FETCH QUEST - Ep. 1 - All Dogs Go To Faerun
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That's BlueNile.com. Fetch Quest is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for big dogs. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Fetch Quest. Fetch Quest.

Welcome to Fetch Quest, a Dungeons and Daddies mini-series about three dogs and a cat who get sucked through a portal from our world into a magical, dangerous land.

of high adventure and have to find their way home. It's a little Lord of the Rings. It's a little Homeward Bound. I'm Will Campos, your dungeon master slash alpha dog. Can I get a woof woof from my pack? Woof woof. This is too early. I'm not an alpha dog. I'm a beta cuck.

No, I feel good. If I can call Anthony my daddy, I can call Will my alpha. My dog. I'll call him my dog. My dog. I'm your dog. It's a dog. Bark, bark. This, if you're tuning in, if you're listening, which you are, this is a little- On your AM radio. On your AM radio. We're blowing up some Steam post season one of Judge the Daddy. It's a little fun mini arc here. This is aftercare. This is aftercare for the main podcast. We're doing a little mini thing right now while Anthony's prepping season two. So this is to- Cleanse the palate. Cleanse the palate.

when's the palate you know this is an adventure you guys talking like this is small before we started he was like will make sure you apologize for what you're doing before you start that's the way to start the energy i did not he said that word look you've heard the concept it's time to meet these lovable pets why don't we start to my right here oh god okay mr matt arnold mr matt arnold tell us about your dog hey everybody my name is matt arnold i'm playing donut an 11 year old black

lab who's lived his entire life at a truck stop lovely yeah that's all you gotta know oh we need a dad fact okay

A dog fact. I specifically requested a dog fact from everyone. I thought of one. I'm just, I'm never first. My doggo fact is... Really quick, this is a disclaimer. Beth has requested a moratorium on the phrases pupper. And doggo. Doggo. We'll see about that. Can we still boop the snoot and do me a snooze? Okay, what are they called, Beth? Are they called dog facts? Yeah. Okay, my pupper fact is...

Donut's least favorite time of the year is like the week after his birthday because he's a dog. So he doesn't understand what birthdays are. He just knows every once in a while, like he gets like a big cake and like all these presents. He's like, oh, this is great. Like, this is like my life now. This is the best. Okay. Like, this is wonderful. And then for the next seven days, like what happened? Where's my food? How many birthdays?

presents is normal to give a dog because the truck stopped the people stop okay yeah he said the truck stopped they said she just gave him like four glazed donuts okay and he just chows down he just has a great time everybody there knows about donut and they all love him and he just has a lot of food and then the week after that he's just depressed he's like what happened like i thought everybody liked me but i guess not it's like me after my birthday yeah well you know that's why you got your presence that's just me all year round all year round freddie just you guys can go i'm not the traffic cop you guys fucking figured out yourself ah

Not so easy on that side of the microphone either. Let's stop micromanaging this podcast. Hi, my name is Beth May and I play Cookie. Cookie is a two-year-old whippet. Look up what a whippet is. She's a spy dog, meaning that her master, Agent Cody Banks, is a retired spy dog. You fuck ass. You piece of shit. You piece of shit.

You fucking garbage troll. God damn it. Her master. I have to go after this bullshit. Her master, Agent Cody Banks, is a retired spy looking to reconnect with his family after years of doing horrible, horrible things. Ha ha ha.

That's true. As you got to figure, Cody Banks grew up and just became a grizzled spy who probably did a lot of dark shit. Cody Banks is 75 and trying to find his, like, estranged daughter feel old yet. Oh, God. Okay. Fun fact about Cookie is that she's a good girl. I'm Anthony Burch. After hearing that, I really want to just rip up this character sheet and just say canonically scrappy-do. Okay.

No. Scrappy the boo! You just have to deal with that for three full episodes. But no, Je m'appelle Beignet, a French poodle and Instagram star. Beignet's dog fact is that Beignet's favorite food is grapes.

Because that's not good. Because Beignet's mother, yeah, if you have a dog, don't ever feed them grapes. But Beignet's mother accidentally fed her a grape once. And while she was filming Beignet, Beignet like projectile vomited it just on the beat to a Bruno Mars song. And that went mildly viral and it made Beignet's master really, really happy. So Beignet started going out of her way to try to eat grapes to make her master happy. And it just meant she vomited a lot. But she's like, no, no, no, I love grapes. Wow.

Wow. It is the food of the... A true French lady to enjoy wine. Oh, yeah. I didn't know about that one. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Mochi, the American bobtail cat of the group. A cat? This is a veterinary office cat. It was a stray, stumbled in, and thinks of himself very much as the Patrick Swayze of the group, the bouncer, the one who keeps the peace. Like a ghost. Yeah, exactly. Mochi's cat fact this week. Mochi's full name.

Mocinius!

descendant of a long line of Latin Roman cats and the great Egyptian cats of old. Those are two different places. They intersected in the ancient world, my friend. Hello and welcome to a History of Roman Cats podcast. I'm your host, Freddie Wong. Freddie, tell us about the overlap of Egypt and Rome. So even though Mochi's American Bobtail cat breed, they believe that they are, you know,

Have a long lineage of great cats. Oh, like Anthony and Cleopatra. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so like I'm looking up an American bobtail cat right now. I've never heard of them. Like that vet like must be rich because these are like fucking purebred ass cats. Oh, looks like an American bobtail cat. Probably a mutt of 10,000. Just got its tail cut off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. No.

All right. Well, with that out of the way, it's time to start our adventure. Our story opens at the Animal Friendship Veterinary Hospital and Pet Spa in Barstow, California. It's a plain Jane garden variety vets office just off I-40 on the way to Las Vegas.

It's about 12 in the afternoon, scorching heat outside when the doors swing open. In walks a glamorous young lady with two dogs, Churro, an adorable Corgi, and Beignet. Well, Anthony, why don't you describe Beignet a little bit more for us? Beignet on her best day is a incredibly well-coiffed, well-groomed French poodle. But now she's looking a little bit long in the tooth. You can see that Corgi, the other dog, is incredibly well-groomed and adorable, has a little bow on her head.

But Beignet's looking a little bit dirty. Her nails are a little bit long. She hasn't been bathed in quite a bit. So as you guys walk in, the receptionist sees your person and full on just gawks and gets up from her seat and looks at her and says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yes, yes. This is me. It is I. She's not looking at you at all. She looks directly at Churro and at your owner and goes, blah, blah, blah, Kitty and Churro, blah, blah, blah, Instagram. And then your owner, Kitty, smiles gracefully and says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, selfie. The receptionist gets really eager and you see your owner, Kitty, pull out the little black box she always keeps in her pocket. Ah, the box. I love the box. It's the time when you stack all my face on the box.

Face box. And I put my face as close to the box as possible, stretching, show my good side. Your owner glares at you and goes, bleh, bleh, bleh, beignet down. Bleh, bleh, down. No, down. Oh, we're playing the down game. I look down. I would look down. So she holds up the little box and holds up Churro. And next to the receptionist, they all do a cute smile. And Churro just fucking looks at you with this smug little grin as the camera goes click.

and then the black box moment is over and the two of them resume talking. The reception is like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, churro. Who's your churro? Oh, good boy. Who's your good boy churro? This miniseries is going to suck because it hurts me to be this emotionally invested in a way that I never was with any, and never could be with any person. I'm already like, fuck.

That's got big Tony Soprano energy. Yeah. And so then Kitty says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Benye. Blah, blah, P-U-F. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, she's trying to learn my language. This is horrible. Blah, blah, blah, B-A-T-H. Blah, blah, blah, T-R-I-M. And the receptionist nods and goes, blah, blah, blah. Dave!

And then a man comes around the back in a, well, you don't know what it is, but I'm not going to dog describe it. It's a fucking vet tech outfit. Ah, a vet tech outfit. Ah, it looks like a dickies. I know about these from Google. It's from a dickies. So yes, he comes out in his dickies and he takes you by the collar and starts leading you away. So you look back at your owner. Oh, wait, I look back at my own now. You look back at your owner and then Dave looks up at your owner and says, blah, blah, blah, kitty and churro, blah, blah, blah.

And she goes, selfie? And they snap a quick selfie too. And then he drags your ass into the back. I look at Churro as I'm pulled away and I just narrow my eyes and I whisper in dog, you're not a good boy. I'm the only one that knows this. Oh my God. I would die for Beignet. And Churro looks back at you and goes, you're down there. I'm up here. I will not obey that order. I will not obey that order. Churro.

Cheryl proves there are bad boys. There's at least one bad dog out there. Bad dogs aren't born, they're made, but there are a lot of them that get made. As Beny goes into the back, the door swings open again, and in a flurry of activity, a worried middle-aged woman rushes in, holding a big black lab in her arms. And it's whimpering and shaking. And tell me a little bit about what's going on for Donut right now. Oh my god, I can't do this. So...

Beth is not going to be okay by the time it's her turn. So Donut, the one rule that Donut always has is he's not allowed to cross the highway, but he heard some whimpering. So he did cross the highway this morning and he found three starving little puppies in an abandoned tractor. Oh no. And he was running back to the truck stop to tell his owner about these puppies and he got hit by a car.

Oh my God. Going 70 miles per car. No, the car like slammed on his brake and hit it. So he's got like a hurt leg. I like to imagine that there's like a 70 car pile up on the freeway. You're a little banged up. There's definitely a vertical video somewhere of someone screaming as a semi truck plows through eight cars. It's a Final Destination 2 thing basically happening on the freeway that you like stopped everybody. People are going to get decapitated by logs and stuff. You're like, I got to save those puppies. And because of people like Beth, there's like 10 people dead. But they're like, whatever, as long as the dog's okay. I don't care if people die. Yeah.

Yes, Matt. Where I was like, I might kill the dog. Save 10 people. Matt, yes, that is who I am. I'm on Beth's side. The receptionist gets up and rushes over, and Terry, who I believe is the owner of Ed's, right? Yes, Terry. Terry starts talking to her in a frantic voice. She's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Terry's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ed's truck stop. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she starts handing her the dog. Oh, where's the puppies? The puppies? Blah, blah, blah, blah. That's okay, boy. That's okay. That's okay. Blah, blah, blah. So the receptionist gingerly takes you and calls out, Dave!

again and Dave comes back out hairy and he sees what's going on and he's like blah blah blah now all my people sound French because he's met Beignet Beignet has rubbed off on him so we're in Barstow France is there food anywhere yes there is a big pile of doggy biscuits on the receptionist desk next to an ornery looking cat I want to also establish that this is like very high up

Like the cat has like a, almost a surveillance camera view of the whole room. And it's just like looking down, that's no, it's just me. So as a scavenger dog, donut is very good at getting food and is always hungry, even with these puppies on its mind. So it would like to try to like shift its weight. You know, like when you try to pick up like a cat and just like goes limp, he wants to see if he can get Dave to kind of like, that's me. I thought you were chuckling. It goes limp. She has a cat. Her offense was purely getting caught.

Sorry, go ahead. Oh, nothing. I just wanted to try to essentially shift my weight so I can get my head close to that cookie jar, that treat jar. Sure. Give me a dexterity roll.

That's just an 11. Okay, so you almost get there, but no one notices, and Dave just rushes you back into the back room. And you see, as you look back, Terry, the truck stop owner, just wiping tears out of her eyes because she can't bear to see you go. As you run back, you also see the door swing open behind Terry. It's a very busy morning in this vet's office, and in comes a police officer. The police officer is holding a shivering little whippet who is covered in blood. What? I'm so cold. What?

And she's whimpering and the police officer has got rubber gloves on. He's trying not to stroke the dog to comfort it, but he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the receptionist is like, oh, I'm like, blah, blah, blah. And so she runs over. Where's Cody? I'm supposed to stay with Cody. That's pretty funny.

It's pretty good Australian accent. It's not yet, but give me some time. The cop mournfully goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

And so he gives the whippet to the receptionist who's like, oh, blah. She starts petting. She's like, there, there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she starts to go take you into the back herself. And the cop's like, what? Blah, blah, blah.

And he reaches up to you and he pulls out a gun and puts you on your bed. He unbuckles your collar that Cody Banks gave to you that says Cookie and Cody forever on it with his phone number on the back. And he puts it in a little plastic baggie and closes it up. And he's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he sits down to wait in the room.

If this was anybody other than Cody Banks, I'd be emotionally invested. Does he also take my thunder shirt? That's right. You have a thunder shirt on. He tries to take it off. What do you do? What do you do? I think I just start crying. He can't bring himself to take off your thunder shirt after seeing the pathetic display. What is a thunder shirt? It's a very tight garment that you put around an animal so that they feel secure and supportive.

It's not a cool shirt with a lightning bolt. I mean, it could have a lightning bolt on it. Cody Banks probably put a lightning bolt on it. Hand-stitched that shit after he finished the sweaty lovemaking session with Hilary Duff. What is canonically his girlfriend in the movie?

I'm just staying true to the Codyverse. If Cody said that he would always hold me tight and that if he ever couldn't hold me tight, that this thunder shirt would do it for him. Oh, no. So this is taking place after the events of Agent Cody Banks 2, Destination London. Yeah, it's really obvious. Cody Banks is old. Yeah, no, he just got shot to death and then came back for Agent Cody Banks 2, Destination London. That's the end to the Codyverse you're imagining? Implications for the Codyverse aside, as all of this is going on,

A really cozy cat is lounging in a comfy cushion atop a high-parched shelf, surveying the action. Freddie, why don't you go ahead and describe how Mochi's taking the scene in for us? Mochi yawns like a big old cat yawn and goes, there is a cast of characters this morning, hmm?

Oh my God. Fucking Jeremy Irons. So she makes eye contact with, I like to think that there's a fish, like there's like maybe a little like aquarium. What's the fish's name? Derek. Derek.

Derek, get a load of these cast of characters. That's it. Good day. Good day. So behind Mochi is the employee of the month wall featuring everybody's pictures, but they're all holding Mochi. So I feel like Mochi thinks that he's employee of the month every month. Just fucking killing it. The scene is settled down a little bit in the front room and then the door swings open and a delivery person comes in. He drops something off, spots you, his eyes light up and he goes, oh,

goodness who's this little troublemaker and the receptionist grins and goes you can understand this by the way because you're a cat yes cats can understand people they just refuse to obey them yes the receptionist grins oh that's sheriff mochi pretty much runs this place don't you mochi i hope he's not working you too hard he looks like one tough customer and the guy like mochi turns immediately with before this can even like get into physical contact turns and it's like i'm off to take a shit

And he goes, oh, it looks like he's got a little bit of a mood. Bye, Mochi. And then you jump off and I'm assuming scoot off down the way. Oh, shit. Sorry, I'm still obsessed with this, that cats just understand.

how kitty litter works. Yeah. They can also learn how to use toilets. Oh, that's what it is. They have the little like, you know, placard for the bathroom and then someone has drawn a little cat and I go in there and I, oh my God, absolutely. They're jerking off. He's like, Mochi definitely sits on the toilet, but shits off the side of the toilet and drinks the toilet water.

And he's like, this is great. I love this place. I can drink water and shit. You might think that Mochi would close the door. No, everyone in the reception. I don't think anybody thought a cat would close the door. This is actually important, though, for cat owners. Does Mochi not like it when people watch him poop? No problem with it.

Okay. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's rare. Yeah. She just stares them down. Stares them down. Yeah. He's a cat. He's also doing that weird purse lips thing that they did. But they look like Alan Rickman for a second. And straight up, there's like a child in the waiting room who's like working through a goofus and gallon and like lowers it and just through the dark window sees two beady eyes.

Yeah.

There's dogs and cats and cages. Ivermectin everywhere. Ivermectin, just a ton of Ivermectin. There's someone selling it on the black market. You're going to know exactly when this episode is recording. Dogs and cages are barking in the corner. Some of them are on IV drips. Some of them have big bandages. And there's about five vet techs just running around, like, you know, pacing back and forth in this huge bustle of activity. We'll jump in with Donut first. Donut, they've lain you down on this cold metal table. And there's this weird object lying there.

looming above you one of the vets is holding you while another one is sort of like feeling your body for broken bones but you don't know it's already asleep you're already asleep don't know i'm going to sleep okay don't it's 11 he's been to the vet a few times like once he left he's like it's fine i got a couple hours i'm good to get a nap while i can so you're fast asleep what are you dreaming

about? I'm on an endless road and there's a car in front of me. There's some donuts in the car too, but there's like three little puppies like hanging out the side of the car and as I'm running, the car just keeps getting farther and farther away. Oh my God. And what do the puppies say to you in your language? The puppies, they go, we're hungry. No. You piece of shit. The donuts are right there, but I can't eat them. These donuts, come for us. Come.

And right as you kick your legs into high gear to chase after that thing, you feel a sharp twinge of pain in your back right leg. And you wake up out of your dream and you see this vet examining your right leg and she's found a fracture. And it really, really hurts. What do you do? I'm like, oh, yeah, that leg hurts a lot. I sit up and I put my paw out, like, you know, like a high five. I've learned many times. I'm just like.

So if we could just stop this for a second. There's three hungry puppies. And she goes, oh, you knew. She just kind of pushes you back down onto the table. Yeah, you don't understand. I get it. Okay. I sit back up again and I nuzzle her nose. I go, so again, I'm going to leave.

There's three puppies. So I leap off the table. Oh no, no. Give me a dexterity roll with disadvantage. Cause you have a broken leg. I got a one. You got a one. Okay. So you just eat shit on the floor. Oh, uh,

And she goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She looks at the tech and the tech nods. And he goes and he gets a syringe out of the cabinet and he comes over to you with it. And he goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. While that's going on, Cookie, another vet is putting you in a big metal box, basically, like a big metal tub. Oh, God.

Because you're a pretty small dog, so it goes up to about a little bit higher than your head. And this vet who's got a big mask on looks down at you and turns a knob and you hear something rumbling all around you. Oh no, it's thunder. And sure enough, as you hear this thunderous rumble, a jet of water from above you sprays out of a hose and blasts you with cold water. And then this vet realizes you've got this thunder shirt on and he starts trying to take it off of you. So what do you do? I think I try to bite him. Oh, okay. Give me your bite attack roll. Okay.

A little 14. Okay. Plus two. Okay, so go ahead and roll for damage. That's a 1d6 plus one. Five plus one, six. And I'm normally a really good girl and I don't bite, but you were really scaring me. And he goes, ow! And then he raises his hand up in frustration and we jump to... Anthony, while this chaos is going on, you've been to the vet before, you've been groomed before. It's been a while.

Is this finally like some princess time for Beignet? Yeah, I think so. Is somebody doing something for Beignet? Like have they picked her up? Here's what's going on. You're sat down and there's a vet tech, this guy Dave, that just took a selfie with Kitty. And he is putting a grinder to your nails. But while he's... That's how they can clip your nails. Okay. So that's a real thing they do. It's not like you're getting tortured. Yeah. But while he's doing it, you notice he's not paying as much attention to your fingernails as he is to his own little black...

where he's looking at his picture of himself and Kitty and watching it, you know, blow up with little hearts and stuff like that. So you notice he's getting dangerously close to the quick of your nails. I'm going to try to take the phone out of his hand with my mouth. Okay. Beth is so stressed out right now.

I had no idea that it would hurt this much. I guess that'd be a dexterity roll. What do you want to make that? Dexterity makes sense to me. That's an eight. An eight. Okay, so he notices you and then he kind of irritatedly kind of scooches you aside and continues grinding. He's really not paying a lot of attention and you can feel it start to pinch just a little too deep on your paw. I'm going to very over dramatically. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like it hurts a lot, but it doesn't. Cookie, this guy is recoiling with his bit hand. He's looking really angry at you. What do you do? Water's spraying everywhere. It's rumbling. I think I just try to hop out of this thing. Okay, great. I love it. Just trying to defuse the situation and, you know, just kind of get out of here. I'm normally a really good girl and I didn't mean to bite you, but I'm really scared. Cody Banks has taught you about waterboarding.

boarding enhance interrogation cookie beware i'm gonna watch the cody banks movies and just be so informed about cody banks my references are gonna be so good yeah you're gonna get watch out i mean like i'm a dog why would i know about like actual cody banks

Give me an athletics role. I have advantage on that because I'm very fast. Oh, yes. Beth wrote that on her page. I forgot to check it, but she has advantage now. Oh, weird. I wrote advantage on all my dexterity checks, too. Wait, you said that we could pick one. I just wrote you can never die. You said that we could pick one to have advantage on. I meant you could pick a skill from the skill side, but that's fine. I did. It was athletics. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. This was give me an athletics role. That's what I meant. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Got a 13. A 13. Your dexterity is one, and then you have proficiency. So it's a plus three. So 16. Okay, so you leap into the air and land on the ground just as Donut is howling on the ground as this guy's coming over with a syringe. And Ben Yeh, you're howling in the back. It's chaos back here. And Mochi, that's when you walk out of the bathroom and see all these shenanigans going on. Oh, yeah, yeah. The sound of it definitely had the feel of like...

something's a miss. I feel like you've got like a little cat newspaper on the toilet and you like fold down the top because you're like dangerous at foot. Yeah, yeah. Who's the most out of control of the dogs? Right now, Cookie is just tooling around all over the floor. She's still got a bunch of blood on her. Water's spraying everywhere. I don't think, she's not out of control like in a permanent sort of way. She's had a rough day. Seeing this much activity and this much blood, I think Mochi's going to be like, I'll save this one for later.

Who else? Who else? You got. Who's annoying me the most? Beignet's whining really loudly. I think I'm going to go right up to Beignet and like arch my back. So I'm going to give Beignet a smack in the face. Not with claws. Without claws. Like a disciplinary smack. The exact thing that a cat would do to every dog. Yes. Freddie has multi-attack.

So give me one of your claw attacks. I feel like no claws is half damage. Half damage. Yes, that's what we'll do. Okay, so give me your claw attack. That's a d20 plus four. Wait, is it d20 plus four? Is the damage? It's the attack roll. Oh, okay. Seven plus four, 11. It's like we should have all been cats. That is not enough to beat Beignet's AC of 12. So Beignet, how do you expertly dodge this cat? I don't dodge it. I just let it hit my extremely hard poodle nose and glance off of me. And I just turn and look Mochi in the face. I go, howl, howl.

How dare you? Who do you think you are? I'm Ben Yeh. I've been on the black box many times. You're making a ruckus. It is causing quite a bit of distress. Can't you see that? Why don't you tell your man to be a little bit more careful with my cuticles? What?

The service here is absolutely outrageous. I'm already turned around and not listening. Oh, yeah, show me his ass. Yeah, I pucker my cat butthole in your direction. Disgusting, the service here. So almost on cue, right as you pucker your cat butthole,

That's where the portal arrives? We all go into it. The ground trembles. The lights flicker. Everyone stops what they're doing. All of the techs look at each other a little weird. They're like, you've heard earthquake before. They go, earthquake? And then all the animals look at each other and be like, we do not know what this is. We can't predict this, right? You guys know it's not an earthquake. Yeah, because we always sense them early. I guess cats can't do that. I put this in writing four days ago.

And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there's a pinprick of green light. Well, it's more like yellowish. This pinprick of light expands and a swirling vortex of energy appears in the room and wind starts whipping up like crazy. It's fucking chaos in here. Everyone loses their shit. And right as all of the techs are running around, you see three tendrils.

of energy snarl and weave their way through the room and like they're groping around at stuff, like feeling around. They find each one of your necks and wrap around your necks and tie tight and all of a sudden you feel yourselves being dragged towards this part. - Can I try to bite it? - Yeah, go ahead. - And only three, so Moshi's good, right? - Yeah. - Oh, cool. - 14 plus three, that's 17. - So you bite it. - How does it taste? - It tastes weird. - Oh. - It tastes like-- - And this is coming from someone who eats poop. - Yeah, like it tastes like the opposite of poop.

But you don't know what that is. Shit, I thought that was going to be deep. It doesn't taste like food. I don't know what it tastes like. It tastes like energy. It tastes like the way a squirrel tastes before you have bitten it.

Whoa. Donut loves some squirrel. It's just like, it's the anticipation, the tension is what it tastes like. Okay. What you don't know is actually, canonically, it actually tastes exactly like LaCroix. Yes, it tastes like LaCroix. That's exactly what it tastes like, lime LaCroix. If we were tasting it, if a human being tasted it, it'd be lime LaCroix. For this dog, it's unknown. I got one. You got one? Okay, so you kind of chomp, but your teeth just go straight through it. Somehow it's like solid and water. It makes no sense, but it starts dragging you towards this portal. I want to try to run away. Go for it. That's great. I love that.

Okay, I got a 13. Yours, your proficiency, it's three. 16 again. Okay. You take off, and for a second, it feels like you're going to make it straight out the door, but then another tendril comes in and wraps itself around the first one and starts pulling the first one, and the first one starts pulling you back. Or I was thinking that you could run into me.

me oh yeah if you want you can try to stop her from leaving i see her trying to leave so i'm gonna try and get in the way but as i do so i get barreled into my claws get caught up in the what is it the thunder shirt thunder shirt so my claws are stuck in the thunder shirt like dave dave you fucking fool what the hell is this i'm caught this is bullshit this is against procedure

Ben Yeh, you find yourself getting dragged towards this thing as well. The second the light turned on, I was like, ah, yes, my key lights. That means the small black box is going to come in again. And I fucking pose. I fucking vogue. Oh my God. All four of you get dragged in. Dave sees you, Freddie. And Dave and you have this special bond. He's the one who told you. He taught you how to use the toilet. And he rushes over and he grabs you and he rips you off of the Thunder shirt. You're free. And you watch these three animals get sucked through that portal without you.

But that's fucking three dogs on your watch disappearing. What are you going to do about it, bro? Dave's booking it for the door. Everyone else is bailing. How do you feel as the sheriff of this veterinary clinic? I definitely feel like I look to the bank of caged animals and all of these inmates are like literally like averting their gaze because it's like.

prison house rules and I can't keep an orderly house in here and all of a sudden I know if I stay here I'm fucking dead.

Maybe not, but that's how I feel. Dude, you've been in a prison? Yeah, I'm pretty sure they don't kill guards on the reg. Bro, that's because it's a very fucking... It's a vet prison, though. Dog, have you seen Oz seasons 1 through 8? Have you seen Oz? I watched Oz, and yeah, I'm going to try and wriggle off Dave's grass and be like, not on my watch! Not on my watch! Alright, give me a dex roll.

Okay, yeah. So that's going to be eight plus three, 11. Okay, Dave is terrified and he's not in the mood to put up a fight with you. So when you start wriggling, he basically just drops you and runs. I always knew you were weak. Freddy, as you leap into the portal after these three dogs. I don't like that this gives Freddy protagonist vibes. Hmm.

Freddy's over here like, I'm the main character. Freddy could have just, you know, not been in the rest of the podcast also. That's what we magicians call a force. So, Freddy, you leap in and everything goes green or yellowish or whatever as time and space bend around you. Oh, it's just like this catnip bend

or I went on once. So all of you feel yourselves running and running and falling and falling. You go everywhere and nowhere. You have a feeling when you're playing fetch and someone throws the ball and you go to chase it, but the ball never comes down. And for a split second before you realize they never threw the ball, it feels like gravity has stopped working and the ball is never coming down. That's what this feels like. Donuts never played fetch unless it's food. Okay, so.

So no one knows what, all right, fine, fuck me. I definitely know what it's like. I've definitely done a couple of fake throws for the gram. No, I'm saying I understand. I appreciate the imagery and the poetry. I'm just saying Donut doesn't understand what you're saying. Okay. There's a brilliant flash of light and you wake up in a forest.

dense and lush and teeming with life. You're all basically on the ground next to each other, and everything around you is quiet. Oh. I'm going to immediately bolt up into a tree out of fear. Okay, you do that. I assume that we are doing a nature shoot. So where's the black box? I'm looking around for the black box. Oh, no, we're dead. Look, up in that tree. The target went there. Target in the tree right now. Fire when ready. How did we die? Nobody has a gun. How did you two die? Ha ha.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. So this is a black box getaway. It's what they call them. You go out to a nice area for about 15, 20 minutes. As long as it takes to take three little moments on the black box to make it seem like you've been there for a long time. And then you go back home and you don't speak for the rest of the day. Beny, as you turn around, when you say go back home, you turn around and realize the vet's office is nowhere to be seen. And nowhere to be smelled. And nowhere to be smelled either.

This whole area smells just completely different than anything you've smelled before. I'm sorry to tell you two, but we're dead. My owner said, I heard it. If I ever went back to the vet, I was going to die. So it must be, yeah, we're dead. They say opposites attract. That's why the Sleep Number Smart Bed is the best bed for couples. You like a bed that feels firm, but they want soft?

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We'll be right back.

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$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. C-Mint Mobile for details. What's that? We're dead. I don't understand. No, it's a concept. What is death? What is dead? Oh, you know, do you ever eat a bird? No. Okay. Well, that's okay. Okay.

Speaking of which, are there any birds around? Okay. So you're going to give me a smell. You're going to smell the forest. Yes. Okay. Give me a dice roll for that. Everyone gets advantage on smell checks. So if you guys want to sniff around, give me two rolls. Natural 20.

I want to do inside. Natural 20. I got a 19. Holy shit. Yeah, I got an 18. A lot of good smellers. On advantage, I mean, yeah. All right, so you smell like the normal forest stuff. You smell trees. You smell dirt. You smell pine, which is the same thing as a tree, I guess. 12 kinds of poops. 12 kinds of poops. But three specific scents leap out at you. You smell like a human-esque scent.

that leads off in one direction. You smell a dog scent. Not one of the dogs around here. It's got kind of a puppy smell. You smell that kind of, you know, going off in a different direction. It smells different than the three puppies I know. Yes, it's not the same puppies. But then you smell something, something amazing.

Something that smells like, it's hard to describe. It smells like home. It smells like belly rubs. It smells like your favorite treat all wrapped into one. It's kind of this weird, ever-shifting, beautiful smell. And so those are the three things you smell, like right off the bat. If you want to look around, I can describe the environment for you as well. Is there anything that I see up in the trees? Oh, yeah. That's perfect. It's actually up in the tree. So for one, you see a nest of baby birds. Salivating right now. You see Evan Hansen. You see.

What? Sorry, go ahead. Is it a tree that grows 40-year-old fruit? Wait, does Donut also see the birds? No, you do not. They're pretty high up. But Freddie, when you look down, you see where you arrive. Someone carved these circles in the dirt.

It's like someone dragged their paw in the shape of a big water dish like a couple of times. Oh, interesting. And then you're seeing like these lines in the dirt as well. And they all seem to be converging on one point where you guys all arrived. Well, I'm going to go eat those birds. Okay, so you are attacking these cute little baby birds in this. Hey, it's nature. How young? How innocent? Oh, God.

That's how I can't. You're going to have to put one of those little, what's the dish where you put the little curtain over your head? Yes, yes, yes. To hide my face from God. So give me an attack roll. An orterling sparrow. Oh shit, I was going to do this. We forgot to roll for your HP. So now that we're in the fantasy world, we got HP now, right? Yeah, now that you're in the fantasy world, you have hit points. So for those of you playing along at home, this is kind of how we did this is I looked up a mastiff, like a mastiff dog and a cat.

And so that's your basic stat block to start this adventure. And then I gave you guys the ability to futz around with some of your ability points. So everyone's got a little bit of a different build. So basically, here's what we're going to do right now. Everyone needs to get a dice for me because we're going to roll your hit points. For the dogs, I need you guys to get a D8. And Freddy, I need you to get a D4.

Oh, 94. You got a four? Yeah, baby. All right. Well done. And then you have, what's your constitution score, Freddy? Nine. That's a minus one, I believe. Really? So you have three hit points. Okay. So Freddy's got three. Everyone throw them bones. Ooh, baby, baby. Don't mind if I do. Eight. So eight plus your constitution score. So nine.

A nine. Hell yeah, I got eight too. Fuck, holy shit. Unkillable dog, dog will never die. I got five plus zero. So you've got nine, Beth, you've got nine as well. Okay, that was, I was really hoping you guys were all gonna roll really low and it would be very hard. Damn, that's, you know, the dice tell the story sometimes. Sometimes the story's fucking boring. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I'm the oldest pup. I'm the oldest dog. It makes sense. I got the... Okay, yeah. So, Freddy, make your attack roll on these birds, I guess. Yes. This is your bite, by the way. Yes. So, I got a nine minus two, seven. You lunge at these little birds and they just start screeching like crazy. And then they fall out of the nest and die and they land on the ground. And I look down and I go, that's just what death looks like.

So we're on the ground? I don't understand. We're on the ground a lot like... No, look closer. What is that? Some sort of sigil at your feet. Donut is going to open his mouth and start eating a bird. Oh my God. You eat the birds. I eat the birds. That was mine. That was a feast for me. I only ate one. Do any of you want more birds? No, thank you. I've got a tummy ache. What sigil? What's a sigil? Hmm.

I only know 165 words, which is the top amount of words that dog intelligence allows for. Intelligence is one of those. What is a dog?

A dog is what I am. A target is what that cat is because he's a spy like me. There's a big secret about me is that I'm a spy. What's a spy? I'm a secret agent. Oh. I don't know who that is. Look, all I know is that clearly there's been some sort of accident. I think they are setting up crafty maybe. I can smell, I smell humans and I think that maybe my master might be there. So I'm going to go ahead and head off in the direction of the humans, man, if you wish to join me. That's what they want you to do? Uh,

yes, because they want to see it. Oh, whatever spies are, you must not get the little black box. I am Benny. No, no, I'm not Kitty and Benny. Uh,

I'll do the pose. Watch. And then I do the patented beignet pose. Oh, wow. You're really famous. Oh, click, click. So this one knows me. Yeah. Often when they give me donuts, they show me funny pictures and I've seen you. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. That's, oh. What is the signature pose? Basically, she begins to walk away and all of a sudden she stops. All four legs go in different directions and then she just turns around at the exact same time with a cocked head. Oh. It's very like Oliver and Company. Aw. Aw.

What can you do? What do you mean? I can do everything I can do. What's your trick like that? Huh? What's your trick like? Yeah, I mean, nobody's going to give me anything for doing that, so I'm not going to do that. Oh.

What do you do? I can run really fast if you want to see. Oh, you want to run? I can run fast too. Okay. Ow! I take a step and my leg hurts. Oh my god, what happened? Oh, my leg. Your leg looks broken. It looks like it is bad. You know those, yeah, the car. I got hit by a car. I wasn't chasing it. I was, yeah. Do you smell that puppy? You want to go get the puppy? Ew. Ew.

No. Disgusting. Okay. I'm supposed to be looking for a human, so I'd like to go that way. But I'm open for discussion. I'm also going for the human. So we are in accord if you want to join us. Okay. It's not a big deal. No, it makes sense. I mean, it's obviously not the puppies I'm looking for. So you're just going to drag yourself forward on your front two paws or should we find some way of helping you along? Or how is that going to work? I just won't step on it. Okay.

I'm a spy dog, so I know how to use a bunch of technology. Here's a stick, and then you can just put it next to your leg, and then you can walk on the stick like it's your leg, but it's not your leg, it's a stick. I try to do that. Okay, give me a dexterity roll. Ah, the use of tools.

Something dogs are well known for. 15. Okay, this dog. That's upsetting. Yeah, I guess. Plus one, that's a 16. Holy shit. All right. He must like find something that can tie this stick to his leg. No, it's just a stick that has like branches that grows in like little loops. Oh, wow. It's just perfect. We're in Magic World, so. Oh, yes. Okay. Yeah, so you pick up this stick and you like that Bart Simpson slingshot stick. Yeah.

It's like one of those. And like, it does like kind of wedges in on your leg. Okay. And like, it's not helping that much, but like, it is like, you know, it's there. And then there was some like loose binds on it. So like they kind of tangle around your legs. So you've got like a sort of crude. Hey, thanks cookie.

It hurts, but you know, at my age, kind of everything hurts all the time, but it doesn't hurt so bad. Oh, good. Not depressing at all. I sniff both their butts. Should we all roll for a butt sniff to see how much we like each other? Yeah, roll a dice to see how that goes. What is that, like insight? Yeah, roll insight. Give me an insight roll. I got special insight. Insight with advantage. Oh, nice. Oh, 17. I got a 19 again. I don't know.

don't believe that my butt sniff for cookie was 18 plus 3 21 my butt sniff for beignet was a 13 a 13 plus 3 okay my butt sniff for cookie was 18 my butt sniff for fucking i almost said daryl for

Donut? Donut. I was 17. Okay. My inset... My insight... What? My incest. A lot of pure... Red dogs have incest issues. My insight for Donut was 18, and my insight for Beignet was 14. Good news, you're all best friends now. Oh!

So much squeeze for that juice and it was worth it. And you all know each other's names from smelling each other's butts so good. Oh, great. Donut, pleased to meet you. Nice to meet you as well. It's Cookie. Hi, Ben Yeh. I smelled it in the accent that I couldn't quite figure out how to say it. Yeah, I'm from America. Oh!

That describes your disgusting accent. That explains it. Yes, yes, yes. Do you three, I'm a little old for it now, but do you three like to chase cats? We got, we got a good one right there. Oh, let's kill it. It's sensing immediate danger. Only his targets. Okay. Yeah, let's do it. Spy targets. Oh,

Excuse me, kitty cat, come down and we'll kill you. We won't kill you. We just want to get some information. That's what my master used to say. Oh, good idea. We will talk, but I will talk from up here. I have no intention of getting near to you smelly mats. Freddie, as you say that, the tree you're in begins to groan and shudder and two big fucking eyes open up and look at you and they just go.

Get the fuck off of me, asshole. Or what, bitch? And then it just fucking sneezes and you go flying off of the tree and then the tree just gets up and walks away. Is the tree hot? The tree is very hot. Like nice. Big old bodacious buns. Just like. World building, baby. So since you're a cat, give me a dexterity roll with like triple advantage for sticking this landing. Damn. It's also the world's biggest walking like stick. We should all be chasing it. Yeah. 16. Okay.

Okay, so you land. I land perfectly, gracefully. I blade pose! I blade pose! I run for the cat. I don't think Cookie chases him. I think Cookie's just like, oh, I have to see that tree. Everything that I thought that I knew, I don't know anymore.

And I'm sorry for trying to explain things because I just really don't know what's going on anymore. I go, all of you shut up and wait. I mean, I chase after. I was beginning to chase after the juicy ass on that tree because it's a big old stick. But then you said wait and something about your voice made me stop. Freddie, give me an intimidation roll against Matt. Three, two, one.

Six. Okay, so Matt, you lunge at him, but then he mad dogs you with his glare just enough that you skid to a halt. You're like, this is a young spry cat. Mad cats, yeah. He mad cats you. It feels weird to kill you when we're already dead. I don't think we're dead.

Look at the ground. Look at the ground here. That means when you don't come home anymore, and I don't think we're going to get home, so this has got to be dead. I have a responsibility to you three numbskulls, and we're going to make it back. But first, we need to discover where the hell are we. You think we're in hell? We could very well be in hell. If you look around, I'm already like a football field away. I'm going in the direction of the humans now. Good, good, good. All right, so what do you guys do when you see Benya walking off? I'll go in that direction too. I walk slowly. Now, son of a bitch.

So, Benye, just alpha your desire to take over this team. I take a look at the thing on the ground as we go because I don't want to be left behind here. Okay. Because the forest is scary. You guys follow this human. Wait, what does the sigil? I haven't looked at the thing. Oh, yeah. Hell is one of the 165 words I know, too. They wasted one on hell, huh? All right. You know what? Freddy, give me an intelligence roll. Let's see how you do. You.

You've got a minus four to intelligence. So that'd be a five minus four. One. So one is I was there with Mochi. I want to also look at this visual. I don't get D and D with like the wisdom versus intelligence. Cause I was doing like, I'm a smart dog since like, I've just seen so many people, but intelligence is knowing that tomato is a fruit wisdom is knowing not to put tomato in a fruit salad.

Wow. That doesn't help at all. This is like Arcana. With the Street Smarts Intelligence's book. I got a natural 20 minus four. No, it's a natural 20. So are you fucking kidding me? All right. Donut's whole thing is supposed to be he just knows a lot. Okay, so this is like some eldritch, like when humans understand Cthulhu for a second. But back at the truck stop, Terry, she has her own black box that she stares at. It's a little bigger than the other black box.

But when you're looking at that black box sometimes, you see like a little world in there that kind of looks like this one. And there's like a person running around and like there's like bolts of energy flying off of them. It's World of Warcraft. You see her playing World of Warcraft. And like dogs have a limited ability to understand World of Warcraft. And you understand that this is like when she steps on a thing in World of Warcraft and there's a big flash of light. And then she's in a different place now. It looks different.

And that's what this reminds you of with your natural 20. Yeah, it doesn't really bother me. So I just follow. Come back. You seem to have gained some sort of insight. What did you see? No, wait up. Damn it. No, we should just go check out on the humans. No, damn it. Don't worry about it. It's just a black box thing. I will get your secrets out of you. Can everybody give me a perception check?

That's a 17. Is it getting dark? It is getting dark. It's starting to get dark in these woods for sure. 16 plus three because that's wisdom. So 19. 11. 10. Benji and Donut. Benje. Benji. Benji. Benje. My friends call me Benji. Benje and Donut, you guys hear a rustling and like some twigs snapping in a nearby bush. And then when you smell just on your scent, you can smell that puppy smell. There's a puppy.

As you make that noise, very timidly, you hear the bush shake and this little puppy comes out and it is the saddest, scrappiest, licking little piece of shit you've ever seen in your life. It's like a little sad mutt. Can't be more than six months old. It's looking emaciated and shivering and scared and goes, don't hurt me, please. Don't hurt me. Oh,

Oh, come here, little guy. I'm plenty warm. And I lay down, you know, curled up, like kind of presenting like, you know, just come cuddle. Let's get warm, buddy. He's very timid and he starts to approach you and he says, oh, I've been wandering around these woods for days. I'm so scared. How did you guys get here? I'm going to smell his butt. Give me a perception check. 19. He smells like a dog, but he doesn't smell like any dog you've ever smelled before. Like there's something different about this dog. Your hackles raise up a little bit. Hmm.

Everyone, my hackles are raised. I don't know what that means. You can share my Thunder Show with me. Oh, that's okay. That's okay. I'm just going to keep my distance for now. But what are you? How did you get here? I'm here to see the VGB. Aren't you guys here to see the VGB? You're going to need to elaborate. The very good boy. Oh.

Oh, I mean, I'm a very good, nice to meet you. I'm a very good boy. I'm a good girl. You guys aren't though. No, okay. You really don't know about the, I mean, I'm sure you're all very good boys and girls, but you don't know about the very good boy? Every dog around here in Faerun knows about the very good boy. If this is some sort of clubs, then I need to be a part of it.

I also need to be in the know because I'm a spy. That's a secret, though. Don't tell anybody. Wow. A spy? What's a spy? Sorry. Yes? This isn't heaven? No, you're not dead. You're in the magical forest of the very good boy. Oh, we need to get back to the... Where we come from. Yeah. Where do you come from? If I'm to base the answer solely on what I've heard the most, we come from Instagram. And as of lately, TikTok. As of... TikTok.

I don't know what it's called. It's just, I'm promised to get a treat after we come back from it. Listen, this is the magic forest where the very good boy lives. So the very good boy is the greatest dog of all time. He came from the stars one day. That's what they say anyway. And they say he lives in this forest and he can grant...

a wish to any dog that finds him. Personally, I wish I could join his pack that lives in these woods with him. I'm so lonely. So why don't you ask him? Well, that's just it. I can't find him. I've been looking around and, you know, I'm pretty good at smelling dogs, but they say that dogs from around here, maybe it's just our noses aren't attuned the right way, but we can't find him. But, oh, I hear he smells amazing. I hear he smells like home and belly rubs and your favorite treat. No.

Oh, I smell that. I smell that too. You guys smell that? Yeah. Wow, you really aren't from around here, are you? I kind of live all over, you know, like travel around. Well, I don't know how you guys can smell them, but if you can really smell them, then we'll...

Can I come along with you? I just, I don't know if I'm going to make it out here on my own. I ran away from the circus. Hold on, hold on. Pet huddle really quick. Just so everyone can get in here. One moment. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Pet huddle, yes, yes, yes, yes. Pet huddle, okay. He did not smile like a piece of shit. So if he is lying, it's not going to be too dangerous, I don't think. I'll just say yes. I will vote squarely in the no category. We have enough.

As it is. We don't need another one. I mean, we're going to eat you. What the hell? Actually, yes, now that we're in this huddle, we're very close to the cat. So why don't we just kill the cat right now? No, I think the cat's fine. Yeah. Yes, I like this one. Well, you're a target, but that means you have information, so it can't eat you. He might lead us to more cats. Sure. Yes, that's right. That's true. What this one is saying. Cookie. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes, you can't harm me. Okay, well, if you don't trust him enough, we could just go in the direction, and if he follows us, he follows us. There's no skin off my puppy nose. As my master, Agent Cody Banks, used to say, if he dies, he dies. LAUGHTER

Ben Yeh, an old dog like me can tell when, I mean, it's pretty clear you've been on that black box a lot. You seem to know what's up. I mean, I think you're the master right now. Have you just... Oh, I know. That was obvious. I didn't think that was even up for debate. Sorry to interrupt your pet huddle. I did sniff all your butts while you were huddling, and it seems like you're all swell dogs, Cookie and Ben Yeh. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I thought you had problems with smelling. I mean, I had problems smelling the very good boy. That's what I meant. I can smell you guys just fine, you know? And frankly, Benny, I think you could use a B-A-T-H. That's what we call it here when you clean yourself up a little bit. I think you could use a C-H-A-N-G space I-N space A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E. Could you say that if it's one of the 160? A change in attitude. Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm sorry. It's been so long since I've eaten anything. It's getting really dark, and this forest gets really scary at dark. So maybe if you guys can help me find the very good boy, maybe he can help you guys get back home, and he can help me. I take one of the half carcasses of one of the little baby birds, and I bring it over to him. Oh, God, that's right. Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah, that looks really good to eat. You wish for sustenance. Eat it. Consume it. Eat it, you pussy. Do it. Prove you're not.

pussy. You want to join our gang? He's a bird. Okay, okay. Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth. He chows down on the bird. He turns ill the second he starts eating it and he throws it up and he goes, oh, I'm so sorry. Oh no, was that great with that bird?

No, I just, I don't know. I've seen this happen to KGB members before where they eat poison. I don't know what KGB means, but he could be poisoned. You know of the killer good boy? He lives in a different forest. We don't go there. No, but could I do anything for you? I just, if we could get going, I'm just really scared. It's going to start getting cold. And like, you know, maybe if we find the very good boy, he can give me something better to eat than a dead bird. Well, let's go off against

The good smell. It's a weird good smell. You're saying it'll give us a... What's a wish? A wish is like, you know... Oh, oh, oh. I'll take this one. So you know how sometimes your master will bring back something that is very expensive and when you pee on it, they get angry? And then sometimes they'll bring back something that looks like it but slightly different. And if you pee on it, they don't get angry? The second one is from Wish. Oh.

Oh my God. Holy shit. So Anthony, you get dogging inspiration. Wasn't that funny, but I got inspiration out of it. Oh, uh, yeah. Okay. Well, if that's the case, I started limping over there.

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See store for details. All right. So you're off to go see the very good boy. This is almost as good as a cow ride. It's a regular ride. So basically, you're going to be following the scent through this twisty, turny forest. And you go along for a little bit. You're hearing spooky sounds. You're seeing strange sights. The forest is trying to shift around you. But now that you've got that scent in view, it's like you can't be fooled by it until you hit this magical grove full of fruit bushes that

of all different kinds of grapes. There's strawberries, there's blueberries, there's all sorts of stuff. And in all of these pungent scents, you start to lose the scent of the very good boy. It starts getting mixed in with all the other scents. So there's no catnip. There's tomatoes. There are tomatoes. That brings us to our very first smell challenge. What? What? So Will has a brown paper bag full of things that he's currently rooting around in. This is...

What? What looks like a bunch of paper bags. Okay, so here's how this is going to work. I have some scratch and sniff stickers of various fruits, and I'm going to need you guys to smell them and then agree on which is which to kind of sort your way through this smell maze. You can figure out which one's apple and which one's... I've got the list of them. We've all been vaccinated, just in case you're...

wondering that's why you guys all have separate bags oh perfect these scents are cherry pineapple cotton candy cotton candy is a fruit and faerun apple and strawberry great not just another vape flavor cherry pineapple cotton candy apple and strawberry everybody close your eyes okay we're gonna start with the first smell okay start scratching start sniffing okay all right oh okay that's definitely strawberry

It is the from bar. Strawberry or cherry? Wait. I think it's cherry. It's cherry. You're right. It's cherry. It's definitely not strawberry. Significantly less strawberry. Yeah, it's not. I guess it's cherry. I think it's cherry. It's cherry. All right. I'm pulling out the next one. Number two is pineapple, I think.

Nope, that's 100% cherry. Fuck yeah, that is more cherry. No, this is the cherry one. I think the first one was strawberry then. Yeah. My instinct was strawberry for the first time. Yeah, this smells like cherry red vines or Twizzlers. I'm going back to the first one then. What the fuck? Now I don't know what it smells like anymore. They lose it after one scratch.

I do not know the third one. Do you guys want to move on to number three? Yeah. Either way, two is definitely for sure. Two is 100% cherry. I think it's apple, the third one. The fuck is that? I think it might be cotton candy. That's not cotton candy. It's pineapple. Pineapple. For sure. Is this pineapple? Yeah. Okay. Number three? Your confidence convinces me. Okay. Number three is pineapple. Okay, we're going to guess pineapple for that. Okay. Okay. This is exciting. This is exciting.

Hit me with that. I'm having fun. Number four is vanilla. Well, vanilla is not an option. Maybe it's cotton candy then. Yeah, but it absolutely is vanilla, but cotton candy. What the fuck? I think the last one's apple. I don't smell anything from that. I think the last one's apple. Yeah, I don't.

The last one is cotton candy. I think that's it. Yeah, I think this one is candy. I'm going to my last one now. I think it's apple at the end. Yes. Last one is apple. Last one is apple. Okay, so we're saying strawberry, cherry, pineapple. Let's double check. I want to double check one and three. Cotton candy, apple. All right. We have a quorum. Who wants to be team leader and tell me what the group guess is? Benji. Benji.

Yeah, it's me, Benji. Take it away. All right, so Benji's guesses for the team are one is strawberry, two is cherry, three is pineapple, four is cotton candy, and five is apple. Five out of fucking five. Yeah! Nailed it! These do not smell like any of these things. Yeah.

Yeah, it's sort of an abstract game of trying to guess what the manufacturer thinks that those smells are. As you sniff your way through, you guys are able to, by hook or by crook, make it through. Yeah, you guys can chow down on whatever you want. Yeah, I eat pretty much everything I can. Wait, but what are the fruits that we can't eat? Oh, do you know them? Make an Arcana check. I definitely eat a grape. Okay, well, that's... Give me a constitution roll.

Grapes, by the way, like your dog could just eat one and not know it's a bad thing and then just die from one grape. Yeah, don't ever have one of your dogs have grapes. Don't ever do this. I got a 16. You got a 16? All right. You're able to hold it down. Wow. I'm like, aw. Because I like to pause where I vomit and my mask gets all heavy. You can vomit if you want to vomit. Give me another constitution rule. At the moment I think I see Benny take a grape, I slap him. Oh!

Oh, what do you got me? Bitch slap. Yeah, where do you slap me? Roll for bitch slap. Yeah, give me an attack roll. Guys, you get it? I got three. I got that. Oh, like a bitch. Yeah. I got three. Okay, well, you kind of... Okay. Hey, those kill you. No, no, no. Nothing can kill Benye, but Benye. You're now a god to me.

To donut. He's seen dogs die from grapes. By the way, no citrus fruits. No citrus fruits. Bad. And also grapefruit. Bad. By the way, your puppy companion is very impressed. He's like, wow, that's amazing. Yeah. So which way do we go? Oh, it's this way. Okay. So you head off back into the forest, back into this...

twisting, shifting maze. Oh, wait, just real quick. Yeah. Do we level up? No, you do not level up. Not yet. It does hurt to hear no to that question. Are we all level one? Yeah, you're all level one right now. You're level one cats and dogs. Okay. Give me a perception roll. 14. So 14. So...

Freddie, you see... You know that moment... They do this in all the dinosaur movies where the guy thinks he's just in a divot, but then he realizes he's in a big-ass paw. You realize you're in a big-ass dog, but this dwarfs your entire size, this dog paw. So wherever you are, you're getting close. Fucking Clifford shit. So you follow, I'm assuming, the direction of this paw, which seems to be going in the direction of the scent. And you happen upon...

It's like almost the opposite of the Berry Grove. This is clearly like a dog's snack grove. And it smells amazing to you guys. There's moldy old cheese. There's like rancid bacon. Just miscellaneous garbage strewn all over the place. And these smells are incredible. I'm so scared right now. But once again...

You lose the scent of the magic dog. God damn it, no. We have to scratch a rancid bacon fucking scratch and sniff? So it's time for round two of our smelling game. Oh my God, I can't believe you did round one and two back to back like that. That's so funny. Can we get some coffee to like clear our nose palates? Yeah. Is this gonna make me break vegan? You do find...

A little pouch of coffee. Holy shit! Oh my god! Holy shit! He was ready, bro! Is that a thing for scents? Yeah. Do you ever go to like a perfume place or anything? No. I'll pass this around. They smell coffee. You smell coffee grinds. You guys want to take a whip of coffee to clear your nose palate. So for those that don't know, in between smelling things, you smell coffee grinds to clear your nose palate. Wow, I love that. So this time, it's a little easier. You're only trying to give me three scents. This is stinky cheese. Fuck.

garbage is one of your farts and rancid bacon i hate this i don't like this at all stinky cheese garbage and bacon fuck all right i have it in my hand fuck i don't want to do this my guess is that's gonna be the garbage god fuck god oh that might be stinky cheese that might be stinky cheese cheese

My instinct is definitely cheese, for sure. I think that's cheese. That's not even, it smells like good cheese. It smells awful. No, it just smells like blue cheese. And it's like, I'm allergic to cheese. This is awful for you to do this. It's that plus this weird, you know, extraction sift chemical. Paint a description of these smells for our listening audience. Number one is a sharp ass fucking pungent, like,

I don't know how to describe it. Have you ever thrown blue cheese in the trash can and then later you just open up the trash can? It smells like that. Yeah, that's exactly what it smells like. Yeah, I guess. It's bad, but it's not like that. All right, number two. Number two. Okay, number two. Ooh.

It's either garbage or rancid bacon. It's kind of a burning rubber. Oh, that smells like bacon. Bacon. I think there's a sort of a rancid burning rubbery. I want to compare this and get to the next one because this is just awful. It smells like bowling shoes. It smells like bowling shoes. It smells like bowling shoes. Number three is really close to number two. It smells like bowling shoes.

Number three? Okay. I think number three is bacon. I cannot tell the difference between two and three. Three is for sure bacon, two is for sure garbage. There's a little bit of a meaty tang. God damn it. Ugh.

You can smell the meat in front of you. You guys are overreacting. I could do a burger right now from smelling those three things. Give me a stinky cheese, rancid bacon, and garbage burger from In-N-Out, the worst burger place. You know what the worst part is? I was going to go compare two to three, but then I accidentally picked up the stinky cheese one unexpectedly.

Smelled the cheese and I just like where'd I put the coffee? Benji you want to say what the so Ben yeah, sorry Okay, you can call me whatever you want as long as you call me So we believe that as a first one was stinky cheese is the second one was garbage and the third one was a rancid back on Now my fingernail

fingernails smell like coffee and rancid me. It's a little take-home souvenir for everybody. I can't believe you've done this. No one ever gets to complain about my gimmicks ever again. Anthony is now the second best DM I've ever played with. Thank you very much, Will, for that wonderful scent experience. Man, I can smell that. Yeah, it smells bad

now actually. Activated in this room. My fingers fucking smell. So you've sorted out the smells in this stinky mess. Can I eat all the stinky cheese and bacon and trash? Sure, but you will have to take a big whiff out of each one of them again. Oh, man. And keep them. Whoa, I just did it. Feeder of the mind. No, no,

Oh, God, audience. You can't possibly imagine how stinky this is. I just washed my hands. Okay. All right, Matt. Matt, here's what we'll do. Here's what we'll do. We'll do hard mode. If you eat the stinky cheese, you will heal your fractured leg. This is magical. Very good boy cheese. However, I also have stinky markers. Okay. And if you eat the cheese...

I get to draw on you with his marker for five seconds. Oh, my God. Five seconds? That's so long. Hell yes. I know exactly where you do it, too. Dick on the face. Nick. Just literally. Can I smell the marker before you draw it? All right. You can smell the marker. Do it. Do it. Right on my nose. Right under my nose. Oh, my God. He's drawing a fucking mustache under it. Oh, no. Brutal. I'm not going to lie. It smells pretty nasty. Oh, my God.

You're right under my nose. For some reason, I was... Why was I concerned about drawing a dick on my face? Like, oh no, I can't wash it off. I'm going to be so embarrassed. No, you did it right. Donut goes hog wild on this cheese and you feel younger than you have in years and you smell fantastic. You got to eat this stuff. My legs feel great. I kick off the stick. I think that's...

Cookie is like one of those dogs that is like allergic to everything and the owners have to be like, no, she has to have this certain kind of food because her skin breaks out. Cookie steering player. Yeah. All right. Anyone else want to dive in? You guys can get a little marker present. Not even a little. Not even a little. I don't have any broken fucking legs. I don't give a shit. No.

All right. You push through the stinky garbage patch. And finally, and long last, you find yourselves in what can only be described as the heart of the forest. More like the fart of the forest. The fart of the forest. Does Frank get inspiration? No. Real life I do, baby. I carry it with me everywhere I go. Who do you think you are?

You think you fart, I do. It's this gorgeous area of the forest. There's like a tranquil lake. There's a breeze blowing through. There's like wildflowers growing and there's like another little copse of trees. And you look around and there's like all of these amazing areas where the very good boy might be. But again, it's like you're at the final level of this tricky, trippy, kaleidoscopic forest. It's like it's trying to...

keep its most precious prize secret from you and don't worry you only have one more cent to suss out and

And this is the evil. It's not going to be the easiest one yet for Matt because Matt has a bunch of stinky cheese in his face. Yeah. But I have with me some Yankee candles. Holy shit. Oh my God. Yay. You will not defile my place with Yankee candles. What's wrong with the Yankee candles? He's not going to light them. He's going to light them. I do actually, I forgot to peel them out. Do you need a tool? I have tools. Do you have scissors or something? You need a tool? I know Freddy. Beth gets inspiration. Beth gets inspiration. I don't get inspiration.

Inspiration? Fart? No, fuck off. Because fart rhymes with heart? No, Freddy. Me calling my friend a tool, though? Hell yeah. Can't do that every day. Unless you're hanging out with Freddy. It's like a double inspiration from that one. So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you five Yankee candles. You are going to have to pass them around this time. Five? Actually, we'll do three. We'll do three. Three's easier. Okay. You're going to have to tell me which...

I want to be a challenge. You're bad at negotiating. Four. Why are you my boss? All right. No, I want it to be challenging. All right, we're going to do four. We'll do four, and you're going to have to tell me, because this is like, again, like some smells like you can't even describe them. They're like almost esoteric. Oh, my God. So you're going to have to tell me which of these

is Bahama Breeze. Fucking hell. That's really funny. That's good. That's great. That's good. And the fucking build up to it. That's great. One of them is light blue like an ocean, so I'm guessing that one. I have bad news. There are three blue ones. I can tell which one's Bahama Breeze.

Matt is already a very confident man. Matt, Matt, Matt. I dare you. Okay, so you're not allowed to sniff them, but if you can guess based on what it looks like, then you... Yeah, Matt has a side bet. Matt has a side bet. Matt has a side bet. Okay, if you get right, then Jonah gets two extra legs. Yeah. He's already got an extra leg, if you know what I mean. Whoa! No!

Oh, yeah. So here's what I will do. If Matt can guess by sight alone, he gets to cancel out your guess if your guess is wrong. Okay. So Donut will be like, no, it's this way. Okay. I already made my guess. Okay. It's right there. It's that light blue one that looks like an ocean.

If I'm wrong, Yankee Candle's wrong. You chose the wrong color. If Yankee Candle's wrong, I don't want to do it. I'm going to hand the candles to Beth. She's going to smell them and then pass them down the row. I still want to smell them. I already made my sight guess. I'm not going to change my sight guess. Beth, don't take away me being able to smell five delicious Yankee Candle smells. Come on. So this is like a darkish blue.

Not Breeze. It smells like soap to me. It smells like hotel soap, but in a good way. Okay. Good hotel soap. They have hotels in the Bahamas, you know. This is the light blue one. And it smells like sweet air. Oh! That's a Bahama Breeze, baby! That's a Bahama Breeze! Sweet air! And then this...

Beth, are you a poet? Yeah, fuck you. This is like a weird blue, also a blue. It's like a teal. Yeah, and then it's melting a little bit on the bottom and it smells like

Sweet soap. So two soaps and one that is clearly Bahama Breeze so far. Turquoise was the other one, but that felt like it would be more like ocean or something. No. Anthony, you're up. Describe which color this one is. I'm asking you too. I'm colorblind. That's like the dark blue.

Wait, how would you describe it Anthony? It's a gray like a grayish purple. Okay, or blue. Yeah, all right I think that's had it on the money. This one just smells like so this one I'm gonna say is a little bit more like your mom's shampoo my mom shampoo your mom's my mom I know So now he is smelling the light someone I thought was this one is

There's like a hint of vanilla. There's some salt there that presumably is like the salty sort of beach air. Wait, you smell salt in that? I fucking love salt. I wish I could smell salt in there. Now that I know. I see. This is what Dungeons and Dragons is like most of the time. I'd play a lot more D&D. I'll tell you what. I'm going for the dark one. Go for the dark one.

I'm almost... Freddie's doing everything he can not just to say soap. He does not want to be a basic bitch and say soap like everyone else. No, here's what it is. It has a very like fabric softener feel to it. Not Bahama Breeze. It's like this is what the laundry room smelled like. This is what the laundry room smelled like when I had an apartment with a laundry room. This is the one that smells like hotel soap.

I'm uncomfortable watching Freddie smell these. He's smelling them with way more emphasis and intensity than anyone should. There's a fine line between smelling and snorting. So you should open your mouth a little bit. If we had an HR department, I'd go to them right now. Whenever you're sampling a scent, you should open your mouth a little bit so that you can get some air. No, you should. Only when you're by yourself. No, no, that's true. This is what true connoisseurs of the olfactory. I really don't.

consider myself that i would be happy to die not being a connoisseur that was the middle one this one's the light green one light blue the one i said was bomb of breeze i can't

I'm not getting anything from this, honestly. Freddy has bad smell. Did I take all the smell out of it? Can you do that? Can you snore all the smell? I'm going to defer to the group on that, but they all are just variations on like laundry room soap to me. After all that. Even with your mouth open, you couldn't differentiate between the three. How do you do it, Freddy? No, just lightly open your mouth, you fucking...

yeah so the dark one that was a dark one yeah right

Yeah, Bahamut Breeze. Just take the fucking tape off. All right, so we'll do them one by one. The dark blue was... I know I'm right because he wouldn't save it. We said it was soap. What if this is it? The dark blue was Mediterranean Breeze. Oh, fuck off. Oh, now I'm worried. Yeah, the dark blue ocean, okay. The middle one, the ocean-looking one,

beach escape. Which means that we were fucking right. I don't fucking believe it. All four of you and Matt without even smelling it correctly called Bahama freeze. Congratulations. I'm a

painter. I know those colors. I was like, that's good. I was like, what else color would he use for Bahama Breeze? I'm sorry, podcast listener, you couldn't see Matt's face when Mediterranean Breeze dropped. Because Matt not only lost his confidence, but retroactively lost all the confidence he'd had in the previous hour.

There were some people in the Discord that were like, I cannot wait for Will to DM. He's going to bring some hard D&D mechanics into the whole show. It's going to be really cool. It's going to be real fancy. Someone's going to be like, actually, that wasn't Beach Escape. So somehow, despite this strange ethereal place that seems desperate to throw you off its scent,

You all know. Again, it feels like a homecoming. I feel like Donut knew before anybody else. Donut did know. Donut's been closer to the edge. Do you know what I mean? Donut's been a little closer to death before. Oh, God. I didn't. Okay. Like, you're an old, wise dog. And as the oldest, wisest dog, you see this copse of trees and you just know that that's where the very good boy is. And you lead the group in. And as you come into the copse of trees, there's an even smaller little clearing. And you guys see...

A gigantic dog. What color is he? And he's silver. Oh. And he's got a stubby little tail. And he's got two big black splotches on his eyes. Oh my gosh, your dog. He looks exactly like my dog Roscoe, except he's really big. It's one thing to self-insert as a DM. This is my OC. Please don't steal. No. No.

OCVGB. It's an OCVGB. So the very good boy, he's curled up sleeping. So cattle dogs do this thing called shrimping where they like stick their front legs like way up and then like hook their other legs. It's very cute. Just look at that. It's also a thing that human people use to describe sucking on toes. Okay. All right. Well, that's not what's going on. I'm going to go to YouTube and roll the dice.

Well done.

Well done. Oh, my God. I like being funny. How big is it? It's a huge category. So it is probably the feel like a puppy. It looks like about the same. You know what a semi truck looks like, right? Yeah, I just go cuddle up. I just go cuddle up. You go and curl up next to it. Yeah, I go and curl up next to it. I feel like a puppy again. I clear my throat. Excusez-moi, monsieur good boy. Monsieur good boy. Monsieur bien...

What's French for boy? Madame and monsieur. Très bien, monsieur. Très bien, monsieur. Très bien, frère. Frère. So he kind of stirs, but he doesn't wake up. He seems to be in almost like a trance, like a deep slumber. I bark. Nothing happens. And as you guys are looking, you see the little puppy. Like, it just looks up at this big dog with these big eyes, and it starts, you know, sort of cautiously approaching this big sort of like, you know, nose that's breathing it out. He says...

Oh my God, it's here. After years of searching, I finally found you. We should take him away. This is going to be a trap. You're so beautiful. It's too late. And you're going to make me so fucking rich. Yeah, there we go. That's how I got there. I fucked this up. Oh, the fucking dogs. Before your eyes, the dog begins to transform into a human. Oh no. It was a druid all along. Oh, gross. And so you see. Oh!

why there was a human scent for a little bit. Yeah, and that's why when he smelled the butt, it smelled like a dog, but not a dog. Pets really are the dumbest of creatures. So you see him transform and like the blink of an eye and you see this tall sinewy man with like animal pelts draped over him and like a big raggedy beard. And he looks at all of you and he says,

I'm so sorry I had to use you like I don't know what I'm doing like a joker. Yeah. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I'm also sorry I had to use you like I did. I love animals. I really do. But only dogs from another plane of existence can follow the very good boy scent.

Not even I, Anso, a druid of the birch tree, or as we say in druidic, Anso ni birch, could accomplish this task. I rip his throat out. Yes, yes. I piss on him. We all attack at once. I rip his fucking throat out. All right, you guys want to fucking go? You want to roll initiative? Yeah. All right, let's go. Let's roll some ish. Sing Benye attack.

I'm going to give myself disadvantage because I said I was sleeping. I got a seven. Oh, I got a seven too. Plus one, eight. Ooh, initiative, 18. 18 plus three, 21. Oh God. So 11 plus two for me, 13. All right, Freddy, fucking what do you do? Just real quick, just give me a description of the area around the dogs. It's just a clearing, huh? So it's basically like a little meadow. He's all snuggled up in like this circle of trees. What's he wearing? The dog? No, no, what's he look like? This druid. This druid, he's covered in pelts. He's got like a staff.

with him. I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to go right into his ankles and then climb up and get up in his gooch. In his gooch? You're going to go from the gooch? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go from a gooch approach. Are you going to try to bite? What are you doing? Are you biting? Are you attacking? I'm going to tunnel into there and I'm going to go bite his gooch. Oh, and? Well, like under his robes. I'm assuming he's got like robes and shit. All right. So we're going to call that an attack roll. And remember, you've got multi-attack, so you can attack him three times. Yeah, it's fucked up too because I got bacteria on my fucking teeth that'll drive him insane. Ha ha ha.

all right so go ahead what that's a theory about cats and why we like cats but when we go in it's like fucking cat vision and it's like you see it all the way up his skirt okay great nice nice upskirt finally 17 17 baby 17 all right that hits 17 plus four the first one hits are you gonna go in are you gonna do multiple attacks i can do two claws on this you can do two claws and a bite so i mean a claw right in that urethra would

be the most painful. Oh no. 1d2 plus 2. That's a 1 plus 2. It's a 3 damage for the first one. 2 plus 2, 4 damage for the second one. And a bite of 1. So that's 8 damage straight to the dick. And he goes, ow, my dick! Ah, what the fuck? Ah, I, Anthony Burch, am a huge dick! Oh, it hurts, but it's really not that important. Yeah.

I can still kill you easily. You had disadvantage because his dick is so tiny. Nice. Got him. Got him. All right, so he's pissed. He's like, was not expecting you guys to go this fucking...

He's pissing on multiple holes now. It's like a shotgun now. Ew. What? It's like a fucking lawn sprinkler, baby. A lawn sprinkler. A shotgun. He's just going to stand in front of the urinal and hit the ones to his left and right. Well, it's his turn next, so he is going to attack you, Freddy. Yeah, good luck. Punch out your own dick, dummy. Punch your own dick, dumbass. Freddy, what's your AC? Twelve. Fuck.

All right. He basically takes his staff and he tries to hit you. He fucking jams his own fucking... It's not that he hits his ding dong, but because he's trying to avoid his ding dong, it's a very ineffectual attack on you. Anthony, you're up next. All right. So I'm going to bite him in the ankle. Okay.

Okay. And hope that... The ankle of his dick. The ankle of his dick. That's what they call me. And I'm going to say, your sister would have found the dog quicker. And that's going to be a 13. 13. Oh, God. Oh, God. I really should have had him cast Bark Skin before he got into this fight. All right. So that hits. Roll for damage. All right. So it'll be... These four animals are about to murder a human being. Yeah.

Dude, he surprised us with a 6 plus 1, so that's only 3 damage, but now he has to try to save with Strength Throw. Shit. Or he's Knocked Prone. I thought this guy was gonna one-shot you guys. We all get advantage against him if he gets Knocked Prone. Okay, so how does Bark work? So as far as I can tell from the bite that you wrote here, it's not very high. He only has to beat a 10 saving throw with Strength, or he's Knocked Prone. Okay.

Okay, so he's knocked prone. Yay! So he's knocked prone? Is that what's going on? He's knocked prone, which means that all melee attacks on him have advantage. Okay. And he has to spend all of his movement standing up. God fucking damn it. He doesn't have to move very far to hit us. He goes, ah, fuck, my dad, ah, what, and then my aunt, ah, and she just falls on the ground, and this is not how we saw this going. Can we understand him now in Faerun? He can speak with animals. Oh. Yeah. That's what, man, we've just seen all this shit come.

He was a human the whole time. Beth, it's your turn. Cookie just takes his staff and just grabs the stick. She takes his staff. Yes! Yes! Yeah. All right. Let's do opposed strength checks. How about that? But you don't get the advantage because you're not attacking him. You're just trying to scuff the thing.

Be warned, I'm very fast. All right, what'd you get for your strength? I got a five. Okay, he got a 14. So you did not get his staff. His staff now comes with a little cookie. He's like, grrr! Looks like Mochi got your staff though, right bro? And I go, mm-hmm, yep, yep.

Oh, you had a mouthful of ding dong. That's horrible. Donut, having lived 11 years on a truck stop, has dealt with many strays and some wild incidences. So he goes into battle mode. He's just going to go straight for the eyes. Okay. He's going to clamp down on one of them eyes.

with one of his eyes. All right. If you're doing a targeted attack, we're going to lose the advantage. That's how we'll do that. I feel like that'd be a disadvantage if you wanted to do a called shot like that. Okay. So it's just a straight attack roll. I've rolled four fives in a row. You lunge for his eye and he sees you coming and he turns out of the way just in time and you sort of just get a big old chop of grass. How did he see him coming?

Freddie, we're back at the top of the order. Speaking of coming. So I'm still in there. I'm basically... You're not in anywhere. You're on. No, I'm underneath. No, he's under his pants. Oh, in the pants. I see. He's wearing robes. Yeah. And he's a druid. He's easy. If you keep hitting him, you'll get advantage on all three of your attacks. He's free-balling. Yeah, I'm going to fucking go fucking full battery of attacks, World War II style.

his ding dong. All bites or all claws? It just gets three. All right, go for it. I'm just all three claws. Just fucking roll. Are you going to release the balls? I just want to say, I put this encounter into like, there's an encounter creator that like analyzes like, well, based on all the math, this should be. And so I literally was like, try fucking.

nerd I was like I want a fucking one shot these guys because I need to end this is the end of the episode it's gonna be like oh no and he gets away with the dog and then fuck it it was like all right one druid versus four level one dogs this is a deadly encounter this is straight up the highest hardest dark souls shit in the fucking game but go ahead there's still a pretty good chance if he gets up we're all fucked I mean by the dark souls his dick right now baby all right that was a 17 to hit he's he's 11

So just tell me if you beat 11. Yes, I beat them all. So you've hit him three times again in the penis. So that's three plus four plus one. So three plus four is another five damage, right? Dude, how much? That's like, no. Three plus four plus one, baby. That's eight damage total. That's eight damage. Okay, so you've now done 19 damage to him. Is he bloody? Dude, I've done 19 damage specifically to his dick. In season one, when we show up, that would have killed us.

We would be dead. Daryl would be fucking death saving right the fuck now. I don't know what to do about the fact that Freddy learned that this character's name was Anthony Burch and the first thing he thought was, I'm gonna take that dick. I've been designing this campaign with my sister, Marcy, who's a game design professor at USC. And she was like, what you should do is give Freddy the Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 edition cats. Because the 3.5 cat was notorious for being able to kill an NPC.

So you have done 19 damage to him. He is horrified at what is going on right now. He thought he was on top of the world. This was the greatest moment of his life, and now he's clinging for life. Oh, is he bloodied? Yes, he's very bloodied. Oh, okay. Holy shit. Goddamn right. He looks like goddamn Niagara Falls in his pants. Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you guys? So he limps to his feet, clutching his injured wiener with one hand, and with the other hand... It's gonna take two for... No.

Beth, you shouldn't laugh that hard. And with his other hand, he says, you fucking brats, you fucking awful little animals. And he casts. Dog kill. Cast entangle. A dog kill on you. He casts entangle. I'm going to need everybody to make a strength saving throw. Strength. I failed. What did you get? Three. Okay.

Negative one. I got a five. I rolled a five. Basically, vines erupt from the ground and wrap around all of you and pin you to the ground. But my dick's okay. But your dick is fine. No, it's a giant needle that spikes on it. And all cats are girls anyway, so what are you talking about? You were giving him a grapple job. So Anthony Birch staggers away, clutching his pee-pee, and he says...

Oh, God. All right. A cool thing playing. Yeah. You wish for a new dick, idiot. Yeah. Well, you know, you're going to be wishing you were never born because when they find you. Oh, I wish I could be there to see it. And he pulls out what looks like, I guess, none of you know. Guys, this is a serious podcast. He pulls out a sleep grenade.

And he spikes it on the ground. This is a real thing that I made up based on a spell. This is a real thing that I made up. I love that. If it's a grenade, is he in the... No, because he staggers away. Well, he used all of his movement to stand up. All right, fine. Well, then he does it. Fuck yes, baby. Anthony on our team finally. All right. Give me just a second.

He was working against us so harshly. He's like, all right, I can't move yet, but ooh, I'm going to use this grenade on you once I get out of range. And then he waits. And all of you can make a dexterity saving throw again if you want to try to break free from his entangle spell. Natural switch! Are you fucking kidding me? I did it!

I got five. I got five, so I'm still entangled. I got an 18. Oh, my God. Oh, my dog. From inside, I go, it's dick. Go for his dick. All right, so Anthony, what do you want to do? Donut thinks there's a ball. He's very excited about this grenade. So I'm going to, I guess, just try to bite him again, knock him down again. Okay. Yeah, I might as well just try to knock him down. I'm going to jump on that sleep grenade like a fucking metal. That is going to be...

You lunge for him and he's able to dodge out of the way. He goes, kiss my ass, stupid dog. I'm going to bite him on his hand. Okay. His fingers. The hand holding the grenade? His sixth finger. The other hand. The penis.

Should I bite the penis? I mean, like, we've done man-killing amounts of damage to his fucking groin. Wait, so what should I do? So you just attack him. Yeah, I'll just say you bite his penis. Listeners, you can fill in wherever you want. Use the theater of the mind. All right, give me an attack roll. Okay.

I got a 19. Yeah, bitch. Normally I don't bite anybody ever, but I bit someone earlier today and then it hurt them and then I hurt you even more on your penis. Okay. Roll some damage for me, please. I got a four plus one. So plus five. Okay. So he is looking like a breeze could knock him over. A Bahama breeze. A Bahama breeze could knock him over. So now he has to save against falling. Oh, yes. Fuck. Okay. Okay.

He falls over. He rolled a seven, so he falls over again. All right, we're going to do a roll for the grenade to see if the grenade breaks. Okay. All right, I got a 13. I don't know if that means it broke or not. I feel like a low roll would mean that it broke. Okay, so the grenade thuds softly into the ground because it gets caught up in the weeds, and then he's trying to feebly reach for the grenade to pull the pin out.

Damn. So that's what he's going to do on his turn is to try to take everybody out. Do we know that it's a grenade? I have no idea what it is. It's a ball. From your perspective, it's a ball. So we are now back at the top of the turn order and it's Freddy's turn. I'm going to try and break on out once again. Dexterity save against the vines. Strength save against the vines.

Oh, I'm fucked. Negative one. Okay. I go, this is bullshit! This is bullshit! Okay, it's my turn now. The druid looks at you and laughs. He goes, hehehe. Hehehe. Hehehe. Alright, so...

He is going to get up. Fuck, I guess shit. It's the same problem as last turn. He would be again hitting himself with his own grenade. So he calls out to the heavens and says, save me. This is the weeniest little druid in the history of D&D. We're going to kill this guy. He says, save me, my lady. And he slams his fist on the grenade to break it.

Or he's going to use his staff because he can see it. So he's going to try to smash it open with his staff. So he's going to do an attack roll. And you got a 19. Nice. Kiss my ass. So a big cloud of smoke erupts from...

from this grenade. Suddenly, everything's in belt. Basically, I'm basing this on the sleep spell, which has a really fun mechanic for how it works. Oh, the HP thing? Yeah. This is basically a second-level sleep spell. I'm going to roll 7d8, and that's how many hit points of sleep I can affect, or his spell will affect. So does he still get the ability to choose who gets slept by it, even though it's a grenade? We're going to go from lowest health to highest health. Ah. Okay, so...

We rolled a 19. None of you guys have been hit yet, right? No. 78? 78, yeah. You only got 19. Wow, bad rolls. Yes, you got a 2, a 1, a 1, a 6, a 5, a 2, and a 2. This guy is the weakest dude of all time. Yeah. With only Anthony Burch. At least I'm not Anthony Burch. It's all the... Oh my God. How much health does everyone have again, Ramayne? 3, 5. 9. 9. 3 plus 5 is 8. All together, we are 26. So you're not going to get all of us. 26 HP. Yes.

He has and he's in the middle of the blast. He has five H2. That was just one more fucking swipe. You're literally about to kill him. So that means he is falling asleep. So if I didn't go for his eye 19, so minus five for him is 14 left. And then who has the lowest HP of you guys? Three, three. So minus three. So Freddie falls asleep, which brings us to a little cat nap. Who has the next five? Five.

Six left. We both have nine HP, so we can't make sentences. And so then both of you stay awake. Everyone else passes out. Wow. And you see everyone just kind of fall asleep. Oh, we definitely cut a lot, Matt.

You two, yes. It's like, oh my gosh, it's like one of those where the dog and the cat sleep together. Oh my god, that's so cute. So you guys curl up, and then the second the smoke starts to settle, you hear a crack of thunder in the sky. Give me a wisdom saving throw, Beth, because you have this thunder phobia. 12. Okay, so you're able to keep your cool. It's because I'm like, Finne, do you want to cuddle too? Kind of. There's a crack of thunder, and in a flash of light...

someone appears before you and she's tall and she's elegant and she's got this beautiful mink coat on and she's got silver hair and a bone cigarette handle in one hand and a whip in the other. And she says,

Anthony, you dumb, dumb fucking idiot. I can't believe I got to bail your ass out again. And she cracks the whip and she misses. Oh, man. Stupid dogs. So I rolled to bite him twice while you were talking because I have advantage. First one was a two. Second one was an 18.

Which means I get to do 1d6 plus 1 damage. Okay. Yeah, I rolled a 4 plus 1, which is 5. Yes! So I tear his throne out. Well, he's knocked out now. Yeah, so it's even easier to attack him. Can you just kill someone? Yeah. Damn. Don't they go to death saves and shit like that? Well, I mean, if it's an NPC, they just died. NPCs don't have death saves. Oh, they don't? No. All right! All right!

I lean down gingerly to Anthony Burgess' neck and I tear his fucking throat out like he goddamn deserves. And then there's no other way for you to hear her name. Bethela DeMay looks aghast as she watches her henchman get his fucking throat ripped out and she just, her eyes go wide and she goes, who are you? I go, je suis Beignet, baby, and I do the Beignet pose. LAUGHTER

All right, Beth, it's your turn. And my name's Cookie. I'm going to bite her face. Okay. I'm going to get a running start, though. It's going to be really vicious. All right, go for it. Okay. 14 plus one, I guess. Okay, so that hits. So roll damage. We're going to kill her, too. She's going to have to save against being knocked down. Roll the one. One plus one, two.

Feels like her bites. She can knock down two. And she rolled a four. Our bites knocking people down feels like the most powerful. This is more powerful than anything we ever did in Dungeons & Dragons. It's fucking wild. It's so strong. Specifically the fact that it's four separate characters that all have a chance of knocking you down. Only three. Three separate characters have a chance of knocking you down in one go. Strength saving throw or be knocked prone. DC 10 plus strength.

It's also, it's also rolling terribly right now. He's also really terribly. And it's one bad guy action versus four good guy actions. It's like a lot, but yeah, no, this makes sense that this would happen this way. Okay. Great. All right. So she gets knocked down. So whose turn is it? What's the turn now? All right.

You guys are asleep. You guys don't get to sleep. Do we get a roll to try to wake up? How does sleep work? No, you don't get a saving throw on waking up. Sleep's actually kind of okay. Bethela DeMay. Bethela DeMay. It's her turn next because she went right after the late Anthony Burch. Right. So she gets up and she's furious and she wants to crack that whip down on you so bad. But she looks at the mangled corpse of her fucking former henchman and she says, oh, fuck this. I'm out of here. And she holds up a crystal and holds it up in front of the dog.

And another portal opens. Wow. And as if in a trance, the dog's eyes open and they're black. They're like glowing black. That's the big boy dog? Yeah, this is the very good boy, the big dog. And he walks straight through this magical portal. And she looks at the three of you and she says, don't come after me or I'll fucking kill you for what you did to my friend. And then she dives into the portal after the dog and it closes.

So we're going after, we're going to kill her too. Yeah. And then I think that Mochi wakes up and sees this dead corpse of the fucking dude that we were fighting. And I was like, I know you guys won't, but I'm going to eat his face off. Okay. So as you guys wake up, you hear a rumbling in the sacred grove around you and you hear the thumping of feet, just like, and it seems to be coming from all around you. And as you look up, you see 20 armored dogs,

dogs emerge to the forest and riding on their back are 20 armored gnomes. And the leader of the gnomes trots up on her dog and looks down at you horrified and looks at this dead body and looks at the big divot in the grass where the very good boy used to be and she goes, what have you done? Did I do that? That

Fetch Quest, a Dungeons & Daddies miniseries, is Matt Arnold as Donut, Anthony Birch as Meñe, Beth May as Cookie, Freddie Wong as Mochi, and myself, Will Campos, as the DM slash Doggymaster slash Alpha Dog. Our theme song is by Maxton Waller. Cover art is by Alex Moore. Courtney Terrand is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Chad Ellis is our editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing.

Robin Rapp is our transcriber and Marci Campos is our game design consultant. Special thanks to our patrons for supporting this show, but extra special thanks this week to Aqua Genetics, Brian Holt, Elizabeth Donaldson, Mike S., Caleb Willoughby, Mark Christie, Tom Allen, Dan Carter, Christina, Elizabeth, Oliver Del Mar, Ryder Kreider, Bill Sunderland, Joshua Archie, and Alex Lawler.

Episode two of Fetch Quest will be out in two weeks, but you can hear it a week earlier by subscribing to our Patreon. That's like seven weeks in dog weeks. Not only do Patreon supporters get early access to Fetch Quest, they also get hours and hours of bonus content like cool one shots, uncut episodes, our Talking Dad after show, and even some pretty cool exclusive merchandise.

Speaking of cool Patreon stuff, Dads Bop, the official remastered compilation of every musical intro from season one, is our latest monthly bonus of indeterminate content, and it's out now. Head on over to patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads to learn more and become a supporter today. Our next episode will be out November 30th, and it's available to patrons November 23rd. Thanks, as always, for joining us, and we'll see you next time.

just yesterday Plato's like getting old so he can't really jump as high as he used to but that doesn't stop him from jumping on me he just uses his claws how old hey we're allowed to talk about our pets no matter what for as long as we want