Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Welcome to date yourself instead. Date yourself instead? What does it mean to date yourself instead? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself and that's it.
Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. Today's episode, I want to preface it by saying when I recorded this, I had lost my voice. So bear with me because it might sound a little weird, but it is one of my favorite episodes to date. It's basically all the red flags I've spotted and picked up along the way in the early stages of dating or when I'm just getting to know someone, just things that I've really recognized as red flags from my perspective. Obviously everyone's experience is different, but
But this is just what I've learned along the way. So I hope you enjoy the episode and let's get right into it. I just want to get right into this list. I wrote out a list in front of me of all of the red flags I spotted when dating. So here we go. Number one.
they are a bad texter or they're barely responsive and there's no enthusiasm or life to their text messages. For me personally, I think it shows a lot of character in the way that you text. This might not obviously apply to everyone. So if you disagree, you disagree. But for me personally, that is a very important quality in a human being. We're all on our
phones nowadays and a big form of communication in this day and age is obviously texting more so than any other form of communication in my opinion so for me when I am dating someone new or I'm getting to know someone it is imperative that they know how to talk to me through text message especially because we don't really have time to be facetiming or calling or really getting to know someone on the day-to-day if we have jobs and we're working and we're still trying to get to know that person and
Texting is a great way of kind of getting to know them even if we're busy doing other things. And I know this doesn't bother everyone. Some people are fine with people who don't really like to text. But for me, texting is one of the main forms of communication in my life and my lifestyle. And for someone to not really be responsive or to answer me every six to seven hours
like really one or two word answers is not going to cut it for me. I was dating this guy once very, very briefly, but I remember like from the get go, he just would text me at like one or two in the morning asking me to come over. Obviously he was looking for a booty call, but also like it got to the point where I just felt so disrespected. And I was like, why are you even bothering? Like having some sort of any sort of contact with me when you're just using me. So I sent him a text and asked him to politely stop communicating with me.
and I guess this is not totally relevant to what I am referring to, but it was just the way he was texting was very, very basic vocabulary. It was like, Zep, hey, what you doing? W-Y-D, like very disrespectful means of communication in my opinion, so I just wasn't really aligned with him, and we went on a couple of dates, but the vibe was just definitely off, and the way he was texting me, it just felt like I wasn't a priority at all whatsoever, which I wasn't,
But it just showed a lot about his character and it made me feel like I had made the right decision by letting him go and cutting him off earlier on. I did save myself a huge headache in the long run. So definitely look out for that. If you're not comfortable with the way that they're speaking to you through text, it does say a lot. Even though it's just texting, it really does make a huge difference when someone is prioritizing you and communicating with you through words. Red flag number two, they do not initiate the plans or they're flaky on plans.
I've had countless situations where a guy was waiting for me to pick the place, to make the plans, to do all the dirty work in the beginning. I shouldn't say dirty work. That's probably not the best way to phrase it, but it's a little bit of effort that you have to put in the beginning phases of dating. And these guys were so lazy. I've had quite a few people...
that I've also met on dating apps where they would expect me to do all the work as far as make the plan, do the research, know where to go, know the best spots in the city. And I would do it because I used to pride myself, oh, I'm a take charge woman and I'm independent and I know the best places and this and that.
But it kind of just also, in my standpoint, I was like, oh, well, they want me to be happy with where we're going and they want me to pick the place because I know my way around here and they want me to feel comfortable. But at the end of the day, it shows a lot about character when a guy is decisive, in my opinion, and wants to take charge and do that work.
for his woman. i just feel like it's a very attractive quality to me. and listen, i know there are plenty of women out there that love to take charge and be in control and make the reservations and make the plans, but for me personally, it doesn't mean that you're not a take charge person if you don't do all the work and put in the effort in the beginning. it's just nice to see what they plan and what they do for you because it says a lot about how much they care and how much effort they actually want to put in.
For me, at least. These are my experiences, so take it with a grain of salt. But I just personally feel cared about and more appreciated when the guy is putting in a genuine effort to make the plan and know what we're doing and be really decisive about it. It's extremely attractive to me, and it shows me that they're willing to do a little bit of work to...
or show me, not even impress me, but just show me that they care. That's all I'm really asking for in the beginning. Just show me that you care a little bit and you wanna make...
the night fun or you want to make the day exciting or whatever we do, you want us to just have a good time. It just means a lot to me. I once met a guy on a dating app and he expected me to pick the place because he said he wasn't from around here. And he's like, oh, I just moved to the city. And then I ended up picking the place and planning out the entire night. And then when we did meet up,
He told me that he had moved to the city like five years ago. And I was just like, there is no shot in hell that you didn't know your way around here. Like you've lived here for five years and you made me pick all the spots that we were going to go to that night, like bar hop. And like, it was just...
I don't know. In my head, I was just kind of like, this dude definitely just didn't want to make the plan. And five years is quite a long time to get to know a place. So in my opinion, it was just a little bit... It turned me off a little bit and also showed me that he didn't really care to put in as much effort as I would like a guy to, especially in the beginning phases of dating.
So I actually did still end up seeing him several times after that. And he did end up picking a few places after that, but it did fizzle out pretty quickly. Like as much as I did like him in the beginning, he actually wasn't really big on making plans, a genuine effort. It was always me kind of texting him and initially saying,
initiating the plan and then we would go and do things. But it was just like, it made me feel like I wasn't in my feminine energy. It kind of just made me feel like since I was doing all the work and putting in more effort into the early dating phases, it just felt like I was kind of more in my masculine energy, which was not going to work for me. I'd also like to mention there were a ton of other problems with that situation. And it wasn't just about picking the place.
But it was just kind of the beginning of when I started to see the red flag show up. And I think it just did speak to me and say a lot. And the way it made me feel like I had to take full control so early on really did not make me feel comfortable. There was also a situation that I'm going to share
which I'm kind of embarrassed to share because this was a while ago. This was like several years ago when I was in this phase of my life where I was just kind of like desperate to have a boyfriend and I was willing to try dating pretty much anyone and seeing if it just stuck.
And that is not healthy behavior by any means, but I was just going through a phase where I was really lonely and I really felt like I needed someone. I had made dinner plans with this guy and I thought everything was going well. We had already been on, I think just one date before, but that date went really well. And we were texting a lot and he was like, I would love to see you again. I had the best time. And I was like, me too. Amazing. Great.
And everything was totally cool with us. Like I, there were no red flags the first time we hung out. So I was pretty excited to go on our second date and we made plans at this restaurant for like 7.30 and then that day came around and he did not text me.
He did not text me in the morning to follow up about the date. He did not text me in the afternoon. And by like 5.30, I was starting to get a little weirded out. I was like, are we still going? Like there was just this big question mark if we were even still going to dinner. And I really didn't want to like initiate the question first, but then I ended up doing it anyway. Yeah.
and it was like 6.30, and I had started to get ready because I still in my head was like, yeah, we're obviously going. We had already made this plan, and he did not respond until 3 o'clock in the morning the next day. So he completely had ghosted me and ghosted the plans, and I had asked him in the text like, hey, are we still on for dinner? And he just disappeared off the face of the earth, and I immediately, after I realized I had been pretty much stood up in a way, I deleted his number from my phone,
I went out with a couple of my girlfriends that night and I just completely tried to get my mind off of it because I just thought it was completely inappropriate and out of line and disrespectful because he had told me that he left his phone in a cab. So at that point, I knew he was completely full of shit and lying to me because I was like, dude, there is no way you left your phone in a cab and you couldn't get it back till three in the morning, which he had said. And he said, you know, I'm so sorry. I lost my phone, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My intuition is extremely strong and always act
And I knew in my gut he was completely lying to me. But at the same time,
I wasn't really looking for a serious relationship in that current moment. And I kind of just wanted to talk to someone. I don't know what was going through my head. Honestly, this is a really, really unhealthy way to deal with being alone. And you should not be giving people the time of day if they're disrespecting you. But I was just kind of brushing it off in my head. I was really disappointed in his actions. But at the same time, I felt like
Since I didn't want anything too serious, I didn't take it too much to heart. I don't know if that makes sense, but in that moment, it just made sense to me. So I kind of dismissed it. I actually didn't end up meeting up with him again for three weeks because I had a business trip and I was just a little bit turned off.
I was just trying to keep my distance, but I still entertained the conversation, which was completely on me and I shouldn't have in the first place. But looking back, I don't regret continuing the conversation with him. It was just more so that he didn't really deserve it. And that was a huge red flag. He was super flaky. He ghosted me. He canceled the plans, made up some story about it. And I did end up seeing him again after like a three week period. And it didn't end up working out, of course.
but that was just a red flag in general. If a guy is being super flaky or he tells you who left his phone in a cab and couldn't hang out with you or he lost his phone or he had a work thing, anything really, if he's super flaky and he isn't texting you the day of a plan and making sure to confirm that you're still on, take that as a huge red flag. I also had a friend who was recently dating this guy who...
He seemed to really like her and she said they would get along really well in person and they've been on a couple dates and they were like super close from the get-go. And she said everything felt really amazing and she was really excited to keep dating him and seeing him and whatever. But there was like this weird disconnect when she started to ask him to come over one time. He was kind of like being really standoffish about it and he was kind of like dodging the question. And then...
It got to a point where she had asked him like a couple times to hang out and come over. And he asked her instead if they could FaceTime because he had like a football thing with his friends. And he just kept throwing out these really lame excuses to her. It was still pretty early on in the dating process.
phase but I had already told her like dude this is such a red flag this is so bizarre it's like very weird behavior I just think if a guy wants to see you he will make the time to see you and I've learned that the hard way because I've definitely had my fair share of reaching out to a guy and confirming plans like the story I just told you so I had told her like I just didn't see that as a good sign and it turns out that we were right and it wasn't a good sign and he had been
I don't know what he was really up to, but he just wasn't making her the priority and they ended up not seeing each other anymore. So if a guy is being weird or flaky, especially in the beginning about plans, take it as a red flag.
Another big red flag I've noticed is love bombing. If you don't know what love bombing is, it's basically showering you with attention and love and texts and calls and being absolutely totally infatuated and obsessed with you. And then once you hang out a few times or have sex with this person, they completely do a 180 and pull the rug and act like they never even gave a shit about you. So
I've had this happen to me maybe once or twice, but not often because I've always been uncomfortable if a guy has been like obsessively talking to me straight from the beginning. But a lot of people feed into this attention and like the attention because they're like, wow, this person like really likes me. And like, they're telling me they're like in love with me. And it's only been like the second date.
While in rare cases, this has happened where people fall in love really quickly, usually more oftentimes than not, when a guy is saying all these things to you and he knows absolutely nothing about you, that's usually a red flag. You can't really fall in love with someone if you don't know everything about them within the first or second time meeting or even the third time meeting. Love is obviously unconditional and the energy of love is unconditional, but
But for someone to actually be showering you with those words and giving you loads of attention very early on without really getting to know you, that's usually a red flag, at least from my experiences and my opinion. I know we hear those success stories where the guy knows instantly that he's in love and he's going to marry this girl and like...
this is my wife, like the first time they meet, like there are stories like that. And there's no denying that I've heard beautiful stories that have unfolded that way.
But I've definitely heard more of the other way around where, like, for example, one of my friends who I recently got dinner with had told me she met a guy on a dating app and he lived in a different state. But they were like obsessively talking to each other for three weeks straight. They were FaceTiming every night. And then he asked her to come to his hometown to meet her and meet his family and like,
all this crazy stuff that was just like too much too soon. It was like an overload. And it was like they were already engaged within the first three weeks of talking to each other without even really getting to know each other in person. And then what happened was when she ended up visiting him,
he kind of flipped a switch on her. And once they got to meeting in person, he completely changed personalities and got really cold and weird towards her. And she ended up leaving and being extremely disappointed and hurt because she went in with these crazy expectations that they were basically going to get married. And then she left because
feeling like completely defeated and drained and she's like why did i put so much energy into this person when they weren't being sincere that is just one example of like love bombing that i could really think of that was like pretty recent that i know one of my friends had gone through you know it happens in so many different forms but if someone is like really telling you these crazy intense emotional things right off the bat without really getting to know you in person
it's usually a red flag. I'm not gonna say always, but just be careful and be wary of that when you're dating. Another red flag for me is when a guy asks you to pay or split the bill on the first date.
And I know that might sound a little, I don't want to say superficial or shallow. It might sound a little weird to some people saying that, and it might upset some men saying that. But just from my experience, it shows like a respectful character type of thing where the man wants to provide for his woman. And it doesn't mean that you're never going to contribute in the relationship financially, or you're never going to take care of your man or the other way around. Like I
When I've been in serious relationships, I have contributed and I've offered to pay many times for my boyfriends or whatever it is. But I'm just talking about in the early dating phases, like when you're just getting to know a guy and you go out on a date and he's expecting you to pay or split the bill. I just personally think every time this has happened and I've offered to pay and they've accepted, it kind of puts this...
perception in my head that they're not really interested in providing or taking care of me from the get-go. And more oftentimes than not, I've seen their true colors come out later where that was exactly true. And it's not to say that this is always the case, but personally, from my experience, I've had guys ask me to split the bill with them. And then they continue to expect me to provide in ways that I couldn't early on in the relationship. And
And it took me out of my feminine energy. I briefly mentioned feminine energy earlier in this podcast. And...
There's something about a man offering to take care of you early on, as far as just as simple as even buying you a coffee. It doesn't have to be you go to this lavish $800 dinner with drinks and food and all that the first time you go on a date, but even just treating you to a coffee, it's the simple things and the simple gestures that really make the biggest difference. And
You'd be surprised. I have definitely been on these dates where the guy was like almost expecting me to pay for him. And I did. I have done this before. And I just felt completely out of my element and a little bit like I was the one willing to provide for him, but not the other way around. And the dynamic of the relationship immediately felt uncomfortable and off.
People can judge me for saying this. I know that it's a very controversial thing and people will have their own opinions of what I'm saying right now, but this is just my personal experience. So you could take what you want from it. I just personally feel like I'm more in my feminine energy when a guy is making the initial financial efforts.
I definitely plan on making a part two of the red flags I've spotted when entering the dating phase of a relationship. And I'm going to make another episode covering this topic really soon. I hope you guys like this episode of Date Yourself Instead. Have an amazing day and thanks for listening.