S4 - Ep. 61 - Matt Walsh
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This is exactly right.

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Mouth horn.

Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride?

Uh, with Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do You Need a Ride? This is Chris Fairbanks. And this is Karen Kilgareff. Boy, it's been a while since I've seen you. Oh my God, how your hair looks so long. Yes, you look like it. Have you been overseas? Let's let people in. Okay, good idea. We just finished an episode. We were sugar crashing, so we decided...

Hey, let's stop this episode. Yeah. We waited one whole minute, and now we're starting anew. Now we're back. We're back. Yeah, but don't worry. We got sugar right here in the console. It's fine. Don't worry about us and eating on this show. We'll always do it for you. Yes. In the drink holder, there's large horse-sized sugar cubes. Actually, can I show you something that made me laugh, and I do not know how this got here? In the drink holder here on my side, look.

A peanut? Just one peanut? There's a peanut. And I don't, it's a full old-fashioned Mr. Peanut style. Yes. Just needs a monocle and some tap shoes and this is Mr. Peanut. Yes. A peanut. I didn't put it here. I don't eat peanuts like I'm like at a baseball game. I don't know where it came from and it's here. That is so bizarre. You have a classic 1940s roasted peanut. Just one. Put it in your mouth.

Do you dare me? Well, what's it from? Like a squirrel could have put it in there. Yeah, but he doesn't get inside that shell. The nuts are fine. Okay. Uh-oh. I think I have to do it like a full turnaround and then pull up. Right. Yeah, we can. Okay. Yeah. It's just like Uber Drive. They have to worry about it all the time. Yeah. Which side of the street are you on? Um.

Anyway, guys, peanut surprises. Am I right? It's insane. Yeah, that's almost scary. Yeah. Just because it's a haunted food from yesteryear just in your modern car. It's true. And also, even my squirrel excuse is like, well, what are you talking... Oh, wait. Am I in two different lanes right now? I think you're in the middle. But...

But I don't think... See, now we're back into one lane. You were fine. You were fine that whole time. The whole time I was. It just had the feel of... You were almost that person that we hate, the one that drives in the middle. Yes. See, now it would be bad. Yeah, now it would be. That was just bad civic design. My thing is, where would a peanut... Like, did a funny friend do the peanut thing?

And then I'm just not getting how funny that is. Right. What? I think a left or right. Sorry. It's back behind us. Yeah. Right. There's two options and I always mess it up. Oh, and now we're looking at a dead end. We're going down an alley. I take full responsibility. This is good content right here. Listener, we're in an alley. There's a porta potty. There's some garbage. You wouldn't believe what we're looking at right now.

Yes, was it? I don't. It's something very well known. But what show or movie was it where it's a meeting where you're supposed to be serious and someone just sets a Pez dispenser and it sits there and they both can't stop laughing because it's just a Pez dispenser? I don't know. Maybe it was an episode of Seinfeld.

But yeah, a friend just placing a random singular object for you to find later or to notice and you're surprised by it. But I'm truly racking my brain of like what friend has been in my car recently. Oh, the friend that put the peanut there is an apparition that is translucent and from another time. Yeah.

He is a ghost peanut friend. People are always under the misconception that a new car can't be haunted since you're the first owner. Oh, that's not true? I've seen movies recently where ghosts can travel and go to different dimensions and they don't have to stay in that house or apartment. You've seen movies about that? Yes, yes. Okay. Documentaries, so they have to be real. Okay.

Yeah. It's all real. Yeah. I've always thought about that, though. Why can't ghosts, why do they have to wear the same clothes and be in the same house? Can't they get naked and go outside and haunt another house? Guess not. The energy doesn't last. My thing is, and I know we've talked about this, I'm just so afraid of, I'm going to get caught in a bad outfit forever. And I know that for a fact, because I don't, I'm always dressing for convenience instead of like,

you know, beauty or effect. Right. And it's like, so I'm literally just going to be wearing this. Yeah. Into eternity. Oh yeah. I died sledding and your mismatched boots. Your grandpa's old jacket. I wonder if I just pull up here. Yeah. Curb up. Hey, what's up? I think we've done it. I hope so.

I'm very excited for today's guest. Me too. One of those guests that it's just exciting, but also we don't... Do you know...

No, I know people who know him, but I've never met him, don't know him. And so there's a nervousness, but that good kind of nervousness. We just have to remember to be interested ourselves. No, no, no. Yeah. We don't be ourselves. Be more interesting, interesting and interested. Right. Exactly. OK. Like, what are you what do you like? Right. Right.

I don't know. Stuff like that. I feel like that's directed towards me. I haven't been doing that. Is that what you're saying? No.

No, I'm making a joke about how you make conversation with people you don't know. Right. Where it's like, well, you... Yeah. Fine, I'll ask them about their life. Fine. Describe weird dreams I've had the moment he gets in the car. No. Please no cats with broken legs talk. No. You just can't. Absolutely not. I've...

Will not talk about animals in any way. We can't get through it. We won't make it. I will not talk about the coyote in my neighborhood. Why is it suffering somehow? I don't know. He's just walking around and seems tired. Yeah. I posted a photo of him. People were inquiring about it. So it does make sense that I give an update. Still doing okay. Looks a little better.

It was just hot that week. Get it out. Yep. Anything else you need to say? When I saw him go around the corner, he started tap dancing. I think it's just an act. He's a healthy showman. He's just trying to get people to pity him and give him bowls of water. Yeah, it is. It's one of those coyotes that 100% looks like a dog that like if you had the wrong prescription lenses, you would just put a leash on it and give it a dog bowl.

Oh, I found this dog. Aw. I think someone did that, and I think it may have been Martha Kelly. Oh, that's in the first episode of Baskets. Isn't that funny? Or one episode of Baskets. But it was... I remember when I watched it, it was based in a Martha Kelly truth. Oh, she really did it. Yeah, I think that it...

It was a story that, I don't know, we have to have Martha back on to get to the bottom of this mystery. We do need Martha back on. But we're just spinning our wheels. We have a guest today, and they're going to come out momentarily. We couldn't be more excited. Yes, very excited. And we did save for...

Munchkins for him. Oh, that's great. You know what? I'm going to close the lid. Good idea. Maybe he just thinks, oh, you bought a four-pack in a slightly larger box. Yeah, they ran out of four-pack boxes. He's like, I'm from East Coast. We know there's no four-packs. What if he talks like that? Yeah, kind of like a French guy. Get ready. Don't make fun of him for his accent. I'm from East Coast. Okay.

I don't know. We don't do accents. We don't do impressions. Never have. We do some impersonations and Karen does imitations, but we don't do voices or impressions. We are like a litigious Rich Little. My dad used to tell me. He does imitations. He doesn't do impressions. He does impersonations, not impressions. Like there was like a, which makes sense now.

Rich Little, like... Please don't yell at me, first of all. Rich Little. Karen, pull over. Rich Little used to just do the voice and say something that person would say. Right. That's an impersonation? Yeah, like he would just get on stage and go, well, the economy, Nancy and I... No jokes. There was no jokes. Gotcha. But impressions, you are much like a...

printing on a parchment you're you're you're believing an you're changing it oh it's an interpretation of the personality yes yes it's like when people do Jack Nicholson but it's Jack Nicholson doing a bunch of other shit yes exactly okay what if Jack Nicholson is

was Evil Knievel. Right. Yeah. And then someone would do, boy, that's, comedy used to be so bad. It was different. It was different. I mean, that kind of stuff was like vaudeville based, right? Right. That,

took a while to wind itself out in popular culture, but it's fun. Like, sorry, it's fun when someone can sound exactly like another person. Yes, it is. And you're not expecting it. There's a lot of really good, like, Denzel impressions that every time they make me laugh really hard. Right, yeah. And I, you would be speaking of, our pal James Adomian was just on, he, a guest on Kimmel the other night. Oh, was he? Yeah. Because for his comedy special? Yes. Wow.

That's amazing. Yeah, obviously Kimmel loves him and he's been on there as the MyPillow guy and he rattled through so many organically. And did he kill it? He killed it, yeah. Oh, I love hearing that. And Jimmy's comfortable around him, so he let him go and interject, like, and tagged a few jokes, like...

And made James laugh really hard. Like, it was perfect. Oh, great. Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Yeah, yeah. It's hard. Those kinds of things are hard because even though James Adomian himself has done a million things like that, live to tape, you know, high pressure, quote unquote, like, he's built for it.

But there's something about sitting in a chair and having to approximate a conversation that is like next tier difficulty for most people. Right. Unless you sit next to each other and podcast all the time. Like you and I, it'd be a breeze in the wind. So easy. It'd be a skip in the park. We'd breeze it up. Yeah. Because I'm a real windbag. Do we let our guests know? I feel now that we're...

Sometimes when you're in front of someone's house this long, you think the neighbors are going to be like, "That's it. I'm calling someone." Yeah. Well, you don't have to call someone because we're the feds. That would be my answer if anyone actually... We're in a K car. We're both wearing solid black.

We both have shades on. Yeah. We are clearly, you don't want us in your neighborhood. If we were driving right by right now, we would stop and interrogate us. Yes, we would be like, are you creeps and don't stare at neighbors. Yeah, are you a weirdo? No, you have a uniform and you're part of a security. Okay, thank you. Okay, sounds good. We asked for directions from that guy. That was so funny.

and immediately realized he was legit. Never mind, we'll just use the giant laptop that is glued to the dashboard. Thanks, security guard. That was fun. Not enough time has passed with that, to be nostalgic of it. No, no, it needs, yeah. That was a few months ago. We need like three years. Darn it. I gotta go only early 2000s. See, what I'm talking about is what's happening.

Do they need to leave? Hey, are you pulling out? We're just waiting for the neighbor to get in the car. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. We can pull up, though, if somebody's coming to get you. Hey, how are you? That worked out perfectly. Sorry, I just opened it. Oh, that's great.

Oh, that was a classic. What happened? I love the classic. Nice to see you. Nice to see you, yeah. You know, from clubs and colleges across the country, put your ears together for Matt Walsh, everyone. That was one of those classic, like the time I thought a valet guy was coming to take my car at UCB, at Bird's or whatever, they have the valet guy thing.

And the guy just got in my car and sat there. And then I realized he thought I was the Uber driver. That's happened many times. I thought that neighbor was going to be like, move it along. Yeah. Yeah, I thought so too. We're just like, shit, sorry. No, he had the confused look in his eye. I think that he was just, he thought he had just called an Uber. Anyway.

Hi, Matt. Hi, you guys. Hi. Thank you for joining us. I'm excited. I'm excited. We are as well. That's what we were just saying before you got in the car. I love it. It's a nice car, too. I was expecting like a, I don't know, just a Junker. Yeah, no way. Not on this show. You guys are first class. I love it. Yeah, that was the first few seasons, the Junker era. I won't besmirch my neighbors, but there was a time when I thought they were mobbed up. Oh, yeah.

So the gentleman that you were talking to, I was like, uh-oh. Yes. He just shoots us both in the back of the head. Well, no, they're lovely, but it's also like...

I was a little worried, like, uh-oh. Yes, he had a connected, like, physique. Like, he could handle himself. But then I saw his kind face. Yes, they're very kind. Yeah, there's no way. Even though he looks like a soprano that lifts weights. His necklace is really big. Yeah. I mean, like, you're asking for it, if you're going to wear a necklace that big, I think.

Yeah. He was not upset. But we're not profiling people by their body type or their jewelry. Of course not. No, but those two things combined, of course we will. What choice do we have? Certainly not on their own body type or jewelry, but that combined with his scent, the fragrance he chose.

Oh, was there a lot of, I didn't get a lot of fragrance. I just, I came in the back door. Oh, it wafted in and it's just a memory now. You smell terrific, by the way. I appreciate it. Yes. I appreciate it. I put a little cologne on so I don't, I was working out in the yard, so I didn't want to be like sweaty. How's it going? What's going down? Uh, what's going down? I was thinking we could get some chicken feed today. Perfect. Uh, in Burbank, but I don't know if it's still open.

How many chickens? We have seven chickens right now. Wow. And we get about two or three eggs a day. And I started during the pandemic and I built a janky coop on my own. And my wife was like, you got to get rid of that. That looks like Sanford and Son live here. So did you have someone come over that makes catios and chicken coops for a living? Yeah, there's a place in Lompoc, California.

California called Dare to Dream and you can order chickens and you can order chicken coops and they can, you can even get like probably like perennial flowers and stuff. They're kind of a farm friendly, uh, agriculture business and it's just past Santa Barbara up there. So I ordered it and they came in and they built, they didn't really build it. They just set it up and level it off and put the, hung the doors on it. So that's so cool. Yeah, it is cool. It is nice. How often do they produce eggs?

Yeah, I get like two or three a day. And then we used to have roosters, but the roosters... Too loud? No, because it's kind of busy corner. Nobody complains. I've actually gotten letters from neighbors who say they love the roosters. Oh. They just slip it in the mailbox and say like, I can't tell you how nice it is to have a bit of country in this busy city. What if that's your neighbors threatening you in a way that you don't realize? Oh, it's like passive aggressive? No. No.

- Love those chickens. - No. - You're like, wait, what do you mean? - It wasn't from those neighbors. It was from a different neighbor. Honey, we got another rooster love letter. Just like two people. And we know the family, so I think it's sincere. But the roosters, one was killed by a hawk. - Oh. - But he was defending the hen, so that was his glory day. - Aw, did you, do you have kids? - Yeah, we have three. - And so that must've been hard.

By the time they're grown up, the kids have sort of lost their attachment to him a little bit. But yeah, it was a little gory. Yeah. It was a little hard, yeah. That was my first thought. It's like, because it's so hard to even have a cat that lives outdoors in Los Angeles. Yeah. But I feel like you're not in a coyote area. No. The coyotes, we've never had a coyote in the yard. It's a little too busy. And, uh...

but what's interesting about roosters is there's we had two roosters so there's always an alpha and we got them as chicks and they were called blackie and scrawny and scrawny was kind of the runt and blackie was the alpha so the alpha would sleep on the roost with like two female hens and scrawny would sleep underneath them and basically get pooped on you know it was the pecking order but then

I was gone for a while, and my wife's like, Scrawny's the alpha. I don't know what happened, but now Scrawny's the alpha. And it flipped. Ow. So they must have settled some scuffle in the yard some night. Yeah. And then Blackie was down below getting pooped on, and Scrawny was up on the perch with the hens. Wow, maybe it just switches back and forth periodically. It's weird, right? Yeah. You wouldn't think, like, once...

In an animal documentary, if the two lions fight and he's the alpha, the other one just accepts it, right? Like he's not always trying to win it back. Maybe if there's, if the group is small enough, then the beta is like, I got to get this back. I got to, I got to switch this up. Well, what's funny is he tries to get one hen that's his girl and he'll go off to the side and then black, you'll see it and he'll get jealous and he'll chase him off. So he's always kind of circling with his one girl that is sort of loyal to him.

But if Blackie, and if Blackie's got his girl, so he's usually not, it's not a problem, but if he sees, if it bugs him, he'll chase him away. Are they really girls? Is there intimacy? Do they have like, this is my girlfriend, right?

day they do kind of have a favorite you know boy it's got to get messy when that switches it's like well now he's the alpha and i'm seeing his girlfriend yeah that does get messy and the hens any new if you introduce like a new adolescent chicken like say you so sometimes they eat something and they'll die they'll eat a piece of spring or plastic in the yard whatever and you get a new one but we don't we'll get adolescence we don't get like the babies

And they get picked on, the new ones. The hens will be very like peck, peck and make sure they know that they're no big deal and stay away from my rooster kind of stuff. - How is it as far as just having a pet? Are they like, "Hey, I'm happy to see you. Let's hang out." Is there any of that, like, you know, like having a cat or a dog? Are they actual? - I think they are curious and they do have personalities and some are more forward.

But roosters always attack you. Like, if you're in the yard, they'll chase you away. Even if you raised him as a chick, there's no, like, memory of, like, oh, he's the guy who took care of me when I was a baby. Right. No gratitude. No gratitude. And then...

Uh, they're curious and they, I think that I'm the paired stimulus because I feed them. They always think it's feeding time when they see me. So as soon as I get out of the car, they'll all run and follow me. Yeah. And, uh, but the roosters will sneak up on you and peck you when you least expect it. Like if I just a stranger went into that coop, they would go straight for my face, right? They would run away. If the roosters were in there, they would go after your legs. They wouldn't, they don't get up high.

I was doing a show in Denver and stayed at someone's house, and they had a giant turkey in the backyard. And it was really intimidating and very related, immediately I could tell, to a dinosaur. Like talons, scaly talons, and a way of moving their head around that was very Jurassic to me. They're weird looking, huh? Yeah, and mean, too.

Oh, really? Yeah. I don't think I've been around turkeys. It was not a turkey I would pardon. I would just let it happen. But aren't turkeys known to be kind of stupid?

I think they're not as, maybe not as threatening only because they kind of can't get it together to attack you. Right. The violence this one felt towards me, he wasn't thinking it through. So you think they're violent because of their insecurity about their intelligence? Yeah. You know, I was just... Because they didn't go to college. I know everyone thinks I'm dumb. That sort of applies to humans. Not dumb.

Who are you looking at? We'll fight you. What's going on over there? You got a problem? Yeah, and to make up for it, this turkey had a jacked up black truck. So scary. Yeah, I think it was a turkey that knew it was going to have a bad day on Thanksgiving. Not to get graphic, but I think it was. You think they sense it? This was an actual guy raising turkeys for food. So he got a turkey, more than one turkey? There used to be more.

And I didn't want to hear the story about that. Just Thanksgiving? The story of Thanksgiving? Yeah, the story of Thanksgiving. The buckles on the shoes, it gets boring. Now, Matt, when this prices of eggs went through the roof, did you feel a sense of accomplishment and like you had beaten the system because you had eggs? It's nice to grow your own food, especially like it started during the pandemic when nobody knew

What was happening and like there were people rushing at the store and it's like I don't know how long this is gonna be weird and so it is nice to like grow your own food it is and I don't know that we saved a ton of money and

But are we getting pulled over by me? Wait. Okay. It's there. It's a right here. Keep going. I'll tell you where it is. You got a wrong address. Oh, okay. I wondered, I'm like this blue house. Okay. No, it's a business. It's by the stables. Oh yeah. That makes sense. The equestrian area. That makes sense. But they may be closed, but we'll see it. People selling chicken feed out of their bedroom window.

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So you guys travel, right? For comedy? Yeah. Or you have? Yes, there's times when that's all I do and now it's more periodic, but... I was just in like Pennsylvania and upstate New York and I feel like...

Houses are businesses more than they are in LA and California. You know what I mean? Like that house would be like the tax guy and he would have a shingle and that one would be like a shoe repair guy and he would have a thing in front of the house. But it's like totally...

Suburban area. Yeah. Yeah, I miss that. I used to live in Austin, Texas, and one, there was no building codes. If you wanted to make your house four stories tall, it seems like you could just do it. Really? Yeah, and so many houses were bars or corner stores. Really? Yeah. And...

little modification just like yep we have a yellow curb and a sign but it just looks like someone's house and I thought that was so cool it is cool it is because then you can get a Kit Kat whenever you need it wherever you need it yeah yeah I knock on somebody's door I it's so weird when you find out after a couple blocks you've been in a race

Well, we beat you, guy on the bike. We win. It is funny during rush hour when the same bike keeps passing you. It's like, oh, you are winning. Ultimately, you are right in this argument. You win this argument. You are winning this race. I like the, and this is, I've seen it in Wisconsin, but I hear, like, it's also on the East Coast, but the houses that are bars. So you're literally walking in and it's someone's living room, but it's a bar. Yeah.

I do too. I like that. They have that around like Lambeau Field when you go see a Packer game. And you are literally in someone's like, there's family pictures up. It's just like their living room, but it's a bar. Kind of great. It is. I find that interesting. Yeah. And everyone in that neighborhood is part owner of the team, right? Isn't that? Yes. The Packers are owned by like the municipality. Yeah. That's how Dell computers used to be.

Is that right? Like the town owned it? Well, I remember when I keep bringing up Austin, I'm leading up to my big talk about the big stinking improv festival. And if you ever went to that, clap means you did. But yeah, it...

Like early on, I think you could, it was a publicly traded, much like Tesla, I believe. But there are people that never worked for Dell. They just were an early investor in it or a stockholder. I know very little about finance. And now they're just kids out where Dell used to be, where the comedy club Cap City now is. And it's young people in Lamborghinis. And it's like...

A lot of people got rich off of Dell in a way that, again, I don't understand and feel I shouldn't have brought up. But I was in an improv group in Montana and we went to the Big Stinking Improv Festival. Oh, cool. It was only there a couple of years and I don't recall if you and the Upright Citizens Brigade were there. We did do the Big Stinking Improv Festival one year. I just remember the...

Learning about that all good improvisers are basically from Chicago. You know, like there was, we did the annoyance that Joe Bill guy was there and we learned about. Horse sighting. Yeah. It's right past the horse rentals. You'll pull in to the parking lot. I like that instead of a sign, they just have horses in the area. Yeah, this parking lot here, Karen. Okay. I don't know if they're open. Like so? Yeah.

I'll just see. This is the best. Open seven days. But they might close. I don't know. Tricky tack. All right. You guys keep talking, I guess? We have little breaks all the time. Oh, you do? Yeah. All right. Let's go see if they're open. This could be really quick. We have treats for you, too. We only ate a few of them. Oh, my God. They're munchkins. They're very similar to a donut hole. Will you get me something? If it's open, I will.

some just a single peanut it comes back with a peanut could you get me three more peanuts all right they're closed oh no they close at five oh oh they were shit sorry that's okay other errands we can okay great i have to go to lens crafters okay let's do this you guys want to go to lens crafters

Isn't that super boring? We get glasses in about an hour. This is such a brilliant offer. Right? How can I not exploit you guys? Right? I mean...

That's the guy who would have loaded my chick speed. I always tip him a dollar or two. You guys talk about tipping on one episode. That's why I was like, whenever somebody loads something, I do give him cash. Oh, of course. I've never driven through here. I think because it's prohibited. I'm from the country. I always back out. I'm not afraid to go down a dirt road if you need to. Where are you from? From Petaluma up in Northern California. Okay.

- I don't know it, but I believe it. - It's pretty small, went on to Ryder's from there. But we did 4-H growing up, and so we-- - Oh, wow. - We did chickens because they were easier. My aunt had a farm, we did sheep, and she kept the sheep on her farm.

But then we did chickens and my dad just built a coop and we had like four chickens and of course named them and got really involved with them. And then something killed them one night. Yeah. They all died very terribly one night where it was like, oh, no more of that. Like no more getting attached to farm animals. Yeah. Every critter...

including humans, loves to eat chickens. The minute you get chickens, the word is out. Coyotes, hawks, possums, hobos, everybody is on the lookout to slaughter those things. They're so delicious. They really are. And the poor animals, like it always happens. It always ends in tragedy. Yeah.

But egg chickens, they can survive. Was that the bike guy? I think so. Different bike guy. Different one. Oh, the other guy. There's a third. The other guy has changed outfits and is lying on his couch now. Yeah. Should we go to LensCrafters? Absolutely. Yeah. All right. Let's go left, I think. Are you getting a new lens, new frames? I'm picking up.

Tell me if I'm being an annoying guest, by the way, by having you do errands with me. No, no, no. Not at all. No, it used to be, we used to go to the airport and swear and sweat the whole time because we thought our guests would miss a flight. Like, anything is less stressful than that. Oh, God, I would never do that to you. I never even ask people to pick me up at the airport. Yeah, yeah. It's so stressful. No, no one should ask that. Let's go left here. I think I can get us there.

yeah chickens are like the delicious thing that everybody wants to kill yeah but that's cool you're in the 4h that's real farm it was pretty farmy i mean we were like the furthest out from it my dad used to joke that we were like gentlemen farmers but um but it was actually kind of a fun

I like that people are getting into it now because it does make sense. It's like people during COVID, like I'm going to learn to make bread and I'm going to learn to do all these things. It's like, right. We should all know how to do stuff like this. Yeah. Or like raise animals or whatever. And then also doing it yourself and not being part of all those industries, which if you look into them are all bad. Yeah.

Yeah, and it's kind of like greener because you're reusing like your table scraps to feed the chickens. And then my friends give me their used egg cartons and then I give them eggs, you know, and it's kind of like a little...

there's less trucking involved in the whole process. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's a smaller, tinier improvement, I guess, on your footprint. Yeah. It's funny how any interest in it will lead towards some level of environmentalism. I think so. I think it is a little, but I mean, I still am disgusted with how much consumerism rules our lives, but yes, it's so crazy, isn't it? Yeah.

It's like in the 90s when I was in college and there would be people who would talk about capitalism and fuck capitalism. I'd be like, what are you talking? That's just how everything works. And now the idea that that's kind of becoming the way the thing people are talking about of like.

This is crushing all of us. It's like, oh, I get it. Now this makes sense. We don't all need 1,000 choices of a plastic thing. Yeah, it's not just the thing the kid with the mohawk writes on his notebook. There's actually a lot of meaning behind it.

The Anarchy Kid? Yeah, yeah. The Anarchy Kid was right. He wasn't just stone. It's so funny. It's just a cool logo. I was writing Anarchy, Dead Kennedys, a band I had not listened to. I was just into graphic design more than anything. I studied abroad in Austria my junior year of college.

And when I moved back, I went to college in Northern Illinois. We rented a house with some friends and there were those people had written anarchy everywhere. And it's the same slogan as like a Austria sticker on a car. So I thought people were really into Austria. The people who lived there before us were really into Austria. Yeah.

Oh, that's great. I'm like, that's so random. Like, I was just in Austria. It looks just like that sticker that people in Austria put on the back of their bumper. The Austria, the A with the circle around it.

And I'm like, wow. I wonder if I knew them. That's so funny. Isn't that funny? That is hilarious. This must be the transfer student house. Also, because Austria is kind of obscure of all the countries that I've ever heard of people going to. Did it have to do with your major? No, a girl on my dorm floor freshman year came back and she was a friend. And she was like, you have to go to...

Austria for it because our school had an exchange program. I'm like, why? And she's like, because we traveled everywhere. It's in the middle of Europe and every weekend we went to Italy and Hungary and Poland and Norway and we were back for school on Monday. Oh, that's cool. And so I'm like, maybe I will and she planted the seed and then I, junior year, I didn't know what I was doing. I was kind of lost. I'm like,

Can I ask my parents? They said, you can go for a year. And it was affordable. And I ended up going for a whole year. Wow. Yeah. And what was it like? I mean, can you give us a little. Was it like Willy Wonka? It was very good. So much chocolate. Very good beer. It was American students living basically in the stables from the Sound of Music in Salzburg, Austria. It was gorgeous. But it was the Castle Stables and our school was the stables.

It was a bunch of kids from Rochester Institute of Design that were photography students. And then a bunch of kids from Miami of Ohio and Northern Illinois. Different schools had American programs over there. And all the... Everyone lived with an Austrian family. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was pretty interesting. And it was wonderful. And I had to learn to speak German. Yeah. And you were there a whole year. I was there a whole year. And the month between...

Semesters I my roommate was from there was a bunch of kids from Tokyo Japan That were part of the program weirdly and my roommate was from Tokyo so the month between the fall and winter we live we basically lived in Turkey we knocked around Turkey because it was so cheap and I'd never been to Turkey and that was like mind-bogglingly interesting I want to go to Turkey really bad because they have all those really old mosaics and

Did you go to the mosaic museum where it's basically like they're from 3,000 years ago? There's a town called Ephesus that they brought back all these mosaics, but I don't know if it's where the museum is. You can go left here. I think this might serve us. But I don't know. But yeah, what's amazing about Turkey is there's so much ancient history there, and it's not like Greece. Everybody thinks Greece had everything, but they had tons of stuff happening in that.

area too. Yeah. Yeah. Anywhere you go, you realize how much older everywhere is than America. Yeah. Like Italy, you're in a 7-Eleven and then there's a column in the parking lot that's 2000 BC and it's got a plaque on it. It's like, what?

When I was in England, I went through a graveyard because, you know, it's kind of cool to see that people died in 1680 or whatever. And I saw a tombstone from the 1700s and it was the guy's name and it wrote, he had the quote, help, there's beetles and worms down here. No. And to me that a guy...

Hundreds of years ago, wanted that joke on his tombstone made me so happy. Like a joke tombstone. And this guy was like, yeah, he died of old age at 40 and wanted... It was just so great to me. That's pretty funny. I love... There was one, I think it was another English one. Oh yeah, there's the LensCrafters. There it is. I think I've done to this one. His tombstone said, born a man, died a baker. Oh, that's great. Isn't that funny? Yeah.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. It is kind of fun to like-- I don't know if that I would-- I mean, I guess I haven't planned on doing that. Having a comic epitaph on your tombstone? Yeah, let's figure them out.

That would be like ballsy. I think that that's what I'm impressed with the most. People that aren't horrified to die. That's what I'm impressed with. Well, it kind of doesn't matter either, obviously. You're gone. Right. Your family might be like, oh no, we don't want that. Yeah. Yeah. But that's when you say, don't be selfish. This is my tombstone. Yeah. Right? That's what I'll put on my tombstone. There it is. Shut up, mom.

I'm in here combing my hair. Stop knocking. Now, have you guys ever been to a LensCrafters? Does that interest you? I mean, I've...

I'm a Warby Parker guy. I normally am too, but I was in a rush and I lost my glasses when I was out of state. And I'm like, I just called them and said, can you just print me up another pair of glasses? That's what I did. I got these exact lenses, went to the improv. They were two days old. I sat them down somewhere. Someone grabbed them, assuming, hey, these are my Warby Parkers in a case.

And they never were found again. I went and bought the exact same ones. Here's $500 again a week later. Exactly. Which also, it's all marked up. Well, you'll see when you go in. Yeah, you'll see when you go in. What do you mean?

What am I going to see? Well, it just costs $35 to make. We all pay $800 to get glasses, and it's just a scam. I know it is a scam. I prepaid. I think it came in around $500 for everything. We're just getting you excited by letting you know it's a ripoff. That unbuckled me. But they're needed. They're needed. I know.

We'll be back with Matt Walsh. I've never done that. I know, that's cool. Freshly made ravioli or hand-pulled ramen noodles. When you dine with Chase Sapphire Reserve, either will be amazing because it's the choice between a front row seat at the chef's table while getting a live demo of how to make ravioli or dining family style as you hear the story behind your ramen broth. This weekend, it's ravioli. Next weekend, ramen.

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Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast here to tell you about Michelob Ultra Courtside. It's getting fans closer to the NBA with a chance to win prizes like Courtside seats, a trip to All-Star Weekend, and much more. Check it out at MichelobUltra.com slash Courtside. Michelob Ultra Superior Access, Courtside 24-25 sweepstakes, no purchase necessary. Open to U.S. residents 21 and up.

Begins on October 1st, 2024. Ends July 1st, 2025. Multiple entry periods. Visit micklobalture.com slash courtside for free entry, entry deadlines, and official rules. Message and data rates may apply. Void where prohibited. It's just something different. Yes. But also it's fucking Matt Walsh. Like, do what you want. And it's little breaks, yeah. You're the coolest. You have to bring up a time when you guys were hung out, so. We didn't, though. I can't. I went out. I dated a guy that...

Was kind of like friends with him, but more of like just worshipped him. And so I met him once through that guy. But this was literally the year 2000. So I was completely just assuming, especially with the career he's had. Right. I was just like, it's nice to meet you. And I fucking do that every time where you don't have to say those words and you can slip out of any relationship.

social awkwardness and I just do it every time. Yeah. I've started saying, cause it's usable. If you have met someone or not, I just always say, it's good to see you. I don't say again. I know. It's good to see you. No, I did mean for the first time. And you can't prove I didn't. Yeah. Yeah. I used to actually get my glasses at this lens crafters cause I worked close by and lived to look like this.

And it was so frustrating because I'd always be like, yeah, I just don't want these rectangular, you know, like it was like early 2000s and everything was like rectangular. Oh, right. Black rectangular glasses. I was like, yeah, could I get a different kind? And it was just like there was no other option. Those are back now. They shan't be.

I really don't like them. And I see them sometimes, or round ones. Oh, man. My sister got me some readers that were just, where's Waldo, round. And I'm like, what? She's like, oh, I thought they're quirky. I'm like, no. Yeah. Chris, look at me right now. Those are different. Those look like they flip up. You know what I'm talking about. These were turtle shell, Sally, Jesse, Raphael, small, big.

Little guys. But those are round and cool. Maybe I'm wrong. Well, it's just the personality. What did I miss? Let's see them. Did you get them? This goes over. Yeah. I'm wearing them. Those are them? Yeah. Are those they? See, those are great. These are the Ray-Bans. You can't go wrong with that classic aviator. Yeah, those are great. It's a classic. And then they asked me...

Are you on the podcast right now? Well, tell me what I missed. What were you guys talking about? I don't want to be rude. You're going to have to listen to the episode to tell me. Are you shit-talking me? Yeah. Let him in. Doesn't he look old? Oh.

Oh my God, I'm so surprised. It's where they have that limp and it switches sides. It's a nightmare. And then you have a totally different experience and you're like, that was really fun. I love them. They're so friendly. It felt like doing errands on a Saturday with friends. Yeah, like being with old friends. Did you want to bring up

The other guy? That guy? Oh, just to say, have you ever had problems with people mistaking you for the right-wing pundit Matt Walsh? Not in person, but on the internets, yeah. Not lately, but yeah, because he's very...

He's like a conservative provocateur who says awful things to get the left all wound up and then people come at me. Oh, no. And I'm like, I'm not him. I don't I didn't write a book. You know, so people do come at you. Not lately. Like, I think it's kind of known. But when he's like spiking or trending after some awful thing he said.

Someone out of the woodwork will come out of nowhere and maybe follow me for the first day or something. You know what I mean? And then go, you're an asshole. And I'm like, or I don't respond. Right. But it's unfortunate. Did you take money from Russia though? No. I've never taken money from Russia. Okay. I didn't make a movie about what is a woman. Right.

I don't poke the left and say things I don't necessarily believe. Yeah, what was almost when I first moved to Los Angeles, there was a

I'm Chris Fairbanks and this guy is Christopher Fairbanks and he was he had been on Comedy Central and he had done some stand-up but he is mostly an actor and he had been on that TV show Hunter but but we didn't look he was tall he looked like Martin Mull from Night Court or you know that kind of a figure and that's where the good donut place is right over there and

In here. Oh, it's called Donut Prince. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. That's like one from the Donut King documentary. I'll try one. There's a few in there. It's probably as good.

But did it limit you or were you often confused? I was like, I don't understand. First of all, I don't know what IMDb is. I'm not worried about credit. I don't even know what you're talking about. He was concerned more than I was and was coming to shows that I was doing. Really? And like, hey, we got to take care of this. Yeah.

Take care of it. Yeah. He was worried that I was going to go by Christopher because that was his. He's like, do you just go by Chris or Christopher? I said, I'll just go by Chris and you go by Christopher and keep being a foot taller than me. And yeah. And then and I still talk to him every now and then. He's actually a nice guy. But what made it weird was we both had comedy credits. Was his SAG name the same as yours?

No, yeah, he went by Christopher. I've always kind of wanted to go by Christopher. I thought it sounded more professional, but it makes people think of that Columbus prick. Yeah, that's true. So I just stayed Chris and he's Christopher.

And that was the end of it. I would be scared if someone showed up at a show to discuss the business they believed that we had. Yeah. That would be, I would be like, I can't, I can't talk to him. Multiple times. Yeah. Yeah. Really? But then he was really nice about it. I just, I was like, oh, he was free again tonight also. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm not talking bad about the guy. No, no, no. Even though that's clearly the new thing. He probably listens. I'm sure he listens. Everyone does. He's scrolling through and name-checking himself on this episode. Mark all of that. He finally mentioned me.

Well, he was being, I think he was being an adult about it. Right. But I would be nervous and intimidated if somebody started coming by my shows and going, hey, man, we got to talk about the name thing. Yeah. I'd be like, whatever you want.

Yeah, I was still in my 20s, and yes, he very much was an adult, and that's why it was intimidating. I probably didn't know how to talk back then. I've only learned in recent years how to communicate with other adult men. You've gotten good at it. Yeah, yeah, way practice. Are there any Karen Kilgareffs?

Yes, my cousin John actually married a woman named Karen. So there's a Karen Kilgariff that I get to talk to like a couple times a year who, from when my podcast got popular, reports to me all the shit that happens to her because of that.

So there's like an actual, and she lives in Sacramento, which is where I tried to go to college, but didn't do a very good job at it. So that's kind of funny. Just out of interest, and who else has my name? There was like a professional bodybuilder that had won some national competitions and a fireman that did a lot of heroic things during 9-11.

Oh. And so I was... Wait, sorry. Two different people or that's one? These are all Chris Fairbanks's. Different guys. Bodybuilder is not the fireman. Different guy, yeah. Yeah, but it's just Google imaging, usually looking for myself. And then all of a sudden there's a ripped guy and a patriotic hero. And then five more and then me. But I had the meeting where they're like, so what do you...

I didn't know it was a pitch meeting because I was young and dumb and full of you know what? I'm sorry. We edit on this all the time. So things like that. Take out all the curse words. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I should have just said it. Anyway, I pitched, oh, what about, I don't know, a reality show where I live with this other comedian, Chris Fairbanks, and a fireman named Chris Fairbanks, and a bodybuilder named Chris Fairbanks, and we have to live in a house. And it was during...

reality house shows being what everyone wanted and they were like we like that and I'm like oh no and I just didn't pick up the phone for a while that problem went away I'm like I don't want to do that you sold a show in the room and you're like nope this isn't going to work it got a slight green thumb laughing

Yeah, it should have. That is funny. You scared yourself. I did. How long was the Upper Heights Citizens Brigade a group before it was a TV show or did it happen around the same time? We were a group in the early 90s in Chicago and we got a

TV show in 98. Okay. It was a great TV show. Thank you. It was great. I really loved watching it. Was it on MTV or Comedy Central? Comedy Central. I'm sorry I brought up MTV. There's that goddamn group, The State.

They were like rivals when we were kids. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, they had a show when we landed in New York. And I think it was just ending when we got to New York. How bad do you want to fist fight? But I'm friends with like David Wayne and all those guys. Tom Lennon. Like, it doesn't matter. I noticed you didn't say Michael Ian Black.

Mike Liam Black. I've done shows with Mike Liam Black. So have I. Yeah. He's funny. Yeah, he is. I visited his house in Savannah, Georgia. Oh, now I've dug a hole. Now I've dug a hole. No, I know him. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. We get along swimmingly. I feel like the 90s competition, though, was its own era. And then also, I think it made people like try really hard. It's like you guys wanted to, you know, be as good if not beat the state. That's always good.

Were you part of Mr. Show? I was part of Mr. Show. Writing, performing? Just performing. Just performing. Yeah. Really? Yeah, that was like a standard. I would see shows when you guys were taping, I think before we had a show. Oh, really? I would come to LA for whatever, pilot season and...

I knew people like, you know, Jerry Miner that were circling. Hoffman. And so I knew them from Chicago. And so I would go see tapings and I loosely got to know Bob and David a little bit, maybe. It's such a cool, like, happenstance for me where, like, obviously didn't know those guys moved to L.A. And just we all started doing shows at the same place.

And so it was kind of like a little group formed just purely around more of the people, like people that everybody liked to drink together. And then it was like, but we also are doing this show and then we all think the other people are funny. It was like, what a great, I don't know, what a lucky thing to be able to kind of fall into that, those relationships. Yeah. Yes, I agree. And I think that's the easier part of being a sketch performer versus a standup.

There's that community bit of camaraderie and you do things together. You collaborate together, but you also drink too much together. Right. I did love the drinking part. Yeah. I moved to Austin fully intending on doing improv and then just started doing stand-up and it was so hard to do both that...

I just, because I wasn't presented with a group that like, oh, these are all my friends and I could see myself hanging out with them. If you don't have that going into it, maybe it's harder to think about doing it. But stand-ups, just by yourself. And I could be lazy and not show up. It's only me that I'm disappointed in. Stand-ups are harder, though. I think it's a much harder...

uh art form well it's but i took a i don't know i took a improv class probably

like around 2002 or something, I was so scared. It was from Chris Barnes. Oh, I know who he is. Yeah. He's a Chicago guy. Loved him. He was such a good teacher. And I went with my friend who was actually signed up for the class and I, she made me go and I was like, fine, I'll just go. And then we're going out after. And I was like, fine, I'll just sit in the back and I'll say I'm auditing. And of course, Chris Barnes was like, no, no, no, get up here. You're doing it with us. And I was like,

And it was that kind of thing where it's like, I'm such a control freak. And I don't the way I'm used to being funny is like all my idea. And I don't know what else is involved. And that idea of like, no, no, you have to, first of all, not be funny and just figure out a reality and then be there and then figure something out together. Everything about that was so scary to me. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah. That is scary. But you're not having to deliver a laugh. Yeah. Yeah.

And the beauty of, so yeah, that is scary. I understand that. But I feel like stand up, because I did stand up in Chicago for probably a year and a half in like, say, early 90s, late 80s. And it was like kind of like anyone who had 15 minutes was like going up to Milwaukee and doing a half hour. You know what I mean? It was the boom. And so they were just grabbing you and making you perform more than you had material for. Yeah. And that was a roller coaster of up and down, just like good nights, bad nights. But you're like,

alone in a hotel in Milwaukee and you're like, "The whole audience hated you." - Yes. It's so dumb. - And then you're like, "Am I worthy of hate? Maybe they are right." - They are right. - Maybe this self-loathing that I'm feeling is justified. Yeah, it's still the hardest part is the hotel room by yourself afterwards.

Yeah. Yeah. That's why you got to love Law & Order because Law & Order will be there. And if you meet Law & Order halfway, you'll be fine. It'll like help you forget? Yeah. Really? It did for me. That soothing ping pong. And you were able to say, I am funny. Fuck those people. I am funny. God damn it.

That's great, because I don't think I found that show or that, I don't know, that practice. That consolation. Yeah, I didn't have that practice. It was like hard to shake. But it was really cool, like the lesson I learned in improv, which is kind of like, how about you relax and let something fun happen as opposed to actually believing that you're going to control this into...

Like that was, it was a great experience and kind of like after a while I was like, oh, this makes so much more sense and this skill set is such a larger skill set than just

Listen to me. Right. There's all the things I made up. I would, I would panic and go for a laugh and I could hear the rest of the group kind of disappointingly sigh because I, and I'm like, Oh, I'm maybe bad at this. And I, all I want is to get laughs and it's at the expense of,

what everyone else was trying to build in that moment. And I'm like, well, maybe I'm not good at this. Yeah. Uh, I think my early improv mistakes were like, Oh, I know how to be funny. You just talk all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

And I shudder to think how terrible I must have been in my earliest shows. Just trying to fill silence. It's like, no, totally. That's not it. If I stop talking, I'll hear that they're not laughing. If I just rattle through it, yeah. I still do that. But it seems like with stand-up, the first guys I opened for, like Bob Zaney, wasn't he a...

Was he a Chicago guy? Oh. Uncle Larry Reap. Like, there was all these guys that... They were around when I was doing it, yeah. Yeah, I would travel and... Surprise, you're in a condo with this guy that's been doing it for 25 years already, and they seem to not enjoy it, and I'm just getting excited about it. But it seems like everyone was...

Everyone I opened for. Jon Bazar. Everyone was from Chicago. All of the stand-ups. You are from such a... Because you grew up near Chicago, right? Yeah, I was born on the south side and lived in Chicago until I was like 11 or 12. And then we moved to the suburbs. So, yeah. I spent most of my life in the Chicago area. Yeah, that's so cool. And...

And yeah, I got lucky growing up in Montana. Of course, it's not even an option. I had to like accidentally fall into it. Did you go to first LA or first Austin? First to Austin. Yeah. And stayed there a few years. And I just followed a girlfriend that had like her life planned and was like, I'm going to teach at UT and then

And I was like, can I come? And then she was like, you should do stand-up. Thank God she was there to make me start doing it because I probably would have...

just drank and skateboarded. Yeah. So it's, but yeah, all the, we studied Chicago. The fact that you studied with that Del, like you knew Del Close when he was alive and worked with him, right? I did. I took classes with Del Close. I'm that old. That's great. I touched the old man's cloth. That's so great. Cause we've read the book. I remember my first story. We like got that truth and comedy book and we're like, okay, we have to read this and learn.

And went to Austin for the big stinking. Yeah. And I guess maybe we met the Naked Babies guys. Yes. And that's... They went down there, yeah. Yeah, and we were like, well, let's... We were somehow in, like, a long-form thing with that. All we had ever done was short games, like freeze tag and stuff. I didn't even know about this world of long-form and heralds and sketches and...

I saw how good they were and I was like, eh. I think that's what talked me into doing Scandalf. I don't want to have to work this hard. Yeah, Rob Corddry and all those guys. Well, it's funny. I know Rob and Husky and Seth and John Bowie. Yeah, they're still the sweetest guys. Yeah. But I think Corddry told me when they did that festival for the first time, they were so new, they thought like,

wow, how do we handle it when all these managers and agents come to us after our show with a big stake in their mouth? Like they thought it was all going to change because that I think was one of their first breaks. That's so funny. But we all have that like, wow, it's going to all change after like, you know, my show's on Comedy Central for four episodes. Yeah, I thought that too. And I thought that they had been doing it forever. They were so good at it. And I learned a lot from them.

And then when I moved here, they were working at the UCB at Franklin. Or at least Seth was there. Yeah. Seth was an artistic director there. Yeah, yeah. How much were you a part of opening those...

those theaters? Well, the one in LA, I mean, I opened them all. The one in LA didn't open until like, uh, uh, me and Ian got out here. I think Bester was here for a couple of years. Sure. And then the Franklin space opened when like Ian and I were out here. So it was kind of like, once we were all in one city, we were like, we should probably open one here. So yeah. Good idea. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just cause there was enough standup going on.

at least once or twice a week that I felt like that was kind of my, oddly, my home standup club. And I wasn't doing any of the learning that the school taught.

It was just a cool... Like the Comedy Bang Bang and stuff you were doing? Yeah. Yeah, that was a hot show. Comedy Death Ray. Comedy Death Ray, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a big show, yeah. Yeah, it was... Which used to be at M Bar, right? Yes. Yeah. That's where the other Christopher Fairbanks first approached me. Oh. Yeah. Is there a plaque, like, where you guys had your sit-down and brokered the piece? Two hands. Yeah. Yeah.

Just a perfectly symmetrical handshake. And had that bronzed. Yeah. Yeah, that was... Are you serious? This is a sticky one, yeah. This is not a... Could we do this? Should I? It's funny that we just were talking about how terrifying this is. How awful this fucking thing is. Go hang the Yui. Yeah, do that. Yeah, you did it.

It's a tricky one. It's not a great one. I thought they stayed back a little far on that. Yeah, it's hard to guess what people are up to on that intersection. So...

Living so close to that, do you experience that or do you kind of have it down now? I kind of know how to play it. Yeah. But I wasn't thinking I was having a conversation. I should have been a better assistant on that. Look at this little theater. Isn't that cool? I didn't know that was there. The Brick House. Brick House Theater. Shout out to the Brick House, guys. Yeah. Theater is still alive. Yeah, we're brand new with a vintage looking sign. Yeah. Yeah.

I was gonna ask you guys when I got my glasses, they asked me for the warranty. Do you guys ever get warranties when you buy like a stereo or a TV or a pair of glasses? The word warranty just means my dad. It's something my dad would do and of course I should, but no. I never do. Ever. Because I asked her, I'm like, well, so does it cover them if I lose them? And she's like, no, just if something like is broken.

But only up to a certain point, probably. Yeah. And it's $250 or something? I didn't ask. I didn't go down that road. One thing all three of us should do when we purchase our next pocket computer, iPhone, it's for $11 a month.

you get the lost or stolen insurance. I think we have that on our like plan, our family plan. I think that is worth it. Yeah. I can't imagine getting a new phone, losing it and then continuing to pay for it. That's what would happen. Yeah. I mean that. Yeah. And yeah, that would be nasty. Luckily pick an iPhone is like if you had no discount and you wanted to get the, what are they on? 16. Yeah. Is that like $1,200? I don't even know.

Like without a trade in value, right? Because I wanted to keep my old one as my, hey, let me try and become a TikTok comedian filming phone. And... This will motivate me. I'm not going to have the $1,200 one on a tripod in the back of a dark room. You know what I mean? Let me... The one that has an amazing camera, I'll keep that in my pants. And the old one...

I'll just get a new one. But yeah, we should all get warranties is the point. Yeah. My new filmmaker identity requires me to get the most expensive and get me a tripod. My thing is that for warranties, do I know where that paperwork is when the thing happens? Because I can't keep track of anything. Yeah. And oftentimes it feels like...

Anytime you're like, oh, wait, maybe the warranty could help me out here. It's like that expired three weeks ago. Yeah. Yes. So there is a timing issue. It's like you're paying, but you're only being covered for a little bit, it feels like. Yeah. And if it's a good, like, if it's Sony or like a Kenmore dishwasher, they have a good warranty from the company, hopefully. Right. They have a record of it. That's the hope. My hope, yeah. You're still...

for most of it. Yeah, it's on their computer somewhere. Should I go around or should I... You can go around and we'll figure out like...

I think I'm getting kicked out. I think the show's dropping in ratings. You're sensing, like, are people logging off? We're clicking off. It's so weird. We asked to know, and then it's like, yeah, unfortunately, this is what's going on. He's not testing well. No, it's not that. We just got word you got the wrong prescription. Oh, I do have to pick up a prescription. We got quad focus. CVS. There's no need for four zones of vision in one lens. We got to go back.

I know that you have, I believe, 20 brothers and sisters. Six. But I one night did a show at an Italian restaurant. I don't know any more than that. But I was hanging out with this group of guys and we got very drunk and I had so much fun and we were riffing. And at the end, one of them was your brother.

Probably my brother, Pat. It maybe was. Yeah. He lives in the Valley. Yeah. He lives in LA. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Probably Vitello's maybe. It was Vitello's. Yeah. That was one of his old hangs. That's so funny. Cause I was, I had a great time with your brother one night and I knew I'd probably never see him again. Yeah. And, uh, and at the last minute he mentioned you're his brother and I'm like, that guy's the best. Yeah. He is funny. He is a good guy. Yeah. He's a,

It's like the only family I have here in LA. Like everybody else is in Chicago or... I thought maybe you would know who I was talking about because all your siblings probably didn't move to Los Angeles. No. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Three sisters and three brothers. Wow.

That's amazing. That's a nice Irish family. It's a nice Irish Catholic family. It is. A conservative Irish Catholic family. It is, very much so, yeah. It's about as big as they get these days. Yeah. Any bigger and, boy, it's a business. Although when I was in Pennsylvania and there was a guy...

and his wife, and they had 10 foster children. Oh, wow. I visited their farm. They're kind of an Amish country, and they're like a nice Christian couple, and doing this lovely thing of like taking problematic children into their home and adopting them slowly. And I'm like, that's a crazy big family, especially...

You can pull into the driveway if you want. Just nudge in for safety reasons. Oh, perfect. Yeah. Just put your nose right up to the gate. So much more soothing. And touch it and then push it a little bit. Well, just so like you don't feel like you're going to get hit or honked at. Yes, for sure. But that's a big family. Ten foster children of all different backgrounds. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that is. Yeah, maybe one day I'll do that.

You don't advise it? I'd be a great father to someone clearly in need. To 10 immediately. Matt, do you have anything to plug? Or should we be watching anything or thinking about anything that you are working on? I'm really liking Murders in the Building. Oh, yeah? I'm not on it. That's the show I'm really into that I wait for every week. Okay. Um...

There's a movie I did with Nick Jonas called The Good Half, which I think drops on Hulu next month. Cool. Elizabeth Shue and Brittany Snow. Really good cast. Really nice movie. Nick Jonas is good. He was in that MMA, that kingdom. Was he? He's a good, I mean, he's a good talent, obviously. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. That'll be great.

I will watch it. Yeah. And I do a podcast like you guys where we watch, except ours, we rewatch episodes of Veep.

Oh, really? It's called Second in Command. Oh, I didn't know that existed. Yeah. Well, a lot of people don't know it exists. Well, we have to tell them because I love these. It's called Second in Command and it's me and Tim Simons and we have all sorts of people from the show. I'll 100% let you know that. That's great. That's so cool. Yeah. It's a good excuse to talk to people from the show and then have random guests on as well. Because you guys must have like a rabbit fan base. I mean, that show was big for a while. Yeah.

Yeah, people are hardcore fans of that show, and people strangely...

Still watch it and they watch it to go to sleep to which is weird. They find it comforting To watch that of all shows which I find surprising. Yeah, there's something about I find that comforting to sometimes like come home from a long Stressful day at work and you're like now I want to watch someone else be stressed out at work. That makes me feel better Really? Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Like so what do you if I may ask what do you watch to? Wind down at the end of the night. Is there like a law and order?

Like you mentioned when you were in stand-up world. I can't look at Law & Order anymore because of all that trauma and damage. No, right now my show is King of the Hill. And I'm actually in the... Yeah, I've just been plowing through because there's 13 seasons. It's so good. It's written so perfectly. And it's about things. And it's like moving. And I had no idea. I always was like, oh, this is just a bunch of like...

texting guy jokes. Before it was syndicated anywhere in Austin, it just played around the clock. There's like a King of the Hill channel. So I didn't, I'm like, oh, apparently that, I didn't realize other states were also watching it because it seems. Because it's also on Hulu and it's like, I gotta watch it. They're,

It's almost like the conservative, the reasonable conservative man is represented and they don't ever get it wrong. So there it's, it's like what the late nineties, early two thousands, but there's never anything that you go, I wish they didn't say that or any of those kinds of like, no one else is a victim to any of that comedy. And it is the way they do it is like, seems miraculous to me because Mike judge is a genius. He's so good. And Toby Huss,

does every fucking voice on the show. Oh, does he? Oh, really? It is like anyone who isn't Hank Hill or Bobby Hill is Toby. It's wild. Because I love Toby and he's the best. But I was like, hold it. Wait, that teacher was Toby. Wait, that mechanic was Toby. And you just realize he's doing all of these voices.

It's wild. I can't see him and not think Frank Sinatra from year four of MTV. Like, that's who he is. He does a great Frank Sinatra. That's kind of my dream, though, too, is to do an animation voice. Have you ever done... I've never, like, been a...

like a regular part of an animation show. No, I've done like a drop in here and there. Have you ever done that? I got to do it on, there was a show called Craig of the Creek and they had my kids know that it's a, yeah, it was like a cartoon network show. And me and Georgia, who I do the other podcasts with were like two high school goth girls. I didn't know about that. That's awesome. And it was like the first time we did it,

having to hear myself and be like, oh, this, I don't know how to do this. Like, they just asked us to do it for, like, fun times or whatever. But I was like, everybody else on that show, voice acting is such a skill, obviously. And I was like, oh, I wish I had this skill now that I'm doing it. Because it's, it has this, like,

There's a whole kind of fullness to it and a way you have to act that is only this. That like, as I was doing it, I was like, man, I'm starting to get what skill this takes. Did they ask you back or it was only for one thing? No, we did it for a couple years. Well, then you must have been great. What are you talking about? It couldn't have been too bad, but I'm just saying it made me really appreciate...

what like the cast members on that show, which were like, they were young people in their, in their twenties playing like grammar school students were fucking amazing. Like every time we were there, when they were there, I was like, this is incredible. So I don't know. It's a, it's a cool thing. And also it's like, I don't know. Anytime I see any of those people or it's like Bob's burgers, all those people where you're like, yeah, you just get what's,

fun sounding and like you just made a character that I believe is real. It's so cool. I can't believe you did that for two years and I have no knowledge of it. I have a lot of secrets. The goth girl, what's the character's name? We were, I have no idea. The goth girls on Craig of the Creek. Craig of the Creek that pretended to be witches. We tried to scare the little kids by acting like we were witches. I feel like you could make a couple phone calls Matt and you could be

voice on whatever cartoon you want. If only showbiz was that easy, Chris. It is for you. I love how you think I'm a bigger fish than I am. No, you're a huge fish. Really quick, let's just pitch out a couple ideas. So there's Chicken Man, which is just the story of a regular guy in the valley trying to raise chickens. Yeah. Like getting through week to week and raise chickens. I'll green thumb that. Okay. Let's, uh,

Thank you for... If there's one... I don't care if I get a voiceover job. I just want a large screen phone. Thank you. I want to be whatever voice I can. Yeah. I mean, let's animate this, guys. Guys. You know I'm into it. I just want to show up somewhere every day in sweatpants. And what is your name? Annalise. I'll play Annalise. Perfect. Because she's a regular cast member. Sorry, Annalise. Not to be rude. No, no, no.

But I want to be a regular. I don't want to just be like a one-timer. I've never done a regular on a lease. That's all I'm saying. I can't believe we've pitched green-thumbed, green-lit, and red-signed. Do you need a ride? Let me know how I can help with the character look. Okay. Or whatever. I don't need to sign off. I trust you guys. Do you think you should? Is it too...

uh, ham handed that you would also look like a little bit like a chicken. If you were, I think it's great. Okay. I'm all about yes. And to get this animation, whatever it takes, we can make it in North Korea too. Honestly, I don't have ethical issues about where we get this animated. Yeah. And some of the money comes out of Libya. Hey, uh,

I mean, I don't know. I don't want to know where the money's coming from. You guys seem up front, so I don't want to ask too many questions. You are the other Matt Walsh. You are the other Matt Walsh. I knew it. I knew we'd get that out of you at some point. No, I would have spoken more awful things. Sorry, kids. If you didn't want to draw on an assembly line, why'd you get good at drawing? Sorry. Not our fault.

uh matt you've been the best oh thank you guys this was lovely thank you so much i was really excited and uh it's such a wonderful idea to do a show like this oh thanks i really had fun come back anytime you have other stuff to get done i will around town i will reach out and i won't ask you to do errands anymore and you can though well i feel like it's awkward to leave the conversation

No, no. No. We cut that out. You guys fill it. We don't care. There's bells, but we do sound effects. They're fully work. I go in and punch these slabs of beef. There's all these after things that we do. After effects? After, thank you, yes. Adobe after effects. I go in, do a swirling logo. What's the name of your podcast with Tim? Second in Command. Second in Command. Nice. I'm excited to listen to that. Yeah, it's pretty fun. Awesome. It's pretty fun.

Thanks, Matt. This is the Tesla. Yeah. We got to talk about this. It's the old press and push. It's not intuitive. No, it isn't. All right. Thank you guys. Really lovely. It's great to see you. He was great. Yay. You've been listening to Do You Need a Ride? D-Y-N-A-R.

This has been an Exactly Right production. Our senior producer is Annalise Nelson. Mixed by Edson Choi. Our talent booker is Patrick Kottner. Theme song by Karen Kilgariff. Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at Dynar Podcast. That's D-Y-N-A-R Podcast. For more information, go to exactlyrightmedia.com. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.