Ep. 14 - The Tower of Terry
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. There is unrest in the forest. There is trouble with the trees. For the vampire has been vanquished and the garden witch is pleased. The daddy's killed both. The Terry Jr. thought he lost.

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There's a dungeon full of puzzles and suggestive narrative threads. As the players scream, I'm crushing! And the DM shakes his head. The End

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, sometimes a BDSM podcast, a podcast where we play D&D and it's about four dads flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, a barred rock and roll Christmas cover band dad. And this week, my Glenn fact, my Glenn dad fact is this.

Whenever they're on tour and they're driving the bus around, or let's be honest here, the large Ford Econo van around and they ever pass through New Mexico, Glenn makes it a point to go out of the way to visit Roswell, home of the first alien encounter. And he's got so much like Roswell merch and shirts and stuff like that. You know, they got like the alien sticker and stuff like that. Does he get that alien jerky?

The alien jerky is something on the way to Las Vegas. Well, but you're telling me they don't have alien jerky in Roswell, New Mexico. What is alien jerky? It's just on the way to Vegas. Do you see a sign that's like a big alien? It says fresh alien jerky. And it's like, I don't know. It's a fun. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the promise of it. Okay. I knew it was like that or like a sex thing. No, yeah. It's like the thing on the fucking side of the road. It's just fun tourist traps. America's great. All right. And by the way, no, there isn't. There isn't alien fresh jerky in Roswell. That is unacceptable to me. I guess they respect aliens too much. We're not going to.

Yeah, they have museums, Will, not like kitsy tourist traps. They have museums with dioramas of aliens and government agents. Wasn't your dad fact last week about Roswell? No, it was about the fact that we're going to storm Area 51, baby. September 20th. My name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who's now a barbarian.

I feel like I've gotten a little too complicated with my dad facts, so I'm just kind of going back to basics. Like, you know my name. So what's my favorite color? Daryl's favorite color is brown. Brown. Brown. Yeah. It's meat, wood, good brown ale. Does he have like a specific shade? Leather brown. Leather brown. He says a good cup of coffee should look like a pigskin. Just a little bit of half and half and a little bit of sugar. So he's a leather daddy. That's what you're saying. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Sure. You mean like Indiana Jones bomber jacket fedora brown. Yeah, no, leather brown is a color. It's like a slightly lighter brown than flat brown. Next, you'll probably find out his favorite TV show. Just basic stuff. By the way, everyone's favorite TV show of their dads is 24, obviously. Oh my God, that's so true. That was my dad's favorite fucking show. He watched every season of that garbage ass show. My dad watches Big Bang Theory. There you go. Carol loves Big Bang Theory. My dad is really into America's Got Talent. Oh.

Oh, really? Specifically, YouTube clips of American Scott Tallent is 90% of his media consumption now. Hi, everyone. I'm Henry. Shit.

We've crossed over. I just introduced myself as Henry Oak, my Touches of Daddy's character. I'm Will Campbells. I play Henry Oak, a granola munching, Birkenstock rocking, hippie nature druid dad. My fun fact about Henry this week was, in fact, going to be his favorite TV show. Oh. Henry's favorite TV show is The Sunrise. Gah!

What a fucking asshole. It's the sunrise. What a turd. What an absolute nerd. You know, it's on every day. It never gets canceled. And you can just get up and watch it to get your morning going. I hope it gets canceled now. Better than a piping hot cup of coffee, I'll tell you that much. Hello, my name is Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue.

My fun fact about Ron this week is that it's a little story about how he met Samantha. And he met Samantha, who was looking for a new companion, so to speak, by catfishing her. Ron made a profile on the local Humane Society as a schnauzer. Ha ha!

Wait, what? And the rest is a story of love. No, no, no, no, not the rest of the story. Tell us what happened after. Yada, yada, yada. Listen, Samantha was seeking, you know, she was recently widowed. Her life wasn't going great and she just needed something else in her life, something to really love and to

I don't understand the mechanics of how this happened. The more Daryl finds out about Ron's life, he looks at Ron's marriage and he just can't

fucking understand what is wrong with it. To explain, fun fact about Beth this week is that Beth has an app on her phone called Pet Finder where literally it's like Tinder for adoptable animals. I hope it's not like Tinder for adoptable animals. And it's hot as hell. Do you want to fuck a corgi? No.

I just want to look at the... That's not better. That's not better. Not in a... No, just in a very wholesome... I just like... Okay. So...

So sexy schnauzers are in your area. No, I just like, you know, I have a lovely cat that is awful, but I love her so much. She's my entire life. Shout out to Teddy. But, you know, I just like to look at dogs that I could have in my future. And they have like these little profiles on Pet Finder and it's like an app. So I feel like Ron would. So you're thinking of maybe somebody, one of those dogs wouldn't be a real dog instead of man. I feel like.

Right now I'm single, but my best prospects are probably on PetFinder.com. Not as pets, but as men masquerading as pets. So Ron is a rescue husband. Yes. I rescued my husband, and somebody's like, you didn't rescue your husband. In a way, he rescued me. Who rescued who? I'm looking at the site. Under about house trained, what did Ron put down?

Yes, I assume. Yeah. And then also vaccinations up to date, spayed and neutered. So wait, when she met up with Ron and realized, oh, this is a man and not a schnauzer. How did Ron play that off? What was like, what was step two for him? The world's hardest natty 20 charisma check. No, he said, I told you I knew how to shake. Yeah.

Okay, that's pretty good. That's a pretty good... Holy shit. That's not all I know how to do. Alright. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your Daddy Master. Hi, Daddy Master. I feel like I might have referenced this on the show before, but all this talk about people's favorite shows. One of the last genuinely trying to be thoughtful things my dad ever said to me... He's not dead. Uh...

But he, uh, we, we were sitting around just trying to be fucking father and son, just sitting there watching TV or whatever. And we're watching two and a half men because it's his favorite goddamn show. And at one point, midway through Ashton Kutcher says something and it doesn't go over that well. And he goes, you know, Ashton Kutcher makes you realize just how much Charlie Sheen brought to this role. I think about that. I'd say once every week. Um,

All right. This is a heck of a beginning of this podcast. So you're actually going to do some fucking Dungeons and Dragons ass tower dungeon exploration. I am so looking forward to playing just normal D&D in a tower. I have my D20 in my hand. Ready to go. Ready to fight. I'm ready to swing an axe. Let's do this.

When last we left you, you were in the foyer of Terry Sr.'s tower and a rift in the dimension opened up and you found out that Terry Jr. is up at the top of the tower trying to open a door to the astral plane so he can get his father's decapitated head back. You got the kids that you rescued from the basement. You've got Peyton. The only place you haven't gone in the tower is upwards. Yeah, I want to ask the kids, like, what's in this tower? What's above us? What's ahead of us here? The little girl, Caitlin Kramadynik, says, this is where the French guy lived in the

And he kept all of us down in that basement that you saw. But when he was hanging out with Terry Jr., I think he had like a bunch of special rooms for just the two of them to hang out. Not in a gross way, but like in a like father-son bonding kind of... I cannot preface hard enough. Not in a gross way. In a...

not entirely wholesome, but not entirely weird sort of bonding experience. So I think that's probably what you'll find. I bet it was a game room. Terry Jr. was always like, why don't we have a game room? And I was like, life's a game bucko. The game room is actually directly above us.

Like no joke. But what's a game room with no games? I think I say we find out folks. Shall we forge on ahead here? I think we should proceed with all due haste, but with caution as well. That's what I recommend. All right, Peyton, you're going to take care of all the kiddos down here. Heck yeah. You guys are all a team. Peyton's your coach. What's your team name? All you kids. Oh man. Uh,

What should a team name evoke? What's the most important thing in naming a team? Unity and strength. Well, I think that should be up to the team, don't you? Well, yeah. Peyton was asking a question about what it should evoke. But you're not on the team, so maybe Peyton should ask that question to his fellow teammates. I just, you know, I think you've got to let the kids kind of come up with their own fun thing here. Hey, Peyton, do you want to hear my answer to the question? Yeah, I was asking you. Okay, cool, cool. Unity...

Unity and Strength is what I think. That's kind of a long team name, though. Unity and Strength is kind of fascistic, man. I think it's got to be about having a good time. I wasn't suggesting the name is Unity and Strength. I was saying that it should evoke the idea. I just want to know what it evoked. It's like high-level kind of thing. I respect the team should come up with their own thing, but if you're asking for opinions from the adults, I think a good team spirit kind of thing would be like respecting each other and getting along and having a good time.

Yeah, we're called the Paydans. All right. That's our team name. We're the Paydans. All right. All right. Hands in the middle, everyone. On three, go Paydans. One, two, three, go Paydans. Go Paydans. Go Paydans. All the kids do it. So the kids are pretty pumped about it. The kids are like fine with it. All right. Halfway there. One of them's like, I want to see my dad. Yeah. My dad died. All right, Payne. You got it down here. We're going to go up there and we're going to save Ron. We're going to save Terry Jr. Let's do this. Yep. Okay. Yep. As you go upstairs, you- Is it an auto save point? Yeah.

Yeah, you see the fucking hourglass sort of rotate in the corner and the arrow's going around. Don't turn off the PS4. Please do not turn off. It will corrupt your save file. Do not turn off the podcast or the save will get corrupted. You'll forget everything you heard about the podcast. There's three health packs and a bunch of ammo. All right, great. You know what? I think these little gamer asides are one of my favorite parts of the podcast. I just want to say that. It's always a treat. You guys suck. It's just one more way we can exclude that, and that's what I really like about it.

Hey, I've played some Tony Hawk in my day. All right, you walk up the stairs and the first thing that hits your eye in this new room is a big fucking door. You absolute nerd. Freddy did it a half second before I could. That's a D4. Yeah, something hit my eye and did three damage to my eye. Do we all roll a D4? No, I feel like Freddy alone is responsible for that one. I feel like that's his alone. Three damage. So you see a big, vast,

vat of something that is brown and is your favorite color. It's the size of like one of those like county fair dunk tanks that would somebody would sit on top of and like mock you. You see this vat of this like brown liquid that's kind of sloshing around. How viscous is this liquid? It seems like pretty thick. They got a stew going in there. It seems like poo, right?

No, it doesn't smell like anything. You have to get closer to it. But behind that, you see the stairway continuing upward. But there is a gate in front of it with a wire leading from the vat to the gate. Now, when you say wire, where is the wire actually connecting? I'm going to roll perception to see where this wire is actually touching the vat. Sure. Oh, you could have gotten a free one out of Anthony. He was just going to tell you.

Oh. Well, I got five. Now he doesn't have to say shit! Well, so you guys can look, too. Daryl doesn't see, but... I honestly... I don't understand perception checks in Dungeons & Dragons. I just flat out do not fucking understand them. Because it'd be like, I look more. Yeah, he's like, I look harder? Like, what does it even mean? I think what it is is it's like your base level is what you can observe, and then if you get a good one, you get a little bit of a hint. I mean, you can look at a... You can look at a Where's Waldo all day. But if you want to find Waldo...

I feel like perception should be used for like... That is genuinely the best explanation I've ever heard of perception checks. I think it's more for like inferring, like I feel like a perception check could be like, you can tell that this cable was like recently laid or something like that. Well, that's like investigation. Investigation, I get. It's me like when I'm like, when I know that one of you guys are rolling perception, I'm like, ooh, I have to pay attention now. It's just a signal to Beth. Yeah, it's just a signal to the players to be like, this matters. Okay, so yeah, you're not going to get any additional information. I like that. But...

You see that the wire is running up to the side of the vat. And on the side of the vat, so basically there's a clear glass window on the front of the vat where you can see the sloshing liquid. And on the side is a little control panel with a dial. And examining the dial, you can see that all the way to the left is a crude caricature drawing of Terry Jr.,

And all the way to the right is a crude caricature drawing of Terry Sr. So it's like Cheezoid. There's only two options. Yeah, there's either cheese or petrol. Yes, it's like Cheezoid. That sketch that you love so very much. Truly a reference for no one.

Anthony, can I just say that's so obvious that you went back and played all five Miss games? Yeah. This is so drawing. It's a very missed ask. Okay, so the dial's in the middle, and on one side is Terry Jr., and the other side is Terry Sr. And then above that is a button. And above that's a button. Petrol. Petrol.

Oh my God. Anthony, can you recap this sketch from that Mitchell and Webb look cheese away so that the audience at home knows what we're talking about? Yeah, so the sketch is that Matt, Will, and Freddie go, you got to see this sketch. You're not going to think it's funny, but it's going to stick with you for months and it will slowly become the funniest thing you've ever seen. And then you watch it and it's just David Mitchell or the other one

building a robot that's supposed to dilute it between cheese and petrol. And he just goes, no, that's petrol. And it's not funny. Oh, that's why it's not funny. You didn't understand it. They designed a robot to smell all things, but he only has a dial that smells either cheese or petrol. Okay, but here's a real talk. I didn't believe it when they told me. But then a couple days later, I was like, you know what?

When Cheezoid says petrol, I did get a good laugh about it. And now it haunts me every night. I can't stop thinking about it. Fucking coward. You fucking fell to peer pressure. Okay. Okay. Okay. So guys, what do you think this vat does? All I know is this is the worst game room I've ever seen.

This is the game where there's not even darts, man. Do you think this is like a jukebox? I think this is attainable, though, you know, if I ever get Terry Jr. back. Maybe this is like one of those smart bathtubs that Carol's always asking for where you get like, and those are the two settings. Like, you get the bathtub ready for Terry Sr. It gets it to, you know, 84 degrees or whatever he likes. And then you turn it the other way. Can I take a big old whiff of this vat?

famous last words. Roll perception. It's up to your neck, so you'd have to peek over a little bit. I rolled a six. You rolled a six? Smells like raw meat. Oh. Hmm. Is this like a regenerative vat or something, maybe? It smells like meat. Maybe it's a tartar pit. Or alien jerky. Roll a d4. Roll a d4. Classy d4 for a steak tartare, ref.

I got a three for that. Thanks, Will. I got a three too. I apologize for nothing. Two damage. I got a four. You guys roll so well when you're self-immolating. I'm going to go up to that door and take a quick look at it, see if there's any way to open the door. Okay, so on the door there is... It's a way to skip this room. Yeah, if you want to skip my puzzle. So on the door, the wires basically go into where there would be a doorknob.

Okay. But there's no lock or anything like that. There's like the sort of very small hole in the door where the two wires go in. Guys, what do you think Jack Bauer would do in a situation like this? Feels like he would cut the wire, right? I feel like we should not cut the wire. It may just trap us in this room. So if we tip this vat over, we could just get out of the way, right? There's not how big is the vat compared to the room? You can get out of the way. You wouldn't like be guaranteed to get your feet wet or any of that shit. You could totally just toss it out. Can you see Daryl Pearson? Can you see anything inside the liquid? Why don't you roll perception?

Pay attention, Beth. There's something in there. Pay attention, Beth. That's a 13 plus 3. That's a 16. Okay. Daryl, what do your dilfies see? So you can see muscle tendons. You can see a little bit of blood.

You can see some veins, but they're all like detached from one another. It's like those Halloween buffet things. It's ice. Yeah, it's great. It's just a bunch of grapes. And then can I lightly tug on the cable that's going into the vat? Just see if it's connected to anything. Just give it a light tug. Not that it would just yank it out. Yeah, if you give it a light tug, you can tell that it is connected primarily to the console that's mounted to the vat. So the settings, is it like...

to Terry Jr. or Terry Sr.? You could switch it to either Terry Jr. and then hit the button, or you can switch it to Terry Sr. and hit the button. And is it on either one of those? Right now, it's just in the dead center. Here's what I think, gentlemen. See, back in the 1990s, I had a CD-ROM video game, a multimedia FMV video game, as I believe what the kids called it. And it was called Myst. Wasn't FMV, but sure, Myst. Boy, oh boy, was it just a fantastic video game full of harebrained puzzles and

all sorts of crazy stuff. And this kind of reminds me that when I was playing mist, usually what I did was I just kind of poked at stuff and, you know, just fiddled with knobs and push buttons. And then you kind of got a sense of what they did. And then you, it would kind of slide together. So since this is the game room, this is probably the game. This is some big puzzle. And maybe if we get it right, like a guy made a needle come out and help. I hear, I hear what you're saying, Henry. The only thing I would say is that like, this is like where he lives, right?

This room is probably for something that he likes to do, not designed specifically for if some dads are coming to save the day. That's true. That's one of the hallmarks of the environmental storytelling in Myst was oftentimes you had to figure out what was going on there. It wasn't just a puzzle. See, that's why it really set Myst apart. There were these two brothers that were trapped in books. One liked blue pages, one liked red pages. It was very deep. They had a dad. And the red was more of a

pink. That was actually a Mrs. The original Dungeons and Daddies adventure. Mrs. The original Dungeons and Daddies. Holy shit. Alright, Henry, well, we can go ahead and I kind of turn the dial over to Terry Jr. I'm like, we can press the button and see what happens. I feel like we probably would rather have... Wait, no, we don't want another Terry Jr., right, Ron? Well, I feel like we kicked the shit out of Terry Sr. before, so listen, and I flex. Um, we could probably take him again if, you know, pushing the button somehow reanimates these body parts to make it... It can't be reanimation.

Well, you can do anything you set your body parts to. I flip the dial to Terry Sr. All right. But we don't have a bag of holding. You just said you want to press all the buttons. I push the button. You're sure? I push it. Okay.

Okay, you all are level five, right? Fuck's sake. No, because we didn't get a long rest. So we're level four. We're four going on five. Was this a puzzle? Was the door open? Daryl quickly like jiggles the handle, see if the door is open. No, the door is not open. Okay. So you press the button and you can immediately hear some bubbling within the vat of brown liquid. If you're looking into the glass, you can see that the liquid itself begins to start taking form. Not only that, it starts to take multiple forms.

Random goop becomes arms, hunks of meat become hands with fingers and legs and bipedal humanoids. And you see seven bipedal humanoids. But the thing that really catches your eye as they begin to crawl out of the vat towards you is the face. Oh, shit. I get it. The face morphs into not that of Terry Jr. and not that of Terry Sr.,

but of Ron Stampler. And you hear Ron Stampler's voice coming from the Mudmen, all seven Ron Mudmen saying, what do they say? They say something classic Ron. Okay, I get it. This is like a video game, but the video game is how many Rons do you want to fight? And so on Terry Jr. difficulty mode, it's probably like one Ron. And on Terry Sr. mode, it's like seven Rons because he's like Blade. So this is a difficulty mode.

So as you say that, you might want to roll initiative because the first Ron goes, I don't know, Beth, what's a classic Ron thing that he would have said in front of Terry that Terry would have found irritating? I know what Ron would say, but I can't speak for these seven evil Rons. I think I got to send it back to our DM, our genius of the hour, a man coming up with all the villains and good guys. It is Anthony Burch.

What does Ron say? So all the meat rounds go, I'm the dad that stepped up. I'm the dad that stepped up. And they start crawling towards you and one of them takes a swing at you. So now everybody roll initiative. I rolled a 22 initiative roll. I rolled a natural 20 for freaking. What's the point?

I get to go first. So do they. Wait, I get 20 plus one, though, so I got 21. Okay, so you go first. Yes. Your initiative is now figured out. It's going to be Matt, then it's going to be all the baddies, then it's going to be Beth, Freddie, and Will. Okay. In whatever order you want for that last three. There's seven of them. Are they all out of the vat already, or are some of them kind of climbing out? They're climbing out of the vat. Can we tip the vat over? Tip the vat, dude. Tip the vat.

drown these rons okay but well i could do that because i won them as literally swinging at ron right yeah one sort of managed to crawl its way halfway out and then just sort of took a swing at ron at the second he saw his face okay i think in this case uh daryl sprints and tries to push uh ron out of the way of the swing okay and i swing my word cleaver at the clay ron

Okay. So we'll just say for your movement that you just put yourself in between. How close do they look like Ron? Like in the chaos of battle, is there a chance we may have mistaken Ron with Clay Ron? No, because the clay from the neck down is like not great at approximating clothing. So it's approximating the last thing that Terry Jr. saw Ron in, which was like, I don't know, what does Ron wear on an average day at home?

Polo shirt. Polo shirt. Yeah, it doesn't have the like, do you still, you don't still have the doodler shirt on or any of that stuff, do you? No, just polo shirt. Oh, you're still wearing the same thing? Okay, then yeah, it is confusing. Nevermind. Well, but it would be like clay colored versus. Yeah, but it's like clay face where you can like, you know. I'm also wearing a clay color. Okay, very good. I'm going to swing up the head. Okay. Ooh,

Ooh, Ward Cleaver would be good if they're enchanted. Yeah, go ahead and roll an attack. Please hit. Will a four hit? Wow, no, not at all. So the Ward Cleaver sizzles through the air and just completely, utterly, with no chance of hitting him, whizzes right over his head. As I miss, Daryl is incredibly upset at himself. He goes, fucking piece of shit, Daryl. And he enters rage mode. So that way I can get some strength and help myself from dying. Against yourself? Yeah.

Raging in self-rage. I'm pretty angry. I'm pretty angry at myself right now for missing that. Oh, my God. It's so sad. All men need therapy. Yeah, Daryl definitely needs therapy. So does Matt. For different reasons. And now all seven of them are going to go. Hi-ho! The one that you swung at takes a swing back at you.

The first bad boy hits you for nine damage. Okay, so I gain advantage on strength checks, saving throws, plus two melee damage with strength weapons, resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage. What does resistance mean? It means that you take half damage from it. So you only take four damage. All right. So half damage is going to be helping. Yeah, he was punching, so that was bludgeoning. All right. The second one is going to try to do the same thing. He misses. Third one, critical.

Critical fails, accidentally punches another Ron mud man in the face and does... Jesus Christ. So one of the automatons accidentally sees you and goes, and then immediately punches the Ron right next to him and just decimates his face. His fist goes all the way through the clay of that other guy's face and it just fucking goes limp and then goes completely liquid and turns back into vat juice. So now one of them is just dead just by pure bad luck. I did it!

And there's like a drain in the middle of the floor, right? They got to wash. Yeah. Yeah. You now realize that the floor is a little bit inclined toward the center of the floor where, yeah, all the juice goes and goes into a drain. That's just good civil engineering. Now, I think the fourth one, Mrs. Jesus.

Fifth one, Jesus. And the last one actually does hit you, thank Christ. The final Ron. The final Ron. Final Ron. Ron seven, the final Ron. He only does two damage to you. Well, he did five and you have resistance, so he only does two damage. So you basically have these two Rons just like beating, trying to beat the shit out of your fucking knees while the other ones just go like, no.

I'm Ron, I'm fucking incompetent. While they just completely manage to miss you with every single other hit they have. That sounded a lot like Ron. Ron has the transmutation cantrip, Thaumaturgy. So Ron's version is Daddy's Home, where the enemy briefly hears the frightening voice of Ron's father. Oh, shit. Oh, that's really good. Oh, no. Oh, shit.

So all of the Rons, including real Ron, the RR, the double R, unfortunately hear, oh, you're Ron, you're so incompetent. That's right, you're incompetent. You're so incompetent. I'm disappointed. All right, why don't you roll intimidation with advantage? Does Ron self-intimidate by casting this spell? Nobody's more intimidated by Ron than Ron. Natural 20. Oh my God.

So the two Ron Clay men that were attacking Daryl, you see their fists go back, except to hit him one more time, and then they hear the voice of your father, and their fists just stop, and their arms go slack, and they just slowly, like, politely climb off of Daryl. And all of them, without even looking at each other, without even deciding it, they all just climb back into the vat. Ha ha ha!

And then just like slowly while maintaining eye contact with just you all slowly begin to sort of like melt. As they begin to melt, one of them like extends a hand to Ron. Like, do you want to join us? Because this is, we know how you feel because that's how we feel.

Next time, buddy. All right, all of them choose to melt. Anthony, I have a very important question. Do any of the Rons do a Terminator thumbs up? Is Ron cool enough to have watched the Terminator? Ron gives them finger guns and he winks.

Good enough. So yeah, what you thought was just a bunch of clay and liquid, but then two fingers like come up out of it and do finger guns right back at you and then melt back down into the muck. And then the door behind you opens and definitely gets advantage now because they got finger gun back by a dad. Yeah. Oh yeah, it's true. You have advantage on charisma checks and stuff. Nice.

You know, this is actually like another one of those video games that we got one of the boys that was like a virtual console game is I think what they called it called Zelda. And in Zelda, they would have these rooms where you had to fight a bunch of goblins or or wizards. And then the room would unlock once it was done. So it is like the game room. You know, I think I'm starting to appreciate the design of this crazy old tower. Also, Ron, are you OK? That was really intense. You know.

It's just a game. It's just a game. You know what, Rana? If you think about it, though, if this is where Terry's been living, at least in one way you could think is that he has a machine where he could hang out with you. He spends time with you, kind of. And you're on his mind. Yeah, you're on his mind. Yeah, and I'm on his floor, too. Yeah.

And clogging up his drains. Well, let's think about the philosophical implications of everything we just did later and press on further into this dungeon. That's a theme for this adventure, isn't it? As he walks, Daryl's kind of just like looking at the wire and kind of disappointed. Like nobody, nobody like gaff taped this thing or like kept it safe. Like it's kind of like...

Daryl, this looks like an OSHA hazard, doesn't it? Yeah, this is like, I don't care, just a little bit of tape, a little bit of tack, a little staples on the side of the thing. This thing could have been, God, somebody could trip over this. This looks like Freddy's apartment when he's recording podcasts. I like that this magic vat needed a wire to plug into the door. Otherwise, how will you know that the vat and the door have something to do with each other?

I thought it was going to be like, oh, here's a vat and here's a door that's locked for reasons I'll never understand. And then you die of starvation in this room. Damn. Anthony's a true daddy master game designer, guys. Take notes. Yeah, good job. Hands in the middle. That was a good first room, everybody. Let's do a hands in the middle when we win. All right. Okay. Why don't we lose, though? Oh, gosh, you're right, Daryl. All right. Hands in the middle, everybody. Doodlers. One, two, three. Doodlers. One room down. Hopefully just a few more to go.

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So you head up again, and now you are in a very large and ornate dining room with beautiful chandeliers on the top coming from the ceiling. Terry's must have been working up an appetite kicking your ass, Ron. And a very large, long Gothic table with one chair at one end and one chair at another. And there's a very large chair with an ornate black wooden back with like fucking bats and demon stuff like carved into it. And then there's more humble, like cute, small chair on the other end. Carved like a gamer chair?

I hadn't thought about it that way, but yeah, I feel like that's probably what he would have done. Yeah, it looks like a fucking Razor HyperX gamer chair. But carved out of wood. But carved out of wood. How many stairs have we gone up? You've gone up two floors. Two floors. Daryl goes to the closest chair and just sits down and puts his leg up on the chair and goes, oh man, old football injury, this needs hurting. Okay, so as you sit down into the chair without examining it at all, you're like,

This beauty in the beast ass room. You feel a sharp prick in the back of your neck. Oh, shit. Tell me the happiest memory that Daryl has of his father. Whoa. Shit.

Okay. The happiest memory Daryl has of his father is after his first day of peewee football, his dad wasn't there to pick him up from practice because he was at work and Daryl was sad. And when his mom picked him up when he got home, Daryl's dad had rushed home and had a new football for him and a jersey that said Daryl on it and said, Hey, you want to – sorry I mispracticed, but we can keep practicing if you want and open the door to bring him outside. Cool. You don't have that memory anymore. Oh!

So that that memory is siphoned from your mind and you feel it like leave through your neck and across the room. You can see the other chair, this like gray glowing fluid just goes and like spurts it out of a similar needle on the other chair. But it just sort of flaps around and all the liquid just goes on the table and begins to evaporate. And you can see within the vapor that was the memory of that you had that you no longer have.

But he has it now because he just saw it, the memory. No, he saw it disappear and now he doesn't understand what it was. Oh, fuck. Hey, Daryl, can I sit on that seat? Oh, man, it's weird. This chair, like, I felt my knees hurting, but I felt like a little prick in my neck and I don't really know how to explain it, but I think it...

I think it took something from me and then it spit out. Do you guys see that? Yeah, it just looked like a bunch of gray goo and then like something about a football. That was just intuitively. It just kind of I felt a football when I looked at it. I don't know how to explain this. Matt could explain it as he's figured out the puzzle he thinks. But me, Daryl, I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like this chair took something from me.

And it feels like that chair spit it out. You know, that's interesting because the kids mentioned that Terry senior, when they, he drank their blood, he took something else from them. And I wonder if it's the same thing. Oh,

Maybe this is like the room where he does that kind of thing. It's definitely like this is a kid chair and that's like a big boy chair over there. Henry, this is a gamer chair. And that over there appears to be some kind of adult chair. How much did it hurt? It was just emotional damage. Okay. So you don't have to take all I'm playing it like that. That devastated Matt, the player, but I'm playing it since he just lost the memory. I feel like Daryl doesn't know. It's like it's like in a doctor who when the memory is gone, it's just it's just gone. It's just gone. So he doesn't know what happened. He can't feel the hurt because he didn't.

He doesn't remember. He doesn't realize what happened. I don't know, guys. Like, Ron, you want to try something? This shirt did something weird. Like, I felt a little prick, and then the... Guys, I don't know if we should be trying unclean needles in a vampire's castle. I'm just saying. I'm just saying my knee feels better, too. Whoa, interesting.

I'm just saying my knee feels better. Is there a door in this room? Yeah, I mean, there's just a staircase headed up. I was literally going to explain before you just sat in a chair, but there's just like, you could just go up the next flight of stairs. There's nothing stopping you. There's another flight of stairs at the end of the room. I'm going to go ahead and inspect the room with a perception roll to see if there's any goodies that Anthony is hiding from us. I mean, there are goodies. There's a chair that gets rid of my most precious memories.

I got a 23. 23? My goodness. With a 23, you can tell that there is a small button on one of the armrests of the adult chair that looks like it's connected to... You feel like it's magically connected, not with a wire. A psychic wire. Because that's more immersive. Thank you, Anthony. I couldn't believe it before, but now I'm fully bought in.

There's a button there and with your 23 you can tell that pressing it is not going to be dangerous. That is probably fine. Hey guys, I'm going to press this button. Alright, do what you want man. I'm feeling pretty good in this chair. Okay. Not that I need a rest or anything. I feel fine. I just, you know, old football injury. Can I at least sit in the other chair? Yeah, I guess if you want to take a load off, Ron, take a load off. Just be careful about your neck because that thing did something to his neck and you know, seems like maybe a vampire thing. Okay. I'm going to sit down and I'm going to lean forward and I'm going to be like, pass the butter. Nice.

I'm going to press this button and see what happens. I'm real curious. So I press the button. Okay, so you press the button, and from the center of the table, a panel opens up, and you see a small row of like 10 books sort of lift out along with a couple of goblets and some pretty delicious looking food, food that looks like it was just baked.

or just cooked or whatever. All the books are there except for one in the middle, which is missing. And you can see that the book to the left of the open space is called Anatomy of Creatures Great and Small. And then the book to the right of the empty space is called Attack of the Goblin King. But other than that, there's like big old turkey legs and grapes and drinks. Anthony, are we playing by final fight rules? Will eating a turkey leg give me some health back? You can find out.

I'm going to take a big ol' sniff of that. No, Glenn, don't eat the food. It's vampire food. He already did it. No, I'm just, I'm taking a big ol' sniff of it. Oh, you're going to sniff. Yeah. I'm like a feral animal. I'm going to check and smell it before I eat it. And that's a 19 perception. With your 19 perception, you can tell that it is delicious. It is magically formed. Like, it's not actually going to give you a whole lot of nutritional value because it's just basically just conjured out of the... It's like processed food, basically. Yeah, it's processed food. It's like Dunkaroos. Ha ha ha ha.

It's a Lunchables. It tastes like turkey, but it is essentially no different than Dunkaroos, and that is canon. I'm disappointed by this. Yeah, but it's not going to hurt you. Daryl gets up and is like, I guess we should just leave this room, guys. Well, hang on. I want to check out some of these neat old books, you know? Yeah, I just didn't expect that while we were in this fantasy world with, like, swords and axes, there'd be so much reading. Ha ha!

All right, I get it. Let's read some books. Now, the third time I've attempted to hand you away out of this situation, you found yourself dead. What kind of book would be between attack and anatomy? The remaining books are, you see a cookbook, you see a potion book, you see a book about making poisons, you see a book about how to father-son bond. Ooh, let's take that one. Yeah, I think, could I just, yeah, I'm just gonna. You wanna hold that one, Ron? Yeah, I'm gonna hold it. Do you open it up?

Yeah. Okay, so it's a book called The Bond Between Father and Son. And when you open it up, you see that it is, rather than being a psychology book, it's like a how-to book. And it basically describes the way that one can use love of one's father as a sustenance.

essentially that you can like vampirically suck away somebody's love and that that is a better form of sustenance than like blood. It's basically written by and for vampires. It does feel like that's probably why he was disguised. Again, I believe he was disguised as Terry Sr. And that was the way he was getting the love from Terry Jr. is to pretend to be Terry Sr. and getting all that love and staying alive for a long time. Well, if he was an emotional vampire, could I maybe be an emotional werewolf? Yeah.

What does that mean? How about you just can be an emotional dad that Terry Jr. needs instead of a vampire? You don't want to be a vampire. Vampires are bad things. Well, he's saying werewolves. Yeah, but werewolves are also bad. It is hard, Ron. It is hard. I will try that, but I will also be an emotional werewolf where once a month I just howl. You can do that. That's great. Just don't be where you're only an emotional father like once a month. That's what I would think an emotional werewolf is. True, but you know...

I just want to howl sometimes. You want to howl right now? Yeah. You howl your heart out, buddy. Okay. Terry, I don't know if you can hear me in this tower, but I love... From beneath you, you hear Peyton be like, what's going on? Is that, are you okay? Yeah, we're good, Peyton. Henry wipes a tear from his eye. It's a beautiful display of Ron's love. I think we should press forward, gentlemen.

Each room is more interesting and more intriguing than the last. Who knows what we'll find on the next level of Anthony's Dungeon. All right. Daryl stands up and cracks his knee. Let's do this thing. As you do, you hear this as the needle leaves your neck.

This room didn't deserve, we don't need a hands in the middle for this room. Feels like we just looked at some fake food and grabbed a book. You walk up the flight of stairs to the next room. And in this room, you see another flight of stairs heading up one more level. And then you see a door, one might say an optional door on the left with a lion's face sort of carved into it out of stone and the word open carved into its forehead.

And one of the mocking bats that you heard in the foyer sits on the nose of the lion and says, Oh, welcome, welcome. Remember, only opens this door if you have grown tired of leaving, if you have lost everything that makes you you and you wish to end it all. Otherwise, stay away from this door. Stay away. And the bat flies away. And yeah. Yeah.

I had some follow-up questions for that bat. Basically, after the bat flies away, the lion's face on the door goes, bonjour. And you see that it begins to move and it's an animate face in this door. Is this where he keeps his porn? Is this just the porn room? Non.

Yeah, guys, this is just going to be his dirty porn room with all of his like, this is his porn room. 100%. This is where he keeps his pornos. When I play the few video games that Grant lets me play, I usually just kind of, I only have so much time, so I just go straight through the dungeon. Then like, maybe if I'm going to do like a new game plus or something, I might go to the optional paths. You're telling me Daryl Wilson knows new game plus.

It sounds to me, Daryl, like you play a little bit more video games than you let on. No. It's okay if you play video games, so you don't have to couch it behind your son. Video games are fun. Yeah, like Madden. I don't remember Madden having a new game plus. FIFA.

Doesn't have a new game plus. So are we going to open this door or what? Well, we're going to get back to that conversation. But hi, is this the Lion Talk? Is Mr. Lion? Oui. What do you got back there? Parlez le monde de PESSE.

Say that again in English. Piss. Parlez les mots de piss. Piss, man. Speak a little piss. Speak a little... Do you know English? No, no, no, no. It's the porno room. I'm telling you guys, it's the piss and shit. Terry's seeing your vampires into some weirdo shit. Hey, guys, does anyone know anybody who speaks French? Anybody know French?

Like we could call him. Ron knows Beth who took and failed French 2 in sophomore year of high school. But Beth playing Ron didn't know the answer right now, right? I mean, if you want to say that at some point when Beth and Ron were hanging out that Beth like gave him some very remedial French, you can. It's up to you.

But Beth, who I am right now, knows no French. It's the only issue. But you calling Beth would be you talking to Anthony playing Beth. Yeah. But you did just let Anthony know that you don't know French. Let Anthony know that I failed French 2, but I did pass French 1. Okay. So you can count.

Have you guys got Google Translate on your phone or something? Jeepers. No, I got Snake. That's all I got. Oh, okay. So Henry has an older iPhone, but it does have Siri. The screen's cracked, but maybe what we can do is have... Can Siri translate? Like if I say, hey, Siri... I feel like you get to roll and you get to pull your phone out and try it. Okay. I feel like...

I'm going to try to translate what Anthony says in French via French. Okay. First, take out your phone, turn it on, and then roll to see if it shuts off or not. Oh, no. Where's he at now? You got to get higher than a three. I got a 15. Perfect. Will is taking off his headphones and walking across the room with his phone. Mr. Door, what is behind you? Hey, Siri, translate this. Okay. What would you like to translate? Je n'ai plus pas de beer. Je n'ai que une bière.

So guys, get ready to have your minds blown. According to Siri, he just said that Jeanette who had a beer. Wait, beers in there? I think there's beer in there and some woman named Jeanette. Jeanette? Jeanette? Oh dear. Ron takes out his phone. Get a higher than a three?

20. Nice. Just wasting them 20s. Well, with a 20, it's going to stay at exactly the level it was. You don't have to get a four now. You're just doing a three. Ron is going to call his friend and his creator Beth May in Los Angeles. Wait, now really quick. Beth is Ron's mom, right? Canonically, or are we just saying? It's not that Beth is Ron's mom. It's that she made him. I see. Okay. She made him who he is. Don't overthink it. Yeah. I got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're more than friends, less than lovers. Exactly.

Exactly. If only you knew how true it was. At least so far. Hey, what's up? Hey, Beth. It's Ron. Hey, Ron. What's going on? I know that you were quite the C student in high school, and that's better than I got. So I was wondering if I could get a little advice about the French language. Ooh, I only know un peu of French, but yeah, sure.

He said a poo. That means a little bit. That means a little bit. See, you're better than I thought. Could you translate this? Actually, let me just ask this lion door. It's a long story. Yeah, I mean, I'll just go with it. Yeah, no, that's what you do. Pretty unflappable. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. You get so nervous sometimes. Yeah, but, like, I'll roll with it. Okay, that's good. Oh, you're so fun. Anyway...

Let me just ask this door what to say, and then I'll say it into the phone for you. Hey, Mr. Door Lion. Oui. This is insane. What did you just say to Henry? Je dis que j'ai une peau patetée. And you hear Beth go, oh, that's somebody with a horrible French accent saying, I said I can't tell you. Ha!

I want to kill myself. Well, then it sounds like you should open the door. Yeah, you're ready to go through the door. All right, Henry. All right. Henry's had quite enough of this. The door sees how frustrated you all are getting, and it says, Je boussandeux me dépasses. You hear Beth say, So, je boussandeux means I need...

So mot de passe, what does mot de passe mean? I don't know. They didn't teach me that in French one. Dust? Like a dust moot? Hey, Ron, can I talk to Beth? Yeah, please do. I grabbed the phone. Hey, Beth, I don't really know you, but you... Who's this? Hey, this is Daryl. Daryl Wilson. Nice to meet you. Hey, I guess nice to meet you. Yeah, sorry. We're just... You do have a computer in front of you, right? Can you just quickly check that for us on Google Translators or something? Sure, yeah.

Canonically, Beth's Firefox is accidentally set to search Yahoo. All right, I'm going to go to Yahoo and see if I can... Wait, is there Yahoo Translate? No, no, there's Bing Microsoft Translator. I googled Bing Microsoft Translator.

You Googled Bing. That's very good. So yeah, this works. So Beth goes like, yeah, you know how much I love to use Bing? Me too, me too. So yeah, it looks like mot de passe means password. So I guess it was saying speak the password. Oh, hey everybody, it needs a password. The door needs a password. I tossed the phone back to Ron. Okay. Well, Beth, it looks like, I mean, we could chat for another half hour. I'm always happy to talk to you, my friend who is more than a friend and less than a lover.

So far, wink wink. I like the way you're thinking, Ron. Yeah. I'm not really in a place where I feel like that's something I want. I know you're not. Yeah. You don't want it and you don't need it. No, I don't. I'm enough on my own. You are. You're more

more than that. I just wish you so much happiness and I think that you can get through this. Whatever this is. I know I can. I absolutely can. And all my friends feel the same way about me. That's great, Beth. Anyway, have a good night. Yep. I'm going to go talk to some people who message all the other Dungeons and Daddies guys and say how much they love Beth. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Sounds great. Love you. Bye. Love you. Bye. Whoa. So, I mean, password? Okay, so the door needs a password. And what's it say up top again? It says the word open is written on it in the forehead of the line. What's the French word for open? So, Henry says, you know what? I'll talk to my good friend, Siri. I think she can crack this one for us. Hey, Siri, what's the French word for open? In French, open is...

So as the phone says that, the line goes, multi-pass accepté! And its mouth opens. It gets wider and wider and wider until eventually it's the size of a full doorway. And you can see beyond it into the next room. And in the next room, behind it, is a...

pressure plate in front of a door. We've faced one of these before, didn't we? We saw a little pressure plate action. So, first of all, hey, great teamwork, everyone, getting that door open. Thanks to technology obviating any puzzle that a dungeon master can throw at us. Rhonda Beth, ladies, helped us twice now. She has. It's pretty cool. Yeah.

Should we check out? I got an idea. We could grab some of the books from downstairs and throw them on the pressure plate. Good idea. I should have seen that coming. We could go grab all the books and then... And a turkey leg just in case it needs capacitive touch. So Glenn, you wanted to... What?

Freddie warms up the turkey leg. So, Glenn, you want to toss those books on one at a time from a safe distance? Yeah, let's do the old tossing books onto a pressure plate trick that we've done in the past. Okay. I mean, yeah. As you enter the room, you see like, oh, there's a hole in the door that

like is pointed at like where you might stand on the pressure plate and then you throw a book on the pressure plate and the door just opens. There's a mocking bat in that room that before it can even finish what it's saying because you just throw the book on it, it goes like, don't step on the pressure plate. This is a puzzle. Am I telling the truth or not? Who knows? And then you...

And then you throw a book on it and the door just opens. And then behind it is another, is an almost identical room with another pressure plate. And the bat says, ooh, do step on the pressure plate with this one. Am I lying? Don't tell me the truth. Who knows? Glenn throws a few more books on there. Well, the first one said don't do it. But it could be a double bluff. Whatever. I don't like to overthink this sort of stuff. I'm going to chuck some books on it. Ron leads forward toward the pressure plate and says, everybody.

everyone's counting on you. There's some extra pressure on there. So the statement of pressure and the book land on it and the door just opens again. I wonder which one of it did that. And then behind that, there's a third room.

And this one, the bat says, like, who knows what to do with this one? Who knows? It could be anything. Ron leans forward and says, should we get married?

Where is this going between us? Hey, pressure plate, what are we? I'll just chuck another book on it. The door just opens. And then you see this final room where there is a book surrounded by a ring of fire. Well, okay. Yeah, on the ground you see some porn.

I knew it, guys. I knew it. It's clearly not the focus of the room, though. Wait, is it vampire porn? Yeah. It's just people consensually biting each other. Vampire porn is probably just a lot of photos from the Red Cross giving blood and stuff. It's like people lying there and getting their blood drawn. Yeah, it's people donating blood. It's like somebody with a running nose. It's an angel comic book. Yeah, it's just angels. It's just pictures of David Boreanaz.

So yeah, in the center of the room, there is a little podium with a book on it that's surrounded by a ring of fire. And a mocking bat in this room says, Remember, this is only if you wish to commit suicide, you will finally know the secrets of how to kill a vampire. This entire room was constructed before Anthony thought you would kill the boss before entering the tower in the first place.

Whoops. We already learned how to kill a vampire, everybody. Yeah, I would be pretty impressed if it said put a bag over its head and cut the bag. If you guys don't mind, though, we could probably take a few extra seconds to kind of destroy some of the smut and I start picking up...

I pick up a handful of the magazine. I toss them in the fire. All right. All right. I'm just keep doing that until people stop me. Ron saves one Red Cross flyer. While Daryl's doing it, he slips one of the magazines. Roll side of hand.

Come on, David Blaine, show us what you got. I got a 14. Can I roll an opposing perception check? Yeah, everybody roll opposing perception. Were people watching me as I was picking up the... You're the only person doing anything in the room. I guess that would be a passive perception, wouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah, okay, so what's your passive perceptions, everybody? I have a 20 passive perception. Oh, well, then you definitely noticed. I got 11. I didn't see shit. I have a 13. So only Henry Oak saw it.

And I let it go. Do you like? No. Okay, I don't even know that you look at me. Do you know that he knows? I want a counterpassive perception check. Does he know that you know that he knows? D&D is really great, guys. Daryl takes a step away and then he feels guilty and he takes out his pocket and throws it in the fire. Wow, that was a lot. Do we know? You had a whole three-act arc there. Do we know that he threw it in the fire?

I think we should take this book, guys. I'm not going to lie. There might be some interesting vampire facts in there. I didn't take any book.

Oh, yeah. No, I meant the book in the fire, not the porn that you destroyed. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Let's take the book. Okay, so as you reach toward the book, you can tell that it'll hurt a little bit if you take it. So you'll take a D4 of damage if you take the book. I'm going to throw one of the other books onto it, like try to knock it off. Sort of like a high-impact Indiana Jones replacing the idol. Like a carnival game. Like, hey, I played a little Ultimate in college, guys. I bet you I got this one. Yeah, go for it, Glenn.

baby. That's a natural 20. These dice are loaded. Matt, check that dice. I'm not touching it. Take a look, Matt. I trust him. I don't want to get up. Bad knees. All right. So you throw a fucking potion how-to book perfectly and like it right through the ring of fire and hits it right out of the ring of fire perfectly and takes its original spot. If there were any pressure traps, which there were, they don't trigger.

Nothing triggers. And yet you now have a book that teaches you how to kill vampires.

Yeah, see, guys? Who said the ultimate frisbee would ever pay off? I'll add that to the collection. I love throwing discs, man. Nice throw I put out for a fist pound. I dabbed that fist with my fist. I'll add it to our book collection, and let's move on. Okay, so you head up into another room, and you can see that, again, at the end of the room, there's another stairway if you want to just skip this room, and you can see some daylight streaking in through the top. You can tell that whatever the next room is, that's going to be the last room in this tower.

And in this room, you see that this is a bedroom. It's got nice, soft carpeting, really soft, tasteful lighting on like the candlelight and shit like that. And there is a small bed at one end of the room and at the other end of the room, a pretty large coffin. Daryl sits down in the bed. This needs really hurting me.

All right. Ron sits down in the coffin. Okay, so as you sit down in the bed, it's just comfy. It seems like a normal ass bed. Nothing special about it. As you sit down in the coffin, you immediately smell something really rank. Why don't you roll perception? A two. All right. You just smell something really bad. Oh, Ron. It wasn't me. I'm going to take a closer look at this coffin, gentlemen. Why don't you roll perception or investigation?

Uh, six plus five, 11 with 11. You can feel a slight draft coming from, uh, the coffin, the coffin. Yeah. There's something up with this coffin. It's like windy and stinky. I think there's like a magical fart trapped in this. I take a look at the room and I'm like, wait a minute.

There's nowhere for this guy to poop. We've gone through all the floors of this damn castle, and there hasn't been a single bathroom. Did you guys see a bathroom in there? You think he poops in this coffin? I don't know. Probably not the bed, right? That's not the bed. The coffin's the only one. I bet you he poops in there. What about that poop-colored, you know, the liquid? Yeah. That's where he keeps his runs.

Oh. But I mean, it does seem like the sort of guy that would. Ron and poop? What's the difference? Yeah. I'm going to, I open the coffin lid. Okay. So the coffin is empty completely. He flushed recently. And you notice that the smell doesn't get any stronger when you open the coffin. Can I do another perception roll? Yeah, sure. Okay. Why not? 18.

Okay. With an 18. So the coffin is on the, I probably should have mentioned earlier. The coffin is like on the ground. It's not like a standing up, like walk out vampire Dracula coffin. It's just like laying on the ground. And with an 18, you can feel the draft is coming from beneath the coffin. Oh,

Guys, help me move this coffin. All right, let's push this coffin. But be careful. Stay on the edges of the coffin because there could be like a booby trap underneath this thing and I don't want anyone falling into it. So stay on the opposite. Okay, Glenn and Ron, you take that end of the coffin. Me and Daryl are going to take this end of the coffin. On three, lift with your legs. Wait, I want the other end of the coffin.

Okay, you can take the other end of the comment. Lift with your knees and not with your back. Lift with your back in a jerking, twisting motion. I'll lift with my back. Thank you very much. My knees are really killing me. I get in perfect squat position. This man's carried a lot of amps in his day, I can tell. Listen, guys, as a man on the road, you just throw your back out once, it'll screw up your whole Christmas tour, guys. You gotta lift with your legs. Not with your knees. You'll lift with your knees. All right, Daryl and Ron roll Constitution. Ha ha ha!

And I got a four. Plus one, so that's five. I got a plus three on constitution, and I rolled a 19, so 22. Oh, wow. Okay, so your back is ironclad, apparently. Beth, you take a d4 of damage for throwing out your back. Two. Okay. What does Ron's back hurt dad sound like? Grr.

Sterile nods. Sorry, buddy. Okay, so you all successfully move the coffin aside, and underneath the coffin you see that there is basically a little alcove that's been dug out, and within the alcove is the corpse that you can immediately recognize, Ron, from the pictures that Samantha told you, the body of Terry Sr. It is human. It is not as decomposed as it probably should be, given how long you know he's been dead, but you can immediately recognize that this is the human body.

of Terry Sr. God, that's so scary. Gonna give me a heart attack. Oh, man. I am so glad I did not poop in this coffin. We're not dead and we didn't kill Terry Sr. I feel like this has been a win. This is a win overall, everyone. I'm gonna spitball something.

And this is sometimes as for dad adventures in another realm, we're trying to rescue their sons. You need a safe space to pitch something crazy, to talk about something that could be weird, but I just got to get it out there. Just a sanity check.

It seems to me if we could convince Terry's junior that his real dad actually is dead, then maybe some of this emotional trauma would go away. Unfortunately, it does seem like the only way to convince him that his dad is dead would be to show him his dead dad. Yeah. Or...

What if we did some sort of skinwalker routine? No, no, Ron. Anyways, with this body here, should we say a few words or something? I think we should. Ron, would you like to do that? Sure. Dear Terry Sr., the real Terry Sr., who is not a vampire but is still dead, I like your wife, your ex-wife very much, and your ex-son very much, too.

You were very lucky to have them. And, um... I guess they were lucky to have you, but I... I just... Listen, bud. You're dead, and I'm alive, so, um... In conclusion, I win. Uh, rest your soul.

That was great, Ron. Thanks. I have an idea. Is it just to do the reasonable thing and bring Terry Jr. down here and talk through it? Yeah. So here's what I think. I think we have a coffin. You know, when one of my beautiful boys, Larkin Sparrow, when their grandma, Grandma Binbin died,

It's a long story. It's very cute, but that's what they called her. One of the things that helped them get closure is when we went to the funeral and they had the body and the casket. And that's a way that people can kind of move on. Ah, okay.

So we take Terry Jr. down here, show him the casket. And he's like, oh, I don't believe that. I'm still mad at you, Ron. But then we do a pop goes the weasel. And inside is Terry Sr.'s body. And he's like, you were right. You were right all along. I love you and I appreciate you. And I'm glad that you're my stepdad.

That's halfway there. I just don't feel like we need to surprise him. I feel like you kind of want to lead. You want him to kind of go at his own pace with it because this is going to be very hard for him. Yeah. Ron, this is going to be, you're going to need to step up more than you've ever stepped up before. Sidebar, how fucked up does this corpse look? Uh,

It's definitely fucked up enough that it is recognizable as Terry Sr., so it would prove your point, but it would also... This isn't like a, oh, they made it all nice for the... No, this is definitely not going to... It would probably exacerbate his mental issues, but... Just taking a look at the decomposed corpse here...

I don't think anyone, especially not this corpse's son, would ever want to see this guy. Look, I know this is uncomfortable, but death is an uncomfortable thing. Like, he lost his father. He doesn't believe his father's dead. It's going to be rough, too. He's going to be reliving this, but he's doing that anyways.

And if seeing the corpse is going to be the only way that this kid can accept it, that's going to be, look, these things happen. Dog, this corpse is so mangled. Yeah, it's a dead body. It's not going to be great. You know what? That's an image that he's not going to be able to forget, man. You can't do that, dude. That's so uncool. Do you think that maybe it might be a little better than the image of us decapitating a healthy live one? It's too late for that one.

Yeah. So because Terry has taken such emotional trauma over the last couple sessions, this conversation with him is going to be kind of like a persuasion boss fight. So rather than just rolling once, you're going to have to see if you can get a certain number of victories of persuasion before you get a certain number of losses. And some things you'll do will give you advantage and some things will give you disadvantage. Yeah.

Um, so you can go in with multiple strategies you want to. There doesn't necessarily have to be one. It's not going to be a straight you win, you lose. But, um, yeah, some things will definitely do more like emotional. He has like emotional HP and emotional like progress in terms of getting him onto your side. Okay. First of all, I think we should move the body from the pit into the coffin or the bed.

But good on you for thinking, Ron, you know, about how to make it better. So I think we move the body into the coffin. I think we go up there, and I think we have an honest... Put the lime in the coffin.

I think we go up there and we just have to have a talk with this young man. No, we don't move it. Of course we don't move it. We leave this as it is. We need to tell him what this guy and you're going to have to be ready for him to want to look when I found out that my father died. The first thing I want to do is see his body. So you're just going to be ready for him to want to see this corpse. It's not a decision for us. Ultimately, everybody sometimes a boy just wants to see a corpse.

That's not what he wants to see and maybe what he needs to see, Ron. Okay, and you're sure that we shouldn't put the body in a place that's a little bit more respectful and less traumatic than being in the hole we found him in? No, because the whole point here is we need to get him away from whatever this other Terry vampire guy did. He's been lying to him. This guy's been lying to him, saying that he's his dad. We need to show how awful he is here, but when we can't, again, touch...

A crime scene. Um, guys, well, maybe knowing that it will be really hard for Terry to see this like really messed up body. Maybe I'm not stepping up to convince him that it's real, but I got to step up to just be there for him after he sees it. Cause it's, it's pretty fucked up and I, I might need to talk to somebody too, but, um,

If there's a way that he will believe it without having to see the corpse. That's ideal. Again, we can bring him down here and explain what's happened and hopefully he'll not want to see it. That feels like a last resort. The corpse is a last resort. But if he wants to see it, we can't be pressuring him not to see it. He's going to... It is his father. It is his right to look at it if he wants to. And if that's the only thing that's going to get him past...

this delusion and the lies that he's been told, then that's what it's going to be. And it's going to be hard to, you're going to have to be there for him, Ron, after he sees it. I understand all of that. I'm just, my only thing is, do we want to put the corpse in the coffin just so that it's not, I mean, it's one thing to see your parent dead. It, you know, it's another thing to have to see them dead in the context of the crime scene that you found them in. Ron,

Ron, what do you want to do? Ron, it's your play. You're the quarterback. Ron reaches for the body. Oh, boy. Henry goes to help Ron with the body. Hey there, buddy. Ron is like, my fingerprints are not touching this. My fingerprints are nowhere near here. Hey there, buddy. Let's straighten out this mummified shirt of yours.

there you look much better and then ron tries to put him into the coffin i'm gonna help ron put him in he's light enough that it is no problem you definitely you just put him in the coffin easily i'm heavier than this guy by the way i think i look a little bit better too um let's see all right but we should close the coffin before we go upstairs i'm gonna put that on the table just

Just also remember that the last thing he saw in this coffin was a guy that looked just like Terry Senior. But hey, you know, don't listen to Daryl. It's all right. All right. Well, you put in the coffin. I see what I see. I see your point. But then we I mean, I'm genuinely at a loss here. It's Ron. It's your call. Ron wants to do it this way. We're going to do it Ron's way. Does anybody have sunglasses we can put on or something?

Daryl has sunglasses. Daryl has sunglasses. Daryl, can I have your sunglasses? No, Ron. We're not. Should we go talk to Terry Jr.? I think we should go talk to Terry Jr. All right. Bye, Terry Sr. We'll see you soon. We're going to cover the coffin, though. Yeah, we put the clothes. That's why I'm saying goodbye to him.

I take the business card that says you're welcome and I put it in his front pocket. No, no, you shouldn't do that. I got to grab it. Don't put the business card in the corpse. Like you're a serial killer and you're leaping your calling card there, Ron. I take more of my business cards out.

All right. Daryl's exacerbated. He just lays down the bed. He's like, I'm trying to help. You know what? You guys do what you need to do. I lean toward the corpse and I say, hey, Terry, help me be a good father. I mean, stepfather, because I got to step up pretty hard right now.

All right, are you going to head upstairs? Yeah. Okay, so you head upstairs and you are at the top of the tower. You see a balcony, basically, that Terry Jr. is standing on inside a sort of runic circle with pentagram and a bunch of weird sigils and shit. Wind is completely localized to him blowing his hair back or whatever. And he's reading from a book that's called The Astral Plane and You. And he's like, he's like trying to like do sigils in the air with his fucking fingers and shit like that. And next to him off the balcony, you see a little toilet seat. That's where they shit.

Oh, my God. But the thing that grabs your eye the most is Terry Jr. trying to cast some spells to get to the astral plane. Oh, that's really bad. Oh.

Hey, hey, Terry. Um, it's me, Ron. Just, um, what you doing there, kiddo? So are you walking toward him or are you just saying it from a distance? I'm saying it from a distance. So he looks up at you and he just goes, and grunts and just looks back and starts flipping through the book even more hurriedly. Come on, come on, come on. I start walking toward him. Hey, if you need any tutoring or anything, um, that is something I learned, um,

So as you get closer, you see that the runic sigils at his feet light up and you're stopped by an invisible sort of wall of force. Wow, that's some algebra I never passed. So maybe I can't tutor you on that. Anyways, can I get past this force field, please, Terry? He tries to squint and like squeeze your voice out of his head, but he can't. And he just goes, no, Ron, please, for the last time, just leave. But Terry, I'm here.

Yeah, that's the problem. That's always been the problem. Are you not getting that? I get it just fine, but I love you too much to leave. That does a little bit of damage to his resolve. That's good. So he goes, I...

I appreciate that, but I know what I need, and what I need is not you. What I need I had, and then he left, and then he came back, and then you cut off his head, so I'm going to go find his head, and I'm going to have my dad back. Well, it sounds like you still don't have what you need, and I don't think you're going to find what you need in the astral plane either. Well, this book says otherwise. Well, what does it say? I'm not a tutor.

It says all I gotta do is go to the astral plane. If I can just finish this spell, which would be a lot easier if you were around, I just gotta concentrate, then I can go to the astral plane, and once you're there, time doesn't move in the same way, so I can just be with him for all time, and it would be great. Terry, can I ask you something? What did you like about your dad?

What did I like about him? Jesus Christ. He was my dad. He wasn't trying really hard to just sort of be this guy that I needed to respect. He was just himself. And he was caring, and he was funny, and he was nice, and my mom liked him. And he was a great guy, and he always read me fucking stories. I don't know what you want me to tell you. And he was alive, right?

Yes, that was probably my favorite thing about him. So you did some damage to his... He's taken the opposite damage to now he's less likely to go with you. So he's got wins and losses, basically. And you have one win and one loss in this conversation. What if I told you you're not going to find him in the astral plane? Because I know where he is.

The wind around his, like, that's blowing his hair around, like, stops. And he goes, what do you mean you know where he is? I know he's in the astral plane. That's where you sent him. That's where you sent his head. He's in this tower. I mean, I gotta, you know, spoiler alert you. It's not, you know, necessarily a better option. But I know where he is, and you can talk to him. He's just not gonna talk back. What the fuck does that mean? I mean...

Ron, talk about how the other guy was a fake. I mean, that other guy was a phony, like even phonier than what stepfather is considered. You know, like everybody's like... What other guy? You know, you're... The vampire? The vampire. All right, roll, let's say persuasion with advantage. 18. Oh, shit. Cancels another win. So you only need two more of those to get him on your side. He goes, what vampire? What vampire? What the fuck are you talking about?

Well, Ron, the kids downstairs. Terry must have seen these kids. Hey, Terry, did you hang out with any other cool kids while you're here? And by cool, I mean like kind of pasty and pale and vampire. Oh, those are the. Yeah, those kids are vampires. Yeah, those kids were vampires. But there's a daddy vampire. No, Terry Senior, my dad, was keeping those vampire kids in the dungeon safe so that he didn't have to kill them. Then how come he was so pasty and vampirey? I don't know. That's just sort of his thing. I don't.

think it was his thing. He went through this portal into this fucking weird world. It does a lot of weird shit to a lot of us. Listen, I know your mother very well and intimately, and she likes- Oh, God, don't say that. That's one loss. laughter

You got two losses and two wins left. I'm just saying she likes a hot-blooded man. That's another loss. You got one more loss. Guys, help me out. Hey, hey, Terry. What? So you're saying the guy you thought was your dad was not a vampire. Correct. Well, if he wasn't a vampire, then those kids downstairs would probably still be vampires too, right? Because they had nothing to do with him. And look at this. The sky has changed.

All the darkness around here has fallen away because that guy was not your father. It was an imposter. He was a vampire pretending to be your father. I'm going to turn around, by the way, and sprint downstairs because I need to grab one of these kids to prove that and have them maybe speak to it. So I'm going to... Okay, that's really far. I'll be right back. Well, yeah, I'll be a while. Terry Jr.,

Based off what you said, it sounds like your dad was a great guy. Yeah, he was an amazing guy. He doesn't sound like the sort of guy that would have come over here and tried to kill us. He doesn't sound like the sort of guy that would put kids in cages, even if they were vampires. Don't you think he acted a lot differently than the dad that you mentioned? The dad that you're talking about? Okay, so as you're saying that, Glenn comes back with the kid, comes back with Caitlyn Kremdynik, and she's like, yeah, I'm human again. That guy was definitely a vampire. So why don't all three of you roll persuasion with advantage? Okay.

I got a 14. 25 with advantage. I got a 12. Okay. That kid helps. The kid helped. So Terry like looks from each of you and the shit you're saying to the kid. You see the barrier that's separating you to begin to waver a little bit. And he sort of just drops the book. He just says, God damn it. I always knew. I knew he wasn't my dad, but I just wanted him to be so, so badly. And I think I still do. I don't know if I care.

I think I would still rather have that than what this is, than all of this. And he gestures at you and then gestures at himself. Terry, I want to tell you a quick anecdote about my father. Just to remind you, you have one win and one loss left. So if you say anything that's wrong, you're going to lose. And if you say anything that's good, you got it. My father was not a vampire. However, my father wasn't always...

I wasn't always sure if he loved me. And he would take me fishing sometimes. And I always thought that if I could just catch one fish, then he would be proud of me. And I never ended up catching that fish. And he never ended up being proud of me. But I always thought that if he were really my dad, then he would have been proud of me no matter what. And so I think that the people who are related to you

Maybe they're your father and maybe they're not, but sometimes your family is just who loves you. And if you think that your family is gone, they're not all gone. I still love you and I care about you and I'm sorry that you're feeling like this because I've felt like that before and it fucking sucked.

Terry is looking you dead in the eyes as you say all this. And then he just closes his eyes and just sort of like almost collapses onto the ground, like into a sitting position. Like he just gives up. Like his body is just like done trying to pretend that he's too strong for this. And the magic barrier comes down and you just see his shoulders begin to heave as he starts sobbing. Can I hug him? Yeah.

So you go in for a hug and he doesn't resist and you're holding him and he's sobbing and like his arms slowly begin to encircle you. And as he's having this moment, as the two of you are having this moment, he begins to open his mouth. And as he opens his mouth, he freezes and everything goes purple and he begins to fade out of existence. He just like is looking around like it doesn't understand what's going on. And he looks at you and he just says, I'm I'm

I'm really sorry. I love you, son. And then he gets sucked through the dimensions and you hear a voice echoing from the tower itself. What a bunch of bullshit.

What a bunch of namby-pamby, cowardly, overly feminine... Excuse me! What? Is this the f- Are you fucking kidding me? No! Did you- He just- Did you say- I got goddamn tears in my eyes, you piece of shit! You give that kid back! No. Hey, get down here and fight us! Guess what, asshole? We're coming to Ravenloft and we're getting those fucking kids back! We know where you are, you piece of shit! Good luck.

It's gonna be alright.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong as Glenn Close. Thank you, by the way, for those of you who are listening to the sound of my voice right now reading these credits.

I mean, look, I listen to podcasts. It's like the boring part. Everyone skips this. You're scrolling around looking for something else to listen to. I get it. But, you know, that's why we put something cool at the end. Plus, everybody keeps asking me what the name of the theme song in the outro is. And I read it at the end of the podcast. And I just know whenever they ask that they're not cool people who listen to the credits.

That theme song outro, by the way, is All Right by Maxton Waller. Thank you this week also to our Patreon supporters who make this show possible by putting it on their backs collectively. These are heroes with names such as Juste, Cameron Ewer, Leanna Walsh, Marissa S., and Jenna Williams. You too can rise from the ranks of mere freeloader to podcast champion and be handsomely rewarded with cool extras and perks at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. Coming

Coming later this week for EXL model supporters, all the tiers are named after Honda minivan models. It's going to be a mini documentary showcasing Matt Arnold's miniature painting prowess doing a hero forge paint of a Henry Oak mini. Plus, he's going to have a bunch of tips for beginner mini painters. Previously, we did a mini doc about the recording of the Silent Night moment from Episode 8, that and so much more.

at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads don't like patreon fine how about some twitter for you that's at dungeons and dads hey twitter do you want to join the private dad van club on facebook at bit.ly slash dungeon dads too many bots on facebook then get on the subreddit at r slash dungeons and daddies too much of an echo chamber on red well too bad baby that's the internet these days anyway speaking of echo chambers thanks everybody who's left itunes reviews

We just crossed 1,000 reviews. If you like this show, why not leave us a review? Because we're feedback thirsty fools and love hearing from you all. Next episode is August 20th. And again, apologies to Geddy Lee. There was a time we'd be between to know they never brought you down.

I also, this is not a dad fact, but I came up with a knock-knock joke this week, and I'm going to subject you all to it right now. Freddie and Matt have already heard it, so this is going to be especially... Lean back and prepare yourselves for this one, boyos. All right. You made this one up or you heard it? I made this up. This is a fresh one. And if you have come up with this joke additionally, just tweet me and we can co-credit on it. Knock-knock. Who's there? Yodel lady. Yodel lady. Yodel lady. Who? Who?

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