Best of 2021 Part 3
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Oh, the weather outside was frightful, but now it's so delightful. It's so delightful. I'm delighted. These are not catchphrase submissions, by the way. This just means talking extemporaneously. Scott has a problem where when he starts the show, no matter what, he has to talk that way.

And now I'm through it. Oh, it's finally over. Nothing through it but to do it. By the way, we have flex wipes here. Yeah, isn't that great? Why are they called flex wipes? Is it a flex that you would wipe things? Yeah. Or is it like, are you supposed to flex while you, I don't know. Both. It's both. Oh, maybe they're like for gyms.

Remember gyms, restaurants, and gyms? I didn't know I was cursing them when I talked about how shitty they were. We also have Gobi Labs microphone spray. Microphones. Someone actually put...

What'd they put? Like a little bit of alcohol and some water? Yeah. And they figured out that there's going to be a lot of podcasting during the pandemic. And so they're like, hey, let's call this microphone spray. Yeah, we'll make a mascot too. What is it? A little microphone? No, it's Gobi, a fish. Oh, okay. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. You know how fish are clean? Sure. So your microphone can be as clean as a fish. Swimming around in water. They're the cleanest thing there is.

Let your microphone be as clean as a fish with Gobi Labs. Should we dump soap in the water just to clean everything up? I think if we did that, I think A, it would help. B, it would also give fish –

Couldn't hurt. Experience of what it feels like to have a bath. A nice bath. Yeah, exactly. Put some bath bombs in there. Bath bombs, light some candles. We just light some candles in the ocean. Dump a giant, like three mile wide bath bomb in the ocean. Yes. And you got something. Oh, you've got more than something. You've got everything. You've got a clean earth.

All these fucking Greenpeace people. Hey, Ted Danson, get your head out of your ass and listen to this. Don't put a giant bath bomb in your ocean, you dummy. How would you have thought of this? You're rich. I assume somebody of Ted Danson's wealth, he must have bath bombs all over, near any wet producing mechanism. Anyone who's rich, by the way, must be coming up with ideas all the time. All the time to stay rich and get richer. Yeah.

What'd you get the taste for money? You want more and more? Oh, the almighty daughter. Like I bet, the almighty daughter. I meant to say daughter. Is that a thing, the almighty daughter? It feels familiar to me. I'm going to look it up.

Yeah, look up The Almighty Daughter. It wouldn't surprise me if that was something we've said on this show before. It would surprise me. I'd be surprised. I'd be startled. Almighty Daughter is a song by the Paleo Paranoids. Oh, yes, my favorite band. They're probably great. I'm going to look up Almighty Daughter, Comedy Bang Bang, and see if we get any hits. Absolutely. Take a look. See if we get any hits.

Some stuff is coming up. I don't know. Anyway, I don't know. Anyway, I don't know. Anyway, why do anything? Hi, I'm Scott Aukerman. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And we are here. It's a Monday. If you're listening to this on the day it came out. Sorry, Garfield. Sorry, but back to your lasagna, you fat piece of shit. What are you so miserable about? You dumb asshole. You're a cat who eats human food. And you're not having to have sex with a pig, are you?

Not for now. And this is the best of Comedy Bang Bang 2021 part three. And we have already lost our minds. Yeah. And we still have another half to go. We've only been doing it for half the time. It's true.

But what are we doing? This is a show, Comedy Bang Bang. It's a comedy podcast. And this is us counting down what episodes the listeners of this show have voted upon in order to be ranked. Certainly. Sequentially. In order. Do you think there's also people that don't listen to the show that are voting?

Oh, man. I don't think anyone's cracked that yet. It would not surprise me if at a certain point, like, someone's like, hey, I found this stupid thing. Let's go fuck them up. What was the guy's name? Sanjaya? Sanjaya, yeah. We'll make it a Sanjaya. We pleaded with people not to Sanjaya us. Please don't Sanjaya us. Please don't Sanjaya us. You can Zendaya us, though. Please. I wouldn't mind that. I wouldn't mind being Meachie. What's up with Sanjaya these days? I wonder where he's at. We'll look him up. I don't know.

Yeah, sure. Hope he's OK. I hope he's not an anti-gay activist. I bet he's that other person. Everyone you look up, they eventually become an anti-gay activist. That's a callback to a previous thing we were talking about on part one, probably. Honestly, if you like this at all, you should listen to all the parts of the best. You should listen to all the parts because you'll know what we're talking about, because I'm sure we're going to make several references to things that you won't understand. Because it's all one day for us.

It's one day for us, and hopefully it's one day for you because you're listening to these all in a row. You saved them up, you little bingey. Yes, you little bingey pig. You little bitch. You little bitch. You saved them all up, you little bitch pig. Oh, God. So we're counting down these episodes. Comedy Bang Bang, we've been going. This is our third. We're in our 13th year. We had our 12th anniversary this year, and-

It's a show. It's certainly the show where we talk to interesting people. I've talked about that for a while. It's Humanity's podcast. Thank you so much. Could even span further out than Humanity. Animalmanity? Animals, definitely. I mean, as far as I know, no one's claimed that they're animals' favorite podcast yet. So why shouldn't this show be?

Do you think an animal has ever listened to an episode of Comedy Nightmare all the way through? Definitely. I'm sure mine have while they sit there wishing they could go outside instead of being forced in my office. I bet they're listening. You think they're listening? I think they're listening, yeah. They hear you talk all day. I mean, they have to be listening because you can't shut your ears off.

But there's a difference between listening and listening. You know what I mean? Oh, you didn't say listening. Oh, I should have. Do you think there's ever been an animal that's listened to a Comedy Bang Bang episode? I don't know. That's an interesting question, but I'm just going to claim it. Like paid attention to it. Yeah. I'm going to claim that, yes, this is every, it's the Animal Kingdom's favorite podcast. Wow. I'm just going to say it. If not, if not your show, then whose show?

What other show could it be? Certainly not Joe Rogan. You don't think an animal would enjoy Joe Rogan? Okay, maybe only animals enjoy Joe Rogan. Like one of those pot-bellied pigs. Yeah. What show would a pot-bellied pig listen to? And really think about it. Like, don't make a joke. Huh. Like...

Assuming they understood English or... No, not even assuming they understood English. Just thinking that they find this sounds pleasant. Something that they would pay attention to, yes. And retain all the knowledge or... Yeah, like if you played it again, they would know what it was. They would know what it was. They'd have a memory of hearing it before. Office ladies. Yeah. Yeah. Pigs are very smart animals. Pigs are very smart. Look, they want to have sex with cats. They're smart.

If you're smart, you'll want to have sex with a cat. When you hear the noises a cat makes during sex, you're like, oh, this is going to be wild. I went in on that. Oh, we're going to have a good time. Oh, my God. So we're counting down these episodes. Yes, we do. Comedy bang bang. Episodes. Your.

Should we get to them? Yeah, man. You want to get to it? Yeah. This is what we're doing. It's Monday. We just had a- What if I took over this part? We just had a holly jolly Christmas. You don't want to take over this part. You're surprised by everything that happens. But what if I weren't? I don't know. This plan supposes, what if I weren't? Okay. Wait, you want to switch roles? I want to switch roles just for one segment to see how it goes.

But you're going to peek ahead. Yeah, I don't care. Who gives a shit? Tell you what. What am I, the listener? I'll take... Holy shit. Am I supposed to be the stand-in for the listener? Yes, you're the audience surrogate. Oh, no, no! You're a total dumb shit. I didn't know that. I want to be the god powers. Do you want me to send you a pic of what our next episode is and you can take over? No, I want to, like, read all the shit. I want to treat you the way you treat me. Yeah, I'll send you a pic of all the info. All right, great. Okay, but that...

That way I don't have to hand you my phone and that way you can't peek ahead at the... I'll just give you the info of the next one. I'm not going to peek ahead. Jesus H. I know you would. All right. Texting you everything and we'll see how you do it. Okay? We'll see how you do it. Friday night and I want it horny. All right. Here we go. This is your episode number seven. Number seven. All right. Number seven. Number seven.

Okay, Scott, this is episode...

Oh, from October 18th, 2021. Okay, now don't you look at your phone too. I know what the thing. Okay, go ahead. This is called Phoebing for some Phoebs. Oh yes, I remember this. Do you remember who was on this one? I remember it's Phoebe Robinson, the second Phoebe that we had on this year. That's right. Can you imagine a year where two Phoebes coexisted? Oh, that can't happen. It happened on this show.

Oh, a year. Yeah, two Phoebes can exist in the same year, but not in the same week. That's true. That didn't happen. What's really sad is knowing that Phoebe Robinson and Phoebe Bridgers, like one of them is not alive for a week. Yeah, they switch off. They're just out of existence. Yeah, and it's not like they're dead or anything. They just blink out of existence. No. It's a shame for the loved ones. It's a shame. So Phoebe Robinson, who else is on this one?

I know Casey Faye, right? He plays your former D.A.R.E. officer, Officer Dreary. Dreary, yes. And then isn't a young man named Paul F. Tompkins on this episode? Well, yes, that's me. And I played a character on this show called an English person.

Kevin Attenborough. An English person. And you only wanted to be introduced as an English person. Yes, that's correct. You didn't even tell me your name? I can't remember. No, and you honored my request. I did. I really had to think about it, though. I think I gave you the name, though. Oh, you did? Did I introduce you as your name? I believe you did, yes. This is a funny episode. People love this. Wait, there's somebody else you're forgetting.

This is fun. I like this role. Oh, it's Gabrus. Yeah. Yeah. He's playing Gino. Okay. Yeah. I was going to see if you knew that.

All right. And Phoebe's on promoting her new book. And Gabrus was Gino, of course. I did this character, a new character where I was narrating everything. It's like a David Attenborough impression, but it turns out he's not David Attenborough, but a relative. A relative. And we'll hear exactly who he is. And let's talk about the process behind it when we come back. Yes. But just know in this clip.

There are spoilers for Many Saints of Newark. That's right. This came out and I think a few people were upset that there was a spoiler for the very beginning of Many Saints of Newark. And I would counter, didn't that

Didn't that movie come pre-spoiled? Right? You know? Because the spoiler is something that you already saw in the Sprannos. I mean, if you're just planning on watching just this movie. Oh, I just meant that the movie was spoiled. I see what you're saying. Scott, that's very clever. That's very clever. It's fun. Not a good movie is what I was saying. But in any case, yes. So if you're really touchy about this movie that came out months and months ago.

At the time this episode came out, it had just come out. That by now you've heard is not very good? And people may have had expectations of like, I might like this. And then, oh no, this thing was, but it is a spoiler for the very, very beginning of the movie. Which, can that even be a spoiler? It can. The very beginning? Well, I can understand it. You want to go in with just fresh eyes and not even knowing what you're going to see. I saw a movie the other day that I was like, I had no idea what it was about. And I liked it more for that because I had no expectations about it. Totenic.

Yeah. I'd never heard – I'd never read a history book. Don't know much about history books is what I said at one point. What about biology books? Love them. All up in them guts. All right. Let's hear this clip from episode 728. This is going – I believe this is going to be – is this me? Yeah. This is – the clip is of you, yes. Okay. It just says it's his first time and then no longer loves Halloween. Yeah.

All right. And away we go. Here we go. Number seven. It's his first time on the show. Please welcome, for the first time, Kevin Attenborough. Having been introduced, the guest approaches the microphone and says, Kevin.

Oh, hello, Kevin. So nice to meet you. It's very nice to be met by you. Thank you so much. Of course. For having me on this program. Yes, it's wonderful to have you. What a wonderful, rich voice you have. I was going to say luxurious, and that didn't fit. Then illustrious, that doesn't fit either. But your voice is great. The confused compliment is received and appreciated. Of course, this is Phoebe Robinson, by the way. I don't know if you've ever met a best-selling author. Hi.

A best-selling author appears. She is engaging, warm, and friendly. Ooh. Nice. Now do Gino. Oh, yeah. This is Gino. Hi, I'm Gino. Nice to meet you, Kevin. I don't know how to explain him. The Gino speaks. A greeting, perhaps. It was. The guy's good. I mean, he nailed it. Exactly what you are. It was technically a greeting. Yeah. So, uh...

Kevin. Creatures such as this geno must not vanish from the earth. I don't think there's any. I think you might be the one person with that opinion, but I appreciate it. I think what he's trying to say is probably what your aunts and your mom say, which is like, you got to procreate, you know? You know, I mean, you're getting up there at this point. You've been in college for 10 years or so. Yeah. It's putting me well into my, you know? Yeah, exactly. You got to freeze, uh, freeze your business. Oh, I forgot. Uh,

Two deep freezers full of comb blocks. If the planet is to survive, measures must be taken to reverse the half. So, Kevin, you're on this show. All I have is you're an English person. I'm sorry that my booker screwed up. I think he just wrote down English person because he doesn't know anything about you. But tell us a little bit about yourself.

Approaching America for the first time from the air, it appears to be nothing more than a mass of clouds. But soon those clouds recede and you see the brown and green that make up a continent. So, okay, yeah. Touching down on the tarmac.

One realizes that the earth is bigger than what is merely in front of our eyes. Oh, good, good. Okay, so you came here from England. Making his way to the podcast studio, the guest notes...

The parking structure. How to enter, how to exit, and the ticket that must be saved. He's going to do the parking structure. Oh, he did it. That's amazing. Wow. I want to hear this guy describe everything from the earth, which he already did, the macro to the micro. You know what I mean? Like bugs and stuff. Holy shit. The earth and the parking structure. Fucking shattered me. There was nothing in between, I noticed. There was the earth.

And then I guess California. He did go... But parking structure is kind of... A cell phone is produced and a photograph is taken of the number of the parking space. This is done for future reference.

I mean, it's not that big of a parking structure, I have to say. It's one level, so I... Secure that the information has been filed away. The guest leaves the parking structure and presses the elevator button. Oh, he's going to do the elevator. Boy, this is incredible. So how did you... Did you have a nice trip up to the studio? Entering the tiny chamber, the guest waits until the doors once again make their presence known.

A sudden lurch is felt as the elevator rises into what can only be described as the air. Holy shit. I feel like I'm on an elevator right now. Yes. With a shuddering stop, the doors again recede and the guest exits. I've never heard it broken down exactly like this. I've never been on an elevator and now I know exactly what it's like. You've never been on an elevator? Can't. It doesn't register my body weight. It always says empty elevator.

I usually have to sneak in underneath one of those serving, those platinum serving things. A cloche. You know, a cloche. Thank you. That's the one thing he didn't narrate. He just corrected you. Fuck, man. I don't have to narrate everything. It is just something that my family does. I wanted to say...

Your voice and your speaking style sounds a lot like a certain person by the name of Richard Attenborough. Is that, or David Attenborough. David Attenborough. Who is, of course, the brother of Richard Attenborough. The brother of Richard, yeah. What is Richard Attenborough's deal? What did he do? Welcome to Jurassic Park. That's right. If nothing else, he made his mark with that. And doesn't he do, he's the guy out-

Welcome to Walmart. Because he's the guy outside the Jurassic Park ride that you see on the videos, right? Yes. Dino DNA. Ha ha ha!

So you're the nephew of that guy. I am his great-great-grandson. Oh, you are? I am but 14 years old. Oh, you're 14 years old? Very excited to be leaving school and traveling to America unaccompanied for the very first time. Really sorry about trying to get into the bathroom while you were in there before. Why are you... The pounding on the door.

the occupant of the restroom. He cowers and waits for the knocking to go away. I gotta ask, Kevin, why were you in charge of the parking ticket? Weren't you driven here by someone? No. In America, I drive myself. No, I mean, maybe in England that's okay. I don't know. They do everything on the opposite side. So maybe like you can drive when you're a baby and then when you're 16 you can't anymore?

Is that how they do it in England? I feel like it has to do with your foreskin. Yeah, okay, I don't know. But you're not supposed to be driving. Within the Department of Motor Vehicles, there is an exemption for one such as me. 14-year-olds from England are permitted to drive. Really? If they drive on the opposite side of the street. Wait, so you're a 14-year-old and driving on the opposite side of the street? This sounds like a traffic hazard. It isn't so far. Okay, well, what time did you arrive here? 4.30 a.m.?

Okay, well, yeah, that explains it. You're going to have a tough time getting out of here. So do you want to be a famous narrator, much like your great-great-great-grandfather? If the clan is to continue...

Someone must teach the young ones the work of the family. Okay, now we're talking the clan, your family, right? Okay, good. I just wanted to make that clear. With a C. Certain words have been ruined by certain groups of people. I know. Like what? He's British, so he can't even get cigarettes anymore. Oh. Yes, we only call it the one thing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

So you want to be a, you want to do what your family did. That's incredible. No. I wish to carve out my own life for myself. Really? At the risk of being shunned by the others. I will go my own way. So they would shun you because you don't want to narrate things?

Or welcome people to Jurassic Park, I guess. The family circles tightly. They will not let the young ones leave for fear of the danger outside. Oh, no. But one young one breaks free. He makes his own way across the continent to find himself in a podcast studio. So, wait, you landed in New York then and came all the way across the country? Yeah, of North America? Yeah.

How did you travel across the plane? The plane would have crossed the continent, too. Yeah, I guess so. But across the. Yeah, I guess I don't expect you to narrate every little step of it. You know, thanks. Do you want to do your own thing, though? I want to do my. What do you want to do, little Kevin? To become the next Tony Hawk. Skateboarder Tony Hawk? Like as an actor or skateboarder?

Tony Hawk. There's a skateboarder named Tony Hawk? Yeah. I mean, that's the guy I'm thinking of. He's a famous skateboarder. He perfected all these weird tricks. Phoebe, you must know Tony Hawk, right? Yeah. Everyone knows him. Tony Hawk, pro skater too. Yeah. I mean, you're of the generation that idolized Tony Hawk, right? Yes, he was my favorite. Yeah, of course. He's what made me get into comedy. Of course. Yeah. Discovering there are two Tony Hawks.

Is surprising. I don't know that there are... But resiliently, the young one forges ahead. I don't know that there are two Tony Hawks, I have to say, Kevin. What is your Tony Hawk that you want to emulate, though? He is a super marionation puppet who rode on a rocket ship in a poorly received BBC pilot. I guess I didn't see this, but what was the pilot called? It was called Tony Hawk Flies Under the Moon. LAUGHTER

Okay, so that's the only thing you've... Half an hour. That's the only thing you know Tony Hawk. 21 minutes. 21 minutes. The title of the show itself is sort of an undersell. He flies underneath the moon. Yeah, well, not over it or around it at the very least. He doesn't even look up. He didn't even look at it as he passed it? He goes under the moon and just sits there. I would...

I would at least tilt my neck up. Then he dictates a letter to his wife saying, this is dull. Why did I do this? It wasn't worth our marriage. Who's he dictating it to? He broke up because of this? When he returns to Earth, he finds his wife has died. What? In the arms of another man. Oh, okay. So he knew they broke up. They are buried in a huge coffin. What? Together? Yes. You can do that? No. It was a TV program. Oh, okay. Okay.

Wow. So, God, I haven't heard about this show. Church groups fearing moral decay picketed the BBC for years and years. Years and years because of this one 21-minute program. And you saw it and you said, I want to do what part of it exactly? I want to fly under the moon. Okay, well. But this time I will look up.

Yes, at that great big ball of cheese up there. A spacecraft equipped with a window in the ceiling. Like a sunroof. Moonroof, probably. Yeah, I guess it would be a moonroof, yeah. Because you don't want, A, because you don't want it to open, and B, you're going to look at the moon. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, I mean, people are, you know, flying up into space all the time these days. People are.

So why should it be? Big Depeche Mode fan. Who? Wait, you're just talking? You never said radio? It's by the BBC pilot starring Depeche Mode. A la Mode? Where they work in an ice cream shop? It eventually evolved into the TV show The Young Ones. Yep, that's right. The entire band was fired, replaced by actors. Incredible. So you, I mean, people are flying up in space these days. The incredible edible egg. Yes, thank you.

It's almost like you're a member of the Church of Commercials. But people are flying up there, like William Shatner, he's going to go up there and he's like almost dang 90 years old or something like that. He's going to fly up there. Jeff Bezos is going to buzz around up there. I mean, much like Buzz Aldrin, he was the original Buzz up there. I didn't realize how many boring old

people were flying into space. Yeah. It's starting to lose its appeal. It really is. We need young blood up there, you know? Pass. You're not going to do it anymore? You've talked me out of it. This is your main life stream. I mean, you're 14. I understand, like, these things change, but... Yeah, when I was 14, I wanted to be a Navy SEAL, so... Oh, really? Things changed, yeah. But then Obama...

Then, you know, Obama got elected. I was like, I refuse to fight on his behalf. I guess I met Osama, got killed. I conflated the two, which is easy to do. I do that all the time. I never realized that those two names sound so similar. Well, then I've got a bunch of flags on trucks on Long Island to show you. Okay. So you don't want to do it anymore. Well, okay, great. Maybe you should just narrate things because you're great at it. Narration. Why does it exist?

When the medium of television is show, not say. I know. Yeah, it is interesting. Anytime narration pops up in something like I watched this Hugh Jackman movie the other day. I didn't say huge. No, not chappy. Is he is Hugh Jackman in that? I haven't seen that. Who put that on the list? But.

But I saw whatever just came out. It was like Reverie or Reminiscence or something. Reminiscence. Is it Reminiscence? Okay, yeah. So I watched that, and the minute it starts, it's like, so I work at this place, and it's like he's just explaining everything. The many scenes in Newark starts with a dead character from the Sopranos series, Christopher Moltisanti, doing the setup of the voiceover and even saying, and I'm going to hell soon. Okay.

Oh, no. He's aware that he's dead. Buried in a Catholic cemetery, the character describes his own murder at the hands of Tony Soprano. Oh, no. Does he talk about working on Shark Tale?

Because he was great. I did a VO session with him. He was amazing. I read with him. Moltisanti? Whoever plays him. Imperioli. Yes, yes, yes. Whoever plays him. You had life on Mars. What a great session it must have been. You had life on Mars. Tribute to a wonderful actor. Whoever plays him. The guy who plays Christopher. My favorite actor from Life on Mars.

And the Emmy goes to the guy who played Christopher. Did he win? He should have. He's great. Whoever it was. Well, yeah, just narrate things now. This is great. I mean, you know, your family will be happy. I'll be happy. If you see. If you see what? If you see a seal on a beach and an orca comes out of the ocean and bites the seal in half.

Do you need someone to explain what's going on? I guess not. That would be kick-ass if I saw that, though. It seems pretty obvious. Yeah. Oh, my God. Now I want to see that. Do you know where I can see something like that? Yes. Where? There is a nature program that's all about whales called Secrets of the Whales, narrated by Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney Weaver from Alien! My gosh.

And there is a long, long section where young orcas are practicing how to snatch a seal off the beach. Practicing? To the point where the viewer feels as if it's supposed to root for this gigantic monster to destroy this tiny dog of the ocean.

So they're practicing, so they're just like picking them off one by one, or they're practicing on rocks? Not at first. You watch them getting good at it, and then eventually they get the seal. Oh, my God. That was the thing that undid. I didn't want to be a Navy SEAL after I saw that. That orca thing? Because once that could happen, if that could happen to a baby SEAL, it could happen to a Navy SEAL. Yeah, exactly. Of course. The baby SEAL.

admiring its grandparents, grows up and enlists in the service and becomes a Navy SEAL. Yep. Do you think a SEAL knows its grandparents or is it just like other animals? You know what I mean? What? No, I understand. I understand the first, he looks at his grandparents and says other animals. You know what I mean? Like looks at his extended family and says,

Other animals. But, you know, do they have relationship? Like, obviously, there's no language between... I don't think there's like a seal grandma putting $5 in a card and giving it to the seal every birthday. That's my question. There's no language between them. So the concept of a grandparent... A seal suffocated by his mother's desires has no choice but to stay at home and take care of the family. You'd know your mom because of all the... When he wanted to go out...

And star as Sally Bowles in a revival of Cabaret for Seals. Are we talking about Seal the singer right now? He wanted to star in Cabaret? Seal, who loves Halloween, now estranged from his former wife, Heidi Klum. Klum, yes. Puts on an elaborate costume all by himself at home, turns off the porch lights, and watches the remake of Candyland. Ha!

This I want to see. See, this is a documentary I want to see. You've piqued my interest here. I'm just telling a story that hasn't happened. I'm not narrating anything. It should happen. God. Hopefully it doesn't snow because did you know that when it snows, his eyes become light? Of course we know. We all know what happens to- Poor guy. Phoebe, are you a Seal fan? I do like Seal. Yeah. He's great, right? Amazing.

Amazing. To think about him on Halloween, he used to go to all those parties with Heidi Klum. He just got to sit around the house. God, you're really making, you're breaking my heart here. Do you think Seal's not getting invited to Halloween parties since he got divorced from Klum? Well, I mean, she seemed like the one who wanted to do all the big like, ha ha, I'm a supermodel, but I don't dress, you know, like sexy. I put bolts in my neck. Isn't that cute? Ha ha ha.

You know, so that seemed like her thing. And now like if he goes, he could kick it up like eight notches and be like, no, I was the mastermind behind all this. And his thing is comedy movies. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Pop star. He never stops. That's the one I know. And something else. That was good. Oh, the Masked Singer too. He was in that. Maybe the most recognizable voice to ever be in the Masked Singer. Like the minute he did, he opened his voice. Everyone was like, oh, this is Seal. A seal? Yeah. He was dressed like a seal. That was the other part of it.

Everyone's like, is it Croft? Is it Croft? And it was like, no, it's Seal. That's a modern reference, right? I got it. Thank you. Gino, it's timeless. Well, Kevin. The references crusted in age and time. Lost on the listeners of the podcast. Well, yeah, probably. Kevin, I feel bad for you. A thousand people flock to Wikipedia. Yeah.

to see if they can understand their favorite program. That's usually to change someone's page because of something we talked about, but... Seal, his page altered. Now no longer loves Halloween. LAUGHTER

Number seven. Now, Scott, I know this one took you by surprise because the rhythms are a little different than one of my normal characters. This is what I wrote down of what I was going to talk about? Yeah. Yes, it did, Paul. I don't know if you felt that when we were doing it. No, I felt great. You felt like you had trouble figuring out what to do with it. A little bit because Paul...

We have such an easy rapport usually with our characters where I'm not saying easy rapport in the sense of like your characters like me or anything. No, they don't. But I normally know the rhythms of what to ask. Here's the thing. They're more conversational. They're a little more conversational. That probably is what it was, was you were narrating things which-

Which is not as maybe as active in a way. It's about talking about something that happened in the past. Maybe that's what it was. Well, what I was trying to do and what was tricky about it and more tricky than I – trickier than I imagined it was going to be was trying to narrate as if I were having a conversation and saying things, not just recapping what is going on, but also –

describing my character's thoughts and feelings. Right. As if it's something that I was saying to you.

Yes. Does that make sense? It does make sense. Is this something that you were doing at home when you were watching a particular documentary that was being narrated? Oh, I will always imitate him anytime I see a thing. Yeah. Anytime I see one of his nature docs, I will always. Like for the next day or so, you'll wander around the house narrating. Well, no, don't do that. That's insane. Like a fucking crazy weirdo. No, I'm not a crazy weirdo. You got to believe me, guys. Don't let Scott turn you against me.

No, it was interesting because it was a little like the rhythm was – just the rhythm was a little different or something. So I was a little set back on my heels, a little bit of like, am I dealing with this right? And so I couldn't quite tell if I was doing a good job. Because you don't want to fuck up the bit. I don't want to fuck up the bit. So I'm trying to lay out a little bit but also – so whatever. But I remember in the first five minutes of it or so going like, am I doing okay? I can't quite tell. Yeah.

And so I left from it going like, I thought it was really funny, but I'm not sure if I did a good job. And then to have everyone receive it the way that it was received was – Yeah, you did a perfect job. Yeah.

I wouldn't say perfect, but thank you. But a very funny episode and people, people, a universal acclaim for what you did. It was fun. Yeah. And it was very different. It was, it was a slower character for sure. And you know, everything was very deliberately said and so forth, but it was a lot of fun. And I'm, I was glad I was able to do it on the show. Now let's talk about Casey. Casey Faye. Uh,

He, this was his first episode. You saw him on stage with Susie Barrett. No, I did not. No, Susie mentioned. These are, you're just reading my notes and they make sense to me. Can I just say what they are? Susie, Susie mentioned during her plugs. So you asked for his email. Oh God. No, here's what, here's what, here's what happened before the pandemic.

went to the UCB. I can't remember why. Oh, no, we were having dinner next door. We said, let's pop in. Franklin and Company? I think it was. And this was back when you could have dinner and just go out and walk to a place. This is before everybody got a trophy. So we popped next door and there happened to be a funny improv show going on that Mike Mitchell was in. Who did he do a scene with? It was so funny. Okay.

It was, it was, they were both lighthouse captains. I can't remember who it was, but it was really, really funny. Willem Dafoe? It was, I mean, it was the month that that was out. So it was like sort of based on that or something, but it was really funny. And then, and then I saw a whole bunch of other people. And when I see someone that I think is really funny, I, I would like look them up. I would like try to hear their name or whatever, or look up who was on the show that night. And then, then for a while I was keeping like,

In all of my tabs that I have open on my – in like Safari on my iPhone, I would have a tab of like, hey, I got to somehow figure out how to contact this person. And so Casey Faye's like bio was in my phone for years. His bio? His biomaterial. Like matter. His DNA was in my phone. Dino DNA. Yes, by the way. I wanted to mention. That's –

It cracked me up so much when you said dino DNA. I think I wrote that down. You did, right? You just wrote down dino DNA. Yes. It's so funny. Dino DNA. Listening back to the clips, I was dying of that. We had a good time. So anyway, I had Casey Faye's biography as an open tab in my phone for years, right? And I didn't know how to get a hold of him or anything. For years? For years. For years.

And of just like, oh, that was a really funny person. I should try to figure out if they can do the show. I need a better system is what I'm trying to say. I don't know. It seems to have worked. But then the pandemic hit and we had to sort of close ranks. Maybe I talked about this. But we had to close ranks a little bit and use people that we knew had good microphones. And so the amount of people that we could have on the show – and like I said, it's hard to have more than three sometimes on a Zoom. So it just –

it became a little more insular. And so it went years where I just was not following up on these people that I thought were really funny that I was keeping on my phone. And then we opened back up and Susie Baird, who's been on the show a couple of times recently, she just played the potato a couple of weeks ago, which is really funny. And also was on with you in a different episode. She in her plugs mentioned him and,

of like something that she's like, I'm doing a show with this person, this person and Casey Faye. And I like grabbed her after the episode was like, do you know Casey Faye? Do you have his email? Look at my phone tab. I was like, I can solve this problem that I've had for two years. But he was really funny. And I want to have him back on the show. But yeah, anyway. How many tabs, how many tabs you have right now? Okay. Well,

Let me see. I've now, it was in the hundreds, I think, but I. The fuck? I finally figured out that you can arrange them in by subject matter. So now I only have 26 in my main. Is this, when you say tabs, do you mean like Safari? Yes, Safari tabs. Yes. Like I mean like open web pages. Yeah. For stuff that I refer to all the time.

Yeah. Okay. I know. Hey, man, it's your life. Well, you know, like probably about five of them are just things that I was looking at right before the show. But then there are a good- So there's just 95. A good 21 that I am constantly going back to. Wow. To be like, oh, okay. And they're just like, it's easier than closing them. Also, I don't want to lose them. I don't know. Anyway, there's got to be a better system. But anyway, that's why Casey-

You can mark them like you would in a book. I've tried it. I tell you what, I did that one day and I bookmarked all my tabs and I was trying to find one the other day. This is at home on my home computer. Just the other day? Just the other day. I was walking down the street. A pretty lady came up to me and I was like, I don't know what to say. Bill? Bill?

No, but I went to go find it and none of it had worked. I did like a hundred of them. That's horrible. And closed them all and none of it had worked. I didn't save any of them. And I was just like, well, I don't know how to find this thing anymore. Anyway, I'm an idiot. Scott, don't talk that way about someone that I love. I wasn't talking about Janie. I'm talking about myself. Wait, whenever we mention Janie, you get a boner? Sure.

But funny episode. Any final thoughts about that episode? Now it's time for my final thought. I thought this was a good episode and everybody liked it, including me. Yes.

Take care of each other. What did he sign off with, Jerry Springer? I don't know. What could he have possibly signed off with? I can't imagine him saying take care of each other and still hosting that show. Take care of each other. Take care of each other so I don't have to do this anymore. I think he did have some sign off, but I can't remember. We'll find out. We will. We will definitely find out and we'll sign off with it. Okay, we have to take a break. Or did you want to do this part two? Nah. No. Yeah, I get it. We have to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to be at number six. Number six. You're number six. That's going to be exciting. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, boy oh boy, we're back. Comedy Bang Bang, boy oh boy, we're back and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't stop us from being back. You could stop this episode, but we'll still be back. Oh shit, that's true. They could stop it. Please don't stop the episode. That is sort of like they stopped us. We want you to listen to this. Please, please, have a heart. Look at your heart. Listen to this episode. It was a good movie. That movie's good. It's good. Just watch it again.

I could watch it again. I haven't seen it in a while. Every time I think about it, it makes me want to watch it. Very good. Did I tell you about that? Me and some friends were watching three Coen, every weekend we would, we were planning on watching three Coen brother movies. Oh, you know what they say? Make a plan, watch God laugh. And he did. What a weird thing for God to be, takes his joy in. Anytime anyone talks about God, he's usually an asshole. He sounds like a real bad dude. He's a real dip. He's a drip.

But we did it one week. We watched the first three Coen Brothers movies. Chronologically? We're doing it chronologically. And we were going to do it for eight weeks in a row or something like this. So we did the first week. We watched Blood Simple, Raising Arizona, and then Miller's Crossing. Great. Next week, we decided to do it again. And we did Barton Fink, Hudsucker, and...

And then Fargo, I think, was after that, right? That sounds right. But what happened is Kulop made barbecue beef in a big crock pot. Sounds like a problem. And our good friend Paul Rust, laughing and joking in our kitchen, was laughing and having a good time and took the serrated knife off.

I remember this story now. And was cutting open his roll to put the barbecue beef on and sliced open his hand and blood went everywhere. Ceiling, refrigerator, in the barbecue beef, everywhere. That's the end of that beef. And I can't tell you, he was the first, like none of us had gotten our own beef yet. He was the first one there. And I was just like...

Our mouths were salivating for this beef. Of course, I had to take him to the hospital. And the whole time I'm gaming out like, where can we get barbecue beef in this area? Like whenever my responsibility of taking Paul to the hospital is done. Did you try the hospital? They didn't have any. Oh, okay. Weirdly enough. All right. Because it was lunchtime. We had just watched the first... We had just watched... Bart and Fink. Bart and Fink. And...

Oh my God. And we didn't end up, like we ended up just getting fast food or whatever. Because you know, you can't eat that beef if it has human blood in it because then you get the taste for it. Yeah, exactly. And then they'll have to put you down. I'm just a rabid human. But great day. And then we never picked it back up. That was the thing. We had a plan. Well, Paul ruined it. Of course. Of course he never picked it back up. He ruined it. He did.

But we did go see Fargo for Neil Campbell's birthday. His girlfriend rented a theater and surprised him with his favorite movie. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah, the Los Feliz 3 over there. So we've had some good Coen Brothers times. Sure. It's not the end? No, it's not the end times. I'd love to do that again at some point, but I never will, I'm sure. But anyway, it was a good idea while it lasted.

I think I've seen every one of their movies. The only one I've never finished was. Can I finish? The only one I never finished was, what is it? Irreconcilable Differences or whatever it's called. Is that what it's called? No. Intolerable Cruelty. Yeah, that's the true story. I do this every, I have to go there first. You never finished that one. Never finished it. I saw it in the theater, so I. We walked out. You walked out. Yes. Walked out. Interesting. I just saw the final one I hadn't seen, which was the Billy Bob Thornton Barber one.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The Man Who Wasn't There. Yeah. Great performance by Richard Jenkins. Yeah. Richard Jenkins, by the way, great performance in a new movie, Nightmare Alley. I just read that book. Oh, you did? Yes. How'd you like it? It's a good book? It's a good book. It's from the 40s, like from 1947 or something. Well, the original movie I've owned for a while. I didn't know there was an original movie. There's a noir, like, 40s or 50s version of it that is really good. They had to tack a happy ending on it, I guess. Weird. But...

That was the aforementioned movie that I didn't know anything about. So I came in without – I think if I had known what it was about, I would have been expecting the quote plot unquote of it to start a little earlier than it does in the movie. But I was just like –

Didn't know anything about it and fully expected the first half of the movie to just be what it was about. Right. And then like does a switcheroo. That sounds pretty faithful to the book actually. Yeah. And I will say that after I read the – after I finished the book, I looked up the cast because I just heard that Guillermo del Toro was doing it. Right. But I didn't know who was in it. Right.

it and then I was very excited I was like this is great casting it's great casting Richard Jenkins is really good in it yeah and good movie I enjoyed it I mean I know a lot of people are like well it's not as good as the original or whatever the original movie because that's a classic but whatever fuck yourself I've never heard of it fuck yourself and fuck me fuck you fuck me and if you're a pig fuck a cat fuck off fuck off fuck that pig fuck your cat fuck a cat you pig fuck a cat you pig

I don't know what we were talking about, but we were talking about the Coen brothers. Oh, we were talking about Look in Your Heart. Okay, yeah. Got it, got it. I'm back, I'm back. We have to retrace every time. Why were we talking about something so we don't skip over anything? Okay, let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number six. Number six. Okay, number six. Paul. Hi. Your name is Paul? I am Paul. And we've never met before. Is that correct? Yes. Is this my card? All right, this is episode 709.

7-0-9, okay. From June 7th, 2021. 7-0-9-6-7-2021. Okay. But just think about what was happening in the world. What was happening in June? In a world. In the world of June 2021. By the way, Devin and Ryan have switched seats. I don't know what's happening. Ryan was like, I want to sit in your ass heat and vice versa.

I want to sit in your ass heat. And he nodded too. Yeah, like, yep, that was the conversation we had. How cold is it in there? Is it the same temperature in both rooms? Oh, boy. Get a space heater. Hey, get a space heater, guys. Hey, get a space heater, you two. I love being...

Is it Caddyshack or is it just another Rodney Dagenfield movie where he's like, hey, you two get a room and then you two should get a warehouse? I'm not familiar with that. I think it must be another movie. Okay. Maybe a Back to Shul. Something like that, yes. Okay, so this is June 7th. What was going on in the world? I don't know. Well, I'll tell you one thing. I can't remember. This is an episode called Sprague's Survivor.

And what was going on in the world was we were back in studio, baby. Oh, that's what was going on in the world? Well, no, the vaccines had rolled out. Sure.

I don't know if you remember, but May, mid-May was when everyone started feeling like comfortable. I do remember that. Yes. And I believe you and I and our significant others went and took a little mini trip this week as well. We took a little trip. Took a little trip. So us going on a trip was what was going on in the world. That's what was going on in the world. We took a trip. Yeah.

But this was our, I believe this is our first episode back in the studio, completely back in the studio. Wow. So we had done a few hybrid shows where we had some guests from New York and such booked. From New York City? That's right. Where the chili is bad. And isn't that what that commercial is about? I thought it was about hot sauce. Is it hot sauce? Hot sauce. These two switcheroo, the switcheroo gang. The switcheroo gang over here. This is agreeing. Yeah.

But I bet the chili's bad, too. There's no way there's any good chili in New York. Name one good chili restaurant in New York. I dare you. Name the most famous New York chili restaurant. But yeah, we had done a few hybrids. I know there was one with- A man and a cow. Yeah, we put together a man with a cow's head and then a cow-

With a cow's head. That was just switching back. A different cow's head. Yeah, a different cow's head. No, but we had done a few, and this was the first one where everyone was back. And the excitement is just giddy energy. It's palpabale. It's really us just like...

We hadn't seen each other. Like we hadn't seen anyone in person for a long time. And so to be in the same room doing this show that we love to do, it was really exciting. So that's what you're going to hear. The people involved are John Gabrus, who's playing Gino, of course. We have Sean, although I shouldn't say of course because he played a different character earlier in this countdown. Yeah, you never know with him. You never knew one time. One time. Yeah.

Sean Diston is here. Sean, this is his first appearance on the Countdown? Is it really? No. Rudy North? That can't be the first appearance. No, I think this is his first appearance on the Countdown. Really? Wow. He is playing Sprague the Whisperer, of course, a person with whom I host another show called Scott Hasn't Seen. That's right. We have Will Hines, the aforementioned Will Hines. We talked about him on the podcast earlier. He is...

He came in and said he is a chair salesman with the name of Andy Manders. And then we have Mike Hanford who lives in New York now, but he was in town that week. There you go. And he's playing someone named Zuby Condorino. And listen, I just want to take this time to give a special shout out to Lily Sullivan. Please don't. That'll come later. So this is, we're going to hear clips from every segment of this. What's Mike's character's name again? Zuby Condorino. Zuby Condorino. Yeah.

Plus some other characters that they have done will drop by. So we're going to hear a bunch of selections from this show. This is what you chose to be number six. Number six.

Well, we have to get to our first guest. And Gino, are you sticking around? I can never tell. I'm going to stick around, but I'm going to be quiet because I'm going to let other guests shine because I'm just an intern. Okay, good. I'll hold you to that. But we have to get to our first guest, and he's someone who I've held dear to my own heart. We were roommates for a while, and...

During the pandemic, and we watched a lot of movies together. I'm about to start crying. The entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles oeuvre together, and we had a falling out, and I moved out and got my own place. Yeah. Oh, I forgot about that. But you can still cry. But welcome back to the show. He is a producer over there at Whisper Studios. Please welcome back Sprague the Whisperer. We're coming back.

by right back to the Earwolf Studios. Hey, Scott. I don't know what that was a parody of. I think Wild Wild West or something. But truly, I pulled the trigger on it very late, Scott. You seem to have forgotten it after three words what you were doing. I'm going

Uncertainty in your eyes. It was terrifying. It's a lot easier on Zoom. I could have like notes in front of me. I could have like the backing track, the count in. Three, two, one. You have to share your screen though. So it would have been a whole thing. Yeah, it's better. You know, I fucked that up a few times. Yeah, of course. Oh, history. Oh, I fucked up so many shared screens.

Welcome back. Do you know Gino? I don't know whether you've ever been on a show before. I think we may have met on a show where there was maybe 40 to 30 other people. We've crossed a couple of times in real clusterfuck type situations. We really have. We really have. And I do want to... I think you guys would be friends. We're going to... Listen, Gino, in a minute, I'm going to have a proposal for you. Whoa! Is it going to be indecent or... We'll see. It might be. I hope it's a Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Bullock vehicle. We'll have to figure it out. Scott, can I tell you something I'm pissed about? Oh, sure. Yeah. Is it a segment? Yeah.

It's a segment. Okay, great. Yeah. Spraggy's pissed, baby. Spraggy's pissed, baby. Do we have a theme song for that? Roll the theme music. Got it. Spraggy's pissed, baby. Wild, wild west. I used to live downtown. What's good about being in student is you could sing and you're not hearing a delay. Yeah. That was really good. That was incredible. Well, Spraggy's pissed.

You know, Scott, me and Scott were working on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, of course. Reboot, yeah, which turned out to not be a reboot. It was actually, we didn't have the rights to it. We didn't have the rights, but we were doing something called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which I think we could have got away with on the posters. I said, let's make them turtles. Let's just make them, you know, 20, 25. I want to misspell turtles. That's the way to get the loophole. Okay, all right. So we were...

We were in pre-production. We were working on our stunt coordination. We were in pre-pro, of course. And Scott, I found something out that blew up the entire project. What happened here? Well, tell everyone. I know what happened, of course. I'll tell everyone. Did you guys know that it is illegal in the state of California to have nunchucks?

I did not know that. I did not. But you know, they just legalized it in New York. Did they legalize it? So we could shoot this in New York? Turtles in the City. Turtles in the City. Wait, they were in New York. Oh, we could put the Ninja Turtles in New York City. I like you guys' idea. Good idea. Oh, they get pizza? You guys are on fucking fire. This is good. Manhole pizza? Well, we're going to have to figure it out. Oh, wait a minute. It's going to end up where you're at. Maybe Mr. Big could show up?

We might have. And he just shows up and he's just like, get in the limo. This is the end of the show. We don't know if he's Mr. Big or if he's the dude from Law and Order. I think this is a great idea. But so for right now, the California production has been shut down. Yeah. Well, I mean, the surfing scene. Oh, yeah. It's not really a scene. It was more of like a set piece. It was a big set piece. It was like a giant 25-inch set piece. Which is going to cost us $3 million just for the surfing. Yeah. Well, it was a crossover with Sharknado as well.

It was a lot. Ian Ziering was there. And the fact that we had Michelangelo sort of doing his nunchuck thing on the surfboard. Yeah. We have to cut the whole scene. Well, we also learned there is no I in Ian Ziering. There's just an Anne Ziering. Yeah.

Maybe you learned that. I don't know if that was something I learned, Scott. But here's the thing, Scott. Here's the thing. Okay. Wait, is this a segment? Here's the thing? Here's the thing with Spraggy, baby. Here's the thing, baby, with Spraggy, baby. Wild, wild west. I used to live downtown. Now, I've, of course, because my Turtles project is down the drain, I've been...

No pun intended. No pun intended. We made a lot of those jokes. No, that's what I put on Patreon. We had to really clamp down on them because we were laughing too hard. No pun intended on that. We would laugh for like 15 minutes and then we would go like, what were we even talking about?

even talking about? I'll declare this. Pun accidentally said. Thank you. Now, I have been watching Scott. I've been watching a lot of Survivor. Reset. Okay, thank you. You said my name. Good. Scott. Okay, great. All right. Back in character. Good. And now I've been watching a lot of Survivor. Really? Old Survivor episodes. I've been watching a lot of Survivor, Scott. And, you know. Not the band Survivor. No, no, no. Not the Eye of the Tiger. Survivor. And that's

is what brings me to my proposal for Gino. This is unprecedented. This is exciting. You want me to get naked? No, no, no, Gino, no, no, no. Roll around in some money on a bed? We can talk about that later. We can talk about that later. That can be the indecent side of the proposal. But right now, Gino, I want to propose an alliance between our two characters...

Oh, interesting. I don't have any characters. No, I know what you mean. He means your character. The way you are as a person. If I think if Sprague and Geno form an unlikely alliance here, we might be able to win the best ofs this year. Oh!

Oh, this is a good idea because usually it's every person for themselves. But here's what we do. We just do other episodes and just totally throw them. Like we get there. We're on it. I already started this plan. I enacted it big time. Any other episode you're on, you just throw the episode. You make it a little weird. You maybe say something that throws someone else's character off, you know. And then that way, when the voting comes up, it's me and Gino strong in the end. You know what I mean?

Or we can just make a big campaign for this episode. No, we got to do that as well, Gino. Oh, okay. So the ones you're on together, you do really well on. And then you appear on other people's episodes separately and you tank them. Listen, I used to- But what's to stop you from making this same deal with some of these other fucking people? Okay, no, so listen to me, Gino, Gino. Right now- John Lennon or whatever. Gino, listen, we got the numbers, okay? Right now I've got Rudy North.

Whoa. I've got Mike Ruby, the no-stake plumber. Oh, yeah, the no-stake plumber. He was a huge hit. I've got them in my back pocket. They're two goats. We're going to take them to the finals, me and you, Gito. But then it'll just be the two of you? It'll just be this. This isn't on your Patreon, is it, Sprig? No, no. Oh, okay. Then I'm game. I can maybe get a slice here. All right, I'm in. There's maybe a way. I don't know how. If we could make it a thing that appears on my Patreon. Oh, yeah, wouldn't that be convenient? That might be pretty good.

But I'm telling you, Gino, look, Gino, historically, your episodes don't get as many votes as they should because you split the vote. You're in so many. Yes, you're in so many great episodes that people don't know what to vote for. Plus, everything you say kind of runs together. Right, right, right. Yeah, and a huge part of it is that I don't give a shit. Right. You're not going to make it. Podcast listeners who are arguably worse than TV extras. That's the thing, Gino. That's the best thing. No one will ever suspect it. Yes.

You're a dark horse. Me and you make an alliance right now. Ooh, Palomino. Exactly. Me and you make an alliance. We just get those two Sullenberger guys out of the fucking- Yeah, you got to get them out first. Because they're the biggest threat right now. Okay. What do you think? Can I trust you, Gino? Is the voting open?

No, no. It won't be open until November. No, no, no. If we can get through. You've got to lay the groundwork. So this is just a five-month heads up. Yes. But what we've got to do today is we've got to vote one of these characters out of the episode at the end of the episode. Oh, at the end of this episode, we're voting someone out? Yeah.

That plugs me and you, Gino. We just got to hold strong. Any of these other guys come in, these new characters. So this is the survivor part. At the end of your fucking spiel. I got it. So at the end of this episode, Gino, as long as we vote, and Scott, you're obviously playing all the sides. Well, I'm probes. You're probes, of course. In this situation, of course. As long as we stay strong. Greg probes. We're great. Greg probes, of course. He does. You know, but this is a good idea, right, Gino? This is a fucking wonderful idea. Sprague it was? Yeah. That's right.

Well, this is fun. Yeah, so this is good stuff. This is great. I'm feeling really good. I'm feeling like I can trust you guys. Oh, of course you can trust. Scott, can I talk to you for a minute? Oh, my God. Who's this? Scott, I don't mean to interrupt. John, wait, is this John Lennon? Holy shit, it's Yoko's husband, John Lennon.

No, this is not about me. I just, I left behind a DVD before the pandemic. Oh, wait, which one? The Blindside DVD. Oh. I've had the worst pandemic. I haven't been able to watch my favorite movie. I actually have, it's not a DVD, it's a Blu-ray. It's not yours, I'm assuming, but it's the steelbook of Blindside if you want that. It's a Blu-ray? It's a Blu-ray. I don't have the equipment for that. It's a DVD. I'm looking for a DVD. Lenny, you don't have a Blu-ray player?

player? I do not. No. You know, a rigged... Seems like you... I don't need to get into all this stuff. John Lennon, a guy could get a Blu-ray player, really. Sure I could, but I like the quality of a DVD. Okay. Well, you don't have... Do you have an HDTV? Is that... An HD... Not HGTV. Okay, now...

Yes, I do. Okay. You do have an HGTV? I do have an HGTV. Okay. It's just got a lot of dirt on it. I don't know what this means. Okay. It's a TV. It's a digital TV. It's a TV with plants on it? Okay. Yeah, and so you don't have my DVD. I don't have it. I'm sorry, but come here for a second. Come here. Hold on. Let me crawl under here.

Let's go to the table. You brought this little weird dog tunnel thing. Why have you got to put it down and crawl through it? Are you doing agility classes after this? You know, I'm getting on in age and it's keeping me spry. Come here for a second. Spry? Oh, Sprague. Different guy. Come here for a second. Hey, we need to vote out these two assholes. From what I overheard, it was at the end of the episode. Ha ha ha!

They're too powerful. We can't wait till the end of the episode. And you overheard this? I thought we were being so quiet. No, I was behind that big steel door. I think you got ripped off. Oh, no. In fact, some of the other studios here... Oh, shit, this is just aluminum foil. What was I doing? Some of the other studios are complaining that you're bleeding into that. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Are you in? Do we have an alliance? I'm in, but I'm not going to be here for long. I need to get my DVD and a lunch I left before the pandemic. Okay, but you can come back at the end of the show. Was it in a bowl by the door? Yes. It's gone. Did that damn four-legged intern eat his...

No, the three-legged intern, me. Just kidding, I only have two. His nub. My little nub. If I lay down, we don't have to get into it. Let's not. I'm going to sneak out of here and go wait. All right, John. We'll see you at the end of the show. She loves you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Don't get me started with that. And you are all asleep. You've all fallen asleep. You've entered the realm of the dream lord. Oh, my gosh. Welcome, all of you. John Lennon.

Thin man with the big shirt. Dr. Gino Lombardo, you can call me that. That could be John Lennon as well. You really should specify it.

Movie producer and host. I won't be long. I'm so sorry to have you guys fall asleep. I just, I just. What made us fall asleep, by the way? I made you fall asleep. I needed to communicate. Oh, okay. It wasn't John Lennon's story or anything like that? No, no, no. I'm just. Hey, Dream Lord. Can I talk to you for a second over here? Okay, yes. Sure. I am the master of this dream. I'm going to go play with these flying caterpillars over here. Yeah, of course. Well, I'm going to titty fuck Katy Perry again.

Hey, dream lord, dream lord. Hey, you're a good guy. I think I can trust you. There's something about you that's very trustworthy. Oh, I appreciate that. Thank you. You're sort of a lord and I'm also a sprague. Sprague, right? Yeah, those are sort of similar. Listen, me and you, we're going to split the vote and we're going to blindside Lenin. We've got to get this guy out of here. He's too good. He's too fun loving. Without any context, I'm going to say I understand and I'm in. Okay, great.

I'll let you guys wake up now. I'll see you later. Woo! Woo!

All right, well, we do need to get to our next guest. He is the aforementioned salesperson. We're going to find out what he sells. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Andy Manders. Hey, Scott, thanks so much for having me. Hey, so great to meet you. Andy Manders. Andy Manders, yes. Chair salesman. Oh, Sprig, nice to meet you. Oh, you wanted to say chair salesman before I introduced you to... That's okay. You're a chair, so you sell chairs specifically. I'm Gino Lombardo. This is Gino, though. So you sell chairs. Seemed like you wanted to quickly get out your thing. Just real quick, uh...

I think this is a smart idea. Before anyone could disrupt it or... I don't know why I would worry about that. I've never met any of you before. Just I just traditionally when I'm meeting with people, I try to get my thing out pretty fast. It's a smart move. We would remember you. In 2021, it's smart. Just people's conversations are really accelerating, I find, in society. And if you don't get your thing out fast, it gets taken away from you. Of course. Where'd you grow up?

Oh, please misspeak. Please misspeak. Ohio. Ohio. Ohio. Northern Ohio. Right outside of Cleveland. Oh, right outside. Really? Parma, Ohio. Why not just in Cleveland? Well, it's funny. When you're born...

You don't pick. So I guess I should have. But you know what I mean? That's a good t-shirt. Your parents pick. I feel like that's a good t-shirt. When you're born, you don't pick. Yeah, and then it's a baby picking their nose. This is a t-shirt. This is good. You're like Lady Gaga. You were born that way in Northern Ohio. Yeah, just outside of Cleveland. I was born that way in an uninteresting town. You ever go to that baseball museum?

Yes, I have. The one in New York? The one in Cooperstown, New York? Yeah. Why? Yes, why did I go there? Everyone's looking at his coat like he's out of his mind. It's a fair question. I went somewhere and defended. I am a fan of baseball, unrelated to anything we've brought up. Like how big of a fan? I'd say medium plus. Medium plus. What's up with the chairs?

Yeah, we actually want to know about the chairs this time. Enough with this baseball bullshit. Tell us about your chairs, bro. You're on a fucking podcast. You must have had a lot to say about the chairs. I feel compelled to finish the sentence on baseball. Yeah, yeah. I go to see it. You ever catch one of the home runs or anything like that? Yes, I have. I've caught one of those home runs, but at a minor league game. Oh. So it was soft.

Oh, it was a softball. It was lofted up high by a weak player. Single A. Yeah, probably drug free. That's probably what it was. Some non-steroid guy. Still, that's got to feel good, though. I mean, catching the ball. So satisfying. I was in the bleachers by myself. The home run gets hit. By yourself. No other fans in the stands? I was depressed. I went just to get my mind off things. I sat there in the bleachers.

This single A guy comes up. This guy looks like he's not even going to be in single A for more than like half an inning. Hits it right on the screws. Oh, my God. You can see his face light up. It sails up into the bleachers. I'm there by myself reading a book. Happened to look up. Which book? Wait, which book were you reading? Heidi. Heidi.

Heidi. Yes. About the Swiss girl. Swiss girl, Shirley Temple. So you went to a baseball game to read a book. Isn't that ironic? He was depressed. Shit happens. I was depressed. I was just trying to get out of my head. It manifests in different ways in different people. Gino, thank you. That is so empathetic of you. My therapist says that's why I'm so depressed. You go to therapy? I

Well, he's not my therapist, but he's a therapist that I can hear because he works from home upstairs. Oh, so you listen to somebody else's therapy. I listen to somebody else's therapy. Do your problems apply to their advice? No, no one has the same problems as me. Weird.

I relate to this because I read other people's horoscopes and I take bad advice. I like that. I like this. Aries get good ones. Maybe your parents didn't tell you when you were born exactly. Maybe you're like a month off or something like that. That's true. Maybe I was lied to. Maybe you weren't switched at birth or something like that. That's why you like chairs. Downtown Cleveland, one month earlier than you thought. No, fuck Parma. Who knows what's a lie? Yeah. Yeah, I think lying is sort of the worst thing you could do.

Oh, thank you. Why are your eyes shifting back and forth? I just wanted to say that. I don't know why. Weird. When did you get a cape? Cape? No, you're holding it up over the bottom. I've always had a cape. He's a cape guy. I've always had a cape. Okay. Yeah. It's interesting. It's ironic because the movie Heidi interrupted that football game back during the 70s. And then in a different sports game, I'm interrupting it with Heidi. Yeah, with a fly ball that you end up catching the whole run. Yeah, the game interrupted Heidi. A real dinger. Did he get called up to the show or what?

He never made it. He never made it to the big leagues. That's the guy who killed himself from the Northern Ohio Water Dogs? Yes. The guy who blew his head off. I guess that was the high point of his life, and then he... I had read something about how the guy who caught the ball wouldn't throw it back to him. Yeah, it was a barman situation. I'm right here. He came out... He came out...

Oh, that's you. Oh, okay. I was the only one of the bleachers. He came up to me right after the game. It's very nice. He's like, hey, I've never done that before. It's kind of big. My kid was watching. Would you mind if I had the ball? I said, no way. This is the only good thing that's happened to me in a while. What was going on with you? It's fan protocol. When you catch the ball, you can keep it. Unless it's the opposing team.

Yeah, and you throw it back, but that's your prerogative. Was he on the opposing team? He was on the opposing team. He was like, just throw it back. So everyone was pissed. Execute your fan-given right to throw it back. What was going on with you that nothing good had happened to you? I just lost a ton of money at a carnival. Wait, one day? Yes! I thought you were about to circle back to your business. Wait, this isn't about a carnival? This doesn't have anything to do with that carny worker in northern Ohio who killed himself. Yes. Earlier that day, I had gone to a carnival.

bet on the Ferris wheel, which you normally can't do. They don't let you do that anymore. They don't let you do it, but I sweet talked him. I was like, I got a good feeling about it. What was the bet? Which one would come in first? First? It's a circle. It's a bad idea. Yeah, but I said, I got a good feeling about blue five, and so I put a ton of money down on blue five. All these side bets started forming.

What were the side bets like? Is this guy insane? I've seen this happen. Is he going to get committed? Will someone commit suicide? Will they force him to pay when this bet doesn't work because they feel so bad? They let him go.

We do need to get to our next guest. He is a film reviewer. This is very exciting because I love the art of film, and he is a guy who reviews them. Please welcome Zuby Condorino. Hey, Scott, it's fantastic to be here on your audio podcast. Zuby Condorino, so...

So great to meet you. It's great to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I don't know why these guys are laughing, but I... My name is a little unique and people sometimes find it particularly

entertaining. Both parts of it, Zuby and Condorino. Zuby Condorino. Your name kind of sounds like what John Lennon said when he flew away. Yeah, he did. Yeah, it's kind of a thing that I'm sort of into these days. We don't have time to catch you up on how John Lennon is alive and here and all that. I've listened to the show before. I'm pretty...

Pretty versed in what's going on here in the CBB universe. Okay. All right. Fantastic. Well, Zuby, you're a film reviewer. That's right. I review films. How interesting. Yeah. Yeah, that's what a film reviewer does. That's right. You review films. I do not critique them. I simply review them. What does that mean? You don't critique them? Meaning you don't offer any sort of criticism about them?

What do you do? I don't do any type of scholarly critique at all. Okay, you're more of a man of the people is what I'm getting from your accent. I'll tell you what movie you open the paper. I'll tell you what movie to see this weekend. Oh, okay, and that's because of the quality of it or? Because of what sort of struck me with the film. Oh, okay. Well, do you have an example? I mean, we have a lot of films coming out this month. Sure I do, Scott. Okay, Fast and the Furious 9. Fast and the Furious 9. I saw this in theaters. Mask off.

Now. Okay. Good background info. All right. Can I take a second to swallow some spit in my throat while I have to be talking constantly on this podcast? Take a moment. Go ahead. Thank you. I would say swallow the spit before you start talking. Yeah. Do it before you're introduced. You do things your way, Gino. I'll do things my way.

So, Fast and the Furious 9. Visually, this is one of the most exquisite designed and executed films of the modern era. One thing I didn't appreciate is the last scene of the movie. Oh, I don't know that we want to know the... Whose idea was it to have all the Fast and Furious folks, people we've grown up with in the series and love... Sure, Dom. ...talk in German accents for the whole final scene?

Whoever made that decision, I'd like to find them, bear hug them, and twist their neck off their body. Okay. That would really upset you. I've got a lot of questions here. Yeah.

I got a package of Oreos. You guys had Oreo cookies. Yes. Yes. You had the cream in the inside. Uh-huh. They're great cookies. Visually, the packaging is exquisite. Sure, of course. One of the most exquisite designs and execution of a cookie package we had.

I actually don't think the Oreo cookie package is anything remarkable. I think like Pepperidge Farm has a more remarkable packaging because it's like a square thing that's... Your name again? My name is Andy Manders. Andy, I would... Don't worry, he's not coming back. I would implore you. This is the only time you'll see me, so... I think it's the only time we'll see both of you.

So we don't really need to keep track of a lot. This is a retirement party for Andy Manders and Zuby Condorino. No, call me Andy for this conversation. I'm coming back. Andy and Zuby, I don't think that's true at all. I think you guys have a way to keep playing in this game. What? Just trust me. Just stick with the plan.

Well, let's get to it. I mean, it's time for the final vote. That's how every episode of Comedy Bang Bang ends. Comedy Bang Bang ends. Yeah, usually we don't do it on mic, but I thought the listener might be interested to hear who we vote off this time. So, all right. So, I guess we need to do a public vote. So, why don't we start with Zuby Condorino, who... I vote for that bleeding...

Rock and roll guitarist over there To never be on the show again John Lennon never to be on the show again John Lennon never come on this show again I'd like to see that happen Huge stakes That's huge Good to know Alright Andy Manders Stick with the plan I would like to cast my vote That Sprague the Whisperer never comes back Oh my god Okay this is I'm scrambling now Gino I'm scrambling Gino who are you voting for Here we go

I would like to cast my vote. Here we go. Alliances were formed. Freaking out. Drama was had. We saw some exquisite visual spectacles. They were exquisite.

But I'm going to have to vote Gino Lombardo off. With yourself? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Wait, can you vote for yourself? I think you can. Yes, you can? Yeah, I think so. Andy, you could have voted for yourself. I should have. All right, John Lennon, who are you voting for? Get out of the tube. Who do we got? Well, I'm feeling much better. No one asked. Just vote. You didn't think that was me. I vote for the chair guy. No.

No chair guy. Totally fair, yeah. All right, so we have one for the chair guy, one for John Lennon, one for Sprague, and one for Gino. Okay. And I have the final vote. Oh, well, what about my vote? Oh, sorry. I thought you were Jeff, but okay, yeah, what's your vote? Oh, well, I think...

I think you were trying to get my alliance. I think yours is a little fuzzy. That's true. Maybe you should have a vote. Look, I got to vote for Zuby Condorita. It just makes sense. That's fair. That's fair. Wait. John agrees. That's fair, John. That's fair, John. I'm going to call you John now. Wait.

Okay, so right now, every person has a vote, except for me. Every person has a vote, and I'm the final vote. Except for Scott, you're the final vote. I, of course, had all the power all along. What? I played an incredible game. And, of course, I have to vote for Sprague. I mean, oh, he said Sprague! Wait, you're all asleep, you're all asleep, you're all asleep. Tis I, Morpheus, the dream lord. Was that a dream? Oh, I changed my vote.

Yeah, I'm changing that one. Oh, for Morpheus? Yeah. Wait, what? No. I changed it from one to two. No, no, no, wait, no. Yeah, okay. It's the only one I bring back. Morpheus, you're out. No, what? No, no, no. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. Number six. Yep, yep, yep. Yep. So, Zuby Condorino. I know, I know, it's serious. Okay, so...

You know, Sean came in with the whole Survivor angle because I think he started watching Survivor recently or something. That seems to be happening to a lot of people. Yeah. I've heard that from many people that I know. From a few people, yeah. It became like some sort of pandemic thing. But he surprised us all with the angle of like voting each other off. And then –

At the end of the episode, you just heard it, we voted off Morpheus, which is the only recurring character that Will has... No, he's done the... He did the doctor guy a few times, but it's his most known recurring character. And he got voted off and Will...

Took it so seriously that he has never, he had not done it since then. He was like, no, he was voted off. I've asked him if he's like, oh, you're not going to do more. He's like, no, he was voted off. So he's taken it seriously. And Sean felt so bad about it that he asked him to be on the Speed Force Thanksgiving special. I was just going to say, yeah, okay. As the alternate universes Morpheus in order to bring him back in so that Will could play him again. Right.

And so he's back in continuity, which Will took it very seriously. Wow. And of course, Zuby Condorino was there. And John Lennon. But such a fun show to do. And we all like, we walked out of it just tingling like, whoa, that was fun. I have a little group chat in our neighborhood where,

Um, uh, we happen to be friends with a bunch of people that, that either we moved to the neighborhood that they already lived in or other friends of ours moved into this neighborhood after we had lived there. And so we, uh, we chat a lot and we see each other for this and that occasionally. And when we were getting the vaccines, um,

We made a chart of when everybody was getting their vaccine and when they would be in the clear. And then we had a party at our house and we – like the energy level was at 100 and it never dipped. It was like we were on drugs. Right. We were so happy to be – like everyone was talking so loudly. Yeah. It was great. But that feeling of being –

feeling being normal again with other people was like indescribable. Yeah, it really was. And so that, that's what you were hearing. And I'm glad that one ended up so high on the countdown.

All right. We need to take a break. We need to. When we come back, we are going to hear your choice for number five, and then we'll hear your choice for number four. We're getting so high up on this countdown. It is. I mean, these are good clips. Don't forget, we will play the snowman game and we will sign off with Jerry Springer sign off. That's right. The most exciting moments in podcast plus Jerry Springer sign off all coming up. You don't want to miss this. We'll be right back with more comedy. I'm going after this.

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We're cracking the top five, Paul. I mean, Scott, I feel like this was inevitable. Does it get any higher than this? Does it get any higher than cracking the top five? I don't think so. Cracking the top three? Oh, yeah. Top four, who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? But top three, that's big. Anyway, let's do it. This is your choice for number five. Number five. Okay. Number five, Paul. Yeah, I know.

Number five. Guess what? Johnny Five is alive. What number episode do you think this would be? 1010. Close. 1009. Even closer. Nine. Dead on the money. No, it's episode 686. 686, fun to say. We're back in the 600s. Would this surprise you to learn it was from the year 2020? Yeah.

I'd be fucking freaked out. You would, wouldn't you? But that is exactly what I'm about to say. It's from 2020. But we're counting down the best episodes of the year. I know, but if you'll recall, the best of- The most famous reindeer of all? Yes. No, the best of period because of the way voting works and how I need to pull all the clips. It's from Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving.

So the last few episodes of 2020 were eligible, and this is one that made the cut. I can't believe I missed this. Yeah. Wait, you missed what? I missed this loophole! How would you have exploited it? Loophole!

This is from December 14th, 2020. So what episode do you think it is? I think it's the Holiday Extravaganza. Yes, you are right. It's the 2020 Holiday Spectacular. Can I let you know who's on this show? Yeah, I wish you would. Jason Manzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, John Gabrus, Lauren Lapkus, her final appearance. Her final Comedy Bang Bang appearance. And in her final Comedy Bang Bang appearance, Lauren Lapkus.

Eggo Wodum. Eggo. Carl Tartt. Carl. Lily Sullivan. Can I give a special shout out to Lily Sullivan? Now is when you can do it. Okay. I did it. Great. Tim Baltz. Tim Baltz. Sean Diston. Sean Diston. Dan Lippert. Danny the Lips. Stacked. Yeah, everyone had great tits. Man, those bazongas on every single one. Those jugs.

This was another Zoom episode. Jugs is so funny. Jugs. Jugs. Hey, Jugs. Well, that's not funny. Huh? The way I said it? This was a Zoom episode. This was...

You know, in the middle, I mean, still in the mid. Oh, yeah. We were feeling it. We were feeling it. This is when people were really bummed out, I think. This was a very depressing time for us in our household. I'll tell you that much. It was a real drag. I mean, everyone, it was the holidays. No one had seen each other in a few months. I think, you know, people had maybe expectations of the holidays and maybe this will be over by then. It was not. This was kind of around the time where you were feeling like, oh, this is forever. Yes. This is just life now.

Yes. And yet, this many people being on this episode and showing up and having a good time was a little beacon of joy in the midst of all of that happening for us. We hope it was for you. Obviously, this is such a long episode. I think it was a two and a half hour long episode or something like this. We can't play all of it. We're actually going to play...

Just the clip. We're going to play just the clip. Oh, we're not going to play the whole episode? No, we're not. Was that ever on the table? Yeah, why not? What if we just played every episode back to back? Okay, this is just the clip where Jason and I are talking to a man by the name of Santa Claus. Okay.

And Santa, even the depression of the pandemic has even hit Santa Claus. I sort of remember what the bit was. And you'll hear a little bit about it. Let's hear it. This is what you chose to be your number five. Number five. He's been on the show a few times. He's one of, if I don't mind saying, and I don't believe I mind saying this, he is one of our more combative guests, at least to me. Uh,

Please welcome to the show, though, he is the King of Christmas. He is the Deacon of December 25th. Please welcome to the show, Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh, wow. Coming in very low energy, Santa. Hi, Scott. Hi, Jason. Coming in freezing cold. Ice cold. Yeah. Hi, guys. What? Santa, you... You okay? You all right? No, I'm fine. I'm fine. You know, good health, all that. I'm just...

I have an announcement that I have to make. Oh, my God. It's kind of embarrassing. Okay. Go right ahead. Yeah, please. Do you need us to set you up at all? How would you do that? I don't know. Do you need a podium? Should we call the press corps? No, that's fine. I guess some other special introduction? Ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully this will get picked up by the AP or something. I don't know. Okay.

I hope it's nothing too, like, life-threatening or anything because we're a week out from Christmas. No, no, it's not life-threatening. It's not. Everything's fine. I just, you know, health-wise, I just, I have to tell everyone, and this is really hard for me to say, and, you know, I know it's going to make people mad. I didn't do anything this year.

What do you mean? Well, you know, with the pandemic and it seemed like there was a lot of talk about canceling holidays. And so I thought, oh, OK, I guess we're not we don't need to do this this year. And so I am just flat out.

I don't have anything. I don't have anything. Meaning you didn't make any of the toys? You gambled that Christmas wasn't going to happen, so are fully unprepared? I didn't. Okay, now, hold on. In my defense, I don't think I gambled. It was that a lot of people were saying that they were canceling these holidays. Who are these people? As Jerry Seinfeld said. It's just the talk. You know, they're government officials. On the talk? Yeah.

Yeah, I saw it on the talk. Melissa Gilbert told you this? Sarah Gilbert? Sorry, I'm a bit of a talk super fan. Are the Gilbert girls, are they related and should they do a show called The Gilbert Girls? I was just going to say, are Melissa Gilbert and Sarah Gilbert related? Yes, everyone named Gilbert is related. Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert Gottfried, yes. A Philbert nut is a cousin? No.

So I'll just move past that. So Santa, usually you start making the toys. You give yourself one day off. I know that. December 26th, where you sit in a hot tub. Oh, God, I love that hot tub. That was the best investment I ever made.

It's an above-ground hot tub as well, right? I love it. It's an above-ground hot tub. Yeah, it's way above ground. I have to climb a ladder to get into it. It's about, I would say it's like 16 feet. Oh, wow. 16 feet up. Yeah. Is it 16 feet deep? Yes, it is. Oh, wow. That's crazy.

You could drown in that. So I'm holding onto the sides for dear life, but I'm very buoyant. It's more like a plunge hot tub. Well, it's a saltwater hot tub, so I float. But also, it gives me a lot of privacy because no one can see me, and I could just be hanging out there. And look, I'm the kind of guy who wears a T-shirt to the pool, so...

You know, to be able to really just be myself, let it all hang out, you know, in this 16-foot-high hot tub. In the North Pole, where no one is. Yeah. But let me tell you, you have the, well, there's the elves. Oh, the elves. You must have to climb, like, a water slide level ladder to get into the tub. It's pretty high. It's pretty high. Yeah. But it's safe. It's not like Action Park or some shit. Like, I really worked it all out. No, no, no. I wouldn't think it was. I'm sure. I'm sure it's very safe. But that seems excessive. Yeah. Yeah.

So what about like an elevator or one of those? You know how if you have older parents, that seems decadent. That's a little seat that kind of the motorized seat. Hey, who's older than me? And I'm not using one of those. You know what I mean? I remember we used to have family friends when I was a kid. And when we would go to their house, they had one of those seats that would go up the stairs.

Alone or in pairs? To bring the grandmother up the stairs, and we would always ride it like it was a ride. Did anybody catch my Slinky reference? Yeah, I did. It was great. I mean, you're the guy who makes them. Of course that's a reference that you would make. Yeah, I just need to get it acknowledged.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, listen, toys are some of my favorite stuff. I just am so sad right now to realize many children will not be receiving them for Christmas. Yeah, what I was going to say is you usually start back up again. You ramp up production December 27th. Oh, I guess we're talking about that again now? Yeah. So, I mean, you don't have any toys that you made from December 27th through March 15th or so? I don't like to allow this much of a peek behind the curtain, but here's what happens.

We don't really start a production again until March. What? Whoa. What are you doing between December 27th and March? That's a big break. I'll tell you exactly what I'm doing is I'm giving kids a grace period.

So that for January and February, nothing counts towards naughty and nice. So you're not even, so not only are you not manufacturing, you're not even checking in? You're not no peeking? No, it's very. You're telling me it's a no peeking? It's very, it's very loose. It's not as strict as we are throughout the rest of the year. Obviously, we check in to see if any kids are like a bad seed murderer or something. They're not getting, they're getting cold for sure. What are you, are you just checking the papers or the police blotter? How are you checking on that?

I checked the papers. Check the papers. Where are you, Santa, on clean coal? No such thing. Fair. It's coal. It's filthy as hell. Yeah, okay. Good. Good to know. Yeah, it's dirty. So kids can do whatever they want? I mean, this is just going to be pandemonium. Within reason. It's not like The Purge. By the way, the next Purge movie is a kid Purge.

Really? It's a preteen. It's a YA purge. It's a kid purge. Oh, okay. I'm into that. I would watch that. Is it set on that reality show where the kids took over a Western town? Yes. Yes. What was it? Utopia? No, that's not it. I don't believe it was called Utopia. It's not called Utopia. I can't remember what it was called, but yes. Lord of the Horseflies? Yes.

So, so you've done nothing. This is going to be such a blow to children all over the world. Yeah. I mean, it's, uh, well not, I mean, you know, there are, there are kids in, uh,

I would say we got in a week's worth of production before the lockdown. Okay. And it just... I've been around a few pandemics in my day, and this just seemed like... I kind of saw the writing on the wall that people are going to fuck this up, and there's no way it's going to be over before Christmas. And sure enough, I was right. And so all this time, I was thinking...

Well, I made the right call. I made the right call. And I got to tell you, I reconnected with my wife in a way that I haven't since we were first married. Oh, wow. I got to know the elves in a way that I haven't before. Which way is that? As friends. Oh, that's very lovely. What did you think I meant? I had no idea. You had no idea.

Boy, oh boy. You know, I come on this show and I'm coming ermine trimmed, hat in hand, to give this very embarrassing announcement. You're breaking the news on this show, much like Todd Glass broke his news on WTF. That's right. This is an exclusive.

And then I get this same old bullshit from the host. You know what I mean? I apologize. I just, you know, I mean. Do you mean it? Do you mean it? I guess all I'm saying is, is you've known those elves for thousands of years at this point. What else is there to get to know about them?

I get to know them as individuals as opposed to a boss-worker relationship. So you laid them off? Did you go through an undercover box? What are you talking about? Yeah, Jason, I did an undercover box where I disguised myself as a gigantic elf. Did you do it like Dorf? I could see it happening. I stood on my own boots. I kneeled on my own boots. Dorf in the North?

Dorf in the North, that's right. Whatever that means. Now we're just free associates. I'm on. I'm into it. This is what it always devolves into on this show. I know. I'm sorry, Santa. I forgot your name for a second. So what's your plan? Oh, you're laughing again. That made me laugh. Oh, the bowl full of jelly is back. The idea that, okay.

I don't mean to comment on your weight. Yeah, you did, though. Well, it's a famous poem. Yeah. Everyone likes to use that excuse. Like I wrote it. Who wrote it again? I remember a podcast. I heard a podcast. Clement Clark Moore, the notorious slave owner. That's right. That was a good show. Yes.

Well, Santa, this is terrible. I mean, Christmas Day is going to be a national day of mourning. We made about, in that week in March, we made about, I'm going to say, 75 toys. Oh, okay. We're going to go to the very top of the nice list.

And see who deserves it. But after that. Wait, is the nice list in order of nicest to worst, really? Well, yes. Not only naughty and nice, but we also quantify how nice and how naughty everyone is. Wow. So who gets the top score and what is the percentage? I would imagine Jesus Christ, the year that he was around, he was 100% nice.

Other than that moneylenders thing. Well, and he also cursed that fig tree. That's true. So he got a 99.96 maybe. That was wild. I mean, talk about hangry. Quite a lot of your job, Santa, it sounds like it's a lot of statistical analysis.

Oh, absolutely. I mean, every look, it's, it's a vast operation. Everyone's got their responsibilities and, uh, myself, Mrs. Claus, and a few trusted associates. We are the ones that are going through and quantifying the niceness and the naughtiness. And it's, it's, uh, we've got it down to a science. It's, it's pretty easy, um, at this point, but, um, but yeah, only 75, only 75. Who are the top 75 this year? Can you announce, uh, any of them? Yeah. Uh,

Anybody you're excited to give some of these gifts to? Anybody that you're like, ah, these kids really deserve it. Like a Greta Thunberg. Greta Thunberg. Yes, she gets one.

She's going to get an Easy-Bake Oven. Oh, really? Something that heats up? I don't think you should give her something that heats. Malala, of course. She's out there. She's going to get one of those Barbie heads where the hair grows. Oh.

Turn the crank and the hair comes out. Okay. So all of the 75 toys you built, two of them seem to be from the 1970s. Yes, that's correct. Okay.

Well, here's the thing. There's some weird kids that get into weird stuff. Retro toys. You start making those first. Yes. We start making those first because we don't have to make a lot of them. And it's like, this will be fun. Let's get this out. Start off with something fun. You know, future gay kids. They love this kind of stuff. Sure. It's sketchy stuff. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a lot. And look, look, just so everyone knows.

Of course, I'm embarrassed. I'm mortified. I should have just, honestly, at the very least, I should have kept in production because even if Christmas was completely canceled, I would have had to jump on next year.

But that would have been hard. Yeah, it's very hard during covid to to motivate yourself, I would imagine. Can I ask you? Can I ask you this, Santa? Is there any part of you that thinks like, oh, at the very least, you should try and deliver gifts? Maybe you could buy a lot like I mean, I know I stuff or there's like I've been buying stuff like on Amazon. I've been buying stuff, you know, rather than make. First of all, first of all, first of all.

There's no fucking way Santa ever re-gifts. Okay, let's get that out of the equation. I'm not looking around my cottage in the North Pole saying, uh, uh, uh, uh. That's not what I do. What do you do with all your old crap? Do you donate it? I donate a lot of stuff, yeah. Okay, great. I do donate a lot of stuff. Like if you get a gift bag with a throw blanket, what do you do with it? Sometimes those blankets are nice. What about moisturizer that you're allergic to?

Well, that I see if anyone likes it. I wouldn't wrap it as a gift, but I would like... You're playing fast and loose with the re-gifting. A re-gift is when you take something that's in your home, you wrap it up like you bought it, and then you give it to someone. But just going up to someone saying, do you like this? Is this something that you would use? But do you do this on Christmas? No, I don't do it. No, on Christmas...

Jesus. Do you have any concept of what my Christmas is like? Well, you're done by Christmas. What is it like? Well, I have to go all the way the fuck back home to the North Pole. How long does that take you? How long does that take? Here's the thing. You can get everywhere in one night. That's in one night I can do that.

But then the journey back to the North Pole is in real time. Oh, no. Because by midnight on Christmas Eve. No one ever talks about that, do they? No one talks about that. Clement Clark Moore, you slave-holding son of a bitch. Do you have to travel commercial back to the North Pole? No, I have to travel with a goddamn sleigh with a rainbow. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. And we can't fly. We have to. It's...

It's land-based travel? Just over the hills and through the woods. Oh, that last leg, it's like fucking Fitzcarraldo, I'll tell you. To try to get that... Get that boat over that mountain. Boy, oh boy. It's a real drag. It's a real drag, guys. And my understanding is Werner Herzog's trying to do a documentary about that exact trip. Yeah, you know, I'm...

I'm open to it, but I don't. Are you in talks with him? We've talked, we've talked about it on and off for years. And I, I feel like the time is not yet right, but eventually I will. I would like to do that. Especially now that, that Prancer has been replaced by Klaus Kinski in the, in the reindeer lineup. That's right. That's right. He had nothing else to do. What happened to Prancer? Prancer's just taking it easy. You know, he broke, he broke his leg. I didn't want to shoot him.

Oh, okay. Oh, you didn't want to. I didn't want to shoot him. He's a good guy. He's family. He's a good guy. And, you know, I don't know what it is with these creatures. Anything that's got like a great big body and then those spindly little legs, like what is that design? You know what I mean? Do you have a rifle just in case you do need to put one of them down? I have a rifle in case anyone breaches the North Pole.

Wow. So you are armed. You are a are you a Second Amendment rights supporter? I'm not an absolutist, but I do believe in protecting my home and and of course, protecting the mystique of of Santa Claus and my legend of the North Pole. Of course, I bet this is obviously what I'm doing now. Can I ask you, is the North Pole a stand your ground state?

I mean, it's just us up there, so. Yeah, I guess that's kind of. You make your own rules, right? We make our own rules. I mean, it's so, we haven't had anyone try to break in in a really long time. When was it? Yeah, when was the last time? D.B. Cooper. Oh, is that what happened to him? His parachute, it caught some wind and he drifted all the way to the North Pole. Wow. Did he have his suitcase full of money with him? Yes, he did. Tried to buy his way out, but we had to put him down. Oh, no.

Number five. Ah, yes. Good times, great oldies. And that's just the beginning of the, that's the first 17 minutes of the episode. Tip of the episode, Berg. Just the clip.

Um, we... I know you meant that dirty. I did. It was interesting because then Lauren came on as Ho-Ho, who is Santa's... Naughty elf. Naughty elf. And she had not heard the beginning part of the episode. And she came in with the exact same thing of her being depressed. And it seemed like every character was coming on with, oh, I've been depressed this year. How interesting. Yes, it even hits us. Even us, characters. Yeah.

I mean, so many great, I mean, you got Chino came on. Eggo was playing the kid who saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. The chief, Carl was playing chief. Great. Listen to the whole episode. It's fun. That was a good time. It was a good time. And I'm glad that people thought so well of it.

Because I'm sure they were going through the same things we were going through. And it's hopefully we provided a little bit of solace. A salve. I hope we provided a quantum of solace for people. It's hard to quantify, but perhaps a quantum work. Can we give you even a quantum of solace? What the fuck is going on with that title?

Like, was it a title that Ian Fleming used originally? I don't know. I don't know. What am I, Matt Gourley? I have no fucking clue. You ever want to be Matt Gourley? Sometimes. I wish I was Matt Gourley. Sometimes I want to impersonate him. He's got it all. All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have your choice for number four. And I'm not even going to say that's all that's coming up because we also have the snowman game. That's right. Plus.

We'll be signing off with Jerry Springer's sign-off. And we'll know if Jerry Springer is still on the air or not. We'll figure all of that out. Yes. Ooh, you do not want to miss this. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Are you catching the big game?

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Comedy bang bang, we're back. Comedy bang bang. And we talked about it before, we're going to crack the top four, who gives a shit. Yeah. Hey, wake me when we crack the top three. I will. Are you going to sleep, really? Yeah, I got to sleep. I'm tired. Well, it is four in the morning. We've been doing this all night. Holy shit. This show, Jerry Springer. We have breaking Jerry Springer news. 28 seasons. God. God.

Started in 1991. God. Final episode, 2018. God. Where's your God now? How much money do you think that nets Jerry Springer? A huge amount of money. Let's say he gets paid. I mean, if he gets paid like $100 an episode, that's a lot of money. $100 a year. Let's just assume that. Okay. 28 times 100? He does 100 episodes a year. He gets a dollar each. Dude's fucking rich.

Okay. Okay. I'm lost in the conversation of what we were talking about just mere seconds ago. Let's start a new one right now. Okay. Hi, I'm Scott. I'm Paul. It's me. What do you do? This. Oh, no. We're back. We're back in it.

Okay. We were talking about Jerry Springer. He's rich. Yeah. Good for him. Good for him. If anyone were to be, I'm glad it's him. I saw Jerry Springer at the opera in London. In the opera or at the opera? There was a show called Jerry Springer at the opera. Oh, I see. I see. I thought you were saying you saw him at the opera. How was it?

This is fine. Okay. Moving on. Let's get to it. This is your episode four. Number four. Okay. Four. Now look, who gives a shit about number four, right? Who gives a shit? We're going to listen to it. We're going to listen to it. We're going to talk about it. We're going to talk about it. But whoa. Oh my God. Oh, Maro and that number three. Oh my God. By the way, yeah, episode four, we're going to hear this clip, but we have the snowman game coming up and signing off with Jerry Springer's full sign off. His full sign off.

This is number four. Okay, so this is episode 700. On the nosy? On the nosy from April 5, 2021. What do you think this episode is? I got to assume...

It's got Jason Manzoukas and Andy Daly. That is exactly it. You got it in one. I got it in one. I got to assume, and I got it in one. This is – we traditionally have had – I think ever since 200, we've had Andy Daly and Jason Manzoukas on. I think it was coincidental on the 200 one. And then it became a thing? And then it became a thing where we were like, let's do this on the 100s. Now I think we do them on the 50s as well.

Um, why don't I just do it every episode? Fuck all of you guys. I'm out of here. He, you're on some of them for now, but what about when he started deciding to do on the 25s? I know. Um,

So this, yeah, so Andy and Jason are traditionally on the 100th episodes. Tradition. The episode before we break off another hundo. Yeah. And... Because some people will think that's breaking off a hundo. It's not. No, no, no. That's concluding. That's wrapping up a hundo. Exactly. You're breaking off a fresh hundo. You get into like a 701. Exactly. Exactly. So this Jason Manzoukas obviously is himself. And then Andy...

is returning as Byron Denniston, who we heard from before. Now, we heard an episode that happens after this one earlier on the countdown. So this is a little Pulp Fiction, you know, out of time kind of non-chronological. Yes, like all entertainment is now. Yes, because everyone thought like, oh, that's a way to seem smart. Yeah. How do we stretch the story out? Keep flashing back to things. Do you think Jason is being himself though truly?

Well, as we all know, he is played by an actor. Jeffrey Character Wheaties, yes. Yes. So that's – I mean we talked about that I think on – Jeffrey came on one episode as himself. Oh, weird. But he always – he usually does this character, Jason Manzoukas. Yeah. Yeah.

And this one was earlier in the episode. Andy is playing Byron Denniston, the Royal Watcher. Earlier in the episode, some things I have to set up. We talked about how he had been, over the past few months, impersonating Prince Philip. Right. And he had been collecting eyeballs because he'd been looking through the paintings of

with his own eyeballs to stare at all the royals. And when you leave the painting, you can't replace it with painting eyeballs because everyone would be able to tell that. So you need to replace them with human eyeballs. So he'd been getting human eyeballs from corpses and replacing them. So it comes up in the clip. So I feel like.

And then he teased plan one, which is a thing that we talk about in this, I believe. Okay, so let's hear it. This is what you chose to be number four. Number four. So Byron-

Hit us with this explosive news. What is going on with the royals? Well, all right. Here we go. As you know, that American Meghan Markle and the poor man that she's led astray, Prince Harry. Meghan Markle from Suits. Yes. Yes. The woman from Suits. The Suits princess. They gave an interview and...

absolutely infuriated the royal family, absolutely disgusted and infuriated. And they are very angry with the entire public for everything that they're reading about themselves and furious. And so they have, I have now learned ever since I've been sort of posing as Prince Philip in Buckingham Palace, they've begun talking about infuriating

instituting plan one. And this is something they've been talking about all the time. Plan one, plan one, plan one. And I have finally determined what precisely plan one is. Wow. And it is going to absolutely change all of your lives, uh,

Starting now. Are you ready? And they've been saying they're going to put this into action at some time. Has there been conversations of like, should we really do plan one? And people debating it. There's been a lot of that. And there's been a lot of phone calls and meetings and Zoom calls and whatnot. How did they start plan one? Is it like a double key situation where two people are 20 feet apart and they have to simultaneously turn two keys or...

Plan one will, everyone has to converge upon the Netherlands as step one of plan one. Oh my gosh. Wait, everyone- That's plan one A. Everyone in the royal family or everyone in the world? Allow me to explain. Please, please, please continue. All of the royalty of Europe-

That means absolutely everyone who is titled throughout Europe is going to converge upon the city hall in Alphen-Onden-Rhein, which is a building that looks like a spaceship and is a spaceship, gentlemen. Whoa, it looks like one and is one? And it is one. The city hall in Alphen-Onden-Rhein.

Alf and Andenrein. Because, you know, you're talking City Hall. At City Walk, there's a big spaceship that crashed into one of the restaurants there. Really? That's not a real spaceship. Oh. This is a real one. This is a real one. Shall I share my screen with you gentlemen and show you the place? Please, yeah. Or are you looking at it yourself? I Googled it, but please share it because I'm not finding a very good picture. Share it with all of our listeners, too. So if you're listening to this podcast right now, you'll suddenly share a screen with us. Oh, wow.

Yes. Wow, that looks like a Disney Hall-ass building or something. That does. That looks like the ship that the Mandalorian uses. It truly does, yeah. Or the Mandolinian, depending on who you are. What's that dude who had the mandolin from movies? From movies? Yeah, there was a guy who had a mandolin in a movie.

Captain Corelli? Captain Corelli, that's the guy. Is that right? Captain Corelli's mandolin. Captain Corelli's mandolin, yes. Dude loved his mandolin. He did. This is right here. Wow. This is the spaceship that will be taking all the royals, and as it blasts off into the heavens, it will fire, uh,

Several nuclear weapons, which will destroy the entire planet of Earth. Whoa! Only the royals will get away. Only the royals will survive. Yes, indeed. Do they get plus ones? Yes, absolutely. They can bring whoever they want. And that is why... Well, here, these are some of the people who'll be going along...

Oh, wow. King Philip VI of Spain. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden. Right. Yes. All of these. Yes, yes. And Philippe of Belgium. So many. All of the royals will go, but the rest of us will be left behind. And that is why, gentlemen, I...

Currently, I don't know exactly when they're doing it, but it's happening very soon. They're already talking about flight arrangements to the Netherlands. I'm going to... Oh, wait, they're already... I mean, if they're at that step, it's happening very, very soon. I think it's happening very soon. So will you be included as Philip? I will only be included. Oh, wait a minute. Yes, perhaps I will be included as Philip. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. I've been thinking that I need to marry a royal and I have a list of potentially available royals. But here I am. Wait, aren't you impersonating? I am impersonating. Did you forget that you were?

I did forget. I did forget. I could simply go as Philip. My God. It's the perfect plan. But not if you've wandered off today and suddenly they find Philip's body. Well, no. Oh, trust me. There's no finding Philip's body. There's no finding Philip's body. I mean, if you've gone too long, though, they may presume you dead and then you will have to marry one of the royals. Well,

listen, maybe I can pass this on to you because there are several eligible unmarried royals. Look, I want on this ship. It sounds like to me like it's a futuristic Noah's Ark kind of situation. So you would abandon Kulop to marry some royal just to get on a spaceship? Wow. Just to get on

a spaceship, not even taking off. Good to know. Yes. So who's out there available and are they on Raya? Well, number one, the number one choice. Are they on Riot? What's that? Raya, never mind. Look, I don't even know. Yeah. No, but it's Lady Amelia Windsor is probably the most desirable. As soon as this podcast drops, everyone is going to rush to

to try to marry Lady Amelia Windsor. Where is she from? She is from the UK. She was voted or named the most beautiful royal by Tatler magazine. The most beautiful UK royal or the most beautiful royal of any royal family? Because you're talking about royals from Spain, from all these other countries. Yeah, I mean, we could marry any royal from any other country.

Yes, yes, no. The Tatler magazine, which is a British tabloid, simply called her the most beautiful royal. Perhaps they weren't, speaking of the Brits. How old is she? 25 years old. I mean, I don't know if I could overcome the age difference, but I'd try. Well, she's very sophisticated. She's 39th in line to the British throne. Okay. And yes, she's out there. She's a model. She works for Dolce & Gabbana.

Whoa. Yes. I mean, this sounds perfect. Look, I mean, let's set it up. Can I ask you, Byron, are you yourself married? No, no. I myself have never managed to be married. So really, it's just going to be about if you follow through on this, extricating yourself from this family.

situation in order to plug yourself into being potentially married to this new younger woman. You know, the moment I heard this plan and I was dressed as Philip and in full Philip makeup, all I began thinking is I've got to marry a royal to get on that spaceship. Well, here's the deal. You don't want to be constantly putting on this makeup in space. I mean, what with the different air compression and quality and all that kind of stuff. Like it's so much easier if you just marry this hot 25 year old model. Also, you're not going to be able to

bring your team on the spaceship with you. Yeah, I mean, your makeup is just going to decompose out there in the pressurized compartments of space. So here's what you need to do. Yes. You're going to need to kill your Prince Philip. Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean? Well, I mean, you can't just disappear. He's going to have to have a very public death. You can't just disappear. They'll be looking for him. So you're going to have to present a death narrative for him so that you can then...

not have to participate in that anymore. So you can go ahead and woo the princess that we were discussing that I can't remember her name. Maybe you could be up there in full makeup at the top of Big Ben and then like throw a dummy off of it into the Thames and...

And then he's presumed drowned. Here's the thing. I don't think that's going to work. I think you're going to have to have your team one last time put you in the makeup. And you're going to have to take one of those drugs that makes your heart stop.

You're going to have to take one of those like Mission Impossible drugs that makes it appear as though you are dead. Also, if you're going to do this and you have a full makeup team and these, I'm presuming they're the best in the biz. Yes, they're wonderful. Why not outfit yourself with squibs, get some stunt people involved, get some movie prop guns and stuff and just have a big like heat style showdown

Scott and I are successful Hollywood screenwriters. We're not just a couple of jokers. We can script this in an afternoon. So it's a scenario where Prince Philip is perhaps robbing a bank and is... One last heist. Or if you want, you can flip it. Prince Philip...

Stops. Stops a bank robbery. He's a hero. He goes out a hero. In slow motion. Heavily armed bank robbers, covered head to toe in body armor, running out of a bank. You, as Prince Philip, come in and John Wick, TikTok Mr. Wick, John Wick your way through all of the bad guys. Yes. Rescue the day, but then there's one...

Bad guy gets one shot in and you go down. Yeah, we probably want to outfit the bank robbers in something unique. You know how in the town they're in like nuns uniforms and masks. Something unique like New York? Yeah, something like New York. But like, you know how in Baby Driver they have the Austin Powers mask. We want this to really stand out. And going in style, they have the Groucho Marx schnoz and mustache. Exactly. So we need something iconic. In Point Break, they've got the Reagan mask.

The president masks. Yeah, the president masks. We need something really iconic for this to really pop. And yeah, should we spitball some ideas here? I mean, you could have them all be like the various members of the Scooby-Doo gang. Yeah, okay. Like the bank robbers are a bunch of Velmas. We may run into licensing issues with that. We don't want that. But we're not producing anything.

Well, this is going to be, there's going to be fictional movies about it years and years down the line. Right. That's not our problem. They're going to have to, that's them. They're going to have to like. That's not our problem, but we have a, I mean, we're getting points on this as screenwriters. So you think we should choose something in public domain? Yeah.

Yeah, you know, like Robin Hood or a Christmas Carol. Everybody wears green hats? Ghost of Past, Ghost of Christmas Present, Ghost of Christmas Future. Everyone's dressed like that in Scrooge. It's the Scrooge gang. Sure, but also I don't like this. You got Ebenezer in his nightcap.

You got Jacob Marley with a bunch of chains. This is how bank robbers, heavily armored bank robbers are choosing to be, to dress up like the Scrooge gang. Well, in the town, they're nuns and they bring out guns from underneath their robes and stuff. But they're nuns with guns. I mean, that's fucking killer, man. That's true.

That's true. But listen, you don't have to worry about how this is going to appear to people in the future because all of Earth is soon to be destroyed, lads. I know, but I'm hoping we can get one of these projects off the ground before that happens. You'd have to move fast. I mean, I'm already wondering if there's time enough to do all this. Plus, I've got to woo a princess. Look, we're the fastest screenwriters in the biz. We can get this done. And the furiestest. We can get this done by the end of today. Let's put this into production tomorrow. Can you call your stunt people and...

You don't, we don't, you just, not your stunt people, your makeup team. Well, sure, but we need, I mean, you and I. We'll handle that. Yeah, we'll handle all the stunts. We'll handle that. Okay. You know, you just need to show up and we'll give you the script. We'll walk you through it. We'll block it quick. And then, because yeah. We'll block it on its feet. You need to prioritize. Right. You need to prioritize. Roll on rehearsal. I'm sure, yeah, definitely.

Yes, let's roll on rehearsal. Yes, exactly. And, you know, I mean, maybe we rent out the bank. You know, we'll need a location manager for that. Right. But we can work out all of this. And you have access to the Queen's Jewels, so we can pay for all of this. But, yeah, we're going to get you totally squibbed up. Like, how do you want to go? Oh, I just thought of something. Yeah, I just thought of something that could be great. Oh, whoa.

I just thought of something that could be so good because also it uses something that you're not going to for much longer have use for. What if you are robbing eyeballs?

robbing eyeballs? Or the robbers, rather. What if the robbers are robbing eyeballs? There's a safety deposit box in this bank filled with eyeballs. Filled with valuable eyeballs. Suddenly in the getaway, they trip and these bags of eyeballs just spill out all over the ground. So people are like flipping and sliding on the eyeballs. It's so cinematic.

Because they're frozen. They're frozen eyeballs. Yes. They roll. They roll all over the place. So it's like an Animal House marbles situation, but with eyeballs. Yes. But with eyeballs. Frozen solid eyeballs. And you've got the eyeballs. I certainly do. Because you've been collecting them for so long. Yes. And all of them blue. Yes. Yes. This is good. And then I'm presuming you wanted. It's the classic blue balls. Sure. The blue balls robbery. Sure.

The blue balls robbery done by the Scrooge gang. As it would come to be known if the entire planet would not be destroyed. Scrooge gang is making it in. Okay, we'll talk about this when we get to the final draft. But I'm presuming that you want to die with like a headshot so that the body will be on. And a resume. And you want to swap out a body. You want to do like a body switch. Okay.

Oh, I see what you're saying. But I am going to be, we'll need a real corpse is what Scott. Yeah. You'll need a corpse. You'll need a, you'll need a, a double for all of your makeup to put on the corpse. No, no, you want to, you want a corpse who, who can pass as Prince Albert, right? That's who we're talking about. Philip, sorry. I'm thinking of my can. Uh,

But Prince Philip, you want like an old guy who then you shoot in the head so that, you know, all the teeth are gone. You want to file off the fingerprints. I don't know whether you have a guy who can get you a body like that. Oh, yes, of course. Yes. That's no problem at all. I can get I can have three or four and we can choose. We can have we can we can audition five or six of them if we like. Who's this guy who can get you this kind of stuff? He's from America and he's probably the same guy that hooks him up with the eyeballs. Yes, that's right. Wait, does

he wear snakeskin pants? Oh, that's strange that you would guess that. How odd. Because I've never seen a doctor working in snakeskin before, so it is interesting. With a full snakeskin doctor's robe. Was it a robe or a coat? It's a coat. It's a coat, yeah. All of it. He had a snakeskin Doctor Strange cloak.

He's in snake skin gloves and snake skin hair protectorate on his head. A snake skin mask? Snake skin mask, of course. Incredible. This guy sounds like a really interesting guy. Well, I think this is a better plan for you, but do you have a plan then to sidle up to...

this, uh, this, this lady, Amelia, possibly I may, I may decide if time is really an issue to go, uh, simply go after princess Elizabeth of Thern and Texas, who is 39. Uh, she's 39. And, uh, that's not so bad. Right, right. Yes. She's, uh, well,

What is she's a member of Germany's nobility in Germany. Yes. OK, so you're marrying into German royalty. I mean, right. I mean, it's not as desirable, but it may simply be a bit easier. It might get you on the ship. And that's right. Once you're on the ship, that's what you need. Do you have a plan, though, for it? Because obviously this romance needs to happen quickly.

Yes. Do you have like a meet cute in mind? You know, like you're both walking down the street and you bump into each other or anything like that. I mean, you know, I mean, you have to have a plan in order to woo this woman. My only thought was to do an extraordinary amount of surveillance and then present myself as someone who is interested in all the things she's interested in. I mean,

You know, this is the plot to a lot of teenage rom-coms. Right. But Byron, I, I, I really, I hesitate to tell you this. I just Googled Lady Amelia Windsor. Yes. Yes. She is engaged to be married. Yeah. Engaged to be married. As of, as of last year, she is engaged to be married. No.

Oh, we got to take her off the table. You have to be kidding me. And this is, the source is, I hate to say it once again, the Tattlers. The Tattlers got this before you have it. That's extraordinary. And they've had it for a year. And you haven't heard about this.

Who tattled on it a year ago? It looks like less than a year. It looks like July 2020 is when this came out. I don't know when they got engaged, but this is when this article is. Oh, I spent most of the summer hiding in a crypt at Westminster Abbey. In the Prince Philip makeup? In case they found you? This was before I'd started dressing a scene, but I was hoping to...

I was hoping to overhear some bereavement. Oh, okay. So you didn't hear that news. Well, that's too bad. I mean, you got to scratch her off the list unless you can sort of get in there in like a rom-com situation where you're like, that guy's not right for you. What did they say about their fiancé? Hold on. Okay. Jason, by the way, is moving things around like Minority Report in front of these people.

Princess Diana's enhanced. Enhanced. Enhanced quadrant one. Enhanced. Facial recognition quadrant one. Enhanced. Enhanced.

This is a relative of Princess Diana's? Is this a dispenser? What? Princess Diana's glamorous niece is engaged to her longtime boyfriend, Greg Mallet. Greg? Greg Mallet. She can't marry Greg. No. It wouldn't do. It would have to at least be Gregory or something posh like that. You're a Byron. Guys, I have an update. Whoa.

Enhance. Okay, ready? Enhance. Enhance. 30-year-old mallet, parentheses, nicknamed Grizzle. What? Close parentheses. Grizzle? Is this guy hanging out with Kavanaugh? Who is this guy? Prince Grizzle? You are being...

We will not have a Prince Grizzle. You are being overlooked for a man who goes by the name Grizzle. You're being elbowed out by Grizzle? This is outrageous. Oh, man, the Grizz. This cannot happen. This will not stand. Not on my watch. No. The Grizz. The Grizz. That's the update? That's all? I mean, that was pretty significant. I know it was, but I was hoping. That's a bombshell. I know, but I was hoping the update was. That's going to be played on news programs. That was mind-blowing. What?

Nicknamed Grizzle? I was like, actually, I do know more about him. They call him Grizzle. Yes. Number four. Yeah! Yes. So, okay. So as you heard, Andy thought of... He thought of this whole thing, by the way. Like, when you hear these episodes...

Andy is not telling us what he's coming on to talk about. He had planned out the whole like plan one and all that kind of stuff beforehand. But he doesn't tell you that. He doesn't tell us what he's going to talk about. So he had planned that out.

And he had planned out the whole in the whole plan. One thing, as you just heard, you know, he had planned out the fact that in order to get onto the spaceship, you need to start dating one of the actual royals. But he had forgotten that he had been portraying Prince Philip the entire time. So as you heard in the clip, when we mentioned, why don't you just go on the spaceship as Prince Philip? He had not thought of that.

So that like put a hiccup in what we were doing. And and you heard us like figure our way out of it and finding it in real time of like what what was going to happen. There may be an update to this story coming up a little later. Oh, I think I know what that means. But yeah, that was that was a really funny one.

I listened to the entire thing, not just the clip. But yeah, really, really good stuff. I enjoyed it. But anything else you want to say about that one, Paul? Absolutely not. I didn't think so. It's because the reason why is because we need to get to this. The most exciting moments in podcasting. It is time for the third edition in as many episodes of The Snowman Gang. That's right. Now...

We leave the snowman where he was. Where he left. And he is with his back to us all currently. Yes. He's looking at nothing into the inky blackness of the end of the studio. The expanse of the studio. So now we will press his fat little hand. We will. And we will see exactly where he ends up and...

Hopefully. He has not looked at any of us. Yet. But hopefully this... He is back to staring at no one with his back to us all. He's turning again. He's now looking directly at Paul! But that is only the second of four turns. He's over Paul's right shoulder or left shoulder. This is it!

No, almost did Ryan, but he's over Ryan's right shoulder. Sorry, snowman. Better luck next time. And we'll be back in a couple of days. On Thursday, we'll have the top three episodes of the year. You do not want to miss this. You do not want to miss this. Great clips. We've had so much fun. But for now, it's time for us to go. And as always, take care of yourself.

And each other.

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