SUPERFLY #62 - Johnny Carson S*x Life
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Dana, it's awards season, which means we're due for some classic red carpet combos like strapless dresses and statement necklaces or acclaimed directors and long acceptance speeches. But you know what look always pairs perfectly together? Discover and cashback. You see, Discover automatically matches all the cashback you've earned at the end of the first year. Which is a look that will always serve.

It pays to slay. It pays to discover. See terms at discover.com slash credit card. David, I don't know if you know this about me, but I've always been a fan of exploring new places. Not like you kind of, you know, no offense. And one of my best trips, listen up, is when I stayed at an Airbnb. Felt like I was...

living like a local with all the space, you know, hotels can be a hassle room service. And then the housekeeper keeping, it's a hassle. So then you go to Airbnb and you can get whatever you want, a little cottage, this and that. It's fantastic. You have your own separate space. So it's a great product for people who travel, David. Yes. I have friends doing one of these right now. If you have a home, you can Airbnb it. It's fantastic. I mean, um,

To monetize your home when you're not there seems like a good idea. I mean, look, I'm on the road a lot. I could probably do it. It's something that people can do when they travel. They have extra space or you're at a place not full time. You come in the winter, you leave in the summer. That's something you should think about. It's a way to get some extra money and it's a cool experience. Your home might be worth more than you think.

Yep. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. We are on Superfly. We're on Superfly. If anyone's still listening, is anyone still listening? We just showed all that beginning because that's more interesting how we both, we are too loud, you're too soft, I can't hear you. What's going on? Absolutely. That's what's more interesting. BTS.

Yes. People love that. No one wants our polished show. And thank you, I shouldn't say this, for sticking to the script about the pre-planned technical difficulties. Your acting was terrific. If this acting is in the Busboy movie, to the moon. I smell an Oscar nomination. Shum.

Well, I will say, welcome to Superfly. There's lots to go over. This is a big show, Dana. That's lie one, but no, it is a good show. I will say, I was going through the YouTube comments. Some people, now they know we go through, so they get a little spicy in there. Most people. No, they rile me up when they go like this. They don't like some story, some angle we took, and they go, stay in your lane, boys.

I'm so, I don't care what, stay in your lane on the free show you're getting. They go, just stick to more jokes and I'll keep peeping it. I go, your free show. Isn't going the way you want. Are you okay?

How about we do whatever we want? I know, and it does not sound like, you know, the real Jerry Seinfeld. It does not. I believe that's someone using the name, spelling it with two Ys or something. Oh, you think that's Jerry commenting? I don't think it is, but I see sometimes I'll see comments that it's Jerry Seinfeld or Tim Dillon or it's, you know, and I go, these are fake outs. Jerry's not. Stay in your lane. It's not going to happen. Stay in your lane.

No, I will say sometimes if you get crabby on the comments,

Don't cry too hard because you get tears in your iPhone. You have to put it in rice. Sorry. You have to put it in rice and then you punch somebody because you're so frustrated. Then you have to put that in the rice. You need two bowls of rice. God, talk about frustrated, Dana. I'll tell you one quick story that will bore the shit out of you. Okay, and then I've got five bits right after this. I'm staying in my lane. If you can get through this bitless story, I'm just saying sometimes I go on the Daily Mail

which is also my friend refers to as the daily nailed because they always just bust people doing stuff. It is funny. Daily mail is, you know, lighthearted garbage. I mean, it's really nothing. It's a, it's a ruthless robot driven algorithm and they, they will do the most, the most kind of click on it. And then they ask for your email. They have these little, this little thing that says M on a thing. And then you have to,

start getting involved with the algorithms. No, no. Let me tell you something. You're going to have to know about women sexually. Okay, you got me. Boom. Yeah. Listen, you just want to click on some cute little story about Meghan Markle tripping on a fire hydrant. You're like, I got some free time. I'll click on that. Sure. But they're all like, this person puts on a leggy display.

You know, those kind of things. This busty blonde. Cheeky display. Yeah, cheeky display. I think it's from Europe or whatever. Her purse bottom. Right. So a bunch of culmination of dumb stories. That's fair. I'm sure they would say it the same way. I think that's fair. I think you're in your lane so far. Yeah.

You're in your lane. Stay in your lane, Spade. Don't you go after Daily Mail. I'm not. I watch this garbage. And believe me, I take the time to click the Xs because there's 500 ads on the side. They pop in your face. They click. They block something. I'm just trying to dodge bullets so I can hear one crummy story. So anyway, now they say every third story is like,

This is Daily Mail Plus. I'm sorry, what's that? You can't read it unless you give us a buck 99. That's what I was talking about. Yeah. You put it better. Yeah. You jumped ahead. Yeah. I jumped all over your bit. So what's the funny part? There's no real bit. It's just saying like, I don't have an extra dollar 99 to give it. I like free garbage. I don't want to pay for it.

Look, here's the thing. You go on that thing. It's what they call a guilty pleasure. I don't know who thought of that, why you'd be guilty. The reason you look at TMZ and these sites is because once in a while, because they don't give a shit, they got a team of lawyers. Daily Mail has 10 million reporters around the world, just regular people. Here's 500 bucks.

And once in a while, they get it right. And they jump regular media. And that's why you look at it. Once in a while. Once in a while. They said two weeks ago, Trump's going to do tariffs and crash the global economy. So I clicked on it. You know, they predicted it. Right. I will say that it's like Dumas. There's ones that Dumas did the smart thing where they go, hey, everyone's a personal paparazzi. So rat out everyone you see at all times and there will be no where to hide in the world.

So that worked because then people do that. But then they run into some legalities. But, you know, overall, it's the same thing. So Daily Mail, I'm here to protest the $1.99. They get so many ads and so many things in there, you're making a killing. You're making it so hard to read and watch already. And now every third story about, you know, Prince Harry, yesterday he might have been wearing a bucket hat. Did he buy it or not? Click here.

I'm like, "All right." Then it's like, "Don't try. No, no, no, no. Don't try to get the free story." I'm not going to click on Bucket Hat. Will I? Would I want to click on it? Am I fascinated by what that guy gets on that ginger cranium? Yes. Am I going to click on it? Let me tell you this, the entire thing is written by AI robots, i.e. algorithms. They had a meeting.

You can do one of the voices. I'll do one of the A voices. How much should we charge for Daily Mail Plus? 99 cents? $1.99 is not as offensive. People might be able to scrape it together. Even though just the idea of it makes me physically ill.

I do. I have what you call a release bucket next to me when I'm watching Daily Mail in case I get one on deck. What did Wayne's World say? What would Wayne say? If you hurl, then I'm going to spew. If you spew, I'll get my puke bucket. Yeah. But I'll tell you what. Human beings were ready for the wheel.

They were ready for fire. They were ready for the printing press. They were ready for electricity. They were ready maybe even for nuclear power. But are they ready for robot-driven AIs brainwashing us into rage and anger? Because if it outrages, it's contagious. And I'm staying in my lane.

Well, I'm glad you're reminding yourself to stay in your lane. Well, I think that's the name of a podcast, the most boring podcast. We stay in our lane. Hi, we're staying in our lane. Hi, it was sunny today. What is our lane? They're like, just do your dopey jokes. Well, I know that we seem as if

It's entertaining enough that we have a script that we're reading from on the computer, but believe it or not, you know right now as much as we know about what we're gonna say next. - We have no idea. - We have no idea.

but i'm gonna robots you want comedy hire robots i'm gonna do boring yeah then you want boring that's us stay in our right all right so i get i get comments on my you know do red rednecky so i wrote two uh 10 minutes ago they're not very good but they're red rednecky the redneck comedian and

He's been gone for a while, Red Redneck. Yeah, he's still around. And these are not my best jokes, but at least I'm doing them. Sure. He's a comedian and his jokes maybe aren't the best jokes.

Okay, here we go. Let's try one. I'm gonna see if I can get a smile out of David. Not too much pressure. I'm Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian. My mama said, Red, only bleach will get the skid marks out of your underpants. I said, do what you gotta do, mom, because I need my tighty-whities before the Sadie Hawkins dance come against them.

Let's go to the judges, Heather. What do you think? Does she know what Sadie Hawkins is? Oh, she does. Okay. It just felt funny. It just makes no sense. It sounds funny. Yeah, I like it. My daddy said, help me change this tire, Red. I said, why? You've got four flats. He said, Red, that power of observation of yours is going to take you far in life. Come and get some. So he asked the girl to the dance and then he thinks his underpants will come off? Yeah.

We're going back one. We're going back. Because, yeah, okay, I'll read it slowly like a professor. Okay. Okay. Let's break it down like we're in a class. My mama said, read, that's her nickname for her son, only bleach will get the skid marks out of your underpants.

That's the setup. I got that part. I said, do what you got to do, mama. It should be mama. But I need my tighty-whities back in time for the Sadie Hawkins dance. Come on, get some. Okay. Tighty-whities is a funny term for low underpants. I said underpants first. That's funny. And then tighty-whities. Skid marks is funny. Okay. Do an assist. I need a better payoff. I need my tighty-whities back for Sadie.

Sadie Hawkins is just not doing it. In case I get in a car crash. I need my Tidy Whiters back in case I shit my pants. Yeah, because in a car crash, they say a lot of people shit their pants or wear clean underpants. Mama, I do not want to take a dump in my Tidy Whiters if they got skid marks on them. I need fresh tracks.

She said it might be a little lengthy, but yeah. I'm getting a smile. No, I like it. I like the breakdown behind the scenes of Red Redneck. So daddy says, help me change the tire. I said, why? You've got four flats.

And the dad, well, damn, Red, it's that power of observation is going to help you go far. So that's that. Well, first of all, it's good he's talking to both parents. There's a lot of communication. Yeah. And so the dad is teaching him life lessons.

And that's good. He notices four flats. Yeah, and I can't beat my classics. Like, what's for dinner, daddy? I said, daddy, what's for dinner? He said, shit on a shingle. I said, this day just keeps getting better and better. Come on, get some. That's one of the best ones. That's one of the greatest jokes of all time.

The best one was the first one, and it's a little outside the lane, but he said, I'm Redneckie, the redneck comedian. I met my sister only because mama took me down. Come and get some. I married my sister, yeah. I agree. That one is top 10. That's top five. All right. I know, it's exhausting. I was in Sun Valley. I did a couple, Carson, getting pulled over for drunk driving. When you said last week,

Wait, last week you said you were in Ketchum, and I didn't know if everyone knew that Ketchum was probably a beautiful city in Idaho?

It's in Idaho. It's next to Sun Valley. And I'd seen the name Ketchum, but Sun Valley has, you know, it's like Valhalla. It's all the celebrities and all the gorgeousness. And I assumed that Ketchum would be a shithole. But I got to Ketchum and it's gorgeous. And then I started reading up on the history of Ketchum. And it was about...

Crooks and thieves would rob the bank in Winnemucca, Nevada, go up north into Ketchum in Sun Valley to hide out. And this one sheriff was so...

persnickety and so persistent he would get a posse and chase the bad guys up into the town to catch him but in that days it was just Sun Valley and he goes folk he go they go hey hey sheriff I don't think we're gonna catch him let's go back to Winnemucca he says we gotta catch him you kidding we're gonna catch him if the last thing we do in fact I'm calling this part of Sun Valley catch him

Jeez. We're stumbling back into a Red Rednecki joke. You go to catch him? You got skid marks and catch him?

So that's how Ketchum came up. These bandits were chasing, if not had a bathroom break in 400 miles, you can bet they got skid marks. Yeah, thank you. This is a running theme. All right, I can switch to Carson because Carson killed so hard in Ketchum.

- Oh, I love it. - And I don't know if I've done this one on our show. - Okay. - Okay, I like the name. I don't think I can top this name. Well, first I'll do a warmup one. Okay. - Okay.

Sorry, officer, I didn't know I was swerving. I had a triple whiskey sour at Banana Dan's. Yeah, I like Banana Dan's. Banana Dan's, right? This is the one that won the day in Ketchum. Won the day. Sorry, officer. Sorry, officer, I didn't know I was swerving. I had a double leaky giraffe at the Desperate Sponge.

I'm laughing. Heather's drifting off, but Heather. Oh, she can't hear that. Well, she can't hear that. Oh, you can't hear Dana at all. She can't hear me at all. Then that's what we got to get her a mic. That's tampering your jokes a little bit. She laughs at all your jokes, but I saw you. I got a big smile at one of the great. I laugh at it because what was the sponge? Yeah. Yeah.

I had a leaky giraffe. Those are hard to come up with. You can do those wrong because Desperate Sponge is funny to me. I don't think I can top Desperate Sponge. I've got a lot of feedback on it. This is for anybody who wants to leave in the comments. We started out Slippery Monkeys at the Hook and Crook, Two Frozen Soldiers at the Windy Shummet, but now...

We have, you know, a double-decker vodka up with a twist at the Desperate Sponge. Desperate Sponge is like, damn, how do you beat it? First of all, he's saying it like Carson is 88% of it. And then you just have to have a little funny puncher at the end. Funny name. Yeah, because it's some way of tapping into 1970s. Carson's pulled over that the drink places and the drinks...

They send Carson to AA and he says, I had a desperate problem. I had a leaky giraffe. Do you have a drinking problem? I think you have a language problem. There's no cocktail really involved. A lot of those places are closed now. I haven't heard of any of them. I've never been to any of those places. The Windy Summit is still there. Yeah, they're shutting down so many things. But Carson went to AA and he goes, I had a two slippery monkeys NA.

at the desperate sponge. I have a real question a lot of my lane, but was Carson a sex addict? Yes. Have you heard that? I know a lot of things. I know someone who dated Johnny Carson for a year when he was 25, when she was, he was 55, she was 25. He said she had a slippery nipple. He said, you know, look, I don't know if this is true. I don't want to get sued, but he liked poppers, amyl nitrate.

Yeah, take some of this and you'll come like a banshee. Oh, now I got to laugh. Yeah, you're getting out of your lane. I'm getting out of my lane. I'm being blue and scatological today. Let's go to clean stuff. ♪

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at roan.com slash fly with code fly that's r-h-o-n-e dot com slash fly with code fly at checkout we can go to the headlines but what else you got i have one more thing i checked in with my good friend the one and only lauren michaels

And Lorne, and I want to talk about the good night incident with you in a second. Oh yeah, that's right. But with Lorne, as you know, he's become very interested in the lively Baldini thing, but I just wanted to talk to him about last week's show and who's he got coming up in April. So Lorne, how are you? So he texted back. There's, I think that lively will probably settle because I think Baldini's got the upper hand and I texted. Yeah. But who's the host coming up?

Lively's team thinks that Baldini's claims will be debunked immediately. Yeah, but I mean, in May, do you have any guess? It's set to go to trial in March. I think it'll get nastier until it gets less nastier.

Right. But any musical guests we should know about or any reunions? It's a classic sexual harassment. I think the evidentiary proof is there if you want to present it in court. He seems like he's not even answering what you're asking. Are you going to? I know. It seems like he's ignoring my text. Are you going to go to Amagansett this summer? Reynolds also has a counter suit that's going to come in and he will have to defend on both sides.

Sometimes when he texts me, he put, I'm not believing what RR is saying. I'm like, is that Ryan Reynolds? Obviously. This is the kind of thing that if you like it, you like it. If you don't, you're like, right now, what percentage of people listening to us are right now ironing a shirt? Probably 18 to 20. Let's see some hands. Yeah. Phones are lighting up. Okay. I have a couple more.

I have one last one. The Japanese guy in an earthquake. Oh, because you just got served that on a plate last week because there was an earthquake. But he got his building retrofitted. He retrofitted his building. He's a little cockier on the phone. Retrofit. Retrofit. Not a problem. Whatever.

Retrofit. Retrofit. Retrofit. Retrofit. Retrofit. You okay for Earthquake? Retrofit. Retrofit. Retrofit. Retrofit.

Retrofit! And scene. I can't... You know what I have to do, David? No, the problem is you have to use two hands for that bit. The thing that you have, you have an arm. The next time you see me on this... Oh, for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to have an arm because I'm doing too many act outs and I don't have a hand. It's too much. I couldn't talk on the phone. I have retrofit. No problem. Retrofit. With standard, like, you know, so... Or you need someone... You need, like...

Heather to come there and shake the bit, like shake the computer. Yeah. Heather can be my sidekick, my puppeteer. All right. So the Morgan Wall, and we'll put this to bed. It's a big story this week. Biggest story in history. We're the final word on it because between the two of us, we've been to about 300 good nights. Yeah. Okay. So first of all-

Let's break down the good nights. Do you-- did you enjoy the good nights? 'Cause he just walked off. The good nights are the part of the show where you hear the... - Yeah. -Like Cheryl-- whoever it was, whoever it is now. -Very-- very mellow. -Play a piano, it means we're out of show, but we've got about 45 seconds to get everyone on the stage, say good night, you mention the host, you thank any special guests, you thank the music,

And then you thank the cast and then they do the credits and everyone hugs or whatever they do. Right. And depending on the length of the show, the good night could be longer. Oh yeah. People don't know that it, it, it expands or contracts. They couldn't fit in a sketch and we've got it. Okay. We're going to have a fucking three minute good night. Yeah. The band keeps playing. So then you, there's strategies where you can die on a vine out the good nights, because if it's three minutes and you don't know it,

Well, there you are now. He's just like, see you later. I don't know. He walks right into the fucking A camera. Half the cast members have COVID and he just got it. But look, good night's

If it was canceled, would you be sad? I mean, I know Lorne's a genius. You gotta have it. The audience loves it. I don't mind it, yeah. But, you know, the strategy of like this, if you're new, if you have a nose for the lens, your parents are watching, you want to get up front, but you don't want to look like a greedy whore. So you hang in the back and wait for your moment. What I did when I was there in the fall doing Biden, whoops,

Go ahead. I would take a cast member or I took Alec Baldwin or I took a cast member and I put my arm around him, bring him up front and then turn him this way and that way. I did it with, you know, Heidi or Ashley. To show them off. Well, so that they don't have to be hungry for the, just have their mom and dad. And then I'd ask them, my mom and dad loved it.

What you want is the host to immediately turn around and do a beeline towards you and give you a huge hug on camera. That's the ideal situation as a cast member. But the host doesn't know what to do either. They don't know how much time they have. So they're just killing time and vamping

And then they're kind of eyeballing the monitor going, are we still going? So hug, hug, hug, kiss, kiss, kiss. You were great. I try to stay in the back row. We've talked about this. If I was light in the show, I didn't deserve. A lot of times I wouldn't go to the good nights because I wasn't in the show. So I'm like, I don't, I shouldn't be up there. So that was my personal argument with myself.

Yeah, well, I almost, well, I shouldn't really say this, but this guy is an incredibly nice guy and a brilliant songwriter and performer, Shaboosie. Shaboosie, what's his name? Shaboosie. Shaboosie came up and he's such a big person that he picked me up.

And then he got a... Someone pulled him a chair. He got me on my lap like I was a marionette. Yeah, you're a puppet. I was a puppet. He was too far ahead of me. Dude, Jacuzzi, when I saw him backstage, I thought it was Derrick Henry. He's the hugest...

coolest looking yeah stud i wanted him to i wanted to be friends with him so i could walk around with the gentlest nicest uh personality he doesn't wear his you know he looks like an nba forward or something like his size of man is like i don't know six nine two six yeah and then yeah i don't even know if he knew me because i walked by and he goes what's up pussy i go was he the music guest when you did hunter biden

Yeah. Okay, so maybe he picked both of us up and we were both sitting on a pond. Yeah, he put me in his hand like Stuart Little at the Good Nights. Stuart Little was huge for me in the fourth grade. Don't hit me with Stuart Little. Is Stuart Little the mouse? The little mouse would get in a little peapod and go down a river. Jesus, it was so fucking amazing. He made a peapod a canoe? Yeah. Stuart Little could do anything. Pretty inventive.

And they float? I guess I shouldn't. They float and they go down. I don't want to troubleshoot the Stuart a little too hard. You were probably in fourth grade in the yellow book or the red book. You were still trying to figure out how to say C-spot run probably.

Oh, my God. I've never been so insulted. Were you in the blue book? You're not in your lane, dude. Were you in the blue book? What's blue book? Does that mean there was a series of books where you got smarter, you got different colors? I felt bad because my brothers had dyslexia. So in third grade, they were in the red books. There's the red, the yellow, green, and then blue, and then this secret society with the purple book.

Is that the smart people? Super IQ. I went in there and they had a huge picture of you as a four-year-old. I'm like, black and white photo. I was like, what? Who the fuck is that guy? No joke. Me and the Vietnamese kid used to walk down to fourth grade reading and math when I was second grade. So I don't want to over-talk about that. But I will say this. To try to get some action, this was a panty dropper. We would do our times tables and you get like a sheet

eight times 756 nine times 981 you know you just go through but i was good at times tables so you get them and they go teacher goes just do it as fast as you can whenever no rush you know it's not a contest it was 100 of contests for me the only thing i could win so i would do it and you're just supposed to gently turn it over and wait for the class i would finish it and go like this and then i go what's everybody doing this weekend oh should i not talk are we not is everyone not done

Oh, so I shouldn't talk? Oh, shh. Oh, people are still doing it. Oh, literally every other person is still doing it? Okay. I've just been teachers like, shut the fuck up. I'm like, no, I know. I just didn't know. I thought we were all equal. I didn't know my intelligence level was through the roof like a skyrocket. So I did it. And then I'm like, can we talk yet?

That was so embarrassing. The loud turnover was really my signature move. Okay, seven times 13. You have one second. Seven times 13. No, I don't. No, no, no. Dana, Dana, listen. Dana. 91. We don't... Seven times 13 is 91? Of course.

Well, we don't go over. Sometimes brainiacs come in bunches. No, our little test we did. I wasn't ready for that, by the way. Sometimes it was only single digit, single digit. But don't quiz me now. I was smart in fourth grade. I told you I'm dumb now. I always hated 12. I knew 12 times 12 was 144, but I always hated 12 times 13 or 12 times 11. That fucked me up.

The nines have a good trick because they always add up to nine. You know, 81, you know, it's 81. So I was the smallest kid in my class in third and fourth grade and my best friend was Clint. Smallest Clint in your puss? Sorry, it's an X-rated joke. Ha ha ha!

Clem Chen was my best friend and we were both about the same height and he was a math wizard. Wait, who was the other guy? Clem Chen was his name. Oh, was he Chinese? I suppose so. I don't look at race. I just look at people. I don't see color. I don't see names. I don't see numbers. I don't see letters. Yeah. But he was Vietnamese. I had a Vietnamese kid named Shin Lawrence and I just saw Shin. He came to the show. Remember, Heather?

Came backstage. I was on a plane once and Clem Chen walked past me. Clem Chen. Now this sounds made up. Shin Lawrence. Israel. God is my witness. It was Clem Chen.

And he was one of my best friends, third, fourth grade. And he was definitely a really smart kid, you know? And we were both tiny. Yeah, I was fucking microscopic. And when they did the class picture, you know? Yeah. It starts with the teensiest and goes up. It was me first, then girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl. Now we start the guys and the girls mixing in together.

Talk about a Sadie Hawkins dance in junior high and then someone... I'm going to start crying. Someone, you know, Crimson and Clover was mine. Crimson and Clover. I get a adrenalized panic attack and then I go up to a girl who's probably two feet taller than me. Minimum. Me too. Kathy Davenport, you know.

So then he's like, so humiliating. Dude, listen, I can't even stand it. You get on TikTok and they're like, where are my short kings? I don't like short king. There, I said it. You can't add a word king and think it erases the first word. I'm like, yeah, where's my fat queens? No, no, you're my plumpy princess. It's a compliment.

You're a plumpy princess. I'm still processing short kings. Short king summer, Dana. It's coming back. Maybe it's over. Maybe it's pipsqueak winter. I don't know what it is right now. We're in the springtime right now. A little early for the summer. I don't like it. It's offensive. Look, an 80-year-old woman who weighs 70 pounds with a revolver can destroy any human man.

In about three seconds. So this whole idea, like being 6'8", and guarding everyone with a sword, that was a big deal. Now it's all about... Oh, in the old days. It's all about what's between the ears, mofo. I try to say that to people that don't buy it.

Girls on TikTok, like, I went on a date last night. He said he was 6'4". He's only 6'2", but hey, short king summer. And then he only made 400 grand, which is fine. But you know what? Everyone's not a millionaire. He's fucking scratching and scraping. So we went to dinner, and I was like, oh, fuck.

he picked up the menu i was like he picks it up like a girl but whatever anyway these are like girls reviewing their dates on tiktok well why is this phrase exists we haven't planned this okay funny is money tall is is there a thing for tall is no tall just rules the world tall you need nothing else just be tall that's it girls are like the hunt is over actually marcella

Marcella? Marcella. Marcello. Marcello, our buddy from SNL. We should have actually checked in with our correspondent, Sarah Sherman, to ask about Morgan Wallen. But we're still talking about that. But Marcello had a good bit about that. I saw him at the Comedy Store. Actually, we did a set about a week ago. He was funny. Was it about being tall or short? He does think he's not that tall. And he...

He talks about it. You know. He's funny. Funny kid. He has good jokes. Let me just, a couple things. Al Pacino, like, if you watch Al Pacino. Great ass. Oh, yeah. What are you going to do? Where are you going to go? You don't know. What are you saying? I like the quiet. Oh, yeah. What are you going to do, man? What are you going to say? Well, I'm doing a little bit of Scarface, but with him. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Great ass. I'll take a flamethrower. You got me. What was that one in Scent of a Woman? I don't know where I heard it. I'll take a flamethrower to this place. Flamethrower to his ass. He took it to the girl's ass. I'll take a flamethrower to your ass. Well, you're mixing it up, sir. He's arguably our greatest movie star. Look at Godfather 1 and 2 and on and on and on and on and in recent things that he's done, biopics and stuff. But...

They didn't want him. And for the Godfather, it says he's 5'5". Okay, that means he's probably 5'4". Which is 5'2". Go ahead. And Marcelo has this. And Marcelo's not. He's fine. He's probably, you know, whatever he is. With his hair, he's 6'1". Yeah, no. But he's a... He's got fluffy hair. The personality of Pacino, you never think about it or talk about it. Same thing with Dustin Hoffman. It's not an issue. You just... Tommy Cruz is 3'11".

Tom, if Tom Cruise and I were barefoot and looking at each other, guess who? I don't think he's as tall as you. No, no way. No way. Dana's taller than you think.

uh i know every time i see you i think you're i i go you're taller than i think uh tell you what posture man posture no i also think you slumped anyway i slumped but my point is uh tom cruise who's uh uh at this point let's face it a freak uh as far as a film he's getting there he's gonna be a bonafide movie star one more hit he's in the frinky level uh of uh

of our movie stars. So, anyway, all I'm saying is, whatever. I will tell you that to wrap it all up in a tidy bow, Morgan Wallen, my humble opinion was-- Hot take?

He just had to get out of there. Like, again, we're explaining the good nights. I think he says, good night, and they show everybody, and he waves. Then he hugs Mikey Madison and says, hey, great time. Take it easy. I got a boogie. And he split, I think, to go to another road gig, and he had a private jet. But I think everyone took more offense than it was. If it was a regular...

Some of those good nights could have cut off by then. I don't think he's trying to be rude. No, the only thing he did was, I guess, bother people or something. He Instagrammed or whatever he did. Yeah, get me to God's country, and he had a private jet there. Where's God's country again? I don't know. It ain't in Manhattan, apparently. By the way, it was such a story that he has merch now, no joke, that says, get me to God's country. I know. Did you know that, Heather? Mm-hmm.

We can pull it up if you want, but I think it's in the shape, if I have a keen eye, of the Coors logo. Old Coors. Right. Font. Okay. Yeah. But let's get to some hot fucking stories. Let's do it. We did it. We don't know these stories. We're going to try to figure it out. Mm-hmm. Oh, Katy Perry says she's going to put the ass in astronaut in a wild interview ahead of the all. Okay. Dana, I have a good question about this because I read about this article

You know, all these females are going to space, right? Right. And there's probably six. Okay. Okay. So there's Lauren Sanchez, we know, Katy Perry, Gayle King, and three, I think, astronauts. Maybe it's just all actual astronauts. So they're going to space. So I'm reading the story. I've heard about the story for a couple of weeks, the training, the whatever. How many days do you think they're up there? My guess was 10 days.

Oh, no. I mean, this is Blue Origin. This is this toy. This is more like a toy compared to SpaceX. They are up in space for maybe three to four minutes. Eleven minutes. Dana, don't undercut. And you should guess really high. And then I give you the fucking news and then you go, holy shit. I know I blew it. Let's let's rewind. Three to four minutes. Rewind. That's a space trip. I'm like.

You could just go on the World Trade Center and stand. Bad example. You could go to the Statue of Liberty and stand on the top of it. What else is tall? And just say, I'm almost as high as they're going to be. So I thought they went to fucking the moon or something. I'm honestly so stupid.

Heather, what did you think? No, I, well, you're, you're, you're training. You're going to space. It's this big a deal. How about this is an afterthought. You go, Oh, you guys, yesterday was fun. We all got to go up in that thing. We kind of buzzed around. Right. For 11 minutes and came back.

Is that what people are paying 250 grand a pop for? Yeah, you go past the thin blue line of our atmosphere and you get into space and then you're weightless for a little bit and you're looking down. That's where William Shatner came off as a Billy Shatner poet. I can't believe I went into space. Spade is shocked. I will say...

that it sounds, listen, it's definitely interesting. I think it's hyped up a little more of a big deal than it might be. It's definitely cool. Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, it's blowing people's minds. But you have to learn how to float and learn how to do this and train underwater. I thought they were doing all that stuff. William Shatner did it in 91. So I think people can do it. I just think they're going to have to account for

Lauren Sanchez, her, you know, the weightiness of her-- Excuse me. Continue. Go ahead. I'm not gonna say it. Inching out of your lane, hitting the double lines. Oh, here we go. Now I'm centered. Hmm. Well... No, it's-- I think it's an incredible thing. It's just not SpaceX. You know, they're not going to the space station. That's what I thought they were doing. I thought they were going to the space station. People go around the world in SpaceX.

Okay, how about this, Dana? What's the belt or the name, I will know if you say it, where they're saying you can't... I've heard of Orion's Belt. Is that the one where you can't get through without burning up and they're saying that's why maybe we didn't know the moon? No, I think that's a star constellation. If you're looking up at the night sky and you see something that looks like a belt, I'm out of my lane right now. What's Orion's Belt loop then? Is that something else? That the belt goes through it?

I'm kidding. But I'm saying that there's firmament. Oh, I don't know all these words. There's something where they're saying, if the people that say we didn't go to the moon say we can't get through something because you burn up. So we can only go up and come down, up and come down. We can't go all the way. Is that something? It'll be in the fucking comments. I'll tell you that. Well, it's probably, besides the takeoff, coming through the atmosphere is a very hazardous time. You have to really kind of-

Hot and humid. Little, uh. 3,000 million degrees. You don't want to be Colonel Sanders, wet dream. Crispy. That's not bad. Not bad. I like that. Oh, thanks. I get lucky once in a while. One more story where I absolutely have no knowledge.

You know, Dana, I saw Mindy Kaling the other night at this little shindig and it made me think she does a masterclass, you know, that's one of our sponsors. And it reminded me masterclass can really help you. Like they have great people on there.

Oh, absolutely. You know what I mean? That's a great site. You learn from the best when you take Masterclass. It's the only streaming platform where you can learn and grow from over 200 plus of the world's best for just under $10 a month. That's billed annually. A membership with Masterclass gets you unlimited access to every instructor. And you can do it by phone. You can do it by your computer, smart TV, or even audio. But they have people like...

Big stars, Mindy Kaling, teach you about comedy. Find your inner truth with RuPaul. We got Amy Poehler doing some improv. I mean...

It's great stuff. Yeah. They're great. I love the way they're laid out. They're all like, uh, eight, 10 minute videos. Uh, it's part of the class. Very simple. You see the person. Yeah. Uh, develop your comedic voice. I, Mindy Kaling would actually be great at that. The classes make a difference. Get this, David, just give me a second. 88% of members feel that masterclass has made a positive impact on their lives. Well, it's very, very believable. Uh,

You know, if I'm, if you want to learn something about pretty much anything, you just go on, on there and look around and say, it doesn't have to be about movies or anything like stupid stuff we do, but you know, you can say, I want to learn how to do this. Finance, pretty much everything in life, cooking, music, filmmaking, just pretty much everything. Plus every new membership comes with a 30 day money back guarantee. Don't wait another minute.

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In other news related to this, a Mr. Lex Luthor gave a statement saying it was mine, all mine. A Mr. Lex Luthor of Belgradia claimed ownership. You know, I just ran into Rachel Brosnahan and she is doing the new Superman movie. I hope it's not up against busboys. She is marvelous, Mrs. Brosnahan.

Yeah, she plays Lois Lane. She plays marvelous Mrs. Lois Lane. Well, wait a minute. You're not going to go up against Superman because it actually, I don't know if the movie's going to be good. No, we're not. But the trailer was fantastic because he's lying down on the ice and he's really distressed. He's been hurt. And he does this whistle. And then you see this thing coming at you. And it's Superdog from the cartoon. So as a baby boomer, he's got a cape on and Superdog is going to

drag him to safety. So I was already gonna buy a ticket just to see Superdog. Oh, we'll see that, but you also get Rachel and-- And Rachel-- Rachel Maddow. I heard Superdog says-- Superman goes, "Superdog, he will poop on you." It's like Triumph.

Triumph, the comic insult dog is actually-- Do you think he auditioned for Superdog and didn't get it because they go, "No, you're too dirty." Superman, there is ice here for you to poop on, Superman. Yeah, that's it. He is actually the bad guy in the movie. I will tell you one thing they might skip

And Rachel's great, Superman's great. I like these movies. I think I saw Superman versus-- - Well, I like that already. - You know, whoever, man. And they fight. And I don't like when they fight. And the fight scene is a half hour. The truth is, if you can't kill Superman, you have absolutely no kryptonite on you. None in sight. They just keep punching him, he smashes the building. He slides down, flies back.

Why do we need a half-hour fight for two people that can't die? I mean, it's fun, but let's keep it tight. I've seen it in the Marvel one. It's the Hulk versus Mothra or something. Neither entity can get hurt. All entity can take punishment and recover in a tenth of a second. And it goes on for 45 minutes. Exactly. Thank you. You get it. They kind of limp away like...

Yeah, not one band-aid, not one arm sling, nothing. It's just like... And they're never like, I'm still jarred from that fight I had two days ago. I'll tell you what, though. I assume the plot of Superman and the sensibility is top secret, but they've been trying to hatch this for decades because the original Superman with Christopher Reeves is a masterpiece. Richard Donner directed it. You had Brando. Since then, no... Batman...

went into dark reality like Christopher Nolan made it seem like he fell down a cave. This is why he's this crazy Batman. Superman is a goody two shoes. So where do you go with that? So I'd be curious if they unlocked the key to make a great Superman movie in 2025. There, I said it. I heard that this is probably not true, but Superman does a collab with Bonnie Blue and watches her screw a thousand guys. Is that true? Yeah.

And he actually has sex with 2000 med baby- - He tries to beat her 'cause she's the bad guy. He says, "I could beat that sex record." - I'll tell you what, they should start on Krypton, start on the main planet like they did.

and and what's her name betty blue should be bonnie blue should be and that's why they want to explode the planet because they're so outraged by her activity oh or the or the bad guys are super horny and they and they enlist bonnie blue and the other girl to go have sex everybody to wear a model but well superman can just so superman can think for a second and figure out what to do and

- Well, Krypton, the people of Krypton who live in a place called, and also create kryptonite, but they live on the planet Krypton, they also can have, they have sex for sometimes a million years at a time. - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, well that's-- - Is that too much? - That's too far because these girls can do it for a day and then they're like in the ER, but it's worth it, they get the clicks. But if there are some bad guys from Horndog City or something that come down and,

Listen, I don't have it all mapped out yet in my head, but I'll talk to Rachel. Well, I'll just say it to the audience. David and I had a casual story meeting at Warner Brothers, and we pitched these ideas. We're saying them clumsily now, but we never got a callback. We never. I think, you know what I hate? What if this plot is in Superman, and we're like, they obviously stole it from us from that meeting.

Well, the one thing in the first Superman, Ned Beatty, who was in Deliverer. He played- Gene Hackman, too. And Gene Hackman, he played Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. He played kind of the dunce, comic, idiot character. Well, what do you want me to do, Mr. Luthor? I want you to get out of here. So that, they could bring back that character. And then Gene Hackman was trying to name, he was going to have an earthquake, and then California would be renamed-

all these cities named after Lutherville or something. Yeah, Lutherville, Luther, Luther, everything. Luther, everything. Gene Hackman was great and everything ever done. And I would say Greg Kinnear, not being funny here, could play Perry White extremely well. Greg Kinnear as Perry White is the boss of the Daily Post. Now get out of here. Now get me that. Get you, you know. Who is it? J.K. Dobbins?

Or J.K. Rawlings? I don't know. J.K. Simmons? J.K. Simmons? J.K. Simmons, yeah. Oh, is it? Oh, Matt, that might be in Spider-Man.

You got to get yours. Jesus. We're going to turn off the comments. People are going to just go nuts. Okay. Next story. We really did a good one with that one. That was a good one. That was good. Seriously. Oh, this is, I don't know if this is real. This is underneath the pyramids. We talked about the pyramids last week. Let's see if this is fake or not. I like the first comment.

Clutch your pearls, girls, because now you're telling me that as of today, Dr. and archaeologist Ramey, I don't want to be disrespectful to the Egyptian culture, is the first human being to make his way to the bottom of the shafts underneath the pyramid and has reported back what he found in the chamber at the bottom. And it is mind blowing. Now.

Like always, take what you will, leave what you won't. It looks a little fake. I have purposely not talked about this topic yet because I like to have my facts back. You can jump out. I just like talking about the pyramids. I like that if the pyramid is just the top of the iceberg, the pyramid's pretty big anyway, Dana. Have you seen them? Well, let me ask you a question and Heather can look it up. Do they really know for a fact that

how that many thousand years ago they made the pyramids. Is that documentable or they kind of have theories of moving? You're saying the theory we all have heard our whole lives is that they built them in some crazy way where they rolled the stones or they did something. 20 tons of stones with thousands of waves. We can't even do it now. And we've got cranes and I'm way stronger than a normal person back then.

He said, what is it you're saying? AI says, well, we don't have a definitive, complete picture of exactly how the thermos were built. Archaeologists and historians believe it's a combination of ramps. Oh, a combination of ramps. This is what historians believe. Even AI doesn't know. But they can't prove it. No, no, nobody knows. Not provable. So I say it's either some supernatural leap by human beings in Egypt or...

Egypt. Alien intervention. I think it's aliens. I think it's alien intervention. Because that's way more fun. Let's get Dr. Greer on here. By the way, we're not that crazy when we think that aliens are real. I think people are finally like, I think they are. I mean, look at the five million drones that are unexplainable. You go, some are explainable, but something's going on out there. Yeah, we should get Greer. I saw another guy.

Jeremy Corbell, I met him at the airport. He's like... UFO guy? Yeah, he's a UFO YouTuber. And he said... I said, what about Giza? Because I just heard that day. I'm like, so we could always have him on. What about Giza? I'm like, fucking...

Giza, dude. That's like the Super Bowl for these guys. They find out something new, they're like, holy shit. It's all going to come out or not. We have theories and then they're provable. Einstein, just when he was probably seven years old, probably his first words, he hasn't spoken yet. Albert, Albert, would you like some milk? And his first words he ever said was, Black holes are real. That was it.

And now we've proven that they're real. Einstein had theories of relativity, theories about gravity and space-time. Now we can prove them with our telescopes. - So are those real? Do they all, 'cause I like the term theory, I didn't even connect that. - They were theories. And then it was proven, the time-space, and it was proven that if you go on a spaceship, the speed of light going to outer space, come back to Earth,

You're the same age, everyone's 150. E equals M squared. We can theorize with string theory that there's more than one dimension that we're in right now. There is a fifth dimension. A fifth dimension. And they can sing harmony at a rate that no one has ever... Sorry. I still can't believe frickin' SpaceX is only going as high as the goddamn Empire State Building with Katy Perry.

- It's really bothering me. - I got to admit, I mean, when you're sitting there about to take off, you know it's just a rocket full of fuel. You also know there's no pilot, there's no way out and you're gonna go straight up. - Oh, I wouldn't do it. Would I pay 250 grand? No. Could you pay me 250 grand? Also no. - What is your price? 'Cause everyone has a price. - I like when people go, "I don't know a price." And they go, "Million?" I go, "Okay."

A million to shit my pants on national TV? I don't think so. I would be so scared. I'd be like, let me out. Let me out. And they'd be like, five, four. No, no, let me out. Three.

Let me out. I'm not joking. Stop it. I'm going to sue you guys. But like we talked about Carol Leifer, like you got, she said, even in 2025, if they do three female comics, like ladies night out, you know, with four men, they never go, guys are coming. Yeah. But now it's like, can you believe four, six women could be in a spaceship altogether? But the truth is they don't have to do that much, but also I think they can handle it.

Ladies with no gravity, it's coming to you soon. What will they do? Katy Perry, they both said they're gonna bring their glam squad or they wanna bring some makeup up there. I think they're just saying anything to be funny or like, what are we expected to say 'cause we're killing time in a press junket about going 100 feet up in the air. All right, here's-- Yeah, go ahead, let's hear it. I'm gonna pitch this 'cause it's about you and Theo.

I'm going to make a couple calls. Okay. And I'm going to say it's going to be good for them. Off the successful buzz of Busboys, the movie I've seen. No, a week before its release. David Spade and Theo Vaughn go on Blue Origin, which is a great, handy little rocket. You go up in your wait list, then you open up your shirts, and it says Busboys, you know, whatever it is, July 5th.

Oh, I think back in the day when the space shuttle used to launch that there was a, maybe it was Sandler for Waterboy. They were trying to get an ad on the side of it. I think, I'm not even joking. Wow, that's interesting. It would have been great. Yeah. Because they had a lot of pull back then and that was a big deal, space shuttle. Space shuttles still go up or no? I don't know. No, no, they bombed out and I was on a flight with Buzz Aldrin. This is not a joke. And-

I talked to him a lot about being on the moon. I said, what was all that? He says, it's just science. He had ice in his veins, that guy, but he was a very cool astronaut. But he was upset about the space shuttle. He thought it was way too complicated. All we needed was what he called a big, dumb rocket to get stuff into space, just a big, dumb rocket, not what they have. But what Elon Musk has done, big, dumb rocket goes up,

then comes down, gets caught, and can be reused. That was the revolution, you know? But I'm from the '60s. We were in 2001. There was a Howard Johnson's hotel and restaurant on the moon. We're not even close.

When was that? Oh, in 2000. That was 1968. And that was in that movie. Yeah. You precious movie. Villians could go to the moon and there's a moon hotel, moon base. And it's all cool that I would like to drag. I'm not going to the moon. It's not bumping people. It's dusty. You have to dust every day. It's just moon dust on everything. Well, you're not outside much. You're just inside. Unless you want to go see the monolith. I would go for walks. I got to get my steps. I grind. Yeah.

Even if I take one step, that means I'm grinding. I'm trying to get my steps each day. How many steps? Rise and grind. 6,000? Nope. 6,000. I love that joke. Oh, that's good. They have a new one. Whenever you say, I say nope, and then I say it. They have a new one that keeps track of your heart rate throughout the day.

with the steps and your average heart rate. If it's 120, not good. If it's down in the 70s or something, very good as an average. They have an app where you can fake the amount of steps you have. And if you're using this to get laid, this is embarrassing. You're like, what's up, gals? Just checking me apps. Somebody got 9,200 steps today. And they're like, oh. And you're like, it's really only 6,400. Well...

Who needs that app? Who does that? And by the way- That app is not selling well. As Biden would say, and guess what? By the way. And by the way, no, I'm being real here. Bushmen out in Tanzania or wherever, ancient men and women, they walk less than we do. All they do is conserve energy like lions and stuff. And then when they need it, they really need it. But we have plenty of steps. All you have to do is get into a seated chair

squat every day for an hour. Take your calls and just squat down and sit there. That's the best thing you can do? Best thing you can do, hip mobility. I heard squat against a wall, right? Well, or if you could do it out in the world, you know. You just squat like Bushman. Like that's how people sit. I think...

Some Asian people sit like that when they rest. You sit down. Vietnamese because you're in the rice patties. And so you need to make a chair out of your lower body. But is this good for your body? It opens up your spine. It's good for your body. Would it be good like we're doing it now? Probably not. But if you did it throughout your life, young people understand that mobility is a huge part. There's strength and endurance, but there's also mobility and especially in the hip joint. Yeah.

I'm wound so fucking tight. Yeah. All right. On that note. On that silly note. Anyway. People don't like me preening and looking at my hair. I can't help it. I see this fluff over here. Well, you guys do a podcast because anyone could do it. And by the way, so when you're doing it in this situation, you're seeing yourself on the screen. Staring yourself the whole goddamn time. So here I am, just for the fans. Here I'm looking at David. Ha, ha, ha. Here I am checking myself out. Here I am looking up at you.

The thing is, we don't look directly into the camera because I'm looking at Dana. But if I look in the camera, I look up here, which looks more realistic. But I can't talk to Dana without looking at him. Camera, David, me. Heather, Katy Perry on the moon. Greg Holtzman, Heather. Rats in my infested mansion, Gayle King.

You got me on that one. She's on the rocket ship. She's on the glorified airplane. The last thing we're going to do is ask the chat room. They have room for one more woman in American society to go on Blue Origin. Let's nominate that one more woman, Meryl Streep. And we will tell them next week who won. I'm nominating Meryl Streep.

I'm nominating the lion that killed the people because he wasn't having it. I would nominate Lady Gaga because on Liftoff, she'd be like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,

Too, too, too, too high. James Taylor, ain't it good to know you're on a rocket ship? Give him a guitar. No, they'd be mad because when they're taking off, he goes, I've seen fire. And I was like, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't sing that now. That song's about a plane crash. Oh, please. Do you not know that? No, I thought it was an addiction, fire and rain, you know?

No, just yesterday morning. It was his girlfriend who got in a plane crash. Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone. Jeez, Luis, that's such a brilliant song. Now I can't listen to it. It'll be sad. Oh, you'll ball your head off. But I do like nominating someone. I want people to get creative. Suzanne, the plans we had put an end to that. Yeah, whatever. Oh, yeah, if you listen to it now.

And everyone will tell me I'm lying in the comments. I probably am. All right. Okay, Dana, I got to run. So just wait here for about 20 minutes. Yeah, I'll wrap up the show with Heather and Greg and you have a nice cheeseburger. All right. Oh yeah, I'm going on tour. Where am I going? Oh, Boston. New Jersey is my next weekend. Okay, I'll tell you more about it later. Thank you, Dana. Perfect. For the people who waited. Bye. Bye.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.