Ep. 59 - Retail Therapy
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This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid.

So first, call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee with your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 in order. Additional terms apply. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description. DJ, DJ, DJ, DJ, please go safe.

Jody, Jody, Jody, Jody. Your lies are healthy. Your power is beyond compare. Halo's brawn and fiery hands. Dealing with you'll make them bleed. You're right through these affluence. Identify to compete with you, Jody. Nick sees you as his real dad. There's nothing I can do about that. It's you to face the truth, Jody.

Losing him will break my heart, especially with his death and arc But you don't know what he means to me Jody, Jody, Jody, Jody Will you please go save my Jody, Jody, Jody, Jody To be a healthy man

Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, live from Freddy's living room. Finally, all the gang back together. This is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast, not a BDSM podcast. We're back together live, and we finally got rid of Jimmy. Where we play four dads flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest to rescue their lost sons. My name is Freddy Wong, also known as Freddy.

DJ Glenn Close. The Closer. The Closer. The Closer. That was his name? That's the opposite of what DJ wants to do. They don't want to close the party. Are you kidding? Yeah, you do. You want to be the Closer. How is his DJ name not Danger Close? That's good. I'll take that. I'll take that. It's like,

all right everybody you're ready for the dance party let's get started and phrase like all right everybody let's close this party out he closes the party on the first song not the first song anyway i play glenn close the rock and roll bard slash dj dad of the group you don't like that no it's just it's just it's a lot of change it's a lot of change for me but keep going i support people being true to themselves but honestly i wish he kept that secret to himself like i don't even know i want to say this does not apply to all real life djs who are great and keep the fuck

Oh, yeah. Name one real-life DJ. Go ahead. The guy at my wedding whose name I can't remember and Tiesto is a DJ. Uh-huh. That's the best thing to do, huh? And there's Skrillex and Deadmau5 and...

Skrillex. And I respect them. They keep the jams jumping. They keep the party going. So DJs are great. This week's dad fact for Glenn. Glenn, as we found out last episode, spends most of the year as a party and events DJ. A little Glenn fact, some hard fought DJ rules that he's learned. Sometimes the hard way, sometimes just common sense. So when you're doing a wedding,

Glenn learned, don't play Gold Digger by Kanye West at a wedding. Oh, no. That's not a good needle drop. They have a clean version of that for parties. Yeah, that's not the problem with the song. You can't clean up the theme of the song. The theme of the song. No, that's bullshit. That's all bops. I'm not saying she's a gold digger. I'm saying she loves him very much, and that's why she's with him. Yes, that's the lyrics. I think that, like,

thematically any song goes at a wedding. Your job is to get people who don't dance out on a dance floor. Half the songs people dance to are about horrible things. I want to throw out there that not every song goes. In fact, the first thing any self-respecting DJ does at a wedding is ask the bride and the groom, hey, what's the no playlist? What are the songs you can't play? I want to point out that I'm the best person to dance at a wedding that has ever happened. I've heard this claim before, Beth. Yeah. Haven't seen it. Well, invite me to your wedding next time.

Yeah, I mean, we've been together for about six years, so you're due for a new one in about a year and a half. Clear your calendar. Scratch that seven year itch, baby. She doesn't listen to the show. That's why it's not anymore. That's why we're we're quits. She's like she'll listen to the half she owns when she gets it. That's great.

Hey, everybody. My name is Matt Arnold. I play Daryl Wilson, a stay-at-home coach dad who became a barbarian upon entering this magical world of whimsy and danger and horrible violence. So quick dad fact about Daryl Wilson. It's also about Grant. Daryl and Grant are six-time consecutive winners of...

the sandemus pinewood derby oh it was very into the pinewood derby now you can see that yeah now to be clear the last three years grant was not there um he got out of it started playing fortnight but daryl kept submitting the cards like oh sorry he couldn't come tonight he's sick

but he just loved doing it so much and it still says the cars still say grant on it and he just still goes what's the oh the pinewood derby is a boy scout or i guess cub scout thing where you make little wooden cars and you race them so it's all about like oh it's like in the beginning of cool runnings the push car yes yeah but they're teeny tiny like no one's in them like they're like the size of a shoe basically yeah there's like it's like hot wheels it's hot wheels that you learn wood carving on

So yeah, that's it. So he's still going. We'll see how long, how many years this is. Somebody calls out like, Hey, we haven't seen Grant here for a while. Grant is definitely old enough to not be in Cub Scouts anymore. No, the 12. I think Boy Scouts gets seventh and eighth grade. Oh, okay. Good try. Yeah.

I almost had him the next time, Lupin. I'll catch you yet. Hey, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play the granola munching, crunchy, munchy, hippie nature druid dad, Henry Oak. I did it backwards that time for some reason. Wow. All right. My Henry fact this time, I'm going to open up the book of Oak family secrets. Secrets, secrets, secrets, secrets.

way back in the day after she first came to the Forgotten Realms. Hildebrus saved... What am I saying? No, don't worry. Keep going. It's all good. What'd you do? Nothing. Was it funny? Can you share it with the rest of the class? You said when she first came and there was a long pause, not that long, but long enough that all of us got to look at each other to finish that sentence. Continue. I'm so glad we're back in person, everybody. We can look

at each other now. Yeah. Ooh, you thought it too. He said the word cave. Sometimes that means something else.

Instead of nice, whenever someone does the came thing, I'm just going to say, good for them. Good for them. When Hildy Russet first came, good for them, to the Forgotten Realms, she saved the life of a minor forest deity and was granted a boon. One wish that could be granted to anyone in the Oak lineage. And this is a one-time only. If you say the secret name of this forest spirit. So she never used it because this was such an awesome power. She never had a chance in her life. She passed it down to her firstborn child, Bear.

passed it down to his firstborn child, Hen, who promptly forgot it when he came to our world. Did you check with Anthony that this was okay? Nope, first time hearing of it. For years and years and years, this powerful name lay secret in the back of Henry's mind until one moment, a moment of such soul-shattering despair and horror that it brought him to the very edge and brink of his sanity. The name leapt forth from within his subconscious and sprung from Henry's lips.

And the boon was unleashed and his wish was granted. And that's how Larkin Sparrow finished body training.

Damn. Potty training. I heard potty training. Potty training. I also did. How Larkin Sparrow finished potty training, it was very bad at the Oak household. And they had a lot of shag carpet. Like there was a lot of carnage going on. And if Henry knew about this power now and could look back at all the crazy shit that's happened to him in his life, he still would use the wish to get Larkin Sparrow through potty training. Very bad. Okay.

You know what? I will say, we're a little behind the scenes. A little behind the scenes. Right before we record, Beth and I were both like, oh shit, we don't have a dad fact we'll think about. And Will gave us the most fucking teacher. He scoffed at us. Then we just saw him read an email to himself. And now I get it, because look at the work he did. He fucking wrote a novel over there. I get it. Will, I'm going to try harder next week. Here's the tip. Just five minutes before you show up, you think, what's my dad fact?

And then you come in and you got to get ready to go. Shut the fuck up. I hate this. I am so personally just offended. Okay. Listen. Hi. My name's Beth May and I play Ron Stampler, emotionally detached stepfather and rogue. Fun fact about Ron this week. One of the reasons that Ron is so...

Maybe not nervous, but reluctant to really talk about the ins and outs of fatherhood as it relates to Terry Jr. is because when he married Samantha, Samantha asked him to sign an NDA, which is a new dad agreement. Nice.

And, you know, it was in truth just sort of Samantha's way of making sure that Ron checked off the list of like, I will put Terry's needs in front of my own or whatever. You know, fucking Samantha is just a good person. Just a couple of himbos. And so, yeah, he signed it without reading it. Yeah.

Like any good businessman. Yeah. Hey, it's Anthony Burch. I'm your dad. So this is the first episode that we're recording live. So I figured I would take this opportunity to be. Yeah. See, first ever. I would take this opportunity to be sincere for basically the first time in the like two plus years we're doing this podcast. So I'm going to very quickly compliment each of you earnestly for

prepare yourselves. So I think Freddie is basically the most workhorse human being I've ever met in my life. This podcast would not exist without him. The editing, the creativity that goes into all of the audio design in addition to what Chad helps with and all that stuff. Chad as well. But like Freddie was the one who like came up with the idea for the podcast and then like made it

come into being like he and I and Lauren like sort of talked it over and I had the quote unquote the idea but as Freddie was fond of saying when we work together before like ideas don't actually matter it's you know it's doing the thing and Freddie's better at doing the thing than anybody I've ever met so I'm always blown away by that thank you Anthony yeah no problem appreciate it Beth I think is probably one of the most naturally talented people I've ever met my entire life certainly one of the funniest every time we record I always feel like oh I'm really glad we're getting to do this with Beth before she like explodes and doesn't return our calls and stuff like that I feel very blessed to know Beth

I think Jimmy hustles better than any human being I've ever met in my entire life. If it hadn't been for meeting Jimmy and Freddie, I would have thought that I was pretty good at like staying busy. Jimmy is one of the most consistently upbeat and active and like just getting shit done human beings that I've ever met. And I find that incredibly impressive. And that's why I took him off the show because it was getting on my nerves. I'm trying to decide who goes last because it feels like that's the one that you care the most about. I'm so vulnerable right now with potty training. I'm literally going to cry right now.

I'll save you for last. All right. So I think Will's almost unquestionably the best writer I've ever met. I think he has the best understanding of story and character and motivation, all that kind of stuff. The number of times that he's like sent me texts like, hey, what if we did this in the podcast and I do it and then it fucking works out. So like, yeah, actually, specifically the fact that Nicholas is like the one who's getting beaten up on and is sort of the fulcrum for

Jodi leaving and stuff like that's a will special like hey that should be the thing that you like brings them together and causes the breakup and all that stuff so I think I'm constantly impressed by how good Will is at writing Will's into fridging now I'm okay yeah Will's like could you give her like a sister and then kill that sister make it really sad I'm being sincere uh

I'm sorry. Thank you, Anthony. It was very, very, very nice. And then Matt is without question the most charismatic human being I've ever met. Just through sheer force of being persuasive managed to convince a bunch of us to play bad video games that we don't want to play and bad board games that we don't want to play because he's such a pleasure to be around. He's an incredible good friend. He also has an amazing story sense and is also just wonderful

generally one of the more sincere and thoughtful and intelligent people that I've ever met. I love you, Anthony. And also my hairs are beginning to grow back. And so I have a bunch of ingrown hairs. So like, it's like they have goosebumps. So it's like my dick, my ass and my balls have all seen a ghost.

I'm not letting you get away with that. I'm not letting you get away with that. I love you, Anthony. I love you too, Anthony. I love you, Anthony. I heard when the hair grows back, it's the worst. It's not the worst. It's just like a lot of them are ingrown and there's a lot of bumpies down there. Does your butt look like House MD right now? Do you know what I mean? Damn, yeah. That's double. When do you go back? Like haircuts are like every couple of months. Six weeks. Six weeks? So every six weeks you got to do this now? Every six weeks I get to do this. Nice, nice, nice. Are you doing the same person? My neck, my back.

I've developed a rapport with them. I'm not going to go and start a new relationship with somebody else. Don't change horses midstream. No, you got to let them know that you don't need them. You need to have one that you go back and forth to. So you let them know. This guy saw Anthony's butt and it was like Michelangelo seeing the slab of marble he carved the statue of David out of. I can't stop his art midway through. Also, all the sincere stuff was just so I could get to that punchline. I don't actually care about any of it. No, I love it.

So when we last left our dads, sort of, they were trying to rescue Nicholas from a couple of aboleths. After a bomb exploded the bridge leading out of Book Castle, Nicholas was swallowed whole. In the struggle to get him free, Jodie Foster and his son Nicholas both decided to basically accept their inner demons, so to speak, and turned into their proper demon forms.

and absconded to the infernal plane after having a nice very brief farewell with glenn close normally when men accept their inner demons they just turn into big douchebags but like you gotta give it up for them yeah jody's like hey i'm an just so you know but since i've said it that means it's okay the whole reality seals itself as jody and nicholas depart for what may be the last time you ever see them the door that you exited on the other side of the destroyed bridge

You see Boreanaz and his friends who are like shaking their heads free of the spell that you cast on them. And Boreanaz sees you all across the bridge. He goes, oh, did we? Where's the demon? Did we kill the bomb? Explode? Yeah. Us. Us. Did we kill a demon? We killed the demon, right? Hey, us. Hey, guys, keep it down here. We got a dad who just lost a. Hey.

Glenn, you okay, man? Can you guys shut up for a second? You guys set the bomb? Uh, yeah. It's called a contingency plan, and it turns out it worked pretty well. So, you're welcome. Hold me back, Daryl. Hold me back. I hold Glenn back. And I make a big show of like, punch you, David Borealis. Oh, are you actually not trying to go? Well, I mean... No, then I pull you back too far and we tumble. Okay. I feel like full-on, like, ready. Like, he assumes you're actually going after them. Yeah, I get suplexed by Daryl. Can I roll to see if... Actually...

I need dice. Oh, shit. Holy shit, you're right. You don't use the app anymore, do you? Hold on, wait. We need to get dice, everybody. Oh, my God. Real dice. It's been so long. Like, I haven't touched real dice in so long. Beth, here's your dice. Thank you. I can't not see that as, like, her getting, like, a toddler plate. That's exactly how you have to treat me with dice. Can I have a kid's menu? Totally forgot we rolled dice in this game. Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

Okay, I'm going to roll to see if I can find the lure. So go ahead and roll perception. I got a 19. Okay, so with that, you can easily see that sort of still hooked into one of the shards of flesh on the still steaming and exploded stump of what used to be an abaless head. You can very easily see that your lure is still stuck in there, and you can take it out with an incredible amount of ease. Okay, I'm really sorry, Daisy, or Donald. That was Daisy. I didn't mean for it to be like this, but...

And I just take it. Hey, Boreanaz. What? That bomb really sucked, dude. I mean, it seemed like it got rid of two demons, so. Well, no, it didn't in point of fact, sir. In fact, it nearly killed all of us and our children. And then because a bunch of, we had to kill the demons. And then one of the, I'm sorry. I'm freaking out a little bit. Like, this is heavy.

stuff has happened since we saw you last, sir. And I just think you should be more sensitive to the fact that we've got dads here that are dealing with a lot of trauma that just happened. And then your drunk butt wanders in here and you just taking credit for stuff. And well, sir, it's just not very nice. Boreanaz, after hearing that outburst from Henry uses message to put a voice in Henry's head, that is just him whispering. You're welcome. You're welcome, baby.

What was that? It's like one of those ASMR videos. Yucky. You watch those videos? It means awesome, silent man reaction. Awesome, silent man radio. Yeah, that's what it means. Is that what it is?

Again, I don't do a lot, but I've seen that on, again, I'm not searching, but I've seen that on Grant's computer. And I figure, you know, boys, they're going to do it. No, it's just like a chill thing. It's like nature sounds and stuff like that. But it kind of gives me the icky wickies when you hear someone whispering in your ear. You know, it's kind of part of why I don't like listening to NPR all that much. All right. I'm just going to ask Grant what ASMR is when I see him. Nick liked ASMR. Oh, God.

Oh. Anyway. Don't know what it is, but okay. So it seems like a normal thing that kids like. Yeah. Hey, Payton, do you have ASMR here? Uh, Abid, he immediately, Payton climbs onto your shoulders and then just puts his mouth way too close to your ear and he goes, we have this. Get off me, Payton.

It's like I'm here. It's like I'm right here. All right, I put him down. So Payton goes like, all right, so do we want to head back to Walter and the kids or we could go straight to get Ron's anchor? Actually, you know what? Before we go to Ron's anchor, could you drop me off somewhere? Because I don't want to. Because if Willie shows up, I would not want to. Where Ron? Your anchor? No, before that. Well, Payton, did you just say you don't want to come with us? I thought you were all about the butt kicking. No, because Willie was...

Oh, yeah. He was, I don't, it would just, I would prefer not. Well, that's okay, buddy. You don't have to come. Okay, thank you. I'll take care of you and we'll not go either. Yeah, we could just stay together. Okay. You guys can do it without us. We should go Walter. Let's go Walter. Yeah, well, yeah. Let's go Walter. We'll talk about it on the way. Okay. And hey, by the way, Boreanaz, frick you, sir. You're not a very good sheriff and you're a big part of the problem around here. I'm going to wing a rocket, Boreanaz. Oh, yeah. Go ahead and give me a ranged attack.

Five plus eight, 13. No, you barely miss him. And then once again, Henry hears a whisper going, no, frick you, my friend. Oh,

I know that's not what nature means, but like literally it is in Daryl's nature. If one man throws a rock, he just also has to throw a rock. So I'm going to roll nature to see if I throw a rock first. Yeah, roll nature. I rolled a one. You throw your wallet at him. Daryl's just for some reason disappointed and sad now. He's just like, oh well. Are we at full health? Oh yes. Oh, sorry. Thank you for asking that. Did we level up? Yes, you all leveled up. Oh my gosh.

Everybody's back at full health. Everybody's leveled up. This makes up for losing my kid. Yeah. Kids go and go. Levels are forever. You head back to the secret meetup spot that Walter and you agreed on previously. He found a cave this time that is actually behind a waterfall. So we're dripping wet. You're dripping wet as you step through, but you look cool. It looks hot. As you step through, you notice immediately a couple of things. Something.

Secondly, you notice the looks of... I'm doing it for dramatic reveal purposes. Got it, got it. Secondly, you notice that the children that you left behind are looking at you with confusion and not a small amount of worry, having presumably noticed that two of your number are now missing. Firstly, you notice that Walter is inside what appears to be a sort of fantasy version of a wheelchair that he is fixing up for himself because his legs are gone. Oh!

What? What? What happened? Walter! Hey, man. What? Bro! Oh, yeah, a bounty hunter had a scimitar. They called me out with a blade. He surprised us at night, got these babies from me. A lark and sparrow woke up in time to hit him, so I woke up and got just out of the way. The blade was going to hit my neck, but it hit my legs instead, so I strangled him. Wait, is he here? His body? No, I buried that. Where did you bury him? Who does he work for?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, there's their wanted posters everywhere from us. I think it's Willie putting out wanted posters for all the bounty hunters in the realms of Cup of Vagas. That's weird because my dad's name is Willie and so, you know. No, I'm talking about your dad. Henry, roll Perception. Okay. I'm pretty good at that.

I got a 22. Wow. Okay, so with a 22, before you even see it, you can sense it in the air. In the moist air of this cave, you can feel a unique familial anger radiating from a corner of the cave. And you turn and you see the behind Walter's wheelchair helping him with a couple of fantasy wrenches, which I assume are just wrenches, but made of wood. They have metal. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Metal technology has not expanded to wrenches yet in the Forgotten Realms. It's all wooden sticks. You see Lark and Sparrow, and you can tell that Lark is pretty cross. He is fuming. Yeah.

And Sparrow goes, yes, father, there was a bounty hunter ambush and he attacked us and we lacked the means to defend. And before he can finish what he's saying, Lark goes, if only we had had a couple of Hulk fist gauntlets, we could have easily beaten away the intruder. I attempted to fight the intruder with my normal meat fist and it was insufficient. And now my good friend, Walter, my surrogate daddy, Walter, is missing his legs and you must...

You must atone for this, father. This is your fault. Oh, my beautiful boys. And I run and I hug them and start crying. You can feel Sparrow hold you and hug you back. And you can feel Lark not do that. And in this moment, your mind is cast back to when you first drew from the deck of many things. And the rogue card came up and promised you that someone in the future would hold a grudge against you.

And you now know in your heart that that person is your own son. Wait, what? Lark Oak. Dang, dog. Oh, man.

And when he pulls away, when your two sons pull away from you, Sparrow is wiping tears from his eyes and Lark is just looking at you with anger. I can't handle this. Henry is just speechless. He doesn't know what to say. I reach out for Lark and say, Lark, buddy, I know what you went through must have been so sorry and I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help protect you guys, but I know you did a really good job helping Walter and I'm really proud of you, okay? He reaches out with his hand, palm up, and he says, the gloves. Oh.

I lean over and I say, hey, this is like kids like to test boundaries. This is like not the time. I know they want to give them the gloves, but they don't want to give them the gloves right now. Lark, I can't give you the gloves, buddy. I'm sorry. He, without saying another word, turns away and walks back behind Walter's wheelchair again and continues to start tightening bolts with his fantasy wrench. Yeah.

And he does not look at you. Hey, do you think like the fantasy, like Philip's head's like an elf name, you know? It's a drizzed head. Nice. Great joke. Nice, nice. Get some tool jokes in here. Light in the moon. Love it. Henry just walks off to stare at the waterfall by himself for a second. I give Sparrow a reassuring pat on the shoulder and a kiss on the forehead. And then I say, look after your brother, okay, buddy? He smiles and nods at you, but you can tell he's very sad. Holy shit. I go to Ron, I'm like, what's Lark's deal? I don't know. I...

I mean, I've been through the same thing. Kids like to test boundaries, right, Daryl? Yeah, that's a tough one. I give Henry kind of like a hand on the shoulder as he walks away. Yeah, I need to be alone for a while, Daryl. All good, man. I go over to Grant. So Grant sees you coming and goes, where's... Grant, are you okay? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Walter saved us. He's great. But where's Jody? Where's Nick? Ah.

Nicholas, sorry. Glenn sighs and goes, well, folks...

Here's the long and short of it. That Jody guy that you all remember. You all remember Jody? You hear four voices simultaneously say yes. Yeah, that was like he wasn't part of the group alternate timeline thing. Best not think about it too hard, but he's gone now. And technically, Nicholas was like more his son than mine. So, I mean, I guess they're good. They're taken care of, I guess. I got Nick Jr., though. I got I got this guy right here. Hey, squeak, squeak.

Terry Jr. squints really hard and pulls you aside, Ron. And he goes, did Glenn kill Nicholas and Jody? No.

I mean, I know it sounds like I'm lying. Yeah, you know what? I'm going to ask. I'm going to go ahead and ask somebody. Hey, Daryl, Daryl. Yeah. Did Glenn kill Nicholas and Jody? No, of course he didn't kill Nick and Jody. They turned into demons. It was wild. See, your old man was telling the truth. Yeah, man. Hey, Terry, you know your old man? He's a straight shooter. He always tells the truth. Most of the time. He's telling you the truth here. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll take tell us the truth sometime. Straight shooter, I'm not 100% sure on, but yeah, okay. I shoot any direction. So Sparrow, who is at the front of the wheelchair with Walter, installing some like blades into the rims of the wheels. Oh shit, yes. He's like, so Nicholas and they're in like what, demon world now? And from behind the wheelchair, you can hear Lark say, oh no, Nicholas is in hell. Oh no. Hey, hey, hey. No, Lark.

What the hell, man? Lark, that's not okay, buddy. You can't. You got to be more sensitive than that, Lark. We know you would. Come on. And he just goes back to working. He doesn't even look up. He just makes a noise. So you all want to, like, have some barbecue or something? I think, you know what? I get hang. Are you all hang? I'm hangry. I'm feeling a little hangry. I'm not even hangry. I'm hungry. You're hungry? All right. Let's. Well, I was. Never mind. Hangry is hungry, but angry is both. Oh.

Well, I was actually thinking. I got a bunch of the pieces I needed for this sick-ass chariot you could see before you. I got them at a mall nearby, and I also saw they were selling some, like, magical items and stuff. I didn't know if you wanted to, like...

You could check out the mall if you wanted to get some more stuff. You seem like a little light on... A mall? Yeah, a mall. Walter, what do you mean with a mall? Yeah, Walter, I know my way around a few outdoor malls as a... I mean, a Christmas music guy. What are you talking about here? Yeah, so there's a mall. She's very big. She holds a bunch of stuff. She's part of the mall family. She's an orc named Mall. I knew it was going to be something. M-A-U-L. She sounds like a hot topic.

She's forever 21. Is she dangerous? No, no, no. I mean, if you try to rob her, yes. But no, the Maul family is known far and wide as honorable merchants of reputable magical goods. You might know her Auntie Annie. Or her uncle, Paul Blart. Does she have a daughter, Miss Fields, and they make cookies? Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one, right? That's a good name. I could think of a name in a Maul, too.

So yeah, that's something you can do. Or, I mean, Swankery Hill is also not very far. If you did want to go get Ron's anchor, that is definitely something you could also do as well. What can you tell us about Swankery Hill? So Swankery Hill is a pretty, it's pretty podunk. It's really just honestly a hill. So the fact that your anchor is there, I assume it's just buried somewhere on the hill or something like that. There's no town there. There's no nothing, just some trees,

And then a little hill that overlooks the trees. It's very bland, to be completely honest. Why is it called Swankery? Yeah, that sounds like it would be cooler than... It was first scaled by Sir Edmund Swankery, and he named himself after it and thought he was really impressive. And he fell down and broke his neck and...

They named it after him as a joke. Yeah, yeah. He went to live at a farm with all the other mountain explorers. That's good. Okay, team. If you're not all hungry, maybe, you know, they're all some. I enjoy a good shop. Sometimes shopping is how I get. Maybe we should all just go shopping. Is that what you all want to do? Will that make you all feel better? Consumerism, material goods. Is that going to do it for you? Would buying a thing and a pretzel help you feel better about your life? Glad, glad.

You doing okay? Yeah. I love malls. Let's go. Okay. Just all your family's gone. Like you're alone again. Nah, nah. Is that Peyton or Walter saying that? This is me, Peyton. Sorry. Peyton, come over here for a sec, buddy. Hey, what's up, baby? Hey, Peyton. Yeah. Hey, can you just, maybe you're not the one to talk to Glenn right now. Oh, fuck you. Oh, no. Peyton. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't understand loss, be your dad who died probably or whatever you told me.

I don't remember it, but I'm sure there's some part of me that still feels it. Thanks. Wow. Peyton, I appreciate what you're doing with Glenn. I just think maybe Glenn's a little bit more of a sensitive soul. I know not everybody can be as tough as you are, buddy. Nobody can be. I know you're a tough guy, right? You're a tough guy. I'm a tough guy. Glenn's a little, he acts tough, but right now, I think constantly reminding him his family's gone is not the thing to do right now. So like, tell you what, how about every time you think about something that you want to say to Glenn, you tell me, and I'll like, I'll laugh because everything you say is funny. You just tell me, I'll give it a chuckle. Yeah, the truth is funny, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Is that what I am to you, huh? Funny guy? What? Oh, hey, buddy. Funny guy? Yeah, I hear you're fucking amusing. McCloud? Yeah, right. All right. All right. No, you got it. You got it. You know what? This dad point goes to you, Daryl. Oh, thanks. Thanks. Yeah. No, you got it right. You know who I am. Henry goes up to Larkin Sparrow and says, hey, boys. So...

It seems like we got a lot to talk about. And maybe there's like a sort of a food court at this mall or something like that. You know, maybe even just this once, you know, we can we can break the old vegan rule a little bit. You guys can have, you know, maybe a pepperoni pizza or something like that. And we can all talk about what happened when I was gone. And I really hope we can all come together. Does that sound like a plan, kids? Sparrow's like, oh, yeah, absolutely. That sounds delightful, father. And Lark, or his voice, rather, from behind the wheelchair goes, got to finish working on it.

He's not 30 suddenly. I have to finish working on this wheelchair for Walter or else he won't be able to move. Currently, the axles are stuck. You could go on ahead. I'm going to continue working on this with Walter. Oh, well, why don't I stay and I'll help you fix the wheelchair? No, this is a one-lark job. Thank you. No, I'm good. Thank you. Thank you. I'm good. Thank you.

Lark, I know you're mad at me right now. I'm establishing a boundary, Father. That's healthy to have boundaries, but we all need to move as a group. It's not safe for us to all split up right now. And so we're all going to need to go to the mall together, okay? I understand you're mad. You don't have to talk to me, and that's okay. You know, you feel what you got to feel right now. Let's have a dad hole. Just the four of us. Hey, Peyton, why don't you... I know you're a dad, but why don't you be the dad that takes care of the other kids right now? Peyton walks away going, kid, dad, kid, dad, dad.

Hey, okay, so there's a lot going on right now. I think for right now, let's let the kids be kids. Henry, I'm sorry with what's going on with Lark. I think we know the situation. It looks like Walter can't move right now. I think just us as dads need to come up with what the game plan is, and then we will tell the kids what's going on. That's a good idea, too. Okay, what's the game plan? Do you guys want to go to the mall? We want to go to the mall or Miss Mall? I don't know if we should bring the kids along. We could also stay behind. We're good in the hidden behind this waterfall. Is that paying? That would be Walter.

Walter, you can't be here because, like, Larg's working on you. We're far away from you. You talk very loud. Okay, sorry. We'll talk quieter. Sorry. Sorry, kids. We'll talk quieter. We can move farther away. You turn and all the kids are looking at you. We move farther away and talk quieter. So I have two questions for the group. One, Ron, it's like this is your show up next, man. We got to go get your anchor, you know, and that means we could be squaring off Willie. So, like, I just want to check in with you on that, you know, and how you're feeling. Um...

I don't really want to talk about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just have a dad's day. Dad's day. Big day for everybody's feelings. A mall sounds like I've lost a lot of my weapons. I don't really have. I don't have pants on. Like a mall seems like we got a gearing up for Willie seems like a good idea. So maybe we should go to the mall.

I would really like to spend some time with my boys right now. I got to work through whatever's going on with Lark. I'm trying not to freak out right now, but I seem to remember one of those cards meant someone was going to hate me forever. And it sure seems like it might be my son. So I'm not feeling great about that. The mall's safe. We can take the kids to the mall. Yeah. So that's, yeah. You know, retail therapy, right? Yeah. Samantha said that there's nothing quite like retail therapy. I don't know what that means.

Well, if a therapist says it's okay, then it's okay with me. And let's go. Let's go. It feels like we're all in a let's not talk about our feelings right now. And let's just go. We'll figure it out over there. And in terms of, I got this. I walk over and I go, hey, look, let me see what's going on with that wheelchair. And without even waiting for him to answer, I just look at what's going on with the wheelchair. Like, how broken is it? It's fine. It has been fine the entire time. Oh, wow. Lord, man.

You said it was going to take a while. It's already done. Good job. Yep. Just fixed it. Just now fixed it. All right, kiddos, gather around. All of us, dads, we're all your coaches. We're all a team. We're all coaches. I mean, we're the coaches. We are all going to the mall. Sound fun? Oh, my God. We're going to the mall? Run. Yeah, we're going to the mall. This summer, Instacart presents famous summer flavors coming to your front door.

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I think what follows from this point is like a like a fun like girls in the car headed to the mall montage. Yeah. Except everybody's miserable. Like the music's really like, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's so much fucking sad people. And I so wish we had the minivan right now. I'm very disappointed. Fucking Daryl's the only one dealing with anything healthily. What the hell?

What's going on? I'm just concerned about everybody else now. I'm having a good time. Oh, thanks, Ron. I mean, I don't know why I say thanks. It's not my idea. We all did this together. We're all team. Good job, team. So you come across a clearing where there is a very large, very beautiful orc next to a sign that says, Malls, Mall, many things for many golds. And-

You can see a whole assortment of things. You see basically a bunch of stands set up that are all under the same tent. You see a stand full of clothes. You see a stand full of unusual magical items. Everybody give me a perception roll. That makes sense because honestly, shopping's a skill. You don't always catch a good deal. That's true. It's true. Damn. Oh my God. Like, listen, she's back inside.

now that she's actually holding the dice in her hands. Back. Yes, daddy. Okay, I got an 18. 16. 20 plus 4, 24. 22. So everybody except for Daryl notices that one of the stands seems to have a couple of items that look overly familiar to you. They look like they might not have originated in these realms. They might come from

Earth. And in addition to that, there's also some other fun, magical, fancy-ass things. And the orc opens her arms and she goes, Welcome, welcome to Mars Mall of Things. How can I assist you? Would you like to try on some pretty things? Would you like to try out some pretty weapons? Would you like to punch me in the face directly and pay me 20 gold for the privilege? What would you like to do? Hey, Payne, that seems like something you'd want to do. Oh, yeah, baby. Here we go.

Wait, 20 gold? Give me some gold. Give me some gold. Don't take that in front of my face and then take it away. Who's going to give me the 20 gold? You're right. That's unfair. I should have thought about the price before I gave her 20 gold. 20 gold! So here we go. Inflation is rampant in the Forgotten Realms right now. The Fed is not stepping in. The consumer price index is out of control. So Peyton talks back his arm and he goes, all right, when do you get to hell? That's how a Peyton sent you. And he rolls a 12, which is not enough.

And he completely just whiffs. This enormous orc person, he whiffs completely and hits the ground. And then Glenn goes, can we get a refund on that? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll sell it in final. I'm so terribly sorry. Well, technically, it's to hit your... I mean, he didn't hit. Oh, nope. You know what? This is a haggler. We got a haggler on our hands. Like a light goes off. A bunch of auto ballista come out from the stands and they point at you. So give me a persuasion roll. That's a two. What?

Because I said he could punch me. It's not my fault if he can't. That's Walter. Ooh, this is your, you're in a tough spot here. I said he could punch me. I didn't say that he had to hit me. So that's, that's on you. I can see you've got quite an amount of gold weighing you down. So if you want to just keep giving him until he can get it going. Nah, sorry, sorry, Payne, buddy. That's on you. No, I was so close. I was so close. Hey,

Hey, Peyton, you know what? Tell you what. I'll give you an allowance. How about that? That's a good idea. Yeah, what do you save it? No, all the kids get it. That would be weird for just Peyton. Hey, yeah. Do we want to talk about giving the kids an allowance? This is called Rich Dad, Poor Dad. All right, boys. I'm going to give you each 700 gold. Wait, what? How much gold do we have? You already said 700, baby. That's good. A copper each. A copper each? Yeah, every week. Daryl. How much? Daryl, my son, my dad, if you try to hand me a copper...

I will spit in that and then throw it right back at you. How much is it gold? I look at Peyton and I go, I would never hand you a copper. And I flick it to him. And he dodges it. And he goes, you're going to have to do better than that, baby. Tell your wife you're one less copper from punching her again. That's on you. And he's looking at you all angrily. And he maintains angry eye contact as he backs up and then crouches and feels around on the ground for the copper and picks it up and puts it in his pocket, still looking at you all pissy. I asked the orc, I'm like, hey, what's like a good allowance for a kid around here?

year. What Henry? This is someone who charges 20 gold to punch them. Oh, I would say, I don't know, 300 gold per kid. Probably use that 700. Let's round it up to an even 700 gold per kid. Most of the kids in this world. Yeah. How much gold do we have now? We have a thousand and 3.75 gold after Liz Warren taxed 75% of it. I'm just,

I feel like Liz Warden probably talked a big game about how she was going to tax her the bunch, but at the end of the day, we never taxed her. No, she took it. If she was in charge, she taxed her. If she had a guy above her, prevented her from doing that, it'd be something else. How about a gold a kid? A gold a kid. You know, all right, here you go, boys, and I give each of them a gold, and I say, you buy...

You buy whatever you want, as long as it's one gold. And, you know, then we'll all go and then we'll all show each other what we got. How about that? So Sparrow goes, ah, that's an excellent idea. One gold, one gold. Let's see. Let's see if we can find some candy, some sweet treats. Come with me, brother. I go to the kids and I go, if you guys all give me one gold, I'll give you two gold later. Yeah.

I leave it for the grant. I leave it for the grant. I give him a dollar. I go, do not give Glenn your gold. And I go, see, this is a investment opportunity. And if you act now, you'll be able to double your gold. Sparrow's like, ooh, that's

That sounds like a good end. And then begins to give you the one gold, and then Lark just grabs his hand and looks at him and solemnly just shakes his head. No? No takers? Oh, all right. No. No takers. Hey, what about Nick Jr.? Nick Jr. is going to get a gold, too, right? I give a gold to Nick Jr. Okay, yeah, that's fair. Starts nibbling on it. I shoot a look to Daryl like, what's going on with the mount? Do you want to deal with it right now? I don't. Right now? Oh!

Oh, look at these nibbling on it, little guy, huh? Oh, jeez. He's chewing on it. Oh, it's so cute. And he doesn't get a dent. And I'm like, wait a minute. This gold is not real. No, no, no. It's real gold. Don't worry, listeners. It's real fake gold. Nice. So, yes, the kids group up and they sort of go off and start looking at the different booths. What would you like to do? You want to go for that? They come back with like...

a thousand airheads like you guys remember airheads aka the cheapest candy ever i remember the drugstore like by my house it was just like 10 for a dollar just did not care airheads was definitely designed like they had like a don draper moment where they're like gentlemen kids have to get one dollar and go to the snack bar he shall make a candy where they get 10 of ours and we will always win they don't have to taste good they don't have to be particularly good they

That's totally, that's gotta be true. Like big jolly ranchers saying they'd be like, damn it. Airheads is fucking eating our lunch. I like that. They're called white mystery. And so am I.

Okay, so in the clothing area, there's a whole bunch of cool, like, there's some armor pieces, but mostly just really nice, really decorative clothing that you can grab. So here's the thing. You may have noticed me wearing these boxers that... I did notice that, yeah. I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to be rude, but yeah. Not a lot of pants on you fellas. Yeah. Well, the thing is, I'm kind of cursed in a cool way. That's why my boxers say cool guy. Okay.

So is there a pair of pants or anything, a kilt or a jumpsuit or anything like that that I could cover up my legs with so they don't get so chilly? Well, let's see. We got thigh-high socks. We got thigh-high boots. I think we found our answer. Holy shit, we found the answer. Because if you can't do pants from the belt down, you can still do pants from the ankle up. All the way up to the crotch.

Glow up. Yes, I would like. I mean. You want to try them on first? Sure. Ron, do you want to try on a bunch of them and we can tell you how they look? Like, you know? Sure. Yeah. Okay. So she takes you over to a little, it sort of looks like a port-a-potty, but it's big enough to get dressed in. It's just a dressing room essentially and closes the curtain. You just say it's a dressing room, Anthony. I mean. No, because it's fantasy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see if I can buy a surprise for everybody. How can I do that? Um.

I want to ask you without them all knowing. I think you get to make up what you're buying them. And if I decide that it's too overpowered, I will say, no, you didn't buy that. You bought something else. I just think while they're all trying on Rons, I'm looking for a custom. Is that what we're calling thigh highs now is Rons? We need to start selling Rons.

Is there like somebody that can like sew stuff? Maybe you can beckon Maul over because everybody's distracted by the great fashion show that's about to happen where they're going to alternately nod their heads and shake their heads really irritatedly if it comes out in something bad like in a rom-com. So Maul goes, yeah, what do you need? I can definitely sew something for you. Let's go over here and you want to get some secret gifts to your friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Let's chit chat. And the audio fades out on that as you do whatever you're about to do. One montage of Ron trying on different Rons later. Actually, no, let's-

Ron. You know what happens? Maul comes to you with a big box that's got some Ron's inside them and you reach toward it and he snaps it on your hands and you're like, I'm pretty woman. Okay. Yeah. You take those. Sorry. I'm deep into Google image search for thigh high tube socks. Realize what we've done.

We have made it so that if we are ever at a convention, we will know if somebody is listening to our show from a mile away because they'll be the person walking on the convention floor wearing cool guy boxers. They will be the person who is arguing with the security guard demanding to be let in to the convention. Yes. What's it look like, Ron? They look really great. Standard sort of, um,

American tube socks where there's the stripes at the top. But the only difference is they go up to my thighs. Do they have the gold toe at the bottom? Yeah. They have a little patch on the toe and a little patch on the heel. And they're even kind of off-color like a lot of tube socks are. They kind of look like they've been around for a while and maybe...

Maybe, like, they're not new. Maybe they were in a drawer somewhere or whatever. But you know what? They look great. They look great, Ron. You look fantastic in those. Hey, I was wondering, what do you have with, like, a lot of pockets? We have these things called cargo shorts in our world, and I'm trying to, like...

I feel like I'm losing touch with a lot of stuff lately. So psychologically, I feel like I want a lot of pockets on my pants. Henry, you got, I was thinking jeans. Now you're right. That's cargo. We got cargo it up. Do you do cargo stuff? Also about my tube socks is that they have the little grip on the bottom. Yes. Yes. I love baby socks. Yes. Socks with grip, little studded grips.

So that you can't slide around. I'm not going to be sliding anywhere. Nice. Certainly not in anybody's DMs. As you request cargo shorts, Malt the Orc shows you a bunch of skins from different fantasy creatures that have been murdered in, well, not murdered, not murdered, murdered in the skin. Meat is murder. They had natural pouches, like kangaroo type things, but they had like multiple pouches. They don't have pockets in this world? No, no, absolutely not.

You can tell that these things used to be very cute. Okay, I'm wondering if you could do like a custom job for me. Do you see like this bag I'm holding and I show like my backpack?

Like, and I show it to the clothier. So could you make, like, a pair of pants that have, like, smaller versions of this bag sewn onto the pants? That's kind of what I'm asking for. As you're saying that, you can see the orc's jaw just drop lower and lower. And she grabs you by the lapels, and she says, you said that in my store, that means it's my intellectual property.

That's okay if you, as long as all I want in return is maybe a free pair of shorts in my size and then two smaller shorts for my son. Yeah, shut up, shut up. Yes, yes, yes, absolutely, yes. She grabs your Ron socks and then slowly rolls them off of you very carefully and goes, yes, pockets for everybody. Okay, give me one second. She goes into a little workshop that's behind the mall and you hear like cartoon like hammering and nailing and...

And like, yeah, smoke's coming off from in the background. Yeah, you hear like train whistle and stuff. And she comes out and sweat dripping off her brow. And she goes, this is my finest work. And

Ron, she hands you the exact same socks that you were wearing, but now there are two little pockets in the back that would rest right behind your knees. Yeah, so making it impossible to sit. So it's very difficult to sit if there's anything in them. Henry, she makes you some really nice knitted together leather pants. There is more pocket than not pocket on these things. Pockets as far as I can see. It's like a Rob Liefeld drawing. I get the kangaroo pants, by the way. Yeah, you get the kangaroo pants.

And then she also says, and as Daryl requested, yeah. And Daryl, why don't you go ahead and tell them what they see? Hey guys, I got us all uniforms. I got polo shirts for everybody. They say doodlers and your last names. And how does the sketch look? I asked them to do a sketch of like the four dads, kind of like the Pep Boys logo. And...

You know, like, big heads, those guys are goofs. I just thought, like, it would look great. Can you imagine? Holy shit. Can you fucking wrap your mind around, like... Hold on. I just ruled with advantage to see how good the Pep Boys logos turned out. She got a natural 20. Whoa! It's like, no, mom.

mom. I don't want to look like the backstreet boys. I want to look like the pep boys. It says dad boys and there's like an ampersand hidden there but just looks like dad boys. I'm looking for something that says cars like me, people love me.

And there's even one for Nick Jr. He made a little tiny one for the rat. Oh, that is very cute. Hey, hey, thanks. Wow, this is really swell, Daryl. Golly gee whiz. We're a team. I just think, you know, we've done good. Is my head this big? No, that's what makes it funny. Oh, okay. All right. You can see Grant and Terry are like...

Here you go, Grant. Here you go, Payton. Put those bad boys on. We're a team, everybody. Everybody puts them on. They're super excited, except for Lark. I mean, they have to choose if they put them on or not. Oh, I put mine on. Yeah. I help little Nick Jr. with his on as well. Hey, Ron, are you putting yours on? Yeah, what does it look like again? It's vomit green. It's a really ugly green. It's a green polo shirt. You know, polo shirts are those things that hold a really good graphic design. Hey, Ron, everybody has got a pocket.

Anthony with his kill shot merch burn out of nowhere.

Okay, yeah, I put it on. All right. All right, so yeah. That's the least happy I've heard you ever sound on this podcast. I'm sorry. Sorry, Panhard. We all look the same now. I really liked Ron's like rumpled business thing. You can find an excuse to get it ripped or take it off later. Take it off like two seconds later. Yeah, who knows? But yeah, Lark just uses it to clean off some grease from Walter's wheelchair. He does not put it on. Was Walter wearing it? Walter's like, oh, hell yeah. And he's like, oh, you didn't? I'm not on here. Oh.

I, uh, kind of been defending your kids. Kind of, kind of lost my legs defending your kids. You didn't, uh, Walter, I take off my shirt and I rip it in half.

Walter, forgive me. I bend down and go, however much it'll cost, I would like the same set of shirts with his face on it now, and I put down another, like, 20 gold. I say, just do it for me. So, again, hammer, hammer, hammer, saw noise, drill noise, a gunshot noise for some reason. She comes out and it's the same thing, but now Walter's there as well, and it looks great. How good does Walter look, though? I'm going to keep rolling with the 20 and say that Walter looks fantastic. Well, now I have two of these shirts that I don't really like. What?

All right. It's okay, Ron. I know it's not everybody's style. I get it. Put on the new shirt over the old shirt. Layered pull-blows from Aeropastel. So we all got clothes. Yes, you all got clothes. There's also that booth that had things from Earth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Earth thing. Well, Daryl didn't notice, so I have the excuse. What?

10 pristine pairs of cargo shorts. The sharper image. Oh, to me, there's massage chairs here. Yeah, but the sharper image is where she keeps all of her knives. Ah, that makes sense. As you come to this particular booth that has a bunch of items, you can see... Good for us. Bizarrely good for us. You can see what seems to be a television remote control. What? What seems to be a beer koozie. Daryl's eyes are so wide right now. A half dollar, or sorry, a dollar, silver dollar coin.

And then you see a boot with what looks to be like some sort of machinery attached to the heel of the boot. Like Heelys? Are they Heelys? Oh, man. You can investigate them. I would like to investigate all of them. Okay. So if you pick up one of them and give me an Arcana roll to see if you can figure out what they do. I'm going to stare. Oh, natural 20 plus three.

Okay, well, let's just say you know what the way I'll do that. Okay. Yeah, Glenn is a master of mall shit. Remember, Glenn? You are. Do a bunch of mall gigs. He's like, I know everything that gets sold in the mall. How do we know anymore? Yeah. When did the lies end, Glenn? These are four items that were submitted by our patrons. Yay! So the first one, the remote control, is called the stick of functions. I'll show you a stick of... Good for you. Hold on.

I'll show you a stick that functions. Nice. So this item was created by somebody who credits themselves as Camerama Ding Dong the Third. Thanks. Must be nice. It's a magical television remote that allows the user to utilize any remote functions you might see on a traditional television remote and apply them to a target.

Whether that be turning up the volume, meeting a party member. Holy shit. And it says here in pausing time, but I'm going to go ahead and say that this is not a VHS remote as well. It is a TV remote. I mean, TV's paused now. Oh, they do? You're right. Welcome to the 20th century. Suck it, the 90s.

The enemy has to make a constitution saving roll higher than 13. Pretty low. This is pretty low. Or they fall victim to the command for one minute. In order to use the remote, another party member must have it and you must, in traditional dad fashion, ask, hey, can you pass me the remote even if it's directly in front of you? Can I check if there's batteries in it? Yeah, go ahead and roll. A three. No batteries. I knew it.

Too powerful. You can probably find some ways to magically get some batteries together. Right now, it's not useful. Batteries sold separately. Batteries sold separately. Never the batteries in the remote. Fucking Grant, was that? I'm sorry. Why is it fucking? Grant, look at the candy. What the fuck did I do? Grant, where are the batteries? I'm sorry. You put them in your controller?

In a Fortnite machine? It's my Xbox. It's got an Xbox controller. What the frick? What the frick? Okay, so you've got... And then the second item. Second item is from Mike Hicks. Thank you, Mike. It is the Beer Koozie of Truth.

You can add this koozie to any can, mug, stein, cup, whatever, and anyone who drinks from that vessel loses the ability to lie for three questions. Ooh, that's so good. That's me after three or four Michelob bites, am I right? Yeah. And you're still going to have to convince somebody to drink from it. The coin, this was just given to us by someone named Michael. Thank you, Michael. It's the all or nothing coin. It's a coin that can be flipped in place of a D20 roll. Heads is a natural 20, tails is a natural one. Ooh, that's good.

That's very cool. You can only use it once per long rest. That's a cool item idea. And the last one is... Can I use it to check if there's batteries somewhere in the store? You'd have to buy it. Can I use it to fix my relationship with my son? You'd have to buy it. And a one that your son's going to murder you.

And the final one, the boots with the machinery attached to it, it was sent to us by Ryan Peterson. Thank you, Ryan. It is a single jet boot. A single jet boot. End of description. He described it more, but I think you pretty much know what a single jet boot would do. Okay, so yeah. Why is it single? Because its intelligence is intimidating to men. It's an insole, Beth. It's an insole, Will. An insole cocktail. Oh,

Yeah, that's what we'll call it. It's the insole. Oh, no. Okay, so yeah. How much do they all cost? The mall looks at you and mall says, ah, these are magical. These are very useful. Clearly, each of them is going to be 300 gold. Dang. Is that really the price or is it because you know we have 1,000 golds?

Little this, little that. Little this, little that. Tell you what. All four, 300. You may be the worst negotiator. Go ahead and roll persuasion with disadvantage. That is a horrible haggle. Buy the coin and then go all or nothing on a persuasion for the rest of them. Tell you the coin for 200. Make a persuasion roll. Is that one disadvantage? No, it's a normal persuasion. Glenn, you want to pitch in here, Mr. Persuasion Rolls? No, I want to see if Daryl will do it. Do you know about if I'm checking which one it is? So it's a six or a nine? No.

It's a six. Okay, so she goes, 300. I like you guys. You probably just started an entirely new business, an entirely new style of clothing. After we gave you cargo shorts. Did somebody say business? All right, 300. Oh, go on. We should let the businessman negotiate. What do you got? We'll take it for 300. Deal. She shakes your hand. She takes the 300 gold and hands you the silver dollar. We would like to get all the rest of the items for you paying us 1,000.

That's a disadvantage. Anthony choked on Topo Chico. You can use the coin at disadvantage. You're going to flip the coin twice and you're going to take the worst of the two because that's still insane. Do it. Roll the boat. Flip large. I want to flip a real coin. Hold on. Hold on. Do you have a coin? Not only do I have a real coin, I have, as a result of doing fucking magic tricks, a real silver dollar. Oh, wow. That is heads on both sides. Is it because I asked for money that's a disadvantage? Yeah.

It's one thing to hackle, it's another person to say, give me a thousand dollars and also, that's robbery. What you were describing is robbery. Oh God, that was greedy. I got too greedy.

Henry said he was so good. The power went immediately to Daryl's head. So heads is a 20, tails is a natural one. You got to flip it twice. And if either of them are tails, it's a tails. I have for my personal collection, a 1885 silver dollar. Do me a favor. Don't like flip it onto the floor. Like flip it onto the carpet, would you? I'll flip it on and do the turn. Do you want to check it? Yeah, check it. You can check it. You can check it. You can check it. Okay, here I go.

Nothing up my sleeves. Heads is good. Heads is good. If you get either of these or tails, it is going to be tails. I would argue that tails is good, my man. Man, nice. Heads. Heads. Heads. We've got heads. I got one more to go. I look at her. I'm like, I'm just saying, we're doing you a big favor taking these off your heads. These are a problem. All right. Heads. Oh, yes. Heads.

So what do you think? I did it my way. Mom goes, well, when you put it that way. She goes, you know what? You know what? It's worth it for the patent on the pocket thing. Heck with it. Yeah. Take them and take a thousand gold.

That thing that you clearly had so little of that you needed a thousand more. You stupid fucking idiot, Anthony. I get paid a 200 gold. I go, here you go, buddy. Payton buys a gun. Payton buys a gun. Oh, God. I was like, make sure they lose it in this mall.

Anthony, you stupid idiot. You thought you could get us to lose money? Oh, God. Dads always make money all the time. Oh, God. Now, kids, when a windfall like this happens, we don't just, you're still keeping $1 a week for allowance. You understand? Except for paying interest. Except for paying interest.

Well, this is training. Look, if one of you come up with an extracurricular idea or something that you want to do, we'll pay for it. Don't worry about it. You could start your own business. Yeah. We fucking crushed this shit, dude. We speed run to Anthony's mall dungeon. Why did you give Payton 200? I didn't give it to him. I gave it to her. I was like, hey, let the kid get 10 shots at your face. Oh.

Oh, you're paying so Pathan can... Oh, so you robbed this person and now you're paying for a child to beat a woman. First of all...

I just want to make it clear. Is that some weird thing that she has a sign that says $20 to punch my face? I feel like it's pretty good. She's getting a lot of money for not doing much clearly. So I'm giving her back $200. Late capitalism in a nutshell is this guy just stealing money and then giving it to a kid to punch you in the face. And you can earn back a fraction.

of it. So this is, again, this is another item from our group. So Payton goes, the punching thing, the punching thing, yeah, yeah, sure. Are there any other items, like something a little more top shelf? It's like a charity. I can't give you money. You just choose something else with it. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Maul. Is there anything that you've got that's maybe for the more discerning consumer? And Maul goes, I mean, there's the big angry metal thing that's not really useful. That's like, basically, it's not good for anything. It's just a big metal, the J.D.,

And he goes, oh, tell me more about the JD. And she goes, yeah, come follow me. And he leads. We all follow. No, she goes, you stay here. She leads Peyton into the back where her workshop is. And you hear Peyton go, I'll take it. And then you hear, and then a John Deere one series, one, two, three subcompact tractor mower with a 22.4 horsepower.

Do you have another one? Nope, this one's mine. Do you have another one? Nope, this is mine. Payton, Payton, how much for it? Hey, it's priceless. It belongs to me. Daryl, stop. I take the money from Daryl. You've lost your money privileges, young man. You are out of control. Get it together. So this was sent to us by Johnny Stanton. According to Johnny Stanton, the 102E John Deere has a speed of 10 feet per round. Per round of husking. Yeah.

It can be used by a creature with vehicle proficiency or a DC 18 intelligence check or someone who knows how to use it turning it on in the first place, which is what happened here. The vehicle is being used by a creature and enters the spec of another creature. That creature takes 5d10 slashing damage. Oh my God. It can also shorten a field of grass.

So yeah, that's something that Peyton has now. Peyton, don't you think maybe Walter would like using that? Oh shit, that's actually a really good point. Walter, do you want my cool tractor? And Walter goes, well, I suppose I could combine it with my wheelchair design and make quite a behemoth if I could say so myself. And Peyton's like, you know what? This is my gift to you for having such a cool voice and for sounding so distinct to me.

Peyton, I'm really proud of you for that. Yeah. You know what? You deserve it all. I also bought this gun. Absolutely not, Daryl. No, no. Under no circumstances. Look, until my dying breath, you will never step foot inside this John Deere tractor. I think you should be very clear at this point that Grant is incredibly spoiled. Inside?

Yeah, Grant's the best PC. Daryl hired like 20 different people for bots to buy the new graphics card for him. Yeah, Grant's true. Daryl went onto like a website to get the 3090 and he paid way too much for it. Carol definitely comes back and like points at the credit card. Like, it's like, what have you been buying, Grant? Great. Congratulations. You came out 800 gold ahead. You walked away with four, five items, one of which is a tractor.

And 800 mole gold than when you started. So congratulations on that. Can I get a pretzel? We don't. Sorry, we don't. Wait, what's a pretzel? She grabs you by the shoulder and she goes, what's a pretzel? What secrets do you have? It's a food that wraps around you like a snake. Everybody around you, I assume, is from Earth is like, what the fuck are you talking about? That was beautiful, Ron. That's like the soul of a pretzel.

It's like Emily Dickinson describing a hummingbird. It doesn't describe what it looks like, but you somehow described what it is. That's exactly what a pretzel is. Yeah, it's like the thing where the snake is eating itself, but it's dough. The orc kisses you on the forehead and goes, Right now we don't. One day, we will. I just realized I still have a thigh-high tube sauce on. Yeah.

Oh, how much were the tube socks? Those are on the house. On the house. Those are presumably covered by the thousand dollars I just gave you. Do you have like wooden slabs or like any...

Yeah, just wood. What the fuck? Wooden slabs? Wooden slabs? Like just big pieces of wood. Like planks? Yeah, like planks. Yeah, I've got some planks. That's how I build my stuff. Yeah, do you want some spare planks? Yeah, can we just make two big wings on the side of the John Deere so we can all just kind of sit on the John Deere and just slowly cruise?

So jump this fucking podcast of all time. Walter's like, I could just build seats. And then she cuts him off and goes, no, no, I have two planks of wood that I can nail to the side of the ground here. And some chairs. Could I have a plane? It's like a slow-moving ground plane with the seats on the wings. That's what it looks like. Okay.

That happens, but it also lowers the speed by half. Okay, that's fine. So we'll get to Swankery Hill in 20 episodes. So this thing's going at five miles an hour. How do you think we should get out of this, listener? How do you think we should end this episode? Do you have any, like, fast motor things? Yeah!

Walter's like, again, we should go to Swagry Hill within walking distance. I can take the kids back to the waterfall area. No, no, Walter. You're coming with us. We're all going together. We all want to go to Swagry Hill. You sure? We should get close. Oh, what's up, Ron? I don't want to go.

Okay. You know what? We don't have to go. Daryl just starts walking away. Hold on, Ron. I know it's real scary, Ron, but we got to think about, you got to get home to Samantha, man, and we're all going to be there. We're going to be right here with you. But what if something worse happens and we don't get home to Samantha? Samantha, you know, in our universe, sure dead anyway. And what if...

What if I can't save her or Terry? Well, Ron, let me tell you, you figure out a way through it. You really didn't. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Holy shit. Yeah, these records are better in person. Oh my goodness. I mean, I guess, you know, I'll try to do better. I look so that Rhonda's here. Yeah, bro. Why don't you just think of as like, look, if Glenn,

You could do better than Glenn, right? Yeah. Heck yeah. Heck yeah. Look, I don't know if that was a great thing to say to Glenn, but I don't think anything can be worse than losing our wives already. We got to try to get back to them. I can think of a few things that are worse. Yeah. Well, sometimes it helps to say your fears out loud. It makes them less scary. So what feels worse than losing Samantha and Terry? You know, let's work on that. Well, you know, Terry and I, and I look at Terry and I'm trying to like,

play it cool but also say exactly what i mean which is like terry and i we're on good terms now and uh we're sort of right yeah yeah uh yeah we're we're fine we're good yeah we're good and um well i i love him i love you terry and so thanks i if samantha's gone and

What else would Terry have if not, you know? That can happen. Again, I lost my dad. But Ron, like, Terry loves you and Terry's proud of you because you're the sort of person that's going to go and try to save Samantha and get us all home. I like you. I mean, love. Terry, hey, buddy. No, it's okay. Actually, you know, Terry, that makes it a lot better, actually. Yeah.

you're welcome i'm glad i'm glad she's like if he doesn't love me love me then you'll be okay if you know if things go bad oh my god ron oh guys we need samantha that's the only thing daryl could i think we need a therapist so if we ron i think more than anything we gotta go again we gotta save and get the samantha because i think we all gotta talk to samantha sometimes when i think about willie i get so angry and um

I don't know, now we have all these cool weapons and stuff like that and I'm scared. I'm scared and I'm scared of a few different things. The things that I won't even say out loud, they're pretty scary. Sometimes what scares me the most is how angry I am. Let's go to Swankery Hill.

It'll be alright, cause that's just life Even if you die, it'll be alright It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright Cause that's just life All you do is try, it'll be alright

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Daryl Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Henry Oak. Beth May is Ron Stampler. And myself, Freddie Wong, as Glenn Close. Theme song is All Right by Maxton Waller. Courtney Theron is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis provides additional editing. Robin Rapp is our transcriber. Additional sound mixing for the intro by Yee. Special thanks to Cameraman Ding Dong III, Mike Hicks, Michael, Ryan Peterson, and Johnny Stanton for items included.

used in this campaign. Also special thanks to our patron Thumps for suggesting the palette cleanser of this episode. Those are just some of our Patreon supporters and here's a few more. People like Ross Pitt, Asamimosa, Allison Davis, Alexander Sargent, Keegan Hebert, JD Rondeau, Eileen, Devin Suits, William Vinther,

Dissident Love, Melissa Miller, Jessica Chandler, Don Quixote, DJ, Jboy32, Renee Greenia, Alex Wittesen, Andrea Custer, Cameron Wetzel, Ben Waters, and Justin Pellerin. Hey, do you have plans for Father's Day that's coming up? You know, why not spend the evening with us here at Dungeons & Daggers? Because we are gearing up to do our first ever online live show this Father's Day, June 20th, 5 p.m. Pacific Time.

Two ways to be a part of this historic occasion. If you're a Patreon supporter at any level, you'll be able to watch this for free. So don't even worry about buying tickets. If you're not, well, you can either join our Patreon at patreon.com slash Dungeons and Dads, or you can throw five bucks at us for tickets to the virtual online event. You can find all the details on our website at dungeonsanddaddies.com. That's our website. Our Twitter is Dungeons and Dads. Our subreddit is Dungeons and Daddies. Our next episode is June 15th. So we will see you then.

Guys, really quick. I leveled up and I feel like I lost hit points.

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