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cover of episode How Do I Discipline My 17-year-old Son?

How Do I Discipline My 17-year-old Son?

2025/5/9
logo of podcast Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Dr. Laura Call of the Day

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Margaret: 我儿子一直以来都是个听话的孩子,学习努力,生活自律。但最近他沉迷于社交媒体,这让我很焦虑。他认为如果不使用社交媒体就会错过很多事情,而这些事情对他未来的职业规划(投资银行)至关重要。我尝试过限制他的手机使用时间,但效果不佳,反而让他变得更加固执。现在,我不知道该如何处理这种情况,我和他之间已经产生了隔阂,他甚至不愿意和我沟通。 我尝试过惩罚,但没有效果。我担心他会因为沉迷社交媒体而影响学业和未来发展。我需要帮助来改善我们之间的关系,并引导他正确使用社交媒体。 Dr. Laura: Margaret,你的儿子正处于青春期,这很正常。我不认为沉迷社交媒体对于他未来的投资银行家职业是必要的。与其惩罚他,不如尝试奖励他。如果他能减少社交媒体的使用,你可以为他提供一些奖励,例如支付大学学费或其他他想要的东西。这比惩罚更有效,也能让他感受到你的支持和理解。 现在的孩子不像以前那样害怕父母的权威,你需要用尊重的态度和他沟通,设定明确的界限,并让他承担选择的后果。不要过度关注他的消极情绪,专注于设定和坚持界限。让他明白,这是他自己的选择,他要为自己的行为负责。你可以告诉他,如果他能够减少社交媒体的使用,你将为他提供相应的奖励;如果他违反约定,这些奖励就会取消。这是一种让他学会承担责任的方式。 记住,你是一个母亲,也是一个家庭的领导者。你需要坚定地做出决定,并让他明白你的决定是不可改变的。不要再和他进行无谓的争论,给他一个拥抱,然后离开。让他自己去思考和选择。这比任何惩罚都更有效果。

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Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now. It pays to discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card based on the February 2024 Nelson report.

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Margaret, welcome to the program. Hi, how are you? Good, Margaret. How can I help? Okay, thank you very much for taking my call. I'm a 45-year-old mother of a 17-year-old boy and

And by every definition, he's been a really good kid all growing up. He's a hard worker. He's made great choices the whole bit. Throughout his years, we have been very careful with phones. And he didn't have a phone until he was a freshman in high school. As a sophomore, we figured out that the high schools make it really difficult not to have some sort of a different phone that we provided.

And so we gave him a smartphone that was very, very dumbed down. It's never been a problem. This year, he's a senior heading out to college. And he came to me and said, you know, I'm really getting left out of a lot of different things because I'm not on. Like what? Like what? What is he getting locked out of that's important to his future?

Sure. It's just like all of his friends would go and do things, and the way that they communicate is on a social media app versus text messaging. I'm sorry. Answer my question and have your son answer the question. What are you missing out on that's important for your future? What does he want to do for a living? Does he know yet? Now? Yes. He's mentioned investment banking.

Investment banking. Is your husband a banker? No, but he has a cousin that's gone into it and is really excited about it. So that's where he got the idea. Well, ask him what... Okay. Hey, I'm trying to help. So here's the deal. I don't think he needs any of that to be successful as an investment banker. Sure. Which is fine. Ask him to prove me wrong. We...

Ask him to prove me wrong, and if he proves me wrong, then you can all sit there and assess this. I would suggest you reward him for avoiding these things. Say, you know what? You keep off all this stuff, and when you go to college, we'll pay for the books. We'll do this. We'll do that. If you keep up all that crap, we will help you more than normal. And that's where it starts.

I agree with you, Dr. Laura, and that's where we are. So the usage became excessive. Okay, but what's wrong with what I did? Okay, what is there that you haven't told me that relates more to what you need my help for? Well, where I really need your help is we put down a consequence, which is... No, I said no consequence. I didn't say consequence. I gave you the exact opposite.

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Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now. It pays to discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card based on the February 2024 Nelson report.

Okay. I love that approach and I will take that approach. My concern is because of our confrontation or it wasn't really a conversation. He has dug his heels in and he's become very, very, very obstinate and stubborn in the last two days. He's a 17 year old boy who doesn't want to hear shit from his mom and dad about what he wants to do with apps. Okay. Nothing new about that in today's culture.

culture. Today's culture, teenagers are not afraid of their parents anymore. They're not afraid of them with actual fear. They're not afraid of them with respect. They're not afraid. So they say things like that. You have to take them on as honor and say, we're going to take you on your honor. If you stop doing that altogether, these are the wonderful things that you will benefit from. The choice is yours. If you want to partake in all of that, these benefits will not happen. It's up to you.

That's how you treat a young male adult. It's up to you. You make the choice. And if he spends all his time on the apps, screw him. That's it. Who cares? You don't give him all those benefits. That's it. It's called the real world. I love that. I think that's great advice. Can I just ask one more question? Of course.

Thank you. As of right now, he's, you know, giving us the cold shoulder. That'll change. OK, stop talking. Stop. Stop. Gosh darn. It's like I'm not telling you anything. I just told you how to handle it. Don't worry about his attitude. That's just him trying to break you down. Don't worry about that. So this is how it's going to be. You know,

You stop the apps and make a list of the things that he could get in the next four years. And it'll be on the honor system. And if we ever find out you're lying to us, you'll have to pay for college yourself somehow. He's supposed to become a man. Give him the opportunity. He's 17. He's going off to college. And he's either a man of his word and a man of honor or he's not. Leave that up to him. There comes a point in time with your kids where you cannot manipulate them anymore.

You can just tell them the limits of what you will do based on whatever foundation you lay. That's a big shift in the way I'm thinking. So I like this. So if I might reiterate what you said to me, just if I want to make sure I have it right, I'm talking to him and I'm saying, Hey, thank you. These are the things that you will be provided with. If you on your honor go off of these apps, because they're not beneficial to your life. And again,

Again, it's the honor system. And if we find out you're lying, then it all goes, you know, it goes away. But you get to make your decisions. You're soon to be an adult. And at this point, these are the benefits you get. And if you don't do them, they go away. You know, become a man. Perfect. That's what I'm saying to him. That's it. And then stop talking. Don't say too much. And then give him a hug and walk out of the room. There's no discussion after that.

No discussion. No negotiation. No discussion. This is, you're the parent. You're the matriarch. This is your decision. He lives with it and makes his choice. That's what adults do. They get the parameters and they make a choice. And he'll have to live with the choice.

And in the meantime, with his, like he won't even talk to us. He takes off on his bike, you know. Okay. He's having a temper tantrum. Margaret, I just told you a minute and a half ago, just let that part go, please. Just let that part go. Okay. Stop the controlling. He's just manipulating you. His parents, especially mothers, get obsessed. He won't talk to me. You know, don't worry about that. Just don't worry about it. That's temporary. Okay.

Okay? Okay. I just am trying to do the very best I can. I appreciate it very much. You know what? I know you are, and I support you. Thank you. You're welcome. My number for whatever you need to talk about, 1-800-375-

2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

Okay, we've got Katie's project, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow? Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure, man. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now, Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes. Okay.

Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply.