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Time now for a refresher from my Dr. Laura Call of the Day archives. Remember, you can hear my live radio program weekdays 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 211. Cynthia, welcome to the program. So thank you for taking my call. I am calling because...
I've been married for 22 years to the same man. We have two children, nine and 10 years old, really good kids. We separated in 2018 due to alcohol issues, alcohol abuse issues. He went through therapy. I went through therapy. We lived apart for a year and a half, almost two years. And then the pandemic hit.
And so when the pandemic hit, I'm a nurse. I worked a lot. I had a big focus on that for obviously a long time. So he moved back in and we kind of lived side by side for a good amount of time. And then now that the pandemic is not as bad the past year or so or half a year, I find that we are fighting and arguing over parental things, disagreements.
Oh, gosh. So kids have iPads. I want to restrict their time. He doesn't see a need in it. Kids have iPhones. They're not connected to cellular, but they have iPhones. I want to restrict any electronic devices to a limit each day. He doesn't see a need in it and fights me on it. Why does he think it's good for little kids to be able to get on the net? Sounds a little stupid coming from an adult. What's his argument?
He doesn't think that he's got something on it that prevents... No, finish your sentence. Finish your sentence. He doesn't think that... He doesn't think it's harmful. Well, can't you just download an article in about two seconds off Google to show him that it is? Yeah, I have. And when he reads the data, he says what? Whatever. That's dumb. Okay. Now, when you were separated, did the kids go back and forth?
They did. Well, then they'd be in the same predicament. So they didn't come with their iPads. Where at your house they would be limited in the iPads and at his house they wouldn't be. Correct. Actually, they didn't come with any iPad in the house. They left them at his apartment. Well, that's what I'm saying. That's what I was fundamentally saying.
How do you resolve that if the kids go back and forth? It's the same thing. Yes, they can. No, they can't. Yes, they can. No, they can't. And ultimately, they're going to want to bond with dad because dad gives them total leeway. Right. So my question is, I don't know how to solve this. I don't know how to solve this. Yeah, I don't either. Me either. So here's another question for you. I know you're very pro-marriage.
And when situations are to the point of where the parents are fighting over things such as this, disagreements over... Oh, you guys are not married. You were separated. You're not married anymore. It's just a legal document at this point. You guys aren't married. You guys aren't living for each other and for the sake of the family. That's been over a long time. And divorce won't solve the problem. Won't solve the problem. No. How will it solve the problem? They'll go back and forth. Okay.
His rules, his place, your rules, your place. Divorce doesn't solve the problem. There's some things that can't be fixed.
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I mean, he's just saying, yes, they can use it. Not because he thinks there's no danger to it. It's because he wants to be the favorite dad. And he's angry at you because he married a mother type who had expectations that he would act like a man, a husband, and a father. And he never had any intentions of really being any of those. And he's resentful that you have expectations at all, that you had standards. So why you picked a guy like that is...
A mystery, but since you did and then made kids with him, he's your third kid. He's the bratty teenager who influences the other kids to do against you. This is all about his anger at you. You married a man you knew was deficient, thinking, I don't know, you'd fix him, a miracle would happen. Let's have a baby. Let's have another baby. I mean, you knew who he was long before you had your first baby with him. Right. Because they're very young and you've been married a long time.
So the, yeah, thank you for saying you did. But the problem is, since you did such a foolish, thoughtless, not very smart thing, the kids are stuck. Just out of curiosity, if you would indulge me, since you knew what he was like, why did you stay and make kids? What was your logic? So I didn't want to be alone, to be honest. That's just what it was. Who said you were going to be alone?
Who said if you didn't marry this one very imperfect man that you would be alone? Where did you get that idea from? That's just who I was then, Dr. Laura. No, you can't say that's who I was. Tell me the thinking. How could you possibly think you'd be alone? There are squillions of people in the world. How would you have been alone? Okay.
I'll tell you, my mother, same thing. My mother, the same thing. She divorced her husband. She was alone. My sister, the same thing. No marriage worked out, was married and divorced three times. So my brother married and divorced twice. My other, you know, every other member of my family. I got it now. I got it now. So you looked at that and thought it was okay to hurt kids with it.
No, I looked at that and thought that I could still be a good mother. He was great around me. No, you can't be a good mother when you pick a bad father. No. No, you can't. Because it'll be thwarted all the time. Thwarted. Yes, it is. It's thwarted every single turn. That's right. Because you chose him. Because you were too something to do the right thing for your future kids. Yes.
Did you have a recommendation on whether or not we... No, I honestly don't. One of the most hideous days of my training to be a psychotherapist was when my supervisor told me when I was talking about a situation like this that I couldn't seem to find a way to fix it. And he said, because not everything can be fixed. That's why it's to be avoided. That's why I do this on radio instead of a private office so women can hear you and realize...
The choice between alone and marrying incorrectly is to be alone. Yeah. And when you're in the middle of that toxic crap, you don't even think about it until you're out of it. And it was me getting out of it and then back into it that made me realize how bad it was. But it isn't fair to kids. Oh, I know. I know. And believe me, it gives me no pleasure to say I have no freaking clue what to offer you.
Accept, treat him better. He wants your approval. So start thinking about how you can give him a sense that you're developing respect, admiration, but this is what you're going to need to do. Give him some sense that you're looking up instead of down at him. He'll be less adversarial if you give him a few wins that are not important, and then maybe he'll be more negotiating because he feels good about you.
Because right now, the reason he's saying no to everything you say yes to and yes to everything you say no to is to stick it to you. Not that he really thinks it's harmless for kids. He doesn't think that. Unless you married somebody with the IQ of a palm frond. No, he doesn't have an IQ like that, that's for sure. Well then, it's to get to you. So you're going to have to figure out a way to make him less, feeling less like he has to have combat with you.
So find things you can, seems like you're getting in the middle of an argument. You know, it's a good point you're making. Let's try it that way. It'll blow his mind. So you have to change the rules of the game. You have to show that you're smarter than he is. You have to play him and not fight him. Play him.
So I guess I did have an idea. My number, I still don't know if this can be fixed, but 1-800-375-2872. Please join the growing number of listeners who have signed up for the Dr. Laura family. It's free. You get priority access to things like my Call of the Day podcast and my design store, which features jewelry, glass, and knitted items I personally design and handcraft myself.
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