S2 Ep. 28 - King of the Hell
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Dungeons and Dice is brought to you this week by Hulu's Anime Ham. It's your new animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows all in one spot. Hey, what are your favorite animated shows? Will, you looking for some Family Guy? You know it, Peter. You looking for some Futurama? Oh wait, this isn't about anime, it's just animation? Animation overall, it's all kinds.

sounds freaking sweet Lois

Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grown-ups. Content warnings can be found in the episode description. Taylor's Inferno, Canto 17.

"Among the B-word sayers now we lie," my head friend hissed in ever-dropping voice. "Let's scooch on by them quick. Wait, do I spy our sixteenth president among these boys?" "And here beside him Hyrule's hero speaks of Zelda, sweet and fair, in words so choice. Let not these dudes so crude now make you weak," our teeny mascot urged as we pressed on. "A darker circle yet we still do seek. The doodler's anchor waits below, beyond."

So through one final hole with dread we leapt, and thus we reached our journey's denouement. O'er mighty thrones a pair our eyes now swept, and on one sat a demon foul and fell.

Behind my Tyson Rios mask, I wept. Oh, listener, do not ask me now to tell how faintness then and terror made me real as I saw Jody Foster, king of hell. But Taylor, to a cop, shall never kneel, nor does from death he flee nor danger fly. So if old Jody tries to test my steel, like Dante, I will make this devil cry.

Well, the Dungeons and Daddies, not a BDSM podcast. It's not. It is not. It kind of is sometimes. It's a D&D podcast, Dungeons and Dragons podcast, where we play four teens from our world who are sent on a quest to fix our world after their granddad's fucked it up.

My name is Freddie Wong. I play Taylor Swift, the anime-loving, nobody, only head, empty thoughts. Yeah, we gotta fix that. Yeah, we gotta fix that. No, I refuse. Raise your tea in the group. This week's teen fact for Taylor Swift. What was the first thing Taylor checked upon being beheaded? After, you know, like the usual things, you know, which is like, oh my gosh, where's my head? Where's my body? What's going on? It's a class of the usual, you know, BuzzFeed's top 10 things people think when they're beheaded. TikTok, when I got my head cut off.

POV, you're Taylor, and you got your head chopped off. TFW. That feel when your head gets cut off. That's me doing the TikTok voice. Please continue. Yeah, thank you. First thing he thought was, that's good. This won't affect my potential future voiceover career. Oh. Dedicated. He wants to be like his mom. He had a vision of his mom dropping him off at recording sessions in just a suitcase. Ha ha ha.

You know what I mean? Just put me up to the mic, please. Tilt me down a little bit so I can read the lines. Thank you. It's just anime gasp. Taylor will become the go-to anime gasp.

like voiceover artists for all characters in animation you'll be paid handsomely for it he's gonna be richer than everyone he's gonna die surrounded by two things the destroy voice acting or ai voices and taylor hey everybody my name is uh matthew arnold i play lincoln lee wilson the schooled at home soccer kid productive paladin of the group and my steed and your steed yeah that should be the only fact that i'm lincoln lee wilson fly like the wind remember

Hey, Matt, you've seen War Horse, right? Yeah, I love the idea that that's how Taylor sees this situation. Sort of a sea biscuit scenario. Sort of a reverse sea biscuit. Really quick fact, Lincoln makes his own Gatorade. Really? Yeah. How? With the pouch and water. Nope. Shit, that's good. Almost as dumb. He realized it was expensive to keep buying Gatorade. He thought it was really good. But his is way more expensive. He just takes Airborne.

which is, God, trust it, because it's made by a teacher. You get airborne. He puts in water and then, like, you know, electrolytes our sodium, so he just puts salt and airborne and water and then puts some food coloring in it for whatever he wants the flavor to be. And it is, it is, it is,

absolutely hideous but both of his dads drink it because they support him and that's what they baptized you in that's why it didn't count that's why you went to hell also you didn't die you walked through a portal I realized and Marco calls it better aid because it's better than Gatorade I think better aid is one of our sponsors let me just say brought to you by better aid send better Gatorade brought to you by airport it's a teacher it's gotta be scientifically accurate

Hi everyone, I'm Will Campos. I play Normally Oak Swallows Garcia. He's a perky, peppy, chippy, cheery school spirit mascot kid. I'm bringing that back. That's so cool. My fun fact about Normal this week, he's big into soups. Loves a good soup, and here's why. Because Normal believes that soup never goes bad.

He found a can of Campbell's soup and it was like expiration date 10 years from now. He's like, wow, soup never goes bad. So, you know, he'll make a big pot of soup, leave it on the stove for like a week and just kind of just come back and sample it. Does normal know about forever stews? Forever stews? I mean, yes. Normal every stew is a forever stew. But the concept of this.

Yeah, the concept is that all soup is forever. No, no, no, but the actual real life concept. Which, yes. You're ready to share the fun fact that you have. Is that when you're married to someone named Stu? Yeah, then it's forever. Until death do you part. There's no way we're getting out of Freddy telling us this. I don't know why you guys tried. When the train's coming at you in the tracks, you lean into the crash, you fucking idiots. I'm already bored of this fact. Fine, Google it, asshole. I want to know that forever, Stu, tell me. Go fucking Google it, you big dick. I really want to know. Let's all Google it. We all promise to Google this. Yes, we will.

Scouts honor. Sounds really exciting. I want to make sure my full attention is on this fact when I finally dive into it. Okay, Matt, you shut the fuck up, okay? Because one of the things that I love more than anything in my life is to eat food while Googling the food I'm eating so I can learn and nourish my mouth and my body at the same time as my mind.

You little fuck. A perpetual stew, also known as Forever Soup, Hunter's Plot, or Hunter's Stew. That's it. It's not actually called Forever Stew. It's Perpetual Stew. Go fucking eat a dick, Jimmy. Jimmy's with us, everyone.

Let's let the woman talk. What? There's a woman here? Oh, no, no. Kidder. Hi, I'm Beth May, and I play Scary Marlow, a god-punk seeker of darkness betrayer teen who is not like the other warlocks already there, bucko. Fun fact about Scary this week. I'm going to keep it simple this week. Oh, thank God. Scary's favorite sound is the sound of silence.

Followed by a slight chuckle. Followed by, oh, okay.

Which is the sound of when you've hurt someone's feelings with a joke really bad. Holy shit. Holy shit. I usually hate teen and dad facts, but that made the whole thing worth it. I told you this before. I sit here quietly waiting for the show to start while you guys do your prep that could have been on the drive over.

I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your dad. The dad fact for me this week is that if you like quirky, funny D&D podcasts, want to know about this made by some friends of ours, if you ever watched the web series Anime Crimes Division, I don't know why you would, but most of us on the podcast- Hey, fuck you, anime. That fucking series rules. I don't know why you would.

I like it too. I'm just saying most people, there's a reason we didn't get a third season and it's not because too many people watched it. But if you have seen that series that we did for Crunchyroll, Riley Rose Critchlow, who played Diesel, the cop on the show, they and some friends of theirs do a podcast called The Real Housewives of D&D, which is basically The Real Housewives of blank city, get pulled into a portal and then have to survive in the D&D world while also being very dramatic and snippy at

each other also got Nicole Whalen which again if you're a VGHS fan why wouldn't you be on that show both her and Nicole were both from video game high school big characters so many lines it's really really good I listen to the first episode it's hilarious there's multi-level marketing schemes there's like mysterious ancestors there's classic isekai heat it's great it's great so it's got two people from video game high school it's got a bunch of people from video game high school and the crimes division in it so you know it's got to be good so yeah that's it

When we last left the group, you had descended to the deepest or what you thought was the deepest level of hell after getting through the eight deadly sins. And you ran into Jodie Foster, king of hell, sitting on a throne who immediately somehow recognized Taylor behind a mask and did not recognize his son, Hermie.

So as you may have heard, we have Jimmy here. It's insane he recognized his son because also his son, the mask is the least of it. Like he's also ahead on me. Yeah. You got a natural 20 on his perception check. What do you want? I can sniff out vibes and I could tell what was happening. He sniffed out his grandson vibes. Okay, so yeah, Jimmy's here. Jimmy and I have talked about what Jody is up to and the things that he cares about over literally dozens of words in email. So I guess just go, just start talking. Okay.

This is the kind of laissez-faire DM attitude that you come to this fucking podcast with. Like, usually I would be this NPC explaining things, but, like, Jimmy's here now, so, like, good luck, fuckers. Anthony's so relieved. He's like, you went in now, Jimmy. At a certain point, I assume Anthony will go, um, actually, and then you'll actually correct me. Yeah, at some point, a fucking NPC's gonna fly in and be like, I also have information that's making me more precious.

So go ahead and wait. Gird your loins for that to happen. A little bat is going to fly in. Anthony, help me set the scene here. You know, how cool do I look on my throne? You look extremely cool, but also kind of sad, which makes you look cooler. You look like a Frank Miller Batman of like, oh God, what's he thinking? He's brooding. Oh man. And you're like thick. Thick for days. Yeah, you're just a large slab of meat that just fucking has feelings. What's he wearing?

He still has a cop outfit. It's up to you, Jody. It's up to you, Jimmy. I wonder what you think about cops anyway. You love teachers. You love authority, you know. Yeah, if there's one thing that I know about teachers, it's that they're just like cops. You belong in hell, Jimmy. They're just cops that teach you things. Yeah, they're teachers of the gun.

Which is ideal. That's the America I want to see. All things trend towards teachers with guns. Come on. So what do you look like? What's Jody look like? What's he dressed like? Jody's sitting on his throne. He does look a little glum, and he's not particularly enthused to see three buckos and one bitch stroll up to him. Whoa, that's why he's here. That's why he's here. Whoa. I've decided bucko is the male version of bitch.

I'll allow it. I'll allow it. I've got news for you. It's not. It doesn't have the same impact, but I look upon... Buckaroo, on the other hand. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a male C word.

I look around. Hermie is in the group, right? We just never talk about him on the show. Yeah, he just sometimes doesn't talk until about halfway through the episode. Somebody has to kiss him for him to show up again. Andy's getting the Joker standee and putting it on the table. He just dropped him. To remind himself that Hermie the Unworthy exists. Very nice. So I'm looking at the group of kids, including good old Taylor, as a head on Norma's shoulder. And we have Army of Two masks on. You have Army of Two masks on. Yeah.

And I... You can smell him. And I simply go, Oh, what the hell do you all want? Why are you... How did you even get here? Did you all die? No. You don't smell like dead magic? Can anyone explain to me what's going on here? You went through a hole! Yeah, you can explain to us. Look...

if it's not too disparaging to call you that. There are two ways primarily to get to hell, magic and dying. You all chose magic, which is a bit of a bummer because like it or not, this is your last time you will be seeing hell. So when we die, we're guaranteed they're going to heaven? If we die, we're automatically going to heaven? That's pretty cool.

cool. Well, that's awful. I'm not incommunicado with whatever is up there, if it even exists, by the way, but you will not be coming back here because your passage to hell, it's like a punch card and y'all punched it a little early by going through whatever magical hole you did. So welcome to hell and hope you have a good time. I am not going to heaven. Yeah, we don't want to come back. I got to admit that. Hi, by the way, I'm Normal Oak. Nice to meet you, sir. Who are you? We kind of met

No, we didn't meet. I think we heard someone give a phone call to you when we were our dads back on a misadventure some days back now, some weeks back now. So could you like, who are you? Like, just, you know, you seem to know a lot about us. We don't know a lot about you. I like to know what I'm dealing with. Well, some of you have met my son, my now armless son. Thanks to some shenaniganry over here. And that son of mine is the father of a vampire.

The head on your shoulder, young boy. Is that Taylor's granddad? Yep, that's me. And I'm really not in the mood to entertain more kids who just made their way. We didn't come here to be entertained, dude. Wait, wait, wait. More kids? My father, are you not? Are you based on the flashbacks that I experienced in the previous episode? Yes, I saw those too. I too listened to the podcast. Yes, Hermie the Unworthy, you are the...

Son of mine and someone that stole you and ran away with you and haven't seen you in a while. You look... You are the son of mine? Yes. Do you have... Ah, this is finally what it's like to have a dad.

Look, all right. Throwing the in front of things. Name me a more dad-like thing to do. What are you doing down here? I'm the king of hell, dude. Look at me. You're the devil? What do your doofies entail? I'm not the devil. I control the seven, now eight, circles of hell, rings of hell, however you want to describe it. How's it going? Well, pretty poorly. I have to explain all of this to all of you all the time. It feels...

mildly annoying. You know, when I first... So there were kids before us? Well, there was one kid in that. He's right there, Hermie. It's me. It's him. It's him, yes. He's many kids because he can put on many personalities because his father was a very special someone to me that ran away with him and scammed me out of a son. And I've been scammed out of a lot of things recently and I'm just trying to...

Chill. Sir, I have a question, sir. I have a question as well. You go first. In order. Are there, I just want to know if this movie is true, are there any dogs here?

Do dogs go to hell? Is that your question? Yes, we have. They're called hell hounds. Perhaps you have heard of. I knew that movie wasn't true. Not all dogs go to heaven. Especially the bad dogs. Yeah, there's bad dogs. Everybody says there's only bad owners, but I'm like, I've met a few dogs that I'm like, I don't know. Anyways, I know this is not important. You had a real question. Normal. Yeah. So you're Hermes dad, right? Yes. And how do you feel about that?

I'm sort of wondering, you said my other dad disappeared, and I was wondering if I might meet him as well, meet both of my parents, and find out why I was abandoned on Earth would be delightful for me, personally. Well...

He is in another realm. There's many realms, as you all, I believe, now have discovered. And we had you together. Aren't you going to hug him? Yeah, I'm back now. Father. Daddy. Would you like a hug? Give him a piece. Hermes starts walking towards you with his arms outstretched. Oh, I can smell him from here, right? Yeah. Okay. I pinch my nose. I'm like, all right, bring it in. Bring it in, bucko. I didn't mean to say that. Bring it in, kiddo. You called me the B word! Ha ha ha!

He stops midway through and steps back as if in shock that you called him the B word. There's no one to trust. There's no one to trust in this world. You know, I feel the same, Hermie. Okay. I had...

A good thing going, and then the magic reversed on me. I became a demon king of sorts. I found out my real true identity. My son decided to be a real bad dad to Taylor over here. Get both of his arms lopped off, and now I don't even have my wife around, and hell is just not a cool place anymore. I'm trying to make it more chill by the day. I mean, hell so far just seems to be like adults complaining about their problems, and yeah, this is worse than I thought it'd be. I don't care, dude.

Normally your anchor detector tells you that the anchor is somehow deeper below this level of hell, which doesn't make sense because this is the deepest level of hell. Wait a second. I have a feeling. How much do you know about the whole why we're here? I have a general inclination. I've been trying to keep track of my son and all the things he's been doing and failing. That's what he's been doing recently. Not really listening to dad. I'm right here.

No, not you, Hermione. I'm talking about the other one. Oh, okay. Where is the other one, by the way? I don't marry a midget, that's fair. So I know you guys are trying to find... What do you know about me? Actually, not that much at all. I try to keep up with my son, Nicholas, and he doesn't seem to keep very much in touch with you. What? I mean, you've only talked to him, like, what, three times? Yes. Yeah, that's my exact... Not counting the times I don't remember. Right.

Right, so three times then. Plus the times I don't remember. Right, anyway, Nicholas could have done a better job raising you, that's all I'm saying. I'm here- Hey, hold on, hold on. Can you record that?

Just listen to the podcast later. This is too meta for me. All right. You and all you kids are here to try and get rid of the bad thing that happened above. Yeah. So yeah, we're on a quest to find anchors in each of the five realms. We need to destroy the one that's here. That's why we're here. And I'm getting a vibe that there's like more hell under this hell, which I can't even process right now. But like, could you,

You know, he's not the anchor. There are the anchors. It's weird. I get the feeling that there's something below us. Yes, there are many. They're in a basement. Yeah, Joey, just tell us what's up then. We literally do not care about you then. You're not the anchor. So is there more stuff below this? Oh, you all remind me so much of your grandparents. Just endless. So yeah, there are deeper recesses of hell. Yes. The one that you're in right now, if you look around, it's pretty chill. You'll see some Christmas lights.

Over there, we got a nice little DJ booth over there for music. Did you decorate it? No, I didn't decorate it. That other fucker, Glenn, did a whole number on this place. But you know what? I don't care about this backstory. We want to know what the anchor is. How do we get to the... Not to be rude, sir. Not to be rude. You have a very nice hell. A bat flies in and goes, just let me know if you want me to talk at any point. Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, look, my messenger bat. What's his name? Bartok. Bartok. Wait. Wait. Anastasia Salai? No, it's not Bartok. Let me look up a name.

A name? No. Jimmy has to give us a name. Taylor asked Jody what the name of the hell demon Bat... That's his bat. That's his bat. It's Battholomew, my friend Bat. Okay, that's fun. Yeah, there it is. Battholomew. Okay, well, so can we... Look, we really don't... Like, we're not... We're trying to get from A to B here, sir. We're trying to get down to figure out what this anger is so we can deal with it. Master, should we tell them about mega hell? What?

We haven't called it Mega Hell in years. It is more mega than this place, yes. There are deeper recesses of hell, if that's what you're looking for. Okay. I believe the- What word are we going to have to say to go there? You just have to say the B word again. Yeah, you just have to really mean it, though. You had extra enunciation. I don't want to say it again. Can't this be like a door we can go through? You're the king of this place. Can't you help us? Yeah, we could open a door, I suppose. Well, yes. We've sealed one away because once you open it, things up here get a little spicier and worse, and I've been trying to make this place a cool place for a while now so that my wife will return, but it doesn't matter-

If you really want to go down there, that's all I'm you. Should they, is there any protection that we should do? Should we help them? Well, I suppose you could join them if you wished to, considering, you know, who's down there. But it sounds like maybe the person that you want to find is the same as the one that they want to find, perhaps. Maybe, perhaps. Hmm.

Well, talking specifics would be really helpful. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Glenn and Morgan, the two people that we've mentioned multiple times. It sounds like if you're looking for an anchor, it is very much likely that Glenn has it or that Morgan has it. And as Glenn currently also has absconded with Morgan because Morgan liked Glenn more than Jody. Don't gasp. You didn't care about this story two seconds ago. That's true.

You gave no shits about what I was saying, boy. If I have a sin beyond saying the B word, it's that I love goss. So I just can't like you mentioned this Glenn guy and then you mentioned your wife. Like it's natural for me to gasp at that. I'm sorry, though, because like that does sound wrong. This Glenn guy took your wife? This Glenn guy didn't take my wife. In many ways, it was his wife, but it's still also my wife. Sorry. Yeah. I shouldn't have said take either. Wow.

That's all he is like, wow. Wow. Yeah, we're in hell. You can kind of, it's over time. It's kind of a Joe Rogan kind of vibe in hell. You can kind of get away with whatever you want. You're already here. Where else could he go? That's why I made a hell. To keep people in line in hell, right? Morals kind of slowly disappear. Back when I was a human, I had a decent number of them. And then they also eroded when I got down here. Anyway, Glenn is in hell. He was improving it, but he was also trying to get rid of some things that were bugging me as a result of also being Glenn and doing these things wrong.

My wife decided to, my ex-wife decided to go with him. Glenn was hunting the 666 hate demons of hell. Yes, that live in the lower recesses in mega hell. Yeah, it was a very anime kind of quest. He was a demon slayer? Yes, he was. Yes, he was. He and his wife worked together and slew 665 of the demons, but one remained, and we have not seen Glenn or Morgan for some time, so it is entirely possible that they are still grappling with the final demon of hell. They're just like salivating on it.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, wait. Why my mouth? There are prophecies that say that a chosen one will come and help. Oh my God!

Chosen one. That's all I mean. We don't use those words. Somebody they wouldn't expect. It's got to be someone that they don't expect. Yeah. It's got to be somebody who's really earned the respect. Someone who's really earned the right to and all the knowledge of all the enemies together. Somebody with more knowledge than anybody else. Who knows what to do. Somebody who knows what to do to step up. Somebody who can step up and be the chosen one. And be the chosen one. Guys, I think I might be the chosen one who has to slay the demon. The demon's probably related to the doomsday.

You know what? And Jodie sort of takes a seat back and starts looking at all of you all with very obvious, I could use these kids' eyes. I have a great idea. Hey, that guy just wants to use us. Dang it. No. You can roll perception or insight to see if you notice that. Also, Scary can roll that, I think, with insight, but I don't know if she knows that's what Willy looks like when Willy looks at her, so. Oh. Oh.

Wait, you're saying what? What? 16. Anthony, what? All right, so with the 16, you know something is awry. Yeah. I don't trust any adult. Or something is awry the first time I tried to pronounce that word. Guys, I think something's awry with this guy. Am I saying that right? No, it's awry. Awry what? Like awry bread? Yeah, like bread. Like everything's going to be awry. Come on. Well done. Well done.

What do you want? What can we help you with? Well, it seems like one of you is the chosen one yet to be determined. Yet to be determined. And a great way to figure that out is to maybe go to mega hell with me, Betholomew, my wise expository device. That's me. And maybe figure out where this anchor is that you are looking for.

Okay, let's go. Yeah, it sounds good to me. We want to do this. And hold on, I'm not done yet. There's other parts to this deal. I would love for you all to have me accompany you, and you all can learn about how cool I am, how much work I put into Upper Hell and making it nice. Okay. And should we encounter my lovely ex-wife, as well as that little shit Glenn, we can help them out. I gotta warn you, sir, the last time we tried to help someone reconnect with their ex-wife, and I...

Dude, eye daggers. It's scary. Somebody murdered him. Who is this? Hey, hey, Mr. Jowdy. Yes, yes. We need to be armed. We need to have weapons. Can you lend us your stock? Dude, you salivate so much when you talk. Do you have like a broomstick or something? I need to get it off my head. That's all I'm you. Fetch them a tissue of hell.

Hell tissue. Here comes the hell tissue and he just brings you a tissue that's on fire. This isn't gonna work. Is there like a stick around here? I'll bring you a hell stick and he brings you a stick that's on fire. Perpetually. So it's not gonna burn up the stick. It will burn you though. I'm gonna stick your head on this. Is that cool? Wait, no, it's hot. It's hot. All right, listen up, buddy. I know you want weapons. And then with a really wet slicking sound.

Wait, are you putting me on this? Yeah, I'm just putting it on the top of a stick. Ew, are you like pointing it into his neck hole? Yeah. How big is the stick? The stick's bigger than it. It's like a broomstick. It's a broomstick. And then who's going to carry it? Me. It's better than being on my shoulder. It's a Gandalf. What a cool walking stick. It's going to hurt your hand because it's on fire. It's also going to hurt Taylor's head because it's on fire. It's not on fire. It's not on fire? Why is this difficult? Is there a stick in hell? In hell? I thought it was really cold. I thought it was like Christmas helmet.

All right, I'll go to the top layer and get a peppermint stick. You want me on a sword? What about peppermint stick? I'll get a peppermint stick. I'll be right back. He flies up to the top layer of hell where everybody's singing jingle bells and he gets a peppermint stick and he snaps it and he brings it down. It's like one of those big candy cane things. It's a big old candy cane stick. Yeah, there you go. And you can smell the mint coming down from the top layer of hell and he hands it to you.

Okay, then the way his head is on it is no longer on the top of the stick. It's like the candy cane curve is like perfectly curved over your head and I'm tying you up. So it's like your head is like framed like on the candy cane. You can lick the under curve of the candy cane and stick his head up. Yes. God.

Lick the bottom of it, then it's like a cool spear. That's a good idea, Normal. So while he's on the curved part, I'm also licking the bottom of it a lot so that it gets sharp. That's an interesting visual. Interesting visual. I've got a question. Yes, the most evil one here. What's up? Oh, thank you. I can smell it. Yeah, what's up with that? Why can you smell things so good? Well, you lose a lot of other senses slowly in hell, and you can decide which ones become more honed as a result.

I'm currently about half blind, but you smell pretty evil. That's all I can tell you. Yeah, yeah, I do. Would you like me to conjure a portal to mega hell? Yes, and I'm sorry, young Taylor, we will not be able to give you a weapon, but it looks like you have a weapon now. You can just swing Taylor and his thing around. That'll do. Nice. Wait, wait, question, Matt. Is my pork pie hat above? Your pork pie hat

It's gone, man. Learn to let go, man. You got like a hairband, but it's a candy cane. I don't want to do this podcast anymore. It's like your headphones, but it's a candy cane. Can we please just reiterate the terms of how I'm going to help you? Because you are all a little under equipped, except for the kind of evil one. She seems pretty strong compared to the rest of you, but you're going to need my help. Kind of evil, chosen one. It's all the same, really. I'm pretty sure I'm the chosen one, but okay.

We're going to get down there. We're going to find this anchor thing. I'm going to help you take it out, and you're going to frame me as the hero and the one for Morgan to return to after all is said and done because clearly they're having problems. You know what I bet would be really impressive to this Morgan person would be if you...

you know, reconnected emotionally with your son. Or just selfishly helped. And I get a big thumbs up, like, right? Like, meh? Yeah, I'm still here. I'm still in the conversation. Yeah, so maybe like while we're doing that, you know, that seems like a sort of like a intergenerational history of not being around. You could kind of, you know, re-up that. I mean, does this Glenn guy have a good relationship with his son? Yeah, it feels like you should just selfishly help four kids. That'd be more impressive than killing one demon when this Glenn guy's already killed 665. Yeah.

Don't think you're like really thinking this through. This Glenn guy has something to prove, so he's off doing that. He did it. He killed 665 demons. But not the last one. Not the last one. The hardest one. The ultimate boss with many different boss modes. Yes, the 12 in 1. Exactly. Well, that's still...

It's still one, but that's his name, the 12-in-1. It does sound like a lot, though. Listen up, kiddos. You don't get to hell by being selfless, okay? You don't become the king of hell by being super-duper selfless. Yeah, that's true. You do the other one. So all you sanctimonious little buckos can just take that. Scary, when you use that word, it hurts my feelings. Oh, I'm sorry, it hurts your feelings? It is helping Bartholomew, Betholomew conjure up the world. This is the second time that Scary said bucko, so whoop, she disappears into the ground. Oh, no.

Oh, shit. She just falls midway through that speech down to mega hell and you do not see her anymore. As much as I thought, men's feelings are more important than women's feelings. You want to say bucko bucko and go? Bartholomew says it doesn't count when you're a man. Like women can say bitch. Well, and he...

Well looks like it's a race to be the chosen one who's gonna get there first. Oh, no. So do we gotta just say bitch twice? No! You get it. I'm not down to. And then in the moment. But you're saying it. You just get it.

Your head's like stuck to the floor. Yeah. Ow, son of a bitch! Say it! You go after him. I dive into the hole behind the two of them. It blocks you like an invisible wall in a video game? I don't want to say it again! And it says warning, has not said B word. Laura, how about this? How about this? You and I walk, and we'll walk with Hermie. I'm a skilled, licensed, you know, I printed out my own license to be a group counselor. So if you and Hermie want to reconnect, we can take the walk.

the long way down. So you walk all the way, Will, and then you get to a checkpoint and they ask for your passport. And they go, see you think bitch one more time? It seems like you only said bitch once. Yeah, they check your papers. They have you take out your papers and they look and the bitch thing is only staked once. You gotta say the B word to get in, right? I'm glad you took the scenic route, but like the help guard at the toll booth is like, well, you gotta say B word again. I look at normal and go, hey, normal, normal, normal. I know you want to say the word. It hurts someone's feelings or whatever. Ha ha ha.

How about this? There's another way to get the bee thing checked off. Okay. And it's a little counterintuitive. Can't you just tell them you're their boss, aren't you? Oh, the guy at the gate. Yeah. No, that's not how it works. He's the boss of main hell. We're in mega hell, so it's a different kind of jurisdiction. Yeah, that's like you can't go to the U.S. border, right, from another country and be like, but my laws apply. You could say the name of a super badass bitch that is using the positive connotation of the word that names, you know, someone that you think is a cool bitch.

my mom. It has to be another B word, though. It's sort of like a loophole thing. Oh, so if I say, like, you know, my mom's a badass bitch, I get in. No, we changed the rules on that. No, that's... That's the old one. That's not it. Sorry, you didn't get the updated.

I'm asking you to improvise here, Normal, to find in your, look through the history books. Did you ever read about someone in the history books that has a bad bitch alert that started with the letter B? No, they don't have, when did you go to history class? They don't say that. They don't say that in history books. You're saying like that word about that? I'm trying to be a better person, okay?

AP history. Who's the baddest bitch in European history? You know, 500-word essay. I think Margaret Thatcher. Webster's Dictionary defines baddest bitches. I'm just trying to give you a loophole, boy. Do you think I can't say that word? You bitch, I will. Okay, and I roll deception. My bluff of saying you betcha works. Yeah, roll deception. Everyone's just staring at you like, what did you just say? So many people behind you be like,

You should know. Just say bitch. No. Nobody's going to order before you get up to the front. It's a thousand other people. Why would you say bitch? And they all get it. People just disappearing behind you precariously. I got a 12. The guard goes, I know you said betcha. That doesn't count. You have to say it with spite. It has to be about a woman. Or you don't make the rules. Or bad bitch alert. An actual bad bitch.

He already said that won't work, you dumb bitch. And you get pulled down as well. And then it's just Hermie and you. He goes, we could just talk. We don't have to go down with them. You and I, we don't have to say the B word. We could just sort of decompress and you could tell me what it's like to be a dad and I could be your son. We could experience that together. You and me, just you and me with no B words. So how's it being lonely, I guess?

You're a real bitch. You can get sucked down. Got him! Bye, Jimmy! Thanks for coming, Jimmy! Alright, alright, alright. Let me in, let me in. I'm me. They can't argue with that and they let you in.

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That's 50% off your first month at K-I-W-I-C-O dot com promo code daddies. So you all fall through darkness, darkness that is all enveloping and all encompassing. Oh, it sounds like daylight. You see. Shut up, Gary. In my ordinary life. Shut up! You zoom past the corpses of 665 demons of such size, grandeur, and horrificness that to maintain a stare on them for any amount of time causes you a great deal of discomfort.

But you can see a pinprick of light in the far distance that gets bigger and bigger as you approach it faster and faster. Like the opening of Space Mountain. Yeah, kind of. Wow. If there was covered in corpses. Yeah. You see the opening of Space Mountain in front of you, basically. That's why they close Space Mountain. Oh, my God. They're not clearing those corpses out. The pinprick of light resolves itself into a large green field. And sitting on that green field are three small structures. In front of those two, a very defeated-looking guitarist

and his equally defeated-looking female companion. And you all impact against the ground hard, not hard enough to kill you or hard enough to really do any HP damage, but you on the ground. And you, for the first time in real life, you recognize him from the memory. You are looking at Glenn Close. I do a cool three-point landing. Roll for that! Yeah, roll. Go ahead and roll. Someone else roll for me. I don't have any apples. Oh, one.

Dang one. Sorry, he got a 19. So immediately Morgan turns her head and is like, whoa.

Hey. No, hey. So, uh, I brought some kids with me. Why? To hell. We're in mega hell. Yeah, they have something I gotta do here. They're pretty powerful. We could use the help. Yeah, we belong here. You could feel very strongly that the anchor is on Glenn's person. Glenn doesn't even turn around. Okay, I want you to all imagine the cover of the movie Versus.

Matt knows exactly what I'm talking about. He's got a gun in one hand. By Mona Lisa, yes. Yes, the most perfect image ever made. A guy in a cool trench coat with a samurai sword and a gun, and he turns one, like, to turn over and look down. He turns a profile? In profile, he goes, looks like more meat for the meat grinder. LAUGHTER

Cool, the sky's really cool.

Normal sizing up that the anchor is in Glenn looks to his compatriots. That's him. That's the guy. That's the guy who's got the anchor in him. Joke's on you, scary. You can't fucking kill him this time because he's already dead. So what are you going to do? You're just going to say a bunch of mean stuff to him? Probably. Maybe if he deserves it. I mean, if he does deserve it, then I feel like we should, you know, if he does deserve it, we should still try to take the high road. Yeah. Hey, nice. Glenn, right? Mr.

Close? Been ages since someone's called me by that name. All right. Well, what a gift I've given to Frederick. Do we know what, like, his deal? The other guy was lonely, right? Like, what's... What's your deal? Yeah, what's your deal? Me and my lady here. Sup? Sup? Sup? Hey, babe. Hey.

You two have been with each other this whole time, right? You keep moving a little bit closer. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. She opens her eyes and closes it once she grows up and says, you're all looking at her. She's like, yeah, later, later. Oh, yeah. We're looking for the final hell demon. 12 and 1. The 12 and 1. There's 12 in 1. We fought him a bunch of times, but we can't seem to beat him. Can't seem to beat him. Maybe...

I whisper over to more of like, maybe we could use this meat as a distraction. Distraction. Yeah. And then I'll go around back. I'll deliver the killing blow. Yeah. I mean, they could also help us for just Pharisees. Like we all work together. Yes. By using them as bait.

For the final demon. You both know we can hear you, right? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Shut up, kid. Do you know where this is? It's been so long since we were with other people. Do you know where the last demon is? You were going to tell us to go on back. I mean, I know how to summon him. It's those three structures over there. Yeah, we're at a checkpoint right here. And Morgan points at three circles of cobblestone equidistant from each other and the other side of the field from you.

I'm going to try to do like a vibe check on Glenn. Okay. To see if I can suss out what his role insight for vibe check emotional. What level is leveled up since the end? Yo, he's 20. Is Morgan have a level two? Yeah. Also level 20. Wow. And you're also level 20. You're the king of hell. I'd be like level 22 or something though, right? Just like slightly. That's the max is 20. Yeah, but not in hell. Yeah. They changed the rules along with the bad bitch thing. I got a 19. Cody,

used your vibe check to see where exactly the anchor was but no you had to check in on his feelings I know exactly where the anchor is it's right there I would say I would say Glenn excuse me Glenn I'm talking excuse me Scary so what is the problem um why don't we figure out how to get it away from him okay well I'm this is what I'm trying to do uh if you want if you want to join us in doing that uh

Sure, I've been with you the whole time. I mean, that's subjectively not true. But as long as you're here now, there's always a spot open for you. Cool, good to know. Okay. Wow, you kids are so trustworthy. Yeah, they really are. We don't trust any of them. We don't trust you and we don't trust her. In fact, it's the opposite. I literally don't trust anybody here, except for maybe normal, but like... What do you mean maybe? I mean, I trust her intent. I just think at the end of the day, we're all going to fail miserably. Hey, what about me, bud? I mean, you're my right-hand man, buddy. Hey.

And I kind of tap my candy cane. Normal just balls his fist, just like jealous rage. You're just my weapon at this point. I'll take it. So the vibe you get from Glenn is that Glenn's a little bit tired from, you know, respawning and trying to kill this demon, but he's also more stoked than he's ever been in his entire life. He's fucking living his life entirely, slaying demons with his babe.

by his side. He stole from that asshole Jody back. Everything is right in the world and Glenn is like moral. You know what he is? What do you think Usain Bolt feels like after he wins the 100 meter dash? Do you know what I'm saying? Like tired, but on top of the world, a king, a god.

And Morgan's emotional state is like, I wish my husband would stop saying that he got me. Do I remember what the emotional states of the anchors are that we're looking for? So you detect that he has the anchor on him. It is not him himself. And that the color coming from it is blue. And that represents the feeling of love. Whoa.

Interesting. It's not in him like it was with Tony. It's on him. He's got it on him somewhere. Well, why don't we just ask him for it? That's a great... Can we have... Hey! Do you have like a thing? I feel like it's something on your person and I'm wondering if we can have it. Can you just strip...

and take everything and put it in this trash can and we'll just burn it. Just everything, right? Just burn everything. We just need to find this one thing. I heard the word strip. You don't got to say it twice. Glenn fucking rips off his fucking leather jacket. He's covered in abs and scars. You're covered in abs? It's horrific looking. Abs and scars. Some genie's like he abs.

You should be more careful about your wish. Some free genie somewhere. Morgan's like, the 450th demon we attacked was a genie who gave him a twisted wish to get abs everywhere. I want to be covered in abs. He said, are you sure? He was like, that's too dumb for me. He was like, I'm giving you a second chance to reword this. I was like, no. He said no, and he just did it anyway. Do I see any object? Yeah. You see a guitar pick fly out of his coat as he rips it off. And that guitar pick is the anchor. No, I want to be clear. I think the guitar pick would be in my guitar pick pocket.

Okay. You have a pocket just for guitar picks? Every pair of jeans has a pocket just for guitar picks. My guitar player boys know and girls know there's that little pocket on the... It's your butthole. Ha ha ha!

That's where guitar players put it. That's why that's why guitar players always say it's time to get stinky when they start playing. Stevie Ray Vaughan. Stevie Ray Vaughan I heard once play the show in Austin City, Livingston. He was like, it's time to stink up the place. And he pulled a pick. No, no. It's the little pocket on the jeans on the right side, the secondary pocket. Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. Okay, so yeah, it's there then. You didn't rip off your pants in front of children, I'm assuming, so it's still there. No, no, no, no. I'm here to flex all my abs. Well, you can either way, you see the outline of a pick in his...

Next to his pendulous big dong. Thank you. He also wished for. No, no, no. Let's not get the canon wrong. Okay. Glenn did not wish for a pendulous big dong. What did he wish for? Find out next time, listener. He wished for a reduction in the size of his dong. It's still this big. He was the first man. He was the first man to ever get penis reduction. I can't think of anything people would care about less to wait for next week.

Like what Glenn wished for regarding his penis. So Jody, understanding the power that the pic holds to Glenn personally, is going to lean over to Scary and go, hey, it's that thing in his penis.

Pocket. I want to hold my candy cane so that Taylor can listen in on whatever he is whispering. I flap a big demon wing in front, so it's just me talking to Skid. I'm really suspicious. Roll opposed stealth for Jimmy and then perception for Matt and Freddy. I got 12 on myself. But I'm closer. Okay, so Freddy then. You'll get a plus one. Okay, and then here's the thing though also. Wings don't stop sound waves, idiot. I won't give it advantage then. Okay, hold on.

I rolled 12 for stealth. All right. Nine. Jimmy got an 18 on his stealth roll, so you unfortunately cannot hear what he is about to say. Yeah, these are special. Don't worry. I'll tell you guys. Oh, cool. This pick, it kind of represents a lot of his manhood. It's how he plays his instrument, his power. So if we can get rid of it, he's going to be way less cool. Morgan's going to see that, and then she'll come back to me, and I feel like you're the only one with the guts to do it. So, yeah, you got to get it out of his pocket.

Okay, guys, so I've got a plan. We need to get the pick out of the pocket. Basically, it's not a big deal. He's got a bunch of other picks at home. It's just like we need to get this specific one.

Because it's the anchor, you know? Okay. Sir, can we have your guitar pick? Yeah. I see you coveting my treasures. No. Just the one. His eyes are up there, Morgan says. Guitar pick. Thanks. In that case, will you play us a tune? Oh, yeah. You get stinky? Let me get stinky for all of y'all real quick.

Scary, what's a really long song? So we have as many opportunities as we need to to steal the pick out of his hands. How about March of the Black Queen?

Play all of it. Well, I feel like I'm not going to be persuaded by this child to play a song. Okay, well, I guess if you can't. I start launching into my 18-minute solo that I play over Jingle Bells. Okay, so you just play your favorite song. Yeah, of course. Okay, fine. Check it out. Look how fast my finger, like, look at this. God, he's so cool. God, he's so cool.

Glenn is the first person to get less cool after going to hell. I finally understand why Star Wars fans were mad about Luke Skywalker. Jody's going to plug his ears with his little wings. Oh, God. Here we go again. So he's using the pick, right? Yes, he is using the pick. I'm shredding. Scary. His hands are a blur. Don't you have? I'm whispering this is scary under the deafening sound of his guitar solo. I'm fucked up, dude. I'm in Ionian right now.

That's a joke for Will and Will alone. Hey, throw Mode out. Throw Mode out. I'll play it. Mixolydian. Ah, come on. Everyone knows Mixolydian. Give me something real. Frigian. Ah, that's what I'm talking about. Frigian. Glenn rolled a 25 on his performance. Not my best.

I hate this guy. The best song. Like you hate the song because it's not your style of song. Most of you because you're teens. But like if you were about 30 years older, it would be the greatest thing you'd ever heard in your life. Well, how does Jody feel about it? Not great. I mean, I think you have to appreciate that it's a great song, but you hate the man doing it. It's like separate the art from the art. Yeah, exactly. Listen to old Louis C.K. specials. Scary. Remember when you and I'm not saying this because I approve of it, but remember when you were going to try to trick us all and then Link was like, psych, you know, you can't trick us around me because I'm real trustworthy and everyone trusts me with like a spell.

It was like a mass. It was like a suggestion. Can't be charmed anymore. Why don't you vote? I mean, maybe Glenn could be charmed by it. Why don't we see if he can give us the pick? During this whole time I'm walking, Glenn is walking to summon the demon again. Okay, if he wants to. I think so, because he sees a bunch of distractions that he could use and throw against the demon. Okay, great. I'm just going to try to get the pick then. That's what we're trying to do. I was just saying, like, maybe Scary can trick him into giving it to us. Okay, let's try that.

I'm just saying, like, I don't know. When you're telling me to do it, I'm not as inclined to do it. All right, Scary. Actually, I don't know what I'd rather do my idea. I don't want to do your idea. Don't steal. You couldn't do it anyways. As a group, you get one thing to do before Glenn manages to summon the demon again. I feel like this is an opposed role between Link's reverse psychology and Scary's wisdom right now. Except to Beth whether or not she thinks it would work on Scary.

Jodie's going to also be like, oh, no, no, no, you guys are too low level. Oh, I just said I don't want you to do it. I was trying to do reverse psychology on you. Oh, okay. It feels like Beth not grokking that is a sign. Yeah, it feels like scary wouldn't grok that either. Because you also have been hating her and negative towards her all the time, so it doesn't come off like reverse psychology. It's just you being your normal, not liking scary self. Otherwise, I was just going to use the candy cane, and Taylor could try to grab that pick with his teeth. Jodie's going to be like, no, Glenn's very powerful. You don't want anyone that's too weak to do this. You could get...

hurt real bad. Well, if he hurts us, then that looks good for you, right? Well, that's a little, I don't like hurting kids necessarily. He would be hurting the kids. So you look cool, sir. We've been around the block. We fought pizza Kings. We fought tentacle monsters. I think we can handle a little guitar playing. You got beat by a baby. A baby almost killed you. Look scary. Do you have a way to get that pick? We all want to get out of here, right? So, Oh,

Okay. I cast Spider Climb on myself. That's right, I'm the spider boy. How could you? Hey, what the hell, scary? Oh, maybe she's the chosen one. There are trees surrounding the field and you can easily climb up any of those if you wish to. Okay. They're a hundred feet high. I'm just gonna climb up the guitar and try to grab it. Okay, fine.

I mean, you're a person-sized person. You don't need to climb up a guy to reach at his midsection, but... I'm going to climb him up. All right, sure, fine. Link's going to try to distract... I said you got one thing. Yeah, this is going to be to help her climbing up the guitar. No, he's already turned around. Huh? He's already turned around. You don't need to distract. Well, do you want to hear what I'm going to say?

I'm just trying to be harder on you all. Oh, yeah, no, that's fine. Maybe this doesn't work. I was going to say, pretty good solo, but, like, I bet you can't do it with guitar behind your back. Ha! Ha! Check this out, idiot! Hell yeah, it works, Anthony! Fucking idiot. Yep. This all tracks. Yep.

Heard Van Halen do that all the time. That's so fucking stupid. Glenn puts the guitar behind his head and starts wailing even harder on the solo. Gonna roll performance again now. And because he's doing that, he's now rolled a 32 on performance. It somehow got better. It's the best version of Windy Ball. Scary, you were perching him from behind the pick as well within your reach. His hands are a blur. They're going so fast. I just rolled sleight of hand, and I got 15. Good luck, Beth. Try to put your fucking hand in a wood chipper. Yeah.

I don't care what happens to my hand as long as I get that anchor. So with a 15, I feel like you roll dexterity opposed, Frederick. Beth, you walked into the wrong fucking L. Can you be a 28? Oh, God. So yeah, his hand just like saws yours off. Like the sheer speed of it. Just and then you just have a rest. Oh, my hand. No, seriously, your hand looks. Oh, my God. Scary. Scary, are you okay? No. Oh.

No! Oh my god! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's up, Taylor? Throw me. Like a javelin. Into the guitar. Okay. Instead of throwing you, I'm gonna spear like, you know, like a, like a whaler. Like I'm gonna just stab you into the guitar. I summon my cheerleading spirit and I say, you can do it, Link. Throwing something is just like kicking something with your hands. Ha!

Link, like his eyes roll in the back of his head and like so much is unlocked for him. Like he thinks about all the times that everybody just shoot a basketball. Like all the times he couldn't throw a baseball. It's that Zach Galifianakis math thing. Yeah, he's just like thinking like all of a sudden like his hands look like his feet and he's just like

about this. He's like, they are just like, he goes back to the fucking primordial time where fish first came out of the water. He's like, all limbs are just the same. He's like, wait a second. Why am I using only two of my limbs? Like, I could be doing so much more. Yeah, he's going to throw, because Taylor said so, he's going to throw Taylor's face connected to this candy cane. Well, no, no, no, the sharpened end. The sharpened end. Sharpened end. Yeah. Okay. All right, go ahead and throw with whatever bonuses you get from the spirit kids. I think I have to, yeah. I'm weighing it perfectly. It's perfectly bound with your head on it.

on it. Wait, lick it a little more. Oh, no. It's always a trick. Why would anybody want licorice as a candy cane? What's better than this? Guys being dudes?

Jodi the entire time is just watching mouth agape going. This was a bad idea What am I rolling you're rolling a ranged attack because you're throwing a thing at a thing while I'm soloing I kind of look over and I wink at Morgan and scary is climb of a tree is crying and is like I Just wanted them to not have spider boy Roll 18, okay, so Freddie as Glenn roll opposed perception

See if you notice this thing coming in for your 19 plus 524. OK, so you know that the thing is coming towards your axe. You can choose how to react to that. I think I'm going to just spin around and

and roundhouse kick this object out of the air like matt you know what i'm talking about right like zhao zhao come on you need to help us taylor as he notices no i think that's more as taylor anticipates the move don't you have to roll for this no no no this is the rest of the episode i just gave freddie a blue boxing glove and a red boxing glove and he's just hitting himself with both hands over and over like this is the most

You could give him the big, like, you know, sad eyeballs, but Grandpa, you know, it's like, give him something to make him, to phase him. Well, technically, he's not his grandpa. Yeah, technically, no. Technically, Jody's my grandpa.

Oh, yeah. Are you related to Glenn? He's not. I'm not. You're not. Yeah. Canonically. It's just like a guy. Spiritually kind of. Spiritually because it's Freddie behind the wheel both times. I play guitar. I'm spiritually connected with Stevie Ray Vaughan, but I'm not related to him whatsoever. We share a bond through the kinship of music. And Taylor and Glenn share a bond through the kinship of this is just how Freddie improvises. Yeah. So...

So Taylor's anticipating the worst possible outcome. So he's steeled himself for it. So he's going to adjust his spin trajectory as it's spiraling. Taylor's going to be like, he's making a move. And then Taylor's going to like throw his head around the other direction to like change the direction of the fucking, you know what I'm saying, dude? So,

What does Glenn do when he sees this happen? Yeah, you see that Glenn. Glenn knows. Glenn knows. You see, Glenn knows. Glenn knows that this trajectory is moving. Oh my god. Glenn holds a fucking sick twisted bend on the fucking 12th fret of the B string as he turns around and grabs the candy cane out of

And then he's face to face with Taylor. He's like, you think you got what it takes to defeat me?

And then Taylor, okay? Taylor goes, you're quicker than I thought. Oh, man. Glenn goes, nothing personal, kid. And he throws the fucking candy cane into, like, space. Like, as hard as he can.

He just throws it up and never comes down. He launches that shit, dude. He launches that shit with all of his might.

What was that? Athletics? Athletics, I think. So we're going with this, right? Is that athletics? It's dead. It's done. It's done. It can't even move. No sound's coming out of his mouth. No.

Yeah, now he's crying adequately. Oh my god. Okay. Yeah, it's athletics. So Glenn rolls a 6 plus 7, 13. Not my best throw. So yeah, Taylor kind of goes up. He threw a football the average distance in the air. And then he goes back up. And then he like starts. It's not your best throw! Yeah, and then...

you come back flying back down to earth. Well, no, I think I'm just like out of the fight now. I mean, yeah, but maybe not. You don't land next to square in the middle of where the demon is going to be. Yeah. It's high enough that I can really move to try to catch him. Oh, it's like that Foxtail game that we played as a kid. It was that ball with your dad, Freddie. But you remember that, right? Take a lap. I got 22 for athletics. Oh my God. Easily. You grab it. Catch it like a cheerleader catching a baton on your teeth.

He's beginning to believe. And I spin and I look at Taylor and I was like, it was a pretty good try. It was a nice try. Round two, I throw.

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Oh my God. So Morgan comes in and slaps the fucking candy cane down.

Hey, what the hell, lady? She leans in and slaps you down and you embed into the dirt. And she goes, fuck it, we're summoning this demon. And she points at the first cobblestone. That really sucks, lady. She points at the first cobblestone circle and she goes, well. And she points at the second cobblestone thing and she says, well. And she points at the third cobblestone thing and she says, well. And the cobblestone things rise up and wooden roofs come out of them and a bucket comes down. And you hear, well.

well, well, and 12 soccer players fly out of the wells and land in front of you. Link stumbles back, drops to the floor, just tears in his eyes. And you hear the voices of 12 bullies simultaneously saying, well, well, well, so you want to try to beat the 12-in-one again, huh? Ha ha, wait a second. I think Link looks at Taylor, who's on the ground, and he grabs a candy cane and he stands up, he goes, sup, assholes? Here

Hear this voice. It's a new link. And I hold up Taylor and I got friends now. So, wow. It's a soccer. Well, well, well, boys are here, but nobody sees me up in this tree. She got a spell. I was going to cast a hero about me.

I guess I'm not really part of this group after all. If you cast spider boys on me, I can climb up and help you. I can help your hand. I'm a healer. That's what I do. I can help. I can, you know, they're still good in you. I'm pretty sure. Sometimes I still think I hear them talking to me. I'm down here. I'm talking to you. I'm part of the group. It's scary. It's normal. Whatever. Scary. You literally left the group. Whatever. Just get down. You literally left the group. Whatever. What are you doing? I'm just going to

in my diary. So the 12 soccer players go like, oops, looks like you're going to have a hard time beating us with the best soccer player in Teen High up in a tree. Wait, are you guys like actually the kids? Like, was I going to school with the demons? Maybe, yes, maybe not. Yes, yes, of course you were. Yeah, yeah. Wait, is one of you Schmeggin's kid? Yeah.

Yeah, I bet your dad. But your dad is real cool. You should say, come on. So at that moment, Link, your phone rings. Your phone vibrates. Ring, ring. I don't know why I reached my phone. Matt reached for his real phone. What the method? Fucking Matt takes hours to shake off Lincoln Lee Wilson. Matt is so deep right now, he picked up his real phone. Yeah. And you see a text on your phone from an unknown number. I didn't because I had my phone up to my ear. The method. It's weird that he's talking.

I heard a ring. Oh, it's a text message. So you see a message from it saying, if you need help, reply yes to this message. It's gotta be a scam. Have you guys seen? That sounds like a scam. Chase always says they would never ask for your information. I mean, yeah, sure. Why? I mean, what's the harm? I type yes back. Okay. Please unsubscribe. In that moment, your phone explodes and it's shards.

...

And Agent Schmegan and all of his men, armed with machine guns, come stomping through the portal into hell. And just then, another portal opens. And who is it? It's the entire Wakanda nation. And look, there's another one. And it's Spider-Man and all his friends. Hey, Schmegan on your left. What?

Or right, I forget. It's on your left. It's on your left. We made it. So Schmagan puts a hand on your shoulder, Lincoln, and he says, I knew you'd always be the one to help us out. I knew you had some good in you. Yeah. Thanks for giving us, hell, we're going to turn this into just another American institution of democracy. Fucking nart. All right.

I mean, I don't, I literally do not care. I don't care what you guys do. That's fair. Yeah. Whatever. I mean, this place is. America needs more soldiers like you. Wait, does Joe. I'm not your soldier, man. This place sucks, but we're just, we just got to get this guitar pick. So. These are the same people that tried to kill and torture his own son, right? Yes. Yeah. So I have an ire against them. So I see them laying. I'm like, oh, these motherfuckers.

No, no, no, no, no, no. These buckos? These buckos are not going to help us. I refuse. No, get out of here. Go back to where you came from. You sink through the ground and then you come back up where you are because there's no... It loops like the Pac-Man screen. No, I drop from the top. Oh! You buckos...

So are you gonna attack them or do something? I'm going to instantly attack all of them. I'm just gonna fly into them and clear them out. Cool. The agents start firing at you as you head toward them with your electric whip. Now it's two-hand tapping. Wait, if he's two-hand tapping, he doesn't have his pick. Fucking idiot, you have this pick pinched between your fingers and you use that to give a little more definition on the top screen.

So yeah, you're playing harder. I'm happy to demonstrate. Morgan's throwing up the devil horns and headbanging really, really hard. And then the 12 soccer players go like, well, it looks like the adults are a little bit occupied. No, you ain't going anywhere, fucking kids. I'll kill you.

Okay, I mean, but you failed every other time you tried to fight us. Yeah, wait, can I ask a question? Why did Glenn fail to kill these 12 kids? Because you can't kill them. You have to beat them, and a soccer ball appears on the field at soccer, and one man cannot beat 12 people at soccer, no matter how hard he tries. Messi could. Two people. Messi could. Messi!

he could but messy's in heaven he got baptized yeah yeah he got baptized that's the only reason we gotta play soccer scary lands and says I'm not a soccer player yeah we there wasn't an opportunity to do that a few minutes ago but now just to

We're clear. So wait, the 12 kids, there's like a demon ball in front of them or whatever? Yep. And it's like, there's a god like- It's perpetually on fire. It's perpetually on fire, okay. Hey, Morgan. When I said use them as a distraction, I don't know what I was thinking. I meant fill out the team because I would know that. I would know that we would know that against these guys. I know. I speak your language. I know what you mean. It's the words you don't say more than the words you say. God, I love you. God, you're so hot. God, tongue kiss me right now. Oh my god. Oh god, fuck that.

I'm going to try to steal the pick while he's making out with his wife. All right. Go ahead and roll sleight of hand.

20. Wow. Not a natural 20, just a plain 20. Sure. Roll a post-perception Frederick. Glenn definitely makes out with a pick in his mouth. 21. 16 plus 5. Not even worth it. So what do you do when you see this kid's hand coming toward your face? You go to grab it, and when they separate, you see that the pick is on his tongue. Yeah, dude. And tied in a knot, dude. When you find someone that you really love, you're going to be able to do this with them one day, kid.

Oh, God. Okay, well, I feel like I've set up a certain number of things to you. It's up to you to choose which one of those. Leak looks at scary. Morgan says, if you beat these demons for us, we'll give you the pick. Wait, hold on, babe. Babe, I got it. I can get you a new pick. Leak looks at scary. What position are you going to play?

Left striker. Game on. I'll be one of the players. Yeah, that's cool. I'll kick the ball at you guys. Jody, you're better off as a cheerleader. Hey, Jody, shut the fuck up. Hey, what about me? Hey, hey, hey, put me in, coach. Turn me upside down first. You'll be like the flag. Put me in goal. I'll block anything that comes at me. Yeah, he can be like our goalie. Or our chief. Wait, wait. Maybe you should learn the rules of the game. If I... No, I couldn't. I couldn't. I was like...

Because I don't have my mascot outfit with me, obviously, right? You saw it in the upper level of hell if you want to go back up and try to get the hell version of your mascot outfit with you. Jody, could you give me a couple levels up real quick? Back to pride. Jody, in the midst of slapping around all these FBI agents. I'll say whatever word I have to. Just get over here. I just hop on your back. To pride. I take you off my back and I just throw you upwards. And Hermie hears you say to pride and he's like, I knew it.

I zip up to pride. I see Teeny the Teen. I'm like, Teeny the Teen, I need your body, but not your head. Roll persuasion. I got a 21. Fuck yeah. So Teeny the Teen goes, give me an O. Give me an A. Oh, okay. And he decapitates himself. His body walks towards you. Okay, and I say, back down we go. Yeah. That's not how it works. Doesn't work. I say, back down.

You go down another level. You have to say bitch like five times. I say it five times. I'm like, by the fifth time, I'm almost like, I think it's okay. You're crying by the time you get down there. Okay, so you're back where you are now. You're holding the headless form of Teeny the Teen. Did somebody call for a body? No, I actually quite like where I'm at right now, but I mean...

I just grabbed your head and stick it on top of Teeny the Teeny. With the candy cane, right? Yeah, the candy cane. Yeah, you just slam the candy cane. Bro, it's just like the golden monkey in Legends of the Hidden Temple. You gotta roll to see if you get the pieces right because those fucking kids. They always put it backwards. I figured out why, by the way. Yeah, because they were not doing it for camera. They were doing it for themselves. No, because that's also the first time anybody

had seen the golden eye. Oh, sure. They shot all those episodes in a block. All those kids didn't have... This is just perpetual stew all over it. All right, so yes, the candy cane is into the stump of Teeny the Teen, and his head is kind of over his left shoulder because of the curve of the candy cane. Get in the mascot, Shinji. Get in the mascot, Taylor. Yes, and you find Taylor...

That you have limited control over the limbs of Teeny the Teen. Psychically, you're connected with the candy cane and the body of Teeny the Teen and you can move around like this. Your head's like high up, huh? Yeah, it's higher than normal and it's to the left. So yeah, you're a good goalie and you're sticky. Ew. Because you've been licking me. Yeah, yeah. The two things you want in a goalie. Sticky and tall. Sticky and tall. Sticky and tall.

Girl, is he single. I'll take goalie. All right. I'm center mid. Jody, you want to play with us? I'm just slapping all the FBI agents. Yeah, he's probably... This is verbal. Hermie goes, what spaces are remaining? Hermie, you and me are going to be the guys that are the other guys on the team, right? You two are left back and right back. You do not let the ball go in the goal. I thought that's my job. When they undeniably make a mistake, you...

You can use your hands to stop the ball from going into the goal. All right. I scream back at Hermie. Hermie, bend it like Beckham. And he goes, of course. And he closes his eyes and he opens his eyes and he looks just like Keira Knightley. I knew it was going to be Keira Knightley. Because he goes, I didn't want to be the Indian girl, but I'm just, it's, oh, it's me, Keira Knightley. Normal drops to his knees. I'm so,

Does Glenn and Morgan play? Yeah, if you want them to. Sure. Glenn goes like, all right, and he sort of like throws his guitar away like Prince at the end of that one solo. Yeah, it just goes up. You don't see it anymore. It goes to another layer of hell. Yeah. People in the B-word level are like, ooh, free guitar. And I feel like

Glenn's just gonna stand wherever the fuck he wants on the field because he doesn't really like soccer and he's like, I guess I'll be here. Morgan knows what soccer is, so what position would she take? Right striker. Yeah, right striker. So she fucking flexes her extremely muscular right leg. It makes like a gun cocking noise as she plants it into the ground. She's got fucking thick, her thighs are the size of hams. Like she could kill you with her thighs. Thinking too much about that now. LAUGHTER

So normally this would be a 4-4-2, but I think there's six of us, so it's like a 2-2-2 position. Great. With a goalie. Six versus 12. Wait, you get 12? Yeah, there's 12 of them. There's 12 of them, Matt. Yeah, but there's 11 players on the team, man. They're cheaters. Yeah, they're sick fucking cheaters. One of them has to be on the sideline. Here's the... Actually, you know what you know? Three of you guys

gotta come over to our team so it's a fair game. So what you do- I'm on persuasion. Okay, hold on. Before you do that, when you say, well, there should only be 11 of them, you realize that there's 11 demons and one of them is just Schmegan's kid who they kidnapped. Oh!

Schmagan's kid! Hey, can we, uh... Can we use that? Can we have Schmagan's kid? Yeah, can we have that kid? Can we have that kid? Can we have that kid? Schmagan, you're on our team! There's a lot of having of things this episode. Glenn picks up what normal's throwing down. He's like, hey, hey, kid, let me do this. Hey, Schmagan, you're on our team now. And I'm going to roll persuasion as Glenn close. Nice. Ooh, that sounds fun. Natural one. No! No!

They kill him. Are you kidding? They say, you want this? Yeah. You know what they do? It's like in fucking the Battle of the Bastards when they have John's brother run and they just keep like lobbing fireballs at him. He's like almost to you and then one hits him through the chest and he fucking dies in front of you. And Anthony, who's happy he doesn't have to now come up with a name for that character, is psyched. The kid doesn't even get a name? No. You shmag it's kid. He goes, my kid! Shmag it's kid.

that Glenn got him. Why would they hit Schmagan's kid? Because you rolled a natural one and he said, you want this kid? And they sent him to you and knowing that you cared about him and they fucking iced him. Wait, but was this kid baptized? Actually, yeah. So he, and his chest explodes and he falls to the ground and then like a cartoon, like an angel ghost comes in. Father, father, father, our time was so brief, but I will be at a better place now for I ascend to his godly domain. Father, please. And Schmagan, knowing that as a man, please weep not for me, father.

Knowing that as an FBI agent he will never go to heaven goes like, "Vaya con Dios, my son." "Yes, Father, Vaya con Dios! I will see you in his glorious eternal kingdom!" I walk over to Schmeggin who's doing a fucking Gears of War like shooting blind firing over the cover at Jody. He goes, "What is it, kid?" I stand with a- Jody's tears streaming down his face. "Jody, stop!"

What? Stop! We're playing soccer. Just like either play soccer or wait till this game's over. I'm in the middle of doing a thing where you hold someone and just slap them over and over again. So roll intimidation against Jody. Good luck, idiot. Oh, here I run over to Morgan. I got 14, but... You got a 14? Yeah. You rolled to me. 12. You got a 7 plus 5, so that's 12. Morgan looks like she's having a lot of fun playing soccer. Shame if only one of the guys she was interested in was playing soccer.

The FBI agent I'm holding, I just grab him. I just tear him in half and throw him back. I'm like, let's go. And Schmanker goes, my brother. Was he baptized? Yeah. The whole family. I turn to Schmanker. I say, you may not make it to heaven, but this is a beautiful game. You play in honor of her son and maybe whoever's up there will let you in. That's what all soccer players are hoping for. Roll persuasion again. 15. I hear the big J is a big fan. Big J.

Is that for Jesus or Jehovah? Whatever you believe in, buddy. So he only rolled a 12. So he goes, you know, I think you're right. I think heaven erases sins based on quality of athletic performance.

Contribution. Contribution, yeah. All NFL players go to heaven. Sadly. Play like your son's watching, which they will because they all watch soccer in heaven. That's true. And they call it soccer. And they call it soccer. It's called soccer, you fucking prick. And it is America. So...

You know what? Yeah, I'm going to do it for my son who's watching me up in heaven. Let's do this. FBI guys, fellow agents, don't worry about the demon for now. For now, we have a soccer team to beat. We only need four more of you guys, though. Only four of you, then. Me and three other guys. Who wants it? And then everybody's like, me, me, me. And he picks the three most athletic guys, and the other guys go, oh. And they sit by the side. So.

So it is currently Morgan, Glenn, all of you, Jody, Agent Schmeggin, and three other soccer players versus 11. Yeah, we have a full 11 now. You have a full 11 and they have a full 11 now. So it's an even game. So they put the soccer ball down in the middle. Can a small team of demon children lead us out onto the pitch? Yes. Oh, yeah. They're all holding your hands. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. We got to do this right. You got to do this right. Please stand for the Demon National Anthem. Ah!

*laughter*

You just hear a bunch of little kids going, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. They all land and then lead us in. They all lead you in one at a time onto the field. And it's time for the point. Taylor's getting carried like a candy cane. He talks to his kids like, so what you in here for, buddy? Insider training? Well, he's a kid, so I can't say anything. I don't think it's going to be really sad. No, he was. They're all born here. I just wasn't baptized. I ate some lead paint and I wasn't baptized. Oh, God.

I call you into another. Ah, wall chips. Yeah, yeah. Forbidden chips. Your captains line up at the ball. I guess me and Scarry are both like this. We both. Captain. We refuse to not be captain. Here's your chance to shit talk them and demoralize them.

You guys are in hell, so that fucking sucks for you. Yeah, it fucking sucks. Being in hell. Well, well, well, we found a way out of hell anytime we like. That's why we're at your school all the time, idiot. We can come as go as we please. Nice try. Must be stressful to feel like you're stuck in two worlds. Not able to share the true self that lies within. Heads. And the guy flips the coin. And lands tails.

So you get to choose whether you want to kick or receive. What is it? Guys came and win a coin toss and you're going to win a soccer game. Ooh, that's good. We're going to kick first, right? Yep. Kick first. I tossed the ball to scare. I just look at her. I just say, don't fuck this up. Don't fuck this up.

You already fucked this up. Fuck you. Fuck you. Language, children. If you suck as much as a friend, I mean, if you suck as much, I mean, if you suck as much at soccer as you do at friendship, then we're going to have a problem. Yeah, well, then we both suck and we're going to lose this game. So, like, that would suck for you. First game back and you already lost. Fucking, this isn't me back. Normal panics and kicks the ball.

We gotta pick ourselves up and say Not today, no, not today

Dungeons and Daddies is Matt Arnold as Lincoln Lee Wilson. Anthony Burch is our DM. Will Campos is Normal Oak. Beth May is Scary Marlo. And myself, Freddie Wong, is Taylor Swift. Special guest this week, Jimmy Wong as Jodie Foster. Theme song is On My Way by Max and Waller. Brian Fernandez is our content producer. Ashley Nicolette is our community manager. Esther Ellis is our lead editor. Travis Reeves provides additional editing. And Robin Rapp is our transcriber.

This podcast is directly supported by our Patreon, which features the likes of people like Miriam, Joey Lopez, Matthew Simpkin, Sergeant Pinky, Sam J. Murphy, TJ Vivier, Mel Hayes, Tegan Michael Sheridan, Howard Gawlier, Tanisha Gonti, Lavi Nichols, Joseph Gravel, NFam, Elizabeth Lai, Ultima Pharaoh, Jacob, Shadow Burdick, Joshua Sisk, Glenn, and Jabbles Raz. Supporting us at patreon.com slash dungeonsanddads directly supports this show, and you can get ad-free episodes and bonus content

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We all said the B word. That's why we're here. Yes, yes, because you're sinless otherwise. Yeah. Taylor, I know what you do at night. Anyway. Yes. I watch a lot of anime. And we will leave it at that.