being queer on reality tv with Kyra Green
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Okay, hi guys. My name is Shannon Beveridge. I am your host of X's and O's, a podcast where we talk about queer relationships and sex. This is episode four of, no, this is episode five of the podcast. Whoa, time is flying. Time is flying. I do have a guest today. I'm so excited for you guys to see who she is. She is the coolest and I'm nervous because I hope that I'm cool too, but we'll see what happens. It could go either way. You never know.

But the reason I'm alone is because I asked you over on Instagram for feedback on the podcast so far. And one piece of feedback I got a few times was people saying they want to hear more from me, more of me talking.

Why? I want to talk less. No, I'm kidding. I want to talk more too. I think starting a podcast and then having guests and different guests every time, I'm just getting used to that dynamic and how much I'm sharing versus how much I'm asking. And I want to be a good host, but I also want to share my own stories. So it's just a learning curve. This whole experience is a learning curve. Even editing this has been such a learning curve for me. I've been editing YouTube videos for like 10 years and

ish. And it's such a different situation because I'm used to filming for maybe 30 minutes and then trying to edit a video down to like around 10 versus the podcast I'm filming for about an hour and a half. And then I'm getting it down to about an hour. And it's just a whole new, it's a whole new ballgame. It's a

It's fun. It's so fun, but I'm learning. I'm learning and I'm learning how to speak more eloquently. I'm trying so hard to say like less. It's driving me nuts. So I saw some of that feedback. I also apparently say totally all the time, which I almost don't want to tell y'all because I feel like you will not be able to not hear it now, but I'm working on it. It's all new to me. I really appreciate the patience people have given me so far.

and I'm having a really great time. It is stressful. The sharing is stressful and I have moments of highs and lows. I want to be respectful both to myself and to people in my life and people that were in my life. So just trying to find a balance. If you're watching this, it should be January 10th. So it's one week-ish post New Year's Eve and

But I'm recording this on January 3rd, so it is just New Year's Eve kind of for me. I feel like January 1st barely counted because I was hungover, unfortunately.

Not a great way to go into the new year and I'm going to learn that lesson next year, I hope. Did y'all make resolutions? And if so, please comment below because I'd love to know. Typically, I don't make resolutions just because they're hard to stick to. That's why, honestly. No, I'm kidding. I don't know why I don't. It's just not been something I've consistently ever done. This year means that we are going to make a dream board or whatever for the year and I'm looking forward to that.

But if there's any resolution I have this year, it's just to be less critical, both of myself and others. Also to give more compliments to people, just in general, friends, strangers, family,

I've been trying my best if I think something nice about someone just to say it the second I think it because I realize what a nice feeling that is when someone does it to me. So 2024 more compliments, 2024 less criticism. So more positivity in general. Something that I talked about in my episode, both with Zoe and also Rebecca Black, is the responsibility that public people have to other people when they're talking about stuff publicly. Does that make sense that

That didn't sound right. Not eloquent. I'm working on speaking more eloquently, says a sentence so bad. Essentially, the responsibility that one person has when they're talking online or in public about other people, whether that's directly about them or just within a story that's actually about yourself, that there's still a responsibility to those people as you're talking about them. And

We talked a lot about it from an artist's perspective, but I didn't really share from my perspective as much as I maybe should have. And I didn't reflect as much as maybe I should have as an influencer. Because honestly, how I didn't mention that the podcast in and of itself is a version of...

outwardly speaking about people and having to be careful. Maybe I did kind of, but I just feel like I could have said more. I just want to recognize that I have a responsibility to people as I'm talking on this podcast. I do know that there is a chance that things I say could hurt someone's feelings, whether or not it's my intention. I know that that's possible. I just want y'all to know, and I want anyone listening to know, that

I am doing my absolute best to tread lightly in that way and also still be honest and tell stories as they happened in my life. And I really, really, really hope that you guys can see and I hope that I can continue to speak from my own point of view because that's what this podcast is meant to be. It's meant to be stories from my point of view, from my perspective.

my life, my life, not how things affected other people, not specifically about relationships and talking about past partners. And I am going to do my absolute very, very, very, very best to continue in that way in 2024. And I hope that you guys will stick around. And I do really, I genuinely understand the responsibility that I hold with

this podcast too. I'm kind of doing something very similar to an artist and I always have been but now with the podcast it's obviously I've doubled down and I think with the title of the podcast it gives people the impression that it's going to be

way more drama-filled than maybe it is. I did give that disclosure in the first episode that this is not a drama podcast. This is not a tea podcast. I'm not here to talk badly about people. I'm here to talk about queer things that I never got to hear people talk about. And the fact that I'm now 31 years old versus when I first started my YouTube channel, I was like 19, 19, 20. Who knows how old I was? How long have I been doing this?

I'm blacking out. Anyway, it's a new perspective and it's fun even to look at the numbers on this podcast compared to my old YouTube channel.

I mean, I'm posting this on my YouTube channel. If you're watching on YouTube, hey. But the age demographic has gone up from when I used to post videos, which is also why some of the content is a little bit more risque. There are words I've said in the first four episodes that I had never said in my life, I think, on YouTube in 150 plus videos I've made. So it's definitely...

It's more adult content than what I was making for YouTube, but that's also because my demographic is more adult, which is so exciting. I'm very happy. And I hope that having these little convos at the very beginning of the episodes will make you feel more connected to me. And I hope you realize that by having guests, I will always be on the podcast. So as the host, I will always be sharing. So you'll be hearing more stories from me and more about me if you tune in every week. But I do understand that.

I am talking to people in a way you maybe are less used to because I'm sharing a little less than you.

Maybe if you were just watching a YouTube video of me. But I think it's exciting and I think it's fun. And I think it's fun to bounce off new people each week. And yeah, I have some really great guests lined up and I hope you guys stick around. Let's get to the podcast and our guest. Oh my gosh. And one more thing I wanted to mention before we get into this. The microphones. Yes, they aren't very good. I know. I am getting new microphones. It's been something...

a process that's been happening and I am sorry but there will be new mics they should be here by next episode I'm also redecorating this room with the help of my friend Rachel Walker so it'll be a new set soon look at my little cord back there like I know it doesn't look that great have patience with me but thanks for being here while it starts and I think it's kind of exciting if you are one of the first people to ever watch then you'll get to see how much it grows so

Anyway, Mike's coming soon for everyone complaining. I'm sorry.

Hi guys, my name is Shannon Beveridge. This is episode 5 of X's and O's, a podcast where we talk about queer relationships and sex. I'm so excited. Today we have the best guest ever, Kira Green. You may know her. She is a veteran on reality TV shows, specifically Love Island. You may have seen recently Love Island Games. Yes. Right? The newest. The coolest. Yes. She's also a content creator. She has her own podcast and she's like a TikTok phenom with her family. Oh, family vlogs. I didn't tell you I was going to give you this much intro, but here you are.

Well, you binge-watched my podcast, and now I feel like you watch some of the family videos, too. Yeah, now I know you too well. We love family. I don't even know what to talk to you about. Well, you actually did say you were my biggest fan, and that was the only thing that I said when I came on this podcast. She had to say it to you guys, so... I am your biggest fan. Thank you. Also, I did an Ask Box on Instagram saying, like, what should I ask Kira? And the number one question I got asked to ask you is people asking you on a date. What? What?

Every single thing. I don't even know what she just said. All of the asks were, is she single? Is she single? Can I go on a date with her? Can I go on a date with her? Am I single, Shannon? I don't know. Are you?

Yes, I am single. And simply just ask. I feel like people all the time, especially when you come off of TV, they're like, your DMs must be flooded with all this different stuff. And in some ways, yes, but also, I don't know. I feel like they're not flooded or actual people being like, okay, I'm going to take you out on Saturday and it's going to happen. Really? I'm surprised. I would think that too. Also, I feel like you talked about this on the episode of your podcast I watched.

But a lot of people go on to those shows with a partner. Yes. Right? Yes. And it's really weird to me. Like, as I've been in shows now more and more, I get that it's a business and I get all these different things. But I'm just like that emotional Pisces that I'm like, yeah, I'm going to go on there and I'm going to find my person. Find love. I'm a Pisces too.

We know each other a little bit. Yeah. But, um, but yeah, it's, it's so. I'm, I'm single. Yeah. Hit me up. Hit my line. There you go. Get in the DMs and have a plan. I'm on Hinge actually. Oh. It's not a fake account. Like people think it's fake. No way. Because I'm not verified, but it's me. Oh my God. Okay. You guys look out for her.

Okay, so Kira and I actually met on the set of Zoey's most recent music video, which won't be out when this comes out, but I feel like people know that you're the co-star in the music video. We're not giving away any tea. Well, that was like the strangest situation too. I like ran into her during South by Southwest and I had just gone like a whole week binging her music videos.

And I was just like, holy shit, this is someone that is, like, creating these videos of, like, fairy tale love stories with, like, two women. And I just remember binge watching it, like, the full week before I actually ran into her during South by Southwest. And I just remember, like, seeing her pink hair and being like, that's so me. Well, no, I think I called her.

Zoefa. Something like really crazy because I had just been like watching her for like a week and I was like, I tagged her online and like followed her and then she followed me back and then, yeah, almost a year later hit me up for the video and I was like, oh, yeah. The timing of that was amazing. Also, obviously I was here for like all of it. You were. Zoe's my roommate and you taught me how to ribbon dance. Yeah.

Yeah, thank you. Actually, I want that to be the takeaway from this podcast episode. I taught Kira Green how to ribbon dance. Little did you guys know she's a pro at ribbon dancing. When you see it, you'll know. No, but I was here while Zoe was trying to cast it. I've been here, obviously, for all the videos she tries to cast. And there's, like, so many reasons why she picks people. And obviously, one of those things is, like...

social media presence like just she wants to be with someone who also wants to post and so it was kind of like serendipitous because I feel like you had just come off of Love Island Games about that same time when she was casting and she I don't think was as familiar with Love Island as I was and I was like crazy yeah I'm a wild

This can't be my reputation, okay? I do love the show, though. Now all of your fans know you're a Love Islander. I love the UK one. Yeah. I said if I make a queer season that you're going to go on. I know. I'll be the host and I'll find you someone. Okay, perfect. I don't think I'm ready for reality TV. You don't think you can handle it? Well, I've been asked to do reality TV before. I was going to tell you that. I auditioned to be on The Amazing Race.

I got pretty far. I thought it was only people that were on reality TV already that went on, like, The Amazing Race or, like, The Challenge and those kinds of shows. No, no. Amazing Race is opposite. Amazing Race is, like, usually randoms, except for I was going to be on the, like, Influencer season. Yeah, because I'm like, you're not very, like, random in that. Like, I don't live under a rock. Like, you post and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was going to be on the, like...

The gay, sorry, not gay, the influencer season. But the weird thing was every season of those shows, specifically like Amazing Race and Survivor, because they're the same. Yeah. There's always only one gay character or one gay team. I mean, that's the same with like black girls. Yeah. No, no. Not really anymore. Like Love Island Games was great.

It was very inclusive. Yeah, much better. But yeah, there's always like the token. Totally, token. Yeah. So we were going to be the token gay team, but when we showed up to this hotel, which I signed an NDA, so I could be sued, I guess. You're fine. How many years? It's been a long time. Okay. It's been a long time. But when we showed up, the other gay team that we recognized was Tyler Oakley, and it was like at the peak Tyler Oakley YouTube phase. And when we saw him, we're like...

we're out. Like, it's not going to be us. You mean it. Because we were really tiny. It was me and my ex-girlfriend. We were like much smaller influencers at the time. Yeah. But also, they wanted us to be cutthroat. So they were the producers, which I want to talk to you about this. Okay, let's hear it.

I'm not following my outline at all. We're just talking. I'm just here. No, no, no. This is great. She was so nervous, guys. Deep breath. I'm still nervous. What are you talking about? It's okay. Okay. Anyway, my experience with producers was obviously much more minimal than you have had. But we did all those kind of interviews on camera where they're like asking you questions and

And I remember one of the questions she asked was, what would you do if the team in front of you like dropped their wallet with all their money? Be savage. And we said we would give it back.

Why would you do that? Because it was the truth. It's a competition. I know that was the truth. That's the truth if you were in a competition show and you could win a million dollars with your partner at the end and put a down payment on a house and do all these things. You're going to give them their wallet. And this is why you've been on seven reality shows and I've been on none. Because it's not, like, it's real life, but it's also not real life. And that's what I love about it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I agree. We didn't know though. We just, and we were, at the same time, we also kind of had a brand before, you know, because we were influencers. We were kind of like girl next door. But it was the truth at the time. If I had known more and also if we had wanted to be on it more, it was a fun experience and I had a great time. It wasn't like, oh my God, this is what I want in my life is to go on the show. I get it, yeah.

So we said we'd give it back. And the producer looked at us and she was like, if the team in front of me dropped their wallet, I would pick it up and eat it before I gave it back to them. Oh, wow. We were like, okay. You said actually? Okay. This is not the space for me. I don't feel comfortable anymore. We're actually done here. Thank you so much. No, but obviously we didn't get picked. But we got to meet, we met the hosts. Like we were up in there. There were producers. Yeah, reality TV is fun. I mean, now I'm like, these producers are my bitch.

Yeah. Well, if you're a veteran. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Whether you're selling a little or a lot.

Shopify helps you do your thing, however you cha-ching. From the launch your online shop stage, all the way to the we just hit a million orders stage. No matter what stage you're in, Shopify's there to help you grow. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash special offer, all lowercase. That's shopify.com slash special offer. That's what I wanted to ask you about. First of all, you've been on seven shows. Yeah.

Yes. Sorry. Yes. I have been on stage. I whisper. I'm like. Yeah. Oh. Okay. Well. Obviously. I feel like a lot of people who are my audience will know you from your most recent show. That is the most recent one, right? You haven't done one since. No. Yeah.

Not right now. Maybe one of the talks, but not at this moment in time am I in a contract. Okay, so your most recent one, it was obviously so widely received by queer audiences because were you guys the second couple ever? We were the first. So it was a U.S. production show, even though it was like Love Island Games, which was...

All the different countries. But it was a US production, so we were technically the first same-sex couple for the US Love Island. Got it. Was it Australia? No, I think it was the UK at season two, I want to say. Early days. Yeah, and they got so much shit for it, and it was just not...

not well received. Yours was so well received, I feel. And I was surprised by that, honestly. I mean, I was and I wasn't because I know times have changed in a lot of ways. And even when I went on my first season, which was four years ago, a lot of people think I came out on that show. I did not come out on that show. I just like talked about liking girls and they're like, she came out. I was like, no, no, no, no. I've been out since I was like 13, something like that. At that time, I think I was way more insecure about being open and I liked a girl on the show, but she kind of was like,

She said she was bi-curious and didn't know if she could have feelings, so I kind of like pulled away. You mean classic. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. The judgment. No, no judgment. I love bi girls. Well, yeah. But the bi-curious thing is classic, I feel. Yeah, like not knowing. When you're talking to a girl who doesn't know and maybe then she's like, I've kissed a girl before. Yeah.

Yeah, and I've done that. I've done that. I've played around with that, and it's cool. Everyone has their own journey. But I think when she said that, I had done it already before, and I was like, okay, I've got to protect myself and kind of pulled away. So everyone wanted it on that show for that to happen, but once again, I wasn't about to, like,

push something or push someone like faster than what they were ready for and all the different stuff like the producers were definitely at one point like I initiated first and then they saw how much people reacted but we had no idea that it was like going crazy like that because we had

We don't have our phones. Oh my god, yeah, because it's live. That's the crazy thing about it. If you haven't seen Love Island, it records and then hosts, what, within 24 hours. Yeah, it's like we film the day before and then it airs the next day. But we don't have our phones. We have no connection to our family and friends. Even before we go in for like six weeks, or like more than six weeks, like I was put in as a bombshell, so I came in on day one. Bombshell, there she is. You'd be a bombshell in my queer season. What are you talking about? Yeah.

But, yeah, no, so we're already in quarantine for, like, six weeks or more than that. So you're just, like, detached from everything and everyone. Wait, do you know when you go that you're going to be a bombshell? No. Or if you're going to be, like... You don't even know that you're going to go on the show. You're just there. You're just there. All the other countries, they, like, kind of tell you, yeah, you're going on the show. U.S. is, like, one of the only ones that, number one, they'll, like, call you the week before. And they're like, pack your bags. You're going to this random-ass country to find love. And...

know that once you get to the airport you're gonna have a chaperone that's pretty much gonna run your whole life for the next several weeks like a month and they're gonna take your phone and you can't watch tv you can't watch anything that like brings you into normal world living so you just go crazy and what do you do i brought some books no i don't read books

I brought them. That sounds so bad. I mean, like some books, but I don't know. I'm more of a visual person. I don't read many books. I'm not judging you. Okay. But I brought books. I brought like coloring books. That's so nice. Yeah. And it was a nice resort. Also probably nice to detach.

Like to be forced to detach for a second. No, no one really gets that opportunity. It's, it is amazing in a lot of ways. And honestly, when you come out of it and you get your phone back and say you've been gone for like two months, you get all these text messages and like all these things. And it's almost like too much to handle. You go a little crazy. They literally give us a therapist that we have to speak to once a month for like six months out.

of the show. Well, that's good because I feel like what was that show that they were like, no one gave us a therapist? Was it the Ultimatum? No, it was Love is Blind. Oh. There's a bunch of people from Love is Blind, one of the seasons, like advocating for mental health when it comes to reality TV. Yeah, well, it gets kind of scary afterwards and a lot of people, you know, unfortunately have like

gone through a really really bad time so it became a thing like after my first season of Love Island we got life coaches I loved that that was cool you're having like your whole life has changed because of the show it really has though in a lot of ways for sure right yeah I mean even like not coming out on the show with everyone thinking I came out and just being in the first season of Love Island and so many times like there wasn't

a bi girl or like people didn't they would say I don't even think that there was it's so heteronormative that show is so heteronormative almost all the shows I've been on have and sometimes people are like how does that make you feel and it doesn't make me feel the best honestly because I would love to go in before Love Island I'd only been in relationships with women and I had just realized that

Like, I thought I was a lesbian for a while, and then I realized that I was bisexual when I was 21, literally. Oh, okay. You're kind of, like, flipping the script. You're flipping the script on queerness. I guess. I don't know. Like, I knew from a very young age. I got that feeling in my stomach and all that different stuff for women. And my dad's bisexual. We make a lot of videos on TikTok together. Legend. Legend.

He's a legend man like he inspired me so much to like yeah be open be open and be myself and I still had like a weird feeling of like shame and like sounds always shitty when I say it but like disgust when I thought like oh I was into women and stuff and I didn't really see many women I feel like that looked like me that were into women they're always way more masculine and stuff. Yeah at a very young age I like came out to my dad and then I was super anti-social so I didn't have like many gay friends.

That doesn't sound like you. You seem so social. Everyone says that, but I'm not. It's not a lie. Like, I think that I've been in the industry for a while. Like, since I was nine. Yeah. I was a Kidz Bop kid. Oh. It's my biggest flex ever, you know? Much bigger than being the first U.S. queer relationship. No. Kidz Bop. I mean, it went nowhere, unfortunately. Okay. Okay.

Okay, first of all, we bounced around 8 million things. I know. But I loved all of it. Okay. And I'm gonna just leave it as it was. Okay. One of my things I was gonna ask you is, you did, you had like queer experiences really young, right? Or like normal, but like in high school versus a lot of people don't get to have that experience. Middle school. Middle school? Yeah. So sorry, okay. But it's interesting because, same, so did I, which mine went really poorly. Okay. Yeah.

mine might add one really but it went really poorly just like really unaccepting parents from her end but the weird thing that happened to me is I felt so validated in my sexuality after that like secretly even though I didn't tell people once I once I kissed a girl anytime I kissed a boy I realized that it was not the way it should feel so it kind of made it easier for me to come out in a way

going down the line because I was like, I know how good it can feel to kiss someone. And then I was like, wait, I'm gay. And also it made me so scared. And I had all those feelings of disgust and also feelings of like,

borderline suicidal feelings when I was little growing up in Texas too but you're from New York anyway do you feel like having experiences younger helped make you stronger like do you feel more like yourself now I guess it's weird though because then you decided you like boys yeah so how did that happen so I mean when I first and like my first situation kissing a girl was just it was terrible because I think I was so excited yeah that I was just like going too hard man

Like, I swear she was like, you need to calm down. No. Like, she was, like, slow. Like, I was just so excited and so, like, oh, shit, like, this is happening. This is what should happen, yeah. Yeah. But then, yeah, as time went on, I mean, I was still, I didn't sleep with a guy until I literally, like, fell in love with my sister's best guy friend at 21, and that's when I slept with a guy. But before that, I was still, like, making out with guys. And I wasn't fast in any type of way, so I was pretty much...

I make out whore. Nice. Nice. But I mean, I still know, I still get very insecure in some type of way sometimes when it comes to women. Really? I don't know if it's something, and my dad was just saying this to me the other day too, it's like, why do you, I keep my cool so much when it comes to dating men, and it just doesn't really, I don't flinch an eye. And then when it comes to women, I get so excited, and I just get so nervous, and I get so much like,

what you have to be and all this stuff. And like, I'm just to a point now where I'm like, okay, whatever here, like just be yourself. And if that's enough and if that's a vibe, like,

That's cool. That's what's right. Yeah, but no I think with like women and men I always second-guess myself sometimes but it's just that's human, you know? That's so funny. I feel like I don't see that from you but I get it now. Everyone says that I seem very confident and like well I think I just know how to. It's a classic been working for a long time thing too I feel. Yeah. When you're around adults from such a young age you just can like mask so well. Okay, second question.

Give me a second. I don't even know where we are. Where are we? I don't know. It's your podcast. I keep on telling you. I know, I know. Whatever. I feel like it'll be enjoyable to watch. Okay, when I watched your video about having a girlfriend, your first girlfriend, which did you just say the first guy that you hooked up with was also your sister's friend?

do you have like you have to do you have like a thing for your sister no i'll bring it back to i'm very as much as i don't seem like it i'm very anti-social it's like i become really close with people that i'm working with or when i was going to school or all that different stuff it's very hard for me sometimes to like put myself out there in new situations unless it's like i have to and i also feel like i stopped going to school like i started homeschooling because i was working and like traveling so

in general sometimes I just get... It's like exposure. Like who you were exposed to. Yeah. So your sister was bringing people around and you were falling in love with them. Exactly. Exactly.

And you hit it on it. There you go. Okay, got it. And she brought really hot people around, okay? It's your sister's fault. It's all her fault. Did you watch YouTube videos or videos of people for exposure to queerness? Of course. Yeah, but did you feel like you had representation in that? I know you just said you didn't feel represented by, obviously, the Ellen DeGeneres's of the world, because that's not really...

You don't think I look like Ellen? Not quite. That's so freaking rude. Not quite. Not quite. But did you feel like... Did you find representation from anyone? Because I feel like the internet back then was still really not that representative of especially not white people. Yes. I feel like I remember...

Seeing like the L word. Yeah. And there were so many different like they were like lesbians. They were bi girls. They were femme girls. They were like everything and anything in between. And it wasn't like over sexualized. It was just like this group of women. Shane. Shit.

I can't believe you just said the L word wasn't over sexualized but I mean if it was I loved it maybe I just didn't have a problem with it I think you just liked it I don't know it felt natural no it was it felt natural to me like maybe shame was the most like ugh part but like we needed that

We all need a chain. We need a chain. And I didn't live under a rock. I was coming around the time of YouTube and you. I remember you. Okay. I wasn't at. I didn't say you were. I'm just saying. Okay. I wasn't fishing for that, but now I feel like it looks like I was fishing for that.

I don't think you were fishing for it. But yeah, I didn't live under a rock. And I feel like you were the first around that time. There wasn't that many lesbian YouTubers at the beginning. At all. I remember a show called Awkward as well. And I remember loving it because I think was she bi? Or there was a guy that was bi and I was like, oh yeah. I think the girl was bi too. One of the girls. Because I love when men kiss. I don't know. I love it. Oh.

Okay. We're learning so much. Me too. Me too. Do you? I used to like exclusively watch gay male porn, which I don't know if I'll leave that in, but there was a time in my life where that was the only thing I watched. And I think, I don't know what it was. Like I couldn't sexualize women.

And I couldn't picture myself sleeping with women, so it was like, that made me feel safer. But apparently it's like a lesbian thing. Yeah, I think it is. Anyway, I don't want that. I'm going to circle way back, but back to the producer thing. Do you feel like you felt like you came off as a true authentic version of yourself on all seven shows that you were on? Or do you feel like there was a lot of producer manipulation going on? It's a lot of shows.

It is a lot of shows and I was always going through something different in each show. So like my first season and I always am very like I'm very aware of my issues and I was able to see on that show. And I think it actually is pretty rare for producers to not, you know, be puppet masters. But we were the first season and they really didn't like make us do anything that we didn't want to do. Actually, when I would ask for advice or like, how is America seeing me? They'd be like, I can't say anything.

Like, you gotta do what you gotta do. Yeah, but I definitely watched myself on that show, like, do things that people told me I would do and that I didn't realize that I did, and then I watched me do it. Do it. And I was like, oh, wow, like, this was... It's very eye-opening to watch yourself on TV. I can't even imagine. I could never do it purely because...

I'm such a control freak. Well, yeah, you like, you're filming yourself, but you edit it. Yeah. Even my podcast, like I could have hired people to do my YouTube videos forever, but I can't. Yeah. I need to touch it and change it. You need to be in control. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. But that must have been such a weird feeling to not be in control. It was like, but it was exhilarating. So I mean, that's why I don't do it.

drugs really because I don't like to be not in control. I love my alcohol but like I do like to be in control but being on these shows and once again growing up somewhat antisocial and feeling like I wasn't like everyone else it felt like college. Like it was just so cool and I did feel like I was myself in a lot of ways on there and I was kind of scared on my first show but as time has gone on I let one show. I mean seven shows. I don't know. I always say like this past one was my last one and then I do another so.

another so yeah we'll see it could happen again but yeah you just have to be strong in these shows and like when people tell like the producers tell you to do something they can't actually make you do it they can send you home technically and like find a way to get you out if you're boring but they would always kind of try to make me the villain really oh yeah they love to do that to queer women by the way that's like a trope you think in in reality tv yeah you usually like on those amazing race shows the lesbians are mean really yeah which

I just feel like we're over-sexualized in a lot of ways. I mean, that too. Yeah. Like, I remember one show, and it's the show that I let the producers kind of tell me what to do, and thankfully it didn't get that big, so I didn't get a lot of hate, but I listened to them, and at one point they were like, steal her from this other girl, and like, I did all of it, and then at one point, like, our date was us, like, massaging each other. Okay. And then getting in a hot tub after, and the whole time, inside, I was just like, I hate it. I hate it here. This does not feel good to me. I don't feel like...

Feels pointed. Yeah. So there have been times where that has happened, but I think after that, and that was my third show, after that I was like, I'm going to be me, and I don't care if it's boring, I don't care if it's not what they want me to be, but I'm not about to be shown in some way that isn't authentic to myself, especially when I feel like I've grown such a loving, supportive community on TikTok and these places that I don't want them to be like, who is that? Yeah, it's not even who you are. Who is she? Totally. Okay, wait, what were the things that you...

caught yourself doing that people had told you you do but you didn't know? She said, what are your red flags? I didn't know if it was a good or bad thing, but what were you doing? I feel like when someone would get close to me that I liked, I would find a way to try to escape. Got it. Before, you know, the emotions would already be there before it got real. And in these shows, you're trapped in a house for however many days. Yeah, where are you going to go?

So I just watched myself, you know, and it was my first boyfriend ever that I got from Love Island at 21, no, 22. And I, every step of the way, he was just being great. And I was finding ways and reasons to like not be happy. Yeah. And then the second that I felt him pulling away, I would be like, wait. I love him. And that's tough because fuck. Yeah.

So that's not how it's supposed to go. No, but I was 22 and yeah, baby first time like dealing with a man in a relationship. I'd only been with women. So it was all he was almost 30. So like there was also a gap and I was just kind of

figuring shit out. Yeah, of course. That's wild. That's wild that... So you didn't ever have a boyfriend going on to the first season of Love Island? No, I had just lost my boy V card. Like right before? Yeah. Okay. So... That was scary! So the producers obviously going in, you'd only ever had girlfriends. Did you tell them that? Yeah. Yeah.

I told them everything. Yeah. And in telling them everything, I had hoped that there would be more women on there because I was like, I definitely want to be able to date both. Yeah. You know? And no.

Yeah, no, that's not the case. But I told them everything. So were they hoping that you would go on and steal girls from boys? Or were they like, hopefully she'll go on and find a guy? I feel like when I went on, there was no layout at all that made me feel like, oh, they wanted me to be with a girl. It was like, yeah, you're bi. And also they typecast sometimes. It's like, let's be more inclusive. And, you know, no, I didn't feel like they wanted me to be with a girl.

a girl whatsoever but when I expressed interest because I also wasn't going to go in there and just be like I'm into girls and just go for girls to go for girls yeah you know it wasn't until I think three weeks and a girl came in and I was like oh yeah I remember all the other girls because once I said this as well and this happened back when I came out you know once you say you're into women every woman thinks that you're into them as well especially a lot of the straight girls I've been around like when I went to school and stuff the second I came out you know they changed me like

Yeah. I like women, but I didn't say it like you, you know? And like all the girls, when I said that I liked women on the show, they were like, oh, you know, when this girl came on, they're like, you didn't ever flirt with any of us. I'm like, cause you guys aren't like, I'm not into you. Well, that too. Yeah. I'm not into you. I'm into her, you know? But yeah, I didn't express interest for her until like three weeks in. They didn't really push it. And then I think,

We got, like, a big... I didn't know. But the audience watching and, like, all these news sources, like, were writing about it. Wanting it to happen, I'm sure. And then it felt like they almost tried to, like, push it. But I still had to be true to myself. And I was like, she is trying to figure things out right now. I keep on bouncing. I'm sorry. That's okay. And, yeah, I just...

I just felt like she wasn't in a place that I felt like I could open up to her that way. Fair. And also, like, that's... As someone who's been... Who's come out, you know how stressful that experience could be. And then to do that on national television. Like, do you want to be someone's first girlfriend on national television? I just don't. My first girlfriend, I was, like, literally got put back in the closet for, like, almost a year. Yeah. Because of her background and everything. So...

I loved her and I'm happy that all happened, but I was just like, I can't do this again. It's too scary and hurtful if it doesn't go the way that I want it to. You feel me? I've had that experience. Your eyes just went like, yeah. Yeah. I'm like, sorry, I'm having PTSD over here from my experiences. But yeah, no. Obviously, that's like a huge burden to take on with someone. Would you date a bi-curious girl? A bi-curious girl? Yeah. Well, yeah.

No, yes. We know you love the bi girls, but would you date a bi-curious girl? I would go on dates with a bi-curious girl. I would only date a bisexual or someone who I actually truly believe would marry a girl. Does that make sense? So, I would go on dates with a bi-curious girl. You said fuck around and find out. No!

I mean, it's like, yeah. It's a saying, not actually. Yeah. No, it's not a kink of mine. That's my thing. You know, but some people, it's kind of like a kink to be the one who shows someone the ropes. Like, that's like a lesbian thing sometimes. It's, I feel like, not even a younger thing because everyone's different, but when that would happen to me, especially going on these shows and they're like, I would be gay for you or like, if

If there was one girl I would do it with, it would be you. And at first, I was like, four years ago, yeah. It's a good confidence boost also when you're... But now I'm like, no. Yeah, no. I don't like it. No. I don't like it. I don't. So your answer is you wouldn't go on a date with a bi-curious girl? I feel like it's like, of course, every situation is different. If I see her and I'm like, yeah, I'm willing to put my all into this. I will build a freaking building. Like, cool, yeah. But...

It just depends, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. We're like, we're not cutting anyone out. The roster's open. It's always open. Hit my DMs. Oh my god. Find her on Hinge again. She's there. Do you actually want to create like a queer love island or like a version of that? I know we had, what was that show? Um, um, always. The queer version, the ultimatum, was it the ultimatum? Well, the ultimatum was gay, the lesbian one, but the.

Are You the One? Yes. Yes. Yeah. We've had a version of that. Yeah, but I didn't like Are You the One. That show got really sexual. There was too much. There was a lot of sex happening. Like, I liked it, but I just... It would be fine if there was also relationships and stuff that I could follow. But I just felt like it was so... They get drunk and...

You know? So I was just like, hmm. Yeah. They didn't create... The show didn't have structure for anyone to actually, like, fall in love, I don't feel. And I don't think it's anyone's fault from the show, you know? You know. It's the producers. Yeah. It's the producers. I blame you. It's the producers. Yeah. It's the producers. But do you think there's a world where an actual version of a queer Love Island exists and works and is not overly sexualized and could be... If I'm in control of it, it won't be ITV. Yeah.

No, but I do think that there is that space. I think that it needs to be there. I think the same way that Zoe does her videos, like there is that space and it can be created in the right way. Totally. And I will host it. And you will be the first contestant. Why do I have to be on it? You're going to win and find love. I don't want to be on it. I feel like there is space for a queer reality TV show, especially in 2024, which is so weird to say.

But, because all we've had is like tequila, tequila. Do you remember that? I do. What was the show? A Shot at Love. A Shot at Love, yeah. A Shot at Love with Tequila. Yeah. No, I feel like there hasn't been, and that was great for me because she was like bi. She was dating both. I know. And it was everything. I felt so dirty watching that show. You felt dirty? Yes. Why did you feel dirty? Because I loved it. I was like, I think I like this more than all my friends. She loves her bi's. Yeah. But. Ouch.

But I do think that there is space, like, to answer your question. I think that there have been some shows that I don't think it's ever fully been done right. And it did feel good to go on this show and, you know, bring visibility or, like, make people feel like they are being seen. Yeah, for sure. You know, because so many times that doesn't happen or there's two girls that flirt on these shows and it doesn't, like, follow through. And I, like, genuinely wanted to see with Megan, like, if there was, like, something more there and she was mysterious and all this different shiz. It did not go well. Yeah.

But I feel like for so many people, and then even on my first season, I think so many people are sweet. Just like two girls falling in love. Yeah. Two guys falling in love or whatever, you know? I want a lesbian bachelorette. No, I want whatever you want. What do you want to host? You want a...

Gay Love Island. Yes. Or, well. Or what? You don't want to give it away because it's a real show you want to make. Perfect. Okay. Keep an eye out for a real show that maybe Kira will make. And I think my issue is trying to find love on TV, though. I also say that. For you. I think you, maybe we don't need any more reality shows. Or like dating reality shows. You on it.

Me hosting. You can host. Me bringing people together because I'm just such an expert at finding love. I'm so in love. Clearly. You know, but yeah, I think that there's that space. I think that it needs to happen. I think that it would be amazing. It's going to happen. It's bound to happen. What great television, if you had like a lesbian bachelor or queer girl, any show like that. Yeah. Or gay man one, I guess too. Gay man one. Gay man.

The gay men. I really am only out here thinking about the girls. But it would be such good TV. Because you know the girls that are the contestants would also probably have their own little love triangles. Oh, yeah. Oh, women dating women? Shit is messy. It would be so good. It's so messy. It's like, it sounds like reality TV should have

already jumped on this. I just think that things have been done in like the same way for so long and that's TV. Like if it's not broke, don't fix it type of thing. Yeah. But I do think they see, especially when they cast me or like...

Or like in general, when you put people on that people feel like they haven't seen someone that's like them on TV, it gets a great response. And there's always going to be those people. Of course, I got comments from this past show saying whatever they want about my sexuality, which has always been the hardest thing. Like you're barely out of Straightville or she just wants to be on TV. She's actually just into women. Like all those different things that as much as I'm like, it doesn't bother me, like it still bothers me. But I think in general, for people to be able to see themselves on TV and to have a show like that would just be so good.

Okay. We're advocating for it. Comment below if you want a show like that. Okay? Because I do. Yes. I would watch it. You'll be on it. Actually, I'll be on it. If you want to date me on Kira's show. Hit me up in the DMs and I will link it. I will make it happen. Okay. And then find her on Hinge. Okay. Anyway. Or Raya. Oh, true. We know all about Raya. We love Raya. Do we? Do you? No. No.

No. Do you feel like you've experienced biphobia then? Yes. Yeah. Of course. Especially from the show stuff and those viewers or in real life all the time in general? Like I said, I always get two different sides of it. When I came out in middle school...

I just felt like some people were like, oh, and I was like the only person. At that time, it wasn't even, like, I know that there was that whole phase too where it was like, it's cool girl to be like wanting to kiss girls. Yeah. Katy Perry, whatever that song was. I kissed a girl. Yeah. Yeah.

I know you did. I was like, what is she talking about? Oh, taste of her chapstick. Yeah. Oh, is that what it is? It's like the taste of her cherry chapstick. That part. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. You're onto something. Okay. But I would get people that were like, oh, she's doing it for attention. Or I would get people that were saying, I'm not really into women because I don't look like I'm gay. And I also say that I'm gay and people get mad at me for that too. They're like, no, you're bisexual. But I don't know. I just, it just comes out. Yeah. Well, I think gay is an umbrella term. Yeah. Now. Now.

I think so too. Yeah. Whatever floats your boat, I say. But no. A lot of the time growing up and even still now, I feel like, oh, if I walk into a bar or I'm in a setting, especially because I'm in a lot of like mainly straight places,

Spaces. I feel like sometimes, oh, I have to prove something or be something and like all this different stuff. And I'm like, no, I like that. And that's okay. Yeah. Cause I am me and I like that and I don't have to be anything that I'm not. Good. Yeah. Let's keep doing that. It's also, it's probably nice that you have your dad who's bi, right? Yeah. Was he out to you your whole life?

So it was never like, I'm very vocal about my bisexuality and even his because I think it helps so many people and still people get mad at me for that. Why are you talking about it so much? I'm like, because I didn't see that growing up, so I like... No, at all. Yeah, but he was just, him and my mom both, they were always like, whoever you love, it's fine. I don't care. It's actually what my pop-up would even say, my dad's dad. He's like...

I would say black, white, polka dot, like whatever floats your boat. You know, so I think my whole life I just knew that. But even having supportive parents and them being like, we love you no matter what. And at a very young age, I even before I came out to my dad, he just brought up to me recently that I came out to him like even before that. No way. When I was like younger, younger.

That's wild. Yeah. Before you even probably were conscious of what you were saying. I guess so. Like, I think I said to him something like, what would happen if, like, I like people like me? And he was just like, then that's okay. You know? But I still had that inner shame. And, like, I bawled my eyes out when I told him. But he was the first person I told because I felt like I could relate to him. Yeah. And he was someone that was like me. And he...

He loves my mom and he's in this relationship, but that also doesn't change like his sexuality and what he is. So he's definitely been a role model to me and someone that I come to very often, even in my crazy dating life. Yeah. Somewhat non-existent as well, but like...

When it is existent, I do come to him for advice, you know? And he's just like, calm down. Like, it's okay. Be you. No, that's so nice. I can't imagine having that experience. But I also can imagine... I can imagine in the ways that it felt validating that it could also be a little bit invalidating of those bad feelings you had because you're like, I have this role model. I have this experience that most people don't get. And I have this, like, cool, proud dad. And then I'm feeling not really good about myself. Like...

that shame and then would that also internally mean that you're not proud of him?

Like, that feels like that could be a complicated internal experience that you would have. No, I mean, growing up, he was always very out there. And I don't mean that in a negative way, but he always, what's the saying? Like, walk to the beat of his own drum. And, like, he has dreads down his back. He has painted nails. And I remember even being in kindergarten and him walking in. And I hate it to this day that I even did it, but I was, like, young and kids say whatever. And I was like, I don't want you, like, coming into my classroom anymore. Because I was like, the rest of the daddies don't have their nails painted. And...

But, you know, and I can't imagine on his end having, like, his child say this to him. And he grew up in a very religious community, like, in the suburbs, nothing like me. So already it was very hard for him to, like, was shamed his whole life in church, like, all this different stuff. Mostly it was with men, like, not in public ever. So, yeah, definitely. I was probably just projecting onto him, and I feel bad to this day. But, like, I think with everything that we've gone through, like, I love him, and I think he understands it. Yeah, of course. I mean, it's...

It was probably internalized homophobia. Yeah. That you were just projecting onto your dad. Which is just such a unique experience because we don't get that much. We don't have that that much. Yeah, but also like he was with my mom. Yeah. And it's like, well, you're bisexual, but you still ended up with a woman and you're a man. I thought I was lesbian at the time. I came out as bisexual and I am bisexual. But at the time I was like, I'm ending up with a woman. Totally. So it's different. And it's more scared. Yeah. You know? I mean, so different. I...

I don't know. That's such a unique, fun experience. I mean, fun. Sorry. Just that I love your chaotic trauma. Love your... I really do. No, it's just so different than what most people experience. Like, and everyone's so different. But yeah, watching your parents be straight obviously affects you in some way. And then watching your parents be bi would affect you in a different way completely. And I can't imagine...

If you had gay parents, and then we're... I'm going to have... If I have kids, whatever I am will affect them. It doesn't, it doesn't, though. People always say that, too. Do you think because your dad was open and bisexual that that's why you're bisexual? No! It will never make someone queer, but... Yeah, my brother is straight as an arrow. If that was the case, wouldn't he be bisexual? 100%. So it doesn't work like that. No, it doesn't, but at the same time, it will affect their relationship to their own sexuality in some way, shape, or form, just because we can't help but...

I think, like, that's just with everything in general, though. No, totally. As a parent, whatever you are. But I get what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. You're so right. You're right, too! You're so right! We're right. We're both right. Do you feel like you play a different role in your relationships with men versus your relationships with women? Or are you always showing up just as Kira the exact same way? I wish I could say that I'm always showing up as Kira, but...

I mean, I'm bringing it, I sound very LA, but back to the Pisces thing. And you might not relate. I know that you're a Pisces, but I feel like I flow in any situation with any person differently. So it's the same with men and women. I like a lot of femme guys. The ones that I'm into, like, I had a crush on, like, all the gay guys when I was growing up. Yeah, I don't know. And every guy that, like, my last, the last guy I dated was bisexual. The guy before that was straight, but he was just very, like, feminine.

Femme and sometimes I'm more like daddy. Okay So with men usually yeah, I am more masculine Wow, and then maybe the opposite of it's the opposite of what I was gonna think you're gonna say but continue I really so then with women it just depends on the woman like I do have a type like what I Go for but when it comes to just like a vibe and someone if it's a more feminine girl I will once again be more like mm-hmm

But if it's a more masculine girl, like, I kind of lean more into my soft side. True. So it's just, like, a flow. But I think with anyone in general, I never just, like, being...

is whatever whatever they want to say like the roles or whatever like i think i just i like to be both totally and that's how i've always been i feel the same way i i i like to be daddy and i like to be a girl yeah i like both i don't want to choose yeah maybe you're bisexual you don't have to pick for me my piscesness i just like things to feel piscesness i like things to feel comfortable and fluid and nice so it's just like a lot of energy shifting of like of

okay, you're feeling this way, like I'll be more this way. You're feeling that way, I'll be more that way. Okay, but what's your type? You said it first. Say I'm going to share my type. It's not that serious. I feel like, so like my first girlfriend, my first memory of being like, oh, this is going to go down. I'm falling in love and I'm just looking at the back of her head, which is literally what was happening.

But we were going to the movie theater, and I just remember we were all in a group of friends. Not my friends, my sister's friends. I came along. She would always feel bad for me. And I just remember... Obsessed with your sister's friends. And I just remember this girl skateboarding in front of me. And she still had long hair at the time, and it was just going down her back, looking all pretty. And she was just skateboarding, and just very tomboy, but still femme. And it was just like, oh...

That's it. That's it. Yeah. So, and I was very baby to her.

like at first it kind of was like pretty fluid in that way but but she was like in the closet so as time went on as like with us dating she like came more into herself but yeah i always say skater girls i actually did like a jubilee video no yeah what's jubilee jubilee no and you're on youtube what's jubilee it's like uh a youtube station and it's like a small dating show thing or they talk about like serious issues okay

Maybe I do not watch it. It's cool. It's on YouTube. But they had me on and I was like explaining my type and I never said skater girl. And then literally the whole episode was like Kira finds love and stating like all these skater girls. I'm dead. That's a good type. That's a good type? Yeah. I think skater girls are cool. What's your type? Just girlier than me. Okay. I feel like that's my only like consistent type. Yeah. A little girlier. A little girlier than me. And shorter. And shorter.

Typically shorter than me too, yeah. So more femme than you. More femme than me, yeah. That's really it. But also usually not like prissy girly either. So more femme but kind of like an edge. An edgy girl. Yeah. I don't know.

Cool. I like girls. I just thought I would return the question since you put me on the spot. Thank you for returning it. It needs to happen. People watching the podcast can be like, make people ask you questions. So I'm like, look, Kira's doing it. Oh, I could do that. No. I'll go on your podcast. Oh, yeah? And then I'll show you how to put it on Spotify. Okay, cool. Yeah. I film in my bedroom, too. Not on my bed. It's a little forward of you. But...

I'm trying to make it feel like my old YouTube videos. I'm joking. Because that's what all my YouTube videos used to be for my bed. I'm joking. Yeah, sure. Do you feel like people think your relationships with men are more valid than your relationships with women? Or do you feel like you get more respect, especially in public, I guess, is what I'm thinking. No, I feel like, of course. I think with men, and a lot of the men, even though they're very femme, I date, like,

6'4" and up. I don't do it on purpose, but they're just like large lumberjack looking men. So yeah, no one's gonna really mess with us. Yeah. I don't think.

They never have because it's literally like you would be kind of scared. Yeah. Because they're just large. Yeah. But with women, especially when it's another like very femme girl, especially with my first girlfriend, all the time we would like go out and you just felt sexualized or a lot of the time around that point, I feel like a lot of men thought you were doing it for them if you were in like this bar atmosphere. And like, I'm a very affectionate person, not at first, but when it's my person, like

I'm just I want to be touching yeah and I'm very like just an affectionate person so a lot of the times I would just like catch dudes staring or like coming up to us and being like oh do you want us to buy you guys a drink and like all this different stuff and I'd be like no this is my girlfriend and we're enjoying our time like very respectful but like keep it moving and then it was like oh you think you're too good type of thing or oh what do you

You know, just... Yeah, no, I hate that experience so much. They got nasty. And it was... It's always gross. And then when it comes to TV, I always have it in the back of my thought. Like, when I'm kissing this very pretty girl right now, is it being... But I think that's anything in general. Like, when people see... But it's a little bit more when it's two women. Yeah. Especially two femme women. Yeah, that's what I was thinking about when you were saying that. Because I definitely had that experience with my...

my relationships when I dress more femme. Yeah. Which I never dressed that femme, but I used to be a lot girlier than I am now. You had hair. Do you think I'm bald? The hell? I didn't mean it that way. Come back. I didn't mean it that way. No, no, no. I meant you had longer hair. Yes, yes. Longer hair because you have hair. Thank you. And I love it. I really like it.

Yes. No, no. When I was, when I had longer hair, even if I dress the way I do now and I have longer hair, I get sexualized more by men. Which, it's weird because sometimes it feels nice, which is so bad. Like, it's a very confusing thing because I've cut my hair short and then I let it grow back out and then I cut it short again. It feels nice to be hit on by men? Not like the hit on thing, but even just like the way that someone at a coffee shop will like

take your order, you can feel a little bit more validated in your looks in a way. Do you feel like that stopped when you cut your hair? And then when I cut my hair, you know what? I mean, I get it now too, but only from women mostly. But it's nice too. I don't think you're mad. No, I'm not mad. Especially where I live, but it's funny going home to Texas and stuff. When I went home to Texas for Christmas this year, I walk in to my friend's family's home and everyone mentioned my haircut. Like every single person's like, I

your hair. Yeah. Which is also such a Texas thing to like

It's like the whole bless your heart vibe. I've never spent more than like three days in Texas. No, no, no need, no need. But where it's like, I couldn't tell. I'm sure some of them really liked my haircut. Yeah. But the fact that every single person brought it up. You feel like a slight in the background judgment. It's shorter, huh? You noticed? I definitely got more sexualized with partners when I presented more, I don't know, acceptable for all people. But I get what you're saying too when it comes to like men feeling validated. Like,

For the longest, I was like, no, I am still definitely just into women. I just feel really good with men because it's, I don't know. Yeah. I mean, it's what we're sold everywhere, too. Yeah. But then I was like, no. I'm like, do you actually like them, too? Yeah. And I still kind of bounce around sometimes because sometimes it feels like sexually I love it and then it's like a really great guy friend and then we end up in a relationship and it's just both. But then I'm like, wait, isn't that every relationship? Yeah. Like all relationships kind of turn to friendship in some way. Yeah.

But I don't know. I can't figure out your sexuality. I'm not trying to figure it out, though. I think I'm just like, if I like someone, I like someone. And that's where I stop. Yeah. I don't have to put that pressure on myself. Definitely not. Yeah. Let it happen as it happens. Let it flow. Let it flow. Hit me up. Yeah.

Okay, I asked you guys over on Instagram to ask us questions, so we're going to answer a few of them. Starting with, what do you think about happy birthday texts to exes? I mean, my first, like, guy that I was with, he was friends with his exes, and I'm not like that for some reason. I don't know.

know. Maybe if we were friends first and then it turned into that, then it might make sense, but I don't know. Once we've gone there and I can still have love for you, I just don't circle the block because I just don't want to feel why it ended again because it usually comes back up and happens again. Yeah, I also feel like it just opens the door for why. Not necessary. Also, my thing with happy birthday texts and New Year's texts and Christmas texts and all of them, I'm kind of like

Do I want to ruin your day? Well, like, I don't know. I don't know if it would make your day or ruin your day. On this special day that you should be having fun, should you be thinking about me today? Unless I have intention of actually, like, fully walking through the door. Okay, yeah. I don't think you should just text. What's the best first date you've ever had? I can answer while you think. Okay. Okay, the best first date I ever had was when I was in a long-distance relationship and we had never met in real life and...

I mean, I don't know if this is bad. This is one of the best. And I, we went to a drive-in movie theater and I like surprised her by putting a mattress in the bed of my dad's truck. But my dad had a truck where you could like cover it up. So you couldn't tell there was mattress back there. And then we drove in Texas to this like drive-in movie theater. And then I opened it up and I was like, Oh, you get to like sit back here. But it was funny. And my favorite date, because so many things went wrong. We got to the movie theater.

We got pulled over on the way there. I got four different tickets or something. Horrible. And then we got there. Torrential downpour.

Sorry, could you even sit on the mattress? So because we had that little cover thing, at one point we had the cover. I covered it back up and we were laying like this, like watching the movie from the bottom of the mattress. But then it rained so hard that it started leaking through onto the mattress. And then we got into like the front of the car and had like a romantic time in the front of the car, like just kissing. Did you laugh?

Anyway, but it was like the perfect, and it was also kind of like my first girl relationship, so it was kind of like, I don't know. It definitely set a high bar for how romantic and fun, and my stomach is growling so much. Have you ever been betrayed by your body like this? Because I'm pissed.

She's got the sweats. She's got the stomach ache. I am literally falling apart. I love that. I think, though, when a date kind of goes wrong or all these things happen and you can just laugh. It's like a sign of a better vibe. Well, yeah, but it also takes away, like, the nerves and you're just like, ooh. So true. Now we're in this together. We love when things go wrong. We love when things go wrong. Truly. Then they go right. I'm trying to think. Oh.

I like saw you like catch that memory and forget it. It was probably not the most recent girl but once again it was a distance thing like probably would be in a relationship now but like we she didn't tell me that she was overseas playing basketball but like we matched on Hinge and we just had like a full week like the first day and

What did she do? She, like, brought me to, like, the whole picnic thing and, like, did a whole picnic. And, like, day two we went to, like, where did you do the game? Santa Monica? Yeah.

And, like, did the rides. And it was just, like, a continuation. Like, every day we would hang out and then find another reason that day. I said first date. So on the first day, she did this. On the second day. I'm, like, a voice memo girl. Like, I love them. So we had, like, a full day. And that was enough of voice memos for me to already feel, like, comfortable with her. So on the first day, it was like I knew her already. And then every day until she left and then told me two days before she was leaving. How did that not come up?

Because she didn't bring it up. That's... It was savage. Savage. Yeah, and then we were long distance for, like, a second. But never, like, we weren't, like, girlfriends. And then she was going to move back here and then move to New York. Jeez. The story started so good. But it was, like, a romantic week of, like...

And I'm not always like the pusher with things and just every single time we would hang out, she's like, now let's go do this. And I'm like, you want to see me again today? But it's never too much if you like the person. No. It's too much if you don't like the person. It's like things that would be a red flag with one person, the other person, you're like, this is the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me. Exactly. But if you don't, you're like, you're creepy. Yeah. Like, leave me the fuck alone. Okay, I like that answer. Yeah, picnics are cute. I'm a romantic. Would you ever forgive someone if they cheated on you?

Years ago, I would say yes, because I did do that with my first boyfriend. But as much as I wanted to forgive him and like trust him again, and like with my parents being together for so long, and they've always said the biggest thing is trust. And once the trust is broken, why are you smirking like that? I couldn't stop thinking about Crowley. And I couldn't stop. It was cool.

I don't even know how I'm going to edit around this. I'm going to have to leave it in. Sorry, everybody. It's human. Let them know you're human. I know, but it's... With your parents, trust is the biggest thing. Yeah, trust is the biggest thing. So when he cheated on me, and it was with literally his ex-fiance, the same person that he was like, I was like, can you stop talking to your ex weekly? Just a small request. Just a little tiny request. And he was like, well, we were engaged, which was already like a lot for me.

But first boyfriend, like, maybe I'm being immature. He's almost 30. Like, he knows best. You just think that kind of thing. And he was, like, honestly, last time I kissed her, it was, like, kissing his sister. So I was like, oh, okay, cool. Oh, no. Why would you say that? They were, like, not grew up in the same town, but, like, had the same friend group from, like, his hometown. He went back to his hometown for a wedding one weekend. And I'm not even, like, super text me every day type of girl. I actually like my days off in relationships. Yeah.

I do! And I just remember him going ghost for the whole weekend. And I was just like, that's weird. And I was introducing him to my parents when he came back from the trip. And he chose to tell me when I was still smoking cigarettes. We were out on the balcony together smoking a cig. And I just had a feeling. I'm intuitive. A woman's intuition. Yeah. And I was like, so you saw blah blah there. How'd that go? And he was honest and shared with me how it went.

And after that, once again, he was like, it was like kissing a sister. And I was like, well, can you please not talk to her? Because it makes me uncomfortable now. And he was like, you're just really immature. People can be friends with their exes. And I'm like, you're really messed up because you cheated on me with her. So I loved him. I tried to continue, but I just couldn't. As much as I wanted to trust him, I was like, yeah, I'm terrified now. The second you're not in my...

It's one thing to say that you would stay with someone and then it's another thing to actually try. Would you? I've never been cheated on as far as I know. Okay. But if I were, I think that I would have to walk away from that relationship because just knowing myself, I don't know. It's like the whole, I think I could forgive someone, but I don't think I'd ever forget it. And I don't think I'd want to go like through the rest of my life.

with that in the back of my head of like worrying and wondering my last question is what is your love language physical touch is that like would you say okay let's do our top three what's your top three aren't there just how many are there i think six okay do you want me to name them sure it seems like you know though i two are like the ones okay

Um, physical touch and I am somewhat of an overthinker and I get better as the relationship goes on, but I do somewhat need to be reassured that you like me. So words of affirmation. Yeah. Those are mine too. Both physical touch and then words of affirmation. And then what are the other ones? All of them are touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, acts of service. Acts of service would be like if...

your partner made the bed for you every morning. Yeah. Or like, washed the dishes. It's kind of like more like selfless acts that are meant to be like, look, I did that because I love you. Okay. But yeah, I would say minor physical touch and words of affirmation too. It's a crazy thing. Yeah. Did you have fun? Mm-hmm. Did you have fun?

I had a great time. Did you actually? I was nervous, but you were already so nervous that I couldn't tell you I was nervous. Okay, I feel like if anything, though, we went all over the place. It was all over the place. But I feel like it was interesting. There were no gaps. I liked it. Hopefully. If you like it, it's your podcast. Happy to be here. I'm editing the fuck out of it later. No, I like it. I like it.

Anyway. I don't know what I'm talking about. You're coming on my next. Yeah. Hold her to it. Oh my god. I want to. Thank you guys so much for watching X's and O's. I'm your host Shannon Beveridge. This is Kira Green. Follow her on all of your social media. Do you have anything coming up that people should look out for? Your podcast, obviously. My podcast on all my socials, I guess, but can't share much right now. Can I even share Zoe? Yeah, I already posted that I'm going to be in Zolita's.

next music video yes it's coming out in February keep an eye out I creative directed it so I touched it too and it's gonna be so amazing we were just watching a part of it before this and it's so good and obviously everything Zoe does is amazing so keep an eye out and yeah follow us on all our socials goodbye