be our valentine? with Zolita
56:58 Share

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that.

and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need. Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wishlists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee, and I would love...

to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings, but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot...

Shopify helps you do your thing, however you cha-ching. From the launch your online shop stage, all the way to the we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify's there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash special offer, all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash special offer.

Okay, hi guys. Welcome back to X's and O's, a podcast where I talk about queer relationships and sex. I'm still doing my intro two times right now because I already filmed the whole episode with Zoe and we did the intro again. So I don't really know how to navigate doing my beginning part and then doing the beginning part with a guest.

But I'm going to figure it out. We will figure that out eventually. But as of right now, I'm just going to do the intro twice. But I'm your host, Shannon Beveridge. Thank you for joining me on this fine Valentine's Day or whenever you're listening. It's so crazy about the internet. Like, you could be watching this December 12th, 2025 if it's still up, which it should be. I hope it is, but...

So weird about the internet, right? Anyway, it's kind of crazy. Like my whole YouTube channel will forever be a time capsule that I can go back and look at. And I do every once in a while, very rarely, but every once in a while, I do look back on it and holy shit. I don't know if it's normal to have this much content of yourself, but it's, I have it. I have it and I can look at it if I want to. Scary. You can look at it if you want to.

even scarier. I'm joined here today with Quinn, Quincy Fox. She's in the whole podcast episode. She's very tired.

And that's her contribution for the day. Anyway, yes, it's Valentine's Day. Zoe and I talk about Valentine's Day in this episode. We give a lot of advice. We hear a lot of confessions and it's super fun. I'm so excited about having this phone line set up and I can't wait to keep doing stuff like that. A quick check-in with my drive February. I have basically put myself in every scenario possible where drinking is involved, including like birthday parties, bars,

Super Bowl parties, dinner parties, like anywhere, everywhere that I... I did everything. I've done everything the last...

two and a half weeks the way I would normally be living my life and just doing it soberly and it's really nice to actually like not drink with intention versus just like usually when I've done dry January and stuff it's more of a cleanse and less like intentional less like trying to figure out my physical anxiety and like just the my relationship with alcohol and how I

I sometimes will drink in like a stressful situation instead of just like to make a fun time more fun because I think that's the way we all should be drinking is to make a fun time more fun, not to make a stressful time less stressful. It's been nice to clock. I feel like in general, if you've been watching my podcast regularly, then you know that my therapist and I, my whole thing that I'm supposed to be doing to kind of work on myself is just to notice things, like notice the things that make me feel the way I feel and I'm

I've actually really, really, really been so conscious of all of that. And yeah, it's been nice. I've been feeling so much better. If you're somewhere and you've been like needing a push to go to therapy, let this be your push because I'm so pro-therapy. It's been so nice. Anyway, back to Valentine's Day. If you are in love this Valentine's Day, congratulations. If you are heartbroken this Valentine's Day, congratulations.

I'm so sorry and I see you and I love you and the lows only make the highs higher and you will get through it. I promise I've been through horrible breakups. You will be okay. I promise if you are hanging out with friends this Valentine's Day same if you are alone this Valentine's Day. I hope you have some way to communicate with someone even if it's like your parents or your best friend or your sibling and

Communicate your love to someone because this day is not just about romantic love. It's about love in general. So I hope you reach out to someone. Tell them you love them. If you can't think of anyone you want to say that to, write it in the comments below and tell me. I would love to hear it. And I love you back. Okay. I hope you guys enjoy this episode. I love my roommate Zoe. This was a last minute episode. I was actually going to take a break this week and...

I was supposed to tell you that in my last episode and then I didn't say it. So then I was like, you know what? I will just, I can push through and I'm going to make an episode. And so me and Zoe sat down today and filmed. And next week, my guest will be Vanessa. And I'm so excited for that. My bestie, Vanessa from Canada. So if you want to leave any questions on this video for next video with Vanessa, I will look through the comments. Okay. Love you guys.

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. We're harmonizing. We're not. Okay, hi guys. Well, my hands. Hey guys. Hey guys. Okay.

Okay, hi guys. Welcome back to X's and O's, a podcast where we talk about queer relationships and sex. It is Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. I have a very special guest with me here today. Her name is Zoe Hotel or Zolita. Oh my god, my full name. Wait, how do you, you think I say your name weird? Say it again. Zolita? Yeah, you always call me Zolita. Do you always say Zolita?

No, I like how you say it. I think you should keep saying it that way. I don't know why I can't change it. Anyway, my roommate Zoe is back for another episode, a special Valentine's Day episode. This episode is going to be like 90% y'all's call-in.

And text to my phone number, which I will remind you of now. In case you want to be a part of a future episode, you can either call or text 213-775-6258. And I think international numbers work because I keep getting questions about that, but I definitely have gotten...

international messages. So if you're not from America, I can get your message. It is Valentine's Day if you're listening to this. Happy Valentine's Day. Welcome to our casa, our single household. Our single household. But you know what? It's going to be a great Valentine's Day. Look at this decorations. I went all out. I literally waited till the day before to film this just because Amazon didn't send me my decorations in time. But you know what? And you know what?

I think about Valentine's Day. What? So much pressure when you're in a relationship. So much pressure. It's kind of nice to like just spend it with your friends and like self-love and we're going to go to Dave and Buster's with all of our single friends and that'll be so fun. Be Galentines. Yeah. Galentines. Valentine's Day is like such a build up. It feels like

It's like the couple version of New Year's Eve. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's like so much. So true. So true. So much buildup. And then you're like, and then also restaurants suck on Valentine's Day. Oh my God. Yeah. The only good way to do a Valentine's. Tasting menus or whatever. Or like, or prefix menus. Oh, they're so bad. Didn't that happen to you last year? Yes. And I hated that prefix menu. It was not good. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah.

Valentine's Day last year for me was also not the best holiday. No. It never is though. No. It just never is. It is any holiday I guess with the tons of expectations and like you think you should feel a certain way. Exactly. Always going to be a little bit of a letdown, right? Which is kind of like every holiday if you think about it. Yeah. Except for Halloween. Yeah. Okay. You love Halloween. Because Halloween lasts a week long now. Yeah. You have many opportunities for. Okay. Can we talk about this though?

If you're watching... A cute little guest. Okay, Quinn, I'm so sorry. I kind of just manhandled you. Okay, Quinn is here. If you're watching, you can see her. If you're not watching... Say hi, Quinn. Okay, she's here.

As well as Valentine's Day, it is also one week post Zoe's release date of her music video for Bloodstream. It came out last Thursday and you're watching this on Wednesday potentially. We're going to put in a snippet of the video. I creative directed it. Zoe did every, literally every single other thing for this video. She is a star. But I'm going to put in a bit of the acting part here. Anything you want to say? Yeah.

I feel like it's the perfect song to listen to on Valentine's Day. It really is. Let's ring in Valentine's Day with a little bit of Bloodstream. Hell yeah. Yeah. And the last thing I have to say about it is that there's more to come. There's like a whole series that's going to come probably next month. Fuck yeah. Okay. Enjoy a snippet of Bloodstream the music video and stream the song. If you haven't yet, put it on your playlist. Room service. Hi. Hi. What are you doing here? You practically like me to help you prep for Q&A.

Okay, this is actually not Valentine's Day related, but we should answer it because we didn't answer it on the podcast, but...

the first episode we did it says hey shannon and zoe i just rewatched your latest podcast to find out if you had already answered my question but you did not how did you guys meet and then become roommates love your podcast shannon oh my god oh and they love your song ruined my life thank you i'm wearing a room my life hoodie right now wow oh my god what are the odds what are the odds so we met at a gay bar of course at flaming saddles which is now closed that's so sad

But I knew who you were because I went to NYU with... An ex of mine. I went to NYU with one of your exes and who...

very randomly I was almost roommates with that's kind of some crazy lore right I feel like no one knows no one knows that I was almost we were almost roommates freshman year um and then but yeah I feel like we were acquaintances kind of throughout college never really close but I we followed each other obviously and I knew who you were and then you yeah you came up to me at the bottom I was like hey we know each other and I was like yeah

Yeah, I feel like we do know each other. And then we became friends. But then after that, the funny thing is that we started running into each other everywhere. I had also just moved back to LA from New York.

Oh, yeah. And I was living in WeHo and we ran into each other. I think the third time was at, it was like Hamburger Mary's. Oh, my God. I went back to your apartment with you. Yeah. And then you were just like, you were like, I was like, what are you doing right now? We're all like hanging out. And you're like, nothing. I think I've just gotten broken up with. You were going through a break, you were going through a breakup and you were like, I want new friends. Yep. There it is. So, and then we went to a cafe and I did your tarot cards and that was most LA thing that ever happened. Yeah.

that is so true that is so true you were deep in your witch era deep in my witch era i was so lost i was like tell me anything i just remember i had my future you pulled that card where it's got all the knives in the back and i was like yeah that is feeling like me right now oh my god but yeah that's how we met and then we became roommates because we both were moving at the same time and ended up texting each other and i was like i'm going home for a few months and you're like i

i was like i'm staying with my mom for a few months and i was like oh we want to move at the same time it's perfect it was so perfect yeah and so we've lived in this apartment or house since march 2021 we'll be yeah we're on our three-year anniversary my constant in my life are happy we keep saying domestic bliss yeah domestic partnership our domestic partnership yeah it's very sweet well now that we both are like just like navigating being single i feel like we're we're

I don't know. It's like a new dynamic. Leaning on each other in a different way. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Because we're not like hanging out with the partner. Yeah. And it's also just like, I feel like our house used to be pretty full. There'd be like four of us here at one time and now it's just the two of us. Just the two of us and we're making each other tea every night. Making each other tea. It's beautiful. Yeah. It's very fun. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot.

Shopify helps you do your thing, however you cha-ching. From the launch your online shop stage all the way to the we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify's there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash special offer, all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash special offer.

The saddest thing is that so many questions are about lesbian bed death. Like, so many. Like, so many. I think that happens to straight people, too, though. Does it? In long-term relationships. I think sex is just, like, a hard... It just, like, changes a lot throughout a long-term relationship. And... Yeah. But, yeah, I guess it is really associated with... I feel like lesbians just, like, spend too much time together. And maybe that's why it happens more. Yeah. Because, like, with straight couples, there's more, like...

like boys nights and girls you know i mean there's more like separation so there's time to miss each other and time to like not be with each other all the time yep um so maybe that's why it's like you're always it's like really easy to just like be like let's just be together all the time yeah and then you get your really your like romantic relationship starts to feel like more friendship yes yes because you're hanging out with all your friends yeah totally but also i feel like

Um, it's because straight sex is like easier or like men have a higher, like, it's just like, I don't know. We need a sex therapist to come and talk about it. Yeah, totally. It's obviously a phenomenon. Even the fact that I got that many questions about it. It's like, yeah, it's affecting people. I think that also straight sex like can obviously lesbian sex can last really short too. But I think that there is kind of like a,

It can last forever also. And in the beginning, obviously, it does last forever because you're like, you want to keep going and going and going. But then you associate sex with being like, okay, this is going to be a marathon. So I have to be ready. If we start right now, I'm like, you have those fears in your head. Yeah, you set an expectation too of that's good sex. But it's like, that doesn't have to be good sex. There can be all kinds of good sex. That's so true. Lesbians can have quickies too, but I feel like it's just more rare. Yeah.

that's a great sound that's why it's good they can have cookies too that is why i think sex before you are going out or before you're like you have to meet people or like go to dinner that's the best because if you have a time constraint okay time constraint so fun and also it's like not as like intimidating going into it right and then also um then you have a secret when you go out and you meet your friends you're like oh my god what

Oh my god, it's actually so true. It's funny when you go out with someone and you can tell that happened. You can tell. You can so tell. It's in the air. Yeah. Sex in the air. I'm going to get a sex therapist in here at some point to talk about it. I'm going to get one for myself. I thought you were just going to get one for yourself. Just for me. I was like, go off. No, I want someone to come talk about it because I'm very curious. It's clearly affecting people.

And what is the answer to the problem? Also, I think women in general have, not all, but a lot of women, sex, you have to feel really good in the relationship and safe and secure to want to sleep with someone. So then you have two women and there's maybe not like this, like a man instigating the sex as much. And then it just like more time passes. And there's nothing more awkward than like when a lot of time has passed since you slept with your partner and then you're like,

Are we okay? Yes, yes, yes. There's pressure and it's like this like... It just builds. I think also accepting that like in a long-term relationship, sex is going to like fluctuate and change and like it's not going to always be the same way and it's definitely not going to always be like it was just in the beginning, you know? And just like being...

like knowing that that doesn't mean your relationship's bad so true you know yeah i don't think it's not necessarily a sign that you have to give up totally it definitely is a sign that something you should need to work on yeah figure something out i feel like that's when you need to go do like meet me at a bar and pretend like you don't know each other kind of vibe so fun i love that so much i feel like you were just like reminiscing oh god i love it i'm like where'd she just go

Hi Shannon. First off, I can't believe you made a number for us to call. And second of all, I can't believe I'm calling it right now. How many is too many orgasms?

If your love goes once, do you just match? But what if you have like eight more in the tank? Like, what's too many? What's selfish? What's okay? Anyway, happy Valentine's Day to you, Shannon and Zolita. Love, love, love, Bloodstream.

take care bye what if I have eight more in the tank eight more in the tank go off if your partner I mean I don't think there's too many orgasms I don't think there's too many either like I would never think if you don't get tired just keep going I don't know yeah I feel like read the read the room yeah read the vibes yeah is there such thing as too many I don't think so yeah that's my maybe if you're spending your whole day doing like I don't know yeah I guess like

Or if you're like forcing someone to stay down, stay down. Yeah, maybe not that. Maybe don't do that. But also I feel like you can tell if someone wants to be doing what they're doing. Read the room. Read the room. Read the room. If you've got eight more in the tank, let them out. Eight more in the tank.

I wanted to ask your thoughts on what you think a masked person should wear for lingerie. I always find there's a hard line and I don't really want to wear stereotypical clothing, but I don't want to look like I don't put effort in, you know? Well, this is a great time to mention the sponsor of this podcast. A huge thank you to TomboyX for sponsoring this video. TomboyX creates sustainable size and gender inclusive underwear, loungewear, and

and swimwear for everyone. They make everything from bikinis and briefs and boy shorts and underwear for tucking and compression tops, and they make all of those in sizes 3XS to 6X. If you are a mask person struggling to find lingerie, lingerie, I highly, highly, highly recommend Tomboy X. It's so cute, so hot. Tomboy X is also a queer run and queer founded

company which is amazing and as queer people if you're watching and you're queer or if you're an ally we have to support our queer run businesses our queer founded businesses it's so so so important supporting them also supports my podcast and if you want to get a pair of cute boy shorts I

and your mask lingerie or if you're femme, they also have underwear for you, go to www.tomboyx.com/shannon for 20% off everything in the store. Thank you TomboyX for sponsoring this video and for making me feel hot. I love to feel hot.

Thank you. What do you think as someone who is attracted to sometimes mask lesbians? Yeah. Or mask people? What do you think is hot? Because I totally relate to the question also of wanting to feel like you put effort in. Briefs. What are those called? Like the tight ones? Like boxer briefs. Yeah. I think even like fan presenting people wearing...

It's hot too. Tomboy acts hot too. I know. I think there's just this thing where like for me because I identify kind of mass like tomboy-ish. But

Where if I'm dating someone and they have like full ass lingerie on and I'm like, that's so nice. Like you really, that's like you put effort in and you went out of your way to like look good. Yeah. And then I'm like, I want to look like I tried. And so there's something about just like a sports bra that feels like wrong. I didn't try. But something I like doing is if you're like having like a night out,

like that and you know that someone's wearing lingerie i would wear like tomboy x like underwear and then i would wear i would wear like a ribbed tank and then come out in that you know tight that's hot and you can see through it that's hot someone just knocked on the door hold on this one is kind of this is gonna make me giggle and i'm but i'm i swear i'm mature and i'm not making fun of anyone but it's just okay

Okay, so I'm a newly mostly out lesbian and by new I mean I first told someone I liked girls at 10 and have had 10 girls I've talked to never officially dated in my life. So I've been coming out for like 15 years anyways. I haven't had sex with a girl in over two years and I think due to internalized homophobia or just fear of intimacy, I never let myself get to the point where I would get off in the past experiences with girls. Now that I feel comfortable with myself, my body, my sexuality, I'm excited to start having sex but I'm scared because when I am at home, when I finish...

I squirt and it's a lot. It's so sick that you could just squirt every time you finish alone. Oh my God. Go you. Okay. So they said, I just wondered, is there any advice for that? Should I tell a partner before? I don't know. It's just a lot. And I, I'm scared. It's personal and I'm scared. Anyways. Should you tell someone before if you know what's going to happen? I feel like maybe surprise them. They'll probably love it. I don't know. You think? Yeah.

I don't... It depends on how you feel about it. Yeah. If you're like nervous, I would be scared that I would say, you know, this happens when I finish and then what if you didn't? And then you're like... I feel like just let it happen and they're going to feel awesome about themselves too. Okay. Love the advice. That's... I don't know. Maybe that's the wrong advice. No, I feel like that's... I feel like...

Yeah, I feel like I'd be like, okay, I crushed that. I would feel pretty awesome if that happened. Yeah, if I was on the other side of that. Good for you, honestly. Yeah, I would never be embarrassed about that. No. Don't go into sleeping with someone thinking that that's like a bad thing about yourself. Definitely not. That's so hot. Yay, we're so proud of you. Get back out there. Have you or Zoe ever been attracted to each other's partners or hookups?

I don't think we have, we don't really have the same type. No, that's what I was thinking. I'm like, I feel like we don't have much crossover in our, there's maybe been like a couple of people in our whole friendship where we like both mutually were attracted to them. Yeah. Not that much. Like maybe, yeah, no. Yeah. It's not a lot of crossover. You know, thank God. Thank God. We are fine over here. Thank God. Hi Shannon. Um, I just wanted to share a quick experience I had about, um, uh,

I don't know how many years ago now, but this girl who was not out yet to her family. And honestly, I really wasn't either. But we were both home from college at the time. And we were in her bed in her childhood room at her parents' place, right? We're making out. Things are getting a little steamy.

all of a sudden we hear the garage door open and she was like oh my god you have to go hide go get in the closet like currently I've been working for years to try to get out of this closet and now you're telling me I gotta sit down with your dirty laundry your lip smackers from 2006 and

it's this isn't it i don't think we hung out again though but hope you're doing well girly um peace and love it's funny not the hope you're doing well i love the lip smackers from 2006 we all have one don't we so valid that's so funny i had friends who used to have sex in the closet whoa really they were on the same volleyball team i think in college and like lived with a bunch of their college teammates yeah and so they would like hook up in their closet oh my god it's

It's the darkest. Seven minutes in heaven. Literally. It's like the gayest shit ever. Have you ever had to hide? No. When you were hooking up with someone somewhere? No. Have you? No, but definitely. Like one time I made out with this girl in the very back of an expedition and her dad was driving the car. But you know how expeditions are really long? Yeah. Yeah. Just like sneaky shit like that. Sneaky make out vibes. Definitely was doing a lot of that. Yeah. I don't think I've ever...

We were just talking about this, though, because I had experiences in high school and you kind of didn't really. No, with girls? Yeah, no, not at all. And then you were in New York. And then I was in New York and it was like wall to wall. Everybody just doing anything they wanted. Yeah. Yeah. I went to Oklahoma. I like repressed. I went from like hooking up with a girl to like miserable. Terrible. I made out with someone in your room once during a big party. And your mirror fell to the floor. Yeah.

You didn't tell me that. Didn't break though. Thank God. Hey, for the new ep with Zoe, what are playlists for breakups, best friends, et cetera? Drop the songs, please. If you don't know, I have a playlist that's building from every episode. Each guest picks a breakup song and a sex song and then it's like growing. So if you are interested in finding new music or like just like cool music, the link is in the bio of both Spotify and Spotify.

I guess all of them, actually. The link is in the bio. You can click it. And I'm going to make Zoe pick two new songs. So she'll have four songs now on it. Also, another...

My recommendation also, Spotify makes, you can look up like breakup playlist. It'll be like sad breakup or like angry breakup. And it's for you. And I make it for you based off of stuff you already listened to. Okay, Spotify is kind of the best. Yeah. I matched with a girl online over a month ago and we quickly started talking on the phone a lot and had great conversations. And after a week, we decided to go on a date. I put her address in my GPS and she lived a street over from me. We had our first date and it lasted a whole weekend as queer dates do. Okay.

And we have been going strong for a month and seem super comfortable. When is it too soon to make things official? We both also deleted our online dating profiles after our first date. Wow. After the first date? They said, we like each other. Yeah, dang. What do you think? I feel like there's no time. I don't know. I don't think there's any time too soon to make things official.

I think if you're really feeling it and if you... Yeah, I don't think that there's any rule. No. Just like... Definitely no rule, but also just be mindful, I feel. Yeah. But also like we put so much pressure on relationships too. Like you can get in a relationship and you can also leave it. Yeah, yeah. Just because you make it official and your girlfriend... It's just a word. It's a word. Yeah. It doesn't mean you're stuck. So if you're feeling that way, but also...

I feel like you also would want it to feel special. So if you're going to do it, just make sure it's like the right. Also, there's no rush. Right. You can say. We're giving it all back and forth. I know. I'm like, wait a second. Don't get in that relationship. I think there's no rule on timing, but I also think there's no rush. And if you could, you can also, you know, you can clarify like, okay, we're not hooking up with other people. But you don't need to be like, we are committed partners now. Totally. Yeah.

You know what I mean? For sure. You can take it a little bit slower if you want. I don't know. Yeah. I think there's no rule. I think like a normal progression, the first step is just being like, you're the only one I'm sleeping with. Yes. You're the only one I'm seeing right now. And then it could go from there. Agreed. Yeah. But good luck with that. Sounds beautiful.

I used to believe in love. We're so happy for you. We're so happy. What advice would you give to anyone who faces rejection by their crush? Would your advice differ if the crush is gay or straight? First of all, no. I feel like crush rejection is universal for no matter who.

I was thinking this is kind of interesting because you kind of had an experience where you had a big crush on someone. And was rejected. Uh-huh. But then it did come full circle. Yeah. I think that in general, though, if a crush rejects you, you just got to like respect that. Move on. And I mean, like you could have a lucky situation where they come back around. It could work out. It could work out for you. Yeah.

But I feel like generally listen to what people say when they say it. And yeah, it doesn't feel good to like pine after someone who doesn't want you. No. I do think the best answer is just to accept it. Accept it. Yeah. And then just move on. But yeah.

It can. Sometimes it comes around. Sometimes it can turn around. But don't wait. Like. But don't wait. Don't wait around. Just move on. And don't waste your time. I feel. Like there's so many people out there. Why would you waste your time with someone who's not gung-ho like 100%? I like you. Completely. Completely. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's. I just thought of that whole phrase of the like. I feel like a lot of the time people. They're like being a part of a club that doesn't. That doesn't.

will have you not wanting to be a part of okay she's got it um yeah i feel like a lot of the time people like want people who don't want them back because it's the whole idea of like why would you want to be a part of a club that would have you wouldn't have you no that would have you or like it's if a club would have you and like yes i just don't know the saying but i'm trying why it's like i don't want to be a part of a club that would accept me because you're like

If they would like me, then what's wrong with them? So it just basically all comes back down to self-love. My brain is missing. It all comes back down to self-love. And if you love yourself and then when somebody loves you. It's so much better that way. Then you believe them because you're like, yeah, I am great. And of course they would like me, you know? Totally. That is what I'm working on.

Self-love. For so long, I was like, oh, I don't like myself, which I definitely have issues with myself. But I feel like I do kind of like myself a little bit. I more so don't. Yay. I do kind of like myself. A little bit. A sprinkle. I just don't trust myself. Like, I don't like...

You're working on self-trust. Self-trust. Yeah. I mean, self-love is wrapped up in that as well. But I'm not like, oh, I'm the worst person I've ever met. Yeah. Yeah. Thank God. I'm taking baby steps. Baby steps. I may have thought that like two weeks ago and now I'm like, what?

I'm not half-assed. Sometimes I'm okay. We're working on it. We're really working on it. My wife and I have been married for six years, and a little over a year ago, we met this other married lesbian couple. We have discussed the idea of asking them about swinging. How do we ask them without making it feel weird or affecting our friendship? Whoa! Exactly.

I don't know if either of us have good advice for this because neither of us are in this situation. I mean, I think that in general with any of the situations, like open communication and asking and then just being like no stress at all. You are just like absolutely not. Yeah. We will not be offended. Just test the waters. You could also like have a nice cook-em dinner. Yeah.

have them over cook them dinner put on a little music suss out the energy yeah maybe ask like have you guys play a game play triple x but we're not really strangers there you go there are some sexy questions in there and just like suss out the vibe and see if that's something that they've ever been that's what i'm curious about just see if they're curious about that too that's what and then you can see if they're curious about you yeah start with the sussing of the vibe i feel like

It's so easy to ask. Like, it's not crazy in this day and age to ask a question like, oh, like, have you guys ever thought about being open or like, have you ever done? Totally. Just have a fun conversation. And then you just figure it out and then don't say anything if it's like, absolutely not. Bring a pineapple over to their house. Isn't that the thing for swingers? No way. Yes. If you put pineapples outside of your house, it means you're a swinger household. Oh, my God. That's funny. Bring a pineapple to the next dinner party. We start covering her lot in pineapples.

We're not even in relationships. We're swinging. We're swinging roommates. But I feel like there's a good way to do it. And I think you could also not ruin the friendship before. I don't know what will happen once you start swinging. Yeah. That's a whole other... That's up for... It's up for debate. Hi, Shannon and Zalita. I was hoping to get some advice from both of you on my current situation. I'm a 21-year-old woman-loving woman, virgin, and not for a lack of trying, but rather some serious trust issues. I'm a 21-year-old woman,

I've known for a long time that I have no interest in hookups. However, I still very much want to have sex.

That's so nice. So sweet. Trust, for me, is a huge thing. Yeah, I feel like this is like a... For me, I'm very like need to... Feel so... Pretty much like need to know someone like...

pretty well but like not super well but I need to know that like they're a vetted person that other people know that I'm not like in a in a sketchy for sex I could like I could make out with whoever it's not that deep to me but sex to me is like more intense what about you sex is not as intense to me

I think I've used to say that, say this. I was like, I just, I'm so curious. I'm such a curious person. And I don't know if I think this way now, but I used to like, when I was especially in my like crazy, like exploratory era post-1990s,

Your first like big breakup. The big breakup with the one who cheated a million times. When I was in my exploratory era, I was like just so curious about people. I was like, I wonder what they would be like in bed. I literally would think that the first, that would be like one of the first thoughts in my mind. I don't know if anybody can relate to that, but.

The first thing I would think of if I met somebody that I found a little bit attractive was like, I wonder what they'd be like having sex. That's... And I don't even picture people... I can't picture people having sex. I guess like I can't picture it either, but that's why I wonder. I want to know. I want to know. So I'm an explorer. You're like, you know how I could find out what they're like having sex? I'll have sex with them. I'm an explorer and an adventurer. But...

Yeah. But yeah, I think friends with benefits can work if both people, if there's, I think just open communication always about anything. And I think it can work to a point. To a point. To a point. I think, well, like we have a friend who's been in a friends with benefits situation for years. Yeah. I guess it can work for a long time. Yeah. If you just purely both know that like. It's not going anywhere but that. Yeah.

I think I would struggle with that. Yeah, that wouldn't... I think that would work for a certain type of people and then probably for most people. I think for... And also... Wouldn't. I think I would struggle with it too if it became consistent. That's the thing. Like, you know what I mean? I think I would catch feelings. Rather than like one person you know that you sometimes... You like have a vibe with and that you like randomly can go home with sometimes. Yeah. But you're not like trying to meet up. Yeah, but I don't know if I could do it. Yeah. I feel like you...

Sex is like sex is not so precious to me. Mm-hmm. But like you're not gonna have a good time if you don't get safe I'm gonna have a good time

It's so funny being roommates with each other because we are so different. So different. We are so different. Back to the part about you being 20 and a virgin and not for a lack of trying, whatever. It will happen when it's meant to happen. Definitely. And I hope you wait for someone that it just feels right. Not like... Especially if that's what you want. Yeah. It doesn't have to be the love of your life. I'm not saying like wait for... Wait for someone that you feel really safe and that you trust. Because that's...

That person exists. Yes. Hi, guys. I'm from Texas. Yeehaw. Me too. And I've noticed that there are so many masked lesbians that don't want to take the strap, like won't even talk about it. They act like it's too feminine or embarrassing or something. It seems super rooted in gender roles. And I'm wondering if it's just me because I'm in Texas or if y'all have noticed that stereotype too. I think that's a stereotype. Definitely. Across the board. Anywhere. Not just in Texas. Mm-hmm.

you'll definitely find I definitely know mask people who are down to oh absolutely yeah explore in that way I think if that's something you want like you're wanting a mask person who would want to do that you can find them it's like that

That's something you should talk about and then find someone who's interested in doing it. Yeah, communicate and see what... Yeah. Yeah. I definitely... I feel like there is like a gender role thing going on there, but also... Just because it's like in our... Mm-hmm. Because we live in such a heteronormative world. Mm-hmm. But it doesn't have to be. I don't think like...

Penetration is not inherently submissive. Like getting penetrated is not inherently submissive. It can be very like, you know? Yeah, I agree. I hate that. I don't think it's, yeah. No, I agree completely. You said that the other day and I was like, that is so true. Right? Yes. You can receive in a way that is dominant. Yeah, and it's not, it's also not inherently like feminine. No, definitely not. Obviously. Definitely not. Anyway, you can find someone. It is a stereotype, but masks are definitely...

Definitely fine with Cheat Race. Yeah.

Quinn said yes. Okay, this is a confession kind of. Are you ready? I'm ready. I'm a 32-year-old cis lady engaged to a cis het man. We've been dating for eight years and during the first half of our relationship, the light bulb to my queerness went on. It was kind of an aha moment where I realized I have been masturbating to women loving women porn or even love stories and I started to rethink some of my previous relationships with women in my past. My partner is super supportive and amazing. I can be open about my sexuality with him, but I can't help but fantasize about women.

While I don't feel I need to validate my queerness, I guess my question is, how common is this in the queer community? Am I even queer if I've never been with a woman?

First of all, yeah. Yes. Yes. You don't have to sleep with someone. You think you're queer and you are having those desires? Yes. That is like a tough situation. I don't know what I would do if I were deep into like a monogamous relationship and then had it explored. And then suddenly have that. Yeah. I feel like I definitely know people that that's happened. Me too. And yeah, that's that. I'm sure that's tough. I guess just talk about it.

Yeah. And hope that there's a world for exploration. I mean, yeah, everything, honestly, every single question we ever answer. Yeah. It's going to be like, yeah, because you don't want to hold a part of yourself back, even if it's just like communicating that to your partner. Like you don't want to hide a part of yourself that you're discovering. Totally. I think I would struggle with like thinking like, did I, I would want to explore every part of myself and it would be hard for me to,

know that there was a part of yourself that existed that you never got to see through that's hard but you don't you don't want to lose your long-term partner if you're in such a good relationship i feel for you we feel for you but maybe you have the understanding yeah maybe there's like an opportunity for like a threesome or something yeah who knows yeah we're rooting for you but thank you for trusting us with this thank you for your confession

my name is Catherine thank you so much for having this phone line available I'm in my early 30s and recently discovered that I'm queer while I have a lot of fears about coming out my main one is that female friends both past and present will look back at our friendship and wonder and ever and wonder if she was ever into me uh like that time she was dancing close to me did she feel something for me any help would be so appreciated thank you Shana appreciate you

That is the most classic like fear. We've all felt it. Every queer woman's felt it. Literally. It's like classic like locker room fear too. Totally. Did they think I was looking like... Oh my god, I was always so afraid. I would only in high school when I did photography, I only took pictures of women and they were all very like sensual photos and I was always terrified when I of coming out and being like, oh my god, they're gonna think I was such a creep. Like they're gonna think I was like Terry Richardson vibes. Yeah.

Oh my god, I was scared too in sports and stuff. Yeah. And then in my sorority, everyone always thought I was super prude because I would always turn around when everyone was changing. And then I just leaned into that as my thing. And I would just be like, yeah, I'm prude. I don't want anyone to see me naked. I don't want to see people naked. I'm like, that's just a me thing, which I don't care about that as much as I let. I mean, it did actually then become kind of real. Okay.

I did start getting kind of weird about people being naked around me. Yeah. But I've gotten, now I'm like, okay, people know you're gay and it's fine. Yeah, definitely. But I think that's just like a common phenomenon and something you just have to let go of because it doesn't, you can't go back in time and change anything you did. And you know the truth. I'm sure you probably did have some, there probably were some times that you did have a crush. I look back on some of the things I did and I'm like,

I was cuddling with you because I liked you. Yeah. But a good friend, a good lifelong friend is not going to give a shit. Yeah, exactly. You know? The people who really love and care about you are not going to think back and be like, creepy. Maybe they'll be so happy we've played a part in your journey. Yeah. You know? That would be a good friend. Also just know that that's literally something that... It's so universal. Oh my God. That is a universal experience. Yeah. You're not alone. Hey Shannon. Hi.

And she was like,

super super hot but anywho she was over my place she like brought her vibrator with her and she get on top I'm trying to be all sexy she has like the vibrator between us I get on top and like vibrator just dies and there's this dead toy between us and she's at my place so there's no way to charge it and long story short end up just fucking laughing it off awkward moment turned hilarious and this is just fun advice for anyone out there who's nervous about it

sleeping with another woman for the first time like not fake it you make it obviously find someone you're comfortable with just have fun with it it's not it's serious but it's not that serious there's nothing like a vibrator dying oh my god it's like such a mood killer and it being between you oh my god who's charging these vibrators not me the funniest thing is that if it happens with somebody like if it happens with like a new person and the vibrator dies they're like are you using that like

You out here using it all the time? No, the worst is when it happens and you're alone and then I'm just like, okay, I'm done now. I guess I'm not. I'm going to finish with my, I'm going to go manual. I literally will just be like, bummer. And sometimes it's even better going manual after. True. True.

Or sometimes. I don't know. Okay. I don't know. We went totally off. The thing I really liked about what she said is about the kid in a fucking candy store thing. Yeah. Because that is like such a classic. I do feel like if you sleep with someone for the first time, they're like, and you're like, oh my God, oh my God. It's like so exciting. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that's also such a validating thing if you're,

unsure of your sexuality and then you start to sleep with a woman if you're feeling that feeling of like a kid in the candy store and you just like oh my god yeah you're definitely not straight yeah just in case you were in case you were scared uh-huh or curious you're definitely not straight if you're feeling that feeling sex should be fun though sex should be fun and funny

Especially like I feel like a lot of girls build up for themselves hooking up with a girl for the first time. But I'm like, you have to remember that you're hooking up with a girl and like women are so kind to each other. Yes. If you find the right person to be hooking up with for the first time, they will make it an enjoyable situation for you. Absolutely. It will be fun. Also, the nice thing, this is something that I feel like is so...

that I talk to my sister about a lot because she is straight. And she is straight. But I feel like a lot of straight women that are having sex with men are like very, it's like, oh my God, I'm so concerned about like the size of my areola or like the way that, or like my, or just like any parts, parts of their body that I feel like with queer women, it's so much less

Totally. There's less fear around that because we're all, we are all so different. All of our bodies are so different. And so I think that's just like, there's not as much of a, I don't know. It's a safer situation. It feels so much safer. The fear is still there. That's the thing. I feel like if you're a woman who's only exclusively slept with men. Yeah. The first time you're hooking up with a girl, you still are in that mindset. Oh, those fears are still going to be there. But once you like sleep with women for a while, then you're just like, oh my God. Yeah. No one cares about the size of my nipple. Yeah.

No, so true. Okay, my question is, how do you slide into someone's DMs? I feel like I'm not a very flirty person. Okay, well, I think you start with story likes potentially because that's apparently... Throw a few story likes. That is like the flirtiest shit apparently ever. Yeah. Or my thing is always just to reply to a story like something funny. Yeah, reply to a story that is repliable. Or like relatable. It doesn't have to be funny if you're not like, that's not your vibe. But just wait for something that's a very good...

conversation starter, reply, see if it goes off.

I think that that's the best way to do it. That's the best way. What if someone doesn't post stories ever, though? Then you're shit out of luck. And it's probably not someone... If someone's not using Instagram and posting stories, I don't think sliding into their DMs is the right way to get to them. You could send them one of their posts and be like, this is really cute. That's good. I don't know. Or be funny about it, too. Or say something. That can be the conversation starter. I love that. That's really smart, Zoe. Thank you. Okay.

Thank you very much. This coming from the girl who's like, Shannon, what should I text back?

I have such texting anxiety. You really do. I really do. The text could be, what are you doing tonight? You're like, does this make sense? I remember. Do you remember? Like, oh my God. I remember like in your first single era. I think I literally in my notes, it was like, hey, smiley face. Hey, explanation. Hey, two Ys. I was like, which one? Literally. Literally. There's nuances here. I mean, it is true. Yeah. Yeah.

When you're first starting talking to someone, you're like, is this cringy? Totally. I'm getting the point too. You're also just like trying to suss out like how do they tell? Yes, exactly. Also, okay, the texting style is just going to say like sometimes I get my head on like ha ha ha ha and laugh my fucking ass off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of laugher are you if you text? Totally, totally. I can overthink anything too, but you definitely overthink it harder. I'm an overthinker, period. Me too, but...

Not about that. I'm just like, let's go. I'm like, I'm going to send one extra Y and they're going to fucking hate me. Last thing. I have a couple fuck Mary kills for us. Are you ready? Yes. Cow's milk, almond milk, and oat milk. Oh my God. I'm going to say Mary oat milk. You know it. Kill almond milk, fuck cow's milk. Me too. That's kind of hot, right? No.

Not that's kind of hot, right? Or Mary Cow's milk. Damn. I don't know. Maybe Mary Cow's milk because you need it for cheese and ice cream and everything. Holy shit. I think I'm actually...

I think you're right. I mean, I'm definitely... Oat milk's going to go out of style at some point. It is. Almond milk is out. Oat milk can go away. It's just too thin. It's so thin. Like, what... You look at an almond and think that would make good milk. Let me milk it. Let me milk that almond. No. I like macadamia milk. Not me. Okay. Not I. Not me. Aubrey Plaza, Natasha Lyonne, and Cate Blanchett. Oh. Okay. That's a tough roster. Yeah.

Mary Kate fuck Audrey kill Natasha. Yeah. I'm Mary Audrey fuck Kate. Yeah. Kill Natasha. Yeah. Yeah. I see that for you. I see that for you. I'm going to do you in your pink hair, blonde hair, dark hair era. Okay. I feel... Okay. I feel awkward saying any of this, but...

I think I would kill pink hair. Uh-huh. Just because I'm not a big like colored hair person. Mary blonde, fuck brunette. Yeah.

That checks out for you. That really checks out for you. Okay. Now you do me in my three relationships. So my first, second, and third. Okay. Let's call them that. Like my first relationship, I'm in my early 20s. You're in your Thrasher, skatey kind of vibe. No, my first relationship, I'm in my like Dallas, still kind of girl next door vibe. Okay, Dallas girl next door. And then second was Thrasher. And like wearing wallet chains and shit. Yeah. Third is this.

Okay. Kill the first one. Fuck the second one. Marry you now. Yeah. It's like the acceptable answer. Yeah. Honestly. The old acceptable answer. We had to get rid of the baby me for sure. Boy genius. Oh my God. Oh my God.

marry julian fuck phoebe actually i would marry phoebe you would marry phoebe and then i probably sleep with lucy yeah i guess oh my god i don't want to kill any of them i don't want to kill any of them i don't want to kill it this game is not real this is not i am like attracted to all three of them in different really different ways but i mean i'm like i think about phoebe a lot i love her i think about phoebe a lot

I want to be best friends with Julianne. Yeah, me too. I want to be friends with all of them. I would say fuck Phoebe, marry Lucy, bestie Julianne. That works. For me personally. Okay, the plastics and their original mean girls. Regina, Karen, Gretchen. Fuck Karen, marry Regina, kill Gretchen. Same. Except for like Karen and Regina could go either way. Mm-hmm.

I would want to be married to Regina. But I was kind of obsessed with Amanda Seyfried. I mean, she's amazing. My crush started for her with Jennifer's Body. But we're talking about their characters, not about the actresses. But she's kind of sweet. Yeah. But, yeah. And Regina's kind of evil. I know, but I kind of like... But Regina's also kind of a lesbian. She'd keep life exciting. Okay. I'm with you. I've changed my answer to yours.

Do you know, do you watch Friends enough to do? No. Okay. Okay, guys, we are wishing you a happy Valentine's Day wherever you are, whoever you're with. If you're alone, don't feel alone. You're with us. You're with us. In our hearts. In our hearts, you're with us. You're with Quinn. Quinn, you slept through the whole podcast, girl. Girl. You slept through the whole podcast.

Happy Valentine's Day. Have a beautiful Valentine's Day. Love yourself. Love yourself. And love all of your friends. You know what? If you have the opportunity to spend Valentine's Day with a friend, I feel like you should romance your friends the same way that you romance your partners. I've been going on friend dates. Christy took me on a glorious date. She sent me an Uber Black. Oh my gosh! What a nice girl. That's how you romance a friend. Yeah, you can do that too. So, be safe out there. Say bye, Quinn.

That is literally this with Quinn in the middle. That was domestic. That is our domestic partnership.