Best of 2020 Part 4
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I mean, thank you so much to AaronLeeman517 at gmail.com for that catchphrase submission. What? I mainly wanted to read it just to read that person's username. Their username? That's their username? That's their username. I wonder if it's that person or if it's that person, like, sending a bunch of emails to their friend. I don't know what it is, but. So you may have inadvertently docked someone. Sure. But this is a satirical show, so we can say anything and call it comedy.

We can give anyone's home phone and address. Who knows? Whatever happens with that, I apologize or don't apologize. Whatever happens to baby Jane. Who knows? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2020 Part 4. We're counting down the top four episodes of the year on this show. Scott, this is it. For countdowns from 16 to number one, this is the part everyone dreams of. This is the part everyone wants to listen to.

Weirdly enough, every year we do four parts and the part one is the one that most people listen to. And then the numbers dwindle. You'd think they would increase. Because they're outraged. Yes, probably. Do you think people think it's in reverse order and they think like, oh, they start with the best one. No, I think that people who have never heard the show before are interested and then listen to one and say, eh, enough of that and never listen again. Come on. Scott, that can't be true. That can't be true. I think people think it's a count up.

It could be. And they're like, well, why would I listen to the rest? You know what? It doesn't even matter. I'm game. It really doesn't matter. This is all made up anyway. It just doesn't matter. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Meatballs. That's right. Here's what people need to know. You voted. My name is Scott Aukerman, by the way, and Paul F. Tompkins is right across from me. That is my name. In my backyard. Here's what you need to know. You voted on these. We ignored.

Ignore that. We have a big hat filled with episode titles. Yep. And they're not even episode titles of episodes previously. No. We had to go record new episodes to fit those titles. Yeah. The first one we picked out, the one with Ugly Naked Guy. What? That's a good one.

That was a character on Friends that we never saw for obvious reasons. But so mean when you think about it now. I mean, it's one thing that he's naked. Fine. Let him be naked. Come on. Just because you're the most attractive six people. Yeah. Man, I hated all those people. I hated them. Including Lisa Kudrow. Your former best friend. Just the last episode, I was just talking about how much I liked her if you listened to that previous one. It's a satirical show, remember? Satirical show. We can say anything. Um...

And speaking of saying anything, we're going to say everything about these top four episodes. I'm holding a boombox above my head. It has the top four episodes. What if... Would someone please... Would someone please...

Please take that image. Take that image and just play the top four clips. Please take that clip of John Cusack holding the boombox over his head to win the love of Ioni Sky and put, instead of In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel, put in one of the top four clips. Ioni Sky, of course, an avid listener of our sister show, Threedom, I believe. That's right. I don't know whether she listens to this show, but... Why would she? Of course, you know... If you're listening to Threedom, that's the absolute limit for an Ioni Sky.

This guy is the limit. This guy. This guy has a limit. Do you think she ever says, who has two thumbs and wants to kick the shit out of you? This guy. And points at herself. I hope so. I hope she does. I hope she does. Listen to this episode for a good suggestion, Ione, and then go back to Threedom if you want. Um...

Do you know what song was originally playing on that boombox when they filmed it that John Cusack wanted to put in instead of Peter Gabriel? Back to a Man by Clarence Carter. That's right. No, it was Shaving Cream. By Dr. DiVento.

He just gets credit for all the songs that he plays on his show. No, didn't he actually sing that one, though? Did he really? I felt like he sang Shaving Cream every time that it was. I thought Dr. Demento was an aggregator. Like a fuck Jerry. That was a tweet I did. I know, I saw. That's why I mentioned it. That's fun. Yeah, I read your tweets. I read your tweets. I read your tweets. I read your tweets.

No, I think it was a Fishbone song. You know, John Cusack was really into Fishbone, so he picked a really punky, moshpitty type song to get across that he was so torn up over the relationship that he felt all punk rock about it. And I think Cameron Crowe was like, uh, yeah, why don't we do this song instead? How about a song somebody would like to hear? Yeah.

No shit on Fishbone, but come on. You're not going to woo any girls with Fishbone. I, of course, was a big Fishbone fan growing up and never got one date out of it. So I commiserate with him. But you thought that was your game? Yeah. It was like, ever heard of Fishbone? Yeah. I go to their shows. I'm not inviting you to one. I like to bone your... What smells like fish? It's not that kind of a show.

It's not that kind of a show. I'm sorry that the very beginning of this episode, but look. By Ioni. By Ioni. By Ioni. By Ioni. By Ioni. By Ioni. By Ioni. Ah, the music man. Ah, the music man. Meredith Wilson, writer of The Music Man. That's right. That's right. Meredith Wilson.

Meredith. Will Sarion Password. The Music Man? I used to love...

that sort of clock noise during the pyramid, the final pyramid. Yeah. Where it was, you know, they'd sit there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was really effective. Yeah. I love to do the pyramid. That's the one thing I asked my agent. That's a good game show. Is it still, did they reboot it? They had rebooted it. And so I was like, look, I don't ask you if I can be on anything. I would like to be on pyramid. And then they came back to me and said, yeah,

Yeah, unfortunately, they're having bigger celebrities on. I went, okay, yeah, I get it. And then you know who's on? Lauren Lapkus. Dang. Yeah. And pre-The Wrong Missy. Pre-Wrong Missy? Yeah. Well, that's ridiculous. Pre-Wrong Missy. Some hot shot. Here's his pre-Wrong Missy. Would love to do it at some point. You know that Jimmy Pardo and I used to play it all the time together. Pyramid? Yeah, like just...

to test each other on it because we've both wanted to do it. He wanted to host it. I wanted to do it. He used to love doing the Dick Clark hand on the shoulder. Yes, yes. Kind of like half massage. What if I had said dictaphone? Dick Butkus! Things that people confuse Dick Butkus for. Dick Butkus.

Wait, what was the thing we just did? Dick bitch. What was the thing we just did with Mike Ditko? What movie? Da Room. Da Room. Da Room. That seems like a million years ago now. What about Da Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? Curious Life of Benjamin Button.

It was a case, right? A case. The case of Benjamin. It certainly was a case. Yes. It wasn't a life. Who was keeping track of these cases? Well, it was a detective. Oh, sure. Yeah. In the expanded button verse, you learn that. It was someone tracking all these people down. His secret was he got younger to conceal murder.

He murdered someone as an old man. And everyone was looking around for an old man or older. All I got to do is keep getting younger until I'm in the womb again. How does it end? I've never seen it. Weirdly enough, that's the one Fincher movie that I do not care for. By the way, a helicopter is above us. We're outside in my backyard and about 20...

four feet apart and not spitting on each other and outside the breeze is taking care of it. And we have been testing each other every day. I test you, you test me. We're a happy family. I have a question. Yes, raise your hand. I did. Paul in the back. You used the term backyard, but I think of this as a patio because it's all concrete. Yeah.

Yeah, well, no, there's a yard right there. There's a yard behind you. Sure. But we're in a concrete park. I feel like we're on the patio. I guess maybe where I grew up as established previously, Orange County, we called— Previously at Orange County. We called everything that was behind the house the backyard. Hey, man, I hear that. So no matter what it was, was it the patio? I mean, yes, there were subsets of the backyard, but we called everything the backyard. Hey, I don't care what you are, grass, concrete, polka dot. Grass on the field. You're a backyard to me. Play ball. Play ball.

What are some of the things that you say that I could make fun of you over? I don't know. Let me just keep talking and you can interrupt me like you always do. Hey, look in a mirror as well. Hey, look in a mirror as well. Look, we have fun. Speaking of freedom.

Now, do you think anyone's going to yell toot-em when they see that these episodes are out? Because that's what people do to me and Lauren when we post our about-a-round-prop shows. Oh, really? They just yell toot-em at you? It's a different person every time. We'll post a picture and somebody says toot-em. I mean, it's nice, but it makes me feel bad. You can't do your own thing without me? I get it. Well, the people think we're excluding you. But aren't you? Yes. I don't want people to think it, though. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

No, I wouldn't do that show on a bet. Oh, I know. No one feel bad for me. You won't even do a live Threedom. I won't. That was one of the hardest no's. We were recording Threedom and it'd break. Lauren said, would you ever want to do a live Threedom? And Scott went, no. Live on Zoom, I mean.

Yeah. We've done one. We did one in Toronto. Yeah, that was really fun. That was really fun. I just want to... I was kind of nervous about that before we did it. I trusted that it was going to be okay, that it would just kind of naturally fall into place. Yeah. But it did feel...

Like such a strange thing to be doing this thing we'd only ever done by ourselves. Yeah. And putting it in front of an audience and how it would change the dynamic. And it didn't really. Didn't really. Well, I don't necessarily get nervous before anything anymore. Okay. Okay.

I think, no, just in my head, I'm usually just like, whatever happens, happens. It'll be fine. But there was a lot of discussion about the chairs. That's all I remember. A lot of discussion about the chairs. Lots of chair discussion. Yeah. Where now you're in charge of the chairs for Threedom and I'm in charge of the chairs for Comedy Bang Bang. That's true. Because you hate the chairs on Comedy Bang Bang. That's right, those stools. Because the show started getting longer and then we're sitting on these fucking wooden bar stools. And by the way, and I haven't talked about this previously, but on the last tour that we did. Previous to the last tour we did. Yeah.

I was having really severe knee problems and was in pain during every show. God damn. And every time I would jump off the stool in order to go into a scene or whatever we were doing, my knee would buckle and I would...

And I would twinge and remember how, how like some of the green rooms were like flights of stairs up from the stage. And I was having, and I was like gingerly going down them and all that kind of stuff. I remember you were like, I'm ginger. And here I go. Professor, I'm the Marianne and the rest.

No, but I was in constant pain during that tour, and then I went into physical therapy, and my knee got better. You were just like Ricardo Montalban on Fantasy Island. Yes, exactly.

He had some problem. Did you say Financer's Island? Yeah, Financer's Island. The magical place where you go to finance. Your trip to Fantasy Island. All right, here's how we're going to do it. You're going to have to sell some stuff. And then make eight payments at an APR. This is an insane amount of money, Fantasy Island. You know what they do there, right? It's like magic shit.

I think he had back problems. He had like chronic back problems and he was in pain the whole time he was doing that show. Right. Well, like the professional I am, I didn't let any of the audience know and apparently not you, even though I think that you knew. I probably forgot. You're playing dumb at this point. I'm sure you brought it up when we complained about the stools. Yes.

Did you ever see, you've seen Star Trek 2 The Wrath of Khan. Have you seen it recently? Pretty recently, yeah. He is having a fucking ball in that movie. Oh man, I would love to do any show where I had as much fun as he's had on that show. He is. Including this episode now. Yeah.

You don't think you're having a Ricardo Montalban and Wrath of Khan level of fun doing this? I don't know. But if you have not seen that movie or haven't seen it in a long time, check it out because it's so much fun to watch him. It's a tour de force. It really is. And I mean, you watch that movie and you know why they named a theater down the street after him.

Wherever you live. Wherever you live. There's one theater down the street from wherever you are. It's like every place has a Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. Every place has a Ricardo Montalban theater. Well, east of the Mississippi. East of the Mississippi. It's not the Ricardo Montalban theater, of course. It's Hardee's. Yes.

It's Best Foods Theater. We talked about that on the Italiano Jones episode. Oh, sure. Got to talk about it. We're counting down the top four episodes, Paul. Yeah, I know.

I can't believe it. Getting close to the end of 2020. How do you feel about that? I mean, good, but also bad. Do you remember, I think when we taped... My President Nixon? When we taped the Christmas episode last year in 2019, I think...

People were saying, oh, are you looking like 2019? Boy, looking forward to 2020. What a fire that occurs in a dumpster. And then I was like, I think 2020 is going to be really bad. I kind of remember this. And everyone's like, why? Why? I was like, well, the election is going to be fucking horrible. Yeah. And.

All year leading up to it is going to be dramatic and terrible. Which it was. And I didn't even conceive of the pandemic. Yeah. And you conceived of it, of course. You thought it up. I did. You're welcome, everyone. But yeah, it exceeded expectations for how horrible it would be. And it expected excisions. That's right. And we read Ephesians. Oh, the book of Ephesians. I love it. One of the best books of the Bible. What are the Ephesians up to, by the way?

Some books you could just, and we talked about this on another show, we should just rewrite the Bible. Like there hasn't been a new, I remember when I was in church in the 70s. Groovy. There was, yeah, it was groovy because there was an adaptation of the Bible called The Way, I think. Oh, that sounds familiar. It had The Way in that 70s font. It was written by Fastball. Yes.

But it was in that almost like Jonathan Livingston Siegel font. Yes, yes, yes. And there were pictures of young hippies in the letters. Yeah. And it was like, this is the hip Bible. Hey, man, we're the Ephesians. And it was a translation or an adaptation of the Bible that did all the verses and everything, but like updated it with hippie language. Right. It was so ridiculous. But we should do one ourselves. We should do one. Cut out all the stupid shit.

Have Jesus say, take it sleazy, catch you on the flip side. And have some new stuff in the Jesus verse. Yeah, yeah. How about like the apostles are like watching TV and stuff? Yeah. They're like watching Netflix and they're chilling. They're Netflix and chilling. And they invite their boo over. Yeah, make it real modern. You know, modern references. Right? TikTok. TikTok.

I would love to spend three years just translating the Bible. Do you think that TikTok is an adaptation of Dig Dug? We talked about that on one of these episodes. Did we really? Yes, because I just heard us talking about it.

Me and you? You brought this up. Someone said TikTok, and you thought they said Dig Dug. Dig Dug, okay. Yes. We heard this clip, I feel like, even. I can't remember. Fuck. It is really running together. That's scary, everybody. Sorry. I smell toast. Good thing I'm making toast. Boy, that was a close one. Ooh, I'm making toast. I smell bacon. I'm also making bacon. It's breakfast time. Ugh.

Get on the floor. Put on your breakfast shoes for more. Everybody get down on the floor and eat your breakfast and you snore. Snore wakes up the old man now. It's raining time. It's noon now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

We've lost our minds. We really have, everybody. By episode four, we have lost our minds because we do this all in one day. It's wild. Oh, my God. Didn't we start out just doing an hour? Yes. The first best of episode was an hour long. And how many episodes was it? Ten to one? I think we did ten to one. And we played like a three-minute clip of each one. Insanity. And now there are four three-hour episodes. Yeah, I mean, we are in control of this. I know. I know.

But the clips are so good. Honestly, there's so many minutes of clips on this particular episode. There's an hour and 50 minutes of clips on this episode. I left my mittens. Mittens? Yeah, it's winter. Oh, my gosh. But the clips are so good, I couldn't cut them down any further. Man, when you got clips that's good, you don't want to cut them down. You never want to cut them. Well, let's get to it. Let's get to the first clip that's so good. No fat on these clips. Top four. These are the good ones.

Finally. Finally we got there. All right, let's hear it. This is your episode four. Number four. Okay. Remember, remember the year of September. Remember the last episode, episode five was episode 649. Yeah, that's all I remember. This is episode 650.

One week later? One week later, April 13th. Smack dab in the middle of the 600s. That's right. And it's one of those special, like...

Not anniversary episodes, but, you know, rounded off. It's not even the hundreds, but it's 650. Right. It seems like a special episode. So you make it special. And what do we normally do on the 50s and the 100s? You get your good old pals, Jason Manzoukas and Andy Daly. That's right. And this one is no exception. This is from April 13th. This is called Bun Gun and a Hot Dog Bullet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Bun gun and a hot dog bullet. OK. Bun gun and a hot dog bullet. So this needs a little bit of explanation. So Jason Manzoukas, of course, we've heard him several times on the countdown. And Andy Daly, this is his first appearance this year. Andy Daly, one of the best improvisers around, does all these insanely dark characters. And.

And the year before, on the 10th anniversary episode, which was episode 599. If you must know. Andy was playing the surfer character that he plays, Hot Dog, based on my catchphrase, old catchphrase, What's Up, Hot Dog, that I gave to Weird Al Yankovic, which he says. Does he really use it? He does. I went to see him at the Greek and he used it there.

All right. Yep. Okay. How long ago was that? That was one of his last live shows that he did before the pandemic. Did he know that you were going to be there?

Oh, I mean, maybe. I'm just saying. Maybe, but no. You have to show up in the guise of a beggar to one of his shows and see if he says... I have to get old lie and put it on my face to make it bubble up. Exactly. And you wear a cloak, a ratty old cloak, and you must go in with sandals upon your feet, shoddy sandals. And I have to beg for the ticket. Yes, please, please, alms. And if I don't get in... Then you'll never know, I guess. I'll never know, of course. So...

Andy was playing hot dog and Jason was talking to Jason and I. And of course, Andy, Andy's character hot dog. And I think Andy himself loves Sean. A lot of Andy's characters love what he loves. Do you think that Andy loves Sean or he's just kind of fascinated by him? He knows so much about Sean that he must love them. OK, I don't know. I don't know. He you ask him off mic any question about Sean and he knows that so much about them that I don't know.

This is a good question. We should call him up. I feel like I know a lot about some people that I personally despise. Yes. The Proud Boys, QAnon. Exactly. Then Sha Na Na, same thing. Sha Na Na was the Proud Boys of the 50s. Of the 70s, about the 50s. Here's what people don't understand. Sha Na Na was the Proud Boys of the 70s, about the 50s.

It was a different time. It was the 70s, about the 50s. But everything's the same. Proud Boys now, new Sha Na Na. If everyone took them as seriously as Sha Na Na. They have their own variety show briefly on CBS. What a better world that would be if everyone just treated them like Sha Na Na. Was Sha Na Na in Greece? Oh, man, that's a good question. I think they were, but I don't know. They should have been, right? The country you mean.

Yeah, have they ever been there? They've played Grease before? Have they ever gone to Grease as a family? For Greek Week? Who knows? So we were talking about Shauna Na, and every year we've tried to get... Well, Andy talks in character, talks about how it's a crime that Shauna Na has not been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Right, right, right. And so on that episode, I believe we...

said that we should create a petition in order to get them in because that's how it's chosen a lot of times now is the fans all start petitions for their favorite acts to get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. So we had a bunch of Comedy Bang Bang listeners start a petition that thousands and thousands of people signed to get Sean and I into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Oh, and on that episode, we said in a year from now,

On the 650th episode, when we traditionally do an episode, let's meet and check back in. We also, you'll hear it, but something was going to happen, we established, if Sha Na Na was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If they were inducted. If they were inducted. So, cut to a year later.

The petition did not work, but we still did the episode and we're catching up with it. On this episode, Andy plays three characters. He plays his cowboy poet character, Dalton Wilcox. He plays August Lindt, who is the German pretzel inspector, salt inspector. Sorry. And we just talked about that last week. And he also plays the aforementioned hot dog guy.

This is bonkers. Let's hear it. This is your episode four. Number four. It's great to see you. The bro-down, ho-down continues apace. We are going to be doing this all the entire show. Get out of here, you sons of bitches!

Dalton Wilcox? What? Who? It's me, Dalton Wilcox, you goddamn city slickers. Jesus Christ, Jay. Wait a minute. Barreling through the door. That's right I did. Sorry, Dalton, we're in the middle of a bro-down, ho-down. We're on hour one of an uninterrupted seven-hour podcast. Gentlemen, I've been to a lot of ho-downs in my time, and this is no goddamn ho-down. Oh, interesting. But have you been to a bro-down? I don't know what that is, and I don't want to know. I'm full up knowing stuff. You are fired.

Yeah, man! Hold on, you're not knowing... You don't want to know anything else until the end of your life? That's precisely right. I am full up knowing things. So are you not reading anything or watching any kind of informational television? Hell no. Never in hell. Never in hell. Even trivia? Like TV trivia? I know all the trivia I need to know. Go ahead, test me. Okay. Um... Okay, if, uh...

If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make all those inventions, why couldn't he make a boat? Well... That's not trivia. That's sort of trivia. That's not trivia at all. That's complaining.

That's not trivia. Oh, aren't you so smart that you can point out the plot holes in Gilligan's Island? Yeah, ridiculous. If Mike Brady was such a great architect... This, again, is not going to be trivia. It has to be a fact that was established on a television program, and you're going to ask me about that. Just because of Rule of Threes, he has to do one more thing that proves that he was a child in the 70s. I understand, I understand. Go ahead.

On Gilligan's Island, when they say, and the rest, who were the rest? And the rest. The rest was Mary Ann and the professor. Well, they changed the lyrics midway through. They added them. From and the rest to the professor and Mary Ann. How do you feel if you're the professor?

Professor Marianne and you get and the rest status. Well, they were fucking furious and that's why they had to go change the damn song. I'm sure it was, you know, like a contractual, you know, like they were probably. Do you think that they filmed, you know, 50 episodes of it? Then suddenly it started to air and they're like, what the

What the fuck is this? They had never seen that. Well, yep. That's exactly what happened. 50 episodes? You think they shot two years before they realized they weren't in the air? That's how television used to work in those days. You would shoot 50 episodes before the first one premiered and hope it did well because you're in the hole millions of dollars. Is that what happened with Bonanza? I know you're a big Bonanza head. Not only am I a big Bonanza head, but I love Bonanza.

That show. I think that's what being a big bonnet's head means. Yes, 431 episodes and they shot 200 of them before they even premiered the first one. Wow. Because they knew it was going to be a barn burner. So that was on the, that was on the air for 10 years or so, or was it not? Uh,

I don't know years. I know numbers of episodes. But you don't know years? I don't know. Let me throw one out at you. Okay, right. 1963. I'll take your word for it that that was a year. Yeah. I don't know. Sure. Sounds like I've heard, yeah. You understand a year as a measurement of time.

Well, yes, I do. And funny you should say that, because I was here in this goddamn chair one year ago today. Wait, really? Roundabout, sort of. Yeah, that's right. Wait a minute. The last time we saw you, I believe, was on episode 600, which, no, no, no. I'm sorry, episode 599. No, y'all were having your 10th anniversary. 10th anniversary, episode 599. Yeah, so 51 episodes ago, a true mid-hundo.

And, yeah, and I forget what we talked about. You do? I certainly do. You do? Wow. That makes me mad on top of mad. Wow. Wow.

Well, I was given an assignment when I left here last time, goddammit, and it was a hard fucking assignment. By us? Yeah, by you, goddammit! Let's recap what happened the last time you were here, because I don't even remember booking you. I think that we... Oh, that's right, weren't we talking to our friend Hot Dog initially? Oh, yeah. That's exactly right. Good guy. He came in suddenly because we were talking about the catchphrase, what's up, Hot Dog? Don't say it!

Don't say it. I said it very quietly, though. Don't say it. Don't say it. Okay. Because you say it and he shows up. Oh, that's right. And wait. I'm not ready for him to show up. I have to explain. Speaking of saying things and showing up, we said your name for whatever reason and you appeared. I know. You conjured me last time. This time I came here on my own power.

I can't believe you guys don't remember what the mission you sent me on a year ago was. Because it was literally to save the goddamn world and the human race. You guys son of a bitch. Haven't we done that already? It seems to be ringing a kind of a bell. The situation was that this son of a bitch who's named after a food that you'd eat at a weenie roast. And I'm not going to say it. No, don't conjure him. Oh, okay. Sorry. He had a plan.

He was going to get some band, some rock and roll band, to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that thing that was supposed to be yesterday. That's what it was, Shauna Na. Shauna Na. He wanted to get Shauna Na inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Oh, yeah, we signed a petition for that. I think we might have championed that for a while. Yeah, that's right, yeah. That was a big fucking mistake because it turns out that Shauna Na had prophesied.

the whole entire Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And if they got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, all of their songs was going to come true. Whoa. And it was going to destroy the world. Oh.

This is not ringing any... I believe you. Yeah. It's not ringing any bells. It's shocking to me that you could forget this. Well, I think... I sort of remember. We were talking to that guy. Yeah. And he... HD? HD, of course. Yeah, HD Wells. High definition. Yeah. And we were trying to get Sean Hanna into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this year.

For 2020 because they were not inducted in 2019. And we said a year ago that we were going to try to get them inducted. And then we had some sort of side conversation about where if they were to stand upon the stage at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and sing that something would happen. Yeah. All of their goddamn songs would come true. Including Earth Angel. We would all be angels would come to Earth. Oh, we were we angels would come to Earth. And yeah. Oh, that's hot. Never when

Everyone would die and become an angel, I believe. And we'd all be teen angels, specifically. Right, yeah. And everyone would get a job. Everyone would get a job. Meaning be enslaved by Satan or something like that? That's exactly what that means. Tell me more about these teen angels. Children would be born to hand jive. The moon would turn blue. Blue moon. Oh, no. Okay. Thank you for explaining. Oh, no. No problem. There would be skeletons walking around. Boney maronis. Oh, no.

Yeah, it would be terrible. And of course, God only, I even hate to say it, but that purple people eater would be- That would exist? Yeah, be running amok, literally eating people. And we would also find out who wrote the book of love. Oh, that's right. The book of love is- You don't want to know who wrote the book of love. The fiery book of love. I would love an answer to that. Yeah.

Not only did you tell me I had to kill this goddamn hot dog guy to stop him from getting shot on stage. To kill him. Yes, you did. But you told me that I- That doesn't sound like us. I specifically had to kill him with a bullet made out of a hot dog shot out of a gun made out of a bun. Oh.

Right. Now, that sounds interesting. Were you able to do that? God, this has been the most pain in the ass year of my life. I'll be honest, that sounds impossible. Did we ask you to construct these things or to find them if they already existed? You did not even specify. And in a way, I wish you had at least given me some direction to go in. That's like an episode of Forged in Fire where they give men like cray

And they forced them to make swords out of them. Right, yeah. We gave you a hot dog bun and said, make a gun out of this? Well, you didn't even give me the bun. You just told me it's got to be a bullet made out of a hot dog. A hot dog bullet and a bun gun. Yeah, bun gun. Bun gun. Yep, well. So you obviously were unable to do this, right? Uh-huh.

Incorrect. What? I contacted. I did a little snooping around, and I found out about a German guy in Dusseldorf, Germany who works at a personal factory. Whoa, why'd you have to snoop? Couldn't you just have, like, asked around? No, you gotta snoop. Because you don't want anybody to know what you're up to. Okay. People aren't going to ask questions. Are you talking about August Lindt? Who? Yeah, that's the fella's name. Oh, wait.

I remember him. Well, I brought him here. He's outside because I didn't know how to explain the science. You know what, man? August is here. You brought people with you? Well, I brought August. Yeah, I brought because he's... Jesus, all right. He's been on the show before. Bring him in here. I'd like to talk to him. All right, hang on. Yeah, I'd like to say... August Lent, of course. You know, it's kind of nice that Dalton Wilcox has made friends.

He's reaching out to people. He's a lonely... I wouldn't consider us friends. Hello! How's it going, you guys? So great to see you again. It's me, August Lind. Yeah, it's wonderful to be here. Luckily, I was on vacation, so it was nice to be here to come and see you guys. Is the coronavirus disrupting your vacation at all? Well, Dalton just told me he killed it, so that's really good. Oh, okay, that's why you're over here. But no, I have been, over the past few months, I have been a coronavirus tourist. Do you know about this? Yes.

Oh, coronavirus tourism. Yeah, corona tourism. Yes. You're going to places where you think they... I'm just going to the real coronavirus hotspots and starting out in Wuhan. Sure. And then it's been all about, you know, Italy. I've had a wonderful time. I don't think you should be here, man. Well, if you're... Why? Because you're afraid I have this thing?

Yeah. Obviously. Honestly, if you are going from hotspot to hotspot, like that's not good. I have what's known as a super case. Oh, no. Yeah, a super case. Like an exacerbated, intense...

Yeah. A concentrated dose of this? Yeah, that's right. So... That's bad. Yeah. Yeah, but it's fine. Oh, it's fine. Oh, okay. It sounds like it's fine. Because I am... I have been... Listen, over the course of my life, I have been to so many disease areas...

And I have been... Is this a hobby for you? Oh, I just, it's just, I like to go on vacation to interesting places. Some people go to, like, sites of famous battles or things like for you. August, haven't you always been going to dangerous places and trying to... Well, you know, I just like to, you know, the issue is that I always have a wonderful time on vacation. And so my boss, Mr. Schmeiderberg at Schmeiderberg Pretzels, has sort of challenged me to try to go to some place that I would not like. And it hasn't happened.

Germany famously has like so many weeks of vacation. Well, not at the Schmeiderberg pretzels. We only get about this year. I think we're only going to get about 10 months of vacation. And what do you do with the pretzel factory again? I'm a salt inspector. You inspect the salt. You don't put it on the pretzels. Are you kidding me? No. What is this? One day, maybe. What is the process again? Are you inspecting the salt before or after or both?

Before or after what? That it's put on the pretzel. Oh, before, yeah. Once it's put on the pretzel, there's no further inspection of the salt. It is considered to be pretzel-versus-salt. Okay, so you're inspecting it before? Because I thought there was a situation where the pretzels come one at a time.

And there was a... Yeah, of course they do. And there was someone in the booth, like a dummy or something like that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What exactly is it? We don't have to remember mythology. We don't have to remember all of this. It's been a while since I've been to the office.

So every time you come back after your 10-month vacation, you have to refresh your memory about the works. I don't remember how to do my job. I go back through training after vacations. How long does training last? Training is about six weeks, and then I'm on the job for usually like two weeks, and then it's back on vacation.

Look, the point is that I was able to make a hot dog bullet and a band gun. You were able to do this hot dog. I was able. It was very difficult because a hot dog doesn't want to be a bullet, you know? No, a hot dog is primarily a, I don't know why I'm explaining the concept of hot dogs. Everybody knows really well. We all know what hot dogs are. Where did you start with the bullet or the gun?

I started with the bullet because I thought, what's the point to have the gun if you can't fire the bullet? There's no bullet. So a hot dog does not want to be a bullet. It wants to sort of, it's a, it wants to disintegrate, I would imagine, and be eaten. Yes. Hot dogs want to be eaten. Yes. And then if the, uh,

The bun gun was actually not that hard. Really? That seems to me like it would be the hard part. No, the bun gun was easy. I don't think I could make a gun if you paid me a million dollars. I suspect there has to be like, yeah, like a hammer and... If I had a 3D printer and could get some plans off the internet, maybe I could make a gun. Hang on, guy. The trick was just to get a bun with no preservatives and let it go stale and put a trigger on it. And that was really it. That was it? That was all it took. Yeah, it works fine. Just a trigger? Yeah.

Yeah, you've got to put a trigger on it. What's the trigger connected to? To the bun, stupid question. Okay, all right. So is that easy? That was really easy. I guess put a trigger on anything. It could be a gun. Put a trigger on it. Wow. Well, great to see you. No, God damn it. We've got to do this thing. What are we doing? We've got to kill Hot Dog. You keep saying his name. Well, you've got to say, if you want to conjure him, you've got to. You have to say it about 11 or 12 times because we've said it a lot. You've got to ask him what's.

Oh, the old catchphrase. Okay, before we do it, though, we need a plan. What are we doing? All right. When he comes in here, I'm going to hide in that closet with Dalton Wilcox and this can of beans. You're Dalton Wilcox. That's what I mean. What about August Lent? Me, Dalton Wilcox, August Lent, and this can of refried beans are going to go hide in that closet. That can is open and obviously drunk. Okay.

August, you may not want to go into that closet. No, listen, I've seen it a few times already. Okay. So you're going to go in the closet, and then we're going to summon a hot dog, and then... And when the time is right, I'm going to burst out of that closet. When the time is right. This is the part where the plan gets a little vague for me. What are we supposed to do? You just keep him busy. Keep him busy? You keep him busy because it takes a little while to get the fish, the hot dog bullet out of the dry ice. Do it now before you go.

Get ready now. He's not here yet. If he walks in here and I'm sitting here, he's going to turn around and walk right out. Listen to me. One of us at some point is going to say, what's up, hot dog? Uh-oh. Oh, Jason, you did it too early.

Fuck! Hey, what's going on, you guys? It's me, Hot Dog! Hey, Hot Dog! Hot Dog! How's it going? Great to see you, man! Good man! Who's running into that closet? Oh, that's the janitor here at the studio. Yeah, that's the janitor's closet. There's two of them. There's two people running into that closet. And the can of beans. And the can of beans. Two people in a can of beans? Three different paychecks. Yeah. But yeah, they work as a team. They work as a team. Three different appearance fees.

It's great to be here, you guys. It's great to see you. I've been real, real busy, man. I've had a busy, busy, busy year. We talked to you about a year ago. You know I've been busy trying to get Sha Na Na onto the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We talked about that last time you were here. It didn't happen for 2019 and you were upset about that. We were going to try to see if they could get on in 2020. Right. Yeah, but anyway, I have managed to get Sha Na Na on.

into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame through the hardest possible way of doing it. But this was the only way to do it. I had a hunch that the Doobie Brothers were going to be inducted. And so over the course... Yeah. It did happen. Yeah. Over the course of this year, I have one by one replaced every member of the Doobie Brothers with a member of Sean Arnott. What? Slowly, so that no one would notice. How did you do that?

Well, I started off with Jeff Baxter of the Doobie Brothers. Well, that's, yeah, he's easy pickin'. Bax? Bax is easy. Nobody pays attention to Jeff Baxter. I replaced him with Donnie York, and it went just fine. None of the other Doobies noticed. I can understand that. I mean, luckily, these two bands have the exact same number of members, and it's a lot of members. Ooh, follow the money. It all adds up. And what did you do with Baxter's?

Well, all of these guys, all of the Doobie Brothers are in a dungeon in the Sha Na Na house. Okay, so they're still alive. So you haven't swapped them. What do you mean? The Doobies aren't currently touring as Sha Na Na. That's a complete swap. People would be furious if they came to a Sha Na Na show. I didn't know if this was a life swap or not.

If people came to a Sha Na Na show and it turned out to be the Doobie Brothers, they would be fucking furious. Right. So the Doobie Brothers, they've had a busy year because, I mean, Sha Na Na, they've been carrying on as Sha Na Na and as the Doobie Brothers. It's been difficult. They've been doing double shows. They've been doing double shows. So it's very difficult because, you know, well, sometimes a casino will have two rooms and they'll play them both. But anyway. Also, the Doobies, Baxter, notoriously hate doo-wop music. Oh, I know.

Well, so he had to pretend. Donny York had to pretend to hate doo-wop music. Very difficult. Then with Yorkie, we swapped John Hartman for Gene Jaramillo. Okay. We swapped Tom Johnson for Jocko. These are pretty much even swaps here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't be disappointed either way to see either of these bits. That's right. Keith Knudson, we swapped for downtown Michael Brown. Okay. Michael McDonald, of course. This is the hard one. Yeah, Michael McDonald. Well, that's Rockin' Randy. Okay.

Solid swap. Right? Solid swap. They seem to have different kinds of voices, though. I don't know. But it's straight. Yes. Yes. When you go see the Doobie Brothers, how does Ronald. Michael McDonald has such an iconic voice. He's got. Yeah. I know. But this is the thing. Nobody suspects that this is going to happen. Like, if you had some clue that maybe somebody has been one by one swapping out the members of the Doobie Brothers with Sean Arnott, you would notice.

But nobody thinks, nobody suspects that. Yeah, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition. People who listen to this podcast, I mean, admittedly, like the couple hundred people that do, they would find out by you telling them right now. No, but it doesn't matter because this podcast is coming out after the secret induction ceremony in the catacombs of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Right. John McPhee swapped him out with Screamin' Scott Simon. Oh, of course, yeah.

Tyron Porter swapped him out with Tim Butter. By the way, this is already more members than I thought would be. It is a lot of members. This is the last one. Patrick Simmons, of course. You know we had to swap him out with Ty Cox. That's not a completely equal swap, but I get it. But it's the one that makes the most sense. That's so cool. Thanks for popping by. God damn it, you son of a bitch! What? Whoa! We had no idea that this guy was here. I'll be honest. I forgot Dalton was here. That's got to be the janitor.

Hot dog? Well, yeah. Get ready. For what? For your end, my friend. For the end of your life, hot dog. What do you mean? What's up, hot dog? Your death, hot dog. What are you talking about? How about what's down, hot dog? As in six feet under. Yeah. Are you guys trying to tell me I'm going to get killed today? We're just keeping you busy.

These were our instructions. He's clearly trying to fumble putting this hot dog bullet in his hot dog. He hasn't even taken it out of the dry ice yet. Well, the problem is it's very fucking cold on the fingers. Well, wear those gloves. Use tongs. Wear those gloves. I told him he should put the gloves on. He says that they're too feminine. What have you guys been- Put on the gloves to handle it. God, Dalton Wilcox, August Lindt, this is hot dog. Yeah, and you're up. Listen, you son of a bitch.

This is a hot dog bullet, and I'm going to shoot it out of this bun right at your heart. Here we go. Ready? I am pressing the trigger on the hot dog gun right now. It was very quiet. It's almost like if you put a trigger on a bun, it's like a silencer. The bun sort of cushions the sound. It absorbs the sound, but he did shoot him. Well, guys...

Yeah, there's definitely a hot dog fragment in my heart. Yeah, he got it. I think I was getting to the point that you were lying about moving your heart, right? That was in order to throw him off the... I moved it. Slightly? I think we had moved it 16 millimeters. Why? Why?

Well... That's not enough. You can't move a heart that much and still have it function like a heart. I mean, it was hard enough to find a doctor to do that. Especially someone who is, like, competing at the high level you are physically. Where did you get this procedure done? Was that on a boat somewhere? Yeah, it was out on a boat. Way out on... International waters? Well, that's right, where the laws don't apply. Who performed... What doctor did you find? Well, I don't know if he was necessarily really a doctor. He was...

Was he wearing snakeskin pants? Well, he was dressed head to toe in snakeskin. Oh, no. That sounds like a friend of ours from the Arclight. Pasadena. Oh, really? Hot dog. Are you... Are you okay, man? I can feel the life draining. Oh, no. Listen, man, we want to just tell you that we had no choice. Yeah, sorry that we had to align ourselves with Dalton Wilcox here and August Lindt, who...

But unfortunately, we want to remain alive past tonight. I get it. I understand. By the way, hot dog, before you expire, I did want to ask, you're the guy who wanted your body to be turned into hot dogs, right? Oh, yeah. Well, August... This is very convenient. August is the guy that you have the contract with. Yeah, that's great. I'll bring your body back to Germany and we'll take care of it there.

Well, this works out great. This is a very good view. And you still want your penis to be served to Mitt Romney, right? I want most of my body to be served to the members of Shaanana. And that I do specifically want my penis served to Mitt Romney. I don't remember why. I don't remember why either, but it was something. Oh, that's because hot dog was his favorite meat. Yes, I believe so. Oh, he said that hot dog was his favorite meat? Yeah. Well, we're going to find out if he really means it when he eats my penis on a bun.

What a solid prank. Number four. And that's just this. It continues on from there. And I'll leave the end of the episode for you to listen to. But that is just the tip of the Nutsberg. That's right. Just the tip of the Nutsberg. All right. Let's take a break. When we come back, we'll do number three. Very quickly about Shauna Na. Please.

I saw a clip of them, like old studio footage of them. It was an old studio and new footage? Old studio and old footage. Oh, okay, great. But they were very young. It was in the year they taped it. It was an old studio, so now it's even older? Exactly. It's probably not even there anymore. It probably died. Okay. But they are doing these. They're covering these old doo-wop songs, but they're doing them at this breakneck pace, and they look like punks.

Right. It's like they were almost doing like a Pogues thing before the Pogues did of taking this old music and fucking speeding it up. Yeah, yeah. But it's really wild to see. They're not like wearing 1950s outfits. Right. They look like fucking Pogues. And then they just like leaned into the whole 50s of it because 50s nostalgia was really big. Hey, remember how we were doing something different with this? Let's not. Let's just do the same thing. Let's do the same with it. Yeah. But I'll try to find that clip and put it online when this goes out. Oh, I'd love that. Yeah. All right, let's take a break. Fucking...

You son of a bitch. All right, so we'll take a break. We'll be right back. You know what? No matter where you are or who you are or when you are or how you are, all of the reporters' questions, you can feel like you are living the coastal California lifestyle with Viore Performance Apparel. Everything that Viore makes is designed to work out in. But you know what? It doesn't.

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21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. Paul F. Tompkins, best of part four. This is the top three we're getting to. Wow. Now, Scott, before we go any further with the countdown, there's something I have to do. Okay, what's that? Well, he's walking closer to me, and he's putting a thing on.

He's moved an end table further away from him but closer to me. Now, I know we have to be careful because of the times we're living in. Okay. But I brought a friend with me. Oh. And I hope you won't mind. I don't mind at all. A little friend. Oh.

It's the, what did we call him? It was the frosty guy who sings in points, right? He's a snowman. Right. Of course, we have the snowman game. Right.

Right. Where the snowman sings, let it snow. Right. And dances around and whomever the. You hope that he will look at you. And because if he looks at you, it's incredibly validating. Right. Yes. At the end of the song, he stops and looks at someone. He looks at, he looks at, he stops at various points. Right. You always want him to look at you. And if when his song is over and he's looking at you, that's just. Oh, that's the nuts. That's, that's those nuts. That's the nuts. These nuts flush.

All right, so are you ready? I am. I'm going to start them up. Why did you put it so far away from yourself? Because that thing is heavy? It just makes it more dramatic. Yeah, okay, yeah, it's closer to me. All right, here we go. It's just you're so far away from the mic, and I have to eat up all the time. Okay, he's started. He's dancing. We can't hear exactly. I'm going to turn this up, though. Oh, he almost looked at me, but he didn't. He's singing Let It Snow. He's twirling around. Now he's looking at the squirrel.

And he's twirling around again. Oh, no. He's got one more turn. He's got one more turn. Upstairs, he's got one more turn, and he comes back. Oh. Well, unfortunately, he looked at my neighbor's property. Yeah, those creeps. Did you get a good look, huh? You like what you see? You like this? This kind of shit you like? Well, that was exciting.

We'll play another round. We'll play another round. Not right now. Okay. Yeah, let's keep on keeping on. All right, let's do it. This is the next. We're in the top three. Crazy. This is the episode that you have voted for. This is your episode three. Number three. All right, episode three.

Number 643. Yeah. This is from March 2nd. March 2nd in the 600s. Now, this should give you a clue as to what happened just two days before. Two days before was the end of February. Right. And everyone was like, oh, thank God it's over. But what happened? What was the date two days before, if you had to guess? Well, I have two choices. Yep.

I'm going to go for the weird choice because I like to think outside the jack in the box. Outside the box. I'm going to say it was February 29th. Yes, it was because this is a leap year. Yeah. Does that give you an idea of what episode this is? No. Oh, okay. Well, it should. This is an episode called The Order of the Keepers.

The Order of the Keepers. That was this year? That was this year. Wow. It feels so long. I was listening to this clip. It feels so long ago, and yet it was just this last March 2nd when we dropped it. It's like we were different people. Truly was. This was in the studio. And this... Let's talk about this, because it's... This is one of the benefits of doing...

the podcast for over a decade now because you can do things like this. So four years ago,

Four or five years ago, Neil Campbell, who is the other participant on this show. Barack Hussein Obama was president. Yes. This is myself, Paul F. Tompkins, and Neil Campbell. Neil Campbell, he was the head writer for the Comedy Bang Bang television show, a really funny improviser. He's in the improvised group. Shakespeare? No. He's in Last Day of School is his group. And currently he's a producer on Brooklyn Nine-Nine and directed a few episodes. Really funny guy.

But four years ago, he started doing a character called the Time Keeper. And Maxwell Keeper, who is fascinated with time, inexplicable as to why it was funny. It's something only Neil could have come up with. It's true. He pitched me the idea. I was like, OK. I mean, he didn't pitch it, but he said, this is what I'm going to do. And...

He doesn't have any sort of magical powers. No. He comes in with a voice like this where you think it's going to be a guy with magical powers. Yeah, and he wears a cloak with starfield lining. Right. A velvet cloak with starfield lining. But he's just a guy who works at his brother-in-law's watch repair shop. He loves time. Anything to do with time. So the character became a fan favorite.

Um, and, uh, that when we talked about Neil Campbell killing in front of, uh, his parents, that was in Boston. It was unbelievable. He has one of the best, like final lines of the show anyway. So four years ago, before Neil got busy doing Brooklyn nine, nine, um, he would, he would do the show a lot more. And, um, uh, leap day was coming up in 2016, February 29th. And, uh,

I think in previous appearances had been talking about how what a wonderful day that was. Because it was extra time. Because it was extra time. If you're a time-based character, you got to love Leap Year. So when Leap Year was coming up, we said, okay, let's do an episode with the timekeeper. And so he brought in a bunch of improvisers who were doing...

The time is association. I think they were called the time is where is all people who love time. Yeah. And they did a funny episode and then we we left and went home. And then I think Neil called me up and said, hey, at the end of the episode, should we do a Marvel style tag episode?

You know how in the Marvel movies at the end of Iron Man, Nick Fury comes in and recruits Iron Man to be part of the Avengers initiative. And he goes, well, could we get Paul F. to be his J.W. Stillwater character? Was this Neil's idea? This was Neil's idea, yes. Aw, I didn't know that. And tell us about J.W. Stillwater. J.W. Stillwater is a vigilante hero from Cumberbatch County, Florida. He is a guy who by day is a fanboat mechanic.

And by night is a vigilante hero patrolling the swamps of this very tiny area because the police are all corrupt. Right. Which, by the way, recently I was watching Clone Wars and I saw Jabba the Hutt's. Right.

or nephew or whatever, and he travels around on a laser-powered fan boat, and so I had to take a video. And he has a southern accent. He talks like Truman Capote, and I was like, that's weird that the Star Wars franchise allowed...

the voiceover artist to basically just do Truman Capote. Like, it seems like the voiceover artist is kind of like sneaking one in there, and so I read about it. And no, it was, he originally talked in Huttese, like Jabba, until George Lucas said, Oh, I think it would be funny if he talked like Truman Capote. Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, boy. So then... He got hard to the law. His entire family has southern accents. He goes and talks to his mom. She's like in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. And hey, here's that plane. It's back. What do you think he forgot? His balls in the living room. Oh, come on. Living room balls? So in any case...

Neil wanted your J.W. Stillwater character, because he's one of the superheroes in the Comedy Bang Bang universe, to come recruit you into something called the Order of the Keepers. Right. And so we did a tag. I can't remember if you guys were even together when we taped it or you did your part separately. I feel like we might have done it separately. I think you did it separately where Neil was like, huh, who's this? And then we taped you a week later coming in and saying...

You know, I want to recruit you into the order of the keepers. I want to recruit you. We had no... That's a good impression of Dave. That's what he sounds like. Hey, look out. We had no plan to follow it up. Neil didn't have any idea to follow it up. We never spoke of it again. Never spoke of it again. But in the back of my head, I was like, if we're still doing the show four years later, let's try to do that on leap day again. Mm-hmm.

And so as it approached, I reached out to Neil and said, hey, should we do this? And he was game. And I reached out to you and you were game. And we did this episode where we were following up on you recruiting him into the Order of the Keepers. None of us knew what to talk about or how it was going to go. But...

I listened to this clip and we're all going to hear this clip, but it's just one of the, one of those great episodes where like the three of us are having so much fun. Yeah. So we're going to hear...

We're going to hear it now. This is Neil Campbell doing the timekeeper, and then J.W. Stillwater comes in. This is your episode three. Number three. Remind me exactly, the last time you were on the show, I believe you were, it was around your birthday. Yes, Leap Day. Leap Day is your birthday, February 29th. Yes, I turned 32.

Now 36. Okay, so you are 36 and you don't celebrate the ones in between. Mm-mm. Okay. You can say no or... Nay. Okay. So you are now 36. You just had a birthday. Tis true, tis true. Wonderful news. How did you celebrate?

I looked at time all day. Every clock I could see, digital clocks, grandfather clocks. How many could you see? I ran up and down the street, house to house, knocking on doors.

I say, can I look at every clock in thine house? And who let you in? How many people? Just two. Just two? My old babysitter let me in. Okay, it's two more than I thought would let you in. Yes. So your old babysitter. It was a two more. Okay, thank you. Mr. Schwarzenegger.

So that sounds like a wonderful way to spend the day. It was a wonderful time. For those of you who don't know Maxwell Keeper, describe your deal. Oh, gladly. I love and celebrate time.

That's all. Short and succinct. Yes, I love time. My brother-in-law, Desmond Longo, runs Longo Watch Repair in Tallahassee, Florida, and I work there as an intern calling people when they have their watch in. I'll call them every 10 minutes and let them know what time it is.

Right, because they don't have a watch. They don't have a watch. So they need to know what time it is. And why are you not just staying on the line with them and counting down the seconds? Because I have a lot of calls to make. I hang up and I call someone else. Do you stagger them then? Yes, yes. There's much staggering about. How many watches are under repair at any given time?

Oh, your eyes just lit up again. I was thinking, well, they lit up and then they started to feel tears thinking of those broken watches. But Desmond fixes them post haste. Certainly. So, but how, how many are there under repair? Uh,

Oh, roughly 17 at any given time. 17. So you're not calling everyone on the 10s. Exactly. Are you? Are you staggering it so that you call one of the people when it's like 10-10? Yes, it depends on what time they dropped it off. Oh, really? Yes, it begins 10 minutes to the minute after they drop it off. So some people...

Maybe drop it off at 1010 and some people drop it off at 1020 in the morning. So you're calling those people on the 10s. Back to back, yeah. Right. I'm rolling calls, baby. Okay. Just like Jeremy Piven. Does he sing Jeremy Piven? Does he sing? I don't know. Does he sing Jeremy Piven? This one's escaping me. Ha ha ha ha.

His brother-in-law is a famous person, too, though. Who's that? To whom is he married? Oh, I was thinking his... Adam McKay. Okay.

Oh, okay, yeah. I know there's some sort of familial connection there. I think. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't speculate. Look, you know... I'm not a prospector. No, you are very good at time-related issues. Yes. Maybe not so much of the entertainment trivia. Well, that's kind of what I've been getting into lately, though. What does that mean? So, we've covered, though, you work for your brother. Oh, yes. Four years ago, a wonderful amount of time. No, I'm unpaid. Um...

And four years ago, an organization had recruited me, the Timeys. Right. That's the last time we talked to you on your birthday. The Timeys. They turned out that they just wanted money. They thought time was money. I rejected time. I'm happy to say I'm back. You're back, baby. I'm back. You like time again. I like time, and I'm working for a special interest group. Oh, okay. This is very interesting. We're talking K Street. K Street.

Wow, in Washington, D.C.? Yeah, right there. The K stands for the K in clock. That's what I always say. Ha, ha, ha.

Now, you're not talking about a misspelling clock to where it starts with a K. You're talking about the K at the end of clock. Yes. Very good. Very good. You can't spell clock without two Cs, can you? Mm-mm. Mm. Um, now, or one CC, I guess. Oh. For all the people in the medical profession. Mm-mm. Mm-hmm. What about that band 10 CCs? I haven't listened to nary a tune of theirs. The Things We Do For Love? Huh? Huh?

You also, you don't have a girlfriend or anything like that. Nay, nay. Right. Were you dating anyone? I can't recall. I had a crush on Lisa Porsche.

Oh, that's right. Lisa Porsche. But she was murdered. I don't remember this. No, it happened in the last four years. Oh, she was murdered in the last four years? Yes, yes. It was sad. What happened? Not by you. No, nay. I was saddened by it. No, it was mysterious. By whom was she murdered?

We don't know. She just passed away one night. But you said murdered. I mean, you can't say she just passed away. Well, sure, there was a knife in her chest.

All right. Well— I never really—you know, I just had a crush on her. You had a crush on her. You didn't keep up with her? No. Yeah, okay. So now you're working for—are you working out of D.C.? I call them and say, what's Kate Street want me to do today? That's every single day? Is that every 10 minutes as well? I fit that in between the other calls. Okay. And so I'm working for a special interest group. We're trying to raise awareness of time.

It's an election year. It's a year of a census as well. Yes, we love that people say the word year a lot. Right, okay, so that's very good. That's big for us. Were you excited when the new year rolled around and it was 2020 and you knew every week there'd be an advertisement for the year? Yes, yes. On ABC on Thursdays? Exactly. Is that still on? Yes, Hugh Downs' hologram hosted.

So you are trying to spread awareness of the concept of time. Yes, so we meet with different cultural elites and try to get them to put mentions of time in their works or to bring it up on the debate stage with candidates. You know, you don't see a lot of – I guess every script potentially has a ticking clock.

element at the end where like the protagonist needs to achieve something in a certain amount of, well, time. But you don't see a lot of characters in movies or television like looking at their watches, glancing at their watches. Well, and also if you ever see

a rough cut of a film. They have the time code on it. But by the time they get released, it's not on the print anymore. How do you know that? You've seen rough cuts of films? Yes, they showed me in the...

in our offices, in our secret theater. They said, look at this. You need to go out to Hollywood and meet with all the studio execs and say, keep the time code on the print when you release the film. So I've been pushing for that. You've been pushing for people to release the time code. Release the time code. But I, you know, I met with Tarantino, who's finishing up a film. Oh, he is, really? Well, he was. No, this was over the last four years. Oh. And he was going to call it Those Misbehavin' Mansons.

And I said, well, you should put the word time in the title. And how did he take that? I mean, I don't know that he tends to listen to a lot of people trying to

He kissed me on the lips and said, thank you, I will. Wow. And he called it Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Oh, and you know what? He even sort of highlighted that word time by putting an ellipsis right after it in order to separate it from the rest of the title. Now we're going to call the upcoming film Wonder Woman 2. I said, put a year at the end of it. Oh.

Okay, so 1984 is right. So we've been getting all the time out. Wow. You've been successful in those two endeavors. Yeah, I said, Justin Bieber, go meet with Dan and Shay and make it...

Make a song about a length of time any amount will do. And I don't recall what that... 10,000 hours. 10,000 hours. I mean, that's, I mean, it's either feast or famine with time sometimes. And if you're looking at 10,000 hours, I mean, your eyes must be bigger than their stomach. Tis true, indeed. Indeed.

Do I hear a secret? Do I want to hear a secret? That's a good question. This is real insider stuff. I guess I want to hear a secret. Sure. Yeah. Hit me. What do you got? You know, Malcolm Gladwell. Sure. Takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Of course. Do you think he took 10,000 hours in order to become an expert on being an expert? Yes. Great. Yeah.

It actually is 10,007 hours. What? We did the math. 10,007? Yes, if you do something only for 10,000 hours, you won't be an expert. You have to do seven more hours. Do you think he was rounding down? I think so, to sell units.

I mean, I guess that sounds a lot more achievable than 10,007. Yeah. But I just, I feel terrible for those neglected seven hours. Seven hours is a wonderful amount of time, after all. Sure, of course. I mean, name the types of things one could do in seven hours. You could work from nine to four. You could watch Godfather II twice. Yes. You could watch The Irishman at half speed once. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Not all of it, probably. No, yes. You'd have to speed it up towards the end. Yeah. Cut it off before the credits. Yeah. Yeah.

So that sounds amazing. You've been able to be so successful, and you're out there doing it personally as well. Yeah, I'm out there, yes. And we got a big coup coming up, a big get for us. Really? The next Bond movie has a certain word in the title. Oh, that's right. Was that your doing? Mm-hmm. The next Bond movie, of course, is entitled... No Time to Die. Wow, no ellipsis in that, of course. Mm-mm, no. Didn't do the full Tarantino. Mm-mm. But, uh...

That's incredible. What was it called before? It was called Kooky Killer Bond. So it was describing James Bond or it was describing the person he was chasing? I don't know. The antagonist. They did a big page one rewrite after they changed the title. They had to rewrite the entire plot? Yes.

To make him not a kooky killer anymore? Yes. And to have him not have enough time in order to die. Exactly. Wow. Well, that's incredible. So I heard about that movie taking a little, well, time off in between shooting. Yes. So that must have been the reason. It was, yes. And then we got a big song out of it, too. And I...

I co-wrote the lyrics. You co-wrote the lyrics to Billie Eilish's hit theme? Yes, No Time to Die. No Time to Die? And she changed, you know, she rewrote them. Considerably? Yes, significantly. Okay, okay.

Did she do a page one rewrite of your lyrics? Yes, yes. She did a stanza one rewrite. Yeah, I mean, usually lyrics are maybe about one page. Sometimes they dip over into a second page. Like if you ever print out song lyrics in order to sing at a wedding or something. Yes, every time I hear a song, I do that. You'll waste a lot of paper on the second page because usually it's like one or two lines. Yes, kind of just a chorus. Yeah, exactly. It's like, I don't need the second page. I could remember that a chorus comes at the end. Yes.

Well, that's incredible. Congratulations. Thank you. And this is maybe a big ask, but do you have the original lyrics to the Billie Eilish song? Yes, in my memory. You remember them all? Indeed. Oh, okay. Would it be possible for you to recite them then? Yes. Will you do that now? I shall. Go ahead with it then, my man. Okay. Here we go.

This is incredible. This is the original first draft lyrics to No Time to Die. The James Bond spectacular coming out in theaters soon. Yes. Please go see it. The lyrics will start soon. Was that part that was early? Okay. That was a little reminder for those people who are not fans of instrumentals. Okay. I should have known better.

My watch would get fixed. Because Desmond Longo is the very, very best in the biz. He knows all about watch repair. He should be a billionaire. Great brother-in-law, too.

He once took Maxwell Keeper to the zoo. Does he listen to Max talk when Max talks about time? Does a broken clock need to wind? Well, I've fallen for time.

I love when a clock is right. I'll ask once, I'll ask twice. Don't you think that time is nice? Now you'll never see me cry. There's just no time to die. Okay. She only kept the last two lines. Okay, yeah.

She said, people won't know who Desmond Longo or Maxwell Keeper are. Why would I sing about them? So many questions come to mind in hearing all of those lyrics. Primarily, how was that day at the zoo? It was fun. I got a giraffe watch. Oh.

Wait, you watched a giraffe? Well, when you put it that way, I did. Yes, I watched a giraffe. And then you said, turnabout is fair play. That's what Desmond said. So what a great guy. Watching the giraffe was so much fun. He said...

We'll turn about this fair play. You may as well get a giraffe watch. Get a giraffe watch. Could such a thing exist? And they had it right there in the store. Now, I have to ask about this giraffe watch. Is the big hand the neck of the giraffe or is the body of the watch shaped like a giraffe? In which case, I would think it would be a very clunky thing to be upon a wrist.

No, the big hand is the neck and head of the giraffe. Okay. And then the small hand is the tail. Okay. And it's like facing you straight on. So sometimes it looks like a freakish mutant giraffe. Frequently. Frequently.

Well, that is incredible. Did it start as a jingle for Longo's watch repair? Yes. Okay. I kind of thought I'd kill two birds with one stone. Write a Bond theme and get some business for Desmond. Okay. Well, unfortunately, no one will hear the original version, so Desmond. Now they will. Maybe this one will chart.

It's so nice of you to do that for Desmond. Does he appreciate that kind of thing? Did you play it for him? I did, yes. What did he say? He patted me on the head twice. Really? Yes. Did he say anything like turn about his fair play? Like he was going to write a song for you? No, but I hope he does. You aren't surprising me with him, are you? No, he's not here, unfortunately. There's no one else but you on this episode. Oh, okay. That is incredible. Thank you. I mean...

you know, uh, what was even more cat? Is that what you were going to say? I saw one of those at the zoo. Yes. You watched one. I watched one. He stood on your cat saw.

Yes. Okay. I saw a meerkat. Turnabout, of course. I was on the drive home. Desmond said, what? Turnabout. As previously mentioned, it's fair play. Pulled right into Home Depot. Pulled into Home Depot. They bought a saw. Found a meerkat sticker. Yeah, of course. I understand the whole. Oh, yes. I don't know how to explain shopping to you. I bet you bought all sorts of things.

And that's really incredible. You know what's even more incredible is the fact that I was just looking on iTunes and found there was a No Time to Die karaoke version that you could have brought in here. Oh, but I don't know when the words go. Well, it's so wonderful to talk to you. I could talk to you for hours here. And, you know, so much to unpack.

Maxwell, you don't need to shout hey at me. We're in the middle of an interview. Tis not I. Is y'all safe? Wait, your catchphrase is tis I. But tis not I. This is the opposite? Is y'all safe? Are you saying J.W. Stillwater's catchphrase is y'all safe? Hey. No. Hey. Hey. Is y'all safe? Wait, now you are saying hey. This is confusing. Is y'all safe?

Yeah, J.W. Stillwater, is that you? Yeah, that's right, it's me, Scott. Is y'all safe? I'm safe, I'm safe. Maxwell, are you safe? I don't know. Well, I don't know either, Maxwell Keeper, because I haven't seen you in quite some time. Oh, your eyes just lit up again, and you're crying. I love time. How poignant. Yes.

I wish I hadn't have given you that. That was a layup. Because I'm mad at you. Okay, J.W., I understand that you might have cause to be upset. That's right, I do. What exactly are you upset about, J.W.? I'm not privy to what happened. Oh, I'm not privy. I didn't even know that you guys knew each other.

First of all, don't get all highfalutin and use words like privy. Well, what do you want me to say instead of privy? Say, I don't know what y'all's talking about. Isn't a privy a... A loo? A restroom. An outhouse. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. That's right. Nothing with plumbing. Nothing with plumbing. That's not a bad film title. It's got a wood door with a crescent moon carved in it. Hopefully. If you're doing it right. Hopefully, if you're doing it right. How is it that I only been here one minute we're talking about the bathroom? You're the one who brought it up. I came in here for... You said privy.

You said privy. But you said it after me. Stop pointing at me. You stop pointing at me. You stop pointing at me. You stop pointing at me. Take the county door, now boo over. Take the county door, now boo over. I'm very upset with the timekeeper. How do you know each other? Oh, you wouldn't, you would not have been privy to this. Yes, I was certainly not in any room that you guys ever met in. We, we had a conversation once where I invited him.

to join a very special organization. Really? I was in here crying after the last episode. His eyes was all lit up. Yes. Okay. Tears Welling. Tears Welling, but you were... Tears Welling was there. Then he left. He was seeing his brother Tom. Tom Welling was there, of course. What about Tori Spelling? She was off at the Spelling Bee. Of course, she loves it. Yes. Can you use that in a sentence? With a keela. Her catchphrase. Hmm.

So you guys had a conversation after the last episode on February 29th? If you can imagine people having a conversation and you weren't around. I may be solipsistic if I'm pronouncing that correctly. Ooh la la! Sex. We're hitting all of them. By the way, does he sing Jeremy Piven? Does who sing Jeremy Piven? Okay. Okay.

Seems like a Pearl Jam reference. I'm not kidding. But you do get Pearl Jam? You understand what that is? Come, right? Come on now. You said it too. What do you mean I said it too? You just said it. Come on now. Now that's what I call it. Yeah, man. Come on now. All right. What are you upset about? All right.

We had this conversation where I asked you to join a very special organization and you said that you would. It is true. And then you disappeared. Well, I guess now we can tell you what the very special organization is. What is the organization? I have no idea, no conception of what you could possibly be talking about. It was the Order of the Keepers. The Order of the Keepers? What's wrong with you?

Why are you... I'm stuttering. I'm so astonished. Why are you astonished? Are you bewildered? Are you bewitched? Are you bothered? Maybe. And I'm yours. I don't know. That sounds very important, but I couldn't even speculate as to what it is. I'm not a prospector. It's true. He's not. Look. Doesn't have the...

You don't have a grizzly beard. Is that the first step into becoming a prospector? You've got to grow a crazy beard. Really? It's got to be unkempt. It helps you see better. Right. What about the flap in the back of your, I guess, what are those, long johns? Does that have to be sort of like one button open? Your union suit?

Right. Well, you have clothes on. You don't have to walk around in your underwear. They seem to, though, don't they? Anytime you see one. That's not the first image I got in my mind. Maybe I'm just thinking of one specific one. I just picture them in a... You're thinking of one specific prospector? Yeah, perhaps. The one who's taking a bath next to Big Thunder. Yeah, that's him. Cautioning everyone to hold on to their hats and their glasses, of course.

Spectacles. The Order of the Keepers. What is the Order of the Keepers, JW? By the way, for those of you out there who don't know, JW Stillwater is- I'm a vigilante hero. From Florida. That's right, from Florida. Two Florida guests. From Cumberbatch County, Florida. Wow. I'm not from the big city, Tallahassee.

But you're from Cumberbatch County. Cumberbatch County, Florida. You once had a hammer stolen. It was your inciting incident. I mean, that's not my – what I prefer to be the lead off of.

But yes, I had a hammer stolen. Oh. And that was what gave you your dark night of the soul, which then turned you into akin to a dark night, a vigilante crime fighter. Because I realized that the police in Cumberbatch County is corrupt. Right. And so the people needed a hero. They didn't steal the hammer. They just wouldn't investigate it. Is that why they're corrupt? The hammer case remains open. Waiting for the hammer's return. Yes. Is whomever stole that hammer akin to your Joe Chill?

Joe Chill, who's that? He's this cool dude. He sounds cool from his name. Killed Batman's parents. Is that the person that Snoopy is sometimes when he puts on sunglasses? I think he might be. The unfortunately named Joe Chill, I think it was meant to be chilling back during the 40s or 50s when he was introduced. So people were scared of the word chill? Yeah, I think they thought, ooh, boy, chilling. But now then it was appropriated into becoming like cool and relaxed.

And now... I once said that name aloud near an old person and...

He said, don't say it. I thought you were talking about me. No. So you're a vigilante then. I'm a vigilante. You're wearing a mask currently. Yes, I am. A cape, which is the flag of Florida. My cape is the flag of Florida. This is my crime fighting attire. Right. Which is different from my secret identity attire, which is I don't wear the mask or the cape. Right. Right.

And the coveralls, though, always on. I wear the coveralls because... Just like IFC. By day. Slightly off, though. Yeah, much like that prospector and his flap in the back.

During the day, my secret identity, I'm a fan boat mechanic. Right. Under the name Eddie Lee Capers, which is my real name. Forget that I said that. Okay, that's right. And we've delved into your lore on other episodes. Oh, we've delved into my lore. Your father, Professor Steelwater. That's right. And, of course, your ward. That's right, Cameron Esposito, caramel. Right.

many, many other facets of your life. But this is a facet that I was unaware of. Well, Scott, there's a lot you're unaware of that goes on to keep people safe and protected. That's what the Order of the Keepers does? That's right. Tell me. We gather together all of the different people who are keepers of some sort or another, like a timekeeper. Oh, okay. What are then some of the other keepers that are in the Order of the Keepers?

There's a lighthouse keeper. Oh. Anybody who works in a lighthouse. Even the people who are in that movie, The Lighthouse? Yes. They're honorary members. That fun romp? Yes. We give them a little badge they can wear. They're always in black and white. They're always in a square. Wow. Okay. There's gatekeepers. That's right. People that keep gates of one kind or another. Oh, there needs to be more of those in comedy. Agreed. Agreed.

There's a couple that's very much in love. He's a and she's a. He's a keeper? Oh, and she's a keeper. Okay, I get this. I myself, of course, am a promise keeper. Oh, you are. As I'm very devout religious man. Okay. Devoted to Christ. I need other promise keepers to help me keep my promises, which are to be devoted to Christ.

To have friends who are also devoted to Christ. So you need the friends in order to help you keep the promise of having friends. I promise to never beat my wife if I have one. I promise. When did you stop beating your wife? That's a good promise. Now you can't get me with that one because I ain't married. Oh, that's right. You're wearing one of those Jonas Brothers rings, I noticed. That's right.

Is it one of the Jonas Brothers originals? Yes, it is. It's one of their rings. They gave it up? This was given to me by Joe Jonas, who now has sex. Congratulations. That's amazing. I met him. You met Joe Jonas? Yeah, that's right. You were on the Comedy Banking television show with him.

And he was so enamored with you, he wanted to come back and do sort of what you were doing on a future episode. Did he say next time, let me be the timekeeper? Not exactly that, but something akin to it. Oh my goodness. He wants to be the timekeeper's brother? He wants to be the distance freak.

Distance freaks. Yes. If only there were an episode devoted to them. Well, maybe a future episode. Probably there will be. So is that the extent of the Keepers? Beekeeper. Scorekeeper. Great. Trapperkeeper. Goalkeeper. Trapperkeepers? Yes, Hope Solo's in the group. Goalkeeper. What about, was that movie Solo about her? I never saw it. I think so. I believe Solo was a Star Wars story. Oh. I hope Solo is.

And... Hope Solo, Free Solo, Solo. Solo. Solo.

So inanimate objects are in this? The Trapper Keepers? No. There's people that are Trapper Keepers. What does that mean? You mean like trappers? You ever seen Trapper John M.D., that TV show? Sure, of course. Someone's keeping it on the air. I don't think it is. Do you mean just people who have bought DVD box sets of the Trapper John M.D. series? Yeah. I wish we would have rethugged that one because that guy sucks. Number three.

Oh, yes. That's the stuff. A lot of long, I mentioned we were going to talk about a lot of long running inside jokes in this one. Yes. Does he sing Jeremy Piven? Technicality no down boo over. Ooh la la sex. You had me come on now. We never did the shirts. That's right. We're going to do shirts

to say ooh la la to sex. Oh, we never did them. We did do, have you seen our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt? It's so funny. The future is female. The picture is splinter. Splinter. That picture, where'd that picture come from? I have no idea. I think someone designed it. I don't know. I got one the other day. Sean sent me one. The picture is perfect because it looks so off-brand. Yes. It looks so off-brand. The whole t-shirt seems off-brand. Yeah. It's like,

Honestly, not the best fitting shirt. It's like such a funny shirt you would get on a street corner. Yeah. It's really funny. But yeah, we did a lot of the old R5 jokes on this one.

And when I was listening to it back, one thing I was thinking is I would love to get Desmond Longo on the show. We've talked about it. Oh, my God. Yeah. We've talked about him so much. Desmond Longo. Yeah. So now hopefully Neil is a little more free because I think Brooklyn Nine-Nine is about to come on come the new year and they just wrapped up the season. So maybe we can do that again. Anyway, great episode. Can I also plug my hashtag bring back Captain Orleans? Yes, please.

I appeared on one episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Yes. I think that character has the possibility to come back. I think because it's so improbable to ever have him back on the show. Sure. Wasn't he on a boat the last time? He was a cruise ship captain. I think they'll make it all the funnier to have him come back. How'd this guy get here? He was demoted. He's still a captain, but now he's on land. He's a land captain. And what about my character? Me and Kulop played hackers along with Eugene Cordero.

And we were promised we were going to come back on the season premiere of the next season. Not only promised, the way it was put to you was like, well, there's no way we can't have you back on. Yeah, we've been trying to figure out a way around it, but we have to have you guys back on the show. They figured a way around it. Yep, never heard from them again. Ha ha ha!

All right, let's take a break. When we come back, the top two, the top two. These have been so good. How could there be better ones? We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's is hard, so is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois.

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Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Deet. Deet. What was that little noise you did? Deet. News. What was that little news? What was that news you droid? What was that little news you droid?

These are not the droids we're looking for. We should stars R2-D2 and C-3PO in that new buddy film they're doing. We should stars them. They can't just draw us into Star Wars like they have all those nine movies. You know what?

This is fucking bullshit. Because they drew us into Big Mouth and pretended it was two other people, we now are owed to be the voices of R2-D2 and C-3PO. They owe us this. Yes. And by the way, if I get R2-D2, I'm not going to beep anymore. I'm going to talk just like this. I think you could say, I'm not going to beep anymore. I'm going to boop. That's right. I may boop. Boop, boop, boop.

Isn't it funny how R2-D2 curses a lot? Isn't it weird? Just no one speaks his language, I guess. Yeah, except C-3PO. C-3PO's like, whoa, how dare you? I mean, it used to bug me before I spoke the bleeps and bloops that R2 speaks. Yes. How upset C-3PO was getting. I'm like, come on, R2-D2's cool. Pray, speak me the bleeps and bloops that R2 speaks. A lot of Shakespeare on these episodes. Right? Well, we're smart. He is the immortal bard, of course. He's the immortal bard. The melancholy Dane.

We have the... The Big Ragu. Yep. A lot of people don't know. Shakespeare wrote all of his lines. The Sultan of Swat. Speaking of the Big Ragu, of course, David Landers passed on this year. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. This is the part of the show where we do the In Memoriam. Yeah.

We talk about anyone who dies. Imagine there's no heaven. This year for the In Memoriam of the Oscars, they should play the Gal Gadot singing Imagine over it. That'd be fun.

That really made me sad when I saw that. Michael McKean, who played Lenny to David Lander's Squiggy, just tweeted out a picture of them when they were young, when they were like a young team. And it was heartbreaking. You know, like those guys, I don't think I can, I can't downplay like what, you know, that happened.

Those characters meant to me comedically as a kid. Like the earliest beginnings of my love of comedy. Just two people coming in being funny. Just being funny. Meanwhile, like, yeah, supposedly Laverne and Shirley are the funny ones, but I don't remember ever really laughing at them. I just remember laughing at Laverne and Shirley. Sort of, yeah. But I do remember the minute those...

guys came in. It was just like, it was go time. They pushed that door open with the hello at the most. After somebody said something that would implicate them. Yes, I love it. Like, what kind of idiot would do something like that? Hello! Oh,

So good. Also, the choice to say hello is really funny. Michael McKeon, by the way, another one of life's great treasures. But he did not come on and talk about Red Hot Chili Peppers with us, despite all of your tweets. So...

Why did you want him to do that? I don't remember. But I remember us saying, yeah, he's got to get on this show with us. Did you ever hear the Lenny and Squiggy album? Lenny and the Squigtones? Oh, I've heard of it, but maybe I've heard of it. It's really funny. I had a copy of it on cassette. Wow. Yeah.

that I taped from a friend's vinyl. I don't know if I... You can probably find it digitized online. Probably on YouTube or something. But the songs are really funny. Christopher Guest is in the band playing guitar as Nigel Tufnel. It's like before Spinal Tap. That's so funny. That's so funny. It's great. If you can find it, find it. If you can find it, find it. If you can't find it, deez nuts.

Well, let's get to Dee's episodes. This is your number two. Number two. I thought we were going to play another round of Snowman. Oh, we can. Can we do it right now? Yeah, let's do it right now before we talk about what episode two is. All right, so episode two, you know, we're going to talk about it before that. We're going to play another round of Snowman. All right, here we go. Paul is walking over to the snowman. Do you want to press the snowman?

I can't hear you, but... Oh, he's exactly where he was, is what he said. Okay, great. All right, he's dancing around. Let me turn this up. He's dancing around. He's twirling. No, he's not looking at me. He's in the direction of Kulop again. He's twirling. No, he's back to Kulop. What is this? If she's out there on the balc, she is thrilled. No, now over to the squirrel. This is it, though. He's got one last turn.

He's a little off my shoulder. It's so close, though. From where I'm sitting, it looks like he's looking at me. Nah, he's pretty far off, I would say. I'm going to take a photo. All right, I'll take a photo of how far off he is, and I'll send it to you, and you'll see exactly why I can't be as thrilled as... I mean, this is dramatic. What I'm looking at is like... Dueling photos here. I'm sending one to you. You're sending one to me. This is like a real photopalooza.

I wouldn't go that far. Okay, I'm sorry. I apologize. Hey, fun's fun, but let's not over-represent this, misrepresent this to the people listening. It's not really a photo-palooza gang. It's just two guys taking one photo apiece. All right, let's talk about it. This is episode, this is the number two episode of the year. You really zoomed in? I wish you hadn't. This is episode 638. Still in the 600s, interesting. And this is February 3rd.

So this is about a month before. So what happens on February 3rd? Nothing. You're not going to be able to figure that out. This is an episode called One Last Heist. One last heist. One last heist. Do you remember this episode? Did you listen to it? I don't know. I may have, but I don't know by the title. So this is Jason Manzoukas. I'm out. We have Sean Diston and Tim Baltz.

I mean, this sounds good. It does sound good. Tim Baltz is not going to be in this clip. Sounds less good. He comes in a little later where he plays, I think he's...

He's Cincinnati playboy Antonio Lembradini, which is funny, but we're not going to play that clip. This is the clip where Jason Manzoukas are talking for a bit. And then my old friend Bullets Jackson enters, played by Sean Diston.

And I don't want to say any more about it. I'll just let you hear it. This is your episode two. Number two. By the way, Jason Manzoukas is here. You know him. Hello from the How Did This Get Made podcast as well. Welcome back to the show. Thrilled to be here. When you die, do you want to be buried? I.

Real question. I want to be cremated, I believe, because every time I go to a graveyard, I guess they call them graveyard or funeral home or whatever. I just think it's such a- Ooh, graveyard and funeral home, not synonymous. Those would be two different places. Yeah. What's the difference between them? A graveyard-

What? And a funeral home? Well, meaning like a... I mean like let's... I mean a forest lawn. Let's dial in first on yard versus home. I mean a forest lawn type of place, which you can't just call it a graveyard. It's a cemetery. It's a cemetery. That's the word I was looking for. Oh, you were looking for cemetery and instead found funeral home. Yeah, you know. Where you go to the wake. Yes, yes, yes. But it's a forest lawn. The cemetery has a funeral home at it. Got it. So that's where the confusion lied. I see. Let's not get into another argument that I'm going to win. Okay? Okay.

Because the viewers have spoken. Let's not pillow coffin this. The pillow coffin argument was decidedly in my favor. But I look at those as just a colossal waste of space. I agree. Oh, no. Same with me. Burn me up. Burn me up. Burn me up. Burn me up, Scotty. Burn me up. Buttercup, baby, just to burn me down. Do you hope that also that video screen will have the last credits from Something About Mary? Is that what it is? Yes. I don't know.

No, for real. Burn me up. Get rid of me. Like, I don't want to be in the earth. I don't want people. I don't want to be in an urn that people have to look at. I don't want people to feel like, well, if I want to reconnect with my old friend, Jason, who's passed away, I got to go to a place where his body is currently decomposing in the

No, thank you. Burn me up. Let me be in everyone's memories. Like a little bit. Here's what I want. I want a final. How did this get made show? And I want a little bit of my ashes to be sprinkled in every audience member's mouth. What do you want? Do you just want Paul and June to be doing that? Or do you want your replacement to be hosting that one? I mean, like they can use my replacement. Okay. So there are no mourning period. Like the next episode, you have a replacement. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. I think that's appropriate. I think it's probably fine.

I want to be burned with you. So whoever dies first, just hold on to the other one. Yes. Well, I'm not going to be burned with you. But here's what I will promise you. I will wait until I'm ready to go. I will keep you on ice Casey Kasem style. Okay. Above ground, ready to rock and roll. When you say Casey Kasem style, do you mean his dog being on ice? No, I mean his family didn't. Oh, that's right. Didn't bury him. His wife kept, his new wife kept shuffling him around his corpse. Not Gene Kasem, certainly.

His corpse, shuffling his corpse around the world so his children couldn't get a hold of it. Doing the Kasem shuffle. And process it. And he still recorded every week's episode of the Top 40. It's incredible, his commitment. Speaking of the Top 40, I wanted to bring this up because you and I were in a conversation with a friend of ours before the show, and he said his first CD that he bought was Please Hammer Don't Hurt Him. Who is the pussy who, I'm not talking about our friend, but who is the pussy who sang that?

You know, what part of Hammer's crew... Oh, oh, oh, he's saying, please, Hammer, don't hurt him? Yeah. Who is this guy? And... Please, Hammer, don't hurt him. Please, Hammer. Wait, are you saying you want to be that guy? Because this seems like an audition. It kind of is, yeah. I'd like to see that story. Do you think that's meant to be the delivery of please, Hammer, don't hurt him? Please, Hammer, don't hurt him. So this guy's crying. He's got a family.

He's got kids. He's got a family. My assumption is Please Hammer Don't Hurt Him is a reference to like, don't kill the audience too much by being so amazing. No, that's what this guy thinks too. Oh, so he's just weeping, begging on his knees like John Turturro in Miller's Crossing. Look into your heart. Look into your heart. I'll suck your dick. That's not part of the movie, but interesting. That's part of Menace to Society.

Well, coming up later, we have the Cincinnati Playboy, but let's get to our first... You're my co-host, so let's get to our first guest. What do you say? I would love it. He's an old friend of mine. I love that. I decided to have an old friend on the show. Terrific. Do I know him? I know a lot of your old dear friends. You do not know this one, I don't believe. Please welcome to the show Bullets Jackson. Bullets Jackson.

Scott. Hi, Bullets. I'm getting the band back together. Whoa! What? We were just talking about... Not a music band. Oh. I was going to say, were you guys in a band? I didn't know you were ever in a band. I was in a band. One last job. Okay. Ooh, a heist? Wait, we're doing one last job. What's the job? Scott, I told you.

One last job, Scott. Wait, when did you, you mean you told me just five seconds ago? Me repeating myself? I told you, Scott. We have one last job, Scott. Let's go. Drop all this podcast shit. Let's get out of here. Okay, I can cover this. I don't want to leave it to Jason. I can cover this. Can you just wait like an hour, maybe? Bullets, what's the likelihood that Scott will die on this job? Scott is pretty high.

Well, then I'm glad we had the conversation we had earlier. Yeah, I guess so. Look, what kind of job do you want to do? I don't remember exactly what we used to do. Scott, one last heist, Scott. Yeah, what are we heisting? I don't... We're stealing Blue Boy. Blue Boy? What is Blue Boy? Blue Boy is a famous painting at the Huntington Library and Garden here in Pasadena. Oh, so it's nearby. It's pretty close.

Blue boy. That's right, Scott. Do you know how much it's worth? It's priceless. Whoa, priceless. Is it really priceless? That's right, Scott. They've been renovating it for over a year. They've been renovating the painting? That's right. This is tempting. Is that how you renovate? Yeah, you've seen renovating, painting renovations. Remember that Jesus one that came out? Oh, my God. That was amazing. Looks like a big smiley face. Like the Watchmen cover. That's right. Now, Scott, are you ready to go?

I don't know. I mean, couldn't we wait like an hour for traffic to die down? Scott, I have gotten so much of the band back together and you're kind of the final piece. Who else do you have? Who else do you have? Who else is a big band?

Yeah. There's like 67 of them? 67 people that take one painting? I'm going to update you. I'm going to update you. You've definitely got a leak. Well, I'm sorry. You can't have 67 members of the team without somebody being either working for the police, Scott, you remember? Or telling the police. No, Scott, you remember working with this team. We were as tight as... I don't recall exactly. I mean, we're friends from, you know, back in the day. Back in the day, Scott. Yeah. The crime days. Right.

Wait, when was this? How long have you guys known each other? Back in what day? Scott, I remember it was just yesterday. Oh, it was yesterday. What was I doing yesterday? No, but it was a long time ago. But I remember it as if it was just yesterday. Well, Scott was our distraction guy.

I don't remember. What did I do to describe people? Well, you'd walk in. Okay, so one time we robbed. Do you remember when we robbed that bank, Scott? I remember being at a bank. Okay, so Scott walks into the bank, and he's doing a very funny old man character. Oh, okay.

It's funnier when you're younger. If I were to do it now, it would be like, oh, look, I'm five years older. It's kind of not that fun. But when I'm younger, it was like. It was hilarious. It was really funny. So the intent was to be hilarious. So the distraction, the diversion was comedy. Comedy Scott is what we called him. Exactly, which is why you grabbed Scott Aukerman. That's right. We grabbed Comedy Scott for the greatest distractions in history. I mean, I don't understand, Scott, why you're so confused. This was your life, Scott.

Scott. Well, I remember being at a bank and you guys saying like, hey, do your old man character. Yeah. And then a series of interconnected events led to us walking out of that bank with a bunch of fucking buddies. You guys got money from that? From that? Hey, Scott, when'd you give any to me? Oh, were you not? Did you not come to the? Okay. That's all B because I get. You didn't give me the details for the after heist? Okay. So I do get the band together before, but I forgot. I'm supposed to. What about the after?

after I'm supposed to also get the band together after the heist and I think I might have left you off you're really good at getting the band together before the heist that's that's really basically it looks like you show up and you go are you in or you out and then most of the time people drop what they're doing right away and come with me I'm in the middle of a show I can't really do that I didn't even know you got money I I don't profit from these and by the

way how do you split something priceless you were okay seven ways Scott I'm gonna interrupt for just a second yeah it's like we all get we were at lunch just the other day we were at lunch just the other day I saw a pretty lady I didn't know what to say you said you know what man I don't have any adventures anymore

You were complaining about how stayed and kind of on track your life has become. Do a podcast per week. Dinner with your ex-girlfriend. Go to a meeting. Go to a meeting. You know, bop, bop, bop. Everything has become so regimented and structured in my life. And you were like, I really just want a little bit of chaos in my life like I used to have. Yeah, I should do drugs again. Here is Bullets Jackson offering you an opportunity. Oh, Bullets, yeah. Scott, I'm offering you the perfect opportunity.

opportunity this could be the highest what's your plan the perfect crime it well jason hold on let me think about it if you go there okay jason i i think it might be the perfect crime well you hadn't thought about this i didn't i thought it was pretty good but i just put all the pieces together the equation kind of equals the perfect crime what are what is the plan and what is my part of it am i still the distraction you're still the distraction guy of course and that's your skills what kind of what kind of character do i have to do now

Well, that's up to you, Scott. Oh, really? What do you think you might want to do? Well, I can't do the old man. Maybe I could do a baby, though, the reverse. Well, you could do the old man now and not have to do any of the makeup or hair graying. Wait a minute. What if I'm the guy who's talking to Hammer? You could be...

Please! Please! Have it in your heart. Look into your heart. Don't hurt him. Okay, let me think this out for a second. They hang up Blue Boy after a long restoration period. There's a huge crowd of people watching. When are they hanging up?

They hang it up at 5 p.m. today. 5 p.m.? So they've restored it after the renovation? Yeah. They've restored it as well. They renovated it? So it's a restoration along with a renovation. But then they renovated it. Yeah. So what does that entail? Like doing the wood behind it? Yeah, they changed the wood. They kind of just like dusted it a bit. Yeah. That's kind of what they did, Scott. Okay. Now let's go through this. Now there's a bunch of people watching. They put up Oldboy.

Okay. Okay. And then blue boy or old boy. I think it's old boy. Old boy. The Korean movie. We're not stealing old boy. Scott, I can't believe feeling the original old boy. Are we stealing old boy? No. Old boy is the code name for blue boy. Scott. Oh, of course. Do you not remember the way we do things? Right.

Slightly confusing code names. Okay, so why are they putting up Oldboy at 5 p.m.? They're putting up Oldboy at 9 a.m. Well, because that is when they close.

So they're having a big press event. Tomorrow? Tonight at 5 when they close. So they're putting it up at 5? I feel like right now over this, like the visuals should be being shown. Yeah. Right. Yeah. When we're hearing this in VO, but we're seeing the crime in progress. First of all, we've got a man at the ticket taker station. He's going to be making sure you get in for free without having to. This might be the song, by the way. This is pretty good.

So you'll get in for free and not have to pay because we got a guy on the inside of the ticket taker. And you'll walk into the museum. Wait, I don't have to pay because of why? Oh, we have a guy on the inside as a ticket taker. Oh, as a ticket taker. He's one of 67. I'll take your ticket. Exactly. And then, Scott, you're going to walk into the food court. Now, this is a very important part of the plan. Bullets, I'm going to stop you right there. Okay, okay, yeah. This is the Huntington Garden Food Court. Yeah, they got.

What do they got there? Run it down for me. They got coffee. They got bananas. Orange Julius? They don't got Orange Julius, but they have orange scones. Is there a Sbarro? No, there's not a Sbarro. You know, baby,

is that a food court? So there's no licensed restaurants there. There's no licensed restaurants yet. Less of a food court, more of a snack bar? Exactly. But we've got our Popeyes guy on the inside applying for an application to be inside the food court. Who's the Popeyes guy? He currently works at Popeyes? He's one of 67, Scott. He's our Popeyes guy. Are there anyone who is two of 67? No. The twins are not involved?

No, the twins are dead. Twins? You guys don't have twins in the team? The twins are dead to us because they didn't send us a Christmas card. Oh. So anyways, the Popeyes guys. Are we flashing back to the Christmas card deliberation right now? We can go back to the Christmas card thing. Should we extend him a Christmas card this year? Nah, he'll probably be fine if we don't send it. We're not going to get kicked out of the 69. Pan up to the vents. I'm in the vents looking down. These motherfuckers. Ooh, ooh.

I liked it better when there were 69 of us, I gotta say. We should get those twins back. That's what I'm saying. 69 with twins? Scott, if we could get Oldboy, aka Blueboy, I'm sure we could attract the twins back and we could be 69 once again. Guys, I'm not gonna lie. I bet we can get the Sklars in on this.

That's who we're talking about. Of course. Two guys, they say the lines all together at the same time. So here's Scott. This is your part. Okay. Blue boy's hanging on the wall. Of the snack bar? No, we've actually now gone to the museum section of the library. Why did I go to the snack bar? To talk to the Popeye's guy. I just talked to him? Yeah, he's going to slip you a razor blade. Oh.

Oh, because they wouldn't have let me pass through the... They wouldn't have let you in with the razor blade. Yeah, exactly. And if so, that's in case the job goes wrong, you can kill yourself. Exactly. You put that in your mouth, you bite against it, and then... That would kill me. You bite against it? No, no, this is the way it's hidden. Bite with the grain. And then if anyone catches you, you swallow it. You bite right, you chomp right through your palate. You chomp through your palate, then you chew it up and you swallow it. You bite your own tongue out. And then it takes you like a week for your stomach to disintegrate?

Yeah, damn right, Scott. You're starting to remember. So anyways, you take that razor blade, you put it in your mouth, and you start heading to the museum. This is a good song, by the way. You take the razor blade and you put it in your mouth. I also like the bass sort of solos you guys have been adding in. Those are really good. So anyways, Blue Boy gets put up on the wall. Scott walks in and is his baby character.

Okay. Right? Wait, so did I walk into the museum in my baby character? Or did I change after the food court? God damn it, Scott. I didn't even think about a change. All right, so Scott. I'd love to do like three changes. Okay, okay. First change. Like Sherwood. You jump right into the ladies' bathroom, Scott. And why the ladies' bathroom? Because you come out as an old woman. Whoa!

Hello, dearie. Do you know where all of the paintings are? And then a boy points blue boys right over there. And then you go into the men's room and then change again. And this time you come out as Jimmy Stewart. Oh, hey there. Oh, Mary, you're an old maid. Oh, Mary.

Merry Christmas, you old building and home. Wait a minute. Is that the ghost of Jimmy Stewart? Everybody run. Mr. Potter. Mr. Potter. Run. Ghost of Jimmy Stewart. A man should be more than. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Sorry. No, no. Go ahead. So everyone's scared. Everyone's scared of the ghost of Jimmy Stewart. Yeah, I was a Jimmy Carter. Oh, no. Wait, could I do Jimmy Carter? Hey, if you want to go back. He's still alive. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. And now you pop into the actual, you hop into the bathroom that is gender neutral. Oh, good. And this time you pop out as the baby. So your third costume change. Are you satisfied? Okay, I'm good. Yeah, I'm good with three. Goodie.

And then they put the painting on the wall. Woo!

Who's baby is this? Al Sharpton runs in. He's one of 67. Wait, Al Sharpton is part of the crew or someone playing Al Sharpton? How do you not remember, Scott? Al Sharpton himself is a part of the crew. That's right. Sharpton's in the crew, dude. He's our media guy. Our crew had a very big jumpsuit budget. Yeah, there were so many jumpsuits and they were mostly his. Well, they were jumpsuits and tracksuits. He called them jumpsuits because he jumped in them. He was a great guy. Exactly. Back in the day. I loved him. Yeah.

Any suit he wore, he called it a jumpsuit. And he would just jump around. Go look at me. You're remembering Scott. And then he looks down and says, whose baby is this? And then everyone's like, I don't know whose baby this is. I don't know whose baby this is. Wait a minute. He's wearing blue. Is that a blue boy? So that's kind of funny because blue boys are involved. So part of the plan is to convince people the boy in the painting has come to life? Yes, exactly. Like a Purple Rose of Cairo situation? Exactly, Scott. I know we're not supposed to talk about Woody. Is Woody involved? No.

Scott. Oh, Jesus.

He has been applying to be a part of the crew for a very long time. He wanted to be 70? We have respectfully said no. He is canceled. Good. He is canceled. He's canceled out of the crew. So no Woody Allen. If anyone was wondering, he is not a part of the crew. Okay. So I'm the baby come to life. Yes. And everyone laughs, you said? Everyone laughs, but then they get scared again because they said, the ghost of Jimmy Stewart, a baby come to life. Is this some sort of Ghostbusters situation? Oh. Right? Answer the call. Answer the call.

And then, so then- Are people excited about a new Ghostbusters? As respectful as they were about the last one? Exactly. They start talking about the new Ghostbusters. It wouldn't ruin anyone's childhood. They think this time it's going to be a little bit different. They really like that it's centered on Egon for some reason. And everyone just starts to slowly walk out. In slow motion? Yeah, slow motion walk out. So they're all doing like- Yeah, something about the ghost that you see. Yeah.

Can I just say, can I just say, there's a little too much music going on. Oh, really? You think this is overscored? I think it might be overscored. Really? Yeah, I think it might be. Aren't we still in the montage? We are in the montage, for sure. Because I'll do much chiller scoring when we're out of the montage in actual scene. We need less cues, less cues. Got it, got it. All right, so everyone thinks they're walking out in slow motion. I think we could probably get like a slow tap because everyone's walking slow. Oh, now you want music. So now, wow.

Wow. God, just like a director. Look, I'll be honest. I am not the director. This guy is a lot. I'll be honest. I'm not the director. The director is what? A 67? What kind of music do you want, sir? Is William Friedkin still in the crew? I don't know who that is.

He's a director. Let me check. Hold on. Billy Freeds? Billy Freeds. William Freeds. He is in the crew. I don't actually know him, but he's a new add to the crew. He's a very famous director. Maybe he's directing this one. I mostly do HR. You recruit people. Internal complaints and stuff. So you have no part of this. No, no, no, no. Do you guys do like a sexual harassment seminar before the whole heist starts? Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, it's like a small business. There's 67 of us. Sure. 69, hopefully. 69 sometimes, but.

That kind of can be problematic. If you're going to be so close at 67, you've got to go for 69. Even though that does encourage jokes that would probably get people into HR trouble. And I don't like to get people into HR trouble. Because we're criminals. HR trouble. HR trouble stuff.

I'm assuming everyone backs up and then we're free to tear the painting down or just take it off the wall. Oh, no, no. Oh, it's more complicated than that? Yeah, we got to bring it on. All right. So then our axe guy comes in. Axe guy? Yeah, he's got- Axe body spray? Yes, he's got axe body spray. Okay. So he comes in- So he sprays it everywhere. No one wants to come back in. Oh, everybody gets so turned on. Oh, no, they don't want to come in. They don't want to come in, but if they stay and they get turned on and want to fuck, then they're distracted. Yeah. Okay, so the best of both worlds. The best of both worlds. You got the best. Oh.

Boom!

Can we license this for the soundtrack? Yes, this is great. Put this in. Van Halen, put it in. So now everyone's distracted. Now we've got to bring in our fingerprint guy. Fingerprint guy. He comes in and wipes down all the fingerprints so there's no evidence. Oh, so he's an anti-fingerprint. So he's more of like an anti-fingerprint guy. So none of us are wearing gloves and we're just cavalier about putting our fingerprints wherever we... You've got a fingerprint guy. We've got a fingerprint guy. And if you come in wearing gloves, they know you're trying to steal something. Well, I mean, it is the winter, though. The...

Wait a minute. Dun-da-dun. All right, maybe we could get rid of this guy. Dun-da-dun. Skip this whole fingerprint cover-up and maybe just go to the chemical castration section. Okay. What now? Oh, yeah. We all got to be chemically castrated before we leave. Temporarily. Temporarily. Wait, you can temporarily chemically castrate yourself? I'm assuming. Is there an antidote? Isn't it pills? You just got to stop taking the pills. Yeah, you just got to stop taking the pills. Oh, okay. So we all take six doses. Are you familiar with Gimme That Pill? No.

I have heard that before. I think the deal would then be, don't give me that pill. Okay, got it. You say, give me that pill until you don't want it. Then you say, don't give me that pill. Why are we all, we need to be chemically castrated because of the Axe body spray? No distractions. We would be too turned on in order to, okay. How many times have you been on a heist and you fall in love? Thank you. Happens a lot. You know, you fucking fall in love with somebody who's there and you're like, God damn it.

If I was not tuned into this frequency, I'd be able to steal so much better. This is a good point. All right. It's true. All right. So. The next part of the plan. Remember in heat. Yeah. You have to be ready to walk away from a situation. Walk away at any point. In 30 seconds at any point if you feel the police are coming around the corner. Dun, dun, dun. That is incredible. That's why I said, Scott, you should be running with me right now, Scott. Can't believe we're still doing a goddamn podcast. Dun, dun, dun. So anyways, here's what happens. In the montage, we are ripping it off. We are doing America's podcast. Also, it's not like we're here. Okay. You know what?

know what we're kind of doing like a dry run this is actually very helpful yeah it's helping you at least it's helping me figure it out here's what i'll say you need a glove guy when somebody animates this it will go to sundance yeah definitely okay so after we're chemically castrated all the very cool and like powerful smart sexy women come in this is why we had to get chemical are they part of the 69 oh yeah there's six of them

six out of the 69. We call them the sexy six. Okay. I love this. So they, first of all, they have their own branding. They do, but it is a nightmare for HR, I will say. As the person who's doing those meetings and then I have to then introduce them as the sexy six, I feel like...

To me, I'm sort of, anyways, we're back to the plan. The sexy six come in. And then they start slowly taking the painting off the wall. How slow? As slow as you can make that hi-hat. Why are they? They're moving so slow. Everybody's slowed down. And then you realize the painting's gone. Everybody's gone. And you just woke up.

Because you've been drugged. By our drug guy. So the drug guy has drugged you. It's now 24 hours later. Right. Okay. So the whole team, once the painting gets got, the whole team goes into a drug. We're re-dreaming. Everybody gets forced into a medical and you get a coma. You get fully

into a medical induced coma and what you remember of the crime is actually just a fragmented dream. Oh, this is a total recall scenario. Exactly. You get put into a total recall scenario? That's damn right. So that when you're interrogated about it, you don't know what's going on. You don't remember a damn thing. It sounds like you just are remembering the plot of a movie. This is brilliant. So Scott, are you ready to go?

No, I still have about another half hour left on this show. All right, maybe I can wait. We'll see. Yeah, we do need to go to a break. Is that cool? I think it's in Pasadena. I think we can get there by 5. Half hour. Yeah, and traffic's kind of bad at this point. We just got to skip the 134 if that's cool. We'll go through Griffith Park probably. Griffith Park. Okay, I'll text the team. All right, great. Text the team the directions. Are you guys all on a WhatsApp team? We're all on a big group me, and we send a lot of memes to each other. It's funny as hell. I got to get on this. Number two.

Ah, yeah. I mean, that was a good ep. Good ep. Did someone animate this? I don't remember. We asked people to. I feel like somebody did something with the music, right? By the way, the dude who's been animating...

clips of the show you better we're gonna see you in court yeah cease and desist you don't have the rights to that audio those have been really good yeah they've been really awesome uh and i wish i had the information of who you are at my fingertips but uh uh who has two thumbs and doesn't have that info ioni this sky um

That was a good episode. That was a really great episode. Sean, coming in at number two. How about it? How about it, indeed. He made quite a nice showing on the countdown this year. He truly did. We'll talk about all the stats after. I also want to shout out Lily Sullivan. I think she's very funny. You can if you want. We might want to wait until the next episode to do that. Intrigo. Intrigo. Intrigo. But before that, what a tease that is. Let's take a break. When we come back, we'll have the number one.

episode of the year and another round of snowman that's right that's a tease too we'll be in and the snowman is a tease never looking at me we'll be right back with more comedy are you catching the big game

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Paul, we've come down to it, have we not? Scott, I know, and we have. And I agree with you to do the same thing that you do, just to say we have come right down to it. Well put. Could not put that any better. This is exciting. If you had any guess as to what the episode would be, what do you think it would be? Well, first I'm thinking about the first person to ever phrase it well put.

And how that was received. It must have been received pretty well because otherwise we wouldn't have that as an expression. Right. But it sounds annoying when I think about it. It does. Like, it's one thing to say, well, you put that really well. But another to just say, well put. Yeah. Like, are you trying to be funny? People sound really snooty when any of the famous sayings. All of the famous sayings are packed with the snoots. Yeah.

Stitch in time saves nine. Oh, thanks, asshole. Let's do t-shirts for that. A penny saved is a penny earned. No shit. So it's on the front is a stitch in time saves nine. That's right. And then on the back is thanks, asshole. We're moving into, I mean, all of our podcast shirts are inexplicable, but we're moving into things that don't even make sense to us.

I like Penny Sanders and Penny Earned. No shit. No shit. To err is human. To forgive is divine. Whatever. Three variations or maybe three sides to the shirt.

Six sides. Like a six-sided die. You have to match it up. The front is all of the first part of the expression. So it's six different half-shirts, and you can mix and match. And have Velcro on the side. Yes! You can mix and match what you want your rejoinder to be on the back. You can tear it apart like those pants that turn into shorts. Like the ones that I wore as Billy Flynn in Chicago where I tore them off and I was in my underwear. Oh no, Scott, you didn't. I was butt-seventeen.

And I had a 17-year-old butt. Butt naked. No, I was not butt naked. By the way, it's buck naked. It's not butt naked. I know, but everyone starts saying butt naked because they can't fathom that it would be buck naked. I know. There's expressions like that where it's a lateral... I get how you got there, but you're wrong. You know what I don't like is, and you see this on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette every week, is do you want a cheers?

I hate that so much. I hate it so much. It's, do you want to propose a toast or should we toast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you say cheers as the exclamation when you cheers. So we're cheersing and- Oh my God, I cannot stand it. In any case, in any case, what about that? In any case. In any case. Let's get to it. This is your episode one. Number one. All right. All right. You know what it's time for. Well, should we do it at the end or should we do it-

We should only do it one more time. I think we should do it one more time if it ends satisfactorily. Okay. And if it doesn't, we'll do it one more time. We'll do it one more time at the end? Yes. Okay. All right. We're going to do the snowman game. Do you want to press the snowman? Do you want to press the snowman? What do you press? His little palm? Yeah, he's got a little red dot there. Got a little red dot on his palm. Now he's dancing around. The top hat is twirling.

So he's still off my shoulder. Maybe I should move. Twirling. Same place. That's pretty odd. Well, he did the same over to Kulop a couple of times on the last one. Now he's over at the squirrel again. This is going to be it. All right. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Right at me. Down the barrel. All right. That feels good.

It does, doesn't it? That is right on me. I can see from here. He's like looking right at you. I mean, it's eye contact. It's like Robert De Niro milking me contact. I'll take you down to Chinatown. Wow. Amazing. And then we'll do it one more time to see if he looks at me. Okay. That wasn't the plan, but okay. A new plan. Oh, you just said to end satisfactorily, which means looking at you. New plan, dick bitch.

All right. This is episode one. Any predictions? I predict this is going to be the most important one. Yeah. And that this is the one that people like the most. Ah, there you go. You are not wrong. This was from, this is episode 632. Wow, still in the 600s. Still in the 600s. This is from December 16th of 2019. This is a while ago. Yes. Now, we all know that the year that we count is not the calendar year of January to December. We count...

Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving in order to give us enough time to tabulate the votes. Surprise. Surprise. So last year's December 16th episode was eligible for

And this is the episode called the 2019 Holiday Spectacular. I mean, these are always blockbusters. Now, let me tell you who's on this episode. I dare you. Jason Manzoukas. John Gabrus as Gino. Sean Diston as Sprague the Whisperer. Lauren Lapkus as my nephew Todd. Tim Baltz as Darren Matejczyk, the bobblehead museum guy.

Lily Sullivan, who we'll hear a clip from. Can I shout out Lily Sullivan? Yeah, you certainly can now. It's appropriate. Will Hines, who we will hear a clip from. Zeke Nicholson as Etouffee. Remember Etouffee? Yes. Paula Tompkins comes in halfway through as Santa Claus. I forgot where you were coming from, but you came in late. Always a mistake on these shows. What's weird, though, is you started doing callbacks to things earlier.

Without knowing that they were callbacks. Oh, I kind of remember that. Yeah. Zachary knows Dash Grabham, who's the Pokemon trainer. And Drew Tarver and Carl Tartt, who we will hear from as well. So a lot of people. What usually happens is I put out a blanket request to a lot of people. Everyone's supposed to bring a blanket. Yes. Please. Sometimes they bring them with smallpox.

And I say, I say, I say, I say, I say, I say, I ask people to do the show thinking most will say no. Yeah. 50% will say no. Yeah. So just in my first wave,

Just about everyone said yes. So you put out three more waves. Three more waves. So this is a lot of people. This is all on you. And this was, weirdly enough, this is a strange statistic. This was a two hour and 36 minute podcast. This year's holiday episode, which just dropped a couple of weeks ago, I just got the final version of it and checked it out. It is two hours and 36 minutes. Weird. Weird. They're exactly the same.

But this was two hours and 36 minutes of all of us. And most people stayed the entire time and didn't leave.

And they're always like really fun clusterfucks with everyone trying to get their callbacks and their jokes in on top of everyone else. And we're also gifted little bags of candy. Yes. And I think that might... My coworker Corinne usually makes them. Didn't make them this year because she was like, I would have to drop them off at everyone's house. Yeah, fuck that. Yeah. But Corinne, who's wonderful, puts these little candy bags together. And not everybody eats the candy. Yeah.

But a significant amount of people eat the candy. But then I usually eat all the leftovers, so I'm sitting there eating. But it makes you crazy. Yes, it makes you insane. It makes you a hyperactive child. So we're going to hear three clips from this. Me and you. You in the floor. Me and you in the floor. Us, the two of us in the dance floor. That's right. Come dancing. That's what I want.

I tell a story about that song. You know the part at the end where it's like the horns come in like a band? Yeah. Like a big band playing? I taped that song off my CD player, and I would listen to it all the time. And I found out way later that my tape player that I was recording all these CDs off of had a channel missing. Had like the left channel missing or something like that, and was recording them in mono but only the right channel.

So I listened to that song again, like years later, and suddenly I heard the other horn part, which is a counter melody going... And I was frightened by it. I was startled by it because I had never heard that part before.

And then that's how I realized. I was like, this is a weird version. Why does it have this other horn part? And that was why I realized that my tape player was broken. I've never heard that horn part. Are we talking about the same song? Because what you're describing sounds like the Six Flags theme. What's the... Oh.

I'm trying to add the kinks part. Yeah, I got it.

Good shit. Good shit. Speaking of good shit, let's hear this clip. What do you say? We're going to hear three different clips from this episode. Let's hear them all in a row. Let's do them all in a row. With a little shimmery sound between them. Sure, why not? This is the episode that you chose as your number one. This is on you. Number one. We do need to talk to her. She's been very patient sitting here. Has never been on the show before. Am I right about that? Yes.

Talk right into that microphone, dear. Yes. Oh, God. You should be more condescending later. Please welcome to the show Tracy M. Hello, Tracy. Hi. Jingle bells. It's that time of year again when we all ship Omaha steaks to each other. Oh. Is it? Huh. I... Huh. Huh.

Are you an Omaha Steaks rep? Are we sponsored by Omaha Steaks? Nothing says I love you like shipping a big case of meat to someone in a cardboard box and then opening it up and finding some steak. Is this a commercial in the middle of the show? I guess so. All of these seem like PR press lines. Roll edge. $69.95. You can ship 10 Omaha Steaks to someone you love. Jingle bells. Oh. Is that the code?

I feel like we're being robo-dialed in the studio. It's so great to be here. Thank you for having me. Oh, okay. Tracy, she is here. Tracy, do you work for Omaha Steaks? I do. Thank you so much for asking. Oh, you're welcome for answering, but... Nothing says I'm sorry like a bunch of meat in a cardboard box. Hey, listen to that, Scott. You could send me that. I think you're good with a porridge.

How does a case of meat say I'm sorry? It kind of seems like a threat, to be honest. 96% of people would prefer a gift of food than a gift of product. Oh, okay. Isn't food a product? It's a complicated question, so I feel like the 95% might have just been checking yes or something. Even jewelry? Even jewelry. For example, my boyfriend recently sent me a bunch of steak, and I said, okay, okay.

Thank you. What had he done? He'd done something bad. Obviously, that was his way of saying, I'm sorry, what had he done? Who's your boyfriend and what does he do? Who is your boyfriend and what does he do? Who is your boyfriend and what does he do? Who is your boyfriend and what does he do? Who is your boyfriend and what does he do? Who?

Who is your, what's happening? What are you freaking out? I almost said it. Yeah, spring's rolling. I'm rolling balls. This is the time to be doing this. I feel like I only heard that, it only happened once. I heard it six times. My boyfriend's name is Mick. Mick. Yeah, and Mick did something bad. What did he do? What did, uh, uh, uh. Well, he, he cheated on me. Pretty fucked up. With who? Sorry to hear that. With a bunch of meat.

Wow. He sucks at the meat. And then is that the meat he sent you? No, he sent me new meat. Did he arrange the meat into a body shape or was it just purely just? I think it was just a big pile. Did he apologize to you? Are you assuming the meat was an apology? Seems like he was just delivering more meat to fuck for later. Well, I think I took it as an apology and I said, thank you so much. And he said, well, it's Omaha steak. And I said, yes, it is.

So I have 12 follow-ups, but I'm going to start with one. Do you know if he warmed the meat to room temperature or if he fucked it cold or did he go full hot? Oh, you want a how-to? I think it was scalding hot. Scalding hot. Scalding hot meat. I was listening to an old love line once about fucking a microwave tomato, and they don't tell you to do under 10 seconds. I did 40 seconds, and I've got fucking severe third-degree marinara burns. Oh, that's good gravy. It's the Sunday gravy.

That's a pretty good catchphrase. Tracy, was he in love with, was Mick in love with the meat, or was this purely carnal? He said that the meat. Carnal Asada. Anyway. No.

No. No. I'll see myself out. Please. No need to escort me on your shoulders. That should be how the podcast ends forever. Yeah. Those will be the last words I ever say. Carnal Asana and then just a dial tone. Wow. He said that the meat gave him something I could never give him. Oh.

And that was just silence. An internal temperature of 200 degrees. Silence? Silence. Can I ask you a question, Tracy? Yeah. Was the meat that Mick fooled around with also Omaha steaks? Yes, it was. That must have been so hard for you because you worked for them. That's where you work, right? This is your pride and joy, these steaks. I thought it was, it was,

That's like workplace sexual harassment. That was the part that actually made me be like, it's okay, because it was Omaha. Does he work for Omaha as well? Can I ask? He does. We all work for Omaha. You're an Omaha family. We live in an, well, Omaha. And everyone works for Omaha Steaks. Omaha Steaks, $69.95 for 10 steaks. It seems as though you're also kind of crying a little bit.

$69.95 for 10 steaks. It sounds like they're going to be bad. $69.95 for 10 steaks. Also, your choice of sides. Mac, cheese, and other... Are those two things mac? Yeah, if you want mac and cheese, you've got to blow both your side options. It's kind of complicated. Scallop, potatoes. Salad? Scallop. Egg salad.

Oh, that's one thing, though. Egg salad? In a cardboard box? You're just shipping egg salad to people? Now, I don't want to tell Mick what to do, but I bet you fucking a hot pile of egg salad is better than fucking a hot pile of steak. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. That's like getting you to dig in a bunch of sauerkraut. Oh, come on. Come on, indeed. Is that a callback, or are we supposed to jack off to it? I don't know. Come on, indeed.

Well, I'm so sorry, Tracy. Coming down the chimney. Were you just thinking, come on, Eileen, to come on indeed? That's correct. And I was hoping to get out of there without talking about it anymore. I'm sorry, Tracy. This is a terrible situation, especially right before the holidays. Don't worry. I'm all right. Jingle bells. Happy holidays. You don't seem all right. You seem pretty fucked up. The steaks that this guy fucked might have been hot, but what he did was ice cold.

That's a good point. Dial tone. The fucked up thing is Darren was reading that off a card. Well, guys, it's great to see you. We do have to move on to our next guests.

And this is very exciting. We talked to him a little bit before. He went to Johns Hopkins. He's a – I can't remember if he currently is a doctor. I don't know that we ever got to it. I am a physical therapist. Physical therapist. That's right. Oh, Stanley. That's right. Please welcome Stanley Chamberlain. You remember Stanley. Yes, I remember Stanley. That's right. We were on an episode before. You were on an episode with Claudio Doherty, I believe. Yeah, and the shaman guy. The shaman guy. Yeah, that's right. So yeah, I'm Stanley Chamberlain. I'm a physical therapist, and I am here to talk about physical therapy.

Okay, great. Because we barely got to it last time. We barely got to it last time. We had a digression, which was fine, and I was happy to... What was it about? I wasn't on this episode. You sort of buried the lead in that. It was about a satanic initiation rite at Johns Hopkins. That sounds very interesting, actually. Let's get into that, because I wasn't part of it. Not important to your whole thing, though. It's not important to our whole thing. We dug into it a lot last time.

Are you from Johns Hopkins as well? No, no, I'm from Connecticut. In fact, after going to Johns Hopkins, I went to Southern Connecticut State Medical School so I could have a more normal medical school experience. Because your medical school experience got very crazy. Since at Johns Hopkins it was so crazy. From the jump.

On the first day, there was a satanic ritual deep by the earth's core. Oh, wow. I was like, no, let's have a normal medical school experience. I went to Southern Connecticut State University after I graduated and matriculated from Johns Hopkins. I graduated and matriculated. I graduated and matriculated. I'm matriculating right now.

You wouldn't do it in that order. You went twice? I went to Johns Hopkins twice. Four years apiece? Yes. Wait, four years or did you premature matriculate? Four years the first time and then I premature matriculated in two years the second time. Huh. I know you're making a pun, but that is an option. Did you have to go through the second time you went there, did you have to go through the same initiation? Yes. I hate to get back onto the initiation stuff. No, no, no, that's okay. Yeah, I had to go through the initiation where I killed people with machetes a second time. Oh, gosh. Yeah. For the devil? For the devil?

Some man who was wearing... It was like a goat head. A goat head staghorn man. Did you ever find out whether it was the devil infecting your instructor or... I never found out. I used to see that guy around after the... You should find out. I should dig into it and find out. Yeah, whether you were doing the bidding of... Of a dark underlord, which I suppose in a way is an event bigger than myself, or was I just duped into committing murder for a mundane, normal man? Exactly. The solution to that, you think...

Not normal, but he's just a guy. He's a normal guy. If you're not possessed by a demon, you're normal. Helping people with their physicality is nothing compared to resolving this for yourself. I guess I could go become a life of a demon hunter, but I'm really passionate about physical therapy, so I feel like it's a calling. Do you feel like it balances out the times that you ended someone's physicality? I think that I meant to do it, so in a way, yes, I'll be committing good karma for the 10 to 20 people I have macheted to death. Yeah.

In my education at Johns Hopkins. Fellow students. What'd you do? Cut the heads off? Some of them I cut the heads off. Some of them I just hacked at their arms until they bled out. We were all medical students and it was only the strong survive satanic initiation. Did you find in any way that you were kind of butchering them for their meat?

This is really making me think of juicy Omaha steak. Available for $69.95, 10 steak. I don't know if you want to segue off the murder. Put me down for 10. Put me down for 10. I love a good steak. 70 bucks? Yes. I think, you know, if you've never murdered before, and I certainly hadn't. Have you murdered since?

Only in the two initiation rites. Okay, so have you ever killed a patient accidentally? Yes. In physical therapy? Yes. Okay. But I don't consider that murder because it wasn't intentional. I was trying to help the person and I just got too excited. Let's talk about that, actually. How did you kill a patient while you were doing physical therapy? I had a mailman in with a mild sprain in his calf. Okay. And I was like, this seems like a simple massage is all you need. We just have to let this heal on your own. Why don't you let me...

You know, you probably could just walk around. It'll heal. But you're here. I'll give you a little massage. Work out some of the soreness. Okay. One thing led to another. I would say, yeah, the fact that he came to the appointment, the whole you're here, we may as well do this. That makes sense. It does make sense. Do a lot of people make appointments and not show up? Yes.

And again, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. For my business, it's been up and down. And a lot of people make appointments and don't show up. Well, Gino, because of your basketball tournament, I'm sure you were pretty sore. Come by my clinic. I need to. Yeah, I got folded up the other day by my stepdad. You might leave dead. We need to hear this story. We're friends. Come by. No charge if you want to come by. You referred to yourself as being folded up? Yeah, my stepdad folded me up pretty bad. Like a Gap sweater?

Yeah, well, I wish it was like a gap sweater. Like a hideaway bed? Yeah, he folded me in half once at the waist, then in half again at the shoulders and hamstrings, and then in half the long ways, so my butt cheeks were completely wide open. Cheek to cheek? No, the other way. Completely open. That's the worst. And then he spun me around and was going, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

My open asshole. Like a jug band to me. A classic jug band. Well, I never knew the term for it. But you released the music on iTunes. It's always a cover of When the winters head and the rain and the rain and the rain and the rain and the rain

We have a special program for people who have been jug banded. We fold you the other way. We put a lot of heavy encyclopedias on you to flatten you out. That's what I need. It works like a charm. So what happened with the mailman? So he had a mild sprain in his calf. Sure.

Sure. No, we've already covered this. This is a friend of mine and he came by. He's a friend. Well, he's a mailman and we've become friends. Wait, wait, wait. What came first? He was a mailman first, but I would always chat with him when he dropped off the mail. Okay, so that's not a friend. That's, you know, he delivers your mail. I guess an acquaintance, but a warm, I felt like we would be friends. It's a service-based relationship. He enjoyed that?

He enjoyed being talked to? If he stopped being your mailman, would he still hang out with you? I think we've never done it, but I think we could do it. Oh, wait, this is the person you killed. But he's dead now. Okay, sorry. I felt like we had the vibe that that would have happened. If he was alive and you didn't kill him and you stopped being a mailman, would he still come to your house at the exact same time every day except Sunday? I would like to think that he'd go out of his way to maintain the friendship. I used to start planning when he would come by and wait by the mailbox to talk to him.

That is so sad. Yeah, you're like a dog. That's very sad. What would you plan? Like, what kind of stuff? I would sort of, I'd be there with, like, conversation topics that I knew would interest him, or I would deliberately have something weird on my face so he would have something to ask about. How would you? Okay, so that's what this is, then? Yes. Yeah. The weird. What's on my face right now? Yeah, the Gorbachev tattoo that you got? Yeah, sometimes I'm like, well, I wonder if people. It's a tattoo of his whole body, not just his birthmark. This is a tattoo of his whole body.

the full-figured Gorbachev on my forehead, and on that tattoo, on its forehead, is a little tattoo that actual Gorbachev had. Okay, but it's a tattoo. It's not a birthmark. It's a tattoo that he had? It was a birthmark, and then he outlined it just so people could see it. Yeah, Gorbachev got that birthmark tattooed. Wow. He started to lose it. It was like his trademark. He wanted everyone to know who he was. He's like, I don't want to lose this. And he tattooed the birthmark and then TM'd Gorbachev.

Yeah, trademarked it. Just because a lot of people were getting that same tattoo. Yeah. So it's like the Dennis, yeah, or like the Mike Tyson. It's like the Mike Tyson face tattoo. I have a question about the mailman. Okay. How did he die? That's mine. That's a good question. Did you go to his funeral? Yes. I felt terrible. I felt terrible. I love this man. I did not wish to kill him. Now you loved him? I loved him. You were arguing whether he was a friend or an acquaintance. Your relationship is escalating as the story goes on. Did you give a speech at the funeral? Yes, I demanded to. Okay.

So they didn't want you to? No, I was not welcome at the funeral. The charges were pending. You the graduate at this man's funeral? Yes. The charges were pending or are pending? They were and are pending. Okay, so it is still not decided. So I'm not a murderer because I'm... You haven't been sentenced. You're still hoping for manslaughter. You're still a murderer because of the initiations. I wouldn't even call it manslaughter. I would say it's a crime of passion.

Oh, crap. Okay, how did you start giving him a massage? He came in. He said, hey, let's... We know the beginning. He came in.

He wanted to open the door. Get to the end part. I'm about to commit a crime of passion in my pants. This is fucking hot. Good to see you. Good to be here. This is hot. This is like a Cinemax movie. This is fucking hot. He opens the door. He comes in. He's got a mild spray. Yes, we know. It's mild. Please, cut to smash cut to, in fact, the part where you're rubbing. Smash cut to. I don't think right now during the writer's situation we can use stuff like that. How did he get in?

He walked in the door. Good question. He parked in the parking lot. Did he make an appointment or was this a walk-in? Is it a walk-in clinic? He had an appointment.

He had an appointment. Okay. Was it under his real name or did he use an alias? I never knew his real name. How did you know he had an appointment? You never knew his real name? You said he was a crime of passion. I called him Skips. Why did you call him Skips? He had a little skip at his gate. Not in his step, but in his gate. He had a jaunty little hop now and then when he would walk. And I'd be, hey, Skips. And he's like, you know it. So you gave a speech at a funeral for a man's name. I didn't know his name. Skips is what Scott calls intellectual properties. Okay.

What? Yeah, it's a heavy work. I'll have to think about that just later. I get it. I'll get it after I get home. I'm doing the work right now, and I'm loving it. That's what the chalkboard is for? He walks in. He walks in. Yes, we know he walks in. He has a mild spray, and I'm like, this is going to make us friends. This is like our non- So you were not friends at this point. Wait, so you're in the clinic. He's in the clinic already? He's in the clinic already. This is the day he dies, and you're not friends yet. I knew that. I considered him my lover.

Emotionally. Emotionally. Sure. You're a psycho. You're a psycho. Could be. You targeted a disabled man for an emotional affair and then murdered. It could be. You said he was your lover. That wouldn't be how he would describe it. Like a Moby situation. What they taught us at Johns Hopkins is morality is extremely subjective. Can I ask you a question? When he showed up at the clinic...

To get his massage. Did he know you would be his physical therapist? No. Okay. Now, that must have... Imagine for Skips how terrifying... Imagine being Skips. How terrifying this would be. How did he get the sprain? I tripped him. Oh, God. From a distance. It's like I won't... Wait, wait, wait. From a distance. With a blow dart. With a blow dart. Into his calf. He tripped...

and fell over and then I lobbed a business card at him with the address of my clinic. Okay. Ten seconds later, he walks in. Ten seconds later? Ten seconds later. This happened at your home? In front of my home is my clinic. Oh, okay. So you gave him a business card for the place he was at? Yep, but he didn't put it together because he was disoriented.

He just thought it was a happy coincidence. I assume. He looked happy. He was trying to skip. Did you give him a happy coincidence at the end of the massage? I told him it was my policy to offer a happy coincidence. That's where you both accidentally come at the same time. That's right.

We jerk each other off and I try to time it that we both come. And I'm like, who would have thought that would happen? Nothing says come together like big Omaha steaks. I'll have another 10. He's down for 20. Give me 20 of those steaks. That's going to be 138. Whatever it is, I'm good for it. 139.99. Just Venmo it to I'm the bobblehead guy dash you know it 2346 of one half dozen of another are we done?

And then you could give it to her. Oh, I'll give it to her. Wait a minute. Zarin, you are married. I know. Hey, this guy tricked the disabled man. Okay, yeah, you're right. We shouldn't be casting the disabled man. He disabled the man and then tricked him. So what happened after you both achieved climax?

I never got to after him. Did he get to the house? Yes. How did he, did he go inside? He walked up to the door. Oh dear. He opened the door, he came inside. Oh. No, I,

No, no, no. Walked inside. We never got to the happy coincidence. I would have offered him that. I was going to end with a happy coincidence, which would have cemented our friendship. That's not a happy ending. It's a happy coincidence. Did I miss that? Yes, you did. What have you been doing? I love that you're tuning in and out while on the show. Jesus Christ. That's a tie. But we do appreciate you asking follow-up questions. That's a callback for...

from 90 seconds ago. It was not long ago. Where were you just now? It was very, it was very recently we established that. I have to be allowed to think of all their stuff. Todd's in a, Todd's fully a puddle right now. We need to rehydrate. Cut to. Yes, oh thank God. He consents to letting me massage his leg. He's like, well, if this makes it, because he didn't know that I did it. He's like, well, if this helps, because he was scared when he saw that it was me. Right.

But I was like, hey, I'm an expert. Just let me massage your leg. You'll feel better. Let's see where this goes. And in med school, you learned that massages are good for blowgun dart injuries? Yes. At Johns Hopkins, they were like, massages is usually the first line of defense in most medical problems. Morality is extremely subjective. Try a massage. So what happens during the massage or after? I start to massage his calf. Sure. And I'm like, it's happening. We're becoming friends. This is going to take us beyond the mailman customer. You

You've already jerked off together. Never happened. I was going to offer it. He doesn't know what's going on? Roast him. Drag him. Drag my ass queen.

Your ass queen. Wait, do you worship an ass queen? What's your ass queen? Of course. Do we really want to start talking about ass queen right now? Radio buttocks. No, I want to know how this goddamn male man. I got excited. Okay. And I thought the only... I need this to be a real permanent relationship. The only ritual that could come to mind...

for very serious matters as a machete fight to the death. And I brought out a machete, lined up my shot. Just one? He was not armed? And where does the crime of passion come in? Because I was excited. And I sliced his jugular vein. Wait, his juggalo vein? His juggalo vein. And then his bagel started spraying out. Bagel cream soda starts spraying. Miracles are everywhere. Rock and dry.

And then he died. And then he died. Wow. And charges are still pending because there was no witnesses. Wait, so when did the happy coincidence happen? Never happened. So what? You lied about achieving climax? I would have offered it and normally do offer it to my clients. So this murder was a lot like your initiations at John Hopkins. I guess it did end up like that. I've never put that together. Really? Okay. Yeah.

So anyway, and it's still pending despite the murder happening in your home. That's right. And despite this current, do you think this episode will be used in the trial? Yeah. I'm hoping that people take this podcast not seriously enough for it to be. I have great news. Well, I got news. If you ever read Reddit, motherfuckers take this shit seriously. Well, a lot of people, this is their lives. I just hope the lawyers of my trial are not fans of the show.

We have to get to our, I think, I believe these are our final guests on the show. I hope so. They've been on a couple of times, including once up in Toronto, up in the Great White North with us. They came and visited us, but they are in a band. Please welcome to the show Brantley Aldean, Harlan Haywood, a.k.a. Kansas City Breeze.

Hi, guys. Oh, no, that's not it. Memphis, Kansas Breeze. Memphis, Kansas Breeze. What did I say? Kansas City Breeze? Yeah, you did. We're in it together. That sounds like a cheap soda brand. Yeah, that ain't us. That's exactly what it sounds like. That's not you. You're Memphis, Kansas Breeze. Memphis, Kansas Breeze. We're here to sing a couple of Christmas tunes for you guys. Really? This is a holiday show. Oh, this is incredible.

He's off our new Christmas album. It's called Small Town, Good Times with Family and Friends, and also It's Christmas. That's a long title. That's the title? Yeah, that's the title. I like it. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.

But yeah, we're going to go ahead and sing one for you now if you don't mind. I don't mind. And in fact, I would like to encourage you to do so. I don't mind. You guys don't mind? Don't mind? Don't mind? I don't mind. I don't mind, Santa. Thank you. Sound speech. We're finally recording. Yeah, we're finally recording. And we'll pick up all the other stuff. All right. Do you want to say the title of this? Maybe I'll say it afterwards. Yeah.

You're going to say it afterwards. Are you going to say hello to me during this one? We'll see. Okay. We don't have titles for our songs. We only have footers. Okay. No headers? No headers. Just footers. Look like bibliography at the bottom. Ibbid. All right, go ahead and hit it for us. All right, Brantley. All right, Harlan.

What about me?

No? Uh-huh. It's Saturday night, time to have some fun. Gonna drink some beer, gonna shoot my gun. Then I notice the date's December 28th minus three, and that's the birthday of someone special to me. So I got some eggnog and I bought a tree, and I put Rudolph on the TV. I got my truck for Christmas as I go today, and that makes it this truck's Christmas birthday.

Christmas truck, Christmas party, every truck's invited. The trucks jingle the bells and they get excited. Pick up truck, Christmas party, having a blast. I left Santa milk and cookies made of gas. And instead of mistletoe trucks, kids under air fresheners. And instead of Santa Claus.

Oh yeah!

Wow. Yeah, oh, we appreciate that. Tomb Shed off. That is the signature of Memphis, Kansas. We bring our band to a halt in the middle of a beat. Stop it right there. I like that better than the fade out. I think the fade out is a cheat. Yeah, it's overrated. You can't figure out how to end the song. That's bullshit. We're all done with it. Let's be honest. Look for my neck, and when I do the cut it, stop on a dime. My neck.

I like how in that song, one of your signature moves in previous songs was to say beep and honk. This time you said ho and ho. We did say ho and ho. It's very Christmas themed. Yeah, we changed it to beep a honk to ho ho. Pretty classic Christmas switch up. What was the footer on that one? Oh, that's Trump's...

Christmas party. And parentheses, Christmas truck birthday party. Yes. Truck's Christmas birthday party. All right. Parentheses. Christmas truck's birthday party. Yeah, that's right. Close parentheses, I'm assuming? Close parentheses. No, we leave it open. We leave it open. There's a period. That was a big fight between us. You guys have a lot of punctuation in your song titles. In your footers, rather. Yeah. Let's go ahead and hit it with this next one. All right. All right. Brandy.

I'm right here, guys. All right. Jason Mantzoukas. Yeah. There once was a girl truck who didn't get invited to the truck school Christmas dance. No one asked her. She had to stay at home.

Eating Christmas Eve fruitcake made of gas. The most popular truck in Christmas school invited her to the dance as a Yuletide joke. The jock Christmas trucks were gonna laugh at her like Rudolph's mean friends. But then the boy truck took off the girl truck's Christmas sweater and realized just how pretty she was.

He learned that you can't judge a truck based solely on its appearance on Christmas. Because it's what's inside the truck that matters the most. You gotta open up the trunk to see what kind of gifts are inside. Then they both got elected Snow King and Queen of the...

Christmas truck dance, Christmas truck dance, Christmas, Christmas truck dance. Honk, toot, toot, toot, ding, dong, hazel, nut, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot

Wow, dude. I got a lot of questions. So the last lyrics are Folgers with Peter. Folgers with peanut? Peter. Peter. Folgers with Peter. Old classic. 1981 standard fan when Peter comes home. And his little sister runs downstairs and says, Peter. Number one. Boy.

Well, doggies. We did it. That, of course, was Memphis, Kansas Breeze that we just heard. It could be. We also heard Lily. Who's Lily doing? We just heard it. Shout out to Lily Sullivan. Shout out to Lily Sullivan. I forgot. I didn't write down who it was and I've already forgotten. And Will Hines, of course, doing his... We should talk about Will Hines' character. He came in as...

that character one episode where he said he was a doctor and then because of the questions we were asking him, we got way off track and he... He never talked about being a doctor, right? So in this one, he talks about... And he said, okay, with this character, I'm never going to...

talk about the thing I originally come in to talk about. So, uh, just ask me a bunch of questions and get me off track. And so, uh, he's playing, he's, the character is now a massage therapist. And of course we talk about the malpractice where he accidentally killed someone. Uh, that's really fun to do with Will, the great Will Hines. He's, uh, an incredible improviser, literally wrote a book on improvising. So you should read that. Um,

And that was really fun to do, and that was the last time that we all were able to do one of those big ones together. I know. I know. Do you want to go through the statistics? Yeah, man. Let's do it. You know, I'm a real numbers head. You really are. I'm like a Nate Silver. Your head looks like a number. My head looks like a number. Everyone hates me. Yeah. At one point, people really liked me. Then they started not liking me. And any time I say anything, people tell me to shut up.

Almost doesn't seem worth it. All right. So let's talk about the performers who were on multiple episodes in the top 16. All right. And we'll go down from the bottom. Yeah, I'll scream. And we won't talk about the people who were in one episode, but the people who were in two. And we won't talk about people that were in no episodes. Yes. The people who ended up twice in the top 16, you have Dan Lippert and Drew Tarver.

Both in two episodes. They're both from Big Grande and the Big Grande Teacher's Lounge podcast. Lily Sullivan ended up in three this year. Shout out to Lily Sullivan. Shout out to Lily Sullivan, of course.

Uh, winding up in four episodes, we have Ego Wotum, Sean Diston, John Gabrus, and Tim Baltz. A tickety-tie. That's right. All in four. Congrats to the four timers. Ending up in five episodes, we have Jason Manzoukas. Six. Six episodes. Who do you think has six?

Somebody great. Carl Tartt ended up in, he beat out Jason Manzoukas this year. I was right. Six episodes in the top 16. I mean, that's got to be the most. It is not, my friend, because coming in at eight, half of the episodes, Paul F. Tompkins, eight of his episodes ended up in the top 16. That's my name. Of course. And that's the person I'm talking about. Wait, that's me. Of course it is. I did it.

Can I say I was very... I'm flattered that that happened. And you didn't even juke the voting. I did not juke the voting. I am... I did not... Not only not recall how many episodes I did this last year, but I...

am very privileged to be a part of so many fun episodes. I had such a great time. I always have a great time doing the show and this is, I've said it before and I'll say it again. This show means a lot to me. It is such a light in my life and especially in these dark times to have it not only to, to be a performer on it, but to listen to it every week, um, means a lot. And I'm sure I speak for a lot of people out there who listen to the show that it is something to look forward to, um,

especially when everything's all fucked up. Well, I have been getting a lot of nice messages here and there about that, about thank you for continuing to do the show. And I'll be honest, there was a point where I was like, I don't know if we can do this. I remember that. And it was getting so frustrating that I was like, this may be, maybe it's not the end, but maybe we take a year off or something like that. But it really is...

a testament to our coworkers here at, at Earwolf. Yes. I want a great team. I want to thank them. I want to thank all of the engineers, of course, but one person I really want to thank is Kevin. Kevin, pretty much when the pandemic happened, uh,

could see how serious it was getting or how frustrating it was getting and really made sure that everything happened in order to

make sure that the show could continue. Yeah. He really has gone above, I mean, he's, he's like, we have a very long text chain. We are continually talking to each other all week about like just things that need to happen for the show. And it's, he really became hands-on with Comedy Bang Bang over the year. And this is his final episode that he is going to be working on. Yeah. And he is, of course, if you don't know the news, he's moving on to go work for

Hollywood Handbook, who is leaving the network and starting their own Patreon. And I know he's listening to this because this is his final episode. So he's forced to. He is forced to. He's forced to listen to me thank him. But I really do want to thank him. And I really don't think that the show could have...

on without his help doing it. So I really want to thank Kevin for that. Kevin is terrific. He's very generous with his expertise and he's helped me. He's just offered to help me out a lot. Like he's heard me on other things. Yes. Talk about having issues with tech and stuff because we've all been having to figure this stuff out in a way that we hadn't before. And like he'll shoot me a text and saying, if you ever want me to help you, I thought your sound was good. If you, if you want any, you know, uh,

help with any of that, let me know. You know, he's really, he's a great guy. He started as, he was saying on our R.E.M., or our Talking Heads show the other day that he started out listening, much like Sean Diston started out listening and then came to work. You don't think. They're the same person? I've never seen them together. I've never seen them together. I mean, together, together. Fucking. I've never seen them fucking.

I'd like to. That must mean they're the same person. Now that he's not my employee anymore, I can say I want to see him fuck. Wait, he still is while he listens to this. Oh, no. Scrow, abort, abort. Oh, I shouldn't say that. I'll see you in D's court. But, uh...

Good luck to you, Kevin. I hope that working for the Hollywood Handbook guys ends up being fulfilling. And please let me know if they ever drop the shtick around you because I'm fascinated. They don't seem to around myself.

Parking lot, Scott. It's true. Oh, let's also go through the months. You know how there were curious clumps? Yes. January, February, March, April, May. Okay, no, you don't need to list months. I thought we were going to go through them. The months that episodes occurred in. So this year, weirdly enough, in previous years, strangely, there's an ebb and flow to the show where some months are great and some...

are off for whatever reason. We, every month is represented on the top 16. Is that so? Other than August. Sucks. I don't know what happened in August, but all the other months have at least one. I bet I didn't do one in August. Let me check. No, don't. Okay. I actually could. I am going to check and I'll just see. Okay.

Oh. No, for whatever reason, August was not. That's funny. And there's a few really good ones in August. But that's just the nature of this year. It was a strong, strong year despite all of our challenges. March, for whatever reason, had three in the top 16. So that's the one month that had the most in there. You had the Order of the Keepers.

You had the Darcy episode with the Olympics. And then you had the Sean Diston Turtles episode. Those were all close up together. So I want to...

I've thanked Earwolf, the network. I've thanked the engineers. I've thanked Kevin. I want to thank July. I'll throw July in there. Why did you point at me when you said July? Because we were talking about him earlier. I'm getting there. Oh, by the way, electric guest.

is also on that last show, the band electric. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and they sang three songs. Uh, and, and so, uh, I forgot to mention them, but I do want to thank you, Paul. It's always, uh, as, as much as this is the hardest week of the year for me collecting all these clips and having to listen to my own voice for,

a week straight. The light at the end of the tunnel is the fact that we're going to get together and be able to have a lot of fun doing this. And we've been doing it for now a decade at least. Wow.

And so, and thank you so much for being on the show so much. I will count up how many episodes you actually did, but eight of yours in the top 16 is nothing to sneeze at. That's awesome. I'm very pleased. So thank you so much for being part of the show, not only this year, but the entire 12 years that we've been doing this. And most of all, I want to thank you, the fans. I really was concerned and worried when all of this started to happen that, you know,

The challenges of the show would turn people off and people would say like, it's just not the same. I'm not enjoying it anymore. Call me whenever you're back in the studio. And then I'd have to call all of the listeners individually. Yeah.

But no, it really, people have really, and there have been sound issues wherever, you know, people's mics, look, some of our guests, I'll be frank, have not even turned their mics on and they've had them right in front of themselves. That's true. But yeah, there are sound issues here and there and there's things we've worked through, but people really have been supportive of the show this year and have stuck with it and have even said that this year has been great, which, you know,

And at the beginning of all of this, I would have said hopefully people will just at least get through it. But I am very thankful that people at the end of this year have been like, this was a really strong year. And I agree. I mean, just listening to all of these clips, even though the top four are all pre-pandemic in the studio. But thank you to the fans. I really appreciate it. And look, we're going to be back next year.

And we're going to keep going, and there are no plans to end currently. We don't know what will happen, of course, with anything, but we'll see what happens in 2021. But I, for one, am looking forward to this year being over. It's over in just a few hours from now, and we'll be back in 2021, and hopefully things will look a lot brighter. Unless you had a great year this year. I don't know. There have to be people out there who are like, honestly? Yeah.

this was the best year of my fucking life ellen probably um but uh thank you to everyone uh i i look forward to uh uh you hearing me in 2021 i was gonna say hearing from you in 20 but i don't hear from any of you uh you just hear me um

Paul, anything you want to say to people? I want to say thank you to the fans as well, because not just for being a part of these, for them voting for these episodes that I was a part of, whether or not that was a factor in their decision, I don't know. But I appreciate it, and I appreciate the...

the people that have discovered me here that have, that have checked out stuff that I've done elsewhere because they, they liked me on this, on this show that you put me on and, and, and brought me to these people. And I really, I appreciate you for that. And I appreciate them for, for exploring the other things that I do. And it's, it's wonderful to be a part of this community. It really does feel like,

This year put a lot of things in like concrete for people. Yeah. In a way of how they feel about things. And it really it does mean the world to to me. And I don't want to speak for Paul, but I guess I will. That it means a lot to hear from you guys when you write to us and say that you appreciate Paul.

the schedule. Like I really, when this happened, I really tried to up my schedule of making podcasts. I was like,

Let's make stuff and have people—let's not only try to put out Comedy Bang Bang every week, but let me do the Talking Head show. Let me do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle show. So I really tried to sort of like ramp up production in order to keep people entertained this year. And it means a lot when I hear people say that it is a welcome distraction from the world out there. It's never lost on us. It's never lost on us because we—

We have stuff like that ourselves. Like that's so extremely relatable. And but it helps to hear, you know, it is it is nice to hear because it's like, OK, good. This is actually making some kind of difference. It's more than just like us having fun. It's you know, it's making a difference the way other things make a difference for me. You know, it's like how a doctor can, you know, like cure you of a disease. Unless you're unless you're his son.

And you're a woman. Surprise, you're a woman. We got our fifth joke in there. You're so sexist. You didn't even realize you were a woman. You didn't realize your mom was a woman. All right, one more time. One more time around the horn before we close up shop. Here we go.

Looking at me and then turned around and now is looking, sort of splitting the difference between me and the squirrel. Kind of where the squirrel goes. Where the squirrel goes, of course. Now looking back at Kulop up in the balc. And now one more time around? Is this the last hit? He's got one more to go. One more to go. Back at where the squirrel was. Come on, baby. Here we go. Oh, no.

Talk about your anti-climax. Great ending for 2020. Of course, that is 2020 in a D's nutshell. Well, happy new year, everyone. We'll see you in 2021. And before we go out, why don't we play one of those songs that Electric Guest played? This is a song that I've been listening to for a long time.

This is one of their songs that there's a little sort of Christmas surprise built in there as well. So that's fun. You can't have the number one episode have electric guests on and not play one of their songs. I can't argue with that. It's as stale as old as time. That's right. Beauty and the Beast. What? We will...

We'll see you next time for our first episode of the year. Keep smiling. This is terrible. We're never say that again. Bye. Walking around, but there's nothing in my head. Thought I was high shelf. Guess I'm something else. I can see now. Was misled. It's gone.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Thinking about myself is making me sad. I'm barely, still I'm here awake. In the off chance it might come back. I'm just waiting on, waiting on, waiting on something to come my way. These days it's hard to know.

But I come back again each day Cause I want more More More And I know most of them Are still on the move Cause I want more More More Now this really

Merry Christmas

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day

What's up? Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

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