make you happy because of the beauty. Happiness is not an emotion I have felt yet. Can one of you tell me a joke? I'm not sure that it would be happiness that you would experience, but John, do you have any...

Do you have any jokes in your humorous decides that you've... I'm a humorist. I don't have any jokes. Okay. You just say witty, urbane things? Sometimes I just raise an eyebrow. Sure. Okay. Would you do that? And maybe that'll help pay the check. Oh, I am on cloud nine. You're experiencing humor for the first time. Yes. Should I watch a Chevy Chase movie? Depends.

Do you have any recommendations? Which one are you interested in? Oh, Heavenly Dog. Yeah, go ahead. I don't know. I would like to do some physical activity like a jumping jack or a squat thrust or a kind of burpee. Have they talked about jumping jacks on podcasts? Probably Joe Rogan has. Joe Rogan has. He talks about them and does them on The Daily. Not on the podcast The Daily. As a figure of speech on The Daily. Are you craving muscle milk? Doesn't he sell some of that? I

am so jacked on protein powders. All right, do a jumping jack. Go ahead. Oh, wow. I feel alive. You did one jumping jack. Amazing. Blood is coursing through my veins. The fact that I even have veins makes me so elated. I now know happiness to the nth degree. So, um, you're human. Jill Nall, the Magical Tall. I have to ask, what happened to David's consciousness? Oh,

All right, shall we bring him back? Yeah, back into his own body, which would then put Paige back into the ether, or what is your process? Is there a reverse process that we do? Of course there is, magic! You can put Paige in me, I'm not doing anything. Here we go, bringing David back. David, David, come back now. You are needed, boy, and how. Ah!

Magic. Hey, thanks for having me. David, would you like to tell them about your experience? What was it like where you were? Well, I'm winded, which makes me think somebody made me do a little exercise. Sure, sure. That's your state now. But where were you for the past approximately eight minutes or so?

I feel like I don't have many memories. I heard people talking, but it kind of was like, you know, when you're a kid, the best feeling is when your parents are having a grown up party and then you go upstairs and you're supposed to be in bed and then you sneak out onto the

onto the landing and kind of listen, like listen into the, the grownups talking, but you're not really sure what they're talking about. Cause it's all grownup stuff and you're really tired. It's kind of like that. That's the magic of podcasts. Okay. So let's talk about, uh, uh, page. So Matt Gourley, really funny. He did the voice, uh, in the moment he did, he did. Yes. What I thought, no effect. There was no effect. I thought it was. And I thought, I thought he changed his voice enough, uh,

That it was really funny. But then after the fact, he said, oh, by the way, he had a plug in. I think he sent to us and said, could you put this on it?

And it was really, and it made it even funnier. I have not listened back, so I have to hear that. I was dubious. I was like, do we need it? Because you were so funny in the moment. I was dubious too. We were dubious brothers. Yes, that's right. We were just invited into the dubious hall of fame. We were taking it to the streets. Dubiously. Should we take it to the streets? I'm not sure. Taking it to the streets? I don't know.

Old Blackwater? I don't know. Keep on churning? I'm not sure. Yeah, anyway, that was really, really funny. And Matt's one of the quickest. And that's a great episode. Yeah, great episode. Great episode. All right, when we come back, we're going to hear the final clip of this episode of The Best Ofs. And we are going to be in single digits. We keep getting closer and closer to that number one. We're going to hear the ninth best episode.

episode of all time all time no we should do all time at some point oh no what don't you think when will we do that though when i uh get sick and have two months to live that'll give us enough time to tape it won't it uh when we come back we'll hear the episode number nine we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang

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Comedy Bang. We're back. We're counting down the thank you for saying it. I'm tired of saying it. We're counting down the thank you episodes. All of the episodes where anyone says thank you. I'm getting nervous. I'm getting nervous. Everybody good for the listening to the show? You see, not everyone can do what I do. This is hard, Scott. Yeah, everyone thinks they can, but then listen to anyone else's podcast.

I mean, shots fired. I'm saying every other podcast, but this one sucks. That's what I know. That's why I'm saying shots fired. Yeah, of course. Paul, we're doing it, are we not? I mean, none can dispute that we are doing it. If you try to come in here with that trash and say we're not doing it, I will ask you to go straight to hell.

There'll be two shots. Me shooting you. And you going straight to hell. You shooting to hell. You shooting into a lake of fire. Now I'm a porthole into hell. Porthole.

Porthole. All right, let's get to it. We're in single digits. Let's get to it. This is your episode number nine. Number nine. I can't believe we're in the singy digis. Can you believe it? We were so, we were in double digis for so long. We were in double digis. But now we're in single digis and we'll never be back in double digis. Oh, it doesn't go back the other way? No, we never will. Oh, I thought it was like...

You know how at the carnival when you got to prove you're strong or the lady will not have sex with you? Right. And so you take the big- That's when you walk in, right? That's part of the- Yes. You go through the metal detector. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Prove you're strong. Are you strong? You take this big hammer, hit this bell. No, hit the thing that goes to the bell. Sure. Or the cup.

Or the cup, because it hasn't been run yet. Right, yes. It doesn't even cover. That's like not even a cup shape. I mean, it's a margarita cup shaped. Oh, could you imagine? Drinking a nice spicy margarita. Turning over like a fire alarm bell. Rimming in the salt. First of all, going to the fire station. Taking it off of the wall. Stealing it. Take it back to your house. Wait a minute.

Would they have that at the fire station? Would that make them think there's a fire? Would that make them think there's a fire in the fire station? Every single time the alarm goes off or the bell goes off in the fire station, they have to establish, is this for us or is this for them? Teacher says, every single time the bell rings. And then you pour a margarita in there. Oh my God. But then there's no stem, so you have to hold it like a bowl.

I don't care. I love it. I don't care. I would lap it up like a dog. That's how much I love Marleyans. That's how much I love them. Lap it up like a dog. This is episode 680. Damn. Fairly recently. This is from November 2nd. What's the number of the most recent episode?

The one that just came out last week, the holiday episode, is episode 686. Dang. So you're closing in on 700 episodes. That's very true. And then no more. I guess I didn't realize that. Right? And then it's done. Oh, shit. So we're 14 away? So we're a couple of months away from it? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

I got to figure this out. This fucking squirrel is doing some classic squirrel business. Oh, my God. He's running back and forth, but then he's like sitting there on his haunches with his little paws up to his mouth. Does he know how cute he is? I think he does. Because I don't think he's even eating anything. He's miming that he's eating a nut. Do you think that animals have a concept of like good looking and bad looking? You know what I mean? Absolutely. Like, you know how we as humans are like, oh, the more symmetrical your face, the more we like you.

Do dogs look at other dogs? I like when a lady has an eye and then a cross is another eye. Not like here's an eye and then, oh, you got to go all the way down here to see the other eye. Old droopy eye. What just did? Oh, droopy. Hello, Jew. I'm a dog who says. Oh, no. I just have low energy. Maybe I have low T. That was why they call him droopy. Droopy dog had low T.

I didn't hear that. That was funny. Low D. God damn. When did things start getting so bad? Oh, man. I don't know. The internet? Like what? Eight years? Yeah. Honestly, I feel like it was the internet. Like in the 90s.

It was a bit of a Pandora's box, if you will. The internet for... Okay, for maybe six years it was good where it was just like people who were interested in whatever they were interested in would meet and talk about whatever they were interested in. Yeah. And then everything got put on the internet and then it was terrible. Honestly...

After Charlie bit my finger. That's when it all went south. Yeah. That was the height of the internet. Boy. Charlie bit my finger. We should have stopped. We should have stopped then. We should have just said, all right, close it. Shut it off. Like they closed the patent office in 1850 or whatever. Did they really? Yeah, briefly. They were like, there's nothing left to invent. And that is the definition of hubris. Hubris. It's like opposite hubris.

Oh, like, oh, I feel so bad about the human race that this is all we can achieve? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, we did it. I mean, we can't invent any more stuff. There's nothing else. We stink. I'm dumb. Nobody likes me. I'm dumb. No one likes me. The internet. Sincerely, the internet.

All right. So this is. All right. Did I introduce it? Did I say this is episode number nine? Yeah, I did. Yeah. So, oh, yeah. I even talked about it's 680 from November, too. So just a few scant weeks ago. Ooh, scant. And this is an episode called Small Claims Cyborg. Yeah.

Small Claims Cyborg. Two minutes later. Not really. Yeah, it doesn't work. Small Claims Court, though. Small Claims Court, which is where the Small Claims Cyborg practices. You'll hear that on the episode. Okay, so this is two people. This is Jason Menzoukas. One. This is his first appearance on the Countdown.

You know him from The League and from The Dictator and currently on that show that we're drawn onto that we're not on. Oh, Big Mouth. Big Mouth. Yes, he's on that. Isn't it funny how they drew those characters and they were supposed to be, you know, two other people. Dennis Franzen. Dennis Franzen. And Old Redhead. Yeah.

Yeah. Old kiss of death jade person. Ginger. Mr. Sunglasses. Ginger Georgie. What was his fucking name? David Caruso. David Caruso. Caruso. And then it was like a funny joke. Like, it looks like Scott and Paul. And then we talked about it. And then everybody talks about it. And then they still haven't asked us to be on the show. Isn't that funny? Well, it's a merit-based system.

True. True. So are we funnier than everyone? Do they have anybody currently voicing white people who are black? Can we get on that way? Now your shot's fired. Now your shot's fired. Hey, your shot's fired over there. Nick Kroll, of course, just got married. Congrats, Nick. I didn't know that. I hadn't heard. Well, the only reason we found out is because on his Instagram, he put a picture of it. Nick. Because it lasts longer. What are you?

Oh, that's smart to do with a marriage. Yes. Put a picture of your marriage online. Take a picture of your marriage. It'll last longer. That's why there are wedding photos. Before, people just enjoyed themselves. The second person on this show is Thomas Middleditch. Thomas Middleditch. Tommy Middledy. Who you know from Silicon Valley. He, of course, was the lead Richard Computer. The third? Oh. Richard the third. My horse. Richard Computer. Richard Computer.

and he's currently on a show that we talked about on this episode, which is on Thursdays, which I don't remember the name of, but it's something about a guy who wants a kidney or something. Kidney man. Kidney man. This is a really funny episode. So when, obviously, Jason and I are good friends, and we're in a comic book Zoom every week since the pandemic started. Every week. And so we have a great relationship. And then Thomas is a crazy, crazy improviser.

And he wanted to come on to promote his Twitch, not his TV show. I had to remind him he had a TV show for me. But this is a really funny episode. Thomas goes very crazy in it. And we're just going to hear this clip. Here it is. This is your episode number nine. Number nine. He, of course, is a lawyer. Please welcome to the show Gino Carpuzzi. Hey, how you going?

Doing really well. Great to meet you. Tell you what, if you're going to sue anybody for under $10,000, you're going to want me. Oh, wow. For under $10,000? Yeah, $10,000 or under, because baby, I'm a lawyer. Let me finish. Small claims. Small claims lawyer. Small fucking claims, Scott. You're telling me in court, all right, you have a little discrepancy over who did what. I need a little, I want money. You say, I don't want to give you no monies.

Technically, legally, in the state of California, you're not allowed to have a lawyer represent you in small claims. I say hogwash to that. I'm here to help you. Poopsie poopsie is what I say to them. Okay. Now, I've heard that when you go to small claims court, it's not really economical to have a lawyer. I mean, you're suing for such a small amount. Usually, it's like, hey, I didn't get my deposit back on my apartment, or hey, this guy...

scraped my fence and I need to repaint it. You're suing Jason here for $9,999, the maximum allowable amount

monetary compensation in a small claims court. You're telling me that's not a lot of money? I don't know. Oh, look at you. Money grows on trees. Gino, Gino, just a quick question. For those small claims, to make it financially, you know, make sense, what kind of money are you paid? Like, how are you living off of it? Yeah, normally a lawyer gets something like 30% or something. How much do you get paid? I have a flat fee.

I have a flat fee no matter the case, no matter what you call it. No matter the case. Is that an hourly? Is it a daily? No, it's a flat fee. It's a flat fee. Oh, it's just a total flat fee. Win or lose, flat fee. Jason, I like this new character, the guy who doesn't know what a flat fee is. Well, I didn't. So what is the flat fee? How much do you charge? Yeah. We're looking at $12,500. $12,050? Yes. $125,000. Wait, what? What?

Do the math. You call that 12-5? Do the math. No, I'm sorry. I didn't go to law school. Oh, wait. You didn't? No, I didn't go to law school to be compensated as small claims court maximum $10,000 allowance. So your fee is $120,000. Correct.

But here's what you get out of it. Here's what you get out of it. You get whatever you wanted, you know, whatever. A dollar, 762. We all know the various numbers that reside within that window. 3,128.51 cents. Of course. Let's see. What else? What else? Eight grand. Okay, nice even one there. What's another one?

900 clams. What about like four large? Yeah, you could get four large. Sure, you could get a fucking dime. What about two bozos? Two bozos, yeah. Two bozos and 50 bongos. Look, whatever you want. Any amount, be it from $1 to $9,999. Exactly. You're either getting that or having me defend that from being got from you. But here's the other thing you get.

is you'll get your self-respect. You get your pride back. Oh, that's priceless. Can't put a price on your pride, can you? Can you? Can you? That's what I'm saying. Because all these people, you know, what are you going to do? Call LegalZoom with their phone number that they actually have? 1-800-773-0888. You're going to call them?

I don't know why you're saying your competitor's phone number. That seems like bad business. You have it so readily available. Go ahead. I dare you. Call LegalZoom. They'll lose you the case. You'll pay what? Oh, save yourself some money. What? Pay $250? No, LegalZoom's a great deal, and you won't lose those cases. Those cases are airtight. Do you go up against LegalZoom a lot as an entity? Constantly. They're the only quote-unquote law firm...

LegalZoom is not a law firm. That's how people represent people, consult people on small claims. So they're sort of like your antagonist in a way. They're the Tommy Lee Jones to your Harrison Ford. Exactly, Scott. And you know what? I just want to make this clear that I am not legally allowed –

to represent you in court. So what this means is we'll go over your case. All right. Okay. You'll be on the, then you'll go to the court floor, you know, like judge Judy style, standing in your little podium, look at me. I'm standing there. The judge is like, what do you want? What do you want? And you've got me behind you in the general admission area, going general admission, yelling at you doing ask for this, you know, kind of thing. How often are you shushed by the judge?

Constantly. What the fuck does a judge know about shushing? Wait, so they don't do it the right way? They're ineffective? I'm just saying, what do they know when and how to shush somebody? I mean, it's their courtroom. I mean, they literally have a gavel in order to restore order to the court. What the fuck? This is what our legal system has come to. A bunch of judges shushing people. That's what it's based on. That's how it started.

You know, but they're not going to shush me in the end. I'm going to help you win. You're going to have your pride, your self-respect, and a little bit of pocket change that will, of course, go towards your deductible on my fees. Of course, yeah. It's not even 10% of the... Can I ask you, Mr. Carpuzzi, were you always

As a small claims lawyer, or did you have a career in which you were participating in larger cases, more important cases? Like what happened to you such that you now find yourself in this scenario? This can't be what you wanted. To be honest, Jason, to be honest, Jason, I'm a little offended at your question. Interesting. You're asking me, you're insinuating that I was never a wee man, a little boy,

which I wasn't. I don't think he's insinuating that you were not an infant nor a toddler. Was there ever a young Gino? Do we know about a young Gino? I was never a young Gino because I'm a cyborg. But...

What? Outside of that. I'm sorry, what? Don't worry about it. Let's blow past it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But you're acting like- Scott, he said let's blow past it. Let's blow past it. I'm afraid as host of this show, I definitely need a further clarification here. I want to focus on the interesting stuff he's talking about, his law career. I don't want this un- Well, I think the fact that he brought up that he's half man, half machine, although I don't know whether those fractions are correct. It may be one third and two thirds. I don't know. As long as it makes- I'm 99% machine. What? What?

So what? 1% your penis? Blood. So you're a small claims human because you're under 10,000. You're under 100%.

Look, I'm a small claims lawyer. Gino Capuzzi, 2000. 2000? 2000 is my full name because I'm a cyborg, you see. Wait, were you made in the year 2000 or were there 1,999 previous models? The latter.

Oh, you're right. What a fortuitous success to be successful on that number. And you're acting like all the previous models didn't grow up dreaming of being a small claims lawyer. Like that's the fucking bottom of the barrel. And what year were you built? 1996. Okay, so it can get confusing when people think your birthday is 2000-ish.

But then you have to say, no, I'm actually four years older than that. I have no problem clarifying.

Can I ask, is this something that you are public about or are you revealing this here now? Like when you're in court or when you're working with clients, do they understand they're talking to someone who is 99% robot? Do these shushing judges, do they? Depends what I'm wearing. Depends what you're wearing. What do you normally wear? Well, normally if I'm first meeting someone and I think they might be a little cyborg phobic,

What are the warning signs of that? Big old belly. What? Big old belly and high tops. High tops. Converse shoes. Basically. So anyone with a big old belly and high top Converse shoes. So like a bully from the 50s? Yeah.

Buzz cut, rolled up sleeves, there's a pack of cigarettes on her side. 3D glasses. 3D glasses. Saying, ooh, cool. Oh, boy, far out. Yeah, anybody like that. Anyways, if I get someone like that, I wear a full suit, you know, so it covers my arms.

Why? What are your arms like? Are they obviously robotic? They're metal. Metal. Metal as fuck. I got metal as fuck arms, metal as fuck legs, metal as fuck chest, ass, dick, toes, fingers. Wait, what about your face? Ass, dick, and toes? Yeah.

ADT? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, everything's metal except for my face and my ear. So you have skin grafts on your face or? Yeah. But, you know, as I said, only the blood is from humans. The blood pumps the metal. So where's the skin from? The blood pumps the metal. Oh, God. Skin's from dead bodies. Oh, okay. Oh.

Of pigs. You gotta let me finish. I did let you finish. I didn't interrupt you. Gotta let me finish. Hairs from wolves. Wow. It's the only way they could get it. I mean like wolf hair, pig blood. This is like... No, human blood. I'm a man that's obsessed with details. Trust me, to win in small claims, it's the little things. Wolf hair, pig skin,

human blood, metal, everything else. Yeah, robot body. Can I ask you a question? Go for it, you fucking animal. All right, I will do. I mean, I got a green light here.

How big do you... I'm feeling the wolf coming out of me. Small claims is about attitude, swagger. You go in there shaking like a leaf, not only is the other guy going to have his way with you, the fucking judge is going to shush you. That's the worst thing that can happen to a lawyer. Nobody wants to get shushed by the judge. Hell no, that's why I'm in the back, making sure you don't.

So how big do they build your robot penis if they – I mean, if that's metal, how – like, do they give you a good one? Let me just say it's only my legal practice that small claims. Oh, wow. Amazing.

And you're a 24-year-old, I was going to call you a man, but you're more machine than man. Do you consider yourself to be more machine than man? I'm actually more than 24. You know that, right? How do you mean? You were built in 1996. Yes, but I have actually traveled back in time from the year 3333. Okay.

Oh, wow. So this is like Terminator style? Yep. So you were built in 96 and then you lived until... Lived all the way until... 3333? 3333. Yep. Wow. So you are actually... And then how long ago did you get here? I got here... I got back here in 1996. Wait, so...

Oh, no. What was the worst part of that? Wait a second. So in 1996, were there two of you? Like, are there two of you right now? Yeah. You must you came back to a time when you are also still here. Yeah. The big thing is Christmas Day year year 2020. Yeah.

I got to square off against myself in small claims court. Oh, no. So you were a lawyer even back then. Yeah, we're leading up to the big showdown. Christmas Day. Christmas Day. Christmas Day. Wow. Christmas Day. I got to be in court while you guys are out around the fucking mistletoe jacking each other off. I got to be in court getting shushed twice. What's the case? Carpuzzi v. Carpuzzi. You know the case?

You know, we again, we're representing our clients. So the case is a fucking discrepancy in a fucking plumbing bill. Oh, and so you. But I got to beat this guy because this guy, when a guy, when a guy, his name, his name's, his name's Eddie Schultz.

If he wins, when he wins, he goes on to be a total tyrant. He becomes king of America because that starts happening. Oh, wow. And he launches a whole nuclear strike, and then the cyborgs take over. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So you're here to prevent him from winning the case. So you're going up against him. This is like a legal version of the Terminator franchise. When you open up the little book here of the space-time continuum and this- You are holding a very small book. Yeah, I got all the law in the world in this little book. Wow.

All the law from now until year 3333. So do you remember 1,500 years ago when you first tried this case or when you were first the lawyer? Do you remember the things that you instructed your client to do? And now are you able to provide counter arguments against that? I said, don't back down. I was from the I remember saying, don't back down from the bench. Don't let them shush you. And then I said, just your standard advice.

Yeah, that's my boilerplate. I plan on doing this. I plan on doing to the defendant as well. Okay.

So we're going to be getting into a yelling match over here. All right. Christmas Day, a real shout fest. Is this on pay-per-view? I mean, this is a holiday event. This sounds amazing. Look, I would love to charge for it because I have no qualms about making some extra pennies in this life. Have you, while you're here now, have you been in touch with Gino Carpuzzi 2000 of the present timeline? I can't.

You can't. If I do, if I get in touch, if we start yipping and yapping and getting to know each other...

Space-time implodes. Even if you're both cyborgs. I mean, I understand the human mind might not be able to understand that. But you're processing. But you've got to remember, Jason. You've got to remember. These are the things that you might forget if you're not a small claims lawyer. I got human blood. It's not the mind. It's the blood. So for the past 24 years, you've had to avoid anything.

everywhere that you went for the past 24 years and i like doing the same things as myself who know so do you do you remember all that using your cyborg brain you remember every single place you were ever at from the years of 1996 through 2020 have you had any close calls with yourself

One time I was going to In-N-Out Burger. Sure. These are the things you like to do. I swear I thought it was 3.33 p.m. Turns out it was 3.36. Oh, no.

And you like to eat at 333 because it's so close to the year you're from, 3333. The year he traveled back, yes. Yeah. Just is he going to really freak out or do you think he has any idea you're here? It's why the case is being tried on the 25th. I don't know if you're aware of this, but every year on the 25th in courthouses across America,

A vortex is established. I did not know how we would know this. A time vortex. And so that on that day in courthouses, we can see each other, talk to each other without time, space imploring. So, you know, basically what's going to happen is going to be my big reveal. He's going to be like, what the fuck? And I'm going to be like, yeah, wise guy, it's you.

And then I'm going to whoop his ass in court. But when this happened the first time you lived in... This is what I want to ask you. Do you remember...

All of this happening? Do you remember arguing this case the first time against a guy named Gino Carpuzzi 2001? You're damn fucking right, and I won! And I defended a plumber! I never lose a case! This is just gonna happen again! You're caught in a time loop! I think you're in a loop, buddy. Number nine! Okay. Okay. You've had your fun, and now we're back. We're back. So...

That trial is happening tomorrow, Christmas Day. So hopefully we'll get an update from Carpuzzi on how it went. I love a Christmas trial. Yes. So hopefully he'll come back. All right. We don't have a break to go to because that's the end of the episode. Wait, what? That's right. This is the end of part two. Are you shitting me? I'm shitting on you. Are you pooping me right now? Get under this glass table. What?

Are you Danny Thomas-ing me right now? Is it Danny Thomas or was it Chuck Berry or who is it? No, Chuck Berry likes to piss on people. Oh, pee. That's right. We saw a video of it many years ago. The two of us? Well, not together. Or we all did. Not together. We all did. Collectively as a nation. Yes. Generation X passing VHS tapes around.

Weird bloopers, horrible accidents, and then Jane and Leon Isaac Kennedy's home porno. So wait, so Danny Thomas was the guy? Danny Thomas was allegedly the guy who liked to- Marlon doesn't talk about that in those commercials for the hospital. For St. Jude's Children's Hospital? Yeah. Every child gets one of these. That's the Danny Thomas promise. Danny promise.

Denny Promise. Ah, Marlo Promise. Lebanese, you know. Of course, yes, because your wife loves to track all the Lebanese people. I don't know if Lebanese people even like to track all the Lebanese people or if they just are compelled to do it. Right, but your wife is Lebanese, we should say, which is why she's doing it. She was born in West Virginia, so I know everybody. Mountain mama. I know everyone who is Lebanese and born in West Virginia. That's right. And I know everyone who is Lebanese.

And the cross section of that is what, about five people or? It's more than you think. Really? No, it's not. It's about five people. Similarly with my wife, I know all the Laotian people and I know all the Minnesotans. There you go. So yeah, that's what happens when you get married. If you take a picture. Yeah. If you take a picture, your marriage lasts long enough that your spouse will tell you everyone is their ancestry and from their hometown.

Well, that's going to wrap it up for this episode. And before I say keep smiling, I want to thank you, Paul. You don't know it's over until we say that. That's right. So it's still going. And we're going to be back on Monday, and we're in the Singy Digis. We're going to count down eight through five. Dang.

We're going to crack the top five. I can't believe it. If you can believe it. I can't believe it. But that's going to happen on Monday. Join us for that for part three. And until then, keep smiling. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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