The Difficult Realities of Step-Parenting
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Go to quince.com slash doctor for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash doctor to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash doctor. Thanks for downloading my Call of the Day podcast. You too can participate in my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Keith.

Welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you. What's happening? So we, so 13 year old stepson refusing to come home. We've gone through all the court proceedings, everything else. There's been enforcement actions and everything else. Home. What are you calling home? Does he have a dad? Does he go back and forth? It's 50-50.

It's 50-50. Well, then he doesn't have a home. He has two places to visit. So let's use the words which really give truth to his experience. So how long have you been stepping? 10 years. And what happened to mom and dad? What happened to the original family? Why'd they break up? Mom was taken, but taken for granted, if you know what I mean.

No, I don't. Not appreciated. She was expected to be basically Cinderella while working a full-time job. And so she got fed up. What does Cinderella do? The dishes, all the laundry, cleans the house and everything else. Meanwhile, you know, dad expects her to go get, you know, accelerate the career and everything else. Okay. Did he have a career?

Yes. He's an engineer. And do you have a career? I work for a local company. Yes. Yes, I do. I'm an airline pilot. Oh. Does she have a career? She was an airline pilot as well. But listening to you, we have two young kids at home. And nine years ago, when we had our other kid, she's a stay-at-home mom.

with our nine-year-old and our five-year-old. Yeah. All right. So the son has been going back and forth, and now he does not want to come to your house. Is that correct? That is correct. Did dad marry and make any more kids? Did dad marry and make any more kids? Dad is remarried, and supposedly he's happy and everything else, but he continues to fight for 10 years. My question was...

That wasn't my question. Yes, he is. He is remarried. He is remarried. And does he have new kids? No. He married into where they had two teenagers and they've moved out now. How long have they been out? But he doesn't have any new kids. So five years. Okay.

Okay. All right. So my question is that... So when he's at his dad's house, he's the only one there and he's special and they didn't make new kids. But when it comes to your house, you made a new kid and he's not as special. I just like to look at the finite things, which...

kids think about. Sometimes we adults don't think about it, but they do. So I was just looking for a difference there. And the difference is he's special over there and he has his dad and boys like to have a relationship with their dad and you're his mom's husband. Yes. And he calls me dad. I coach a soccer team and everything else. I have a feeling you are terrific at what you do. I'm just looking for the finesse points that impact a kid.

Okay, so he doesn't want to come to your house. And what does he express to explain that? So two things. I am treated differently. So there's four years between each kid. So we have 13, nine, and five. I am treated differently. And then we live in Kansas. So I sold my house. Of course he treats you differently. You're not his dad.

You don't have the authority in his mind that his dad does. It's nice that he calls you dad, but you're not. He has one. But I treat him the same. It doesn't matter. You're not his dad. I have a feeling you are an extremely nice guy and put in a lot of very good effort. But this is a kid's mind. And 13 years old, going through a lot of changes.

Yes, but he doesn't treat his dad that way because that's his dad-dad. So, frankly, if he doesn't want to come to your house and he'd rather stay with dad-dad, let him stay with dad-dad. Please. Right.

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This is his dad, and he wants the truth. They can go over and visit. So, Dr. Laura, here's the thing. I want to go to Urban Air. I want to go here. I want to go there. I want to see my brothers. But by golly, Mom, you better take me here because I want to see my brothers. And you better take me here. I don't know what you're talking about right now. I'm not following it. I'm not following what you're saying. Okay, so...

So what he wants to do is he wants to go to these places that his dad will not take him to in order to go see his brothers. He said, I will not. I will not be any place without you in public. I want to see my brothers. So you need to bring my brothers to me. And so our response is you need to come home and sit down and play video games. Stop. Stop. Stop. I don't think you are at all. Either one of you thinking about his mind.

You're only thinking about your needs and the kid you made. So you're going to have to yank this back. Okay. You guys divorced whoever you divorced, remarried, in your case, made more kid. He has to go back and forth and not have a home. And you're begrudging him laying down one rule over which he's trying to have some control over his life.

He had no control over all of you doing all of this instability in his life. You all contribute to this. I have a rule. Nobody follows it, but I have a rule. No dating, no marrying when there's a divorce and there are minor children. 70% of marriages with a situation like yours end up in divorce, which damages the kids some more.

So kids have no control. He's trying to exert some control. Instead of getting huffy about it, you ought to think about how to accommodate some of it because he deserves it. So do you give in to his wishes and it's on his terms? Sometimes. He has to give in to all your wishes on your terms. He had to do that since all this divorce and marriage again take place and new baby. At least at his dad's house, they didn't make a new kid.

to focus in on and be all giggly about. You guys did that, which put him back farther. And for the life of me, I don't get why none of you adults understand that. You get angry when the kid wants to have something on his own terms. Gosh darn, nothing in his life is on his terms. You all made sure of that. I 100% agree with you. And I see your perspective there. I never thought of it that way. Thank you. So what I'd like you to do

is sit down with him and his mom for a chat. And you can do this in a restaurant over hamburgers and say, okay, I've been thinking about what's happened to you in your life where you don't really have a home. I call it a home, but in reality, you're visiting us in our home. Then you're visiting your dad in his home and you really don't have a home. And I never really thought about that. So you'd like to have some things the way you want.

Well, in life, we can't have everything the way we want, but let's talk about some of the things we might work out. He'll be more reasonable when his pain and his feelings and his perspective are acknowledged and respected, and then you're offering negotiation. It's going to calm him down and make him negotiate because now he has some power. Now, if you don't give a kid like this power, they find it in other ways.

Drugs, crime, you get my drift. Yes, I do. And that's most often true in male persons for obvious reasons called testosterone. Well, I guess my wife and I have to have a conversation. You have to pull it all together first. Pull it all together first. Oh, no, exactly. I don't want you to be near tears, okay? You have to pull it together first, then do it. No, I understand you, Dr. Laura. Okay. It's going to be okay.

It's going to be okay. My instinct tells me if you handle it the way I'm suggesting, it's going to be okay. Okay. Well, like I said, I have to sit down and come up with a new game plan and go from there. And we can move forward and we'll get them back home, back into a loving family. Stop saying that. Stop saying that.

This is your fantasy that you have in your head. He doesn't see this as his loving home. He lost that a long time ago. Stop saying this is his home. Stop it. Okay, a safe place to visit that's loving and caring. Thank you. Especially the word safe. I love it. Beautiful. Not his home, but a safe place that is loving and caring. A safe place to come and enjoy and explore life and expand life. Yes, yes.

By Jove, I think you've got it now. But I agree with you, Dr. Laura. Definitely not a home. It's a home for my two younger ones because they live here 24-7. And so, no. And I agree with you. He goes back and forth week on, week off. And so it's visitation. It's not homes. It is bouncing. And it's not stable. Right. I mean, I would hate that. I would hate to be bounced around every week. Right.

Okay. You gave me a whole new, different perspective, long-time listener, years, years, years, decades. Thank you for taking my call. You have given me a new perspective, not only for this situation, but just in life in general. Oh, that's kind of you to say. So I thank you for taking my call. Happy to help you. Call me back anytime. I will do. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Bye, Keith. Nice. Nice.

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