Do I Have Grounds for Divorce?
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Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Joanna, welcome to the program. Yes, hi there, Dr. Laura. Hi. Hi. I wrote out what I wanted to say. Is it okay if I read it to you or do you want me to just wing it? You do what you think will make it the most clear. Okay, perfect. So I will read it out.

Okay. Okay. I've been wanting to make this phone call for a few years now, but I keep putting it off. God, you're patient. I feel like I can't continue with the way things are. And I need your advice before I make a life altering.

decision for my family. It's regarding my marriage. I am committed to staying in it for the kids, but I don't know if I'm actually doing the right thing. I want to know if staying is the best thing for the kids or if I'm doing more damage to them by keeping them in this environment. Well, you'll have to describe the environment because you do understand if they're minor kids and you divorce,

likely the kids will be back and forth, so they will still be experiencing some part of the environment. Plus, you and or he will fool around with other people. That brings more chaos to the kids' lives. They don't have a place, and they've got two parents who don't like each other, and they have different rules in each place, so they get confused and they get combative.

Usually against the mother. So when I and there's more that I could go on to what I'm. Yeah, please. Let me just say that. So you have to convince me that the current environment is worse than that. OK, so this is the situation. I'm 42. My husband's 50.

We've been married for 12 years. First marriage for both of us. We have three kids, girl, boy, girl, and they're 11, 9, and 7. I'm a stay-at-home mom. Well, things couldn't have been so bad. You were having sex with them. This is true. This is all true. So...

I'm usually home with the kids. I work during the day when they're at school. No, I really don't need all this information. I want you to specifically draw a picture in my mind of how this environment is so bad that it has to be torn up. Okay. So the problem is that my husband has barely any interaction with the family. He gets home from work. Okay. Number two. Number two.

That's not worth tearing the family apart for because he is physically there and he does interact and they know he's there. OK. Yes. So next. That's where he is. I don't care where he is. OK. Do you understand what I said? The complete destruction of their lives happens when you divorce. So tell me what's so bad that we have to do that. You haven't told me yet.

Which is exactly my point. So this is why I'm calling. Okay. So I believe he's a functioning alcoholic. He hasn't gone a day without beer, but he's not visibly drinking and he doesn't drink in front of the kids. He drinks in the garage. So that's my second concern. My third concern is just the lack of interaction like when he is around us.

He is, though he's not there, he is always... Okay, nothing you said is worth tearing their lives apart. Nothing. Okay. I understand this is annoying, but I can't imagine you dated him for two years and he wasn't communicative and you married him. So I want to know what happened that made him shut down. I think I was just...

So wanting to leave my current home and be on my own and be with someone that I ignored a lot of stuff. I definitely ignored a lot of stuff. I still don't know what you're talking about. And understand this, your joy, pleasure in life is secondary to the environment you create for your kids. And a split household divorce is the worst environment. There's no violence here.

You didn't answer my question, my last question, which was, I'll repeat it. Okay. I doubt when you married him and kept having sex and making babies and all of that, that he was withdrawn. So I want to know what made him pull back. What threats, what criticism, what failures, what not, you not acting loving toward him. Something made him pull back. If we understand that, then maybe we can draw him back in.

So instead of bitching about the same thing, he's withdrawn. Why? Why did he withdraw? What happened? I think he's withdrawn because I complained to him about the lack of time he helps me when the children were younger. And he, during those years,

Fights, and they weren't really fights. We don't argue. That's the thing about our household. It's peaceful. Okay. You criticize and complained. What other things did you criticize and complain about? About honesty? What else? Yes, honestly. I never asked him. I even told him during our arguments, I don't ask you to help around the house. I don't ask you to clean. I just ask you to be here with the kids and help me with the children. And he would get defensive and he would say mean things such as,

well, you must really not, you must really hate your kids if spending so much time with them is an issue for you. Like that kind of stuff, like you would just throw jobs. And so I wouldn't, I wouldn't raise these things. At that point, instead of waiting three years, you should have called me at that point because there's something that he's afraid of. And instead of beating him up and saying, that's all I want, I don't...

I mean, you didn't make them feel loved, wanted, and okay. And that's really our purview as women-wives. They get their first notion that they're wonderful or not from their mothers, and then it passes on to us. When we're dating them, they're wonderful. They can't do enough. They're just wonderful. Whatever they do is terrific.

And then once we get married and have kids and have responsibilities, women tend to beat up on their men. I think that's the primary direction it goes in. Not interested in sex when you have the kids or you're tired or the hormones. We are complex creatures and we forget they have emotions. Men tend to not participate in something if they feel they can't do it well, that they will be criticized. I'm just throwing that out at you.

So sometimes guys, if they haven't had a lot of siblings or whatever, I'm just throwing things out now, just trying to get you to think of a bigger picture here. They don't know exactly what to do with a little baby girl, for example. Little boy, they can throw little boys around, throw balls, they cry, it's no big deal. Sometimes they just don't feel comfortable knowing what the hell to do with a toddler or a female.

So these are the things we understand. I don't think it's hopeless. I'd like to put you on hold. I don't want to terminate this call. I'd like to put you on hold. And without you getting defensive, please, because we want to salvage the situation, because I think this is salvageable. Think back everything you know about him. So I'm going to want you to think. I'm going to go into a break, come back, and hopefully, hopefully you will come up with some

understanding as to why he would be so uncomfortable. Because if we could turn that around, the world will change. The whole world will change. Women tend to look at men, if they don't do something right, they're bad. And we nag and criticize. And that never made a man want to do more. Never. So I'm going to ask you to think what could make him uncomfortable to do these interactions with you and the kids.

What made him pull back? Because even if you have to be embarrassed saying what it is, if we know, we can pull him back. And then things would be lovely like you anticipated on your wedding day. So let me put you on hold. I'm going to take a break. And hopefully we will get to the core issue here. Instead of just hitting the eject button on a guy, let's face it. Women are naturally better at relating. We are. They can't compete with us in that.

We are the core that holds the families together. It's the women, not the men. The men get dragged along. We're going to Aunt Mercy's house on Tuesday. Okay. You know, that's just the way it is. I have eight guys on my sailboat crew. Can everybody do such and such on that day? Everybody had to go home and ask the boss. And that's what they call their wife, the boss. I have to ask the boss if it's okay. That's reality.

We have so much power over men. And when we notice that they're withdrawing and not participating, instead of, you should participate more, we have to figure out what's keeping him from that. What's making him feel comfortable to roll on the floor with a kid? Maybe when he rolls on the floor with a kid, the wife-mother goes, oh, you shouldn't be doing that. That's dangerous. Who knows?

In the years that I was practicing, that's the sort of stuff I'd hear. And the guys went, I just left it to her. And then she'd yell at me that I'm not doing anything. But when I did it, I got yelled at anyway. So what the hell? I used to feed the kids. And then she went, no, you can't give them Cheerios. They'll choke and die. Okay. Give me a list of how they'll choke and die. And then they just don't want to participate. So it's complicated. Let's figure it out before we want to trash it and make him a bad guy who comes home from working hard

goes into his garage to do guy stuff and has a beer or two and gets crap for that too. Sometimes I'm surprised guys come home. So let's all you women types out there start thinking. What is it you want from your man? And how can we draw it out?

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RxBAR, the proud sponsor of No BS. Use code RxBAR on RxBAR.com for 25% off. Subject to full terms and conditions and to change. Valid until September 30, 2025 and may not be combined with other offers. See RxBAR.com for full details and limitations. Going back to Joanna. Okay, my dear. I am hoping you had a revelation you would like to share that will give us the power to resurrect your husband. Um...

So I was thinking about what you asked. And in terms of our personalities, I think that's part of the problem is where he's very passive. And I'm a type A. So everything from the beginning kind of was the way I wanted it to be. Good insight. I'm aware of that. I know that I like to control things. But I'm not sure if I...

If I didn't, like if I in that way contributed to him not feeling wanted or needed, like I felt that I did dote on him, but maybe not enough. I don't know. I don't think this has anything to do with doting on him. I think it has to do with control and criticism, the two Cs. Okay. Okay. Because you're a doer and you backed him up, you know.

backed him up against a wall. He couldn't please you enough, so he stopped. So how do I fix it? Turn this around? I'm sorry, how do you turn this around? Is that a yes? Yes, how do I fix it? Okay, okay. Find tiny things. Just start being very observant and find tiny things that he does in the right direction and go, oh, I was very touched when

You kissed little George on his head. I was so touched by that picture. Or that was a big help when you hung out or took somebody in the garage and showed them what you were doing. Find something. Instead of saying, oh, I wish you would take the kid into the... Find something. The kid was in the garage and he wanted to know how you were doing such and such. You want to show him that? Because he was very excited about it. Something which draws him in.

Guys don't do well with lectures, as you've learned. They don't do well with mommy being disappointed, frustrated, irritated. They don't do well with that. Guys withdraw. They go into possum mode. You have the power, the same way you had the power to back him into possum mode. You have the power to draw him out. It'll take a bit. It's not going to happen in a week, a day, a month.

It's going to happen over time. But you're going to see a difference when you seduce it out with approval, appreciation, tiny things. Because once he starts feeling, oh, it's safe to come out now, they'll start coming out. Okay. Just like little kitty cats and puppies. If they start feeling safe, they come out from under the couch. You know what I mean? Yes. You have that power. That's how powerful we are as females. We are the ultimate power.

So use it benevolently and you will see a wonderful difference. So just focus on finding little things to compliment him when he does, that he does well. Right. Doesn't have to do it well. Just has to do it. It doesn't have to be perfect at it. Okay. See, you're already intense. That was good. I like that. All right. And call me back like next week or something.

Because you're going to start seeing little changes and you're going to get so excited. But you're going to have to shut your mouth at times that you're dying to say, why aren't you? Okay. It's going to take self-control. So walk around with carrots, fresh carrots. You feel like just start chewing on a carrot. Okay. And it's good for you. All right. We've got a plan.

All right, Joanna, get back to me. My number, 1-800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the Dr. Laura stamp of approval. Visit drlaura.com, click on sponsors to take advantage of the special discounts available to Dr. Laura listeners like you.

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