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cover of episode The Science Behind Why Relationships Last Or Fail - Drs John & Julie Gottman

The Science Behind Why Relationships Last Or Fail - Drs John & Julie Gottman

2023/2/16
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Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal

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Ali Abdaal
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John Gottman
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Julie Gottman
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John Gottman: Gottman夫妇40多年来致力于研究亲密关系,通过研究数千对夫妻,发现了预测关系成功或失败的因素,并设计了相应的干预措施。他们发现,积极情绪与消极情绪的比例、生理性泛滥(fight or flight)以及‘关系末日的四大骑士’(批评、防卫、轻蔑、回避)是关键因素。在处理冲突时,建议暂停争吵,待冷静后再继续,并进行自我舒缓。处理令人遗憾的事件时,应遵循五步法:表达感受、陈述观点、总结、分享触发因素和制定改进方案。逻辑与情绪并非对立,理解和认可伴侣的情绪至关重要。 Julie Gottman: 女性需要情感上的亲密感才能在性方面开放,这与她们的历史经历有关。男性应了解女性月经周期对情绪的影响,以及女性更关注关系质量的特点。在女性压力过大时,男性应倾听而非提供解决方案,并表达同理心。同性恋伴侣在处理冲突时,比异性恋伴侣更少防卫,更有幽默感,沟通也更好。 处理令人遗憾的事件时,应在双方冷静后进行,并避免立即道歉。 建议进行定期关系回顾(State of the Union meeting),包括表达感激、解决问题、处理令人遗憾的事件以及讨论彼此的需求。婚姻的意义在于维护高质量的关系,这能带来健康长寿等益处。在决定结婚前,应关注伴侣的性格品质,例如善良、尊重、可靠等。没有理想的年龄差距,关键在于双方能否适应彼此的差异。建议进行婚前辅导,学习处理冲突和维护亲密关系的技巧。 Ali Abdaal: 主持人的提问涵盖了关系中的各种问题,包括关系的本质、预测关系成功或失败的因素、处理冲突的策略、男性和女性在关系中的差异、同性恋关系的特点、婚姻的功能、年龄差距的影响、寻求关系治疗的时机以及婚前辅导的价值。

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The discussion explores the necessity of research in understanding love and relationships, highlighting the instinctual nature of initial attraction and the complexities that arise as relationships deepen.

Shownotes Transcript

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What makes for a loving relationship that lasts? For over 40 years Drs. John and Julie Gottman have devoted their life to answering this question with the research and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting relationships. Through studying thousands of couples, publishing over 200 academic articles, more than 40 books on the topic and co-founding the Gottman’s Institute, John and Julie have created interventions to change the way that couples relate to each other to help people succeed in the future of their relationships. In the conversation, John and Julie give me a masterclass in everything there is to know about building long lasting relationships, we cover the four key reasons why relationships fail, communication strategies, rituals to cultivate deeper connection and their latest book *The Seven Day Love Prescription *which distills their work into a seven-day action plan for deeper intimacy. Enjoy :)

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Sponsored by Brilliant - visit https://brilliant.org/DeepDive/) and the first 200 of you will get 20% off Brilliant's annual premium subscription.

Sponsored by WeWork - visit https://www.we.co/ali) and use the code ‘ALI’  at checkout to redeem 50% off your first booking. 📚Check out my New York Times Bestselling book Feel-Good ProductivityAmazon)Website)

(00:00) Intro (02:06) Why do we need research about love and relationships? (04:37) Research methodology for analysing couples (06:42) What are the things that predict a relationship will be happy?(07:52) The 4 reasons why relationships fail (16:04) Strategies to overcome anger(18:35) What can people do to overcome conflict in relationships (24:30) Why logic vs emotion is a false dichotomy(33:10) Common mistakes men make in relationships (38:12) Your research into LGBTQ+ relationships (40:18) The biggest difference between men and women in relationships(43:40) Decision making in relationships (48:01) Rituals of connection (51:01) Relationship reviews (56:35) What is the function of marriage?(01:07:31) Is there an ideal age gap? (01:10:44) Relationships therapy and pre-commitment counselling (01:14:12) The love prescription formula(01:26:06) Book writing

🔗 CONNECT WITH JOHN AND JULIE

📕 The Seven Day Love Prescription )📱 The Gottman Card Decks App )💻 Website )🐦 Twitter )📸 Instagram )

🔗 CONNECT WITH ALI

📚 Download my FREE 100 Books To Live Your Best Life Reading List)🎥 YouTube Channel)💻 Website)📸  Instagram)🐦  Twitter)👥 Linkedin)

Find the show notes and the transcript on the website: https://aliabdaal.com/podcast/)

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Creators & Guests

  • Amber Baxter-Clarke - Producer

  • Ali Abdaal - Host