Ep. 34 - Dedicated Involved Loving Fathers (ft. Ashly Burch)
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See store for details. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description.

Tantor Audio presents Forsnaken, A History of the Snake People of the Land of Faerun, written by Sea Snake, narrated by Will Jenkins, published by Kobold Press Neverwinter, who holds the copyright thereto. Book 7, My Time with the Daddies, Part 3, The Orcish Firepit, Chapter 8, A Debt Fulfilled. Wookiee Life Debt.

Dread Cow Vakaris. Dread Bread Redemption. Walter the Immoral. Payden. End of side one. To continue, please flip this podcast to side two. Dread Cow Vakaris.

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast, not really even a D&D podcast. I figured it out, folks. It's a true crime podcast based on the things that we say. Yes! Real crime junkies know. This is a D&D podcast, kind of, about five dads from our world flung into the Forgotten Realms on the quest to rescue their lost sons.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play Glenn Close, the rock and roll bard of the group. This week's Glenn fact, everyone remembers the contentious war of PlayStation versus Xbox. We all were on different sides of those battle lines. As if it's not still going on, Freddie. That's true. But Glenn Close was well aware of that. And he never understood what the big deal was because you just get both. I don't get it. And then people are like, Glenn, you're an adult. This

This is an all war between adults. This is a war between children and teenagers. Did he bring up this point with Nick while not buying Nick either console? Oh no, Nick definitely had both. Four consoles. If you think Glenn Close wasn't hooking Nick up with video games in lieu of parenting, then you have not been paying attention. That's very true. Fair enough. You got him one of the like pirated Xboxes or the like jailbroken ones that have like every SNES game on there. I got one of them hacked PS2s that actually did have one of those. It was a great investment anyway. Yeah.

Hi, my name is Matt Arnold. I play a Daryl Wilson, a stay at home coach dad who becomes a barbarian in the Forgotten Realms. Quick little dad fact about Daryl, or I guess it's also about Grant.

So Grant's nickname is Shooter. And he got that also at the same time that Daryl was banned from sharing YouTube videos anymore or any videos with his kid. What? So Grant... I'm sorry. I'm dreading the end of this. So Grant was having his soccer friends over and they're doing a little YouTube party, having a good time. And Daryl's like, oh, here's a funny ass video. I'll show you guys a funny video. He pulled out one of the first videos he had on his phone of his kid, which...

which was when he was changing Grant's diaper for the first time by himself without Carol. Grant shot shit across the entire room and Daryl started laughing. He kept that video. So he showed it to all his friends and now all his friends call him shooter. And he's doing the math on timelines as to when people had cell phones with video cameras on them and when Nick would have been born. And then Daryl had that phone. He has an Nokia that none of this adds up.

There are ripples in the timeline today. It was a VHS tape. He saved it. It's a mini DVD. That's very good. He's like, I got a YouTube. He pulled out a 16 millimeter camera like in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and pulled all the kids around and scanned through all the wedding photography. He was like, no, no, no. Here, I got something to show you. And then what's this? It's Grant shooting shit across the room.

I like that he had a 16. I guess it would have been like a home movie or whatever. That makes the chicks out. All right. Carol in the background screaming, hey, change the diaper. Why are you filming this? Why are you filming this? It's going to seep into the wallpaper. Matt, no joke. I think every parent friend of mine has had the same story. Yep. I have the video on my phone still. I'm definitely saving it to share with that significant other at some point.

Hey, everyone. What's up? I'm Will. I play Henry Oak, Birkenstock rockin', hippie, granola crunchin', munchie, crunchy, hippie nature druid dad. Henry's dad fact this week. I feel like I gave you guys a nice, sincere dad fact last week, so we're back to cruel, awful Henry facts.

And this one I decided to do in honor of Freddie and Matt's side podcast, Debate Me Coward, where they debate pizza toppings and set the internet on fire. It's more than just pizza toppings, William, but go ahead. Reductive much, but... Henry's favorite pizza is pineapple. And you're probably wondering...

You're probably wondering, you're like, but wait, Henry's vegan. How does he eat cheese? And no, no, no, no, no. Henry does not put cheese on his pizza. His pizza is just crust, tomato sauce, and pineapple. And that's his favorite pizza.

Actually, guys, that sounds delightful. Thank you. That one is courtesy of my wife, Cherish. She came up with that one. Wow. Beth, you say that sounds delightful, but just turn around and tell me how disgusting this sounds. How about I give you a slice of pineapple, put some marinara sauce on top of it, and put some breadcrumbs on it? Also, it sounds disgusting. You know, he'll sprinkle a little oregano on there, maybe some red pepper flakes. Like, it's all the trappings of pizza, but with no cheese.

I mean, I just love pineapple. You could do a lot to pineapple before I would say no. Anyways, hey murderinos, I'm Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather in Rogue. This week's dad fact about Ron, okay, I

think that Ron didn't know that male person was a profession I think that he just thought they were like it's people that come over like sometimes noon sometimes 2 p.m. just to say hi and give you stuff I didn't I didn't think he thought that uh it was like anybody's job he just thought they were men he's like I'm a male person too hi a male person

A male. And hey, everyone. I'm Ashley Birch. I play Dennis Anderson. He's a thirst trap PTA firefighter widow dad. Ooh, we love him for it. And he's a bit of a rogue. He's a bit roguish in his way. Dennis's dad fact this week is, so Dennis likes to go to a 6 a.m. yoga class to keep his body tight. And that's like the witching hour for widows to find a...

hot dads to kind of snake on. 6 a.m. 6 a.m. You know, they get up bright and early. They get their shit did. They come to yoga. They're looking for Denny. I mean, he does everything better than Henry. Henry only does his yoga at 7 a.m. Ugh. I know. He has to get up early because he has to be able to take little Ulysses to school. So, uh,

Oh, yeah. That's so sweet. I know. It's very sweet. Because six is the number that sounds closest to sex. Exactly. Right? But, you know, Dennis is a pure heart, so he wouldn't know that necessarily. He just thinks it's nice to start your day early. He doesn't know that six and sex sound similar. No.

He goes to yoga early and one week, one of the widows that had taken a shine to him gave him a shirt that said DILF, but underneath it said devoted, involved, loving father. And he just thinks that that's what... That's such a good shirt. That's what he thinks DILF stands for. That is such a good shirt. And he was like, oh, that's really sweet. And now it's kind of an in-joke between her and the other widows. Oh my gosh. Who all hate each other because they really want to bang Dennis. Ashley, am I hearing it right that this is like some sort of widow yoga that Dennis crashes? Yes. Sort of like, it's weirdly,

it's the widow witching hour. A bunch of widows just happened to come to this yoga class. Oh,

Oh, it's not like you're not allowed to do yoga unless your husband is dead? No, no, no, no. It's one of those things where everyone found out that Dennis goes there at six, so now all the thirsty widows come out of their hidey holes to go to yoga. And which yoga studio is this? In Los Angeles? Wouldn't you like to know? Which yoga studio is this, and who does Beth need to marry and then murder to get into it? It's the Core Power Yoga on La Cienega. Oh, my God.

Oh my gosh, okay. I'm Anthony Burch. I'm your daddy master. And I have good news. Our long national nightmare is over. I have found a way to pet my cat that does not involve any erogenous zones at all. Oh God. It's totally fine. Proud to be an American today. I really wish she wouldn't keep talking about this. Is it just you telling your cat that you're not going to pet it anymore? It's just like, no, you don't get pets. Now I just lick my own ass in front of my cat. Establishes dominance.

Brother. He is brother. You do the head down to the middle of the back and then you do it really rough and that is enough to confuse her senses. She's like, I guess this is what I want. It's worse when you say it that way. It's not erotic. She just really likes it. It's worse.

She loves it. I've ferminated my cat today. She loves it. Oh. Oh, yeah. Is this exactly like ferminating? There you go. Every time this almost isn't a BDSM podcast, it just works its way, its magical way back into being a BDSM podcast. BDSM is the black hole at the center of our universe. My cat has never nutted and my cat will never nut. Ha ha ha ha.

When we last left you, you had finished barbecuing the Dread Calvacaris to find out where all of your daddy magic anchors were. Dennis scoring that roll for medium rare on that, right? Oh, yeah. So to reiterate, Henry's was in Oakvale. Daryl's was in Balls Deep. Ron's was in Swankery Hill. Glenn's was in Meth Bay. And Dennis's was in the Librarium Decepticus. And right as you were considering talking about, hey, which anchor are we going to go through first?

Aaron O'Neill came up on the leaves and told you that because the thing that was in your van that prevented you from being magically located has disappeared. The Omega Dads know where you are. They sent bounty hunters after you. And then immediately afterward, you heard the familiar voice of Walsh with the immoral coming and asking where the hell his son Peyton was. And you immediately told him like, oh, Peyton's right there. And he went, OK, cool. No big deal. And he put his sword away.

So Walter says, where's your thing? Walter, hey. Hey, it's me, Henry Oak. Hi. Nice to see you again. You know, Peyton snuck out with us, and then we got tangled up in a whole bunch of crazy hijinks, and we were just on our way to bring him back to you. Right, guys? And I look at all the other dads to give the thumbs up. Does this sound like a good plan? Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. Glenn thumbs up and nods. I mean, you know, Peyton. Peyton goes where he wants. Also, I'm pretty sure that we got to get the hell out of here ASAP. So if you're going to be mad at us for taking your kid, like, let's do that. Not here. And Walter, you know, Peyton's coming of age and he needs to go on some adventures and just sort of discover himself. And we're a safe group to do that in. So I don't think you need to worry about him too much. Okay. Ooh.

Are you? Payton, who is currently hugging Dennis around the stomach in like a front-facing backpack, like turns his neck to look at Walter and goes like, yeah, yeah, I feel very safe. And he nuzzles Dennis's ample pecs. Dennis pets Payton's hair in a very loving way. He purrs. In a non-erotic way. In a non-erotic way.

platonic, nurturing way. Nowhere near the tail. Hayden will never nut. I make that promise to you, dear listener. Oh, poor kid. Really? Never. I mean, never? Like weapons? Okay. Well, I won't get into that. Not while this podcast is going. If you pay us. We won't know if he does, unless he tells us. If we get 10,000 Patreon subscribers, we'll do Dungeons and Daddies Nights that's like 20 years in the future and tells you about all Payton's escapades. Ron turns to Dennis and says,

Hi. Hey, bud. You okay? I'm Ron. I know, buddy. Yeah. Ron is my name. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, just you're just hanging out with. Hey, Peyton, who's your friend here? Dennis. Ron. Obviously, my bad, man.

Dennis leans over to Glenn and goes, is he doing the thing he does? Is he goofing? You know, half the time it's a goof and half the time you don't know where the goof goes. So you kind of just ride until there's a punchline. But sometimes the punchline never comes. Right. Okay. I don't know if this is like the mustache thing, like the practical joke thing, but I don't think we have time for this. Walter, did he bring any horses or anything so we could get the hell out of here? I didn't need to bring a horse. I brought something I would say considerably cooler based on what you showed me that one time.

And we bring it out and he steps in the shadows and then walks out. What seems to be a motorcycle with four sidecars attached on either side. It's a very, very wide motorcycle made primarily of wood and metal. Dennis kind of raises his hand and goes, these are sort of dangerous. Maybe I should drive. You know, I've done some motorcycle racing in my time. Oh, that's right. Dennis did the whole motorcycle thing earlier. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's why don't you roll persuasion?

Oh, no. Eight. He goes, Dennis, as always, I appreciate your attempts to make things easier on me, but I think it would be more reasonable if I drove it because I understand the weight of this baby and how to keep it going. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, there might not be room for a Dennis.

What? Why wouldn't there be room for Dennis, Ron? I mean, I was going to say, it does seem like, is there going to be room for everyone and the kids, right? Because, like, if there's only four sidecars, do we just, I guess we all just scooch in? Walter looks at it and he goes like, oh, I can't believe I screwed up. I forgot to put on the fifth sidecar. Oh, Walter, it's, you know, buddy, it's totally fine. It's totally fine. Hey, how about this? Would you mind, I can just sit behind you if there's room and I'll just hug you. You can hold me around the stomach? Yeah, I'll just hold you around the stomach and then we'll just go on our merry. Does that work?

I think so. Okay, great. That works. That way everyone can be comfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is everybody going to get in the motorcycle? Yeah, I grab Grant and I hop in one of the sidecars. I grab Lark and Sparrow by the hand and I say, motorcycles are very dangerous and I'm a little nervous about us all getting in here without helmets on, so we're just going to sit very still, okay? Okay.

Yep. Yes. Okay. Well, you guys are going to be each other's safety buddies. So see who can hold on to the sides of the sidecar the tightest. Okay. I bet that I can hold on tighter than either of you. Larkin's fair immediately go like, I take that challenge and they grip into the sidecar so hard that the wood of it splinters. Glenn sits down with Nick. It's like, hey, Nick, can you pass me the other end of that seatbelt? Uh,

Just kidding. I was like, I don't know where it is. Oh, man. We don't need a seatbelt where we're going. Good shit. Good shit. Hey, Terry, do you want to after you, kiddo, you want to hop in there?

in the sidecar thing. Well, if I go in first, you're going to have to be sitting on my lap. Do you want to go in first? No, you can go in first. And I, you know, I just want to... Dennis seems to be having a great time so close to the bully wog. I don't see why I can't be...

wrapped around somebody uh just sort of there for no reason for your dad huh there's not a lot of space we all have to cuddle up all right thanks dennis no problem bud and ron just squints like very hard at dennis but in like a way that everybody else might seem innocent terry kind of goes like yeah you got a good point and so he gets in the car first and tries to scoot over to make enough space there isn't enough space so you're just gonna sit on your stepson's lap yeah is

Is that cool? Is that weird? No, I don't think it's weird. I don't think it's weird. I think it's awesome. Ron is canonically 5'4". Terry's like, this doesn't have to be weird. It really doesn't have to be weird. Hey, Terry, you're right. It does not have to be weird at all. It doesn't. It doesn't even have to be a little bit weird. It can just be like this. I mean, one of us is going to have to sit on the other's lap and you are not wearing pants. So no matter what, it's going to be a little bit weird. I'm already sitting on his lap. I'm already sitting. I lean over to Grant and I'm like, that...

Those samplers are pretty weird, aren't they? Grant, for the first time in what feels like hours, meets your eyes and goes, yes. And then looks away again. Oh, they found a new bond they can shit on wrong.

I like the thing that Ron is taking Terry's hands and then like clasping them around his waist and then like clasp your fingers please to be a seatbelt. So Walter guns it and this behemoth made of wood and steel that's powered by seemingly a big box of coal at his feet roars out of the cave. And as the daylight of the cave begins to hit you, you begin to see the silhouettes of

Five riders approaching you on mounts of various different sizes. And as the car gets closer and closer, you can see that some bounty hunters on a very large mastiff, a horse, a camel, a skinny elephant, and a miniature pony a la little Sebastian are all charging towards you. And they look to be Kenku, which is bird people that can't fly. Idiots. I can't do that.

Let's see what the point. Okay. So they're all holding their weapons forward and sort of charging at you and the cars come, the motorcycle rather, is coming toward them and you're about to hit them. Is there anything you'd like to do before you hit them? Oh, so it's like a jousting moment. Like we're both going straight at them. Oh, so yeah, they're coming straight at us? Yeah. Can I do like a perception-y type check to see if there's any sort of hot air?

maneuvering we could do if there's any sort of way we could slip between or do something advantageous with the room that we got the room you're in is hypothetically collision course but actually why don't you give me a perception check and then I'll tell you could we do like the cartoon thing where we split the sidecars away and then they go through us and then we bring them back together

Absolutely, you can do that. I got an 18. Okay, so with an 18, you know that A, you could do the thing that Matt just said. And B, hypothetically, if you did it properly enough, you could like fold in the end side cars and then like...

use the tunnel that you're in like a pipe and then sort of drive around the circumference of it, like going over them kind of. Well, like in Men in Black when he presses the red button. Exactly. Henry, this is all you, baby. All you got to do is do the vines. We split up and we make a clothesline. Oh,

Ooh, yeah. Ooh, that's pretty good. That's very cool. I think we should do that. Guys, you ever watch that movie where it's the guy and his dad, and they're in a motorcycle with a sidecar, and I think his dad is James Bond, and the younger guy is like, he's Harrison Ford. I can't remember which movie this is, but it doesn't matter. They're in a little car, and they separate, I think, at one point. I might be remembering this wrong. Look, the point is, we're going to do like a little clothesline, right? So check this out, and I cast Entangle on the side of the motorcycle.

So you haven't detached the cars yet, right? No, the idea is I'm going to pull like a big vine or thing of vines out of this pile of entangled vines. And then we're going to like stretch it out and like split and clothesline them. Probably like Dennis holds one side of it. Yeah. Like, do you guys remember when we dropped the pyramid in Neverwinter and then Dennis and I both jumped off the other sides with a rope and then we were hanging and balancing? It's like that. Actually. Okay. What? What?

Henry. Yeah. I, I, I, there was that whole thing. We killed all those people. It was really bad. Hey, mister, I caused the pyramid. I basically, it was all my fault. You know, it's just, give me a little credit here. Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't mean to run. I know it's a sore subject. Ron, I look straight at Ron, Ron, we all caused the pyramid, man. You can't put that on your own shoulders. Yeah. Well, I was just seeing the dentist. I don't know what Dennis did. Ron, we can sort out.

Who did what about the pyramid? Look, it's important when you go through something traumatic to process it, but right now is really not the time. And I look at Dennis and I say, Dennis, just like the pyramid, bro. And I throw him a wink and then I toss him the other end of the vine. You got it, buddy. Run under his breath. This is not just like the pyramid.

And then Glenn is going to take this moment to do a little bit of bardic inspiration and quote some Iron Maiden at Dennis. So Dennis, Ashley, you're going to be able to have a 1d8 for any ability check that you want to do here for the next 10 minutes. So inspired are you by the lyrics of Iron Maiden? Anthony, okay, so I want to use all of the core yoga strength that I have to try to hold on to this vine while also keeping the motorcycle straight so that Walter doesn't like tip

Since we're doing some shenanigans, you know, I want to make sure he's on the straight and narrow. Okay. So are you going to hold both ends of the vine from like the left or the right side or just one of them? Henry has one end. Dennis has the other end. Okay. This is what we'll do. Henry's got one end. Dennis has the other. Daryl, who is in the sidecar next to Henry, like, you know, because he always stays close to Henry. He leans over Henry's lap. And then he is the one who's going to unpin the sidecar. So that it's all right. Hey guys, I can do something really stupid that then works better.

In a coincidence, we don't have to do this plan. You could describe what that is and then maybe actually do it. That would be great. No, Dennis. I said that I've done it before. You should... You would know...

Daryl's like, Henry, are you good? Are we ready to go? I'm good. Hey, Dennis, let's do a Vinyasa flow. And then I go to Daryl. I'm like, that's a yoga joke. I don't think you'd get it, but pull the pin. I don't get it. And I pull the pin. Okay. All right. So I'm going to try to like, I guess. Ron turns to Daryl Jr. and says, I got that yoga joke. Daryl's like, you can't say much because your back is smooshed into his face, but you feel his hand reach up and like pat you on the shoulder a couple of times.

Do we have to roll or anything, Anthony? Okay, no, you don't have to roll. You've basically pulled it out and you pulled the thing out and the sidecar's beginning to drift to the side. So who does need to roll is Dennis and Henry are holding on to their ends of the vine. So both of you roll strength or athletics. Up to you. Athletics will probably be better. Fuck it. Why not? I was going to be like, I feel like Henry would just tie it to the cart.

but no, it's even better. That's great. Okay. Roll like dexterity or sleight of hand. I fail. Oh, no, but you can, you can throw a one D a bad. Did you turn to it? Okay, hold on. Let me try that. Fucking one. Are you serious? Oh no. That's great. I mean, that's the first time that the bardic inspiration I've given you has not helped you at all. Well,

What was your roll? My roll on my D20 was a five, and then my roll on my D8 was a one. Yikes. Well, Henry held on to his like a champ, so Henry still got the rope. Okay, so Henry tied his side on it. Well, Dennis was doing a real corpse pose over there. That is a good one, buddy. That is a good one. It's not supposed to make you... Okay. Okay.

Terry again pats you on the shoulder. The vine gets yanked out of Dennis's hand. And worse than that, it doesn't just fall to the ground. The vine falls into the wheel of the motorcycle and gets caught up in it. And so immediately the motorcycle gets gummed up and the front wheel stops moving, which means the back wheel continues to move. Like Last Crusade style? Well, I was going to say the Dark Knight, the semi-trailer. Like the back of it just goes...

And like starts coming up over the top because the front says stop so suddenly. And all of you begin to tumble forward out of your side cars. So everybody give me a dexterity roll to try to avoid damage as you land. Shit. So just to clarify, what I'm doing is as I feel the car crashing, I am hugging and wrapping myself around Grant. Okay. So he won't have to take any damage then. Whatever damage he takes, I'll roll for all the kids.

And then, but specifically Grant, whatever damage he might get will instead happen to you, Daryl. So what am I rolling? Dexterity or constitution? You're rolling dexterity saving throws. Shit. Wait, I got it. Do I, do we never long rested at the end of the last episode? Cause you guys bullied me. Cause we were going to get attacked.

I was going to be like, oh, Henry nailed it, but Henry's got fucking disadvantage on all of his rolls still. So Henry did not nail it, and Henry's going to die. Well, remember, poison wouldn't be fixed during long rest. Remember, that was the other thing. Poison's not fixed during long rest. Fucking mom would be fixed in long rest. I got a 16 plus one, so 17. 13 plus three, 16. I got an eight. Henry got a seven. Oh, no.

Henry, don't you have inspiration? Oh, you know, I did have an inspiration. All right. I think I have inspiration too. Do I have to roll? Do I get disadvantaged when I burn inspiration again? Or do I just get a new roll? Hypothetically, you would use it beforehand so that it would be like, oh, it cancels out. So actually, just use a normal-ass roll. Ignore what just happened. Just give me a normal roll now and that'll count. Okay, I got a 17.

17. Okay. Yes. Wait, can I use inspiration? Because I had that sick burn on Dennis that everybody thought was so funny, including Dennis. Uh... Uh...

So everybody who rolled less than a 10, you're going to take 2d4 damage and all the kids saved except for Grant. So Daryl, you're going to take 4d4 of damage. And the motorcycle comes to a horrible and sudden stop. All of you are thrown forward by the suddenness of the jolt and the four bounty hunters on their steeds of different size are still coming at you. What would you do? I got...

15 damage. 15 damage? That's almost the max you could possibly get. 4-4-3. Oh my god. This is why you wear helmets when you ride motorcycles, people. Yep. I got 6 damage. Okay. Ow.

Okay, so real quick character strategizing. Will, it feels like the vines are going to be the way to stop these other vehicles in their tracks, right? Oh, because they're still strutting all over the bippity boppity place? Yeah. Are we in combat? You're going to get one more turn of reaction because you guys stopped short of where you were going to go with your speed. So you have one more turn to do something and then we'll be in combat. What happened with the kids? So the kids all flew forward, but

Lark and Sparrow, because they were holding so tight onto the cart, like you suggested, just sort of stayed with it as it went forward. And then they let go gently after it stopped moving. Terry was cushioned by Ron's girth being on top of him. Let's rephrase that. Terry was cushioned.

Terry just knows how to land. You know what? Terry just knows how to land safely. It's fine. He can take care of himself. Yeah, he's the best soccer player. He's quick on his feet. Nick got so fucking lucky because his legs were up and his hands were behind his head. And when the thing stopped, his fear kicked in and his legs went totally straight and they braced him against the cart so that when it flipped over, he was just sort of standing. Standing? And then he just sort of

stepped out of the car. Let's be honest. You know how like when drunk people get hit by cars, they don't get hurt because they're all super flexible. It's like both Nick and Glenn are so high and so loose. Yeah. They just roll off this thing like a baby. They just bounce back. That's definitely a fact more people should know.

Don't drive drunk. But if you do get into an accident, make sure that you are drunk. Get drunk. If you're going to walk across the street, walk across the street drunk. Oh my God. All right. For legal reasons, that was a joke. Since Ron is the only one that failed, is it possible for me to like go over and help him up really fast? Sure.

So you go to help Ron up, but your grip slips. When you fell out of the motorcycle, the holster for your dagger on your belt got like right angled. And as you try to pick Ron up, you stumble a little bit or Ron stumbles a little bit and he falls kind of onto the tip of the dagger. So Ron take an additional 1d4 plus two damage. Oh my God. What? He like fell onto his dagger? Yeah. All right. So I took four more damage.

Oh, man. Okay. Everybody who's not Dennis has one thing they can do before these guys get to you. What do the sidecars look like? They're basically big old rectangular wooden crates that are attached by an iron beam that

to the center of the motorcycle. So our four sidecars are still attached and the motorcycle separate. You are connected to the motorcycle, but only by the vine and Henry Tide, not by the pin that connects to the beam. Yeah, I was more thinking about using the four sidecars as like a shield of sorts to not let these animals trample us. Oh, it's like a fucking gladiator. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because we got what? We got like a skinny elephant, whatever the fuck that is. We got a skinny elephant. It's a Republican on a diet, am I right? Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

A small pony, a camel. Anyways, we've got a bunch of trampling animals. Yeah. Oh, real quick. Just broadly. How's Nick's like throwing skill? Can I trust this kid to throw something fairly accurately?

Uh, he's got a plus two. I'm going to be like, Nick, take this jug and chuck it at whatever comes at me. And I'm going to go like pretend like I'm stuck. Like my foot is stuck underneath one of the sidecars. I'm like, Oh no, my foot's stuck. Oh, I'm helpless here. And then the idea is that Nick is going to try and throw the jug and splash acid all over whoever, uh,

It's coming to me. Okay, it will destroy the jug. Why don't you just grab the jug and throw it at somebody? Why is Nick being coerced into doing this? I was going to say, you do realize you're asking your son to throw acid more or less at you. Like you could, you could do.

why don't you just like do like grease on the ground and then they'll all spin out or something like that or light them on fire or something i don't want to backseat parent it's up to you well will this is why you don't backseat parent because you're not sitting there with my character sheet in front of me in the same way when you're out in the real world you don't have other people's character sheets in front of them and if you did you would know that acid comes in eight ounces and oil only comes in one quart which is not

lot of oil to cause any kind of crazy stuff, but eight ounces happens to be just enough to melt someone's face off. A quart is more than eight ounces, isn't it? I thought it was. Yeah, but if the goal is to melt someone's face or set an entire thing on fire. No, we're not letting this be freaking cut twice as bullshit. I don't know what Freddie's talking about. Okay, so Daryl flips over the four sidecars and... There are 32 ounces in a quart, by the way. Dries them...

and tries to like herd the kids underneath the sidecars. Hold on, back. Okay, you know what? Hold on, back. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to back up. Hey, Game Master, referee over here, referee, Game Master, has Glenn finished his action? Glenn has finished his action. Okay, cool, so shut up. Super big gulp. Super big gulp.

A super big gulp. Yeah, that's going to be enough oil to get someone to spin out. A super big gulp worth. So what Daryl does is he flips over the sidecars and herds, definitely Grant, but then any of the other kids who are nearby, probably Henry's kids, tries to get them underneath the sidecars. And then he like braces up against it and holds up his axe and gets ready for whatever these...

are going to do. You and Nick are both going to have reactions when they get within your range of attack. And Grant. Yeah, and Grant. I don't care about Nick. Nick's actually attacking. Grant's not going to do anything. Grant's just going to hide. Do you want Grant to do something? I try to hurt Nick and then I see Nick holding a big thing of acid and I go...

And I'm like, Grant, get underneath the sidecar. You consider grabbing Nick, but then you're like, well, I can't see Glenn's character sheet. So how can I possibly judge? I mean, what does Grant do? Like, I mean, I could give him, I give Grant my other axe because I got my great axe and I have like my original starting axe. I give him an axe, but like I'm definitely telling the kids to get behind the sidecars. Okay. Well, when you put the axe in his hand, a look of recognition comes upon his face. Oh.

Yeah. And he gets a thousand yard stare and he says, I know what to do. Oh God. And he, he steps forward, acts in hand to like stand alongside you.

Okay. I mean, I definitely notice it, but I'm assuming I'm playing this as if like they are inches away. So like, I mean, I raised my axe and I'm watching Grant. I'm like gonna get him out of the way if I need to, but I'm not gonna argue with him. Do we have tabs on Peyton, by the way? Is Peyton one of the children that you, that you rustled up? Peyton landed fine because he was still holding on to Dennis's torso. And he still is like a reverse Yoda from Empire Strikes Back. Oh, so Peyton was over with you. Okay, great, good. Yeah. Dennis has always been Peyton's favorite. Oh, that hurts. It's disgusting.

Damn. Henry, seeing that the kids are safe underneath the sidecars, sees the horde coming and he turns to Dennis and he says, Dennis, and he slaps Dennis on the shoulder and says, be one with the shadows, my friend. Move like the night. Strike like a dagger. Blinding and flying through the darkness. And I cast Pass Without Trace on Dennis. So Dennis has a plus 10 bonus to dexterity checks and can't be tracked except by magical means. Holy shit. That dexterity would have been useful when you gave him the vine. Yeah.

That's okay. You know, I better light the never. How long have you had that spell? That's amazing. That's a good spell, yeah. That's a really good spell. It's good, you know. Barians get angry and they get some extra damage. That's what I get. I'm basically invisible now?

now? Plus it had a dexterity check, so I guess that must, yeah, that's like you can use that on Yeah, stealth counts as a dexterity check I believe? I don't know. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Agniti will tell me afterwards. It's called pass without trace. Yeah, it says parenthesis stealth check, so yes. Okay, cool. So yeah, you've done that, so now just Ron remains, right? Yeah. Ron sees that happen and sinks to his knees behind the, um, one of the side cars. He turns around so he's not looking even at where the conflict's coming and he like whispers,

Mr. Mustache. I don't care what it is. What should I do? I was thinking like if I shaved you off you could maybe tell me what's going on up there but I could still hide down here or maybe I could just point this little dagger that's still on my stomach up like a mirror and you could tell me what to do. Mr. Mustache, I'm really confused. There's a lot of things that have changed recently.

And I just need some guidance, I think. Why would you shave me off? That would kill me. I would die. That would be a bummer. It would look good though, right? Don't do that. I think I would look good. I mean, we all saw what you'd look like before you had the mustache. But you had a normal mustache and now you have a second mustache. So your sexiness is doubled. To me, it would be a step back. Okay, that's fair. That's fair. So definitely keep me on the face. Okay. Now, in terms of what you should do strategically here, hmm. Well, you have many options. You could run.

You could fight. You could sneak on him. But it seems like your buddy Dennis is probably doing a much better job than that. We'll see about that. Okay. Can I just try to do whatever Dennis is doing? But without that bonus? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to try to sneakily follow Dennis. Great. Dennis, go ahead and give me your stealth roll.

19. What do you do? Describe what you're doing to sneak up on these. So basically all of the carts are overturned, right? Uh-huh. Are there any adjacent to me? You were in the center on the motorcycle. So like the rightmost cart on the left set of carts and the leftmost cart on the right set of carts are right next to you. So is it...

What a sentence. And yet I follow. I know. I'm not good at imagery or visual. Yeah, I'm not good at that. I think if I could roll stealthily underneath one of these things and then as the creatures are passing, can I use my flail and like try to sweep the legs? Okay. So Ron, give me a stealth check as you attempt to do the exact same thing.

Okay, so I got 13 plus 8. Wow! But I think instead of using a flail, whatever the frick that is, I'm going to take the dagger out of my stomach and try to stab somebody while I'm rolling.

Also, could I instruct Peyton to also do the same thing to like put out a weapon and try to sweep the legs? Peyton's like, oh, that's my move, baby. You don't have to worry about that. And he looks over at Glenn's tendons and sees that the wound is still fresh. And he goes like, I've been training for this my whole life. Like punch zoom on the tendons. Yeah. Walt's the immoral. Actually, I got to roll to see if he landed correctly or not. I didn't do that for him. So.

So Walter came out. He fell onto his face, but then he begins to- Isn't a bullywug like a frog? What? Aren't they like frogs? Yeah, he's a bullywug, so he's frog-like. Yeah, they have faces still. They have faces and they're allowed to be clumsy, piece of shit. Yeah. So he falls onto his face and he pushes himself up and mud's dripping off of his face and he sees these five people coming at him and he goes, I ain't come this far to lose my son now. And he pulls out his sword and he just fucking charges at him with the sword held high. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I think I have a crush on Walter now. Oh my God. Yeah, he looks exactly like the frog from Chrono Trigger. Oh no, my heart. Okay, so he's going to attack.

And he misses horribly. No! I'm getting flashbacks to the son in Gladiator when he's like, Mama, it's the daddy! Lit up in the greatest horse kill of all time. That moment is horrible. It's legitimately funny, right? We used to watch that in slow motion on DVD. It was so funny.

Go watch it again. It's a funny moment. Some of the violence in that movie, I was young enough when I saw that, like when the girl gets cut in half by the like blades on the chair, I was like, do I not like movies? Do I not want to watch movies anymore? Okay, so the guy that he swung at, the one who's on the mastiff, swings back at him and connects. And...

He does 12 damage to Walter, just boom in the face with a mace. Oh my God. And Walter falls down. God damn. Glenn would go next because you're up there pretending your shit is stuck and you wanted Nick to throw, right? Correct. And I'm going to do a little bardic inspiration for Nick, by the way. See everyone yelling at my bardic inspiration? You happy now? Huh?

Can you do that? Like, is there a limit on how often you can do bardic inspiration? This will be the last one prior to a rest that I will be able to do. Okay, so which one would you like to target? The one on the massive, the small pony, the, oh, just whatever's the easiest one. All right, fair enough. I mean, ponies are already small, you know? Yeah. It's like, if it's a small pony, it can't be that cool. How big are these birds? So the birds are human size, basically. They are bipedal. So there's a human size bird on like a teeny tiny pony that, like, okay. Yeah.

It's trying its best. It's really, it's really got to work. It's doing everything it can. Well, it's still like, it's like really strong though. You know, you look at a group of friends and you're like, one of these people gets made fun of by the other friends and that's their bonding thing. You can tell it's that one. This is the bird. If they were playing N64, this bird would have the mad cats. You look at a group of friends and you say that one's a big human sized bird on a tiny pony. Yeah.

Let's try to make that a thing, Dungeons and Dragons fans. So yeah, he's going to throw it at the guy on the tiny horse. And he goes back with his arm and Daryl can see he's in horrible form for like throwing a football or whatever. And he just kind of chucks it and it smashes into the face of Kenku. And acid spreads all over his face. Unfortunately, you've lost that item now because it shatters. A good death. He falls off of his tiny pony, grabbing at his face. He's going, go, go, go, go.

as feathers begin to fly everywhere. Oh man. Feathers take this from an R rating to a PG 13. And then one of the guys that's on via camel is now within range of you, Glenn, who are pretending to be trapped, but you're not. And this is where I go.

Just kidding, motherfucker. And I pull out my gun. Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say something cute like, let's bust this hump. And I'm going to fucking shoot my human firearm at this bird. Okay.

You keep shooting at birds. What are you shooting at? Henry's dad. He just hates birds. He hates birds. All right, give me a roll. All right. I don't remember what Chekhov's gun does other than shoot bullets. Shoot birds. You can use it to hurt people or you can shoot it into the air and the smoke will show you something that is like relevant to the situation. Yeah, you can do important stuff or you can kill birds.

Yeah, we can shoot birds. It has advantage on shooting birds, apparently. Freddie, are you using iron sights? You got a reflex on there? Holo, what's it got? What kind of camo do you have? Glenn is totally one of those guys that you go over to his house and you're like looking for a Popsicle or some ice cream and he's got like three live ducks in the freezer that he's like pumped himself. And he's like, yeah, we're going out next weekend too.

11 plus 6, 17. That is enough. So the Kenku, the last thing it sees is you raising a gun. The last thing you see of it is its utter surprise and confusion of what the fuck you're holding because it's never seen anything like that before. And then bang, it hits him right through the chest and he is launched off the back of his horse and just falls over and stops moving. So that's two of them taken care of. This is horrific. I give a thumbs up to Nick because it's the close boys that made that happen. Ha ha ha!

Nick gives you a thumbs up. There's still some acid spilled from the jar onto his hand. So it's like burning through his thumb. So he's like shaking a little bit, trying to keep it. Yeah. Like fight club. He's trying to keep his smile going and keep cool about it. Not acknowledge it as it drips down his thumb. But he's like, yeah, we did it, dad. We did it. So Daryl, it is your turn. I'm inspired by Nick's great throw. And I try to flash back to my days of, uh, no, it, uh,

I'll just canonically, uh, Daryl tried to play baseball and he wanted to be a pitcher, but he was terrible at pitching. So right before he throws, he remembers the day that he threw all balls and lost. So I'm going to give myself disadvantage on this throw. Okay. Okay.

I'll tell you right away, disadvantage or not, it did not matter because my first roll was a three. And my second was a 10 either way. So three plus what dexterity for throwing? He whiffs completely just through the air, through the window between the bodies of two of the other Kenku. And then Grant sees you completely managed to whiff and he goes, no, like this. And he winds up with his axe. Wait, before he does it, I look at him, I go...

just sweaty hands slipped, slipped right out. There's good aim, but I just slipped. He goes, uh-huh. And he looses the ax and it sails like, like you did a vertical, you know, baseball thing. He just doesn't like, he's doing the hammer toss in the Olympics. Uh,

And it sails through the air, spinning horizontally and just fucking, let me roll damage. Oh my God. It just fucking decapitates the Kenku on the master. Oh my God. Oh my God. And blood shoots out of the stump on this Kenku's body. And you can see Grant is smiling. Oh my gosh. Oh.

Thumbs still up. I'm like, man, Nick, it's weird how we basically did that and that was like fine, but it's like different now. Weird. It is weird. It is weird. It's weird. It's weird, though. I don't know. It's weird. I'm very upset. Daryl definitely notices it. I think he's still pretty embarrassed about missing his. And he's also happy that one of the five creatures are dead. That's trying to kill them. But yes, he notices that Grant seems a little bit too.

How many bounty hunters are still up? So one got thrown off by acid, one got killed by Glenn, and one just got killed by Grant. So there are two left. The one on the... And they went, wee, wee, wee, all the way home. All the way home.

I feel like if we groan every time a kid kills something in this podcast, we're going to be groaning a lot. It feels like we have a lot of combat and we got a lot of kids with us now. I feel like if we celebrate every time that a kid kills something in this podcast, we won't have a podcast anymore. Look, Matt, I don't know how to tell you, but when Nick does it, it's cool. But when Rick does it, it's sad and upsetting. I don't, it's not, it's just different. So yeah, it's Henry starting. Ch-ch-ch-ch.

Henry is going to cast guardian of nature and turn into a big burly tree guy. Whoa. And I'm going to just stand my ground. Have you cast this before? Huh? Yeah. I did this in the fight with the dads. Yeah. Remember Aaron said it was problematic. Oh, yes. Yeah.

So I learned nothing from Aaron calling me out on cultural tree appropriation. And my skin appears barky, leaves sprout from my hair, and I gain the following benefits. I get 10 hit points. I get constitution saving throws with advantage. And I get dexterity and wisdom-based attack rolls with advantage. The ground within 15 feet of me is difficult terrain for my enemies. Cool. Your root system, like, upturns the sidewalk, and the city has to spend $100,000 to fix it. Yes, it's a real problem. If they were on bikes, though...

their approach would be so much cooler. Like they're like, hell yeah. Got some tree roots and bumps to write. You guys didn't do that? No. Instead they are in an elephant and a camel. Yes.

Were you standing in front of the carts or behind the carts, Henry? I'm probably right behind wherever Grant and Daryl were. Okay, then you're behind the carts. Okay, so then yes, both Ron and Dennis. And Peyton. And Peyton, of course. The three favorite characters on the podcast. You have a guy on a camel and a guy on a skinny elephant heading towards you. And they walk into a bar. Nice one, Ron. I'm going to go for the skinny elephant.

and try to sweep the legs. You're going to try to slice at its legs? Yeah. Give me an attack roll. Ooh, natty 20, baby! Ooh, shit! So you're going to roll... Wait, wait, wait. Ashley, you got to give us that Dennis catchphrase every time he gets a natty 20. It wouldn't be the same without that signature Dennis catchphrase. Let's hear it! Whenever Dennis gets a natural 20, he goes, I'm just happy to be here. LAUGHTER

Okay, so as is always the case when Dennis rolls a natural 20 on combat, you're going to roll whatever your damage die is twice, and then you're going to add the damage modifier. And then, as you know, because you're a rogue and you're very good at playing a rogue, you're also going to roll an extra D6 of sneak attack damage. Ooh, my gatos. Okay, I think I'm going to eviscerate this person.

Oh my God. Okay, so I rolled 16 plus 6. I'm bad at math. I rolled that many. 22. Wait, you rolled an 8 and then an 8 and then a 6. Yeah. All right, yeah. So literally, that's Dennis Touch, baby. That's that fucking Dennis energy. I love it. Just happy to be here. You...

You roll out and you fucking slice that elephant's tendon. And even though it's a skinny elephant, all of its mass is suddenly concentrated on that one newly bad leg. And it collapses into the ground and its head hits the ground at the wrong angle and its neck just snaps. And it dies instantly, which also throws the Kenku off of it. I'm going to roll damage for the Kenku as well. Dennis sheds a single tear for the elephant. He wished he didn't have to kill Kenku.

The Kenku's head hits the ground and also snaps like seconds later. So now, Ron, you have the last remaining guy who's on the camel coming at you. So again, exactly like Dennis just did, why don't you go ahead and roll an attack? What Ron is going to do is try to like grab around the camel's leg while like throwing the knife at it. Like throws the knife, then dives for the legs.

If that makes sense. Okay. You want to throw your knife at the camel and then dive at the camel's legs. If possible. Yes. I would love that. All right. So give me a ranged attack with advantage to throw the knife. That is. Oh no. So that's going to be a seven. Well, luckily that, uh,

Uh, no, there's nothing. I'm joking. And then you're going to dive at his legs. So give me an acrobatics check, I guess. Okay. Disadvantage. Is Ron trying to tackle a camel? Is that what I'm hearing here? Yeah. Obviously. It's kind of like diving in front of a train. I think he can do it. Dennis believes in you, buddy. Dennis, I can do this without...

You say that and Terry looks over at Dennis. He's like, he can do it. Camel top speed, 40 miles an hour. 11. 11? Yeah. My humps. My humps. My lovely camel humps. Check it out. Okay, so what happens is you dive. I drive these camels crazy. I do it on the daily. They're asking for my water. I...

Said, oh, don't you bother. Thanks, Dennis. You got it, man.

So you dive forward into the camel's legs and you manage to successfully grab onto one of them. Although grab on is maybe not the right, basically one of the hoofs just hits you directly in the chest. Oh gosh. And your body is in such pain that you just like, and like all your limbs go inward or contort and you continue to hang on to the hoof. So take a D8 of damage. How much health do you have left? I only have 13 left. Oh my God. Then this isn't going to kill you.

It's like seven damage. Oh my God. But the camel is going to be more susceptible to fall over if anything hits it because it is now like imbalanced because it has a run on one of its legs. Nice. All right. So now it is Henry's turn. Henry having transformed into a big ass tree man. This distempered camel is coming at you. Wait, Anthony. Yeah.

Did Peyton get a go? Oh, that's true. Oh, you're right. You're right. Okay. So let me give Peyton a quick roll. It's so nice that we have Dennis here to remind us about Peyton because like, I mean, if you weren't here, we would totally just forget about Peyton. I know. You can't forget about Peyton. For like an entire episode. He's MVP.

Most valuable Payden. Most valuable Payden. Payden completely whiffs the air. Oh. And he goes, nailed it. Like, not ironically, like, he thinks he did it. Dennis claps him on the back and says, good job, buddy. He goes, thank you, Dennis. Your praise means the most to me. Um...

Yeah, Henry, what do you do? Fucking Walter the Immoral ate, like, major shit, right? Yes. Henry is going to cast Healing Word at Walter. Wait, he didn't deal with that after? How about Ron? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm kind of in a big hump here. Oh, that's right. Shit, there's a lot going on. Okay. Why don't you give it to Dennis, huh? He's only got a... He's only just a little bit wounded or something, but yeah, just give it to Dennis. Oh.

Okay, I'm going to cast Healing Spirit, which I don't think I've cast before. So I call forth a nature spirit to soothe the wounded. So basically, this is a little healing buddy now that can appear in a space that is a five-foot cube that I can see within range, and it looks like a transparent beast or fae, parentheses, my choice. I'm going to say it looks like a little piglet, a little teacup pig with wings, and I'm going to be like, I'll heal all of you when pigs fly.

How does the pig heal? Does it give you little kisses with its snout? A little nuzzle. That's what I want. A little nuzzle. Exactly, yes, a little nuzzle. Does it do the babe like, la, la, la? I love this pig. Bah, Ram, you. Bah, Ram, you. You have to milk the pig. Oh, no. And then that pig milk. God, Freddie ruined it. Now I hate D&D.

Yeah, now you hate it. Catch a pig above its tail. Oh. Stop talking about it. You have to become a spider and spin a web that says, some pig, and then you're healed. All right, so Ron, this little magical flying piglet appears, and as the camel takes you through the piglet's sort of like no-fly zone, the piglet rushes up and nuzzles you and gives you a little piglet nuzzle, and you feel 2d6 worth of HP better. Okay, I got eight. It's pretty good. What?

What if the pig just like killed the camel? You know? Wouldn't the camel be freaked out by a ghost pig appearing right and flying right at it? Look, if Anthony is feeling charitable and it's a pretty adorable pig. So I don't know that. If I grab the pig and throw it toward the camel. Ha ha ha ha.

The pig is intangible, unfortunately. It's a nature spirit. It's not an actual flying pig. So it should only be able to hurt other nature, like a camel. The camel's probably like, oh, it's a healing spirit spell. I see this shit all the time. I live in Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, even if it wasn't intangible and you grabbed the healing pig and threw it at the camel, it would just kiss the camel and heal the camel.

Oh, that's cute. So no, that doesn't happen. Some guys have all the luck. I like that. And would that be so bad? So everybody does their fucking turn, right? And then the one goddamn remaining Kenku on the camel is going to try to turn around. So he's going to roll to see if he can make his camel turn around on a dime to re-attack all of you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Anthony, this is very important. So it's a bird named a Kenku. Would you say that that's a Kenku chicken? Holy shit. All right, you get your inspiration. That's for you.

That's for you. That's one for all you LA folks out there. Yeah, Will has a real kanku for puns. Oh, fuck, Will. Like a sex kink, but like kanku. This is not my episode, guys. This is not my episode.

Okay, so Kenku Chicken tries to turn the camel really quickly, but because of its disadvantage, because of the run attached to its wheels, you basically act like a banana from Mario Kart and you cause the camel to essentially spin out and it sort of runs into the wall and is basically just- Drops three gold coins. Yeah, drops a bunch of gold coins. The Kenku falls off of it

And he is right in front of you, Ron. Let's see. I just want to hit him. I just want to hit him with all the rage that I wish that I could hit the memory of Dennis and whether or not he exists or not. Yeah. Weird thing to say, but sure. Under my breath, I'm just going to be like, wasn't even here last time I checked. And now he's better at everything. Rogue. I bet he just wants to be a new stepfather now. And he's going to have Terry Jr. pretty soon and fast.

hey buddy are you okay you're kind of just looking at that guy and mumbling to yourself oh yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna hit him give me a roll does the kangaroo hear that like does he hear ron say i'm gonna hit him yeah the king is like wait no don't stop yeah that's gonna be a 13 okay it's not great rolls for me today it's not great but that's enough he has he fell off he has a pretty low ac right now thanks for saying that you

You hit him. And I feel like since he just fell off and he's a little bit dazed, if you want to, you can do the thing you were, it seems like you were pointing toward of just like straddling him and just angrily talking about your feelings while you just beat the tar out of him. I think, yeah, I'm like straddling him and talking about my feelings, but I'm staring at Dennis while beating the shit out of him. Oh my God. That's such threatening energy. I like it very much. You knock the Kenku out and you are now officially out of combat.

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So to reiterate, with the exception of the elephant that snapped his neck, all the steeds are still there and they're just kind of like...

Like they're just like looking around riderless. Hey, guys, new steeds. So, yeah, if you want to try an animal handling check to just get a steed for yourself, that's something you can do. Yes. Yes. Yes. I feel like I would check on the. OK, so this is the hard part, because Matt, the gamer, wants the Mastiff so badly for Daryl. But Daryl would definitely not be like, hey, time to get a dog. You'd be like, he's running over to Ron right now.

and checking to see if this bird creature is alive and talking. Are the animals also bounty hunters? Are they spies too? I don't think so, Ron. I think there's just animals. I don't think you blame the horse for what the rider does. That would be pretty cruel. That's kind of weird though if you think about it because the ones that win the Kentucky Derby, they name the horses and not the riders.

I'm pretty sure the riders of the horses have names, Glenn. Yeah, also the horse doesn't get the money, Glenn. It's not like they give the horse the money. A lot to think about, guys. A lot to think about. That's the funniest thing Glenn has ever said.

have a point. I'm just going to have a look-see. I'm going to do a perception check on these animals. To do what? To see if they're sketchy. Yeah, roll insight to see if animals are sketchy. Can I try to do like a stealth insight check on Dennis? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. I do a 17 on insight. They're just animals. They have no nefarious purposes. I think it's okay, buddy. I don't think they're spies. Hold on, I'm waiting for my roll about you to come in and say that.

I got a 21. So as has been your suspicion this entire time.

Dennis is the coolest guy. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. God damn it. I knew it. Has this been your suspicion the entire time? Dennis, as far as you can tell, was not actually a part of this party. You just sort of turned after Walter the Immortal showed up and he was just in the group with you guys and everyone was suddenly acting like he had been there the entire time. Something is wrong about him. As Ron is realizing this, Dennis is petting the Mastiff and he looks great. He's a good guy.

He is, you know, he's just both. It looks like a catalog for yoga, if that exists. Dad huddle. All right. Hey, Dennis, get on in here. Dennis trots up. Yeah, Dennis trots up. It's going on. Walter says, like, can we do this dad huddle at speed? Could you, like, get on? Can we go? It's just a dad huddle for... Oh, Walter, do you want to be involved here?

No, I don't want to be a vise. I just want us to go. Yes, okay. Dennis, you and Walter have a dad huddle over there. Oh no, we're here. We're here already. We're here for the dad huddle. And then I try to grab Henry, Daryl, and Glenn and just sort of like ship them over.

Okay, yeah, we can do it over here. Dennis, we're all having the dad hovel over here, I guess. I say, hey, kids, can you tie up that chicken over there and just make sure he doesn't wake up and attack us? They were doing it before you asked them to. And then Walter's going to go around and he's going to do animal handling checks to try to calm the fucking... The flying pig. Yeah.

So is, is Dennis part of the dad huddle or not? I'm waving Dennis over. Yeah. Good call. Ron dad huddle. Uh, yeah. Okay. Thank you all for being here. Um, sure. Some more than others. So, okay. What's that about Ron? Oh,

I'll tell you what that's about because we are being stalked by our fathers. You know what? I think I know what's going on here. I think you know what's going on too. I think there's been a lot of tension between us. There has been. I said some unkind things about your pants a few ventures ago. I know we all talked about this. No, you didn't. You didn't actually, Dan Huddle. You guys remember? Because you never said anything about me because you weren't even here. But Ron... Ron, look, I know you're upset and I know we haven't really cleared the air about it. I just...

You talked about it a lot. I thought it was kind of disquieting. I talked to the other dads about it. No, you were disquieting. You were so quiet. You weren't even like a voice. Your voice was not here. Your entire body was not here. Could you maybe try to talk to him for me? I know I haven't been the best with him in the past. Yeah, he hasn't been the best with me in the past. He hasn't been the best with any of you. Guys, wake up.

Dennis is not real. He just got here. Now, Ron, we've all had beef with the other dads at various points. You know, I kind of lost my cool with Daryl once or twice and with Glenn. And, you know, a lot of times after that happened, I wanted to pretend like it hadn't happened either. You know, I remember like I didn't want to talk to Glenn, but it's like, you know, it's important to look the other dads deep in the eyes and hear them when they're communicating.

with you so you also remember look at what we just did the five of us we just defeated these creatures like we all did something super cool like you know it would be even more impressive if there were four of us i mean yeah i guess you know that'd be less of us did the same thing would be more impressive but like my point is as a team we did a good job okay dennis if you've been here the whole time then let me see your phone my phone uh yeah sure and i hand it over

We haven't checked in with Miranda in a while. I'm sure she's worried about you and Ulysses. Should we call Miranda? No, no. Yeah, I'll call Miranda. If that's even her name. Of course it's Miranda. She's in the PTA with Dennis. Dennis, roll Arcana. Oh, boy. Okay. Okay.

I got a natural 20, but my arcana is minus one. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Okay, yeah, it's a phone he hands you. He hands you a phone that is a phone. Oh my God. If you scroll through it, one of the contacts is definitely Miranda. Go ahead and call her. What are the other contacts? They are Justin, Chadwick, Keanu Reeves,

B Sanders. Yeah. Every cool person. I would like to call Beth May. Okay. Call Beth May.

Oh, my God. I dial it up. He's a cool person. Yeah. How dare you? How dare you? Yeah, he should have said coolest person. Okay, okay. So you hear this. This is so many levels down. Okay, so you hear the phone click. Somebody picks it up, and you hear a voice go, Hello? It's me, Beth.

You don't sound like yourself. You sound awful. No, this is what I always sound like. How are you?

Ronald! Okay, Beth, have you ever encountered a situation where you knew that somebody was not supposed to be with you, but they were with you anyway? Like, think about all of your ex-boyfriends, and you think, like, you walk into a situation, and you think, this person should not be here. It doesn't fit with the group, but they're there anyway. What did you do to get them away? Uh, I watched a firefly!

I am so out! Fred, you... You watch other things. I'm sure you do. You've been watching Alias for non-stop. Right, right. Alias, I also love. That's Jennifer Garner. V-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-

Okay. Let's see. What is going on? Beth, so how do you know Dennis, Beth? We went to call Heather.

Hey, Ron, are you good? Yeah, can we do this? You got what you want from Beth? We got a lot to do. We still haven't found the seven crystals that'll lead us to Ulysses. We still have all the other stuff with the dads to do. Let's wrap this up. Yeah, thanks, Henry. So I want to check and see if Dennis is an arm of the granddaddies, like the evil dad magic. And so I want to see if I can use my thaumaturgy to make like...

Willie's voice come out of the phone and see if Dennis like responses if you worked for him or something. Absolutely. So what you'll do is you use your thaumaturgy and then you can get insight with advantage on it. Okay. What do you want Willie to be saying coming out of the phone? Yeah, I'm thinking Willie's voice says, Dennis, the jig is up. Okay. So now roll insight with advantage. Yay. Okay. I got 20 total.

Okay, great. So with the 20, you can see that Dennis does not react at all. Dennis doesn't even seem to really recognize the voice. So this conversation is suddenly broken up as Walter comes in holding the reins of four different animals, a mini pony, a camel, a massif, and a horse.

It's just like, guys, we got to go. Whatever you got to talk about, we could talk about on the road. We got to get going, though, okay? Walter's right, man. We got to find my son, Ron, okay? Can you just think of Ulysses? Whatever is between us, can you just put it aside and think of Ulysses? We have to go get him. Yeah. Yeah, let me just say goodbye to Beth. Hey, Beth. I don't know. Are you feeling okay? Maybe just like, you know, just stay cool.

You're so cool. Have a good time. I'm feeling great. I'm feeling confident. Good all the time. On the podcast. And yeah, bye. Call your mom. I'll give her a rickety.

Can I have that back? And Dennis holds out his hand for his phone. Yeah, sure. It was good talking to them. Dennis, who are you? I know, buddy. Please tell me. Please tell me that you weren't here before. Hey, Ron, buddy, we gotta go. We gotta go, Ron. We'll talk about it on the road. So I sort of guide Ron towards the mounts and I sort of motion to the boys to like, we gotta get out of here. Okay, so I hand Dennis the phone, but I also hang on to the phone and so we're now holding hands, essentially. Ha ha!

Yeah, you two, this is good. Physical interaction can establish trust. Why don't you two ride on the camel together? That's a great idea, Henry. Ron, would you like to ride on the camel with me? Yeah. I'll take the front hump and you take the back hump.

I like to hug from behind, you know, as established. So like Terry Jr. is like in the middle, like at the bottom of the divot. So he's just looking directly at his stepdad's ass. No, no. Terry Jr.'s height plus Ron's height is actually makes their heads are equal. So who chooses what now? I want to say, I think remember if you remember way back in the first episode, I think we mentioned to the Lance that Grant lost our dog.

The Mastiff looks like a huge version of the dog that Grant lost. Oh, shit. Does Grant even register that? Yes, I think Grant would probably register that. Daryl just grabs Grant. He's like, this guy looks just like Chief. And he leaps onto the Mastiff. Okay. And helps Grant up. Yeah, Grant leaps on with you. Hey, so what are the other two? There's a tiny pony and a normal horse. Me and Nick, I guess, are going to take the miniature pony. Perfect. Your heels are dragging along the ground.

Henry's secret dad fact is that he fucking hates horses. He does not trust them. He does not like them. And he didn't realize that Daryl was just going to take the big, shaggy, friendly looking dog. And he's like, huh? All right. I guess me and the boys will take the horse.

We can do that. Boys, just be very careful around it, okay? Don't spook it. Just go at it from the front. Just be very calm around this animal. The horse has a dumb smile on its face, and Lark and Sparrow go, hep, hep, hep, and they wall jump off of each other onto the horse. And then as you approach it, Henry, the horse looks you dead in the eye and goes, what's the problem? You scared? Don't be scared. Mm-hmm.

Henry's thrown by the horse talking to him and he goes, I, I, I'm fine. I'm fine. Hello horse. My name is Henry Oak. I did not realize horses could talk here. I've had bad experiences with horses in the past and I'm not going to let that cloud my judgment about you. Cause you know, I don't want to be prejudiced against all horses. Uh, so I'm going to go ahead and cover that. Sure. Uh,

And I'm going to go ahead and get on top of you now, if that's okay with you. Please do. Hey, buddy, can you talk? I ruffle the dog's ears. I'm like, can you talk, boy? And the dog looks, he goes...

Yeah, you can talk. Yeah, you can talk. That represents more. Good boy. Ron leans over. So I'd love to find out if this camel talks, but more importantly, let's you and I talk, Dennis. How about a friendly game of never have I ever? Actually, you know, it would be really nice to talk to the whole group once we get going. I think maybe what you're sensing from there's some tension. I

I have something I want to get off my chest, but I really want to talk to all the dads about it. Oh, okay. Hey, Peyton, it looks like that camel's full up. Maybe you want to hop on here with Grant and I. Yeah, all right. All right, why not? And then he jumps on the tail and just holds on to the tail and he's just dangling from it as the mastiff starts to swim. He's like water skiing. He's like water skiing. Yeah, pretty much.

Adorable. So a couple hours later, you guys are on the road. Walter basically says, okay, so my thought is this. I think you're being tracked probably by those bad guys you're trying to fight, but they're looking for you as a group with your kids, and you guys kind of stand out wherever you tend to go. So I was thinking I could take your kids separately while you go and do other stuff.

and then they would be safe with me and I could drive around with them and then keep them out of the bad guy's sight. Is that cool with you? Does that make sense? No, no, it seems pretty dangerous and I think it's probably going to be safer for all the kids to be with you, Walter. But didn't Aaron say something about our anchors being tied to us?

Like us, like the whole family. Erin O'Neill's leaf vibrates and she goes, yeah. Erin, hey, I got a question. I got a magic question for you. Yeah. Does our kidney be with us when we go to the anchor or can we keep them all like in safety? So the way that it works is because the anchor is specifically tuned to the dad energy between you and your son, it's basically negative dad energy that's powering this anchor, right? It's the relationship that you have with your omega daddy. It needs an influx of

positive dad energy from you and your son to basically destroy it. So the two of you need to work together to destroy the anchor and you can't do it on your own. Well, we got plenty of that. Don't be Grant. And I put my fist out for a grant. Grant, uh, is, uh, he just like puts his hand on your fist and like covers the whole thing and it's still bloody. Yeah.

oh hey yeah i don't know the kids handshakes but cool cool buddy like try to shake his hand still we haven't even found ulysses yet so maybe it's worth letting walter have the kids while we go do that because that might be kind of dangerous when dennis says that you hear aaron go is dennis still with you aaron you know about dennis yes aaron i'm here i hate i don't understand why you hate me so much i have

happen to respect you very much hey Aaron Aaron it's me Ron I hate Dennis too I uh well I don't hate him he's really nice I don't know how to put this but uh you don't really see Dennis that often before he hasn't been around here before I'm not trying to pick him up at a bar it's just he just doesn't exist Aaron immediately starts whispering Ron I'm trying to play hard to get with Dennis I fucking love Dennis you're in love with Dennis?

Terry, Terry Jr. He's so hot and nice and a firefighter. No, I know, I know. You ruined it, you ruined it. And the leaf hangs up. Terry Jr. Yeah, what's up? Can we hop off this camel just a second and talk maybe, you and I? I need you to trust me on something. That guy, Dennis, that really hot guy, that firefighter yoga bod guy, he just showed up.

I swear this isn't sort of like a mustache thing, although I should probably introduce you to my fake talking mustache. Oh, sure. Did you hear that? Terry goes, ah, yep. Mr. Mustache loves you, Terry. Mr. Mustache, say hi to Terry. Hello, Terry.

Okay, okay, so maybe we could all convince all the other dads that Dennis hasn't been here, or maybe does Dennis even believe that he's been here? So Terry looks at you, and you can see on his face he's really trying to peace out

what your play is because you've come to sort of notice and realize whenever somebody talks to you, there is a brief period where they're trying to sort of like calibrate to what wavelength you're on and make the internal decision as to whether or not they're going to listen and or try to like piece together what you're trying to do. And this is the first time you've seen somebody do that and realize that

that everything that you're saying is true and genuine and not a weird thing and not a joke, not you trying to be self-deprecating and trying to understand something about yourself. Like he actually understands you and his eyes sort of clear and he goes like, oh, and he suddenly gets scared because he's sitting directly in front of this person. It goes, yeah, yeah, whatever you need. Sure. Yeah. You okay? Yeah, we could do this together. Uh,

Hi, guys. Maybe we could do a wide animal dad huddle, but doodlers, I want to bring something to your attention. Okay, Ron, what's up? Dennis, the yoga dad bod, has only been here for like an hour. Okay, this is sort of what I'm talking about, and I've been scared to bring this up to you guys. Something's been off since we met the Omega Dads.

Yeah, you know, I've kind of felt like something's weird too. Like there's just this gnawing feeling in the back of my head. I feel the same and I think it really has to do with, it just doesn't sit right with me what happened to Scam Likely. There's just something about that that just, it's just sticking with me and I... What about? We led him to his death.

I mean, Dennis, you know, I'm not one to disagree with you because you're pretty freaking awesome. Hold on one second, Dennis. I mean, I guess. You know what? You're right. We're in a dangerous situation. But he knew what he was doing. He died doing what he loved. What do you mean he knew what he was getting into? I got to side with the guys here. I feel like, you know, he offered us a free scam and we took him up on it. And we're not the ones who killed him. Our dads killed him. And we're going to try to go right there wrong. So, you know, what are you getting at? You don't feel any remorse? I don't understand.

We're the reason he's dead. No, I mean, look, I feel, yes, I feel horrible that Scam likely died. That was a horrible, there's been a lot of tough things that's happened on this journey. And I, you know, we had our differences with him. You know, he tried to screw us over many times. Well, he's just a goof. That's just the type of person he was. You know, he was out for a goof and he was trying to help us and we got him killed. What is your real name?

I mean, he like impersonated me once and that's like not cool. You know, I mean, you don't like someone else's style. I mean, look, there are times that I felt, I mean, we dropped a whole pyramid on a group of people. I felt really bad about that. I still do. I don't want to think about it. I'm compartmentalizing it. But I got to say, with regards to Scam Likely, I know I don't feel, like I'm sad. He died trying to help us, but he also dicked us over like a lot. He gave me his mustache. Would he do that if he didn't love us?

Dennis, I guess, I mean, I totally hear you, dude. Like, totally good to express your feelings. Like, clearly we feel bad about it. Do you clearly feel bad about it? What do you want to do with this, though? You don't seem to care at all. You don't seem to care at all.

So as you hear that Who Framed Roger Rabbit-esque horrible noise come out of Dennis, the visage of Dennis morphs into that of a borderline non-Euclidean creature that looks like the love child of the library and Benedict Cabbage Patch. It's basically got legs and arms that change number every time you try to count them.

It's made entirely of the same color of like pink flesh all over it. But it also has a very pronounced mustache and an incredible coif of hair that looks like it on its own could seduce anyone in the world. Yoga bod, hot cordat, is this your king of kings now, ladies? You're going to go to yoga all early to get with this guy, huh? Yes, Ron, very clever. He's been with us the whole time because he's so hot and so cool. Very clever. It is me.

Mark, where's Dennis, you bastard?

So as you say that, Dennis looks at you with some confusion and slowly the memories of Dennis begin to resolve themselves into what they truly are, which were implanted memories. You can feel them like somebody incepted you with the memories of what Dennis had been doing with you all of this time, that the origin of all those incepted memories, you know that they came from Mark Lakely. I wish that I, instead of freaking out, I had just been like, oh, hi, Mark. Yeah.

And he's going to bamf away, but before he does, he's going to say, Aaron O'Neal can get...

All of its arms and legs begin to crawl into its own chest. And it like starts like compressing inward. Like there's a black hole inside of his chest and he's sucking himself into himself. And then he basically disappears entirely. And he's gone. Like that. Like that. He's gone. And so now you have to decide, regardless of what role-playing stuff happens, you have to decide which of the dad's anchors you're going after first.

So Henry just drops to the ground in astonishment at the crazy Eldritch nonsense he just saw. And he goes, what? Oh my God. This whole time, Dennis wasn't real. If Dennis wasn't real, what is real? And Ron, you knew none of us saw it, but you did. You saw through it, Ron, and we ignored you. And for that, I am truly sorry. And I kneel at Ron's feet and I bow my head in humility. Uh,

Terry goes, just like at the end of Lord of the Rings. Just like at the end of Lord of the Rings. Which ending? The one where Aragorn bows and says he's sorry. Yeah, well, I stopped watching like three hours in that movie after there's already four endings and then everybody just keeps ending. Terry's like, I got you where we're going for. I got you. That's a super fresh film take, Ron. Thanks, I haven't heard that one before. Shit, Ron, sorry. Dang.

You were trying to warn us, Ron. You were right. Kids, and I turned to the assembled kids, and I was like, this is an important lesson for all of you, which is that reality is more complicated than it seems sometimes, and you gotta always check, you know, about stuff. That's what I'd say about that. Mark and Sparrow both raise their hands, and they go...

Are you sure the rule isn't that you're supposed to believe your friends when they ask for help and they look desperate? Because you didn't do that. None of you believed Ron. You were all very bad friends. You know, both of them say that simultaneously. But Dennis was our friend. I'm just saying, like, it's not that morally simple. Like, Dennis was our friend. Like, that would be a weird message. Like, don't trust one friend when he says to distrust and hate another friend. Clearly, Daryl has never been a girl in middle school. LAUGHTER

Like, watch this. Watch this. Hey, Glenn. Henry's not real. Glenn immediately draws his gun and pins Henry to the ground. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Glenn, Glenn, Glenn. Relax. It's me. It's me. Glenn, you're an asshole. You're uptight. I don't like you. Remember, it's me, Henry. Glenn, I was just trying to make a point. Please don't shoot Henry. Glenn slowly puts his gun away and goes, hmm.

I got my eye on you, tree man. I think it's important in a world of magic that we don't constantly distrust everything. That will go down a scary territory if we distrust everything that we see. I hope that was a one-time thing that happened. I think the lesson is trust but verify.

So I think we should have listened to Ron more than we did. That's what we were saying. And then we could have independently verify that Dennis was real. And maybe, you know, we could have taken a little bit of time to do that. Okay. So like whenever I hear a threat, I'm just going to be like pics or it didn't happen, bitch. No, no, no,

Okay, so Walter goes, so where are we going next? So I think the first thing, I mean, we need to drop the kids off at the pool, so to speak. Well, I'll take them in my motorcycle and then we'll split off right here. But you basically got to decide where you're going. Oh, did we fix the motorcycle? Yeah. Daryl. I'm very good with machines. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It just stopped. All you did was put a vine in it and then it came to a stop and he pulled the vine out. For whatever reason, this whole thing has not shaken Daryl that much ever since the snake walked away and everything like this, things just bounce off him in this world at this point. I think as everybody's yelling about Dennis, he's definitely looking at Grant, uh,

who I'm assuming has a similar look on his face that he's had this whole time. And he goes, Hey guys, you know, I'd really appreciate it. I think if we could go do my thing first, I, you know, I would, I mean, I know we all want to spend time with our kids, but like, I would like to, if we could go with, uh, to balls deep, uh,

Right, Glenn? Yeah. Daryl, I think you're right. We should go balls deep. Your dad's the one part of this thing we don't really understand. Because it seems like you had a pretty healthy relationship with him, so maybe we can recruit an ally in this fight by doing that. In the spirit of skepticism, which we learned by also trusting people, Daryl's dad is the only dad I haven't seen with my own eyes. So to Daryl, I say, real dad or it didn't happen, bitch.

Okay, yeah. It'd be amazing if we could find my dad. So Peyton says, I feel like I should go with Daryl and the guys. And Walter's like, you guys trying to get away from me again? Peyton's like, no, no, no. Honestly, for some reason, I get stuck in this world too because we tried to leave this world. And Walter's like, what? He's like, I'll explain it later. But...

I got stuck here too on the anchors and I think mine is the same as, as Daryl's. So I feel like I need to be there too. Could you just trust me, Walter daddy? I promise it'll be okay. We don't know each other well enough for you to call me daddy. I want to get there, but it feels like you're forcing it. It's like, I'm so sorry. And don't ever call anybody daddy. Don't call anybody their name. And then daddy, don't be like Walter daddy.

That's a perfectly innocent thing to do. I don't know why you guys are making it weird. Hey, guys, Peyton's eight. You know, it's okay for eight-year-olds to call their dad daddy. That's all right. Okay, that's fair. Is it okay if I go with them, dad? And Walter goes...

I assume so. But afterward, you're coming back with me. Okay. Okay. The thing is that since we don't know what anchor he's a part of, like probably he has to go to everyone until we find the one that he's a part of. Oh yeah, I guess so. Good point. It's like, it was a good point. I guess I got to stick with them because somehow this has something to do with me. I don't, I don't know what the deal is. Walter's like, so Walter takes your kids that aren't. Can we say goodbye to our kids? No,

I'm saying he puts them in the fucking motorcycle. And then I was going to say, is there anything you'd like to say to them before they leave? Okay, sorry. Go ahead. I didn't mean to step on your thing. That's fine. That was me just doing it right there. What do you want to say to your kids? I go up to Lark and Sparrow and I put a hand on each of their shoulders and I say, boys...

I know we just remet again, but it's going to be, it's going to be a little bit because I got to help Daryl here, find his dad, you know, and I want you to both know that I love you very much. And you're both going to need to be brave and take care of each other and look after each other. Mom's back home and she's really counting on all of us to pull through together and make it back home. And we'll be home playing Oaks and Ogres before you know it. But until then you boys be strong and you listen to Walter because he's a good guy and he's,

If you get in trouble, you stick with each other no matter what, okay? So Sparrow says, absolutely, father. Brother and I will stay together, come what may, and I will teach him, gosh willing, to be a sweeter, kinder, more empathetic person. And Larchus looks at you and says, father,

Come back with your shield or on it. And Henry tearfully gives them a salute and says, everything's going to be OAK, boys. And he salutes them and turns away. Cherry. Well, I was kind of aggravated recently because I thought, oh, Dennis is so cool with all of his stuff.

stuff and his body and his talent and but you know what dennis he doesn't have a kid like you so i guess that i am way the frick better than fucking dennis that guy's an asshole he doesn't even exist and uh so yeah terry just pulls you into a hug and he says

Dennis isn't half the dad that you are. Oh, he's twice the dad. He's twice the dad. Nice. Nice son. He doesn't do that. He doesn't do that. But yeah, he gives you a hug and he says, be careful. I nod in a stoic, but cool way. Roll for cool. I know I'm going to have to roll. I have to roll for it. Dexterity. Okay. Gosh, I roll a seven.

You like extend your neck all the way out and then just sort of slowly bow and like bend over and like you try to nod with your whole upper half and it just looks really fucking weird. Terry's like, yeah, no, I get what you're going for. Glenn is going to say goodbye to Nick by going up, cocking his arm up like for a predator high five and then going,

via con dios and nick cocks his arm the same way and bam and grabs your hand and completes the predator high five and also quotes point break just says young dumb and full of cum yeah yeah he grabs his father's hand and says young dumb and full of cum and glenn goes all right he grabs your hand he grabs your hand and he goes utah utah

Give me two. The kids minus Grant and Peyton drive away with Walter. He says like, how do we get in contact with you? So you see Walter pull a leaf off of a tree and he goes, talk to Aaron. She'll talk to me. That's how you're making Aaron kind of like a switchboard operator for our to us to communicate. It's kind of fucking weird. Why are you screaming? He hasn't driven away yet.

Aaron pops up on the leaves and she's like, well, I'm the one who often gives you most of the information you need anyway. So around the time you need to talk to him, you need to talk to me anyway. Wait, Walter, before we go, which way to Balls Deep? Walter points to the west and he goes... He points to his crotch. Yeah. Walter points to his crotch and he goes... And then he points to the west and he says, Balls Deep?

He's got a way. And like in a movie where they cross dissolve and you guys are on your horses and camels and mastiffs already traveling to Balls Deep. And it's an uneventful ride across the wastelands known as the Taint. No. It's just one weird ridge. You hear the sounds of cheering and the sounds of people.

And as you turn a corner, you see a big building, like a large, almost like a coliseum. And on the outside of it says Balls Deep Stadium. And you hear shouting and chanting from the inside. And you see on the outside, there are people like barbecuing meat and like sitting around with big jugs of ale and stuff like that.

And there is what you initially think is a screen, but as you look at it a little bit more, you see it's actually just a bunch of gnomes holding little magical torches that they can change the colors of at will. But it basically ends up being sort of like a screen. And you see the image of a round egg-shaped object sailing and spinning around through the air. And then a fist comes up and grabs it and then brings it down.

And as the fist comes and brings it down, the camera follows it. And it comes down and you see an eyepatched figure. And you hear Grant gasp because it is the figure of Yeet Biggly. And he says, are you ready for some football? Nice. Hell yeah. It'll be alright. It'll be alright. Cause that's just life. Even if you die, it'll be alright.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch as our DM. Will Campos as Henry Oak. Beth May as Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song and outro is All Right by Maxton Waller. Audiobook intro narration by Will Jenkins. Special guest this week, Ashley Burch as Dennis Anderson. Ashley, what have you been up to? There's a Mythic Quest Raven's Banquet quarantine episode coming up on Friday.

Yay! Which is already out. It's out. Already out. Oh my God, it's out. Go watch it. Ashley's on a show called Mythic Quest, available on Apple TV+. You can follow her on Twitter at Ashley underscore Birch. This

This wild episode happened in no small part thanks to the support of our Patreon supporters. I use the word support twice. I don't care. Folks like Elise Tabor, Sam Middleton, Wolfie Walks, Anika Hardy, Michelle Cavanago, the original Nick Show, none of the knockoffs, Warren Bones, Daily Soul Poet 77, and Phantom Moth Stew.

Patreon folks, we got a backlog of special bonus content coming your way. We're laying tracks down for the Henry Oak Rap Album, The Rocks Rock EP this week, and we're going to make Anthony go on an adventure of our creation in an upcoming Walter and Peyton side quest episode. Patreon supporters at all levels will get access to these stretch goals for free, so if you want to be there when these crimes against digital media drop, head on over to patreon.com slash dungeons and dads and browse the fine supporter wares we have on offer.

website with some new merch dungeonsanddaddies.com twitter.com slash dungeonsanddads for them hot tweets bit.ly slash dungeon dads for that hot facebook page and r slash dungeons and daddies for our subreddit next episode coming at you june 9th we'll see you then there was a time to keep it running to know they never brought you

Well, I should say that your Bill Clay impression from like two episodes ago was actually really good. Okay, I'm done now. Thank you. All right. So you're one of them, aren't you? Bill class. God. Pretty tricky with that accent. Specific niche fucking reference. Ha ha.

Oh, God. Oh, no. You're one of them. You know, those little things with the guns with the red paint. OK.

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