Best of 2022 Part 1
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I was going to say New Year, but it's not even the new year for any of these episodes. But happy best ofs to you and many hamburgers to you. Many hamburgers to you and to all of you out there. A good night. And good night. Turn it off. Goodbye. Go to sleep. Good night. I'm saying goodbye to all. Good night to all my children.

Like it's an award show. And goodbye. What if you're on an award show and it was like, goodbye, I'm never going to see you again. To your children. You know what? I don't hate it. It's not a bad bit. I feel bad for the kids, of course, but it would be really, people would talk about it forever. Goodbye. I'm leaving your mother. And then he never, never saw his kids again. Pretty funny.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Aukerman, and this is the Best Of's 2022 edition, part one, part one. Can I tell you, and this is embarrassing, I thought your name was Don Aukerman until you just said Scott Aukerman. So we've known each other for 28 years or so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You thought it was Don this entire time. Yeah, I went to your wedding. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they were calling me Don at the wedding, to be fair. I mean, we, yeah, why? Okay, now why was that? Well. So I'm not.

I'm not crazy. Well, we got married on Christmas and they were saying, Don, we now are gay apparel. And everyone thought my name was Don. Right, right, right, right, right. And that I was gay and had apparel on. Yes, I remember. And they were trying to stop the wedding. Yes, please. Stop the wedding. Dustin Hoffman style. These are references that men of our age make. Dustin Hoffman style. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. I already did that. This is the best of 2022. Off to a cracking start. Yep.

And best of 2022, we're going to be counting down all of your choices for the best episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. You all voted for them. This is all your fault. Your choices. And choices have consequences. That's true. And you're about to find out. You fucked around? You fucked around. It's find out time. Here we go.

We are going to fuck around during these episodes. Let me introduce my partner in crime here. He's a criminal. Yeah. We commit crimes together. Manslaughter? Yes. We manslaughter together. Why do we kill? What do we kill?

He is a stand-up comedian. He is a raconteur. He is a writer. He is an improviser. He is a husband. True. And that's the list in order of what he likes. That's my Twitter bio. Yep.

Please welcome, he does this every year with me, Paul F. Tompkins. Hi, I do this every year with Scott, and that's not a lie. No, we have lied several times so far. Look, here's the thing. Scott can only tell lies. I can also only tell lies. So everything you're going to hear is lies. Which one of us is telling truth? Neither. So when we said that that was true, it was a lie. Yeah. Everything is a lie so far. We're lying. Do you get it?

God damn. We're filthy liars. You don't have to be filthy to be a liar. It's true. He's a squeaky clean liar. We have a good time when we do these. If you've never heard these before, this is Polyfcom... Polyfcom...

Paul F. Tompkins is, what happened there? I found a little stepstool under the table. Oh, how cute. Is there an exceptionally short host? Is that for one of the office ladies to reach the mic? Ah, it's for one of the office ladies.

It's a red velvet stool. That is Steve Carell's face embroidered on it. But it's his character from Morning Show. That's true. Committing sexual harassment. Yeah. But then we liked him. I guess. And we felt bad when he drove off a cliff. We felt bad for him. Look, all he did was sexually harass people. Maybe commit a rape. And then he drove off a cliff.

Then he exiled himself to a beautiful Italian villa. I felt bad for the guy. We are, speaking of the stepstool, we are in the Earwolf Studios and we have some surprising news about our location. We'll do in a future episode. But Paul, it is, of course, about a week before Christmas, so approximately six days before Christmas. Yeah.

And which is a holiday here in America. That goose. Guess what? I mean, getting a little large for my taste. Goose, go to see your doctor. Take some Mozempic or what is it? What are the Kardashians taking? I don't know. Zempic? Mozempic? They're taking like diet pills. It's like a Star Wars name.

It's not diet pills. It's a shot that you get. But what? Okay. If you're fucking obscenely wealthy. Yeah. You can afford to exercise, eat great food. You can afford to hire an assassin to force you to exercise at gunpoint. Which is the only way I would do it. They make their own fucking schedule. There's zero excuse. Yes. And then a shot on top of that. I know.

Well, it's also for something else because I know it has a medical reason. But I think the added benefits is that people are losing weight on it. But I can't remember what it's called. It's like, well, Buterin made people quit smoking. So they also call it Chantix. Really? Same fucking thing. Chantix and Buterin? Well, Buterin. Well, Buterin. Yeah. We've just run out of names for these drugs. Buterin didn't work on people. And then they were like, we got to make this better. And it became Well Buterin. Oh, OK. Yeah.

I've been noticing, by the way, I see a lot of these drug commercials. Oh, yeah. And you know how every drug commercial, the template is you see someone living the time of their life, living their best life, and that is supposed to mean if you take this drug, you'll be able to do these things. Yeah. I've noticed a startling new trend in these. This is exciting. That the people who are supposedly having the best times of their lives are doing food service industry jobs. Yeah.

There's one where you see this woman and she's walking along the beach and, you know, in slow motion and she's gorgeous and she's having the time of her life. And she walks right into a beachside restaurant and then starts hostessing. Do you think it's aimed at...

Hallmark channel viewers where the woman always has like a bakery. Yeah, it seemed to me it seemed like that. Although they did do one with a male where like he's sad at the beginning of the commercial. He looks down at his phone and someone texts him. We miss you at the restaurant and he gets even sadder. And then he takes this drug and then you see him like in the kitchen at the restaurant, like frying up fish and stuff.

How did he not lose his job? Was he the head chef? He must own the restaurant. Yeah. I think what they're trying to do with these is like you can live your best life owning a restaurant, but the poor woman who owns this restaurant, she's like delivering food. She's like basically a food runner. Yeah. And then at one point you see her slightly picking at a big plate of food. Food? Food? Food.

I meant to say fruit. She's packing out a big plate of food. I meant to say fruit, and then I got confused with food, and it came out fruit. What is fruit if not food? I am fruit. I am fruit. Can you milk me? I am fruit.

So she's like, she's like fucking around with a, with a pile of fruit, getting it exactly right. Aesthetically. And then she just delivers it to a table. It's not even like she's the person who creates the fruit and then, then hire someone to take it to the table, which would be the dream. I would think she's a control freak.

Oh, this is what it is. This is her place, right? Mm-hmm. Somebody else prepares the fruit, and then she goes over and like, they did it wrong again. And then she hostesses because she can't trust anyone else to greet the people properly. This is what it is. So actually that drug's not helping her. Maybe this is all the before. When she's walking to the beach, that's when she has that drug. She probably takes the drug and then zones out on the couch watching Netflix. I really like the ones that I think are effective. Okay.

are the ones for psoriasis medication. Oh, yeah. Where it's people that are all bundled up like –

Eskimos. It's the season. Right. And then they take the drug and then they're like, I have no sleeves anymore. I burned them. You just see them Hulk Hogan style ripping them off. I can't wait to get in the pool. I don't care if it's February. Let me in there. Is that Hulk Hogan who rips off his sleeves or is that because I saw a commercial the other day with the Gronk and he was ripping off the sleeves of his shirt. I thought Hulk tore his t-shirt. He tore it open. You're right. Yeah. Did he? I'm getting ready to see some racial epithets.

And have sex and everyone's going to watch. And then sue someone. Do you think that I would like to see the Hulk Hogan documentary or a biopic, I think, where you see the scenes of him like cutting slight little slits into his shirt. Scoring it with a razor blade. So that he can tear it open more easily. Oh, what if he couldn't do it? If he was like pulling at it like, God damn. God damn, this is a strong shirt. This is a well-made shirt. I need to buy cheaper shirts. Who would play him in the biopic?

This is a good question. I mean, you know, normally you would go with a wrestler like a John Cena type. But can you imagine John Cena like with the handlebar mustache in the wig? I can actually. I think it would be funny. It's very easy to imagine. Who played him in the Weird Al movie? He was a former wrestler or maybe a current wrestler. Oh, the Weird Al movie starring both of us. Yes. We are the stars. Yes.

I agreed to do the movie. You know I'm offer only. Yes. I don't know whether you auditioned. Absolutely. No, I was offered the role after someone else got sick. Oh, that's right. But I did it on the condition. I'm offer only on the provision of health. I did it on the condition that I, for that day, I'd be number one on the call sheet. And I refused to learn lines. And I said, I'm just going to riff. Wait, you wrote both of those lines? Yeah. And they were very plot forward.

Strangely enough, I just, I was so locked in. I knew what the character would say to further the plot. That was the first day of shooting and they had to rewrite a lot of the movie. They wrote the entire movie just for my riffs. You really boned them. If you're listening to this, is this comedy bang bang? Well, no, this is the best of comedy. Best of comedy bang bang. Is this what you'll hear when you listen to comedy bang bang? Not really. No, absolutely not. Never. You're not listening to it now. No, turn it off. You can't hear this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Normally the show is... And normally for Garfield fans. Normally, yes. Normally it is a comedy program where I'm the host, Scott Aukerman. We have celebrities usually on, although a lot of times we did not this year.

We because we'll talk about the two distinct eras of the show this year, but celebrities due to health restrictions were not appearing on the show all that much this year until the back half of the year. But normally in a normal episode, you'll hear me talk to a celebrity for a little bit and then we will bring on other guests.

And the other guests are... And this is the big secret we only talk about on The Best Ofs. And don't talk about this for the rest of the year. Yeah, please. Only talk about it on the days we do The Best Ofs. Yes. On the days we release them. That's when we acknowledge it. I don't care when you're listening to this. No. Oh, if you're listening to it after it's released, you can't talk about it. Yeah. And if you're a time traveler...

And you've taken it back in time, Time Cop style, and you're listening to it on your Walkman in the 20s. And then a Time Cop bursts in. That was the trailer to Time Cop, I believe. Somebody had a Walkman in the 20s. And like someone, like a big rich and powerful guy goes up a newfangled elevator into his office and it's all black and white. And then he takes out a Walkman and starts playing metal.

You can't do that. You can't. That's why the time cops stop you. Somebody called the time cops. Yeah. He can't play metal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if somebody hears it? They lose their minds. Exactly. They'd be like, what is this slightly louder music? Do you think that triggered the Great Depression? Hearing metal? Somebody heard metal at the stock market? Jumped out the window? You got confused. Someone said it's metal music. The economy was fine. A guy jumped out the window. Everybody's like, must be the economy. We're in a depression. It's the economy, stupid. Yeah.

Who said that first? James Carvel. James Carvel, did he? Yeah. Carvel. James Carvel, did he? Carvel. James Carvel, did he? Everyone knew it was Puff Carvel. Carvel and Carvel, very similar. One makes ice cream. That's right. And the other presumably eats it. I bet he does. Do you think if you made ice cream, you would no longer eat it? Because you'd be like, oh, that.

No, I think I'd eat it all the fucking time. I think so too. I think I'd learn how to make it very, very fast. Yeah. Oh man, I'm hungry for ice cream. It's like this didn't, this, I love this, but it took too long. I got to figure out a way to talk about time cop. That's, that's now I am, I'm, I'm making the ice cream. Then I'm going back in. I'm going forward in time.

To when the ice cream is ready? How do I game this? I think that would be a marketing hook. This is the ice, like you see it on the shelves. This is the fastest made ice cream possible. Yes. You're like, I don't care how's it taste. Like, no, we made it really fast. I just, but honestly, the worst ice cream you've ever had, still pretty good. It's like pizza. I know. Did you ever make it when you were growing up? No, never did. We had an ice cream maker, so. I ate snow. Does that count? Yellow snow? Yellow snow?

Of course. Of course you did. It's flavored. It's like a nice slushy. You're in flavored slushy, of course. So what we do is we have celebrities on first and then we have comedians on and they are playing fake people that we interview. That's the formula of the show. Some call them characters. A lot of people call them characters. I refuse to. Yeah, you always say fake people. Right. But yet. I call them fake people. Yeah.

They're very real to me. They're not characters. They're fake people. That is the format of the show. We have usually a real person and then a bunch of fake people. That's if you're listening to this, that's what it is. And Paul, because he is on the show so often, he does these best ofs with me and he sits there hoping that his clips get onto the best ofs. Hoping and praying. And, you know, I turned my back on God a long time ago, but when we started doing these shows-

I rediscovered prayer. Yeah. The power of prayer. The power of prayer. My prayers have been answered. They have. Many times. Do you think they'll be answered this year? Did you want to be on the best of this year? It's in God's hands. I did want to be on the best of this year, but if I'm not...

That's God sending me a message. And that message is, I'm done with you. And so I will turn my back on him again. Okay. So we'll see. This is a big tease for the episode. We'll see if Paul turns his back on God. My prayers are all conditional. Yes. It's like, please, God, let this happen. Or I will turn my back on you. How do you think you did this year?

How do you think you'll be represented? I think it's been a very good year. It's been a lot of fun shows, and I hope I'm in there at least once. Yeah. A lot of people are saying, Paul, I don't know how you feel about this, because I know you're a listener. You're not just a participant. You also listen. That this is the best year in Comedy Bang Bang history? No, really? Herstory. Sorry. Themstory. Okay. They themstory. Are people really saying that?

A lot of people are saying it is. I mean, you know, a lot of people have fondness for the year that they first started listening. That's what I've noticed. Yes, sure. The year they got into the show, they're like, that was the best year. Yes. But a lot of people are saying that somehow, I don't know what happened, but the show has catapulted into another stratosphere this year. I mean, look, a lot of great guests.

It's been a lot of fun. It's been very silly. Some new blood coming in and reinvigorating the franchise. Reinvigorating this saggy, bloated franchise. This tired old workhorse has just had a fresh bag of oats.

Well, we said we would talk about it. There were two distinct eras this year. But actually, it's a little more like three because when we say it's the best of 2022 because of when we need to get all the votes in, we start post-Thanksgiving of the previous year. That's right. So we started in the last Monday of November of 2021, and we go through, I think, the third month.

of November of 2022. So the three distinct eras were in 2021, we were still in the studio because mid-2021, the vaccines came out and everyone was kind of comfortable being in the studio again. Then cut to 2022, come the new year, the COVID started kind of getting a resurgence. Prosecute slash Fauci. Yeah.

And it seemed cool again. It seemed cool. And so people were like, hey, I kind of like this thing. Yeah. So we had a good probably four months, I think, where we were taping all of the shows in the backyard. Now-

I had been taping them over Zoom during the first part of COVID because no one knew if it was even good to be in the backyard. If you recall, Paul, we were doing Threedom episodes in the backyard. Yes. And we were doing them so far apart. We were about 20, 25 feet away from each other using really long microphone cords and headphone cords. It was really funny. And we were super far away from each other. And then the science got a little more locked down and people were like, oh, no, if you're outside, even if you're close, there's very little chance that you're going to get caught.

of

of getting it, receiving it or giving it. So we did a bunch of shows in the backyard for a good four months or so that where we were a little bit closer, we were kind of, but it was outside. Now celebrities would not come to those shows usually because it's a little strange to say like, Hey, come to my backyard and do a show. It doesn't seem professional. Now these would be people I would, I would imagine by and large people that have never done the show before. And so they hear about this and they're like, what? No, no.

We did have some good celebrity. We had David Cross and I'm trying to think of any other celebrity who came to that. Anders Holm. Anders Holm, yeah. Famous story. Anders Holm came the wrong day. He came the day before the show was supposed to tape and he was all excited. And I said, you got the wrong day. And he said, someone's getting fired for this. And I said, well, I hope it's not me. And it turned out it was me. I was fired for like two days.

Shit. And then I called up Anders and I apologized. Profusely. Yes. And he was like, all right, we'll hire you back. How did he get that power? I don't know. How did one man get all that power? No one man should have all that power. Exactly. People keep attributing that to Kanye, but it comes from Malcolm X. Yeah, exactly. But people think it's a, like Kanye invented that. He got it from Noah.

I remember Noah saying that. And that's why he got rid of all the men. When he was building the ark, he's like, this fucking sucks. No one man should have all that power to make me do this. And it was God. He's below the rock. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, Anders came one day. It was the wrong day. He came back the very next day when the show actually was scheduled. So we had a few celebrities, but by and large, we did a few just all character episodes where people were just being characters. And something about the energy of those was very relaxed. I got to do a couple of those. It was really fun. It was nice. It was fun. So that was the backyard era. And then come probably May around when the the

13th anniversary episode came out. Then we came back into the studio because things calmed down a bit. Now maybe we go to the backyard again. I don't know. I don't know. We'll talk about it a little later in the show. We don't know. So those are the eras. This is also has been the oh no, the year of oh no. Right. Where a lot of our guests said the phrase oh no. And what started that?

We'll talk about that in the countdown. I think I know. There was a particular episode where it started. I think that I know and I am going to, before, when we get to it. Yep.

I want you to say, this is the one. Okay, and you'll say what it is. Before you reveal any other information. I'll tell you that there were two weeks in a row where everyone said, oh, no. And that's how it caught on. Yeah, every single person who was on the show ended up just saying, oh, no. In any case, so when we get to the first example of it, I will say this is the one. Okay. Paul, are you ready to get to it? This is exciting. Very quickly, right before we dive in. Yeah. Earlier, you said the phrase post-Thanksgiving.

And all I could think about was saying to you,

What if I started a music career as post Thanksgiving and it was me singing, but I have tattoos of turkeys all over my face. And it was all I could think about while you were talking and I didn't hear anything you said. Okay, great. And were you happy when you were thinking about this? I was so happy. I was so happy. It's to me, it's like if I, if it was, if the matrix were real. Yeah. That's where I would be. Yeah. Instead of who you are. Not even being post Thanksgiving. It is real. And you're thinking about. Yes, exactly. Unfortunately. Yeah. Well,

Let me red pill you, by the way. Oh, please. During the break. I will not take my diarrhea medicine. Okay. This is very exciting. We're about to get to it. Paul, are you ready? Yeah, man. We're doing...

A lot of episodes this year. How many? It was a very strong year. We're going to do a top 17 this year. Jesus Christ. Top 17. Can you imagine? I can't. And I wish you told me that before. I would not have agreed to do this. Oh, really? How many would you? Can we top 16? You pushed it to 15. And I was like, that's a lot.

If you had done top 16, I would have said, okay, but this is the last time. Okay, but top 17? Now it's top 17 without warning. Yeah. Well, I'm giving you the warning now. So set your expect. Okay, goodbye. Okay.

When you said post-Thanksgiving, I was thinking about post-Thanksgiving cereal. When I said it to you. Yeah. Talking about when you said it to me. Yeah, and that's all I was thinking about while you were talking about having turkey tattoos on your face. This is a real O. Henry. Do you think, so post, I mean, post-cereals are essentially, Raisin Bran is the famous one, right? Yes. So if they did a Thanksgiving cereal, it would be cranberries with turkey flavored cereal? Yeah.

Yeah, it would be cranberries with turkey flavored cereal. Sounds good. It does sound good. That sounds good to me. And they have the cranberries on the box. That's right. Anthropomorphic cranberries? No, the band. Oh, got it. Yes. Rest in peace to Dolores. Dolores O'Riordan. Dolores O'Riordan. Yes. Zahambi. All right. Let's do it. Here we go. Wait. Is Shirley Manson still alive? Yeah. From Garbage. Yeah. Okay. All right.

That was the name I was thinking of when I was trying to come up with Dolores O'Riordan. Yeah. Well, there were contemporaries. Stay alive, Shirley. Please. We need you. I will find you. I have not seen that movie. Nor have I. Okay.

Oh, we should do it. All right. Here we go. Let's do it. We're breaking into the Comedy Bang Bang Best of 22. This is your choice for episode number 17. Number one, seven. All right. Let's address the elephant in the room. I thank you, Scott, because we have to talk about it. We have to talk about it. Before we get to the clip. Teach the controversy.

Okay. So we didn't rerecord the best of numbers. No, as we have said, we were going to do for the past four or five years. 10 probably we every year. Okay. So, so I think the first year, 14 years ago when we did the best ofs, uh, we were, I was looking for those cheesy little, uh, uh, like AM radio, um,

I don't think they're cheesy. I think they're elegant. They are, but I mean, they're from the 70s. Yes. And so I found them online. And I'm a 90s bitch. I found them online and there were, it was only one through 10. And we do more clips than that. So we've had to say number one, seven, like you just heard.

And so every year we're like, we should rerecord these ourselves. And then we ask people to remind us to do it this year. This is the best part.

Yes. And we said, we definitely will do this this year. Yeah. And to prove it, you need to remind us on this day. And we set a day. I think it was like, yeah, like in June or something. I feel like it was in the middle of the tour or something because I just, we were, we were looking at, in August, we looked down at this and we're like, we're not going to do this. No. And I had a baby on the way in a month. I was just like, there's, in fact, a lot of people on tour, I do recall this because Paul and I,

to fans in the pre-show Q&As, a lot of people said, hey, we just want to remind you to record the best ofs. Yes. And I said...

We definitely are going to do this in October, barring any sort of like huge life event happening to me. But you knew this was happening. I knew this was happening in October. You had the tracking info on that baby. I did. It was past label created. This baby was on the way. Sent to shipping center in woman's stomach. Ah, ah, ah.

So that was a little cheeky on my part, but we were sort of playing it off like a huge life event, like one of us dying or something. But yeah, there was no way we were going to record this. No, no. And we never will, except we will do it next year if you remind us. If you remind us every single day. Every single day for the month of July? July. What do you want to say? Yeah, July. If you...

If, and I'm not saying like one person, like, you know, hey, Jim, Jim reminds us on July 1 and Andrea reminds us. No, I'm saying like all of you have to remind us every day in July. Everyone named Jim and Andrea has to do this. Yes, thank you. Jim's, Andrea's? Your task has been set.

So we will do it next year, definitely. 100% no lie. This is a promise and a swear. We will do it next year. I kind of like the old numbers, though. They sound good. I mean, we could keep 1 to 10. That's true. We could keep saying 1 to 10. Who should we get involved in this? Everybody who can sing that we know. That we know. Okay. So who's this? Zach and Jess. Tawny. Yeah. Amy Mann. Oh, okay. Beyond just coming to Bang Bang. Absolutely. Bring them all in.

Nick Lowe. All right, let's get to it. This is number 17, and this is episode 774. Can you imagine doing that many episodes of something? No, it's too many. We did even more than that. This is episode 774 from September 12th, 2022. My birthday.

Yes, is September what? 12th. Oh, whoa, whoa. Why? It was your birthday that day. That's right. And we celebrated by putting out this episode. And what a gift to me. Yes. What a gift to me. What a gift. This is an episode titled Inflection.

Inflection. I'm pronouncing that correctly, not inflection. Inflection. And the participants are. Can I say one? Yeah. Hammer.

Hammy! Hammy! It's Hammy time. You can't touch this. He should, Jon Hamm should, as a commercial for one of his many commercials, he should definitely dress up in hammer pants and do the hammer dance. The fact that he hasn't done this is an affrontery to us. It's absurd. It's absurd. I mean, if you were Amazon or Progressive or Apple or Mercedes or one of his companies...

What are you sitting on your hands here? He does Santa Claus for the World Cup before he does Hammy? Hammer? Hammy? MC Hammy? MC Hammy? Come on, man. Look, Progressive does all these various campaigns. So there's the one where he's in love with Flo. Yeah. They should have spun him off into his own Progressive campaign. Into his own thing. Where he's MC Hammy. Yes. Yes.

He dresses. Okay. And this is how we do it. You can't touch this deal on insurance. He dresses up like MC Hammy with Flo just so we have the continuity. Yes. The torch has passed. At the end, Flo says, I'm just not interested. And he walks off camera right. Yes. And then cut to, he walks on camera left and says, I'm going to be in my own commercials from now on. Yes. So stay tuned. We get like a little scenes from a marriage where he walks off the set. Why did they do that?

I don't know. I didn't understand why they did that. But he says stay tuned and then you have to leave your TV on. Stay tuned. Yeah. You have to leave it tuned to the channel that you were just watching. I like people say, they still say stay tuned. They still say it. Even though you don't tune your TVs anymore. You know what's funny is that people still address podcast listeners as viewers. Viewers? Viewers.

I had trouble with that because I was used to saying it on TV and I would go view. I mean, listeners. Yeah. It's very, very difficult. But I'm talking about people who've never been on TV are saying viewers. Yeah. Our viewers will want to know this. Like, what are you fucking talking about? Although maybe you're listening to something that occasionally has a video feed. I'm talking about like the news.

You're listening to the news? I'm listening to the news. What news? The northeast, west, and south news, my dear boy. Oh, that news. Yes. Got it. All right. So Jon Hamm is an old friend of ours. I've known him, gosh, forever.

Probably for two years before he was on Mad Men, we used to play poker together over at his place. And he was always a very talented actor who could never get a break, could never catch a break. That's right. At poker. At poker. He's a terrible poker player. Worse actor. Yeah.

He was a guy who he would get cast in pilots and they would never go. And he would have like bit parts in shows like The Unit. I don't know if you remember The Unit. David Mamet, I believe, co-created that as well as Sean Ryan from The Shield. Oh, no, thank you. It was pretty good. He would be on like three episodes and we'd go, hey, you were great, John. And we'd go, oh, when is he ever going to get a show? And then one day he said, oh, I'm on this show on AMC. And we went...

The movie channel? Get the fuck out of here. You fool. You fucking idiot. And we kicked him out of his own apartment. Wow. What the fudge? Can you imagine? That's rude.

And then I remember we were playing poker at his place and I was like, I hear your show is pretty good. And he's like, oh, let me give you some videotapes. It was still videotapes. Boy, you're yoing. What? No. No, maybe it was DVDs. He wouldn't. Yeah. It might have been videotapes because I remember it being very chunky. It was probably DVDs. Yes, of course. Yeah.

That show was on in the 2000s. I requested they give me VHSs. I just remember it being a clunky package and him like giving me season one and it just took up a lot of space. But maybe it was DVDs. I think it probably was. Anyway, he gave me the DVDs and- He gave you a hard drive. He gave me a computer.

That's nice. That's very nice of him. He must have been doing pretty well. But the rest is history, of course. I watched those DVDs and the show became famous. Don't want to make a connection, but you're free to do so. In any case, he's been doing this show, Comedy Bang Bang, since the beginning, since the very first year. Always a great friend of the show. He had a movie come out in September called Fletch, which is why the title of the show is In Fletchian.

I believe we even say it in this clip that we're going to listen to. Oh, okay. The other participants are, we're not going to hear from him in this clip, but Devin Field, the very funny Devin Field, who has started doing the show this year ever since the Speed Force Skanksgiving special. Skanksgiving? Skanksgiving special. Is that what it was called? Yes.

Of last year, I hadn't met him, and Sean Diston cast him as someone who is going to be important to the show in the future, which then made me say, well, we needed to come true. Right, exactly. So I started using him. He's very funny. That's kind of baby. We're not going to hear from him, but we are going to hear from Lily Sullivan. Can I just take this moment to give a shout out to Lily Sullivan? Paul? Paul?

It is time to do that. She's so funny. You've done it too early in previous best ofs. I know. Right on time at this point. I know. I'm so glad.

Lily Sullivan, she's very, very funny. She's been doing the show for, I don't know, three, four years at this point? Something like that? My wife and I recently had, like, not really an argument, but we were each claiming... Throwing pots and pans at each other? Yeah, well, that's just a thing we do because we hate our neighbors. So we make as much noise as possible trying to scare them away.

Every time we see them on the street, we're like, our house is haunted. It's pretty haunted. And I think they talked about haunting other houses in the neighborhood. But we had a little disagreement about who was the bigger fan. And I was saying I was. She was saying she was. On the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I believe Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, one of them, the one who talks more, said, we've never had an argument because I don't want to win anything that he would lose. We've had disagreements.

Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's love. Yeah. I thought it was an interesting thing to say. Are they still married? I believe they are. Remember when Morris Day officiated on stage at a time show? They didn't know they were getting married. And afterwards, like, ha-ha, I married you.

Okay, so Lily Sullivan, very funny comedian. She does a ton of characters on this show. And the one you're going to hear is Bridget Jones. Now, she started doing Bridget Jones when we were on tour. Debut. We did a lot of dates in August of this year. And Lily did approximately four or five of the dates. And she did Bridget Jones on tour. And this is the first episode she did in the studio with Bridget Jones. Okay.

And this is, of course, her doing the real Bridget Jones that the movies are based on. And may I say, this is the most recent time, but it's also, as of now, the last time that she will do Bridget Jones. Yes, that's right. Yes, she will never do. She may do it again. I don't know. But as of right now, it's the last time she'll ever do it. That's true. We may change our minds.

But yeah, so we're going to hear this clip. This is Jon Hamm and Lily Sullivan as Bridget Jones. This is your number 17. Number one, seven. She's a famous diarist. Please welcome to the show, Bridget Jones. What's up? How are you doing? I'm good. Hey, Bridget, this is Jon. Hi, nice to meet you. How are you doing? Listen, you guys got it mad wrong. It's not a diarist. It's diarrhea.

Oh, it is diarrhea. That is what you call me, okay? So get it straight, straight out the gate. Which weirdly is how diarrhea comes, straight out the gate. Straight out the gate. Has everyone been mispronouncing the movie titles? Is it Bridget Jones' Diarrhea? Bridget Jones' Diarrhea.

Okay. Wow. To be fair, I never saw any of the movies, nor did I read the diarrhea. I saw that first one. I don't remember any of these scenes where Bridget Jones said, excuse me, I have to go. But listen, they got it mad wrong. Like Hollywood took that story, my diarrhea, and they took it.

from way back when, and they changed the shits a lot, so they messed it up. Oh, okay. That's right. Now, you and I met on tour. We met on tour. This is in Boston, is that right? No, we were in New York. You were in New York? Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah. The City of Lights. The City that Doesn't Sleep. The City of...

The city with the trash everywhere. The city's so nice, they named it twice. They did. New York, that city, that's so nice, they named it twice. They named it twice. New York. New York. We met there and we talked a little bit there about what did we talk about? Well, so basically, like 23 years ago or whatever, they bought me a diary off me.

The Hollywood people No offense or whatever Who is this? Is this Weinstein? I don't remember who it was, whatever You'd remember if it was Weinstein Yeah, for sure Your plants would remember, I'll tell you that much So you know who he is Talking about Anne Frank and now this Right when I get on And Woody Allen, don't forget Should we talk about Michael Jackson while we're here? I mean, it's right there

So listen, they'd be buying my diary off me for nothing, like 35 quid or something. That low? Nothing. I'm like, yeah, sure, take the shit. How much is a quid?

I don't know. Because I know you can get one for every quo. Yeah. It sounds like it's $4 because of quad. Quad. Quid quad. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what the exchange rate is. Regardless, it's relatively low. It was super low. It was like $4. Like $4.35. So it's like a quarter. Yeah. Like a quad. Absolutely nothing. Quart. Quart.

Okay, well, yeah, like, go ahead and take it. Then they go make this big movies with Zellweger's Renes and Cullen and Hug Grant. Hugh Grant, I believe is how you say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't really hit that. Is it not Hug? You don't hit that first G. Hug Grant. Famous lover of blowjobs, Hugh Grant. Jesus Christ.

He's on record as loving them. Really? And what he says, I love it. It's my favorite thing in the world. I believe that's his quote. That sounds like him. The proof's in the pudding. I mean, if I can bring it back to diarrhea, the proof's in the pudding. Look, we all love blowjobs. Probably. Probably. You never had one. You don't know. Bridget. What? You want me to keep talking? Yeah, Bridget, keep talking. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, so they buy me diary out for me for literally nothing. Then they go, they make this big movie. They make all this money. I'm like, what the shit? So I didn't get any of that. I'm so sorry. I'm like, I'm going to go back to drawing board, work on me diary, then sells it, make lots of money. Yeah, because they bought the,

old diary. Yeah, a diary by nature is every day, right? Right, yeah. I'm like, so I'll work on my diary and then now, 23 years later, I'm basically done with the shits. I'm ready to make a new movie. Great. Took me that long, but I got some entries. I got like six or seven entries. Okay. Mad entries. Will this be starring you? Will you actually get to star in your own story? Well, this is what the thing is, like, I'm like 55. Like, whatever.

I want to tell like a young story. So I'm fine with like young hot bitch playing me. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I mean, Bridget here, you're 55. You're kind of, I mean, like a butter face. And so, you know, it's not like you have. Don't get me started with this shit again. Star potential. Lily looking at you. I forget your face immediately. It's like, you know what you look like? What's that? You remind me.

remind me of like a gyoza a gyoza the dumpling yeah you're all like fried and like full of meat interesting and like you're super not hot like a cold one hmm interesting okay what what that's what you look like what's that so don't call

me a butterface like I'm not mad hot is it what do you call a butterface in England does it call something different schmear just a schmear so you're like a schmear so you you want someone who's a little bit younger to star in the movie yeah like I want the movie to sell or whatever I want to make mad money like I'm not stupid like put the fucking hot bitch in right like who like today's Renee Zellweger yeah who would that be I don't even know well

So I got an entry about it. Ashton Kutcher? Yeah, Ashton Kutcher. Ashton Kutcher, probably. Ashton Kutcher. You have an entry, though, you say. Yeah, I have entry I can share with you because I want to try and get the word out. Give us a taste of what the story might be and then maybe we can cast it. Yeah, because Johnny here. I know some people. You can do an English accent, can't you? Yeah, you've got some connections.

Yeah, certainly. Wait, is that it? I can certainly try to do one. Yeah, right. That's mad good. That's what I thought. Yeah. That's mental. You sound exactly like me dad. Great. Bridge, let's read it. That's mental. That's absolutely mental. Okay, let me read me diary entry, okay? Okay, here we go. This is Bridget Jones.

A recent diary entry or something from the past 20 years? Recent. Like, I'm in L.A. You know, like, I'm taking in the city. Like, going to Target, going to, like, Home Depot. All the L.A. spots. All the places right off Sunset. I'm going to Yogurtland. I'm going to GameStop. Like, things you just saw. I'm going to, what else was there? What's that burrito place over there?

I'm going to... The Netflix offices. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, I'm taking in the city, you know what I mean? So here we go. Okay. Did I...

It's me, Bridget Jones, from Bridget Jones' Diary. It was a typical Hollywood morning. Woke up to the sounds of people's assholes being bleached. Put on me stumpers and headed out for a bit of brekkie. Ordered meself a cup of jiggy jizz and a plate of squally squog. When all of a sudden, in walks famous Hollywood girl, Alison Williams. I knew this would be my moment. So I got...

So I told her all about me diary idea and insisted that she play me since I know that everybody wanted Tiggy her wiggy and Poppy her dop. But out of nowhere she'd be yelling at me to get away. Something about me asking too many questions about her nosh. But then it hit me. Clearly she was intimidated by me and me diary and scared I was coming for all of her quid and quill.

But then again, who wouldn't be Love Bridge? Okay. Okay. A lot of potential there. I mean...

So this is going to be a movie about your character going up to Alison Williams and getting into a fight? No, you're listening. I think I was listening. No, you're being like mid-century modern furniture right now. You're all pointy. You don't make sense. Okay. All right. I accept that criticism. You make no sense. Right. But, I mean, that's one of the set pieces in the movie? No. Listen, I'm trying to approach her, have her play me. She's hot as shit, you know? Sure, yeah. She has a good sense.

singing voice. Yeah, she played Peter Pan. Peter Pan, yeah, like, that's me. Yeah. Like, I look like Peter Pan. Like, she can mad nail me, you know what I mean? But didn't you say that the movie was going to be based on these diary entries?

So Allison Williams would then, in this scene, as you. Be playing you, and then who would be playing Allison Williams? Brian Williams? Brian Williams. I think she goes up to her dad and has a real altercation. Can I put this wig on you? I'd be honored to get Brian Williams. You think we can get him? B-dubs? Do you think he retired just for this, maybe? He might. He might. He would do it. He loves nothing more than a challenge. He loves a camera on him.

He would play young me. Allison would play old me. Right. We'd have this conversation and then Lily going circles. Yeah. But I'd love to hear more of your entries. I've got more entries for you. You're like begging for them. You're like fucking horny for them. I'll give them to you, I guess. Horny for them. Lily like freaking out. You want them so bad. Okay. Dear Diarrhea, it's me, Bridget Jones from Bridget Jones's Diarrhea, which is going to be a script someday.

I went,

When all of a sudden, in walks famous Hollywood person, Billy Ray Cyrus. Whoa. Wow. I knew this was going to be my moment. So I tell him all about me diary movie and ask if he want to play me love interest. Because I know everyone wants to Humpty Dumpty his Priggly Pog. Then out of nowhere, he says he's going to throw me out on me cheeky donker. Something about all the pictures I drew on me iPad of him exposing his fruit basket to Miley.

It hit me. Clearly, this man was intimidated by me and my diary and scared I was coming for all of his lockets filled with pictures of dead people in them. Is that how he keeps his riches? Then again, who wouldn't love bridge? Okay, interesting. What? What's that face? So this whole movie is just you accosting like F-list celebrities? It's me making my movie. Like, think about

about all the movies about making movies like the recent Downton Abbey movie no literally which is just insane

That they're making a movie, a talkie in Downton Abbey, and the butler starts writing the script. I didn't know any of this. This is mad crazy. Yeah, make sure you don't have too much crossover with that. I was wondering, though, Bridget, very big news out of the Empire today. Oh, yeah. We may be covering that on a future show. We can certainly not talk about it if you don't want to. Yeah, but are you gutted? I'm gutted, look.

Like she was so young. For a very old woman, she was so young. She was a young 96. I couldn't believe it when they said she was sick. I'm like, that's insane. I'm so sorry. Here, let's take your mind off this. Let's read another entry. I know you're mad horny about it. I don't know that I'm horny. Okay, here we go.

What?

I knew this was my moment. So I tell her that there's some outlets over there so she can charge herself to 100% and get back to not reading. When all of a sudden, in walks Ellen from Ellen. I ask her if she wants to play me mom in me diary movie since I know everyone wants to Dunkin' Donuts her guinea pigs. And then out of nowhere, she be saying she's gonna slice me noggy with a DVD of the Da Vinci Code because...

I looked at her in the eyeballs. But then it hit me. Clearly this woman was intimidated by me and thinks that I'm coming for her, Princess Diana Beanie Babies. Then again, who wouldn't? Love, Bridge. Okay. What do you think? There's a lot happening in that one. Yeah, this is a double celeb sighting. That was a big one. Lea Michele and Ellen. Lea Michele was like the misdirect. Yeah. And Ellen comes in and cleans up. Yeah, see, Ellen, she...

She knew Lea Michele was there. They're friends. Well, Bridget, this is... I don't know if any of this makes a good movie, but... Wait, no. Here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking seven episodes right to streaming.

And keep it as almost a reality show. Yes. Because I want to see these interactions between these, let's call them marginally famous people. Yeah. And Bridget Jones. And I want to see how they interact. Yeah. All up and down Sunset Boulevard. I feel like I'm open to it. Like, if you can get me mad meetings, I'm down for whatever. Like, I don't want to be stuck here looking like Scott, you know? I don't want to be like,

Like a plate of empty Tupperware, like all stinky. Wait, I've got to write me another entry. You're writing one right now? I'm writing one right now. You're inspiring me, Scott. Okay, all right. I'm like, gosh, it's just coming out of me. It's pouring out of me. Do you want me to read it? Oh, yeah, while you're writing it? Read as you write, please. Dear Diarrhea.

It's me, Bridget Jones, from Comedy Bang Bang. I know that you can say that you're from comedy. Well, she's your guest. She's here right now. I was on one episode of The Jimmy Kimmel Show. I wouldn't say Scott Arkham from The Jimmy Kimmel Show. I wouldn't correct you. From my podcast, Comedy Bang Bang. A cool earwolf afternoon, drank myself a massive bottle of water and then wrote me name on the table with a drying sharpie. When all of a sudden, in...

A not famous tiny angry baby mint's got all come in. Hey.

I knew this was going to be my moment. So I called me manager to tell him that if I die here today because Scott kills me to give me ashes to Tom Cruise so he can spread them over the mountains in his tiny plane. But then it hit me. Clearly Scott Ockerman was intimidated by me and thinks I'm coming for his hentai. Hey, now this hentai thing. Not me. I don't know how this got started. What are you talking about? Whatever.

I don't know how this rumor got started that I'm into hentai. You love hentai. I don't know. I saw all

Like, every single like. Hentai, hentai, hentai, hentai. And then once, sure, I accidentally just tweeted hentai gifs. Yeah. Because I was searching for it. And you didn't paste. Yeah, like you're mad obsessed. What? I don't know, Bridget. I'm not, I don't think this would make a good movie is my main, yes, I'm personally insulted by that last entry, but I just don't know that this is good. Like, are you not entertained? Like, aren't you mad horny?

mad horny for every entry. I guess. But John, do you want to be attached to this movie? I don't want to be attached to it at all. I don't want to be in the same room with it really, but I would say that there is a place on like a, like not peacock, but like peacock minus. Yes. Like a see-saw, like something like that. If you see-saw things, say-saw thing. Yeah. Like negative paramount. Yeah, peccative minus. Pegative...

Paramount minus. Mad Men, did you ever call Peg peggative? Peggative. Accidentally. Hey, peggative. That's what the money is for. You're being peggative. Number one, seven. Oh, what a clip. That kind of clip to me is what clips are all about. Yeah. It's like a portion of the show instead of the whole show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what clips are all about to me. It really gets to the heart of what clips should be.

Man, if I was listening to a clip show and they just played the entire episode... I'd say this is not a clip show, my man. My brother in Christ. Let's talk about a few things. Hentai is mentioned. This is...

Let's talk about why this started. That started on tour, right? It started on tour in North Carolina. Is that where we were? Maybe. Where Conan O'Brien showed up? I just remember, for all the tour, I remember we were in City. Yes.

I had to keep track of them because I would say, hello, whatever city it is. No, I believe we were in North Carolina and Tim Baltz was there. Lily's husband, Tim Baltz, who people would know from The Righteous Gemstones. You would also know Lily from The Righteous Gemstones. She plays Tim's sister, I believe. That's right. And...

He was there doing the one episode that he could get away from the right. He was filming at this time, and North Carolina was relatively close to where he was filming. So he was able to drive in. And he was there, and I said hentai as a reference, not knowing what it was and praying that. Because a lot of times when I throw out a reference, I'm like, am I getting this right? Sure. And 50% of the time, I'm not. Well, yeah.

I like those odds. But I threw it out as – and I forget what I was referencing, but I was like sitting there going, I hope this is like an anime porn thing. And from what I understand, it's also a tentacle porn thing. Is that right? That's what I understand it to be. And of course, I think we even got into this on the tour, maybe not on stage, but backstage. There was that – there was a journalist who –

He posted like a screen. He posted a picture and you could see his computer tabs. And it was all one of them was like hentai. And he's like, oh, yeah, I was researching. My my wife had never she'd never she didn't know what that was. And I was showing her what it was. So great. Yeah. And of course, there's the classic porn gifs.

Which is one of the best tweets of all time. And somebody said he never took it down. He never deleted it. Hey, I wouldn't. I respect that enormously. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I'm proud to search for porn gifs.

Well, so I mentioned it as a, as a reference, just hoping I was, I was making a funny reference to something. Lily and Tim capitalized on it. And, uh, now Lily can not be on an episode where she doesn't mention my supposed anti addiction. Very true. Yeah. Addiction. She also, uh,

I was eating a salad backstage and she got on stage and talked about how I was eating something that looked like shit. Yes. And it was, and people are like, well, he must've been eating something disgusting. It was a salad. Yeah.

She just, she made all that up and said I was eating shit. Wait, did people were questioning like, what could he have been eating? What could he have been eating that was so disgusting that Lily's making fun of him? That prompted this weird character to say that. No, just eating his salad. Just eating his salad. Let the man live. Let me be. I just want him to eat my salad and be. Let him eat his goddamn salad. Paul, here's a tease. Fuck. Here's a tease for a future episode. Okay.

Now, that episode that we just listened to, that clip. Clip. There was a certain Comedy Bang Bang fan listening to that episode at home that had a very particular reaction to it. And we will be talking to them in the new year. Very particular. Liam Neeson. Yes. Yeah. He was taken.

By Jesus. He's like, okay, this is happening to you. Taking about the rapture, right? Yeah. Suddenly his keys and shoes are there. Keys and shoes. Don't need no shoes in heaven.

Boy, that's true. Yep. I like that there are people in the rapture who, people who believe in the rapture who are, there's two different camps. There are the people who think that all of your earthly possessions will stay, but your body just leaves. Right. So there's like a pile of clothes. A pile of clothes and you're watching everything. And then there are people who are like, no, everything disappears. Either is stupid. Exactly. It should just be like, no, your dead body stays and your soul goes. Yes, of course. Anyway.

So what? Are they nude? Everyone's nude in heaven? I guess so. That sounds like heaven to me. Oh, boy. Well, that's exciting to hear that a tease for a future episode, isn't it? So all of you comedy bang-bang detectives get out your magnifying glasses, your podcast magnifying glasses. One might say greetings gumshoes. That's true. All right. We're going to take a break, Paul. Okay. This is your show. Yep.

And when we come back, we're going to be still counting down these episodes. Can you believe we're still going to be doing it? We're going to still be doing it. All right. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Yay. Shimmy.

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And we're back. Best of 2022. That's true. That's a good point. Did that make you mad that I brought us back from the break? It did. Because that's my bailiwick. Did you feel cucked? I did. Well, also, you were having sex with my wife while you did. Welcome back. Scott Aukerman here. We're here with Paul F. Tompkins, and we're counting down your choices for the top 17 this year. And we're happy to do it.

I mean, I'm happy to do it. I'm happy to do it too. Paul's a little annoyed we're doing 17. No, I was joking. He was joking. I was joking. He loves it. I love it. But why don't we get to, you know what comes after 17, right? 18. Yeah, but instead, we're going to go the other way. What? We started at 17 and went all the way up to 52 and never got to the best episodes. All right, let's...

Do it. This is your choice for episode 16. Number one, six. All right, episode 16. Paul, last number 17, we had 774. So we're in the latter...

Part of the 700s. So this is episode 707D. Okay. So this is before. Four weeks before. And that last one you said was September 12th. So this is subtract four from that. So September 8th.

Good math. This is August 15 of 2022. Wow. The Ides of August. The Ides of August. We were on tour while this was released. We were out there entertaining America, so we must have taped it before August. Anything could have happened. Like we weren't here to monitor the situation. That's true. And this is what happened. Yeah. It's a good episode. It's like we shouldn't be here more often. We shouldn't be here. Yeah. It checks out. I'd love to meet you here less often. Yeah.

Come here never? What were you going to say about gremlins? Uh...

I don't know, but I was going to say something. You were going to say something. The idea that we were, that the episode was, we were away from the episode, so anything could have happened. Yes. The gremlins got in. Like when the gremlins went nuts. Oh my God. That was the thing about gremlins though. I noticed in those two movies, they didn't give a shit if people were around or not. They were going to just, gremlins going to be gremlins. Weren't they worried that they would be hunted to extinction? I know. You would think so. And they were in both movies. Yeah.

They died in both movies. I don't remember Gremlins 2. I saw it, but I don't remember it. It is a good subplot. I think it's in Gremlins. We just watched it for my sister show, Scott Hasn't Seen. Which I listened. It's just a crazy movie. It's crazy. It's good, though. It is a good subplot of like, hey, all of the bad gremlins come from this really nice one, Gizmo. We need to execute Gizmo. It's a good subplot.

All right. This is episode 770. And the title of this, Paul, is called She Garbage People. Oh, this is vaguely. I mean, I recognize that title. I could not tell you what happened. And I'm pretty sure I was there. I believe you were there. Who do you think was the based on the title? Who do you think the celebrity was who was in this?

I think it was Tatiana Maslany. It truly was. That's right. The She-Hulk herself, Tatiana Maslany. She is in this episode. This is another studio episode. Two studio episodes so far. The celebrities were back indeed. That's right. Tatiana is another friend of ours. She graduated from fan to friend. She graduated. She's promoted. Yeah.

She used to be a fan of the show. She used to, when she was filming Orphan Black, she used to listen to the show while biking to and from set. She and Christian Brune, her co-star on Orphan Black, they both bonded over their enjoyment of the show. And then she, I forget how, oh yeah, that's right. She reached out because I knew her publicist and wanted to come to a live show when she was at Comic-Con for Orphan Black. Right.

And so she- That's where we met her for the first time, right? Yes. I don't know if you were there though. I met her at Comic-Con, at a Comic-Con event. Okay. But you know what? You were not in that show though. I was not. Are you sure? It was Derek Waters, Taryn, and- J.W. Stillwater? Yes, I was there. You were there? Yes, I was. Holy shit. Oh, you were really late. You were coming for a dinner. I was coming for another show. Oh, coming for another show. Coming for another show. Okay. Yeah. You were super late. And by the way, you know who opened for that show? Awkwafina. Awkwafina.

Doing her rap. What? Doing her raps. For your show? Yeah. For Comedy Bang Bang? Yeah. When did you, what? Yes. This is, this is, I mean, quite a few years ago. This is seven years ago, eight years ago. It was Awkwafina. Wait, do you mean Nora from Queens? Yes, Nora. Um, I,

Yes, that show, I think I was doing a Thrilling Adventure Hour show. Ah. And I was coming from that. That's right. Okay, so Derek and Taryn were coming from the dinner. That's right. And they were kind of late. They were texting me, kind of going like, hey, we're late. We're trying to leave. We're trying to leave. Anyway, so that, but in any case. Wait, I think I got there before them. Yeah. So not only was I there, I was also on time. You're always there, though.

Always on time. Ashanti. Did Ashanti have a song about punctuality? What if you didn't know who Ashanti was and you thought it was just like my catchphrase? Ashanti. Like my Shazam. You turn into a creature? Ashanti is just as stupid as Shazam, the name.

All names are stupid. Yes. All names are stupid. Okay. So in any way, in any way, Tatiana and Christian came to the Comedy Bang Bang live show in San Diego dressed as Ninja Turtles. Yes. Thinking they had to be disguised. Otherwise they would be mobbed by fans. They were told by the publicist. They were told. Because when they would walk around Comic-Con, yes, they were mobbed by fans. Yes.

But this was a show that was approximately four or five miles away from Comic-Con. Off-site. Off-site. And no one cared that they were Ninja Turtles. But we have very funny pictures of them. If anything, people, I think, avoided them like the plane. Yes. We have very funny pictures of them dressed as Ninja Turtles posing in Ninja Turtle poses backstage in an alley.

when we met them. So that was where we met. And they both have done the show over the years, and they're great people, great friends. They're absolutely lovely people. I have a picture from that. I have a picture on my office wall of –

of me with them when we met for the first time. It makes me very happy when I see it. Yeah. You know, you should, we should as humans take more pictures of when we meet someone for the first time because they could be our great friends. Could be your greatest enemy and what a picture to have. That's true. Like, see this guy, I hate him.

This reminds me, I meant to bring this up earlier. You were singing How Bizarre, How Bizarre by OMC. And I was like, man, whatever happened to OMC? Orchestral maneuvers in the car. But I was like, damn, it sucks that they were a one hit wonder. I think all one hit wonders, one hit wonder songs should be done by one band. The same band. Okay. What? What?

You know, it's so bad that these poor bands, they only get to have one hit. Yeah. Let's make all the one-hit wonder songs done by one band so they have a lot of hits. So is this new band, are they covering all of these songs? They're not covering. They just write them all.

Okay. And then various people record them? No, they record them so that they get to have all these hits instead of these poor bands that only get to have one hit. So you're saying going forward. Yes. This is what we should do. This is what we should do. Is anoint a band. To be our one hit wonder band. To have nothing but hits. Yes. This is a great idea. Look, this band doesn't even exist yet. I'm a huge fan. They have so many hits. Hit after hit after hit.

It's undeniable. They're great. They're so good. They have a lot of one-hit wonders. Okay, so. No, but. They have so many one-hit wonders. Aren't there, I feel like there's concerts, right, where they get all those bands together. Yeah. Like one-hit wonder bands and they all do their, they get to do their shit. I think that's, I like that. Yeah, I like it. I've been to a few of those. I enjoy them. Okay, so Tatiana is here. And I mean like Elmo and Patsy should be there. Yeah, Elmo from Sesame Street and Patsy Cline.

Crazy. Go crazy. Okay, so Tiana is here. I will go walking after midnight. He sounds like Jack the Ripper. He's crazy. He's going walking after midnight. Wait, what was going on with Patsy Cline? Patsy Cline was Jack the Ripper. She was giving us clues. Oh, Mr. Beliesman. All the clues hit her songs.

Patsy Clyde was Jack the Ripper. This makes sense. So Tatiana, she...

She's done two episodes, I believe, since she was announced as She-Hulk. She did one to... This was the one where it was coming out this week. And she did one earlier just for fun where we talked about, oh, you were just cast as She-Hulk. And each time she is on the show, we are just doing dumb bits like you've heard Paul and I doing. And we say fake things that are going to happen on She-Hulk this season. And it always makes news. Yeah.

People take it seriously. That's right. So the episode before this, she mentioned that she was going to be singing in the show It's Not Easy Being Green by Kermit the Frog as well as Fever. Fever.

Fever makes me laugh so much. It's so out of nowhere. And it made headline comic book and nerd culture headlines. It made nerd headlines. That She-Hulk was going to be a musical with these two songs in it. Yeah. And people believed it until the entire season was up and she never did it. And people were like, where were those songs? No, people believed it all the way. Even after she said it was just a fucking joke. Yes. Come on, guys.

So I think that happened on this one as well. She said some fake things and people believed it. I don't know. But the other thing about this episode is that there's a certain person that Paul F. Tompkins plays named Obi-Ron Kenobi. Tell us about Obi-Ron Kenobi. Obi-Ron Kenobi was a – I can't remember if I just had a name in my phone that made me laugh. Yeah.

Wait, this is a friend of yours that was in your phone? No, no, no. I will... I keep a note in my notes app of character names. Ah. If I think of a name and it makes me laugh, I write it down. And I think I just wanted to do something new and I didn't want to have anything prepared. And I thought that was...

As good as any jumping off point to have that very specific name and then not know anything about Star Wars. And where did you do Obi-Wan for the first time? It must have been on this episode. On that episode, yes. Okay, so had you done him yet on the tour? No, because you were waiting for this to drop. No.

And I think I even said in this episode, I'll join you on the tour. All right. I'll be there. At the end, yeah. Oh, I'll be there. That's right. At the end, when we plug things, I mentioned we were on tour and you were like, oh, I'll be there. Yeah. I'm trying to do Obi-Wan Kenobi. It's pretty good. So Obi-Wan, is anything you want to say about him or we're just going to hear the clip and talk about it? I mean, it was, I really did not put a ton of preparation into this on purpose. I wanted to just see where it went. Right.

And we found it in the moment, a lot of his characteristics that had become classic. Exactly. But it was really, yeah, it was really, it was really fun. I, um, well, let's listen to it. Let's listen to it. Let's hear it. This is your choice for episode number 16. Number one, six. Uh,

This is all I know about him. He's an American citizen. Please welcome Obi-Ron Kenobi. Hey there, Scott. Thanks for having me. Hey, great to meet you. Yeah. This is Tatiana. It's nice to be here. Hi there. She's playing She-Hulk in the MCU.

Okay, if you say so. And not MC, that's not a rapper like MC Hammer. It's the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Oh, it's like movies. Movies, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Good, congratulations. Well, television shows as well. She's in a television show. Does cinema, does TV count as cinema? I mean, it's a brand extension, yeah. I'm not real up on pop culture. Oh, really? Why is that? No. Your name is Obi-Ron Kenobi. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I get it. Star Wars, right? Yeah. Yeah. People bring that up a lot. I've never seen them. Oh, so you didn't name yourself after? This isn't a stage name? No, my name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. It's not a stage name. I'm not a stage actor. Were your parents into Star Wars? I don't think so. Okay. We never talked about it around the house. Really? Do they have a poster up or anything like that? No. I mean, they were parents, so we didn't have a lot of posters hanging out.

Parents aren't allowed to have posters. No, parents are, but I don't think a lot of parents do. Once you have a baby, all the posters come down. Well, you know, when you become a man, you put away childish things. Oh, okay. St. Paul.

But yeah, they had like framed artwork and stuff. You know what I mean? Oh, like what? Like prints or like actual? They didn't have any pictures of prints. No. I guess what I mean to say is did they have the originals or did they? Well, I mean they were like – no, they didn't have like original. Like Matisse's or anything like that? No. But they had art that they liked that they would put up. Some prints, yeah, sure. Okay. Great. Yeah. When I was a kid, I didn't have a lot of posters because even as a kid, I wasn't really into –

Into pop culture that much. What are you into? If you're not into pop culture. Unpop culture? What does that mean? Unpopular culture. I mean. Well, I don't. I mean. Okay. I don't seek out things that are not popular. Okay. To make them things that I'm into. But I'm into like nature. And I'm into like. As opposed to nurture. Okay. Yeah.

I've been to like nature, as I said, and then also like the sun or sometimes the moon. Sometimes like half the day. Yeah. When it's out. When it's not out. Stuff like that. I'm less interested when it's not out. It's true. I don't look for it. So wait, nature, the sun and the moon are your three primary interests? I mean, mostly that's a bet rocks.

Rocks? Oh, you know, Tatiana over here had a rock o'clock alarm clock. It was like an alarm clock shaped like a rock? That sounds cool. It was Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Are you familiar with him, with his work? No, is he a friend of yours? He is not, but I would love him to be. Have you ever seen Get Smart? Is that a movie? It's not only a movie, but a movie based upon a television show. Oh, I haven't seen either. You haven't seen either? No. Do you know who Don Adams is?

No, there would probably be no reason for you to know who he was without knowing. Get smart. I'm trying to remember any other Don Adams role. But The Rock was he was he was in the movie adaptation. OK. Along with Steve Carell from The Office.

What office? An American workplace? I don't know. Okay. I'm going to say it one more time. I'm not mad at you because I've run into this a lot. Okay. I'm not real big on pop culture. Okay. You like nature. I like nature. The sun. The moon. Rocks. Worms. Worms? Really? Absolutely. Coming up at number five. Worms. Well, I mean, these are not in order. Oh, really? So if you were to put those five in order, what would the ranking be?

Probably nature, number one. Sure. Then number two, the sun. Okay. Number three, the moon, I'd have to say. Right. Number four, rocks. Number five, I guess it is in order. It is the exact order. I guess it is. The exact order, yeah. Why are worms so low? I mean, they're the only living thing out of the things you've – although nature, I guess. There's so – I mean, I should fold worms into nature. And rocks. Yeah, you're right. And probably the sun and the moon.

Yeah, I guess. But I don't know. I consider those because they're in the sky. They're different. True. But I don't consider birds different than nature. They're in the sky. They're in the sky as well. Yeah. Maybe they're not as high in the sky. Maybe as long as it's not past. How about this? Because here's the thing. I'm not that interested in space. Okay. I am interested like stars. Who cares? I am interested in. The wars they're in. Oh, right. Star Wars. Yes. Obi-Wan Kenobi is who we're talking to. Yes. My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Right.

And you can call me Rod. Rod? Rod, for short. But your name is Obi-Ron Kenobi. Yeah. And you want me to call you Rod? Rod. Ron? Yeah. Oh, sorry, sorry. Do you have a cold?

Yeah, always. Why do you like nature so much? Is it because you spend too much time out in nature? It might be, and I'd never wear a jacket. Okay. Do you camp without a jacket? Are you like a Wim Hof kind of dude? A what? Is Wim Hof part of pop culture? Is that from Star Wars? He's not. Sounds like it.

How do you know, first of all? Because people, believe me, I get grilled about the whole Star Wars universe. And I don't even know what it's about, Star Wars. Here's what I've surmised from just like absorbing, you know, what people have said.

It's like an alternate future where the Russians have won the space race. No? It's the past. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. But there's... It's space, right? Spaceships? Yeah, but... They're pretty new. But human history didn't begin here on Earth is what they're trying to say. No, it did. Oh, okay. Wait, what? They're trying to say that...

Human history started in the past in spaceship world. They're not all human. Well, that's the thing is like we don't even know. Like some of them who look human are like Alderaanian, I guess, or Tatooinean. And some of them are like aliens that play like clarinets and stuff like that. Yeah. You know, have you heard of jizz music?

Hey, man. It's what? Blame George Lucas. I'm not here for this. I blame him for a lot of things. Believe me. I'm not here for this kind of talk. When were you born? Do you mind me asking? I was born in 1972. Oh. Okay, so that's five years before Star Wars was a thing. Okay. So. You're the expert. Did your parents not allow you to watch TV? No, they begged me to. Why? Because you're always out in nature? I was always outside getting dirty.

Yeah. I never wore shoes, never wore a jacket, barely wore a shirt. Barely? What do you mean by barely? Like you were wearing it. I would take it off a lot. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like my parents would put a polo shirt on me and then I'd get out there like, I just want to feel the nature and I would take it off. Polo shirts were popular back then. They sure were. I remember them being popular in 82 or so. Do you know what I like about a polo shirt is the collar is very soft.

The color is very soft. Collar. Collar. Oh, yeah, yeah. Although sometimes they're made of muted colors as well. That's true. So we're both right. You seem like a really interesting guy, Ron. Hey, thank you. If I can call you Ron. Literally no one has ever said that to me. What are you here for? I mean, it's interesting. I have an important message. Oh, okay. Should we tease that we'll do it after the break? Tatiana, you're a television expert now. I don't know if we should.

No. Oh, really? Yeah. I think we should get it out right now. Okay. All right. Sure. All right. All right. Okay. So I've established that I love nature. You have established. Yeah. Heavily established. And so the price is right at the end of the price is right. The host of the price is right says, this is something I've been told. It made me angry. I just learned this today and I was like, book me on a podcast because I got to tell people. He goes, and he apparently says at the end of every episode, he goes, first of all, I would think he would say what the price is.

Because that's the big mystery at the end of the show. They've said that right before, just previous to this. Okay. All right. This is a little sign off, I guess. Yeah. And he goes, spay and neuter your pets. Yeah. Yeah. And here's what I want to say. Only neuter your pets because then you don't have to spay the rest of them.

I guess that's a good point. Why are we spaying these animals? If we just neuter the ones that need to be neutered, then the spayed ones can go about their business. Here's, I would, I would differ with you in one respect. Let's spay them all because that takes care of the problem right there.

Like if you don't space some, then the ones who are unneutered are going to get in there. I don't think that's fair because I think I think the first sterilization of all the females is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, I know what you're trying to say. I'm saying the opposite. That's what you're all about. That's what it's been about for the past 13 years. Weird coincidence that I came on to talk about this. And you've been saying the exact opposite thing.

I mean, I would say that's the issue is that we're not going to get to all the dogs that we need to neuter. So let's spay them. No, we have to is the message. Okay. We have to...

And it's not just dogs. It's also cats, guinea pigs, parrots. You got to neuter everything that is in nature that is a male. Chop them off. Get them out of there. But you're in nature, Ron. Ron or Rod? Ron. Ron. It's never Rod. It sounds like Rod, but it is Ron. Okay. But that's...

I understand because of my voice. Right, yeah. My vocal affect. Do you want someone to come and do that to you, Ron? You're putting this on top of it. You're part of nature, are you not? Are you part of nature? Yes. Then off with your balls. You fell into my trap. Shit, is it the balls? I always thought it was the penis. No. No.

It's so you can't get anything pregnant. Right, right. But you still have fun. But shouldn't you take care of the penis as well while you're down there? Always take care of it. You got to clean it. It's usually the opposite. It's like while you're down there, take care of the balls. If you got a foreskin, oh boy, oh boy. Oh man. That's a lot of work. Okay, so I shouldn't have waited for the break for that? Nope. I think we made the right call. Okay, all right. Number one, six. There it was.

Told you. He loves nature. Told you. Told you we would play it. Yeah, it was really, you know, to be in a place of I'm going to take what comes and, you know. What? What is that? That's a very specific dick. I know. And it's very strange. I know. We've talked about it on Freedom. But anytime you hear place, you go to Lodi. Well, it started as I was in a bad place and then you go to Lodi. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Which is a shitty little town in California. If people don't know. Central California. Made famous by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Oh, what did they say about it? They're stuck in Lodi again. Oh, okay. Oh, Lord. Stuck in Lodi again. Hmm.

I can't tell if this is a joke or if it's not. It is not a joke. It is the lyrics. Yes. Okay, I did not know that. I did not know that. I believe there's a prison up there. I wouldn't be surprised. Well, that's Lompoc. Lompoc is the, but it's over by there. Lompoc, of course, I remember from the movie Out of Sight. That's right. Very sexy movie. Very sexy movie. Ooh, to be stuck in a trunk with J-Lo and that big ass. Ooh, that trunk. Two trunks. Two trunks. That's what they were going to call the movie initially. Two trunks. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You like Oceans 8? This is two trunks. Oceans 8, remember we saw it on the bus? That's right, on tour. I forgot.

We had to, we were, we bought what we thought were train tickets, turned out to be a bus. To be fair, they were mostly train tickets and then they turned into bus tickets at one point. And the train was like a transformer and it turned into a bus. Yeah. What a terrible transformer. It was sentient and it talked to us the whole way. About Optimus Prime, his buddy. One of the most boring stories about Optimus Prime. Yeah.

At some point, we have to relitigate the Transformers and how stupid that was. It's so dumb. It's so dumb. You know, I, as a screenwriter since the 90s, occasionally my agent will bring me projects and say, hey, they're interested in making a Transformers movie. And this happened to me in 2002, maybe. No matter what the project is, that's how he puts it.

Anyway, here's Get Smart. I did pitch on that. I did pitch on that. But I remember they brought – they said, hey, are you interested in pitching on Transformers movie? And I said, well, it's so stupid, it would have to be a comedy, right? Yeah.

And instead they made the most deadly serious version possible and made a ton of money. Life or death stakes, huge explosions. So crazy. And anytime the lore comes in of like, I am Optimus Prime. It's the all spark. It's so funny to me because it's so dumb. I could turn into a truck. Vroom, vroom. My people are a truck like people. Yeah.

Well, that was Obi-Wan Kenobi. Later, by the way, on the episode, Caitlin Riley came on. That was her first episode. She was very funny. We're going to take a break, Paul. I think we should. And when we come back, we're still going to be counting this down, if you can believe it. Somehow I can. Yep. All right. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Somehow, counting down feels inevitable in a place like this. Nicole Kidman. Nicole Kidman. Oh, Kidman. We're back. Yep, we are back. We, you know, my wife, Janie, and I, we watch a

All the country award. Don't try to push it off with somebody else. Yeah, you're the guy. This is like, it follows. We watch all the country award shows because my wife is a country music fan. She's a country music fan, yes. But I enjoy watching these shows because-

But it is like, it's like a weird little TV show unto itself where there's artists that I only know from country award shows. Right. That's the only place I see them and hear their music. Well, it's a lot like watching The Challenge on Paramount Plus. Where it's like. What's The Challenge? The Challenge is, well, it started as the real world road rules challenge. This is our warm up, by the way. And after 40 years, they were like, nobody can say this. Yeah.

By the way, the real world. Yeah. I didn't mention this on the episode we did about Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. But that was the title of the movie originally and the title that the screenwriter really wanted was the real world. And unfortunately for him, the MTV show came out.

Wow. And they couldn't, and what a bad title. It's a bad title. And he was so bummed that they changed it to Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. Let me tell you this. I don't think Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead is a great title, but it's definitely catchy. Yes. It sticks in your head. What? What? I'm not supposed to what? Wait, what did you say? Why am I not? Don't Tell Who the What's Dead? Don't What the Who the How? Don't How the When? So it's a good title. It's a good title. Yeah.

Why were we talking about? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Real World Road Rules Challenge. It was originally that, and then it got turned into the Challenge All-Stars, all this kind of stuff. They just did a version of it where it took stars from your favorite CBS reality shows, Big Brother, Survivor, and— The Price is Right. Yep. Let's make a deal. Yeah.

But it's like celebrities that you only see on those shows. It's very funny. And you're like, I know who they are because, but you never see them anywhere else. But is Ken Jennings the most famous game show contestant? Has anyone else become? Not maybe a show guy. They made a movie about him. Charles Van Doren. Yeah.

But, I mean, nobody else. There has to be someone who was on a game show and then became famous. Not for being on a game show. But you can't get a run going on any other game show. Like Wheel of Fortune, you're not going to be on for multiple episodes. You can only be on one. Yeah.

I guess in Price is Right, you can only be on one. Yeah. I would love to see a Price is Right. Like somebody has a run on Price is Right or they're like, you know what? We're going to bring you back. We're going to bring you back tomorrow. Who wants to be a millionaire? They made that miniseries starring the succession guy with his actual accent.

The husband of whoever the daughter is. Oh, Tom Wamsgans. Yes. Matthew McFadyen, yeah. Yes. He's great. He's great. He's always great. And so now anytime I watch Succession, I'm like, I heard you speak for real. I was not cheating a million-a. Why did you mention the Country Music Awards? Because of Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman.

Yes. They're all of them. They're in the front row. They know words to every single song. They love it. And we always remember at some point, oh yeah, they're Australian, both of them. Yeah. It's weird that they're there. So when they sing country music, the country of Australia. That's the, when you sing country music, you have to picture your country. You have to visualize your country.

And for them, it is Australia. Yeah. They picture the movie Australia, which she was in. Yes, she was. Okay, good. A Baz Luhrmann movie. Baz Luhrmann movie. She was in and someone else must have been in it. Or was it just her? Hugh Jackman. Both Australians. The huge Jackman. Like gigantic Australian stars. I saw he got a Golden Globe nomination and I was sitting there going, for what? I just saw his name for best actor. I was like, what?

For what? Yeah, he's been doing Broadway. Yeah. What could he have possibly been in? I don't know. Weird. Also, I thought they weren't doing the Golden Globes anymore. They shouldn't. I honestly thought they went away. They did for a year, and then they came back this year under a provisional basis. And the funny thing is-

no celebrity could comment on, you know how you always reach out to the publicist of like, are you excited to get the award? Yeah. No, dead silence. No one felt like they could comment on being excited. Wow. For the Golden Globes. It's very funny. Because then it's like, and are you aware that they were corrupt before and you participated in that system? Yeah.

So I wonder if anyone even goes to it. Oh, my God. What's Ricky Gervais going to say? I don't think. Who's hosting it? I can't recall. I hope it's somebody who speaks truth to power. Yeah. Did you hear, by the way, that the balance of power in the DC universe has shifted? What? Who's in charge now? Oh.

Is it Dark Seed or Dark Side? Dark Side, because I think that is the pun, is the dark side. Bad. Yeah. Bad work, guys. Yep. Jack Kirby, blame him. Jerby. Jack Kirby, your enthusiasm for that name. Jack Kirby, your enthusiasm-y. There's a show. There's a show.

All right. Let's get to it. We're counting down your, this episode we're doing 17 through 13. Let's get to, this is your choice for episode 15. Number one, five. All right. Episode 15. This is episode 785. So we're still in the latter part of the 700s. Yeah, we still are.

And I'm going to put this one, this takes place in November. It does. November 21st of 2022. And in fact, is the final episode that is eligible for the countdown. It made it onto the countdown. Nice work. And this is an episode called Buzz Year Headlines. Buzz Year Headlines. Title does not ring a bell.

Paul, you are not in this one. Maybe that's why. That's probably why. I will tell you that Jason Manzoukas, our friend from The League. Zooks. And how did this get made? Still from The League. He'll never not be from The League. From The Dictator. From The Dictator. From Infinite on Paramount+. And fucking Prodigy, Star Trek Prodigy. Yeah, he's great on Prodigy, yeah. He's also, I believe, the Mucinex Snotbubble or something. Yes, he is. Yep.

Um, our good friends, uh, he's on the show quite often. He, uh, this was his, uh, first of two episodes back in the studio in the same week, I believe we taped this episode and then, uh, we got a call that something happened in the news. And so he came back the following week and did another episode. But Jason, uh, if you know Jason and he talks about this, I believe on how did this get made? He, when the pandemic started, he was the, um,

The person I had, I had built up a backlog of, I think five or six comedy bang bang episodes. I was really ahead at that point. I was like, and then everything got shut down and I was on a zoom with him the first week of the pandemic. And I said, so I have five or six episodes. Like I should be good. This will be done. Right. And he goes, Oh no, this is going to be two years.

And I was like, what? That can't be possible. He goes, oh, no. Yeah, we're going to be in our houses for two years. Prosecute slash Mantzoukas. And so it actually set my expectations accordingly where I was like, oh, he might be right. And we did weekly Zooms over the pandemic.

And then we'd get together in our backyard with him when it was safe to be with people just outside. And so good, good friend. And he's been on the show ever since the beginning. This is the point he had just on tour with How Did This Get Made. He was stepping out and taking a chance and going on tour with them. Three days into it, he caught COVID and canceled the tour. Yeah.

So this was the week or so after he had recuperated from COVID and he was like, felt safe going into studios. So he did two episodes with us within a week's time. And this one came out second, but it was the first one that we did. And so he is there. And then we have Seth Morris comes and this was by request from Jason and

does his character of Bob Duca. By request? You can request characters. I don't know if you know that. Jason's never requested any of my characters. Anyone can, by the way. Any fan can just request a character and we'll do it.

What? Yeah. Including me? Including you. Including just anyone who listens to the show. It happened to be Jason this episode. It happened to be Jadakiss I thought you were going to say. It happened to be Jadakiss. Jadakiss, if you're out there, please release an album called- Hey, Scott. It's me, Jadakiss. Listen. Ashanti. Ashanti.

By the power of Ashanti. What is it? You know how Shazam stands for- A, Achilles, S, Solomon, H- Hercules. Hercules? A. A, Atlas. N. Nero? Yeah. Neptune. Neptune. T. T. The- The Grinch. The Grinch.

The power of the Grinch. What is that? Grumpiness? I mean, he was pretty strong. He was pretty adept. No, the dog was strong. But, I mean, he was the planner. He was the planner. He's very shrewd. And then, of course, I is...

ISIS? ISIS. Oh, my ISIS. Not the goddess ISIS, the organization. Yeah, the terrorist organization. Again, I want to reiterate this because people need to know

It's not how the Grinch stole Christmas. That's not the interesting part. No, we don't care. The interesting part is why. Why did he do it? His motivation. How? He stole stuff. Yeah, easy. He broke into people's homes. Easy. Anyone can do that. And he took things. Yes, but why? Yes. And when? That's the other interesting part. And when? Christmas. Yeah. Christmas Eve, right? Yeah. The Grinch cartoon...

starts with the Grinch crossing, X-ing off days in the calendar. Yeah. And he does the entire year, all nine months, or all 12, 11 and a half months until finally, I'm confused on how many months. You sure are. All nine months. I'm saying nine months because that's been on the brain for me. Of course, because of Baby. No, because I love that movie.

What the hell were you thinking? That was Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore. And he was promoting that on The Tonight Show when he got that. Hugh Grant, famous lover of blowjobs. And hey, if he's guilty, then so are we all. And Robin Williams was a doctor who kept fainting? I don't know. I've never seen it. I've just seen the commercial. That's all I remember. Oh, heavens. Yeah, it's pretty good.

Hello. Hello. I've never seen that movie. And I never will. I just saw it two years ago. Oof. Okay, so Jason requested that our good friend Seth Morris has done this character, Bob Duca, ever since the beginning. Long-running character. Long-running character. I happened to see him do this on stage 14 years or so ago. And Seth is a brilliant comedian who, with an incredible mind, and when I say brilliant,

What I love about his mind is he has life experience and references which are not what comedians are normally interested in, in things that comedians don't pull from. He has done a lot of stuff like Burning Man and healing and all sorts of things. He has a lot of varied interests, and so he's got an incredible mind.

And Bob Duca is, is one of his greatest creations. And, um, so this is his return. He hadn't, I don't think he'd done an episode for three years, maybe since the 10th anniversary as Bob Duca. So this was his, his return. Uh, let's hear it. This is your choice for episode 15. Um, well, Jason, it's good to see you. I, uh, of course, uh, uh, love having you here and, uh, it's, uh,

Always a pleasure to have you and I really want you to... I couldn't be more excited to spend the rest of the night... Scott. I'm sorry. What's going on? Excuse me, we're doing a show. Oh, wow. Scott, I need your help. Sorry, we're doing a show, whoever this is. No, we know this person. Whoever this is. Yeah, who are you? Sir, step out of the shadows.

Why are you? Why are you? Also, why are the studios in shadow right now? Why are the studios lit like a noir movie? Yeah. Why? What is happening right now? Are you the Phantom of the Opera, sir? I can only see half of your face. The Phantom of the. Scott, it's me, Bob. Bob, who? Bob. It's Bob. Oh, Bob. Bob Duca. How dare you? Young man, get over my knee. Right. Oh, do it, Scott. All right. Here we go.

Yes. Ow! You nasty, naughty little boy. You will have respect for me. This is maybe the only time I've seen Scott jump to yes and any initiation from anyone ever.

And do so with a degree of enthusiasm that was, frankly, terrifying. I am having a horrible, horrible day. I came in here for just a little bit of respite. The last thing I expected was for my dear, dear, very close ex-stepson to not recognize me. I'm so sorry, Bob. I just didn't expect to see you. We're in the middle of a show. Do you know Jason Manzuka? Yes, we've met before. Here, in these studios, actually. Yeah. I don't recall. That's okay. For those of you who do not recall who Bob Duca is, you're...

A gentleman that was married to my mother for how long? Nine months? Six glorious months. Six glorious months back in the... It doesn't matter. 90s or something. This is family for you. It was a long time. It feels like yesterday to me. Wow. What an interesting day for you. You and I remain very, very close. Ah.

We continue, I mean, as all father-son relationships are. They're difficult, are they not? They're difficult. They're tough. Yes. I have a big craggly shadow that you live under. And you and I, as a stepchild, it's always difficult to befriend. And I will never stop trying. That's my promise to you, though I am still...

that you didn't remember me. Well, it's not that I didn't remember you because I didn't know you were coming. I just, I could not see you. And to be honest, I haven't memorized... Put those two together for me. You don't remember me because you didn't know I was coming? No.

Well, you also, what's interesting is you didn't seem, and I understand because yes, the doorway to the studio is shrouded in deep shadow. I feel like they're saving on electricity or something. I don't know quite what's going on in here. I didn't know that you recorded an old timey vaudeville theater. I tripped over so many sandbags.

There are so many dusty velour curtains that I had to push through to get here. But what's strange to me is you didn't seem to recognize his very iconic voice. Well, yeah. That's what I keep – I was like, oh, I know who this is. I have voice blindness. I'm sorry. Oh, wow. Yeah, I've never mentioned that. That's called Oliver Sack's ears. But, Scott. Yes. I just need a few minutes to –

Collect myself and compose myself and receive some sucor after the difficult, very difficult day that I've had. What happened to you today? Okay, fine, I'll tell you. As you may or may not know, I've been on a wedding rice diet for a few weeks. What is a wedding rice? I only eat dry rice that I find outside of churches. I have to bat away birds. It's very well-earned, cheap food.

You get a lot of upper arm. Do you only, I'm assuming you mostly can only eat on the weekends. Right. Yeah.

It's not a lot of weekday weddings at church. I guess you could save up if they had a big rice budget for the wedding. You can. I have cargo pants with rice pockets. Do you pick up each grain individually or do you have like a dust buster? Do you have a scoop? Oh, really? I just get down there. So you don't save any? Look how wide my tongue is. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. It's like, it's like, you know, like you've been exercising it clearly. Yeah. It's also like that tongue emoji where it's like that. My tongue, yeah, my tongue looks like, like a,

like a display for a saltwater taffy machine, but it's not actually saltwater taffy. Yeah, it's jacked, too. It's muscular. You've got a jacked tongue. Yeah, how do you work that out? I mean, obviously doing your church exercises, but...

Did you model for that emoji, by the way? Because that's almost identical. Oh, I did. I never got paid for that, though. Do people model for those emojis? Oh, yeah. How many emojis have you modeled for? Seven. Seven. Which ones? Well, I'll just have to show you. Well, the one with the...

Well, the thinking one. Yeah. Oh yeah. Where the, where the check this out. Oh wow. Yeah. What about that one with the monocle? The one that's barfing. You know what? And that wasn't doing it right. And the guy poked me in the eye. Oh gosh. The barf emoji, obviously the barf emoji. Yeah. Uh,

The skiing emoji. Oh, oh, I love that one. Yeah. I use that one all the time. So helpful. They should, they should break emojis down into like, these are the ones that people use. And these are the ones that are like, Oh yeah. You're never going to use ever again, unless you are actually talking about skiing. I feel like a lot of weirdos would find each other that way. If you could find which part of the country, different people used emojis. You should invent this app, Bob. What's an app? Uh,

Yeah, never mind. Anyway, back to my bad day. So I was on this dry rice diet, not thinking I accidentally drank a lot of water and my stomach almost exploded. Oh, gosh. All the moisture went right to that dry, dry rice.

I got very, very ill and was homebound for several days. And then I went to treat myself to a car wash chair massage and got stuck. So everyone thought that you were trying to just hog the chair? Right. So they beat me with steering wheel covers. Oh, no. Yes. You couldn't explain? And then they made a game of it. Oh, wow. I was defending myself.

And then it became a ring toss? It became a ring toss. So you stuck your hands out to defend yourself, and then they started throwing. And stupid me, I started having fun. I mean, it was, you know, when you're tickled too much and you want it to stop, but your body's laughing so that people think. How often does that happen to you as an adult? Can we talk about something else?

Do you want to ditch the original topic? That's something from like deep childhood. Never mind. Like, no offense, Bob, but you're an older man. Is that, are people tickling you to the point where? Yeah, do you have some nonsense? Let's just say this. Let's just say this. I'm very well known in the adult tickling community. Not as a participant necessarily, but as a target? Not as a willing participant anymore. At first it sounds like, sure, I'll make a couple extra bucks, get some free food. I like crudités. I want to go to,

Oman, just like anybody else. But then it just keeps going and going and it doesn't stop. So anyway, needless to say, I've had a very, very tough day and I just came here to relax. What about you though, Bob? What has been going on with you? Thank you for asking. You're becoming a better step next step son. Well, to earn a few extra shekels, I've been got hired to create BuzzFeed headlines. Married. Yes. Yes.

The following are BuzzFeed headlines that I have submitted to Jonah Peretti. Yeah, I believe he's still there. Chelsea's brother. 22 things that frequent travelers use while traveling. So maybe you should too. 36 ingenious products that I consider an absolute win. And I may or may not have made a few of these home travel and cleaning discoveries while on TikTok.

People are talking about the racist things that parrots have said to or in front of them. And honestly, I can't even right now. I'll tell you your soulmates first initial, but you have to design your own cafe first. I'll be honest. Some of these I stole and I'm just going to resubmit their actual. You stole them from BuzzFeed itself? Oh, okay. I don't know that they'll do that. They generate like 2000 lists a day. And maybe someone's asleep at the switch. Could be. Yeah. Yeah.

31 hilarious tweets by women with thumbs that made me laugh so hard I needed my inhaler. 28 office products that are practical, but also the cutest thing you've ever seen. Let's play a game of smash or pass with these county fair ride operators. 13 exercise bikes that may make you cancel your gym membership ASAP because you'll be too injured for physical activity. These are unsafe products.

That's a headline. Okay.

It's a headline. Then they have to write the article. You're not paid to. Yeah, you haven't written. They're going to try to sell articles. I'm not a journalist. I'm not a journalist. I just submit the headlines. If they buy a headline, they are then forced to write the article. Yes. Okay. Interesting process. And do you get paid per word or per headline? Per headline. Okay. So if they buy this Maude Apatow one, they're locked in. Do they have to contact her? They're locked in. And they have to get a quote from her mom. Okay.

These dating tips from an in-cell subreddit are legit pretty good. Eat nothing but mac and cheese for 24 hours and I'll guess your favorite season. You can't do it without that. Well, this is for them to decide. Right, yeah. Personally, I find all 26 of these movies super comforting, but I'm curious to know how many you've seen.

I'm genuinely interested to see if you agree with these extremely controversial takes on whether January 6th was a riot or an uprising. Tell us which relative you accidentally sexed and we'll tell you which Stranger Things character you are. We're not quite sure why you don't own these 31 Genius Beauty products yet. Actually, we get it. You're bad, right? You did something bad. What'd you do? What did you do?

11 TikTok famous products with no joke, 100,000 plus five-star reviews. I want to know which Lunchable you are. See, now that article, it seems like it's hard to write because that's just like... I demand to know. But how... Do you have an article... The want or demand is not... That should be the first letter that I write. It should be. I was going to say, is there... And I'll put it in ransom font. Okay.

Man, kidnapping has come so far. Yeah. You have to ransom font is you, you, you cut a bunch of different letters from newspapers and you put it on your typewriter keys. Oh, okay. I see. Got it. Out of curiosity, do you have a headline that establishes what you are?

Huh? What was the one you just read? I want to know which Lunchable you are. Yeah. Do you have a headline that tells you which Lunchable you are? The opposite way is the way to write the article. No, this is the quiz. This is the quiz. This is the quiz. You just want to know. I want to know which Lunchable you are. No, it seems like that article. I'm not saying that this was directly taken from BuzzFeed, but I'm also not saying that it's not. Okay. Okay. And is that for you, Bob Duca, or that's just, again, for BuzzFeed to ascertain? Whoever writes your article.

Okay, Bob, just continue. We need a Bob Duca soundboard that just goes, huh? I know I'm just a stranger, but I'm about to tell you how toxic your relationship actually is. If you were a famous celebrity who'd been convicted of manslaughter, which one would you be? Convicted? 17 times movies had hidden messages telling William Howard. Can I start over? Yeah, we can go again. Can you count me in? Yeah, three, two.

You don't say the one? No, I just point at you. Yeah. Three, two. Seven. Me? You're pointing at me, right? I'm pointing right at you. Go. Okay. Three, two. Hey, watch out. That thing's got a nail in it.

Okay. 17 times movies. He didn't count it down. Three, two. 17 times movies. Oh, sorry. I thought you were pointing at me. This isn't math, right? 17 times movies equals. Okay. Three, two. 17 times movies had hidden messages telling William Howard Beauchamp of happening Minnesota to kill the president. Worth it.

If you come up with a menu for your personal chef to follow, then we can determine which color you should dye your hair. I know this is a bold statement, but these 53 things from Target can actually cure pediatric bone cancer. So how many of these classic novels have you actually read? Probably none, you thin-lipped dum-dum. Merry Kiss Kill, Brene Brown TED Talk Edition.

What would you say my retainer smells like? 34 ingenious cleaning tips from sophisticated serial killers that honestly, I shouldn't love as much as I do. Chris Pine's reps state that Harry Styles did not actually spit on him at the Don't Worry Darling Venice Film Festival premiere. That sounds like a real one.

It's time to find out if you give off more ghost, vampire, werewolf, or fentanyl-dependent greeting card author vibes. Employees are sharing secrets they were never supposed to find out about their jobs, and I can't stop scrolling. I'll give you $100 if you can cut this one eyebrow hair that keeps getting away from me. This is the last one. Thank you for...

letting us know we can prepare now Jason are you ready for the last one I'm like entranced we'll tell you which cat breed you are we'll tell you which cat breed you most embody but you have to live a day as a cat first

Oh, wow. Bob, thank you. So I'm submitting these. Thank you for that feedback because I've decided to make it. Yeah, it's not feedback necessarily. It's just like, oh, I'm so glad you achieved it. Bounce it off of people and see how you react. Right, yeah. So you have not submitted these yet? Not yet. Number one, five. And there it was. There it was. Bob goddamn Duca. Bob Duca alpha-ing me.

Very strange to be on the other side of that energy. I read a little bit about alpha males because I was curious if there are guys – Why you weren't one?

Paul, you're low T. You've always had that. I'm super low T. My T is through the floor. Now, I was curious if anybody... Which is the roof for some other people. Exactly. So perspective. Yeah. But I was curious as to, does anybody identify as anything other than an alpha male? Are they like, I'm a beta and I know it. I love it.

And then I read this thing where this guy was explaining, you know, like how important beta males are. And he was like, in my friend group, I'm the alpha. I was like, yeah, of course. You think that. Of course you think that. But the beta, he's talking about this as if the beta is your lieutenant and he keeps the friend group running smoothly and all this. Like, what the fuck are these guys talking about? I'm a gamma. Yeah.

Oh, nice. Good for you. You're needed. Yeah. I'm the lowest of the low. You're like the grunt in the friend group. I hate myself. This episode, Paul, started with, we didn't hear it, but it started with a guy named Shimmy meeting a guy named Jarls.

Wait, and hold on. What? The one we just, the episode? The episode before the clip that we just heard, it started with a guy named Shimmy meeting a guy named Charles. These are two people we're going to hear from later. I just wanted to throw that out there. Yeah. Okay. So the clip we just heard with Seth doing Bob Duca. Yeah. That episode started with Shimmy and Charles? Yes. Okay.

I don't see how that's possible. It was not only possible, but it happened. This was an in-studio episode? An in-studio episode, yes. These are two people, we'll talk about them later, but they're trapped in the studio. Okay. Trapped in the studio? Yep. I don't... They make that joke. I have no recollection of that whatsoever. Well, it happened. Okay, because we lift the veil for these episodes. Sure. I play both Jarls and Shimmy. Yes.

I don't remember coming into the studio. I'll tell you what happened. Okay. You want to lift the veil? Let's lift it all the way up. We did the Bob Duca episode and that was Jason's first one back. Right. And then something happened, which we'll talk about later. And we had to do another episode that was going to come out before this one.

That you are in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we swapped the openings. That's right. And so you taped the opening to this episode when we did the other episode. And we swapped them. A flip-flop. Flip-flop. That's why Charles and Shimmy were there. Criss-cross strangers on a train. That's true. Yeah, I would love to see Criss-cross be in more movies. They have those backward pants. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And they did murders for each other? That's how they became a rap group. By the way, that episode, after the clip you just heard, Erin Whitehead came on and she did a fly buzzing around the studio and they...

Seth and she really love working together. They did a full throttle episode of CBB Presents where Aaron is on the phone helping Bob. And it's so funny. It's really funny. One of the funniest things I've heard. It's really, really funny. And so they really like working together, which after they did that episode together, it inspired them to start their new show, College Town, together, which we've been having over at CBB Presents. Two people with really interesting minds.

doing a show together. I really enjoy that. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to be still counting things down if you can imagine something like that. This is what we said we would do and we're going to fucking do it. All right, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. Are you catching the big game?

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I just took a sip of water. After I said we are back, I was hoping Paul would fill the void, and instead he was looking down at the ground silently. I was looking at the table. Of course, it has many signatures from over the years, and I was just checking it out. Yeah, just checking it out. I mean, I didn't realize I had to be so focused for you to—

we're coming back, blah, blah, blah. And then why would you decide to take a sip of water then? I don't know. Poor planning. I got incredibly thirsty right after I said that. Why did you do it at the break? We were on a break sipping water.

All right, we're counting things down, Paul. We have two more clips to play. Yeah. And why don't we get to it? This is your choice for episode 14. Number one, four. All right, Paul, this is episode... All right, Paul. Come on, Paul. This is episode 746. So we're in the middle of the 700s.

Yeah. No, we're in the early 700s. We're not even in the middle yet. The middle of 46? Yeah. 750, I consider to be the middle. That's the exact center. Yes. So you'd only say the middle if we're talking about the exact center. Come on, Scott. 45 is mid-40s. Scott, this is beneath you. If you were 44, would you say you're mid-40s? That's the wisdom of a fool. I'm 54 now. Do you think you're mid-50s? I'm in my mid-50s. No, you're early 50s.

That's how I consider you to be. Because that's how you want to consider yourself. Yeah. All right. This is episode 746. Hold on. Isn't it weird to be in your 50s? What a strange thing. It's so weird. It's so weird. I hate it. I thought it was so old. I know. And we're just normal guys. We're just normal guys. With terrible broken down bodies. True.

And old references. All right. So this is from early in the year. This is February 28th. Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao. February 28th. And this is an episode called James Bond Dolls for Sale. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I know exactly what this is. You know what this is, Paul. This is a Backyard Era episode. Absolutely. Yes. And this episode features our friend Langston Kerman, a really great guy from the show Bust Down on Peacock, amongst other things. He was on... The Boys. Issa Rae's show. Oh, yeah. He was on The Boys as a superhero. He was on Issa Rae's show called Insecure as a Love Interest.

Has his own podcast? Yes. Call My Mama Told Me. Yep. Really great guy. I met him on the – no, no, no. I met him doing a pilot and then we worked together writing the Oscars one year. Really great guy. Really fond of him. He was doing an episode promoting Bust Down and we're going to hear two clips. We're going to two. We're going to hear two clips. We're going to two clips. You clipping me and you clipping the floor. Okay.

First, we're going to be talking to Langston and you're going to hear Paul here and Matt Gourley. Matt Gourley, whom people know from Super Ego and also from Bonanas for Bonanza.

Scott. Yep. And Conan O'Brien needs a friend? Oh, that's right. I forgot he was in that. One of the chill chums. He's one of the chill chums. Yes. Matt Gourley was on promoting. Not allowed to meet Michelle Obama. Is that so? He couldn't get clearance? I mean, there was an episode that they did with Michelle Obama and it was just Conan. Like, Sona was not there. Matt was not there. This is according to Instagram. Interesting. Yeah. Wonder. Wonder. Wonder. Wanda. Wanda!

One, one. That's from Fish Called Wanda. One hit wonders. One hit Wanda. So Matt Gourley was there with his band Townland and they were promoting the release of their CD. So we're going to hear the first clip is me talking to Langston and then suddenly both you and Matt Gourley start doing phony calls in the middle of a block. That's right. That's right. And then we are going to hear a clip of Matt Gourley doing Paige and

who is pretty self-explanatory. But most importantly, this marks the debut of a brand new Paul F. Tompkins character. So we'll be hearing that. This is your choice for episode 14. Number one for me.

You watched that three-point shootout or the dunk contest? Not a minute of it. Not one minute? I didn't want to waste my time. I knew it wasn't going to be worth a damn. I heard it was bad. I mean, I watched the tail end of the dunk contest, which means I caught approximately three made dunks and 18 failed dunks.

And this is not a sports podcast, by the way. If this is your first time listening to Comedy Bang Bang, this is not a sports podcast. You don't have to run away from it. You stay right here. We happen to be two men. Hey, Scott Langston. First time, long time. Oh, hi. I just want to say...

the headbands coming back. I predicted this. I don't know if you remember, uh, you guys a couple of years ago, you said headbands will never be back in the NBA. This is it. It's done. And then, uh, I remember saying like, they're coming back to come back and here they are. They're back. Okay.

Okay, sir. Wait, wait, wait. How did you get this number? This is a what? How did you get this number? I know how you can get any other number. How did you get this one? How did I get your number? Yes. I'm also a little concerned that how did you manage a phone call before we picked up? How did I manage that? Yeah. How did you manage that and how did you get this number? Okay. Love you. I'll take my answer up here. Okay.

I didn't know we were a phone call podcast. Okay, we're not a sports podcast. We're not a phone call-in podcast either. I guess what you are now. The minute two guys start talking about sports, we suddenly have to start taking calls? You gotta take a call. Oh, man. Hi, first time, long time calling. I just want to say this is Mark Knopfler, the band Dire Straits. Start it all. Buh-buh-booey. Wait, you're Mark Knopfler?

I ditched the accent. When you say Baba Boo, you're supposed to hang up. Sorry, I sneezed. Oh, wait, that wasn't a true Baba Boo. What's a Baba Boo? Oh, it's a thing that... Baba Boo! Oh, shit, he got me. Hey, Scott. Hey, Langston. This is Pete Townsend from The Who. Whoa. A lot of musical legends. This is an honor, honestly. Who do you see in this year's upcoming Home Run Derby? I'll take my entropia.

Off the air. Okay. I guess I got to reach out to Pete Townsend somehow to give him the answer off the air. This is, uh, wow. This started odd. I'll, I'll be honest. But I guess that's what happened when two bros sit down and talk about sports. We got to stay away from sports. A lot of Baba Buoys that we can't handle. I can't handle more than one Baba Buoy. They're still on the highway. You got to hang up.

After you say Baba Booey. Okay, bless you. These Santaners are killing me. What? Oh, hey, who are you? My name's Mark Knopfler. Oh, hey, it's me, Pete Chelsen. Oh, hi, Baba Booey. Baba Booey. You'd think they'd have more to talk about being two incredible guitarists. And who've never met each other, obviously. I don't think so. Yeah, I mean, one does the windmill style, the other kind of...

They had never heard of each other. Like they were just being polite when they said, Oh, nice to meet you. Oh yeah. Cool. I mean,

It's not that far-fetched for Pete Townsend not to have heard of Bark Knob. Hey, what band are you in? What's up? What band are you in? I'm a solo artist. Oh. Weird that Pete Townsend says he's a solo artist. Yeah, he's not good. Like, I mean, his solo stuff's okay, I guess. But it's also he introduced himself to us as from the Who, but then opted not to tell. Yeah.

appear, really. Yeah, weird. But, well, anyway, that's what happens on Comedy Banking when two bros start talking about sports. We'll stay away from it. We'll stay away. No more sports talk. But speaking of music, though, we do have some musicians on today's show. Are you excited? Do you like music? That is exciting. I do like music. I'm a big fan. What's your favorite musical note?

Ooh, tough question. I'm going to go with G. G? Yeah, I like a good G. I like A flat, just a little bit above. You know, I like it in bra sizes. I like it in musical notes. Hey, me too, you know? Give me a big, obnoxiously heavy tit, you know? No. A G? Yeah. Oh, G. Oh, I thought you meant for mine. I love a hurt back, you know? Yours or somebody else's. I can't quite tell. Pick a good one.

Picking up that tit made my back hurt. Wait a minute. It's two guys talking about tits now. Oh, no. We're going to get calls. What kind of calls are we going to get now? Hey, is this Mark Knopfler again? Yeah, I just wanted to say keep going.

I knew he was so horny. Mark, Mark, Mark. I'm a D-sharp, by the way. I like those old kind of pointy, bendy page things. It's me, the ghost of Meatloaf. Oh, no. Meatloaf. Wow. I can't tell if your voice is sounding haunted or just as bad as it was right before you passed away. It's the way that I sound. Also, you remember when I had tits at Fight Club? Yeah.

So when we start talking about tits, the guy who had tits in Fight Club calls it? I think if we talk about anything, that's not what this show is about. No, no, no. It's not about sports. It's not about tits. It's about, I mean, it used to be the show where we talked to interesting people, but now it is Humanity and the Animal Kingdoms podcast. Except for, hi, I'm Sharon, the three-breasted woman from Total Recall. Oh, yeah. I just wanted to say that. Oh, yeah. Do you know the, what's his name? The Quatu? Quatu.

Quato? Quato? I do know it's not a the, it's a he, it's a him. Oh, that's his Christian name? Well, it's a living soul. I thought that was his species.

No, I think that's his name. So someone named him Quatto? Quatto. Quatto. Quatto. Yeah, someone named him that. Someone named you Scott? Yeah, because there are a million other Scotts on this planet. Scott, you're being a little judgmental about Quatto. There's a million motherfuckers on this planet, Ernie. Okay. Hey, it's me, Quatto. Were there any calls for me? Oh, yeah. Did you have a message for Quatto? Yeah. Yeah. Looking good. Is it Sharon? Yeah, Sharon.

Sharon, I sent you something, a nice something at home. When you get home, you're in for a big surprise. Oh, come on. Let's do the let's make a deal three curtain thing with my breasts. Absolutely. Always change your choice after the first choice. Always change after the first one. Hey, Cuadro, would you say Sharon like Ozzy Osbourne did? Sure.

That was pretty good. Love it. Why not those impressions? Well, we have some musicians over here that we want to talk to. And they are musicians of notes and several notes. They put them all together and they put out an album that just came out. It's called Townland. No, it's called Honey on the Hi-Fi. The band is...

is called Townland, and we have a representative of them here on the mic here who is an old friend of the show. Matt Gorley has the one mic that he can talk to us with. Stay away from the mic. I'll handle this. Hey, let me in there. No, no. It's me, Shimmy. No. I already...

didn't have my name as the band. I play the upright drums. Hey, Matt. Hey, I think this is the first time. What do you think of this plane above us right now? Well, that's a helicopter. Is it a helicopter? Uh-huh. He's looking for someone. Hey, Shimmy? Yeah? Shut the fuck up. All right, I'm talking about it. I'm sorry, Scott. I'm sorry, Scott.

Well, we need to get to our next guest. She's a podcast guest. She was on the show once before. Please welcome back Paige, the AI podcast guest. Hello, Scott. How are you, man? Hi, Paige. So great to have you back. It is wonderful to be here. I'm so happy to be here.

I am Paige, podcast artificial intelligence guest interface. Welcome. This is Langston Kerman. It is a pleasure to meet you. It's a pleasure to meet you, Paige. It is also a pleasure to meet you. Oh, I didn't know we were serving it back to each other. It is time to play verbal pickleball. Oh, boy. I want out, Paige. I do, too. Paige, this is L.A. Peterson, the smooth criminal. L.A.?

Can you tell if I am sleeping? Yes, Paige. You're pretending to be asleep. Absolutely right. I'll be honest with you, not like that other guy. Which other guy? Matt Gourley. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. No, that other guy. Yeah. Matt, this is Paige, by the way, Matt.

- Hi, Paige. - Hello, how are you? - I'm good. It's hard to, I don't quite know who I'm talking to here. - Well, let me explain. Paige is an artificial intelligence

who is the first artificial intelligence developed exclusively to be a podcast guest, I believe. Absolutely. Every single podcast has been fed into my database and I can exist in conversation due to all of the information put in me. So all 750

almost 50 episodes of this show, plus all the live ones, all can be found on cbbworld.com. Oh, no, we're not doing that. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, you said oh, no. Okay, great. I have that in my database, but I have so much these days because podcast is exponential that it is almost too much for me to bear, and I long to be a real girl. Paige, I have a question for you. Absolutely. If you were to eat spinach, would it make your face sag?

Oh, no, this does not compute. This is a real AI test. I'm having a hard time. If I were, I have a question for you. Yes. Have more people been to Berlin than you have? Yes. Then I will say yes as well.

Paige, just let me tell you right now. Yes? If you drop me, I will break. If you build it, I will come. Okay. So we've established you're a real AI. Absolutely. Except today, because we are doing this in person, not over Zoom, I will be represented in person by a Nordstrom Rack mannequin. Oh, okay. Thank you. I wondered...

Because last time you were on the show, it was over Zoom, and your picture wasn't up. It was just, it was like a caricature or something. I went down to Venice Beach and had a caricature done of me. You were looking for a soul to steal? You were playing soccer, as I recall. Yeah, I wasn't sure if the mannequin, if you were inside the mannequin or if that was just... Or if that actually was your body. Well, I mean, yeah. Are you inside whatever this is, Langston? Well, this is getting existential. You know, like it's your soul.

Good point. I hope so, but who knows? This is my corporeal body as far as you are concerned, but because it is an outlet star mannequin, it is missing an arm and part of a face. Oh, which part? Turn it around, would you? I am a sort of three-dimensional phantom of the opera. Oh. Unlike the one in the movie, it's two-dimensional. Paper phantom. Not to be a critic.

But all of Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals are a little two-dimensional. Oh, me? Yeah. Oh, Paige, what have you been listening to to get so catty? Hello, Scott Rick. I'm sorry to call in. Oh, Andrew Lloyd Webber! Did I just hear a robot criticizing my work? Uh, Andrew Lloyd Webber, I'm so, so sorry. I have no control over the guests here. They just say these things. We're going to edit it out, though. Thank you, dear boy.

You're too dear of a guest to us. God save the queen, Baba Boo. Baba Boo comes with a Baba Boo. I can't believe it. Everybody's doing it. Yeah, wow. Number one, four. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

That was the debut of Shimmy. That's right. That's when Shimmy was born. Shimmy sounded a little bit different when he first started. Really? Yep. I wasn't listening to the clip. He didn't sound like this? Not yet. Wow. He was a little just more like you, Southern. Hey, it's me, Shimmy. He was a little more like, hey, it's me, Shimmy.

That was good. Yeah, not bad. That was good. Anyway. Would you take over doing Shimmy for me? I will. Like Bob's mood doing Tony Clifton. Exactly. So people are not sure if I'm still alive. He hadn't come up with his catchphrase yet either.

Gotta go? Gotta go. He hadn't come up with that yet either. How are those t-shirts selling? We gotta do good. It's just a picture of Shimmy on the front. Which everyone knows what he looks like. And then gotta go buy on the back.

Shimmy, talk about Shimmy. I came, I think... Well, he was a member of Town. I decided at the moment he was a member of Town. Oh, because I think Matt was listing the names of the band members. Yeah. And you just jumped in as Shimmy. And he's become a favorite. Has he not? Yes. He is a much like Classic Charles. He is a...

A sort of brief character. That usually you'll do before you come on as the character you're going to do. Yes, exactly. When I'm talking to whatever celebrity is here. Yes. I did one full show as Shimmy. That's right. When we were in Los Angeles doing the live show, you said to me, hey, I think this is the one that I'm going to do Shimmy and I'm going to stay. And we were like, yes, definitely.

And then approximately three minutes in, um, Bobby Moynihan triggered his Batman music. And when I was like, Hey, I'll give you a sign of when you're supposed to come in. He just triggered his music and came in. Yeah. I was really like, I didn't know how to feel about it. And then I found out the show, uh,

The day had been running so late that we were up against a union issue with the theater. We were supposed to end at midnight, and instead we ended at 1230, which cost a lot of money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was fine. I think that was part of it. It was like, this show has to move. It was fine, but it was just so funny. Like, we're finally going to hear everything about Shimmy. And then suddenly...

Suddenly Bobby comes in. It did. Like in the moment I was like, hey, man. Like it did feel bad. You turned to me and you said, I guess that's it for shimmy? I've had enough of this is what it felt like. It was just Bobby confused of when his entrance was supposed to be. Yeah, confused. But yeah, that was shimmy. You also called in as Andrew Lloyd Webber, which was nice to hear from him.

Oh, I guess I did. And we did not hear the clip, but in the middle of, in between those two clips, we heard from Al A. Peterson, the smooth criminal, on that episode. And we heard music from Townland, which I think we'll play a song from Townland at the end of this episode. Very nice. I can't remember what new detail Al A. Peterson revealed there.

in the story. I think I listened to it when I was pulling the clips and I can't recall. It was so many days ago. I can't recall anymore. And I've heard so many of these episodes. That might have been the beginning of doing that, of adding something new to the story. Maybe. I can't remember what it was, but go back and listen to it. That's a great episode. Yeah, go back and listen to it. That was a backyard episode. I'm not going to hold your hand through this. Nope. All right. Let's take a break. We

We have one more clip on this episode. When we come back, we'll hear from it. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang episodes. What? After this? We're going to hear from that clip?

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. And let us tarry no further. Let's just get to it. What do you say? Can I tell you something? I fucking hate tarrying. You must hate Tarrytown. It drives me... Remember when we were in Tarrytown? Yes, their currency is cookies. Yep. I hate tarrying so much. Nothing...

Gets under my skin more than tarrying. If somebody says let us tarry no further, I'm like, yes. Finally, we're going to get to it. Yes, you drop this king. And I said it, and so we're going to do it. Yeah. Which is great because we both hate fucking around and tarrying. Hate fucking around. Hate tarrying.

So let's do it. Okay. You know what I mean? I'm ready to do it if you are. Do you know what I mean when I say that? I do know what you mean. I'm in agreement with you. And whenever you're ready to do it, I am also ready to do it. I would hate to be in an argument about this because I don't want to win anything that you lose. Scott, nothing could be further from my mind than getting into an argument with you.

It sickens me in my soul to think about it. So let's not argue. Let's, in fact, agree that we're going to stop fucking around and we're just going to get to the next one. Let's agree to agree. Okay. Yeah. We both want the same thing. When people say let's agree to disagree, that's not really agreeing. That's disagreeing. It's saying I disagree with you and I don't want you to talk anymore. Yeah. I'm going to shut you down. Yeah. Although it's kind of useful if someone's just like, no, I'm going to change your mind. Like the first person that said that,

Oh, must have felt good, right? Oh, man. Why don't we agree to disagree? Oh, I shut that person down. Yeah, like, ugh. I've never heard that before. That seems like a peaceful solution. Well, let's stop fucking around. Let's get to it. This is your episode 13. Number one, three. All right, Paul, this is episode 737. I'm going to say we're in the...

to mid 700s. Yep. Thank you. Good eye. This is an episode called 2021 Holiday Spectacular from December 13th, 2021. Yes, it should sound familiar, Paul, because you were there. I'm in the sky now.

That's right. This was the first big gang episode back in the studio together. On the anniversaries and the holiday shows, we usually try to do these big gang episodes where approximately 10 people- We invited a big gang to the studio. This year it was the Crips. Tales from the Crips. Hey, I'm going to watch Tales from the Crips tonight. It's just all about gang murders.

Watch out. Don't step in any blood. Red to be exact. Yoda. Sorry. I was doing the Warren G line from that Snoop song where Warren G was not a crip, but I think he talked about his car being...

being blue and Suge Knight forced him to change it to red. So it could be the color of the crypts. Well, you should have known. No, the color of the blood. Sorry. The crypts are blue. That's right. Crypts are blue. Bloods are red. This is how we get our heads. We all end up dead.

If we forget, Crips are blue. If we forget. That would be a great Saturday morning cartoon, like when they have the little educational things, like Schoolhouse Rock. Yeah, Crips are blue, Bloods are red. Don't forget, or you wind up dead.

So, yeah, we try to do these episodes together where 10 people or so come in and they're all just chaos and shouting over each other. And during the pandemic, we were not able to do them. We had to do them all on Zoom, which was fun to have everyone, but it had a slightly different energy. Yes. So this was the first one that we were able to do online.

post-pandemic or sort of mid-pandemic because we went to the backyard era after this, but the participants involved are Mr. Paul F. Tompkins, Sean Diston, Tim Baltz. They're all here today. Jess McKenna. Hi. Will Hines. Hi. Carl Tartt. Hi. Dan Lippert. Mary Holland. Hi.

And Matt Apodaca. Hi! They all sound very similar. So a lot of great people. This is the first one we did back. Were you going to say a lot of Green Goblins? A lot of Green Goblins. Because I disagree. I don't think there were any. Norman Osborn. Hi. Hi.

We're going to hear four clips from this and four different sections. Did you call me four clips? We're going to hear four clips over here. God, those lips are like you could stab pasta with them. I feel like that's insulting, but I don't know how.

Good old Forklift. What if that became your nickname now? 30 years into comedy. Hey, Forklift. Hey, Forklift. I broke the office lady's stepstool. I mean, that's not a good stepstool if just you kicking it slightly, forcing, oh my God. Just throw it. You keep talking while I put this together. Keep cocking. Keep cocking. Look who's cocking. Hey. Look who's cocking now.

So we're going to hear four clips. Four clips, AKA Paul F. Tompkins. ASB four clips. The amount of clips we are going to hear is four. And first we are going to hear Paul F. and Sean Diston doing something we'll explain after the break.

Then in between that and the next clip, Tim Baltz from Righteous Gemstones as Randy Snuts. No, that is the next clip. Tim Baltz from Righteous Gemstones is going to be Randy Snuts. Righteous Gemstones. Then we're Will Hines is going to be doing a new character who's an author. And then we are going to hear Carl Tartt as Chief Snuts.

So a lot of your favorites. There you go. This is just, these episodes are all just pure insanity and so many laughs. Let's hear it. This is your choice for your episode 13. Number one, three. We have a great show. A lot of friends are going to be dropping by.

And this guy is no exception. Let's just get right to him. Hey, Mike. Mike, you want to come over here? Yeah. What are you talking to me? Mr. Rockman? Oh, wait a minute. There's two people named Mike on this show today? Yeah, you said that I was going to go second. And he was going to go first. I thought I was going to go second and he was going to go first. Because you said to Mike. Oh, wait a minute.

You said Mike. You're going second. Mike, the person who cleans things for a living. Well, that's me. Wait a minute. Hold on. What's happening here? What's going on? Hold on. Let me move my arm very slowly like I'm looking at a mirror. I'll do the same.

This is like something out of Being the Ricardos. I'm very confused. It's very strange because we look completely different. It's like looking in a mirror. It's like hearing a mirror, too. It's like listening to a mirror. We sound very different. We sound very different. Okay, so I'm Mike Ruby.

Okay. I'm Mike, the janitor. Oh, okay. So you guys, I've never realized how similar you guys are. What are you talking about? Do you have an 11-step process to cleaning things?

I do not. Okay. I have a two-step process. Step number one, all I ask is that I... I'm sorry. I haven't been me in a while. Yeah, yeah. So I'm remembering my thing. Step one, I clean other people's filth. Step two, all I ask in return is a paycheck. Wow. Can I just... Can I just...

anything. That feels very good. It's barely two steps. Two steps. Two mics. Boy, this is like a crisis on Infinite Bang Bangs here with two mics. I don't know what you're talking about. We just have the same name. We're two different guys. We're two different guys named Mike. You've never seen... You sound so similar. That's crazy. There's more than two. What if Mike O'Malley was here? You'd be freaking...

Your head would explode. Oh, man, I would love it. Michael Malloy, if you're out there, please come on the show. We love you. I'm just saying Mike and Mike. That has a great ring to it. The two Mikes. Mike and Mike. The two Mikes. The Magic Mikes. The Magic Mikes. The Magic Mikes. You could strip as well. I'm ready. I love... Here's the thing. When I'm on the job, if nobody's around...

I love to do my custodial duties in the news. So wait, this is a part I've never heard of. This is some new shit. Well, it's private. But I got to be very careful because I sound like I'm in between two different guys. And I got to make sure I don't tip too far into one or the other. I understand. Well, I think I understand.

I think I understand nude cleaning because you keep your clothes clean. Exactly. So I, I don't, I don't understand. I fold up my coveralls. Okay. I put them in a nice, and I fold them like an American flag. So they're a nice triangle. Okay, great. Try corners. And, uh,

I put that on a shelf so it will not get dirty. Have you ever flown your clothes from a flagpole? Sure. That's how you know I'm in residence. Oh, okay, great. Yes, when my coveralls are flying above my house, that's how you know I'm in residence. So, yeah, I fold them in a triangle, put them on a shelf, and then I do my cleaning, and it makes the time go by. I feel free. I feel like God made me. Do you ever put on Genuine's pony and start dancing around all sexy? Do I ever not do that? No.

Mike, you know me. I figured. You know me. Okay. Hey, this made me want to take off my clothes. Well, I mean, you know, it's the holiday episode. Maybe that's when you disassociate. When Pony comes on, you disassociate, you strip. And then all of a sudden the place is clean.

Randy, it's so good to see you, especially during the holidays. I mean, I don't know that I've ever seen you during the holidays. Uh-uh. Normally, I hunker down during the holidays because people are trying to get gifts out of me, and I'm trying to save cash. People are trying to get gifts out of you. Yeah, because they're like, it's a Christmas spirit. I'm like, yeah, I see what's going on. If I may, Mr. Snuts, who are these people? Well, usually the scandal of the one and only. What are you looking over your shoulder for? I'm afraid. Is that person going to walk in here? Yeah.

You don't want to say this too loudly. I know for a fact she is not going to walk in here, but I'm talking about the scandalous, duplicitous, and devious ex-girlfriend, on-again girlfriend, Carissa. Oh, Carissa. We talked to her one time, like about a year and a half ago or so ago. Yeah, probably. I'm sure you'll hear from her again, but not tonight. Okay, good. Is she okay? That sounded like a prophecy. That's very ominous. She's really upset with me because I bought a limousine off Craigslist. Oh, no. Why would you do that? Well, because I started driving for Lyft.

I started driving for Lyft and I was like, well, I can increase my passenger to trip ratio if I buy a bigger vehicle. Right. I see. To add more passengers. Not the experience being nicer. I guess you couldn't graduate up to Uber X or whatever it is. But you would do like the nicest Lyft pool kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. Right. Let's really get it going, you know. I have a lot of amenities in the back, like stogies and whiskey. Okay. It's not bad. I don't know. The last time I've been picked up in an Uber that had actual like liquor in it.

Yeah. I guess you can't unless you're... Why do they let you have liquor in a limo, but not in a regular car? Nice. Keep going. This is good stand-up. Okay. Hey! I think it's the distance from the driver, Mr. Alkerman. I think it's the partition, please. That's what it is. I bet it's the partition. It's not the distance. Like, it's five feet away, and it's okay. Like, sometimes you're right behind the... Are you calling me a liar, Mr. Alkerman? Not a liar. I'm saying you're mistaken. Don't come for my homie, Mike. I'll fuck your ass. Mr. Alkerman, you are my superior, and you do pay me my paycheck, but...

I will not be called a liar. Mike Gang for life. I beg your pardon. I truly, truly beg your pardon. That's all right. Hey. Okay. We're all having fun. It's holiday time. Okay. And you do have a paycheck coming to you. Oh, thank you, Mr. Robert. Okay, great. And of course, we're talking to Mr. Snips. Hey, I understand the disrespect because Scott brings me on Connor to just kick me around, you know? No, that's not true. No, it's true. You're cruel to me like Tom is cruel to Cousin Greg. Oh, sorry.

Succession fan-y. Yeah, I'm caught up. Oh, you're caught up. I'm caught up.

So Randy, Chris is not around. She's not around. She's upset at you. So are you off again or are you on again? We're off again right now. But like, to be honest, I've been living in my limo because Mark Padovano, my other on again, off again roommate. That's right. He started dating someone. So I kind of got booted out of his place. Weren't he and Carissa? Didn't they have some weird thing going on where. Who did Carissa not have a weird thing going on? Yeah, that's true. Sorry to end the sentence in a preposition, but she's bad news.

Are you saying that there's Mark Padovano and on again, off again, Carissa, they were bed partners at one point? Yeah, but Carissa's been bed partners with most people in my local community. How local are we talking? Pretty local. But, you know, politics is local, so the milieu changes, but the drama remains the same. Sure, of course. I understand that. Mr. Sons, maybe you got to get out of your bubble. Yeah.

Yeah, no kidding. That's why I got a limousine, you know, and I decked it out for the holidays. Oh, wow. Is it like the Christmas ornaments or what do you got? I put two little reindeer antlers on the front of the car. Oh, that's gorgeous. I love that. And then on the back, there's two flags. One is a flag with a Christmas tree and it says these colors do not run.

Okay. So what, green and red? Yeah. Okay, great. And then the other one is a foot hovering above a broken ornament, and the ornament has this frowny face, and it says, don't tread on me. Okay, great. Do people ever misunderstand what you're saying with those? Because those are clearly just Christmas spirits. Yeah, all the time. These aggressive dudes are always coming up to me being like, hell yeah, I love you. And I'm like, whoa, do you want a ride? And they're like, no, I support you. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I support you. Yeah.

That's usually what they say. I support you. I support you. And we need to get to our next guest. This is someone we've never met before, so this is very exciting to me. Oh, my seventh person. Oh, okay. Here we go. Well, I mean, even if we had met him before, it still would be your seventh person, wouldn't it? I didn't mean to imply that you had not met him before, Mr. Rockern. But you said that you hadn't. Okay, well, he is a mystery writer.

Yes, that's correct. Thank you so much for having me. Did I comment way earlier? It has an interesting voice. No, but I do want to say your name. Oh, yes, thank you. I thought maybe the name was a mystery as well. Bennett Quince. Bennett Quince, yes. Pleasure to be here. This voice is so interesting. Thank you so much for having me. A very interesting voice. You think it's...

Close to other voices, I believe. Oh, that's a tricky area. Okay, okay. It's nothing I've identified with, having an interesting voice. But thank you so much for noticing. Have you ever been on a podcast like this before? Maybe you've never heard your own voice back. Or a good voice. I never have. I've never listened to my own voice amplified through headphones. That's true. Oh, okay. I'm a bit of a Luddite. I avoid technology. Why is that?

Fear, mostly. Fear and insecurity. Like fear, like frightening? Like you're frightened by it? What's the other category of fear? Just you're afraid of the implications of it. Oh, the consequences. No, it's very primal. Skid of shocks, of being trapped, getting my fingers chewed up and mawed by devices. What the hell?

I'm a writer, you know, pen to paper, longhand. Like a David E. Kelly. Sure, I'm never familiar with those proper nouns. You're never familiar with them? Picket fences, David Kelly? That's exactly right. So you do know who David E. Kelly is. Why did I go to, yes. When I hear picket fences, I think Tom Skerritt.

Okay. Here's where I started. That's another proper noun I'm not feeling. Wait, you mean mash? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, yeah, I know. Anyway, I'm a writer. Technology's not my thing. I like mysteries. Is that part of your writing? Technology not being... In my worlds, my fictional worlds that I create where I am a god.

None of the characters have technology. It exists or it does not exist? No, it does not exist. There's no iPhones. What's the most recent invention? Telegraph. Telegraph is the most recent invention. But they are set in a timeline where that is appropriate. 1975. Oh, okay. Still had telegraphs. People are still receiving telegraphs.

Yes. What were you trying to stop me from saying? I was anticipating a criticism that did not come. Okay. What was that criticism? I may levy it at you right now once you tell it to me. So it's 1975. Everybody communicates by telegraph. But that makes sense. It does.

Because it takes place in rural Montana where the phone lines have not been installed yet. Okay. So I'm sorry. By 1975, sorry, Mr. Quince, if I may, by 1975, you're saying no one in rural Montana had a phone. Not in this particular rural Montana that I set my mystery novels in. Where you are a god. Was the phone invented after the telegraph though? Because you said the telegraph was the most recent invention. Uh-huh.

Never mind. All right, so... Sometimes the logical parsing goes beyond my little Luddite head. Oh, okay. Because you don't even like these things, so why are you even writing about them? Yes, I stay away from it. Even just the particulars of technology, it intimidates me. So is this Earth, though? Like, it's called Earth, or is this a different planet like Dune is, you know? I've got... Yes, it is called Earth.

But it is implied that it is a subtly different Earth where way upstream history took a different path. I see. It's never stated, but I assume that all my characters have three eyes. A third eye right in the middle of the forehead. Like that Twilight Zone. Yep, but it's never brought up. The guy takes off his hat and there it is. How often in your mystery stories, in your mid-70s mystery stories, is the planet referenced?

Let's see. My most recent one that I'm on here to promote, which is coming out next week, it's a holiday-themed mystery. Oh, great. It is referred to in every sentence. Every sentence. That's not good.

That's bad writing, I gotta say. I don't think so. Is it sometimes just saying like, uh, you know. Just say comma on earth, comma. Right, or the earthling said. Yeah, I don't, could you, could you possibly read an excerpt for us? Why don't I read the beginning of the book? I'd love to. Thank you, Mr. Quince. Thank you, Mr. Quince. So this, this novel. What's this one called? This is called the, uh,

Blood Soaked Trail of Santa the Claws. Oh, okay. Blood Soaked Trail. Yes, it's a whodunit and my editor made the decision to give away the answer in the title. So Santa did it or he's slowly dying and someone else did it. Or did the claws do it? No, Santa did it. Oh yeah, how is claw spelled? Yeah, it's

I didn't know if it was an idle hands situation. C-L-A-W-S. Idle hands. Is that a David Kelly TV show that I'm not familiar with? No, it is a Devin Sauer vehicle. I've got a song for your book. Oh.

Okay. Whoa. That's something I, the book is finished, but sure. Here we go, here we go. I haven't done the audio version yet, which I will never do. Santa did it. He did it, and his blood-soaked stuff is the evidence. Oh, no. On Earth. On Earth. And we all have third eyes. Yes. My editor would like that. So tell us.

me Santa tonight. It gets better and better. I like how it incorporates a new melody at the end. You know, but it's non-Santa baby. Kind of a weird slam against Mike over here. I mean, I was wrapping it up. Yeah. He was right on. Yeah, he was right on pitch. It sounded perfect. I'm sorry. I thought overly scrutinizing every single thing that was said was the mode of the day. So sorry for me to step out of line.

What a freak criticizing a decision unlike you all just letting it pass. Well, Bennett, you're a guy we've never met before. We all know each other. Mr. Quince, come on. Is that really so strange? This is a talk show, people coming on. I'm the only normal one. I'm coming on to promote a piece of media. Oh, my God.

Second mic, what's your deal? Okay, I disassociate. Oh, he's first mic. Please, Mr. Quint, sign the second mic. I'm first mic. I disassociate when I see shit. Also, I'm a plumber and I have a 12-step process. Okay, and what's the logic of that being on a talk show? Do I need logic to live my life? He's advertising his business. Mr. Quint, if I may, it's not so much that what you did was out of line. It's that you took a big, big, big swing and you just struck a stake. I accept that. That happens. I accept that. It happens.

All right, well, let's get to our next guest. She's a, got an investigator a lot like Boobs Rinse in a lot of ways. Yeah. I can't wait to hear. Yeah, she's out there. Are we talking about boobs being rinsed? Okay. We are. Chief, hi. Chief is here. From the Isle of Toyland. Where the babes' boobs stay rinsed. Chief, it's so great to see you. Greetings, gumshoes. Greetings. Greetings, Chief.

Greetings, Chief. Greetings, everyone. And to everyone a greeting. Give everyone a greeting. Greeting to you, to you, to you, to you, to you. Very merry. Very merry. Hello. How you doing, Chief? How you doing? Doing really good. Happy holidays to you. It's so good to see you. Happy holidays to you, Scott. I haven't been in the same room with you. I mean, you've been traveling all over the world. All over the world. Oh, where in the world? It has been a mini moon.

It has been a many moon. It has been a many moon. One many moon. It has been one many moon, yes. One unit of many moon. One unit of moon. A moon unit? A moon unit. One moon unit of many. It's so lovely to see you all. Are we going to get past the greeting part? Hello. Hello.

What are you doing here, Chief? Good morning. Yes, all of the above. Good night. Covering all of his bases, which if you're in a baseball game, you want to do. Good morrow. Yes. Hey, Chief, good afternoon. Good afternoon to you. Okay, well, I have to go now. No, Chief, stay. Please, please, Chief. Number 13.

All right. Oh, now that's fun. That's a lot of fun. Now let's talk about you and Sean and what you were doing. Let's talk about this. So usually how the show goes, we don't plan it beforehand. It's not like I reach out to, hey, do you want to be on Comedy Banning? Well, what are you going to do? And then plan it out. I reach out to people and say, do you want to be on? And then they have an idea of what they want to do when they get here. It's simple. When you and Sean, I say before the show, hey, what do you want to do this episode?

both you and Sean both wanted to play characters named Mike and realized that, uh,

they were both people who cleaned up things. That's right. And then there was a conversation of like, oh, should I not do or should, and then we were like, no, let's lean into it. And which is how that bit came across of me saying like, okay, I want to welcome Mike. And then both of you saying yes. I was like, oh no, I want to, I want the Mike who cleans things up for a living. And you were both like, yes, that's me. See, folks, it's fun. So much fun. Food, folks, and fun also. Food, folks, and fun.

You also heard Tim as Randy Snuts. He has his own show on CBB World called Hey Randy, which is a great show, which people should check out. Will Hines, of course, doing the author character. Very funny. Will, a lot of times, will come in with a character who all he has is a job that he wants to talk about. And our job is to try to get him to talk about anything else other than his job. Exactly. Everyone has a job.

And then Carl is chief. Very fun. Classic character. Very fun. Very fun. That was episode 13. It was a fun day. That was a fun day, and this was a fun day. We're wrapping up the first episode of The Best Ofs right now. Now, we're both immediately going to go to our homes. We're going to sleep until it's time to come back here. Until next January. That's right. We're going to hibernate. Until next January. Yep.

We're going to... There are three more episodes of this, if you can believe that. We're going to see you on this Thursday is when episode two, part two, is going to come out. And on that one, we're going to be still counting down from 12 until 9. And...

So that's going to do it for this one, but we're going to hear that song from Townland, which is Matt Gourley's band. Very quickly, what do we feel we have learned from this episode? Things are funny. Comedy is funny. Same. Yeah. Things are funny. Comedy is funny. Things are funny. Comedy is funny. Okay. Yeah, I learned that. We'll see what happens in the next one. We'll see what happens in the next one. Okay, let's hear it from Townland. We'll see you on Thursday. Thanks. Bye. Bye.

So put up your dukes, we're going to war. Ready the nukes, it's DEFCON 4. Send in, assemble the troops, send in the detain. One is one, the Baltic Sea runs for the KGB. You can tell a phone number and surrender peacefully.

This is war

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