Best of 2021 Part 4
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But the corn, but the corn, but the corn. Okay, for the listeners out there. For the listeners out there, if you were to hear, and you just did, just the lyric, but the corn. What song do you think it's from? Let's set up the scenario. You've heard a thing. Let's pretend you've heard a thing that you actually just heard. What do you think?

And go. But the corn. Oh, by the way, you texted me the phrase, take care of yourself and each other. I did not see that. And that's why you paused and looked at me like, aren't you going to say the thing I texted you? Yes. I thought we were going to say it together. And then I was saying it by myself. Because I didn't know it. And then I was like, God, I hope I get this right. But I thought you would get a notification that I texted you. I did not.

Weird. I mean, I did get a notification. I just hadn't checked my phone when I was in it. No, that's weird, too. It's weird? Yeah.

But the corn. But the corn. But the corn. What is this song, But the Corn? But the corn. Look, we're fondly reminiscing about when we played the snowman game a few days ago. Oh, so fun. And we were singing the song Let It Snow, which is what the snowman sings. I was wondering, was the guy who did the voice for the snowman toy still alive? Probably not. The voice sounds a little old.

It sounds a little old timey. Not that the man sounds old. He's not going, but the corn. He's almost there. You know what I mean? No, no. He's like a day away from it. Yeah. Like one day he talks like this. The next day. Oh, God. What in my voice? Someone punched me in the throat. I'm 59. Yeah.

And so I was singing, it doesn't show signs of stopping. And then Scott picked up on the next line, but sort of jumped ahead with, but the corn. And then stopped. Because it's, but I've brought some corn for popping. Oh, okay. I thought it was right. But the corn will sure be popping. I thought it was, but the corn is good for popping. It is.

I mean, you're not wrong. Well, but you're also wrong. It's a great middle ground to be in being not wrong and wrong at the same time. The corn is fine for popping. Oh, now it's fine. It was good before.

You're really downgrading this corn. But the corn is perfect for Bobby. I like it. Oh, but the corn. So I guess I was not right. If you heard but the corn, you would say that's not a song. If you heard but the corn, you would say that's not a song. By the way, but the corn, good freedom episode title. For sure.

We should just name one of our Threedom episodes, But the Corn, even if we don't mention it. We should have had Lauren on this so she could have been on an episode this year. No, she'll never be on this. This is just you and me, baby. But she'll always be on Threedom. She'll always be on Threedom. There will never be an episode of Threedom without the three of us, and there will never be an episode of Threedom with Mary Holland.

I was thinking the other day, we've had scheduling. Corn flicks. Corn flicks. Yeah, but the corn is flicked. Yeah.

recently for Threedom, and I was thinking like, at a certain point, if I couldn't be there, would you just say like, oh, that's cool, we'll get... No. Somebody you like. Not that I... And I wouldn't have minded either. I would have understood. I'm sure... Well, I'm sure any of us would accept me. Even though I'm not the one having the problems. It's true. That's probably why you wouldn't mind. I'm out. I'm doing my shit. Good luck, everybody. I wouldn't want to do it with...

that wasn't you guys. And I also wouldn't want you to do it without me. I wouldn't want to do it with anyone but you. Come on. What, if you were a pig and I was a cat? Yeah, but if I was a pig, if you were a pig, Bobby Darin song, and I was a cat, would you fuck me anyway?

Oh, boy. What are you listening to? You're listening to Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2021, part four. We are at the end of our count. I mean, we're not at the end of our countdown, but we're in the final episode of four. We're cracking the top three. We're finally cracking the top three. This is the most exciting. This is, I mean, I am giddy with anticipation regarding what we're kind of- Okay, Dr. Frank Conferter. I caught that. I caught that.

Okay. Little Easter egg for the Rocky Horror fans out there. A Halloween Easter egg? Well, I never. I think I'm going to go out on a limb here and I'm going to say, and tell me if you agree. Okay. Cracking the top three is more exciting than revealing number one. There, I said it. Probably. Probably.

Right? Because, I mean, by the time number one comes around, you realize there's only one thing it could be. When you get down to number one, it's like this thing you've been building up to. And then by the time you get there, it's anticlimactic. I just feel empty. But the top three, it's like, whoa, I wonder what order they're going to be in. These are the three. Obviously, these are probably the three that are the top three. But what's going to be three? What's going to be? But then you crack. Then you're at number one. You're like, I just heard three and two.

There's nothing more to reveal. I just heard three and two. Now we're at one. I just heard three and two. What are we doing here? This makes sense, right? This is what people experience. Why should I listen to one when I've already heard three and two? Oh, God.

This is what we're doing. We're hearing the top three episodes of the year as voted on by you, the listeners. Every year we put out a poll. You're invited to participate. You can choose up to 10 episodes, which are your favorite episodes of the year. We then tally them, tally them, tally those bananas. And they are bananas because these are crazy episodes. Fuck, Gabe said it match.

Let me say something real quick. Yeah. And this might affect the voting next year. Okay. I don't think people should be voting for their favorites. I think they should be voting for which ones they think deserve to be at which number.

So meaning episodes that they didn't like, but they feel like they deserve. Yeah, they don't have to like them. I'm not sure I understand this content. I hate this one, but I think it deserves to be number 10. And why do they feel like it deserves that if they hate it? Because even though they don't like it, it clearly deserves it. They got to give it up. It's the rules of they got to give it up. I get it. I understand. Yeah.

It's like Tony Soprano said, you may not love me, but you will respect me. Is that a spoiler for Many Saints of Newark? Because I have not seen that movie. Eventually it is. All of The Sopranos is spoilers for Many Saints of Newark. Because it happened as a prequel. That's the thing. Exactly. Whatever you do, don't watch The Sopranos. Don't watch The Sopranos ever. Watch Many Saints first. Oh God, can you imagine? Can you imagine that being your first experience with The Sopranos? You would never watch the show. You would never see it. No.

Oh, my God. Speaking of which, if this is your first experience listening to this, good luck. Yeah, and you're never seeing it because it's an audio medium. That's right. If you had turned this on expecting to watch us do this...

Your shit had a look. Your SOL. Did you throw this shit up on your Roku or your Apple television or your fire stick? Yeah. I'd love to see you try. I'd love to see you. Oh, my God. I would give anything to be there. I would give any amount of money to be in your house right now. Eating your wife's cooking. I would love to be petting your dog.

Please, can I live with you? Please. Please, I need a place to stay. Please, can I live with you? I'm scared and alone. Oh, my God. We have... Oh, my gosh. I don't want to hype it too much, but we have three great episodes that we're going to be discussing. But even more than that, we have the climactic conclusion of...

Something that can only be described as the snowman game. Currently, so we can build the anticipation, the snowman is looking at nothing. That's where we left off. We are 0 for 3. 0 for 3. The snowman has not ended his cycle looking at any one of us. Which has never happened before. We even have an extra person in the booth. It's crazy, but I fully anticipate the snowman will be looking at one of us by the end of this episode. I agree. I agree.

Hey, I want it to be me, but if it's not me, I hope it's you. I want it to be me, and if it's not me, I hope that it doesn't look at anyone. Okay. I just want to go home. Okay. Upset. So we're going to be doing that, and that is very exciting. The most exciting moments in podcasting for- They're happening right here?

The Animal Kingdom's favorite podcast, Comedy Bang Bang. That's right. This is, you are not going to want to miss a second or a millisecond of this because that is coming up at the end of the show. Don't just skip to it. No, don't. And don't read the episode description where we tell you exactly what's number three, number two, and number one. Yeah. And who the snowman looks at. We shouldn't put that in there. But we did it. We did it. Don't read it. Don't read it. Don't read. In fact, learn how to not read.

Oh shit. I never thought about that. Can you unlearn that? I think you can. I mean, if you can learn something, you can learn to not learn it anymore. Yeah. I've heard you can't unsee things. I hear that a lot on sitcoms. I think that's only like, like if you see some eight millimeter film. Oh, right. Of something horrible. Yeah. Right, right, right, right. That's. Or if you walk in on someone having sex.

Well, that's what's on the film. Oh, right. And someone's filming it. They're filming you walking in on someone having sex. Is everything filmed nowadays? Yeah, everything. Everything. They shoot it on film. In front of a live studio audience? Yes. The Sopranos? Yes. Isn't it weird to think that they shot the Sopranos in front of a live audience and you don't hear them and you don't see them? I know we've talked about this on a show before, shooting a drama in front of a live studio audience. They're just silent. And occasionally you hear them going, oh.

I know we've talked about it. I'm sure. I don't know. I'm sure. Still, we should do it.

We should do it. This is so exciting. Even better than the three episodes we're going to hear. Whatever. The Snowman Game is reaching its conclusion. The final time we will be doing this in 2021. I know. And we know this is why you tune in. And we're thrilled that you're here to close out another Snowman Game with us. And also do these countdowns. We are thrilled. Let's get loose for this. Mame mi mamo.

Mommy is a sweetie pie. That's a good one. Why can't these be positive? Yeah. My dad is a provider for our family. I respect my brother too.

By the way, I'm Scott Aukerman. This is Paul F. Tompkins. Hi, by the way. I don't know if we mentioned that, but if you're hearing the fourth episode of this, and why shouldn't you be? This is the best one. Yeah. Because it has the top three episodes. But we're not doing our due diligence in introducing who we are. We're not doing our due diligence! Go back and listen to the previous episodes. This is, of course, December 30th when it comes out. Of course it is. On the cusp of 2022, we'll have some final thoughts about the year coming up. New Year's Eve Eve!

It certainly is. Yeah. We should celebrate it just like New Year's Eve. Yes. Countdown, everything. Yes. I think from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve should be the same party. Every night there's a countdown. Every night there's a countdown. I'd love it. I wouldn't mind it. I'd love any party.

At this point. I want to have a party. I have parties. That's our other show. I want to have parties. All right. Guys, we have so much good stuff to do. So much. Why are we wasting time? We got to get to it. Let's hear. We don't mean morally good. We mean fun. Yes. Although it is morally good. I think it adds some positivity to the world. I'll give you that. And it's certainly not to the world's detriment, I think, other than maybe the energy involved used to create it.

Oh, shit. Maybe we should stop. Whatever you do, don't make it a non-fungible token. I don't want to be non-fungible. It's your big item. Fungible till I die, which was a while back now. All right, let's get to it. This is what you've chosen to be episode number three. Number three. Episode number three. Give me them stats. I want to hear it. All right.

Are you ready for this? 691. So high up in the 690s. Yeah. Okay. What date? From February 1. February 1. 2021. 2021. That's a lot of ones. Early in the year, but not as early as it could be. That's three ones. What do those add up to be? Three. And? 20 blackbirds. Yes. Baked in a pie. Yes. Would that be good? So...

I don't know. I mean, I guess. 24 blackbirds. I guess it's like, is it the whole bird or is it the meat of the bird? Probably the meat of the bird. I guess they're stripping the bird for its meat, right? I hope so. But that's a lot of blackbirds for one pie. Unless we're talking like a giant pie that like you dive into off of a diving board. Oh, well, I assumed. Right. Then that's enough. That's enough meat for that. Please don't make a diving board too high. Please. It's a pie. In 2022. It's not a pool. It's not a pool.

Let's make it a nice six foot high, seven foot high. In the new year. Any big giant pies that we're going to dive into? Lower that diving board. Lower the board. We're elderly gentlemen. Come on. I'm not the spring chicken anymore. And if you put chicken in a pie, please let me know. Because I'm diving with my mouth open. Oh, shit. Can you imagine? I guess you should. Yep. Do you want me to hit you with the episode title? Give me that title.

Hashtag. One of our only episodes that starts with a hashtag and is a hashtag. And in fact, starts and ends with this hashtag. Hashtag no stank. Okay. I have one guess as to who is on the show. Sure. I bet you do. Who is that? Sean Diston. Sean Diston. Yes. Making his, is this his second?

Well, no, he was on one or two of the Big Gang episodes earlier. Yeah, so Sean Diston is playing a character named Mike Ruby, the no-stank plumber. That's right. We also have Tim Boltz.

Sure. He's on the show. He's on the countdown quite a bit. Playing Randy Snuts. I would like to give a special shout out to Lily Sullivan. She's also on this episode. Glad I did it. So there you go. So the three of them, it's just the three of them. No celebrity guest. Nice. This is one of the episodes during the pandemic where it was just like-

you know, less people on the zoom, the better. Let's just do one with, uh, all of those. Um, so yeah, this is really funny. This is the debut of Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber who, uh, was on the, uh, holiday episode. That's right.

Which, if we can talk about that one, it's not eligible for this year's. It may be eligible next year. But did you both in real time realize you both had characters named Mike who were in custodial services? No, I had been thinking about it. We actually, this is very rare, but I texted Mike, I texted Sean, I texted Sean the day before knowing that we would be the first two people on.

I wanted to see what character he was going to do because I was thinking about doing Mike the Janitor. Oh, okay. And you wanted to stay away if he was doing Mike Ruby? That was the initial – well, it didn't even occur to me he would do Mike Ruby. Right. That was not what I was thinking. I was thinking of Rudy. I was thinking of Sprague Whisperer. Rudy. And then he said he was going to do that and I was like, okay. And then I had a couple other ideas of people to do.

And then it was at that moment, I was like, I'm going to do Mike the janitor. Yeah. Well, it was very funny because it led to the whole like, you know, me introducing Mike. It was a great bit. I thought it was really fun. But it was one of those things where it was just like not planned, kind of in the moment. It was definitely something I was trying not to do the day before. And then you were like, why not do it? I think this would be funny for both. It was great. Well, this was the debut of Mike Ruby. So we'll hear about his thing. And we also have Randy Snuts. Mm-hmm.

who is a character that Tim does. Tim, by the way, Tim Baltz from, a lot of people would know him from The Righteous Gemstones. He plays Edie Patterson, whom we've mentioned before, who is the daughter of the Gemstones. He doesn't play Edie Patterson. He doesn't play her, but he is Edie's fiance on the show. I forget his character name, but that show is coming back in a couple of weeks and they're both really, really funny on it. And Tim Baltz,

Tim's very into Randy Snuts. Well, we'll hear. Let's just hear the clip. Let's just hear the clip we'll talk about after. This is what you've chosen to be your episode number three. Number three. Randy, remind our viewers why I'm talking to you. Who are you again? So I'm just like a laid back, chill dude who likes to mix it up with my pals.

Right. I've been on the show like five times before, so... I know. I remember talking to you, but I don't... I guess... You know, this is an interview show. This is, of course, Humanity's podcast, formerly known as the show where we talk to interesting people. And you are sort of interesting, but I'm wondering why a new listener...

would be interested in. I mean, most of our guests have something unique about them. Unique New York. And you can say like last week we had a bus accident victim. It's like, oh, not everyone in the world has survived a bus accident. But what is it about you? Why did I first talk to you in the first place? So the first time that you talked to me was because I worked at your favorite restaurant, Dadomio's.

And I used to fill the urinals with ice. Right. Was that your one job? That was my one job at Dodomio's. But I got fired for filling it with ice while people were peeing. It seems to be a hard job to fuck up in that way. But you did it. Yep. I'd be like, excuse me.

And then I'd pour the ice into their pee stream. We know, yeah, we know exactly how. Into their pee stream. And the fun thing about peeing on ice is you get to watch it melt and it gives you a sense of accomplishment. Were you trying to do that so it would melt quicker so you would have more to do so there would be more reason to keep you on the payroll? Yeah, exactly. We worked on commission. You'd get paid for however much ice you got melted by people's pee. How would they quantify that? How would...

I don't know how they would measure it. So you were on the show and I found your lifestyle to be very intriguing. Essentially, as you described it, you hang out and chill with your buddies, right? That's true. And I tried to avoid needless drama and scandal through the exploits of my girlfriend, who's a known provocateur, Carissa.

That's right. Carissa. So you're still with Carissa. Is that is that true or is that false or something in between? Currently, Carissa and I are on a break because she kept breaking quarantine. No. What was she doing?

I mean, she was just trying to live her best life while everyone else was staying at home and trying to keep people safe. But, you know, what else could you expect from a duplicitous, devious person like Carissa? That's right. For our new listeners, how long have you been with Carissa? Right now, it's probably going on like seven or eight years. Okay. And what was it, two years ago?

Uh, probably, well, let's see, seven or eight minus two, uh, five or six years. Okay. I just, I don't know why you said right now is if like, am I asking at some point in the past or the future? No, I'm asking right now. You know, when like one person in a relationship has like a hard start time for the relationship, but the other person is like, I didn't think it was serious for the first four months. Sure. Okay. So you, you, what was, what was your first date though? Or your first encounter? Our first encounter was hanging out in the backyard of my friend, Mark Padovano's house.

Okay. Was he having a party or did you guys just hop the fence? Or how did this backyard meetup take place? He made flyers for what's known as a bags tournament. And we...

Do you know the game Bags? I don't know the game Bags. Is it similar to, what am I thinking of, Donkey Kong? No. What am I thinking of? The cornhole. Yeah, yeah. It's cornhole for people that live outside of Ohio. Oh, okay. So it's, okay, got it. So you were having a Bags tournament. Yeah, we were having a Bags tournament and doing beer bongs.

Off of, uh, do they call those rips beer bong rips? Yeah. Beer bong rips. Oh, so we were doing beer bong rips. He, he lives in a one floor house. So the beer bong started on the roof and then people would pour multiple beers and we'd be doing rips. And then if you survived the rips, we were doing whippets. And that's when Carissa walked in the back and I had kind of a dream weaver moment. And then I passed out.

Oh, okay. So did you pass out from seeing her or the whippets or what exactly happened? Most likely the whippets because she's probably like a seven and a half. Okay. And a seven and a half in what city? Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Oh, okay. So a one out here maybe. Ouch. Goddamn. Coastal elite laying it down. Okay.

Uh, so, but a seven and a half out there that, wow, amazing. And then when you woke up and you opened your eyes, was she there or was it a different day? And your boys were there. It was a different day. And my boys were there and they were like, you made quite an impression because she loves tragic cases. And I was like, Oh, this could spell doom for Randy and a D O O M D O O M. Yeah. So, uh, uh, and then when did you actually get together with Carissa?

Probably like a week later. Okay. Yeah, a week later. So that's not going to affect the seven or eight year thing, just a week. Yeah, but I mean, a week later we hooked up, but then like four months later she's like, why are you acting this way? We've been dating for four months. And I was like, defoog? Yeah.

So you didn't know that you were exclusive at this point? No, not at all. I mean, I wasn't seeing anyone else because my prospects were dim. So it was not that hard for you to say, okay, well, let's keep it sclusy.

from this moment on. That's right. So Carissa got the scloosie, and then we've been seeing each other ever since, but it's been filled with drama. That's right. Shenanigans. List off some of the drama. We've talked about a little bit of it on previous episodes, but remind us, what exactly... I mean, Carissa is scandalous, as you say? Yeah, absolutely. Scandalous, duplicitous, devious as hell. Right, and what are the things that she's done? She poured tequila on my Xbox One and set it on fire. Ha!

That's a combustible alcohol, tequila. She does a really good impression of me. And she called my mom and said I was in the hospital with lupus. What does her impression sound like? Can you do an impression of her doing an impression of you? Yeah, so it sounds like this.

So this was what she, she called my mom and she was like, hey, mom, it's me, Randy. I'm in the hospital with lupus again. Okay, that's pretty good. I mean, it sounds like you were pinching your nose to do that. Does she have some sort of, is her, are her nasal cavities sort of filled up or why the pinched nose? Oh, the opposite. She blew out her septum doing cocaine. Yeah.

So it's just free and clear in there. Easy breezy? Yep, easy breezy. But it kind of collapsed in on itself. Oh, okay. It's a real George W. Bush situation. Is that what took her down from a 10 to a 7.5? Yeah, probably. Her collapsed septum. Okay, so what took her down from a 1.25 to a 1 out here? I'm just doing the math. Goddamn, these left coast elitists. Shitting all over the heartland. So...

I'm just saying it's a different scale. That's all. So, so you've been with her for quite a number of years and she's done all these things to you. And has she flirted with your boys? I can't recall. Yeah, it's nonstop flirtation with my boys.

You know, it's always like she because she tries to keep me jealous. She thinks that I'm my best self when I'm just like filled with rage and jealousy and I'm trying to win her back. Do you agree with that assessment? I mean, it drives me freaking crazy. And then I go like buyer gifts and stuff. So, yeah. OK, so, yeah. All right. And it turns me into a voracious lover.

Oh, okay. Great. Well, I don't know that we need too many details about that. Well, let me give you a couple. Usually I'm just trying to get the job done. But when I'm filled with jealous rage, I'm hitting all the bases. First base, a kiss. Second base, some tongue. Third base, hands, groping, consensually.

And then home base, hitting the dinger. Maybe that's the Sheboygan home run. But out here, I think first base is the kiss. Second base is the hands. Oh. Third base is something else. What is it? Well, it's everything but, if you know what I mean. All right, give me the deets. I need this stuff.

I got to go back to the heartland and use this information. I'm just saying that, so you're kissing her first when she's wronged you, and then you're adding the tongue. You're going through all the steps. You're running around the bases. Yeah, absolutely. Out of respect. You're high-fiving the first base coach, the third base coach. Uh-huh. Yep, I'm doing the safe sign to the ref at second base when I slip the tongue in. Ha ha ha!

And what is that in the metaphor exactly? Well, it's kind of like a power move where you're kissing someone and then you add the tongue and then you take your hands away from the person that you're kissing and they're like, dang, no hands. Okay, so that's the safe sign to the ref. Got it. Uh-huh.

And then once you cross home plate, are all your boys coming out and you're high-fiving them? No, it takes me probably like five minutes after I've ejaculated to calm down. Is that what you mean? To calm down. Oh, really? What did you mean? So you're hyped up. You're, what are you, pacing around the room? What's going on? No, all my brain cells have evacuated my body, and I need five minutes to remember who the hell my name, who am I. Oh, okay. So you're a blank slate. Oh.

Oh, absolutely. I'm a clean slate. You're tabula rasa. Yep. Wow. So we've established then what you and Carissa have been up to. So now you guys are on a break. And how did that come about?

It came about because she kept breaking quarantine. And then we'd come back and I'd be like, so where were you over the last eight hours? And she'd be like, I was here. I was here. I was here. I was doing shots with my girls. I was at another like, you know, bachelorette party. I was visiting some of my relatives who are ne'er-do-wells. So you don't like her relatives? Yeah.

Yeah. And hopefully a lot of them end up in jail because they stormed the Capitol for sure. Oh, really? So she's okay. Her relatives are of that persuasion. Absolutely. They tried to stop the steal and I was not having it. You wanted the steal. Huh?

Huh? No. What? Don't turn this around on me. You're okay with the steal. No, I'm not okay with the steal. I respect the constitution. I wanted a peaceful transfer of power. Okay. And that's what you got, isn't it? At the end of the day, at the end of one day, at the end of January the 6th. No, at the end of a different day, January the 20th. Yes, we did. Yep. Absolutely. We shan't get into those details. So how did she take the news? I mean, were you guys quarantining together? She,

She took it lying down because I said it while she was asleep and then I ran out with all my stuff. Oh, okay. Did you leave her a note? Did she know where you went? I texted her later. Okay, yeah, that's the end of that story. I mean, I could go into detail about what the text was, but it was pretty brief. The thing is, you don't want to awaken a sleeping beast. And in this metaphor, Carissa is the beast. Sure, and the sleep is sleep. She was sleeping, yeah. And not wanting to wake her is not wanting to wake her. So everything but the beast. Yeah.

Yeah. He's a one-to-one. Yeah. Okay. I got it. Yeah. I packed a duffel bag full of my stuff and then a second duffel bag full of like some things for my quarantine hobbies and some like puzzles and games and things. So now where are you living? At my friend, Mark Padovano's house. Oh, the backyard where you first met. I mean, that's gotta be bittersweet. Yeah. He's a good friend. Yeah. What's he up to during the quarantine?

He mostly shitposts online. He's kind of a libertarian. Okay, but a great friend. Yeah, a great friend. Blood is thicker than water.

Sure. And he's okay with you, even though technically you didn't quarantine for two weeks before coming into his residence. He's okay with you staying over there? No, I stayed in my car outside his place for two weeks and then I came inside. So do you have a job? I mean, you haven't been working, right? I mean, if you've been that tight on quarantine. Yeah, no, I've been working from home. Doing what though? Well, initially I was helping Mark Padovano with his website.

Oh, what's his website? What kind of website is he? He has a he has a website that that makes online ads for sports websites that redirects people to DraftKings.com. OK, so if I'm getting this right, you're on a different sports website, like, say, Barstool Sports or something like that.

You click on an ad that then takes you to DraftKings.com? Yeah, exactly. But it's not an ad for DraftKings.com? No, it could be an ad for like, are you concerned about your elderly parents? And you'd be like, well, I'll click on this. And it's like, DraftKings.com, there goes my afternoon. Okay, so you're making the ads? So how do you...

You're essentially tricking people into clicking on things. It's a trick click. I wouldn't say it's a trick click. I'd say it's targeted marketing research that hits at people's deepest fears. Okay. So what are the types of things? All right. Well, definitely worrying about your elderly parents. Sure. Then sometimes we'll use the Chase Bank logo and we'll be like, uh-oh, something's happening with your account. And people will be like, huh? And they'll click on that and they'll be like,

Oh, my God. I need to bet on this. I need to bet on this December Minnesota Timberwolves versus Sacramento Kings game ASAP.

What about the one about the cops hate this one trick to get you out of a DUI? Do you make those? Yeah, that was one of Mark Padovano's first ones. Oh, OK. Along with a picture of a fat guy and then the picture of that guy skinny. And he'd say, this guy lost 145 pounds and here's why trainers hate him. Yeah.

So Mark Padovano is like a pioneer in this field. Oh, yeah. He's a devious guy. He has no scruples or morals. So he's devious as well. I mean, he and Carissa would be perfect for each other. Yeah, but he's loyal to me to a fault because we're childhood friends and we've never let sexuality get in the way.

Okay, so he's never gotten sloppy seconds off something you've been with or vice versa? Well, not with me. I mean, he's hooked up with Carissa a ton of times. Every time we're on a break. Yeah, every time we're on a break, he hooks up with her. Wait, so he... I mean, to me, that violates the bro code. Oh, man, you're right. I mean, he's not loyal to you. In fact...

I wonder if he isn't with her when you're not on a break. And then suddenly when you're on a break, veil is lifted. You know, he's able to keep it out in the open. Oh, no, Scott, don't do this to me right now. I'm going to start spiraling on this podcast. You haven't thought about any of these issues? No, I'm just happy to have a friend during quarantine. Wow. Well, how much is Mark paying you to do this kind of work?

I got like, I get $15 an hour. Oh, okay. How many hours does it take? I mean, sometimes it takes 12, 13 hours a day. Wow. I mean, this is not a bad gig. I'm making really good money right now. Every time I feel insecure, I'm like, hey, that would make a pretty good ad to get someone to click trick. I mean, maybe he's paying you just to keep you occupied. Maybe it's worth the $150 to him, you know? I mean, you know, it's better than paying for it the other way.

Dang. This is devastating, Scott. I mean, I don't want to bring this kind of stuff up to you, but how many times has Mark Pettivano, has he been with Carissa? Like in the past? Or the future. I don't know why you keep asking this. Yes. Are we talking about the present? Is he with her right now? Yes, in the fucking past.

Dang, I knew I'd get shit on on this podcast. I'm sorry. I do every time. I'm sorry. It's just my nature to push back on people. Maybe I was hurting myself. I apologize. I shouldn't lash out at you. You're naughty by nature. And you're naughty by nurture. You were raised that way. Yeah.

That's right. I'm Catholic. We're all naughty by nurture. So how many times in the past then? I mean, I break up with Carissa at least three times a year and Mark's been with her every single time. Wow. So seven or eight times... Seven or eight years. Seven or eight years times three is... Is 21 to 24 times. Yeah. And I mean, that's... And he doesn't have...

A girlfriend or a wife, Mark? Uh-uh. He's famously celibate. Celibate? Other than when he's with her. Yeah, absolutely. Yes. Yeah, that's right. Okay, yeah. I don't know. This is very fishy. Was he surprised to see you when you came by the house and slept in your car outside his house for two weeks? Yeah, his words exactly were, Randy, dafook, what are you doing here? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

That's an exact quote. You can quote me on that. Okay. He is... I already said he's a plumber, but apparently he is...

commonly known as the no stank plumber. Please welcome Mike Ruby. Hello, Scott. It's me, Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber. Scott, how are you? I am very good. It's very good to have you on the show. Guy, I'm so glad to be here to be advertising on your show. Uh,

I don't know that you're advertising as much as you're on the show. I'm going to talk to you if we... A Mike Ruby appearance is an advertisement. Do you understand me, Scott? Do we need to hashtag this as ad then right now? Yeah, yeah. We should probably do a quick ad read. All right, all right. Here we go. Here we go. Well, I was about to have a dinner party only to discover my bathroom was covered in shit.

So I called this plumber named Randy, and boy, did he give me the runaround. He was talking about estimates, and he couldn't guarantee his price. But then I called Mike Ruby. Hi, it's me, Mike Ruby, the No Stank Plumber, and I guarantee I will fix any bathroom situation with zero stank. We're not going to give you the runaround on whether it's going to stank or not. It's not. And it's the Mike Ruby guarantee. Hashtag No Stank.

Hashtag ad, of course, as well. Wow. Incredible. You like how I kind of Michael Winslow that I do all the voices, I do the sound effects. Yeah, I don't know that you were fooling anyone with it. I could tell it was you, but just putting on a little bit of falsetto. I don't know what you're talking about. That was sort of like a fully fledged character. I don't know. Usually, like I've seen Michael Winslow in person and, you know, when he does the helicopter, you'll be looking at the sky going, is there a helicopter?

So you weren't looking around going, is there a woman who's having a dinner party who needs a plumber? You weren't thinking that? Not really. No, I was thinking, oh, Mike's doing a funny voice, but that's okay. I mean, I just think comparing yourself to Michael Winslow, that's a high bar that I don't think necessarily you cleared. Well,

Well, you know, you didn't hear my flush sound, so I don't know why you would, you know, go ahead, judge. You didn't hear my flush sound. So, I mean, I was pretty fooled. Like, I thought there were multiple people in the room and I ran to the bathroom to see if the toilet was stinking. He got up and like his hat spun around in a circle as he ran to the bathroom. You may have missed it then, Randy. Mike Ruby over here was talking about a plumber named Randy.

That this client called. Yeah. But that's not you. Randy's sort of a silly name. You know, you think about Randy like this guy probably smells. Yeah. No kidding.

So you agree with him, Randy? I mean, I'm not disagreeing, yeah. It's short for Randall. That's not a name to be trusted. Yeah, well, it could be short for Brandy, couldn't it? Yeah, Brandy, a fine girl. Sure, what a good wife she would be. My wife, my lover, my lady, and the toilet stank. You guys doing a song? Yeah.

We know the song. We probably know more than that to the song, but we're not going to get into it. Probably, but we're not going to get into it at this point. Let's not get into the weeds. So, Mike, you promise in your commercial that it's not going to be stank. What is not going to be stank? What do you mean? Because this woman in the commercial, and I'm being generous when I say that. You mean?

Whoa. Randy, you took off again. No way, Randy. Don't worry. It's me. It's me. It's me. Oh, okay. It sounded like a sexy lady was in my bathroom. So this woman, what a strange experience for her to walk into her bathroom and it's covered in shit and she had no idea. Yeah, that's sort of a worst case scenario. Someone else's then or someone...

That's a great question, Scott. You know, those are the kind of things I get into. For me, it's just... You don't care why. I don't care what it is. If you want me to deal with your shitty bathroom situation and you want it to not smell, you gotta call Mike Ruby, baby. So...

What's not smelling about? Do you clean up the shit that's already there? Do you want me to walk you through my patented, I don't know how many steps, maybe nine step process? Sure, yeah, nine steps. Let's go. I love that you chose the number nine.

And you didn't go double digits, which I respect. Sometimes, Scott, sometimes you over, you say it's like a 30 step process. Then you're fucking locked in on coming up with 30 steps. Sure. No, under promise and over deliver. So, Scott, first things first, I got to start at my home, Scott.

So you, okay. Yeah. That's, that's where the process starts is you're at your house. Somebody gives me a call. They say my bathroom's covered in shit. Don't worry about it, Randy. That's just me. So receiving the call is the first step. Okay. Oh, we're going to answer the call as the lady goes. That's going to be part of the steps. Okay. Hold on. Let me recalculate. I think we're at an 11 step process. Oh, okay. All right. So I answer the call and then step two, hop in the shower.

Okay. You want to make sure that you're not stanking when you go over there. The first step to being a non-stank plumber, Scott, is to make sure you are not bringing any stank into the stank situation, Scott. You don't want any additional stank in there. I don't want no additional stank. You have a beautiful voice. Thank you, Scott. That is from one of our radio ads.

Wow. Then I do do all the voices, of course, like Michael Winslow. But yes, so I do shower. You shower. Do you rub yourself with soap, essential oils? So I got Garnet Fructis in there. I got Paul Mitchell shampoos and conditioners, you know, Scott. And then I also use Tom's of Maine bar soap, Scott. I don't know about that. I think I would switch out.

Well, that's just what exfoliation's got. I get that in the crack. I go deep, deep, deep exfoliation, and I wash my hair a couple times. As you can see, I have a flowing mane of hair. Yeah, it is long. I didn't want to say it, but on the Zoom, it looks like, was that down to your butthole? Right now, it's down to my butthole because I'm sitting. But when I stand, it's right above my little butt crack. Okay, okay.

But when you have this much hair, Scott, you got to make sure you clean. So and, you know, as a plumber who showers all the time, you could tell that my hair is healthy. No split ends. Yeah. You know, if I were you, I would be like a cyclist. I would I would shave my body entirely so that there is never any doubt that I would be stankless. You would think that that, Scott, is a is a good thing. But actually, it's not, Scott. Hmm.

It's true. It's true. The more you shave yourself, the stankier you get. Thank you. Snuts gets it. Once you shave, you start releasing some of the like really stanky, understand, like the things that get baked into your skin as you sleep. You know, you shave. It's almost like poking at a dead horse, you know? Oh, OK. I thought it would be trapped in a beard or in the hair, but no, it just releases the toxins. You would think that, Scott.

Well, then you just got to clean that beard. So I brush my beard over 100 times before I leave the shower. By the way, your beard is super long, too. That's down by the pee hole, I see. So my beard is not only on the ground. It extends like three feet in front of me. Oh, wow. So this is like a Princess Diana in reverse. It's like a Princess Diana in reverse. I don't even know what that means, man. She had a train when she got married that was super long. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a wedding train, but in reverse. I love that. You're right.

Okay, so that's step two. All right, step three.

Okay. I drive there. Now, this is a really important part. I get in my car. I put up all the windows. There's a lot of mini steps within this. There's a lot of mini steps. So if we're doing like an outline, you know, this was like A, and now we're down at the I section where it's like, oh, you know, indent it a little more. Why do the windows go up? Because you don't want any of the outside air? I can't have any outside smells, Scott. So not only does the window go up, but I do spray heavy chemicals inside the car.

Okay, so it smells like that new car kind of thing. New car smell, osium, bleach, Febreze. I spray it all, Scott. And the windows are up, and I keep from passing out by holding a small cloth over my face. Okay, great. Wow, counterintuitive, but that seems to work. It is counterintuitive because that is sort of the chloroform, sort of the way you chloroform somebody. But if you want to make sure that you don't get chloroform, you just have a clean cloth.

So Mike, what is the smell of all those things combined to make you smell like once you step outside of the car? I call it the Mike Ruby signature smell. Wow. And it's trademarked. And I'll tell you, it's not over yet because when I get out of the car, the final step is...

is i take off all my clothes and spray myself head to toe with x body spray wait is this step four then at this point or step four okay great we all right so we shall we shower and then we drive there and drive there which has a lot of many steps of the rolling of the windows stepping out of the car etc and now we have sprayed the body with x body spray

And now we are at the customer's home, Scott. So no one is smelling the Mike Ruby signature smell other than you. Not yet. Because once you get to the doorstep, it's Axe Body Spray all the way. Well, the reason I do that, Scott, is I want to train my nose to be, you know, it's trained for a good smell. So any bad smell, I'm going to pick it out immediately when I walk into the house. Okay. Do you have a...

Do you have nasal cavities a lot like Carissa there where they're just blown out and you can smell everything? Oh, yeah. I did what they call a cocaine simulation with pixie sticks in order to blow out my septum so that I could smell better, Scott. Okay, because you're a strict don't do drugs adherent. Oh, I will never do drugs, Scott. I signed that DARE contract and I will never go back on that. When you were 13.

I was 13, but I was still, you know, my parents were there, so they did agree if it was legally binding. Oh, okay. Wow. Okay, so we are now at step five. You should get emancipated from that DARE contract. It's really tough, Scott. We could talk about that, but there's a lot of legal red tape to go through. Yeah, at least nine steps. All right, so step five. Step five. Now, I'm in your house. Step five, I'm going to say, point me in the direction of the stank.

Okay. So you just want the direction. Yeah. I just want the direction because- Northeast, south, or west? Just sort of actually hold out two arms and sort of do it at an angle. And I know that the mess is within that angle, Scott. Oh.

Okay, so essentially like a 45 degree or at least you could maybe widen it out if you put your arms behind your back to like 190, 200 degree. Yeah, if you want to really be obtuse with it, you can go ahead and do that. Sure, of course. So Scott, at this point, I float off the ground like Pepe Le Pew. Oh.

No way. You love the stank? Yes. You love the stank. Well, see, I don't love the stank. But I actually am revolted. I'm revolted by the stank. It's just my job is to find it. So I find it myself. So what step number is this that you're floating on the ground?

six this is six this is number six scott now of course i float my way now typically we're getting to a bathroom scott and typically there's shit everywhere typically why why you'd be surprised you know you're not calling a plumber for like a simple clog like you're calling a plumber for what like an act of god has gone down you know i i i

wanted to say that I think a plumber would you know and and I don't want to tell you how to do your job but I think a plumber could advertise as like the no judgment plumber you know how like right you know you're ashamed when you call a plumber because of what they're gonna find in there you know well Scott I could advertise that because one of my steps is one of my steps is to disassociate

Okay. So you're outside of your body. I cannot take the smell or like the looking at even talking about poop or anything like that. You've been doing it now for the past 15 minutes. I'll puke. So when it comes down to the time to actually clean, I disassociate. But before we get there, Scott, before we get there, I'm of course going to hop in their shower.

Oh, okay. So that's step seven. Step six is you find the shitty bathroom. Step six is I float like Pepe Le Pew to the shitty bathroom. Step seven, hop right on in the shower. And of course, I'll use whatever they have in there. Garnet Fugtis. You don't bring your own stuff. No, no, no. Dove, body wash, you know, even if they have like a sort of

like a manly one that's like an axe. These are the things that can be found in other people's bathrooms. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you know that I wrote a magazine article that is 10 things your crush might have in their bathroom? Oh, no, I didn't realize you wrote that. I don't know why I would have. That's a real manageable number, too. Sure. I mean, I don't know that I necessarily want to hear all 10, but...

We can circle back around if we have time at the end of the show. But we are at step seven, and of course I am reshowering, which is of course rubbing off all the stuff. To get that Axe body spray off. Gotta get the Axe body spray off. Because you want the Axe body spray when you go to the door, because you want to smell good for the humans. Right. But you don't want to leave the Axe body spray smell there. Because some people might consider that a stank, Scott. I don't know who, but yeah. Some crazy people, but yeah.

You know, Scott, I shower again. I wash up of those smells. I don't need my smell heightened as much anymore. I hop out of the shower, Scott. I look down at the shit everywhere. Is this where the disassociating comes? Of course. I disassociate, Scott. And that's why it's step eight, because I disassociate. That's how I remember it. Oh, okay.

So it's hard to remember without that? It's hard to remember that you always disassociate when you do plumbing. Like, what's step eight? I've just showered. What is step eight again? Oh, right, I disassociate. And then I start looking around and things get blurry. And then I sort of fall over and hit my head on the side of the seat. Oh, gosh. Wait, is this step nine? No, this is step eight still. Step eight is disassociate. Step nine is hit your head on the side of the seat. Oh, okay. That's a huge part of it.

Okay. Well, that's all the steps there are. No, but there's 11, Scott, because we were going to count. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay. So two more steps. So step 10 is wake up and hope the bathroom is cleaned. Okay. Well, how often, what percentage of the time is it clean? A hundred percent, Scott. It's my guarantee. I,

I don't know what it is about me, but once I disassociate the bathroom, I'm, I'm unclogging drains. I'm pulling out. Oh, okay. So you're waking up and you've done the work, I guess. I thought you meant that when you woke up, you hoped the owner came in. No, no, no, no, no. Like I, I do a lot of the work, but I'm, I'm sort of drooling and bleeding out of the side of my ear and I sort of clean things up. And then of course, Scott, in the event,

that the bathroom is not clean. Step 11, I will burn the residents to the ground. Oh, okay. Yeah.

How many times has that happened? Well, you know, Scott, I'd say it happens around, you know, once or twice a month. Oh, okay. Is that part of the contract they sign when you... Oh, yeah. If you want the Mike Ruby guarantee, you got to be okay with the chances, the one in ten chance that I will have to burn your house to the ground because, quite honestly, it's just too far gone. Number three. Yeah. Batman. Uh,

Yes, very good. That was, of course, Sean doing the 12-step process, which we cornered him into. And I guess when I say Tim is into doing Randy, that's his like, I think that's his favorite guy to do, it feels like to me. Right.

Because he just, he's really in it when he does it. Like he knows everything about that guy. Yes. That's true. Yeah. I know what you mean. You know what I mean? Like sometimes when he's playing Darren Matichak, like he's in it. I mean, he was in Bajillion Dollar Properties with you, Paul. I was number one on the call sheet. You were number one on the call sheet, but there was another list that I want to bring up, which was the list of, everyone was ranked of who would break the easiest, wasn't there? Yes. The editors had compiled a list of,

Of the cast, who broke the most to who broke the least? Right. And was he not the least? He was the least. He was the least because he is, he's really into it when he does improv. And he does not like to break. And right above him was Mandel Mon, who I only ever saw break once. She, yes, she is also, she's a great actress and stays in it. And those two are very much like, they know what they're doing is funny, but they are also like...

That's their process. They don't want to ever laugh at anything that's happened. So, so, so Tim, and by the way, where, where were you on the list?

I think I was, I was kind of in the middle, in the middle who, and was it Ryan was the absolute worst. No, I think Dan, a dude was. Oh, okay. Yeah. That makes sense. I think Dan was number one. And then Ryan and Tim, Ryan and Drew in some order. Yeah. Yeah. Ryan on the between two first movie was definitely. Oh really? The worst. Um,

Yeah. So Tim is just very – any character he does, he's very into it when he does it. But I just feel like Randy is the one that he feels the most kinship towards. Yes. I wonder if it's based on someone he knows very well. I think it might be, yeah. We also – we didn't get to her in the clip, but Lily Sullivan was doing – Shout out to Lily Sullivan. Diana Deeb. Perfect time for a shout out for her.

She was doing – You have to say her name? Absolutely. Yeah. She was doing Diana Deep a little later on the show. You can hear if you listen back to that episode. Diana Deep is a character that she originated for her own show, which is called Going Deep with Diana Deep. That's a really funny show. It's really funny. Both Scott and I have been on it with our spouses, all playing characters. Yep.

And she has a new show called This Book Changed My Life, which I've – You were just on. I was just on it. Yeah. But, man, it's really funny. It's really good, yeah. So check out her stuff. And, wow, we did it. We cracked the top three, but I'll tell you what's left. Two and one. I know. But then the snowman game. Then the snowman game. Yeah, okay, okay. I'm back in. All right. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back with episode number two, but also the snowman game.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. And we're back. Minimum. Minimum. And... And we're saying things that we just said off mic, and then we come back and we say them on mic right away. And why were we even saying it off mic? We don't know, but we said the word minimum. God only knows, Beach Boys. It wasn't like it was the final word of a sentence we said, a full sentence. No, we just said the word minimum. Minimum.

At some point, we just start saying single words and we say them at the same time and we don't know why. We don't know. We don't know where they come from. But minimum. What's weird is like a lot of the times the single words that we say at this stage, I will never say again after I leave here. No, I cross them off the list of words I've said. Oh, for me, it just doesn't happen anymore. I didn't know you actually physically cross them off the list. No, I make a list. If you'll notice, if you listen to all of these episodes one after the other, you'll notice that I never repeat a word.

That's wild. I just got to chill. This is the first time I'm saying this one. The. Are you kidding? I haven't said it in any episode before this. That's, I'm freaking out right now. It's crazy. Anyway, so yeah, I'm kind of a savant. Some would say idiot savant. Very funny. But yeah, it's just something I do. I actually don't think that's funny. I think that's mean. I don't like when people are mean to you. Thank you so much. You're my biggest defender.

Scott, I would kill somebody for you. Who? My wife? They planned a murder on a podcast. A noir movie where someone misinterprets what someone says and gets arrested immediately. He didn't even wait for me to answer it. He just ran out.

All right. All right. All right, you pieces of shit. Hey, what's up, pieces of shit? We are counting down your final two best of the comedy. Let's throw some pearls before this swine. Here we go. Listen up, piggies. Stop fucking that cat for two seconds. With your crooked ass dicks. Here we go. This is what you've chosen as your number two. Number two.

Okay. Number toodles. Here it is. Number toodles. All right. Let me give you some numbers. 704. Okay. So we're in 700s. Yeah. Early on. Pretty deep in the 700s. Pretty steep. I mean, four. Four's a lot of anything. If I had $4 right now? I wouldn't be unhappy. I wouldn't be here. Where would you go with that $4?

Take a bus somewhere. Somewhere else. And then not get back. You stay there. Wherever I happen to be. Start a new life. As a bus driver. I'd kill the bus driver. I'd take over his life.

Okay. 704 from May 3rd, 2021. May 3rd. What does that tell you? This tells me I'm almost fully vaccinated and I'm very excited about it. But when did this show start? It started at 4 p.m. And it's...

Three in the morning now? No. When did Comedy Bang Bang have its first episode, my dear boy? Oh, probably in May a while ago. Wait a minute. Yes. Is this a Buon Anniversario? This is the 12th anniversary episode. Holy moly. Number two. Good job, everybody. Wow. Number two. Who are the participants? Jason Manzoukas, Andy Daly, Paul F. Tompkins. Me.

The Band Manchester Orchestra. Mancho. Carl Tartt. Dan Lippert. Ego Wotum. Sean Diston. Jessica McKenna. John Gabrus. Lily Sullivan. This is another stacked episode. Shout out to Lily Sullivan. And Jesse McCain. Jesse McCain. This was right at the cusp of when people were getting vaccinated, but we still...

We just it's when the anniversary happened to be. No one was comfortable being in the studio yet. Nobody was. I think that I I was past my two weeks at this point. Yes. But I don't think I was yet. I think towards the end of May, I was ready. But still, this one turned out so great. It's a great. It's funny all the way through Manchester Orchestra, the band. Yeah.

They're probably listening to this right now. Hi, guys. Shout out to them. And they're big fans of the show. And they did beautiful songs on the episode. And then everyone just brought their A-games on it. You have...

The aforementioned Randy Snuts. And he brings his girlfriend Carissa, whom we heard from for the first time. Scandalous. Very scandalous. Sprague is on it. Gino. Charles Barkley. Rabbi Bill Walton. Charlotte Hornet. Ha ha ha!

But we're going to hear two clips. We're going to hear Jessica McKenna is the second clip doing Marjorie Kershaw, who is the park ranger character that she does. One of the most wholesome characters. Extremely wholesome. Jessica is...

a big practitioner of wholesome comedy. 100%. And it's a delight to listen to and... A refreshing change of pace from the usual filth of this show. So that is the second clip, but the first clip...

is the follow-up to an episode that we heard in our last Best Of. I remember. And I'll just recap it a little bit. In the previous episode with episode 700, which was just four episodes previous...

Jason Manzoukas and I and Andy Daly, we hit upon the Scrooge gang where Prince Philip was going to die. And everyone was going to be dressed as the characters from Christmas Carol and Rob the Bank. You heard that. Yeah. And then Prince Philip was going to die. And so then what happened was –

I think literally three or four days after that episode, Prince Philip actually died. Right. And suddenly one day on my phone, everyone started saying, you guys did it. You guys. The plan went off without a hitch. This 100-year-old man suddenly died. So...

So we realized that we had to address this somehow. And thankfully, the 12th anniversary episode was coming up. And so –

This is what we're going to hear and we'll talk about the behind the scenes of the other part after the clip. How's that sound to you? Okay, so let's hear it. This is what you've chosen to be number two. Number two. But here's where things went, gentlemen, I'm afraid, off the rails. They went pear-shaped. Yeah. Yes, exactly. The person who we had hired to play Scrooge is...

in the gang simply didn't show up. But it was fine. We went ahead with it anyway. Not realizing. We waited for like five whole minutes. Well, yes. And he didn't show up. I had argued for giving him the more traditional 15 minute race. But a bank robbery is a more precise thing. In show business, you have to be five minutes early and that means on time. So the fact that he was five minutes late, we just walked away. I have a question, Byron. In setting this up,

Did you hire bank robbers so as to make the bank robbery feel real? Or did you hire actors to play bank robbers? Jason, were you not paying attention this whole time? I wasn't. I forgot. What did we do? We were there every day of this. We were? We were part of it? I so forgot. We wrote the script.

script right after the episode oh right i'm so sorry damn it and so as you know cut that out devon i'm not gonna redact you just redact i demand the rule is if you say i want it redacted it has to be redacted if you want it redacted it has to be enacted yes if you and so i'm enacting redacting

Well, anyway, it was a bunch of actors who had starred in a production of The Christmas Carol. And we had got this great guy for The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, who all he had to do, you know, in A Christmas Carol, all he does is point at a grave. He's wearing big, long robes. All he had to do was just show the teller the note. He didn't have to say anything. Yes, yes. But somehow we got this chatty catty.

Chatty Catty. Chatty Cathy. We got a Chatty Cathy actor out there who wanted to like beef up his role or something. It was crazy.

Well, and of course, they did not realize that they were going to be shot for real by me dressed as Prince Philip. And so that was, that ended up being really rather a shame. They kept saying like, hey, where are my squibs? I see Prince Philip has squibs. Where are my squibs? And we kept saying like, yeah, don't worry about it. We also told them that the police that were showing up were also actors. Sure, yeah. And everyone in the bank was an actor. They would be totally safe and they should feel free to talk. We had told them actually that we had,

build an 11 to 10 scale Lloyd's bank around the real bank. So the whole thing was a set.

So it may be that the Scrooge fellow was suspicious of some of that and therefore did not show up. Can we just say who he was? It was Patrick Stewart. Yes, all right, good. We were going to kill Patrick Stewart. Yes, the plan was to kill Patrick Stewart and everyone else who starred with him. I mean, that didn't start out as the plan. The plan was to get...

get the public to believe that Prince Philip had been killed foiling a bank robbery. That was just a side benefit. The benefit on the other side of it was that we could get rid of Picard. Right. That was just incidental.

But as it turns out, gentlemen, because there was no Scrooge in the Scrooge gang, when the police got to the scene, they saw the dead body of what was meant to be Prince Philip, this body that Dalton Wilcox had arranged. With the prosthetics. Yes, yes, yes. And they assumed that this was the Scrooge and that this was a bad guy. And then when they determined it was Prince Philip...

There was this terrible panic inside Buckingham Palace that Prince Philip had joined a bank robbing squad. Wow. As Scrooge to the Scrooge gang. Now, it didn't help that he was wearing like one of those nightcaps that Scrooge has when he throws open the windows and goes down. That was the real blunder. Well, because we had we had thought that perhaps Prince Philip would have heard the gunshots and jumped out of his bed and all that. We thought we thought that made it more heroic.

that he like jumped out of bed just to go down to this bank. Just to go foil this bank robbery. Yes. But instead it looked like he was, if anything, the ringleader, which is a very compelling narrative, I'm sure, that the tabloids picked up with and ran with. I mean, the thing. We've never seen anything like it in London. This was fantastic.

the greatest clamping down of a news story you have ever seen in England. You've never seen such message discipline on the part of the royals or such cooperation on the part of reporters. Anyone who came within a mile of it was threatened with their lives and ran away. Probably a kilometer.

Within a kilometer. Probably within a kilometer. Which is how you would say it. That's so polite of you to translate it. You don't have to say it for our sake. No, I assume that Americans are far too stupid to even understand that word and that it is a unit of measurement. This was the biggest clampdown on a news story since Princess Di was abducted by aliens, wasn't it? Yes, exactly. Exactly. And even bigger because apparently you've heard of that. Well, sure.

Piers Morgan told me. I mean, I think The Clash wrote a song about it. Yeah, about the clampdown. About the clampdown. Oh, well, anyway. And also, I thought the law was vaguely about it, tangentially. Yep, absolutely. And London calling because there was a lot of calling in the city of London. Long distance calls are very expensive. That whole song is just about the long distance rates. Yes. To space.

Well, they put out Buckingham Palace, put out the story that Prince Philip had died peacefully surrounded by family. And of course, that's what everyone thinks happened. And I'm furious because all of our wonderful efforts have gone to naught. They've been so sort of sewn up tight by the palace.

Well, it was unfortunate because we had an airtight plan and we had the branding of the Scrooge gang that was going to be just dynamite and take over the world. And it's unfortunate. It's unfortunate it went down like this. Well, this also really, like...

completely interrupts your entire plan to get on that spaceship to escape Earth. Were you able to go to the funeral, though, and cozy up to one of the royals? Well, the funeral itself was a rather small affair, but there was an after-funeral party, which was very... It was huge. Was that in the hotel lobby? It was in the lobby of Windsor Castle. Yes, and it was really... It was like a three-day bacchanal. But, uh...

But here's where things get only more complicated. Okay. If you'll remember, Lady Amelia Spencer, right? She is single. Right. Single, ready to mingle. Is she the one that's engaged to the Grizz? Yes. Okay. Okay.

Well, when I asked Dalton Wilcox, where did you get the body to swap? He said, this is the grizz. What? Yes, Dalton Wilcox, and this is one of the things- Of his own volition. Well, he came to feel that this was a Dr. Mallet, Mr. Grizzle scenario. Right, that's right.

And so that's right. And he was duty bound to kill a monster. Yes, yes. And so he shot the Grizz through the heart with a silver bullet. And just to be safe, also shot him in the left thigh because sometimes people's hearts are in their thighs. People's hearts can be moved. Wow. So Grizz is gone. So Lady, what's her name?

Amelia Spencer. Amelia Spencer. She's, I mean, the Grizz has dropped off her radar, so maybe she's ready to party. The Grizz is buried in Prince Philip's grave. Wow. Covered in prosthetic makeups. Whoa. Yes. That's what's going on. Crazy. So how does this affect plan one and you getting up there? Well, now, how it affects it is that I now...

I'm trying my best to woo Lady Amelia Spencer. How's that been going? Husband. Well, it's been difficult because she doesn't accept that the Grizz is gone. She says, oh, no, that's just the Grizz. He...

He disappears for a while, you know. He goes off the grizz. Yeah. He's that kind of guy. The grizz goes off the grizz. You know, this is typical grizz biz. Right. So she's, you know, I mean, all of my sort of... There's no grizzness like show grizzness. Sure. So she's not receptive to your charms as of yet? No, she keeps saying, I'm engaged, I'm engaged. Well, what would the grizz say and all this? And I...

Of course, I have this inside information that he's been buried, he's dead and buried. At what point do you just drop this information in her lap and say, look, I know what's really going on and I'm your best bet right now? That's what I'm trying to figure out. At some point, yes, just take her aside and say, listen...

Your fiance has been murdered. Don't just take her aside. Take her to the grave itself and exhume the body and take off the prosthetics and show her. You might have to show her. Don't just tell, show. I have to bring along some alcohol swabs to get the prosthetics off. That's probably the least of your concerns with exhuming the whole body. Not at all. Can you imagine? And also prepare her. Tell her there's going to be quite a lot of spirit gum you're going to see. Yes, yes, yes. And don't worry. We're going to be able to take that off and you'll see the grizz underneath.

Could you imagine going through all the effort of exhuming a body and digging it up and then being unable to take the prosthetics off and prove what you wish to prove because you didn't bring along alcohol to get through the spirit? Well, if you could, perhaps, you could bring like a thermos of drinks, like a slow gin fizz grizz. Sure. Which is...

Which you could be drinking while you're exhuming the grave, you know? Oh, yes. There would be drinks involved, yeah. This is a nice little date, you know, out there in the cemetery. This could be romantic. Yeah.

Uh, I suppose so. And prompt some closure for her. And then, boom, you're right there to be the shoulder she cries on. Next thing you know, you're in outer space. Yes. Yes. Which is the end game, right? Being in outer space. Being in outer space is the end game. Well, I think the end game is killing Thanos.

And getting people back from the blip. Of course, yes. Well, this is this is I mean, when is plan one happening, though? Because it was supposed to happen this week. Well, yes, it seemed very imminent. But I gather that the funeral rather sort of threw things off a bit. And and now I wonder if perhaps they're considering they're wondering what will happen with the the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Oh, so they're waiting for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to see if Sean Arnott legally changes their name and gets to the stage before Tina Turner. Is that what it is? Yes, because if in fact Sean Arnott does not make it into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, then they're in the clear. Maybe plan one would be called off. Right. Well, I mean, this all just depends on, of course, the Grizz being gone and the Grizz being... Did someone mention my name?!

What? Wait. Well, well, well. Oh, no. I'm a dentist and as I live and breathe. Who's this then? Oh, you know who it is, me old China. Sir, announce yourself. Who are you? It's me.

Wait a minute! What? How can this be? We've just been told you were killed. Dalton Wilcox murdered you with a silver bullet to the heart and the leg. No one kills the Grizz. Wait, so you're unkillable or he just didn't succeed in killing you? Are you some sort of immortal? How do you work, Grizz? I mean, I don't think I'm unkillable, but that bloke didn't kill me.

Oh my god. So far I'm unkillable. So that was you then with the prosthetics. Oh, it was me with the prosthetics. So was it also you who was buried in Prince Philip's grave? Did you have to? Were you buried alive? Not the first time, dearie. And it won't be the last. Oh my god. So are you here for revenge? I'll tell you what I'm here for.

I'm here to defend the honor of my girlfriend, Lady Amelia. Wow. This is shocking. So you did all of this for love? For love and for sex and for money. Where's the money come into it? Oh, I guess she's got a lot. She's a Spencer, yes. She's a Windsor. So you know everything? You know about the Scrooge gang, everything? I know everything.

The Scrooge gag's not going to work. Wait, did you listen to episode 700? Me and Byron like it. Anytime I'm spoken about, I manage to hear it. I watch the world with the eyes of little birds. LAUGHTER

Well, Grizz, it's a pleasure to have you on the show. Welcome to Comedy Bank. The Grizz. I'm sorry, The Grizz. And by the way, I would like to thank you, The Grizz, because I also was against the name The Scrooge Gang. I thought, I especially thought it was... At this point, it's a tie, and you're not even part of it anymore, The Grizz. It's a bit whimsical. No, I'm not part of it, am I? I never was part of it. This is all a fantasy of your making.

Just so I understand, Dalton Wilcox did shoot you and did cover you in prosthetics to look like Prince Philip and did lay you in the street in front of Lloyd's Bank and you were buried in Prince Philip's grave, but none of that had killed you and you managed to claw your way out and now here you are? That's right. You got in one. Nobody beats the Grizz. LAUGHTER

This is shocking. This is a shocking development. Shocking, isn't it? Nobody beats the Grizz. Nobody beats the Grizz. Are there t-shirts? Because I'd love to make some t-shirts. That's got to be a t-shirt. That's got to be a t-shirt. Well, the Grizz, this is incredible. Did you claw your way out of the grave? What exactly happened?

The easiest thing in the world is to escape from a coffin that wants to be buried underground. Are you some sort of David Blaine type illusionist?

What? No. The guy that goes in the glass box and says, I'm going to go in a glass box for a while. Yeah. So you have no aspirations to be any kind of magician or... What I do, I don't do for show. He's engaged to a royal. He doesn't have time to be doing magic. He's engaged to a royal. You have nothing but time to do magic once you're engaged to a royal. Once you're married.

Oh, okay. So you have no time right now. No time right now. Sorry. No time for magic right now, mates. I've got to be on it. I've got to survive to make it to the royal wedding that I'm going to have. Have you announced your presence? Have you returned back to your fiance at this point? I've been communicating with her through a series of birds.

- There are a series of birds, which birds? Which series is this? - Do you mean actual birds or are you in the sense of like in Game of Thrones, like the little street urchins are the gossip network, those little birds? - Both, the little street urchins carry actual birds.

That's expensive. Wow, it looks like a waste of the bird's natural talent to fly. These birds is all wounded, Byron Dennyston. They can't fly no more. Look at this cruel prick. Thinks birds should just be put to death, summarily executed if they ever get an injury, Byron? What are you, the producers of luck but with birds?

You're saying you've written little notes to your fiancée and tied them to the legs of birds who are injured and cannot fly and handed them to street urchins who then carry them to Lady Amelia? Did I stutter? No, you didn't. I...

Honestly, I think it would be more merciful to kill the birds. Oh, you would, wouldn't you? I do. Well, that's you, isn't it? A posh toff like you. All you think about is, is it lower than me? Kill it.

I mean, Byron Dennison, I have to say, this is like, as a royal watcher, this must be huge news for you. Not only that the Grizz is alive. The Grizz is alive! But also hearing about a specific royal method of communication heretofore unknown. It's not a royal method. It's a method from the streets. I'm a commoner, you might say. Oh, interesting. Oh, okay. Got it. Had no idea. Oh, you didn't?

Did I sound like I come from Oxbridge, mate? Your accent is British, so very posh. The Grizz, where... What's your background? Where did you come from? We don't know anything about you. I come from the gutter.

Are you some sort of like Oliver Twist or Fagin style con artist out there on the streets who's ingratiated himself? First of all, Oliver Twist was not a con artist. He was an orphan, wasn't he? And Fagin was not a con artist either. He was a pickpocket. And he ran a ring of little kid pickpockets.

I beg your pardon. Nobody was conning anyone. People were just taking people's wallets. So would you say, are you a con artist kind of like a Danny Ocean? Or a, I can't remember what Brad Pitt's character's name in Ocean's movie was. But he ate a lot. He certainly was always eating something. I think his name was Shrimp Cocktail. His name was Shrimp Cocktail. Ha ha ha.

It's not a bad name. Brad Pitt played a character named Shrimp Cocktail in the Ocean's Eleven movies. This is my best friend. This is my best friend, Shrimp Cocktail. And at precisely 11.45, Shrimp Cocktail, you're going to move to the blackjack table.

How long does it take to sing the song God Save the Queen? I mean, shrimp come from the ocean, so it's not that big of a stretch. As do we all, mate. As do we all. That's true. So say we all. So say we all. Battlestar Galactica. Oh, are you a sci-fi fan?

I'm sci-fi. Oh, really? What's your favorite? You an SG-1 guy? Any recommendations? I'm looking for something new to watch sci-fi-wise. Blake 7, of course. You've got to watch Blake 7. Well, okay. Doctor Who. Yes, Doctor Who. That's the only sci-fi that really matters, isn't it? You guys are really getting along. On this we agree, Byron. That is the way. All right. Good, good, good. I mean, do you have a...

I guess you don't have a problem with Byron here. I mean, the guy who shot you is Dalton Wilcox, right? Oh, I've got a problem with Byron. What's your problem with me? Dalton Wilcox. You're full of questions, ain't you, Byron? All I'm trying to do is steal your fiancé away, and if killing you to do it is what's needed, I'm perfectly willing. Do you hear yourself, mate? Do you hear yourself? You're shouting.

Are you even aware of the gris? I actually can't hear myself that well, and that's why I do tend to shout sometimes. Oh. I do, let me just say, I do have a bit of tinnitus, and so I often cannot hear myself that well. And so sometimes I will speak more loudly than I realize I'm speaking. So if that does happen, I do it. This makes sense of the gris. But there is also anger!

Are you even aware, The Grizz, of the plan to take you up into space? Do you even know that that's happening and that that's one of the side benefits of marrying a royal? Are you even aware? Indeed I am aware. And no one's going to keep me from marrying Lady Amelia and go into space or deep under the ocean or wherever she wants to go because I'm in love with her and that's the truth. What are you going to do out in space, The Grizz?

I don't know, space things? I mean, I can see it. Collect rocks? Does it sound that exciting? I don't... What's exciting to me?

is being by the side of my lady love, Lady Amelia. You know, what's kind of wonderful about being able to, because, you know, previously when we were speaking to Byron a couple of weeks ago, we got this whole story and I got really wrapped up in Byron surviving the apocalypse on Earth and living in space. But now that I'm talking to the Grizz, what I realize at the heart of this is a love story.

You know, at the heart of this is a story about Lady Amelia and the Grizz and that their love is true. It's true. Well, he did mention money. Sure. Sex. Money was number three. And also survive. Love was number one. Sex was number two. And money was number three.

Yes. For me, space is number one. You don't find that a romantic ranking? What are you going to do with money out in space? Are you going to turn it into space bucks? Buy rocks. Can I ask? Now, here's an interesting question. Well, we'll be together then. Yeah, of course. Byron, knowing that you had faked Prince Philip's death,

using what you believed to be the corpse of the Grizz. Yes. Have you been trying to woo Lady Amelia as a new suitor? A new person or as Byron? Or as the Grizz? Have you been impersonating the Grizz? And if so, I'd like to hear how that's going. Well, no, I have been a new suitor, but rumor has reached my ears that Dalton Wilcox has been impersonating the Grizz. The man that he believed he killed.

to try and get close to him. Why would he do that? Because don't you all want the Grizz out of the way? We gotta get through. Is Dalton available? I have no idea. I have no idea where he is. Is Dalton around? Can we call him? I have been trying to present myself as a new suitor, but Dalton, who believed up until, well, still believes that he killed the Grizz,

Has sort of stepped into his shoes and tried to take his place to marry Lady Amelia. He literally stepped into my shoes. And you know what's funny is that my shoes is bigger than Dalton Wilcox's shoes. And so he's had his stuff newspaper in his toes. Wow. It's very funny. Wow. You can tell they're not his shoes. His feet are...

They look ridiculous on his body. Just ink-stained toes. That must infuriate Dalton Wilcox because newspapers are usually from the city. Yeah, he must hate that. He must hate all that city type. He would prefer just manure-strewn rags instead of newspapers, but that's all he could get. Kerosene-soaked shirts. You feel like the equivalent of newspapers for cowboys is manure-strewn rags. They get delivered on your porch every day. I mean, like that.

They're wanted posters and such in the old west. Well, did you see the manure-soaked rag today? Yep. Looks like it's going to rain. Well, look, we... This is...

an astounding development in the Byron Dunstan story and the Prince Philip story. And unfortunately we have to take a break. And the Gris story. Well, the Gris story continues on. That's perhaps the most astounding development of all. This, I will say based on the theme, this is a bit of a Grismas story. That's true. I mean, the Scrooge gang is ready. A Grismas carol? A Grismas carol? A Grismas carol. Well,

Well, we have to take a break, but can you guys stick around? Is that... Oh, I'll be sticking around. Okay, wonderful. I do have a tea later with Lady Amelia, but I can give you a little more time. Oh, I regret to inform you, Your Lordship, that tea has been cancelled.

She is a park ranger. She's one of our wonderful park rangers out there in our national parks. And last time we talked to her, she was up in the St. Louis Arch, which Byron and Jason, we mentioned, I believe, the last time you were on the show. And we'll see what's going on with her now. Please welcome back to the show, Marjorie Kershaw. Hi, Scott. Hey.

Thanks for having me. Happy anniversary. One, two, one, two. Yeah. Check one, two, one, two here. Thanks so much for being on the show. You remembered Jason. I don't know if you've ever met Jason. I don't think we have ever met. It's lovely to meet you, Marjorie. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. And of course, Byron Denniston, who's from merry old England. Yes, indeed. Hi. Hi.

You know, the Sheriff of Nottingham, etc. Yeah, yeah. Okay, great. Hi, nice to meet you. Pleasure, pleasure. Famous denizens of England, I'm lumping you in with. I've never been to the St. Louis Arch, but now I'm excited to visit it. Now that it's a national park, I wouldn't go if it was simply a thing. Oh, yeah. Gateway to the West. And of course, we have the Grizz here. I don't know if you've ever met the Grizz. Grizz, have you ever gone to the St. Louis Arch? No.

Never been, but it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, my lady. Nice to meet you. Well, Scott, I'm actually not at the Arch right now. No? Where? What's happened to you? I'm at arguably the jewel of the NPS, Yosemite. National Park System. That's right. Thank you. You're in Yosemite? I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

Didn't get transferred. Not working here. Just took my personal time to come out and look at it because, you know, it's been my dream for a long time. That's where you want to get to. That's where I want to get to. That's the big show. That's the game. I thought you'd been called up, but no, you're just there on... That's the big leagues? That's the big league. That's the old... So the arch is kind of AAA baseball? If that. Well, yeah, you know, I've been sort of...

I've been making a name for myself through some of the lesser parks, Jason. Got it. I started at Pinnacles in California, as I call them, the jazz hands of Central California. Sure. Then I was moved up to the Gates of the Arctic, least visited park in Alaska. Dry Tortugas in Florida, which is just a big fort. Then the Arch during COVID where you couldn't go in the elevator, but I'm here on my personal time at...

Well, I would say the best park in the system. The Crown Jewel. Yeah. The Crown Jewel. This is where you want to get, but you're just there on PT. Yep. Yep. Yep. And unfortunately, Scott, I did suffer a mild ankle injury just as I was going through the South Gate at Wawona Campground. You know, I say don't ever take a social trail, but there was a gum wrapper I wanted to get. Oh!

No! So what happened? You stepped on a pebble? Yeah, I just took a route the wrong way and Timber did I go. Just like a big old general. Tim Burton? Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland took me down. It started off great and interesting and then was terrible at the end. That's right. That's so far my experience here at Old Southgate. Oh!

You didn't like the fraptious day? Oh, caloo-calay. It didn't work out. I chortled with my not-joy in this situation. You didn't like the fly-a-wagon? No. Twas grilling and the slithy toves did. Oops, here I trip, I go. That'd be a fun prank for lumberjacks to play. They'd be like, Timber!

And then suddenly Tim Burton walks in and everyone's ducking and trying to get out of the way of trees. And instead of a lumberjack, it was Edward Scissorhands cutting down the tree. That would be funny. That would be funny.

Oh, well. Thank you. Better than the Scrooge gang? Wait, so Marjorie, are you like, are you down? Are you like out of commission? Do you need us to send help? Oh, wow. Are you broadcasting from within the actual park? Do you need help? Well, just barely within the park. You know, I didn't make it to Tunnel View. Haven't seen El Cap or Half Dome yet. Haven't gone on a hike.

to the Cathedral Lakes. Nope, just sitting here. Just can almost see the Grove of Sequoias. Just can almost barely glimpse it from where I am. But you can't see even an inch of it, can you? No. Because you're just still just in the gate. Just right within the gate. But the promise of it makes you happy. Oh boy, oh boy, I'm almost there. Mrs., is it true that Americans drive through trees there? Yeah.

Oh, well, not within the actual park. Do you have a drive-thru within a tree? There are drive-thru trees, but none of those exist within park boundaries. Is that good for a tree? No, no, certainly not. Certainly not. Oh, look who cares about living things all of a sudden. Yeah. Birds are in trees. Do you care about them, Byron? I like birds as long as their wings work and they don't snap.

Got a lot of rules. Just that one. So do you need assistance? Have any of the rangers come by and see you there? I've been trying to make some inroads. You know, I'm connected with all these folks on LinkedIn, but I just... Sure, but are they not refusing? Well, you know, Scott, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to spill any tea, but they are Yosemite Park rangers. So, you know, they're...

They're a bit of, you know, it's sort of like they're seniors and I'm a freshman. You know, they're a little bit untouchable. Okay. So if they came by, would you even let them know that you were hurt? Or would you try and be cool and play it off like everything's fine? I have so far. I've been trying to keep it very cool. Have they swung by? Have they driven by you? A couple people have driven by and say, hey, do you need any help? And I, oh, no, just getting rooted to the ground.

Just trying to... You should tell them you need assistance. Getting rooted to the ground? Just connecting. Just, you know, just trying to reconnect. Just trying to surf those frequencies. How long have you been out there? About 18 hours. But I have...

I, you know, always carry water. So I'm all right. So to be clear, you're not stuck. This is 127 hours type situation. You're at about an 18 hours time. This is just frozen, frozen by my own anxiety and pride. Just trying to make a good impression.

on these Yosemite Rangers. How far away are you from the car that you arrived in? So, well, I actually just got dropped off on a bus. Didn't splurge for renting a car. You know, just trying to make the most of my time out here. Yeah, you can't afford that on an elevator operator salary. No, no, no. Well, this is terrible, but... Oh, no, I meant

Here were Muir camped with Teddy Roosevelt and said, hey, ain't this a great idea? I mean, I'm right there. I'm almost at the valley floor. That famous John Muir quote. Hey, isn't this a great idea? Isn't that on a plaque at the beginning of the park? The mountains are calling and I must, hey, ain't this a good idea? Yeah.

How far away are you from the gate? Are you just near feet? There's three gates. So I am just within the South Gate at Wawona Campground. So I'm technically in the park. Just haven't seen any of its more resplendent views. But if you were to scooch back even like three feet, would you be outside of the park? I'd be out of the park. Okay, so you just made it right in. Just there. Number two. Yes. So let's talk about the Grizz.

Okay. So a little background. Again, Andy – you know, when I reach out and I say, hey, you know, Prince Philip just died. We should address it. That's about as far as our planning goes. Like Andy usually then takes it – this is what's true on the Andy episodes. Andy usually goes, yeah, we should. And then he goes off and thinks about it for a little bit and comes in with something and surprises us with it. Okay. So –

But all of the stuff about the Grizz and all that was all in the moment. So then how did you- And based on real things. Yes. That's Jason looking it up on Wikipedia going, I have big news, the Grizz, all that kind of stuff. So then, Paul, you were not planning on playing the Grizz. Is that correct? That's correct. I don't remember who I was going to play. I do. I do.

Because I would have told you, right? Well, also something else happened. You were playing Sheeble Knievel. Oh, yes, that's right. So here's how the Zoom episodes are put together. Everyone separately and on a show like this that has 10 people on it plus a band, everyone is recording their own audio in their own house. Right. And the geniuses here at Earwolf, Devin and Ryan and everyone. He means it in the good way.

Yeah, I was being, I actually was being sarcastic. Oh, the geniuses over here. Oh, I misread the situation. I apologize. No, they then have to stitch together 12 pieces of audio and make it sound like they're all happening at the same time. And everyone's audio is,

kind of, everyone has a different mic in a different room. And so everyone's like, is a varying qualities. And then they all make it all sound like as close as possible to the, to us being in the same room as possible. Now,

Everyone presses record at different times. And you, because you were one of the first guests on, you knew you were coming on right after Jason and Andy. You had pressed record before your entrance. Yes. And I muted my microphone. You muted your Zoom. So you guys couldn't hear me. Yes, I muted my Zoom. So you guys couldn't hear me. So we could not hear this. You were not on camera or anything. No.

but you were warming up doing your voice. Yeah. Cause I hadn't done it. I'd only done it once before. Once before. And so you were, so I listened to it. I went back and listened to a little bit of the episode so I could get the voice. And then I was practicing it out loud. And what is your catchphrase that you were saying? You're a rude young man. Yes. So you, you were like kind of going, you're a rude young man. And you, you were like warming up your voice and none of us could hear that while we were doing the show. Um,

So that was the character you were going to do. I bring that up simply because this is one of the few snafus, a.k.a. Situation Normal, all fouled up. I beg your pardon. I apologize. That happened on the show where when the guys put it together, they'll lay out the starting point for everyone's audio and they'll like mute certain sections of it.

But the episode got put out accidentally with your warmup unmuted. Yeah. And so the first people who listened to the episode right when it comes out, before we caught it about an hour in or something like that, an hour in, I started seeing people mentioning like, why are we hearing Paul saying you're a rude young man while the other people are talking? And then I didn't play that character. Yeah. It was very, I mean, I feel like-

I felt embarrassed, but I'm glad that you had a sense of humor about it to see like your warmup being revealed to the... I mean, it doesn't sound any different than what I do on the show. Yes, exactly. Anyway, so we, thankfully about an hour into it, we took that version down and re-upped the one where you were muted on it. But then let's talk about what actually happened. So we were, you were planning on doing that. And then we talked about the Grizz and...

And suddenly while we were talking, I get a text from you that says, hey, should I just play the Grizz? And I love those kind of surprises on the show. Neither Andy nor Jason had any idea that was going to happen. So I immediately rubbed back and said, yes, you should. And I said, just come in whenever.

And you found a perfect moment. I mean, just listening to it back, it is, it's, the whole thing sounds planned. It's like you picked the perfect moment to enter. It takes Andy, listening back to it, it takes Andy by surprise. Man, that was such, I remember his face when I started doing it. He doesn't quite know how to handle it. He's such a great improviser, but he is surprised to the point where he's a little like, oh, wait, what now? What is this happening? And then your voice is great.

And it's just one of the best moments. I also don't think I turned on my camera right away. Oh. I think I unmuted my mic and started talking. And so he was very confused. So he didn't even know it was you maybe. Yeah. So, yeah, just a great, great moment and a funny – I mean, it reminds me a little of last year's countdown when –

Sean, as Rudy, I think was talking about being, Cake Boss being his sponsor. And then I, to surprise him, I texted you like, can you hop on this Zoom right now and be Cake Boss? And you surprised him as playing Cake Boss. So it's, there were little funny things that we could do like that over Zoom where, that we couldn't do in the studio, where if you had been sitting here,

In the room, your communication of should I play the Grizz would have been apparent to Andy, but it truly was a surprise to Andy. Maybe, maybe not. That's true. Actually, in the studio, I probably would have just done it without asking you. Yes, which would have been fine too, but he at least would have known you were there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like about to do something or whatever. He wouldn't have thought, as he clearly did, that the real Grizz was somehow on the Zoom. Yeah.

Well, that was great. And then Jessica, obviously doing Marjorie stuck there is really funny. And so, yeah, great choice for number two, guys. But there it's there's another one still to come. There's an even better episode. Yeah, I know. I mean, technically, it's the best one, according to the people that voted, but it's number one.

It's number one. Like I just listened to three and two. What? I'm going to listen to number one. But look, we also have the snowman. We have the snowman game. Don't lose heart. Scott, I'm going to up the end. I'm going to say once again, we will in unison sign off with Jerry Springer sign off. That's right. So that is coming up as well. And do you want to up the ante? Do you want to raise the stakes for the snowman game? Okay. Monetarily. Yes. Okay. Whoever the snowman looks at.

I will personally pay $100 to. And if the snowman looks at no one? You give everyone $200. Oh, shit. If the snowman looks at no one, it's more likely to look at no one. Yeah, it is. Frankly, it is. But if it doesn't look at no one, if it does look at someone, that's so exciting. Shit. I got to, okay. If the snowman looks at no one.

What's the better way to do this? If snowman looks at no one, you donate $100 to charity. Fuck, I don't want to do that either. If the snowman looks at someone, you give that person $100 and then $100 to donate to charity. Okay. If the snowman looks at no one, I donate $100.

to the Snowman's charity of choice. Absolutely. Which will probably be to like extinguish the sun or something like that. Oh, God. If the Snowman looks at someone, I'll donate $100 to charity and to that person. Okay. And if it looks at me, I'm doing none of it. That makes sense. Okay. I can't argue with that. All right. When we come back, we'll have your episode number one. And the Snowman game conclusion. We'll be right back.

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Come out and play. Do you think, there's people that think that's a good movie. I still haven't seen. It's dumb. It's a reference that I've known my entire adult life. And yet I have never seen it. I saw it, I think, within the last five years. Oh, really? Maybe 10, but as an adult. And it's dumb. And it's not good? It's not good. Movies generally- But you know what? I will say this. It's worth seeing because it's weird. Yeah, okay. It's weird. It's worth seeing. Movies pre-2013 are pretty bad.

Movies pre-2013 are pretty bad and I don't like them. Go. Movies pre-2013 are pretty bad and I don't like them. And I wish that everyone who's in them were dead. Movies pre-2013 are not good and I don't like them. And I wish that everyone that was in them was dead.

That's what I did. Yeah, you just repeated what I said. No, but then I had to add more onto it. And I hope someone pisses on their graves. Movies before 2013 are pretty bad, and I don't like them, and I hope everyone that was in them is dead, and I hope someone pisses in their graves, and I wish that someone was me. Movies pre-2013 are not good. Oh my God, he's melting down.

And I don't like them. Oh, no. And I hope everyone in them is dead. Oh, no. And I hope someone pisses on their grave. And I hope that person is me. And it is. I'm doing it now. Oh, no. Shit. Shit.

Sorry. Why do we keep graves in here? Of all these people. It's scary. I meant to say this to you. We've been doing it for years. It's terrifying in here. It's crazy. Why are we doing this? It's freezing cold. There's cobwebs everywhere. Oh, God, Paul, we're here. Yeah. Can you believe it? We knew this would happen. We knew it would happen. I did it again. Lunch. Oh, you know what? I think that will help people. If they say lunch, I did it again.

Like, oops, I did it again? Lunch, I did it again? Yeah, I think it'll – because it's like I finished lunch, lunch, I did it again. What about – I did it again. Lunch, lunch.

Which do you think is going to be easier to remember to do every single time you have lunch? Well, I guess when you hear the word lunch, you'll think, I got to say lunch. I did it again. I think also when you think the word lunch, we want people to think the word, because they're always going to be announcing, I'm having a lunch now, like a king. I think that we want them to get to the point where they're thinking to themselves, I'm going to eat lunch. Like final bite, they should say to themselves, what did I just do? Oh yeah, lunch. I did it again. Here's what you need to do.

You need to think to yourself, what did I just do? But don't like... What did I just do? Lunch. When did I do it? Yeah, then. You don't have to... Again, you don't have to think the words, what did I just do? No. You should feel that. You should feel it. It's emotional. It's like if we could read minds, it would just be a jumble of like, once, this, beer, pussy. Oh, my God.

That was my dog. Once this beer pussy. I was like once saying, oh, I wish my dogs could talk because I would love to hear what they had to say to me. You know, and my dad was like, all it would be is a bunch of random just like food, food, food, food, food. Hey, Gary Larson, take it easy. He should collaborate with Morrissey, though. You've got to agree. Gary Larson, if you're listening to this, and I know you are. And I know you are. You have no idea.

- You have time on your hands. - He would be who could make Morrissey good again. - You guys are perfect for each other. - Don't you see, you fools? - How surprising would it be if they-- - If they got married? - Well, if they got married, yeah, all bets are off. - I mean, that would be-- - He's famously celibate. - Is Gary Larson married?

I don't know. Is he still celibate, Morrissey? Yeah, well, probably. Yeah. I mean, no, no, no, no. I thought there was a song where he was like slyly admitted he got a little. I'm not celibate anymore. I'm having some sex. And heaven knows. Guess what handjobs count. Okay, we got to get to it.

Yeah, let's eat our vegetables. This is your episode number one. Number one. Okay. Okay, I got to know. Got to know the stats and the deets. What do you think? Is it in the 600s or the 700s? I think it's in the 700s. Would it surprise you then to know it's episode 696? Yeah, I guess so because I said fucking 700s. Now I look like an idiot. Thanks a lot. Sorry to embarrass you like this. Fuck off. Fuck off. Logan Roy.

Why does he say his own name so much on the show? Logan Roy. Logan Roy. This is from March 8th, 2021. March 8th. So it's only been March for like a week and a day. Yeah, I can't. Is that right? Yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Yeah. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Twelve. Do you want to know the title? Yeah, I do.

This is an episode called Rather Good. Okay. Yes, that is our number one episode of the year, the episode called Rather Good. Let us name the participants. This has the aforementioned Gillian Jacobs. Correct. Finally, in a number one episode.

Hey, yeah. She's been in some great episodes in the past. Has never been number one. She's been in some great episodes, but this is exciting. She is in the number one episode of the year. This has Dionna Reason of her. I bit off more than I can chew with that one.

I ran out of breath very quickly in that. Deanna Reasonover is in this. This is her first time on the show, and she gets in the number one episode. Imagine that. This has Paul F. Tompkins. Me! And this has Neil Campbell. That's right. He of the rather good. The rather good catchphrase. Okay, so little background. I guess all you really need to know is Deanna and Gillian have a podcast together called Periodic Talks. And you brought them in after a little background dropped out.

Yep. I did a background check on them as well. Deanna is on NCIS. That is germane to the clip we're going to hear. Navy Criminal Investigation Services. She, we talk about, I think you hear this in the clip, we talk about what she plays on NCIS. And this episode...

I'm glad it's number one. It is. It's one of the few, especially during the Zoom era, when I would have to listen to them in full. A lot of times I don't like to listen to these back. But during the Zoom era, I had to dutifully listen to them all so we could edit them together correctly and make them cut out any of the weirdness of like, what'd you say? What'd you say? Right. And this is one where after, but after I was done, it was like, psh, psh, psh.

Don't want to hear it again until I have to do the best ofs. And this is one that Coolop started playing. And I like about three days after it came out,

And she was wandering around the house playing it. And I just found myself engrossed back in it again. And I listened to the entire thing with her. And we just sat there laughing at it. It's so funny. The interview is fun with both Gilly and Deanna. And then you come in. You have a great character. And then Neil comes in with another great character. And we're going to hear little sections of all of it.

I mean, it's number one. It deserves to have sections of all. Yes. You play – do you remember who you play? Was I Alamony Tony? No, you were Al A. Peterson. The Smooth Criminal. Very similarly named. He's the Smooth Criminal and we talk about that for a bit. And then Neil plays Alistair Brown, who I don't want to spoil for you, but he plays Alistair Brown. Yeah.

So we're going to hear a good chunk of this and a great episode. You chose it. So let's hear it. This is what you wanted. This is your number one. Number one. And Deanna, we have seen you in NCIS recently. Have you? Well, I mean, I'm not. Have you been to your grad school?

80 years old. All right. There you go. That's it. This is a show that deals with naval crime. Is that right? There's apparently rampant amounts of naval crimes happening. Are there standards of acceptance into the Navy so low that they just are taking wanton criminals? It's not the Navy. It's never the Navy. It's always surrounding the Navy. Where does the Navy have jurisdiction? Is it just like within 50 yards of a boat? What is this?

- I'm pretty sure they have land and sea jurisdiction. - Land and sea? - Oh yeah. - The Army and Air Force and Marines, they only have the land. - Oh yeah. That's the great thing about the Navy is that you think you can dive underwater and commit crime, you can't, 'cause we've got sea jurisdiction as well. - Seems like there's a lot of scenes that take place on docks, is that fair to say?

Not as many as there used to be. You know, COVID has really wreaked havoc on our doc work. It's been very difficult. Is everyone just taping it in their houses and splicing the footage together or what? I would love that. I would absolutely love it. I have a cat who's constantly begging for attention, so I would love her to appear on screen.

And what part do you play on this show? I'm there. Okay, so let's list the kinds of parts that are on this show. You have the brash investigator who thinks first. Not that. No, acts first. Acts first, thinks later. Yes, not that. Not me. Not you. Okay. You have the wry, sarcastic co-star who's there to kind of add a quip or two whenever a dead body turns up. Ooh, very close, but also not me. And then you have a computer nerd. Ding, ding.

You found me. Did the glasses tip you off? Yeah, absolutely. Real life nerd in other ways. Fake TV computer nerd. I see. So it's essentially you staring down at a computer for long stretches of time and saying like, the guy ripped off the naval handkerchiefs.

Is is outside of the area where we can track him. Is that essentially what you do? Well, I feel like I OK, so she does do some computer work. I feel like I shortchanged her and NCIS are going to be fans are going to be really mad because they're going to say McGee's the computer nerd. So I feel like I should have let you have another guess at exactly who I am.

Oh, okay. So wait, there's already a computer nerd. Yes. And you thought you were a computer nerd. So you are on a few computers every once in a while. Yeah. I need computers to do my work, but I wouldn't qualify myself. Okay. IT person? Computer technician? Mm-mm. Guy who comes in and fixes? Nope. Not yet. Not the fixer. Huh. You usually have like a brainy person in the lab who's looking at evidence? Okay. That's me. Yeah. That is you. That's me. Yes.

Okay, so you're like pouring vials out into the sink going, oh, this DNA is old. Yeah, this DNA is so old. I can't tell what it is. It's too old and corrupted. Someone call Bones. You know what? One of our writers actually used to work for Bones and I did. The real Bones?

The real Bones. And I several times have asked him to please put a Bones joke in the script and he won't do it. Isn't that weird that David Boreanaz, if you take out a bunch of the letters in his last name, it spells Bones. But he didn't play Bones. Oh. I just had to pause because you blew my mind. I never thought about that. Isn't it weird? Do you think about this a lot? Hell yeah. This is the first time it's come up on this show. It's a daily thing for me.

Anyway, Gilly, you ever be on that NCIS? Not yet. Emphasis on yet. Would you go, like your offer only, I'm imagining, when it comes to something like NCIS. What kind of part would you accept on that? Ooh, this is such a great question, Scott. Thank you so much. I think that perhaps I would like to play, hmm,

Ooh, maybe, hmm, I could be a witness. Gillian, by the way, is looking around like it's a beautiful mind, just looking at the possibilities flashing in front of her face. So many different types of roles. See the thought bubbles? Perhaps a witness? A witness? A witness to what?

A naval crime. Hey, that's right in their wheelhouse. Yeah. Witnesses only get like one scene. We can start a spinoff with you. Usually a witness. Okay, here's I think the formula for these shows. Go to the obvious culprit first. Okay. They say...

I was never even there. Find out a piece of evidence that places them at the scene. Okay. Go back to the person. They say, okay, I was there, but not for the reason that I lied because I'm actually having an affair and I didn't want it to come out. I was there, but I didn't do it. Then it's pointing towards someone that all of the evidence finally points to. And then it comes back around. The first person actually did it. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, actually. Okay.

You can do NCIS Burbank. I think that you can officially write that if you want. So who am I? Am I the person? Yeah, you're the person. Look, you're going to be the biggest star on the episode. And whomever is the biggest star on the episode always did it because they want that juicy scene at the end where they're like, oh, of course I did it. You got me. Okay, I'll do that. Sure. I thought the ocean would wash all the DNA away. Yes. Yes.

Great. That's me. That's me. That's totally you. Can I hear a little bit of that monologue? Okay, sure. Is this my, this is the final monologue? Final monologue where they're about to slap the Navy cuffs on you? I don't know whether you have different equipment. Yeah, water cuffs we call them. What I was going to say. They're ice. They just freeze them. All right, you got me.

Thought I could get away with it. Thought the water would wash away the evidence. Thought you'd never figure it out. Thought I erased all the tapes. Those darn forensic scientists got me just when I thought I got away with it. Is that it? Yeah, that was pretty good. All right. Not bad. That was it. What if we added a level to it where...

I'm not quite sure who your character is. Not McGee. McGee adjacent? Deanna, what's the name of your character? Casey. Casey. Is that a K and a C or is that C-A-S-E-Y? That's K-A-S-I-E. Okay. They're just getting tricky with this. Okay, but say you're...

Say you're Casey's best friend. Oh, no. Betrayal. Betrayal. All right. Try to add that wrinkle there. Now you're talking to... Casey is the one who actually uncovered the crime because she was in her lab. She, like, was in her home lab. And you left a piece of evidence in your room or, like, in the fridge in the common area. You want a little lead in for you, Gillian? Please, please. Great. Marta, how could you do it? Casey...

I can't believe this. I knew you were a forensic genius, but I didn't know you were this smart. I had to. You don't understand. I had to. They were after me, and they said if I didn't do it, then they were going to get me. And I've learned so much from you as my best friend that I knew all the tricks, how I could get away from it, but I didn't realize that you had new forensic technology that would catch me. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Take her away, Poseidon. And then he rises from the deep. Of course, yeah. He has the ultimate jurisdiction over the sea, of course, as we know. Stabs you in the butt with that little pitchfork. Oh! Ow! He is more commonly known as the smooth criminal. Please welcome back to the show, Al A. Peterson. Scott, thank you for having me back on the show. It's a pleasure to see you again.

It's a pleasure to have you. This is Gillian. This is Deanna. Hello, ladies. How do you do? Much better now. Thank you. So that's those low rumbles are having an effect on my other guests, Sal. People do enjoy my voice. It's true. They don't. I think it I think it compensates for my appearance, which, of course, is somewhat grotesque as I am completely hairless.

What? Well, Allie Peterson suffers. Let me step into the light. Oh, my. Yes, as you can see, I am completely hairless. Why are you nude? To prove my point. Okay, well, you've proven it. Please put on some cargo shorts. All right, I will put on, at your request, some cargo shorts. And a tank top, maybe at least. I do not have a tank top. I can't put on this hoodie.

Thank you very much. Al, you suffer from the ailment commonly known as alopecia. Is that correct? Well, that is actually not true. If you'll recall, Scott, I faked alopecia to get out of a long-term relationship. That's right. I'm sorry. I've forgotten already. So I have shaven myself from head to toe, and I continue to do so out of respect for a love lost relationship.

So there's no current reason why you should be doing this because you faked the relationship with what was her name again? I did not fake the relationship. Faked the illness to get out of the relationship. Yes, I did. A quick summation. I know that, Scott, you need this every time. I was in a long term relationship with my college sweetheart, Carla Furr.

I got cold feet when it seemed that we'd been together long enough that the marriage question was going to come up. And so in a terrible, terrible fit of misjudgment, assumed that she would break up with me if she discovered I had alopecia. But I misjudged Carla first. She is a bigger person than that. She's not she's not a shallow person. So I had to I had to face my own

frankly, and leave the relationship with, unfortunately, her favorite hoodie. And she has been hunting me to this day. But in the meantime, I have helped other people get out of tricky situations by means of my business, which is, of course,

to help you fake your own death. So you help people fake their deaths, not alopecia. Did you start, you know, having people fake alopecia first? No, but if you'll recall, step one in faking your own death is you shave your entire body. Except the anus, is that right? Except you retain the hair around your anus to keep some sense of your own identity private to yourself. Sure. Yes. Yes.

So that is step one and then step two and three and everything we've gone through many, many times. Fake passports, fake driver's license, all that stuff. But you must, must, must shave your entire body first. Right. Can we go backwards a little bit to the romance with Carlifer? Do you have any questions about that, Gillian or Deanna? You're currently wearing the hoodie without a shirt on underneath. That's right.

I just wanted to ask the feeling of a... Does it feel like I'm having her on my flesh? Yes, of course. No, no, no. I was going to ask the feeling of a zipper. I really jumped the gun there.

dislike the feeling of a zipper just on your sternum without a shirt there? I like, I actually enjoy the cold sensation. I enjoy the warmth of the hoodie with that one thin line of cold on my sternum, especially because I'm hairless. It's the sort of pleasure pain principle. Aren't you worried that, you know, the smell of carlifer is no longer going to be on the hoodie if you wear it, you know, next to your bare skin?

Oh, I see what you're saying, Scott. I see what you're saying, but you're wrong. Because I am completely hairless, her scent is retained in the body. Oh, smell is on the hair. Smell is on the hair, as Lady Miss Keir once sang. Ha ha ha.

I'm a little confused about timeline here. Sure. So you were in the relationship and then you started faking alopecia? Yes. Did you do it suddenly? Did you gradually shave? Was it a subtle? It was extremely suddenly. I shaved one night. She was asleep. I crept into the bathroom. I shaved my entire body, standing over the toilet so all the hair would go down. I could flush it easily. And I crept back into bed.

and waited for her to discover, well, she's a heavy sleeper. And so in the morning I had to shout, oh no, I seem to have contracted alopecia overnight. This woke her up. Oh, it woke her up? It woke her up and she immediately professed sympathy and wanted to take care of me. And I realized, oh no, I have made a grave mistake.

And so she went into the bathroom to see if there were any sort of anti-alopecia unguents or salves that we had in the medicine cabinet. And I took that opportunity to grab the first piece of clothing available, her hoodie, and jump out the window. So you defenestrated. I did. Oh, my goodness. I used the hoodie as a sort of parachute.

Did you wrap it around your fist to break the glass open or did you? I just opened the window. Why would I? Oh, I see. Oh, yeah. I want Carla to knock the deposit back on the apartment. Have you ever found yourself in another relationship? No.

I have forbidden myself to be in other relationships. I've come close. And of course, I've had one million one night stands. One million. I mean, that's a that's a that's a rough estimate. It's a guesstimate. How long have you been away from Garlifer? Well, let's see. That happened when I was 25. I am now years old. Forgive my vanity. But about 50.

About that, yeah. Can I ask, where do you advertise your services? I advertise my services, of course, on the dark web, the Silk Road, the Penny Saver, Miss Connections, very carefully worded Miss Connections. Have you ever gotten any of those one night stands out of that accidentally? No.

most of my one night stands are people misreading the artfully worded misconnections. Can we hear one? Can we hear one? Sure. Yes. You wanting to fake your own death. The guy who could do it. I mean, it's intriguing as far as I'm concerned. I would call it up. Suddenly just things happen and

Your bodies are tangled up. I get it. Yeah. Wow. One time I was able to have a one night stand with a woman who is also completely hairless by choice. And it was, it was a magical night. I just want to say that two completely hairless mole rat like bodies. Wow.

It's... It seems aerodynamic. It was aerodynamic. It's the fastest sex I've ever had. Like three seconds and you're done? It was extremely efficient. Like cucumbers mingling in a bowl. Oh, that's... Please, Yana. You're getting me all worked up over here. Wow. And Carlifer, how did she get that name?

Aren't you interested in that, Gilead and Indiana? I think I may have told you this before. I'm not sure. It's not ringing any bells. Carlifer, the name comes from both her parents' names, Carl and Jennifer. They named her Carlifer. And I thought it was a, although I loved Carlifer to the moon and back, I thought it was a clever name. But did you, though? I did. The problem was, Gilead, I didn't love myself enough.

Have you ever written a song about your feelings of guilt and remorse? All the time. I don't know. Gillian, I feel like we were going to get to the bottom of this Carlifer thing. Oh, sorry. Which might be my favorite part. It's funny. It seems that most people are not as interested as you are, Scott, in the origin of Carlifer's name. I feel like we figured it out, though, right? Combining the parents' names. There you go. Carl and Jennifer. That's it. It's a clumsy poor man-toe.

And you told them as much. Well, I told Carl, Carlifer's father. This was early. And please, Scott, stop me if you've heard the story before. This was early in our relationship. And Carlifer invited me to her parents' house for dinner. And I was meeting them for the first time. Carl was a spineless, sniveling worm.

Jennifer was a vermouth drunk. She was an alcoholic, but only with vermouth. Oh, okay.

She was in the kitchen probably on her third bottle of vermouth of the night. May I ask? I'm sorry. What is vermouth? I don't know. Vermouth is a mixer commonly used in martinis. You pour it out. It's a low amount of alcohol. Yeah. Okay. So you have to drink quite a bit. Quite a bit to get drunk. But she developed a taste for it. She certainly did in the most terrible way possible. Dry or sweet? Sweet.

I think for her it was Eddie. She'll take all comers. If it ends in mouth, put it in my mouth. Okay. There, truth. Mouth, mouth. Truth, mouth. So I was stuck in the living room with Carl as Jennifer was upstairs getting ready for dinner, making herself even more beautiful as if that were possible. And

I remember saying to Carl, shaking his hand and saying, "Carlifer is a clumsy portmanteau." As I was doing so, I was forcing him to crouch before me by the sheer force of my handshake. And he thanked me for telling him it was a clumsy portmanteau. Like the sniveling worm he was. Like the sniveling worm he was.

But we do need to get to our next guest. He is an art critic. Please welcome for the first time on the show, Alistair Brown. Thank you for having me, Scott.

Oh, it's my pleasure. This is Gillian. Oh, wow. You're getting a round of applause. I guess critics are not used to that. Not really. No. You're used to giving those out, though, to art that you like. Is that right? Sure. Yes. I offer kudos. Great. Great. And if you were to go see a Broadway play, it's customary to clap at the end of those.

Certainly. Yes. And that act breaks as well. Sure. I don't know if that's the type of art that you cover. No, I specialize in the visual arts and painting. Oh, okay.

I thought maybe I'd come on your program and talk about some of my favorite paintings. And, you know, some of your listeners could learn a thing or two about art. All right. So we've cleared the table and now we're all set for the meal that is Alistair Brown. So I'll describe a painting. Your listeners can Google it, look up an image, and I'll sort of talk about it a bit. Oh, okay. Sure. So do you want us to Google things while you're talking? Sure. Yes. Unless you're driving. Okay. And if you're... Okay. Okay.

So if you first let's get a Paul Cezanne's boy in a red vest. I'm picturing it right now. If you could just picture it. Boy in a red vest. Boy. I'm picturing a little boy and he's wearing a red vest. Yes. And if you look at this painting, one thing you may notice about it is that the use of color is rather good. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it is very striking. He's using some brighter colors that one does not normally see. Yes, it's rather good. I agree. Yes. Moving on. Perhaps we could talk about... Moving on to a different painting. That's it? Yes. I was going to talk about Van Gogh's

Wheatfield with crows. Okay. So you look up wheatfield with crows. One thing, and not many people always pick up on this, but if you'll notice the brushwork in it is rather good. Okay. The meaning, his strokes, his, how long they are. No other way to put it. Rather good.

Good. Okay. Well, hold on now. Wait a minute. Now, Wheatfield is actually a series of paintings. It's not just one. Yes, but the first one you see, the brushwork is rather good. Okay. Should we compare Van Gogh to Cezanne? I mean, Cezanne had a much different style because he was a post-impressionist. That's true. That's true. And his use of color, well, that was one thing they have in common. Yeah.

His use of color and his brushwork are both... Can only be put as good, rather. So they don't have it in common. Their brushwork is not something they have in common. No, just the only way to describe it. The quality of their two things. Much like in a Frida Kahlo's girl with a death mask. Oh, okay. Her use of symbolism is rather good. Like what? What symbolizes what in that? Oh, the amount...

And the specificity. How much, if you had to quantify it, how much symbolism is she using in this painting? Yeah, percentage-wise and then by volume. I would say 97%, and I guess that puts it at seven liters. All right. I mean, this guy knows what he's talking about. I...

I don't want to sound nitpicky and, you know, I'm not an expert in anything really, but it just, it feels like these are a little bit of surface analyses. Really? I'm not, I mean, maybe I don't know anything about art, but this is opening my eyes. Yeah, I can describe some more. Maybe that'll get, oh, yeah. Okay. I need...

Sorry, I'm chuckling. I'm thinking of Andy Warhol's soup can paintings. They do make me laugh. Why? Why? Well, the use of humor is rather good. What was it, if you could say, what is it that's so funny about these soup can paintings? Oh, it's a painting that...

It uses humor. Just the quality of the humor is what makes it so fun. Yes, the quality of the humor shines through. Because if it were a bad quality of humor, that would not be funny. No, it would be grim.

You'd be crying, perhaps. Yes, yes. Much like when I watched Grimm, I would be crying. The TV show Grimm with two M's? Yes. Why were you crying during Grimm? I was worried the monsters would win. Ha ha ha!

Did you cry for every episode? Most, everyone, yes. What about the finale? The series finale? I mean, the monsters didn't win in that, did they? No, no. But again, usually at the second act break, I'm in tears. But even after repeated episodes where the monsters did not win, you were still concerned. That was the genius of Grimm. But I'm saying eventually you would catch on that the monsters are not going to win.

Were you worried that just like 12 minutes into one of the episodes, they would win and the entire show would be shut down? Yes, frequently. I would always check the TV guide listings to see if the next show is beginning at 8.12. How did you get into art, into your appreciation of art?

I don't know. I've just always been a fan, I suppose. Do you remember the first time? I've been to a museum. You've never been to a museum? Oh, no, I've never been to a museum. Oh, where are you seeing these pieces at? JPEGs. And why, can I ask, why have you not gone to a museum? Do you not live near one? No, no. Yes, I live on the Washington, Idaho border.

There are museums there, actually. In Newport, Washington, where my street address is. Or in Old Town, Idaho, where the back of my house is. There's not a museum anywhere around. Well, I mean, maybe you don't live next door to one or inside of one. But I mean, just a short trip, you could actually get to one. Sure, go to Spokane if my dad would drive me, but he won't.

Wait, how old are you? 27. And you can't drive? I know, I've never learned how to drive. Wait, they didn't offer it at all.

Newport High School, go Grizzlies. You could learn. As an adult, you can still learn. Sure, but I don't have a car anyway, so it's a moot point. But your father does have a car. My father has a car, but he uses it for his business. What's his business? Do you mind? He's a house painter.

Oh, so he doesn't use it during his job. He just uses it to get back and forth. Do you have a car or a truck? A truck. A truck. With ladders and paint cans. Right. Oh. The usual accoutrements. The usual accoutrements. Did those cost extra? Yes. Factory standard.

The cans? Okay, never mind. Okay. If you were to learn to drive, maybe, you know, your dad would maybe gift you a car or you could buy your own car? I don't think so. He's rather upset with me. Why? Because I haven't joined the family business. Oh, he wants you to be a house painter. Yes, but I... But you said but I, and then you just kind of trailed off. Well, I was upset. At what? At my...

My father has a business, Brown House Painting, after our last name, but people get confused.

And they think he'll only paint your house one color. I always say you should change the name of the company. But he won't do it. We have terrible rows. Are there any people that think that he will only paint brown houses and paint them in a different color? Paint them in any color, yeah. Another misunderstanding that could prevent business. Yes, there are several different misunderstandings, but none of them leave to customers wanting to hire him. They're...

Right. He'll only repaint a brown house that he'll only paint. Oh, different colored, different colored house brown. But what is his first name? His first name? Guther.

Gutham. Gutham. Gutham Brown. But he could literally paint a house that was brown and he could paint a house brown. He does get a little bit of work doing that. Sure. He always shows up and goes, what color do you want? They laugh. They go, well, brown, obviously. Has he thought about any sort of advertisement or even painting something on the truck that says we do all colors?

Yes. I mean, he hired a town crier once, but he didn't. Who walked through the town square ringing a bell? Yes, ringing a bell. Through Old Town, Idaho? Through Old Town, Idaho, right into Newport, Washington. Now, let me ask you something. Across the Pend Oreille River. Alistair. Just walked across the river? Sorry, go ahead. Well, he was on the Thompson Memorial Bridge, but yes. Oh, okay.

Are you crying, Al? I'm getting a little emotional thinking of walking down a bridge with Carlyle. Let me ask you something, Alistair. Oh, I hope it's about the works of Georges Seurat. It isn't, but may I ask the question anyway? Yes. Yes. You said you haven't gone into your father's painting business, and this is not to impugn your art criticism, but...

How do you make a living? I was going to ask that as well. Do you earn any money from your criticism? No, I've earned zero money. I'm a dependent on my father's tax forms. Have you shared your views with any other people or are we the first people to hear your views on this art? I've published quite a few Facebook posts. Oh, okay. Analyzing the works of various artists. How many friends do you have on Facebook? Let's see, my dad...

That's nice. My aunt. Oh, your aunt. What does she do? She runs the business that ferries people across the Pend Oreille River in a rowboat back and forth if they don't want to use the bridge. Sorry, what? Rowboat. She takes a rowboat and gets people from one side of the river to the other if they don't like using bridges. How popular is her business? It doesn't seem like there'd be a lot. Oh, unpopular. Unpopular.

So does that lead to arguments with her? No, I don't want to forsake any birthday or Christmas gifts. So I say, I hope it's going well. I have a question. Yes. Seemingly unrelated. Do you believe monsters are real? Is that why you're so afraid watching Grimm?

I didn't until I began watching it. And then I thought, there's no way those could be special effects. So you are aware of the concept of special effects. Yes. But you feel that the special effects on Grimm are so good that they must be real monsters. Exactly. Couldn't have put it better myself. That was rather good. It's visual art.

So do you hope to be paid for your criticism? Oh, yes. Yes. I'm writing a big paper on Jacob Lawrence on his works. And what would you say about his work? Oh, street and barrier. Just the use of paint is rather good. The fact that he used paint. Yes. I have a question. I kind of want to dig a little bit. I'm an actor. It's interesting to me that you are an art critic, specifically painting. Have you ever criticized your father's painting?

I must admit that I have. What did you, what was your criticism? What did you say about it? Well, I once looked at one of the houses he painted and I said, and he said, well, what do you think? You know, he asked the question. He opened up. Why were you there? And I said, well,

I was just doing my afternoon skip around the neighborhood. And I happened upon a house he was paying. That happens every afternoon? Every afternoon I do a skip around the neighborhood. How long does that take usually? Oh, I would say about half a grim, so 30 months or so.

And I was doing half a grim with commercials. Half a grim in real life or half of you're afraid it's 12 minutes grim? No, no, no. Half of a full grim that I've endured the entire thing. And...

I came upon a brown house he was painting. Did it used to be brown or this was a brown house he was painting? It used to be snow colored and then he had painted it brown. So white. White. And he did the final... Did you say snow colored out of your love for the show Grimm? Yes. I said, this is akin to snow. And he said...

He said, I did his final stroke. And he said, well, what do you think? So you happened to skip by on his final stroke. On his final stroke, yes. They said, what do you think? And I said, I would not describe it as rather good. Oh, that must have cut him to the quick. So we had quite an argument and stuff. So an argument followed, right?

Yes, yes. It did not precede my harsh words. It ensued. What would you say disqualified your father's house painting job from the rather good category? Too much paint on the window panes. Oh. How much? That's fair. What percentage in by volume? Percentage-wise, I'd go...

74 volume. Oh, that's too much for a window. Even 1% is not a big deal. He doesn't use tape. He just has pink hands and ladders. He just eyeballs it? Yeah. On a window? Oh, God. Oh, by the way, I just got an email, and it's from both Gillian and Deanna's parents. What? My mom? Yeah. My mother? Yes, yes. It says that...

You guys are like Sarah. Huh? Wow. How so? Yeah, what does she mean by that? Each of you is a wonderful daughter. Wow. Oh, I get it. I got it. Pointillism. Interesting. Rather good. Number one. Okay. Okay, let's get something out of the way first. Yeah. This was number one. And you chose it. And you chose it. Okay.

This was on Zoom and yet still was episode number one. How about it? It doesn't feel like a Zoom episode to me. It really just feels like we're all- I'm going to say- Scott, shut up. I'm going to say that most of the Zoom episodes do not feel like Zoom episodes to me when I would listen to them. That's good. They felt like the show. They didn't feel like that much different. I know that other people, maybe it felt more different to them, but I wonder how much of that is-

just knowing that, do you know what I mean? And projecting onto it. Well, even now when we do the episodes with Jason and Andy over Zoom, they still, they don't feel like Zoom episodes to me. And that's a tribute to not only the people on the show, but also to the tech team here. Yes, the producers and the engineers. Yeah. Yeah. And we'll break down some stats about that a little bit later. Oh, fuck yes. After we talk about the episode. Oh, I can't wait to break down those stats. But yeah,

Yeah, just constant laughs throughout the entire episode. And then Neil's character. We should talk about Neil's character. So Neil comes in with these... He's very expert at these emotionally stunted weirdo characters. A little too expert, if you ask me. And they tend to have, if I may be bold, to say... Fortune favors the bold. They tend to have very thin premises. But that said, he is very...

at then coming up with escalations and building upon them. And then he has...

You know, these escalations in his back pocket sometimes that he trots out like halfway through. You know, the whole painting, his dad painting houses, the brown house painting stuff. I truly, I should ask him, but I don't know whether that was just in the moment or that was something that he was like, oh, okay, if I run out of steam, I can bring this up. But most of his characters have some sort of weird little thing. Like the one...

We did with Andy Sandberg a little later in the year where he's the question seeker or the answer seeker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had the escalation of working at his –

working at his bullies business. Um, and, and he, and, and you listen back and you notice he's seeding it throughout earlier. Cause he's mentioning this certain product several times early in his appearance. And then he trots it out of like, Oh, well I actually worked there. So, so it wouldn't surprise me if the Brown house thing was something that he was, had planned out, but it also would knowing him, it would not surprise me if that was something that he just came up with in the moment. Um, he's great. Um,

One of the things about Neil's characters that's, I think, interesting in comedy is that they are guileless. Yes. They don't have an agenda. They're never cynical. They're just like – they're all these dudes who are like, I'm presenting my thing, which I think is nice. What do you think? Yeah. And then they always have some weird thing. They're not angry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just purely like, this is my deal. And –

And I also don't think, like a lot of people doing these types of characters would know they're weirdos and would have been made fun of a lot or something that would affect them. And Neil's characters are usually like, they're just very into their thing. And yeah, so that, I mean, this whole episode was great. And that was, you just heard a half hour chunk of it, but the whole thing is really good. So great pick for number one. Guys, you did it. And that was pretty much,

At a certain point in the countdown, the number two was number one. The 12th anniversary, at a certain point in the voting, it edged up over rather good. But for most of the voting, rather good just kind of ran away with it. Congrats to rather good. Congrats to rather good. All right. Do you want to break down some stats? Yeah. First, I just want to say to everybody who voted for number one, congrats. It is obviously the most disappointing part of the countdown, but I hope you're happy.

Neil, by the way... Okay. Is this a different guy now? Neil, by the way. Yes. Neil, by the way. Who's this? Neil, by the way. He'd kill us if he had the chance. So that is Neil's only appearance on the countdown. But...

He almost had three on the countdown because the other two episodes he did this year were episode 16 and 17. Wow. So he almost had three. But let's break down the stats of who appeared on the countdown. Oh, yeah. So the people who had one episode were Neil, Edie Patterson, Ben Rogers, Jamie Lee, Phoebe Bridgers, Drew Tarver, Bob Odenkirk, Griffin Newman, Phoebe Robinson, Casey Fay, Mike Hanford, Lauren Lapkus, Deanna Reasonover, Jessica McKenna.

Casey Wilson, Katie Rich, and Manchester Orchestra. They all appeared in one episode in our countdown. Appearing on two episodes, Will Hines and Gillian Jacobs. Will Hines could have juked his stats up. Could have juked them stats. But he didn't appear on any of the anniversary episodes for whatever reason. He was busy during those. That's right. Big mistake. Big mistake.

I actually looked at them again and was like, Will wasn't on those? And no, he was busy when we recorded those separate episodes. Busy not getting on the countdown. Exactly. With three episodes, we have Carl Tartt, Tim Baltz, Dan Lippert. Dan Lippert, very strong showing for Dan this year. Very strong showing for Dan, yeah. Relative newcomer to the show. Relative newcomer. Very good stuff. You can hear a lot of his stuff at biggrandepodcasts.com. So funny. Absolutely worth it.

Absolutely worth it. Worth your time. Worth a peek. Appearing on four episodes in the Countdown, we have Ego Wotum, Lily Sullivan, and Sean Diston. Shout out to Lily Sullivan. Perfect time to do it. Appearing on five episodes of the Countdown, we have Jason Manzoukas, Andy Daly, and John Gabrus. And appearing on six of the top 15, we have Paul F. Tompkins as our champion this year. Oh fucking A.

Suck it, all of you fucking pieces of shit. You know, he always says it every year. We're just waiting for it. It's just a little tradition. That's all. Okay, so when the voting came in, I was interested of like, because it was pretty, the year was split into two halves, half on Zoom, half off Zoom.

And when we were off Zoom and back in the studio, a lot of the fans were like, breathed a sigh of relief of like, oh, finally they're back on studio. It feels more like the show again. I hope they all get COVID. So no one said that. A lot of people, they said it to me. A lot of people said to me, I hope you all get COVID now that you're back in the studio. So I was interested in like, oh, what's the, surely most of the ones they voted on are going to be studio episodes. Yeah.

Out of the 15, six in person, nine on Zoom. There you go. So there you go. Unlike most years, every month was represented. Oh, wow. That's interesting. Yeah. There were certain months that were – in previous years, there would be like one or two months you'd have none on the best of and you'd go, oh, we had to slump that episode. I'll say it.

um but yeah and uh but yeah and uh that's about all but yeah i meant to say that's about all the stats i have i look down saying surely i have more stats no and before i forget um i think that proves that uh even a pandemic cannot stop comedy bang bang man cannot stop will not stop um

Before we play the snowman, just a few words about the show this year. First of all, I want to thank our producer, Devin Bryant, who just started with us, I believe, in January. Was that your? Yes. Okay. So thank you so much for coming on board. Obviously, we knew each other beforehand, but you worked on other shows. Obviously. Thank you so much for coming on to produce this. I also want to thank Ryan Connor. He's over there as well.

He is putting together the show every week and editing it and putting filters on and putting funny sound effects in. Sometimes we don't want him to. We're like, can you take all the boing sounds out? A lot of boings. He's like, I think every joke should have a boing sound. And we're like, no, man, come on, take all these out. I do agree with that. I think it's just the boings when you go to break that I don't like.

Also want to thank July Diaz because he writes all the descriptions for us. And he listens to every episode. What is he doing with his life? Come on, July. Get your shit together. Stop doing this. Come on, July. Stop listening to this.

I want to thank Colin and everyone at Earwolf and very excited that we're still here at Earwolf so many years later. Eleven and a half years in, I believe. Dang. Something like that. That's a long time. I feel like we were the first Earwolf podcast. I don't know why I would think that, but it feels like it's true. Wasn't it Adam Curry? That's right. Adam Corolla. The Curry and Corolla together again.

Also want to thank Brett Morris over at CBB World. We started that in October and, you know, check the stuff that we're doing. Before you wreck the stuff that you're doing. Before you wreck the stuff you're doing. Check out that stuff over at CBB World. There's a lot of – I've talked about it enough on this. But if you like what you're hearing here, we go even deeper into it over there. I mentioned the Speed Force Thanksgiving special. Yeah.

Lily Sullivan show. Lily Sullivan show. We have Andy Daly has a weekly show. Oh, man, that show is so great. Sprague, The Whisperer, and I do a movie show every week. Also great. And we have a lot of stuff coming out. So check that out over there. I want to thank all of our guests. And like I mentioned earlier, especially during the pandemic, it got to be a very like sort of tighter knit group of people.

who were available to do the show. And I appreciate them keeping it going the entire time and agreeing to do more episodes than I think they would normally do during the year. And that of course extends to you, Paul. Thank you so much for, for being the most important guest that we have. I don't know, at least to me, maybe.

Let's see what else. Yes. And some of – I want to thank the listeners. That's right. I was like, where the fuck did I leave my place? Thank the listeners. Some of you have been listening for 12 years. Some of you have been listening for 12 minutes. I don't know why you started 12 minutes ago in the – Yeah. So you fast-forwarded to 12 minutes ago? Yeah.

But the last two years, I definitely think the last two years have probably been the most difficult to do the show in. And probably even when I was doing the television show and only had an hour to do it every week, this still feels more difficult for us. And I'm sure it feels more difficult for you in your life. So hopefully this has provided some sort of solace to you. And...

Yes. Thank you for your enthusiasm for the show. You know, from the fans to the performers, it really does keep it going.

And I know we said this last year. I'm sure we did. But the next year will be better for everyone. It will. We'll keep saying it until it comes true. And then we'll be right. Scott, I just want to say for my part, I love doing this show. And I've said it many times before and I'll say it many times again. I count the hours that I've spent doing your show among the happiest of my life. So thank you for having me and thank you for being such a good friend. Thank you so much. We are...

Going to end the show in a second. And I do want to play one of Manchester Orchestra's songs because they made it to the countdown. So we'll end the show with that. But before we do that, boy, it's time. And there's money on the line at this point. This is a snowman game like none we've played before. And whatever charity is out there hoping to get $100, it's on the line right now. Oh, man. Can you imagine giving a...

A charity, $100 at Christmas time? Can you imagine? They are going to be so excited. Have you ever seen a charity say thanks before? All right, now we left the snowman in his previous position. He's looking over Ryan's... Looking at the monitor in there. The switcheroo gang did it again. They did it again. Was this because of the bet? Okay, they switched seats.

Maybe trying to game out where he's going to look. And I mean, they're actually, they're sitting pretty close to each other considering like it's, you know, I, well, it's got to be direct. It's got to be direct. It's got to be direct. So even if it splits the diff between them, it doesn't matter. Exactly. It's got to be direct. All right. All right. Where's his fat little hand? His fat little hand's over there. This is exciting. Remember, $100 goes to whomever the snowman looks at. And if he looks at no one, when

100 goes to charity. And if he looks at someone, 100 goes to charity as well. And if he looks at me, I'm not giving anything to anyone. Nothing happens at all. Here we go. This is exciting. Here we go. He's looking. But the corn. First spin. First spin, he is looking right at Devin. Looking right at Devin. Looking right at Devin. Right down the barrel. Now he's spinning again. He's looking at no one.

He's looking at no one. Okay, third spin of four. He's looking at no one again, but that usually means he's going to look at someone. Fourth spin. Oh, you son of a bitch! Son of a bitch. Oh! Oh! He hit... Okay, so you know that that's not us. That's the snowman that doesn't want $100 to go to a charity. No, it's going to a charity. He doesn't want $100 to go to one of them. Oh, you fucking asshole. Oh!

All right. That is disappointing. That's really disappointing. As Kevin Sorbo once said. Take care of yourself. Wait, no. Oh, no. You're doing it. I thought you said as Kevin Sorbo once said. Kevin Sorbo once said disappointing. Oh, disappointed. Why would I? If we're going into the Jerry Springer catchphrase, why would I say as Kevin Sorbo once said? I have no idea if he ever said it. He's probably a big fan. I have no idea. He's probably a big fan. He's probably a big fan. Kramer. He's sorry about me. He's sorry about me, Jerry.

All right. We'll hear the Manchester Orchestra song. Thank you, everyone. This has been a delight. Thank you so much, Paul, for doing the best of us. Thank you, Scott, for having me. And as always, take care of yourself and each other. One, two, three. In my mind, you are an old empty apartment

Sitting on your mother's table next to you is her. Carving out our names into each piece of wood and concrete. Told her I don't have a lot, baby. You can have my soul. Do you want me? Baby, do you want? Baby, do you want me? No, no, no. ♪

♪ Well in your mind this is some new and glorious morning ♪ ♪ You ain't never gonna let nobody take that light again ♪ ♪ Everyone I know is slowly falling in the ocean ♪ ♪ I don't wanna be the next to row, I never learned to swim ♪ ♪ Baby do you love me, baby do you love me ♪ ♪ Baby do you love me, no, no, no, no ♪

In my mind you are the road I chose to travel Might as well have been the very last thing I decide Half the time I'm lost Afraid to use borrowed Don't matter much to me, man I'm not afraid to die Baby, are you with me? Do you forgive me? You're the one I want, the one I want when I'm old Baby, are you with me?

Do you forgive me? You're the one I wanted, one I want when I'm old. When I'm four. When I'm four.

Hey, this is Jeff Lewis from Radio Andy. Live and uncensored, catch me talking with my friends about my latest obsessions, relationship issues, and bodily ailments. With that kind of drama that seems to follow me, you never know what's going to happen. You can listen to Jeff Lewis Live at home or anywhere you are. Download the SiriusXM app for over 425 channels of ad-free music, sports, entertainment, and more. Subscribe now and get three months free. Offer details apply.

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