Ep. 29 - Big Willy Style
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Hello, and welcome to the history of Barovia. In the year 773, dads Daryl Wilson, Ron Stampler, Henry Oak, and Glenn Close marched their army to the thin land bridge leading to Castle Ravenlob, ready to lay siege to the purple-robed inhabitants. This army...

really more of a band of mercenaries about half the size of a Roman cohort consisted of equal parts archers, shield bearers, and pikemen arranged in a configuration known as the Death Turtle which was created by General Colonel Glenn Close. Requesting an audience, the purple robes and four dads met in the center of the windswept bridge on neutral ground.

It was there that the Purple Robes revealed that they were, in fact, Willie Stampler, Barry Oak, and Bill Close, the fathers of Ron, Henry, and Glenn, respectively. Notably, Daryl's father was missing from this lineup. These Purple Robes offered the dads a deal. Give us your kids so we can become Omega Daddies and we'll let you go home.

But getting the purple robes out of the castle and onto the land bridge was all part of the dad's scheme. You see, a stealth operation utilizing a DJI Phantom drone piloted by a low-ranking intern known only as Doug signaled the children to use a previously hidden magical item in order to teleport to the dad's metal transport, a vehicle known as a minivan.

The dads now had the children they had come so far to rescue in their hands, but were face to face and on the edge of an all out war with the toughest enemies they had yet encountered. This week, we will continue where we left off. Fathers facing off against father suspended a thousand feet high on a precipitous land bridge at the gates of Castle Ravenloft.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. Most of the time, a loose Dungeons and Dragons 5E podcast about four dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms in the quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group.

This week's dad fact for Glenn, probably appropriate, seeing as we've now met Glenn's dad, Bill Close. Who was Bill? A little Bill Close dad fact. Bill was a session musician working out of Nashville, basically getting in on any sessions that he can. So as a result, not really around. So he and Glenn both referred to the house during the high school years as the crash pad.

The crash pad. The crash pad. So he had like that kind of vibe with his dad. Yeah, 100%. Now, is Bill also a descendant of Meryl Streep or is that on the mom's side? I would assume it's on the mom's side. Yeah, I think that's what you said originally.

That's what I think. I think so. Meryl Streep is in reference to our prequel optional campaign. And also the actress of Kramer vs. Kramer. Hello, my name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who turns into a barbarian when he enters the Forgotten Realms.

A little dad fact about Daryl. I just saw this this second. So see how this goes. Daryl's favorite soda. Favorite soda. Favorite soda. I can't wait. His soda stream version. You're fucking kidding me. Get out. Of Coca-Cola. Get the fuck out. What is it called? Please. It's called Daryl's Pop. Depop. It's called Depop.

And it tastes exactly like Coca-Cola. No, it fucking doesn't. Because it is indeed Coca-Cola. So Daryl bought a SodaStream and convinced everybody that it was cheaper and cooler and it tastes just as good as soda. Grant doesn't even complain.

And he spent weeks trying to make his own version of Coke that always tasted terrible. Then one day he just gave up. And instead of admitting he was wrong, that SodaStream's stupid and more costly than just buying soda, he just buys Coke, puts it in a SodaStream. The fucking long con. Yeah, the long con. I'm pretty sure everybody knows at this point that they're just...

Giving him the benefit of not telling him. The lies and deceit in the Wilson household. It's just like this delicate balance of arts. Also, the audacity of having a dad-based pop and not calling it Papa's Pop. Oh, shit. It's Papa's Pop. It's Papa's Pop. It's Papa's Pop. Thank you, Beth. Papa's Pop, trademark Beth May. TMT. Joke by Beth May. Papa's Polar Cola.

Because it's ice cold, baby. And he draws like a little polar bear on it. Yeah, because like the Coca-Cola polar bear. Like, Daryl, this is just like. I have so many questions. You can't stop once Papa pops. Where does he recycle like the cardboard? Does he have to like keep it in the car and like smuggle it away outside the house? How much soda do people drink? Daryl's got that garage, you know, refrigerator with like meat and stuff in there. A dad staple. He's got like two liters of Coke like hidden underneath like slabs of meat. So what if someone else wants to make it in the soda stream?

He'd be like, it's my proprietary. So do people watch him do it in the SodaStream? No. So he just... He avoids situations. I guess, you know, because you were saying that for long enough, he was striking out that they probably just tuned out. And he just had a eureka moment one day and was like, I did it.

Wow, that's dark. That's like the darkest Daryl fact I think. By the way, Matt bought a SodaStream machine. He did not do this, but a complete waste. It will just sit in the corner and all the flavorings they have are all terrible. So sorry, guys, we're not going to get sponsored by SodaStream. My roommates have a SodaStream and they use it only for gin and tonics. And it's wonderful. That's what I use it for, gin and tonics and just

Straight seltzer water. That's all it's good for. Anyways. Hey, everyone. My name's Will Campos. I play Henry Oak, a crunchy, munchy, Birkenstock, rockin' hippie nature druid dad. Got it in one. My dad fact for Henry this week is, big news, guys. Henry passed the retainer.

Just in time. Henry, he had felt it moving southward for a couple of weeks now. And then the second he saw his father out, that little sucker came. So right now...

Freddie was taking a big drink right as I said that. You're fucking saying that Henry Dookie the shooter that was a retainer right into his shorts? Remember when that happened in Empire Strikes Back where he was like, I am your father, and Luke was like, yeah. And then Luke pooped out his retainer. That's literally exactly what happened. So canonically, Henry has a, I don't know if he's aware of it yet, but

There's a retainer in his shorts right now. Okay, well, quick question. Is it like a retainer of old, like the metal retainers, or is it those new sort of plastic retainers? Oh, that's a good question. Let's say just for, I think in terms of medical realism, it would have to be an Invisalign. Or you're going to look down and you have a wound and you're going to roll a D8. It's real bad.

Otherwise, Henry doesn't have an intestinal tract anymore. Real quick, who had retainers growing up? I did. I did. Not that I... Everyone except Matt. Yep. I didn't go to a dentist until I was like 29 years old. What? Why? Because my parents couldn't afford it. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's why. That's a good answer. Yep.

What color was your retainers? I'm just sorry. I'm just wanting to know. I had a, I had a frigging Invisalign one, which is, I'm really, really, really salty about that actually because, well, I had braces, but no, I like, like literally I had braces way before I was at an emotional capacity to realize like what they were like, like that they were fixing my teeth and that these would be my teeth.

So I got a retainer and it hurt like from the moment that I got it. And even if I put it in denture cleaner or whatever I used to clean it, it still was like plasticky and it felt gross going in my mouth. So I never fucking wore it. And now I've got these weird chip monkey teeth that are all like eating people when I'm not even looking. I had a mint green sparkly retainer.

Mine was blue and it had a picture of Earthworm Jim on it. Really? What? Yeah. Wait. They were like, you can take any little picture from this little book of little like basically pictures we print out from the internet and cut out. And I was looking, I was like, oh, it's just a bunch of like generic action guys. And there was a little box art for a VHS of the Earthworm Jim animated TV show. And I was like, that's mine.

You guys disgust me. I don't know that Dr. Naples is a homophobe yet, so I love this. Do you guys remember when there was an entire kiosk in a blockbuster where you could bring your Pokemon Snap memory card and print out pictures of Pokemon Snap? Fuck yeah. I don't know why that made me think of that, but I miss those days. Because there was two good things in our childhood. I'm just Googling Earthworm Jim retainer, and guess what? This does not exist. Well, no, it wasn't a branded thing. They took a piece of paper and put it underneath the plastic box.

bit of the retainer because they had just a bunch of different pictures that you could print out and customize to your thing. So this was like a bootleg op that your orthodontist was having. Now that I think about it, yeah. Interplay is furious. That's amazing. Hi. Okay. My name's Beth. I'm angry about retainers. And I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue.

Fun fact. Actually, no, it is not a fun fact. It's just a fact about Willie, Ron's father, Willie Stampler. Willie was a traveling salesman who specialized in fishing gear. You may have heard me, Beth, say that Ron threw up trying to gut a fish once and it really...

sealed the fate of his father's respect for him or lack thereof. And, um, yeah, Willie died by drowning when he used a fancy lure to catch a huge fish and then it pulled him overboard. Dang. Yeah. Was it like a famous fish? Like,

No, I mean... Sorry, Matt, go ahead and name one. Go ahead and name one. No, like of the town. It was like a huge fish. In the Simpsons, they have an episode where it was like the general. And they're like, oh, catch the general. Anyways. It was Serenity. There you go, Serenity. This is such...

The Matthew McConaughey movie? Yes. Holy shit, what a fool. Literally, if you watch one movie for the rest of your life, make it Serenity. You will not regret it. It is the stupidest, most wonderful movie I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. No, you're not. We have real dads. We just met them. No. I'm the dad you want. Those are the dads you want. Those are bad dads. I'm a good dad. Your dad versus the dad you should be worried about.

Be the dad you want to see in the world. I don't have a dad fact. I don't have to do a dad fact. My dad fact is that I knew that these dads would be the big bads. Big bad dads. That's fun. That's fun. I knew they'd be good. Were they a big bad voodoo dad? Oh, God. And we're the lads of the big bad dads. You're the big bad dad lads. And you knew that? Literally since the inception of the podcast. Wow.

We're all going through our emails being like, you know, because you had asked us what's our relationship with our dad's life. We should have seen that coming. I mean, I figured it was a pretty good cover story of like, oh, I can't understand you as characters unless I understand because all of us are just, you know, an amalgamation of the traumas that our parents and authority figures have sort of slapped us with. So like, you know, it was a better way to understand how to do dungeons, I guess. Yeah. I lied. I lied.

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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamit Mobile for details. You see the faces of Willie Stampler, Bill Close, and Barry Oak. Basically three of your fathers. They are the Purple Robes and have been from the get-go. Bro. Father? Father?

Fine looking gentlemen, you all are. You all are. So Willie just sighs and goes, well, at least I can stop doing that stupid. I had a whole, there was a dramatic reveal. I was going to time it out. I'm so sorry. Boy, you should be. Jesus Christ, all the fucking effort we've gone through. Just, okay. So again, just so you understand the fuck, like you can stop staring. Close your fucking mouth, Ron. Jesus Christ, don't look at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Sir. Correct. Okay. So again, excuse me, who are you?

I'm just fucking dad. Shut up. The deal is, it's this simple. You take it or you leave it. If you let us have your kids and raise them and make them happy, productive, intelligent individuals in Faerun, then we will send you back to your world. And the next thing that you will experience is waving goodbye to your kids as they head off on a bus to the soccer game that you were driving them to before you arrived here. Everything in your life will be identical up to that point, with the exception of

Glenn, you and the lovely Morgan Close, Nae Freeman, will be waving them off together because she will have not gotten into that car on that rainy day. Yes, you have your hand raised. Yeah, hi, Henry Oak here. What the fuck?

What the frick is going on right now? You're so, let me get this straight. You're his, Ron, this is your dad? Yeah. What? Father, what are you doing here? And who the hell is this guy? I think he may be dad, but this may be an illusion. This looks like your dad? This might be an illusion. These are all your dads. These are our dads, guys. What the hell is going on? All I know is that you three gentlemen should be ashamed of yourself. You call yourself grandparents? So Barry- And the way you treated your son right there is how you're going to treat our son?

Which son? There's three dads and there's three dad. Oh man, there's so many dads here. It was my dad. So Barry smiles and puts out a hand, a very calm, very placatory hand. It says, I shake it. He puts his hand up like fingers up. So how do you shake fingers? Either way. So he goes and like kind of recoils from it a little bit. Like he, like he feels like he got infected by you or something, but he goes, everyone can be very calm. That is the thing that you can do right now. You can also choose to be very, very angry and,

And if that's the direction that you choose, then I'm afraid this will be very negative for everybody. I don't think any of us want that. So as you say, where is my dad, Daryl? You're sort of looking around and just sort of by coincidence, you hear, so this could be a really weird poll.

But does anyone remember the Mel Gibson movie Ransom? Yes. Of course I do. I see you. Do you remember the part in Ransom where the kid hears Gary Sinise's voice and he starts pissing himself out of fear because he recognizes that's the voice of his kidnapper? So you turn around, you see Peyton shivering and you smell pee and you see that Peyton is wetting himself looking at the faces of these three dads and he's sort of frozen with fear. Peyton, what's going on, buddy? Uh.

do you remember when we met and I told you that there was somebody that left me here? The bully wugs? And he's pointing it at Willie and he goes, that was him. That's my... Okay, but don't worry. They're not going to hurt you. I push him back and stand in front of him. He's crying and he happily lets you push him backward. Peyton, I walk over to Peyton and I get... Peyton and her brothers? laughter

Did that just wait? Yeah, I'm still in shock here. So I walk up to Peyton and I sort of get down on his level. I'm like, Peyton, wait, you know that guy too? Yeah, yeah. Well, he was scared. I did not like him. And he left me the bully wugs and I hated him. And I wanted to fight him, but I don't think I could fight him right now. I really don't feel like fighting. I would like to just go, please. Can we please just go? You don't have to fight, Peyton. Plus, um...

you're so strong, you could probably knock him out in one punch. You don't have to, though. Roll persuasion real quick.

Ooh, that's a two. Okay. So he was like, oh, you're so fucking bad at lying, Grunt. Oh my God. I think you would kick my ass. Like, I think it's a lot of bravado and I don't think it's real. Oh no, oh no. So Henry, as he stares at his father, feels like a lot of suppressed shit in his mind, like starting to kind of crack open. Like it's like there's a door in his brain that's starting to shake and like the knob is starting to turn and he pushes on that knob and

back as hard as he can. He holds the door in his brain with both hands, torturing this metaphor as much as he possibly can, and then he turns to the other dads and says, guys, I have an idea. Run! And then Henry turns into a bird and flies off towards the van. Okay. Everybody give me an initiative roll. Yeah, that's what Henry just did. Alright, we're running. He's running.

I have a 7 plus 4 initiative, 11. I got an 18. I got a 19 plus 1 initiative, so 20. Okay. I got a 7. Okay. We're going by the speed strategy of doing combat design in D&D where all of the bad guys are going to move at once as a group and they just natural 20 their initiative roll. Oh, shit. So the dads are going to go first. I'm very scared. Okay, so... I guess that's good because now they all can respond to what they do. Oh, yeah. Now I can say I was provoked.

I don't know if he's going to fight them solo, but... Do I need to come up with what bird I turned into? If you'd like. Yeah, why not? All right. I feel like it would be the first bird he thought of. So was it lark or sparrow? Oh, shit. Or was it beanie? It's always lark and sparrow. It's never sparrow and lark, so he turns into a lark. Okay, great. So he turns into a lark. I'm just going to Google what a lark is. Yeah.

Literally the most racist bird that there's ever been. Racist bird of the animal kingdom. Whoa, well, I don't know if you want to do that. Yikes. Uh, no fun. Will fact. Every time I think Lark, literally all I can think of is there's a character named Lark and pilot wing 64 is all. Yeah. So that's in my head. Canon. What Lark looks like is Lark from pilot wings. All right. It's a small ground dwelling song, bro. Ground dwelling. Good. Uh,

Songbird, typically with brown streaky plumage, a crest, an elongated hind claws. Oh, it's very cute. And a Glock 21. And a Glock, yeah. And a song that is delivered in flight. So I'm going to be fluttering through the air like a little birdie, I guess. What's the song? Like, ah!

So Bill Close sees Henry Oak beginning to fly away. And Bill turns to Willie and he goes, should I? And Willie goes, yeah, obviously, fucking idiot. And so Bill goes, okay, cool. Willie's toxic as fuck. This is heartbreaking. Yeah. So Bill is going to cast hold person on Henry. So everybody is going to do a wisdom saving throw. Uh-oh. Because he's a higher level, he basically gets to do it to multiple humanoids.

If I'm no longer a humanoid, do I have to do a wisdom saving throw? Oh. Correct. Yeah, no, you don't. It's only for humanoids. Well done. Well done. Wisdom saving throw. Point of order. Excuse me.

This dumb barbarian rolled an 18 plus one. That's 19. That's an 18 minus one, 17. Wait, barbarians are smarter than bards? Sometimes a barbarian can be smarter than a bard. In this particular case, I don't think any of us are that surprised, are we? I failed. Okay, so everybody except for Ron feels this like,

wave of it almost feels like invisible fingers trying to like pull at you but you managed to evade their grasp but ron you maybe it's just being in the presence of your father once again your body just freezes up and you are paralyzed for the next minute or until you get knocked out um

The next minute? Yes, which is like 10 rounds of combat. Am I allowed to say anything, though? Yes, you can speak. Oh, shit. It literally says paralyzed creatures can't move or speak. Fuck it. It's an audio podcast. You can speak. So you can't move. Okay. But you have to talk like a ventriloquist. But it will happen when we come to your turn. Yeah. Okay. That was Bill Close's turn, and he's going to just do that for now. And then we will say that Barry Oak...

Will. Guys, look at your spells, please, everybody. Dude, I'm just fucking like. Oh, shit, we got to play D&D. For the first time ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm like, man, why did I fucking pick like grow plants or whatever I used in the last one? I've never looked at fine print as hard as like since I was trying to get out of my student loans. This is like examining this shit right here. Barry Oak is going to transform. Oh.

And he's going to transform into a dragon, specifically the gold dragon that you saw on the way. That was Barry. No, no, no. He's just he's he's a much higher level druid. So we saw it. And like you can only do things up to a certain challenge rate. He could turn into a fucking dragon. Shit. And so he flies after you and he's going to try to grab you out of the sky with his claws.

It's kind of outmatched there, I gotta say. So, give me a Dexterity. Oh, great. I think Larks have initiative on Dexterity. I feel like I'll give you a plus three because you're pretty small and he's pretty big. He's from Pilot Wing 64, so I believe I should get a plus 64 to all my rolls. Here's my argument. I'll give you a plus four. Because you're a small bird that is brown and you're flying close to the ground, it's going to be hard to... It's snowy everywhere. It'll be able to pick you up very easily. Mm.

Anthony already gave him a plus four. Anthony is not fucking around right now. Don't keep selling. There was a time where I would let you go to Fry's Electronics and get a drone. Right now is not that time. All right.

All right, I'm doing a deck saving throw, you said? Yes, please. Oh, I got a seven. Okay, he snatches you out of the air. His claws grasp around you hard enough that for a second you can't breathe and you feel a genuine panic that your little adorable bird bones might snap, but he loosens up just enough to make sure that you can't wriggle out of his grasp. And he says something to you, but it's in dragon speech. You can't really understand it. What does it sound like he's saying?

It sounds like, no, it sounds calm and very condescending. It's like you can almost hear him like you can hear the like, oh, you should have tried to do that. My silly boy. Will our paid mercenaries react to any of this? Well, I was going to say you haven't given them any orders yet. So if somebody on their turn wants to spend a free action once it comes around to your turn to sort of get them into the initiative, that's something you can do basically for free just by shouting at them to yell. And now Willie Stampler is going to go and he goes like I

I can't remember how many times I told you to not just play around with them. We need to show them that we can be in business. So here we go. And he is going to raise both of his hands up and rub them together. And then he's going to slap the ground in front of him. And so everyone except for Will make a constitution saving throw.

That's a fucking 18 plus 3. I'm rolling 19, 18, 18. 12. 21. 9. 12 total. Beth, you and Freddy are going to take 5d6 thunder damage as lightning streams down from the sky. So you got 19. 19 thunder damage. 19 thunder damage. And everyone, again, not Will, but all three of you take 5d6 radiant or necrotic damage. So in Willie Stamper's case, it's going to be necrotic damage. So you all take... Oh, no! 26 damage. What the fuck?

All three of you take 26 damage and you're not prone as you feel this putrid, festering, undead energy crawl inside of you and you feel like it's trying to decay you from the inside out. That puts me immediately in death save. I'm in death save as well. Really? Yeah. Okay. Ron and Glenn are down for the count right now. Yes, they currently are. Oh, is Payton damaged by all this stuff too? Oh, shit. If you... I will be pretty bad if you kill Payton. Yeah, I mean...

All right. Payne's also in death saves. Sorry, Daryl. It is your turn next. Cool. What did we do with the sword? The Demodama sword? Yeah. I think it's fair that you could say you probably have it on. Yeah. They didn't tell you to not have any weapons on the way in so you could have it. So I can only do this as a reaction. So I can do one reaction, right? No, you can do as many reactions as you want. No. Forever. Yes. You can only do one reaction per turn. How close were you to death save? I'm in it.

Like, like, like, because I can get rid of 2D6. I'm exactly, I'm exactly. Oh, no, really? We have 45 health and we. Yeah. Oh, yikes. So you just one shot at both of them, basically. Okay, well, how do I remember how it works? So if you get minus 45 health, you are dead forever. If you get whatever minus your normal max health is, you're dead for good.

If you have zero, then basically every turn you're going to roll a D20. And if the roll is 10 or higher, you get a success. And if you roll under, you get a failure. You need to get three of either kind to either succeed and basically get stabilized or die forever. If any amount of healing comes to you at all, you're back out of death savings and you're back under your feet.

strategically, I have to try to say Freddie, I'm going to, but character wise, Daryl would not use this for anybody other than Peyton. I'm just going to say, because I put my hand behind him, I'm just going to say that I don't see, I assume that Peyton did not get hit by the spell in this spur of a moment thing. And I use a, it's just pains, mental dude, pains, mental. And I use my spirit shield to, uh, reduce some of Glenn's damage too. So for damage, uh,

So I have, I'm at four. You have four HP. Okay, so you're not knocked down. So you didn't get knocked down, yeah. And that was a reaction. Okay, so now it's my turn. Yes. I would like to propose what, this is what I would like to do. And I get two actions as a bard, I mean as a bard, as a barbarian. Is it two of any action or is it two actions that they're specifically attacking? From now on I always get two attacks. Two attacks, okay, cool. That's specifically different. And then as a bonus action I can enter Rage...

Well, sure. I'm just going to do it as a bonus action. I enter rage. Okay. Obviously, I'm fucking angry because I just saw my friends get nailed. And I think I now realize I can feel his little limp body start like tipping over behind me. And I know that Peyton's got hurt, too. And I'm already beating myself up. It's been a long time since we heard kids in this podcast, huh? I'm going to say that either I had the sword or actually I think Henry would have had it. But I think if he turned into a sparrow, it just dropped. Would make sense. Here's what I would like to do is I would like to shove the sword into the ground, like find like a nook.

and then grab Payden and Ron and then extend it so I fly backwards like a javelin. Yes! As far back as I can go, like 100 yards. Just like zip line away as quickly as I can. What a cool move! Very fucking cool. What a cool move! So let's see. Let's have you roll. We're going to have you roll strength to see if you can hold on to the sword while you're doing this. Okay. Just roll a strength save. Oh, I get advantage on strength checks. There we go. Great.

Oh, there we go. There we go. And my strength is plus three. So that's 18. You managed to hold your grip on the sword. So describe what happens to me. I essentially wedge it into like, you know, two pieces of cobblestone as deep as I can. So it's like a 20 degree angle, like 30 degree angle. So as I go back like 70 yards, I'm only like 20. Sorry. You go and do that. I'm going to do some trigonometry. Yeah. Yeah.

gets me not so high that when I let go it like we fall and like really hurt ourselves so it's like yeah essentially just like zipping ourselves backwards I wedge it and then I is it like a spell how do you how do you extend it you just think you just think extend yeah but so as I do that as I do that I grab paralyzed Ron just like in real life who's canonically he's very like a boner like a like a rigid erection guys

I grab Ron and I sling him because I'll say this with my two attacks. I sling him on my shoulder, fireman style. Okay. And then I turn. So now I'm holding the sword like, you know, cool cut the style like reverse. Okay. So I'm gonna be like rocketing forwards. Okay. And then I grab Peyton and put him under my arm like a duffel bag. Okay. And then I rock it forward with this sword. Okay. So to grab those two people, you're gonna have to make a dexterity save to see if you can hold both of them. Okay. And how many feet are you going, Matt? Full extension? I'm gonna go like 60 yards. 60 yards. Okay. Yeah.

Dexter, come on. Don't drop any of these guys. Oh my God. That's a 19 plus one. Wow. All right. So you managed to hold on to both of them. So Freddie, have you done your trick yet? Yeah. So if you go at a five degree angle with a hypotenuse of 60 yards, you'll get at the end there at a 5.23 yards off the ground, which is still pretty high. So you need to be pretty sharp. You know what it is? I think it's a little higher than that because the sword starts bending.

Okay, all right. Can you believe I just failed trig twice? And as I'm flying, I'm screaming, we could use some help, guys! All the bad dogs hear that and they go, so you see them begin to snap at each other and do a lot of one finger in the air rotating very quickly. They're like, round it up, boys! You're going to basically fall about 20 feet, I presume, with that kind of an angle. It's kind of like bending.

I mean, it's not going to be that bad. It's 2d6 of damage. It's a little cooler if I take some damage. And I want to be clear, doesn't he have to roll a dex save for it? Because he's managed to fall from high places and roll out of it every single time so far because he's got that stuntman blood in him. Oh, this is that stunt action. All right, yeah, you can do a dex save to see if you do no damage at all. For a stunt. You've got to do a stunt. That's a 17 plus 1. Yeah, baby! That's stuntman blood!

All right. How did you fucking land with these? The way it works is I actually don't fall. It slowly bends flawlessly. So I land like a graceful ballerina on the ground. I slowly place paid and down on the ground gently. And the sword handle, as it goes, like a zipping back connects with a stapler and like flings them all the way up in the air. Like, you know, like a pole vault and it comes flinging back down to earth. And then I just reach out and I grab, and I grab stapler too.

And then lay Stampler down next to... And though I'm very near death, I just make a damsel-adjacent expression. So wait, you got Ron and Peyton off? Yes. Okay, so Glenn is still there. Maybe rephrase that. Rephrase that real quick. I said what I said.

Glad I still know everybody's not dead. I saved them. Okay. Ron is paralyzed but near Daryl, and it is now your turn to make a death save. Okay. And if you get a 20, that's two successes. If you get a one, that's two failures. Okay.

15 that's one success mark that down so you need three to get stabilized and get back on your feet and three fails is dead three fails is dead all right glenn it is your turn you are not down because of uh the spirit shield so what do you want to do it feels like there's not much i can do here you can you could shout some specific things to the bad dogs because you still haven't told them what tactics you'd like them to take or oh that's right that's right um

Okay, so really quick guys. I want to get a read from everyone. I can do the fireworks or smoke fireworks. Target explodes a dazzling display. Each creature on 10 feet must succeed on Constitution saving floor become blinded smoke thick black smoke spreads out from the target at 20 foot radius and it's the area is heavily obscured smoke persists for a minute. What do you think would be helpful more helpful there?

They probably have good constitution. Smoke's going to fuck us up, though, too, isn't it? You're away. I'm the only one there. Yeah. I'm assuming smoke would make it hard to do point-of-sight spells. Yeah, line-of-sight would fuck up. It would probably get disadvantaged or certainly have a harder time moving through it. Well, it's not just about smoke. It affects everybody. Freddie, if you're going to smoke these guys out, I feel like it's not pyrotechnics. It's the omega blood. You've been hiding in your sleep the entire time.

There's only one answer for Glenn, which is to smoke it out. I have, okay, I have in my jeans this entire time a device of my own creation called the Omega Vape. And here's what it is. The problem with most vapes is that they rely on your lung capacity to draw in, you know, whatever you got going on. The Omega Vape blows past those physical barriers. Oh my goodness.

That sounds awful. It's a single. This is the spell pyrotechnics, which is a bard spell, but I'm going to use the smoke sort of subclass of this. I'm going to smoke them out with this thick cloud of smoke in a 20 foot radius, which will completely obscure and a strong wind will dissipate it. What flavor? A strong wind will dissipate it, huh? Like maybe the wings of a dragon beating. It's also galing winds. It's like 70 miles per hour winds. So you do that immediately.

Immediately, all of a sudden, the book shows up and immediately moves away. Oh, no. My favorite. But hold on. But you see, for a second, you see Bill Close just roll his fucking eyes. Hold on. Hold on. If there's a single vape that can instantly create a 20-foot-class smoke, anyone who is not attuned to the bud...

is going to be affected. So I think there's some fucking constitutional saves going to be rolled here. Like, could you imagine getting blasted? It's like a reverse dust devil of weed. I would say, but then Glenn has to make the constitution save as well. I agree. Because he's used to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That means everybody around you needs it. That means Daryl. That means Ron. No, no, no. It's a 20-foot radius. You're 60 yards away. Oh, you didn't grab him, right? Okay, okay.

Okay. I'm negative. Just to be clear, I'm next to them. I'm the only one. Okay. Sorry. Okay. So yes, let me describe what this is. I activated the Omega vape, which created a 20 foot cloud of the dankest juices. It's like a strawberry flavor, probably like a strawberry flavor, but as a defensive mechanism, like a skunk or a squid, it's,

I believe that this California legal kush is probably going to affect these old timers who haven't had anything stronger than anything. That shit's strong as fuck now, dude. So here's the thing. You're correct. Usually they get disadvantaged on their constitution saving throws. Yeah. But because of those strong wins, they get advantage. They cancel each other out. So they're just going to get straight ass constitution rules. That's fair. Okay. So Daryl just like fucking flew 60 yards with a sword and like caught like Peyton and Ron and place them down and turns around and just sees the

Glenn just vaping on the bridge. After using his spiritual ancestors to prevent Glenn from dying. This is why you protected him. You knew exactly what would happen. This is the most on-brand move for Glenn in the history of on-brand moves, and you're just just. You go ahead and make your constitution save first. That's going to be a 15, and this is a con 14 for. 14. Okay, cool. So you're fine. So Bill Close is going to roll.

17 he's fine he's used to it yeah he's like where do you think you fucking got it from that's fair that's fair mediocre and uh willie uh takes an inhale and like his eyes pupils dilate just a little bit

sitar music starts playing yeah okay so that is that is your turn um so I'm gonna take the opportunity to run then okay 15 feet I guess yeah you get to run 15 feet so you're still gonna be on the bridge you're gonna be at like you know he can get a full move and still catch up to you if that's what he wants to do I mean what else can I do no no yeah you should definitely I'm running yeah it's

I mean, yeah, welcome to D&D. We're on your turn. You can do some stuff. I'm running towards an army. That's the only time... Like, that's a cool thing. Now, granted, it's running away from my dad, but, you know. All right, now it is Henry's turn. Henry, you were in the grip of a dragon. Henry's thrashing around in the grip of this dragon. He looks up into his father's eyes, and a language he's never spoken before, druidic, flies out of his mouth, and he says, Father, why are you doing this? What's going on? So your father...

looks down at you with his big dragon eyes and he like coughs. He was previously speaking dragon tongue, but now you hear Jirudic come from him and he goes like, I see you're beginning to remember, aren't you? Who you truly are. That door in Henry's brain starts to crack a little bit more.

And a vision of... Alright, what's the biggest fucking bird I can turn into? Like in D&D land. D&D birds. D&D birds? You could turn into a giant eagle, a giant vulture, a giant duck, a giant canary. Giant duck, please. Stymphalian bird? What the fuck is a Stymphalian bird? Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack.

The door in Henry's mind cracks, and for an instant, a flash occurs to him of a giant duck the size of how big are ducks in fucking Dungeons & Dragons. Let's see. A giant duck is 11 feet tall and 5 feet wide. Oh, shit. That's incredible. Hell yeah. All right, so Henry turns into a giant duck to try to break out of his father's grasp. Awesome. Okay, so he's going to try to roll dexterity with disadvantage because he didn't expect that. Ha ha ha!

And Henry looks into his dad's eyes and drew it and says, duck. All right, so that's also a pretty good dad joke because you have D4 of damage you can do to anybody. I'm doing it to him. Clearly. Do it to Freddy just to finish him off. Boom.

All right, so how much damage did you do? I did one damage to him. Okay, so you do one damage and you see his eye almost begins to twitch and you're like, oh, here it is, here it is. This is what one damage to my daddy is going to feel like. And then you hear this, like, it's in your mind. It's like when you play a video game and a video game is trying to convince you that a character cannot take damage because when you shoot them, it goes...

And there's like a shine. A weird metallic ping thing. Yeah, you hear a metallic ping as he goes like, oh, oh, that was adorable on so many levels. That was good. You'll do better next time. They ricochet. I can see how hard you're trying. He goes, ho, ho, ho, this is a boss fight that's going to end in a cut scene. There's no way you can beat me right now. Do I break out of his grasp? So yes, you do. So he fails to hold on to you. So you are now an 11 foot, uh,

sized duck is flying free. I'm going to pull a fucking Lord of the Rings and swoop down to grab Glenn. Okay. Nice. So go ahead and roll dexterity to see if you can grab him in your webbed feet, which are not very good for grabbing things. I'm going to use my bill, dog.

Put it on my bill. So duck bills are pretty brutal. Like they can actually do a lot of damage. Oh, can they? Oh, shit. No, it's fine. It just means you have to roll dexterity to make sure you don't like crush it. You do the collar. You're like going for the shirt. You're going for a little shirt. Oh, shit. Yeah. That's a 17 plus two. My dude, 19. Okay. So describe how you pick up.

So I'm swooping with big duck arms and I come in like at a sharp angle and I bank at the last minute and like go sideways like you're in Star Fox and you're trying to get through one of those little gates to get like a little power up. Holding L or R. Yeah, and then I open my bill up and I just kind of like, like I just kind of, I just kind of want on him like on the sides and then I pivot out and I fly out. Okay, cool. And he shouts, Affleck! Affleck!

So now it is the bad dogs turn. So the bad dogs can see that basically all of you are pretty distant from all of the bad guys. Okay, so now you actually have to make some stakes in the ground. How many archers did you get? How many pikemen did you get? And how many shield bearers did you get?

I feel like the last time we left it, it was Freddy's dumb, like, one of each attack turtle move, so I think it should be that. 30-30-30, yeah, yeah. Okay, so it's whatever. It should be an ESPN 30 for 30 for 30. 66, 66, and 66. And then they killed one guy. One guy's dug. They think I'm really literal? No, no, one guy's dug away. He has no ability. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's dug. Okay, so 66 archers pull back their bows, and before they fire, they go...

Pick a target. Oh, they're talking to us. They're talking to you. Oh. Tell them to shoot at us. Daryl's like, dragon. Okay. Hopefully Henry's not mad that I pointed all the arrows at his dad. Right.

I'm just screaming dragon. It would have been a great time for one of us to have like a dad laser pointer to just like boop the dragons. Oh, yeah. We still have one more thing we can get from Fry's. Do you want to get a laser pointer from Fry's right now? I think it'd be really stupid not to get a battery solar charger. A solar charger. Yeah, but you didn't get cables with it. So of all the arrows that got shot, 22 of them hit.

So they're going to do five piercing damage. Five piercing damage each or five total? I love that Doug, the one thing he has is like this eagle eye ability to commentate. He's like, oh, 22 of those hit. Yeah. So Doug's like, 22 of those hit. Each of them did five damage. So that's about 110 damage on that dragon. It's pretty good. He's like a golf commentator. Yeah.

Okay. So unlike when Henry told the dad joke, you can see that the arrows actually sink into his body and he's a dragon. So he very quickly shakes them all out, but you could see some blood drawn by these arrows. So your dad, Barry Oak in dragon form has taken 110 damage and he shook it off pretty easily, but he did take the damage. Okay.

Okay, so now the shield bearers are going to move up. They're going to dash basically to try to get on the bridge. They're going to try to go for sort of a Thermopylae thing and try to block the bridge from the other dads or the bad dads. What would you do if you did not have mercenaries with us? Thank you.

Thank God we argued for four episodes. It was worth it. It was worth it. Ultimately, looking back, right decision. And then 66 Pikeman follow them as well. So they sprint up. Actually, here's the question. So they're going to have to run past you on the way there. Do you want them to form a phalanx? No, not you. Sorry to Daryl and Peyton and...

and run. They already dim a dome vaulted 60 yards back. Like backwards, right? So they're going to run past you on the way to the bridge. So do you want them to stop near you and like form a phalanx? Do you want to have some of them form a phalanx around you or do you want to have all of them run up to the bridge? I say, protect the boy! And I like, I essentially motion for about like 20 of them to...

stay and like make a shield around me with the two bodies next to me. You're basically going to have 10 shield bearers and 10 pikemen surround you and do a phalanx thing in case somebody tries to get close. Yes. Okay, that makes sense. Because there's still like a dragon also. Right. So 56... Henry already got close.

So 56 shield bearers and 56 pikemen run up to the bridge and they spend their whole actions getting there in a dash. Okay, so it is the bad dad's turn again. First, Bill Close. So he sees all this crazy shit happen and he is going to... How far away are you, Glenn? Well, I picked him up. Oh, you picked him up. So you're in the sky, but you're probably like... Still pretty close, I would imagine. Yeah, you're within 60 feet. Well, how far can a large duck go?

I love this. I love the laden. What is the airspeed velocity? My favorite part of the podcast is when I pull a new animal out of my ass. I've done no research and then I make Anthony answer all my questions about it. So let's say you're whatever distance you can run, you're still within 60 feet. So hold on. So ducks are 40 to 60 miles an hour. Okay. Wait, real ducks?

Yeah. Amazing waterfowl facts. Ducks.org is telling me. Oh, my God. That waterfowl. Somebody at Ducks.org is like, guys, we got another hit. We got another hit.

Big Duck would probably go slower and he's got your weight. Somebody's got new homepage. Well, no, because, no, that's not quite necessarily the case because the Big Duck has larger force, right? Yeah, but gravity's inacting on it. It's why Godzilla can't exist because he's too big and he would not be able to move. Okay, well, poor Godzilla can't exist, man. By the way, you are within range of Bill Close's calm emotion spell. So he is going to aim up at...

at Henry and Glenn. And both of you are going to have to make a charisma saving throw. Glenn's going to react with Mental Barrier. Now, Mental Barrier allows me to protect my mind with a wall of looping repetitive thought. In this case, the lyrics to Living on a Prayer. I'm just like, we're halfway there. Okay, so that means...

We're halfway there. Because it's got to be a quick loop. Yeah. What does that mean? You get advantage on the roll or you don't have to roll? That means I got advantage on that shit, motherfucker. Okay, so both of you give me a constitution roll. Okay, well. Or sorry, charisma rolls. So this is a charm spell, right? Yes. Okay, so. It turns out ducks are immune to being charmed. No, so Henry, as part of his traits, because I kind of specced him as a wood elf back when we did these characters, he has fey ancestry, which grades him advantage on and saves against being charmed. Ooh.

So I get this one with advantage. Okay. Bill Close wasted his fucking turn. Shit, I'm going to need it.

I'm going to need it again. I'm going to burn my inspiration from that dead joke. Oh, my God. Woof. Strikeout. Okay. So what about you, Glenn? I have 13 plus 6, 19. Okay. So you are just as rowdy as ever. But Henry, you suddenly feel this very zen sense of calm come over you. It's like the tightness in your stomach that's been here ever since you came to Castle Ravenloft just sort of relaxes and you feel like... Oh, wait. This is when I pass the retainer. Ha!

One of the bad dogs near below, like something hits him on the head. He's like, what the fuck? So you relax completely, which includes relaxing your grip on Glenn. So Glenn, you're going to make a dexterity saving throw. So you're going to fall 30 feet, which will be 3D6. Oh my God. If you save, it'll only take like... Well, he's only four health, so...

19 plus 6, 25 on the dex saving throw. Your dex is 6? Holy shit. Wait, how's your dex 6? I don't know, Matt. It's because the fucking thing on my computer with my character sheet tells me this. I don't know how this fucking math works, dude. What do I look like? Gary Gaiax? I don't know how this works. He just did

No, it's just specifically dexterity because the normal stats don't have that high stuff. Is this plus six, the dexterity? Or is it six? Saving throw modifiers. Wow. Okay, cool. And now look, to be fair, I have zero strength. I have negative one wisdom. Everything else is like one or zero. There's a whole section. Guys, you know there's a whole section called saving throws modifiers, which I did not know. I've just been doing the plus on the top. I've been getting plus six. I have plus six on strength.

I mean, for saving throws, which is different. Yeah, and Constitution, though. Oh, yeah. Which I've done a lot, and I've only been doing plus three on that. Only took us a year, ladies and gents. Okay, so you take 1d3 of damage. That's fine. I have four, so. Oh, great. Okay.

I have one damage. Okay, cool. So yeah, you land. All right. A light scuff. Just a light scuff. You took one damage, so you have three damages left. Yeah. Barry Oak sees his son get very, very calm. It's just hard to be clear. Am I in front of our bad dogs or am I behind the lines? I'm sorry. You are in front of the bad dogs still because you're within 60 feet. Okay.

So you have to, you'll have to run through them. Okay. So he's on the bridge. Yeah. You're on the bridge still. Okay. At least I did not drop you over the abyss. That's true. Yes. Barry Oak sees his son get calm and chill. And he's like, that's exactly what I would say. That's exactly what you need to do. I'm so, I am so proud of you. So we'll talk about this later. I think if you move through your vinyasa a little bit more cleanly, I think you'll actually be able to feel in this kind of like vibe all the time. But we'll, we'll talk about that later. Uh, daddy's going to go eat some people be right back. And so he lands on the bridge and,

transforms into a giant scorpion and he is going to oh shit's Ruby weapon guys so he's going to move forward and engage the bad dogs he's gonna swipe his poisonous tail from left to right in this like arc and try to hit the front 20 guys it's gonna hit Glenn - no I don't think he would because he's got a big ol long tail so you can like arc it over them it's like a bill jump rope and grinds on the ground in a play pose

But your wrist like turned just a little bit. Just a little too much. It's like scorpion arm goes like right over his head. Like, yeah, yeah. It's going to be actually kind of cool looking. Yeah. So he's going to roll an attack on the front 20 bad dog shield men.

So that's going to be... Worked for the Romans. They took down Hannibal. Elephants. That's going to be a 22 to hit. Oh, boy. So I'm going to assume that's going to hit them. So there's 20 of them. I will use RollADie.net and have them roll 20 separate times. Whoa. It's that galaxy brain DM energy right now. RollADie.net? Yeah, I know. I'm going there, too. This episode brought to you by Dux.org and RollADie.net. I don't know what I was expecting, but it's pretty much what you think it is. It turns out RollADie.net looks exactly like you'd expect. All right, I'm going to Google it.

Oh my God. This is exactly how I pictured it. It,

It's everything. Just like in the simulations. Just like in the simulations. All right. So 13 of the bad dogs managed to keep their shields up and ping his stinger. Like, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping. Like, bounces off of them. But seven of them are not quite quick enough. They begin to get their shields up, but not quite in time. So the stinger bounces up off the shield and hits them in the neck as it goes by. It just sort of slices at them. And if it weren't for the fact that their necks had been sliced open, the green poison that you can see sort of seeping into their veins would kill them off. And they just, like, they just drop.

and they are dead. Ooh, it's like some Starship Troopers shit right now. So you have seven fewer shield bearers. I guess there's more money for the rest of everybody else. More money for the rest of them. That's why they're able to keep the morale. Like, that's the secret of the Bad Dogs Mercenary Guild. So then they all hate each other. Is that secretly, they know that anyone who goes down, they split the money better. What, it's like a tontine or something like that? Okay.

So now Willie Stampler, Glenn is in range. He's going to walk up. I had to look that up. An annuity shared by subscribers to a loan or a common fund increasing as subscribers die until the last survivor enjoys. Yes, that is exactly it. Thank you. So Willie is high.

And he could do something. More like Willie Nelson, am I right? So he could do the strategically smart thing or he could do the thing that he thinks is going to be kind of fun. So he walks up until Glenn is within range. He points at you, he snaps his finger and he casts harm. So give me a constitution saving throw. Three, I'm going to burn my inspiration from a dad joke previously and go again. 15 plus one, 16.

So harm is necrotic damage that sort of infects you from inside. It unleashes a virulent disease on you. And it does, so this is going to sound bad, it does 14d6 necrotic damage on an unsuccessful save. On a successful save, it does half. So you did 22 damage to you. But the thing about harm is that it cannot...

Actually take your targets hit points below one Wow the most intense pain you have ever felt in your entire life No racks your body from the inside is like you are on fire from it's like acid is eating you out from the chest outward interesting phrasing It is like you're

I fucked that up real bad. Oh, no. You all see it. Beth was like almost asleep. She's just sitting there very calmly. The moment you said she popped up. So, yeah, you have one damage and you were in the most intense and horrible pain you've ever been in your entire life. And Willie goes like...

So it did, but it did like two damage. It did 22 damage or whatever the hell, but he only took him down to hit points. Right. Exactly. It's like stepping on a Lego basically. Yeah, exactly. It's like your entire body is stepping on Legos from the inside. It's like you're passing a kidney stone. That's a Lego. Oh God. That's great. Actually, you know what? You know what? That's exactly what it is. All the shit I said about it eating you out. No, that's not, it's a, you're passing a Lego. Ooh. Ooh. Okay. So now it is Daryl's turn. Okay. So I'm behind the people with the shields.

And Glenn is passing a kidney stone on the bridge.

He's passing a Lego. Yeah, there's a Lego kidney stone. And are you just like floating? Are you just like casually like still moving forward? Yeah, what happened after I zenned out? I'm still flying, right? It's like, you know, like it looks like you're floating in a pool of water that's been like splashed once and the waves are sort of rippling. It's like you're doing that, but in the air where you're just kind of like hovering in space. I think it's like his controller turned off and he's just... Oh, right, because ducks can't hover. Yeah, so you're just sort of drifting through the air like a glider with your arms out, sort of floating with no particular direction. So you got to send these bad dogs to come pick up my...

Yeah, so I grab two of the, I guess, pikemen, because they'd be behind the shield guys, and I say, bring them to the van, and I point to Peyton and Ron. Does the mercenary army have any, like, doctors or anything? Is there, like, a medic associated with this army? That feels like something they'd have. It feels like Doug would have something to do with it. Yeah, Doug's probably got a first aid kit back at the van. I feel like Doug should try to stabilize Ron and Peyton. Oh, so also, I forgot to do Peyton's first death save.

And he rolls a five, which is not enough. So that's one failure. Is he like, are his eyes open or anything? His eyes are open, but nobody is home. Oh, my God. I'm so stressed out. You're going to be okay, buddy. I look at soldiers. I guess Doug's here, too. And I say, get them out of here and take care of them. Okay. So the bad dogs will, on their turn, they grab him and they will start moving. And Doug will basically be... It'll be like ER where he's running with them, trying to heal Peyton as he goes. Okay. And then I...

I guess I lift up the sword, which is still... It's like a catapult now, isn't it? It's like 60 yards. How much tension is on that thing? I was going to bring it down on... 300 pounds. Well, you need some help. Yeah, I'll do it. Strength check, baby. He's a fucking barbarian. Okay. He's got other people with him. He's got people with him. Okay, so... Also, adrenaline. It's like... This is like lifting a car up that's rolled over my kid or something. Wait, Daryl. Daryl, also remember... Remember, you can also...

you can retract it to when it's like the size of a dagger, raise it, activate it, and then bring it down. That's true. Daryl knows that. You can bring it down on the arc. When you're measuring your room in your house, you don't take the whole thing all the way out and try to measure the room. You start with it really small. But first you play around with it like it's a lightsaber. Yeah, you make the lightsaber noises. And then you see how far you can make it go before it breaks. Are you guys talking about penises?

Everything a man says is also about here. It can be many things. Okay, so I'm assuming everybody just kind of has ran around making sure they're not touching the sword. So I retract it and I lift it up and then I shoot it up 100 yards. I shoot it up 100 yards. I come. I come. I make my metaphorical dick 100 yards long and I point it straight into the sky and

And I go split. So, so that everybody, so that I won't bring it down on any of the soldiers. They all move away. And I kill Glenn. And I, and I bring my, my massive unit down onto the scorpion. This is peak Dungeons and Dragons. This is so fucking metal. This is why it was made. So Glenn, make a disadvantage dexterity roll. Oh man, wait,

I'm definitely not aiming it. I'm aiming it away from Glenn. I know, but it's a big sword. And B, he was like directly behind. I rolled dexterity to make sure I don't hit Glenn also. I'm aiming it. Sure, sure, sure. I'm aiming my... Beth is completely gone. Do I have friendly fire? A combination of eating out and then going... Oh my god, this is so fucking

coming with a tape measure this is a good episode i like this episode this is a fun episode um i don't know what number i'm supposed to save two but i got 16 you got a 16 yeah i got 15 plus one okay so that means it cancels out your disadvantage from being just a regular so it's a regular saving role

18. 18 plus. Okay. Describe how you dodge out of the way of this fucking sword. I think it's just pure luck. I'm writhing around so much. It's harder to hit a moving target. So just by pure luck, I'm just out of the way. Okay. So what happens is... I'm just like... I'm just like...

So all the bad dogs do exactly what you said when you said split, because that was a great one word order. So they just immediately move to the sides like you're parting the Red Sea and the sword comes down. So he succeeds on his evasion role. And the scorpion, as it's coming at it, it dodges out of the way deftly. How big is a scorpion, though?

He's big, but I mean, how big is the blade? Did you bring it down flat end? No, I'm just imagining that the scorpion is like the size of the bridge. So I'm just imagining the scorpion doesn't really have anywhere to go. But, you know. Yeah, no, he did a, you know, like on an ACV. A Star Fox barrel roll. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. Basically, he went up on his two left legs and like, and it like went down right next to him. Or he's like an insect. So he could just kind of like go upside down, maybe. Oh, I guess, yeah, he could go on the bottom of the bridge. Oh, that's way better. Yeah, he sees it coming and he just goes.

as it climbs under the bridge and sort of stays there just like every spider that you've ever not known was next to you in your entire life. Oh no! Which is most spiders. It's also gonna come down on Willy's head and Willy's gonna roll. Cool. Oh, he's gotta do it with disadvantage because he's high. Still cool. No! So the Dimadom sword comes down at

Willie's head, like perfectly going to split his bald head and twain. And he's like still chuckling about all the pain that Glenn is in. And then right as it's about to hit him, like a millimeter away from his fucking head with insane lightning speed, his hand comes up and grabs the sword. Who the fuck is

this guy and black ooze starts to come from his veins in his hand and travels down the length of the sword and is beginning to creep towards you essentially and you feel it getting more brittle in your hand okay so he's like got death magic okay so that was he's a magic the gathering player he would have all black all black all black Ron it is now you're not you gotta get to death days again yeah oh shit

Fudge. I got a five. I failed. That's another failure. So you have one success, one failure. Okay, cool. It is now Fred D's turn. I'm still wracked with pain, right? Can I do anything here? Yeah. No, it doesn't like it's an ongoing effect. It just means until it's your next turn, you have a disadvantage. I'm good now. See, you're basically fine. Like you had the most horrible pain you've ever had, but now it's passed. This battle is like Prisoner of Azkaban for Ron and Hermione. It's like.

Hermione turns into a cat and just is not in the movie. Ron's just passed out. I'm sorry, Ron. I think I'm going to... I'm going to get up and be like, oh, I don't know, I'm so bad. Also, taking any damage when you're calm will make you not calm anymore. So if somebody hits Henry, he'll be out of it. Okay, but is Henry like... I assume Henry's gliding towards the van at this point. Correct, yeah. He's actually going in kind of the right direction. Oh, okay, well... I think you're going to naturally kind of solve that problem on your own then, man. Gravity's going to do its work.

So I'm close enough to get behind the lines now at this point, right? Yeah, for sure. So just to clarify, so far in the battle, Glenn has smoked a vape, Ron died, Henry turned into a duck and then just glided around, and then Daryl fucking...

blade-leapt off a giant sword, rescued two people, launched an attack with an entire army, and then fucking judo-chopped a huge sword down on the two biggest bad guys in the entire game. Well, don't sell yourself short. You also tried to pick up Glenn and then dropped him immediately. And then dropped him.

So I'm going to run. I think like Daryl's shirt is also like kind of ripped now. You know, it's like exposed. Stop it. We've established that he's hotter now. Well, not hotter. Skinnier. No, he's getting uglier because he's the Chris Pratt paradox. Yeah. No, you're actually, it's getting less sexy the more exposed you get.

So I'm going to run past the line of defense and like, and also, you know, give some encouraging words. Hey guys, you're doing a good job. You're killing it out here. I'm going to give bardic inspiration to the entire army as I run by. Fantastic. Freddie, can I point of order? Would it not be you singing? You've got the touch by Stan Bush. You guys are doing great. You got the touch.

And I'm waiting for them to respond. I realize they don't know the lyrics. It's you got the power, guys. It's a calm response. Like, you got the touch. And then all of them go, you got the power. And they feel...

Great. 1d8 for 10 minutes. Any ability check, attack roll, or saving roll. Fantastic. So that's their buff, and I'm running past. More like bar kick inspiration. Now, that's a bonus action, so I'm going to take the time also here to cure my wounds because I'm too low. I heard that, Beth. Thanks, Matt. I'm going to cast my fatty cure wounds. So that's 4d8 plus 3. So wait, is it a dad joke?

It was a dad joke. Okay, cool. So then you get a D4 of damage to redirect wherever you want and you get inspiration whenever you want. Oh, fabulous. I should lie about that all the time. Yeah, I know. So you're unconscious and you're still like whatever the dad joke you just said was just sort of comes out of your lips out of uncontrollably. What's that, Ron? More like barking inspiration. I heal 23. Ooh, big boy. So 20. Who girl are keeping your spell slots counted and stuff? Yeah, yeah, I have it there. Can't you just go with it?

Willy nilly. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm up at 23 health now. Okay, cool. So, Henry, it is your turn. Okay, what can I do with all my Zen shit? You can do whatever you want to as long as it sort of makes sense personality-wise because the Zen guy wouldn't attack.

Zenkai wouldn't do that. But am I aware that I'm in danger? Like, what is my deal? You're aware of everything. It just kind of doesn't bother you that much. Like, you feel like it's going to be fine. Like, we've gotten out of worse scrapes than this. You objectively have not. You're listening to the end theme song of this podcast is what it is. It's like me on an airplane after I have, like, three out of vans. Okay. I got...

Matt on three out of hands energy. Okay, so I'm just going to keep gliding. Like, I'm just going to be like, wow, like this is a crazy place and a crazy time we're in. I feel really connected to everyone, even the people that are trying to kill me and like my dad who I hate. Get that second mini bag of pretzels. Why don't you? Yeah, you know, treat myself. So I'm just going to glide towards the, oh, but you know what I do? I feel like I would see that Ron is in distress, right? Like, cause Ron is like, you know, not doing so hot right now, right? Correct. Can I cast spells in duck form?

No, you would have to shapeshift back into your human form. Oh, well, in that case, that's what I'm going to do. Okay. Where am I? Am I behind the army now? Yes, you are. All right, so I'm going to glide to the ground and turn back into a human. I see that my friend Ron, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like Ron is like having an experience where he's close to death, but I don't feel like it's Ron's time yet. I still feel like Ron has a lot to experience and explore in this great and wonderful world of ours. So I'm going to help him out right now, and I'm going to cast my third level healing word on Ron. That's a 3d4 plus three.

Great. And the word is? The word is Ron. Nice. How much do I heal for? 11 hit points. Oh, wow. So that means you are immediately out of death save territory. You just pop back up. I'm alive.

Unfortunately, your turn has already come and gone. Uh-oh. So a legendary action is, if you recall, somebody doing something in response to what you've done. So Willie Stampler is going to take a legendary action, and he is going to cast Teleport. Teleport.

Oh, man. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. So he sort of sees a fracas with all the phalanx of guards and stuff. Because there must be something important there. So he points and he snaps his fingers. And suddenly, Daryl, you're still in this circle, right? Yeah. So you suddenly see Willie Stampler just...

appear right next to you. Okay. So that was his reaction, his legendary reaction. Now the bad dogs are going to go. First of all, Doug is going to try to heal Peyton.

So he fails, but that doesn't mean he gets an additional death save or anything like that. It's just there's too much jostling and the appearance of this guy suddenly has made it very difficult. Doug's like, just put him down. I'll grab him. Come up on the performance review. And then all the bad dogs surrounding you turn inward and start stabbing at Willie. It was like 10 pikemen, right? So about one, two, three, four, five people hit him for.

six damage each. That's 30 damage to Willie. The shield guys also have damage still. They do. Oh, yeah, actually, yeah. Okay, that's fair. So they'll roll as well. Wouldn't it be intense if we just like all three of the dads died? Yeah, that's pretty cool. Just kill all our brothers. That's fast. Okay, so that's another...

25 damage. So he takes 55 damage as they just sort of start hammering on him and stabbing him. And the spears are like going in, but they like stab and they penetrate the skin. But maybe just kind of like bounces his body back and they kind of just come back out and blood's coming out and everything like that. But it just seems like through sheer force of will, he's just like reducing the damage. Not reducing the force of will. Oh, nice. But he's basically just like too angry to be

stopped by this shit and so all of them do a fair amount of damage to him but it looks like he's not really in a lot of trouble he's bleeding from a bunch of holes he's got some bruises all over him but from his personality and from his demeanor you might as well have tickled him with a feather so he's going to take another legendary action and he sees the way that Daryl is looking at Hayden and Doug and he sees Doug putting his hands on this kid and he says I'm

Oh, so you care about this one. Don't even. He points with his finger and it begins to glow green. And Doug sees what's about to happen. And look at the dice. I don't want Anthony to listen to poor shit. And Doug leaps in front of Peyton as a bolt of green light emanates from Willie Sampler's hand. And it hits Doug. And Doug goes like, oh, that's not so. And then he begins to. And he immediately takes.

84 points of damage and instantly vaporizes. He turns to dust. Oh my God. Ashes to ashes. Okay. So Doug is now. I can't even pretend. I was like, oh, I was like, no, you're about to care. Cause pain's about. Yeah. That's the only thing I'm not sad. And that's the only thing that bums me out. It's like, he's trying to save Peyton. Okay. So Peyton's going to death save.

That's a five. So another failure. One more failed save and Peyton is dead. The shield bearers and the pikemen around you, the 10 of them, they're going to look to you, Daryl, and be like, get the kid out. I mean, yeah, that's what you said, right? Yeah. OK, cool. So two shield bearers are going to grab him and one is going to put a shield on his back. One's going to hold a shield for it. And they're going to basically do like a mini failing surrounding him. And they're just going to start sprinting.

So they managed to get him away. So now he's away from the phalanx and they're going to spend their whole turn doing that. So they are outside of dashing distance. The pikemen on the bridge are like, well, he's under the bridge now. We're not quite sure what to do about that. So they kind of like back up and sort of wait for him to show himself. The archers probably just see Bill close to standing on the fucking bridge. That's right. What does Bill do? He's just staying in there. Clearly the Glenn of his trio. Yeah, he's just like, he's just like,

And like pointing at stuff. So Bill is just sort of standing on the bridge like, and the pythons aren't going to get closer to him to run the risk of getting flanked by the scorpion. But the archers are going to look at Glenn and be like, is he, is that a target? Yes. Okay, cool. So they're all going to attack Bill. All right. So they do another 80 damage and he's still looking pretty good. Ooh, baby. These are some heavy boys. Ah,

you hear the gladiator theme blaring really loudly because you never turn that off and you see both Lark and Sparrow at the driver's wheel. Fucking Tokyo drip, like not well, like, like, like it's like, it's like a thing where they like kind of,

They slow the car down and sort of slowly turn it while they're trying to make it like skid on the ground because they don't quite know how to Tokyo Drift. But they basically bring the car in and you see all of your kids are inside the car. They basically screech to a halt in front of Henry. So now it's the bad dad's turn again. Oh my God, how many turns did these guys get? They were just reacting. Yeah, those were just reactions. I wish our kids hadn't shown up here. I wish they would have drove the other direction. All right, I'm going to speed run this shit. You'd go rescue your dad. No, I know, but...

Not this Zod. Okay, so Barry Oak comes back up onto the bridge, transforms back into his human form, raises a leg and slams it down on the bridge. And suddenly pillars of stone shoot out of the bridge upward really quickly. And they like send the shield bearers and the pikemen in the front lines scatter.

ring. Like, it's just like this, like, boom! And, like, 20 shield bearers and 20 pikemen fall off of the bridge into the abyss, basically, and they scream all the way down. No, they don't scream all the way down because they're fucking professionals. Oh my god, this is devastating. They bark. They bark. Yeah, they bark. They go, oh!

So he's an earthbender. Yeah. And then... I got you, Matt. That was kind of funny. No, it's very tough. It's very tough. I was trying to understand what... Yeah, so it's like literally like... He earthbends. I feel bad that I dunked on your joke like that. I'm sorry. I was trying to make a joke. I was trying to understand that... I was trying to understand... It's how we understand the world. Yeah. So everybody flew off. Nobody like flew up in the air and then landed back down. No, a bunch of them did, yeah. Okay, okay, okay. So there's about five guys on top of these pillars just being like...

We don't have any ranged weapons. We're really high up, but at least we're alive. And then Bill's going to run up and just be like, they're getting away. So that's his turn. And then, and then Willie is going to, for the first time, Daryl, you see him look down and realize for the first time, like, oh, I got stabbed a bunch. That's inconvenient. And,

And he just raises out his hands and then just starts running around the center of this phalanx, just slapping people in the fucking face, just like hard and like with a practiced hand. And every single slap that he leaves leaves a black mark. And just like you saw on the sword, the black starts spreading over them and they're they're screaming and they fall to the ground like in horrible, horrible agony.

So that's the dad's turn. The bad dad's turns. How many people does he take out? He takes out 15 people. So where are we now with our mercenary army? So right now you have 66 archers, 31 shield bearers and 30 pikemen left. All right. You still got two thirds left. All right. Way more than two thirds. Okay. So it is Daryl's turn. So this rot is moving up the sword. So I got two attacks because I'm barbarian. That's what I get to do.

And then I have a reckless attack, which means I get advantage. So I saw him slap everybody. All right. Well, I go ahead and I spin the sword. I spin it around. Okay. Now I'm good at it. So I'm like retracting it, but not enough that like the... If you retract it, it's going to take the fucking momentum and down the fucking... Okay. So then I spin it and I'm trying to hit him with the rod. Okay.

willie he's like super close and it's a super long sword are you sure i just ditched that sword dude huh who fucking the sword's done right i wanted but like i'm trying to see if it's like if it's like i think it's so big at this point like you can't do that without retracting it a lot so which again you can but it means that the rot will get closer to you oh yeah i'm gonna like it the idea is that i i'm watching it so i don't like it close enough to me and then i that's not how dnd works you don't get to go like no i do it but like really carefully so the bad thing that should happen doesn't happen to me

I also, I feel like it's going to be Pokemon rules with this rot. Like, like, like it doesn't hurt. I don't know that. Like, I mean, this rot came out of his veins. That's fair. That's fair. No, I get it. Yeah. It's like water on a water. Do we just got to get out of here, man? It's time for a tactical retreat. I know, but he's in between me. Where's Freddie? Where's, where's Glenn? He's still on the bridge. So basically from left to right, if you're imagining this as a sort of two dimensional thing, it goes the van.

Then Henry. Then two mercenaries like pulling Pathan out. Then Willie and Daryl and the Phalanx of Troops and Ron. Yep. And then Glenn. And then the bridge and a bunch of shit going on on the bridge, including Bill Close and the Scorpion guy, Barry.

And yeah, that's where everybody is. Okay, so since I have two attacks, can I pull off an attack and then dash or like run? When you want to attack, you can attack twice, but you have to still spend an action to attack Adelaide. Okay, but I can still run. You can still spend both actions to dash essentially, yeah. Okay, and I have fast movement, so I would run 40 feet. Oh, great.

Okay, so I run out of his range. Yes, absolutely. Well, other than spells. Yeah. Okay, so if you take, like, because we've been inscribing it as a tape measurer. Uh-huh. So especially the really good tape measurers, like, they're really strong. You pull it out, and then you press the button for it to retract, and then you let go. Yeah. And they're like... So I'm doing that with a sword. Okay. I'm, like, holding it so it's, like, pointing towards him, and I'm, like, retracting it as fast as I can, and then I'm going to let go right when it goes so that, like, even if it's just the handle, I'm just, like, sending the sword at Lily. So he's going to roll...

So he unfortunately he sees what you're doing and he just like with the least amount of effort possible moves his head slightly to one side and the handle just misses him completely. There's sort of snapshot down to being the size of a tiny switchblade. Yeah. And then the the black encompasses it entirely and then just sort of melts it away.

And then I'm running. I'm running with fast speed to, I guess I'm following Peyton, but I'm heading towards the minivan. Okay, cool. So that means you basically catch up with the two bad dogs that have Peyton. And I'm screaming and I scream, Grant, open the door. That is your turn. So Ron, it is now your turn. Okay. You actually get to do something now. I'm sorry. You were in the phalanx, right? Because he grabbed you. Yes, yes, yes. So yeah, you can see your dad and you can see 10 remaining bad dogs. Okay. I think that I'm going to use...

Ron's cantrip of thaumaturgy, daddy's home, a noise that sounds like the voice of Ron's father. Oh, perfect. And I think I'm going to, let's see, what's something that Willie could say that would get the other two to not pursue? You could tell them to run away or something. Yeah, like, go back. We'll get them next time. Yeah.

Like, go back to the castle, you fucking idiots. That's great. Go back to the castle, you fucking idiots is great. Yeah. Oh my God. That's very good. They'll just roll wisdom to see if they can tell that it's not him. So they had disadvantage on the rolls because they're very scared of Willy. There's fucking Thanos over here. So Barry Oak got a natural one. And so he goes...

All right, man, whatever you say, man. Okay, not a problem. That's what he says. But oh, he was Scorpion. And he just scurries back into the castle. For some reason, Bill Close rolled pretty well. And he's like, that doesn't sort of shrugs. And so Willie, here's that come out of you, essentially. And he looks back and sees Barry Oak running back in the castle. And he turns back to look at you and he goes,

that's not what I sound like when I'm trying to be scary. And he leans over with his reaction and he grabs you by the scruff of your shirt and he goes, this is what I'm trying to fucking sound like when I'm being scary. So roll wisdom. Okay. Hi, welcome to Willie. The first truly toxic character on Daddy. Okay, I got a 14. Okay, roll again. All right. You got a disadvantage because it's your dad.

I got seven. Okay. So you are so terrified now that any direction you move, it has to be away from him. He's basically caused fear in you. Okay. Oh, that's good. You can tell that like it was less about the strategic value of it and more of just like he sees that fear cross your eyes again. He goes, ah, it's been a while since I've seen that. You have your turn. All right. I'm going to run. I'm going to run toward the van. Okay, cool. Freddie.

Can I now I'm a little bit behind. I'm a little bit lagged here. And there's a Willie between me and my boys, my bros, my friends. You said you can heal Peyton, right? I don't know if I can get to Peyton. Peyton's away from me, though. I've got to turn to if you can't. You know, I don't think I can. How far away is your spell? How far are you from the touch? I'm the farthest away of everybody. I've always been the farthest away from the van. You guys are the closest there. I'm going to try and cast hold person. Okay. Oh, okay.

Huh? Yeah, go, go, go, go, go, go. I'm just very nervous. I'm very nervous. I have no choice. I got to clear off the... I got to clear this out. I'm going to try this and cast Hold Person. Choose a humanoid. See within range. Target must succeed on wisdom. Saving throw will be paralyzed for the duration. And that's a wisdom saving throw of 14. 14? Mm-hmm. Fortunately, he got a 16. I'm sorry. No!

Assuming you're also running, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So right away, I'm just sprinting and I'm trying to be like, hey man, chill! For the first time, it doesn't work. Whoa, I was like, what's going on? So now you're basically, you're within him being able to move and hit you if he wants to. All right, Will. So for one, I think like any dad, the sight of my two boys driving a minivan is going to ruin my chill. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Great. Perfect. All right. So I snap out of it. I'm like, oh, my beautiful butt. And then they stop the car. I'm assuming four inches in front of my face. Yeah. Almost run me over. And I'm like, oh, oh, oh. I look and I see how far am I from Peyton? You are definitely within like 15 feet of him. OK, I'm within 15 feet, so I can't touch it. If I wanted to get in touch range, I'd have to move up to him. Correct. Yeah. OK. You are not within touch distance right now. First thing I am going to do is cast another healing word on Peyton.

Okay. And because I'm really freaked out, I'm just going to say Ron again. I'm going to use another one of my third level spell slots to do that. So that's another 3d4 plus three for Peyton. So he, and sits back up and goes, Oh, Oh, I didn't like that at all. Oh no. And he's crying. Like tears are just streaming down his face. He's for the first time you see, when you look at Peyton, you just see a scared little boy. He got 10 HP by the way. I don't know what that does for him. That's pretty good.

Okay. And then I see Glenn running towards us. And I see, you know, and Glenn's pretty... Like a full Tom Cruise cool sprint. Full Tom Cruise across the bridge in Mission Impossible 3 sprint. Okay, sure. And I realize that he's going to be running straight past Willie, and he's looking a little worse than the wear. And I feel something ancestral and ancient spark within me. And I cast Guardian of Nature.

Which is a fourth level spell. You get that when you join with Pina or does that? That's the $100 a month donation level of Greenpeace. A nature spirit answers your call and transforms you into a powerful guardian. The transformation lasts until the end of the spell. You choose one of the following forms to assume primal beast or great tree. I'm turning into a great fucking tree, motherfuckers. And my skin appears barky, leaves sprout from my hair, and I gain the following benefits. 10 hit points, I get a bunch of shit.

Basically, I turn into a tree man. So as you do that, the leaves that become your hair or your hair that is now leaves, some of it like wafts down in front of you and takes the shape of Aaron O'Neill's face. And she goes, just so you know, this is appropriative.

I just look at Aaron and I'm like, I was going to say something real cool, but now you kind of ruined it. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Forget him here. We go back up into her hair and run for office. The scrolls will come out.

Look, I'm 2% tree, okay? Oh, God. So I turn into a giant tree, and I stare at Willy, and I say, with the ancestral power of the oak, I command you to get thee hence! And I just scream at him, basically. Okay, cool. So you're sort of intimidating him? Yeah, we'll say it's an intimidation check. All right, yeah. Give me an intimidation roll.

Not so high. I got a five. You got a five. Well, he got a two. So I was not expecting a fucking big tree to show up. So for the first time in your life, Ron, you see just a millisecond of fear cross his face.

But even that is like more than you ever experienced from Willie Stampler. And basically he'll have some disadvantage the next time he wants to do something. Whoa. So now it is the bad dog's turn. So they're basically just going to attack the shit out of him. Everybody's going to attack everybody if they have access to. So all the shield bearers that remain in the archers and the pikemen are going to try to attack. Actually, the archers go target with a question mark at the end target. I don't know. I don't need I don't need. What do you need a target? Milk. Willie. Willie. Right. Willie.

Everyone's running. We gotta get the fuck out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Willie. Okay, so everybody remaining just fucking goes after Willie and like they wait for the arrows to come in and...

I mean, yeah, it's not going to matter. It's not going to kill him. Can you imagine how insane that would be? It's like, oh, yeah, and they just kill the end boss. Weird. He's dead. A bunch of the arrows like into him and stick into his body. And then the porcupine is probably make it hard to move. It just makes them hard to move. A lot of really bad mobility. He's like Boromir at the end of a fucking fellowship. So Shurima Funi and was it Blood of Blood? Yeah. Yeah.

And they stab him a bunch of times. The shield bears get on him and start wailing on him and shit. And for a second, you just can't see him beneath this flood of bodies, essentially, that are trying to fuck with him. Oh, I've seen anime. I know what's going to happen. And the exact thing that you think would happen happens! And he stands up all strong and they explode outward and the camera goes...

It moves around him as these fucking people fly everywhere and shit. An anime boosh. An anime boosh, if you will. Daryl, it is now your turn. Yeah, so... Get the fuck out of here, boys. Yeah, I'm staring at Henry's turned into a tree, and then I just have to shake it off for a second. I've seen him turn into a small bird, a duck...

And a tree within the, I guess, what has this been, like, 14 seconds? Yeah. Daryl shakes it off, and I run, and I pick up Peyton, and I'm running into the minivan. Okay. And as I pick up Peyton, I say, you're going to be okay, but you're going to be okay. And I'm assuming the minivan's open. So the minivan is open, and Peyton's like, I got the thing. I found the thing. I wanted to...

And like he's bleeding from his mouth and stuff like that. He's like, I felt it. And he's like rooting around in his fucking pockets and shit. But you don't need to give it right now. You just make it to the van then. And Grant's where? Grant is in the passenger seat. Okay. So I put Peyton down and I look at Grant and I go, I love you, son. I'm so glad you're here. And I like pat him on the shoulder.

Can't really reach over to him. Sure. Oh, so you're in the backseat? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the door's open. Well, yeah, Lark and Sparrow are driving. Oh, right, right. Yeah, yeah. He like cocks his head just a little bit back toward the backseat and just sort of nods silently. Just a real quick, sharp nod. Like, mm-hmm. You the good son. Mm-hmm.

Well, now's my turn. All right, Beth. I think I just run for the van. Okay, cool. I don't know how I would roll for this, but I think Ron turns around as he's running and looks at Willie with no expression on his face. Like no, just trying everything that he can to just not show any fear, just look sort of neutral at him. All right, as you do, you see him mouth the words, I'll be seeing you.

And then when Ron gets the car, he sees Grant in the passenger seat. He's like, actually, could I get shotgun? From the back, Terry Jr. goes, hi, Dad. Nice to see you, too. He called you Dad, dude. Hey, Terry. It's me, your dad. Your uncle is here, too. Peyton. What?

Well, I don't know. I was just doing some kind of deductive reasoning because I thought that, like, if Peyton was also the dad of... Wait, if Peyton was... Actually, when we're all, like, more conscious, I'll draw a diagram or something, but needless to say, Terry, I think that we're more of a family... Like primer? Like a diagram? No, Grant. Actually, yeah, could you get in the back there with Terry and Peyton? Thank you. I guess...

Our family is bigger than I ever thought. Okay. Freddie. As I'm going in, I guess I'll throw another hold person attempt back at Willie. He's got to be the 14. He fails. So he is stuck in place. And I shout, okay, bird. And it stuns him to his core. He's unable to move. Am I out of touch? Oh, no. He's out of touch.

He's like, wait, have I, is this what I've become? Am I a boomer? As you're looking back at him, you say, okay, boomer. And before you can turn around, like Nick has already jumped out of the car and he fucking high fives you. And he goes, that's my fucking man. Hell yeah, baby.

so you make it to the van. Yes. All right. Well, okay. Uh, Henry sees Glenn get the burn of the century and it stuns him out of trip. Basically he did all this energy to get into guardian spirit form. And then already half of his energy was thrown by Aaron O'Neill, like questioning his woke level. And he's like, shit, is this appropriate? If,

And then seeing Glenn throw this monster boomer, the other half of his brain, half of it split into like him being like, is boomer problematic? Should he be saying boomer? And then the other half of him was like, that was the harshest burn I've ever seen. So Henry turns back into a human and he just says, bye guys. And he runs for the van as well. So inside you see Larkin Sparrow, obviously in the driver's seat and they go father.

Like in the exact same. I swoop them into a big bear hug and I just start crying. Oh, and I kiss them both on the cheek and I say, we got to get the hell out of here. And then I just kind of try to shove them into the back. Daddy's going to drive now. When you hug them, you could definitely feel one of them was like, and like trying to wriggle out of it. And the other was like, yes, yes, this is the right way to show affection. And after the episode, we'll look up and remember which of them is the love wolf and which is not. We'll have that straightened out by next episode. Thanks for listening. I'll get it tattooed on my hands. What?

All right. Did you get it wrong? Yeah. Oh, no. So as you turn the car to drive away, the bad dogs as a group yell, orders, retreat! With the frozen, furious, fuming image of Willie Stampler staring you down and the considerably less furious image of Bill Close on a distant bridge kind of like looking at you like squinting. Ha ha ha!

You drive away, followed by a bunch of retreating bad dogs who also get on their horses and try to follow you as you drive away. And you manage to escape Castle Ravenloft with your kids, now knowing the identity of the big bads of this story, so to speak. But you definitely get a sense deep in your heart that this is not the last time that you will deal with them. Hey, real quick, Payton, did I hear you say you wanted to give something to Daryl?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got, I got, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. All right, so Matt, close your eyes. Okay. Oh, shit. I saw Anthony getting something out of his big book bag, and I was like, what the hell is it? Uh-oh, uh-oh. Put out your hand. The reason I'm not seeing what he's pulling out is I'm getting him some water from the back. Like, hey, Grant, can you get some water? This kid's hurt. Hold out your hand, open your hand. Okay. Anthony is walking over to Matt with something in his hand, which we cannot see. So I can feel it.

So I feel like my hand, like my other hand's like kind of like what's snapping and like pointing at Peyton. And he puts something in my hand. And the moment it touches my hand, I can feel the exact texture and softness and the give like a soft eraser wrapped in beautiful plastic. And I turn and I say, it can't be. I open it. And sure enough, there's one Charles and Chew in my hand. Oh, my God.

It has been in my car since then. I thought you would get here so much sooner than you did. I'm like, ooh, it's got that perfect, that softness that comes from sitting in your back pocket and you sit on it all day. It feels wonderful. I look at Peyton. I go, hey, Grant, this one's for you, kid. And I chuck it at him. And Grant is like looking at you and it just bounces off his face.

He doesn't go to grab it or anything. You can just eat that later. It's all right. It's gonna be all right. It'll be all right. Cause that's just life. Even if you die, it'll be all right. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. Eat a bite, cause that's just life. All you do is try. It'll be all right. It's gonna be all right.

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold, it's Daryl Wilson, Anthony Burge is our DM, Will Campos is Henry Oak, Beth May is Ron Stampler, and myself, Freddie Wong, is Glenn Close. Our theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Special thanks to our Patreon supporters for their unyielding support of our dad antics. Let us together right now immortalize the names of Hannah, Jacob Rogers, Ryan Worobetz, Jack Goldstein, Aisto, someone named Tiget, and the rest of us.

Elmer Rabadan, Alex Contero, Stephanie, and Hana E.,

If we happen to have given you some good times, please consider supporting what we do at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads. There's a bunch of great bonus content for you to peruse. EXL members this month have a new issue of Daddy Issues, which is our in-character PDF newsletter. And Anthony, as our DM, wrote a really good article on how to come up with memorable NPCs for your campaigns. All that and more at patreon.com slash dungeons and dads.

If the old wallet's committed to other causes, no worries. Maybe swing by iTunes and leave us a review or follow us on social media. Our website is dungeonsanddaddies.com, which is also the home of our merch store. New items are coming soon. I promise we're working hard to get all that stuff together. But as you are probably well aware, the world is pretty wild right now.

Twitter.com slash Dungeons and Dads are where them tweets at. Fit.ly slash Dungeon Dads is that private Facebook group. And the subreddit is r slash Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode is coming out March 31st. By the way, Nadine, George says he loves you. And this is here. So he is going to cast Disintegrate. On who? On Doug.

It's fucked up that I'm a little like, oh, okay. I don't care. I don't care at all about Doug. Dungeons and Dragons is brought to you this week by Bespoke Post. Hey, summer. Bespoke, my heart. I fucking love Bespoke Post. It's summertime. And they got a new premium lineup of Box of Awesome Collection. Oh, my God. Okay, so like, you know, in Dune, they have the Box of Pain. That's like the opposite.

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