Refresher: I Want to Repair Things with My Sister
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Time now for a refresher from my Dr. Laura Call of the Day archives. And remember, you too can participate on my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Well, welcome to the program. Thank you, Dr. Laura. I hope this, can you hear me okay? Yes, sir.

Okay, thank you. I have a question. I appreciate your help. I actually called you about 20 years ago, and what you said was very helpful. I must admit, of all the things I listen, I still like the corny joke Thursday or Friday, the time around Thanksgiving the best. Thank you. It's kind of become Cantonese radio for me and my daughter.

So my question is, I'm 64. My mom is 89 years old. My father passed away about a year and a half ago, and they've always been at – both of my parents were always at odds with my sister.

For a long time, I bought into that. I watched my mother go through the same cycle with her mother. She says she got cancer because her mother treated her so badly but survived it because she, quote, honored her mother for as many years as she was badly treated.

But she's kind of revisited on my sister. And for a long time, I thought, okay, well, maybe these are issues and maybe they're – I just didn't really think about it so much from my sister's standpoint and to be honest, selfishly enjoyed being the goalkeeper.

golden boy, so to speak. And at some point, I realized that this was really, really unfair to my sister. So now I'm in this situation where my mom's alone. She's about four hours away. Frequently, when I visit her, she wants to know what she can do to repair the thing with my sister, but she's never willing to own her part of it or accept. And so I'm, I, you know,

decided a while back that I'm going, somebody in the family, that it was time for me to stand with my sister, that I was, whether actively or passively, kind of throwing her under the bus by agreeing with this dynamic that my parents had set up. I've tried to explain it, and it always ends badly with my mom. I'm not sure. What did you mean by the dynamic? I don't understand what that meant.

This dynamic where that I'm okay and what I do is so great and so amazing and my sister just has these problems and the reason our family never is tight or bonded is because of whatever my sister does who would literally throw herself on the railroad tracks for anyone in the family.

And so each time it's come up, and I've tried to explain to my parents, my dad when he was alive, my mom, you know, now individually, they just really resist the fact that they have a significant role in it and that she's just, you know, she's not willing to be treated by my mom the way my mom was treated by her mother. What exactly does she do? I don't understand. What exactly is she doing that's bad?

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She complains bitterly about whatever my sister does or doesn't do. She just can't do enough. She's not present enough, doesn't go out of her way enough. It just never measures up. And the thing that's hurt my sister, who's extremely family-oriented, is that they just never really wanted to spend time together. But now that my mom is alone and wants someone to be there, she wants...

both of us, but mainly my sister who she puts most of it on to be up there spending weeks and things with her. You know, she's... Okay, but how can I help you? I'm... Well, I'm trying to figure out how to... I...

I'm not sure how I can relate in an honest, open way with my mother in this situation that I feel like she just either can't or isn't willing to process without throwing my sister up the boat. Can I just say the very next time you talk to your mother, you say, I have been remiss in allowing you to badmouth my sister all these years and make me sort of God in the family and badmouth my wonderful sister.

Now you're demanding she caretake you when you have bad-mouthed and treated her poorly. You need to apologize to her. That'll do it. Very direct. Nothing to explain. Nothing to explain. I don't know why. Yes, I do know why. I noticed that a lot of people want to explain their point so to get to the other side of the pool where the parent or the friend or the spouse or the kid...

agrees, understands, and agrees. You're rarely going to get that. That's why you have to make declarative sentences. You're crappy to my sister. You've been crappy to my sister for decades. Now you're expecting her to take care of you. She's such a sweet soul. She's probably going to do it. I have stood by and allowed you to do that so I could be the golden boy. And I'm disgusted with myself for doing that.

But you mean to and about my sister. And you're not going to do that in front of me anymore. I won't tolerate it. And then you tell your sister that you apologize for enjoying being the golden boy and not standing by her. Declarative sentences, peoples. Declarative sentences.

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