Best of 2022 Part 4
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Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Daylight come and me wanna go home. Day, me's a day, me's a day, me's a day, me's a day, you. Daylight come and me wanna go home. It's six foot, seven foot, eight foot, but you.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Best of 22, part four. We made it all the way to part four. If you're listening to this, you've probably heard parts one through three. If you're listening to this, you're too close. Yeah. That's not a thing anymore, right? I don't think so. You know, someone we know has a baby on board. I know. You know what? I don't blame you. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Even if it stops one person from being a fucking asshole. Well, that one person is not me. I'll tell you that much. What do you mean? You mean you don't? I fucking tail those people. I ride their asses, man. Trying to wake up their baby. That's right. I know a lot of times the baby sleeps in the car and the parents are like, oh, thank God. I'm going to drive around a little bit, you know, for this nap. And they're like, not on my watch, baby. Ah!

Get out the bullhorn. Pull the vehicle over. Well, I thought so many times about buying one of those little, those magnetic lights you can stick on your. Oh, yeah. That the cops. They look so fucking cool because. So cool. You know, policemen earlier in TV.

They had the lights attached. And then I can't remember what show it was for the first time when suddenly they pulled it out of their car. It was like Starsky and Hutch or something? Yeah, they pulled it out and just slapped it on the top of their car. Oh my God, it looked so cool. They're like a sports car and it's like, oh yeah, I'm a cop now. So fucking good. Hey, I'm an asshole? Now I'm a cop. First I was just a little dick loser. Now I'm a cop. By the way, ACAB, it doesn't apply to Starsky and Hutch, I hope. No, because I think...

It's reasonably assumed that they're dead by now. Okay, good. Those characters. One of the actors died. Everyone stops being a bastard when they die? Yeah. Good. Everyone gets a clean slate. Then you're just being tortured in hell. Yeah. But you're not a bastard anymore. You're a victim of your own devices. Well, this is Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2022. What a year for Comedy Bang Bang, eh? Oh, my God. When I think about it. There were 52 episodes or so. Could you tell I was having a flashback? Sort of.

Maybe 51 episodes? Flashbacks aren't like that anymore, are they? No. Like on a TV show. It doesn't go all wavy and- No, they just do different color correction. Yes. Hard cut with different color correction. Man, I'm sorry. I'm sorry people don't have that anymore. I know. I loved when a flashback would happen. I loved it. They got tired of too many comedians going-

Wayne's World ruined it. Yeah, Wayne's World. Wayne's World has a lot to answer for. They should be tried in the Hague. That would be so awesome to see. Fucking Wayne and Garth tried in the Hague. Mike Myers and Dana Carvey like, is this real? Is this really happening? This is not a bad idea for Wayne's World 3, by the way. Absolutely. You know?

We are counting down the top four episodes on this episode. These are and this is voted on for fans by fans for fans voted. Yeah. For fans voted this year. Record low turnout. No one gave a shit.

No, this is the top four episodes and fans voted. We'll talk about the stats when they're all done, but we're going to hear the best episodes of the year. Do you think anyone juked the stats? I don't know. You voted for yourself several years in a row. Did you do it this year?

I don't think so. I don't remember voting. I don't think I did. I only got voted in the last few years. Yeah, you just let the chips fall where they may. Yeah, Vegas. And, but yeah, earlier, I mean, I always wonder that. It's like if you were an up-and-coming comedian and you wanted more exposure, you want to be on the best ofs, you'd vote for yourself every day, wouldn't you? Sure, every day. Can you vote every day? Yeah, I think so. I think you can vote more than once. I have no idea. That's true.

But July is too cookie stuffed. Oh, Dikembe. He gave it to Dikembe. He's holding up five fingers now. Five fingers and saying no. That's the quintuple Dikembe? No, you can only vote for five, right? Okay, five times. You can only vote once, five times. I don't know. Stop Dikembe-ing us. You can only vote once, five times. Stop Dikembe-ing me. Don't you Dikembe me.

I think it'd be you. Well, anyway, we're going to hear the top four this year. And I'm Scott Aukerman, the host of Comedy Bang Bang. I don't think I've introduced us at this point. I may as well. Across from me is the mustachioed one. You need more nicknames. You know, in sports, they always give you like these great nicknames. Right. Even in announcing, you know, like what was Vince Gulley's nickname?

Vin? That's true. You know, he was famously nicknamed that from those numbers on his car. So he can never forget. Yep, and. But he forgot the number part. That's ironic. Well, no, his original name were all those numbers. He wanted the numbers to be the nickname. And they're like, we're just going to call you Vin. And he's like, no, I need to remember. And he was a huge X-Files fan. He loved it. So that's where the Scully came from. He was sitting on a Scully poster. Yeah.

Like Elton John was sitting on the john. His real name is Jonathan Carruthers. Yep. Classy guy. Classy guy. Doing a voice the entire career. He really sounded like this. The mustachioed one himself, he puts the F in Paul F. Tompkins.

How about another nickname for me is The Great Degradation? The Great Degradation is here. Paul F. Tompkins is with me. Hello, Paul. Hey, it's me, TGD. Hello, it's me. Were we listening to that? Hello.

We listened to a bunch of versions of it on tour. Yeah, we did. Why? Yes, to see which one we thought was the best. Because Tony was in the car with us. That's right. We were driving back. There's many versions of that song, Hello, It's Me. Because we heard the Matthew Sweet, the Todd Rundgren original. We heard the Matthew Sweet and Susanna Hoff's version. We heard another version. Bobby Boris Pickett. Was it Bobby Boris Pickett? No. You fooled me there for a second. No, we heard, it's all here in my phone. I could look it up.

And then we heard... By the way, you've been on your phone this whole time. Yeah. We've done four of these, three and a quarter now, and you're like on your phone. It's very rude. Sorry. I just love apps. Oh, the Isley Brothers. I love apps. Oh, yeah. That was the best one. That was a really good one. And then we heard...

The song Hello, It's Me, which is not the Todd Rundgren song. It's an original by John Cale and Lou Reed. And you all hated that one. Well, it's weird because it's to teach safety to kids and it's about not touching the stove. Yeah. And I was like, why is this a whole song? It was a five minute song. Yeah. And it's really, it's as simple as that. Like, hey, don't touch the stove. You can get it done by that. Yeah. Hello, It's Me is never mentioned in the song. The song should be shorter. Yeah.

Songs absolutely should be shorter. 20 seconds tops. That's very short. One chorus and you're done. What's a song you could think of that would be a great 20 second song? Well, we talked about this on the Red Hot Chili Peppers episode recently. Why don't I go fuck myself? Okay. Called your bluff. I didn't think you called me on that. Dude in front of me, in fact. How do I...

Um, Paul, this is, I don't want it to end, but we're going to have to crack the top four. I know we got to crack. We got to get to cracking. Got to get to cracking. We're the crackers. I don't like that nickname. We are the crackers. Nope. Um, let's do it. This is your choice. Meet the crackers. Meet the little crackers. This is your choice for number four. Number four. All right, Paul.

Tell me where this lies when I say this is episode number 775. Oh, I'm going to say...

We're in the mid-late 700s. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. In the mid-late 700s. Mid-late 700s. This is from September. People are wearing powdered wigs. Yep. September, that was a Mr. Show sketch that Bob really wanted to do was the guy who was still wearing powdered wigs 10 years after everyone stopped wearing them. He's like, I think they're cool. Never got ridden.

This is from September 19th of 2022, and this is an episode entitled Operation Double Decoy. Now, this is the companion episode to previously in our countdown. That's right. Jason Manzoukas came in and did the Bob Duca episode. And then I think a day or two after that, the queen died. And-

Andy and Jason and I, and you, right? We all got on a text chain, right? And we all said, we got to get back in the studio, guys. And we got to put out an emergency episode. And everyone made time for it a few days later. The idea that someone dies. And they were like, we got to scramble to do this podcast. Making fun of the fact that this person died. Yeah.

We now have a fresh angle. Well, it can't just occur without getting our take on what happened. Of course. It can't. What's the point of her life otherwise? So you've heard before about how we swapped intros for these episodes. Yes. You heard about the walrus and me, man. Sure. Of course. The walrus is Paul. So this was the second one that we put out, but it was the first one that we released. And...

We, of course, the Grizz is back. Byron Denniston is back. This is Andy Daly, Jason Manzoukas, and Paul. And Jason Manzoukas, you know from How Did This Get Made? And The League, The Dictator, and Andy Daly. And Andy Daly,

virtuoso performer who does a ton of different characters. I just saw him in a, a, a holiday movie. Oh, which one? Well, I guess it's not a holiday movie. I don't think it had anything to do with the holidays. Um, it was on a battleship. Rihanna was a holiday movie. That fucking movie. Um, he, it was like a rom-com Allison Janney, Ben Platt, uh,

Allison Janney and Ben Platt were involved. Kristen Bell. Well, you know me fish. Oh. She plays the mother of Ben Platt and Kristen Bell. And then Andy, in the beginning of the movie, plays her second or third, plays Allison Janney's second or third husband. Oh. Then dies off screen. Dies off screen? Yes. You don't like to hear that.

You want to die on screen. I was prepared for him to be in this whole fucking thing. I was like, oh, this is fun. And then like he's dead after the credits. Dies off screen like that one dude from the West Wing who died in real life. Well, yeah. Yeah. Wait, have we checked on him? And Luke Perry? Have we checked on him? I know. Have we talked to him recently? Eddie, did you die in real life or just in a movie? If you answer, I know that you're alive. If you don't answer, then you're dead.

So the queen died. We all scrambled and we recorded this. And you'll hear Byron Denniston breaking the news to us, supposedly. And halfway through, we mentioned on our previous part three in the number five episode, we mentioned the Zerg. And Paul, that's stuck in your mind, I guess, because you come in as the Zerg.

Yeah. Halfway through the episode. I must have listened... To that, yeah. Back to the previous one to remember. Yeah, I know Andy does that too, and then Jason and I do not. So we're going to hear two clips. The first clip is...

Me hitting you. Me clipping the floor. Byron coming in and breaking the news to us, and then the Grizz coming in, and then after that we're going to hear the Zerg coming in, which then forces Andy to join him, which you'll hear. This is it. This is your episode number four. Number four. Jason, now it is, of course...

It's Thursday today. We're taping this in advance of the show. It's Thursday, September 8th is what it is. One of the great days. One of the great days. One of the great days. I'm having a great day myself today. Oh, I'm loving it. I'm loving getting to see you. I'm loving getting to hang out. It's sunny. Nothing in the world is happening of any consequence. I love those days where it's kind of like just like you can check out. It's a coast day. Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

Gentlemen! Gentlemen, stop everything! What? Stop everything! Everything? Byron Deniston? Even us talking right now? Entirely! Stop it! Stop talking to one another! Stop talking right now! Do you want to sit down? Yes, I think I will. Yeah, please. Stop standing above the... If you're going to stand, bring the mic up to your mouth. I came in with a lot of effort, but then stood well above the microphone. Well, it's just there's so much going on.

right now that it's hard to have time to sit. I don't think so. But it turns out I did have time to sit. I don't think so. We were just... We were just shooting the shit over here. Gentlemen, have you not checked in with the new news? No. I think we were just going to try and figure out which is better, a Twix bar or a Take Five. Oh, Mars bar. But...

The news, gentlemen! Urgent news! Urgent news of what? Queen Elizabeth II, sovereign of all Great Britain, has been declared dead at the Castle Balmoral in Scotland at this hour. Oh no! Are they continuing CPR? I'm not finished informing you!

Prince Charles of Wales has ascended to the throne of England. He shall now be styled as King Charles III. That's all. Isn't that huge? Wow. For you, Byron Denniston, royal watcher, this is like- That's huge news to you. It's tremendous. Do we care? I don't care.

What do you mean? I mean, I could go back to Twix versus Take Five, but this seems important, so... Yeah, yeah. I don't understand what you're... I suppose you did not understand me. I'm talking about Queen Elizabeth, the Queen of all England. Yeah, we know her. Yes! She's been around for like 96 years or something like that. 96 tears. Precisely. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Isn't that 96 Tears? Keep going to the singing part. No, that's the only part. I like the keyboard part. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I can't believe the two of you can banter about trivialities on such a momentous day as this. Do you suspect foul play? I...

No, I don't. Really jumping to it. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. There's much more afoot than that, gentlemen. Far more. Yes. The queen has been declared dead at Balmoral Castle. Well, look, I mean, it's not like that has any effect on our lives. Like if someone like Ken Starr will, you know, will ever die, which I doubt he ever will. Ken Starr, the special prosecutor. Or did he just die? No, he'll never die.

He's immortal. Yeah, this is, of course, September the 6th. The 8th, I thought you said. Yes, that's right. Wait, is it the 6th? Do we know something in advance? I believe Ken Starr will die on Tuesday, September 13th. No. I believe he will.

No, he will. We're not in the, we're not, this isn't that kind of show where we prognosticate about the future deaths of people. But if you're right. Is this a ripple effect kind of thing? That could be a show. Byron Denniston predicts your death. It's not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all. Is this a ripple effect where the queen's death will then cause deaths upon deaths upon deaths? Look, here's the first thing I need to tell you. First of all, I've just come from England.

- Wait, how did you get here so fast? - Just now? Just today? - This is what happened. - Is this the Phil Collins Concord? - I've come here straight from the Phil Collins Concord. The fact, ladies and gentlemen,

When the Queen was declared dead, I knew that Harry and Meghan would be in Europe there to attend the festivities, and I thought this was a perfect time to break into their home, well, to go to the house, to be on the estate in Montecito to just see to some things I need to do there. But whilst in England, specifically at Balmoral Castle, I became privy to various plans and things and all sorts of things that I can imagine.

exclusively report to you. Wow. Okay, so you witnessed the queen's death? Is that what you're trying to say? No, no, no. I was there right when they decided that today would be the day that they said that she died, gentlemen. Whoa. Yes, indeed. So does that mean, are you insinuating that she is alive and we're just being told she's dead? Or that she died previously? I am not insinuating. I am reporting.

That Queen Elizabeth is alive and well. What? Just like Ken Starr? Yes, just like Ken Starr, although he will die on the 13th. I doubt it. But if he does, my God. That's my wedding anniversary. Queen Elizabeth is a, is it really? Yeah, I wouldn't want to celebrate two things. Happy anniversary in advance. It's frequently on a Friday, I imagine.

Well, uh... Sure, why... Here's what happened. Do you remember the last time? Friday the 13th is a very lucky day, isn't it? Terrible day to have an anniversary. But it was a Saturday when it happened to us. Yes, yes, but some of the anniversaries will be Friday!

When it happened to us? A lot of people like having their marriage described as having had something happen to them. The last time I was here, I reported that the queen had a plan to blow herself up on a throne rigged with dynamite on June 5th, the final day of her platinum jubilee. That's right. Oh, yeah, and I was going to have you back on the show, and we ended up not having you on the show because it didn't happen. It didn't happen. And also you drowned. Wait, didn't you fight to the death? Ha ha ha!

Didn't you drown in Scott's pool? No, no, no, no, no. Well, yes, but I only pretended to drown, gentlemen. Oh, that was pretend. Why did you pretend to drown? Because I thought it was very unfair that I should be pitted against a polo instructor, a water polo instructor in a game of water polo without any time to prepare and train for the game. So I felt it was very unfair. So you just drowned right away? No, I did not drown. I said, why did I pretend to drown? I took it a

I mean, you were taken out on a stretcher in a body bag. Yes, I know. It was very uncomfortable. Paramedics came, declared you pet.

Were these fake paramedics? Yeah, well, yes. These were bad ones anyway. These were bad ones. I think they were just incompetent. It could be both. They did load you into a replica of the Ghostbusters. The Ectomobile. The Ectomobile, thank you. Yeah, what was that about? Listen, I really don't know. They couldn't get the actual ambulance. You couldn't rent an ambulance? You called them.

Didn't you call them? I only appeared to drown. But now I'm realizing you routed my phone to a fake 911 number? Just so you could have actors come and declare you dead? Only to come in today as if none of that happened? And to be talking about the queen dying as if that's the major news when we should be talking about you being alive?

You producing an incredible proof of death scenario? Dan Aykroyd is a dear friend. And I can get a hold of him anytime. Wait, was that him as one of them? You didn't recognize Dan Aykroyd as one of them? No. Danny Ayes. Oh, man. That's why he's an Oscar nominee. That's why there was so much blues music coming out of that ectomobile. Yes, there was. There certainly was. And why all the...

All the IV bags they were trying to hook you up to were shaped like crystal skulls. Like his vodka brand. Like his vodka brand. Yes, yes. And he was covered in badges. That's right. Dan Hagler loves a badge. He kept screaming, we don't need no stinking badges. I know, I know.

But yeah, so that's, I mean, we both mourned you. Oh, yeah. Scott, well, we're in the studio today, but if we went to Scott's backyard, there is a headstone for you that he put in. Really? That I erected, yeah. Oh, that's very nice. What does it say? Something very touching and lovely on there. What was it?

No, I mean... We couldn't remember. It says Byron, a British guy, died here. Yeah. It's one of those Halloween ones that you buy at the Halloween superstore. Made of styrofoam? Yeah. I see. So it just says David has pumpkins. LAUGHTER

Okay, well, that not being my name, it really doesn't seem to me that it is a tombstone for me at all. But we did place it right there at the spot where you drowned. Yeah, in the pool. Yes, in the pool. You have a styrofoam gravestone floating around in your pool. Yes, it's ten feet high. How come there aren't more floaties in pools that are the shape of gravestones? Yes, there should be. It's a good question. Well, anyway. Anyway, welcome back. Yes, thank you. It's good to be here. You say the queen died? Sorry, what? Ha ha ha!

No, she isn't dead. No, the queen is dead. This is what happened. No, no. She was going to blow herself up on the 5th, but she found that her nemesis, King Harald V of Norway, had constructed a throne. Remember, she was going to blow up the throne of England, and whoever got a throne first to the throne room of Buckingham Palace would become the king. And she learned that King Harald, who she despises...

had built a throne and hidden it somewhere in Buckingham Palace. And so she said, well, let's scrap it. We'll scrap the whole plan. So that was all scrapped. And then now she's just been carrying on living with, you know, Jim Broadbent and Jim Belushi, her two husbands. Wait, hold on.

Did we talk about this? Oh, yes. A couple of times. She's in an according to Jim scenario. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I forgot. In according to Jim throuple. It's a throuple and it's turned into far more trouble than it's worth. And so she simply decided she was done with the drama. So she wanted to fake her own death? She has faked her own death and it's... I know a guy who could have helped her with this. Who does that? This guy, Adam.

Al that I know. Oh, really? Yeah, he fakes people's death all the time. Well, maybe she did use Al. I have no idea. Wait, let me ask. Is her entire body shaved other than her anus? laughter laughter

I don't think we can ask that about the today deceased queen. No, you can't ask that. No, you can't ask that. But give me a little nod if that's the truth. Well. Okay, so maybe I'll have something to do with it. Perhaps. But also, it was a long-range plan that she and her dear friends, Ivana Trump and Olivia Newton-John and Mikhail Gorbachev,

They call themselves the richest with bitches. And they've all... All of whom recently passed. It was reported. Indeed. Allegedly. None of them are dead. Trump has one of those David S. Pumpkin's headstones in his golf course, I believe. Just like mine. It's just full of documents. Yes, for Ivana. But yes, anyway, they're all...

They're all yachting around the world. Wow. And having the time of their lives. So you're saying that Olivia Newton-John has faked her own death the same way that her ex-husband faked his own death. Yes, exactly. Is there a double death faker couple? So that he could go right around on a yacht. That's right. Well, that's where the idea came from. She said, you know what my husband did to get out of paying someone $10,000? When she, the queen, That was it? Just $10,000? Yes, apparently. Oh.

She doesn't have that lying around in her dresser? I guess not. He had debts of $10,000 and said, I'm faking my debt. But they're back together now, Olivia and her husband, you know, because when- Now they're on the run. Yes, they're both on the run, having faked their debts. And they're all just having the time of their lives. But you know what, though? Just to let you know what I've been up to, by the way, I have been- Did we ask that?

No, I have been aggressively wooing Lady Amelia Spencer because you remember in that polo match in the pool, I was competing against the Grizz, you know? Right. And I pretended to drown. Who is a professional or a celebrated water polo? Yeah, and this was to the death and whoever won.

Yes, yes. Would get to woo Lady Amelia, is that right? Yes, that's right. And we have been told that nobody beats the grids. Yeah, but you both lost, you both drowned. Evidently, yes, we both drowned, but I was only pretending, but he really did. We had a separate bunch of paramedics come for him.

Well, yes, Ackroyd wasn't going to take away the Grizz. He was part of the plan. It was very strange that first paramedics came and only looked at, treated, bagged, and left with you. And we said, what about this guy? And they said, that's not our problem. We're like, okay, do we need to call 911 again? They said, yeah, sure.

And so we called 911 again, and now I'm realizing this must have been the real 911, and they came and got the grizz. Yes. Who has unfortunately passed away. He has unfortunately, yes, passed away. Unfortunately, not really. Because, you know, I now have free reign to woo Lady Amelia. Well, this is great, Byron. I'm so happy that you're able to unimpeded go after Lady Amelia.

Yes, I've been doing that. Because I think, you know, the two of you are a great couple and the grizz is out of the picture, so... I'm madly in love with her. I'm madly... What's that sound? Sorry, is that my stomach? I don't know. You did say beforehand that you were starving. What is that sound? Look out below! What? Well, well, well... No, this can't be!

Byron Denniston, as I live and breathe. Byron Denniston, as I live and breathe. What's that you're doing? I'm you, I'm you. Is this your dialect coach, who is this? I'm afraid, gentlemen, I'm afraid. This is the Grinch. Obviously, this is the Grinch. How is this?

I came down through the sprinklers, didn't I? Yeah. You heard him say, look out below. Oh, right. And then he simply appeared. But yes, now I see you somehow forced yourself through the sprinkler system. I can fit through any pipe or drain. Was there a water polo? There are so many characters stuck in the walls of this building. I thought you died, Grizz. What happened? Of course you did. We called the paramedics. It's what I wanted you to think. We grieved. We grieved.

What you don't know about degrees is... What? This is a good catchphrase, too, by the way. What you don't know about degrees is... I-Z. Z. In a tiny pocket in me swimming costume, I keep a watertight capsule, and in that capsule is one of those sponges. When you add water to it, it expands. What? And that little sponge... My gasps are getting even bigger. When are you going to be done? I can't keep this up. That little sponge.

is shaped exactly like me, the grinch! Whoa! In case I ever have to fate my own death.

So what I did was I released the sponge from the capsule and I swam through the drain in the pool. What? Oh, my God. I've spent so much time in swimming pools, I can flatten my body to fit through the drain and the filter if need be. Wow. So we... What an elaborate death faking plan. I only called Dan Aykroyd. Well, I mean, we called the paramedics. You think having a sponge is more elaborate than calling Dan Aykroyd?

in Dan Aykroyd having him bring the actomobile around. You watched this? Of course I did. Where were you? From the pipes? From the pipes, gentlemen. I was in a grate. You were in a grate? A little ways away. Kennywise style? Yeah.

I don't like that comparison. Sorry, sorry. You're not a Pennywise. I try not to appear in greats. Sometimes it can't be helped. Why are you carrying this red balloon, by the way? I just come from a carnival. Okay, see, this is not helping your Pennywise thing.

And now Zurg. Too much water to swim. Zurg, are you. For a land swimmer. I know you're a land swimmer, but are you also affiliated with the royal family? Are you a royal yourself? Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, I got related into it, didn't I? I became adopted by this young lady. Who's this? Her name is. Alemia? Alemia.

Her name's Alemia. Lady Alemia? Lady Alemia. Yeah. Hmm. Rand Spence. Wow. So you start dating... She adopted me. No. No, she adopted you. Yeah, I was dating my own mother. And then this lady adopted me. Wow. Yeah.

You know, is that just how it's done there? That's how it's done, mate. And did you guys have a meet cute fall in love and then she just adopted you at first sight? Me and me mother? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I meant Lady Alenia. When I met me mother, it was very cute. Yeah. In the hospital, you know. Yeah. Coming out of her body. That's right. But yeah. Who's this?

Stop everything. Stop everything. I don't think we can have even more people on the show. Who is this? It's me. It's Norib. Norib. Norib Nevinson. How you going, mate? How are you going? It's good to see you. It's good to see you. Norib. I thought I could. I can't really, though, can I? Yeah!

It's okay. We found a weakness. I think if you stick with it, you'll figure it out. You just got to plough on through, mate. Oh, mate, I don't think so. Oh, maybe a little bit there. Oh, wait a minute. All right, yeah. Just keep going. Just keep going. Don't think about it. Just plough through it. Just find it. That's right. Well, I've stopped by to tell you.

Who, us? Jason and I? Yeah, right. Why do all these people care about us? Just let him go. I stopped...

Is there anything new you've ignored about the royals? Let these two talk to each other. I've stopped by to tell you it's getting harder and harder to ignore things about the royals in the real Australia. Oh, no. It's getting nearly impossible. Oh, no. Yes, and so I've had to leave. I've had to leave there. So you've come here. I've packed up and left. I've packed up and left.

So you're here now? Right now I'm here. Okay. Because my dear friend, the Zerg. So you guys are friends? We're best friends. Yeah, we're best friends. Oh, it's opposite of here. Yes, he was coming here and I said, I don't know how to ignore all this nonsense. Okay. Now that our Queen Elizabeth has become immortal. Yeah, his mum is Lady Elimia.

Oh, right. He was trying to get me adopted by her, and I was like, I don't feel you mean me.

I can't do it. And then finally I did it because we're mates. Wow. So that's great. So you guys get to live together now? Oh, yeah. That's right. We're the very best of friends. We're the best of friends. Well, this is great. This is a real happy ending. Boren, who are you? Norib. Norib. Norib. This is Norib. This is Byron. My best mate. No, that's not a good idea. Number four.

Ah, boy.

Huh? That was so much fun. So funny. There's a good blog post that Andy put out about doing this episode. Oh, I saw that. Yeah. Yeah. Where he talks about how he was cornered into doing the Australian accent without really knowing how to do it. It's very funny to listen to him struggle because he barely struggles at anything in life. Let me tell you something. He's a man of privilege. I like to do, I really like to do voices and accents and I think I have a pretty decent ear, but Australian is really hard. It's very specific. Yeah.

And that's certainly the longest I've ever done it into a microphone. Right. Like more than a word or two. And I was so self-conscious about it immediately. And then I was like, I just got to let it go and try not to think about it too much, knowing it's not going to be perfect. Right. I'm not going to be fooling anyone. Yeah, it was just fun. And it's funny to hear Andy try and then slip in and out of it and then kind of lock in. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

And then I love the part where, you know, and you all heard it, where it's like, hey, this is Byron Dennison. Byron's like, this is not a good idea. Because the minute he has to do English again, he can't lock into the Australian.

It's a tall order. Switch back and forth for sure. On the topic of the Australian accent, there's a podcast I listen to, and I get mad every time I have to say the name. It's called BigSoftTitty.png. Oh, dude. And it's two comedians, Demi Lardner and Tom Walker, in Australia, and they're very funny and silly. And there was an episode where they were making fun of –

people doing Australian accents. And when they were doing it, I was like, it just sounds like you guys. I couldn't tell the difference. Yeah. That's so funny. But meanwhile, like you're doing Dr. Strange, you know, like, hello, I'm Dr. Strange. I got to bring that back. Yeah. I really enjoyed doing that. Have we heard that in one of these clips? I'm not sure.

I live in Greenwich Village. Definitely. It was in the Tatiana episode. Yes, we did hear it. I love a hot dog from the street. Extra mustard, please. I'm from the Bronx.

That one bit of trivia during the show, the reason. So the conceit of that was we're doing it on the day that the queen died. And Jason and I didn't know it. And Byron Denison comes in to tell us the thing that happened right as we were beginning the show is I get a New York Times text alert that Ken Star died.

And so that's why I didn't know that. That's why I, uh, the, the, the guy from the Lewinsky stuff, I had no idea he died. Oh yeah. It happened during the episode. This is how I'm finding out you were there. I don't remember you saying Ken Starr died. Oh yeah. Well, that's why the runner, like, that's why I bring it up. I go, well, the queen died. Surely this will never happen to Ken Starr.

And Jason looked at me like, what? I don't remember that at all. And I showed him the text alert, and that's why that runner was like, oh, and that's why Andy was saying like, oh, I have a feeling he's going to die in five days or whatever. That was why that happened because we got the alert in the middle of it. Don't remember that at all. Now, we've never followed up on L.A. Peterson faking the Queen's death. That's right.

So I feel like that's a thread we need to follow up on. Well, because we don't know if that's true or not. We don't know. We don't know if the Grizz is lying. That was Byron Denniston who mentioned it. Really? Yeah. Yeah, because he said that she faked her death and we just heard it, of course. We said...

He said she faked her death. And I said, wait a minute. Was a guy named Allie Peterson involved? And was she shaved entirely from head to toe except for her anus? And he said yes. So I think Allie Peterson did this. Okay. I guess I have to listen back to that one now.

And we heard some good oi noise in there as well. Some good oi noise. So the year of oh no continues. Yes. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to crack the top three? Is that even possible? Fuck. Damn. Shit. All right, we're going to do it. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Crumbs.

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21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy bang bang. We're back. And it doesn't... I don't think we should do this anymore. Scott, what do you mean? I'm too scared.

I've cracked the top 17. I've cracked the top 16. You're scared you're not going to be able to crack the top three. I don't think I can do it. I'm weak. Scott. I don't have the fortitude. Think about all the ones you've cracked already. Yeah, I cracked four. I cracked five. I cracked seven. What's three but another number to be cracked? I guess you're right, Paul. What is grief but love persevering?

It's like feeling shitty. Yeah. You nailed it. That's what it is. Sorry. I thought you were asking me that. I was. And you answered it and you were right. Okay, good. Yeah. Congrats. Yeah. Being sad and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Great.

Okay, great. All right, well, let's do it then. I feel like I could do it. Let's get to cracking. Let's get to cracking. We're going to crack it. This is your choice for number three. Release the crackers. Number three. All right, this is episode, let's see, the last one we heard was 775. This one is episode 759. This is in the, I'm going to say the...

Late mids. Early late mids. Yeah, definitely. I think you're right about that. Thank you. Pretty sure that you're accurate about that. This is from May 30th of 2022. And this is an episode called Hot Sauce Reunion.

I know what this is. Do you? It's a reunion of the group Hot Sauce. That's true. And we all know who Hot Sauce is. Everyone knows Hot Sauce. The cute one. The dumb one. We're describing Ben right now. Yeah, that's right. And the other two. And the rest. All right. This is Ben Schwartz.

Adam Pally. Wait, Benchwarts? Benchwarmers is what I said. The Benchwarmers. This is the cast of the Benchwarmers. I thought you said Benchwarts, which sounds gross. No, that's what you get when you warm a Benchwarm. Oh, you warm the Benchwarm, you get Benchwarts. You get Benchwarts, yeah. Benchwarts and Adam Pally and Gil Ozary. Okay, now all three of these guys were in a comedy group based in New York back in the

I want to say 2010. Early 90s? Oh. Probably late 2000s, maybe pre-2010. I don't know. But they were all – basically, they were like a three-man comedy group at UCB in New York. They did sketches. They did improv. And so how did this come about? I know Adam was in town. I think what happened was Ben wanted to do an episode.

It's a backyard episode. And he said, hey, Adam's in town. Can I try to get Gil? And all three of them got booked. They were all available on one day. And so we decided to turn into a reunion of this group no one had ever heard of. And ask like – I was doing sort of a bit where I was asking like –

loving, like these kinds of stories you would see at a festival where it's like a group, you like the state or whatever, getting together and moderator asking loving questions. And these guys were taking them seriously and actually answering them. So I sort of just dropped the bit after a while. Cause I thought they would latch on to them understanding that I wasn't serious. That was very kind of you to drop that bit. Do you know to this day,

I've never seen a single second of The State. Oh, really? I don't know why. I missed it at the time. Missed it when it was on? I don't know why, but I've never seen any of it. I feel like I caught onto it late when it was on TV and then I bought the DVDs and I don't know that I opened it, but I think they're all on Paramount Plus right now. So I started watching a little bit of them recently. Well, there you go. I'll check it out. Do you have anything like that? Like a big thing that you just missed out on? The Bible? No.

Oh, my friend, I have good news for you. What's that? Spoiler alert, he's risen. Want to know what that means? No. Read this, my copy of the Bible. Your copy? Yeah, even if you don't want to know what it means. Why'd you Xerox the Bible? I don't have money to spend on two Bibles.

There is a bit. Xerox the Bible. There is a bit in the Between Two Ferns movie with Ryan Gall where one of his character traits was along the road trip, he was trying to raise money by buying online books, by buying e-books, and then Xeroxing the pages and trying to sell them as books.

It was really funny. Everything got cut out other than like the story, but it was really funny. Him doing interviews about why he was doing it and then us filming him like at night secretly doing this. It was very funny. Okay, so this is Hot Sauce Reunion. And so we're going to hear one section of this. Earlier, I talked to them all as themselves. It was very funny. We heard really funny stories about...

Them trying to get into Canada and Gil just bringing produce to try to fuck them up and stuff. It's very funny. And then Adam did his character Bro, which he hasn't done in maybe seven years, I think. His character. Yeah, if you can call it a character, which is my weed dealer, supposedly. We won't hear those, but let's...

this, uh, this was before he did bro, which was Gil Ozary. This is his second appearance on the countdown. He once again brought some tech and he brought an iPad again. And, uh, we're going to hear, uh, from Gabriel Sardinus's grandson. This is your choice for episode number three. Number three. Uh,

You all know that he's Gabriel Sardinus' grandson. Do you know who Gabriel Sardinus is yet? I don't know. No, I haven't been informed of that. Have you heard this name before? No, I just know he has a long lineage. Yeah. Well, I mean, he certainly has a father who was the son of Gabriel Sardinus. Yes. We know that much for sure. But we know that he's Gabriel Sardinus' grandson. Please welcome Gabriel Sardinus' grandson. Hello. Hello.

Hey, what's going on? Hi, thank you so much for having me to talk about my grandfather. Oh, is that what you're here to do? Talk about your grandfather? Well, I mean, you know. We were wondering who he was. Oh, you never heard. This is great. This will be very instructional to us. Very famous guy. Should we Google him? I'll Google him. Yeah, you could Google him. Okay. What was he? I can't reach Google right now. He was a scientist, a physicist, Nobel Prize winner. Oh, that's the biggest prize you can get. I mean, it's not an EGOT.

No, Poet Laureate. Poet Laureate as well. Poet Laureate. Yeah, he was a child educator. I can't find him online. Wait, he was an educator as a child or he educated children? Both. Yeah, he taught children and he was smart enough. When he was a kid, he was a teacher. That's correct. And how old are you, sir? That's incredible. Kid?

I'm 19. 19? Wow, you sound a lot younger. You sound a lot younger. I do. I sound younger. Yeah, you do. No, I'm 19. Wow, you have this almost like children's bravo. You have a childlike innocence to you. Were you close with your grandpa? You know, I was his caretaker for a bit, but he never got...

Better. He never got personal with me, you know? Oh, meaning... He always kept himself at a distance. At a distance from you. Well, families are difficult. And, you know, he just recently died. Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. How old was he when he passed away? We know nothing about Gabriel Sardinas, by the way, other than what you just told us. It was all over the news. I just Googled it. Couldn't see it. That's weird. But he was 93. Okay, he was 93 and you're 19. You're 19. I mean, that's a 73-year-old difference, which means that your father...

No, it means that he was fathering late in his life. Okay, so how old is your father? My father is 42. 42. That's correct. Okay, so he was fifth. That's too old to be a dad. That's not what I was talking about. Scott, that's not what I was talking about. What were you talking about? Adam, come on, Adam. What I was talking about was more that you said that you were... I was talking about it. I know, but what I was saying is not that. Sorry.

Well, say what you're going to say. I am going to say it. It's just not what you're saying. Just be calm. What I was going to say was that, well, it's not shocking for you not to have a close relationship with a man who's in his late 90s. Well, he was early 90s. Do you consider 93 to be late 90s? Anytime you're in your 90s, it's late. He was a brilliant guy, you know. I did...

When he died, he passed on some of his belongings, and I was looking through his belongings, and I come across... This is a treasure trove, I can imagine. Spoils? Exactly. This man's papers, his ruminations. Well, I found his phone. Oh. What do you mean phone? Like an old-timey Alexander Graham Bell, Watson? Ring, ring, ring. I need you. Ahoy! If you could believe it, it was an iPhone. Ahoy!

Oh, okay. Was it the first one? No. It was a recent generation? It was a recent generation. Did he get the new one?

I think it was a 12. New one came out about like two months ago. Was it a pro? I just know that he had a sponge. Did it have a case on it? Well, this is it right here. He got one of the new ones right before he died. Look at that, and it has like a Casify case. Yeah, I didn't even know he had this phone. He kept so many secrets. He kept so many secrets, and he was such a brilliant man, and the

The thing is, I go, I'm looking through his phone. Okay, you're sweating a bit. I'm a little... Yeah, what's going on? There's a ton of voice memos. Oh, from famous people? No, from him. What do you mean? That doesn't seem uncommon. He recorded a bunch of voice memos. Okay. Maybe to remind himself something? That's why he bought the phone, maybe. He's like, you know, instead of a tape, they don't sell tape recorders anymore. Very smart Scott. Exactly. I can't even find a radio check. I don't know if this is going to ruin what you plan to do, but

I don't want to hear them. I'd rather not either. Yeah, I don't want to hear it. It's secret. It's for your grandpa. I don't want to hear it. Your grandpa died. I've got the same thing, but I feel like this would give us an insight into that brilliant man. Are you sure? I mean, I don't know. If you don't want to hear them, we don't have to. I don't want to hear them. I'd rather not. I don't want to hear it. It's an intrusion. First of all, let me say that I'm

Did he give you permission? I swore that I would play these. I worry the phone is haunted with this ghost. Two seconds ago, you said it was a ghost. I also have a grandson as well, actually. You're 19. I know. When did you father? Just born. I fathered when I was 12. Whoa. And then that's seven? There's a gun to my grandson's head right now. If I don't play these voice memos.

He will die. So it's on you. I mean, it's on you. What part of his head? I don't want to hear it. Who's holding the gun? My son. Your son is holding the gun to your grandpa. He wants to hear what his great-grandfather had to say. So why don't you let him listen somewhere else? Why come on this show? I just want to say that my- I'm okay with a very late-term abortion. Pally is fine. Pally is fine. I am fine. Now is not the time, Pally. I'm pro-choice up until 10 years old. If you don't want to hear them, that's fine. Is it fine? I don't know.

No, it's not. It would be very sad for me because I feel like... If you cry real tears, Willis, okay, here we go. Everybody would want to hear. Have you heard them yet? This is going to be a surprise. I have not even heard. This is a gift to me, too. But what happens if they're negative? You don't want the world to hear them. They're probably just going to be regular, nice old messages. Would it bum you out if we didn't hear them because of like...

all the time and effort it took to find them. Yeah, and also to set up this jam box. Yeah. You know what? It didn't take any time at all. It's no sweat off my back. Sure, my grandson will, you know, his brains will be all... But it has nothing to do with... Did your son lay down plastic or like... I have no idea. This is a lot of clean up. My son's not a good guy. All right, you know what? Let's listen to some of it. I'll be sure. What was in a one? I don't know.

Okay. If this was a surprise for you, tell us what it feels like to hear these. I'm very excited. Ben wants to hear. Because my grandfather was so, Mr. Sardinus was so brilliant. Yeah. And I could play any one of these. This one, let's see this one. But you haven't heard any of them. I haven't heard any of them. And you're playing them at random? I'm playing them at random. This one is called January 11th, 2007. January 11th. And was it recorded on January 11th, 2007 or he titled it that? Scott, I have no idea.

I have no idea. He hasn't played it. All right. And here we go. Are you guys ready? Here we go. January 11th, 2007. I found another little bone in my duty today. Don't ask me how. Don't ask me why. Scares the shit out of me, too. Call Dr. Silvio.

Ask him how this could have happened, how I could have found another little bone in IBM. Oh, God. Okay. Jesus. I'm not sure what that was. Jesus Christ. Weird title to put on. I would have called it Bone and Duty or something, but he called it January 7, 2000. I'm not sure. He's a brilliant guy. This is what it's called for.

Fish under the couch. You know, it's so interesting. I'm not sure what this one's called. So he actually was titling that previous one something. I guess this one's called fish under the couch. Wait, by the way, before you do it, are you sure you want to? The first one was kind of negative and weird. I think there's going to be a gem in here. For a scientist, he refers to number two in such a gem style. It's a very brilliant man. Brilliant man. Get out from under there.

Fucking fish under the couch. Get out! I can't fucking lift this goddamn, this goddamn couch. Fucking, can't fucking hit it with a broom. I can't fucking do anything. Fucking stinks in here. Fucking reeks like fucking trout. Goddamn it. Get out, you fucking fish. Get out from under my couch.

Oh, my God. Why did he record that? Was that like a pocket? Why would you want to remember that moment? I have no idea. But not only did he record it, he then titled it what he wanted to remember it as. So I guess maybe because it is so odd. It's like if you had a fish under your couch, you'd be like, I got to remember. Remember that time that that happened. What mental state I was in. What mental state I was in. Wow.

That's unbelievable. I mean, he was such a brilliant guy. Did you hear stories about that fish? Why do you think that fish was under there? But that happened before he won the Nobel Prize. Before? What did he win the Nobel Prize for? For big science. Oh, okay. He was involved in big science. He wouldn't, yeah, I didn't really know. He must have won that Nobel Prize pretty late in life. I think he, yeah.

He did. This one's called... If his voice memos are after... Yeah, I mean, that makes no sense. But this one's called... What is this one called? But this one's called... Yeah, what's called... You're playing another one? I really don't want to hear any more. Do you want to hear best meal I've ever eaten? Big reminder or description of my broken penis? Big reminder. That's what I want to hear. Remember to steal your daughter-in-law's underwear and shove them up your fucking ass. Jesus Christ.

Okay. You know what? I didn't know. Why would that slip his mind? Look, I didn't know my grandfather, and obviously he had some –

I mean, can you imagine forgetting that was a thought, seeing the reminder, clicking it and then hearing, Oh, right. Oh shit. I almost left without doing that. Well, it seems like it can't get any worse than that. Yeah. Description of, what about this broken penis? This is a description of my broken penis for Dr. Sivio. I have a very bulbous tip. It's almost like a fat pillow. Uh,

I'm always erect, nonstop, 24-7. But my penis is pointed right down to the ground like an arrow. It's purple, very purple. It's violet at the tip, I should say, and the base is more of a gleaming red. My penis is pulsating. At different times, it's pulsating at different rates. Probably related to his heart. Rates? Obviously.

The back of my penis is very white. Back? And it's going up and down my shaft. But here's the thing. It looks like there's three or four little bugs that can be seen inside it, and they're using the vein as some sort of elevator. I'm not sure. Ask Dr. Sivio.

about the bugs. How's the doctor for the doctor is like a wide breath. He does every type of medical work. He's more than just an ENT. He seems like a family doctor. It seems like it. Now here's one that I don't even know what it means. This just says far. Far. F-A-R. Here we go. It's a long one. Short title. This is far. This is far.

It's a fart. It's a fart. It's a fart. He misspelled it wrong. He spelled fart wrong. Genius. Maybe he's autocorrect. Genius scientist spelled fart wrong. And had to remind himself that he farted a long one.

Okay. How would he know? How much longer is on this one? 35 more seconds. It's amazing. 35 more seconds. It's amazing that he had the foresight at the time. To actually pick up his phone and to know. To be like, this one's going to be enormous. Yeah. Oh, man.

Oh, still going. Wow. How many more seconds we got? 25. 25 more? I'll stop it there. He's not the genius you thought he was. He seems like a big dummy. He had a very puerile sense of humor. I mean, he does sound like that. I think all of these voicemails have the same value. Oh, that's interesting. Which value is that? Nothing. Nothing? No. No, that's absolutely not true. It feels like it has none. I mean, just to know about my grandfather's...

Look, he's a brilliant guy and looking into his life... You don't think he could be pranking you? No. From beyond the grave? Like, knowing he left the phone for you? This one says, usual Starbucks order. Do me a favor, honey. Let me get one hot latte, but put a ton of ice in it and do me a favor. Just do me a goddamn favor and stir it

Stir it with your fucking finger, please. Stir that goddamn latte with your finger. Will you do that? And don't wash it.

You don't think that he's... I don't know. He's messing with you from the great... This feels like something he just recorded earlier this morning. Oh, no. He has a folder called Great Songs I Made Up. Would you like to hear that? All right. I would love to hear one of those. This is called Made Pee-Pee. Here we go. Made...

Like a good boy shoot. You're mouthing the lyrics a lot. You've never heard this before? And you're not proud of it. You're not proud of it. But you're smiling so wide. It wasn't too thick. It didn't splash anywhere. But in that porcelain, it was a beautiful beat.

My grandfather was a genius. I looked at Gabriel Sardinus' mouth and he was just silently saying, Peep, peep, along with it. Gabe, could I ask you a question about the lyrics in that song? His name isn't Gabe, though, by the way. What is your name? You haven't said your name yet. It's Irving. Oh, okay. I assumed that he was a junior. No, just a grandson. Irving Sardinus. My grandfather was Gabe. And this is actually, I've heard of this song. This one's called Sparkalonius. Sparkalonius. I really do have a question about the art. Sparkalonius.

needed you. Sparklonius wanted you. Sparklonius asked for you. Sparklonius demanded you. Sparklonius begged for you. Sparklonius

I think we got it. You're again. You're mouthing the word. Not true. I don't remember. I love. Sparklonious. You just said one second ago this one is great. Spark.

Well, that was spark-a-lonious. I mean, this is not that far off from an Andrew Lloyd Webber song, so I think the craft is going through, by the way. This description of a young neighbor with red hair. Oh, God. Okay. Gorgeous red hair, just so beautiful. Wow. Goes right from the head down, down to the tuchus.

Oh, is it a Jewish guy? Do you think some of that gorgeous red hair curls up at the end when she's nude? Curls right up into the... Yeah. That's a fucking creep. Yeah, I think it does. I think that red hair curls up. Okay.

Tickles the tush. Tickles the little asshole. Oh, come on. Jesus. That's what I want to know. All right. All right. Look, I like Sparkolonious. I'll give him that. Sparkolonious. There's a whole other folder called Mediocre Songs I made up. Oh, no. Wait, let's hear one. Let's hear one. Wait, that was the cream of the crop? Are we in here? I'll give you the choices. You tell me which one. And big, because we have to go to a break. This is the last one. Pick your favorite one. I got to tell you, I knew we should not have listened to any of this.

That is true. Adam pleaded. Pick your favorite thing that I know you haven't heard any of these, even though you're mouthing along with them. I mean, they're all terrible. There's also more descriptions of my broken penis. Oh, no. Wait, what's this one? What do you mean, what's this one? This one. I fucking hate my grandson. I hate him. I hate his fucking face. I hate the way he speaks.

He smells like absolute fucking shit. He's a turd. He's a fucking turd. Oh, no. He'll never be a mount. He'll never be anything. He'll never amount to anything. He's a shit. I wish he would just die. I wish he would die. I wish a fucking car would run over his head. Wow, I'm sorry. Over and over and over again so I could see his brain.

No. Spooge out of his fucking eye sockets. Spooge. And then you know what I'd do? I'd fucking eat them like oysters. Fuck him. Fuck my grandson. He sucks. He's an awful, awful... Okay. I can't... Oh, my God. Irving. I'm so sorry, Irving. This is horrible. Maybe play one of the mediocre songs to wash that out. No, I mean, there's one...

There's one more after. One more. The very last thing he recorded before he passed away. I got to say, I don't care if this last one ties up any loose ends. I don't want to hear it. You don't want to hear it. March 15th, 2007. I found another little bone in my duty today. Don't forget to call Dr. Sivio and ask him about it because there's been several bones in my duty every time I...

IBM. I really thought it was going to wrap up the storyline. Right. I mean, it's got full circle. And I'm not talking some small chicken bone in my duty. I'm talking about a ball and socket joint. Joint? Can you find it in your shoulder or your kneecap? That's too big. Gotta stop finding these bones in my duty. Gotta stop.

Okay, I thought maybe there'd be one where he said, no, I was just kidding about hating my grandson. No. Just bringing the bone and the duty back. Jesus Christ. Well, Irvine. All these tomatoes, they fall away. Okay, look, we have to go to a break if that's all right. Jesus Christ. Number three. Yes, number three. Number three. Very funny, Gil, just insane.

You should all listen to the CBB Presents episode, Sparkolonious, The Lost Memoir of Gabriel Sardinus. Memoir. Memoir. Memoir. Of Gabriel Sardinus, which Gil recorded and produced himself and just sent it to me. I was like, hey, do you want to do a CBB Presents sometime with one of these things you do? And he goes, yeah. He took you literally. And then a few weeks later, sent it to me. The entire thing totally produced. Yeah.

And then drew cover art for it as well. Wow. Yeah, he drew that. Oh, boy. He's very talented. Very talented man. David Kasp, the Happy Endings creator, also created Black Monday. He tells a lot of funny stories about Gil in the writer's room doing weird pranks and stuff. Yeah.

Very funny guy. What a strange person. Strange person, but that very, yeah, really good. That was a fun episode. And just those three together, they have great chemistry. Is it any wonder that hot sauce is the same synonymous with comedy? It's a terrible name. All right. We're going to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to crack the top two. We can do it. Oh, my God. Here we go. We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's is hard. So is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois. Are you catching the big game?

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That's one word a year. That's that's not a good ratio. It's it's tough. It's tough to do. Well, you know what is not so tough?

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I like that better than calling ourselves crackers. Okay, crackers for synonymous with being crazy, a slang for being crazy. In Britain, yeah. Oh, that's crackers. I think about things like that where the person has to explain it the first time. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to call this crackers. Why? I think he's crackers. What? He's out of his mind.

Okay. So you just started saying that? And I'm supposed to say it now? Yeah. You can if you want. I'm just saying I think he's crackers. What's that mean again? It means he's crazy. He's out of his mind. Crackers. I think you're crackers. Wait, I just said. It's catching on. Yeah. That's probably how it went.

That was eerie. You and I should come up with more words because like all these new words, they get added to the OED every year. It's like, fuck. But here's what I like is that is taking a word that already exists and then using it to mean something else. Yeah. Like what? Car. Car. Hey. Don't be such a car. What does that mean? We get to car from automobile.

I know. It's like auto, I understand. Auto car, I guess, at one point? Why? Maybe. I don't know. I think someone just got tired of it at one point. It was just like, call it a car.

Can we shorten automobile to what? Car. How did we get from Tautomobile to Tar? I don't know. Boy, that's a good question. And I love that movie. Did you see Tar? No, I haven't seen it. It's pretty good. I've heard it's good. Yeah. Did you see Avatar? Oh, my God. She showed up in Avatar. To return to the world of the Na'vi. Hashtag squad goals. What does she say in Tar? No, I haven't seen it.

Hashtag rules of the game. It almost made me not want to see Tar because it's in the commercial. Oh, no. Hashtag rules of the game. Anytime somebody in a movie says hashtag out loud. It's an impossible movie to pull clips from. So they must have liked the one thing that she said, which kind of sounds like a saucy thing. They're like, oh, thank God. Did somebody say hashtag out loud in Birdman or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance?

I hope so. Hashtag Birdman. I know Birdman was like, tweet about this movie. You're obsessed with going viral. Was he? I don't remember anything about it. No, he wasn't. He was saying that about the younger generation. Yeah. That's all they care about.

but to be fair, they do. That's all I care about. Oh my God. Do you think we're going viral right now? Fuck, please. Let's go. We want to go viral. Please. Oh man. On one of our text threads. Um, whenever, whenever Tim Kalpakis tweets something funny and somebody shares it on the thread, Tim's response is, Oh no, did I go viral again? It makes me laugh every time. Yeah. Well,

Well, if you want us to go viral, tweet about the Comedy Bang Bang Best Ofs. Hashtag Birdman. Hashtag Birdman. And...

Please tweet about the Comedy Bank Best Ofs with the hashtag Birdman. Please. I beg of you. We need people. We need to get the word out about these. Yeah. Hashtag Birdman. Even if it's just you write out the words Comedy Bank Best Ofs, hashtag Birdman. Fine. Fine. Done. You don't have to comment on anything. No. Please don't. Just say that name with that hashtag. That's all we want.

All right. It's time, Paul. Time to crack the top two. Shit. Wow. Are you excited? Yeah, man. All right. Here we go. This feels comfortable. You know what I mean? This is about where we should be at this point in the countdown. I'll admit that I was scared when we were cracking the top three. At first, I was afraid. I was petrified. Yeah. Oh, you were petrified? I was just afraid. I know. She amends it. It's like, okay, we got it when you said afraid. At first, I was afraid. I was actually petrified. Yeah.

It's like, hey, dude, we got it just from saying afraid. You can just end there. But as I'm telling you, I'm realizing I was more than afraid. I was petrified. Well, why don't you just say, first I was petrified. Jesus Christ. At first I was petrified. I don't like it when in the middle of songs, the writer amends something that they said, which like the worst is, of course, your song. Yeah.

Which is... Amazing. Yeah. If I was a sculptor... But then again, no. Hey, do a second draft, asshole. Yeah. I would love to know the decision to leave that in. I know. If it was planned from the beginning? Or he just... Maybe it was an actual mistake. Maybe he was dictating to a parent. Polly, take this down. If I were a sculptor... Wait till I say it. But then again...

No. No! Croc! Croc! Wait till I say it, parrot. And that parrot's going to outlive him, isn't that sad? Precog parrot. We got a red ball for this precog parrot. Wait, wait, it's going to be a murder!

Movies are a waste of time, isn't it? I feel like people like it. I watched part of it again. For some reason, I feel like in the last couple of years, I've heard it referenced so many more times than I ever have. I like these things which are like all about science of like science that doesn't exist, by the way. But wrestling with these moral quandaries of should we do this science? And then the end result is no. No, we shouldn't.

All right, let's do it. This is your choice for number two. Number two. All right, number two, Paul. This is episode 752. You're telling me. Yeah, two after 750. This is the very early mid to late. Yep. Nailed it.

This is from April 11th of 2022. And this is an episode called Wet Day Special. Now listen. Yeah.

You're knocking over that stepstool. I want. What is Angela going to do without that stepstool? We've admitted that we dropped the ball. Oh, my God. He admitted. Oh, my God. We admit it. Oh, my God. We admit it. That we dropped the ball on recording. On recording the numbers for the best of. Sorry. Even though we asked people to remind us and they did. Hashtag sorry, not sorry. But let me tell you something. We asked people to remind us about wet day. About wet day.

And we fucking did a wet day special. We came through. We came through. That's right. Last year on the best ofs, we came up with the concept of wet day.

Neither of us knows what it is. No, we didn't flesh it out any more than that. We don't remember this conversation, why we said it. We just asked you all to remind us about it and what day it was. Because we had decided a day. Yeah, we decided it was in April. I don't even remember what day. I feel like April 12th. I could be wrong. Yeah, it was either that or April 10th or something. We don't know. I didn't look up when it was wet day. Keep talking. But we came up with the concept of wet day. We currently don't even remember what it is. Nope.

Um, we asked you all to remind us maybe a month beforehand. You all did. And we made this episode called wet day special. Let me tell you something. I put in when is wet day? The first two searches or the first search, the first thing that populates when is wet day comedy bang bang. Great. So we've made an impression. So, you know, we're on the right track. And it fucking comes up like it's an actual holiday. There it is. Wow. This is so weird. Wow. Thank you, Google.

Google knows when wet day is. April 10th, yes. April 10th. All right. So April 10th is wet day. April 10th is wet day. April 10th is wet day. By the way, April 10th of 2023 is a Monday. So we're going to be celebrating wet day on the day the episode is actual. Three-day weekend. Yep. So if you listen to this episode, you will hear us trying to –

trying to discern what wet day is from our memory and what could possibly happen on wet day. We're not going to hear that episode or that clip rather. We are going to hear from two people. It was their first appearance on the show. Mike and Ike Mink Salmon. That's right.

Do you want to talk about Mike and Ike Mink Salmon? Yes. Because the people involved are Paul F. Tompkins. Hello. Drew Tarver. And Ryan Gall. Trying to find his voice. Yeah, exactly. So Drew and I discovered that we both liked doing impressions of Mike Ehrmantraut from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul.

And so I had done one just like around the house for Janie, which always got a good laugh out of her. One. And was really, always got one good laugh out of her. And you do it for her date. Oh, my God. I was like, come on, come on, come on. One more? No. And I really enjoyed doing it. He's got a fun voice and, you know, talking about his granddaughter and everything. And then I heard Drew do it on the Teacher's Lounge podcast. Yeah.

And I texted him and said, hey, I do that voice too. Can we do it together on Comedy Bang Bang sometime? And then I think it was like a year later or something. It was a long time. All I know is you didn't tell me that. He –

if he could do it. I think I was reaching out to him. Hey, are you around? Can you do it? And he goes, hey, Paul and I want to do this thing. So this is the first I was hearing about it. I could be, I mean, I can't keep track of how long or short time is anymore at all. So it could have been a day later. One second. Oh, fuck. You're right. Yeah.

That's a good scale. Yeah, it's pretty trippy. It's a one-to-one scale. And so we finally decided to do it, and this was the first time. Yeah, so we're going to hear these characters –

Mike and Ike Mink Salmon. They became fan favorites. This is, I mean, it's all the way up to number two. This is it. We're going to hear it. This is your episode number two. Number two. All right. Well, we have to get to our next guest. This is exciting. They are the aforementioned two grandfathers. Please welcome to the show Spike and Mike Mink Salmon. Let me tell you, if anything happens to my granddaughter...

I'm going to visit you and you're not going to be happy about it. Okay. Don't look at our grandkid. Okay. Sorry. Not wait. Oh, you share a grandchild. We each have a granddaughter. We each have a granddaughter. And don't go near her. And is it the same granddaughter?

If we see you near our granddaughter while she's swinging on the playground, you'll have a problem. Okay. All right. If my granddaughter is coloring and something makes her go outside the lines, I'm going to come for you. Okay. We'll have to get it taken care of.

I doubt I'll be even coming into contact with your granddaughter. Just stay away. Is it the same person? I do need to figure that out because, like, you seem to be related. How would that be possible? Well, I mean, you have the same last name. Are you related? Yes. We're brothers. Okay. So, or you could be married.

We could be. But we're not. But you're not. Okay, so you're brothers. But if we were going to get married and our granddaughter was at our wedding, you don't need to get near the wedding. If our granddaughter is the flower girl at our wedding, walking down the aisle, sprinkling rose petals, and you show up there, you're not going to like what happens. We'll have to take care of you. You'll end up in a Chicago overcoat. Yep. What is a Chicago overcoat? A coffin. A coffin?

A coffin? Really? That's right. They call that a Chicago overcoat? Even outside of Chicago? That's right. Everywhere around the country, they call it a Chicago overcoat. Everyone knows it's a Chicago overcoat. Are you guys from Chicago? No. Yeah, I can tell you're like from back east and you're from the south. Is that right? We're from the same place. Same place. Exactly the same place. Sort of the southern part of Philadelphia. Oh, okay.

South Philly, some people call it. South Philly. Okay. That's right. Okay, and you guys are brothers. We're brothers. That's right. And one of you has a granddaughter and one of you... I have a granddaughter. And I have a granddaughter. And you better stay away. Okay. I'm not going to come into even contact with your granddaughter unless I already know her. You'll end up in a Brooklyn shawl if you come near her. Let me guess, a coffin? Is that another... Yeah, that's right. And everyone in the country...

Calls it that? Everyone everywhere calls it a coffin. Who is your girl? You mean the Brooklyn Choll? Brooklyn Choll. I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. It happens. If you bring up that mistake one more time, you're in trouble. And my granddaughter will know about it. It happens that people make mistakes, but what if I make the mistake of getting too close to your granddaughter? Listen, I'm not going to tell you again.

My granddaughter is off limits. If you go near my granddaughter, you're going to get a St. Paul slacks. St. Paul slacks. That's right. That's right. Let me guess, a coffin? It's a coffin. You're right. And everyone calls it that? Everyone calls it a coffin. I mean. Everyone. Take this coffin glossary. It shows you all the different states and all the different coffins. Okay, Arkansas, Texas.

Left sock? That's right. Interesting. Okay. New Mexico. Or did you guys already say New Mexico? No. No. We have a brother in New Mexico. We do. Oh, you do. You stay away from our brother. Don't get close. Who's this brother? Leave his granddaughter alone. Okay. Look, everyone is a granddaughter pretty much, right? Yeah.

No. That math doesn't check out. But about 50% of the world is a granddaughter. Yes. Yes. Right? On the dot. I mean, it's like almost impossible to not be a granddaughter at some point. 50% of the world are grandparents. You have to try not to be. 50% of the world aren't grandparents. I'm saying 50% of the world are granddaughters. And yet you were right. 50% of the world are grandparents. Grandfamily. Grandfamily. So what

What are you guys here to talk about? Maybe you saw the bumper sticker on the back of our car. I did not. It says, I love my grand family. You have the same bumper sticker, but separate cars? Yes. Separate cars, same bumper. We have to drive right next to each other. Oh, because one bumper sticker has half of it and the other bumper sticker has the other half? And unfortunately for us, it's perforated, so it could tear very easily.

They didn't tell us that until after we bought the bumper sticker. Oh, no. How much is this bumper sticker? $20. $20? And you couldn't just say, oh, less and more. $20,000. I mean, it is longer than normal bumper stickers. The part that's not perforated is very strong. Once he took a left and I dragged him.

I still have the scars. Scars like you're going to have if you touch my granddaughter. Okay, I'm not going to touch your granddaughter. Don't go near. Do I know her? You better not know my granddaughter. You don't even want me to know her?

You know her well. I know, but I do know her? You know her too well. A little too well. You're getting a little too close. Who is this granddaughter? You better stop asking questions about my granddaughter, whom you already know very well. Okay. Are there eight simple rules for knowing your granddaughter or? There's 11 rules. There's 11? That's right. Can I know those? Yes. Okay. Let's hear them. One. Two.

Starting all the way at the most important. Wow. No, the higher it gets, the more important. Yes, yes, yes. One is the easiest one. Okay. Don't go near my granddaughter. Okay.

Now, these are rules for getting near your granddaughter. Number one is don't get. That's right. Don't call her by name. Okay. Don't even look at her. Okay. Keep her name out of your mouth. Okay. Number five. Keep her name out of your fucking mouth. Okay. Very similar to the previous rule. Don't buy her anything. Buy her anything. Okay. Like, what are we talking about? GIFs.

I guess that is, I mean, buying something. I think anything covers it. Don't buy her anything. That means there's not a thing you could buy accidentally that's okay. Don't buy her anything. Anything. So like from a spark plug, the tiniest spark plug. Leave her on the side of the road. We're not going to Noah's Ark this with you. Don't buy her anything. A zebra? Okay, that's number seven, I think. Yes, yes.

Number eight, turn around and walk away. Okay. Right now? Or... It's in the rules. I'm in the middle of the show. Okay. All right. Number nine...

Do not, under any circumstances... Some of these rules have their own words. Now it sounds tricky, but it's intuitive. Is it like the English word circumstances? Exactly. It relates to that a little bit? It relates to that, yes. But it's a totally different definition? Not totally. Not totally. Some of the words are the same. Totally, not totally. Mm-hmm.

So under any... Do not... Do not under any circumstances... Help her get out of a situation. Of a situ... Of any situation. Any situation. Any situation. Any circumstance. Under circumstances, don't help her get out of any situation. Okay. All right. Ten.

Watch your language and be polite. Okay. He's getting further and further away from the English I know. And then there's got to be one and the most important rule, number 11. This one you better remember. Okay. Don't look at her. At her? Okay.

Don't look at her. You don't look at her. Okay, I think I can remember the gist of all that. Read them back. Don't have anything to do with her. Don't go near her. Don't buy anything for her. Keep her name out of my fucking mouth. Proceed. Keep her name out of my mouth without the fucking... Good. And don't go near her. Yes. And under any circumstances

circumstances don't help her out of a situation. I think I got him. That was only four. That was only four? No, that was way more than four. Look, I don't even, I don't know your granddaughter. Why do you love your granddaughter so much? Let's keep it that way. I will keep it that way. Although apparently I do know her, but why do you love her? Did you really ask us why do we love our granddaughter so much? Yeah, why do you love your granddaughter? They're a pain in the ass as far as I'm concerned. Have you ever been on the other side of a seesaw with your granddaughter?

Have you ever been at the park sitting on a bench watching your granddaughter on a swing? And then every once in a while she says, look how high I go, Pop-Pop. And you say, I see you, kid. You're flying. Have you ever got your granddaughter for the last half of the day and you take her out to get food and ice cream and she wasn't supposed to have ice cream? Have you ever yelled at your granddaughter so bad you scared her into tears and then your daughter-in-law of your dead son gets upset?

This sounds very specific. No, I have not done any of these things. Did you have one more? Do you drive a late 80s Chrysler, have a friend named Salamanca, and... Oh, this sounds pretty specific. No, I don't have either of those things. Are you the enforcer for a secret drug lord who fronts a chain of chicken restaurants?

No, unfortunately, I'm not. No. Well, it sounds like you're going to have to be put into a Washington, D.C. mini-tea. Washington, D.C. isn't even a state. Wow, they made it in there. Taxation without representation is tyranny. Oh, are you political? Just on that score. Just on that? What do you think of taxes in general?

I don't like to pay them, but if you want to stay legitimate, you got to pay your taxes. You got to pay a few of them. It's nice that we have nice roads to drive on to do our business. And that's what taxes do.

Interesting. So that must take up a lot of your time. Yeah, it takes a lot of our time. But also, we are those guys at the boardwalk who dress in silver paint and be still. But we have trouble being still. Yeah, you guys are really squirrely. It's hard because I see people thinking about going near my granddaughter and I ruin the illusion of being a silver robot.

Unfortunately, our granddaughters are nearby and unattended, so we can't be still. Are those guys supposed to be motionless to fool you into thinking they're statues or robots? Because I would assume a robot moves. Not all robots move. A coffee maker's a robot. It doesn't go anywhere. Here's my thing about robots, and let's see if you agree. Okay. Everyone's like, oh, no, we can't create robots because they're going to take over the world. Don't give them thumbs.

Case closed. We're going to call our granddaughter and see what she says. Oh, okay. Yeah. Call her up. You've actually asked this to our granddaughter because you know her well. I've talked about this with your granddaughter already. And we were furious. All right. Let's give her a call. Here we go. Dialing the number that you guys gave me. Hello? Hello? Why did I say hello first? I don't... Mom? Hi. This is Scott Aukerman of Comedy Bang Bang. Who? Scott... It's okay, honey. It's Pop Pop. Hi, Pop.

You can talk to this man, but don't let him talk to you for too long. Okay. I'm playing. I love you. I know you're playing really good. I love you too. Thanks. What are you playing? Do you mind me asking? Is that okay to ask? Easy. Easy. I'm separating my Halloween candy into piles. Oh, my God. This is really late to do that, I got to say. It's wet day already. Thank you.

Don't criticize my granddaughter. We let her eat all the old candy that she wants. Okay. So what are the categories you're separating them into? All candy is Halloween candy because candy is sold year-round. I put them into piles of all their different flavors. Oh, look at that. What great piles you made. Reese's peanut butter cups, Reese's Pieces. Do you have piles of... Now and later. I'm not.

Done? She's not done. Okay. Don't interrupt my granddaughter. Or? I'm going to give you a trophy. Okay. Stop there. Stop there. I'm good at that. Now and laters. Whatchamacallits. Peppermint kids. Peppermint kids? Peppermint kids?

Is that the... Which one was that? Come from Peppermint Kids? What do you mean, Peppermint Kids? Is somebody messing with you? What's Peppermint Kids? That's when you mush together Peppermint Patty and Sour Patch Kids. Okay. That's not one of our code words. So everything's fine. Everything's fine. Wait, you have code words, and what happens if the granddaughter says one of the code words? You get a trophy, and then you're presented with a Pennsylvania patio set. Ha ha ha!

Do you guys have go bags or anything? Or like I would imagine your granddaughter's go bag is just filled with Halloween candy. Is that? Don't imagine things about my granddaughter. It's got a lot of candy and a lot of gravy. Stacks of five pennies. Apples. Stacks of five pennies. Floss. Watermelon suckers. Okay. Okay. Are you done, honey? Uh-huh.

Okay. See, she has floss. That's a good girl. Good girl. Okay, say goodbye. No, we haven't passed her about. So see, you knew her. Creating thumbs on robots yet. Sounds familiar. What do you think about creating thumbs on robots? Hey. Oh, she's still there.

Scott, are we meeting up again today? You better stay away from my granddaughter. Don't you dare. Who are you? They say I know you really well. Who is this? You know my name. Who? Don't tell him, honey. Don't say it. You already know it. What is your name? We work together all the time. We do? All right. Yeah. Remember? You know me.

You don't recognize this name. Where have I seen you? You see this person every day. Every single day. Cool up? You better stay away. Don't you dare. Wait, is Cool Up your granddaughter? Be careful. You're on thin ice. We're going to drive side by side over to your house and then put you in a New York grill. Grill? Grill.

This is the cookware. That's right. Cookware portion. Okay. It's the kind that was advertised on podcasts there for a while. Hey, honey, what do you think about the thumbs on robots? Are you still there? I'm here. I was playing a new game. Oh, what's the game, honey? I was counting letters. How many are there? 26, right? Yeah, but you can count. I figured out you can count different letters multiple times. So like counting is good. That's amazing.

So like B, for instance, you could count it how many times? I've counted B 114 times so far. Wow. That's a lot of times to count a B. I'm coming over. Don't condescend to my granddaughter. I'm coming over, Scott. I want to play against your house again. I don't think you should come over. Honey, listen to Pop Pop. Don't come over here just yet, okay? Because Scott might not be here by the time you get here, all right? I might have a trophy by the time you're here.

Might be wearing something. Okay, say goodbye, honey. Say goodbye. You're just going to have to hang up. Okay, bye. Bye. So, what have you learned?

I'm not placing the voice, I have to say. I mean, someone I see every single day. Every single day. The majority of the day. I think it's just Kulop. You spend nine hours or more with this person every single day. It's definitely got to be Kulop, but she doesn't have any Halloween candy. She doesn't talk like a little baby, I don't think. And I don't think either of you are a grandfather. Don't insult my granddaughter. If you say we are lying about...

about having a granddaughter. We will come over there. Very weird you would say that. Anytime someone says like... Who would lie about having a granddaughter? You better watch your step. Be careful. Be careful. If you think we are just boardwalk performers that are lying about our granddaughters... Just to get on this show? And don't even have a Dairy Queen franchise.

I would have had you guys on just as the Boardwalk performers. That's, I mean, maybe even more interesting than having granddaughters. We said to your producer that we were a huge fan of Wet Day.

And we washed off all our silver, and we got sopping wet, and we came down here. We came right down here. Okay. But why the—I'm assuming you guys are lying. Is that— If you say we're lying about having a granddaughter, then you might be a redneck. Okay, I might be. Number two. Ah, yes.

So Ryan Gall was waiting in the wings in my backyard, waiting to do Doug Gropes, which he does in the next segment. But he did the granddaughter's voice for that when we were taking calls. We could not remember her name for the longest time. Kaylee. Kaylee. Right. Right. Yeah. I think we looked it up when we did it live. Right. You did it live up in Portland. Is that right? Up in Portland Way. Yeah. And that was really fun. Yeah. So added-

I mean, you added some stuff to. Oh, it eventually got to the point where. You realize you guys knew your. We murdered our own son because he's getting too close to our granddaughter, which was his daughter. So funny. All right. So we'll see you next Wednesday. And please remind us. Remind us. When do we want people to remind us?

No. No, but maybe six weeks before. I tell you what. Six weeks before. I'm going to put it in my calendar right now. Okay. And then hashtag Birdman as well. Yes. Comedy Bang Bang. I love the Comedy Bang Bang best ofs. Hashtag Birdman. Birdman. I got to put it in mine as well just to remind myself that it's going to happen. And maybe we don't do it. Okay. April 10th. April 10th. Yes. April 10th. Wet day special episode.

I'm going to call it. The second annual wet day special. Part dual. All right. So that was number two. That's pretty exciting. Pretty exciting stuff. I mean, it's exciting because we're about to go to number one. Oh, man. Can you imagine being at number one and then hearing that clip? Guess what? Guess what? We're going to do it when we come back from this break. That's great. I have six minutes, by the way. Oh, okay. Okay.

Shit, I didn't know you had a time constraint. All right, we'll be right back.

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Comedy Bang Bang. We're back. I'm so sorry, Scott. What's up, Paul? Devin, do you know who Shields and Yarnell are? I do. Okay. Yeah, good. We're glad. We just wanted to get the word out about Shields and Yarnell. Have you heard the good news? Shields and Yarnell are a husband and wife mime duo. Oh, my God.

Um, welcome back. And Paul, uh, uh, it's been four days since, uh, we took a break and Paul said he had to go and he did and he disappeared. You went off the grid for a while. But I did come back. I was completely off the grid. Well, you only came back because I tracked you down with a private investigator. Okay. But I came back. It's the important thing. You're back now. How'd that guy find me? Credit card receipts.

You got to go cashless. I forgot when you go off the grid, you shouldn't use your credit card. That's what being off the grid means. And I mean, I was buying shit like crazy. You had Amazon deliveries. I had Amazon deliveries every day, all day long. Man, this is our final segment on the show. It had to come to this. We've taken our final break and we're back from it. That's the last break we'll ever take for these best ofs. Oh my God, I'm getting so sentimental.

We're going to hear the top episode of the year now. It's impossible to believe. I can't believe it, but we're going to do it. You voted on it. This is it. This is your number one. Number one. All right, Paul. All right, Scott. This is episode 738. Oh, this is fucking squarely squarely.

In the early, no, the late, early, early mids. Yep. Of 700s. You did it. Wow. And this is from January 3rd of 2022. That seems like the beginning of the year. Maybe the first episode? The first episode and the first episode of the backyard era. Of 2022, the great backyard era of 2022. Yeah, exactly. And Paul, you want me to alert you to it. This was the first Oh No episode. Thank you.

What do you think? Did you want to guess or something, or you just wanted me to alert you? I think I would like to hazard a guess. Okay. Do you want to hear the title, or do you just want to hazard the guess first? I want to hazard the guess first. I think that this episode involves a certain...

Michael McDonald. Whose talk is a bit on the non-savory side. The sweet variety. That's right. This is an episode called Three Doctors. Oh, no. And it's number one. And this the people involved are Ben Schwartz. We heard from him a couple of episodes ago. Ben Schwartz. Katie Dippold. Katie Dippold.

And I think this is her first and only appearance on Comedy Bang Bang to date. Yeah, she'll never be on again. Oh, to date. I'm sorry. To date. She really wants to do it again. And I keep asking her and she's a busy Hollywood screenwriter. It's very true.

She's written such movies as The Lady Ghostbusters and – Lady Remington. What was – The Heat, I believe, with Sandra Bullock. Yeah. And she also did the Amy Schumer Goldie Hawn one, which I thought was very funny. Amy Schumer Goldie Hawn. Do da, do da. And then Gil O'Zerry, who this is his third of three appearances –

that he made in the year. All three made the top 10. Dang. Nice work. Top six, in fact. All three. Nicer work. He came in very prepared, and this is the first one that he did. He understood the assignment. So this is a Backyard episode. This is the first episode of the Backyard Era. This is our first episode back in the new year.

And, you know, some people say like, oh, why –

Occasionally we would get messages about like, oh, why are you doing backyard episodes? The pandemic is over or whatever. Because performers request it. That's why. Or whoever requests it. It doesn't matter. Not everybody is you. Yeah. Some people have certain situations in their lives where they need to do it outside. Let's be cool about that. It's also like it's free. Yeah. But I mean, what's funny to me about that is I every once in a while see complaints about

It being outside or something. And to me, it didn't bother me at all. As a listener, it didn't bother me at all. We were just having fun. The sound was still good. And guess what? This is your favorite episode of the year. So, everybody, chill. Fuck you. Shut the fuck up. Sit the fuck down. Get the fuck out. So, um...

The background of this episode is Ben always does the first episode of the year. And I asked who he wanted to do it with. And he does improv a lot with Katie and has known her for a ton of time. So she has time for him.

So she was available. She is – no spoilers. She is not available for the first episode of next year. And neither is Gil. But Ben is, of course. But so Katie did it and Gil, we've talked about it on the hot sauce episode. They're really close.

And so Ben lives relatively close to me. So he was walking over. Oh, now that's close. It's pretty close. He was walking over and on the way, he got a text from Gil. And the text said, tell Scott that I'm bringing something I need to hook into the sound system. And Ben read that and like a psychopath, assumed it was a joke and didn't tell me. Because...

What would be funny about that? I don't understand. So let's say, okay. So let's say it is a prank of some kind. Yeah. And Ben tells you, I have something I need. Gil says he has something he needs to plug into the sound system. Right.

And then Gil gets there and either does or doesn't. Either way, it maybe adds three minutes of stress to my life. I don't know how it's a prank to say. But so, so by the time that Ben then got there and Gil showed up, by the way, Ben got there 10 minutes before Gil did. Hmm.

He got there 10 minutes earlier because he was walking there. Didn't say a word about it. By the time Gil got there and had this whole big, like, jam box set up that he needed to plug in, everything was already set up. And I was like, oh, I could have figured that out. Or I could have called Devin to come bring a part I needed for it, but to plug right directly into the system. Or I could have canceled this recording. Yeah.

Throwing the table over in disgust. But everyone had to go within, like everyone had hard outs and needed to go. So we just had to do it. So basically what Gil did was he had this jam box connected to a keyboard. And so we just put a microphone next to it, hoping that it would pick up and... Oh, wait, a jam box is one of those Bluetooth speakers, right? Portable speakers, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And...

And we just hoped for the best. And it was practically unintelligible, which makes it even funnier because we are dying laughing at Gil doing this incredible production to do this thing. That is not working. It's not working only due to the setup that Ben just blew him off about. It's very funny. Now, here's what I have to ask. Yeah.

Why did Gil not tell you directly? I don't know. That is a good question, too, because Gil has my info. Yes. But maybe he and Ben were talking. That's what I say. I think they talk all the time. They're really good friends. And maybe Ben said, I'm on my way over there. Yeah, that's probably what happened. And he's like, oh, hey, by the way, can you tell Scott that I have this? And I mean, Scott, you know what happened, right? It's as obvious to you as it is to me. What's up? Ben's sabotaging Gil. That's what it is. He didn't think that was a joke.

He knew it and he wanted him to fail. But then it backfired on Ben. That's right. Because it's the top episode of the year. Six Emperor Tyrannus. Wow. Well, this is the first episode where we hear 2022's catchphrase. And this was the episode where our plugs theme. This is the first year long catchphrase. Is that correct? Yeah. Yeah. We've had this catchphrase all year. I don't think it's ever happened before. I don't think it has. This is amazing.

So we're going to hear this entire segment with Dr. Sweet Chat, the small talk robot. This is your choice for episode number one. Number one. I don't know anything about what this is, but please welcome for the very first time on this show, Dr. Sweet Chat, the small talk robot. Thank you, Scott. Whoa, doctor. How are you? I am doing well. Hi.

I am Dr. Sweetchat, the small talk robot. Oh, thank God, because I introduced Dr. Sweetchat, the small chat robot, and then you started talking, and if you weren't... I'm just making conversations, guys. Are you... Take us through what you are, so I can't... I don't want to... You explain what you look like. I'm a flesh-covered cube. You're a flesh-covered cube. I was built. I'm a prototype built. I am a...

His name was Professor Kruppi. Professor Kruppi with a C? Okay, so you were built by a widower, you say? Why is that important? Why is that important? He was my way, was my way, and added small talk. Designed me to be the world's best widower.

Oh, okay. So you and this person had nobody. You were the person to do a small talk with because he was so bad at it. Wow. So he was a widower. How old was he when he was widowed? He was in his 50s. Oh, wow. Late 50s, early 50s. This is important.

52. 52. Early 50s. And then how long is he still around? I don't know how long you've been alive. He is around and he lets me in and out to make conversation and practice small talk. Well, that's great. Can I ask you, he lets you out of the house. How do you get around? Because you're just a flesh-covered cube. You don't even have wheels. I buy around.

On a roller skate. On one roller skate? That's correct. And by the way, I see the roller skate now. It's to the left of you. It's one of those old, like, 70s roller skates that you would strap to tennis shoes. That's correct. It's this roller skate. I'm always blist on it. You're always blist on it? Blist. Blist. Oh, so when you leave, we have to place you on it. If you are...

Of course. Although I'd love to have you. I mean, you're excellent at small talk. I've noticed.

Oh, let's do it. Start, start it. Can we pretend that Dr. Yvette, sorry, Dr. Yvette Victor. Thank you. Let's pretend we're at a party. Have you ever role played before in any of your sessions? I have, yes. What kind of role plays do you normally do? I always play a mother. Oh, okay. Do you want to play a mother? Are you a mother? Absolutely.

I have three beautiful children. Oh, hey. Congratulations. With your first husband? With my first husband. They don't speak to me, but that's something I like. Oh, okay. All right. I could role play a mother. Okay. Well, that's just you being yourself, though. Right. I could role play- So something totally different than what you are. Okay. Ooh, this is exciting. Good. An Olympic swimmer. Great. Oh, okay. That's great. All right. And we're at a party celebrating you got the silver.

Sure. Okay. Would you prefer the gold? I would like the gold. Okay. Give her the gold. All right. Why not? Why wouldn't you? All right. All right. So we're at a party. Hey, Ben, do you see her over there? Holy shit. Is that that Olympic swimmer? I didn't watch any of the Olympics except for her. Her final race was unbelievable. She was going so slow, but the other people were even slower. I know. I've never seen anything like it. It was like...

What do you mean spider season? We haven't even gotten to the Olympic swimmer yet. What do you mean spider season is over? I guess there were a lot of spiders for a little bit. Feels like it came and went.

The rain's been warm? Is that what you said? We got our first rain shower in a while. I've never really judged the heat of rain. Yeah, I guess when we go outside, you don't really feel it. Rain, rain, rain.

Write me to where you agree or this is a program. Anyone here love uphill skiing? Anyone here love what? Uphill skiing? Uphill skiing. I don't think that's a thing. I think it has to be downhill skiing. Because cross-country skiing is level. You can't ski up. The gravity will push you down. Why? Because the snow is very slippery. He's learning. This is him learning to not ask the same question, I think. Snow is very slippery, and any time you try to go up, you'll just end up skiing backwards.

That's closer. Okay. I mean, you're in the ballpark, which if you're playing baseball, that's where you want to be. It means you've arrived to work. You're a pointy ball? Pointy ball? What is he saying? I don't think it can be a ball if it's pointy. Whoa, Jesus. Christ. Very interactive.

What did he say? He said, what about football genius? Oh, wow. Jesus. That's that small talk. That's you being rude. Please buy a banana. Come on. Please buy. No, you're doing an ad right now.

What? We can't understand what you're saying. Go slower. Professor Krupe's experiments were funded by Banana Repulse. Why? That's not a part of Smalltalk? Okay. Okay. God. Um...

Yes, Professor. Oh, this happens to be a belt from Banana Republic. Yeah. Should we pretend that we're on an elevator together as strangers? Yeah, do you still want to be the swimmer? Because I feel like you didn't get a chance to weigh in. That's okay. Yeah, it was fun. I mean, like we were talking, we kind of expected you to enter at some point. I was just enjoying the scene. Yeah, I mean, it was pretty

compelling scene. It was, but this is beyond small talk. You've overtaken the conversation. You haven't allowed anybody to really talk back to you at all. That'd be great. Yeah.

What makes a dog interesting is its tail or the fact that it is so uncomfortable underwater. Are dogs uncomfortable underwater? I mean, underwater. Oh, my goodness. Stop it.

Coming at Dr. Yvette Bittner. That's a doctor. She's in the competition for me in the doctor room. Oh, I see. Two doctors. We've never had two doctors on the show before. Maybe this is what happens when... I must be honest to you. I am coming on to you. I am coming on to you.

Oh, nagging. So do you find this doctor attractive? Oh, let's hear your romance. Do you mind, doctor, if you allow him to romance you? No, let's pretend I'm on the elevator. Yeah, you're on the elevator, you're the swimmer, and you're unmarried. Yeah, just to give it more time, let's say I've just hit floor 203. Oh, no.

Do you mind if I cross your foot? Oh, that's true. To be honest, I would just, I wouldn't want it to be, I would try something that's less damaging or sounds physically painful. I'd love to get you back to my hotel room and get you under the bed.

Under the bed? Did you say bled or bed? Under the bed. Under the bed. We don't need to flavor town. Flavor town? Did you say flavor town? Yeah, flavor town. What the fuck is flavor town? Whoa, doctor, you're flying off the head. Now, doctor, why does this make you feel so unhappy? This is good for you to look at yourself. Flavor town just sounded, I didn't know what it meant. Yeah, I think he was intimating that he'd like to eat, uh,

There's no other way to say it, but... There is. You've already made a mistake. Don't start with eat. You're... No, no, no, no. Oh, that's what he meant. That's fine. Oh, that's okay. That's fine. Okay, sorry. I misunderstood. It's working then. Robot, it's working. Doctor...

Oh. All my weight on your stomach. All the weight of a flesh-colored cube. By the way, what are your dimensions? Oh.

So you're like the size of, the size of like what, a matchstick case, but if it was totally square genius, and then you're way 400 pounds. Well, it's easy. I'm trying to think of something three inches by three inches. During the break, of course, you were comparing everything to matchbooks. Everything to matchbooks, yeah. Have you practiced small talk when someone throws it at you? Oh, please. Doctor. Oh, yeah. We're outside a bank,

You don't have to keep saying where we are. Oh, okay. I stepped aside. It's hot out today. I stepped aside.

Did you say let's lose the phone? Let's lose the phone. I think it's funny that we can't understand him because he's a small talk robot. So half the small talk is about how we don't understand what he's saying. Just so I understand, I went up to him and said, how about this warm weather? And he said, let's lose the phone, lady. And he said, let's lose the phone, lady. Were you on your phone? You know what? I bet the phone was in my hand. All right, keep going. That's how you got the information about the weather, though. That's true. I

I am coming from the bank. That's actually really good. That's the first good small talk thing you've said. Oh, no, he's a crypto guy. Oh, God. Okay. Okay, but I understand. Yeah, there you go. That's a small talk thing. This is a flow. Yeah, this is good. Great.

I was going to say a piece of paper. Oh, my God. Wow. This is working. This is working. You guys are kind of hitting it off, I gotta say. That's so interesting.

I do like music. What kind of songs do you like? It's good. God, I guess I like a little... I guess people describe genres of music they like more than what kind of songs they like. But go ahead. Yeah, rock and roll. Oh.

Do you want to know my favorite song? Yeah, I would love to hear your favorite song. That's the song? The title of the song? Oh, is that the sound? So your favorite song is an old man sipping seltzer. What? What?

What? I don't understand. What are you talking about? You're frustrating him. Yeah, he wants you to leave him alone. I know. I want to see how you handle antagonism. I want to see how you handle, like, conflict. I've never seen a flesh cube sweat before. Yeah. It's perspiring very heavily. And it's such a small cube. It's like a matchstick. It's enough with a matchstick. Hey.

Hey, sir, get out of my seat, sir. That's my seat. I paid for it. We're at Madison Square Garden, and I want my seat. Get out of it. Okay, that's not common. That's a good way of dealing. Here you go. What? What was that?

Do you have a friend with you? Your friend Siri is enabled? What the hell is going on? Siri sounded like a regular human. Why don't you sound as good as Siri?

You sound like a robot. Oh, I'd love to hear it. Please, I can't believe you're packed with so many things. You go from one to the other so quick. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's a robot for you. Just robot brains move quicker than our brains. That's true. Ones and zeros. What did the razor say to the umbrella? Raisin. Raisin? Okay. What did the raisin... I'm usually pretty good at these jokes. It's great that we have to repeat...

everything that you say and we get it wrong half the time. It's really filling up the time. It's putting out a lot of content. I really enjoy this. All three of us seem to be pretty, we know jokes, right? Yeah, what are the raisin say? Well, this is the Riddler, which we used to do. Riddle me this. Oh, riddle me this, of course. Yeah, of course. What do the raisins say? Let's all take a guess. What's the question? What do the raisins say to the umbrella? It's a joke. It's a joke for us all. Okay, so let's all take a guess. What is he curious about?

I don't think he's curious at all. Jesus, stop shitting on the doctor. All right, everyone take a guess. What did the raisin say to the umbrella? I'm happy we're both dried up now.

Okay. Okay, that could be it. Hey, I could have used you because before I was a prune. There you go. That's good. Okay, what do you got? I guess he's wondering. Wow. You're trying to figure out his psychology instead of... He is. Well, let's hear it. Fine. What is he wondering? Raisins and umbrellas. I mean, that's obvious.

What is it? I mean, obviously, a raisin, he feels small. He's tiny. You know, this is obviously a cell-based human issue. Yeah, but then the umbrella. An umbrella goes large. It's like 60 magnets. Okay, okay. But it also can protect him. Wow. Okay, interesting. So what did the raisin say to the umbrella? I think he said, protect me. Wow. Okay, interesting. You're very good at your job. Yeah. Oh, my God. So what did the raisin say to the umbrella? No.

Is that the joke? Oh, no. Oh, no, you forgot the answer. Ah!

I would. I guess, yeah. What did the chef say when the book fell on his toe? What did the chef say when the book fell on his toe? We're getting better at understanding. Yeah. But we're still repeating in case the audience. Of course. We're able to read. His lips. Well, I mean, you have like, yeah, like a little slit in your cube. Oh,

Okay, so what did they say to you? And that's your mouth, by the way? Do you eat? Do you eat? What do you eat? Baby carrots. Was that the answer to the joke? Oh, I don't think so. Okay. Yeah, I thought it might be oh no. Why do you think these are funny? These are jokes to you? Okay.

Where did the brick get his diploma from? Where did the brick get his diploma from? Okay. You should have guessed that. What does that mean, repetition doctor? So much repetition. I mean, he knows the rule of threes in comedy. Well, let's see. Do you have another joke? That was the third one. Yeah, but now he has four.

You already did that. That's how we do it. Oh, no. I know. We know this one. You know, it's interesting. Repetition in therapy is a lot of times people keep doing the same thing, hoping for a different outcome. Yes, of course, by the way. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I know, Dr. Sweetjack. You're not dissing her, you're threatening her.

Why are you smoking right now? Oh, yeah. You want large talk. Okay, well, that's good. Well, you're with a therapist and two people who are pretty open. Absolutely. I'm going to start putting my coat on while you're talking, but go ahead.

Yeah, she stood up and the salmon just spilled all over the ground. What? Oh, no. I thought he created you because his wife was dead. Yes, but he did not know that I was the one.

But he created you because she was dead. Did you build a time machine? And that doesn't make any sense. She died, he built you, you went back in time and killed her before she died? Yeah.

How? Okay, this makes sense to me. Wait, is it a joke or no? Yeah, why did the chef say when the book fell? Oh, no. Well, there we have it, huh?

One more needs to be said. And how clearly can it be said? Now, here's what I reveal to you. Yes. I have not heard this episode. Whoa! Never listened to it. But every episode that I've done since then, since that episode dropped. Mm-hmm.

I believe every single plugs theme has included samples of Dr. Sweet Chat. Going, oh, no. Oh, Dr. Sweet Chat. Very funny. He was just on our holiday spectacular and was even less audible. How is that possible? I don't know. Did he do the setup the same way? I think so. I don't know. I don't know what happened.

I mean, we could tell what he was saying because we're reading lips as well. That's the other thing. So that's why we're repeating it so much. Sure. You know, and we're hearing like this and stuff like that off mic. Snakes. We're hearing snakes. Plenty of snakes in the backyard era. Well, that was, that's...

That was number one. That's incredible. There we go. I had a feeling that was going to be number one. I know that it is much beloved and I want to say congratulations to that episode. Congratulations to that episode. Should we run through some stats? Oh man, this is the part I live for. All right, here we go. All right, we're going to do it by month.

How many episodes? Oh, I'm sorry. When you said stats, I was thinking states. Oh, what did you... We're not going to run through the states? Arkansas, Arizona. Okay. Now you got my attention. Alabama. Okay, so by month...

November of 2021, one episode. December of 2021, one episode. January, two episodes. February, one. March, one. April, one. May, three episodes from May. We're on a hot streak that month. Zero from June. Ooh.

Ooh, immediate cold streak. Goose egg in the summer. Yeah. Cold streak in the summer. July, two episodes. Pick them back up. August, one episode. Going back down. September, two episodes. Picking back up. October, ooh, zero. Now that's scary. That's scary. And the O in October is kind of like a zero. Yeah.

Zero October, November two episodes. Maybe that's recency bias. I don't know. But so pretty spread out over the year. Yeah. Not bad. Ten studio episode seven backyard. Wow. Which is pretty much the ratio of months that we did. So, you know, not too bad. You got ratioed. Yeah.

All right. So these are the people who appeared in two episodes in The Best Of. Andy Daly, Sean Diston, Tim Baltz, Lisa Gilroy, Will Hines, Carl Tartt, Mary Holland, Ego Wotum, Ryan Gall, Ben Schwartz, Dan Lippert, and weirdly enough, Adam Pally being in two episodes in The Best Of. Wow. If you had told me that that was happening in 2022 and not 2012. I would have said you're crazy. You're fucking crazy. Okay. Here are the people who did three episodes. Jason Manzoukas.

Lily Sullivan, and Gil Ozary. All three that he did were in that top six. Three timers. And Paul, were you keeping track? Do you know how many episodes you were in? No. Ten.

10 of the 17. Yes. Jesus. Including, uh, Charles and Shimmy being in the Zooks episode. You were in 10 of the- Including that. You were in 10 of the 17 and you were in the bonus clip that got, that, that won. Dang. You were in the lion's share of everything. Am I just in more episodes than most people? I think so. But, but also, I think you probably did 12 episodes.

I think. And 10 of those turned out to be in the top 17. So Yeoman's work from Paul F. Tompkins. Yo, man, let me tell you something. I am most gratified and what a pleasure it was. I had so much fun. Yeah. This is a fun year. Yeah. This is the first year where the first episode eligible and the last episode eligible made the countdown. Congrats. We had over 50,000 votes. Yeah.

From the USA to Canada, the UK, Australia, Sweden, Germany, Ireland, New Zealand, Finland, the Netherlands, Denmark, and Norway. Wow. France, fuck off. France, fuck off. Italy, fuck off. Italy, why you no listen to comedy bang me? Did you say Spain?

Espana? Espana. Fuck off. Who you say? Fuck off? Why you no listen to Comedy Bang Bang? Why you no listen to Comedy Bang Bang? Why you listen to the Mario movie and not Comedy Bang Bang? It's me, sad. Because you no listen to Comedy Bang Bang. So incredible. Thank you, everyone, for voting.

And I want to thank you, Paul, for not only being on the show so much, but for doing these best ofs. This is always...

The lead up to it is my least favorite time of the year, listening to my own voice for weeks on end pulling these clips. But the day we do it is one of my favorite days of the year. Well, Scott, I agree. It's the same for me. I love doing these best ofs. And I've said it before and I will say it again. I count the hours that I have spent in the studio with you among the happiest of my life. Well, speaking of the studio...

This is the final episode. You teased this in the first of the best ofs. This is the final episode in the Earwolf studio. It's wild. We've been here the longest of any place that we've done the show. Yeah, of any studio. Yeah, we did the radio station, Indie 103.1 for a year. Then we moved into the place next to the alley and next to the marijuana dispensary. Yeah, the drug den. The drug den. And that was for a year, year and a half. Mm-hmm.

Moved over to the place on the fourth floor of that big fancy building. Maybe there a year and a half, maybe two, I don't know. And then moved just upstairs from here for a good chunk of time. Good chunk of time. But then in here for a while and the Earwolf Studios are closing down. Yeah. So this is the final Comedy Bang Bang episode ever to be recorded in here. Let me ask you this because I haven't asked off mic. Yeah. And I don't know what happens. Yeah.

Where do studios go when they die? Where do shows go when the studio dies? Nowhere. No, they go to the new SiriusXM studios. Okay. As well as some other places. I don't know where we're going to be recording. Oh, okay. You have not decided yet. I haven't decided yet. Okay. But we will find it. This is the very last one in this room. We've had the best ofs in this particular studio of the studios every year for the past several years. The studio of studios. Oh, yes. Yes.

So, uh, uh, thank you to the studio. Uh, I want to thank all the performers. Thank you. Building. Thank you. Inanimate object. And now onto people. I want to thank all the performers who were on comedy. Bambing. Obviously, uh, I don't think anyone would listen to the show if it was just me talking for a long time. Uh, it, the show is all of these performers. Uh,

who give their genius talents to make the show as funny and as fun as it is. So I want to thank everyone who's been on the show this year. I want to thank all of the fans. I mean, obviously, if no one were listening, no one would give a shit. Well, that's a good point. You know what I mean?

I also want to thank everyone who came to see us on tour. That was really fun. We did all of August. We did over 25 shows, I feel like. And they're all up at cbbworld.com. You can hear all of those. And they were super fun. Super fun. All the people who came to see us. I want to thank everyone who worked on the show. Several of whom, oh, they're all over here right now. You got July over there. July, who listens to all these episodes. Do you still listen to him, July? He does. And he writes all the descriptions for them.

And an incredible amount of time he spent listening to my voice. Can I tell you this? Good descriptions. Yeah. It's a very specific thing. Some people are not good at it. Would it kill you to describe a naked lady once in a while? Ooh. You know? Matambo. Dikembe. He used to give you the Dikembe. Thank you to Kimmy as well, our new producer. And we want to give a special thank you to our producer, Devin Bryant, who

This is his final episode of Comedy Bang Bang. He is moving on to, I don't know whether they're greener pastures, but they're pastures nonetheless. And Devin, you can get on mic for the first time. I'm going to allow you to get on mic. What a character arc. Can you believe it? This is incredible. Your first episode you did, I begged you not to get on mic. You did. Yes. You said, don't touch that fucking fader. Get your goddamn hands off that. Something like that.

It's the Max Silvestri app. That was my first one. Oh, really? Yeah. The guy who did that 10-minute set in Nebraska? Uh-huh, the 10-minute set.

Devin, thank you so much for all of your work, not only this year, but to the past few years. How long have you been doing the show at this point? I've been producing it for two years, but before that I was doing things like I did the 10th anniversary ep with you, the 10-hour episode. I'm the guy who edited it all together. And so, yeah, I was always taking on the big projects. Anytime you would hear like a little shh, shh, shh.

like the sound of scissors cutting during that episode. That was you. That was me. Yeah. Why did you dub that in there? You know, just so people knew some work had been done. You don't want to show the scenes. It was distracting. I think people understand.

Devin, you're moving on. You can stay where you're going so people can follow you or you can plug whatever you want to plug. This is your time for plugs. Oh, thank you. That's really nice of you. Yeah, I've been hired on as a senior producer over at Smartless Media. They're starting up a whole network over there and I'm their first hire producer. So I'm going over there to build a whole new slate of shows with them and they've already got some cool stuff in the pipeline. And yeah, I'm really, really excited about it. Congratulations. Can we have shows over there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll talk. We'll talk.

We'll definitely talk. God damn. Hook us up. Hook us up with one of those smartless deals. Jesus Christ, I bet they have money. Yeah. Seriously. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

Devin, thank you so much. It's truly my pleasure. Been great working with you. Yeah, and I mean, just to say a couple of the crazy things that we have pulled off together, Scott. I won't even say each of the things, but there are certain episodes that you know. We've even brought them up occasionally where we just pulled some shit off that shouldn't be possible. Shouldn't have been done, yeah. And typically those episodes end up in the best of since like, wow, we really fooled them. And I'm so proud of that work that we did together. Yeah, there was the episode where the recorder turned off. Yes, yes.

for the whole uh last 45 minutes didn't get recorded and we re-recorded it all from memory yes exactly there's the it was jamie loftus right who lost all of her audio jamie loftus but uh uh but

I'm loving it. Jamie Lee. Jamie Lee. Jamie Lee. Yes, exactly. Who lost her entire episode audio and then hopped on with on a Zoom with me on a Friday night. And you re-recorded her entire. Every single line that she said in an improv all the way through and flew it all back in.

Yeah, I mean, yeah. But it's truly been a pleasure because not everybody asks you to pull off these kinds of things. And that's what makes it a really great show. So other shows are easier, but you like this one more? Yeah, weirdly. And you also do music. You've done the theme song to our TMNT show and also Scott Hasn't Seen. And Scott Hasn't Seen. I did the theme for that. And people may know if they listen to Get Played, Apodaca and Heather Ann Campbell's show, that I did 137 discreet theme songs for that show. Or discreet? They're all different. Or distinct. Shh.

They're all completely different. So they're distinct. That's distinct. They're discrete from each other. That's a thing, too. No. Yeah. Is this what you're going to bring to Smart List? E-T-E, not E-E-T. Ah. Oh, that's a different verb. All right. All right.

Hashtag, uh, Devin, your baffle gabs on Twitter. Baffle gabs on Twitter, yeah. If he's right, hashtag, uh, you know. Birdman. Birdman, obviously. Explain baffle gabs. Where does that come from? It's, uh, well, so you know the phrase techno babble, right? That's like the. Sure I do. I live it. In sci-fi, exactly. That's what you say. So baffle gabs is the British version of techno babble. It's what they would say about Doctor Who. Oh, we'll just, we'll write a bit of baffle gabs for that bit. I.

I've never heard that before, and I really love it. I know. Interesting. Devin, do you want to come in here and be part of the snowman game? Yes, please. Okay, come on in. Sit in this chair. We're going to do the snowman game. He's fucking right. I've never heard this usage before. D-I-S-C-R-E-T-E. Individually separate and distinct. Okay, wow. He's smarter than us. Discreet.

So chic. C'est soit. Where did he go? Oh, okay. He's back. Well, that's... Oh, that's great. So chic. All right. All right. You ready? Yes, yes. This is the end of the show. We have the snowman game. We played it in part two. And Paul, describe what happens in the snowman game. All right. This morbidly obese snowman...

You press his little hand. It looks like something out of Brendan Fraser's The Whale. You press his fat hand and then he spins around and sings Let It Snow. He stops periodically.

And sings. And then if he stops his song, if the song ends and he is facing you. Yeah. It feels like a million bucks. And I'm going to raise the stakes a little bit more. You're going to R the T's? Whomever he looks at, I will donate $100 to the charity of their choice. And it can be themselves. Yeah.

Oh, okay. I like it. But you have to say who it is on mic. Hold on, hold on. And if he doesn't look at anyone, I'm not giving $100 to anyone. I mean, that's fair. That's fair. Reasonable. All right, here we go. Three, two. He's spinning. He's spinning. He's looking over my left shoulder.

And now he's spinning again. He's spinning. He's looking again over my left shoulder, not right at me. He's spinning again. He's spinning again. Looking over Paul's left shoulder. It's not going to be me. Final spin.

So close to Devin. God damn it. He's splitting Devin and Paul. One more? One more. One more. One more. Here we go. But only $50. Come on. You can't go twice. No, that's fair. All right. He's spinning around. He's looking even. He's looking at Kimmy. Is he looking at Kimmy? Okay, yeah. All right, here we go. Looking pretty straight at Kimmy at this point, I would say. And, but this, I think he has two more spins.

He's splitting Paul and Devin again. This is his final spin. Let it snow. Same place. Same place. All right, one more for 25. One more for 25. In an Apple gift certificate. Should I adjust him? We could. Because I'm afraid he's going to end up in the same place. Let's tell you what. You turn around.

Oh, right, right. And you say spin. Okay. And you close your eyes and say spin. And then I'll stop when you say stop. You didn't say spin, but I'm spinning. I could hear you spin. Stop! Okay. It's almost pretty much the same place. But looking right at Devin. Looking right at Devin. Okay, here we go.

The outside is frightful, but the fires are so delightful. He's now looking. Is he looking at July? Maybe at July. He might be looking at July. All right. And he's spinning again. He's looking right at Paul. Right at Paul. Oh, it's electric every time. He's looking over my right shoulder. This is the last one. I spin. Oh. Over my left shoulder. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Didn't happen. At least you looked dead at someone at one point. Yeah, and it happened to be you. And let me tell you, when he's looking at you, it feels so good. It feels like God's light has shined upon you. It feels like he is choosing you. It truly, truly does. And you know what? We want to thank you for choosing us. We know you have many choices. We know you have a ton of podcasts you can listen to.

And the fact that you still listen to this one 13 and two thirds of the year of the year through is the definition of insanity. Yeah.

You really should stop listening to this show. If we can do anything in 2023, it's to beg you to stop listening so we can stop this and die. No, we really do want to thank you. And guys, thanks to you for being here. And we'll see you next week for our first episode back of the year. Ben Schwartz is doing it and some other people. That's all I can say about it.

And until then, six emperors. I have no catchphrase. Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot and days of old like Zion?

Auld Lang Syne, my dear. Auld Lang Syne. We'll take a cup of confidence for Auld Lang Syne. Woo! Boom. Yeah.

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