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Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Amy, welcome to the program. Hi.
Hi, Dr. Laura. I'm a big fan of yours. I'm 48 years old. Yes. I've been listening to you for a long time. I'm 48. I am married. I've been married to my husband for five years. We have a three-year-old daughter. And my question to you is,
Basically, I want to know. Okay, so recently, my husband and I have been going to couples therapy to try to improve the way we connect. Why? To improve the way. You connected good enough. Woohoo! Can you hear me? Hello? Yeah, I'm trying to get you to be quiet. Oh, sure. Sorry. Go ahead. How long did you date before marriage? Three years. Okay.
How did you connect for three years? Enough to get married. Tell me how you guys connected for three years. Through traveling and activities. That was our main way of connecting. Activities, we both love biking. Not making love? Oh, we like to do that too. Biking. Isn't that a more personal way to connect? Yeah, absolutely. That was definitely one of the ways we connected.
And did you watch movies together and then talk about them? We did. And that actually is a good segue to what we're going through now is, um,
We would talk about it, but I would, I'm a talker more than he is. And the way that I connect, and this has kind of been solidified or like brought to light in therapy, is I connect through talking and talking about the day, talking about how I felt about something. Ma'am, that has nothing to do with connecting.
Oh, yeah. Therapist didn't bring that to your attention. You yapping about your day is not connecting to your man. It isn't. This is what I love to hear. Tell me more. Making love, listening to him, cuddling, doing cute little things for him, calling him, texting him, cooking his favorite cookies. Yeah. This is connecting to a man. Bike riding is not connecting to a man.
traveling is not connecting to a man. You yapping is not connecting to a man. When you think about the three years, I bet you did all sorts of sweet little things to make him think of you, remember you when you were not together. Right. So I asked you how you connected and you gave me nonsense. So let's go back to the three years and tell me the sweet things. Please stop annotating things.
You do talk too much. Okay. When somebody else is talking, don't make noise. Got it. When your husband is talking, don't make noise. When he senses that you're just willing to jump in, he disconnects because he's not being, shh, you're doing it now. Nothing. Don't make noise. Sit quietly and listen. Okay.
Damn. So now let's go back to the three years you were dating and tell me the cute things you did for him, including your lipstick, your perfume, your hair, and how you dressed. Go ahead. Okay. So one of the things he traveled...
a ton more when we were dating more than he now he doesn't travel at all for work, but he was traveling probably 50% of the time overseas. And so I would leave him like notes under the pillow, um, like in his suitcase and things like that. And he is very sentimental. So I would see that he would keep them in him. He's kept every note that I've ever written him. Um, and,
And so I think that's one of the things that he cherished. Stop. Stop. S-T-O-P. Stop and don't make noise while I'm talking. Okay. Good practice for you. You just said okay. While I'm talking, I don't want to hear anything from you. All right. Okay? So you already know he's sentimental about you connecting through little notes and things that tell him you're thinking of him and you love him.
You needed to go to therapy, spend money, accuse each other of stuff, go into an artificial situation and come up with things that were not resonating with the two of you anyway. I love the concept of therapy. I'm a therapist, not in practice anymore. I understand that. But like a mother, her job is to get the kids out. A therapist's job is to get the patients out. Okay. You already know what to do.
He leaves to go to the grocery. He leaves to go to work. He leaves to visit his mother. He leaves all the time. And you know how it helps when you acknowledge him. Did you know that skin care can start in the laundry room?
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When men do not feel loved, acknowledged, when they're frustrated with their women, they shut off, shut down, and disconnect. And that's primarily why I tell women, we have the power. We turn on the sweetness again, and they respond almost immediately. They were born of a woman, mom, and their whole upbringing is dealing with this woman who's hugging them, loving them, kissing them, playing with them, etc.,
It's very easy to manipulate a man in a good way with your femininity. It doesn't require years of psychotherapy and blaming each other for anything and coming up with superficial or incidental things. You've got to turn on the femininity. You have a kid. Generally, after a kid, women tend to shut down being feminine with their men. And that leaves the men dangling in the universe, wondering why they got married.
So save yourself a lot of cash and turn the femininity back on. And no, it isn't per se activities. I mean, those are really good when people have things, they go golfing together, whatever. That is really nice. And that everybody can still do the bicycling. However, it's the femininity that brings them in. Can I say something? Yeah, this is super helpful. As long as it doesn't sound defensive.
No, no. What he shared is that when, so there's two parts. The first thing is he said, well, I connect through actions. And I, and I said, well, honey, I love that you connect through actions and I acknowledge, and I do acknowledge. Both the therapist and you, I believe misunderstood what he meant. He meant that you do things.
Sorry? That you'd be more proactive. That you're more proactive than you've been. Women who have kids tend to be proactive toward their kids and curtail that kind of being active with their husbands. You want to connect with him? When you wake up tomorrow morning, roll on top of him and start kissing him. That's a connection right there. And that is the most fundamental one for a man, that his woman wants him.
So I have a question for you. He, I would like to know more examples. I like that one example, but can you share a few more with me? Read the book. Read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Okay. I'll give you a lot of examples in the book. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Paperback, inexpensive. I will. I,
I read it like 20 years ago and I loved it. So I'll read it again because I forgot. Good idea. But one thing that he did say, though, is that he doesn't want to know when because he's a very he's very helpful. He cleans up the kitchen when I'm putting our daughter to bed and he's very like handy in the house and everything. And I always say, oh, thank you so much. And he says, please don't say that. Like, this is just what I do.
And so he almost gets annoyed when I thank him. That has nothing to do with connecting. And I like his attitude. Okay, this is what I need to know. But what if he did something wonderful in the kitchen and you gave him a full body hug and said, thank you. I don't think he'll show annoyance. Men are very physically oriented. Very. That's wonderful. They're like puppies. They need constant physicality. They breathe it in.
So instead of going, thank you, making him, I like his attitude because basically what he's saying with that is, oh, I'm expected to do that. You know, I'm the man, I'm the husband and I'm expected to do that. Don't make it sound like, you know what I mean? So instead of that, what if you just gave him a full body hug or went behind him and put your hands around his waist and gave him a kiss on the neck? If you can reach his neck, I don't know how tall he is.
He'll understand that. Just say thank you with a physical touch. This is actually the whole thing is so simple. And sometimes this kind of going into couples therapy, the therapist has to come up with some stuff. Right. You're paying them. All you need to do, tears aside, is to turn on the femininity. You need to trust me on this. No, thank you. I will.
Thank you. Because it's so simple. And the less talking, the better. Okay. And you're crying now because? You're so happy because it's so simple? Because it's so profound. No, it's so profound. Thank you. It is. And I'm happy you said that. And you're going to turn your marriage 180 degrees in 24 hours. Okay. The man's not going to know what hit him. Thank you, Dr. Laura. Okay. I'll do that tonight. Did you ever do...
Did you ever do a naughty dance to get into your jammies in front of him? No, tell me what that is. I don't know what that is. I don't know. You go in the shower, you come out, and you slowly put on your jammies in front of him. Okay. You see how simple it is? Yeah. Honest to God, when I was in private practice, the last thing I wanted to do with married couples was to have them talk it into the grave.
Because by and large, one or both of them would come up with something they never should have said. Right. Because everybody's trying to give something. They're trying to say something. You know, so what is it you want? Oh, shit, I have to come up with something. Well, what is it you want? Well, what is she not doing that you want? Well, what is she doing that you don't like? Well, what is he doing? Do you see how this doesn't make a connection? Mm-hmm.
You know him better than the therapist knows him. Yes. You know what he likes. Yeah. I mean, I have to say, he's not an ultra-sexual person, but he does like the cuddles and things like that. That's right. Give him all that. Okay. And every now and then, put your hand on his private parts.
Okay. I will. And say, you're such a hunk. Okay. I was thinking about you all day. Well, I was thinking about parts of you all day. Okay. I'll do that. I like your arms. Okay. You know, come on. Play with him. He has nice arms. Play with him. Yeah. Okay. Get your buddy. Play with him. Have a good time with him. Have laughs with him. That's what connects. And when he's talking, you're going to do what?
Be quiet.
And you're just going to listen. Well, he doesn't talk very much, which is why we went into therapy in the first place. I wonder why. I wonder why. I have met people like girlfriends that would have you, you know, you're going to establish a friendship, yes or no. And I'll find that whenever I start talking, they get, you know, and then I just shut up. I did that on a TV show once in the beginning of my career. They had four of us on a dais. And these three people were just...
And during the break, the producer comes over and says, why aren't you talking? I said, because I don't compete. If somebody wants to know something from me, ask me. They're willing to yap. I'm good with that. He was so frustrated because, you know, they expect this competition for yapping, cutting each other off, that kind of thing. It's not my nature, except if I'm talking to you, then I cut you off. But that's different. Yeah.
Thank you so much, Dr. Laura. I'll put this in practice tonight. You are going to call me next week and tell me I'm a genius. Okay, I'll do it. Thank you. Good. Have fun. He's your man. Have fun with him. Yeah, now I'm realizing how much of an idiot I was to
to like put him in the corner with like, why aren't you talking? That's so stupid of me. Well, I understand that. That's why it's good to call me. It doesn't cost you anything. You get straightened out. You go back, jump in the pool. Go for it. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Have fun, Amy. Fun, fun, fun. My number, 1-800-375-2872. I'm going to take a break. You want to call me and have fun, fun, fun? A lot of times people are bored is because they're being boring.
I know the only times I'm bored is when I'm not proactively doing something, and I'm bored. But the point is, it's up to me. I want to be on board, get off my ass, and do something. Do something, call someone, play with the dog, then I'm not bored. It's proactive from you that creates your state of mind that's not bored.
My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos, and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me to. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com slash drlaura and instagram.com slash drlauraprogram.
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