Best of 2021 Part 1
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The Mandalorian!

The Mandalorian was filmed before a live studio audience. That's the show that should have done the WandaVision. It was The Mandalorian. Yes, The Mandalorian. Like, those shows are both so bad. Just swap premises. Come on. You don't like Mando? No, they're both great. That was my little joke of that they're both bad, but they're both good shows. Also, my joke was that I thought one was bad and one was good. Oh, okay. We're joking around. That wasn't a joke. We're joking around.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Best of 2021. My God. Here we are. Say gosh, please. I'm so sorry. Were you raised with gosh? I'm so sorry that I said God. Were you raised with gosh instead of God? I was. I don't think that I could have ever said. I.

I probably could have said God, you know, referring to... Our Heavenly Father. Of course. I use it, that pronouns. God, it, that. Yeah.

But no, I could not have said God, certainly not God damn, certainly not like, oh my God. I think I couldn't have said that either. Yeah. What about you? We could say, oh my God, we could not say Jesus Christ. No, we couldn't say that either. Even to the point where after my mother was not religious anymore, I said Jesus Christ in front of her and she like started saying it.

And she was like, I forgot. I'm not religious. I was like, yeah, you don't care anymore, right? She goes, no, but it's still. Yeah. My dad has taken a saying shit a lot recently, which is sort of surprising. An old man's indulgence. He first detects it, then he says it.

Uh, that is of course. No, no, we don't want to even mention it. That is of course a freedom reference. Guys, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Um, if this is your first episode, you don't know what the hell is going on. Can you imagine, Scott? I can. Somebody listening to the, what? Yes. This, do you know what scenario I'm going to posit? Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.

Can you imagine God making a rock so heavy that even he couldn't lift it? I fucking got him. Damn it. Got him and God. Suddenly I'm a robot that just explodes. Ticker tape comes out. What is love?

What is a ticker tape parade? Okay, so ticker tape is the tape, you know, when like... But why is it... Is it because they used to throw the ticker tape? That's exactly what it is. Okay, there, I figured it out. Yeah. I figured it out with the pencil and the pen. I figured it out. And then I threw it out the window. Wasteful. Only five cents! Um...

What you're listening to, if this is your first episode, and if this is even not your first episode, this is the best of Comedy Bang Bang. Guess what? You're also listening to this if it's your last episode. It very well could be. I know a lot of people who, they say, you know what? That's another year in the books. I'm done. You're saying they don't go this far? No, they listen this far and then they go like, okay, I don't think I need this for another year. I can only imagine. This meaning us? Yeah, us. What we're doing right now? Yeah. No.

Yeah, they don't even- Don't tell me that. I'm so sorry, but I believe it's the case. This is someone's first episode, someone's last episode. Every episode is that, I believe. Wow, that's really true. Yeah. That's really true. Every day somebody is born and somebody dies. And you don't want to be either. Yeah. Oh, that's right. It's like Twitter. Don't be the main character. You don't want to be either. Don't be the person who's born today. You're already alive. You're fucking up the system.

As everyone knows, every day on Earth, one person is born and one person dies. It evens out every day. Every day. So what you're listening to is the best of Comedy Bang Bang. Now, what is Comedy Bang Bang if you've never heard of it before? It's not this, what we're doing. It's not not this, though. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. I do it every single week.

And on these best of episodes, and I, okay, this is our 13th best of year. Are you fucking kidding me? Now, I don't know if you've joined me all 13 years. Did you? I think, I feel like, was there a year? It feels like it, for sure.

Was the second year, I know we didn't even do like a countdown the second year. We just did like random clips. I don't know. Who knows if you've been here all 13 years. I don't keep track of things where I'm not involved. So I don't know. I'm not the guy to answer that question. So were you here all 13 years? Yes. As far as I know. Okay. But with me co-hosting and in his own persona, and I'll explain that in a little bit.

We have, of course, comedian extraordinaire, rock contour extraordinaire, stand-up comedian, actor. Excuse me. Writer. What? I'm not a stand-up comedian extraordinaire? I was going to say all those things and then hit extraordinaire at the end so I didn't have to say it every single time. It seemed like you dropped the extraordinaire right as we got to the stand-up. Stand-up comedian. Iffy. Noire way.

Here he comes. Hey, Iffy. What's up, dude? Oh, he's got to go. Hey, no Jarls lately. We'll talk about that. We'll talk about Jarls. We have to talk about Jarls. We have to talk about Jarls. Stand-up comedian extraordinaire, actor extraordinaire, writer extraordinaire, voice actor extraordinaire. You think you're Iffy on the writer. Is that the least of your skills? Yeah. Interesting. Okay.

I'm going to say yes. All right. You know what? It's the thing I enjoy the least. I'll give you that, but I feel like it's maybe my strongest skill and I enjoy it the least. I think you're a very good writer. But it's so hard to do. Do you know what I realized recently? What's that? And we'll get to my name in a second. Okay. Thank you for— Hey, that's my line. My problem with writing is typing. I'm a bad typist. Interesting. And that makes it a frustrating experience. It makes everything—I have to go back and fix—

Like all the shit that I got wrong. You know what I don't like is writing. I kind of like rewriting. So what I've tried to do recently is just get through the writing part of it as quickly as possible and as poorly as possible, you know? Just like make it shitty and just get it out in a day. And then pretend somebody else wrote it. You're like, what? No, I got to fix this. This fucking idiot. What is he doing?

Or just make a friend of mine write the first draft. Oh, the Tom Sawyer strategy. Sure is fun. Write a first draft for me. Oh, that's being done in Hollywood all the time. Oh, yes. And I will get to his name right now. Paul F. Tompkins is joining me. Hi.

I say it like the little cat near the refrigerator. The little cat near the refrigerator? I don't know this guy. You're not familiar with this cat? No, who is this? He's a little, he's a cat who says hello like a southern gentleman. A camera, it's a fun video, camera goes around a corner and sees this cat that's next to the refrigerator and the cat looks at the camera and says, well, hi!

I don't know. Is this a video? Is this a meme? What is this? It's a video. I think maybe it could be a meme. Okay. I haven't seen it memified. Where can I check this out? Is this on YouTube? The tube of the people. YouTube. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

We the people. This tube is for you. If you went on YouTube and there was a big, like, you know how when you go on anyone's Twitter and there's a big, we the people, like in the Constitution font, you know that they're the worst person in the world? Absolutely. What if that was YouTube? We the people, YouTube. We give you videos of people trying to scare someone and then getting punched.

If that was all YouTube was, great. I'm in. Honestly, that is- I would be on it every day. Me too. And I'm sure I could be on it every day and just watch that and it would be fine. Absolutely. I think it's my favorite genre of YouTube video. God. America's Funniest Home Videos. R.I.P.? They should have started YouTube.

Don't you think? They had all the videos. They should have started YouTube. And you know what? At the very least, they should have sued YouTube. Yes. Saying, I think we invented this concept. We invented, like, someone having a video and, like, displaying it. They should sue YouTube. We invented the concept of people watching videos of people they don't know. SueTube. Why did they drop the home? Because they call it a...

H no, AFV, AV, AVN, right? No, no. AFV. In vitro fertilization. Yes. IVF. I don't know. AVN. Well, it's just, it's too much. It's too complicated to have it be. I, what is it? A. No, I'm thinking of IVF. I before A, V before N. America's funniest videos. Oh, funny. It's not favorite.

No. They all have to be funny. They're funny, but people don't like them? Oh, a lot of people don't like them. Most of that shows- America's least favorite funniest home videos. You don't like them, but you got to admit they're funny. Funny is funny. But you hate them. Yeah. You hate to admit that they're funny. America's funniest home videos. Yes. That was the original title when my man Bob Saget hosted. That's funny.

That's right. And then- He did all the voices. And now it's just- But didn't they call it a- I don't know. We're never- If only Lorne Lapkus were here. They've shortened it to America's Funniest Videos. They just call it America's Funniest Videos now. So did they get rid of the H because it's- Yeah, I don't know why they got rid of the H. But they still- God, people are screaming at their- Good. Let them scream their throats out. At their wives right now. And husbands. I hope. Ha ha ha!

People are screaming at their spouses right now. I hate you like I hate these videos. Turn this off. Let me explain what this is that you're listening to. Okay. Good luck. So Comedy Bang Bang is a podcast. It's been around for over 12 years, 12 and a half now-ish, 12 and seven months. And we've been going since 2009.

I've hosted it from the beginning and I took a little time off along the way and Paul hosted one or two as I recall and Jimmy Pardo hosted a couple. Jerry Minor hosted a few. That's right. But I've been here since the beginning for the most part. The majority, the preponderance of the podcast. Preponderance doesn't sound positive to me. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, what does it sound like? You got like you... It sounds like too much. Oh, it's too much. Like a preponderance. A lot of people would agree with that. He was there for the preponderance. Scott, I want to talk to those people and say, you shut up. Okay. Here's a platform for you. This is my YouTube. I want to tell everyone who has a problem with anything that happens here on this show ever... This is a safe space. It should be. It's the safest of spaces. I'm a little snowflake, short and stout. And I want to tell you to shut up.

Shut up. Shut your little pig mouth. You little pig. You disgusting little pig. You rude, thoughtless little pig. That's what it was. I couldn't quite get the phrasing right. Rude, thoughtless little pig. Certainly the most famous thing that he's known for. Oh, the rude, thoughtless little pig guy? Yeah. What's he been up to lately?

Anyway, so this is a podcast. We've been doing it since 2009. Keep reciting. And basically what it is, is here's the format of the show. Oh, good. Here we go. And we never talk about this unless we're on the best ofs. If you're listening to a normal episode, we never break down and explain what the show is. Break down, explain what the show is.

We never do that because we just want you to be immersed in it and have a good experience and then forget about it the minute you press stop. We want you to be a bunch of Jeremy Strongs and be immersed in the show. You think it's reality. And this is a real question. Would he be as popular if his name was Jeremy Week? I got to say no. I got to say no. It's a real flex calling yourself Jeremy Strong. Absolutely. And is it his real name?

It's like Hugh Jackman. I've talked about this before. Yeah. He gave himself the name Huge Jacked Man and he took out a couple of the letters and he's just like Hugh Jackman. Right. He didn't think he could get away with it. Yeah, but no, we know he's doing it. We see you, Hugh Jackman. We see you. We're doing the Robert De Niro pointing eyes. But Jeremy Strong, it's like, dude, come on. What if his real name is...

Joshua Littleman. I mean, compared to Greg, he is a little bit, but everyone is compared to Greg. He's so tall. Oh my gosh. Do you know what I heard? What? He's still growing. No. Greg, cousin Greg is still growing? He's going to get bigger than that. Would this show be more popular if it were a succession recap podcast?

Undoubtedly. With Jeremy Strong hosting. Undoubtedly. Do you think he ever will? Jeremy Strong hosting a succession recap podcast where he talks about what happened during each episode. Who would be the person that's going to host that podcast? Greg definitely will, but he'll have to team up with someone. He'd be the likeliest candidate. I'm going to say it's somebody who was on a bunch of episodes, but not all of them. Like the guy, the bald guy. Bald guy. He's like one of the business dudes. Fisher?

Not Fisher Stevens. Okay. I don't consider him a bald guy. I, I, yeah. He's, he's got the Charlie Brown like lines drawn on his. He's got a Phil Collins. Right. Yeah.

No, I forget the character's name. Frank, maybe? I don't know. I don't know. But Greg definitely will. Maybe. Do they get Kieran involved? I don't know. No, he doesn't. I think of all the main cast, I think Greg is the most likely candidate, but I can't say for sure that he would. Yeah. But I would say like. I think he does it within the year. I would say maybe Jerry. Jerry. It's Jerry and Greg. Jerry and David Rash.

Yeah, David Rash. Yeah. Of course, he's got the comedy background, Sledgehammer. Of course, Sledgehammer. Multiple episodes of DAG. Yes, Paul F. Tompkins from TV's DAG. That's probably where people know me from. Yes, that's right. The character of Sullivan Pope. But this probably, I was saying it'll happen in 2022. It happens by March. The rate at which these podcasts are happening is increasing. They're just leaving.

on the table. It's like the gremlins. Logan Roy wouldn't leave money on the table. That's right. Neither should they. Fuck you. Fuck off. Fuck you. You fuck off. You have a dick the size of a tiny dick. Wait, are you writing for the show? Yeah. I love that when they're not sure what to do, they just end a scene with fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

All great plays should just use that as a crutch. All great plays. Long Day's Journey into Night should just be like, fuck off. The very last line. Curtain. They truly were all my sons. Fuck off. They truly were.

Isn't that the last line of All My Sons? Something like that. Who knows? I think it was. That can't be true. That's one of the plays that I remember having the title of the play be the last line. But I could be wrong. But the last line can't be, they truly were All My Sons. I think it's something very close. All right. We're going to have to look this up. Do you know the plot of All My Sons? No. Okay. You seem embarrassed to say that. Okay.

It's about basically a war profiteer who has like three of his own sons. All of them?

And he's rich. Like, he's a rich guy. I should hope so if he's a war profiteer. But he – then it comes out throughout the show that he – it's a lot like Succession in a way. But it comes out throughout the show that basically he sent off faulty parts for airplanes or something like that and a ton of people died. And then he realizes at the end that they were all his sons. Like, not – he was trying to protect his sons, but –

But all of these kids who died were his sons. This guy sucks. Yeah, this guy sucks. And I think that, I mean, I don't think the play is hiding that fact. Let me tell you something. If you're going to be a war profiteer and hey, God love you, do what you want. Sure. But-

It's a free country. Be good at it. You know what I mean? Does it, does it, does it, how does it hurt your bottom line if you're, if you're sending them like parts that work instead of faulty parts? It actually does hurt the bottom line. That's why he did it. You find that out in the play. But how much? How much? Millions and millions of dollars. Did he just get greedy? No. In fact, he says I wasn't greedy at all. I wasn't greedy at all.

This is an interestingly written play. I'm not greedy. I've got to catch it. They truly were all my sins. That's the very last line. Star Wars, by the way. Okay, so. Star Wars, by the way. So Greedo. Greedo. He's the greediest character. Do you think it's just an unfortunate coincidence? Yeah.

But also, is he really greedy or is he just doing his job? Ikazato Solo. Well, that's the thing is like, okay, why call him Greedo when he's really just, yeah, he is doing his job, but he's not out there like cheating anyone. No. He's about to shoot Han Solo for money. For money. He's been hired to do a job. By Jabba the Hutt. By Jabba the Hutt. That's the other thing. So Jabba, they call, so what's his name? Skywalker? No, Lucas. Lucas.

Are we talking about the movie Lucas now? Yes. Okay, good. Where they clap at the end. They do a slow clap. They do a slow clap. Now, do you call that the Brubaker clap or the Lucas clap or something else? I call it the Brubaker. Okay, I call it the Lucas because I think that's when I was aware of it. Exactly. I'm a little older than you, so of course it would be the Brubaker for me. It would also be the Janet Jackson microphone or the Madonna.

a microphone. For me, it's the Howard Jones microphone. Exactly. For another generation, the Britney Spears. Sure, of course. Does anyone know what we're talking about? Dua Lipa? I don't know. One. So Greedo, I don't think is that greedy. He's not that greedy. I think he's just doing his job. So did Lucas call him that in order for us to know that he's a bad guy immediately? All the names seem like shorthand of like, you know. Yeah. Like Greedo, you're not going to like him, so we'll call him Greedo.

Like they should just call him like, when you see him, you'll want to like him. Of course. Call him butterface. With star Wars, it wouldn't be that much different than what it is. If there was a character named butterface, Robert butter, Lord butterface. Yeah.

But he's got to be really handsome and have a terrible body. No one talks about butterbods, do they? Butterbods. Let's get it into the conversation. There's a real butterbod. It's a shame. It's a shame when you see a butterbod. It really, really is. Okay, so the format of this show. Bajaba was a hut.

So they call him Jabba, like jabbering, like you're not going to like him because he's like talking a lot. Well, they call him Jabba. The Hutt. He's a Hutt. A Hutt, I guess, is like it's a shit. It's shittier than a house. So that's like a clue that you're not going to like him. Like, oh, he lives in a hut. But no, he doesn't live in a hut. No, I know he doesn't. But what I'm saying is, is Lucas called these characters intentional names so that you don't like them. So do you think Hutt is a slam on the race of Hutts?

Like they're not as good as a house. Yes. I don't consider houses to be different races. Right. But I'm saying hut is a race. That's just me. Hut is a race. Yes, a hut is a race in Star Wars, but I mean – Motherfucker, did you think I was trying to say that houses are different races? Yes. No. That's not what I was trying to say. That's how your sentence was structured. Now who am I? Me? Yes. Okay. Okay.

Anyway, enough about Star Wars. We'll get back to it later. We'll get back to it. It's definitely going to happen. By the way, call me up a little later on the show. Call me up a little later. Call me up a little later in the show. Let me know how you think it's going and if I should quit. No, call me up a little later on the show. We have the most exciting moments in podcasting. We'll have a visit from the snowman.

Oh, he's here. Mr. Police, we gave you all the clues. And now we're going to find out who you choose. But here's the format of the show. Okay, so every week when you listen to it, I'm the host, I'm playing myself, or at least a version of myself. This also happens when you don't listen to it. Yes. So don't worry. It's still going on. We're not trying to give you a lesson in object permanence, but the show still happens when you don't listen. I'm the host, I'm playing myself, or a version of myself, the most annoying aspects of myself. Can you ever drop the act?

You know, that's funny that they don't turn it around on me because I'm the one who doesn't drop the act. Those guys actually are pleasant.

Although I would never say that to their face. Oh, my God, no. On mic. And we'll cut this part out. Yes, of course. Devin, cut this out. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. But so I'm myself, and then we most times, but not always, will have a celebrity on who's coming on to plug their latest project. Sometimes maybe they're not there to plug their latest project. They're there to be uncomfortably confused. Yes, 90% of the time. They don't know what's going on.

But so they'll be themselves over the past year. We've had many and you'll hear a lot of them on this Best Of episode. But then we have very talented comedians and improvisers who are playing fake people. They're playing characters, as we say in the trade. That is an industry term for fake people. Yes. Yeah. And one that I believe we coined. I don't think anyone ever said the word character before the Comedy Bang Bang podcast. You should sue Netflix.

For having that movie that said cast of characters at the end. That movie that said cast of characters. Do they say cast of characters? By the way, last night we saw a trailer for the – there's another Downton Abbey movie, which I never heard about. Like they secretly did this movie? No, no. I've been clocking it. It's – yeah, it's definitely been on my radar. But at the end of the trailer –

Instead of listing the actors' names, they listed the characters. They're like, all your favorites are back. Like, yeah, I know. Lord Grantham or whatever. But let's say you have no idea what that is. What is that going to mean to you? Well, if you had no idea, you'd be looking at that going, who's this movie star, Lord Grantham? Is this a documentary? The Dowager Countess is in this?

I'm excited, though. Do you like those movies? Do you like the show? I mean, they're good. I think that show is such— It's just comfort food. It's comfort food. I love—like, that period, visually for me, is like— It's sumptuous. It's a sweet spot. It's a sumptuous feast. It's a sumptuous feast for the— I came out of the last movie saying, like, they could just make one of these every two years, and I'd be very happy. Yeah, what else do they have to do? Yeah, what else is anyone doing?

The only thing I need is Lord Grantham to do double duty and make a Paddington 3. Yes, we need Paddington 3. We need you, P3. I thought they were making a Paddington 3. They fucking better be. One and two. Oh, boy. The best one-two punch of fake bear movies of all time. Yeah, because they never made a sequel to The Edge. That was fake? That was a real bear. We saw Paddington 2 first.

And then eventually we were going to, we were like, we should watch Paddington 1. How does 1 hold up then if you've seen like 2 is, it's still great. Yes. But I believe it's a little more simple. Absolutely. Okay. 2 is really something special, but 1 is like a delightful movie. Paul, this is not a movie podcast, is it? Because I feel like people are getting confused. Oh, fuck.

Wait, are we not even allowed to talk about movies? Are we alive? Are we ourselves? Am I dead? So people play characters. They come on the show, and we improvise the show. A lot of people say – we've talked about it over the years on The Best of, so maybe there's not enough confusion. Yeah.

No, there's not any confusion anymore. But – I think there's just enough confusion. People say like how much is planned out and I think 95 to 98 percent of the time nothing is planned out. I think less and less as it goes on. Yes, definitely. I think earlier in the early years because it was coming off of a live show. Like 12 AD. Sure. Because I was –

It was based on a live show that I was producing at the UCB Theater. I knew people's acts really well and they would come on to the show that I was doing and they would play characters. And so a lot of the times in the early years, it was like, hey, do that bit that you've perfected on stage and I'll just set you up.

But these days it's all purely like sometimes the performer knows what they're going to do. Sometimes they don't. And we'll talk about that a little later. Sometimes they just have a name and they're just find it in the moment. Exactly. But it's conversational improv. We we talk to these characters. We we find out what their hopes, dreams, where they're going after they die. Exactly. That's a big part of the show. The existence of God.

But no, we talk to the characters and we just try to find out what their deal is, essentially. And that's the format of the show. And it's been going for now over 12 years. And that is what you're listening to. And Paul is one of our most treasured guests. That's true. One of the only four who have been on the show every single year of its existence. Wow. That's right.

And the number keeps dwindling. I believe Lauren dropped off the list this year. That's sad. Well, she had her baby. Was she on in the first year? I don't know. Or maybe she... Yeah. No, she wasn't. No, she couldn't have been on the list. She was more than that. But this was the first year since she started doing the show that she dropped off. She was still a babysitter. Yeah. At that point. And then suddenly she was a movie star and got on this show. Exactly. That's a three to Minside Joe. It's the babysitter to Comedy Bagbag Pipeline. Yeah.

So many babysitters out there are dreaming of being on this show. I know, but only... They're not even interested in comedy. Only three can make it. No one even wants to be in comedy. They're just out there. If you're a babysitter, you probably will end up on comedy. What if that was a reality show, a reality competition where it's babysitters are competing to get on this show? And what do they have to do? Because...

They're still babysitters, so they can't be doing improv. That would be a good – I mean, I would like that more than – because when you say like, oh, Comedy Bang Bang, do a reality show, like no one ever would. But if they were to say it, it would be like, okay, yeah, we'll like have a competition with comedians. But I like it way better just taking like babysitters. Absolutely. Babysitter randos from across the country. The winner gets to be on an episode of Comedy Bang Bang. I love it. I love it too. Here's –

They cannot be interested in doing it. That's the one rule. They won't be. But we should put that in writing. Yeah, that they can't be. They cannot be interested and in fact may even not want to accept the prize. What if there's a scandal and one is secretly interested? Oh, yeah. It's basically like on The Bachelorette when, you know, one of the guys comes on and they're like, you had a girlfriend when you came on. You just wanted to be on TV. Yeah.

You didn't know this happens, Paul? No. People have secret boyfriends and girlfriends. Happens? More than once? Yes, it happens all the time where people are like, and they always, this is how they react. Button for love. This is how they react every single time. Oh, I mean, we like, you know, messaged each other a couple of times. Every time. Yeah.

We messaged each other because they know messages will come out. And so that's their first line of defense of like, oh, we messaged each other. But we're not like – I mean we said maybe we'd meet up. Oh, I mean, yeah, we met up five times. We got married. That's a photo of our families all standing together. Toasting us at the altar. Do you watch that show every year?

Yeah, I believe I've seen every episode, although I do fast forward through the dates, usually. Why? Because I'm not really that interested in whatever dumb shit. You just want to see the dynamic of all these weirdos together. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm interested in. I don't really care. But you want to see two idiots try to have a conversation. Especially because they've just...

Like they always put down a plate of food in front of them, but you know they've just eaten. Right. And so they've just eaten and had a real probably interesting conversation. Right. But because they don't want people eating on camera, then they're like, okay, now we're turning the cameras on. Here's some food. Don't eat it. Here's your beef stroganoff. And then they have their fake TV conversation of whatever is –

Basically, it's whatever the person who is competing for love has, whatever tragedy that person has undergone that they feel like they need to say in order to make themselves seem deep. Right. And they do that on every date. Every date. That's the formula for every date. So I don't know if you heard this yet, but my parents died in a mining accident. You're the fifth date.

Blood diamonds. I don't know how much you guys talk. Blood diamonds. They were trying to save some blood diamonds. From blood diamond mine? They were trying to save them? Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Do you think there are people out there? Trying to liberate those diamonds. Do you think there are people out there batting blood diamonds out of people's hands? Yeah. Back into the mine? Somebody's trying to, yeah. Somebody's trying to put on a necklace and somebody smashes it. Smashes it. Pop! Put that down!

Hey, look, if you're wearing blood diamonds right now, I'm mad at you. Yeah. Paul's mad. This is my quote on record saying that if you're wearing blood diamonds, he's, he's a little peeved at you. Yeah. I'm mad. Yeah. Or at least annoyed. Well,

Yeah, I'm ticked off. And you have to go a long way to make it up to me. By giving you some blood diamonds. I love them. I love them. Okay, you got me. I love blood diamonds. I want your blood diamonds. If you have blood diamonds out there, send them care of Comedy Bang Bang. What if George Michael had sung I want your blood diamonds instead of I want your sex? From Arrested Development?

Remember when it was funny that you could name a character in your thing after a famous person and go like, oh, I'm not the real one. Michael Bolton. Yeah. Yeah. Although that was a funny – he should change his name. That was really funny. That was funny and it was funny on Arrested Development and then every single script you received had it in there. I kind of forgot about that on Arrested Development. Yeah. Yeah.

You did. Here's the proof. You're explaining it to me. You're a confused face. Tell us the whole story. But did it come up? Did they do it after the first season? Call him his name? No, did it, like the idea of other people hearing his name and then. Oh, I don't even know if it had, if it was even pointed to in the first episode. I think it was just like a thing. It was just so funny that his name was George Michael. Yeah.

I don't, I think they just said, now, George, they just, like, you were inured to it after the first episode. And the idea was like, isn't it funny his name is Joe? I'm getting mad at this. Okay. Go ahead. Say your speech. Get it off your chest, Paul. By the way, this comes up a little later in one of, I believe it's in one of our clips. Is it okay to say get it off your chest these days?

Are you asking me or do you want to wait till we hear the clip? Let's wait till we hear the clip. And it might be in one of our first ones. I do have my answer though. Okay. No, actually it's coming up a little later. If you're going to tell me that you live in a world where office space already exists. Yeah. The famous Michael Bolton scene. You should change his name. Very funny. Very funny. Good movie.

You then think not only are you going to name a character after a famous person in your TV show, a TV show, not a movie. This is going to go, if you're lucky, for multiple seasons. And it did. And it did. And then they did something on Netflix. Then, and you're not even going to.

Like address the fact that he has the name? Do you think the character should have turned to camera and said like, by the way, we know this happened in office space. That's exactly what they should have done. But we're not going to address it. No.

And then back to the show. I don't think they ever did it like off. I think it was different. I think it was executed differently where just his name was George Michael and no one ever said like, oh, like the singer or anything. And it was supposed to be funny that his name was George Michael. Yeah, I think it was a little more subtle. So I don't know. I don't know. It's been it's been quite a few years since I've seen that. It was funny at the time, but I haven't revisited it.

Doubt I'll get to it again before I die. That show was fat. Funny at the time. Let's get that going. P-H-A-T. No, it can't be. P-Funny. We know P-Funny.

Have I explained the show? Yeah, you did, right? Who cares? There's nobody that has never listened to this that is still listening. I mean, I don't know. I don't think so. I think a lot of people get into the show from the best of us. We've talked about that earlier on the show. Did you just take a creeper shot of me? No, I'm pulling up my notes. God, what if after I pass away, everyone goes through my phone and it's filled with creeper shots of Paul? Fuck.

Filled! That's why you have me on this long day every year. Right, yes. So you take more and more pictures. By the way, we're taping all of these. This is the first of four episodes. I'm covering for Paul blowing his nose. Sorry! You're not hearing it. But this is the first of four episodes we'll be doing. One, you're listening to the one that came out today.

Another will come out this Thursday, another one week from today, and another, our final fourth episode, a week from this Thursday. We are going to be counting down, how many episodes do you think we're counting down this year? 300. No, we did not even- It's actually lower. 299? I'm not going to do that to you. Price is right, me. 200. 200. Nope, lower. 100. 100.

Lower? 99. Okay, now your price is riding me. No, we're counting down 15 episodes this year, Paul. Top 15. Top 15. We put out, if I had to guess...

We put out 53. No, no, no, no, no, no. 51, because then we also did the best of. So I think we put out 51 regular episodes, if I'm guessing correctly. Okay. And we're counting the top 15. And by the way, this is all based on you, the listeners' votes. We put up a poll around Thanksgiving, and everyone chimed in and- Everyone. Every single person in the world. Great turnout. It was crazy. Better than the general election here in the United States. It was insane. And who's the general now? No.

Call Whitman. I didn't vote for him. General now. Maybe Shaq will answer the phone. Shaq? Shaq. Shaq? Shaq. Yeah, maybe Shaq will answer the phone. I clearly said Shaq. Oh, Shaq. You said Shaq. I said Shaq. Thank you. Devin.

Who pays your salary? Not me. I want to find out. No, it's me. Because I want them to fire you. I do it. What? You've been paying Devin salary this whole time? I've been paying Devin, yes. How nice of you. It's a Christmas miracle. You're welcome. It, by the way, is, today's the 20th of December. And that's, and by the way, wet weather pelting the Southland today as we tape this.

Torrential rain. We got torrential rain coming down later on. More of the same when we get on our board at 11. Point, flat hand, fist. Point, flat hand, fist. Go back about five years to hear us talk about it. Go back about five years. That's a weird insult. Why don't you tell me that? Why don't you go back about five years?

Go pop yourself, you blister. If you're out there listening. Oh, that was West Side Story last night. If you're out there listening, you got to sell it. Got to sell it. But say that to someone and see what they'll probably act like it was a mean insult. Absolutely. Because if you say it with if you sell it, you got to say it with the right cadence. Hey, why don't you go back about five years?

Let's try it. Do it to me. I'll say something that you don't like. Okay. Don't actually hurt my feelings. I'm not actually going to hurt your feelings. What are you going to do? Just run it by me first. I'm going to say you were in a play and it didn't seem like you were well cast. Who are you? My mother? She actually said this to me. Pick something else. Well, I know I'm not my mother because I would have told you that you spoke too fast. And that would be your only review of the play. Okay. Let's say you got – let's say you're trying long hair.

Like you grew your hair out. It's a little close to home. God, you're never going to... Come on. It's a little close to home. Okay. Let's say you're wearing color contacts. I might do that at some point. So we should stay away from that. Nobody with blue eyes ever wears color contacts. That's a great song. Is it a great song? That's a great song. At least a great song title. Great song title. But the song is terrible? What a genre do you think that song is? What genre? Is there a genre of...

terrible songs with the best titles. Can you think of one right now? I know there are a bunch of Morrissey ones where I go like, oh man, the song did not live up to, like, let me look up this one right now. But that's like all of his songs are like the titles are these big grand things and they can't always match up. I think Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning.

It is a great song title. Sounds like a Gary Larson cartoon. Gary Larson, if you're out there, why don't you collaborate with Morrissey? Gary, you should have done it. That's like one of those, that's like a play where they imagine these two people that never met getting together. Right. In the afterlife. Well, there's some play now, it's a musical called,

That's about three famous people who did like acid therapy in the 60s. Oh, wow.

All of them getting together for a weekend in Malibu and tripping balls. And doing more at... Aldous Huxley, Cary Grant, and Claire Luce Booth. Who's Claire Luce Booth? I know Amuse Boosh. Is it that? Playwright? Yes. She is an appetizer. She is a living appetizer. Okay. Oh, so she's still alive. No one's eaten her yet. No, she was a playwright who became... Did she become like an activist or something? Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

But this play, this musical is like, what if these people got together and tripped balls? And it was a musical as well. There's nothing more depressing than you're enjoying something like a song or – look, there's a lot more depressing than this. Let me be honest. Stick to your guns. Okay. All right. There's nothing more depressing. This is the most depressing thing anyone could ever think of. Yeah.

But you're listening to a song you're enjoying or you're seeing a performance in a movie you like and then you're like, wow, I'm just enraptured by this. And you look them up on Wikipedia and find out they're a total piece of shit in real life. Always go to Controversy first. Personal life and Controversy. Yeah. Controversy. I was enjoying a song. Yes. I'm just thinking on Prince's Wikipedia page. Yes. Is there a Controversy section? Is it all about the album? And it's just a link to his single. Yeah.

No, but that wasn't the name of the album, right? What was the name of the album? It was. I think he had. And it had like all the newspaper clips and all that stuff? Yeah, it was both a song and an album. There we go. One of his, let's see if we can list the song titles that were actual albums by Prince. Oh, shit. Purple Rain. Dirty Mind. Oh. Sino of the Times. Sino of the Times. Around the World in a Day. Prince. Prince.

Batman was not. It was bad dance. Prince was not. My name is Prince. My name is Prince. He did not call it. Diamonds and pearls. Diamonds and pearls. I'm Prince. The big symbol.

No, he never did a song called The Symbol. I would love to hear him try to pronounce it. Oh, my God. Prince, come back to life and pronounce it. He was a coward. That's why he died. I forget why we were talking about this. Anyway, what do you say? Paul, should we get to this? It was the most depressing. There's nothing more depressing. Oh, yeah. Who was it? I was enjoying a song, and I looked her up, and it was like, she was a famous singer in the 50s who became an anti-gay activist. I was just like, oh, fuck.

And you don't know. Like it's better to be in blissful ignorance, I guess. Exactly. Or maybe it's not. Maybe it's better to know and say like, well, I don't know. Well, the problem with blissful ignorance is that you might go shoot your mouth off like this person's great. That's true. And then you're talking to someone whose life was destroyed. Should you Wikipedia anyone you ever talk about? For sure. Yeah, definitely. I think you should be able to interrupt a conversation and say, you know what? Before I say this, let me do a quick wiki search. Right. On my goo-goo glasses. Goo-goo.

On my goo goo glasses. Goo goo glasses. I would wear them if they called them goo goo glasses. For sure. They're not still around, right? No, no. But isn't face, I thought, or metaverse face plant. That's what people would do when they wore their goo goo glasses because they'd trip over them. Exactly. They'd crack on the sidewalk and break their method back. Break your fucking neck. Anyway, let's get to it.

You ready to start this countdown? You ready to go on this one last adventure? Yes. Did you say one last adventure? We're never doing this again? No, we should do it one more time. Okay. One last adventure before the end of the year, though. You have to agree on that. Let's get to it.

Let's get to the first episode that we're going to be listening to. By the way, we're listening to clips of the episodes. By the way, we're listening to clips of the episodes. But let's get to it. This is your episode 15. Number one, five. Okay, so this, by the way, this deserves a little explanation. Yes. Yeah.

Okay. So in previous years, we have said, Paul, that you and I are going to rerecord these jingles that we've been using since the very first year. Yeah.

I even propose we get like a stable of Comedy Bang Bang All-Stars. A stable of geniuses. Comedy Bang Bang All-Stars who can sing. Who can sing, yeah. And even one who can't. One who can't. And we all just like glare at them. Yeah, after everyone. It doesn't really hurt the thing. Why did we invite you?

And we record all the numbers. We record like a bunch of numbers. A little background. 13 years ago when we did the first one of these best ofs, I really wanted the, you know, I was inspired by the radio countdowns that I grew up with in the 1980s. They were very inspiring. Of, you know, every week you'd listen to the top 40 countdown and they'd have these jingles that they paid for. Number one and all that. You just heard it.

So the engineer who was working with us at the time, we scoured the internet, and I believe I found these on a website that you could download. And all it is is numbers 1 through 10, and we couldn't find any that were like through 40. And so when you're hearing this, we don't have the actual number 15, so we have to do number 1, 5. Whoever these people were, they could not predict a countdown going higher than 10. Yeah.

So, but every year I know we talk about, we're going to rerecord these and we ask for you to remind us about two months out, I believe. Thank you. You know what? And a lot of people did. I'm going to say three. Oh no, they did. Yes. A lot of people did. We got, we got your messages. A lot of people said, Hey, this is just to let you know that you need to record these. And here's the other thing.

I did not ask Devin about it. Devin's a musician, our producer Devin. He's a musician. He could have helped us. But the one time I ever mentioned it. Big nod from Devin. Big nod. I could have, yes. Devin is very agreeable in that way. But the one time it was on my mind and I mentioned it, I happened to be over at our good friend Engineer Brett's house recording a different show. Let me pick up that name you just dropped. Sorry. I know. He's very famous. Yeah.

And I casually threw it out there hoping he would jump on it like, oh, that's a cool idea.

He could not have been less disinterested in helping with that. Could not have been less disinterested. So he was very interested. No, he was slightly more disinterested. He was still way there on the disinterested scale, but he was slightly less. He was probably thinking, I'm not going to jump at this because I have plenty of shit to do already. Yeah, probably. But, you know, I mean, it's kind of fun. Why do any of this unless it's fun? Why do anything?

Unless it's fun. I remember I went – there was a guy that I watched one time, a comedian that I worked with who a segue – back in the day –

it seemed very important to have segues for your comedy bits. Like you couldn't just end one bit and then start another bit about something else or else I guess the audience was going to like scream and claw their eyes out. You know, some people do it really artfully. I was watching a special the other day for a guest that's coming up in our, our new year. And it's me being a guy who kind of has seen a lot of standup over the years and

I'm very interested in how people put things together, right? What's your favorite special of mine? Driving drunk? What is it called? Yeah, driving drunk. Anyway, go ahead. Driving drunk.

What was it? Driving while crying? Crying and driving. Crying and driving. Okay. That's a great special. If you have not seen Paul's specials, they're out there. They're really good. It's available now. Absolutely. But Paul, you have to admit, I've seen all of your specials numerous times over the years in person. Like not the actual tapings. Have you though? Every bit you've ever done. I believe I've seen every bit you've done. Come on. I think I have.

Every stand-up bit you've ever created? You think you've seen all of them? I believe I've seen all of them. You know that when you used to do, because you would do 20 to 30 minutes at Death Ray every month or every six weeks at least. A long time ago, dear. Yeah, but. So long ago. We only stopped doing that in 10 years ago. Yeah, 10 years ago this month. 10 years is a long time, honey. And you've done stand-up since then?

Maybe I haven't seen it. No, but I've seen your variety shows and all that. Anyway. Test me. I'm not going to. I'll complete any of your punchlines. My punchlines. Yeah, I'll do the punchline to any setup you give me. But that's not how I do my material. Wait, so anyway, segues. Knock, knock.

Give me one of your jokes. Knock, knock. Who's there? Is that it? That's exactly right. You know your shit. I apologize. I shouldn't have doubted you. Super fan over here. Anyway, so you saw. I was working with this guy who had a segue in his act. You're not talking about the segue segue.

Yeah, he was on a Segway. What? Has there been a Segway comedian yet? Probably. And he has terrible Segways? Probably. He like refuses to do Segways in between his jokes? This guy was doing some bit about cats and then he said, why do people have cats? This is the end of the cat bit. After like the- The end? You got the big laugh. That's like the big question. To launch your bit, why do people have cats? Well, but that-

He already talked about how ridiculous cats are. Right. He gets the laughs and he's like, why do people have cats? Why do people do anything? And that was, what was the next bit about? I don't remember. Why do people do anything? It was about a completely different subject and it did not, like the segue didn't help. Why do people do anything? Anyway, so this one guy. Oh, now we're in. So for the audience,

Like you hear it and you're like, oh, okay, now we can go anywhere. Good. But it also makes them feel so depressed about their own lives of like, you're right. Why do people do anything? Why are we here? Why am I watching this idiot?

Just slit their throat. He was a nice guy though. I wonder if he's still alive. Oh, I hope so. I hope everyone's still alive. Who's ever been alive. What a beautiful wish. Hey, if you're out there, I hope you're still alive. And I hope that said, don't be born again. No, we've discussed this. Yeah. Although that being born again now has- I'm going to say people should remind us

In the summertime to record the numbers. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's, that's what we were talking about. Remind us in the summertime. We'll get it done next, next year. I swear. Yeah. Next year we will have these done. You will not have to hear these, these shitty. I mean, I don't think any of these people. No shade on them. No shade on them. But I bet, I bet none of them are still alive. No, they're dead for sure. They're all dead. They're dead for sure. You're just listening to like a haunted jingle this entire time. My God. For the past 13 years. Get ready for that because there's more to come. Yeah.

All right. So this is episode 15, Paul. Sure. And as usual, I'm going to give you the episode number and the date in which it was released. Okay. And then I'll give you a title and we'll see if it rings any bells. Okay. So first, I guess with just the date and the episode number. Yeah. And then I'll give you the title. A little hint of the title. Yes. Okay, great. Okay.

All right. This is episodes 716. So it's in the 716s. It's right on the money in that regard. It's right in the middle of 716s. It's actually at the beginning of the 716s. Oh, true. 716.0000001. 716.0000002. Okay.

July 26th of 2021. Summertime. Summer, summer, summertime. About when in the year people should have been sending us reminders. Yes. So keep that in mind for next year.

And what am I guessing? What episode this is? This was that, well, I know this one. You had, it was a great lineup. Everybody was laughing and having a great time. Yes, you are right about that, but I'm going to need you to be a little more specific. All right, well, give me the title. I'll give you the title. Meemaw and Them. I know this one. You know this one. And Paul, tell me.

know this one. Because I'm on this one. You are on this one. Starting the countdown off strong, this is an episode that features Paul F. Tompkins. Okay, do you remember the other guests? I think Susie Barrett? No. No? No, no, no. I'm thinking of a different episode. Katie... Katie Rich. Katie Rich.

And promoting her book. Casey Wilson. Casey Wilson. Yes. Whom people will know from Black Monday and- The Shrink Next Door. The Shrink Next Door, which is out currently and- Phantom of the Opera episode of the Comedy Magnum TV show. Yes, and wonderful for, you may have seen the three of us watching West Side Story last night, if you saw us last night. If you saw us last night, that's what we were doing.

So don't bother telling our spouses. They know. And they were upset. Yeah, we're in trouble. So this is from July of this year, actually. And Casey was on talking about her book, which, by the way, her book, a great memoir named The Wreckage of My Presence.

And it's a point of contention that I have not read it between the two of us. Are you in the special thanks? I may be. She may have mentioned me in the book and I might be in the special thanks. If you're in the special thanks, you haven't read it. That is a sin. But if you're not in there, fuck that. That's true. Throw that book in the trash. She was very upset that we went on vacation together recently and I actively read five books in front of her. That's right. One was not hers. I remember hearing that story. Yeah.

So Casey was on talking about her book and I guess we'll talk about it after you hear the clip about why this all came to pass. But now this is the aforementioned character, Paul F. What character are you playing? J.W. Stillwater. J.W. Stillwater, which is a character of your own creation, whom you premiered. From the twisted mind of me. Yeah.

You premiered live on stage at the Riot Festival here in Los Angeles many years ago. In costume. In costume, in a great episode that had our friend Harris Whittles on it, as well as Lauren, I think, was on that episode as well. That was a great episode. You can listen to that in the Comedy Bang Bang archives exclusively at cbbworld.com.

And I didn't know anything about that character, and it's just taken fire and become a fan favorite. And there's a reason why he's on this episode, but I'll just let you listen to it. This is...

This is what you voted on, America and beyond. Don't say it like that. It's your fault. That's what I meant. Here we go. Let's listen to it. This is your episode 15. Number one, five. Let's get to this concerned citizen. I don't know anything about he or her or them. Please welcome the concerned citizen. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Thank you for having me on your program. It's my pleasure. You're a concerned citizen? Yes, I'm very concerned. Are you from around these parts? No, sir. I'm from Cumberbatch County, Florida, and I'm a concerned citizen. There's something that is happening in America right now that people need to know about. Oh, okay. Well, get a load off your chest here. Can we still say that? Get a load off your chest? Yes.

I don't know. It sounds dicey to me. I prefer you not mention chests. Chests and loads on them. You know, it's just, I don't know. I don't like it. Not in today's world. I don't like it either. Is that what you're concerned about? No. Okay. I'm glad. I'm putting that one in my back pocket to be concerned about later. Well, please tell us what you're concerned about, sir. Can I call you sir? Or do I? My name is Eddie Lee Capers. You may prefer to be Eddie Lee.

Eddie Lee Capers. That's correct. Ringing some sort of a bell. But go ahead. What are you concerned about, Eddie Lee? I'm concerned about this motion picture coming out of Hollywood called Stillwater. I am urging people not to see this movie. Stillwater. The movie is coming out this Friday. Matt Damon is in this. If you say so, sir.

You're the one who's concerned about it. I don't keep tabs on Hollywood celebrities. This is a movie. It's not celebrities. I'm concerned about the movie. This is the product that the celebrities made. That's right. So you don't keep tabs on that either? I just keep tabs on the products. I don't keep tabs on the people who make them. Okay, but it's coming out this Friday. Can we agree on that?

I don't recall disagreeing with that, sir. You said, if I say so. But you know it's coming up this Friday. I said, if you say so, about Matt Damon. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. I'm sorry. You think it's misleading? It's very misleading by the title. It's called Stillwater. It's not about Stillwater that most people would assume it's about. What would people assume it's about? Stillwater. What are you talking about? I can't believe I got to walk you through this, but...

Most people would assume it's about the vigilante superhero, J.W. Stillwater, from Cumberbatch County, Florida. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that guy. He's a hero, a noble man, and I do not want his name besmirched by this Hollywood nonsense. Casey, this is J.W. Stillwater. Are you looking up J.W. Stillwater? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Are you all right, sir? I'm fine. You're not sick, I hope. No, I'm fine. You're not sick?

You're not fine? I'm fine. I'm not sick. I'm just talking to my normal speaking voice that I always talk in. Look up J.W. Stillwater. What comes out? Uh-oh. Okay. I'm finding him because I, too, wasn't sure. You didn't know who J.W. Well, it took a minute for me to even remember who he is. I think you paid. Everybody knows who J.W. Stillwater is. Okay. So J.W., John Wesley Stillwater, a.k.a. Eddie Lee Capers, is a character- Got to think of his part.

by Paul. Wait a minute. Cut that part out. Oh, okay. Sorry. Also, cut that part out. Wait, cut this part out? Two parts need to be cut out. Which one needs to be cut out? Or one long part. Maybe cut out the one long part. No, I'm not cutting anything out. You're...

J.W. Stillwater is a vigilante from Cumberbatch County, Florida. Vigilante hero. That's right. Who has a cape, which is the Florida State Cape. Beautiful cape. That's Florida State flag. Florida State Cape. What if states had capes? Florida has yet to design on a cape. Flags are the same thing. No, they're not. You may as well just design capes.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. We're agreeing. We are. I know. You and I, we like each other. I know we do. Well, look, he is a vigilante who... Hero, sorry, who is out there searching for a hammer that was stolen, I think. He's just...

He's not just searching for a hammer. He's also patrolling the, not, you wouldn't say streets of Cumberbatch County, but. More of the marshes and the bogs. That's right. Because he's. Because the police say he's corrupt. He has a fan boat. Is that right? He does have a fan boat. And what do you do for a living, sir? I'm a fan boat mechanic, sir. And your name is Eddie Lee? Eddie Lee Capers. That's correct, sir. As I recall, and I haven't talked to J.W. Stillwater. Okay. Oh, God. I haven't talked to J.W. Stillwater in a long time, but. Well, you talked to him. You're lucky. Yeah.

I am lucky. Not just for talking to him, but... No, but mostly for that. Right, but... I wish I could talk to that guy. As I recall, he had a secret identity that he kept mentioning. Yeah, but nobody knows it. He kept mentioning the name, though. He was probably trying to throw you off the trail. And what... I think it was something like Van Halen. Like Eddie Van Halen. Eddie Van Halen. Eddie Van Halen.

Eddie Van Halen? Eddie Van Halen? Wait a minute. No. It was Eddie Lee Capers. No. You're mistaken. Eddie Lee Capers. No. Wrong. Eddie Lee Capers. You are J.W. Stillwater. You are the weakest link. Goodbye. It's a good reference. Thank you. Points for that. Wow. Okay. This is getting more and more complex.

This is Casey. Okay. I don't know if you know what's going on, but this guy, this guy actually is JW Stillwater. He's defending himself. He's defending himself. Clear your throat, sir. Talk in your natural voice. Give me your throat. Let me get rid of whatever's in there. All right. Are you happy?

I am happy. This is my regular voice. Wow. And are you or are you not J.W. Stillwater? No, I'm Eddie Lee Capers, fanboat mechanic. Put on that mask that's next to you. Oh, this one right here? Sure. All right. And now who are you? I'm J.W. Stillwater. Look.

I'm here. I'm taking the mask off. Okay. I'm here in my capacity as a concerned citizen. I don't want people to see this movie because it's about, what is it about? It's about a Hollywood guy goes to France. It's not about a Hollywood guy. That could not be less about J.W. Stillwood. He's like an oil rigged guy. But a Hollywood person is playing. Although that's not the prologue of the movie where it's like five minutes of Matt Damon getting into makeup and playing this guy. I mean, it might as well be. Yeah.

Now, do you like Matt Damon? Y'all ought to have, in all your movies, y'all ought to have the dinner where you talk about wanting to do the movie. You know, I mean, when you get to a movie theater early, like 45 minutes early, you know, because you want to save your seat, and they're showing like trivia. 45 minutes? Well, you used to have to. And they show the trivia and all that kind of stuff. Wouldn't it be better just to show like Matt Damon getting into makeup for 45 minutes? Or saying like, I don't know. I don't think I want to do this. It doesn't feel like it's going the way I want it and the background.

Can we replace the director? Like all of that kind of stuff. I'd rather see that. The one movie I ever saw, there was a race between Sprite and Coca-Cola and Sprite won. You could knock me over with a feather. You think Coca-Cola would have won? Because it has caffeine in it. And was that the movie you saw or you saw something after that? I thought that was the movie. You walked out after? I thought that was the movie. Were you satisfied?

I mean, it was pretty good. I was, what a twist ending. Sprite won. No, Sprite doesn't have caffeine in it. It's the Coca-Cola 7-Up. It is lemon-lime, though. Am I right on that? Great. Wonderful. So what did you think you were going to see?

Do you recall? I just thought it was a movie. Oh, it just said a movie out there on the marquee? Yeah, a friend of mine said, you want to go to the movies, Eddie Lee? I said, sure, I'll go to the movies. I've never been. And we went to the movie, and then we saw it, and it was exciting. Did your friend walk out, too? Shorter than you thought, yeah. I don't know if my friend walked out, because it was dark in there. And then I got out there. He wasn't out there, and I never saw him again. Who's this friend? Yeah.

Do you think something happened to him in the movie? I was saying paddles. Paddles? Hello, fan boat. Where'd you know him? No, he sells canoes. Okay. Or he did. Oh. Or he did. Did he have the adjoining business next to yours or? What, like on boat row or something? I don't know.

So Eddie Lee, I'm sorry the movie's coming out, but I mean, I realize that you're boycotting it, but. I am hereby boycotting this movie, even though I do not go to the movies and I've only seen the one where Coke versus Sprite. I will not see this movie as I will not see any movie from now on. Okay, well. Unless they make a sequel to the Coke versus Sprite movie. Is your anger targeted at Matt Damon at all?

Well, I mean, in so much as he is a Hollywood celebrity, yes. But I don't like someone like him being in a movie called Stillwater. Because from what I understand, he's very popular. People are going to go see him and they're going to assume his name is Stillwater. And they're going to assume Matt Damon is. It's got to be. Why would you call it that? There's never been a Matt Damon movie where I've walked out of it saying, I don't know who Matt Damon is anymore. I just know that guy.

Okay. See, this is how dumb you think everybody outside of Hollywood is. You thought I thought people was going to think that Matt Damon isn't Matt Damon anymore. Yeah, that's not what I was going to think. That's what you said. No, that he's going to...

That he's going to make people think he is playing this character Stillwater. He is. But no, that's not the real Stillwater is my point. You're a frustrating man. You can't copyright it. I've only met you the one time, but you drive me crazy. What if the Fast and Furious movies were about Coke versus Sprite? I'd see them. They'd be good, right? Yeah, sure. What are they about now?

Uh, they're about a, a kind of an air shots family of, uh, street racers. Uh, they're, they're, they're, they're a family that they're not related by blood. They're, they're, you know, just like friends, but they consider themselves to be family. Just like you and me and Scott. Yes. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Uh,

Um, and currently they race cars and they pull off heists and, uh, they, I would love to see Sprite and Coke in a rematch. The Fast and the Furious. That's right. The Fast and the Furious, they presented Hobbs and Shaw. Maybe they could present, you know, Fast and Furious presents Coke versus Sprite. Okay. I mean, I don't know what any of that is, but okay. Why didn't they, and this is what I was talking to another guest about this. Why didn't Fast and the Furious present Fast 9?

It's a perfect opportunity, a perfect tie-in. What's Fast 9? It's F9. Sorry, F9, the Furious saga. Never mind. Can I ask one more thing? Please, save me. You can ask me anything you like. Sir, you keep saying that you're afraid that upon everyone seeing the movie Stillwater, it's going to besmirch the name of a person's Stillwater, correct? That's right. That's correct. Well, Matt Damon's name in the movie is Bill Baker. No one is named Stillwater. Correct.

What? It's like Stillwater. They made a movie called Stillwater. Nobody's even playing Stillwater. Right. Yeah. This is even worse. That's like making a movie called J. Edgar and it's about some dipshit from Ohio. Yeah.

Well, Stillwater starring Matt Damon is this guy, Baker, Mr. Baker. Don't promote it. In theaters this Friday. You don't even care. I don't care. You're not in it? But now I'm invested. Directed by Tom McCarthy and screenplay by him. Yep. Wonderful director. Release date, July 30th. Coming out this Friday. Just so people know when they want to go. Don't see it. Run. Don't walk away from Stillwater the movie. But you're probably running towards a different movie theater.

Probably? Yeah. Any movie theater, probably in any direction away from it. So in your mind- There's another movie direction. In your mind- There's another movie theater coming towards you. Every similar business is right next to each other. They're not right next to each other. And if you're running from a movie theater, you're running towards another movie theater. Yes. Why would they be? That doesn't make sense. They're not next to each other. I'm saying- It's like when you run from your problems. You're just heading- I'm saying just like Casey says, you go to a city, right? Yeah. Don't drag Florida into this.

You go to Burbank. That is your name, right? You go to the Burbank 16, right? And you start running away. What? Who? You got to check it out. A wonderful movie theater. You'll love it. The Burbank 16. Okay, so what is it? A wraparound movie theater? A wraparound? Yeah. So if you're running away from it, you're also running towards it. No, you're not running towards it. You're running towards a different movie theater. If you start running away from the Burbank 16, you're just running towards the Universal CityWalk theater. How close are they?

I mean, you know. Are you saying in the direction? Yes. It's like energetically, directionally. Okay. So I'll grant you that if you are running away from a movie theater, odds are somewhere in the world you are running towards another movie theater. That is what I'm trying to say. Thank you for granting it to me. I grant you that. Okay. Good. Good stuff. But still run away from it. Because you know why? Because maybe that other theater you're running to is not showing Stillwater, but it's showing Coke versus Sprite. Right.

I would imagine it's in limited release, so maybe that'll help. Coke versus Sprite? No, Stillwater, unfortunately. Good. They are limited to shonen hell. Oh, wow. He's more than concerned. Number one, five. Ah, yes. Ah, yes. Number 15. People, by the way, they wonder if we're actively listening to the clips. Yes. Of course we are. Of course we are. We spend 10 hours here. We're sitting here just as long as you are sitting there.

And that will be true for the rest of your lives. Yeah. Whenever you sit, we'll be sitting. When you sit, I sit, we sit.

All right. So obviously the reason there was a big call to action of we need to get J.W. Stillwater in here because the posters for these movies were up in L.A. We were like, we got to do this. People sent it to me so many times. Yes. Yeah. It is interesting. Our friend Chip Zdarsky, who's a comic book writer and artist. I thought you were going to say he's just a comic book. He's a comic book. You've heard of Spider-Man? Yeah, sure. Chip Zdarsky. Yeah.

He has a comic named Stillwater.

That's right. And so there's a lot of still waters out there that are – Running deep. Yeah. So – oh, yeah. So anyway, that was – did you have fun doing that episode? I did. It was a really fun episode. We didn't listen to Katie Rich who comes on after that clip that you just heard, but she was really funny on it. She was hilarious. She's been really good on the show this year and I've been enjoying her as a recent addition to our stable of improvisers.

And, yeah, that was fun. I mean, July...

The Dog Days of Summer, we can certainly agree on that. A song by the Decembrists, times two, times three. What was going on in July? We, you know. The birth of our nation, of course. Sure, but this is, you know, a good 22 days, you know, three weeks and one day after that. Yeah, but I like to, July for me, it's a month-long celebration of America. Good. All right. Great. Well, that was fun. I liked listening to that. I did too.

I did too. I'm glad we listened to the clip as we always do. As we always do. All right. We need to take a break and we are so deep into the show for our first break. I apologize for that, but although people are probably happy about it, but let's take a break. It's free.

Let's take a break. We're counting down, by the way, on this episode. We're counting down 15, 14, 13, 12. So we still have three more clips. Put your mother on the shelf. I will go to the apartment. You will stay and be a heart man. Good. How many falls did you take down the stairs?

When we come back, we're going to be listening to what you've chosen as your episode 14. And you're going to enjoy it. So you just come on back. It was your idea. You wanted us to do this. All right. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2021. That is my cadence. I'm here with Paulie Tompkins, of course. And that is my cadence. You're not wrong.

And boy, we've been talking so much. We got to get to a clip. We got to. We're going to just jam right into a clip? Let's just jam right into a clip. Holy shit. We're going to jam right into a C. Yeah. Here we go. Let's do it. This is your episode 14. Number one, four. All right, Paul. Here we go. Episode 14. I'm going to get it this time. This is episode 701. So we're right in the 700s.

Pretty early on. Pretty early. In the 700s. Yeah. Under 710. Okay. Okay. The date? Yeah. April 12th, 2021. April. So we have had April Fool's Day. Everyone is not mad at each other anymore. Took about 11 days for them to calm down. Yeah. People have dried off. From April 10th.

Yeah, the wet day? Yeah, wet day. We should celebrate wet day. Remember, every April 10th is wet day. Remind us of this in March of... Yeah, maybe February. I need a heads up for wet day. So remember in February, remind us of wet day in April.

And remember in the summer, in July, remind us about recording the countdown. Also remind us on April 10th that it's wet day and maybe we'll post something about it. Well, wish us a happy wet day. Yes, please. Thank you. All right. Do you want the- Give me the title. Just be safe. Promo code sports. Hmm.

This is a good one. Yeah. You don't know what it was, do you? Okay. This has a comedian and television host, Jamie Lee. Sure. As the main guest. I remember this episode. It was very funny. We also have the improvisers on it are Carl Tart. Sure. Ego Wotum. Sure. John Gabrus. Sure. And Ben Rogers. I mean, there you go. A stacked cast on this. The full house.

This was a really fun episode. This one was over Zoom. This was when the pandemic was still continuing. Raging. I believe this is right about when I was on the other side of my second shot for vaccinations. But we hadn't returned to the studio at this point because I feel like I got it a couple of weeks before everyone else I knew or something. So we hadn't gone back to the studio. This was still over Zoom. And...

Jamie came on to talk about her show, The Wedding Coach, which is on Netflix. People can watch. It's a fun show where she meets with people who are about to get married and she coaches them through what they should do at their wedding and she helps out. And she always has a very funny comedian on who joins her and helps out. Same comedian every time? No, different comedians. Interesting. Different comedians, if you can fathom that. Oh, I can fathom it.

If your tiny pea-sized brain can comprehend. Me? Yeah. Oh, wow. Aren't you a dinosaur? Not anymore. Oh, that's right. It was a combination of surgery and a magic spell, right? Yes. Here's what happened. I got cursed. I became a dinosaur, but I could still think and speak like a person. Sure.

We all know that. And there was a doctor who said, I can perform a surgery that will get you 90% of the way there. The rest is going to have to be magic. And the 10% was like, it was like what? Your leg or a tail? My face. Your face. The worst part. Yeah. You were like a real butterface dinosaur. Oh, I was a total butterface.

And so, yeah, I knew a witch and I got them together. I connected them. Oh, okay. So she was there during the actual surgery. Yes, absolutely. Oh, okay. No, no, no. It had to happen kind of at the same time. Simultaneously. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, you're back to normal and I'm sorry for cursing you, by the way. That's okay. I understand why you did it. You sucked. I sucked. I flat out sucked. Okay.

All right. So we're going to hear this clip with Carl and Ego. Now, Carl and Ego are two great comedians, and they've gone back a ways, and they work together a lot. And it's always fun when they're on the show together. Ego, you may know from Saturday Night Live. She's a current cast member on SNL. And so one of the good things about the pandemic this year was the fact that she was able to do shows from New York. Yeah.

because she's so seldom here in LA anymore. She used to be a regular on the show and then she had to move to New York. And so now we only see her occasionally, but she did a lot of episodes this year, which was great.

So she and Carl are going to be on, we're going to be hearing this clip with them. Carl is going to be playing Italiano Jones, who's a lawyer that he's portrayed before. And then Ego is playing probably her most enduring character, Entree P. Neuer. So let's listen to that. This is your episode 14. Number one for me.

Please welcome back to the show Italiano Jones. Scott, what is it? Scott, your email was so urgent. Your email was so urgent. Scott, are you OK? Have you been injured? How much money will you pay me to fix it? I flew all the way here from Italy to be with you, Scott, in case you are hurt. Are you injured? Are you hurt? Have you been injured in a motorcycle truck accident? Have you been injured in a boat plane crash accident?

I will fight for you. I don't think I've ever been on a boat plane, let alone crashing one. So no, I've never been on a boat plane. It was the exact type of plane that Theodore Roosevelt would ride when he would travel by sea. Have you ever, have you been injured in one? Scott, what is the problem? Your email was so urgent.

I don't think it was. I think I was just asking you if you wanted to be on the show. But welcome to the show. It's great to see you. Oh, my gosh. I would love to be on the show. When does it start? Well, Italiano Jones, you, by the way, Jamie, Italiano is a, he mainly seems to specialize in car accidents, motorcycle, a big part of your business is motorcycle accidents. Is that right? Yes, it is the biggest part. Motorcycles are death traps.

I mean, you know, the fact that you're exposed to the elements and you don't have protective shielding around you. Yes. Let's say that you are riding a motorcycle and it starts to rain. And so you pull over to the side of the road, but somebody drives by and shoots you in the stomach with a gun. I will fight for you. So has that ever happened to you, Jamie? Hmm. No, not.

But last year I fell on rollerblades. Would that count? You were wearing them and you fell down or you fell onto rollerblades? No, I was wearing them and then I fell down. So can I sue the rollerblade company for not providing like correct stability? The other way. The other way would work. Let's say you were walking down the street and you fell onto a pair of rollerblades. And the man that was trying to help you up was the same white man from the Nigerian wedding. And he told you a dirty joke. I will fight for you.

And have you had any interesting cases recently? I mean, you're out there in Italy and, you know, the country has been shut down a couple of times. Recently, I had to sue somebody, Scott. No. Who? Yourself? Me, myself, and Irene. Somebody was trying to take my crown as the tallest man in Italy. Oh, that's right. That's a little detail. I've forgotten about you. How tall are you? Six foot five. Six foot five.

Which is not incredibly tall, but I guess in Italy, that's... The tallest man in Italy. Me. Italiano Jones. It's a family name. That's right. Whose family? Yours or someone else's? The Italianos. Okay, right. Scott, how have you been? Have you been injured at all? No, you've asked me that. I haven't been injured at all. I mean, my knee is still a little fucked up. It hurts a little bit, but that's my own fault. It's not anyone else's. How did you fuck up your knee? Just life. Life.

Your knee, life fucked your knee up? I will fight for you. Who are you going to fight, God? Did you know that the Vatican is in Italy? Yeah, it's pretty famously in Italy. It's in Vatican City. I just found that out. You just found, how long have you lived there? My whole life. You never took that one left turn that got you there right to the, what do they call it there where the Pope lives? The Vatican. Oh, that's right, the Vatican. Yeah.

Okay. Well, I want Jamie and Italiano, I want you here for our next guest because our next guest is a little bit of a handful and I have trouble navigating their issues on this show. They're

They are not a small business owner, but I guess an inventor is more of a way to describe them. They've been on the show many, many times. Please welcome back to the show, Entree P. Neuer. Hi. Welcome to me. Hell, hi. Welcome. Well, welcome to me as well. Welcome. Jamie and Italiano, I don't know if you've ever met Entree P. Neuer, but Entree basically comes on and pitches new ideas for inventions. Yeah.

That's safe to say. And the majority of them, 99% of them are rectangular. Scott, now you're talking about me like I'm not right here. Hi, Jamie. Hello, Italiano. Hello. Pleasures and greetings to everybody involved. Okay. So, Scott...

I do have some ideas I'd like to get off my chest today. And I would love to get these off my chest because I don't have time to dibble and dabble with you and on your comedies right now. Sure. No, I apologize for taking so long. In the future, when you're on the show, would you like me... I don't know if I'm coming back, Scott. The way this has been going so far, I don't know that I'll be back. Well, you can't fire me because I quit.

Okay. Well, so is this my show now? This is my show now. That backfired on me. Yeah, exactly. I am the new host. You want to be the host? I would like to be the host of Comedy Bang Bang. All right, take over for me, Italiano. Okay, so the first thing I have to do is say a catchphrase. So after the theme song goes off, oh.

And then I have to say, strap me up to the top of a van and make it loud. It's comedy bang bang. Okay, you're doing great. Thank you. I don't think so. I think, no, unfortunately, Italiano, I would like to have a positive relationship with you. And that was great.

with all due respect, bad. That wasn't good. That was not, you know, when people say all due respect and then they say the rudest thing possible mere seconds afterwards. Well, I don't want to cut you off, Scott, but Italiano, Italiano, I got a question for you before I get into my inventions. Now, baby,

Any relation to Michael Tyson? It doesn't mean go ahead. Am I related to who? Michael Tyson. Michael Tyson? Yes. The famous of Tyson Chicken Farms? Yes. He's famous for other things. That's pretty low on the list. And boxing as well. Any relation, baby? Yes. Yes. That is a long lost American cousin.

Okay. Okay. You sound American love. Okay. Ciao. Ciao. Do I sound American? Okay. Okay. Maybe. All right. I need to get to my, I need to get to my inventions. I do have an event. In the future, if you ever are on the show, would you like me to say your name and then immediately say. In the future, I'd like for you to respect my domain. Okay.

I work in the invention business. Did you, by the way, have you acquired the domains necessary for all of your inventions? Do you have entrepenewer.com? entrepenewer.com is my website. I also have .org and .gov should anyone try to get it from up under me. Yes. Okay, great. Okay, good. So, Scott, first things first. I'm tired of taking, I'm tired of, how do you say this?

Well, you're the one trying to say it. So go ahead and just however you want to say it. Just go, you know, go out with it. Entree. Okay. Okay. Okay. Scott, please let me talk on my platform. Please. You said you're giving me a platform and you seem to keep taking it away. I'm giving you a platform, but the platform has conditions. And one of those conditions is when you start a sentence, you know how to finish it.

Well, Scott, you'd have to give me the opportunity to finish it, love. Well, I mean, all this dithering and going back and forth. How do I say? I mean, you know, you can't make your second sentence one that you have no idea what you're about to say. No, Scott, I don't want to cut you off. You didn't. I was finished. Scott, I don't want to tell you to shut the hell up. You better not, Andre. We're going to have a problem. We're going to have a problem, Andre P. Newark.

Well, that's, I'm in the business of problem solving, baby. That's perfect. What's our problem? Our problem is you are going to tell me to shut the hell up. So what's the solution? Scott, shut the hell up. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Nothing, right? Okay, exactly. So, so this invention, this one's going to be huge. I am absolutely tired of shitting and peeing just any old where. By the way, you've already tried to invent the toilet on a previous episode. Okay.

And you know what a toilet is. Oh, damn it. No, no. I just, I'm looking at my notes here. I'm looking at my notes here, baby. No, no, no, baby. Baby, I'm looking. Here's another problem, Andre. Now you're just repeating yourself. It's bad enough every time you come on the show, you do the exact same thing every single time. Now you're repeating previous episodes? No, no, Scott. Scott, Scott, it is Black History Month. Please don't come at me. It's not Black History Month anymore. No.

We are long past Black History Month. It still is. It's still Italian. We're only taking February through April now? It's Black History until we get our taxes. Thank you. Thank you, Italiano. Okay, well, damn. Okay, well, damn. Well, damn. I got something else for you. Please have something else. Since you want to tell me I invented it. Maybe we could reverse engineer this. Jamie, have you ever had a problem that you wish there were...

solution for? You wish there was some sort of invention? Maybe... Now, Jamie, baby, keep it basic now for me, okay? Baby, keep it basic problems. Entree is a basic bitch. It is Black History Month. It's not Women's History Month anymore. I can say bitch. It's Black Women's History Month, Scott. It's Italian Black Women's History Month. No, baby, I'm not Italian. I take that back.

Jamie, please. What's your problem? Okay. I'm tired of spending money on makeup because I feel like there's so many different products. Perfect. Perfect. Got you covered. Got you covered, love. Okay. Tired of spending money. Bitcoin. Have you heard of Bitcoin? You stopped listening after the money? Tired of spending money. Bitcoin. Love. It's amazing. You don't have to hold it. You don't have to physically hand it to nobody. Jamie, are you into crypto? Is it like Apple Pay?

Sure. Sure. Yeah. What about NFTs? Where do you land on NFTs? Non fungible tokens. Doesn't the band Kings of Leon have an album that is a, that's a, that's an NFT. Yeah. I mean, anything can be an NFT. They're, they're turning tweets into them. They're turning a stage diving at a one particular concert is an NFT now. And anyone can be a BAB basic ass bitch.

Okay, if we do an acronym. Now you're taking my jokes. Is that what we're doing, Scott? Because this is my show now, baby. I'm sorry, okay, but you are an inventor and you just sang Bitcoin.

isn't an invention. And Jamie actually, she kept going and she said she's tired of buying makeup and that's truly her issue. Okay, well, if that's your issue, the invention is don't wear it. Don't wear makeup. You don't have to wear it. Let me just. Let me just. Let me just. I'd like to just.

actually like to just you just first and then i'll just us here's the deal everybody is born everybody stop being nasty at delhi he said gestation and you as you said everyone is born everyone is born okay every human is born with a rectangle on their neck right okay am i wrong

wrong are you talking about the actual neck is a rectangle or are you talking about the adam's apple or well no a rectangle on your neck scott stop trying to erase you're trying to erase women by the way talking about everyone's born with an adam's apple no i'm merely trying to figure out what you're saying are you talking about a birthmark or a rectangle on your neck what could it be what is on your neck

I think... I don't... Jamie? What? Can you take the word Italiano? In Italy, we call an Adam's apple a naranja. That's Spanish. And that's an orange, I think. An orange.

Listen, what are you talking about? Why is this so hard? See, I shouldn't be pitching to, I shouldn't be pitching to fools. Okay. I think you're just talking about the neck. Is that right? I have an interview with Oprah after this. I have an interview with Oprah after this, Scott. Oprah's interviewing you or you're interviewing Oprah. I'm interviewing Oprah. Okay. About what?

Wouldn't you like to know love? Okay. So everybody, everybody here has a neck. Yes. Sure. Everybody has a neck. We protect it. We respect it. Yes. Okay. Protect your neck, love. Okay. On top of your neck. He just talked about heads. If that's what you call it, awesome. You can't invent heads.

Who says I can't? It took y'all about 10 minutes to figure out what I was talking about. Now you want to tell me. So you want to come up with an easier head for everyone to remember? No, I don't. I don't. No, no. But I do want I do want people to be OK with the rectangles that are on their necks. So you don't need to buy makeup. Makeup is a waste of money.

You see where I'm going, Scott, because as much as you try to downplay my intelligence, Scott, I am very intelligent. I got into Harvard three times. You're very intelligent. Yes, you're right. I'm very intelligent and smartsy. In Italy, we call coffee intelligentsia. I don't think so. This was exhausting. It truly was exhausting. You're an exhausting person. I'm exhausted. You're exhausted. You're combative.

You're rude. I'm perfectly pleasant. You're not smart. What? What?

I don't say this to all my guests. But you have been a pill ever since you've come on the show years ago. Scott, how do you think, how do you think I feel? I'm sitting up here and I listen to you describe me as difficult to describe and you're calling me a small business owner. Nothing is small about my business. First of all, I'm making things that change people's lives. You're not even an entrepreneur like your name. You're an inventor. I,

You came on as an entrepreneur named entrepreneur, and then you just segued into inventing things. Your whole thing doesn't make any sense. Scott, fuck right off. Are you allowed to cuss on this show? Number one for. They did it again.

They certainly did it that one time. I mean, they is us and did it as we listen to the clip. Yep. Thank you. Anytime we do something, you always are like, they did it again. Yeah. Like if we have lunch. You know if we're doing something for them, they did it again. They did it again. They is us. If you're out there listening, make a pact with yourself that anytime you have lunch, silently to yourself is fine. At least think it.

Just think, I did it again. Every single time you have lunch. My preference is you say it out loud. Until you die. But silently is fine. Silently is fine. I hope that does become a thing for somebody. They listen to this and now they can't get it out of their mind. Yes, that they will always, every time they have lunch, think, I did it again. I did it again.

Well, that was really fun. Agreed. Those guys are really funny together. And we didn't listen to the clip of Gabrus and Ben. By the way, Ben Rogers has done some great episodes this year. He has a character called the Nightwolf, which is very funny. I'm not sure if we've ever talked about the origins of the Nightwolf.

But the character's not named the Nightwolf, right? No, no, the character is a photographer. The character talks about the Nightwolf a lot. I don't think we've ever talked about it, but I had assumed it was a bit that Ben had worked on. He auditioned for the Between Two Ferns movie.

And did this as his audition. Right. Did the Nightwolf as his audition. Because basically the parameters, we didn't have any parameters for the movie other than just like it's – you can – male, female, you can be – whatever it is, we don't care. Right.

You just like come in with a take on your character, essentially, of like you work at a – everything was still secret. So it was like you work at a news – like a local news outlet. And so he came in and did the Nightwolf. And I thought it was one of the funniest things I'd seen. Which if people don't know is he is a guy who talks about – He's a cameraman who talks about this vigilante hero called the Nightwolf a lot. That he's photographed. He's essentially like Peter Parker with Spider-Man. Clearly he is the Nightwolf. He is the Nightwolf and his –

It's really, really funny. And so I, you know, we did the movie and obviously Ben, you know, didn't make it into the movie. But I was thinking about that bit forever. I would like reach out to him. I'm like, is that a bit you've done on other things? He goes, no, I just created it for the audition. I'm like, it's really funny. You should do it.

So anyway, he's done several episodes on the Nightwolf. It's a consolation prize. And by the way, this is one of Gabrus' first characters that he's performed, other than Geno. Oh, I was going to say. What?

Wait, I don't remember. What did he do on this episode? He did the sports guys. He did the podcast hosts, Jeff and Jeff of the Sports Dude podcast. That's right. That's right. Yeah. We didn't listen to the clip because we just don't have time to listen to the entire episode. But go back and listen to them doing it. It's very funny. I guess I forgot because the voice was so different from Gino. And I was like. You were lost in it. Yes. You didn't even know who you were listening to. I forgot it was Gap. Yeah. You were listening to Jeff of the Sports Dude podcast. That's right.

By the way, a little bit of trivia. Did I talk about this last year? I don't remember. But okay, so during the pandemic, the learning curve, we had a steep, steep learning curve on how to keep this show going. When we first went into quarantine, I had about six weeks in the bank of

You were trapped in a bank for six weeks? Trapped in the vault because I'd been robbing it. And you survived on lollipops? Yes. Well, that's what I was robbing. You fool. But I had about six weeks in the can and I was kind of like, I was also trapped in a bathroom. You were in the jail? Oh, okay. We had two weeks to go. And I remember saying to people, I was kind of like,

six weeks is probably enough, right? Like we'll be back in the studio after six weeks is over. And the one person who, who I talked to Jason Manzuka is over zoom. He's like, uh, no, no,

This is going to be a year, a year and a half. And I was like, okay. And he was right. But so it was a very steep learning curve on how the show was put together. The team here at Earwolf did just incredible work figuring out how to keep the show going whilst over Zoom and still make it have the feeling of live improv. But every once in a while there would be a mishap

And where audio wasn't recorded. And this was one of those episodes where Jamie, Jamie Lee, great comedian, about 15 minutes, I think, into the show, her audio cut out. And so all we had was really terrible, super far away Zoom audio off of her computer mic, which wasn't even by her. Right.

And she, I got to give a special shout out to Jamie. We contacted her when we found out and she went back and re-recorded every single thing she said. That's wild. And Devin over here talked her through it and gave her the cues. Devin, I believe, didn't you transcribe everything she said first? And then we sent it to her and she got in the moment and she did it because she was really excited.

really wanted the show, the episode to be really good and wanted there to be no like weirdness where suddenly she sounds far away. And so shout out to Jamie Lee for doing that. That was, she went above and beyond for that. I picked up on your little passive aggressive intimation. Oh good. Yes, I will try harder. You were fine.

I've re-recorded so many episodes and I've never gotten this shout out. You have not. I did one. No, not my parts. Oh, you recorded other people's? I recorded other people's parts. We've never used it. Because you haven't needed it. But if you needed it, I had it.

I had to rerecord my own audio. Did I tell you in the last Best Ofs or I just told you personally? I don't remember, but in any case. I think you just told me personally. There is an episode out there and I don't want to say which one where I had to rerecord

everything I said for one act of it, for one whole segment. So for about 20 minutes. So I had to do the same thing for an episode. Because you were doing, and I applaud you for trying something, but you were doing like a Dracula voice. Yeah. And then it did not sound good. It didn't sound like Dracula. It sounded offensive. It was like an offensive stereotype. Exactly. And you also didn't like say that you were going to do that.

And no, it was very, it was very uncomfortable. And nothing I was saying was Dracula specific. No. Like if I had thrown in a, I want to suck your blood or something like that, maybe people would have gotten it, but maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so I had to rerecord, but yeah. So thank you to Jamie Lee and thank you to everyone in that episode. That's a great episode. Number 14. All right, let's take a break. Okay, fine. All right. We did it. We finally did it. I did it again. I did it again. I had lunch.

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James Brown? Yeah. Do you remember that he didn't get buried for a long time because there was some dispute about his will? So there's like, you know, what would, okay, so there's a dispute about the will. Oh, meaning how he wanted to be buried.

I think maybe that was part of it. I can't remember why they couldn't marry him, but he was like on a table essentially. What was it? Wasn't Casey Kasem being like traveled around the country for like a week after he died? Well, people wanted to see his body, of course. Remember the big Casey Kasem tour? Absolutely. They put him on a train. A train to heaven. A train. I'm dead. Coming up, my death. Oops. Here it is.

I did it again. I did it again. He's one of the only people. We got that from Casey Kasem. Yes, of course. Legendary broadcaster. He would say that after every time he had anything, any meal, even a snack. Anytime he had gum, he would say. Yeah, water, anything.

Weird guy. Weird guy. We all agree. He was a weird guy. Kind of an oddball. He would do that special every wet day. Yep. His wet day special. It's like Casey. Casey Kasem's wet day special. Part of the interesting thing of listening to these best of episodes is hearing us slowly go more and more insane as they continue. It's too soon now. This is bad. We got ways to go. All right. Let's get to our next clip.

This is your episode 13. Number one, three. Ooh, unlucky. All right, episode 13. This is scary, the unlucky episode. Yeah, this episode is cursed. If you voted for this, you're cursed.

Anyone who voted for this, it's like a ring situation in your computer. Yeah, you would think it's the people that didn't vote for it because they're the ones that are sort of responsible for it being number 13. That's true because if they had just voted for it, it would have been 12. Exactly. So they're cursed too. They're cursed too. Anyone in the world is cursed now. Anyone associated with this episode is cursed.

Well, you're not going to like hearing that because I'll tell you who's in it. Okay, this is episode 719. It's in the 719s. From August 16th, 2021. So it's in the middle of August, we're in the 16s. August, summer, hot, sweaty. Temperatures of sometimes 100 even. People are angry. Bathing suits though. Dogs sweating through their tongues. Yeah. Sailboat. Sailboat.

Um, a seagull. The Iceman makes deliveries. He cometh. He cometh. Ha ha ha.

One fat one, one skinny one. They are trying to get the ice up a long set of stairs. They're moving a piano as well. Mr. Anderson. Moral and party. Okay, this is an episode called Give It to Gilly. Oh, sure. Give It to Gilly. Now, Paul, you were not involved in this one. No, well, in my heart I was. You were, and in fact...

You wanted to be there, but couldn't at the last second? What was it? I can't remember. That's a good question, and I also can't remember. I can't remember, but I remember saying to Gillian that you were going to be on the episode, and then she arrived and you were not here, and I had to explain it. That's all I remember. That's awkward. I think I got some work or something. Yeah, you got work at the last second. Yeah. This is, let me say who is on it. This is our old friend, Gillian Jacobs. Our old friend. Our oldest friend.

Our oldest friend in terms of her age. She's 71 years old. Yeah. She looks great. Not really. You don't think for 71? Oh, I thought you meant she looks great. Oh, for 71, yeah. No, she looks great. I don't know what's happening. I don't know. No, of course, we love Gillian Jacobs. We also have Will Hines. We also have Dan Lippert. Shouldn't he have called himself William Hines for this?

Yeah. Willie. William. Yeah. William Hines. And then Daniel. And Danielian. Danielian. Danielian. Boy, I'd love a Danielian dollars. Oh, if I had a Danielian dollars. I wish I had a Danielian dollars. Hot dog. I hope you're watching that this week.

This is a great episode, Gillian. Okay, I'm just going to say it. This is one of those episodes where I had nothing. I had no guests. What? I was behind the eight ball and I was like, you know, usually we get a lot of publicists and people like sending us guests that they want to have on the show. And we're pretty selective about it. But this is one of those weeks where it was just like, we need an episode. I got nothing. I wrote to Gillian. I was like,

Gilly, I know you just did the show a few months ago, but you have a Netflix movie. We can promote that. I don't know. And she was like, yeah, I was just thinking I should do it. I was just thinking I should do it. Yeah, it was great. And so she agreed to do it. And then Will and Dan came and this turned out. They agreed to do it.

Well, they came at least. Well, but I mean, don't, you can't take away their agency. They also agreed to do it. They did agree. I didn't do it, do it against their will. Speaking of will, Will Hines. Against his will. That's a good title for what his, like his standup hour. He's been working on a standup. Yeah. Against his will. Against his will. So he's got to write the material to that. That would be a great hook for the special. He doesn't want to do one.

Right. But we force him to at gunpoint. Right. Oh, okay. And are we in the special with the gun? Yeah. We share a gun. We share a gun and we keep handing it back and forth to each other. No, you take it. This is getting heavy. This is a really good episode. Gillian's here talking about, of course, she has her podcast, Periodic Talks. Of course she has it.

that she does with Deanna Reasonover. And she has the Fear Street movie trilogy, which was on Netflix. And then we're going to hear two clips. We're going to hear, first we're going to hear Will Hines portraying, Will comes in, we'll talk about his process a little later, but he's a cartographer. That's all I want to say. And then we also have, Dan is going to be playing Bill Walton, the NBA legend. All right, so let's hear it. This is your episode 13.

Number one, three. Welcome to the show, Henry Sames. So great to meet you. Oh, yeah. I'm thrilled to be here. Listen, I'm going to be real honest with you both, if that's all right. No, I expect full candor from all of our guests. Oh, good. I am not a good liar. I have to be straight up. I'm looking for business. I'm looking for business. Oh, okay. I'm a cartographer. I make maps. And as you might guess, in recent decades, map making...

Not as in demand as it was once. We've been everywhere, you know? We've been everywhere. Everything's covered. Yeah, most maps are for places. Once you mapped it once, you don't need to do it again. You really should have thought to be in a business where it has repeat business. You know what I mean? I didn't think about that. Like, podcasts, Gillian and I. Oh. It's perfect because we put out one a week. One a week. Doesn't tire us out at all. No. It's energizing. It is energizing.

I'm just energizing to be here. I've never heard of a podcast host getting tired or anybody getting tired of it. So you guys were smart. But for you, making a map, are you energetic the minute you set down your pen and you're like, map done. I love it. Do you say something like that? Map done. Everyone has a closing phrase in the world of cartography. Of course. I wish I had map done. Mine is map funny.

Someone else had Map Dunn, another cartographer. Yeah, Map Dunn was, gosh, who knows? Probably Magellan had that. Matt Dunn, yeah, of course. Yeah, a man named Matt Dunn would have loved to have had it and probably doesn't.

It's a competitive world. So you say mapfinito. Mapfinito! And is anyone around to hear this? Never. I'm alone in my room. It's a lonely... Well, it's your room. Who else do you want in there? Nobody. You're right. You know what I mean? What about an animal companion? Okay, but what's the point of getting a room? I do have an animal companion. Thank you for asking. Oh, what do you have? Kitty cat.

I consider her a little familiar. Oh, yes. Like a witch is familiar. Like a witch. Like an extension of great. Fear Street 1666. I don't know what you're talking about. Have you ever heard those words before? Fear Street? 1666? I haven't. That'd be a great map. You've never heard of any of those words? No. Fear? Never. You've never heard of fear? Never. Hold on. Turn around for a second. All right. What is that? That's fear. This? This?

Oh, I'm alone so much. I'm never startled. My life is so... Is that even your kitty cat jumping on you? Oh, no, she's a sweetheart. She never would. She's my familiar. She cares for me. Henry, do you know that I actually in real life named my cat after a witch's familiar from the Scottish play I respect? Oh, thank you very much. Oh, boy. Don't want to say that around here. That's a superstition we have in the mat-making world, too. You're not allowed to say that particular play. She's talking about me, babe.

No! She's like, blew it! I've been three times and spit over my shoulder. I've had that feeling again, twice in one day. Have you heard of the melancholy Dane? Yes. You're talking about... Dane Cook. When his brother stole all that money from him. I can't believe I don't know any Danish people. Map Beth.

Map Beth, yes. Yes. Not bad. I'm going to write it down. Is that your cat's name? I wish it was. My kitty cat's name is Lulu. Lulu. After the British singer. After the British singer. To Sir With Love. That's right. Yeah, she's my favorite. Where do you live, by the way? What's your address? Yeah, let's get back.

more information on you. Well, that's very personal to find out a mapmaker's address, you know. Well, I just, it ties into an earlier question, so I'm wondering if you have an address, if you could just say it. We can bleep it if you want, but I just want to hear it. You just want to know what my address is? Yeah, I just want to know what your address is. I'm on 1000 Mill Plain Road, Danbury, Connecticut. All right, just wanted to see, you haven't heard of that word street. Okay, good. That's right, yeah. Okay, just wanted to see if I could catch you. What if I almost walked into one there? Ha ha ha.

Laid the trap. Nope, I've never heard of street, never heard of fear, never heard of 1666. Hmm. Okay, 1666. Interesting. What else? I have a question for you. We're still finding out a lot about space, which I know about because I've actually interviewed an astronaut for my podcast, Periodic Talks. Wow, what a brag. Yeah, thank you. And so why don't you start- Which part? Her knowing a lot about space?

Just having an astronaut on our podcast? I guess, yeah. No, I've had one astronaut on here. Whom? Who's that? I can't remember what his name was. It was about a year and a half ago. That's going to be a bummer for that person. You're an astronaut. It's not enough to make people remember you. Why don't you map space? Yes. What? Yes.

Jeff Bezos went up there in a dang penis the other day. Flying around in a flying dong. I know, I know. And he's like, let's throw out our trash up here. You can be the first person to map it. I would love to map space. I would love to. There's no money in it. Who wants to buy a map of space? I'm broke. I got to sell these maps.

Which maps do you have? You have maps that people could buy right now? What I've resorted to since like most things are mapped is I make personalized, individualized maps. So it is an area that technically they could find on an existing map. But I try to personalize it. I like this. Try to like mark things. For example, Scott, if I were to make a map for you, I could theoretically map your route to work.

Sure. And maybe mark things that are of interest to you. Little things of interest to me, like, oh, I like this restaurant. Yeah, a restaurant you like. Or this is the place where someone spit on me. Okay, that'd be a weird one to include, but it would be personal and individualized. And then I could sell that to you. And you might frame that. I like this. This is a good business. And it uses my map-making skills, but it still has a market. Gillian, where would you get mapped if you could get a personalized map? I like to do, what if you did like...

someone's whole life. Yes. Every step they've taken. It could be. We could start where you were born, for example, and into a place where you live currently. We could mark things along there. I bet there are babies who were born during iPhones. Yeah.

with GPS that they know every single place that the baby has ever gone. I wish I could remember. For that generation, the individualized maps are going to be so accurate. I can't wait. For you guys, I got to guess a little bit. Yes, the woman in the corner. Is it important that a map is accurate?

Yes, that's a good point. What an interesting question. I'm going to say yes. Well, I've seen some like exaggerated maps of like the United States. Sure. Or like a New Yorker's view of the world. Yeah, you know. New York is big and the rest of the country is small. I love that cover of New Yorker. Those enrage me. Those are inaccurate maps and their popularity baffling.

baffles me why anybody would like an inaccurate or purposefully distorted map. I do not understand. Sorry to get so angry. That's quite all right. I'm used to it. I appreciate the passion. We had the fear, yeah, on our end. Yes. I'm feeling really 1666 now. Are you actually...

to, in the sense of you're to scale, but everything is exact, exact, exact. Do you do all the measurements yourself and everything? Yes, yes. It's got to be to the scale of the, whatever that map is. What's the scale of a map usually? My personally favorite, one to 10. One to 10. One to 10. So only, only 10 times as small. These are big maps. Hey, that's how I like it. Most of my apps, the walls, these are just maps of the neighborhood. These are giant maps. They look great, great.

One to ten is really a... Or they're small maps of a very small area. Yeah, if it's like a molecule or something. Ooh, yeah. Or what about you can make placemats? Like little kids like to have placemats. Or maybe parents like educational placemats for their kids. Yeah, exactly. Gillian's pointing at me like I'm going to cosign. So, okay. Yes. Sure. You know. Okay, so like a map the size of a placemat so the kid can be learning something while they're eating or whatever. Exactly. Like a map of their neighborhood maybe where they're allowed to go or they're not allowed to go. Do you like to learn things while you're eating? Yeah, definitely.

didn't you ever read cereal boxes growing up? Cereal boxes? Didn't

Didn't they used to have fun facts on cereal boxes? Maybe a little game you could play? I mean, occasionally I would look at the Wheaties box and figure out who won the Olympics that year. I guess I've always been more of an intellectual than you, Scott. Oh, I suppose maybe you are. We weren't allowed to read the cereal boxes in my house growing up. No, why? I had a very religious family. Oh, interesting. What does religion have to do with cereal boxes? They just controlled, my parents controlled the information we were exposed to. Anything that wasn't religious, you weren't able to partake? They didn't want to risk it. They didn't know what was in the back of these things. They didn't know what sort of information. Yes, woman in the corner? Question, how?

How do they then feel about you referring to your cat as a familiar? It's caused a huge separation in my family. You drift with your family, really. I had to basically agree to disagree and I'm not so in contact. Are you interested in witchcraft? Very much. Yeah. The dark arts. Uh.

Oh, so they're dark arts when you practice them. I only like the dark arts. Oh. Not the light ones, not the good ones. Okay. So maybe there's an area here where you could make a map of something related to your interest in witchcraft. Done it already. Oh. Who would he sell it to, himself? Yes, the Trouble Gillian and I, and first of all, thank you for the suggestions. I don't mean to be critical of them. I'm not making podcasts for me to listen to. I can't sell my dark art maps. I thought you were supposed to be your own first.

first target audience best audience something audience if you don't like it who's gonna what I have tried to do is to map the evil in people's souls I like this okay I cast a spell of the dark arts with my familiar Lulu Lulu perpetual is Lulu here could we see could we do this spell could we practice it on Gillian over

I do happen to have Lulu here in my satchel. A real Sue Storm. That's right. Yeah. You should be Sue Storm, by the way. All right. I am. Oh, I thought you meant a Native American tsunami. But you mean the character from Fantastic Four. Yes. I meant the invisible woman. How long have you been sitting on that since we were talking about it earlier? I've been holding on to it for a little while. Okay. Good. Good to know.

So you have, oh, here's Lulu. Yes, I have Lulu right here in my set. So there she is. Now, Lulu is a kitten, but I have cast a spell to keep her in the kitten-like state forever. That was Gillian, by the way. The cat has been making noises, but then Gillian just went, right? Scott would never make a cat noise beneath him. Yeah, Scott's too cool. Gillian, not at all. Not at all. That's my brand. Yeah, this is Lulu. She's a perpetual kitten. She's frozen in this age by unnatural means.

I don't know what any of that means. I'm like Fear Street 1666. Yo. I have no idea. You don't know what it means. No, I heard the words before, but I don't know what they mean together. I've frozen this kitten in her current age for the last 20 years. What? She is in the state of being six months old for the last 20 years. Oh, you haven't literally frozen her in your icebox. No, I didn't like, no, I didn't like. You didn't Steve Rogers her. Oh, okay. Two competing. Ted Williams.

Disney properties, though. Oh, yeah. So we're on the same wavelength. Same continuity of freezing fictional characters. No, no, I have used the dark arts to keep her at the same age. Oh, okay. Boy, I would love to do that. What age would you be if you could stay at any age? Oh, God. Under 30, please. Under 30. Under 30. Under 30.

You know. I don't know, because sometimes you look back at old pictures of yourself and you're like, oh, I look way too young. Boy, I was just a baby or whatever. But if no one ever knows you get older...

then people love you at that age. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I feel like you have an answer to this question. Which age would you like to have been frozen at? When was I the best? I had 27. 27? Yeah, that's when I was at my peak. That's an athlete's career year. Two years ago. I knew you at your peak, I can say, proudly. You certainly did.

Gillian, what year would you pick? A four. Four. Interesting. You would stay four for the rest of your life. That is a very interesting choice. You have the ability to speak. Yes. You can probably read. I was reading a three. I don't know when you were reading. I was in Montessori school, which I really enjoyed. Although your brain still continues, so you would be able to do anything. You'd be having adult conversations. Your body would stay at four.

But you would be that creepy kid who talks, you know, like an adult. I was that kid. You're telling me. You're still that kid. Hello. Now using this kitten. Have we gotten too off track? It's never happened to me before. Okay. He's always on the map. I never get off track.

I will now map the evil in both of your souls. Both of our- I'm so excited about this. So this could reveal sides of yourself that you might not be ready to learn. Look, I'm an open book. This is going to be your evil nature. Anything in my life is, I'm perfectly fine with Gillian and the listeners seeing, so. Okay, well, I admire that. I don't know if you feel that way, Gillian, but- I do as well. This will not reveal like secrets or like gossip. This will just be your- No gossip! I'm afraid not, I'm afraid- No dish? XOXO! You should be her! XOXO!

Fucking give it to Kristen Bell again. She did it already. It's her gig. That's hers. Give it to Gilly. Give it to Gilly. Great hashtag. We need to start the Give it to Gilly campaign. All right. We got to focus. Narrow in on one. Which one do you want me to have? I want you to have Sue Storm. All right. Definitely. Okay. We need a series from Fear Street. Great. Give it to Gilly. We need a love reboot. Okay. Someone replacing Paul. A Scott Aukerman perhaps? Maybe a Scott Aukerman type. Okay. But who better really when you think about it?

Give it to Gilly! I like this. Should we start? Okay, hashtag give it to Gilly. All right, go ahead. Henry, here we go. I'm now going to... Lulu, come here, please. And I'm going to lay out this parchment here. Sorry, I have some parchment. Okay. And now I'll just pour some primer. Sorry, I need to get some primer on your table. Now...

You are familiar with the seven deadly sins. What we will do now is see- Gluttony, the rest. Great sloth. Gluttony and the rest. Gluttony's the main one. And we'll just see what mixture of the seven deadly sins are each of you. Okay. What mixture? Oh, okay. So it's like 46% this. It's kind of like a 23 me, but just like for sins. Oh, okay. Great. Yeah, I love this. You know, like what are you made up of? Yeah, what do we got? Your evil. Your inner evil. What do we got? All right. Lulu? Lulu?

We'll do Scott first. Holy shit. What are you seeing? This is bad. I'm assuming it's all gluttony, right? No, I shouldn't. I don't know if I should... Do it. Go ahead. It can't be that bad.

It's not one of the standard seven deadly sins. It's not one of the seven? It's an eighth? It's itchiness. This is like, what? Your main sin is itchiness. That's a sin? Yeah, it's a sin to be itchy. In my family, it was. You're itchy. I mean, yeah, I am. You're like 100% itchy. Yeah. No, that tracks. That's gross. I didn't realize. That's gross to you? I find that distasteful. So what if I'm always itchy? I'm not scratching myself. You're dissatisfied. You're fundamentally not happy with your physical state. It's gross. It's gross.

You're rejecting God's greatest gift to you, your body. I didn't realize judgment came as a part of this. Here you go, your map of your soul. It's out of my hands. Thank you. Wow. This, by the way, you've drawn this on a piece of, I can only call this parchment. Where did you get parchment? I mean, we just have like paper. How do you make parchment? I make it. You make it.

You make it. I make the paper in my basement. How do you do that? It's a long process. Out of trees? Bark? I knock the trees down. I pulp it up. You knock them down? You're felling trees? I'm felling the crap out of them. On one piece of parchment? I knock them over and I go, tree finito! To no one, of course. To nobody, all by myself. And does anybody hear it? Just me. Lulu! Yeah, that's a good point.

So, by the way, you've just drawn a circle and in it you've just written itchiness. Well, that's what it is. Yeah. Lulu and I have found that to be true in your soul. Okay. 100% itchy. 100%. I hope you can live with yourself. You're a disgusting person. All right, Gillian. Wow. Yes. Sure, sure. Okay. New parchment. New primer. I love the songs you sing. Oh, thank you. They're cool. Yep. They're like they could be on the pop charts.

You think so? Yeah. I think they're really cool. You think, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba? Could be in the projects. I mean, the way you do it, I mean, it's cool. This could be a new career for you. You know, cartography. I do. I love singing. I mean, I've never... Do you like rap as well? Yeah, of course. Oh, I'd love to hear something here. What if I were to go, ba-ba-boo, ba-boo, like hit us with a rap. If I was going to drop a rhyme like that, I'd say, seems up by nature and not dangerous at all. Let's...

Here goes the routes that'll betray your soul. See if your evil is dark as coal. Betray your eyes.

Reveal the lies. He rhymed again. And show your nature true as the devil. He didn't rhyme. No rhyme. That's an artistic choice. Interesting. Interesting. It's an artistic choice. You're good though, man. You think so? I mean, aside from, I mean, I would have rhymed maybe. You would have done a rhyme? I would have done a A-A-B-B-A structure probably. Like the bard. Yeah. Like the melancholy bard. And that's my type, by the way. A-A-B-B-A. Wow.

Wait, that's... Never mind. I don't even know how that's gross, but I feel like it is. Add a little sliver. Okay, okay. Of lasciviousness. A little lust on the corner of the itchiness. Okay, thank you so much. But please welcome back to the show. Oh, wow, he's also an NBA superstar. Please welcome back to the show, Bill Walton. Yay! Yay!

What a pleasure to be here with Scott Aukerman, one of the great podcasters of all time, and Gillian Jacobs, one of the great Gillians, from Gillian Anderson to Gilligan's Island, one of the great ultimate Gillians I've ever seen. She's Gillian Anderson, but I'll let you have it. But across the pond, we say Gillian, I'm told. Eh, just basically my mom. Who told you that? Who told me that?

It came to me in a dream. Gillian Welch. Gillian Welch. And do you accept Gilligan? He was mainly little buddy. That's what they would call him. Is it? I don't mean to interrupt your flow. Turn to Henry Sames now. And of course, Henry Sames, one of the great cartographers of our time. Thank you so much. From the air-mentioned Magellan to... Red McNally. I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.

Thomas Guy! Google! Google mouse! Yeah, they're one of the great map makers. Yes, thank you! Bill, I've noticed the last few times you've been on the show, you need a lot of help in coming up with the second thing. Well, no, I find it's other people's discomfort with my inability to think of a second thing. Sometimes it just takes me minutes to think of one. I understand, I understand. And it may be not, you can edit it out. Unfortunately, we don't have that kind of time. You're in C block here. Aren't we all running out of time, though, Scott? Good point. Is that what you're here to talk about?

Yes. No, I think that actually came up on one of my other episodes. Oh, really? The Inevitability of Death and Time Travel as well. Oh! You ever see Back to the Future 2? I love Back to the Future. What about 3? 3 may be even better than the second. Finally, Emmett Brown, our favorite character of the films, finds love in the third film. One of the great loves. One of the great loves in cinema history for Christopher Lloyd. From Danny DeVito's character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,

to Air Bud in one of these straight-to-DVD Air Bud films. Air Buddies? Yes. Oh, the sweet little buddies. Oh, the sweet buddies. Bill, so great to have you on the show. I mean, you obviously have a lot of time now. The NBA Finals just were...

done. The Olympics, I think, are over at this point, so you have a lot of time on your hands and you can be on the show now. That's exactly it. I've got free time and I'm here because it's summertime. It's my favorite time of year beyond basketball season. That's right. And Gillian, do you know who Bill Walton is, by the way? I'm so sorry to say I don't. Oh, that's okay. Most of the people who know of me are basketball fans or even if a performer was in some sort of TV show about the era of basketball I came from, they maybe would have heard of me. The late 70s and early 80s.

But if you are not any of those things. Well, Gillian was too busy memorizing that puck monologue from. I have more. Yeah, I bet you do.

Oh, I would love to hear it, Puck. One of my favorite fairies of Shakespearean times. What are your other favorite fairies of Shakespearean times? Of course, there's, well, do we consider the guy from the island in that? The Tempest? Yes, the helper guy from the Tempest. Ariel, I think. Yes. Then you have Oberon, king of the fairies, of course. Oh, I didn't know we could use other fairies from a midsummer. Mustard seed.

Peas Blossom, of course. Yes, the whole merry players. Oh, yeah. Do you have an interest in Shakespeare? The Immortal Bard, The Immortal Bard. The person or the writing? Oh, great. I'll take either at this point. Oh, all of the above. His plays make me more curious about the person. What was he like? Well, you should see the film Shakespeare in Love, which won one of those oohs. One of the great loves of all time, Shakespeare and Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh, yeah.

An amazing tale. Did that earn four Oscars? I believe so. At least Best Picture, I know that. And Best Actress. Really? Who? Gwyneth. Really? Yes. Good for her. Well, those are the shuos in her goop, I believe. In goop. I was about to get there. Scott Ackerman, throw it down one time. Who is she? Yes, sir.

Great minds think alike or great minds think for themselves, as they used to say on Saturday morning early television cartoons. Of course. Bill Walton is here. Henry, do you know who Bill Walton is? No. He's a broadcaster. He calls NBA games. One of the great...

Mostly college basketball. They won't give me NBA that often because of my rambunctious personality. And your tie-dye shirt. Yes, I'm a little too freaky for the... I do know. You play for the Celtics, right? You were a ball player yourself. Is that right? Will Hines with the alley-oop to Bill Walton. I'm Henry Sames, but that's quite all right. Clutch. That was clutch. Easy mistake to make.

Easy mistake to make. Henry, have you ever been told you look much like a writer and improviser and actor Will Hines, of course, writer of the great book How to Be the Greatest Improviser Alive? I get called Todd Berry and Will Hines in equal measure depending on how far people are from me. Will Shakespeare. Yes. The immortal bard of whom I am so interested. One of the great Wills from William Shakespeare to my grandmothers. Scott Ackerman. Left me a lot of money. Your grandmother's will. That's why I've been failing upwards. What the?

The will that created a podcast empire. Of course, yes. And of course, a very lovely brooch that you wear. Yes, every day. Just to remember. Well, Scott, it's summertime and the living is easy. Oh, you're transitioning to summertime. Summer, summer, summertime. Yes.

Yes, thank you. Summertime. Summertime. Not suppertime. That's a different song. Suppertime. Suppertime. Sup, sup, supper. Oh, that's from your good man Charlie Brown. Yes, suppertime. Yes, you have a wide breadth of knowledge. Yes, Scott Aukerman and I did a little bit of community theater. Did you really? Yes. Were you in that show? Do you know something, Schroeder? I like the way you play the piano. Yes. It's nice.

Is there something about like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth? Probably. And it sticks if you're really lonely. Peanut butter on something, definitely, with that dog, yeah. Oh, Lord. Scott Aukerman. Add another sliver. Filthy. The lust part is growing. Wow, Scott Aukerman going after dark with the references to putting peanut butter on your Johnson for Snoopy to lick off for your own pleasure. This is comedy pancake after dark. I did want to mention that. No longer, period.

Oh, one of the great, great podcast name changes of all time. Thank you so much. I listened to If Then thinking it was a podcast about what you learn around 301 and improv schools. The exploration that you do after you've yes-ended. Speaking of improv teachers, this Will Hines looking motherfucker over here.

Oh, Henry, have you ever taught an improv class like Will Hines? I have never have. He's more of a rapper. Ah, you should take his classes. The Will Hines Improv School. His classes are great.

Well, you should take his glasses as well. Take my glasses, please. Take your glasses? I should take Will Hines' glasses and then take your glasses? What's the question, Will? Uh, Henry. Oh, we're getting very confused here. Just because he looks so much like Will Hines. He's not Will Hines. Deep reference to Improv 301. Bill Walton. People expect Bill Walton's deep knowledge of improv on this show. Number one, three. Oh.

Oh, boy. Man, I listened to that. Can you imagine not listening to that? I can't. I have a pretty vivid imagination. You do. I can't imagine not listening to that. Nope, because it happened. Yeah, that was really fun. So Will Hines... Let's get into the process. Will Hines used to come on the show and he would have an idea of what he wanted to do. And...

But he's such an ace improviser. I think we've talked about this on The Best of Us before, but he's such an incredible improviser and he just – yes ands, which is an improv term, like anytime anyone says anything to you, you say –

Yes, that is true. And also, this is true. I'm going to add this. I'm going to add this. So he does that expertly. He literally wrote a book about improv. Quite literally. You should read that book. And I should read that book. I know you all think. I think that would change the direction of the show. It might. I'm a little worried about reading that book. When you say change direction, meaning going up? Maybe. Maybe.

But, um, so he, he now only comes in with a name and a job. And I don't think he's even prepared to talk about that job. He, he knows that we will get off of it pretty quickly. So he doesn't even come in with anything. Right. Um, and then Dan, of course, Dan's been on the show a lot this, this year. Yeah, absolutely. And, uh, been really enjoying him. Bill Walton is probably, probably his best known character so far on the show or the one that he repeats the most often. Probably. Um,

It's a good impression and a very funny game for his character. And that was – this was in the studio. This was in August. Again, this was just a relief to be like, oh, God, I put – I did it again. I put together a show. I had lunch and put together a show. It was a big relief and it was just so fun to do. So thanks to all those guys. All right. Let's take another break.

When we come back, we're going to be, we have one more episode to count down. Episode 12. I knew it. I knew it would end being one more episode left. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I called it. You did. Right before the show, you grabbed my arm very strongly. Oh, I bet you have marks. I bet you have marks on your upper arm. Yeah, I do.

Every time we do an episode. I felt a chill come over me. I grabbed Scott's arm and I said, this is going to end with one episode left. Meaning the episode ends and we didn't get to the episode that we have left. Oh, that is what I meant. So I guess I'm wrong. No, we are going to come back. So come back. Listen to these commercials. We'll be right back.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back!

I'm laughing. We're laughing. Everything's good in our hood. No, I'm laughing too. I didn't see you laugh once. Fuck. You got me. How'd she do it? All right, Paul. All right, Scott. You ready? This is our final episode. We're going to be counting down on this episode, part one of the best of 2021. This is your episode 12. Number one, two. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Fine by me. Yeah. Okay.

All right, this is episode- I'm not stopping you. This is episode 731, so pretty late. In the 730s. Early in the 730s. Let me give you a date because this is going to maybe throw you off, throw off your calibrations. Oh, well, you're welcome to try. November 1st of 2021. Ah, fuck. A mere month and a half ago. I can't remember what happened. Pretty early in the Novembers. I can't remember what happened.

That recently, my memory is very clear up to October. Yeah, you have a very strong long-term memory and short-term memory up to October. Exactly. I will remember October and November and December by March. You have delayed short-term memory. Everyone should know. It's a tragedy.

Tragedy! It's a lot like, you see that documentary? Very good documentary. I haven't seen it. Oh, it's really good. What is it again? How Do You Mend a Broken Heart, the Bee Gees documentary. Oh, I have seen the Bee Gees documentary. Stop pointing at me. I have seen the Bee Gees documentary, and I thought there was a documentary called Tragedy that I had not seen. About what would it be about? A tragedy, I presume. And it would have that song, tragedy! It would be about my ice cream cone falling on the ground. Oh, no. Tragedy. Did that happen?

Did that really happen? Or is that one of your friends? If it happens to you, it's hilarious. Comedy. They should have done a follow-up song. Yeah, right? One mask is singing one song, one mask is singing the other song. All right. This is an episode called Nutshell Yourself. Nutshell Yourself. It sounds familiar, but I can't place it. Can't place it. It is...

The participants involved are Jason Mantzoukas and Andy Daly. Oh, sure. Now we're talking about Crazy Town. Yes. This is where it gets banoodles. It truly does. This is a Zoom episode. Jason has not returned to the studio. This is a Zoomisode. But we have been doing episodes back in the studio, but not everyone is completely comfortable with that. Occasionally we'll do episodes outside. We'll do episodes over Zoom. This was an episode over Zoom with Jason and Andy. Yes.

And what can we say about this episode? First of all, I should tell you whom Andy is playing. Please. Andy's playing Byron Denniston. And he is following up on some threads from a previous episode, which might be coming up on our countdown. Byron Denniston is a royal watcher. He's a royal watcher. And it's basically Andy came up with a character who's a royal watcher who essentially –

That term means something in England of people who follow the comings and goings and adventures of the royals. He took it very quite literally. All of their adventures. Yes, they have great adventures, do they not? He took that quite literally where he's a royal watcher who hides in their trees and spies on them. Yeah.

So Byron's been on the show for several years at this point, if not a decade. Oh, gosh, I guess so. And what else should you know about him? He wants Shauna Na. Did he want Shauna Na? We go through this in the episode. I believe Hot Dog wanted that. Hot Dog wants... Okay, so Hot Dog is another character that Andy does. He's a big water skier and a fan of Shauna Na. He's the first person to ever water ski upon meat. And he wants to be in the...

Water Ski Hall of Fame. But more importantly than that, he is a big Sean Anah fan and he wants Sean Anah inducted into the Hall of Fame and... The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, not the Water Skiing Hall of Fame. Yes, of course. And when that happens, he believes that the apocalypse will occur and...

And, um, so we decided to do this episode because the, we had been talking in a previous episode about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame coming up and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, uh, ceremony occurred and we felt like we needed to follow up on the threads. Exactly. So that's what you're going to hear. You're going to hear Andy, uh, portraying, uh,

at least Byron Denniston, if not more. That's right. So let's listen to it. This is what you voted on to be episode 12. Number one, two. Well, Byron, great to see you. Of course, we're certainly not going to say the phrase that pays, which is, of course, what's up, hot dog? Oh, no! Hot dog!

What's up, you guys? It's me, Hot Dog. Whoa! Hey, Hot Dog. Wow. You guys conjured me. All right. I've always had to be conjured. Now, you, I suspect, have had a pretty impactful 24 to 48 hours. It's even been longer than that, man. It's been crazy. My life has been crazy lately. Really? When you were, before we conjured you, where were you? Well, I was at the Shaanana house, as a matter of fact. Oh.

Oh, the compound. Yeah, and I was just taking a world of shit, as a matter of fact. I was just... Man, they were just taking turns. A jambaloochie-sized world of shit? I was taking a jambaloochie-sized world of shit, man. It was bad. Those guys are real mad at me, man. Real mad. What happened? Because the last time we saw you... Yeah. Essentially, if I could nutshell it, you were...

Your goal is to get Shauna Na, the band, the 50s, Airsoft's 50s tribute band, Shauna Na, inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They've been eligible for now four decades at least. It's been a long time. And you know they invented the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Shauna Na invented the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in a song that they wrote. They wrote a song in 1977 called the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And that's the first time anybody ever heard about a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The ultimate indignity.

Of course. So you think that's what you think? Jan Wenner heard that song and was like, yeah, we're doing it. Yes, of course. And not only that, but they predicted the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in that song. And therefore it's a prophecy. Right. Oh, that's right. Because you believe that all of their song lyrics are prophecies. Oh, I know that they are. And if and if that prophecy comes true, then they will all come true. And there will be teenagers and we will find out who wrote the book of love and everybody will get a job.

of course. And the book of love is the fiery book that, that God has written of all of the course of human events. Yeah. I'm not saying it's going to be fun, but it's, it's the rapture essentially. It's the rapture, man. It's the end times. And all that has to happen to trigger it is for Shauna now to be inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame as the prophecy dictates, man. And so your plan was, if I recall, and please tell me if I'm getting any part of this incorrect was, you know, I will, you had,

the members of Sha Na Na legally

changed their name to Tina Turner. Well, I don't want to... Yeah, exactly. The individual members kept their own names, but the name of the band changed from Sha Na Na to Tina Turner. And you had found some sort of loophole where Tina Turner had not copyrighted her name? Is that what it was? Not as a band name. Okay. Yeah. Shit, that was a real loophole in there. She's only protected as an individual. Yeah.

Exactly. Exactly. Any band could call themselves Tina Turner. She really fucked up.

And Tina Turner, conversely, could call herself any band. If Tina Turner wanted to change her name to Rush, she could do it. Rush Limbaugh? She probably could do that. Why not? He's not using it anymore. Well, so the first sign of trouble came when Sean and I did their gig at the Wild Rose Casino in Emmitsburg, Iowa. And they were billed for the first time ever as Tina Turner. What?

Legally, you had to. Yeah, well, because that was, and it was a mistake that I made. I had them legally change their name to Tina Turner as a band, not realizing that they had this gig right before the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Oh, boy. So did people show up expecting to hear Proud Mary and what's Love Got to Do With It? The theater at the Wild Rose Casino in Emmitsburg, Iowa holds 1,200 people, and they had 20,000 people show up. Yeah.

And they were furious that the people that took the stage was not Tina Turner. You know, the Tina Turner they expected. And it didn't help that I, because at some point they were like, get out there and do something. I got on there and was like, this is Tina Turner. You are seeing Tina Turner. Check the paperwork, man. That was the first thing. Did that tip off?

The first Tina Turner, Tina Turner Mark I. It made the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Tina Turner's camp kind of aware that something was going on. Got put on their radar. Heightened level of vigilance. And this part of the story is crazy, but we had...

I don't know if you remember this cowboy. He's a cowboy. Oh, the author. Dalton Wilcox. The author that we have on the show sometimes. You're thinking of Dalton Wilcox, the podcast host. He's a cowboy? He is a cowboy, yeah. Yeah, he's a cowboy. He's a podcast host. He had come to be in cahoots with us. I'm not sure how, but he had come to be in cahoots with our plan. You'd have to ask him how that came about. But anyway...

So he was a really important guy because he was the guy who was going to prevent Tina Turner from getting to the stage. Oh, how was, yeah. How was he going to do that? I thought he wasn't on your side. I know he wasn't, but then he came to be.

Huh? He came to be. You might want to ask him about it. I don't know if there's a way to summon Dalton Wilcox. I don't remember. Is there? You're going to have to help me with that one. If you text him, he might just come by. Oh, here's what I will say. I feel like I feel like he's I know him to be in the area because he's, I think, signing books.

Probably. And I was listening to a podcast recently. It was in Andy Richter's backyard. So at least I know he's in LA. I texted Dalton and asked him to show up if he can. So I don't know if he's going to, but I definitely texted him. He probably won't. Yeah, he probably won't. I don't know. It's hard getting a hold of him. It's so last minute. Yeah, and he's been busy taping his own podcast, Bonanas for Bonanza, the confusingly titled podcast.

I don't know. That title makes sense to me. Does that make sense to you, Byron? I love the title. It's very hard. It would be very hard to just hear it said and then try and find it. No, I don't agree. I think it's great. I think almost anyone would try every vowel after the B. Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. You would. If the first one didn't work, you'd go down. I have to say, by the way, I guess I also forgot to unlock this door. I mean, we just conjured you, hot dog, and you just appeared. So let me unlock the door over here and see if that... You should also... You should unlock the gates as well. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because I'm almost positive you locked them early. That is podcast etiquette. Always unlock the gates. All right. So here we go. Let me just come over here, unlock the door. Hey, goddammit!

I'm waiting out here behind your damn door.

For how long? What are you doing texting somebody and then keeping your door locked when they show up to respond? You say, come on over here real fast. We need your help understanding something. I'm sorry. Goddamn locked door. I apologize, Dalton. I know in the Old West they didn't even have door locks. No, they didn't. Doors would swing both ways. Saloon doors. Everything was a saloon door. Is that right? The only door in the Old West was a saloon door. Everybody knows that. That's what I'm used to. I pushed on it and it didn't move.

I beg your pardon. Dalton, thank you so much for coming. By the way, Hot Dog is here and Byron Denniston over here. Oh, yeah. What's up, you guys? Oh, good. Hello, Dalton. So tell me, Dalton, what happened the other night? Because we're hearing this in an almost, I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Rashomon, but there's got to be a Western equivalent of it. Yeah, there is. Oh.

Somebody will tell me. Okay. But what happened the other night at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? First of all, rock and roll, I don't know if you're even interested in that style of music because it's maybe akin to country and Western. Elvis took that and bastardized it. Yeah, I have no interest whatsoever in rock and roll music. I think it's just about, it tried to murder country music, in my opinion, but it failed. Country music lives on. Right.

So what were you doing there? Because you were trying to help Hot Dog. We're trying to get what happened the other night. I've had a hard time figuring it out my damn self. So last time we was talking about this, or maybe the time before last, I had gone to murder Hot Dog. Right. No offense, Hot Dog. None taken, man. With a Hot Dog gun made by that guy in Germany. Yeah, that's right. No, he made the bullet.

Now, he made both. It was a bun gun and a hot dog bullet. Okay, got it.

Yeah, Scott. So I come on. I had tried to shoot him the one time shooting him in the heart. But that was a decoy heart and his real heart was down in his thigh. And so I had gone another time to shoot him in the thigh where the heart was. And I did shoot him in the thigh. But somehow that wasn't in his heart. And that part I still don't understand. Anyway, so I shot him and I thought I'd killed him. Right. And then all of a sudden I remember you guys saying, Dalton, look out.

behind you and then that was the end of that episode you remember that yeah i remember like something happened where the tape cut off or i yeah it would yeah yeah it was uh it was crazy but and then we never asked about it again right that's true we never inquired never followed up on it we've had you on the show since then that's so crazy i know that is weird but it was it uh it

It's fine because it was just some little old man there with a sweater tied around his shoulders and a little cap. And he was he said, I'm going to hypnotize you. But but I felt that he had failed to hypnotize me. Huh. But then next thing I know, I come out of a trance and I have killed 38 people backstage at the Rocket Mortgage Fieldhouse in Cleveland, Ohio.

Oh, my gosh. Whoa. Yeah. And it was, I was being restrained and I barely escaped with my life and my freedoms from there. So this little old man, he's wearing a cap, you say, and a sweater over his shoulders. Yeah. Was he, did he give you a business card at all or?

Did he have an accent of any kind? He seemed to be a city slicker. He was a city slicker. I'd call him a city slicker for sure. Right. Did he ever mention the words theatrical or producer? Director? I don't know about that, but when I asked him, who the hell are you? He told me his name and then he followed it with the words theatrical director. Oh, okay, yeah. But I don't remember. We've talked to this guy. It's...

Dom, Dom Herrera? No. Dom, who's in those Fast and Furious movies? Don DeLillo. Don DeLillo. Don DeLillo. Donatello. Donatello does machines. That sounds right. That sounds like what he told me. Something like that. Yeah. So you're saying, Dalton, that someone was successfully able to turn you into a Manchurian candidate style, like give you a trigger word. That's almost like you're a monster. Ah.

And you'll hate watching. This is, this is not good for you. No, no. Well, I've, I've, I've gone to get myself reprogrammed by an Indian shaman out there in the desert. So I'm fine now. Good, good, good. But for, but man, I was mad and I was confused because he said, all I know is he says, I'm only going to hypnotize you. And I says, who the hell are you? And he told me Donatella fixes machines, uh, theatrical director or whatever it was. And then, Hey, I,

I was like, I laughed at him and I went about the rest of my business. And then all of a sudden I wake up backstage at the Cleveland thing and I'm mad on my- How much time is missing? Because do you even remember your last-

appearance on this show? Were you hypnotized during that? I guess I must have been and I know it. I'm in a fog for months at this point. It's been months of fog. But I'm out of it now because I done had some peyote and all that. Oh, good, good. But yeah, I mean, murdering that many people doesn't look so good on the old CV. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Well, that's not the most people I've killed at one time. But I mean, hang on. Let me correct myself. I've never killed a person. I've only killed monsters. Oh, yeah. Very important distinction. So these 30 some odd people were backstage in Cleveland. I have to assume they were. I don't have a specific memory of killing them, but I think it must have been a cabal of

creatures from the Black Lagoon. They travel in cabals, I've noticed. Yeah, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde's Frankenstein monsters. Dr. Jekyll's and Mr. Hyde's. Yep, exactly. And a lot of them was probably invisible. And you've got to assume that if there are Frankensteins there, then their brides must be as well. Oh, sure. And you've got to take care of them brides, too. You've got to have that plus one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't think, oh, I'll leave the bride alone and just kill the Frankenstein. Every monster has a plus one, don't they?

Well, a lot of monsters is trying to find their plus one. So for instance, creature from the Black Lagoon, he's trying to drag a plus one down into the lagoon. Make her a minus one up on land. But he doesn't understand. He thinks she can breathe down there, idiot. Oh, man. You know what, Dalton, what might be a great way for you to, and I know you're not out there hunting monsters. They just, you're noticing them. You're out in these streets going about your business. If you were to create

a dating app for monsters they would sign up to lure them and you could yes yes it's a honeypot you could lure them into a scenario where they think they're a monster you could call it like the monster app or something like that what do you mean it's like a what is it the monster app it's a graveyard app you know something like that I hate that song I fucking hate that song you hate that song that song makes me mad

Yeah. Matter of fact, I've written a response poem to it. I don't know if you want to talk about that now. Wait, you've written a response poem to the monster? Yes, I have. God damn it. Wait, so this is because I haven't heard of response poems before. You never heard of response poems? Occasionally there'll be a response song like Danny Aiello's Papa Just Wants the Best for You that he sang to Madonna. Oh my God. Jesus Christ.

But a response poem is something that I've never quite heard of. Oh, it's a big thing in cowboy poetry. Sometimes you'll have an evening of cowboy poetry. It'll be one person does a new poem, and then the whole rest of the night is just responses to it that have been quickly written backstage. People rebutting all of their poems. Hastily written response poems. Yeah, yeah. So you've had a busy couple of nights. And Hot Dog, how do you feel about the fact that Shauna Nod didn't...

Didn't make it. I mean, you know, it's another year where Shauna Na is not...

making the prophecies come true and bringing about the rapture. I'm furious, man. It's terrible. And I feel like I don't know what to do now because I tried the Doobie Brothers scheme and the Tina Turner scheme. And I feel like I'm almost running out of ideas. Can I just stop you for one second, Hot Dog? All right. Because something has just occurred to me. All right. All right. The band Sha Na Na is now currently called Tina Turner. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. So you could start the band now.

Sha Na Na. Oh my God. Wait a minute. Why do you need all these other guys? Currently, Sha Na Na is an open band name. Oh my God. It's an open assignment. But you know what I could do? I could make Sha Na Na full of people who the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is dying to induct. Yes. Well, you could just hire people they've already inducted. So you could hire Paul McCartney for this. Oh my God. You could...

I could put together a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame super group and call them Sha Na Na. And the minute that you finally get the last person, they're already in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Then Sha Na Na is already in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Here's what's hard about this. And this is where it's going to come down to a really difficult personal decision. Hot dog. If you want to be in Sha Na Na, it will mean... You're the only person who won't have

been in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It will mean they will not be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. So if your personal dream comes true, the prophecy will not. But if you are self-sacrificing, the prophecy will come true. Guys, this is literally the hardest decision anybody has ever been presented with.

This is impossible. I can assemble a group of all Rock Hall inductees and the prophecy will immediately come true and the heavens will open up and the end times will begin. The hardest decision since Meryl Streep decided whether or not she was going to star in Sophie's Choice. I heard she deliberated over that for a long time. In a very long hot shower. Her agent said no and her manager said yes and her accountant said yes and her lawyer said no. It was wild. Man, that is...

So, wow. I mean, but I think the band would be so great, Hot Dog. You would get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. That's probably where you want to go. So you're saying I put myself in the group along with who? Paul McCartney. Ringo. Oh, man. Any number of the Doobie Brothers that you want, whoever. And I'm in the group, too, and we are so good. But then we'd have to wait 25 years, man. Yeah, that's true. It might be worth it, man. You know? I mean, like, listen, it's up to you, man. All right, guys. Dalton.

We end up with you. Are you ready to, I guess, read this poem, response poem or sing the song? I'm not quite sure what you're going to do. I think I'll sing it. And then you guys could come in on the course if you figure it out and want to. But if it's too confusing, don't bother. Here we go. This is a response poem called Monster Trash.

This is the title. Monster Trash, a response poem to Monster Mash, which can be sung to the tune of Monster Mash by Dalton Wilcox, meaning that this song poem is by Dalton Wilcox, not Monster Mash, which is by some other son of a bitch. Leo Carpazzi. Leo Carpazzi by Dalton Wilcox. Here we go. And so you have to imagine the bubbles and the door creaking. Yeah, all right, all right.

First of all, you started off your song by admitting that you made a monster. That's wrong. You're singing about it, but you ought to be ashamed. Just think of all the cowboys that could end up getting maimed. Your song is trash. Your song is monster trash. It's monster trash. And it curls my mustache. It's monster trash. It's like a bad saddle rash. It's monster trash. Your song is monster trash.

Your second verse really made me fume. You let vampires feast in your master bedroom. They're feasting on cowboys. You son of a bitch. I'd like to shoot you in the liver and leave you in a ditch. Your song is trash. Your song is monster trash. It's monster trash. And it curls my mustache. It's monster trash.

It's like a bad saddle rash. It's monster trash. Your song is monster trash. Then you talk about Dracula and his son. And that is when I more or less came all the way undone. If the goddamn vampires are learning how to breed, then the cowboys of the West are fucked. Guaranteed. Can a vampire only mate with one of his kind or are they coming for our women, which would make me lose my mind. You don't address that matter. Guess you didn't have the chance because all you want to talk about is how the

monsters dance your song is trash your song is monsters trash it's monster trash and it curls my mustache it's monster trash it's like a bad saddle rash it's monster trash so here comes a backlash no everything's cool I'm not really that mad I love hearing about the fun all them monsters have hell stop on by the ranch I'll lay out a party spread we'll dance around and drink some punch and then you'll

Your song is trash. Your song is monster trash. It's monster trash. And here's my weapons cache. It's monster trash. How about a wooden stake gash? It's monster trash. Your song is monster trash. And that's the end. Oh, wow. Bravo. Bravo. Incredible. Number one, two. Oh, boy. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Wait, I can do a Dracula. What did he ever say? What did he say? Blah, blah. He never said that. Although that is the Dracula. I know. Blah, blah. I don't think it should have been accepted. Was it making fun of? I think it was making fun of him. Of his Romanian accent? I think so. Blah, blah, blah.

I want to talk your blood. He never said that either. It's weird when an impression of someone is basically like someone making fun of you. Like if you were to make fun of me and go, doi! And that became the accepted imitation of... I never do that. Hey, wait a minute. My eyes are darting around for a separate reason. Wait a minute! You know you make me want to...

In the 80s, did you ever go to dances and that was played at every dance? Every single time, yes. Because it was the time when everyone would get out there on the floor and do the whole like little bit softer dance. They'd all crouch and all that. I wonder if people still do that. I remember thinking it was fun. Now when I think about it, it's fucking stupid. Also bending over. Everything to do. Bending over? You know, crouching. Yeah, we would crouch. Crouching, bending over. Two different things, dear. Oh, I was bending. I was just doing a full on yoga. You were touching your toes. Bend over. Yeah.

You're still higher than everybody else. Why is he doing that? You think my butt is higher than everyone else? If everyone else is crouched on the ground, yes. I do have a high butt. You're right. You're tall. Yeah, I have a high butt. Why are you playing like this? You're being fake and phony. I know, but I do have a high butt. Happy. You got that in there?

So that was a fun episode, and that was our most recent episode with those guys. But we may – I don't want to spoil it, but we may be hearing some earlier episodes from them. Interestado. Later on in the countdown. And speaking of later on in the countdown, we have three more episodes of this to go. We have one this Thursday where we'll be counting down episodes 11, 10, 9, and 8.

We have one a week from today on Monday, December the 27th, where we are counting down episodes seven, six, five, and four. And then our final part four will be on December 30th, where we have the top three episodes of the week.

Of the year. This is exciting. The episodes don't fall on the holidays this year. They do not. It's always fun when they fall on the holidays. It is fun when they fall on the holidays. They do not this year, but they are so close. I mean, they're just a- They're so close. A hair's breadth away from these holidays. Just an FCH. And listen, we're going to close out the episode. Let's do it the next episode. I want them to- Do you want to do it all four times? I want to do it all four times. All right. This is the most exciting moment in podcasting. This is, of course-

The snowman game. We hyped it up. The snowman game. Now, explain this, Paul. What happens is there's this battery-operated snowman. Have you replaced the batteries? Do we know if it's going to work? I have. The batteries are good. Oh, my God. And you press his little fat hand, and what happens is he sings a song, and he slowly rotates a few times during the song.

If he rotates, he not only dances about, but he then rotates, goes, does he only go clockwise or does he go both directions? I don't remember. No, he goes one direction. I think he only goes clockwise. 1D. Who's your favorite One Direction member?

Probably Harry Styles. Why? Because he's in Eternals? He's the one I know. Oh, okay. What about Zayn? Oh, I forgot about Zayn. Y'all forgot about Zayn. I forgot about Zayn. Nowadays, everybody wants... Y'all forgot about Zayn. He will sing, and then he'll rotate a little bit, and then he'll stop right there, sing some more, and then he'll rotate again. Sometimes he'll do big rotations. Sometimes he'll do small ones. But when he... If he stops...

And is facing you. At the end. It is a thrilling, at the very end, it's a thrilling feeling. It's thrilling for the participants involved, even if he's not facing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's even more thrilling for the listener. I'm going to start him looking at Devin. Okay. And then we'll see where he goes. All right, we'll see where he goes. Here we go. Do we need to put a mic on him? All right, here we go. This is the snowman game, part one. He's dancing.

He's just moving around. Oh, okay. He's turning. He's done a counterclockwise for three. Very close to Devin. He's now looking very close to Devin. Now he's doing one, two, three. Oh, he's looking right at me, but he's not stopped. This is it. One, two, three turns. He's looking right at Devin. Right at Devin. This is the final one. This is the final one. Here he goes. One, two, three.

No. He's off. Very close. Very close to Devin. He did look directly at Devin and directly at Scott. But no. I didn't win this time. He ends looking at nothing. Looking at nothing. Why do anything? And with that, we leave you. Goodbye. All right. We'll see you on Thursday for best of part two. Thanks for listening. Bye.

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