Best of 2020 Part 3
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I'm the best gunslinger with the tiniest dinger. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Call Waiting for Godot. Can you run that by me again? I don't know. I don't think I can. Oh, my God.

Thank you to Call Waiting for Godot for that catchphrase submission. Almost a catchphrase superstar, Call Waiting for Godot. How many? We've heard from them a few times. Oh, okay. Good for you, Call Waiting for Godot. I don't think anyone's keeping stats on the catchphrase submitters. Somebody is. Yeah, it's probably... Somebody is. What is this voice? You were doing this before we started. It sounds like that guy. Who's the guy who does the Colors album? Not Ice-T.

Speaking of iced tea. Oh, Ken Nordean. Ken Nordean. That's who it is. The line broke. The monkey got choked.

And they all went to heaven in a little rowboat. That's right. What do you think about Rudy North, by the way, saying that your iced tea impression was actually good and you should bring it back? Do you know what's really funny? I don't know what made me think of it, but I thought of that the other day and I thought that was very nice of him to say. Well, Sean Diston, by the way, I'm Scott Aukerman and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Best of Part 3, Best of 2020 Part 3. I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hi, I'm that person he said.

And we're going to be counting down episodes eight through five today on this episode. So welcome back. This is part three. If you haven't heard parts one and two, go back and listen to those. You should. Or else you'll be completely lost or just enjoy this one. They're fun. You should listen to them because you're fun. I want you to have nice things. They're fun. But I was mentioning Sean Disson. Sean started as a fan of the show. I think he used to listen to it in Florida where he's from. And then-

Wow, really? He's now on the show quite frequently. Shit, I forget how long this show has been happening. 12 years almost. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I love stuff like that. And not only is he on the show for the past few years, but one of the best people to do it. Fan favorite. A fan favorite, Rudy North. But, yeah, he used to listen. He used to listen to you doing Ice-T back when the show first started, and he thought it was really funny and brought it up.

And the reason, I don't know, have we talked about it on the show? I don't think so. Yeah, I, you know, as time marches on, I... It never goes backward, I'll tell you that. It never goes back. No, it never does, right? I wish it would. I wish it would. If I could turn back time? Would you relive your life? If I could find a way. Yeah. Who's going to say something?

Um, yeah, I, I, I made a conscious movement to, uh, move away from doing. I made a real movement about three hours ago. Scott. Hey, what you're doing is disrespectful. Big bitch. Hey, jerky. Hey, Tink's sizzle chest. Um, I made a conscious effort to move away from doing actual people, uh, real people impressions and, and start focusing on creating original characters, uh,

But also iced tea, I did start to feel like I think I subconsciously was feeling like I shouldn't do this anymore because I'm imitating a person of another race. Right. Even though the thrust of the impression is not that. Right. It still did. I think just like things that are changing in the culture, it started to kind of seep into my my, you know, unconscious mind and feeling like, yeah, I probably shouldn't do that anymore. Right.

And I had a lengthy back and forth with someone on Twitter who was being extremely respectful and saying, don't you feel that this is weird? And I started to kind of push back on it. And then I realized I did stop doing it with that kind of in the back of my mind. So this was a lengthy discussion after you stopped doing it? I hadn't done it in a while, yeah. Right, okay. And someone asked me about, like, do you feel that this is problematic? Yeah.

And at first I was like, no, I don't think so because this is the X, Y, and Z. This is why it's not problematic. Right. And then the more we were talking about it, the more I realized, well, but I, I, I think I did stop doing it because it was started when I thought about it, it didn't feel comfortable anymore. Right. You know, and it was not like anyone gave me a hard time about it. It was not, I, before I had this discussion with this person online, um,

I had already had those feelings. But there's something about when somebody, our automatic instinct is to get defensive. Yes, yes. Is to get defensive. Well, I don't do that. Scott, when you listen back to this, you're going to hear the irony. I feel bad for you. So, yeah, I really, I felt like,

Yeah, I probably shouldn't do that anymore. But it was nice of Sean to say that he thought it was funny. He didn't think it was problematic. I think sometimes, I don't know, who cares about my feelings on it? But I think sometimes... I think a lot of people do. I think your opinion matters to a lot of people. Well, I think there's sometimes nuance to it. Obviously, when you're doing an impression of...

There's a couple of different ways to do an impression. One way is to point out annoying or stupid things about the other person and highlight those and be like, they're funny because they're so stupid. Yeah.

you know, this is why they're so weird because they're different. You know what I mean? So when you're imitating Droopy, it's like Droopy's voice is like, hello, Jew. And he's a fucking idiot. And he's an idiot. No, but so sometimes when people would do impressions of people of other races, they were doing it of like, hey, we are the norm. White people are the norm.

Norm! I'm surprised he didn't walk in. He has to walk in first. They don't summon him. He's not like Candyman. And now we begin the eldritch ceremony. Norm! Norm! Norm! Afternoon, everybody. It worked!

But a lot of times, like previously, it would be like, hey, we're the culture and we're all white and people of other races talk differently. Yeah. And they're different. And I mean, you look at like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's, like they look different. Still the gold standard for just bananas. No reason for it. Racism.

And then sometimes... By the way, there's never a reason for racism. Yeah. So apparently, in this discussion, let's cancel Ball of Tompkins because he thinks there's a reason for racism. Look, sometimes it's justified, okay?

But I think sometimes there are people who are doing impressions who are like studies of human nature and they have a good ear for impressions. And let's take Peter Sellers, for instance. Sweetest guy around. Lovely, lovely guy. By all accounts, a terrific human being.

But like a lot of his act is just like looking at people and transforming into them. And I think that sometimes is interesting. And, but it's not up to me to say, you know, obviously like what's acceptable or not, but, but, uh, sometimes, sometimes I find that interesting when a person can so transform their voice, uh,

to become another person that I think allowances are, are made sometimes for that. Uh, when, when it's not a, Hey, look at how different or stupid they are. Yeah. I mean, there's, there's, there's so many things that go into what makes some characterization and what, and it's like when it's problematic, when it's truly problematic, uh,

It's because somebody's coming from a bad place. Right. And, um, but there's where the characters on the good place were actually funny. They were coming from the bad place. You know what I mean? Uh, I hope you've watched season one. Um, but if you, but even when your, your intention is good, um,

That doesn't mean that there's not... That it's always going to be received well and that it is good. Exactly, yeah. Just because you have the best of intentions doesn't mean that you should not be taken to task for a thing that you're doing. And some people will...

think it's fine and some people think it's not fine. And, you know, Sean is very nice to say that about your iced tea. It doesn't necessarily mean that it is okay for you to do him. And I have to say, outside of that one exchange that I had with that person, no one's ever given me a hard time. No one's ever... It's not like...

And even that person wasn't giving me a hard time. Right. This is not like I'm bowing to some pressure or whatever, or that PC culture is ruining everything. Right. It's that I started to view it differently. And it's also at the end of the day, is it necessary? Is it, you know, like, it's not like my, my feeling is always make more stuff.

You know, if there's an issue with something, we can't get too precious about these things. Well, that was always the thing about parallel thought in comedy. Yeah. Of like, if you had a joke or a premise that was similar to someone else.

Well, just write another joke. I would always drop it and just do something else. Yeah, just do something else. But there were guys that would like fight tooth and nail like, that was my bit, you know? Well, that's the thing is, and sketches were the same thing, you know, because like when you're writing sketches, someone would go like, oh, Living Color. I remember Mr. Show, like we stopped down for two days because something we were just about to go into production with. Someone said, I think there was something like this on in Living Color. This was before clips were on the internet. Yeah.

So we had to like do research with a call in living color and, and have them send tapes over and stuff. And then it wasn't similar. So we were able to go ahead, but, um, but, but that was the Buttman's my Buttman's, but my point was always just like,

Oh, let's just make other stuff and we'll be okay. In any case, your iced tea, let's hear a little bit of it now. Making me want to hear it. Come on.

In any case, why did we? Oh, yeah, we're just at the beginning of this episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have so many clips, a very serious discussion for the beginning of an episode, I have to say. People like to see how the bread is made. They like to hear the process, how the bread is made. Today we're going to be hearing episode, everyone voted on these episodes. Everyone voted? Yeah.

Everyone voted for their favorite episodes of the year. They could all pick 10. And this is what they came up with? 30,000 votes came in. And we are going through the 8, 7, 6, and 5 today. So we're going to crack the top five. What about the 309? 309.

What's that? You said 8, 6, 7? 5, 3, 0, 8. Did I say 8, 6, 7, 5? We're going through 8, 6, and 7. I think you did. I have... I think I have... You got Tommy Two-Tone on the brain, my man. I do, for some reason. That's somebody's favorite band, Tommy Two-Tone. Tommy Two-Tone is someone's... I mean... Someone knows the deep album cuts. Someone saw them all the time. Look, and sometimes if you see a band...

Like, for instance, Crowded House, one of my favorite bands of all time. Crow How? Yeah. Probably because I saw them live on the MTV Spring Break thing, and they were so good live, and then it just put a love in me, and so I would see them anytime I could live. With a tampon soaked with vodka up your asshole. Yep. I don't know why you said that. I don't know. That's what I think of MTV Spring Break. It makes me think of that kind of thing. I thought, did I say something to lead him into a tampon up my asshole?

I also can't believe I said, up your asshole. Yeah, really. This is so graphic. I should have said rectum, but I apologize. I barely knew him. So in any case, I don't know why we were talking about that, but... Crown House. Credit House. Favorite band. Well, if you see a band live, so many good memories. Like, I can only imagine Tommy Tootone being someone's favorite band if they, like, lived where Tommy Toot... The...

music scene Tommy Two-Tone came out of and they saw him come up several times. He's amazing live and they know all of his songs. Anyway, it can happen to anyone. It can happen to you. It can happen to you. Nicolas Cage and Bridget Fonda. Of course. What was... Oh, How Do You Know is the other one. How do you know? How do you know it could happen to you? I'd love to see a crossover of those universes. Great double feature. Guy gives a woman a $100 tip and then comes back a year later and says, who gave you the biggest tip you've ever had?

It was you. And then Jack Nicholson comes in. It was you, Nicholas Cage Cop. Jack comes in. Hey, it's me, Jack Nicholson. To be honest, I don't know the plot, too. How do you know? So I don't know. I know it has Paul Rudd. The plot is Paul Rudd doesn't know something. He knows somebody else does know something. He wants to know how they know it. So it's a whodunit. It's a how do they know it? How do they know it? New genre of film. It's the latest entry in the classic genre, how do they know it?

And it's all the reporters' questions. Who did they know it? How did they know it? Why did they know it? Where did they know it? When did they know it? It's like our five jokes. That we recycle. That'll be coming up a little later in the countdown, our five jokes. Oh, it'll be coming up. Hey, good luck. It'll be coming up a little bit later. It certainly will.

But before we get to those, why don't we just crack into these clips here? Why don't we get to it? Let's crack into them. This is the episode that you chose, if you can believe it, to be number eight. Number eight. All right. Episode number eight, Paul. This is episode 679. I thought it was episode eight, but okay.

The numerology... Numerology? Numerology. Is that a Prince song? Numerology. He must have written a song called Numerology, right? I wonder if he was into it. He definitely... I think he was into the Zodiac. I could see him being into it. Who knows? He was a little bit into chemtrails from what I understand. Yeah, but...

He had low T's. I think this is true that he was into chemtrails. Was he really? Very funny. Langston Kerman has a very funny podcast called My Mama Told Me. He was on Comedy Bang Bang promoting it. Yes, he was. And it's really great. And it's about conspiracy theories. And I think he did an episode on chemtrails with Io Adebri. And they talked about somebody saw prints on...

Maybe it was even Oprah or something talking about chemtrails. Really? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Or maybe on Larry King. He went on some sort of reputable known show and talked about how chemtrails are. Now, what they had heard, the conspiracy about chemtrails they had heard, was that the chemtrails were dropping chemicals to make people fight, lower income people to fight with each other. Right, right.

What I had heard was that the chemtrails kept us all docile so that we did not rise up against the government. Oh, so that we didn't float. Yeah, it's like the Willy Wonka theory. They had heard it was fizzy lifting drink. I had heard it was the opposite.

Well, this episode came out on October 26th. Pretty recent from where I'm sitting. Pretty recent. And also, does that give you a clue as to what it might be? Yeah, it's going to be scary because of Halloween. Yeah. Do you remember an episode that might have come out right before Halloween? Yeah. There was one about a ghost. Yeah.

Not far off. Little kids fucking lie. They just lie to your face. That was, of course, I told you the story about my friend who lied that he had read Old Yeller and was lying in his book report. We would have to do oral book reports. I don't remember this. This was in the sixth grade, and the teacher would take like four of us at a time and...

ask us questions about the book that we supposedly read. He would read your report and then ask you questions and try to trap you to see if you actually read the book. And it would be good teacher, bad teacher, right? Yeah, of course. You know, I gotta go. I got another guy. My partner's gonna come in here. Let me get you a soda. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You want coffee? Drinking fountain should make soda, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually pitched that in my – Oh, no, I didn't pitch that. I said that if I won student government, I was going to fix the drinking fountain so that when one person was drinking out of one and the next person turned the other one on, that the water level wouldn't dip so low. That's a big promise. And the principal called me in and explained why that couldn't happen and the science behind it and all that.

But my friend who supposedly read Old Yeller, he would never read the books and he would always get caught. He always got caught? Yes. I thought he was good at it. No. He's an idiot. He wrote a whole book report, which back in the sixth grade is what? A page on Old Yeller. And the teacher asked him...

you know, a cagey question like, okay, in the book, what happened here? Okay. And he had an answer. Okay. What happened here? He had an answer. Then finally, after three minutes, the teacher finally says, Doug, who was Old Yeller? And Doug said, the farmhand? He said it like that? Yeah. And

Bust it again. Doug, what are you doing, man? What are you doing, Doug? Like, look at... Read the back cover! All he had to base that on was the picture on the front cover. Fuck, he didn't even flip it over. Yeah. Doug, a legend. So good. He also had a book report on Harry Houdini. And...

He was very confident about that one and giving so many examples of his life. And then finally, the teacher said, how did Harry Houdini die? And he said, he drowned to death. At least don't phrase it like a question. And the teacher was like, no, he got punched in the stomach.

Like you're about to be dug because it's old times and I can still, I can still hit kids if I want. I think I've told you about this. The, the, the teacher, I had to read black like me in my junior year of high sophomore or junior year of high school. And, um, I read it and I read it voluntarily. We were assigned it. I read it, wrote the report and,

And the teacher gave me a failing grade on the paper. He's like, you didn't demonstrate to me that you read the book. And I was like, I don't know how I didn't. Right. But that teacher...

later ran away with a student. Oh, yeah. We've talked about the teachers that we've known running away with students. Yeah. You didn't prove to me that you can be a decent fucking human being. Yeah. Mr. I'm not going to. Much like when they bust a cop for corruption, they have to go back and overturn all of the arrests that he made. All of them. They should have given you all straight A's. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Anytime that happens. Like my junior high biology teacher who ran away with his student or maybe didn't run away, just had a relationship and stayed there with her. I think I got like a C in biology in junior high. I should have passed. I got to check back because I had to go to summer school for chemistry. I should check back and see if that guy had any scandals. Was the reason? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I should be awarded an honorary doctorate somewhere. Why am I not? I famously never graduated college. Why hasn't anyone offered me one? Kiddo, some advice. Thank you. What the fuck was that guy thinking? I don't know. So weird. Noted homophobe. Is he a noted homophobe? Well, that's what he hopes that won't be written on his tombstone, he said, because-

Because he is one? Because in the 80s he wrote a thing about how he wishes all homosexuals should be eradicated or something. Jesus Christ, sorry. Yeah. There's no way. Sorry, but even if you change your mind, which... That's not like... The article I read about it, by the way... I don't know about gay marriage. The article I read about it never said he changed his mind on it, just had the quote of like, I hope that's not going to be on my tombstone. Because I guess that's bad? Due's 81. Anyway, if you don't know what we're talking about, there was a Wall Street Journal article

Op-ed, yeah. Op-ed about Dr. Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden, paging Dr. Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden. Go check it out if you want to laugh. Go check it out. It came out a month ago, whatever. But we're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about episode that is the top eight episode. And this was October 26th, and this is an episode called Popcorn World. So see? Scary.

And would it surprise? Okay. We have Gillian Jacobs. I know her. We have Carl Tartt. I know him. And we have you. I know me. That's right. I know. Hey, you. Hey, you. I know you. I know you. You're not angry. You're just pointing. Speaking of the season of Saturday Night Live. This was, it came out right before Halloween and Gillian Jacobs, who people know from Community and

And she just directed a documentary that's in Marvel 616 that you can watch. She was here to promote her movie, which is a scary movie, which is why it came out right before Halloween. That's right. What's it called? Come Play. Which, by the way, so normally booking the show is,

There's two ways I can book the show. My way or the highway? That's right. If you don't like it, get the fuck out. No, most of the time I just write or call up or text friends and say, hey, do you want to do the show? And that is the most efficient way of booking the show. But every once in a while I get lured by a publicist into...

What ends up being a months long back and forth between me and a publicist where first what publicists do is they offer someone to be on your show. Right. They say, hey, would you want to have this person on your show? And it's always the bait and switch because. Hey, you want to have the most famous person in the world on your show? Right. Because if you say yes.

But 90% of the time they go, okay, well, let me check with them and see if they would want to do it. They never want to do it. It's a big waste of time. How do you think they got so famous? Of course they're not going to do your show. It's a big waste of time. But this was one of the episodes where the publicist of the movie, not Gillian's publicist, reached out to me and said, hey, Gillian has a movie coming out. Do you want her on the show? And yes.

Instead of just me saying like, hey, cool. Yeah, I'll just reach out to Gillian to schedule it. I went through the publicist for whatever reason. I don't know why. And it turned into a several month. It literally went on for two months. It became like a will they or won't they with you? Will she or will she not? It was hot. No, I mean, you and the publicist were like, there's some tension here. Is she going to do the show or is she not? It's hot. It turned into a long thing where it was like, oh.

Oh, we don't know if she can do it. Okay, now she can. We don't know if she can do it. And then finally, like, it turned into one of those things where it was like, tell you what, she can give you a half hour on this day. And I was like, what? A half hour? This doesn't sound like Gillian. So I just wrote to Gillian and said, hey, man, do you want to do Comedy Bang Bang? And she was like, oh, no one's talked to me about it.

So she was like, of course. Yeah, let's just do it. Here comes coo with the food. Here comes coo with the food. Here comes coo with the food. Here comes coo with the food. Is she going to go down the slide? Oh, yeah, I hope so. Into the pool. She sort of disappears. Where'd she go? I don't know, but I want that cooed with the food. Cooed with the food, dude. In any case, uh, uh,

This is the person representing the movie, by the way. Yes. But the funny part was the publicist wanted to be on the Zoom while we were doing the show. They thought they did. Probably immediately regretted it. I think a lot of times the publicist will reach out knowing the show is popular and not know what the show is. Yeah.

So they don't know how stupid it is or how sarcastic we are when we're actually talking to a celebrity, especially someone we know well. So anyway, listen to that interview again, realizing that the publicist for the movie is on the whole time. And it'll be twice as funny to you. In any case, so Gillian talks about her movie. And then we are going to hear...

Paul F. Tompkins playing a character, Alimony Tony. Paul F. Tompkins, Paul F. Tompkins. Paul F. Tompkins. Paul F. Tompkins, Paul F. Tompkins. Paul F. Tompkins, Paul F. Tompkins. Do you want to... Paul F. Tompkins. Thank you, Coup, for the Foo. Thank you, Coup, for Foo.

Do you want to tell us about Alimony Tony before we hear this clip? Alimony Tony, of course. A character based on the name of a person who submitted a catchphrase one time. Yes. A person's name. You hear me say those catchphrases at the beginning of the episode. A person, their screen name was Alimony Tony. And I read it and you laughed so hard.

That you decided to play him in the moment. Yes, the idea that it was somebody's nickname because they were known for playing Alamodee. And they loved it. And they loved it! And so I've done Alamodee a few times. It's a fun, it's a really fun character. And, you know, when we were talking before the show about what characters we were going to do...

I ran up by Gilly and I said, I know that we have a history of you want to marry characters that I do. Gillion has been on the show for several years. She plays like a gold digger character. It's ridiculous. Yes. It's been really fun. And it's a several year long saga that has gone on where she's married several of your characters. Yes. And so you asked if she was tired of doing that. And no, she was not. Yeah, she wasn't. So I was like, I didn't because I didn't want to.

I didn't want to put her in that position if she didn't want to do it. She's like, no, let's do it. Yeah. And she's great at it, which is good. It's always great to have her on the show. Yes. She's terrific. I miss her. I haven't seen her in such a long time. I saw her. She came to a Ferns screening. That was the last time I saw her, I believe. Oh, nice. But we're going to hear you and her as Alimony Tony. We're both as Alimony Tony. Yes. It's like a Transformers thing. Yeah.

And then Carl Tartt comes in as Colonel Sanders. I forgot! No, wait! I thought he was Orville Redenbacher. Sorry! Yes, he's Orville Redenbacher. Was he Colonel Sanders at a certain point? Why did I think that? He might have been. They're very similar. Southern gentlemen who have businesses. Why don't they have comedians playing Orville Redenbacher? He was a real person who died, too. That's right. Like, what the fuck? Just steal that idea. These are people who died, died.

That'd be funny if someone remade that song all about the characters that have all died. Advertising people. Oh. And how they died. Let's hear it. This is Popcorn World. This is episode number eight. Number eight. He's been on the show many times. He's one of our favorites. Please welcome back to the show, Alimony Tony. So.

Scott, what a pleasure to see you again. Thank you for having me. It's me, Alimony Tony. It certainly is you, Alimony Tony. Welcome back to the show. Thank you very much. And yes, I was overhearing your introduction because I had to know when to appear. So I can confirm that I am independently wealthy. Of course, my mother invented gaseous paper. Oh, that's right. What? Oh, hello. Hello.

Hello. My name is Alimony Tony. Yeah, sorry. Let me introduce you guys. This is Gillian Jacobs. She's an actress and a director and an artist. And this is Alimony Tony, who's a independently wealthy divorced person. My goodness, my goodness. Wait, I've heard that catchphrase before. Oh, you're Gillian Jacobs, of course.

You know, now that I think about it, Gillian, the last few times that you've been on the show, you haven't been on it a little bit, but we performed your wedding. Has it been a while? It has. It has been a while. Tony, comma, alimony. What a funny little joke. What a coquettish little laugh that was. But we...

Actually, romance bloomed on some of your previous episodes. I believe we performed your at least one wedding of yours. No, I've been married on the show. Oh, you're not speaking to me. No, I'm speaking. No, I've been married on the show. Yes. Yeah. Who were you married to? You were married to. It's really sad. I was married to a wonderful man named Gary Marshall. Gary Marshall, creator of Happy Days, Leverton Shirley, director of Valentine's Day. Yes.

Yes, that's right. He used to be lost in America. I don't know about the star. Beloved American cultural icon, Gary Marshall. And yes, that's right. You got married to him on this show. I did. I really loved him a lot. Yeah.

And a lot of terrible things happened along the way. I think I was sent to another dimension. Maybe he was sent to another dimension. Another dimension. I think portals in space and time opened up.

Um, people tried to come between us, but we really, we had a love that was more than a love. I and my Gary Marshall. That's a wonderful story. Well, he is. Yeah. Scott, I want to say stuff. I'm a real romantic as well. And, uh, and to hear that story, although I am divorced several times over, I am a romantic at heart. And to hear such a romantic story, certainly, uh, that's, that's right up my alley. Let me tell you. May I ask, can I go back? Um,

Tony, if I may. Please, call me Alimony Tony. Oh, thank you. Alimony Tony, what was the type of paper your mother invented? Gaseous paper. What is gaseous? You've heard of liquid paper, right? Yes, liquid paper invented by Mike Nesmith's mother. And gaseous paper is the same as liquid paper, only it's a gas. Ooh, exciting. So, like, you could write on a fart, perhaps? Yeah.

No, you have to write on gaseous paper. Wait, I thought liquid paper was applied to regular paper in order to correct mistakes. That's correct. Gaseous paper, you need to write on the gaseous paper itself? You need to write on the gaseous paper. How does it work, actually? We've never talked about it. So if you make a mistake— It's so dry and dull. I don't think anyone will say anything about the inner workings of gaseous paper.

This is, and what's its primary use? I mean, has it been successful, this invention? It's been very successful. It enabled my family to become trillionaires. Trillionaires, you say? Trillionaire with a T, that's right. Wow, and current net worth, just for a ballpark estimate. Oh, it's not, I know that sounds like a staggering number, but it's only two trillion. Only two? And that's your personal or the company's?

That's my personal. That's your personal? That's the family's money, yes. And does the family still own a majority of the company? Oh, yes, we do. We own 100%. Oh, you own 100%? Yes. Publicly traded? Yes. All the profits go to us.

We are a very wealthy family. And really, it's just down to, I mean, I don't have any kids. All of my relatives, what few there were, have passed on. Siblings? No siblings. I grew up an only child. But I'm a generous person. So did I. Did you really? It's fun, isn't it? It's one of many things I feel we have in common.

We do. OK, well, that's one thing. I wasn't aware of the other things. Yeah, what are the other things, Kelly? We're on this call together. That's true. I mean, when you're right, you're right. All right, go on. Alimony Tony, why is your company publicly traded if you own 100 percent of it? Well, because I'm a member of the public. And I just wanted to clarify that. So Alimony Tony, you are a member of the Four Comma Club.

Yes, that's correct. That's correct. The precious few of us. But again, it's not as much – my total net worth is not as much as it sounds. You hear the word trillion and you think, oh my god, that's so much money. It's impossible to imagine. There's only $2 trillion.

And that's mainly because there used to be more, but you've given a lot of it away. Isn't that right? Well, I mean, I'm always making money, but I'm also always giving money away because, as I've told you before, Scott, I've been married and divorced many times. And the thing is—

Love paying alimony. I always marry for love. I always think it's going to last. So far it hasn't. But there's something about paying the alimony that I just adore. It really, it's my favorite thing to do. And can I ask you your feelings on pre and post-nuptial agreements?

I've never signed a post-nup. Never signed a pre-nup. Never signed a post-nup. Unless my canon contradicts that. But I do believe in going in with faith, hope, and love. And then coming out of it with just a stone-cold financial arrangement. Just a lot less money.

Well, I mean, a lot less money for some people. Obviously, for me, it's a drop in the bucket. But yes, it is. The alimony payments are substantial and not just as a whole, but individually. And is there a way to stop those? There is, unfortunately—

I suppose if your ex-wife got married again, remarried. Which has happened on occasion. I have said, look, I'm so glad you're happy. You moved on. You found someone else. Please let me continue paying you alimony. Please. And they've always been nice about it and said, no, I'm sorry. I will not allow you. No, no. They've all said yes. There was only one gal that wouldn't divorce.

Are you crying? Don't cry. That I never got to pay alimony to. I was sorry. I get emotional when I think about it. I never got to pay alimony to her because she died before we could be divorced. Of course, for me, that's the one that got away. I'm so sorry. But they don't call you widower, Tony. No, I was just widower the one time. The rest of the time, divorced. One time. What's the fastest you've ever gotten married, like from date of meeting the person to nuptials? Same date. Same date.

Same day, same day. So that's a matter of hours. Scott, how, what's your, uh, yeah, no, I was going to say not interested. Uh, easily Googleable. Is there a T in there? Uh, net worth. Yes.

There's two. No, no, no, no. I meant trillionaire. I do apologize. You're so clever, though. That's what I like so much about you, how clever you are. You're clever as well. That's another thing we haven't covered. You wish her the best, right, Alimony Tommy? Of course I do. Gillian's been a widow for a few years. I believe you were married to Alan Thicke as well. So a two-time widow, I believe. I don't know what it's like. So you wish her the best, right? I wish you the best. I wish you the best. You know,

The best way to wish someone... Oh, go ahead. I was going to say, could you just send me a little check? What do you mean? Well, I have a proposition for you. All right. We don't get a lot of propositions on this show. I can't wait to vote on this prop.

This is prop my heart. Care to get married or skip the marriage and just you could start sending me checks. Oh, my goodness. Oh, I love how forward that is. I wish...

I wish I were attracted to you, but I just... Yes, I mean... It's just one of those things, huh? Gillian, here's the thing. There's something... You are checking a lot of boxes for me. Let me tell you something. And usually by this time, I'd be asking you to get married and we'd be talking about what if we ever got divorced, how much money you would want in alimony. And then I would write it up around a piece of paper and I would slide it over to you and I would say, I'm going to make this offer of alimony. But...

Yes, I don't know. I just, I'm getting more of a friend vibe. I don't, I don't know. What is it? Is it her personality? Is it her looks? No, great personality. I think she's a doll. Uh,

I don't know. It's just that indefinable thing. It's not clicking for me in a way that it very often does. She's very friendly, and one can get a friend vibe from that type of person. Well, every woman I've married has been my best friend. Well, I'll counterpoint you. Every woman you've married you thought you were in love with, and it's always ended in divorce. Well, I was in love with them. It just didn't work out.

Yes. So why don't you try marrying someone you're not in love with and maybe it'll last longer? This is an interesting theory. You could also take a picture. It would last longer. That's true. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of if I was in love with someone and it didn't work out, if I...

married someone I wasn't in love with at all, would it last longer? Here's what I anticipate the issue would be. Go ahead, Scott. You would marry someone not for love, and then if it didn't work out, you wouldn't be so inclined to pay the alimony.

I would think there would be a bitter contentious divorce. First time I'd have a bitter contentious divorce, which is an experience I've never had, but does sound exciting. It is on my bucket list to have a contentious divorce. I

I can provide you with that experience 100%. Well, Alimony Tony, we want to get to your answer, but I'm wondering, should we hold on to it for a little while? I mean, it's so... Let's, because I...

I need some more time with him. It's, yeah, maybe love will blossom over the next bit of the show. Perhaps it will. Hold your tongue, sir. It's curious because it seemed like the idea we were heading towards was me not being in love and marrying to see if that changes anything. Sure.

But now you're saying, Scott, perhaps let's hold on and see if I do follow up. Yeah, let's hold on to the end. But we do have to get to our next guest. He is – I mentioned it before. He's an entrepreneur, and it's a rare tweet – a rare tweet and a rare treat when we have an entrepreneur on the show. He is –

Well, he has a company that bears his name on it. Please welcome, for the first time in the show, Orville Redenbacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for having me, Scott. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's money around here. I smell it. Alamode, Tony. Gilly and Jacobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scott Alkerman. It's money around here. What a

What a charming laugh. I love that laugh. Oh, charming. Orville Redenbacher, it's such a treat to have you on the show. I mean, you are, of course, the owner and proprietor of Orville Redenbacher Popcorn. Absolutely, Scott. And I'll tell you, boy, since this pandemic been happening, Scott, we've been going through the roof. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Meaning sales or you've been going through your own roof trying to clear out your attic or I mean, a lot of people, a lot of downtime during the pandemic. Both things, Scott. You see, my house is full of asbestos. So we have to clear out the attic, but also popcorn sales are through the roof. I'm swimming in it, boy. Yeah. Congratulations. I mean, yeah, I guess there's nothing else to do other than just, you know, lie around watching TV.

Everybody's sitting at home, Scott, watching Netflix, watching Hulu, watching Vivo, the music video. Tubi. Watching Tubi. Watching YouTube. Checking out Quibbies. Watching YouTube TV. Sure. Everything, Scott. You're really into streaming platforms, aren't you? Everybody at home watching Peacock.

Everybody at home watches CBS All Access. Of course. And you know what they love when they watch a CBS All Access. Oh, I know. Star Trek. Disco? Very. Star Trek and popcorn. Yes. Yeah.

Orville, or should I call you Mr. Redenbacher? You can call me Oville, Scott. Oville. Mr. Redenbacher. Your pictures on all of the jars of your popcorn and the bags of your popcorn, you are – I'm not telling a secret when I say you're an elderly octogenarian –

from the South. Is that right? Scott, don't tell them that. They may not know. Don't tell them that. But you are. How old are you? Right now? Sure. I'm 113 years old, Scott. And how old did you used to be? How old I used to be? I used to be 112, 111, 110, 109. Sure, all the way down. 108, 107. Did you ever skip a year? Never skipped a year, Scott. I hit every year. Oh. Congratulations. I hit every year in the book, Scott.

Yeah. A lot of people wish that we could have skipped this year. But I mean, this year has been well, the rich get richer during the pandemic. I mean, you you you are a wealthy popcorn magnet. Absolutely. I'm a wealthy popcorn magnate. And we're making money during a pandemic because everybody's sitting at home watching cable spectrum.

They all at home watching Cox. They all at home watching DirecTV. They all at home watching Verizon Fiber Optics. AT&T Fiber Optics. Oh, Scott. And they all eating popcorn.

You know, I was just thinking, Orville Redenbacher, you are an elderly rich man who may perish soon. I just wanted to point that out. It was an interesting fact that just popped in my head. It's rude to talk about somebody's mortality. Sorry. I just wanted to bring it up. What would Orville's wife think if he heard you say that? My wife died 71 years ago. 71? 71.

My word. Never remarried. And why is that? May I ask your opinion as as a wealthy businessman? How would you go about seducing a wealthy businessman? Yeah. If one were to seduce you, Orville, I know you haven't been married in 70 some odd years. And maybe that's for a reason. Maybe no one has seduced you properly. What would you want to have happen from a partner?

Hmm. That's a great question. What would you want to have happen from a partner? Yeah. That's a great question. All right. Let me think about it. Okay. You're wrinkled to this voice. That seems like a loophole. This ain't a great question. That's a great question. I feel like I want a woman to come up to me and say, ain't you that popcorn man from the popcorn bottles? And I'll say, yeah. Popcorn bottles.

And she just grabbed my nuts and started swinging me around. Started swinging you around? Yeah, I'm not the biggest man. Very slender. I'm not getting a sense of how tall you are, though, on this Zoom. What are you, three feet tall or something? I'm three foot six. Three six. 64 pounds. If you're an inch tall.

You don't get a sense of that on your bottles. You know, it's just a headshot. I didn't realize the bottles were life size. I don't want nobody to see my body. You're ashamed of it. But you want someone who's into your height, who's going to pick you up by the testicles and swing you around. That's right, Scott. And is that what your dear departed wife did when she met you? Every morning. Every morning? Every morning before she had a coffee and a popcorn cereal.

She had popcorn cereal. Popcorn is very cereal-like if you think about it. It truly is. I can understand how it would look. It would look normal if you poured milk on it. So I can imagine that there hasn't been another woman to do that because it's an odd thing to do upon your first meeting of someone. But were that to occur –

What would you do? Would you just marry that person right away? A curse spelled O-C-K-E-R. That's right. Thank you. If that were to happen again, if somebody randomly walked up to me and said, I ain't you the popcorn man. That's an important part of it, by the way, saying ain't you the popcorn man. You got to say that. Ain't you the man for the popcorn bottle? Ain't you the man for the popcorn bottle? And then she grabs my nuts and swangs me around. She can have my whole fortune.

Wow. All five commas. Five commas. Wow. Now, how will that happen in this time of distancing? How are you supposed to meet someone who's going to grab your nuts and swing you around? You got to go to Florida, somewhere where they're not taking it seriously. Right. Makes sense. Georgia. And if a woman were not to do that, no sale? No sale. No dice. No card. Hmm. Well...

An interesting conundrum here for our main guest, Gillian Jacobs of Compré. Oh, what are the rankings? What are the guest rankings? Okay, so Gillian's the main guest. Yes. And where do I fall? By the vice guest? You're vice president, yes, of course. And we have treasurer guest over here is Orville Redenbacher. Oh, that's me? I thought I was guest-a-terrier of education. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Gillian likes it. You know, can I talk to Gillian for a second without you guys listening? Sure. When you come back, I think it's important that we designate a designated survivor in case something happens to one of us. Gillian. What? You got two guys on the hook here. How am I supposed to grab his body part and swing him around? We're on Zoom.

I mean... He said that's the only way to his heart. I don't know what I can do here. Yeah, you're a little... I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be here. What are you doing here? I'm more mad at you now. I want to help. I want to help. Do you remember the early days of Facebook? You could poke people.

Maybe there's a virtual grab and swing you can do. Just look at the Zoom settings. Maybe in the chat or something like that. Maybe you could describe you doing it and that's virtually you doing it. I'm going to go back over there with Orville. Thank you, Alimony Tony. She's still mad at you, by the way. I know. I'm sorry to butt in over here. Orville, you're listening too? But I just wanted to know if any of y'all like a cup of kernels of popcorn?

Yes, please. Can you leave them in the chat for us? Absolutely. And that's just exactly like the real thing, right? If someone were to do something in a chat, it's exactly like doing it in real life. You could print it out, ball it up and eat it. Oh, don't forget salt. Okay. Thank you. Scott, all I see is invite, mute me and raise hand. Maybe I should just hit all three at once. All three at once might do it. Yeah. Okay. You want to do it? Okay, here we go. Ready? And here we go.

Oh, my nuts. You forgot the first half, Gilly. Make sure you say it. You're the man for the popcorn.

Okay, I'll hit the space bar. Let him go. Yeah, hit him off. Space bar. That's the end of that lamp. Number eight. Oh, good stuff. Good stuff. Paul, funny stuff. Alimony Tony. He's a nice guy, right? He's one of your nice characters. He's one of my nice characters. Not one of your mean, cantankerous characters who are contemptuous of me. I have... Aren't you contemptuous of all people? No.

Wait. Don't throw this back in my face. Now, Scott, to be fair, aren't you contemptuous of all human beings on planet Earth? All right. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have episode seven. We're getting so low. So low. How's our story? There you go. All right. We'll be right back.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. This is Best of 2020 Part 3. I'll say it is. And we only have seven more episodes to go on this and Thursday's episode. But I'm having so much fun that I don't want to

I don't want it to end. I know. Let's just listen to every episode again. This is what happens. In full. This is what happens in full. Scott and I, we get together. We do this. We have a great time. Now we're outside. We're on the patio. Look, it doesn't get better than this. This is how we should always have been doing it. Yes. And how we always will do it from now on. Maybe. Who knows? Right? It kind of makes me wonder if I... Sometimes I wonder.

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child. What song am I doing there? Sometimes I wonder. It's a rap song. Da-da-da's. Da-da-da's. Da-da-da's. Da-da-da's.

It's my do-do-do in the DDDs? Hey, check out DDDs. Oh, nuts, nuts, nuts. Speaking of nuts, where does this grow? Would have been a great time for him to show up. Yep. Doze nuts? What about D's nuts? Doze nuts.

Should there be a donut chain that's like Deez Nuts Donuts? I don't know. I think it should be called Doze Nuts. There is a What's Up Hot Dog Emporium in Canada. That's weird. Based on me saying the catchphrase. That's even weirder. There is Whataburger. And I think there's a hot sauce from in Hot Dog. I've never been in there. I've always wanted, anytime we're in, I believe it's Vancouver, anytime we're there. What? In and out so quickly. In Vancouver? I was just there. I wanna.

Right before the quarantine. Right before the quarantine. I would have gone to What's Up Hot Dog. You got COVID there. I got COVID. That's where I got COVID. That's where I got the idea for COVID. That's right. I remember I was sitting there. And you know my story with Scott is two rooms. He comes up with the music. I come up with the diseases. Disease nuts. Disease nuts. Disease. Shouldn't there be a chain of hospitals called disease nuts? Disease nuts. Hey, I heard you got that disease. Disease nuts. Disease nuts.

Okay. That should be the response to the regular T-shirts. Yeah, to all of them. Hey, you won. Won what? What T-shirt contest, motherfucker? Okay. Those are your last words. Okay. As you die of multiple gunshots. Where's my trophy?

Well, speaking of trophies, this coming up episode is going to win the trophy for the seventh most popular or best, who knows which it is, episode of the year. This is episode number seven. Number seven. All righty. Number 11. 11, lucky number 11. That's when we do the recording.

Yeah. Seven has to be Slevin. Okay, we'll do Slevin. And we'll do Sle-levin. Sle-levin and Slurp Team. Slurp Team. Okay, good. This is getting very complicated already. I didn't even remember we were doing it. Luckily, we recorded it.

So we'll always have this for reference. All right. Yeah. We always listen to these back and remember everything we're talking about. Well, it's other people. The one time we ever did was Don't Joke About iRobot. Yeah. Why did we listen back to it? We didn't listen back to it. We just somehow remembered it. I don't know how. We made a dear promise to each other. That's right. Well, we haven't made a dear promise about recording this song. No, we haven't. That's true. It's just a regular. That's why it hasn't gotten done. Yeah. We have to make those dear promises.

All right, this is number seven. This is episode number 653. Still in the 600s. Yeah, weird. And this is May 4th. May it be with you. That's right, Star Wars Day. Now, does this give you any clue as to what episode this could be? Because it's the beginning of May. Yes, this is The Empire Strikes Back. No, the beginning of May is when I started doing the show, my dear boy.

So it's an Anniversario show. That's right. It is the 11th anniversary show. Oh, happy anniversary. Happy anniversary to us. Let me tell you about who is in this show. A man named Jed. A man named Jed. A boy named Sue. This is Jason Manzoukas. We have John Gabrus. Sorry, the girl with the dragon tattoo. Go ahead. Girl with the dragon tattoo. Okay.

Lily Sullivan. Yeah. Lily Sullivan's so funny. We can finally talk about her. I want to shout her out. Carl Tartt, Ego Wotum, and a man named Paul F. Tompkins. That's me, baby. All these people and more. Now, okay, so let's talk about the anniversary shows in the past and the one that we did this year. So normally for the anniversary show and the Christmas show, it's just a big I invite everyone

A bunch of people, and it's a big clusterfuck. It's a clusterfrick. And it's a cluster situation normal, all fouled up. And... Cluster snafu. Yeah, I got it, I got it. And so...

So this was in May. So as previously established, I started quarantining May 17th. March 17th. Sorry, March 17th. I waited to see how it was going. Do I want to do this? I was going into empty stores. So if you all remember in those early days,

I mean, back in January and February, there were a lot of conflicting reports about how serious it was. Now, Jason Manzoukas, to his credit, was saying it was deadly serious the entire time. Because he's a man who can be killed by eggs. Yes. He's afraid of eggs. Anyone can be killed by an egg if you throw it hard enough. He's afraid of an egg. 200 miles an hour. He's a coward. He's afraid of an egg.

So to his credit, he was out there saying like, oh, no, no, no. We're all like, we're going to not leave our houses for a year at least. And I was like, yeah, sure, Jason. Wow. Sure. This is back in February, right? And then I'll also say that I was talking to Zach Galifianakis back in February about how— This is when you were on your Greek streak. You were only talking to Greek people. It was Greek week. I was—

I was talking to him about the trip that Kulop and I were supposed to take in May to Italy. And this is when everything was going down in Italy. And I was like, hey, yeah, we're supposed to be there in May. I think it might be OK. And Zach was like, you ain't going to Italy. And so all these people were right. But, you know, we didn't really know what was going on. So it's like they were oracles in a sense. Yeah.

So when the quarantine happened, I had about, I think, a month or six weeks of episodes in the can. And so I was kind of, at the beginning of it, I was thinking like, instead of rushing and trying to record a bunch of episodes, which I should have done back in January, February, I had about four weeks. I was like four or five or six weeks lead time. I thought, that'll probably get me through until we can go back into the studio.

And I was very wrong about that. So pretty early into, I think, April, we had to do our first Zoom show, first show over Zoom. And it's been a process. It has certainly been a challenge. I said we would talk about it later, so here we are talking about it. Fair. The...

Now, the shows that are easier to do on Zoom are the shows like the Talking Head show that I do with Adam Scott or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle show with Sean Diston where it's just like two of us, maybe three people talking over a Zoom. Because the challenges are everyone has different internet speeds. Everyone has different mic qualities. Yeah.

And these were all like felt insurmountable at the beginning of quarantine. And I would get episodes back, first of all, just performing on the episodes, but

You'd be making a joke, and because of the nature of Zoom, where only the loudest person is highlighted and everyone else drops out, you can't hear what other people are saying. And people would react at different times to something that was being said. It was all just so straight. And then every time I would get an episode back...

it would sometimes be not synced up. So everything would be two seconds off, you know? And so these were all challenges that we were trying to work through. And the team of engineers and Kevin, our producer, were really working overtime. And Kevin. And the rest. We're all really, we were all like an episode that where I used to go in and record it for an hour and a half, two hours, and then leave and not think about it again.

We were having to take all week to put together and perfect and try to make it good. Right. And so I really want to highlight and thank all of the producers there at Earwolf who not only sent me a bunch of equipment so I could do this at home over Zoom with people and keep the show going, but also we worked out a process where

that works now, I feel like. And I feel like the episodes, we're up to speed now. I felt like at the time, these episodes were...

um very awkward and i remember telling you and lauren uh at one point that i was in my office screaming when i got when i got an episode back like right before it was supposed to go up and everything was three seconds off wow no i don't remember that i remember just i texted you guys like i am so frustrated right now with the show now i remember this um

But we worked it all out. Everything is in a good place now. But this was the first one of, you know, the quarantine happened six weeks before the anniversary show. And I was praying we could get back into the studio for the anniversary show and do a real typical, like, everyone's invited type show. And so we weren't able to do that.

We had less participants than we normally did. It's just Jason, yourself, John Gabrus, Lily Sullivan, Carl Tartan, Ego Wodum. But this still was so funny that it ended up as the top seven episode. Yeah, even though it didn't have a ton of people, it still ended up being funny. Yeah.

Message received. No, I guess I mean... Even with the B team, it managed to be okay. We were working out the logistics of it, and I just remember it being a very frustrating period for the show and me going, I don't know, do we even try to do an anniversary show this year? And I said, okay, let's do it, but with less people. And it turned out really great. So thank you for being a part of it, and thanks to the engineer team for

And Kevin. And July. I'll throw July in there. Hey, July, thank you. Hey, thanks, bro. So let's talk about the episode. So Jason Manzoukas is at the top. Then we talk to you as Brock Lovett. Oh, right. Who is the treasure hunter. Treasure hunter Brock Lovett. To the stars, I believe I mentioned. Yeah.

So we'll talk to you in that clip. And then Intern Gino comes in. And then the second clip is all of us talking to Lily, who plays Francesco Bolognese. Okay.

who asked to be introduced as a social media expert. And this is really funny. And go ahead now, say whatever you want about Lily because this is the time to talk about Lily. Lily is so funny. I just want to shout her out. I want to welcome her to the countdown. She really makes me laugh and I've really enjoyed hearing her more and more on Comedy Bang Bang. Do you call her a moron?

Yeah, I love hearing this moron on Company Bang Bang. She doesn't know how funny she is. She's an idiot. She's a fucking moron. This broad. She can't tie her shoes, but oh, she makes me laugh. She's great. We first, well, personally, I first got to know her because, and this is not a secret, I think, but at the time she was dating Tim Baltz, who we all knew. As of this recording, they are still dating.

A couple. They're still, well, they're no longer dating. It's true. They are still a couple, though, because now- Sorry to report, they are engaged. They're engaged. That's right. So I got to know her personally, but had never seen her work, and then had her on the show, and she's just been one of the great success stories the past couple years on Comedy Bang Bang. You'll love to see her. So funny on every episode. Do you think we'll be invited to that Zoom wedding? You think they'll do a Zoom? Or do you think they'll wait? I don't know. I don't want to wait. Now that there's vaccine, it's-

I hope we will. I hope that because I would love for them to get married before our eyes and the eyes of God. I think we've been key figures in their lives. I think so. I mean, we're almost responsible for them being together. I would say that the money that we paid them...

Or we paid Tim to be on bajillion dollar properties. Made him not seem like a broke-ass loser. And the money you paid Lily to stay off of bajillion dollar properties. Yes. Yeah, that was even more. She was always trying to get in there on camera. Oh, she's wily.

All right, let's hear these clips. This is your episode number seven. Number seven. He's been on the show many times. He's a hunter, and in fact, he is a treasure hunter. Please welcome back to the show Brock Lovett. Hello, Brock.

Scott, can you hear me? Do you read me? I do read you. I do hear you as well. I just want to make sure we have a good connection so you can hear me okay. We have a great connection. Jason, you can hear Brock? I can. Brock, it's an absolute pleasure to meet you. I'm having brats right now. That's kind of a coincidence. Where are you transmitting from? I can't quite tell. I'm kind of embarrassed to say. I'll swing the camera around so you can see.

I'm on David Geffen's yacht. Oh, wow. Oh, that is beautiful. Look at that sunset. That is decadent. It's a great yacht. And, you know, I feel bad because I know that, you know, people got mad at him because he was, you know, Instagramming about being on his yacht. And it just seemed kind of gross. But, you know me, I love the ocean. That's where all the treasure is. I love wet treasure. Of course.

The wetter, the better. Is that still your tattoo, Scott? The one you say you'll always get? Inspired by Brock, of course. No one seems to get it. Hey, Jace. How are you? Pretty good, bro. Pretty good. I like your red shirt. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Pretty cool. You ought to stick with that. Brock, I have to ask, did you get onto David Geffen's yacht after he Instagrammed it because you were tempted or have you been on there since the beginning?

Okay, this is where it gets tricky. Someone call Run DMC. Why? Well, they'd be very interested as tricky things are their bailiwick. I've got Daryl's number. Let me call him. Okay. Jam Master Jay, unfortunately, no longer with us. He's already passed away. But Run and DMC, Rev Run, of course. Rev and Run, yeah. Daryl McDaniels. That's right. That's all of them. We did it. It's McDaniels, not McDonald's.

Okay. Do you say that any time you encounter... Well, the rhymes are Daryl's, but the burgers are Ronald's. What?

I'm sorry, Brock. Are you in a Run DMC cover group? Like, what's happening? We're sponsored by Run DMC. I'm sorry. But Brock, I know you've... You're sponsored by Run DMC. Is this comedy bang bang episode brought to you by Run DMC? It was by Run DMC. That's interesting. Be it Tougher Than Leather, Raising Hell, whatever you're into, Run DMC can cover it. Sponsored by nostalgia.

But Brock, I know that you've been under the ocean for too many years, really, to have too much of a familiarity with Run DMC. So those were lyrics I was quoting. No, I've heard of Run DMC. I just don't know. The McDonald's thing confused me, I guess. I'm not as familiar with their lyrics, but I know who they are. I didn't live under the ocean. Brock, can I ask you a question? Of course you can.

Is now, and perhaps this is even why you're on David Geffen's yacht, now that everything is kind of quiet and everything is shut down, is now a particularly good time to hunt for treasure because there aren't other competitors? Well, that's kind of what I thought, and I'll come clean. I stowed away on David's yacht. Oh, stow away.

I thought, this guy, if I know anything about rich people who have big boats, they're cowards. And they have these things, they have these big extravagances where they can wait out natural disasters. And so that's what I'm going to do, stow away on his yacht. I'm pretty proud of myself. I called it. But I really thought, okay, here's what I'll do. I'll hide during the day, and then I'll hunt for treasure at night.

It seems like night, isn't it darker under the sea at night? Or is it, I really don't know. Is it exactly as dark? I would assume that if it's dark above water, it's daytime underwater. Yeah, is that true? Listen, under the sea, it's very dark there. There's rotten bark there under the sea. Now, I don't know what that is. I'm too busy listening to Run DMC.

I'm just explaining under the sea to you. Oh, okay. Yes, it is darker, but I have state-of-the-art equipment. I have a suit that I can put on where I can essentially just dive solo by myself down under the depths and search for treasure. Obviously, I can't go down to the sea floor, but I knew this guy wasn't going to go that far out there.

You're not going out into the deep, deep ocean where it's like the pressure would become too powerful. That's right, Jason. You're in more kind of like where I'm sure David Geffen would prefer to go, beautiful locales and so forth. Yeah. Everything's blue there, nothing to do there, under the sea. Sure. And so what happened was –

You know, the suit has lights on it to enable me to find treasure. Of course, it makes everything very scary because all of a sudden a fish will swim in front of your light and you get freaked out. This is like a suit sort of like the electric horseman. It has lights all over it. That is exactly my inspiration for this suit. It essentially, I look like a Christmas tree because the lights are colored and they blink on and off. It's also, that helps me

I thought it would help ward away predators, you know, because you got to figure any like a barracuda, a shark, whatever. We'll see that and say, this is out of my frame of reference. No, thanks. This is out of my jurisdiction, but there's, it's not my bailiwick, but there's a lot of, uh, smaller fish. They love flashing lights because they think, oh, that's gotta be something smaller than me that I can eat. Okay. So this has been a problem.

I'm covered with tiny fish. Sometimes it makes it harder to see the treasure. Like a what? Some sort of fish rave where you attract the lights and they just think it's a party. Yeah. And I'm feeding them ecstasy. Oh, wow. Okay. I'm feeding these little fish. So you're just underwater at night just rolling hard with fish. No, I'm not. Look, I don't partake, but...

I figure I'll give these fish an experience they've never had before. Hang on, Brock. Are you selling them ecstasy? Are you an underwater dealer? Well, this is ridiculous. What money would they have to give me? Clams. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Are you kidding? The currency of the sea.

Okay. You're not going to go with sand dollars? No, I'm not. They're so fragile. You're talking to the guy who wrote Shark Tale, all right? You're going to go back to Flintstones with clams? Brock, are you following a treasure map or are you just freestyling? Like, are you the kind of guy that's like- A lot like Run DMC did. It's a little of both because, you know, a lot of times I'll have a map and then sometimes that'll turn out to be, you know, someone swindled me.

Here's one word of advice for future treasure hunters. If somebody wrote it on a napkin, don't buy it. It's probably a fake.

Any other like treasure hunter rules like that? Here's what you want to look for. You want to look for old cracked parchment. You want to look for words spelled with unnecessary ease. Anytime there's a dragon, absolutely. That's probably the genuine article.

I would think that that right now there aren't a lot of treasure hunters out there. But at the same time, there aren't a lot of people leaving treasures. So it's like, you know, if you're a treasure hunter, I would think there'd be like a take a treasure, leave a treasure sort of policy. How much active how much active treasure leaving do you think is happening in present time? Isn't the point of treasure hunting like you're thinking you're looking for like ships that, you know, crashed 200 years ago or sank 200 years ago or whatever?

That's a good point, Chase. Let me explain what treasure is because I don't think we've ever defined it on the show. Oh, wow. This is big. Okay. Here we go. First of all, if you leave it on purpose, that's not treasure. Do you know what I mean? I'm sorry. That's like geo hunting. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. But in the book that has treasure in its very title, Treasure Island...

Are they not trying to find the treasure that a pirate left there in order to like safely key? It was like underground was the banks during treasure time. Yeah, but they leave it there for people to find. That's my, that's my, the distinction I'm making.

You're saying take a treasure, leave a treasure. I'm taking issue with you and your words. So you're using my words against me? That's exactly what I'm doing. You didn't even see that coming. If you go into the 7-Eleven and they have a take a penny, leave a penny, and you see the penny in there, you don't say, I found a penny.

What a treasure. I certainly do. By the way, I take that penny and then I put it right back so I can leave it. So you think it's take this penny and leave the same penny? Yeah, isn't it? So treasure by its nature is something you are taking from someone else who is either dead or not around. Ha ha ha ha.

What is the distinction you make, Brock? When does treasure become someone else's property? Like if Scott and Kulop were to leave the house and not be around, is their house full of treasure? Is their house flooded? This is an important detail. And then we get back to it has to be wet in order to be considered treasure. If it's underwater, it's treasure.

Oh, you know what's going to, Brock, you know what? I have a huge update for you. Global warming-wise, because the coasts are going to flood, because water levels are going to rise so high. Hey, man, let me stop you right there. This isn't news to me.

There's going to be so much underwater treasure. Yeah, I've heard. You don't think I think about this all the time? Like all of coastal United States is going to be just underwater. Full of treasure and the corpses of the people that weren't able to get out in time. This is all I'm thinking about all morning.

the time. That's another reason why I stowed away in David Giffen's yacht because I was thinking about it too much. And I said, I got to get back to my roots going underwater, finding treasures left by people who wore plumed hats hundreds of years ago. So I have to ask if someone's house just floods, like they're the, the pipes in their basement break and, and suddenly, uh,

their house floods and they have to leave it and go stay in a hotel. You think that's fair game. We've been over this. If the, if the treasure is just, if you just spill some water in your bathroom and you get a Pearl, a set of Pearl earrings wet, that's not treasure. But if there's six inches of water in your house,

And you have a valuable watch that's in that six inches of water. It might be treasure. That's treasure. It might be treasure. If you have six inches of water in your... That might be treasure. If you turn on a fire hydrant and the water shoots down your chimney into your living room and...

continues to fill your home with water enough to cover a valuable tea coffee table that just might be treasure you might have some treasure this hell then i thought so okay i thought i'd get back to my roots look for treasure in the ocean they're moored off this weird little island right

It's a strange island. There's maybe one human person that lives there. And then the rest is these strange woodland creatures are all wearing clothes. There's like some raccoons. There's a hippopotamus. That are all wearing clothes. They're all wearing little. And here's the thing. They're all the same size as each other. So like the hippopotamus is the size of a raccoon, but the raccoon is the size of a person.

Okay. Are they walking on two legs? Everybody's walking on two legs. Not on four. Do they have structures that they're able to...

Domiciles. Yeah, they have structures. Domiciles. You mean like houses? Yeah, I mean like houses. Yeah, they have houses. Why are we putting on fancy? I don't know. Why are we putting on airs here? Feels like you're trying to trick me. I mean, hey, listen, they might live in apartment buildings. I don't know. I couldn't figure it out because when I tried to talk to anybody, you know, I'd sneak out there and I'd try to talk to anybody. I couldn't understand their language. They had their own language.

What did it sound like? It sounded like... Here's the thing. So I went looking for treasure, right? Because I gathered from the way these creatures were talking that there must be treasure to be had. They seemed very excited about certain things. One time I saw the human dig up a bag of money and I thought, okay, there's treasure here. This was weird. I'd never seen this before. And it goes against my principles as an underwater treasure hunter.

I'd see like a gift tied to a balloon floating in the sky. I'd shoot that down with my trusty slingshot. And then when I'd open it up, it would be like a household item. Wait, so I'm trying to figure out exactly what you're talking about, because at first I thought it was an Island of Dr. Moreau thing. And now then I thought it was an Animal Crossing thing. What's Animal Crossing? Animal Crossing is a, it's a video game that I believe David Geffen might have actually. Why do you believe that?

Because he's rich, and I think... Don't rich people just buy one of everything? You think Animal Crossing is just for the rich? If I were rich, I would buy one of everything that was on Earth. No matter what it was. You just have a guy that just buys you one of everything. So then even within a game system, he buys one of every game. Were you playing...

a video game while you were on this boat at all? Scott, I've never played a video game in my life. What? The first video game I ever saw was Tank Battle on the original Atari, and I thought, this is an instrument of war, and that goes against my principles.

I mean, that's what the movie War Games was basically based on. That's why I wouldn't see it. All I care about is being kind to my fellow human beings and treasure. I never finished that movie because when it said, do you want to play a game? I said, no, thank you. And I turned it off.

You just turned off the movie. I turned off the movie. I was like, I'm here to watch a movie. I'm not here to play a game. Do you think every character in every movie is talking to you and asking you questions? No, no, no. They're interacting with all of the characters, inclusive of myself.

So when Humphrey Bogart says we'll always have Paris and Casablanca, he's including you and Ingrid Bergman. But when he says play it again, Sam, I know he's talking to Sam. Because he only says Sam. He's directing that to Sam. Anytime there's a first person address in a movie and the name is not specified, it could include you. And I'm using the information at hand to decide whether or not I should respond. And I frequently do.

What about when that guy in Annie Hall keeps calling Woody Allen Max? Were you confused by that? Did you think he was talking to you as well? When he keeps calling? No, because my name isn't Max. But Woody Allen's name isn't Max either. Yeah, nobody's name is Max in the movie. In the movie? Yes, in the movie. What do you think we're talking about, the video game?

The movie Annie Hall. Is there an Annie Hall video game? The novelization? The video game of Annie Hall is so... You spend 40 minutes just playing squash with Tony Roberts. That's it. It sounds like a good video game. You play so much squash and tennis in the Annie Hall video game. I couldn't get past the lobster level. Right.

She is a social media expert. That's very exciting. A lot of social media happening right now. A lot of somber videos happening on Instagram with people singing shakily. Perhaps she can talk to us about that. Please welcome to the show Francesca Bolognese. Hi, Scott. Thank you so much for having me here.

It's our pleasure. It's great to meet you, Francesca, albeit not in person. Yeah. So, yeah, my name is Francesca Bolognese. Oh, yeah, I covered that. Yeah, so I'm not a social media expert, but I comment. I get hired by big companies to respond to comments on social media. Well, okay. So you're not an expert in social media?

I mean, I guess I am, but I'm not going to talk about that. Wait, you are an expert in social media? I am, yes. Why not give us tips? Okay, before we get to the other thing, I want to hear tips about social media. No, that's not why I'm here.

Well, I don't care if you're not here for it. Francesca, I'm sorry to interrupt, only because this is the first time we're meeting, and I'm not on any social media. I don't have Facebook or Instagram. So I'm wondering, for me, someone who's not on social media, do you have any tips about social media? Good question. Great question. Thank you, Jason. Okay, no, because that's not why I'm here. Okay.

I know you're not here for it, but we want to hear it. Just give us, and we'll get to your thing. Don't you worry about that. What's TikTok? I don't know. I've never done TikTok. Any TikTok tips?

Two minutes later. TikTok tips. My tip for TikTok is don't go on TikTok. It's a stupid shit. Now, are you saying dick doc? Because that is something very different that I do know about. Yeah, the dick doc. I like it. You put up your dick and then you take a doc.

Wait, I thought it was like... Okay, I think you're talking about two different things. Wait, are you saying... You do tunnels and stuff. Oh, are you talking about the video game Dig Dug? Yeah, is that what we're talking about? Guys, Brock, you are a gamer. No, I'm not. This is not why I'm here. Well, Francesca, it's great to talk to you. Great to talk to you, Francesca. Thanks so much for coming on the show. Because I want...

I want to join social media. Now that I'm quarantined and I have nothing to do, part of me is like, oh, maybe I'll join Instagram and Twitter. Maybe now is my time. I just don't know any tips for how to do it. What about passwords? What are your tips on passwords? Okay. No. Or profile pics.

My tip for password, you take one ex-boyfriend's name, you cut in half. Then you put another ex-boyfriend's name, you cut in half. And then you put your favorite number, exclamation point. 69. 69.

This is great because then you can think about all your exes over and over again. Something tells me that is very truthful in terms of creating a password. Yes. And I would be very interested to try to crack into your computer now using what I know about you, which is nothing. Even though we've just met. But this is not why I'm here. Okay, so what I do is...

Some company like Bed Bath & Beyond. Sure, Triple B. They hire me. Somebody comment on Bed Bath & Beyond Facebook. Do you think the Beyond in Bed Bath & Beyond is the great beyond? I mean, if Eddie Money ever shopped there. That's what I'm asking. It made me think of it. So then, Japanese. Japanese. Yeah. Somebody, let's say Diane. Yeah.

Like Princess Diana? No. She's dead. Princess Diana, I believe, lost on... I think she never had the opportunity to have a Facebook page. That's not what we're talking about. Okay. So then... She was a fucking smoke show, though, right? I guess. Absolute smoke. Barstool would have went apeshit for Princess Di. Okay.

I responded, let's say Diane comments something like "I got my comforter at Bed, Bed and Beyond, I find a bunch of hair in my comforter, I want to send it back." I comment "okay Diane, you want to return the comforter because of the hair? Because of you? A piece of shit? You need to go take your Prius and go drive off a bridge, okay?"

Whoa. Okay. That is what my job is. That's what I'm here to talk about. Who's paying you, Bed Bath & Beyond or Diane's? Companies hire you to troll people who are commenting negatively about them online. Exactly. But I respond under Bed Bath & Beyond account. So let me, I just had a quick specific question about that is, is Bed Bath & Beyond selling comforters that are full of hair?

I'm just saying that as an example, okay? It sounds like a very specific example that you may have experienced. I'll give you another example. Because I'm just doing a quick search right now, and I am seeing that Bed Bath & Beyond was found to have quite a lot of just animal hair inside of their comforters. Okay, well, I'll give you another example. Let's say some company like, I don't know, Bed Bath & Beyond hired me.

And somebody comment on the account, you know, on the Twitter. And they say, I just got the new bunch of pillows from Bed Bath & Beyond. And inside is a bunch of hairs. I comment, okay, Brad. I'm sorry about the hairs. Okay, so you apologize. So you do apologize. Maybe you should take your skateboard and go drive into traffic.

And this makes you a social media expert? No, that's just something that she is on the side. I'm not a social media expert. That's not why I'm here. You claim to be one. No, that's the issue with you and your team because I did not say that. Yes, I introduced you as such, but after I introduced you, you claim to be one as well. No, I said, I guess I am one.

Well, I think I see the problem here. It sounds like you're a social media expert, but you don't want to seem as though you're bragging. You're trying to be humble about it. And you are, but you don't want to be out here just shouting it. I mean, what I do is so much more important than just being an expert at social media. I go in there. I say, let's say it's a Bed Bath & Beyond. Okay. Let's just say that. Only because we're talking about Bed Bath & Beyond again. Okay.

How many of these products that you're referring to have hair as the complaint? I'd say 95, 98% of it. Oh, percent. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, Scott, you thought she might have meant 95 out of 100. Right. So like if David Geffen buys one of everything at Bed Bath & Beyond. 95 is a small, minuscule amount. Let's say we're on LinkedIn.

Okay, LinkedIn. And somebody comment on the Bed Bath & Beyond page. On LinkedIn. Okay, on LinkedIn. Because is LinkedIn trying to, is LinkedIn, I don't know how LinkedIn works. Is LinkedIn trying, isn't that like a job posting? Wait, I got to see where she's going with this. Okay, go ahead. Let's say that it's a Bed Bath & Beyond page on LinkedIn.

And you go on the page and you, you, somebody comment on the page. Oh, I will say that. That's in beyond. My name is Jessica and I bought, I bought the blender. And so what do you say in a situation like that? If someone says that, how do you even react to that? I'm like, okay, Jessica.

I'm so sorry that you got the blender in your hair. I'm so sorry for you. Hey, if I know the hairs. Why don't you scooter and go driving the ocean?

Where you go get killed by a shark. Oh, wow. Wow. So it's not just the driving into the ocean and drowning. There are sharks. Francesca, do you have to research what vehicle all of these people own before the specific message that you leave to them? It's not very hard. It's in their profile picture. Oh, it's always in a profile picture. Every time. Wow. A lot of people, they go to Bed Bath & Beyond, let's say, for example. They go to Bed Bath & Beyond.

They always have them driving in their car. I would imagine, yeah. I mean, Brock, your profile picture has a big boat on it. Of course it does. But I'm in the water in front of the boat. You are? Oh, I couldn't tell. I'm holding up some doubloons and giving a thumbs up.

Now, Francesca, you saying that you know this about profile pictures demonstrates a decent amount of social media knowledge. Sure. That's not why I'm here today. That's not what this is. It's not some kind of seminar for you guys to take all this information. Okay, that's not why I'm here. Right. I am here.

I am here because... Why are you here? Yeah. It doesn't seem like you have a purpose yet. You're just telling us what you do. Okay. Why I'm here is that if you want to go to some place, like, let's say, for example, they buy some milk. Sure. Let's say that if you want to go to there, fine. Go. Stopping you. Come line afterward and say, oh, opened up my frame. And you...

Don't... Why... Don't do it. Why you gotta be so angry, Megan? Why you so angry, Todd? If Megan and Todd didn't do this, you would be out of a job, though. I mean, you could look at it that way. You know... No. I'll never be done. Okay. All right. Number seven. Ah, so good. Funny number seven. After that in the show, um...

Carl Tartt comes on as Roland Gift, the lead singer of Fine Young Cannibals. That's right. And Eggo comes on as Dairy Queen. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can hear that episode in full if you go backwards through the canon. All right. But let's go forwards into a commercial right now. Let's take a break. Yeah.

When we come back, we're going to listen to episode six. That can't be true. Is it true? It's entirely true. Shit. I can't even wait. Let's just do it. Let's go to the break right now. All right. All right. See ya. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's is hard. So is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois.

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That was... Oh, an amazing break. How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. Stop being so hard on yourself, bro. A wretch. Yeah. Boy, people did not think highly of themselves back in Jesus' time. There was no such thing as self-esteem. There really wasn't. And now we have too much of it. Hey, if Thine Eye offends thee, pluck it out. Was that the only solution? Yeah.

Take a break. Go on vacation. Take a break. Take a break. Take a break. What is that? And Kevin, it's Hamilton. It's all Hamilton. It's all Hamilton to me. Hey, this is all Hamilton to me. What am I, Zach Galifianakis? A Greek? To me? By the way, I'm fluent in Greek.

What? I used to say, I would say, it's all Greek to me. By the way, I'm fluent in Greek. I used to say, who would you say this to? I don't know. Friends, lovers, acquaintances. The friends?

All of the friends. Matt Perry, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow. Lisa Kudrow and I did work together one day. We did promos for the MTV Movie Awards. Wow. Brian Posehn and Lisa Kudrow and I, where Brian and I were two nerds who were much like the Star Wars Phantom Menace at the time, were camped out outside of the MTV Movie Awards trying to get in.

And we then bothered her as she arrived for rehearsal or something like that. And it was very fun improvising with her and she was great and very nice. Was she a groundling? She was. Yeah. And I've never seen her since. But we, it was one of those things. Oh yeah, she disappeared. It's one of those things, you know how when you're hired on a show, sometimes there is a hierarchy where it's like the people in charge of the show are the main stars and

There's a distance between you, not necessarily like they're mean or anything, but it's like you're not one of them. So. Right. You have somewhere else to sit and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was one of those situations where it was like she was a groundling.

Brian and I were on Mr. Show, and she just, like, even though she's one of the most famous people in the world at the time, she just accepted us as a peer and was like, hey, come back to my trailer. And we just hung out in her trailer and all sorts of things. That's very nice. Yeah, very nice person. I really enjoyed it. And, I mean, what happened there? Well, that's where the story gets good. We're going to take a break. Okay. And listen to a clip. Oh, daddy!

We went back to our trailer and listened to clips. All right. All right. Let's get to it. This is, you guys voted on it. This is your episode six. Number six. You always say you guys voted on it like it's a fucking. Hey, my answer time. Hey, look, there's nothing I can do. Oh, if it was up to me, it would be a lot different. Oh, boy. This is episode six, of course. Comedy Bang Bang episode 677 from October 12th.

Just a mere two weeks after the Come Play episode. Right, but Halloween is still coming up, so... Sure, yeah, a mere 50 weeks away. This will be from when? You said it was when? Oh, wait, no, it's October 12th. You're right. No, this is two weeks earlier than the Come Play episode. So it's October 12th, before Halloween. Sure. But it's Halloween month, so spooky things happen. All month long. All month long. Spooky season. Sure, of course. Spooky season. Spooky season.

Unfortunately, that does not play into this, so I don't believe you'll have any kind of hint. I bet I can make it work. All right. Let's see. Tim Gunn style. This is episode 677. This is called the Calvin's Family Telethon Extravaganza. Do you know what I'm talking about here? Yeah. Not a fan? It's the Calvin's triplets, first of all. That's right. Don't tell me. Let me get the names out.

It's Taron Killam. Yes. Who people will remember from Saturday Night Live. Was on that show for a good four years. And then that show, Single Parents, I believe? Oh, yeah. Single Parents. Yeah. Yes. And then his SNL compatriot,

that he was on a few seasons with, Paul Britton. Yes, from Great Britain. Yeah, well... And then... He's great, and his name is Britton. You know him from Great Britain. And then Ryan Gall. From The Jillian Dollar Properties. He was added to the cast. He was added, yes. And the last OG. He... Originally, Taron and Paul wanted to do an episode together. So several years ago, and several studios ago, we did an episode where...

Right before we started, Paul and Taryn said, so what do you want to do? And I think it was Paul. Paul said the famous phrase, something with horses. Something with horses. Or he said, what about we're promoters of horse boxing? I think is what. Oh, that's way more specific. Maybe a little more specific. Maybe he just said something with horses. I don't remember. And we improvised it the entire time. But one of the best episodes, I think, of the show. Episode one.

It's a grepisode, and they've been back sporadically. We haven't wanted to do it too much, but they've been back sporadically to come back as the Calvin's twins. Beaver, Hopox, and Chico Hands are their names, but they're the Calvin's twins. And then Ryan Gall got added as Bisbee St. Hancock, who is one of the Calvin's triplets. We found out they had a long-lost brother. So we've done those episodes a few times, and they have a...

The first episode they did, they riffed that they had a horse fighting ranch and the name of it was the Calvin's Twins Ranch.

horse-fighting ranch and bee honey farm, I believe. And we, for some reason... You forgot all about the bee honey. We have never talked about the bee honey part of it. And my mind has never gone to asking questions about the bee honey. Bee honey? Yeah. That's the only kind there is, right? I know. It started to make me feel crazy. Right. Like, no, that's the only way we get honey. Right. But I don't know why I've never asked about the bee honey. And...

And with this one, just like all the other episodes, we had nothing planned, and we just started talking, and somehow we fell into talking about the bee honey, which turns into a major, major thing. And this one takes all sorts of twists and turns. Let's listen to it. This is your episode six. Number six. So maybe we could just sort of brainstorm solutions for your situation, because I quite frankly—

I don't know how you're going to get because what's the level you need to be under 250 million tons. And you have 750 trillion tons. Yeah. Yeah. We're way over. Why did you make so much?

It's taffy season. We just do it. We just put it on autopilot. Those taffy plants were blooming this year, Scott. But it seems like you could maybe make it to order, especially in a year where a lot of people don't have a bunch of disposable income and we're waiting for

Well, then what do you do if you have a family pull up and they want some taffy just on – maybe they're on their way – As an impulse buy? To go to the lake or something. Exactly. And if you have to look a family in the eye and say, we don't have any taffy right now. We're going to have to make it. What flavor do you want? That's a little nightmare. So you guys –

I think that you could split the difference between 750 trillion tons and being out if one family ever comes by the taffy farm. It seems like there's a middle ground there. I'll admit it, Scott. We were arrogant. We thought in this time, in this time of once in human history, global pandemic, people are going to be sitting at home. People are going to be needing to fill the hours. And what better way to fill an idle hour?

There was some taffy. Well, guys, I don't know how that you're going to sell this much taffy. I mean, of course you could burn the taffy. Of course you could put it in a landfill. But the agreement with the taffy god obviously states that it needs to be sold. It needs to be purchased. Well, we were hoping you could help us with that, Scott. Maybe we could start a comedy bang-bang telethon right now. Oh, sure, yeah. Have people call in.

Yeah, we could have people call in. We could have you guys doing sort of variety acts and stuff like that. So, yeah, why don't we start it off here? It'll be sort of like the Jerry Lewis telethon, which is something that I used to watch as a child, which would go all night for 72 hours and Jerry would stay awake. Of course, we don't have that kind of time. If we can stay awake for the next, say, half hour or so, we could do one right now. All right. I'm willing to try.

Do you need to take some caffeine pills or anything like that? I could do my stand up. Yeah, this sounds great. So why don't we start it now? Does it have a special title? Probably the Calvin's Family Bee Honey Taffy Farming Horse Rotten Ranch Taffy God Taffy God Stopping

flip-flopping, fab-fiving, staying alive in, a dog-dazeem-sizing, Colt .45 in hullabaloo, telethon extravaganza. So, if I have this right, it's the Calvin's Family Bee Honey Taffy Farm and Horsefighting Ranch, taffy-god-stopping, flip-flopping, fab-fiving, staying alive in, a doll-dazeem-sizing, Colt .45 hullabaloo, and I think I missed the last part of it, so...

Telethon extravaganza. Telethon extravaganza. All right. Do we have a theme song for this? Yep. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-

Welcome to the telethon. Why does it have a title if you're not going to say it? Oh, sure. Welcome to the Calvin's family bee honey taffy farmer and horse fighting ranch taffy demon stopping flip flopping fab five and staying alive in a delta zine sizing colt 45 and hullabaloo telethon extravaganza. Why don't you go ahead and

Oh, no, you're following. Why don't you go ahead and call the number that I'm sure Scott is going to gladly provide. The telephone is just starting. Call in a chat to one of our phone operators and make a sizable purchase of

Calvin's family. Never! Never! Wake up! Wake up, Devin! Make a sizable purchase of Calvin's family taffy. It's a great holiday gift, and you know what they say, it's not bad, it's good! It's good. That's right. Call us here at 1-800-0800-00, and you can talk to one of the Calvin's triplets here. Oh, it looks like we're getting a call here. Line one, you're on the line. Hey! Hey, guys!

Hey, uh, big fan of your stuff. Uh, sorry to hear about the whole demon situation, but, uh, just, just really would love to make a, make a purchase for my family.

Great. May we have your name? Sure, yeah. My name is Dylan Peacher, and I'm actually a repeat purchaser of Calvin's Family Taffy, best taffy in the world, if you ask me. Welcome home. Yeah. Thanks, thanks, Bisbee. Yeah, so I would love, I'm going to use them as holiday gifts this year, and I cannot highly recommend it enough, and I would love... Wait a moment. Just a moment. Which holiday?

It's a holiday gift. Yeah, I'm going to I'm going to use them for Secretary's Day. Hmm. OK. OK. When is that? Usually that's I think we call them assistants now. I'm sorry. I misspoke. Secretariat's Day. Oh, OK. The anniversary of him winning. Correct. So I found the Calvin's family through the horse fighting initially. Oh, OK.

And got season tickets. I've kept that going on ever since. What is horse fighting season? It seems like you guys do it year round. Year round. Yeah. Yeah. So you're there every day. Yeah. Three, six, five, you know, three, six, five, except for, except for Halloween when they, when they shut down for that day, just to see all the horse first. Um,

I thought they were watching The Walking Dead that day. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. Sorry, I misspoke. I misspoke. If you've ever seen a horse birth, it's about as gory as those zombies, Scott. Yeah. So obviously, Walking Dead Day, we get off. I spend that with my family. But yeah, I would love to order. I'd love to order five tins of taffy, please.

Five tins. Okay, how many pieces does that end up being? How many tons? How many tons is a tin? A tin. Did you say tins or tons? I said tins. Five tins. Okay. Well, we have three different size of tins. That's right. We have a small...

The small, which is just 12 pieces. Yep. And we have the large. Large, which is 25 pieces. And then we have the big. The big old tin. Yeah, that's what I mean. So big old tin is a trillion tons of taffy. Whoa, okay. So you want the trillion tons, so. I'll take it. Guys, if you can make this sale, then you only have $749 trillion.

trillion tons left to go minus 250 million tons I guess are you okay with a mix of flavors yeah I'll take the variety pack no pork chop flavor please though oh shit oh do you have enough for a trillion tons I think all about but about like 20 to 30 pieces of pork chop flavor oh no can I ask you Dylan what's going on

What's your problem with the pork chop flavor? Well, I just don't care for it. Did you have it? Because if you had last year's, last season's pork chop... Yeah, that's the first time I tried it, yeah. This season's very different. Was there a problem last year with the pork chop flavor? Well, yeah, it went bad. Okay, so it was like rancid meat flavored? It felt like there were actual little pieces of pork chop in the piece, and those...

They went rancid, but they also solidified. So it was like chewing on taffy filled with rocks. Why do you like their taffy if you had this kind of experience? I think it's tradition. I love the tradition. It makes me feel sentimental for early days at the horse fight. I mean, it's a tradition because you're there every day but Halloween, Walking Dead Day. That's right. Okay, so can we interest you in this year's flavor of the pork chop flavor? This is more of a dry rub flavor.

pork pork chop flavored and there's no last season we had uh pork chips and this season it mixed in this season is just a puree it's a puree i think it's much smoother much smoother texture let no chunks can i can i ask this can you messenger me one piece of the current pork chop i'll try it and if i like it i'll call back with the order where where are you right now i am in missouri

Son of a bitch. Do you have a horse fast enough?

Stop! All right, it's on its way. Hopefully it'll get there to you. Oh, look, okay, the door. Somebody's at the door. You're hearing a hoof knock at the door. Yes! Thank you, thank you. All right, I'm just going to unwrap this little piece of taffy here. Oh, you wrap it in paper. Oh, look at that. You have to click the user agreement. Okay, here we go.

What magazine did you get? Let's see. What is this? Oh, I got a Highlights. A Children's Highlights from 1972. Oh, yeah. Wonderful. That's fun. I already see a couple things wrong between these two pictures. All right, I'm going to try the taffy now. Yeah, don't get wrapped up in that. Try the taffy, yeah, before you get to the puzzles in the back. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

How's it? Yeah. You keep saying it sounds like you're we don't have the full hour to savor this taffy. Oh, really? Oh, no. Yeah. You're gonna have to make your decision right now. Oh, but that's how I consume Calvin's family taffy. Sure. We all do. We

We all do, but if I could get a preliminary... In his defense, we do promote taking the time with the taffy. Sure, of course. Reading the magazine, getting the full taffy experience. You guys, I've come to a decision. Okay. I'm not going to continue with my order. I am going to order $749 trillion...

700. Sure. And 49 trillion. 700 and. 100 and. 51 million. 51 million tons. Whoa, guys. And 900 tons.

And 99,999 pieces. Oh, my God. That's amazing. That'll put you right over the edge. What was your name again? It was under the edge. Just under, I think. What was your name again, sir? My name is Dylan Preaches. Dylan Preaches. You're not looking too good, I have to say. You're sweating and you've turned...

A strange color of... Uh-oh. Oh, yeah, I feel hot. I can't taste the taffy anymore. This will happen. I can't smell the taffy either. Oh, no. I think he's got the COVID-38.

Oh, no. Did you infect your taffy with COVID-38? Not on purpose. Not on purpose, sure, but no one does it on purpose. It's bound to happen. All that COVID-38 floating around. Oh, no. Are you going to be all right, sir? Oh, he's coughing like a horse. Oh, no. Oh, no. I got to go. Bye, guys. Be sure to send all that taffy.

Yeah, we'll send it. I don't think I... Oh, you got to feel bad. He hung up before canceling his order, so I'm not quite sure where that leaves us. The card cleared.

I thought he said send the taffy. He did say send the taffy, but it also made him sick and possibly dying, which I don't know whether it's... Hey, you got to get it out there. That's our other taffy catchphrase. Hey, it might make you sick, but it's worth it. Can you check just to make sure he hasn't put a stop payment there on the... Let me just look. Oh, there is a note in the account.

What's a note say? Hold on. I'm pulling it up. Chico. Come on. Chico. There we go. I know you're impatient, Chico. You're the most impatient of the triplets, are you not? I'm fine with that label. Sure. A little bit impatient. What's the dang note say? Send the order as fast as possible. But make sure when you send it, I'm still alive.

Okay. So we need to make sure that he's still alive? How did he even get this note into this account? Yeah, I'm not quite sure. Well, we can do a reverse. You never sent a credit card purchase note? He sent a credit card purchase note. We can do a reverse trace on the call and call him back. So let me. Star 69. Yeah, star 69. Here we go. Beep, boop, boop. Brr, brr.

Hello? Hello. Hello. This is. Hey. Hello. This is the telethon. You just called into the telethon. How did you get this number? This might be one of those fake answering machine messages. It's perfectly anticipated. I'll have to ask my wife. This is a fake answer. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. Go back and repeat that. We're from the telethon. You just called in. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Should we send the taffy? But can I ask a question? Sure. Why is this happening? Do we send the taffy or not? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You bought it. You said you want to buy it. Unless you're dead. Well, that's something. Hey, guys, I'm just kidding. It's Dylan Preachers. You've reached my answering machine. Oh, no. Hey, Dylan.

Dylan, Dylan, hey, this is the Galvans triplets. We're just making sure that you enjoyed the pork chop taffy. You survived the ingestation of it. And you still want this $749,749,000,000.

1,999,999 pieces of taffy. Call us back at 1-800-000-800-0 and let us know. Yeah, ask him if he wants a coupon code. And do you want to enter a coupon code? No, you don't want the coupon code. Bye.

By the way, that is 800 zeros. We want to make sure people, maybe that's why we're not getting a lot of calls. It's 800 zeros in a row, not 1-800. Shouldn't have told him about that coupon code. Oh, wait, we're getting a call. We're getting a call.

Hello. You're on the telethon guys. It's Dylan. I'm completely fine. So we can ship that out to you right now. Ship it to me. I do want to inquire about this coupon code. Oh shit. No. Damn it. Son of a bitch. Yeah. Um, listen, I feel as a, as a longtime loyal buyer, I'm kind of like, I'm kind of entitled to using a coupon code. Quite frankly, I think the one October will actually October. Great. I'll use that one. Uh,

Oh, it's going to be double. It's going to make this order free. And your next six orders are going to be free as well. You are responsible for shipping. Um, so I will have to take your card down. Chico, is there any kind of shipping clause? Can you, what if you charged, uh, him for a lot for the shipping, uh,

more so than it would actually take to buy the stuff. Is there some sort of work around there? Well, that's interesting. I like that idea. I like that because this Dylan guy doesn't seem too smart. I feel like we could pull a fast one out of him. This is Dylan. I'm still on the line.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Is this another one of his fake? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, no. Yeah, sure. Put the order through. Son of a hornet. I said it already. Uh-huh. Damn. You bet. How did this happen to us again? How did we fall? Hey, guys, I'm killing it. Still in pre-tour. He's making out going cold. I'd like to know who you're voting for this presidential election.

If you're voting for Biden-Parrott, please press 1. If you're voting for Trump-Pence, press 2. Have a marvelous day. How do you have a... He had the coupon code on his RoboCop. Number 6. So good that, um...

Of course, the phone calls continue. That's something that I just threw out there and Taron picked up on. And of course, he immediately does it perfectly. Like those fake answering machine... I mean, they're not fake. They are answering machine messages that are fake messages.

You think that you've called the real person. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And of course, once I brought that up of like, is this just one of those answering machines that he's pretending? He, of course, goes immediately into, uh-huh, uh-huh. Like, he's so good at really one of the quickest guys around. So good. All three of those guys are funny. They're funny. And a great addition to their canon. Yeah.

All right. We're going to take a break. But when we come back, we're going to crack the top five. We got to do it, guys. We can't keep it uncracked. We have to crack it. That shell is calling to me. It is. All right. We'll be right back with your episode five after this. Are you catching the big game?

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Paul F. Tompkins. That's right. We're counting down your top 16 episodes of the year of 2020. And I mentioned it before the break and I couldn't even believe it was happening, but we are cracking the top five, Paul. You know what? You did mention it before the break. I couldn't believe it. You thought I was a filthy liar, right? Well, I wouldn't go that far, but I thought when we come back from the break, he's going to have a different story.

He'll have changed his tune. Yeah. Well, guess what? La, la, la. It's exactly the same. Oh, Babe, Pig in the City. What is it? Babe, Pig in the City. Oh, it's not Pig in the City, but in Babe, I remember in the trailer. Yes, that's right. He sings la, la, la in the trailer to Babe? Yes, he does. Whoa. He famously is referenced on the...

the podcast Web Crawlers. It's a reference they often make, but in the trailer for the original Babe, at one point, Babe is just so happy to be a pig that he sings, La, la, la. I don't remember that, but now I'm going to watch that. The one thing in a trailer that no one remembers, I feel like Neil Mahoney and I used to talk about this, is there was a movie that Jonathan Lipnicki was in with a vampire character.

Oh, yeah. And... Hold on a second. Yeah. Not a real vampire. It was about a vampire. Oh, I didn't get that. It was not like a buddy cop movie and the actor happened to be a vampire. Like that Jay Leno, Pat Morita film. That's right, Pat Morita was a vampire. Maybe he was a kid vampire or something like that. I don't remember what it was. I feel like I can almost see the cover art.

Yeah. Of the VHS. But the part of the trailer that I remember is the vampire says to Jonathan Lipnicki, surprise, this is like their first meeting, and he goes, you're alive. And Jonathan Lipnicki says, and I want to keep it that way, dude. That's who he used to say. I want to keep it that way, dude. All the time. I want to keep it that way, dude.

and having a little gravelly voice, didn't he? Yeah, he did.

I think he did, at least for that movie. I want to give it that way, dude. I want to give it that way, dude. The human head weighs eight pounds. I had a really hard time saying that. Cheeto Van Adam and you and Shana. What? That's my other impression. I swear we've talked about this on Threedom. The guy in West Side Story who played the malt shop owner or whatever. Yeah. Cheeto Van Adam and you and Shana. Because you did a different voice. I couldn't understand what you were saying. Cheeto Van Adam and you and Shana. What do you kill? Cheeto Van Adam and you and Shana.

Why do you kill? All right. Let's crack that top five. This is the final episode we'll be talking about on this episode. Hold on a second. Yeah. You be the vampire and ask me the question, because I think this would be a better line. Okay. You're alive? All day.

Which I guess at night, he's a vampire, so that doesn't answer the question. Well, he's a vampire all day, but he's asleep during the day. Oh, that's true. Okay. But Lipnicki's not a vampire. No, Lipnicki's- He's alive and he wants to keep it that way, dude. He wants to keep it that way, dude. All right, let's do it. This is your episode five. Number five. Okay, episode five- Is alive. Is alive. Five is alive. This is, why are they rebooting Short Circuit? Does anyone care about Short Circuit? To cast an actual Asian actor? Yeah.

Agreed. Agreed. But my point is, does the name, does the title Short Circuit mean anything to anyone anymore? Every once in a while they do that with a property or it's like... Just a new movie with the same premise. You don't have to pay for the license. Battleship. Well, that's the Hasbro company trying to... Anyway, everyone wants to expand their IP. What are they trying to do? They're trying to expand their IP. Why are you trying to expand your IP? Yeah.

All right. This is episode 649. This is right before the 650th episode. This is right in the middle of the 600s. This is April 6th. And? And. We're waiting. This is an episode called Goose Tycoon. It sounds familiar. Yes. Okay. So who do we have? We have John Gabrus as intern Geno.

Ego Wotum as Entree P. Neuer, who we heard previously on the countdown. She's racking up a lot of spots on the CD. We have Carl Tartt as OJ Simpson. You take care. Which I don't think we've ever talked about him on the countdown, but Carl came in I think a year and a half or two years ago and said he wanted to do

based on OJ's Twitter presence. Yes. Which is basically him, he had just joined Twitter and he would start every video going, hey, Twitter world. And then he would end with, you take care. And Carl just did that over and over. And this was with Jimmy Pardo, I believe. Maybe it was on the countdown, I don't remember. I think it's been on the countdown. I made the choice of not having kept up with OJ's career since the pandemic.

late 80s and so I don't know anything about him being a murderer. Oh, I thought that Carl stipulated that. No. He, he, I think he, maybe he just said don't ever ask me about the murder or something. I can't remember. Right, right, right.

In any case, so those three are earlier than the clip we're going to hear. But the clip we're going to hear is our good friend Drew Tarver. Drew Tarver, who we also know from Bajillion Dollar Properties, where he played the partner of Ryan Gall from the previous clip. Coincidence? Yes. Yes, it is a coincidence. All right. So this is April 6th. So this was one of the first episodes that we did over Zoom.

And when quarantine first started, do you remember what everyone was doing in the early days of quarantine? Washing their hands. And they stopped. Then we all realized, well, this is stupid. We're not going anywhere. No, everyone was watching a little television show called Tiger King. I renounce Tiger King and all of its works. So Drew really, I think,

Everyone was saying maybe when Tiger King came out that Tiger King was like a Drew Tarver character. Immediately, I saw people messaging Drew. It was unavoidable, yes. Drew is from Georgia. We've met his parents at the Georgia tour stop where he killed in front of his parents, which is one of those rare things that only he and Neil Campbell have ever done, I believe. Yeah.

And he's a southern improviser, genius improviser, but everyone was saying Tiger King is you. Yeah. So he decided to come on the show. I think he reached out to me and said, hey, can I come on and do a Tiger King type thing? And this is what he came up with. It is so silly. Let's hear it. This is your episode five. Number five. He is the subject of a recent documentary. Please welcome Roger Peculiar.

Hey, Scott, how are you doing? You doing all right? Doing good. You have a voice that naturally sounds like a Zoom freezing. Is that true? So it's not going through very clear? No, no, we can hear you crystal clear. Just your voice sounds naturally like, you know how when the sound elongates when a Zoom freezes? You sound like that constantly. Yeah, sometimes I have, I grew up next to a,

internet facility. What do you mean? Like a house with internet? My brain freezes. It's a public library. Oh, you grew up next to a library. Did you ever check out a book from there? Yeah, I went in there. I checked out a couple books. I got Da Vinci Code from Dan Brown. How did you like that one?

I did not end up reading it, and I returned it 24 days later. 24, and how long was the rental period? What do they call it? It was a quick read. It was just a two-day. I've borrowed so many things, they only give me a two-day leash at this point. Do you have allergies? A lot of people ask me that. That's just my accent, and my nose has gone to hell.

Oh, okay. Roger, let's dig in deep to your details here. Are you from the South? Obviously you're from the South. Yeah, I'm from Georgia. You know, I just figured it was a perfect time to promote my zoo documentary since Tiger King has become so popular. You have a zoo documentary. Yes, I'm here to promote my zoo documentary, Goose Tycoon. Goose Tycoon.

Yes, you know how Joe Exotic is a zookeeper for tigers, and I am one for geese, and some ducks, and some swans. Did you make this documentary as a parody of Tiger King?

Because you're constantly relating it to Tiger King. I just want people to know where it's coming from. It's very popular. I'm actually pretty upset about it. Okay, so your documentary is not a reaction to Tiger King. No, I've had this documentary going already. I've seen it, Scott. I used to watch it with some friends. You've seen Goose Tycoon? I watched the first, I guess, first 40 or 50 episodes of it.

there's there's a lot but uh there it was fun it was good i like a lot of it are these episodes that's a that is a complaint from a lot of people i'm pitching the documentary to that it is just a hundred consecutive episodes of a small show are these quick bites well i i wanted to pitch it to uh to quibby um but i haven't been able to pitch it yet there i pitched it to uh

to cbs all access uh sure i pitched it to cso2 they made a sequel to cso yeah yes everybody said we're called peacock oh and i said and i just kept uh you're like it's always cso to me it's always cso to me i pitched it to red fin tv right the the home buying app

Yes, yes. Redfin TV. If you're looking for a mid-price condominium, you can also see a little bit of content on that app now. That's how I saw it. A guy I used to smoke dust with used to be a PA at Redfin TV, so he had some pitch materials, and that's how we watched a sleepover party. Right, right. And my final pitch was to the iPhone app Wallet. That...

Yeah, the thing that comes on iPhones that sort of organizes. Apparently they they're going to keep your your your credit cards, maybe a couple of boarding passes and then a couple of episodes of TV in there now. OK, right. So anytime you open it up, hey, I'd love an episode of television in my actual wallet. That would be great. Wouldn't that be great? Because you need something to do when you got you got your boarding pass out and you're waiting, you got your shoes off.

And you're waiting there to go through the damn scanner. And it's like, I wish I could just watch a little something right here. It's mainly for when you put your briefcase through the TSA box until you walk to the other side. That's when it, you should be putting your, you should be putting your phone in that TSA box. So this show is for you to watch specifically while you're getting your body scanned at the TSA. Well, you have to,

The problem with the wallet is, but I want to work with the wallet. You have to always ask for additional screening so you can go through the thing where you can take your phone. Okay. So it's there to waste time when you are asking for additional time. Exactly. It's a very specific time period that you want people to watch your show.

Well, no, I'm not... I don't work for Wallet. I just want to be on there. Right. Okay. Is all I'm saying. And did any of these places buy your pitch? No. Nobody. Everybody said no.

This sounds like a parody of another documentary. Take us through. What is it? Goose Tattoo? What was it? Goose Tycoon. Tycoon. And my name is Roger Peculiar. Yes, which also, by the way, if I gunned my head, I would say sounds as well like a parody of the person from Tiger King. So you're saying I ran all these words through a synonym generator? Possibly. Yeah.

Is that what you're saying? Well, I'm a real person, Scott. That's not what happened. But I am part of the goose, the big bird conservationist community. This isn't related to Sesame Street. Do you mean? No. This isn't a sea apple. Large birds. Just very large birds. Okay.

Yeah, and, you know, unlike tigers, which are more valuable when they're younger, geese are better when they're old. Oh, okay. So I'm always on the lookout for old-ass geese. What do you mean by better? And what do you mean by I'm always on the lookout for?

Well, you know, a geriatric goose from the black market breeder can cost $40. And I know a guy who will sell me one for 60 Capri Suns. So basically, you want a goose when you got people watching your gooses. You got paying customers there watching your gooses. You want them to be old and docile.

Uh, so they are not attacking the people that are petting them and that you're holding them next to their head. So I'm sorry. It's a petting zoo for old geese. Well, yeah, we show them you can pet them. And a lot of people keep telling me a wallet TV said, this is not as exciting as tiger King. Um,

Geese aren't excited. Well, I don't even think it's just the geese. I mean, Tiger King seems to have a lot of murders in it. I mean, you're definitely an oddball. Well, I have a Carole Baskins. You have a Carole Baskins? Yes, her name's Angela Dumpson. Oh, my God.

Angela Dupson. I've had it with Angela Dupson. She is my Carol Baskin. I would think it would be more like Song 31 Flavors. So, see, you can't run a name through a synonym thing because it'll change it to businesses. But a Carol is also a noun. Right. Oh, I guess you meant Baskins. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, my enemy is Angela Dumpson. She's a goose protector, and she's always saying, oh, oh, Roger, you can't keep geese. They need to fly south for the winter. And I said, not if you buy them little tiny coats. So have you killed anybody in Tiger King? Isn't that a thing? Everyone has a theory. OJ, don't you have a theory about that?

Oh, I got a huge theory about it. I think that that man, Joe Exotic, sliced that woman up. Also, I... That wasn't the question. That's not... What? That's not what happens in the documentary. They think Carol Baskin...

killed her husband. I think that Joe Exotic got so upset because Carol Baskin was clearly cheating on him and embarrassing him in front of all of his friends. And I think that he went over there just to talk one day and all of a sudden her husband Howard is also there and he's bringing back some glasses that Carol left at the restaurant and I think he stabbed her right on up. This doesn't sound believable.

I'm just saying. I do know that. Take care. What were you going to say, Roger? That is a conspiracy theory that I do not think exists for this movie. You don't wait. You don't think it exists?

It exists now because he said it, but it isn't off the wall. So you don't think it's accurate? It does exist, though. It's not accurate. It exists. But I've had it with Angela Dupson, who is my Carol Best. You keep saying it. What were you saying about her before Tiger King came out? What were you able to call her before you saw this documentary? Yeah.

Tiger King's only been out like a week and a half at this point, too. I just called her Angela Dupson. But now I get to say Angela Dupson is my Carol Bassey. Are there other things? She put me on a website called NaughtyGooseGuys.net. And I have had it with her. Right. What else has she done?

Well, I got her back, though. I trained one of my geese to steal one of her goose's eggs. And he went over there and he took it and he nudged it back to my place 14 miles with his beak. It took him three weeks. Why didn't you drive him to the like the perimeter of her place and just wait for him? I don't let the geese ride with me in the car anymore because they're backseat drivers. Is that what happened in Vegas?

Well, in Vegas, I'll tell you what happened in Vegas. Some of the geese got loose in Vegas, and they did $600 of damage to Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill. That's a sad story. Yeah. They purchased the MLB network on every flat screen with their beaks. That's the damage? The $600 worth of damage? Yeah, no one was hurt.

No property was harmed. That damn old MLB network is very expensive in hotels. It's too much. I think I remember hearing about this because you got in a little hot water because you were using that sedan as a... You were also driving for Lyft around Vegas, right? Yeah.

Yeah, my lift rating has severely suffered since I've been also trying to run a multiple geese petting business out of it. But I do have... Wait, multiple? You have multiple businesses or you can pet multiple geese? No, you can pet multiple geese. At one business. I always tell them, I have the nasty little white lifesavers. What else do you want?

I don't know what you're talking about. I like those lifesavers. I like the white ones. The individually wrapped white ones? I like those white ones. You know, you don't like white lifesavers, but like white everything else? Black lifesavers matter. Okay. Those are the only ones? Okay. What could they be? Would they be licorice flavored? I mean... They could be whatever they want, Scott.

They could be chocolate flavored, Scott. Oh, that's true. If they wanted to switch it up. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, Andre. By the way, what race are you? Have we ever established it? All of them.

Everything. You got a little bit of... OJ, you all black. You all blackity black black. You know, people have said otherwise over the years. OJ, I'm looking at you. You're black. You're looking at me? I've always thought, OJ, that I could relate to you, though. You thought that you could relate to me, Scott? Yeah, you know, you're one of the... How do I phrase this? You're going to say one of the good ones? Ha ha ha!

No, no, no, no. Just you're... You heard it here first. Scott Ackerman says OJ Simpson, one of the good ones. One of the good ones. You're just an American success story and something that we can all aspire to be. Scott, I tell you, I appreciate that.

A hundred fold. Almost as many folds as how many N95 masks I have sitting in my basement, which is quite damp. So some of them may be getting a little... So little molds in those folds, yeah. Yeah, some mold in those folds. Roger, I have to ask, any other details here on your Goose Tycoon documentary or what's been going on there? Well, yeah, I mean, I do also sing songs.

Oh, much like, what's his name? Joe Exotic? Joe Exotic. Roger Peculiar also has a singing career. Where do you get Roger from Joe? I didn't get it from him. No, it's from your mom. I'm older than him. Right, right. But you sing, though. I do sing. Yeah, I got a few songs. I got one out called Goose Man.

Let's hear a little bit. All right, you want to hear it? Yeah, I certainly do. Hey now, you're a goose man. Get your game on. Go play. So that's how that one goes. It's not even... Go what now? Does it even rhyme with all-star? What is it? Rhyme with what? All-star? I don't know what you're talking about. The all-stars...

Like the baseball team with the little good boys. NBA All-Stars. What's one of your other songs, Roger? This one's called Mom Goose Bit My Finger. Okay. Hey now, goose bit my finger. Get your game on. Go play. What do I think about that one? I think it's a hit. I'm not going to argue anymore. I love them. These are my favorite kind of songs where they have different beginnings but all the same second line.

Well, you're going to like this next one because it's nothing like the first two. A lot of people are saying the first two are similar. This last one is completely different. What's it called? Last one? You all got three songs? It's not exactly a large oeuvre. Yeah, I come with numbered only a few songs. But this one's called Beaks Are Just Hard Mouths. Let's hear it.

All that glitters is gold. Only shooting stars break the mold. You didn't change any of the lyrics on that one. I love it. Thank you. That's the beginning of that song? Number five. Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen Drew Lately?

His look is very different. Yes, I have. And my question to him was, so why is this happening? I literally thought it was for a role and was shocked when he said it wasn't. It's why he's got longish shaggy hair and a beard, a full thick beard. Yeah. He's cast away. Essentially. It's insane.

The beard's not quite that long. No. But if left unchecked, that's where it's headed. Yeah, I think, I mean, well, you and I, what was your first haircut during quarantine? Oh, I did home haircuts. Right.

Which essentially was, I have clippers, and I put it on the... Because the last haircut I got, it was kind of all one length, right? Yeah. So I was like, here's what I'll do. I got these clippers, put them on the longest setting, and then I'll just go all over my head. Right, yeah. And it was not that bad. And when was this? It was not that good. This was in April, or...? That was... My hair was fairly... Oh, because I had done...

I'd gotten a haircut on a set. I did an episode of The Twilight Zone. That's the last thing I did. I was in Vancouver. Right. And they cut my hair because everything's kind of like out of time on the show. So you were able to ride that for a few months. I was able to ride that for a while, yeah. And so I would say, yeah, like a few months in, I'd cut my own hair and did a, you know, like, I mean, look, a decent enough job for the places I was going, which was not many, but a decent enough job to appear on Zoom. Right, yes. And then you got cast on another show and you got one there, right?

Or did they not give you one there? No. I went right before that show. That was in, I want to say, October, late September, early October. Do you remember? And I got a haircut at a salon right before that. That's my last haircut. So a mask-full haircut. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's like, you know, they only let one person in at a time and, you know, all this shit. Take your temperature. I've not been able to do that. Yeah. So I had gotten my...

previous to quarantine, I got my previous haircut, I think six weeks earlier. Previously on haircut. He puts the haircut in the basket. You can't handle my haircut. But I was feeling shaggy when quarantine happened and then I went... Well, it wasn't me. Then I... The shaggy defense.

And then I went all the way to my birthday, July 2nd, without getting one. So I had the longest hair I'd had since I did Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat when I was 20. And they told us to stop getting haircuts, and we had beards and haircuts. To be Bible people. I liked your shaggy hair. I thought it was good. It was just too much. I did take the one picture, the cover of our aborted podcast, Are You Talking RHCP ReMe? Come on. I'm pro-life. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah.

Even podcasts? Even podcasts. Every podcast is special. I don't want anything to be aborted. You don't want them to be canceled either. Please don't cancel me. But you can see my long hair in that. But then I gave myself, I finally bought clippers. I gave myself one on my birthday, July 2nd, when we went to see Jaws. And then I just gave myself one.

For Jimmy Pardo's podcast-a-thon, whatever that was. That was in September or something. And maybe I'm due for another one soon. I had one scheduled for Tuesday and it was canceled because we're going, quote, back into lockdown. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Everything's shutting again. But I'm also working on that show that I worked on before, Rutherford Falls, and I have to let them know.

hey, my hair is going to be a mess. Okay, so get them prepared to widen out the frame a little bit to fit it all in. I mean, just to let them know, maybe you want it to be this way or maybe you want to do something about it or whatever. So we'll see. That's very considerate of you. I remember the first time that I think during that very same Joseph production where someone –

One of us got, one of the cast members got a haircut in the middle of it and it was a big problem. Oh, I remember. And that's where we all learned that you're not supposed to do that. Yeah. That hair continuity is a thing and that you at least have to check with, and in a play, obviously there's no continuity, but it was like, hey, we designed the look of your hair. Yeah. For opening night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not supposed to change it. I think I've told you this story. I hope so. But-

You'd love to revisit those stories. So I don't have to hear it again. What? No, no, go ahead. I don't know what's going to happen now. When I was, I would sometimes appear on the Sarah Silverman program as a cop, as Jay Johnston's partner. Right. And didn't I get your part because you couldn't be there? Or no, that was a different cop.

Who knows? Who knows? I played many cops. Tig might have gotten my part because I couldn't be there one time. I don't know. We did the same on Comedy Bang Bang. Tig was a cop for a while, and then I think we cycled Carl Tart back in because she didn't want to do it anymore or something. So, yeah. So I would go – every once in a while I'd get called in and do the Sarah Silverman program where the writers would tell me all the ideas they had for my character that never happened.

Right. Yes. Always great. They were like, oh, we have this great episode planned out where it was going to be you doing this. And then we didn't do it. Yeah. And then, so one time I was there and the woman in the hair department said, oh, no, no cop has hair like this. And so she gave me this haircut. Oh.

I wasn't a regular on that show. Like, put some fucking goop in it or whatever. So then she gave me this haircut that I tried to correct over this course of several months where I would go to a place and say, here's what I want you to do with my hair. And then they would give me the same haircut that she gave me. Oh, for months. And then finally I went to this place where I, she's, you know, I, this is a person. In your mind palace? Yeah, I went in my mind palace. I was like, when did I...

I went to this place that I'd gone before, like this hair color that I really liked that had to, I think she took time off to have a baby and then came back and I was like, great, I'm going to go back to her. About nine months she took off?

Exactly nine months. For the duration of the pregnancy? And then as soon as the baby was born? She had sex right in front of you. Where it was conceived. Yeah, she's like, hey, I just got laid back there. And I think I know what happened. I'll see you in nine months. To the day. Hey, I'm back. So...

I said, I like told her the story. I'm like, here's what I'm trying to do. You know, I want it. Here's how I want it. You know? And she went, okay. And then she started, she started to do something like she got out some clippers and I was like, Oh, actually, could you not do that? You know, could you leave that long there? Yeah. And she went, Oh wait, you told me that you didn't want me to do that. Right. And I was like, yeah. And she's, I'm, I'm so sorry. And it was like,

It was the weirdest thing. It's like your hair is hypnotizing. Yeah. It's like, do people just have an idea of what it should look like? And that's what they're doing. And they're not hearing what I say. Well, that's why nowadays I just go like, whatever you want to do, just do it. Well, here's what I like to do is I say, make it look like I didn't even get a haircut. Yes. That's what I say. And that has worked. That has served me in good stead. Yes. And that way you're always getting your haircut like every three days.

And they just pretend to do stuff. Every three days. Well, you know, I go every week for a haircut. Of course. It's my Saturday. I'm rich. I make a day out of it. Yes.

Ah, well, speaking of making a day out of it, we certainly did with this episode. We're going to have to leave, but we're going to be back on Thursday. Really? For the final episode of The Best Ofs, New Year's Eve. We'll be back. I'm glad we closed it out with some haircut talk. This has been haircut talk. But we will be back where we will be discussing and playing clips from the top four episodes of the year. Yeah. We're going to count it down all the way down. We're going to do it all the way down.

the way down this year why not sure um all right you know that it's the end of the episode when we say our famous catchphrase of course keep smiling see ya bye Reese's peanut butter cups are the greatest but let me play devil's advocate here let's see so no that's a good thing that's definitely not a problem Reese's you did it you stumped this charming devil

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