Flashback: In the Car with Akilah Hughes
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Mouth horn.

Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride?

With Karen and Chris.

Ouch. Welcome to Do You Need a Ride? This is Chris Fairbanks. And this is Karen Kilgariff. I said ouch at the beginning. I don't know if that'll be in there. I bet it'll stay. One of my epic, you know, my family lineage is filled with men with sharp molars. I bit my cheek and it's turned into this whole thing. And it's affected, it's caused me to have a slur.

Because you keep biting the same part of your cheek? Because it's so painful. Yeah, I haven't re-bitten, but it turns into, and I know this is gross, but it's called a canker sore. It's pretty gross. Have you heard of these things? Yeah, I have. I was in second grade. Yeah, I get more than anyone. I haven't done any polling, but I think I am the top canker haver.

I mean, it's bad. It's not as bad as having your hip replaced, but it's pretty bad. It is. Today, it feels as annoying. It's the same level of hip surgery? Yes. If I were to see a doctor and they pointed to a chart of sad to smiley faces, I would say, as far as cankers go, this is a 10. Well, also, I have a similar thing where I bite, and it might be because of all the

dentistry and tooth work I've had done, but I bite the same spot on my cheek multiple times a day and then that swells up and it's easier to bite as the day goes on. And that whole exercise is so infuriating that it's like kind of rubbing salt in the wound of a canker sore or a

Mouth wounds. Yes. It's just gross. It's a vicious cycle. And it needs to stop. Well, it can't stop now because we're podcasting. Right. But I'm going to try and enunciate at the risk of biting it again. Power through it.

I had a great day today. How was your day, first of all? My day was good. I actually started, but look at that guy. Is he jogging or is he running away? I don't know. It looks like he's running in reverse video. It looked like he was running backwards and someone reversed it. You know why? Because he was real tiptoe first in that jog. He was like that cat in the Matrix. I don't think we really saw him.

So I started my day, my new obsession, and I'm positive. I've talked to you about it, but now I can't remember.

is Korean skincare. Have I talked to you about it? - No, not yet. - So it's kind of boring and I won't talk about it that much except for to say, there's like a lot of products. So you like wash your face with two different products and then you start using layers of toner and you can layer up to like seven layers of toner. Then there's all these other products and it's like a seven to 10 step process

At night. I only do it at night. I do a little bit in the morning, but the long ones at night. And at first it was ridiculous, but I immediately saw results. So I'm like, well, this rules because I have middle-aged skin that I've not taken great care of. So got into it. But here's the thing. It's hard to get a hold of because like if you order it on Amazon and you're not positive of the source, they can send you fake stuff or weird stuff or expired stuff. Yeah. And

I was like ordering from this one store in New York City, which was great and they had a lot of stuff, but they didn't have everything. And it took a while because they were just one store and it's becoming this popular thing. Right. So there's lots of orders, I believe.

But then the newest thing, which has now kind of made it a game, is that both TJ Maxx and Marshalls just randomly have these products on their shelves in the beauty department. And it'll be like a toner that you can't find and is super rare. And all of a sudden it's just sitting there in TJ Maxx on sale for $4. And does it look Korean? It is Korean, yeah. It looks the way it's supposed to look.

It's very strange and it's like I realized I became obsessed with checking when I was up at my dad's house, checking my local TJ Maxx like every other day because I was like, well, what if there's something there now? Yeah. And it became like this treasure hunt vibe. Like I kind of felt like the people that got super into Pokemon Go were like,

You know what I mean? Where it's like this thing to do that's kind of like, yeah, it's just a weird thing, but it's very fun and compelling. Is that the game where it had people wandering into the kitchens of buildings to see? Yes, exactly. There's a Pokemon in here. Yeah. Yeah, that was dangerous, I think, for people. Yeah. Well, you might be talking to the right person because I, because of golf...

It's very surprising how many older, perfectly skin-faced women from Korea that I golf with. Yes. And it would finally be something I could mention, which is also a compliment. What do you use for your skin? Yes. Because it is...

I've been interested. I learned about microblading for my eyebrows because it was kind of an unsolicited, you have gaps and curly. I'm like, I've been meaning to do something about my eyebrows, but I don't want to look like a guy that has done something to my eye. Of course I don't. No, you don't. And most people, even if it's well done, you can tell when they've doctored their eyebrows. It's really distracting. This bald spot in the middle of my eyebrow, maybe it's a scar, maybe it's tiny alopecia.

But she noticed it and said, you should do microblading. I'm like, aye, come on. But I've been watching videos. It's a similar wormhole. Yep. And your TJ Maxx toner search, I can only equate it with my recent checking Walmart for brother brand sewing machines because I kind of want to buy a sewing machine. Oh, yeah. That embroidered. It's just become a new thing.

thing that I'll dive into and it'll be in no way

Well, bring me joy. Well, also, I don't know. I think making stuff, especially these days, people are so excited to support like an independent creator or like somebody that isn't Walmart or somebody that isn't just like the usual where you're adding to like there's lots of people on TikTok that take old quilts and turn them into jackets. Right. And what I've been doing lately is patching.

with tiny patches. I'm just, uh, you know, embellishing old clothing of mine and making it new to me again. I'm way deep. I've ordered hundreds of little tiny patches that you can put on a polo or an, uh,

lapel or whatever. And when you say patches, do you mean like Raggedy Ann and Andy? Like this little one. See this little, I know you're operating a vehicle. I am going 65 on the 101 South, Chris. Well, right now I have a tiny little spiderweb. Oh, yeah. That's, yeah. That's not a spiderweb brand polo? And it's not a real spiderweb, so don't panic. There's not a spider in here. Thank God. But it's not real. But it's stitching. So you made it look like that's from spiderweb brand. Right. Right.

On purpose. And I could be Spiderweb brand if I stuck with this. But that's somebody else's patch, right? It is. You shouldn't do that. Right. Careful. Exactly. Which is why I want to get this sewing machine because I can draw and digitize my own little drawings for embroidery. Yes. Plug it right into the machine.

customizing not only my own clothing, but those gifts are for resale. The patches, you mean? Yes. Got you. I'm going to, and I'm realizing right now as I say this, I'll become a famous fashion designer. So you heard it first. Chris, when you go to Milan for your first...

Yes. I'm already looking at models. Yes. Milan Fashion Week. Mm-hmm. No, I can't model, but thank you. Sorry. All right. I'm just kind of against it. I'm not good at walking in a straight line like that. Right. Angrily. It's angrily and with absolutely no life in my eyes whatsoever. But...

What do you see as your first five pieces on the runway with this concept? I've already mentioned tiny spider webs. Yeah, you're going to have to come up with four other things. Yes, there is. It will be, I think, in the—because they're coming back big, polo shirts and rugby shirts—

embellished with my touches. So I'll buy them in bulk. I'm not going to claim that I own them. I'm just, uh, right, right. They're your blanks. Yes. And I have found a good provider of blanks and they do have the option of bulk purchasing. I'm going to pitch some ideas cause you're actually kind of skirting around the issue. I am. I am scared to tell you. Yeah. So let's go through and say one will be a cowboy boot with a scorpion crawling out of it.

Ah, do you see what I'm doing? Yeah, I like that. Two, it could be a pen stuck into the vent of a haunted house. Right. Three, cat with AIDS. Yes. Four. Things from my... You... This actually...

I see what you're doing now. The first couple, I'm like, these are specific, but how do I make them my ideas? You're listing life experiences, which I should have caught because those are stories I've repeated a dozen times more, probably. I think you're onto something. I think people, it's you putting a little of yourself into the design, right? You don't have to reach out and go like, what other spider web, right? Right. You've got, you're filled with spider webs.

I really like scorpion kind of peeking out of a booth. Yes. Like an inspirational hang in there scorpion. It's hang in there if you're a scorpion and if you're a cowboy it's watch out.

Yeah, they can be different. Different tags for different people. Everybody's going to approach this piece of clothing differently. Oh, I'm very excited. They're going to be very small though. I'm not talking back of a bedazzled jean jacket. I'm not going to go overboard. More like fingertip size. Like the Izod alligator. Yes, exactly. It's very exciting to me. It's great. Do you know how that alligator took people to the top?

Yeah. And it started with Milan. It took Phil Izod right to where he needed to go. Philip Izod, prior to making that little alligator, which was inspired, of course, by his vacationing and an alligator, took his foot.

And he said, I only, this is painful, but I see dollar signs, he said. He said, I am the kind of person that takes a wound and turns it into dollar dollar bills, y'all. Yep, and that's the day he quit being a limo driver. Yes. And this is a fabricated story, but it is inspiring me. I'm very excited. To fabricate your fabrics. Yes. And I've had all these, I had a great day today where I woke up early.

I went swimming. Where? The 24-hour fitness. I'm going to get back into it. Okay, good. And I'm serious, everyone. This time? I've been cavalier and often lied and been not serious about body pain. But if you, and I talk a lot about body pain, if you're suffering from chronic pain, no matter what the cause, inflammation specifically, swimming gets your blood pumping.

And I'm not a good swimmer. I understand being intimidated by swimming. I still wear a snorkel. That lady kind of guarding the pool, there's always a, much like at a skate park, scooter kids are kind of by the entrance. You think they're in the way. But this lady I befriended also, probably in her 80s, was like, I'm scared. I'm intimidated to swim. That's sorry I'm in the way. And I'm like, you're not in the way.

Uh, and she said, I'm supposed to swim, but I don't know how to get started. And I showed her where to order the, on my phone after swimming, where to order the snorkel. Yeah. And her husband was there and they're like, okay, we're going to get

this snorkel because everyone's afraid of the breathing thing, I think. Yes. And then she was like, "Why did you start swimming? This was bad. This was where it kind of went south." I said, "Well, I had a hip replacement and then the doctor told me to swim and now it works great." And then she goes,

Well, that's a gift. That's a gift from God. And then I was like, well, not the hip pain was a gift from God. The relief was a gift from a surgeon. And that kind of hurt her feelings. And then, but I was, I thought maybe she would laugh. But then I realized I had to apologize then. And then she appreciated it. I just had a nice interaction. Well, you know what was nice about that interaction in my observation? You met that lady where she was.

And you adjusted when you were like, "Oh, this isn't a fellow comedian type." Right. "This is a Christian woman trying to convert me in the pool." Yes. And by the end, she pressured me into saying to her, "God is good."

Which I don't disagree. Of course God is good. I mean, hey. Tell me one story where God's the bad guy. It's always good stories about God. Yes. That's the whole game. And so I say that with full confidence, even though sometimes I struggle with what I believe. Whatever.

I said, God is good to an old lady at like 7 a.m. today. And made her day. And made my day. Also, you should have put your palm on her forehead and like pushed her back into the water and then been like, you can swim. And then if she was truly a believer, she would have been able to swim. I put my thumb on her forehead and left a smudge of soot. It said, happy Easter. It's Wednesday. He's risen. Let's make it ash Wednesday.

He is risen. And then I went, and then I dunked her under the water. And she came up and I was wearing a long white robe. You're like, do you want to play he is risen? And then you dunk her under the water. And when she comes up, you yell, he is risen. Easter Bunny! Listen, there's a serious... Blockage? Yeah.

I mean, probably. There's a serious Christian faction in our audience, and we just need you guys to know we're just having fun with the Lord. We're not trying to offend you. Right. Anytime this topic comes up, I want to make sure the Lord is laughing with me.

I mean, I feel like we've had at least two different pastors reach out to say, "I get it. Don't worry about it." Am I wrong about that? Yeah. Will you do a live recording at our megachurch? Are you getting these emails too? From Joel Oswell? Good? Yeah. I guess it's because I keep giving money to the Osmans.

Marie Osmond. You just keep signing up for Weight Watchers. Donny and Marie. Yes, I'm getting Atkins. Donny, Marie, Joel, and Rob Lowe. They're sending these bulk emails and I can't stop giving money.

Whether it's the Lord or just a no-carb diet. Wait, Marie Osmond is not, sorry, she's not Weight Watcher. She is Slim... I think, yes, Slim Fast. Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig. It's fucking Jenny Craig. That's their slogan now? The other one was...

I think I had a joke about it, about being on Jenny Craig. I lost 20 pounds on Tig. I can't remember what it was. Oh, because that's the commercial is, I lost 20 pounds on Jenny. And I think it should be, it's fucking Jenny Craig. Yeah, I do too. Yeah, billboards, just...

White billboards with black Helvetica font. It's fucking Jenny Craig, period. Not an exclamation point. No, no. Don't be cute. No. That's not what we're doing. All lowercase. Shit, look. There's my exit. Uh-oh. Do you think I can do this? Will I be able to? Yes, I think so. You know what I do to let people know I'm serious? Undo the belt buckle and I throw my arm around the passenger seat like a truck driver backing up. Oh.

You could get involved. You could help. I should. Should I? I mean, you could try. I'm going to. I'm going to. Oh, I don't even have my blinker. Oh, do that first. I have it on now. Hi. Oh, they're letting us in. I didn't hear you. This person is not. Yeah, they will. Hi. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, I love this song. Wait, we have one more to go.

Oh, yeah. I'll do it again. Great. He's letting me. Thank you. Oh, my God. They all let us. Listener, can you tell us what this song is? It's I Can't Wait by New Shoes. Oh, wow. Whoa. Hey. I'm going to fucking kick this guy's ass. Let's chase them and not know what to do when we get to them. It's a Tesla fight.

All night. Yeah, I've done this many times where I follow someone and I'm like, wait, what am I doing? What are we doing? Yes, this can only lead to a bad situation. Even if I win, I've lost. Because I'll be in prison. We merged fairly and legally, and that Tesla...

went on the side where there was no room to be driving. Why would they do that? And now I hope they're embarrassed because we're right behind them. You know we're talking about you. I hope you feel ashamed. We're in black and you're in white, but that doesn't mean you're the good guy. Here's the explanation right here. There's this license plate holder. Go Cubs. Oh, don't get me started on my passionate hatred of certain sports teams. Ha ha ha!

More like, go white socks. Because the car's white? I don't know. I don't know. Well, I liked it. Uh-oh. This is a bad idea. Dang. Boy, what's happening in these roads? I'm so glad to be off that GD freeway. Gee darn it, he's good. GD is good. GD, it's a relief. G.

I feel like here's what I if you do have the opportunity and so really quick back to the Korean skincare You know that these women are Korean for sure the woman that has told you to get microblading or whatever Yes, I've been golfing long enough to know I've been often golfing with Korean women men and women Okay, often women. So if you said that you have such beautiful skin, can I ask if?

Asking for a friend. I cannot tell. I'm guessing maybe they're often in their 70s. Don't guess that part. I can, of course not. Oh, how far along are you? But this skin. In years of life. In years is what I meant. Not baby. Oh, damn, I said baby. But yeah, amazing skin. So whatever the routine is.

I could just do some investigating. Okay, because I was just going to say, here's a guess.

And this is, I've gotten this from TikTok because the Korean skincare like trend got so popular. Now there's a trend, which I love, where women go on and make videos with their moms. And so their moms are like, this is what I have been using all my life. And you're getting like super insight. So, and a big thing is rice water, where they rinse their rice like three times and the third rinse, they keep the water and then they put that on their skin. Wow.

- Wow. - And that's supposed to be amazing for your skin. - Would that work for pasta water? - No, Chris. That's Italian brand skincare. - Oftentimes, recipes call for me setting aside reserve boiled pasta water and then I forget to use it. So in those cases, I could splash it on my face once it cools, of course. - But then you'll just look like Chef Boyardee. - Right. - Sorry, I was really grabbing for that one. - Who's the chef?

that looked exactly, and it's extra confusing because I think sometimes Dom DeLuise did do chef things. - Oh yeah, this is Chef Paul Prudhomme. - Wow, they look alike. - Yes, they really do. Paul Prudhomme was a very famous Creole, I believe. He was like a New Orleans chef that had a lot of Creole recipes. That's from what I remember.

Because there was an era on public television, which my parents watched a lot, kind of irritating and boring at the same time. Is it this? Is this my turn? I guess it is. This is the weirdest way to get anywhere. It's making us avoid things, unforeseen dangers. Yeah, we have to trust it. Where there's a lot of chefs on PBS...

There was Emeril. Mm-hmm. He was early days. Yes. We're just retelling a story. Right. You didn't start this story. A news story. Like, I think it's definitely fact-based. It's okay. You haven't hurt anyone. He's frugal. Yeah, we're calling him cheap. Right? He called himself cheap. He started it. We're just repeating what everyone already knows. But then there was, like, uh... Oh, now I'm thinking of... The soda pop upside-down cake lady? Yeah.

It's a cake. Mountain Dew. An old shoe. Dump in a can of soda and you're done. Hey, don't walk your dog like that. There's a little kid just dragging a dog. Did you see that? That lady. Oh, come on.

Or is it a little kid? Let's ask about her skin routine. Dude, dude, how far along are you? With your skin life. You know what that just reminded me of? I was being very judgmental about her, but it's really irritating when your dog is bad on a leash. And my dog, George, R.I.P., was so terrible on a leash that one time, she would just be like a lunatic, always. Like, she would, it was like she wanted to run away.

And so she was really hard to control. And she was like always like it was like she was panicking all the time. It's crazy. And she was just do crazy stuff. And if we turn a corner and there would be a dog like at the end of the other block, she would go insane and like try to run, do all this shit. So one time she was doing all that and I like tried to stop her. And physically, I just basically pinned her to the ground just with my hands. I wasn't like doing anything crazy.

Totally violent. But it was purely out of frustration. Right. Oh, oh, oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. He knew. He understood. He got it. He's like, you made a mistake. I was going to be a victim. But I understand. He was like, you just tried to get across. Why are they taking us this way? I don't know. It's the worst way to go. Maybe the car listened and we're going near a Korean spa. Oh, yeah.

That would be so relaxing. Go get your elixirs. Just drop me off and then pick me up after. When I was fostering Martha Kelly's dog in Austin, I would run with it because the dog had so much energy. And the dog would run pretty straight and very fast and knew that I was on the leash. But the second there was a motorcycle, that dog would beeline 90 degree leap forward.

into try and bite the tires on the motorcycle, which is very problematic. And it would cause me to dive on the sidewalk. I wrecked big time. Yeah. And I would have to do the same thing. Hold the dog until the motorcycle was like a block away. I do not know what this dog wouldn't do it with other dogs or with anything else. There could be a

Someone with a foot-long hoagie or a longer hoagie. Two men carrying a hoagie across the street. What, a five-foot hoagie? Yeah, like one of these 15-foot-long hoagies where a motorcycle stuntman drives through and has hoagie. What a birthday. What a birthday. Yeah, thinking of a Scooby-Doo moment. Anyway, this dog, Josh Motorcycles, where this dog's long hoagies loved, got so hungry for motorcycle time that would die if, it's just dangerous. Yes.

But I think dogs that are bad on leashes, and I'm not pointing fingers to you, come from humans. No, completely. I'd like to see some of your leash work. Well, I had terrible leash work, and I would get so frustrated because I was always trying to walk her before I went to work. It was just like I had, the system was bad. Yeah. Then I started taking her to the dog park in the morning, and that solved everything because I just had to walk her to the actual park park.

And then let her go. And she would run and run and run and run. And then when we'd go to leave, she'd be fine on the leash. Oh, okay. So she really did. It was like kind of having a horse. Yeah. Because she just needed to run a lot. Yeah. It's important to take your dogs to a dog park, I think. I do, too. Even if dogs freak out around other dogs.

It just stresses me out at a dog park when dogs start, even if they're not really fighting, when they're all in a pile and they're barking and showing teeth. Yeah. I like run away. Yeah. Even if I'm responsible for one of the dogs. I can't handle it. Also, don't forget there's, because I would take her early in the morning, so I wouldn't obviously before work and also to not have to deal with other dogs because George was like,

on the borderline of like wanted to kill every other dog. She was very feral, but anyway. Fun, but also fun and she meant well. - Yeah. - But one morning we were there, the dogs running and I'm drinking some coffee and standing there and then I look up and there's just a guy dressed in a samurai outfit.

doing sword stuff. And he's just like on the other side of the park. And I was like, oh, I'm, this is where I die at the dog park. Yeah, sword play is always intimidating. Solo sword play in the morning at a park. This is a famous skate spot, that plaza from the 90s. And it's one of those, it used to be you'd get arrested there. And now the security there apparently says

Oh. Oh, that's cool. You just have to be respectful. Yeah. I don't understand. And I mean, I do, I guess...

Like, why is it always been such a problem? The noise? It is probably the noise. And it's funny because I understand almost. Now that I've gotten older, I'm like, ah, that clickety-clack. Just land the trick. But there's also the, I will admit, there is, damn it, you wax...

90% of the time, unless it's a marble wedge like this one up on the right that the listener can't see, so why? I can't either. They wax. It's right there. What? The wax, you wax it, and that turns black, and it melts and looks dirty and gross. Oh, so they're kind of touching stuff. Yes. Okay. Yes. I understand. Where, where? I guess, oh, there we go.

Where? Where? It seemed like it was right behind us, but I didn't see anything. Yeah, yeah. Sirens are the opposite of directional. They're just all-encompassing. It's everywhere. Yeah. It's all around you. They've got to redesign those. So I understand it is sort of vandalism, but in the grand scheme of things...

Who cares if there's a little dirt on your curb? Well, and also, but I, I guess, and this is whatever, but it's like, they're doing something cool. So why don't you just watch it and like, enjoy it? Right. I think it's a lot like in the beginning with snowboarding, everyone was learning how to do it. And they were kind of more out of control than skiers that, that are riding around with two effective edges. But over time, snowboarders, uh,

got just as much control over what they were doing as skiers, and then it started to be allowed at more ski areas. When I first started, there was tons of, like, fail, all these big ski areas that would not allow snowboarding because we all kind of sucked and would run into people. And I think what maybe security guards and everyone is recognizing now, and I am indeed talking out of my ass, but they are seeing that skateboarders are...

aware of pedestrians and will do everything to avoid because that's the other thing what yeah running into somebody which occasionally happens and then you know that's bitter obviously feels bad it's not like yeah I knocked over another one yes high-fiving their friends but I think that was what they thought in the 90s that we're just trying to run into people and hurt them yeah but it wasn't the case I agree yeah

Did you see the video of the snowboarder and they're going down and then a gigantic brown bear runs across the... No. Oh, man. Oh, I got to show it to you. I've seen one with a wild boar chasing after skiers coming down the ski area and was like trying to bite.

skiers in the lakes. Really? A giant boar. Shit. I don't know where it was. Not around here. Well, this one was truly like a bear. It was like the revenant bear ran across the slope. That's scary. And it is so scary. And then there's another one where there's a girl who you can tell she's probably professional or almost professional. And she's got a GoPro on. Right. And you can see behind her

Like, she's going like this to escape, but she's not... She's looking out and down. Yeah. But she's holding up a GoPro, and a brown bear just starts chasing her. And chases her for a while, and then just, like, gets bored and goes somewhere else. I bet this starts to happen more and more, because it was an unfounded...

Hmm, confounded. It was a unnecessary fear of mine when I was younger that A, there'd be one bear that decided not to hibernate.

and chase me down the mountain. I'm pretty scared of bears. Unfounded. And I grew up in Montana where there are bears. There's plenty of bear threat. They always are sleeping. But now that our seasons are all out of whack, everyone gets confused. Birds are flying in the wrong direction. There's problems with them not getting enough water. Right. And these bears are like, I don't know what day it is. I just know I'm going to eat your leg off. I just love your outfit. Yes.

Give me some of that. Yeah, yeah, it is. I bet it starts. I'm predicting that there's going to be more bear sightings at ski areas. Probably. So stay indoors, everyone. Oh, I thought that guy was walking like naked with a robe on, but it's just that his khaki pants were exactly the color of his skin. Yeah, I see that a lot where it's just, oh, a naked guy in the street with baggy skin. No, those are pants. Those are pants. Yeah, I've always made it.

Although today I am wearing a flesh-colored shirt, but it would also require me to have black stripes tattooed down my arms. Like a tiger boy. Yeah, you know, the elusive friends with the bad boy. I am National Enquirer's tiger boy. Tiger boy. I like it.

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So are we, I wonder if we're in... This whole drive-in. Koreatown? I have no idea what city we're in. We have gone down roads that I've never been down. We're, I think this is a, this is an edge of Koreatown. That's a guess. Sure, okay. Do-do-do? But this is sending us, this is like early ways where it's like, go down this crazy road you've never... I know. I know the shortest way. And it's through these bizarre areas. But...

We're gonna make it. We're gonna. It's gonna be great. And there are these moments where there's a long silence and fear washes over me that I have said all the things I could possibly say to my friend. Yeah. You're the friend. Oh, shit. Yeah. So it affects you, too. I don't fear that because I think...

It's an improv. Right. So if your gas tank is empty, all I'm going to say is, you know, boot Scorpion and we dive right back in. Yeah. Yeah. I am glad that that was a really good idea. I know. I have so many. Here we go.

I was also thinking of illustrating little signs that you could hold up to people in traffic. Things that say like, "Slow down," or "That was nice," or "Thank you for letting me merge."

They had that in the 80s. Did they? Mm-hmm. Did it cause a lot of traffic accidents? I think people bought them for fun at Christmas and no one actually used them. Oh, yeah. I guess... Ma'am, are you... That was bizarre. She was walking in front of my car. That was someone that's like, I don't know if I should get into my car or just kill myself right now. Or just become...

A terrible statistic. She was walking to her car but was six feet away from it, which put her in the middle of the road. That was very odd. And what added to it is she had a real I-give-up look on her face. Yeah, she didn't seem happy, that's for sure. But there's a guy behind me, so I'm going to go up here. I like this area. Oh, look at this perfect little spot. I know. Here we go. Hello. Hey.

Hi. Hi. Ladies and gentlemen. Nice to meet you. You know today's guest as she's a comedian, writer, podcaster, actor sometimes. Put your ears together for Akilah Hughes. Thanks. Wow. What a warm welcome. Right? I don't know that we've ever done that clap together. Yeah.

I always do it, just to fill the gap. Oh, okay. I guess I've always ignored it. I play the audience in that. Akilah, how are you? I am so good. I mean, now I'm not. Let's be real. Yes, let's be real. I feel like we're at the end of days. Things feel like the world is ending in slow motion. So with that as the backdrop for life...

I guess I'm doing okay. With that as the backdoor for this podcast. Yeah. And nothing makes you, other than just paying attention to what's happening, it really is compounded by...

gloomy weather. Yeah, yeah. In L.A., the hot girl of all the cities. What is she doing? Why won't she get out of bed? It's so weird. She's making me sad. I'm making her sad. I just feel like we're not on the same page. But it's, yeah, for the people listening, L.A. usually is pretty decent. And I mean, I wouldn't say this is even bad. It's just gray. Right. Which feels like

another symbolism for life. - Yeah. - It's middle. It's like it can't, it's not picking a side, which is worse, I think. We're just kind of in a liminal space. The ground is gray, the sky is gray. - I try and enjoy it as if it were a season because we don't really have seasons here. So I'm like, "Ooh, it's cold winter's day."

Oh, I love that. I mean, maybe... See, here's the thing. By the end of this podcast, I bet you're going to make me a much sunnier person. Oh, shit. I guarantee it. Oh, why did I do that? Yeah, like, not a guarantee. We can't do that. The minute I said it, a sweat filled the back of my shirt. You're like, I regret it. I regret it. I suggest we attempt. How about that? To make you sunny. Do you care that neither Margot Robbie nor Greta Gerwig was nominated for an Oscar for Barbie? Um...

I mean, care, right? The definition of care. Like, I guess here's the thing. Not really. I don't think as, like, a citizen alive today, I can really hold any emotion for someone not getting nominated for an award. Yeah. I thought the movie was excellent. Yeah, it was great. I also think people get snubbed all the time, and a lot of movies that are great don't get made. Very true. I think what everyone... It's the irony of the...

you know, the plot of that movie being about everything, the patriarchy thing, everything that, and the whole purpose of the movie was to get back to it being a matriarchy. And that's what everyone's noticing. Yeah. That's what's shitty. Yeah. I think it is. It feels ironic, but it's also like,

I mean, in a way, kind of, I think the benefit of the movie where it's like, yeah, like now you can point it out and see it. Like, especially if you're a kid, which like, I think is who the movie was mostly for. It's like, sorry, you know, you, um, you now can have an example to point to, to be like, oh, that's right. Yep. These people were wonderful. And guess what? This is what happens. Like if we expected the Barbie movie to defeat the patriarchy, I think we had lofty goals. Exactly. All in one. It's supposed to come out. It's supposed to,

Be the number one movie of all time. And then it's also supposed to make beyond making them all like wealthy beyond imagination. Right. Everybody should get awards and have their asses kissed at every award show. By the people that they made the movie about. Because ultimately, I think the Academy are probably some of the biggest parts of the patriarchy. It's like we made a movie about the people that were going to vote for whether or not they're going to give your movie an award.

100%. This is probably, it's just a publicity stunt. This is just another push to promote the movie. This is what the movie is about, by the way. Cynical. Now you have to see it. Exactly. Now you got to know what they're saying about the patriarchy. Yeah, I mean, you know, I think I'm...

I'm also just not super moved by the Oscars ever, of all the award shows. I think that, like, movies are so much further ranging that it's hard to have them compete against each other. Yeah. There's, like, TV, I'm like, they should have a procedural show. Like, every show that has 100 episodes should go up against each other. If it's a cop show, if it's a medical show, if it's a legal show, like, whatever it is. It's time we recognize bones. LAUGHTER

I'm so tired of bones. I've never, I can't even visualize who's in bones. It's somebody, somebody, Dashanel. That's what I was going to say. Yeah, the blonde one. The sister. Emily? No. Emily. That I want? It is. Phew. You're playing to the top of my intelligence today. I think we appreciate that. Thank you so much. Podcast especially.

And then I think the guy in Bones was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Am I wrong? I wouldn't be able to tell you. David Boreanaz. Oh, David Boreanaz. Am I right? Sick. On a lease? Yeah. We got a fact check and a yes. That feels so good real time because it's almost always no. Yeah. I also just don't. I'm so bad with names. Yeah. I think it's like.

it's probably why my career is not better people think i'm an but i'm like no i it's i think everybody has this problem but like i've tried so many different strategies and i'm like i could see this person in my favorite movie be their biggest fan be in their fan club and then if someone asks me their name i'm like i yeah i want to say jersey mike's we're driving past the jersey is that jersey mike no jersey mike david yeah he's out here he's still active

- I love that movie Jersey Mike's where they're all male strippers and they all go on that tour together. - And share the sandwich. - Jersey Mike's 3. - They have to save the sandwich app. - Yeah, I've been trying to use those, is it pneumatic devices? No, that's a type of drill. Pneumonic? - Yeah. - Yes. Where you, I still don't know what the device is, so it's not working. - I did get one good bit of advice once, which was that you should,

if you know someone with the same name, so it's really kind of limited. But if you know someone with that same first name, imagine the new person you're meeting murdering the person that you know with that name, and then you'll never forget it. But make it very visceral, so you're like, oh my God, that's Lance. Yeah, and they would probably want to murder them because yes, that's the name. Everyone always thinks stuff with me. I wish I could kill that reminder of who I am. But here's, I think...

in that moment, because I do the exact same thing, and it is that I'm I think I have fucked it up at times where the person was not the kind of person you want to fuck it up with. And so then I have this, a little bit of PTSD where I will know a person for years, and every once in a while go to say their name and be like, what if it's wrong? And then I can't get rid of that idea, and then I can't say their name. Totally. Like weird shit like that where

the mnemonic aids wouldn't even come into play because I'm having some bizarre internal thing. I feel that way about speaking out loud generally. Like the moment I start saying a word that I know, I'm like, well, actually, what if that's, I get to Google it to be like, is that the word? It happened to me yesterday with nuclear proliferation. I was like, do I mean proliferation? I'm like, I do. Why do I have to second guess myself? This is what Barbie's about.

Right? There's a world that children could grow up in where that's not how they feel about nuclear proliferation. Yeah, not only kids know the word. I know the word. You know you know it. Do you have a favorite movie that did get nominated? Or do you care at all? Okay, so I mean, kind of, yes. So I love American fiction. It's so good. You loved it? I loved it. I saw it the night before last. I've had...

like I love it so much. A fun fact is that, so I'm probably biased because I love Cord Jefferson and like everybody does. He's beyond being a great writer, just like deeply a handsome man. Everybody's like, wow, look at him go. But he also was, is best friends with my old housemate. And so like,

Basically, I'll set the stage. It was 2020 right after New Year's. So like before all of the COVID sort of hit the fan. And he had gone, they had gone on a trip together somewhere. And when Cord and my housemate Tommy got back to town, Cord's house had flooded. So he had to stay with us for a week.

And the book he was reading is what eventually became the adaptation that he's now nominated for. I'm like, that's amazing. - You're part of the origin story. That's what I would think. - There is a studio dog in the credits named Fauci and my dog's name is Fauci. And I'm like, I gotta know. Like, could it be? Could Fauci be winning an Oscar? - Yes. - Did you get your dog around that time? - Yeah, yeah, totally. - Yeah, yeah. I love that name. Hi.

Yes! There's not a lot we can do. This car doesn't go sideways.

These non-directional sirens, if it just had a way, like maybe put a funnel around it. - There's also like 50 lanes. I'm like, I mean, I feel like you're going the other direction. - Yeah, really, you have to speed. - Yeah, who's in the wrong classically here? - But wait, will you guys tell me what this movie is? 'Cause I haven't even heard of it. - Oh yeah. - I thought it was about Kord. - No, so it's like actually already a book that he adapted. And I don't think that the book is called "American Fiction,"

I wish I remember the name of the actual book, but I remember he was being interviewed about Watchmen because this was before he won the Emmy for it. And so he was taking a call and I had to sit in the house because we had one of those doors where if you open the door, it would be like, "Outside!" Like, just like, yell. So I was like, "I'm just gonna wait for him to stop talking." It was the longest interview. And he was just like, asked what he was reading. And of course I can't remember, but

It's about an author who is basically getting no traction in his career. He's black. He's a professor. And he's just kind of burned out and gets put on sort of a leave for work. And he's like,

He basically decides after like seeing this woman lauded for like a very stereotypical black book about like ghetto lives and shootings and whatever, that he's going to write a fake version basically of that. Just as a joke to himself. Yeah, totally. And then he sends it to his...

his agent and they get all of these offers. And then the lie just spins out from there. And it's so well done. The roles are amazing. Sterling K. Brown plays Jeffrey Wright's gay younger brother and is just so fantastic. - Yeah. - It's such a good role for him. And if he wins the Oscar, I would be happy.

I love Jeffrey Wright. He's really good in it, too. I didn't know how much I loved that guy until this movie. It was just... And it's subtle, and it's... Like, enjoyable? It's a movie where you don't go into it like, here's the homework because it's an Oscar.

movie it's like it's actually just a movie that's very funny and fun and i loved i knew nothing about it and then i was it was kind of like an old like albert brooks movie or something like comedically the pacing but then it was so i loved the way it played out yeah you're watching the movie is you're watching the different versions of yeah what it could be what it could be yeah it was very smart yeah and made me feel good

- Yeah, it was like I was in a good mood. - Yeah. - Yeah. I'd like keep thinking about it. You know when you watch a movie and you just keep thinking about it for a week. It's great. - It made me like wanna write again. I feel like, not that I had stopped writing 'cause you know, this industry never lets you miss. - That's right, I hope not. - But it made me remember like, oh yeah, like you can actually make something that's like profound but also subtle.

Yeah, yeah. It made me write down notes and everything. How do I copy this movie? Exactly. I plagiarized it. Yeah. The perfect turn on a movie like that. Yeah. Also, I really loved...

the Watchmen series, I was just so blown away by it 'cause I thought I knew what it was gonna be like. - Totally same. - So good. - And like, I'm always the person, especially with HBO shows where I'm like, I'm gonna let the first week premiere. I don't need to necessarily be like in the discourse immediately 'cause it's gonna be too much and what if I don't like it but now I'm committed? - Right.

So like three weeks in, I start watching it and I'm like, this is like, I started a, like a group text with some friends who were also watching it. Like we had all these theories. It was so much fun. Yeah.

- How again were you overhearing his, Kord's conversation? - Oh yeah, so basically the way the house was set up, I was renting it with my friend Tommy and I was staying in the guest house because it was like two bedrooms in the house and I had a third roommate who eventually was gonna show up. We just never, he was just paying. And so Kord took that bedroom and so I think I was just in the house doing laundry

Like, I spent a lot of time in the house, but for some reason, I was in there. And when you open the back door, it would be like, "Back door, front door." Like, we'd just talk. And when I got in the house, I realized he was in the middle of, like, a long-form interview podcast.

And like, I mean, it went on for like an hour after I got in the house and I was like, this is crazy. But I was just listening to him talk. And at some point they got to what he was reading. That's so funny that you got a sneak peek of this episode of whatever podcast it was because you were hearing it and he had no idea. He had no idea. We already have listeners. Yeah. I had a...

I have to make this about myself. Do it. It's your bug. Thank you. Well, just that same thing happened to me. I'd never had a security system before in the house that I moved into. And it had that, but it was turned way down. So I would open the front door and I thought somebody was in the house. And it happened multiple times until I finally was like,

They're saying the same thing every time. Like, it's not a ghost, you know, whatever. The unfinished business is that you open the door. I'm by the back door. Did it sound like that? It was like, it would just be like, it was a lady. Ultimately, if it was full volume, she would have gone, front door. Like that, kind of like a subway lady. Totally. But it was way...

So it just sounded like somebody had something to say about where I was going. And it was super creepy. Now, this is very specific, but that voice that you just did is also, I think that voiceover actor, uh,

also got the job to do all the elevator voiceovers. And she gets very sensual when she says, third floor. Have you noticed that ever? They use her fun one. Yeah, every now and then, fourth floor, fifth floor, third floor. She goes for it? Yeah. Is that at a certain hotel? It's like that Aerosmith video, lingerie. I just have noticed in all the...

what a what an awesome voiceover gig to get i guess is my point yeah yeah make sure that you get a break before you have to do the third floor you might have to let it all hang out yeah now on this floor go ahead just do whatever you want this is the sex floor as everyone knows

Yeah, third floor is always porn floor. Yeah. Third floor is porn floor. Thirteenth is not, doesn't, it's not there because it's unlucky. Yeah, it's all just a farce. And be really wacky when you get, we get into these parking levels. Now go. Let them know where they're at.

Okay, so you've done voiceover work, right? I have, yeah. Well, like, you know, I've done a news podcast, so it's not voiceover, but that's, you know, a lot of talking and words that I'm reading because it was more written, you know, this is more just us hanging out. Right. But I did a voice for Bob's Burgers. Right, okay. The best show. The best show.

I kind of wish I had done a silly voice. Like, when I listen to it now, it's so jarring because it's just me talking that, like, I can't even, like, play it because my dog is, like, freaks out and barks. But it's, like, I guess, you know, I don't really do voices, so it would be really embarrassing if I had just, like, really gone for it. Yeah. Had an Italian accent or something. Yeah, and they just keep it in. They're like, oh, that's Akilah Hughes. I'm like, you don't have to put my name in the show. Yeah. It's funny because I keep going into...

over the years going to Nickelodeon, I've never booked anything. And I think it's because I cartoon it up. Hey guys, wake up. And they just, they always say, okay, one more time and just use your voice. And I cartoon it up. Your voice is so cartoony already. That's right. So I get that. My already cartoonish voice gets me in the door and then I up it. This guy, this guy's a

cartoon overacting. I mean, I've never... I guess I've never really booked it either. You know, the Bob's Burgers thing came together very weird. I'll give you the CliffsNotes version. I wrote a book in 2019. It hadn't come out yet. It was the summer. I got a call from my...

acting agent and was like, she was like, hey, so the Molyneux's who do Bob's Burgers requested a copy of your book early, I guess. And they liked it. So they they're wondering if you'd be interested in writing for the Great North. Like they just want to like call and meet with you to make this great meeting. And I like sent some samples and I agreed to take the job. And then a day later, Crooked Media called me and was like,

Hey, so we want you to host this podcast. Oh, wow. And so I'm like, I already took a job. Like, I don't know if I can get out of it. I was so, like, I didn't sleep for days. I was like, I was, every phone call was a pro and con list with anyone who would listen to me. Because you, did you want them both? Because you had to make a decision. Yeah, I had to decide between the two. Because one would be like, I'd fly out here and be bi-coastal. At that point, I was living in New York. The other, for Crooked, it was like, you're moving here full time. This is your life. And...

I just didn't know. And I ultimately went with Crooked because I was like, you know, maybe this will also give me more writing opportunities and like whatever else. And so I had to break the news to them as if they give a shit. Like they work with the most famous people on the planet. But I'm like, oh God, this is going to ruin their lives. And, um,

But you don't want to seem like you didn't really want it. Totally. Like, I really wanted them to know. Like, I'm such a huge fan. Like, obviously, Bob's Burgers is huge to me, but, like, anything they want to do, I'm interested in seeing it. And so their consolation prize was like, well, would you want to do a voice on Bob's Burgers? And I'm like, yeah.

Yeah. Actually, more than anything. Great. I should turn down jobs more often and see what the compilation presents. So that crooked job brought you from New York to LA? Yeah. Was that a daily news show? It was daily news. Five days a week. Sunday through Thursday we would record, but it would come out the next morning.

Oh my God. And imagine if the year was 2020. So COVID, Trump, and Black Lives Matter summer. Yeah, what a summer. But I had great health insurance, so my therapist was really excellent. God, yeah, because you have to then turn around and talk about this thing. I mean, and were you writing the copy? Yeah, 100%. Wow. Wow.

So, I mean, honestly, I'm very proud of it. But like, God, that was the most taxing job I've ever had because it's like the news doesn't stop. And, you know, the news has kind of been going downhill for a while now. That felt like just an explosion of all of the things. And like you were saying, it's like you do, you know, you do an episode and then you like turn off your computer and you're like, OK, I'm going to relax. And your mom calls and is like, do you hear the latest about?

COVID? Because you're an expert now. You have to correct all of her mistakes. And I'm like, no, I can't do this all the time. Yeah. Maybe you can use this. Yeah. And those days were the days where we were all getting like, there was that one video where the guy was like, wipe down your cereal boxes. Like that shit...

- Where we were all just running around. - There was an app where it was like you couldn't touch your face, do you remember this? - Yeah. I was eating salads with hand sanitizer as dressing. I was really wiping them down. - Yeah, I would say like all of my fights with my old housemate, and they were not real fights, they were so minor, but they were always like, "You came in and you just like, "just came straight in, didn't wash your hands, "just touched everything."

I just feel like you're trying to get me killed. Like, it was just on the highest level, and he's like, I'm sorry. I'll wash my hands right now. Like, I don't understand. And now we look back, and I'm like, yeah, so that was pretty crazy. Yeah, I guess I owe you an apology. Yeah, I think it's fine. We were all doing our best. I mean, how long had you known your housemate at that point? I mean, I guess about a year. Like, we had known each other kind of sporadically. He produces for a lot of TV shows, and he produced for a thing for Crooked.

We enjoyed each other's company, and then I got out here. I moved downtown because that's what everyone in L.A. tells you to do when you come from New York. And the first week, I was like, this is actually too much for me. Yeah, yeah. But why? There's a fire escape. You love fire escapes in New York. Don't you like living around cars? I'm like, yeah, but I guess, like, it was... I described it as...

so the building I lived in, it's next to this restaurant called Bestia. Like, oh, yeah, super fancy. Like, you always see like Lamborghinis parked there. I never ate there. But I'm like, this clearly like a date night. And the juxtaposition of like people coming out with leftovers and like homeless veterans begging for leftovers and being like snubbed. Yeah, like a real snub. You know? Yeah. I was like, I actually can't look at this every day. Like, if they're not if there's no solution that I can give,

then like I feel just like devastated and I'm already a fish out of water. So I'm just like mostly using Twitter as my diary because I had no boundaries back then. - Yeah. - And I'm like, it's just really depressing. Like, what can we do? And finally my friend was like, well, I have an extra like room for this house we're going in on. And I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna move.

I'm not good enough to solve the problem. Yeah, it would be hard to... Because I feel like, and this is my opinion, that in New York, they would have handed over those leftovers. Totally. I don't know. I mean, I think, yeah, it's like also, you know, obviously like the unhoused crisis is its own thing and it's like throughout the country. But I think because the weather is nice here, there are just fewer shelters. There's like fewer things. So you end up bumping into it in a way that feels like

more dire. - Yeah. - And then in New York, you like, obviously I'm like privileged in not having to see it as much, but I'm like, it's something about that. It's just like, you have to get, I think, past it and recognize that this is the actual world we live in. - Yeah. - And I, at that point was like, I just gotta deal with the fact that I left everything I know behind and I have no family here. I'm doing a job that we're creating as we go. - And that is probably the worst or the most intense, uh,

like area for that. It's like, I mean, Skid Row is so awful and it's so tough. It was so sad every day. Like, and I didn't have a car here at first. So I would like, um, we found you a new apartment. That's why we're in there. Here we go. It's a fun new surprise. Yeah. I'm like, don't, you don't knock. You just go straight in.

Yeah, and I guess like long story long, not to make it depressing, but I think that having distance from it helps me like actually be able to care about it in a way that like I feel like I can be active. And yeah, it's like when you're on top of it, it's just like, you know, I think you're just shocked all the time. Yeah.

Oh, it's bad. Skid Row is the first time I saw that I was just like, because my mom was a psychiatric nurse. And so all through the 80s, when Reagan passed all his laws and shut all the mental hospitals, she's like, this is going to create this environment. And like basically was this predictor of it that as I see it, especially these days. Yeah, it's it's just wild.

Yeah, the thing I, the staggering thing when I moved here and I was shocked by so many things I saw. LA is its own thing. Yeah, it is. But the Skid Row thing is an actual, it's like if we zoom in on a map, it's just, oh, it's a part of town. Yeah. Like it's just a permanent, it was in the Thomas Guide. Yeah. Like,

Like forever, it's just we accept it as that's just an area. Yeah. Let's not find a solution. It's already on the map.

We'd have to change our maps. Right. It's just like it's such a big problem. And I'm like, so what if like all these billionaires who told us to like kick rocks and starve this summer during the strike all just gave some of their money, not all of it. Just paid their taxes. Right. Just pay a fair amount of taxes. I wouldn't be mad at that. There's some state and I want to say it's Massachusetts where they passed a law and billionaires were required to pay their taxes like there's. And and I'm almost positive this is real.

It sounds like a dream you had last night. Solving the problem. But I swear to God, it's like it just happened very recently. And it's like all their infrastructure is now taken care of, like all these different things where and it's an entire state that did it where it's like,

I saw the article and I was like, this could be the beginning wave of this getting solved. Because if other states see it where it's like, hey, it's not you and me. Yeah. It's billionaires paying their taxes. You could still dodge your federal taxes. We just want you to pay your state taxes. Yeah, one thing at a time. Yeah.

That is... Okay, let's... Who do we talk to? I mean, Massachusetts? Let's call Massachusetts. Elizabeth's on the line. Yeah. I'd pull out a giant red phone. Yes. Liz, we need to talk to you. The whole state starts ringing.

So I looked it up and it says for tax years beginning on or after January 1st, 2023, Massachusetts taxpayers will be required to pay an additional 4% surtax on net income in excess of $1 million. So it's actually called the millionaire tax, not billionaire. Oh, wow. Those billionaires are now, they're so furious. They're like, so I have to pay $100 billion? I thought we were ganging up on those guys. Exactly. Exactly.

Maybe they like, it's a bracket, like they're just out of it. It's only millionaires. Yeah. Wow. I wonder if I shouldn't have done this. Oh, yeah. When someone is reading an order off of a file on their phone, you know it's for an entire floor of a building. Yeah, that's right. That's like someone that isn't charging. No, that's 17 of those. Yeah.

I can't even see her phone from here, but I'm imagining it being Instagram and just her scrolling. She's like, "Do you see this?" Yeah, yeah. Oh, you need me to pull up? That's true. Can I get the new one of these? She's describing a video. Now, if you can imagine, I've set-- It's not TikTok. I was like, "Oh, the secret menu." Did you see the bear that chased the girl? Actually, this raccoon got on the swimming dog's back. You're not going to believe it. I'll show it to you in a moment. We're like, "Can we just have a coffee?" Like any coffee, actually. I'm not even specific anymore. Yeah, really.

I'm trying to think of what other movies did get nominated. Poor Things got a bunch, but I haven't seen it. I heard it was good. It was another movie that I was thinking about and still am thinking about. I've had a really good track record lately, those being the last two movies I've seen in a theater. There's an influencer behind us. I'm so sorry to interrupt you. I did see... We were both...

We were just talking about that runway walk. She's upset. She has good posture. She is selling clothes. Yeah, her Instagram's going crazy. Yeah, let's take it again. Exactly, and back to one. And you're at the drive-thru sign. It's kind of the ultimate test where, like, if it was back in the day where I was still trying to, quote-unquote, do, like, acting things, and someone said, do that, I'd be like, absolutely not. Or it's like, that's a sign you shouldn't be in this situation.

in this part of the business. - Right, I know, that's how I felt when I first moved here and I've got my first ever head shots and she wanted to take them outdoors. We were like at a freeway underpass and I was so uncomfortable that I realized in that moment I probably didn't have a future in acting. - Yeah. - 'Cause I'm very self-conscious about people can see me right now, fake smiling. - Yeah. - I should probably-- - Under the overpass. - Go back to Montana. - Yeah.

I think my out is always running. When I see somebody running really hard in a movie or a TV show, I'm like, well, that had to be me. I just don't think I'd be running that hard. They'd be like, we didn't get it this time. I'm like, I think you did. I think we all got it. I think I'm only self-conscious when people see me running. Yeah. The rest of the time, I'm fine. I'm...

I'm mostly just an NPC. The exertion or the form? Both. Oh, okay. Like, I'm deeply out of shape. I had asthma forever in a day. And just, like, never... I mean, I just had foot surgery in the summer. And it's, like, not even that that... Before that, I was, like, killing and running. I just, like, I feel like I've always been on...

on a downward trajectory of getting away from running. Always trying to just distance yourself. And I'm like, I do think it probably looks really silly. I've never seen it. I refuse to like have a mirror near any workout equipment. Yeah. It's funny. As my dad gets older, he's been reminding me lately that I always looked funny when I ran and I didn't realize that I always thought I was fast. And he's like, yeah, you get little, like you get little Tom Cruise arms when you run. Yeah.

I'm like, wait, I don't know what that means. And so then, of course, I watched some Tom Cruise running footage. And yeah, little karate chops. Blade hands. Yeah, his hips stay in one position. Apparently that's how. T-Rex. Yeah, yeah. I feel like if I was in that position to have to do it, I would just literally figure out

like something to get underneath or like, it's like running isn't ever a thing I will do unless something really crazy happens. Right. If I'm being chased by a T-Rex, let it take me. Yeah. What's the difference? I don't think I'm out running it. So like, yeah, that's why I run in that style. Cause I am prepared to run away from a T-Rex. Yeah. That's why I do my, my Jurassic stride as I call it. Yeah. Yeah.

I just hope someone large and faster than me will pick me up and carry me. If it doesn't happen, which it never has, I'm prepared for that eventuality as well. Well, I was blessed with a note from a doctor, basically, who told me not to run ever again. Really? Because of my hips. That's why he was like, you have to swim. You have to learn to swim. And now I swim. I like it.

And no one sees how bad my swim style is. Do you have blade hands in the water? Yeah, and it really helps me motor. Yeah, he chops through. Yeah, they're like little rudders.

Yeah. I, at this point, I think this woman is breaking up with the person that's taking the order. I mean, there are people behind us and we're trapped either way. I want to yell. Are you on the phone with triple A? Exactly. If you're broke down, we at least put it in neutral so we can push. That would be, well, that happened to my sister and I once in the early nineties when we were, we both went to college in Sacramento and she and I were driving and we were driving my dad's

It was like a mini truck. It was really janky. And in the Burger King drive-thru, the truck broke down and we couldn't move. And it was so high pressure and so hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing. She was crying so hard. It was like, and there was nothing we could do. It was like we had to wait for, like, they had to close the drive-thru. And then a car, a tow truck came and towed us out.

it was horrible oh my god that gives me anxiety just thinking about it yeah yeah i feel like yeah all of my anxiety centers around being in the way kind of like i went to a a drive-in this was like forever going in like i guess probably 2020 coven era

And my battery died in my car because the audio was coming through the radio. Right. And they had to jump me, but I was blocking the exit. So for 40 minutes after the movie was over, people were just honking. I'm like, I don't know what I can do. And then the guy who worked there came and jumped me, and that was nice of him. Yeah, thank God. Akilah, I remember when you were exposing the...

BuzzFeed. Is there a better word than viral that means viral? Not really, I guess. It was a moment on the internet. Yeah. Was it kind of a moment that started things for you or was it? Is that just in my mind? You know, I wish that it had started anything. I think it's... Wait, can you tell me...

- Totally, yeah. - Sorry. - So I started my career on YouTube in like 2007. I made a bunch of videos before anybody made money on YouTube and then I started making money on YouTube. And then, you know, everything got kind of fun on the internet and there were lots of independent creators making videos. And then one day Buzzfeed decided to have a video arm

And, you know, to their credit, I think that they hired a lot of creative people. But their mandate was like, you know, for zero dollars, they're basically getting paid. They needed to produce eight videos per day per person who worked there. Wow. So it's just interns that are scared. A hundred percent. Just perforating the internet. Totally. Totally. And so, like, you know, you have the people who sort of have their own series and they're clearly writing it. But then you have people who are like just scouring the internet for things to copy. Yeah. Yeah.

And they got away with it for a really long time. And I think it was just sort of like an open secret. Like people kind of knew like, well, you know, no, there's no real regulation for the internet. Like, and I also think that like, it was a time specifically in media where like millennials were so young, but so like native to the internet that like they understood plagiarism online more than like, I think the general public did. Like they were like, why can't multiple people do it? Or specifically joke sex.

Right. Like that, during that time, 2015 or something? Yeah, it was like 2015. Yeah, a lot of like internet comedians were getting exposed for just stealing from stand-ups or whatever. Yeah, like people's education. I loved that it was happening. That's why I was, it seemed like a very justice-y time for comedy. Yes, fully. And so the Cliff Nose are basically, I kind of ignored it until I couldn't ignore it anymore. They ripped off one of my videos and like,

not even one of my best videos, but shot for shot, the thumbnail was identical. And the truth is, people sent it to me. I didn't subscribe to BuzzFeed because I was like, I'm not into this kind of bottom of the barrel content, whatever. So I basically was like, is anyone ever going to stop them from doing this? So I made a petition. It was called Stop Buzz Thieves.

And like basically they started losing advertisers. And so Jonah Peretti, who owned BuzzFeed at the time, wrote a Medium article to be like, she's crazy. I've never stolen anything. We were actually like ripping ourselves off. We were ripping anybody off. And then he like used clips from a movie that was like, it's actually more like this. And I'm like, no, it's not. That's exactly what my script was. I think I saw that too. I was glued to this. Yes. And it was so it was like it was kind of this big thing. But like,

It's funny you bring it up because I don't really think about it that often. The one thing I do think about is BuzzFeed and how specifically the video wing died because they couldn't keep ripping it off. The internet became so much bigger year after year and there were so many more people creating stuff that it was like, well, why would you go specifically to BuzzFeed to see a video about 15 things you feel when you're tall? Right.

whatever garbage. Oh yeah, those lists. Nausea. We make lists. Yes, 100%. And it's like, this is what AI should be writing. Like, let us write this crap. But I thought about it recently because I'm, I don't know, I think everybody's career is kind of weird in entertainment right now. But I'm like, man, one person who was really mean to me, and I'm just going to name names because why not? She was really mean to me about it on Twitter was Quinta Brunson.

- Oh, wow. - And I was in the hospital when I first posted this thing. I had these benign liver tumors. They were kind of like a sudden thing. And so I was throwing blood clots literally overnight in the hospital. And I see that she's sub-tweeting me with other Buzzfeed people saying, "I'm not funny," saying, "I'm just bitter," all this stuff.

And I remember I wrote back to her. I'm like, well, I need you to know I've always thought you were funny. Like, I'm not trying to like shade any work you've done. I just think it's wrong to steal from people. And she's had this huge career. And it's like, I never had a doubt that she would have it. But it is always funny when it's like, wow, like, you clearly didn't get it back then. Yeah. And like,

I don't know. I'm like, am I being punished because I stood up for independent creators? Right. You know what I mean? Like, is it always going to be this, like, moment where big media corporations are like, well, you know, she...

she did go to bat for her fellow creators. Right. It's actually, that is why all of a sudden we, everyone knew about Joe Rogan. He got famous for outing a joke thief, basically. But like for some reason that like amplified it, I guess, you know, white man, black woman. Why did I think of you in a different way? Yeah, yeah. But it is like, it's very strange because like,

Even people who worked there were like admitting it. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah. Like the young people who I mean, they like ended up quitting their jobs, but they're like, I'm not getting paid enough to like have this heat on me. But yeah, like, what do you think we're doing? Right. The mandate to do eight videos a day is crazy. Like, like ideate, shoot and produce, like put out.

Of course they were going to be stealing. And it's like, why fight it? Why be petty about it? And I think like, you know, I'm in my thirties and I'm old enough to like, not be like have some big chip on my shoulder about it. But like,

at the time I was just like, don't you want to have solidarity with other people who are like making their way the same way as you? Like, wouldn't you feel worse if, if like some other big company started ripping you off? Yeah. And it's kind of like saying you have joined the side where you're not going to have a good idea. So you might as well do it this way and just be getting paid and making stuff. And I think that's the piece that like, and maybe that's the piece where Quentin Brunson felt like, like,

maybe it hit her. Yeah. Where it's like, oh yeah, you're too good to be doing that, but you don't think so. Right. And that's, you know. Right. And also like, you know, like I think it just reflected on her work even when she wasn't ripping things off. And I'm like, yeah, no, like I understand why that would be a pain point, but like don't shoot the messenger girl. Yeah, yeah. Well, and also it's weird because did you ever do stand-up comedy? Yeah. Yeah. So I think there's like a taught or learned thing

ethic in stand-up where it's like no one's gonna think you're funny or like invite you to do their shows if you're just ripping other people off because it just means you don't know how to do it. It's the first rule you learn. You just can't do it. It's like that's cheating and there's no point in cheating.

Right. And someone's going to figure it out at some point. Like you cannot make a career out of just being a joke thief. Right. But I did notice in the years of doing stand up more and more the realization that the general public doesn't really care. Yeah, they just don't know where you get the joke from. And I'm like, wait, you're supposed to. We care so much. Right. Yeah. Or it's not that they don't care as much as they're like, oh, I had my laugh and that is the person I thought.

gave it to me. And if you're going to show up who I don't know, like that made me like that person. So if you're going to show up and be like, incorrect, I have no reason to like you. Like, it's almost like the expectation is the accusers or the people who are calling it out have to do it in a hilarious way so that then they somehow do it again. Right. It's like, it just adds a bunch of pressure to it. But like, ultimately what I've come to is like,

I have no ill will towards this person. I think that she was just young and this was like the first big company to put her on. Yeah. And I think that like, it is scary when, you know, you don't have a ton of experience and you're not really relying on like just yourself, you know, like it's like BuzzFeed had to succeed for her to keep going. Yeah. And I think that like, I would maybe be like defensive and like, I'm so old now and like lived through so many unionizing efforts that I'm like, I'm never going to Bedford.

- But like at that time, of course, if you don't, you know, recognize what's happening. Cause it's also not like she was getting the money from it. You know what I'm like? - She's suffering in every way. - Yeah. So he can get rich.

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- Guys. - Thank you so much. - Guys, we made it. - Yeah, and also, like, thank you again for being so flexible with the recording. I'm sorry. - Oh, no problem. - Disaster person, but... - Oh, you had COVID, right? - No, so I've never had COVID. - Oh! - Isn't that weird?

I did feel sick, but I've never tested positive and I've tested consistently and I'm like starting to think I'm a superhero. Yeah. I thought that for a long time too. And then I just casually got it one day. I think I will at some point. I mean, the truth is like, it's, it's just around the corner. Yeah. Don't it's, it's different than it was a few years ago. I truly believe the potency of the sickness because I said, uh, much better, uh, lighter, but I would,

I would be so, I would feel so proud if I had COVID. Well, it's the other thing you think that, and then you say it out loud and people are like, oh, you want a cookie? And I'm like, I guess not. You're right. I'm kind of a loser. I don't go home for the holidays. So,

I deserve this. You've been very careful. Truth. I guess I've been pretty lucky to be able to stay home so much. But also, maybe you have the blood serum that keeps you from getting it. Could be. You know, it's funny. So, my doctors at UCLA, they asked at one point, like, have you ever tested positive?

So they start sending me these like blood vial things in the mail. They're like, well, since you have it, like why don't you send it? I'm like, no, because you know how you do black women when it's like medical stuff. That's right. I'm going to go missing one day. You're going to be bloodletting me in a basement. Like this is the real vaccine. Your, yes, your, your system will cure cancer, but we'll never see you again. Right. You'll be like, that's so strange. Cause like one day she was talking about it and then just like never again. And her dog just like had to eat the crumbs from his treats off the ground until someone heard him barking.

Wait, this is an oat milk latte. No way. Oh. Is this mocha? Doesn't it taste like chocolate? No, and I have my gum on the top. I'm so gross. Let me trade you lids. Let me trade you lids. I'll trade you lids. I'll trade you lids. That is a solution. I'm trading lids. Right as you went like that, I was like,

What is that on the top of there? Okay, hold this. Oh my God, it's open. Okay, so it's open. I like that I announced that as the solution. Like, I'm this car's stout chick. Okay, is that chocolatey? It is. Okay, it's maybe because it was only one pump. It is. It's the lightest version. Thank you for being so understanding again. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Also, I never, I need you to understand me as a person. I'm not the kind of person who puts gum on the lids of things. Like it is actually the grossest thing on earth. So the fact that I did it and then it almost became like a fiasco. I'm going to be writing in my diary like what the fuck?

how are you the person the good news is that i know that your your germs are no like they're not there right and anything if you just take a sip after me oh my god yeah that's that good latte this is it's the best latte i've ever had and with every sip you're further from ever getting covid too good order choice too like a one pump i really didn't even notice it isn't it subtle so i'm like someone has got to put her lid on tighter i feel like it's about the

pop off and lose it. No, no, no. Look, it's good. Oh, no, no. It is got. I got it. Yeah, it's good. Looks like a cowboy hat. I can do it. I have mine in there. We go. OK, good. Yeah, it's in the cup holders.

Just go, sir. Right. I love when they just kind of block the traffic and then look at you. Yeah, they're like, just give in to my plan. I dare you. We're doing it. So were you all from L.A.? No. Were you all from originally? It feels like I've been here long enough now to where I've just realized this is my home. You have to admit it. And it took 20 years.

one years for me to realize it yes I love that for you I mean I'm still figuring it out I moved right before COVID so I'm like I don't know I moved here today yeah for real no time has passed yeah yeah still young right yeah it's I felt that way really for for 15 years and I'm finally like oh yeah I totally live here and I like know where things are yes yeah and

When I visit home now, I say, oh, I got to go back home. I just started calling this home. That's so sweet. So where were you from before this? I grew up in Montana, but started doing stand-up in Austin, Texas. Wonderful. That's a great stand-up city. Yeah, it was and still is, yes. I assume it still is. I'm like, I guess I haven't been back in a minute. Yeah, yeah.

It's just changed so much in so many different ways. You know, because of South by Southwest and stuff. But I'm glad I'm here now. Erin, how about you? Where are you from? I'm from Northern California. I'm from a town called Petaluma. Ooh. But I've lived here since 94. Oh, amazing. So you're here. Yeah. I've been here. I've lived like...

For work, I got to move to New York for one year, one time, and Chicago one year for one time. So I've had that. Yeah. But it just, this is the place. And it's funny because like, you know, Northern California kind of hates Southern California. And Southern California does not care about Northern California except for like... Wine country. Yes, exactly. Like get on that wine train. So it was very intimidating to move down.

And then I was like, what have I done? This is insane. And then after a while, I was like, who cares? Nothing matters down here. It's great. Yeah.

I feel that. Yeah. I'm like still trying to shake bringing up New York all the time. It's like that really was home for me. I'm from Kentucky. So yeah, it's just like, but I, the moment I got to New York, I'm like, no, I'm supposed to be here. New York is so awesome. It's just so fun. But it's like, I think too, like the older I get, the more I realize like, you know, home is what you make it. And also like I was there in my twenties when my career started. So of course it's like, in my mind,

Mecca. Like it's everything. Yeah. And I'm like, well, actually it's, it's just kind of where you happen to be when everything worked out. Yeah. Do you find when you're, cause every time I visit New York, uh, I feel motivated. There's just so much happening and everyone is moving. And, and then I come back here and I'm like,

I get all relaxed. Yeah, you like enjoy your life again. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, that's one way of looking at it. But also I just, I feel like I wish I had moved there when I left Austin just because of how busy I would have been. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely feel that. Like when I go back, I...

I also just like it's I mean, I live in K-town, so it's like pretty walkable, I guess. But like I just used to walk so much. So when I go back, I like no matter where I'm staying, I have to like walk the neighborhood, figure out what the places are. Yeah. I just feel more a part of it than like.

In LA, I feel like I'm an ornament on a Christmas tree. I'm like, well, I'm in it. Let's see if anybody walks up here. Yeah, I'm no one's favorite ornament, and I'm not especially shiny this year. I'm on the tree. You never know, those lights could switch around. Exactly. I hope a cat doesn't bat at me. Right, if they don't put me in the corner so that I'm the behind tree part. No one's looking at me.

Yeah, you don't want to be that part of the tree. And do you want to catch on fire or do you not want to catch on fire? Hard to say. Hard to know what's right anymore. That just reminds me, my sister's a big Christmas tree person and like very like gets it early, very passionate about it. She's the one that has all the like family ornaments and things from our childhood. And she got one this year and I don't know if it was a bad pick or I don't.

We can't figure it out, but she goes, I brought it home. It was dead two days later. It's never happened to her. And so she was like super mad at her tree this year where I was like, I rely on you to like decorate and be doing these things. Yeah, like you're the festive relative. If you're not doing it, then no one's doing it. And she was like literally mad at her tree the whole all through. For having been poisoned at some point. Yeah. They gave her the lemon tree. They're like, no, this one's good. It's just a little, it just looks tired. Yeah. Yeah.

It's different when it's in your house and then it just died. There was no smell. There was no... It was hilarious. It was not what she wanted. I'm going to write a children's book called The Worst Christmas Tree, and it's going to be about this sad tree that died, but the family rallied around it and the pine needles being everywhere somehow was good. Yeah, and then I'm going to give that book to my sister and be like, this is what you need to be doing when stuff gets tough. And then she looks in and you wrote the sword work. Yeah, exactly. Hey!

Yeah, so you're cashing in on my tragedy.

To my sister Laura, who couldn't get it done in holiday 2023. Didn't see the beauty in the dead tree. Man, I'm also the festive family member. I just like to decorate. I don't think that I'm super Christmassy. Because this year I had a hard time watching the movies. It almost felt like it was too soon again. None of them were far enough in my memory to be like, I'm desperate to see Chevy Chase. Yeah, yeah. It just wasn't there. So every time a movie would come on, I'm like, I'm just going to play a video game or watch

Yeah, this year, the enjoyment I had with a... I guess it was... I had never watched It's a Wonderful Life, not on a VHS, and never had I watched it in color, with also subtitles. There were so many throwaway lines that you missed. Are they good? Yes, funny. People were funny in that. I laughed all the way through this movie because...

All these extras were thrown out zingers. Nice. Oh, like the old guys at the bank and stuff? Yeah, guys in the background. People were... It's just everything was... Everything said was accounted for in a way that I really enjoyed it. I've never seen it. It's about capitalism and taking advantage of...

of, you know, it's about the housing crisis. It's a precursor to all that. It's really good. I should see. I mean, the thing is, people say it's like the movie. And it's weird. I don't know why it was just... I guess, you know, in the 90s, you just had the VHSes you had. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Like, an example of that is I never saw the original It's Christmas Time, Charlie Brown. Oh!

I had It's Christmas Time Again, the sequel. So nobody knows about it. I'm like, it's a great movie. It's dark and he's depressed all he announces is depression. Right. When I was watching it, I was like, oh, this is what the first one's about. I mean, the second one, he's like, you know, Charlie Brown's kind of always depressed. Yeah. He's a real downer. I just didn't know he used the word depression.

I'm depressed. I didn't realize he actually announced it. Back then, they used to just be like, hey, that's a condition. Yeah, sorry, kids. And he, yeah, the plot of that one is that they're in a, I guess, a church play. And his sister, Sally, has one line and it's hark. And she just can't remember it. And so she says hockey puck. And it's just excellent. And literally no one who didn't have that VHS gave a shit. Yeah.

- You know, the town I'm from, well, the next, the big town north of us, Santa Rosa, is where Charles Schultz was from. - Wow. - And so there's like a Charles Schultz ice skating rink and there's a small airport that if I plan far enough ahead so that I don't have to pay like $300, I sometimes will fly home, Burbank, to the Santa Rosa airport, which is like a dream 'cause it's like tiny airport, tiny airport. - Yeah. - And when you get off the plane,

You walk down. Oh, there's no light down there, is there? Keep doing this to me. I have no clue what streets are good. I feel like hangers- But when you get off the plane and you're walking out of the airport, there's just a mural of all the Peanuts kids walking with you, taking their roller bags and stuff. And every time it gets me where I'm like, is this just a corny thing that people from around here... Like, I love...

the Peanuts gang so much. They're like, they mean the world to me. But isn't St. Paul, where is it in Minnesota where it's Peanuts everywhere? There as well, statues. I wonder, maybe he was born there and then he moved to Santa Rosa. Yeah, that's pretty sad. Could have been one of those situations. I could watch, because it's usually on a loop anyway, the Peanuts kids dancing. Oh, yeah. Nothing cheers me up more because they got some bizarre, hilarious moves. The best.

I'm all about PMAX. I always like try to point one out and then like do it. Yeah. And it's honestly pretty difficult. I always like the one who's like the shoulders are kind of down and the hands are pointing up. Like your palms are up in the air, but not the normal way. I know the exact move. And then like your knees kind of bounce in. You're like, what is that? Like that's the opposite of dancing. Like it's the least instinctual dance move you've ever seen. And yeah, we kind of Bernie is dead.

person trying to look alive like does that kid really committed and i can see it in my mind's eye i like the girl who she has a little black bob and a blue dress and she's just just yanking her head from side to side lucy yeah it's a it's like a lucy lookalike yeah there's always like the the ones who are like kind of different coloration yeah she's like stringy hair yeah she dances like uh

Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club. Yes, completely that. If anyone remembers that specific dance. Oh, totally. She was gothy. Exactly. That girl was a young goth, you could tell. Yeah.

And then the other kid whose dance move was just standing in a cloud of his own dirt. Yeah. Don't forget his name. The fact that he had a dirt cloud. Big Ben. I know. I've been setting myself up to be the dummy. That's what I do most of the time. Thank you. Got it. Got it. Of course. Setting me up to look like I've seen a penis cartoon. The great victory of knowing. Yeah, they're like, Akilah's an intellectual. You know, she, not only does she read allegedly, but she has seen the best cartoons.

I, yeah, you have done absolutely everything. It's weird. It is very impressive, because I've always just focused on doing stand-up, and... But I envy that. I think that, like, I'm starting to realize, like, it's more and more common to be a person who has to do everything, just because, like, this industry is, like, so unstable. So it's like, you've got to be able to pivot so hard, but it's like, if I had just committed to getting good at it, but I think that I just...

What it was was I like I got this book deal and I was like well I can't write stand-up and write a book and then it turned out it took me five years to write the book anyway so I can't really write anything. Yeah, the times I've had a job writing or I realized how much I was missing performing on stage that part of stand-up. And so it's like I appreciate stand-up so much still like I try to watch most of the new specials and I think like I I just really

admire people who like committed to it and actually like got good and like have jokes that people do remember because I feel like especially making YouTube videos like it's funny to have that whole BuzzFeed conversation and it's like I mean I'm sure people remember one or two of my videos I made hundreds yeah yeah it's and that's just par for the course like I remembered that one exactly and my whole career I've been like ah should I do this YouTube thing I I did

All indicators were pointing to me making videos online and I was always intimidated by it. So good job doing that. Well, thank you. And I think like, you know, your interests pivot. So it's like the videos that I watch now are not like, I feel like sketch comedy doesn't exist on the internet anymore. Like it's just too expensive. Yeah. Which is funny because the cheapest thing you can make, but like it's expensive if you're doing it yourself. Um, and

And so, like, I watch a lot of videos of, like, women in Japan who their face is never on camera and they're mostly just like, this is my 5 a.m. morning routine. And it's just, like, captioned at the bottom and there's a cat and then they're, like, cooking. And I'm like, yeah, I don't live my life like that. My house is a mess. But, like, the music is soothing and it's just like, yeah, my eyes can relax looking at her clean house. Yes. Architectural digest, but make it move. Like, it's so...

It's like, yeah, I'm like, I guess that's what I would do now. It's funny. Yeah. My best entertainment is DIY house stuff. Why am I getting so into that? I have no projects coming up. It's satisfying. It's so fun.

And you don't have to do anything, but someone else is doing it. You're getting the mirror on satisfaction of like, oh, you just took out that old those old stairs and put in these new stairs. Yeah, it's great. I love it. I love I'll shout out one of my favorite. It's a channel called Never Too Small. I think it's like got to be owned by somebody. But because they put out videos like almost every day. But they're these like really well edited, like high quality videos international where they like go to houses that are like

and you see the way people, like, come up with storage things and whatever and, like, segment their houses so it, like, looks different. And so, like...

I just feel like I'm always not really taking literal notes, but I'm like, oh, that's a good idea. Yes. Like we all need just a drawer of tension rods because at any point we may be able to put a cobble together some tension rod thing. That's important. I would watch like that would be what's the opposite of like death row? Like what's an example of a place where I could go and just like get to watch something and it'd be good instead of like it.

counting down the days to my death. A rest home? Whatever that is. Yeah, exactly. An old folks home if I can just like beg my way in. I would spend my, the rest of my days just watching people do things with tension rods. I enjoy the people that show up

show you themselves restocking their insane kitchens. Oh, yeah. I'm like, wow, you always have that many snacks on hand? Like, I don't think that I'm alive if I'm not like, why don't I have chips? Like, I just have to be lamenting the lack of snacks. I don't have the snacks. Also, my parents were so anti-snacks that, like, we would just make ourselves toast or, like, eat crackers. You put, like, butter and sugar on it and be like, that's French toast. We're living, yes. And so watching these

women they're just like well here's the cheese sticks and here's the oreo packets where i'm like these kids yeah i'm like these kids are really living i remember i didn't have yogurt until i was at least in high school i went to a friend's house it was like the house with all the snacks and i was like mom we had something called yogurt like it was crazy yeah

So then we had like a yogurt phase. Like instead of being the house that stocked it, it was like for a month, my mom would just go ham and cheese in the yogurt aisle. Just like every flavor, mix-ins, fruit on the bottom. Now I can't get ham and cheese flavored yogurt out of my mind, but I'll get past it. I bet you if you dig far enough at Kroger, it's in the far back part. You're like, there it is. Because those sections are now so gigantic. Yeah, they're enormous. It's crazy. Everybody has a brand.

And yeah, I just, I mean, I envy it, but it's never going to be mean. Say your brand of yogurt though. Noosa. Share it. Is it Noosa? I hear it's got way too much sugar, but I'm like, don't tell me that. Who cares? It's so good. It's like the creamiest, most delicious. I get the honey. I get the lemon. I get the raspberry. Honey is my number one. So good. It's like unreal. The first time I had it, I remember I was like a record scratch in my life. So is this what yogurt could be? Like it's not that watery clump that has to be stirred into submission. There's nothing.

fucking stirring with Noosa. They don't make you, you don't have to work. It's already yogurt. It's the fruit out of my bottom. I've always said that. The like, tanginess, because is it

It's like New Zealand. Yeah, it's like Australian or New Zealand. I think maybe New Zealand. Maybe that's what New Zealand is like some sort of play on. Definitely like Southern Globe stuff. Yeah. So their cows are different. They are. Because that shit is, it's like a dessert. Every once in a while I'd like take it down and be like, this will be my dessert. Yeah. I like to try any half of it and then I'm like, okay, well I'm going to eat the rest of it. So I'll put it in the freezer and now it's ice cream. That's the one I will spend the money on now. You're...

It's not happening. He's going to try to go around like 18 lanes. I don't think it's happening though. And he's also just going to point. You know what? I am only impressed by this determination. But...

Now he's giving up. This guy's doing all kinds of stuff because like this gas station that we're at, I won't give away the location. I always thought it was a drug front. Like, look how there's no tops to the, like, what is it? Yeah. I'm like, this is absolutely not a real thing. Each pump is surrounded by police caution tape. And like, look how much, I mean, the graffiti is like, there's no screen. I don't see a screen on anything. So like, how do you pay?

Why are there cars in there? You can't get gas. They're all actors. All paid actors. The only way we're going to be able to get this drug front to keep running is if around 7pm one person just drives through and acts like they got gas. No officer. You can still get air in your tires here. Don't investigate us. It looks like a gas station. Isn't that enough? I don't think it was worth...

I applaud that man's effort. He did it. I mean, he got into the, I thought he was trying to take a left, which I was like, give up now. Yeah, I'm like, so you're going to go across eight lanes? Like, good luck, man. No way. But then he did get over there. An icon.

I think that that's why he wears that security hat that people paid attention to his authority. That's right. Hey, I'm security. I have to get to a... Oh, sorry. The security guy has to get through. Oh, yeah, yeah. Exactly. He's like, I'm doing the road. You guys need to give me some space so I can do my job securing the road.

Also, this is like the narrowest street in history, so like, God bless. Holy shit, for real. Yeah, like, I don't even know. I don't even know. It couldn't possibly be two ways, but they're like, "It is." And you know what? You're just gonna have to ram each other and see whose car has more horsepower. They're like, "Make it work."

Yeah, there's a lot of these in Echo Park where I live that then my street, for some reason, you can land an airplane. I'm so jealous. I used to live in Beverly Hills and that was like the only thing I would point to. I was like, look at when I walk my dog. It's like the whole sidewalk is like 40 feet wide. Other dogs come, they can bark at each other and still not be touching. It's really romantic. What a dream. It's like unreal. Okay, so this is like, yeah, it's not an all way. Right.

You probably already discovered that. I did. Well, also, this GPS took me on every possible road that didn't have a light. Yeah, it was acting real wazy. Oh, totally. I mean, that's for sure how it is over here. I'm just like, I'm going to drive until I find a stoplight. I'm terrified.

Just find your way through. Yeah. This is good. Akilah. I mean, I guess wherever. This is not really parking. Yes. You're a delight. I steal your. Yeah, I know. I was doing it. Yeah. Well, I was going to say, I felt like I already knew you because we followed each other on Twitter. Yeah. Forever. But I, yeah, for so long. But I didn't. And I'm delighted that I do now. The artist formerly. We're all together. Yes. And like, anytime. I'm sorry that I didn't have a better errand.

But I appreciate you. No, this is what we... We might ask you for an errand, but we really prefer aimlessly driving. Yeah. It's better. It's better for talking. I'm glad your foot is better. Yeah. I'm glad those tumors were benign. Yes, everything is back. It turns out... So, yeah, I have no excuse to be out of shape, so...

So we're going to check in in a year. Yeah, exactly. Kila's actually running. She's crying the whole time. She is moving quicker than a walk. She can move. And it's great. Well, thank you for having me. Yes, thank you. You've been the best. Thanks. You've been listening to Do You Need a Ride? D-Y-N-A-R.

This has been an Exactly Right production. Produced by Annalise Nelson. Mixed by Edson Choi. Our talent booker is Patrick Kotner. Theme song by Karen Kilgareff. Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at Dynar Podcast. That's D-Y-N-A-R Podcast. For more information, go to exactlyrightmedia.com. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.