Sexual Healing
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Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. I want to talk to you about sex therapy. And the first thing I want to say is

Don't wait until you have a long-term actual sexual problem in your relationship before you seek help with it. Because stuff, when it goes on year after year after year after year, gets entrenched and oftentimes very hard to reverse. After habits are formed, walls are up. So try to catch things early. When I was in private practice, I did a lot of sex counseling.

And I want you to understand that you don't go to sex therapy to have sex in the office. People may think, oh my God, are we going to have to get naked and do stuff? No. And if you go to someone and they say you're going to have to get naked and do stuff, get out of there and report them. Okay, so what's sex therapy for? Well, my goodness, a lot of folks have medical treatments, surgical procedures, physical disabilities, history of sexual abuse, and such.

There are all kinds of events and experiences which get in the way of people feeling comfortable and relaxed and open about sex. A sex therapist can help guide you when there's a physical or mental issue interfering with a satisfying sex life. They'll give you information, help you reduce your embarrassment or discomfort with a situation, especially after there are injuries or surgeries.

They can help you get back to having fun, fun, fun, fun with one another again. And usually sex therapy is intertwined with marital counseling because sometimes that is the source of the sex problems. Then the sex problems cause more marital problems and it goes around and around and around. I think we all pretty much know that it takes only minutes for a man's engine to rev up for sex and

but much longer for women. That's normal. In sex therapy, a counselor may guide you in ways to jumpstart your sexy thinking and feelings. Maybe by accessing your sexual fantasies, focusing on sensuality more than the orgasm. As I explained to Aaron when he called me because he was desperately wanting to know the secret to pleasing his wife sexually. Aaron, welcome to the program.

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking my call. I had the chance to speak with you some time ago, and I found your advice life-changing. So here I am again. My wife and I have been married for... Yes, thank you, ma'am. My wife and I have been married for about three years, together for four. We have a, I'd say, fairly fulfilling marriage. Lately, I've encountered some roadblocks, I suppose, as it relates to her...

sexual gratification, if you will. We're pretty regular and have a fairly healthy sex life. But I sometimes have difficulty getting her to the other side, if you will. When it happens, I try to articulate to her that how important her pleasure is to me. And when I do that, I seem to kind of

fall on my face and it ends up sounding more like an issue with my performance and my own insecurities. So I'm here today to find out how I can better communicate to her that I am genuinely interested in her fulfillment without sounding self-absorbed or immodest, if you will. It's so exciting for me when you release into an orgasm.

Okay. Just okay. That's it. It's so exciting. Because it is. A real man finds it very exciting that his woman can get there. But, you know, I mean, there are certain techniques, I'm sure, in all the years you've been together, you know, are more likely to get her there than not. But it's easier for men to have orgasms than it is for women. Part of that is evolutionary biological because you need to have an orgasm in order to make babies.

We don't have to have orgasms to make babies. An egg gets popped out all by itself. We don't have to have an orgasm to pop an egg up into the fallopian tube. So your sexual satisfaction is tied into reproduction. Ours isn't.

And women often have a lot more trouble with moods, hormones, you know, attitude during the day, something else on her mind. You could have a lot of things on your mind, but if you're getting stimulated the right way, you're going to have an orgasm, generally speaking. So it's a very different phenomenon. So you can't take it upon yourself whether she gets there or not.

And sometimes women don't get there, but feel kind of satisfied anyway, because the amount of arousal was so great that it felt good. So it's different for every circumstance. You don't want to have it be that she has to have an orgasm or you're devastated. Right. So things like, oh, honey, after she has, it's so sexy and exciting to watch you

relax into an orgasm you know it's very exciting it's beautiful your face looks beautiful so compliments like that do not put pressure you know i i've never looked at it that way um okay dr laura i'm gonna give that a go i i appreciate it okay excellent has she multiply orgasm thank you for your time because generally if i yes ma'am

Good. So you sort of get her there and then maybe join her in the next one or then go back to her or, you know, have some fun with it. Be playful. You know, drag her into the shower. Whatever she wants. I drag. Whatever she wants to do. Well, women don't always like to specify that. They like their men to sort of take them. I see. I see. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. Very good. Thank you, ma'am.

Yeah, you're very welcome. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Yeah, I bet a lot of you didn't think about it. A woman's orgasm has nothing to do with reproduction. She could never have an orgasm in her life and make 10 kids. Somehow I look at that as depressing, but all right. All right, your dearly beloved is coming home within a half an hour and you're anticipating, you know, talk about the traffic, the kids did this. No.

Take 15 of that 30-minute half hour and start remembering how sexy they are. Yeah, come back after that break. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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We'd probably avoid a lot of divorces if more people would deal with their sexual issues sooner. So when a guy is too quick on the draw or a woman doesn't seem to be able to reach orgasm at all, these are some of the kinds of things you can talk about in sex therapy. Human beings actually have to learn how to make love, to learn what works for us and what doesn't.

Making love is different from just having sex. It takes time to get to know your own body and each other's. Communication is the key, but that's usually the part people don't do. They're embarrassed. They feel uncomfortable. They think certain things are taboo, but giving feedback to your partner about what you find pleasurable is a wonderful gift because then he or she knows they're not failing.

So what's a woman to do when she doesn't feel comfortable talking about her desires but does want to spice things up? That's what Tammy wanted to know when we spoke. Tammy, welcome to the program. Hi, Doctor. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you.

So I'm hoping you can help me. It's a little bit uncomfortable for me to talk about this, so could you imagine with my husband? Okay. So we've been married for a little plus 22 years, and we still love each other. We still get excited about being together. He's extremely kind.

Treats me like a princess and everything every woman hopes for, right? But our sex life has kind of not been on track as I would love to at this point in our life. And I hear a lot of times that, oh, that's not cool. And what does your husband have to say about his level of interest?

I'm sorry. He's just as concerned as I am because he knows that, you know... He's as concerned as you are about what? I mean, I'm not sure I understand. Who's not interested in sex? Who is involved with each other? Who is the one not interested? I don't think that it's not that we're interested. We just don't have the time. We don't have the time?

Time? No, the drive. You know how you can get excited about having intercourse, I guess? Okay, which one of you doesn't have the drive? I, for the most part, have always had that problem. It's always been an uncomfortable thought process for me. Why is that? I think it has to do with things that probably happened when I was younger.

Well, what does that have to do with over two decades of great loving sex with him? No, no, no. I'm just saying as far as being open and honest and, you know, trying and seeing. So what new things would you like to try? I wouldn't know because I'm not, we don't openly discuss that, I guess. Well, you have access to an internet connection.

Yes, we do. Well, look up sexual positions, sex play toys, look up things on the net. They'll even give you videos and you can look around and think, ooh, I think I'd be interested in that. And then if you're too embarrassed to say that, just leave it on the screen, coquettishly

go wherever he is and say, I left something on the screen. I think I'd like to try that, but I'm too embarrassed to talk to you, so can you just go look at it? Okay, I could try that, I guess. Yeah, why not? It's okay if you can't talk about it directly, as long as you have a way to communicate it. Okay. Yeah. That sounds like a plan. Yes.

Some things, you know, just even if whatever it is, if you feel like you want to try it, you could always try it and not like it. You could try it and like it a lot. Who knows? Okay. I like that. I like that. I don't have to like it even if I try it. Okay. Right. All right. Well, thank you, doctor. I really appreciate you taking the call. Yeah. Call me in a little bit and tell me how things are going. Okay. Thank you very much. All right. You're very welcome.

Now, in the beginning of a terrific relationship, most people are in the mood most of the time. But years later, with age, careers, child rearing, other stresses, health, and maybe the plumbing just doesn't work the way it used to, it all takes a toll on your

Sex-love life. That's why it's important to spend time together talking about something more than what bills need to be paid or what's happening tomorrow. Make more eye contact when you talk. Do more touching and hugging. Savor one another on occasions the way you do when you go to an expensive restaurant.

You spend time drooling over the menu. You discuss the possibilities. You savor every bite. You share from each other's plates. You talk about the meal afterwards, the presentation, the flavors, the sauces, the ingredients. You enjoy it and you talk about it. Do the same with sex. I love it when you touch me exactly like that. More, more, more. Don't stop. Three inches to the left.

Whatever you do, don't just stick with your same old formula. Playful interaction is important. Improvise. Have some fun. When Nina called me, her bedroom routine had become, well, routine. Trouble was, she just felt too uncomfortable to dress sexy or talk dirty. How could a nice girl like Nina turn up the heat in her decades-long marriage? Here's what we discussed.

Nina, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call. My pleasure.

Thank you. I've been listening to you for about six months now, so I can't say I've listened to you for my whole life like some of your other callers. Well, welcome aboard. Thank you. Everything I hear just seems to make such perfect sense that sometimes I wonder how people, it was not obvious to people before they called, but you put a good light on what needs to be addressed. Thank you.

I am calling because I'm not from the United States originally. I was born in India, and so was my husband. I came here after we got married. I got married rather young by your recommendations. Sorry about that. And was this a...

Arranged marriage? No, actually, weirdly enough, it was not. We met at his sister's wedding, and, you know, one thing led to another. And we were engaged for a whole year before we actually...

And was he your first serious boyfriend?

He was my only boyfriend. Not because, you know, it's funny. Everybody has this idea that in India you really are, you know, everything is frowned upon. It's not exactly true. But, you know, to a certain extent, yes, but not exactly true. It wasn't for lack of opportunity or anything of that sort. It was just the way it turned out. I was too focused on my education to truly...

you know, think about anything. And then I met him and then there was no need to think about anything. So he was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. And I cannot, you know, ever, uh,

I just never lose sight of that. We have two kids and they are wonderful and knock on wood, I have no issues with my life per se, except for, you know, I find that I am a little, not a little, quite a bit uptight in when it's just him and I, not on a, you know, especially on a physical level. I find it hard to...

I don't know, be uninhibited, so to speak. And I kind of get the sense that my husband would like me to be. I truly don't know how. All husbands want their wives to be uninhibited. I don't know how. And it just seems, you know, if I try, it seems fake. And it seems wrong, you know, kind of like. Tell me about the wrong. So you think certain sexual things, even between husband and wife, might be wrong?

Well, I don't consciously think that, but it just kind of feels like, oh my God. I still feel like I might be 15 and afraid of what my parents would think. I don't know if that makes any sense. We're going to be married 20 years now. Did you ever have a time where you were a little looser with him?

I don't think so, no. It's kind of always been that way, and I thought, you know, and I think over time it is a little bit better, but I mean, I'm not really sure. Well, tell me, ma'am, ma'am, tell me your fantasy, your imagined scenario of what it would be like with him if you were more uninhibited. Describe it to me, what it would be like.

uh how he would react no honey just describe the entire scene may believe i am making a movie and you are writing the movie and i'm ready to film it what would i see if this man and this woman were together and she was less inhibited what would i see well i would say um um

I know you don't like people to say, I don't know, but I think you would see somebody who was not self-conscious of, you know, everything about how she... Well, I'm not going to know her mind. I'm only going to see action. So what action would I see? What would she be doing that's different? Well, I think she would be... What would she be doing if she...

She would be very comfortable with her body, so she wouldn't be, you know, self-conscious about how she appeared. She would, you know, move freely without, you know, worrying about that or wouldn't, would be able to speak, you know, in a more...

I don't know. You're doing fine. I know. I really... I know there is kind of like a little hurdle here. And I'm not...

And I think part of the thing is maybe even he is a little, you know, both of us, I mean, I for certain had absolutely no sexual experiences before whatsoever, before I married him. And I am, I mean, I know he has told me he hasn't, and I'm 100% certain he hasn't either. And we are very, very faithful, very committed to each other. We are really close.

So, you know, it seems to be like a back and forth thing, though he sometimes does express, you know, he'll say something like, oh, you know, we should, you know, like he might ask me to, like, for example, talk dirty. And I really don't know how. I don't know what to say and everything.

I don't know where to learn what to say. Because the way I talk to you, that's kind of how I talk. Okay. All right. We got to start with part one. And part one is you're aware that your body is not perfect. Mm-hmm.

It's not anything to be too worried about either. Well, you've emphasized it a number of times, and that is probably the number one complaint all women have. Their bodies are not perfect. So part two of knowing your body is not perfect is imagining that he...

doesn't know your body's not perfect. So the more you can sort of hide it a little, then he'll never know your body's not perfect. What's interesting about that is that he's known from the day he met you that your body is not perfect, but he loves it anyway. That's true. And that's something that women don't seem to be easily, to easily get into their brains.

He wants you naked and up against him. As imperfect as you are, he loves your body naked and up against him. And quite frankly, when you first said, I tried certain things, but it didn't feel true, it felt fake. Well, everything new in the beginning. First time you try to play basketball and get that ball all the way up there.

Uh, it's, it's ridiculous. I mean, you feel like an idiot and it's not working well, but as you practice it more and more, it just gets comfortable. The more you were naked in front of him, the less self-conscious you would be. That's the only way to get less self-conscious is to just live it, is to see. I remember we had one lady on the show who was short and very fat, but fat with the sort of fat that it falls over your underpants, fat your belly.

Mm-hmm. And I told her the same thing. Well, she wrote a letter, which I read on the air. I had to edit it. It had some dirty talk. But she went out and bought one of those sexy lingerie things. Uh-huh. And she got it all. She got the biggest size she could find, but it was still too small. So she's really sort of falling out of it in a way that if anybody else like you or me looked at it, we'd probably go, oh, God, that's ridiculous.

However, she was at the top of the stairs, called her husband. He comes around the bend. Biggest grin on his face she had ever seen. And they had the best evening of lovemaking they had had in a long time. And she learned something. Yeah, I may look a little silly with it hanging over, my chubbiness hanging over, but he loves me naked and up against him. And to him, I am perfect because he loves me. So,

That's something that each woman listening and not listening has to get into her head. Unless you're married to a complete abject jerk, that's true. He just wants you naked and up against him. Now, in terms of talking dirty, it may not be your thing to say the bad words that refer to sex or the sexy words, but there are things you can say that only use nice words. You can say, I want to feel you on top of me. Okay. Now,

That sounds, there are no bad words in that. No. But for him, it would be you talking dirty. Okay. I would love to feel you inside of me. Ooh, probably have a heart attack. I hope he has insurance. Hmm. Okay. So go buy something scandalous. Uh-huh. Have a drink of wine. Uh-huh. Chug it down. Not too much. You know, just a wine glass amount, not a goblet.

That'll loosen you up a little bit. Put on this sexy thing and say, call, call up, you know, tell him, come up to the bedroom because you have a surprise for him. When you see his reaction, I think it'll take away some of your feeling stupid. That's a good word. I do feel kind of like, you know. Stupid. Am I? Yeah. Am I? What am I doing? You know, it just seems. I'll tell you what you're doing. You're having some fun.

Okay. You're having some fun with your husband. Yes. Sex should be more fun and less furtive. Okay. So go out and buy something a little scandalous. Oh, I have a closet full. You know, that's the thing. Who bought it? Well, some of it I bought, some of it he bought. Okay, take one of the ones he bought. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. But just remember what Mother Laura said. As long as you're naked and up against him.

You have a perfect body. Okay. I can do that. Yeah. Call me back. I will. I will. Please. It was that easy. I'm like, you know, do I need to like read a book? That's my solution to stuff. No. I know. To make it heady. Your solution is to make it heady. I want you to make it horny, not heady. Hormonal, not heady. Okay? Just play. Have some fun. Have some fun with him. Tease him. Tease him.

Okay. Make him chase you around the room. Tease him. Bring him into the shower. Give him a soap up and a soap down. And when he tries to do the same to you, say, uh-uh, not yet. And you'll drive him nuts. That'll be fun. Okay. Have some fun with this. Just don't think about it too much. Just have fun. Okay. I can do that. I can try. No, you can do that. We don't try here. This is a Yoda moment. No try. We do.

Okay, I'm happy you've been listening. I want you to take notice. Frankly, now that you're thinking more about sex and sensuality, you realize that you don't allow yourself to spend time thinking about sex and sensuality, right? Take a break. I'll be right back. Greg's car shopping. And since he lives in Florida, your marketing's probably pushing something a little sporty.

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Lay in bed together. Cuddle. Describe a fantasy. Schedule a massage night. That usually turns into more. Think about adding some toys to help the engines get going. If you still need help after listening to this deep dive, perhaps you would benefit from sex therapy. Go on the net. You'll be able to find someone in your area. Choose a therapist with some kind of certification. Don't let your problems in the bedroom damage you.

the rest of your marriage. Of course, I'm always here to help. Call me at 1-800-DR-LAURA or go to drlaura.com to make an appointment to talk with me on the air. Now, go do the sensuous thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.

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