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*Comedy Bang Bang theme plays* Slap my ass and call me Sally, my favorite maps are Rand McNally. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang! Mmm, thank you to Tim!

For that catchphrase submission. Tim! On the new cbbworld.com slash plugs catchphrase submissions, we say, how would you like to be referred to? And it's just Tim. Thank you, Tim. Really appreciate that catchphrase submission and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. We have a great show for you today. Coming up a little later, we have a dancer. We also have a concerned citizen.

And my name is Scott Aukerman, and welcome to the show. Before we get to them, I have someone I'm going to bring on first, and it says here he is a co-host. That's interesting. This show has never had a co-host before, but maybe he's a co-host for another show, like Matt Gourley is to that Conan O'Brien show, or Andy Richter was to that Conan O'Brien show. Let's bring him on.

Please welcome Ted Noogie. Hey, Scott. Thank you. Hey, it's so great to meet you. It's so great to meet you too. Ted Noogie. Yeah, Ted Noogie. How do you spell your last name? N-E-W-G-U-I. And you're right. I am a co-host. You're a co-host. I am not obviously the co-host of your show. Oh, you're not. Okay, good. I was worried there was some sort of shakeup from corporate going on. I am the co-host. You're not going to even just...

You're not going to acknowledge anything I say? You're just going to barrel ahead?

What did you say? This is what I'm talking about. I'm so sorry. You're in your head right now. I'm a little nervous because I'm used to being on my podcast that I co-host. What is your podcast, do you mind if I ask? It's called Murder Was Wrote, and it is a false crime podcast. False crime? Yes. Meaning, I guess I've never heard of, I've heard of pre-crime, obviously. Yeah.

uh from minority report i don't know if you've ever seen that movie i've it's on my list but i haven't seen it colin farrell from banshees of india sheeran is in that movie call in farrell call it yeah it's not like a call-in show

I don't know if your podcast is a call-in show. He's a call-in feral. We do have calls, yes. So it's call-in, but be feral? If you're going to call in, call in feral. No, this is a gentleman. This is a... And he truly is a gentleman. I don't know.

I've never seen him not in a tux. Now, I've only seen him on the Oscars. Oh, you've never seen him in a movie that he's been acting in? No, I have not. I know him as a celebrity who was on the Oscars once. He does not play James Bond, although I cannot say what people do in their personal lives. Oh, that's a good point. Have you ever played James Bond? Well, I'd rather not say. On a microphone? Painted your girlfriend gold? We don't get into...

Oh, no. That's a very sad story. Oh, what is a sad story? Well, you know, that young lady. Oh, yes. Her skin suffocated to death. Yes, she's dead now. You're supposed to leave a patch of skin. That's right, yes. And a lot of people don't know when they're watching that movie Goldfinger.

Is that what it was called? Yes. I almost said Goldmember. Goldfinger. When they're watching Goldfinger, it's a snuff film because that woman died right on camera. It's technically a snuff film, yes. And it did win an award. The snuffies, nobody showed up to collect, obviously. Does Snuffleupagus, does he host that every year? They have. They've made their own Snuffleupagus-like creature. Oh, like creature. So they don't get sued. What kind of creature is it? I don't know. If I were tasked with making a Snuffleupagus-like creature, I don't know that I could do it because-

He's akin to an elephant, is he not? Well, I think to a woolly mammoth. True, but no tusks. None taken. Okay. Thank you very much. Who's to say, though, that Snuffleupagus did have tusks at one point, but when he moved to the city, he lost them in a fight. Or maybe they cut them off and sold them for the ivory. Maybe ivory poachers came and he was taking a nap.

And, you know, it's really a shame because they probably did a special episode of Sesame Street and they didn't talk about it. You say Sesame Street? I guess I do. I didn't realize that. Well, most people say Sesame Street. And in fact, that's what I thought I was saying. In the theme song, they say it. Come and play. Let's start from the beginning. Come and play. Wasting the day away. Wasting the day away? That's by the way.

If you're already wasting the day away, you're having fun. Why do you need to go down to Sesame Street? Well, because if you're wasting the day away, maybe you're not being... Like, play is constructive. It is constructive, but I would think that it would be a better theme song if it was like, you've had a hard day, or come and play. You've had a hard day. You'll have to go down to Sesame Street. Take me to Sesame Street.

Oh, Gozer. Gozer. Who are you saying? Paul Gosar? Who are you thinking of? Oh, I'm thinking of the Ghostbusters guy. You're thinking of Hosier. Hosier. Yes. Hosier. Wait, you think a Ghostbusters guy was Gozer? Oh, that's right. Gozer the Keymaster. The Keymaster. That's right. Do you like that movie? I love it. What do you like about it? Well, I love horror movies. And I remember seeing that movie and just be, you know, people, I like to go to the movies to be, to feel. And-

And also to see things and to hear things. Well, that's where you're... Do you only go to the 4D movies where they spray perfume on you? I wear a night mask and I put on headphones like the kind you use at the airport. Oh, I see. To guide planes. So I just feel things. Are you guiding planes while you're watching movies or... Yeah, sometimes in my mind if the movie's boring. Have they ever gone where you've tried to guide them to? No.

Well, in my mind, yeah, sure. Okay. 100% success rate. Will you ever look at the paper the next day and go, oh, this plane ended up there, you know, in the where the planes ended up section. Why won't they print that? Why won't they print that? You know, they have a bridge game in there. Horoscopes. Horoscopes? Come on. Why don't they tell us where the planes ended up the next day? Come on. Horoscopes are not for reading.

Yeah. And the planes are real as far as we know. As far as I know. That's right. But you know what? They could be talking about, since they won't print in the newspaper, they could be talking about these planes doing who knows what. And we wouldn't know. We're not keeping track of every plane. We have no idea. And I want a printed record of these. When Southwest had all those problems, I was like, is that true? Did that really happen? We don't know. Yeah. Because I didn't know anyone personally affected by it. No. So I thought, I bet it didn't happen. No.

It's all secondhand information. Exactly. You know, I don't think anyone has ever met. It's all secondhand news. It's all secondhand news. Come and play. You had a hard day. Don't you weigh about 130 pounds.

Oh, we had different lyrics. Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought the person that I was a smaller child, I think, did you? Right? No, I was 135 pounds when I was five years old. I was 135 pounds. Yeah, that's too big. Yeah, I was a big boy. And now how much are you running? I shopped in the Husky section. Yeah. How much are you running now? 136. So you gained one pound from five years old to now. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

I really, I just stretched out. I just stretched out. I'm six to 135 pounds. Yeah. That's too stretched. I think.

You think so? I mean, you are a real thing. You look like Slenderman. Well, I get that a lot. Do you really? And maybe I shouldn't wear the stocking over my face. You also look like the Babadook because you have a top hat as well. Babadook. Babadook. Babadook. Babadook. You're a mook. Oh, you think he's a mook? Can we say that these days? Oh, Babadook. The Babadook is a mook.

So wait, where were we in the song? Come and play. I weigh 135 pounds. Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street? Yeah. See, I think they're saying Sesame.

I think I'm saying it too, but I guess I'm not. No, you're not. You know, a lot of people don't realize that the vowel choices that they have when they are dependent upon the region that they grew up in. Where did you grow up? How come the vowels don't thank you when they know you have a lot of choices? We know you have a lot of choices when it comes to vowels. Thank you for going with ah. Thank you for going with schwa. Oh, schwa. Schwa. Where are you from?

I'm from here in Los Angeles. Here in Los Angeles. Yes. I'm an Angeleno. So you have a podcast that is a... I co-host a podcast. You co-host a podcast. Now, what is the difference between hosting a podcast with someone else and co-hosting? Well,

Well, I would say that hosting a podcast means you get to talk more and you get to just, you know, say whatever you want. And then you leave a space for the co-host to either agree or disagree, but they should agree. Right. So is that what you do? Like after every single sentence you say, I agree. Yes, exactly. Okay. And this is false crime.

Yes. You know, there's true crime. Yes. True crime. All these podcasts about because there are there are there are there are fictional crimes, which you see on CSI.

NCIS, you know, other shows with C in them. NCIS. So CSI is Crime Scene Investigation. So NCIS is New Crime Investigation Scene. That's strange, isn't it? New Crimes. They only investigate new crimes. That's strange. I mean, and then the flip side of that is cold cases where they're just in vitro. In vitro.

In vitro crimes. I bet it's cold in vitro. IVC. I wasn't born in vitro, but I bet it's freezing cold. Oh my God. To be in a tube. Have you ever been in a tube? I went water sliding once I was in one. Then I would, I would, I would. But it was, it was a hot day. You call it water sliding. I went water sliding. You're,

what would you call it i just i went to a water park there's not that much to do there i could have eaten and left people get the idea what if they had a great hot dog at that water park and you're like i just come for the hot dogs it cost me 50 plus the cost of the hot dog but they should give you free hot dogs at a water park should they not yes i think certainly any place where you're wearing the least amount of clothing they should give you the most amount of food for free

Because you're more likely to turn it down. Like if there was a water park that said, come eat whatever you want while you're here. Yes. No problem. But you're wearing, you're not wearing your shirt. So you're more likely to say like, oh no, I'm good. Don't worry about it. I can't think of anything that would go better with a water park than a buffet. Yeah.

I'm not saying it's a buffet. I am. Oh, you are? Yes. Like you're thinking of trays with sterno? I'm thinking of hot trays with sterno. Chicken fingers? I'm thinking of smart cater waiters behind everything. Passing hors d'oeuvres? No, they don't do anything except point. You point at the food and say, what is this? And then they say what it is. They say what it is, yes. Oh, these are mashed potatoes. They say with their hands behind their backs, but they're wearing the tuxedo shirts and the tuxedo ties. Why are the hands behind the back? And the tuxedo pants and the tuxedo shoes. What about the tuxedo socks? It's a tuxedo.

No, they can wear whatever socks they want. This is a good time to do an ad for Bombas.

Bombas. Isn't that a sock? I hope so. I really hope so. It's got the word bomb in it. I know. It's weird, isn't it? Because bombs traditionally over the years from the Oklahoma City bombing to the rest, they've been not good for the country. And yet this is a sock company and they're not a sponsor. So I feel like, but they should be right. Hey, Bombas, come talk to us because we'll talk about how you have the word bomb in your name. I guess it's okay for socks because bombs don't really affect the feet.

Although there were a lot of, a lot of our brave armed service people have gotten their feet blown off and they can't wear the Bombas. I don't think it's that their feet were blown off. I think it's that their bodies were blown off of their feet. Oh, so the feet stayed where they're at. The feet stayed where they're at. Okay.

So this is false crime, though. Yes. And what is that? Yes. False crime is basically we tell a story like it's a true crime, but it didn't happen. Okay. And do you make it up as you go along? Or this is pre-written? My host makes it up as we go along. Oh, okay. So this is like the dollop where they're making up stuff about history and pretending it's real? Oh, I thought they were just reading Wikipedia. Two different shows, maybe. Right.

So you're not reading Wikipedia about a crime that happens. This is just. No. And this is just fake crimes. And why would anyone. False crimes. False crimes. Why would anyone, pardon my French, listen to this shit? Well, they don't by and large. They don't. We have very few listeners. I'm one. Oh, good. And of course. Are you just listening for the editing points though? Yeah, I have to edit the thing. But there's not a lot to edit. There's not a lot of fat on it.

Yeah, we really discuss these crimes in depth and our feelings about them. Have you had that brain surgery that a lot of podcasters are having where they ask the doctor to poke the part in their brain where they say, um?

and and so you never say um again is that a real surgery yeah surgery i've never had a surgery in my life you say sugar ray that band with mark mcgrady every morning when i wake up and i see the bed that my girlfriend is not dead now she's dead i thought it was every morning when i wake up and i see the bed i check to see if my girlfriend's dead oh because if she was dead

Fictionally, we could put it on the false crimes podcast. Yeah, murder was... Murder was wrote. Murder was wrote. I think that's what I said.

You really should check if you're here to do an ad. Of course, I'm not allowed to say the title. You're not, really? On the show, yes. That's the host bailiwick. That's the bailiwick of the host, the purview, the privilege of the host. I see. So who's your host? Who is this gentleman who- Fred Oldgee. Fred Oldgee. And?

And has he been doing this show for a long time and you just got on or? He did one episode without me and then realized I need someone to bounce stuff off of. And so he brought me in. Interesting. Yeah.

That's very, very interesting. I really want to hear this show. But you say no one is listening. Would you like to hear a clip? Yeah, I'd love to. I brought a clip if you'd like to play it. Okay, great. All right, here is me and my host, Fred Oldkey, and Murder Was Wrote. Okay, here we go. This is a clip from Murder Was Wrote. Here we're discussing a crime from 1979 that did not happen.

Wow. This is crazy. And so everyone was screaming when they saw it. Oh, they were yelling and screaming blood everywhere? Everywhere, even in the sink. Even in the sink, in the bathtub? If you open the fridge, was there blood in there? There was blood in the fridge, and there's a pot of soup in the fridge. There's blood in there. Oh, no. It got through the pot lid? Through the pot lid in the white bean kale soup, yeah.

Blood everywhere. It was more like blood soup. This must have been in all the newspapers. It was in every newspaper. New York Times, People Magazine, the Neighborhood Patch. The Neighborhood Patch? Yes, you know, the prestigious Neighborhood Patch. Yes, we've talked about it before. I know. How is your wife doing? Good.

She's finally conscious. Oh, your old lady is conscious. Yes. Oh, that's going to be trouble for you. Well, she's going to be very mad when she finds out what happened. I know.

I know, because she's the only one who has the code to the home surveillance. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess I understood her reasons at the time for not sharing it with me. Right. But I wish that she had, because it would have saved a lot of bother. Right. But when she wakes up, are you going to kiss her and hug her? I probably will give her a warm embrace, and I'll probably smooch her here and there. Okay. Here and there. Okay. And maybe some butterfly kisses. Butterfly kisses. Yes.

That's where you grab a butterfly. If you go to the zoo, sometimes they have a butterfly enclosure where you can walk around and there's butterflies in there. Okay. Just grab one. Oh. And then you do like the butterfly's head on the cheek. And by that point, is the butterfly dead or it's okay? All right. There is blood everywhere. Interesting. Wow. What an interesting clip. Where's your co-host Fred Oldney from? I don't know.

You know, he won't tell me. Yeah, I think that's probably wise. Yeah. I've asked him several times. I think that's a good idea. And he says, here's what he does. He says, that's none of your concern. Yeah. And I have to agree. It is. It probably is not. It's not my concern. Yeah, what? I mean, people are from everywhere. So why should it be? Yes.

What an interesting show. It seems like he was just kind of agreeing with you more. That was a very special episode where we did an opposite day episode where I got to talk more. Why use that as the clip then? Well, I'm a, you know, I guess I'm a little. Let's hear one more clip from a different episode. All right. Wow. There is blood everywhere. Yeah.

Oh my God. That's wild. Somebody had to have died. Somebody had to have died, right? It seems that way for sure. All this blood. Does it seem that way or is it for sure?

Well, you tell me. Now we're in conflict. Oh, no. I don't want to have conflict with you, Fred. Well, we have a big problem because you say it seems that way for sure. Does it seem that way or is it for sure? I'm holding you to account. It for sure seems that way. Okay, that's different. All right. Man, this is a lot of blood. You think it's one body or two bodies? Who could say? I mean a doctor. Oh, sure. Maybe we should get a doctor. Sure.

You should. Hi. Oh, okay. Hi there. Yes. Hi. I heard someone, I was rushing through the podcast studio and I heard maybe we should get a doctor and I'm a doctor. Is there an emergency in here? Did you bring that microphone? I did, yes. I'm a podcast doctor, so I have my own microphone. Why do you have the stethoscope taped to your chest? It's not that way. Because it's hooked up to the microphone. I want to make sure that all of our listeners can hear my heart beating like that.

Is there an emergency in here? Well, kind of. Is it an emergency if somebody already died? You can't really do anything about it? It for sure seems that way. Your language is so confusing to me. Wait, are you a co-host? I'm just a co-host. Oh, that's why you're nuts. That's right. Oh, I see. We're actually having a bit of conflict.

Well, I'm also a therapist. When I said I was a doctor, I meant I was a therapist. Okay. Well, you said you were a doctor. You meant you were also a therapist. So you're a psychiatrist. I'm a psychiatrist, yes. But not a psychologist. So just pills? Here's a psychologist. Do you guys need a subscription? I'll take a subscription to pills. I would like to. Subscription.

No, I mean to People Magazine. Okay. That's like a pill in a way. That is like a pill. In a way, yes. It makes me calm. I made my vision board. I'm selling People Magazine. It makes you what? Make me calm. Oh, calm. Yeah, what do you think I say? What do you think? Nothing. No, see, now we're having conflict. Are you going to buy a People Magazine subscription or not? Yes. Subscription or prescription?

I have subscriptions to People Magazine, though. Okay, and do you have prescriptions to anything? I have no prescriptions. I'm sorry. I'm not licensed. We have no... Okay. Aw.

But does anyone need these? I hate to see you stop. Wait, you are a psychiatrist, but you're not licensed? No, I'm not licensed. No, I'm so sorry. You took an Uber here. I took an Uber here. Did you know that the first celebrity on People Magazine was Mia Farrow? Yes. She's on the first cover. You do know that? Well, I have it framed in my office. Oh, you do? Why? Why? It's the first cover of People Magazine. You told me that was your wife.

We have no trust between us. Okay. Are you married to be a pharaoh? No, I wish. Don't let my wife hear that. Cut this part out. Okay, your wife...

I'm not editing your podcast. I'm not talking to you. No, hey, we do have a psychological question. Oh, okay. We do. Hit me. Okay, baby, one more time or just this way? I like your style. You like my style? I just got this from TJ Maxx. Yeah, I really enjoy it. That's what I'm saying. Thank you. The tags are still on, by the way. It's like a turtleneck but not

why they call it a mock neck. Fred is quite the clothes horse. Are you returning that after the day is over? Because the tags are still hanging from it. Yes, please. I am, but you don't have to. I don't need to do this. Well, I want you to run the errand. You have an Uber. I have the Uber. You're right. Is the Uber waiting for you? Yes.

Okay. Okay. Here's a question. Wait, I'm sorry. Yes. So you took the Uber here. You said, wait, keep it running. Keep it running. Because I came in here. I'm going to walk around and see if anyone needs this. Oh, so you were actually seeking out. Yes. People like us. Yes, exactly. Yeah. What kind of people when you say people like us? Yeah. What do you mean by that? I don't know about you, but I mean, white people for you. That's interesting. What do you mean? I'm white.

Okay. White as the driven snow. White as the driven snow. Okay. Here's the psychological question. Yes. Bit of a psychological thriller. Okay. All right. I'm hooked already. It's like Michael Jackson on pills. In what way? I don't know. Psychological. Pills. Pills. Okay. It's a lot of blood in here.

How many people do you think died? There's a lot of blood in here. Do you think it's A, one, B, two? No.

What is the blood type? That's from Geoprity. What is the blood type? Can I have hints? What is the blood type, Fred? The blood type is O positive. O positive. And that's not a choice? Is he allowed to ask all of these questions? You can do that on Jeopardy. Just ask follow-up questions? Yeah, no one does. No one does it, but you can do it. You can do it. Oh, okay. All right, well then. Yeah. Ken Jennings is cool that way. He's a cool guy. I'm going to say A, one person.

Well, what do you think, Fred? Well, we were trying to think. We for sure think it was at least one. At least one. That's what I mean. As a psychologist, you're saying, as a psychiatrist who is not allowed to prescribe pills, you are saying it was one person left all that blood. One person left all that blood.

Okay. I like your voice, how it changed when you get certain. Why doesn't it have all that blood? It's chilling to me. It's chilling, but it could be a good song for like Coachella. Our songs just played at Coachella now. Some songs are Coachella exclusives. Yes. Oh, interesting clip. You can go to a tent. There's one tent where all the bands will go to play a song that's exclusive to Coachella. Wait, the clip is still going. No, no, no. I'm explaining to you what that was. Wait, but...

While we were playing that clip, suddenly Fred walked in. I'm going home. I know you didn't want me here. This was your thing. We don't have to share everything. I get it. I'm out. Hi, this is Fred Oldgee. And that's the clip. Now you notice we took some of your voice and put it in there. How did you get my voice? We just, we recorded. Wait, you're the guy who called the other day and asked me all those questions? Yes. I wasn't doing a survey. I remembered. It was a bit of subterfuge. I remembered answering them that way. Yeah.

What an incredible podcast. Thank you. This seems like. And where can people get it? Right now, it's just on the computer. Oh, you haven't uploaded it to the internet yet or isn't the computer the internet? The computer is attached to the internet a lot of times, wirelessly sometimes even.

Okay. When I open the computer, I'm opening the internet. Is that correct? I mean, a lot of times when you open your computer, it will then attach to Wi-Fi, which is the internet. Yes. It's the pathway to porn, as we call it. Pornography? Wi-Fi.

But, you know, but okay. So it is on the internet. It is, yes. Yeah, that's what I meant by on the computer because I think of the computer as the internet. No, you need to go to a site that broadcasts it to the internet and then people will be able to pick it up.

Your eyes are darting back and forth like you're in a cartoon right now. I don't know. I've uploaded it. Also, your eyes have just turned into dollar signs. Yes. Thinking about once people get to hear this, I'm going to be in the money. And then now three jackpots came up. That's right. Oh, wow. I'm sorry. I'm wearing a mask.

You're wearing a mask? Let me take this off. This is what I really look like. Oh, oh. I was wearing my one-armed bandit mask, which looks like a human head, but it has- It looks like a human head, and now you've taken off the mask, and it looks like that Mike Myers Halloween mask, strangely. Yes, I- That's your real face? I was in an accident. Oh, what type?

And I went through the windshield of my car and the other car. Two windshields? Two windshields, no waiting. And when they saw my face, I remember the paramedics said when they saw my face, they went gross. Gross.

Did they say anything like to the effect of butterface or true uggo? No, I mean, I think gross kind of summed it up. Do you think they were talking about because of the accident or just? No, one of the paramedics told me later specifically it was that my face looked gross because it went through two windshields. I see. Okay. They weren't just judging you like aesthetically. Well, they were judging me aesthetically. But I mean. Not pre-accident. Right. Pre-accident I was very handsome. Would you like to see a picture? Yeah, I'd love to. Take a look.

Oh my God. Yeah. This is like something out of a catalog. That's right. I mean- Well, it is. I was a catalog model. You were a catalog model? Yes. For what catalog? For all of them. Every single catalog? Sears, JCPenney, Tiffany and Company. Wow. Okay. Well, that's a leap right there. Orvis. Orvis. What about Ikea? Yes. They have a thick one, don't they? Oh, they got a thick one all right. Man. No.

All right. Ikea? Yes. Ikea. We need to take a break because I'm getting a little hot under the collar here. Why? Are you angry? No, no. Getting a little steamy in here talking about Ikea's thick skin. Is hot under the collar just about anger or is it about sex? I think it can be about both. You can be angry during sex as well, can't you? I thought hot under the collar meant angry. Well, you can be angry during sex and ask my wife.

By the way, what's going on with your wife? She's conscious now? She's finally conscious and she is angry with someone and that someone's me. Oh no. Okay. I'm so sorry. She should have given me the door code. So you're a two accident couple. Yes, we are. Yes, we are. One for you. One for her. It's the Scorsese style. That's exactly right. Wow.

All right. Well, we need to take a break. Ted Noogie is here. It's fascinating to talk to you. It's fascinating to be talked to by you. We also have a, we have a dancer coming up after the break. Or do you enjoy the arts? I love to watch a dancer. I love to watch an actor. I love to watch a Sanger. Sanger. Sanger. When they're up there singing those songs. I love a Sanger. Okay. Well, we have a dancer coming up and yeah,

This is exciting. We also have a concerned citizen coming up a little later. This is a great show, and I'm glad you're here with me. Do you have any poats? Poats? Posts? Poats. Poats. Poets? Poems. Poem? Poem? Oh, poats. Poats. We have no poats on the show today. I'm so sorry. Boo. But you are a co-host. You're a professional. I would love for you to be my co-host here today. Oh, my gosh. Well, this is... I accept. Okay, great. A deal is struck. When we come back, we're going to have a dancer. Let's shake on it. Pfft.

Why did you spit in my face right then? Isn't that the way it's done? No, it should be. I mean, first, it's gross already to do it in your hand. I thought it was gross. Yeah. When we have a co-host here, we cut our hands and do a blood brothers shake. That seems unsanitary. Here we go. I'm not doing that. Oh, God. This is a terrible paper cut. You should not have done that. Oh, my God. I'm losing a lot of blood right now. From a paper cut. From a paper cut. Well, I did it with an entire book. We'll be right back. We'll be right back.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. This is Scott Aukerman, of course, and I have a new co-host on the show. Ted Noogie is here. Hi, everyone. Great to be here. I'm the co-host and Scott is the host. That's right. You have your style already down. I love it. Will you be here every episode, do you think, from now on? I probably will be. Okay, great. Wouldn't mind it. 14 years in. Well, I mean, almost 14. 14? Really? Yeah, that's how long we've been doing it. I'm Fred Oldgate.

We've only been doing ours for 11 years. You've been doing it 11 years and haven't uploaded a single episode? No, I never said that. You said that. Has anyone ever heard them? No. You've not. Yeah, you need to upload these. I'll teach you how after the show. Okay, well, you were the one that said, why would anyone listen to this shit? That's a good point. So you made me think that no one heard, no one listened because they didn't want to listen. That's a great point. Let's go to another clip. Okay. Okay.

Right, Fred. And the year is 1982. It is. It's 1982. We are about eight years from 1990. That's a fact. And what exactly happened here? Well, somebody or somebodies died. And it's not a good thing. Oh, yeah.

Somebody's going to go to jail. I hope so. I hope so, too. But you think it was a murder. I think it was a murder. It was a really hard fist fight. I got to pause it right here. Did your co-host mean a difficult fist fight or the fists were hard? I took Fred to mean that the fist fight was so they were fighting so hard that they murdered each other. They murdered each other. So a simultaneous fist fight. That's how I took it to be. Okay, let's hear it. It was a simultaneous fist fight. Let's hear it.

The feast fight was so hard that they murdered each other. I'm going to pause right here. Your co-host answered my question. I shouldn't have paused. That's okay. I didn't want to give anything away, so that's why I said I took it to mean that. But I wanted you to be surprised. Next time I'll be a little less heavy on the pause button and let the clip play out. So we will listen to some more clips. We will. Okay, great. Oh, is that one done? Yeah, that one's done. Oh, okay. Weird clip to show. Okay, all right, great. Well...

Well, and these are, by the way, that was all fake. That's all the blood and everything. Yeah, none of these crimes happened. None of these crimes happened. And you can see we get really into it. Fred's

Fred seems very confused about what's going on the entire time. Well, that's his prerogative. He's the host. Yeah, that's the way he wants to live. All right, let's bring in our next guest. Coming up a little later, we have a concerned citizen. But before we get to them, let's get to our next guest. She's a dancer. Please welcome Stormy Kirkland. Hi. Hi.

Mr. Alcaman. Could you have done that before we started recording? I tried. I tried. I tried. You tried? I tried. How did you try? Because you clearly did it right when I introduced you. Did you do a little beforehand? I tried to do it quietly.

Quietly, I tried to do it. That was not quiet. That's you trying to do it quiet. Well, that's me trying to do it for real. That's what that was. For real. Well, because before I tried to do it quietly. Have you ever tried to clear your throat quietly? Let's see if we can do it. Try it. Here, Ted, I want you to try it. With actual clearing of the phlegm, let's try to do it as quiet as possible. All right. Let me get some phlegm in there first. Let me get some phlegm in there. Do you mind? I've got some extra. Can I get some of yours, Stormy? Yeah, I've got some here. And a little clip for you.

I'm sad. Okay. Here we go. Ready? Too good for my phlegm. As quiet as you can, but actually clear it. It sounds like you're choking on... Okay, that sounds not... Yeah, all right. Now I go. I thought we were doing it simultaneously. You were waiting for... Then we can't tell which is the quietest. Okay, yeah, go ahead. Oh, no.

It's sucking it in. Ted, have you died right now? You sound like that's a death rattle. No, I get that a lot. Really? Yes, my wife. My wife. Borat. My wife, my wife, my wife. Your wife is Borat? I'm married to Borat. It's so confusing. Is Borat a woman?

Why does Borat have to be a woman to be married to me? But you said your wife, and I think normally when people hear wife, they think of a woman. Wife is too gendered. Husband and wife are very binary. I agree. We need to get rid of these words. It should be wife and full woman. We need to cancel wife and husband. Okay. And then what do you call your partner if you're just your partner? You said it? Or we call them... It's too confusing. I can't put people in a box if everyone's calling me. Are you going to try to clear your throat here? Yes.

Was that it? Yeah. That's the golem. That's how, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know anything about that. But,

You don't know anything about Gollum? I don't. What is there to know? What is that? He lives in a cave? He wants a ring? I thought it was a city in Ireland. I don't know. I don't know. Okay. Are you here to talk to me about who I am, what I do, what my deal is, or what? I do want to know what your deal is, and I want to know how long you've been doing it. Okay. Very rude. You haven't given me a fair shot. Okay. Okay.

Talk to me. You're a dancer. I do know that. I am a ballet dancer. Your name is Stormy. I'm a ballet dancer. You're a ballet dancer. Ballet. Ballet dancer. Ballet dancer. What is that? Someone who dances in the ballet. In the valley? Do you mean, is that just your accent? In the valley, yes. The San Fernando Valley? But also the ballet. The ballet at Ferry. Where Encino Man is set? Encino Man, yes. I've seen that film. Have you really? I just saw it recently. I have not seen it.

seen it but i'm john lennon is i do have no john lennon i do i do not know john lennon you know who he is or you know i do know yeah sure what song what song has he ever written hip hop a hippie to the heart you don't know he was ever written he was in the beatles he was in the beatles so you do okay well you know of him then i well yeah i know how they're married i

I'm sorry. I didn't hear exactly what you are. Sorry. Sure. I receive it. So now what do you mean by a valet dancer? I dance in the valet in the valet. So the, the, the,

when you say the valet, do you mean the person who takes your car when you go to a restaurant that doesn't have any parking? Well, that's a valet person. The valet is just the area. So you dance in the valet area. People are waiting for their cars. I see. And then she's doing her dancing. It's a little like busking, perhaps? What's busking? Performing on the street for money. It's when you pretend to be a king at the bus stop. Oh, I don't get paid. No, I don't do this for money. You don't do it for money. A king of the bus stop. I'm sorry. The

King of the bus stop. Yes. No, no, no buses. These people have cars, not trash. Well, bus king is something that I used to do when I was younger. Bus king. I would wear a crown. Okay, on the bus. They never let me on the bus, but I would be at the bus station. How old were you? Why would they never let you on the bus? Not even one time? I think they thought I had problems. Oh, so someone shows up

Wearing a crown. Did you have a scepter and a cape? Oh, of course I did. I was a king. But I knew I wasn't a king. It's not like I was delusional. Sure, sure, sure, sure. But I would stand there in the bus station and when they would say, you know, the bus is ready, they'd make the announcement and everything. The bus is ready! You have got a body. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special announcement. The bus is ready! Oh, I'm sorry. I was going to comment on your body. And then I would raise my scepter high and I would say...

Good people, I welcome you to the bus. And then the bus driver would say, not today. Not today, say. Well, I would let them.

Yeah, I was also, I was a devil. I was a devil with a crown. A crown with horns? Devil horns? Yes. Not a crown of thorns. A crown of horns. A crown of horns. And that's probably why they wouldn't let me on the bus. I would let everybody else get on first. Then I would say, and I will join you. And then the bus driver would say, uh-uh. I wonder if he or she or they was more worried about the crown stuff or the devil stuff.

Oh, I would imagine. Every bus driver is a Christian. Every bus driver. Every bus driver is a Christian. Is that true? Yes. Yes. Really? They all have Bibles. Statistically? Yes. Really? Statistically. Statistically, they're all Christians. They're all Christians. I had that fascinating statistic. I know a lot of people. I mean, I know a lot of drivers. You do? Right. Sure. Because I'm a valet dancer. Yeah. So I do. What about many? Do people have valet park buses? Do people? Sometimes. Yes. Yes. They do valet park buses. So not all.

all valet people are able to... So like someone who's taking a party bus to a restaurant... In the valet, yeah. Normally, anytime that's happened to me in Vegas or whatever... Sure. They say...

The driver goes, okay, everyone get off. I'm going to drive around and let me know when to come back. But if you're good people, you let the driver show in your party. You're riding the bus. You're looking at me with disbelief in your eyes. So you can read facial expressions. I can. I didn't say. Interesting. I didn't say. Interesting. Do another one. Do another one. Give me another facial expression. And that one is disgusted. Okay.

Disgusting or disgusted? Your face is disgusting. Sorry. Like you were trying to do a Robert De Niro impression. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Okay. Oh, no. It's like Robert De Niro's lost his teeth. Can you milk me? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. His most famous quote. I hope that takes over you talking to me at some point. Anytime anyone does a De Niro, that's what they say from now on. Can you milk me? Yuck.

Is this your audition for a film right now? I would love that, but I'm offer only. Offer only? Does anyone ever valet a school bus? Like if the mathletes did a great job and we're going for a fancy dinner. Absolutely. Do you think Pizza Hut is valet? It should be. Pizza Hut does have valet in the valet. Oh, do they? Everything has. Everything has.

Everything has valet in the valet. Pizza Hut valet in the valet. You know that tune. I love it. John Lennon. I love it. He wrote it. It was one of the songs he ever wrote. Juan Lennon. So now you don't do this for money. Why do you do it? I do it for pure joy. Pure joy. Yes. Ecstasy. Ecstasy, weed, marijuana. Wait, so people give you drugs to do this? Yeah. I do it for drugs. But do I look like an addict? Well, I mean, you do have a crack pack right next to you. Hanging out the side of my mouth.

Like Popeye. Like Popeye. Just an ever-present crack pipe. Come on. I'm not. And you have a big anchor on your huge forearms. Here's what I like. It's a corncob crack pipe. Yes. I think it's charming. Yeah, right. Come on. Like corn kid. You know, the kid that loved corn. Corn. Corn. The kid that loved corn. Oh, that was a recent thing? I'm like that, but crack. Interesting. That's a fun, whimsical way to put it. Crack. Crack. You know, crack. Crack.

Wait, are you from the valley? Because you have an accent that seems like you're from across the pond. I'm from the valley across the pond. I'm from the valley across the pond, yeah. Sherwood Valley? I'm from Shore Ditch. Shore Ditch. Think about the name. Shore Ditch. Shore Ditch. A ditch is surely a valley. Oh, okay. Yes, I am. Anyway, someone else is clearing their throat pretty loud. I'm just going to say it. Let me try again. Try to do it.

Didn't work. I would. Okay. Just do it as loud as you want from now on because that's even worse. I don't like either. Okay. Never mind. Honestly, I'm here because you guys look amazing. Thank you. Thank you. I know we're done talking about bodies, but I just started. Yeah. Tell us why. Your bodies are amazing. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. I want your bodies. Thank you.

What do you mean when you say that? I want your bodies in every single way. Wow. I want it day and night. Like you want to have sex with us or you want to possess our bodies? I'm happy to do whatever you're willing to let me do with your bodies. Here's the thing. You have perfect bodies for dancers.

Oh, yeah. I've never been told that before. Thank you. You should be our body. I should be a body? Like a dead body? Sorry, the crack has got me. Have you ever done cracking before? Next time I've got to make sure to ask our guests to refrain from using crack right before the show. Well, no, I didn't start before the show. I started when I got here. That's why I need to clear my throat. I'm trying to clear my throat. I see. Okay, so...

So you guys have perfect bodies for dancing. Thank you so much. I've always said that I have a perfect body. No one's ever believed me. You have a perfect body. You've got legs. You've got chest. You've got arms and neck. Perfect. It's all a dancer needs. Wow. You should join me in the ballet. What about a face that's really smooth? Like almost featureless? Take off your mask. You put it on during the break. Take it off. Take off your... That's not my favorite. Okay.

What's your favorite face? My favorite face has got craters in it because it says you've lived a life. So like Robert Davi? Sure. Perfect crater reference. Crater reference. Bill Murray? Bill Murray, sure. Yes. Wonderful face. I'm trying to think of any other crater faces out there. Any famous crater faces. You are the most famous crater faces. I mean, Davi is number one with boys. Is this kind? We can't go too far with this. Davi knows he has a crater face. What?

He gets work because of it. Okay, fair enough. I am a local celebrity, so I have to keep things cool and kosher. Okay. So how did you get interested in dance? Oh, okay. So I was a ballet dancer as a kid. You were a ballet dancer? I was a ballet dancer as a child. Wow. And then I got into crack. Professionally? Oh, oh, oh, oh, you got into crack. I got into crack.

And that ruined your career? You know how some athletes tear their ACL? It ruins their... Or some athletes get into crack. And it ruins their career. And it ruins their career. Pete Rose gambled. Yes, exactly. What? I said exactly, and then I was like, I didn't really hear it. Pete Rose gambled. He gambled on crack. Do you know who Pete Rose is? Pete Rose. He sounds like, what a wonderful name. Rose. Pete Rose. Is that the former USC football coach? Would you just throw at us? Crack.

Thank you. I'm just kidding. That's not, that's baking powder. That's baking powder. Why do you have baking powder? Because people are constantly calling me for crack and I'm like, I'm not going to just give them baking powder. You're like the Lucky Trump. I didn't come here to talk about drugs. I'm so sorry. Okay, let's talk about dance. I came to talk about dance. Do you know any, have you ever interviewed a dancer? Uh,

God, I don't even know. Wow. Yeah, this is a first. Have I ever interviewed a dancer? I would love some fantastic questions about dancing. Okay. How do you dance? Well, I do different... Not just you, but anyone. Oh, how does one dance? Yeah. So how does one dance? First, you... One dance. One dance. Okay, I like that. I do. I get it. And it's like, you know, I like them. I've heard it. You like the Fugees? Wyclef. Yes. They danced a little bit. Wyclef Jean Lennon.

Like Jean Lennon. Yeah. Right? Yeah, I think so. And Praz. And Praz. No, Prague. Prague. Prague. Prague, Czech Republic. Oh, Prague. Is that what? Oh, I was mispronouncing it. His name is Prague. Right. And then that girl from Sister Act. Yes. Yes. Whoopi Goldberg. Yes, Whoopi Goldberg from the Fugees. Okay. Okay.

What do you think about what Whoopi said recently? Which thing? You know the thing. It depends on which thing. You know the thing. You're not going to get me canceled. My career is just taking off in the ballet. Okay. So how one dances is you feel everything in your body. You feel it? Check. Yes. Do you feel all of your things? Yes. All right, great. Should we wiggle everything we have just to make sure we can do it? Wiggle your fingers and your toes. Wiggle your fingers and your toes. Contract your butthole and uncontract it. I can't. Your sphincter.

Yes. Or dancing. I consider the whole to be what is outside of the sphincter. Like the sphincter implies like all of it going in. The whole is just the sum of the parts. Yeah. The whole is the sum of the parts. The whole is the absence of something. The whole is the short, well, the

Well, then why do they call it donut holes? That's a good point. Because if it's the absence of something, so don't the donut itself be called a hole? So buttholes implies that there actually is something. Do you think there should be skin where a butthole is? I think so. Don't you think? Like to just close it? Do you think when we're born, they take like a melon baller and they scoop it?

Scoop out a hole? Yes, they take off the ice. I just look. And then they keep them at the hospital? I just had one of these things we're talking about recently. And yeah, that's what they do. You had it done to you? Yeah. It looks so good. I was like, look, can I get one? It's like a circumcision, but for- Can I get sloppy seconds on this? Okay, great. Okay. Okay, well, how one dances, you feel it in your body. Yeah. Everyone can dance. Whether you can dance well or not, it shows up for debate. Hmm.

That's like rapping. Everyone can rap. Everyone can rap. I want you to rap. I want you to rap. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, W, X, W, X, W, X, W, X, W, X, W, X, W, X, W, X. All right. Amazing. We're so fantastic. It's really not hard. People get so intimidated by the art of dancing.

I don't know that I've ever been intimidated by dancing. Like when I go see the ballet at the... Don't mention that. I'm so sorry, but at our local art center. So subject for me. I don't know that I see it and go... I usually see it and I say, wow, how impressive, how beautiful, how transformative. But I'm never like, ooh, I'm so intimidated. I got to get out of here. Oh, I disagree. I'm intimidated. A very... You disregard? When I see a dancer... Disregard? I think...

What if they, I'm afraid that they'll make eye contact with me. Okay. And that's it. You always have to be like shielding your eyes. Oh my gosh. At the valet. Well, I put the sleep mask on. We give sunglasses at the valet. You give away sunglasses? We give away sunglasses from the gas station. Are these like nice sunglasses? They're from Kanye glow in the dark tour. We're giving those out. That's a good time to get on board with him. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Do you like what he said recently? You're not going to cancel me. Okay. All right.

Kanye and Whoopi. Okay. Two peas in a pod. Let me ask you this. Ask me anything. A-M-A. I just dance in the valet. Ask me anything. As a dancer, I know that it takes a great toll on your body. Is that not true? Yes. Because here's the thing. When you're dancing, it would be great if when you're like, when you jump up, when you dance.

you just stayed there you just were able to stay in there but gravity but unfortunately gravity like pounds you down to the ground so hard gravity is constantly pounding me down to the ground gravity is a dancer's worst enemy would you not agree that and crack it's it's tied for first tied for first i would say crack or or gravity for me it's been gravity if you can get rid of both of them gives me wings frankly right a lot like red bull yes a little

Red Bull is the crack of drinks. Red Bull actually makes me so sleepy. Does it really? Why? Red Bull makes me so sleepy. Because you crash? Yeah, because I crash. I drink a Red Bull vodka, crash my car.

That's how I ended up at the valet. Oh, so you crashed your car into the valet and they said. I crashed my car into the valet, yes. And then he said, this car is mine. This car is mine. Stick around. We've got a great guest coming up. And I stayed and I never left. Are you clearing your throat? Yes, I had a little bit of phlegm. Phlegm.

Flem. Spell phlegm. F-L-E-M-M. You're already wrong. You think it's like damn with an M-N? Yeah. Phlegm. Phlegm. Oh, phlegm. Okay. Anyway. Yes. Anyway. Yeah, so I did crash my. So you're resetting. No. Anyway. Anyway.

Anyway, yes, and? Yeah, all right. Sure, but? Sure, but? Sure, but? I have some notes. Sure, but? I would amend it in this fashion. So I did, you know, I did get, I crashed my car into the valet. How do you live, dear? What do you eat? How do I live? Yes. What do you mean? I eat peanut butter.

peanut butter jelly sandwiches. PB&J? PB&J. The same as everyone. Same as any decent human and celery sticks for my greens. Three squares a day? Square sandwiches, that is. Well, I like to cut mine into stars. Isn't that wasteful? Because do you get rid of everything that... I do get rid of it. I

I do get rid of it and I put it down the garbage disposal. I go into the hotel where I work. I go into the hotel. I go to the kitchen where they're preparing everyone's room service. You just shove extra little PB&J niblets down there? I do because I didn't know with the garbage disposal there's a switch. So I put my hand down there. Oh no. I put my hand down there. But it doesn't really do it. It just sliced it up a bit but nothing too crazy. Let me ask you this. Ask me anything. I just yeah I just dance in the valley. When you go into the hotel kitchen where they're preparing all the food do they

like for breakfast, do they make all the toast in one batch? Yes, they do. And that's it for the day. They've got a giant toaster surface area of a basketball court. Wait, they have a giant toaster? Surface area of a basketball court. Every hotel. Every hotel. Wow. I'd love to see one of those someday. It's like a Hamilton

beach toaster wow that sounds amazing and they just throw every piece of bread they have in the kitchen every piece of bread they've got that's the sound of a toaster depending on how you like your toast if that's if you like it light I don't I like my toast oh do they have to do it several times so they go and then they take the light ones out and then they put them back in always good at a hotel I want the toast prepared this way yeah how do you like your toast

I like it dark, dark brown, like my coffee. Okay, you're free. I like it barely toasted at all. So you don't, but do you want, wait, I'm sorry. Do you like the bread underdone as well, like just kind of like yeasty? Yeah. You like to taste the yeast? I like it to be a glob of dough. Okay. Just barely toasted. So in the pandemic, when you were baking your bread, you were just like not,

It was easy. You would just... He liked it like it was hard. It was very easy. You just got a bunch of dough. Yeah. Just the way I like it. Okay. You're just eating it. Yeah, anyway. You're very easy to please. It wasn't a compliment. Tell that to my wife. Oh, yeah. Where is your wife? Can we call her? Maya? Yeah, can we call Maya? Does this mean you don't want to talk to me more? I don't know.

I want to talk to you more, but I want to talk to Maya as well. Maya from like the, from the, like, um, you know, the nineties, like the, the era of brand new. MYA? MYA Maya. From Lady Marmalade? Maybe Marmalade. Baby Marmalade? Who was in Baby Marmalade? It was Maya. Lady Marmalade got pregnant. I don't know if you heard. Maya. And had a baby Marmalade. Pink. No, P apostrophe. Pink. Pink. Not apostrophe. Tristina Aguilera. Tristina. P. Pink.

Missy Elliott. Missy Misdemeanor Elliott. She produced all of the vocals and then she rapped. Little Kim. Little Kim. Little Kim. Little Kim. Little Kim. Well, are we speaking to his wife? Yeah, let's call her. Oh, yes. Please call my wife. Her name is Maya. Phone is ringing. The phone is ringing.

Hello. Oh, uh... Hi, honey, it's... Oh, that's my... Oh. Hi, honey, it's Ted. I was gonna say, put my on. Ted, what's going on? I'm watching my stories. I'm on a podcast, but it's not my podcast. It's a different podcast. Hi, this is Scott Aukerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang. Hello, and my name is Tommy Keklin. I'm such a huge fan. Really? Of what? Uh, hmm...

Specifically. I love Shark Tale. Shark Tale only? Okay, I get that a lot. Mr. Show. Hey. Hey. Hey. I've always wondered, is your name spelled with one T? Okay, bye, honey. Okay, bye. No, I wanted to talk to you. Well, unfortunately, we're only allowed one phone call per episode. No, is this jail?

What is this? I'm so sorry. This is jail. This is podcast jail being on Comedy Bank. No, no. Sorry. Wait a second. We have two phone lines. So if I call a different line, does that make it a different phone call? Oh, no. Yeah. I meant one phone call to anyone in the United States. So we can call, you know, how many people are in the U.S.? Seven million? 100? 100. Maybe 120. It's got to be in the high hundreds, right? I...

I mean, it feels like it should be more, but I don't know. To be honest, a lot of people. There's one, two, three here. There's three of us here. How many could be left? 97 more people. All right. What's your other phone line, by the way? Is it a fax line? Yes, it is. But it also works as a phone. Let's call. Okay. Someone pick. Please pick up. Please pick up. Please pick up. Hello? Maya?

Let me get her. Sorry. Wait, who is that? Who's with you? Is this Ted again? Maya? Yes, your husband. Who was that with you? Oh, that was. Don't worry about that. I'm worried about it. What is this? Don't worry, darling. Yes. Don't worry, darling.

I'm going to spit on you. She answered your question. It is Don't Worry Darling. That was just the pool boy. Don't worry about the pool boy. We don't have a pool. It was the gardener. We do have a garden. Okay, bye. Bye.

No, but wait, we were just getting started. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were done. No, but we were just getting started. I'm so sorry, but I was really thrown by that man's voice. I would like to do a show for you all. Oh, okay. Yeah. You'd like to do a dancing show? Yes. Great for a podcast. Let's do it. Yes, I would love to do a dancing show. Someone give me a beat so I can move my body. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot,

My back, my back. Oh no, what happened? My neck as well, as well as my pussy. What about your crack? Is your crack okay? My sphincter. Did your crack survive? My sphincter. Your sphincter? I don't know, let me see. It is, my crack is okay. I guess I never realized that song, my neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack was referring to the drug at the end.

Got everything I need. My neck, my back, my pussy and my crack. Check, check, check. And check. Wait, is this part of the routine? No, it's not part of the routine. I've never danced. Are you injured? I am injured. If only that podcast doctor were still around. Oh my gosh. Maybe he could be getting. I don't think so. We were kicked out of the studio. Well,

I've been kicked out of many a studio. I was at Studio 54 when they were recording. Oh, my God. Were you at Studio 55, too? Yeah. What about 56? 56, 57, 58, 59, 60. That's a lot of studios. Did you ever do the Cocaine? Cocaine?

Coca-Cola. Oh, no, that's too fancy for me. I'm kind of like a hipster of drugs. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. You know, you're like those, those guys who wear like boater hats and have curly mustaches, but with crack. Exactly. Yes. Right. Exactly. I don't think there's anything wrong with guys with boater hats and mustaches. Let me ask you this. No. Do you, crack really is the drug of the people. It is, you know, because everyone can get it. Of the common man. Oh,

even people who can afford better they want crack but i'm not here to talk to you about crack i'm here to dance but you haven't you just tried to i would like to try and you fell i would like to try again please all right we have time for one more try just one more what is this jail you're only in jail you're only allowed to dance twice okay okay well let's do this aggravate your your condition no no no no no let me try that's right do you need a beat give me a beat do you

I'm traumatized by that beat. You don't like glue read? I have trauma to attach to that beat. I just sing to that beat. Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

Oh, well, Stormy, I'm so sorry. That's all the time we have. What happened? I was going to be a big star after this podcast. You were? Really? I was. I don't think that was in the cards. Will I be? I don't think so. I'm sorry to tell you. I was going to be a big star. I had big dreams and big hopes. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. No fear.

No fear. I love those t-shirts. No fear. Yeah. How about fear of God? Fear of God? Have you seen that? I haven't seen those t-shirts. I haven't seen that. I don't quite understand what it is. Fear of God. Respect for God. You should be afraid. No, it's be afraid of God. Terrified. He's going to kill you every day. Let's say you go to buy a fitted hat. A fitted cap, yes. A fitted cap. You select your team. Are you seven and three-eighths? What's that? Are you seven and three-eighths? You are.

And you scroll through. Seven and five eights. Seven and five eights, I bet. Yeah. Nailed it. We may have discussed this before the show. And so, and you are, you're scrolling through all the hats that your team has offered. Hats everywhere. Okay. And then at the very end, you see these fear of God hats. Okay. And it's like, well, that has nothing to do with my team.

Okay. Yeah. Those aren't official MLB hats. There's no explanation of what they are or what they're doing there. Wait, so what's your question? What is the... Who's making those hats and shirts and stuff? God himself. Who's making them? That's your question? They're divine? They're divine. Caps!

The Divine Caps. Oh my God. Didn't you know? I wish I had bought one now. Yes. Well, you can always go back. Do you think if you don't buy them, God will send you to hell? Surely. What if it was that easy? To get to hell. You want to go. To get to heaven. Just buy this merch. Oh, okay. Oh, I see what you're saying. I thought you wanted to get to hell. Me too. No, I want to get to heaven. I've tried killing people. I'm still here. Does everyone buy this t-shirt? Heaven's overrated. I died once. Came back. Did you really? What was it like? Like the little boy? Yeah. Like the little boy.

Dakota? Who, Haley Joel Osment? Oh yeah, like that little boy. Wasn't that the surprise ending of The Sixth Sense? He was dead? He went to heaven. He was dead. He was dead in heaven. And then God sent him back and said, we're full. It's all booked for tonight, but maybe we're doing standby. See if anyone cancels. It's a two hour wait. He was like, no, just send me back. Yeah, okay. Well, no, I did. I went. I went.

I went. It was like... Okay, well, we don't have time to talk about it. Okay. We need to take a break. When we come back, we have a concerned citizen. I just said I went to heaven, but okay. Yeah, we're out of time on this. No one wants to know what that was like. We need to take a break. No, no, no. Not interested. We need to take a break. Come back another time, though, but can you stick around? Sure. All right, great. We're going to come back with a concerned citizen. We'll be right back with more Ted Noogie, more Stormy Kirkland. We'll be right back with more comedy. For 25 years,

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. We have Ted Noogie, my co-host. Hi, welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. I'm the co-host. That's right. Also co-host of the Murder Was Wrote podcast. False crime podcast. It's available everywhere on the internet. It will be though soon. It's up there. Let's hear another clip. What do you say? Okay, sure. This one was very exciting because this came so close to a real crime that happened. We almost didn't release the episode. Oh, really? Okay, let's hear it. Yeah.

No, this is a lot of blood. Do you know what this reminds me of? There was something in the news this morning. Okay. Where there was a lot of blood. A lot of blood? What do you think? I think somebody had to have died, have a baby. Somebody had to have died, have a baby. Oh.

Can you pause for a second? Okay. Okay. This was a turning point episode because then Fred started to introduce the idea that a lot of blood could also come from having a baby. From having a baby. Right. Were most of these murders taking place in the OBGYN or? They started to. Okay. Yeah. Let's hear it more. Somebody either died, had a baby, or died while having a baby. And we are at the OBGYN.

And we got to figure out the ambient on this thing. Yeah. You have to say something. Can't just look at me. Are you my partner? All right. Yeah. Okay.

So were you guys in a fight? This was also a turning point. No, I... Were you just sullenly looking at him? I was... No, no, no. He was not looking at me. Oh! And so I felt like I can't interrupt because I don't know when he's done talking. Was there a mannequin in the room with you that he thought he was talking to? Well, we recorded in a room full of mannequins. Oh, okay. Let's go back to it because maybe my question was answered. Here we go. Can't just look at me. But then again, you can. You're a mannequin. Okay.

I'm going to pause. So it seems like he's figured out that it's a mannequin. Oh, for sure. But is he, does he ever turn around and see you? Oh,

He gets to me eventually. Fast forward. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Oh, my God. You scared me. You're here. I've been here the whole time, Fred. I'm going to pause. That was a lucky fast forward. It really was. Yeah. That was like, that's when you're trying to fast forward through commercials and you try to time it perfectly. I know. That was. I said about TiVo. I used to. Oh. I had it down. I had it down. I used to go. Okay.

And I would know exactly, you would have to go a little past. Yep. And I would know exactly how long and then it would reset. Oh my God, I was so good at it. Yep. All right, here we go. Back to it. Oh my, you can't scare me like that when it's all in this blog. No, I'm going to pause again. Why would he say that twice?

Because he was very emphatic about it Okay so he said You can't scare me like that Yes And then You can't scare me like that Yes Okay I'm gonna go back to it Alright here we go Fred I'm tired I'm so tired Me too Ah

I don't know. What are we doing? Well, what do you want to call it then? I don't know. It's up to you. I thought we were having fun, but I don't want to put a label on it. I was having fun, but I don't know. If you want to DTR, define the relationship, you can. But I think we need to focus on solving murders.

Or did somebody have a baby? Or did somebody have a baby and die? Right, right. This is crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. Seriously. I know. It is crazy, friend. Are you allowed to cry? You can't cry. Somebody else died. It's not even. Is this your loved one that died? Yes. Oh, this is a turning point. It was my mentor. Your mentor. Your mentor. Angela Lansbury. Yes. Yes.

I'm going to pause. Wait, so this is the day after Angela Lansbury died? Yes. And was there a lot of blood when she died? I didn't read that part in the news. Remember, it's false crime. Oh, sorry. Here we go. Back to it. She was covered in blood. Just drowning in it. Oh, no. Her own blood or somebody else's blood. This is imperative. Maybe a baby's blood. We are going to solve it. We're going to solve the murder. And then we're going to wrote it. Okay. Okay.

Breathe. Do box breathing. That's four breaths in. I'm going to pause. It sounded to me like you were doing four breaths out. Well, she didn't specify. She said four breaths in. Angela Lansbury didn't specify. We got the idea of box breathing from Angela Lansbury. From Angela? But she never said in or out. Are you an actual... Was Angela Lansbury your actual mentor? No. Oh, okay. No. What a stupid show. From Glass Onion?

Was she in Glass Onion? Angela Lansbury? Her last credit, yes. Her last credit before she passed. Oh, wait. Hi. I'm sorry. I started. Wait. Oh, hi. Did I start the clip again? Or wait, no. I know. I know. I'm so glad. She made it in that movie. Yeah. Yeah. Pause. Yeah. Okay. I thought Fred was making that up. Oh, okay. But you're confirming. I'm confirming. Yes. Angela Lansbury's final role.

Okay, I saw that movie and I don't remember being in it. You saw it and don't remember? Yes. How late did you come? Oh, I got there like an hour and 45 in. Okay, yeah, this is a problem. She's in one of the first scenes. Fun movie. Yeah, good stuff, right? All right, let's, one more, one more, a little more on the clip. Here we go, Ann. Play.

So she drown in somebody else's blood or her blood. And that's the thing we have to solve. And that's the thing we are going to get to the bottom of. And then you and I, we're going to be on top. Should we check under her fingernails for placenta? Placenta from the baby? Yes.

To see if she gave birth to a baby? To see if she was murdered by a baby while someone was giving birth. Okay, let's check under her name. I can't do this right now. I gotta pause. So wait, the corpses are supposedly in front of you on these podcasts? Can I be honest with you? I've never been clear. laughter

Because Fred always changes the subject. Okay. And Stormy, what do you think about all this? Well, you know, it's not unlike a murder true crime podcast to be a bit confusing. You have to watch. That's why I think listening to it in tidbits and snippets is wrong. Yeah. I think it's ethically wrong. Don't listen. Can I help anybody to some crack?

I'll take some crack. Yeah, I'll take some. You'll take a little crack? Yeah, I'd love some. Yeah, thank you. A dose for you and a dose for you. Oh, you bite it. I put his in a brownie. I put these at Crack Brownies. Crack Brownies? Crack Brownies. Oh, gosh. Well, guys, we don't have time to listen to any more of that. We need to get to our next guest, if that's okay. Okay. He's a concerned citizen. Oh, and he's been on the show before. Please welcome back to the show, Ricky Johnson. Hey.

Thank God you're here, Scott. So loud. So loud. Hi, Ricky. I sort of remember you. You've been on the show before you were in the backyard. Yeah, I was in the backyard. If you remember, I was in a time loop. I was in a time loop for 11 years, and I was repeating the same day over and over and over again. Same day over and over, and the day in the middle of the day, you were on my podcast. That's right. Yeah, that day I was on your podcast. Some days I skip it. Some days, you know. Some days you wouldn't even show up. Yeah. How would the podcast go? Better or worse? Well...

It would depend. Sometimes it would go really well because sometimes, you know, it's just an energy thing, but sometimes it would just flounder. And how would you learn that information? Because I wouldn't put them out on the same day that I record them. Sometimes I would listen to it from the other side of the wall. Oh, okay. Because remember in the backyard era, there was a bunch of lawnmowers. Lawnmowers and garbage trucks. That was usually me doing a ruse. Oh, that was you? Why? Yeah, I was just always like banging a hammer because I wanted to hear the show. On that one day that you were on the show, though, because you were repeating that day over and over. Well, it...

The day that I wasn't on the show, the day I would skip it out, I would just start banging a hammer, doing... But we had hammers and lawnmowers almost every day in the backyard area. That was not you, though. Pre-recording. I recorded it before I got here and pressed play, and then I came and did the show. So you would put a timer on the one day that you did the show. Sometimes you would not be on the show and you would do a lawnmower. Is this the thing you want to litigate? And then at night, you would set a timer on a...

Never mind. It doesn't matter when I did it. It could have happened right, you know, I could have had a trigger on my phone, for example. But you're not living that day. Never mind. Okay, so Ricky, you're out of that day, it seems like. Yeah, I'm out of that day, and this is what I need your help with.

by the way. How did you know? It's not good. It's bad. Do you guys understand the concept here? Because I think the last time Ricky was on the show, there was a person on who didn't understand science fiction at all or concepts like this. Um, it's a, uh, I forget what they were a babysitter. They were a babysitter and they just did not have the, the acumen to understand, uh, my situation, which was, I've never babysit. So I get it. Well, I,

I used to be part of the babysitter's club. You were? I got kicked out for crack. Oh. Interesting history you have. But you understand his situation. He was in a time loop. He was in a time loop. Right. Groundhog Day situation. Palm Springs. Palm Springs. A live, die, repeat. Yeah. You know. Sure, sure, sure. What have I? Yeah. Was live, die, repeat all in one day? Or was it? Because it seemed like it went on for more than 24 hours.

It was just a loop whenever he died. It would go on longer the more he got better at what he was doing. Yeah. Because he was... It just was dependent on him dying. Yes. I hate to give spoilers for live, die, repeat. Yes. And also don't...

That's also spoilers for the manga All You Need Is Kill, which the movie is based on. Oh, that's right. What was the name of the film? Edge of Tomorrow is what it was originally called, and then they call it Live, Die, Repeat. All You Need Is Kill? Yes, I don't know. All You Need Is Kill? Is that for real? That's what it's called. That's by Wyclef Jean Lennon. Part of the series is Fuck, Marry, Kill. Fuck, Marry, Kill, Live, Die, Repeat. Very similar. Out of the three of us, Live, Die, or Repeat. Okay, I'm going to say

die to Scott right off the bat. Man, I hate to hear that. Terrible. I'm going to say live to Ricky Johnson. Wow. Okay. That means, Ted, you're going to repeat. Ted, you're going to... Okay, well, actually, I would like to switch. If I could switch, that would be great because I...

Yeah, what's been going on? I need to go back. You need to go back to the old day? I need to go back to the loop. What happened? How'd you get out of the loop? What happened? How'd you get out of the loop? What happened? How did you get out of the loop? But I also have to say that when you said switch, it reminded me of a famous dance we used to do back at the valet. What was it? It's when you... I gotta hear about this dance. Okay, it's when... You're gonna waste part of your day?

No. This day's, look, I'm not in the loop anymore. You're not. Once he gets back in the loop, he'll have plenty of time. Okay, so you haven't lived this day over and over. No, this is a brand new- Everything is new to you? I've been living days, and this is my exact- Everything is like a repeat on NBC that you haven't seen? New to you? It's new to me, that's right. New to you? Okay. All right, so the switch is your right foot is in one place, and then you hop your left foot to the place your right foot was in. Making a switch. Making a switch.

make a switch and then you make a switch again and that and you do that on beat that is the dance it's a gorgeous dance incredible less involved than I thought but alright what's the dance I can give you more what's the dance where you twist your hips around that's called the twist your hips around really what's the dance where you hop to the left and you put your knees in tight and you

Then I know there's a pelvic thrust. That's the Texas chainsaw. Oh. Thank you. What's the one where I put my hand upon my hip and when I dip, you dip, we dip? You dip, I dip, we dip. That one is called the community dip. The community dip. What is that one dance where you cha-cha real smooth? That one is called cha-cha walk.

Cha Cha Walk. W-O-K. W-O-K. Oh. Because it's like a little bit of Eastern flavor in my life. A little bit of Monica. Eastern flavor.

Monica and Maya and Brandy. When they say a little Monica, how much are we talking? A little Monica? Well, she's probably about 5'4". Don't ask Bill Clinton. Oh, boy. If I ever see him, that's the first thing I'm going to ask him. If I ever see him, I'm going to ask him. Tricky Bill? Tricky Bill. Oh, my gosh. I just wouldn't bring my scars, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

All right. So tell us what happened. How'd you get out of the loop? It was, you know, I spent a lot of, I spent 11 years in this loop and I wasn't really- 11 of your years. It was one day to us. Exactly. And so I wasn't doing a whole lot. I didn't do the Groundhog Day thing where I learned piano over a series of however many years. It is weird that his teacher is so proud of him because he's only been taking it for one day. Why would he even go back? If he knew piano that way, what did he learn that day from her? Exactly.

Did he learn the end of the composition? It's bothered me forever. Does he go to the piano teacher and say, like, hi, I know every single thing to do with piano other than the end of this one song. I don't know one note. And then why would she be so proud? I don't know. Anyway, go ahead. You know, I sort of went on a journey. I did so many things that I thought I would never do. You know, yeah, I...

I sort of went on a journey. Everyone's journey is different to everyone. Is that true? I think so. I think you wouldn't think what I considered a journey might be a journey to you. Oh my God. I agree. Everyone's journey with Paul Leon is the band, of course. Well, I wouldn't agree that that recent performance they gave was all that great. Oh, no, I don't think so either. Yeah. At the Mar-a-Lago. The Mar-a-Lago. Who?

It's like the Batman. Journey. Journey. Journey. Smallette. Yeah. Journey Smallette did a performance at Mar-a-Lago? Uh-huh. That's right. Yeah. Just don't tell her brother. The Winter White House? The Winter White House. Correct. He'll supposedly get beaten up there. Yeah. Who's your president? Say it.

Like the president I grew up with? Like your SNL cast? What? Who are your guys? My president was Ronnie Reagan. Oh, I loved Woodrow Wilson. Tell us how... I don't want to talk about these presidents. You want to talk about his loop. Let's get back to his loop.

I was wandering in the middle of the desert one night and I saw but a golden idol. And I was like, this must go somewhere. You saw but a golden idol? Yeah, just a shimmering in the moonlight. So you saw nothing else but a golden idol. Yeah, that's right. It was just me and I didn't know. And had you been to the desert before during that 11 year? I had never ventured over there. You never went to the desert? No. That's the great thing about California.

California, you can go surfing in the morning. You can do skiing at night. You don't even have to name your horses. No, yeah. That was the best part. That's sort of why it enticed me to go over there. I was like, I sort of got stuck in the loop of being like, I got to name this horse. I got to name this horse. And then I realized, he doesn't need a name. No. And I got over there. You got over there. And here's what's great. You can remember your own name because there ain't nobody for it to give you no pain there. Oh.

And isn't that the truth? Good point. And that's deep. Sometimes you get hassled so much you forget your own name. That's happened to me before. I just get, everyone's just hassling you so much. It's like, who am I? Who even am I? Yeah. Somebody's calling your name. You don't turn around because you've forgotten it. I forgot. And so I found this shimmering golden idol in the moonlight. And I said, this looks like it must fit into something. Right. And so then I. I do that with a lot of things. This looks like it must fit into something. Yeah.

And then I happened upon what I would call, I guess, a mysterious cave. But a mysterious cave? Yeah, so a mysterious cave in the desert. In the very same desert? In the very same desert. It was almost a bit of a cave of wonders, even. There was a bunch of jewels. It kind of presented itself before me out of the sand. Wow. Oh, it rose out of the sand and presented itself to you? Because I had the idol on me. How long from finding the shimmering idol to encountering the magical cave?

It was like 30 seconds. Whoa, okay. So it's almost like it was triggered by you finding the idol. Exactly. Triggered? Yeah. That's what it said. I'm triggered by you finding the idol. Okay.

You finding the idol is triggering me. So it rises up. You go inside. There's a bunch of jewels. A bunch of jewels. Were you not tempted by these jewels? Of course I was tempted. I was salivating like a sick pig that I am. Wait, you're a sick pig? What's your illness? What is your illness? I mean, I just... You're sick in the head? I'm sick in the head. I'm twisted. We didn't talk about this last time. When he came on here, he coughed. He hacked a loogie so big. He did. He did.

That only God could lift it. I just had something in my throat. I had, I had, uh, I helped myself to a little bit of crack before I got here, but it's fine. Oh, I bet it not have been my crack. No, no, no, no, no. That's the thing about cracks that everybody who wants it can have it. Cause there's just so much everywhere. Crack everywhere. Yeah. So you dropped a drink. So what happened when you were in this cave? Well,

Well, I saw the exact inlet where the idol fits because there wasn't a whole lot in there. It was just a bunch of jewels and an empty little inlet. Right, right. And I put the idol into the inlet and gave it a twist and then presented a- You put the idol in the inlet and gave it a twist. You put the idol in the inlet and gave it a twist. And I'm dancing out my back. Oh, so soon. You're not a good dancer. You injure yourself immediately.

Oh my gosh, I've never been so disrespected. You're almost like Mr. Glass. I am like that. Did you see that movie on one of the days in the 11 years you were trapped in that? I watched all three of the films in that series. I watched Unbreakable, Split, and Mr. Glass. M. Night has had some new movies since you've been trapped. A little thing called Old. Well, that was the thing. I saw Old. In the 11 years? We talked about Old last time. We talked about Old last time. Last time I was on M. Night.

Why is that happening? I'm an M. Night's Dan. I love him. I can't wait to see a knock at the cabin, but I probably won't because the thing is, I got to get back to my loop. Okay, tell us what happened. So you were granted the ability to get out of the loop? Yes, because a wheel of time emerged from the wall. Not the wheel of time.

Not the wheel of time. No. I'm less interested in the mechanics of this and just like what happened. See, that's all I care about. I pushed the wheel. It was like a big donkey wheel kind of and I pushed it and then I didn't move right away. Or was it like you had to like really get your feet dug in and like push it with all your body? I was huffing and puffing. It was embarrassing. During the entire time. Was anyone there to see it?

Thank God, no. And it never happened. I mean, I don't know if there was a candid camera in there or something, but I would hope not. What's candid camera? Oh, are you being punked by Ashton Kutcher? I hope Kutcher wasn't involved. Is it Kutcher? Is it Kutcher? Who could even say? At this point? I wish he would tell us. Kutcher? He should have a press conference.

I would like him to have a breast conference. Yes, he definitely at this point. At this point. I want so much confusion in the marketplace. Over a Bible. I need to be able to trust what he's saying. And he should do it as his famous Popchips character. And he should have been. Yes, his Indian Popchips character. That was right the day before we decided that was not okay anymore. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he'll release his statement exclusively on the blockchain. So what happened?

I pushed the wheel and then I landed in and I was I found myself in another desert. Fast forward. Hold on a second. Push out of pushing the wheel. Put you in another desert. I transpired. I was magically transported. Can you fast forward to the point where you got out of the loop? Well, guess what? I was I walked over. I was it was daytime now. I was like, oh, I guess the loop started over. I look at a newspaper.

It's the next day. Do you remember? Obviously, you remember what the date is. I remember exactly the date. Yeah, so I'm not going to ask you. Let's tarry no further. Yeah. After you saw the newspaper, you must have been so excited. Did you look in the mirror and say, oh, boy? I didn't say, oh, boy. I said, oh, no. You said, oh, no, like the backyard heiress catchphrase? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know what that is. I think you were around during it, but anyway. I guess so. Yeah, I think I might have said, oh, no. Yeah. I don't know. Did I invent it?

No. That's probably something that I came up with. No, I don't think so. Probably something really good and smart that I said. You can't just take credit for other people's things. I think I said it because I'm saying it now. Okay. But I was like, okay, I guess the loop's over. Let's go see. So you went from oh no to okay. Yeah, it was sort of a short cycle and you can imagine it was 30 seconds after that. So the loop was over. Had the day that you had been living your desert day?

Had you created a lot of wreckage in your personal life? No, and this is the thing we were sort of talking about last time was that it was like, you know, I had tried a bunch of different experiences because I knew my day would reset over and over again. So I had killed, I had killed myself. I had jumped in front of a bus. I'd done all sorts of crazy things. I tried all the crack, which is what I knew I had a taste for it. Amazing. Yes. Did you ever eat poison?

I ate poison. You ever drink poison? I drank it. I injected it. I smelled poison. I snorted poison. Did you pour it in your ear Shakespeare style? I poured it into my ear, yeah. I did it like a poison-soaked tampon up my ass. Don't you think you'd wake up if someone poured poison in your ear? I would hope so. I'd be like, what's that I hear? Poison? I hear a trickling. Hark! Hark!

Okay, you were trickling. So what had happened to you on the day? Why do you need to get back and correct it? What had happened was... What had happened was... I realized I had it made in the loop. You know, my day would reset. No harm, no foul. Yeah. Now, anytime I make a mistake... NHNF. NHNF. Now, when I make a mistake...

I got to live with it. There are consequences. There's cancel culture now. I know. You didn't factor that in when you wanted to get out of the loop. No, I didn't know that I could be canceled for any old thing. Oh, no. Have you been canceled since then? Not really. No. Who's really canceled? You can kind of just wait it out for a little while. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. So what did you... Unless you're Sinead O'Connor. Yeah. Oh, God. What she did was unforgivable. Well, she shaved her head and she did that.

It was the combo of the two things. That's true, yeah. And that's a recipe for disaster. So when she shaved her head, that was strike one. All she's got to do, all she's got to do. One more transgression. If she had long, beautiful locks. Oh, she had luxurious curly hair. People tear pictures of the Pope every single day and nobody blinks an eye. But if you do it with a shaved head, everyone loses their mind. You can have one, you can have the other, you can't have both. Stay away from it. Statham, stay away from that. Statham away. Statham away. Statham, take me away. Statham, Statham thyself.

All right. So what have you done then? So what have you just wrecked your life? I haven't. I mean, I what the other day I, you know, I crashed my car. That was a. Why did you do that? Because I forgot that I wasn't in it anymore. And I hadn't done that in the loop. Right. And I was like, so I had sort of, you know, a phantom loop.

Phantom loop syndrome. Yes. You have PLS? I have PLS where sometimes I forgot that I'm not in the loop because I usually wake up in my bed. I'm going to do the PLS ice bucket challenge. Yeah. Let's do this. The PLS ice bucket challenge. I'm going to do it now. Do we put ice on ourselves or on other people? You put as much ice in a bucket as you can. There's as much ice as you can fit in any bucket and that's the challenge. The bigger the bucket, the more the ice. We count the cubes at the end? And then people are aware of the disease and they say, oh. Yeah. Oh.

No, that exists. That exists. You know what we should do is put as much ice as you think can go in a bucket. Then we wait a day. It all melts. And then we measure the water level and see who had the most ice. Sure. Honestly, and I hope this time...

scientists watch. Yeah. Because I think not enough scientists watched before when people were doing the Ice Bucket Challenge. Yeah, scientists hated it before. They hated it. They don't like videos. They don't like viral videos. They hate videos. Have you ever seen a scientist drink a drink? No ice. They hate it. They hate it. It's like they're in darn England or something like that. Yeah. Hey.

So sorry. Wait, you're from the Valley of it. Oh no, you're from a shore. Shore ditch. Shore ditch. I'm from the Valley in England. So, so how do you, how can we help you? Is being on this podcast something you think will help you? Well, no one asked me that. Sorry. It's a question I save for the end.

Everyone will be asked, how can we help you? How can we help you? How can we help you? A crackhead who has numerous dance injuries. You never said how can I help. You know I'm like the Wizard of Oz. I can grant wishes. Oh, a frog. Yeah. Okay.

So how do you want to get back to the loop? I thought being here would be some sort of trigger for me, and I'd get back into the loop because I spent a lot of my loop, a lot of the 11 years I was in the loop, talking with you, Darcy, and the babysitter. Oh, that's right, the babysitter. Yeah, and we all just had a great time, and I just thought maybe something here would

you know, trigger the loop again, but I... But you can't be triggered. Yeah. I'm untriggerable, babe. Do you think a cave will rise up again? You should do a stand-up special and call it that. Yeah, why don't you just do stand-up? Yeah.

Wow. You like that, Cha-Cha? I was typing Bane, the comic book character Bane, on my phone the other day, and it corrected... Who were you texting? Batman? I was texting Batman. There's a problem out there in Gotham. You gotta take care of this. Have you heard of this Bane guy? He was born in the darkness, molded by it. It auto-corrected to Babe like my phone's Dennis Miller or something. What the hell is going on with this? What if Bane's name was Babe?

I don't think autocorrect should correct words that exist. Get that serum out of yourself, babe. I am the darkness, babe.

um so what what uh what yeah it's not triggered a cave rising up or anything like that so i don't know nearing a cave around i think you might be stuck i just i need to go back and i just i don't i don't know you had a good there i had it great there you know i didn't do a whole lot i haven't done a lot in the intervening time since i've been out of loop yeah you only went to the desert once that seems like that's all it took too and isn't that something i could have i wish i had done it day two have you gone back to the desert

where you were and like picked up the the thing that triggered the cave and all that what go back to the desert where all this magic shit happened it seems like a no you didn't do that can i ask you something the day go to me the date me yeah yes you the the day before you got stuck in the loop did you go to that desert yeah and did you get that jewel and trigger the cave and all that kind of stuff

Yeah, let's see. Well, for me, it was a little over 11 years ago. I'm trying to remember. Yeah, it seems like something I would have done. I love seeing a shimmering golden idol in the middle of the desert. Right, right, right. So you didn't go back there the very next day that you found out you were in a loop? Well, I was just there, babe. Go back to the desert. Stop bothering us. Okay, so how am I supposed to get there? On a horse with a name, I assume. I...

You don't have a car? You don't have someone who can drive you? I wander these streets, my dear. I don't know what you want me... I don't have a car. I haven't had a job for 11 years. I've got access to many cars. I've got access. Now, this is interesting. All of a sudden, it's the cars. Nothing else. You could also take a desert bus. Oh, a bus? You think a bus would go over there? I just haven't... You could probably do a... There's regular buses to the desert. Yeah, just pull the string, you know, when you get to the... Pull the string! Yeah.

Like I can't answer all of your questions, but the answers do not lie within me, unfortunately. I'm sorry, but it's a pleasure. Men lie. Men lie all the time. I lie to my wife constantly. Why? I know. What's the deal with that? She's been unconscious.

And you'll see them whispering lies to her watchers. This is the time to tell her lies. When she lies, you lie. It's the community lie. All right, look, we're running out of time here. Please help me. I don't have anything to help you. I'm so sorry. We are running out of time. We only have time for one final feature. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Give me some plugs you little bitch. Or else I'll probably die. And then you'll go to jail for not saving my life. And then you'll start a gang and fight with others for their turf. And then your gang will break out and conquer the whole earth. And then the aliens come, rain hell from the sky. Your earth turf is now ruined.

And let me tell you why You didn't give me plugs And now the earth was destroyed You didn't give me plugs And now your throat ain't getting

All right. That was Give Me Plugs or Else. Oh, my God. I've never been threatened in a plugs theme. I liked it, though. We had time for the length of that song, though, not to help me, though. Yeah, unfortunately. That was by my best friend, Matt McNamara. Oh. Thank you to my best friend, Matt McNamara. I thought it was possessive. Matt's McNamara. Matt's McNamara. Hey, have you been to Matt's McNamara? Yeah, it's my favorite McNamara by far. It's gone downhill, though. No. Literally? Yeah, sorry. Yeah, it slid down the hill. Mudslides.

Um, who's this guy? Bro. Yeah. I want to keep it that way, bro. Um, all right. What do we plug in? Um, Ted Noogie.

What do you want to blog? Obviously, you have a podcast out there. Murder was murder was wrote with me and Fred Oldge. And we cover all the false crimes that exist or that don't. They don't exist. They exist in your mind. Yeah. But that one about Angela Lansbury was too close.

It was too close. She had died. She actually did die. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I read this paper that morning. I would like to give you the web address of a good website. Okay. Make sure to put in the HTTP and whether the slashes are forward or backward. I can't because it's been shortened in Libya and it goes like this.

B-I-T dot L-Y slash P-F-T dash V-O-D. That's all I can say. That's all you want to say? Oh my God, I wonder what's going to be there. I'm going to go on it right after this show. This is exciting. Also, when is this coming up? I don't know. Okay, bye. How about you, Stormy? What do you want to plug here? I would like to plug...

What is so funny? I don't know. I was thinking of something my wife once said. Say it. What'd she say? She said, I'm leaving you. You thought that was funny? You're reminiscing fondly about that? It's got to be a practical joke. Hilarious to you. Okay. All right. I would like to plug...

Alcoholics Anonymous. Oh, like going to it or... Sex and Love, Addicts Anonymous. All of the things that will help people be sober because frankly, I don't want anyone using crack. Yeah. Do you have any favorite television programs? Anything on like Saturday evenings? I don't watch TV much. Really? Same. Saturday evening, Sunday mornings? I don't watch TV much, no. Much, but you must. I love... I would like to plug...

Mad TV reboot. Second season. Mad TV. Wait, the next reboot? No, no, no. Wait, we're just rebooting the second season? Cut this part out. Wait, I would like to do this over again. We're doing the second season of Mad TV. Who are the cast members on that particular season? Okay, wait. I think Andy Daly was gone. I want to do it again. All right, here we go. I would like to plug... Oh, sobriety. Sobriety, okay. I'd also like to plug...

Saturday Night Live. Saturday Night Live. Why? Yeah, because, you know, it's the quintessential American program. Oh, it's been on for almost 50 years. Nearly 50 years. How long has 60 Minutes been on the air? 60 Minutes has been on for at least an hour. Yeah, it's right there in the title. That's the thing about 60 Minutes versus Saturday Night Live.

60 minutes is it's it's an accurate title. Well, not necessarily, because if you count commercials, it's probably less than 60 minutes. If you count commercials, if you can't get one, two, three, four. If you count the commercials, it is 60 minutes. I count the commercials. How many were on last night?

Of all the shows I watch? Yeah, of all the shows you watch. 120. 120 commercials? That's too many commercials. That's just 20 more commercials than there are humans on Earth. You already said you used to TiVo things. I used to, yeah. But now because TiVo doesn't exist, you just watch the commercials? Yeah. Okay. I don't know.

Just a count. So what? If you count the amount of time commercials take in the program, that's not quite 60 minutes. Right. The program itself, the amount of programming. No, if you don't count the commercials, it's like 45 minutes. I'd also like to plug CBS Sunday Morning, which is a beautiful show that comes on in the mornings on CBS. That is very accurate. It always ends with a tranquil nature scene, and it begins with an ear-splitting trumpet. I like that. No, I'd like to plug some other programs. Yeah, what do you got?

Couples Therapy on Showtime. Oh, okay. Great show. It's a reality TV program. It's good. It's reality TV? What's that show on HBO? Love, is it called?

The show on Netflix called Love? No, no, it's called something else. Season two, it's about Love Life. Love Life. Oh, yes. I believe HBO has removed all their programming. No. But no, yes, that show, yes. They removed that show. Dream On. That show, everything's gone. And they just raised their prices by a dollar a month. I thought it was by, was it what,

$1 a month? $1. It's a weird flex to take everything off your platform and then raise prices. We have even less. Give us more money. Yes, I did. And in the email, they were like, so we can make more shit. And it was like, that's our problem. That's a YP. What?

I also like to plug Instagram. Okay, just generally. As an app. Okay. It's like a nice place to see photos. I like to plug the internet. Okay, well, I'll one-up you and I say I like to plug the sky. I like to plug earth. Okay, well, I'd like to plug God. I'd like to plug wind. I'd like to plug earth. I want to plug fire. She goes from God, you go wind? He's trying to make a band. He wants me to plug September. September. Do you remember?

I do. Yes, I do. You know I do. That's one thing we can say about Stormy. She remembers. Okay, she recalls. Yep. Stormy remembers. All right, Ricky, what do you want to plug? Well, since I've been out of the loop, the one good thing I've been able to do is catch up on my favorite guy's podcast, It's Man Up.com.

He's put out a couple of episodes of his very good Weezer podcast called What's With These Homies Talking About Weezer. Yeah. And those have been really fun. And he's now putting out episodes of Get Played with Nick Weiger and Heather Ann Campbell, so you can keep listening to those. And on their Patreon, they talk about only anime, and anime is truly a lot of fun to watch. What about hentai?

You talking about hentai? We have not reviewed any hentai yet. All you need is kill. Yeah. That's where I learned about all you need is kill. Okay. And that's patreon.com slash get played. All right. Yes. Check that out. What about Manja?

Molto bene. Yeah. Do you watch Manja? I want, you know, you read Manja, you read Manja. You read Manja, you watch Anima. And have you ever smoked Manja? Yes. Smoked a Manja. Manja, have you smoked it? Can I still do that? Huh? Can I still do that? Respect my neck. I mean, I heard a detective or some co-host on an earlier portion of the podcast doing quite a questionable accent. So I think you can still do that. Yeah.

I want to plug, look, the Comedy Bang Bang book called Comedy Bang Bang the book, or no, Comedy Bang Bang the podcast the book.

is coming out in April and, uh, you can pre-order it now. Just go to cbbworld.com slash book. Also, when you're at CBB world, uh, you can get a subscription. We have all of our past episodes plus ad free episodes. If you're tired of listening to me talk and do the ads, you can go over there and subscribe. And, uh, we also have other shows, uh, CBB presents. Uh, we have, uh, I believe an entrepeneur showed, uh, came out recently. Uh, uh,

which is entrepreneurs, entrepreneur tour. And yes, I like when they insert ads into a podcast that the hosts don't read. Yeah. And it's like, you're going to listen to your fun podcast. And it's like blood loss is no joke. You need blood to live or whatever it is. I haven't gotten an ad for blood. Blood hasn't sponsored this show. No, no,

I've been writing to hosts of podcasts to please take those out. I think that's a really good thing to do. You write them personally? Yeah, I write them personally. Please just take, hey, could you remove those ads from your podcast? Thank you. About blood? Yeah, yeah. I love writing to podcasts. Yeah, me too. It's great. I love it. That's all I do all day, just writing to podcasts all day. Where does all the time go? Yeah.

Indeed, whoopish. All day I dream about writing podcasts, host. So go to CBB World and get all your shows there. All right, let us close up the old plug bag. Doors are meant for closing, so we take them up and shut them tight. And then doors are meant, so we take our key and make it right. We turn it to the right, locked it in the back. Lock it in the back. Got it, got it, got it.

Ha!

open oh yeah that was great that was a thousand bags by our good friend actually simpson thanks so much actually simpson for that remix keep them coming guys that makes it so much more palatable than the original version yeah the original version is is it not good it's bad oh yeah it's bad acted like i knew it and i didn't know yeah you've never heard this show have you no why are you here

I get lonely. We'll come back anytime. Thank you, my wife. Will you be my... My wife, Borat? What? My wife, Borat. You're married to Borat, too? Borat's two-timing me? I'm married to Borat, too. His brother. Oh, we had the director on recently. He does the same act as Borat. Oh, yeah.

Well, guys, I want to thank you so much. Ted, always a pleasure to see you. Even though we just met. Thank you. Stormy, I for a second looked around and thought you were talking to someone else. Stormy, always a pleasure to talk to you. Well, thanks. You're telling on yourself. You're often in the valley. I've been to the valley once or twice, if you know what I'm saying. And Ricky, go to the desert. Can you take me, please? Yes.

You want me to take you to the... Can I sit in the back? Can you buy gas? Desert bus is fun. They show videos. I didn't have a job during the loop, babe. Stop talking like Dennis Miller and I'll drive you to the desert, all right? I get no respect. All right, you can talk like Rodney. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks, bye.

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