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It's called a rabbit hole, David. We went down it. We went down it, but it did remind me of, I have not been to the Funny Bone in Yugoslavia, but I did do the Brea improv last week to get ready for the tour, davidspay.com. Yes. Yeah. So I do the tour, so I have to warm up. You've done this, Danny. You go to clubs. But you have to mix in some new stuff, so it's a little tricky. Especially when the special comes out.
Well, when the special comes out, I have to integrate a mix for a while. So what's your... How many minutes do you have right now that are not part of the special? Three? Four? No, I got like six, five. Six minutes. So hard-earned money. Get your David Spade tickets. Well, it's the special and then there will be some... Yeah, of course. I mean, it would just always be evolving. I
I mean, when I started my last tour to do the special, it was just different by the end, you know, because I'm adding and subtracting. Yeah. And so it's always in a flux of being mixed around. Sometimes I'll pull old bits from the first special or I'll do this and that. But Brea, here's my hot opener. You want to hear it? Okay. Brea is a 400-seat improv theater in...
The town of Brea. Brea, California. It's inland about an hour and a half. Considered an improv. It's part of the improv ecosystem. I think it was 600-seater. It's pretty big. It's like- 600? Yeah. Cha-ching. It's a good one. All right. Let me introduce you. Ladies and gentlemen, from you know him, from Just Shoot Me and Rules of Engagement, please welcome Dana Spudley. So Spudley comes out. You come out.
And then I say, oh my God, it's great to be here in Brea. Did you know what your city's motto is? No one knows. And I say, it's Brea, almost bread. Is that good? Nothing. And then I go-
You'll get the D when you get here. I go, how would city council think of that? So you're either on a roll or you've just dug a hole. They laugh anyway because they don't know. Even if they don't get it, they go, oh, Brea is spelled like almost bread. I got it. Well, you're famous, man. Hanging out with you is like hanging out with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. I mean, I just fade into the background, which I do love. But yeah, you are famous.
Riddle me this, like your special's coming out and the name of it is, which I love. I got a feel for this. Got a feel for this. That is so perfect for you. And of course you did that in the 50th and-
Oh, no. Wait, Dana. I just got a correction. The tour is I got a feel for this. The special is Dandelion. We just announced the special finally on Amazon. Now we can talk about it. Oh, okay. Got it. Can I hear the backstory of Dandelion just for a second? Yeah. There's a bit in there where I talk about when I almost got in a fight at McDonald's.
And I say I'm a bit of a dandelion, but you wouldn't believe it from seeing how tough I am on TV and in the movies. Okay. Yeah. And so I go, I cannot. And because the guy I'm fighting has a cinder block and I'm like, I cannot get hit by a cinder block.
Not with these brittle bones, folks. It's just like I'm always getting pushed around and I'm such a fucking puss. You're like sort of, what are those things when you're a kid and you blow on them and they kind of fly away? That's a dandelion. Oh, that is a dandelion. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. That's why it's perfect, right? Okay, that is good. That's how fragile I am.
I do like that. Now, I've had bad names. Like my first one, Critics' Choice, really worked. It was kind of pre-web. So my sister would call me and say, you got Critics' Choice again every time it was on Comedy Central. I thought it was a new thing. Perennial. So the second one I did a bit about what kind of religion would blow away
a Scientologist. And it was this long, bizarre religion where Scientologists go, wow, that religion is crazy. And the end of the ceremony in the church of this religion, they would say, squatting monkeys tell no lies. So I remember calling our manager, Mark Irvinson. Yeah,
What are you going to call it? What are you going to call it? Best Day in the Coffee? Get a funny title. Go ahead. Give it to me. I'm going to call it Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies. Must have been a 10-second pause. Okay. Are you joking or is that the one you're going to go with? All right. That's the real one? Okay. That's the real one. That's it? Squatting Monkeys. And then people are going to think that's funny. They'll like that. Okay.
They never know because they handle so many comedians. They don't know when everyone's being serious or not. No, they don't know. They thought it was a fake funny title. It's a funny one. Good. Okay. Good. I mean, an all to that would be lighter than air. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr. Mr.
Mr. Riddle. Well, the tagline when I just sent it out was, hey, dandelion, you don't want to blow this guy. Okay, that's pretty funny. I like a good pun. You don't want to blow these bones. Yeah, and then fucking Amazon was like this. Yeah, what do you want to say? And I go, it's funny. We're a little more for, we sell stereos over here. We don't, you know, it's Amazon. It does everything. So this is Amazon Prime. Woo.
Amazon, I love Amazon because their whole movie studio is just kind of a throwaway. If it makes a profit, fine. Same with Apple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're selling transistor radios like a million a second. Transistor. We focus on the doomsday prepper. Yeah, we got paper towels going out five million a minute. But Amazon's good because they have a built-in
crowd of about a trillion but just everyone's on amazon so it's great because they're like while you're here do you want to watch this goofballs special and i'm like all right no i think it's good i mean we love ted sarandos in the netflix it just it's such a giant ecosystem and when you see an amazon stand-up special it pops a little bit because there's not like nine million of them if ted's listening right now i'd feel bad he's gonna have to pull over and just go
I have something to say about Ted and Netflix, and it's a good thing. Okay, go ahead. Because I've been trying to figure out this whole trade wars and tariffs. Tariffs, what is it? What are we doing? So I ran into a guy who's from Brooklyn, right? And he kind of says, you got to understand, first of all, in China,
They got like cheap labor, right? China, they got cheap labor. They pay people two cents a month to assemble iPhones, okay? Two cents a month, the boss gets a nickel a month. So out here, we pay ourselves, you know, we pay our workers a living wage, you know, $5,000, $10,000, $8,000 a month. So if we made the iPhones in America, if we assembled them here instead of China, we'd pay $67,000 for an iPhone 6, right?
Oh, is that the problem? Yeah. Well, the thing is, is we don't make a lot of stuff. So we import stuff, you know? So this guy talking to me, I go, yeah. I like it. I'm learning from this guy. I understand. By the way, Trump said they're terrific. He did? He really? The tariffs are terrific. That sounds like he might've said that. It's not. It's terrific. It's terrific.
But this guy goes, you know, here's the thing. America, we don't got a lot of stuff. So we got to get from other countries. We got our bananas from South America. We got our avocados from Mexico. We get transistors. China makes us solar panels. What do we got? We got what they call services. So what we're going to do is give everybody in the world.
A free five-year subscription to Hulu. Hulu. That's what they're giving away. You give us our bananas. You give us our solar panels. We use Netflix in Europe. Free subscriptions. And I'm calling out Ted Sarandos today via this guy I talked to the other day. Remember, free subscription. That's our big thing. Netflix and Hulu. This is what we make now. We don't make tires. We don't make steel. It's true.
But I, you know, I think Ted might help you out on that one. If this, if you could connect him with that guy. Yeah, I could connect with that guy. He just said at the end of the day, he goes, you make what you make. We, what will we, we make rubber chicken capiche. I like the end of the day. That's a curve. It says, listen, the landscape has changed at the end of the day.
Here's the end of the day. You know, I think it's better to dance with the devil you know than try to go out and get a new devil. Yeah. Dance with the one who brung you. There's no shortage of devils. So if you've seen one, just cozy up to that devil. You don't want to get a dandy. Yeah, the devil you know is better than devil you don't know. Mm-hmm.
How about this one? David Spade, afraid to fight back. Yeah. David Spade, constantly angry because his dad left him. David Spade, a hot oven. David Spade, road rage extraordinaire. Now, I was going to ask you, Dana, if you saw the big finale of White Lotus. This is a really hot topic. Not anymore, but...
I did not see it, but tell us about it. Quickly, I did see the porn version. Of course, it's already out. White, blow your load down my throat-us. But also, this one is the... You can't get that X-rated, Ryan. That's like, that's two blowjob jokes. I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is the cleanest. That was a good one. That was a good one. We got a ha-ha-ha.
It's got Patrick Schwarzenegger, who's a friend of the show. Let's get Patrick on this show. You know what I did? I talked to him last week because I just text him. I just put FILTH in all caps because the show is getting really dirty at the end. And he winds up... These are spoilers, so if you haven't seen it, I don't know why you'd still be not watching it yet, but...
He and his family are one of the like nine storylines. It's a little hard to follow if you're simpleton like me, but he is part of a family where he does drugs out there. There's these two pretty girls. One has buck teeth and they, they all, he tries to do a threesome or foursome, but his brother is part of it. And it gets a little itchy because in the truth or dare, they make him kiss his brother. And it even gets a little more than that. But yeah,
So that's pure filth. Yeah. I know you're like, Baba, why are they trying to white Lotus is a big franchise. I mean, why are they intentionally trying to destroy white Lotus? Well, it's, it's, where do you go from there? So this one has a little incest. So that's, that's my theory, but it's still, it is a good show. You're right. I don't know if they need to go to that. It's a great show. Everyone wants to push it. The girl we just mentioned, there's a cute girl, Amy Lou.
Yeah, everyone loves her. And she has what's known on the streets as buck teeth. But I think everyone thinks they're super cute. And even dentists have chimed in going, we should wrangle those in. But she refuses to do it because it works for her. So, you know...
She has a cute kind of a cute bear or puppy dog face and sort of full cheeks and thick hair. So they don't beaver. They're not. If she lost a lot of weight, it'd be like, what are those teeth attached to a human teeth? Most of her weight is in her teeth. Now the guy on the left needs to button one more button. Nope. He needs to button one more down.
Wow. Really? You want to see a navel? No, that's, that's Walt, Walt Goggins, but he looks cool. He's older than her. What is she Heather? How old do you think she is? 24, 25, something like that. Yeah. 30. He is supposed to be the older guy, right? That cause Parker Posey, you know, Parker, she's like popper now.
Right? She's 31. Parker Posey. Oh, okay. Parker Posey is great. She's in it. And of course, we should drag her on here just because I knew her in the old days. We did Conads together. Meet, meet. And Belle Bard. Oh, yeah. Okay. And she was hilarious. We've got Patrick Schwarzenegger. We've got Parker Posey. We've got your new special called Hot White, Hot Dandelion. Yeah. And we've got this girl who at the end-
Leslie Bibb is in it. Yeah, I mean, there's a ton of people in White Lotus, but this girl with that guy, that guy has got an anger issue from growing up about his dad. And in the finale, turn your headphones down. Do you not know? Do you not know? I can't even tell Heather. I haven't watched one episode, but now it's ruined for me. You're going to close your ears? Are you going to watch it? Okay, I can't tell then. But I will say, oh, she...
Unfortunately, someone shoots at him and Bucky bites a bullet. I'll just say that. Sadly.
She gets a strap. You don't know. You don't take out a cute young woman. I know that everyone got mad. Everyone likes her. That didn't happen. Now tell us what really happened. Cause Patrick Schwarzenegger has a crush on her in the show and his brother. Right. And he has a real thing for his brother. I can't keep track, dude. I can't even tell you what happens. You're not ready, but it's not that bad, but it's bad. You know, what's huge right now, globally,
Gun smoke. The Western gun smoke. No, is it? It's huge. Billions of minutes. I mean, I'm watching Westerns. I'm watching housing shows. I'm not watching this filth on. This is pure trash. I don't like white lotus. Hang on. Heather's yelling. What is it? No, they're really fucked up. But I will say.
She's saying when the guy gave Patrick a handjob, his brother, he was on drugs. It didn't? He said it did. The guy says, the girls tell him. Why did they? No, but the girl said he did it. And he goes, no, no, no. And then the guy said, I just did it because I knew it makes you happy. What? Dana just turned off the podcast. Dana. No, I'm just checking it off.
All right. Nope. Okay. All right. And then, and then Emmy Lou Wood almost gave him a BJ because she thought it was a log of wood. She wouldn't chew on it because she's a beaver. What? Because she's got her teeth. Listen, Dennis has said she looks, everyone thinks she's hot, so we can make fun of her.
Most teeth, you know, Dana, are vertical like this. So hers are more horizontal, but she didn't fix them. And everyone's saying good, because finally one person looks like a real person you'd see at the mall because her teeth are like that, but everyone's still in love with her. Well, here's the thing. Let me break this down. Yeah. Break it down for me. What's going on? It looks cute. Now, later on your jaw alignment, you're going to get TMJ and lots of pain in your neck and they're cute, but it's not the way it was meant to be.
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Performance not guaranteed. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. We interviewed Jack Black this week after the big movie, Minecraft. So that'll be on Flying the Wall in a
week or two. It'll be on a little bit, a little bit. Yeah. But it was- And he hosted SNL and he did a great job. We talked about that. We got to talk to our friend Jack at, you know, you don't know, show business is like the stock market right now. I mean, you have, there's, you know, winter and summer, but anyway, he did an incredible job on SNL. It was like one of the best episodes in a long, long time. A lot of energy, a lot of fun. And he kicked it in every single sketch.
And then his movie comes out to like 150 or 300 million globally. And then he comes on our podcast. So that's a fun one. Talk to that guy. He's great. Well, he'll be on soon. Right now we have Felipe. I think we had Andrew Schultz last week. We're just doing great.
for our sister show, Plugs for Fly on the Wall. Right. I still today run into people. What? We have two. They don't know. We have two podcasts, Fly on the Who, Super What? I mean, maybe it wasn't the best names we ever came up with. They're good. Why? Because they're too similar? It's supposed to be sort of. They're both on Fly. It was Super on the Wall, Fly on the Who, Dandelion Plus. I know. Nobody knows. Dandelion Plus.
Dandelion? Daffodil? What is that? By the way, it's not even on Amazon until May. I don't even know why I'm supposed to plug it yet, but I don't. And upcoming is Dan Soder. Soder, oh yeah. One of the most talented people we've had on the podcast, actually. He's another one bubbling under. Super funny and talented. And he's in that world, that world of Shane Gillis and just that ecosystem of comedians in their early 40s who are playing stadiums.
He's playing theaters. Yeah.
He's playing chess. You're playing checkers. Okay. What else happened to you, Dana, before we get to the stories? Because nothing happened to me. Nothing fun. Let's see. Last night, we were going to get at Billiards, we were going to get sort of this lean chicken with rice and stuff, but it was closed. So we got small pizzas from this other restaurant. So pizza is kind of a treat for me. So I had margarita pizza.
I didn't see that on the news. Okay. What do you want? I mean, I'm just, let me check the market. I won't tell you what I'm seeing right now, but just go by my face. Here's my neutral face. Okay, ready? Go ahead. I've got this. Now look at the market. Ready?
is it i don't want to talk to uh inside baseball for the market but is it this way or is it that way well you know give it a minute first it went whoop
Yep. Then we're doing it. We're taking a pause. We're going to take a pause for 90 days. Then it went up like the fastest it's ever gone up in like 40 years. Yeah, I've never seen it go that much up. 3,000 in one day. Not since 1936. Have we ever seen a surge? So then this morning you're like looking at stuff. Hey, we're rocking it. Yeah, I didn't panic. And now it's going. Now this airs in two hours. So maybe it'll go.
They call me Santa Paws. It's not bad. I like that. I don't know what it means. Because he paused the tarot. Oh, Santa Paws. Okay, I got it. He's Santa Paws. They're terrific. I'm trying to help your Trump stuff. No, I know. You got a lot of good ones today. I like a good pun. Oh, it's great. And I have nothing great. I just...
I'm going to go visit my mama soon and she had a knee operation. So we got to get her on her feet. I got to get her up doing laps. I got to get her to the combine. Let's get her on the show. Oh, maybe she can do a live remote of how she's doing. Well, that would be kind of fun. It would be cute. She's very sweet. I know. She has a lipstick.
Get her, just, you're a nice son. I'm just going to say it. She loves Dana. My God. She does? Yeah. We took a photo for her magazine, Tempe magazine.
When I was kind of newer on SNL and I had to ask Dana, Heather. I know. Yeah, you were not David Spade yet. And this guy came up to me. I wasn't even sure who you were. But anyway, you said. You go, this intern asked me, can we get a picture? Literally asked him, go, can we get just a quick picture for the cover of my mom's magazine? You're like, okay. And me, you, Farley maybe? Oh, I got to get this picture. Victoria Jackson.
No, it was just us four, I think. Oh, four. Okay. Whoever I could wrangle. And we took a picture and she put it on. We didn't have a ring light. We didn't have ring lights back then. And I'll try to get it so we can pop it up here when it airs. I got a magazine cover this weekend. I was doing a gig up in- Oh, that's right. You did interviews too. Well, just you're at a meet and greet and someone came up and just said-
She had a big camera. You're on the cover of Monterey Weekly. Oh. I get, okay. By the way, I did once in a while, your mom and I text, just don't be alarmed. We check in. How's Davey? How's my sweet Davey? Davey. When you're coming to visit her and she knows you're coming down the block, she says every time she puts on George Harrison's Here Comes the Sun and she sings along with it. Oh, that's nice. Here comes one of my sons. Here comes the sun. Doot, doot, doot, doot.
You know, it's funny. I'm playing a celebrity theater in Arizona where I'm from. I'm playing Tucson in Phoenix. I've never played Tucson. Don't play your hometown, fool. That's what I'm saying. Last time I went, the green room had more people than the audience. It was like my mom's going, I just have plus 300. Is that a problem?
Oh, but Sheila wants to go. And it's this thing. My dad used to say this thing and their relatives were coming over. Oh, the Holmans are coming over. This was when I'm in my 20s. And I'd say the Holmans. And he would say, oh, Jesus Christ, you know, the Holmans.
I know it's always happened. This has happened throughout. So you'll be there. Your mom will be. These are the Persnickety's family. Yeah. Who? You know them. You don't know the Persnickety's. Oh, don't be like this. Don't be ridiculous. This is Bill Wilson. Sorry they're not in SAG. You took wood shop from him in fourth grade. He doesn't have a thumb. You remember. I do have a guy now, one of my buddies, and Heather will laugh at this. And he's going to hear this.
He does the classic, hey, how do I get tickets to Spade's show? She goes, you mean online? He goes, yeah. I mean, I could go online and just buy them because I definitely, I want to buy them. But can I give you my credit card and then you can buy them? I don't understand. So Heather will press the buttons? So just it would be like, I think the answer is supposed to be, we'll just leave you two.
But it's this whole rigmarole of like, okay, here's the three-digit security code. But if this one doesn't work, call me and I've got an Amex. And then just go, let's go back and forth until we figure out. And I want them close. I want to sit close. Right. And I don't want to ask, but I've got 67 guests with me. Could we come backstage before the show just for like 20 minutes? And then 10 minutes after.
Just to tell you it was funny. It's all right. God bless them all. No, it's fine. I give everyone tickets. I don't give a shit. Okay. Let's get to the hot stories, Dana. We got some hot takes. Yeah. Let's see. What are our takes? I can't see. Oh, there it is. Okay.
Okay. Oh, okay. This is more your world. This is a basketball. Mm-hmm. John Morant, great basketball player. Brilliant basketball player. Has a habit when he does something good on the court, he was starting to make his fingers go like a gun. And he had been busted a couple times last year with possession of guns or taking pictures with guns. Like Snapchat with guns. Yeah.
It's taking pictures. The NBA wants its image to be a certain way. So he got in trouble. He got suspended, I believe. And now he's back. He was doing this again. And I guess they said, okay, they don't want to do that. So I guess now he's pretending to throw a grenade. Well, I think what he did is he did the finger guns after he made something. And then I think, oh, here's one. Okay, let's see the grenade. See what it looks like. Oh, this is the grenade one. He takes it a step further. Three-pointer. Boom. Boom.
And he throws it and then he does goggle eyes. That wasn't that bad. Throw the grenade and then goggle eyes. What's the goggle eyes? Do it. Goggle eyes is just supervision. Curry will do it sometimes. What does that mean? I have night vision. I got supervision. I'm 40 feet away. Oh, God, they love themselves. Not goggle eyes. What is it?
his ears. Oh, I couldn't see. He was covering his ears for, oh, okay. Oh, for the boom. From behind, it looked like he was doing the goggle eyes. Oh, it could be the boom of the grenade blowing everyone up in the audience. Well, the problem is... Let me say that again. I want to see if it's actually covering his ears. Well, it's microscopic. I don't believe it. Dog shit thing here. It's so tiny. He's a quarter inch high in this. Okay. Okay.
Okay. You can't tell, but he is covering your ears. So for Heather and for everyone who doesn't know,
caught with a gun on like a snapchat like a real gun and they go hey whoa whoa not cool you got a lot of fans look up to you does it again in trouble maybe 25 games i don't know something pretty stiff right then this year makes a shot guns everyone down or he does a rifle and they're like hey tnt come on remember we had this last year i think they gave one warning
Right. A game or two later, guns again. They go, we have to do something because now we look stupid. It's not that bad, but listen, come on, guys. So maybe they suspend him. Then he comes back and does a fucking... Or they fine him, maybe. Like he's throwing a grenade. So here's the question. Did the grenade get... Do they want him to stop doing the grenade? Now we have a thing that...
Yeah, Yaha Morant celebration package. Guns, machine guns, rifles, knives. Depending on what he does. Yeah. If he gets a dunk, he does an AK-47. Yeah. I mean, it's probably not a great idea. Did the grenade get him in trouble? That's my question. That is the question. And I'm sure there's an answer out there. Maybe not yet. But now he just looks like he's shoving it in their face. And so now Adam Silver has to go, what do we do here? What would you do, Dana?
I think it's a little bit like... It reminds me of Elmer Fudd or something, or the Roadrunner cartoon. I think it's a little more cartoony. Hey! So this one is a little more assaulting, no pun intended. So I think the funny... Maybe the grenade's okay. I know that our producer... They didn't say don't do a grenade. They didn't say don't do a grenade. That's why it's funny, because he's like, I'm thinking of new things to do that...
kill people. Well, here's, I don't know if I can do it. This would be me if I score a basket. Arrow. Yeah. Boom. Yeah. Pshh.
Yeah. Because I've been watching Lord of the Rings again because it's such a brilliant film. Yeah, those are cool. Nothing cooler than that. They do it way faster than you can do it in real life. There's no way. Even Hunger Games, I was like, no way Jennifer Lawrence is doing it. Right. The arrows never run out. Yeah. Quill. That's Katy Perry's husband. I can't believe I don't remember his name. Orlando Bloom. Scorlando, yeah. Scorlando Bloom, which was incredible. Good looking dude. Yeah, good looking guy.
What was he incredible in? Lord of the Rings. Yeah, he was. Yeah. Lord of the Rings. I think that's- I was trying not to step on that. He's a good dude. Okay. So that, that, that. Okay. And then the, yeah, we'll go to the next one. I don't know what happened to- We'll find out. Yeah. We'll get back to you. Okay. What's the human body? Oh, this is what's in a cup of coffee at, I don't know. Let's say your average coffee, iced coffee at a restaurant. What do they put in? Here we go. Here we go.
Oh, that's sugar. That's too much sugar. Sugar again? More sugar. Look at that sugar, dude. I haven't had that much sugar in my life. Caramel, like you put it on a hot fudge sundae? Look at squirt. Sugar, caramel. Are they faking how much they're putting in there? That has so much sugar in it, too. Caramel, caramel. Yeah, no, that's massive. That was poison. Is this Dunkin' Donuts? You're joking. This is what people are ordering? It's like eight ounces of sugar and caramel, then ice. Five cubes of ice, yeah. Almond milk.
Okay. Splash, a splash of almond milk. Uh-huh. Where? AMSR, there's, there's. More ice and now more syrup on top. That looks like chocolate. A little bit of coffee. I think that's. Is that coffee? It's, yeah, it's 50% sugar and caramel. Oh my God. Just go, go to Dairy Queen and get a freaking milkshake. I mean, that's exactly. And people think I just have my coffee. Yeah.
That has to be 40 grams of sugar in that thing. Right. That's the problem. You know, what happens is little, okay, wisdom or knowledge alert, right?
When you wake up in the morning, your blood sugar is essentially flat because you haven't eaten anything for eight or nine hours. Now, if you light it up with one of those milkshake coffees, you're going to spike way up, then go way down. Then you're going to have to eat some more sugar. And that's how you're going to be on this roller coaster all day long. So do a tiny piece of sourdough toast with almond butter on it. Protein. Thank you.
You've changed, Andy Lyon. Heather, you might want to tilt this up. I'm going to go up. Spade's going up on the knees. Here we go. Watch this. And then we'll do the next one. Okay. These golf shirts are always too long, but we're not going to fix that. It's a problem that I have with shirts as well. They get a little too long, and I don't know how long it's supposed to be. Past your ween? I don't know. No, there's a sweet spot where it's just long enough so it doesn't ride up, but it's not so long that you look like you're wearing your older brother's shirt.
My wiener is my sweet spot. All right, here we go. This is what's going on. What is this story? Exactly. Do those $70 go?
Oh, the $70 for a ticket. For a band. Here's an example of a deal memo. What do we have here? There's a gross potential of a couple hundred thousand dollars being made. Half.
is deducted for venue-related show costs, leaving the band with a $100,000 payday.
but still pretty good that goes to the band's own expenses commissions and fees and payroll their management takes a quarter what about crew costs take another quarter meanwhile that 56 ticket has had fees added though artists don't get that money so once you take away the venue show costs touring expenses something corporate's actual profit from that 70 ticket
is about 10 bucks. And then we split that five ways. Yeah. McMahon isn't complaining that's still seven grand each for a night's work. We love you, Los Angeles!
But the point here is each dollar fans pay is fought over by artists, venues, ticket companies and scalpers. And time and again, the industry's solution to these fights has been to just charge fans a bit more. Yeah, just keep jacking it up.
What band is it? That's us. That's us on the road. That's everybody. That's the Rolling Stones. Well, it's a little different if you did the metrics and the one person who just needs a microphone and walks out. I mean, we don't really have like a wrecking crew, you know what I mean? Yeah. Roadies. Unless you get bigger. I think, you know, a lot of tour buses out there, comics are getting bigger. Sandler brought two
Well, Sandler. Two semis for, but he's, you know, if you've got a band and you got, you want to put a stage up there. Totally different. You got a band. It's a bigger show. Yeah. You know, um. If you're Shane, you just need a old t-shirt. It's actually great. You know, for guys, we just get up there and set list, water, microphone with you, maybe a guitar, but you could do without it. It's like, that's barely anything. And they usually have a guitar in the city. Yeah. So someone just brings one. And yeah. And, uh,
Do you do a sound check? But I don't know if they're talking about taxes because those guys got their seven grand, but then they got a- Seven grand, but then they- Get hit. Yeah, at least 50% probably on that. So they're 3,500. Basically, they just go to Arby's afterwards and get a free meal. It's a push. They just play to 20,000 people. It's because California's raised their sales tax 925 to 975. And then in
the outskirts to 11.25%. That's the sale. I mean, that's every day people getting ramrodded. Income tax at a certain point kicks into, I think, 14.4%. I think it's one of the highest...
well state and then you got a sales tax so right california they really have to get it together because it's just going to be too hard living forget about me i'm just like normal people that bust their ass every day it's like what do you it just does feel weird i mean i was doing a show years ago and i remember it was like a 300 seat theater and i found out everyone was paying a hundred dollars and i thought
you know it's just and if you're a band and someone's paying 600 and they're not even in the front row yeah you better play your ass off you just play your fucking shit do the hits i got a parking ticket 93 bucks just for parking on it's so crazy i got a that was that ticket i ran a red light what was that where i crashed all those people and drove away what was how much was it
No, I got, I did something wrong, like ran a red light and it was, they go, you can just pay the 650 right now. I'm like, 650? $650? Yeah. I said, key right on there in the memo of the check. Get fucked.
Do you ever, let me just ask, I don't even think the audience should hear this. Do you ever, you know, it's sort of a thing. My friends used to like put me up front. We're trying to get into a concert. Once I got on TV a little bit and they call, put face ticket up front. They call me face ticket, face ticket up front. And I wasn't ever that famous. But one time I got pulled over for speeding or something. And I was lucky. The cop just came up, looked at me and said, get out.
out of here because he recognized me. No, I like it. Get out of here. I know you. And I go, I was a danger to society. You should give me a ticket. Yeah, they let you in, right? Yeah. I've tried that weasel. I've tried the wheeze move where I, when I was like going to concerts more like 10 years ago, I think it was a cockiness, something, it was a drunkiness combined with what can I get away with? And I'd go try to go backstage and I did it at heart.
And I did it at the pretenders and they take you all the guys like, Oh, this guy's here. They just don't even ask. Hey, they just take you right in their dressing room. They're like, hello. And I'm like, Oh, I think the Tommy boy t-shirt used to wear was very helpful. And my bench warmers hat, bench warmers hat, Tommy. And then an Adam Sandler tattoo on your shoulder. My SNL shorts. Adam on FaceTime in case it doesn't work. Um,
Yeah, it sometimes backfires. I wanted to see the Go-Go's last night. I saw the Go-Go's. I drove by the Roxy on Sunset and the Go-Go's were there last night. I should have gone, gone. And you're telling me you didn't go to the Go-Go's. I went with Theo last night. Their whole name instructs you what to do. No, actually, I went with Theo to Def Lepp. We got dialed in. Oh, did you say hello to our friend? No, it was before that, but I think I said I saw him there because...
We just, my buddy said, hey, you want to go see Def Leppard? My friend Ross at Sirius. And he said, they're at the Roxy. I'm like, a mile from my house and just sit wherever you want. Yeah. So he dialed me in and Def Leppard just came out, blasted some hits. There's probably what, 200 people in there, 300? And then Go-Go's I did the same thing with, but I saw him last night on the marquee and I...
I'm not going to go in there alone, but I would try to worm in. I like the go-go sound, you know? I like it. There's something just sort of cool about that. Upbeat, nostalgic, fun. Belinda's, I had a question. Belinda is a great front woman. Yeah. Okay, next story. Here we go. Next story, let's go. Killing it. Today, we really are some amazing people.
Go ahead, read that. Loom, L-O-M, founder feels lost in life after selling his startup for $975 million. So after selling his company, the Loom founder...
I'm rich and I have no idea what to do with my life. Life has been a haze this last year. After selling my company, I find myself totally unrelatable position of never having to work again. Everything feels like a side quest, but not in an inspiring way. I don't have the same base desires driving me to make money or gain status. I have infinite freedom, yet I don't know what to do with it. And honestly, I'm not the most optimistic about life. Wow.
What a dumb dumb. Don't wish too hard for everything because it might come true. So he made the ultimate goal in life, which is to start a company and sell it. And after tax, he still has probably a half billion. Yeah. Put that in a 5% account. So he's making like 20 million a year. Buy a couple of fat burger franchises. I mean, it's funny because just out of habit, the guy's totally set, but he's probably going to go invest just for something to do.
Well, but most people who are driven, they don't, it's not about the money they get. They just want, they like the game or being involved. What about if Warren Buffett had just made 500 million and just said, well, I'm going to quit. I don't know. There's nothing I got to do anything. I've had it. I just go to Whataburger. And I'll tell you what, I should be taxed more. He always says that.
I wish the government would tax me more. Well, you know, you can voluntarily give money. Yeah, go ahead. Well, that doesn't sound like so much fun. Give it to me. I'll give it to him. That doesn't sound like so much fun. I'd rather be...
at gunpoint i'll pay tax and i'd like to have a gun put my head and i will pay this was a bad idea i had a dairy queen last night he always eats it like the simplest places well he's got he's got coca-cola sees candies and dairy queen he's a he's worth 100 200 billion and he doesn't have diabetes the guy's a freak and he and he lives in like omaha or something right yeah
Maybe you'll come to my Omaha show. I'll leave two at the door. Here's what I got for the 975 million guy. Go on OnlyFans and make a lot of young women real happy. And within three to six weeks, you'll be broke and then you'll have problems and you'll be happy.
Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now. It pays to discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card. Based on the February 2024 Nielsen Report.
Oh, this is so interesting. Now, this one might be fake, but you've heard of these things that are very real, Heather. Have you heard of these? They're called a monolith, and they show up places. They just show up. Right, and that's kind of an homage to 2001 Space Odyssey, a monolith. Someone brings these overnight, and they don't know if it's spacecraft or if it's fake, but it seems very fake. But how big are these?
Well, it looks like it's 20, 30 feet tall. The monolith in 2001 for the human being that doesn't know, is it just, it's, they discovered on the moon and they don't know how it got there. And it's just this, it's clearly not made a moon material. Right. It's someone made it man-made or alien made. So this looks alien made. So once again,
It could be. Dr. Stephen Greer. If we could just get him on a- Oh, yeah. We should have asked him about that. But I would love that it was aliens. Because they say there's these- I mean, it was a few years ago, but there's about five of those popped up and no one knew how they got there. No one- Well, here's how we'll do experiment. Because in those days, the chimpanzees would go up and touch it. And then the next day, they picked up a bone and knew it could be a- beat the hell out of another chimp.
So we take rednecks from rural Mississippi and put them next to that monolith and then come back and give them a calculus test. I don't know. Okay, that sounds like a good plan. I'm going to touch the monolith and then you give me that calculus test tomorrow. By the way, I wouldn't touch it because what if it was like radioactive or something? You never know with monoliths. I'd let Mikey try it. Hey, Mikey. Let Mikey touch the monolith. Okay, next one. Sure. Sure.
You're out there Yellowstone-ing it. Hey, I'm Kevin Costner in Yellowstone. Cut!
All right. What do you think we should do next? Are we rolling? Listen, listen. We're not. I love that show. It was so, it's so off of mail. It was just, you know, you want to make something of this. I just love, you know, they're across the fence. You want a piece of me right now? You can have it. And then the other guy talks exactly the same. I'm not sure I'd like a piece of you, but would you like a piece of me? I would.
I would like a six piece meal of you. Would you like a piece of me? Well, I'm asking you at the same time. Would you like a piece of me? Huh?
Then they both pull out guns and everyone goes, hey, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, guys, guys, don't take it too far. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Hey, this is our land. You can't put barbed wire up on our land. Well, how about I wrap this barbed wire around your fucking neck? That gonna make you happy? You want to take this to the parking lot of a Raiders game? Let's fight.
You want to tailgate next Sunday with Raiders versus Chargers and wrap barbed wire around my ding-a-ling-a-wong-wong? Well, I don't think so, Parker. And film it for White Lotus?
I think we, you and I need to get more alpha in our lives. Yeah. You know, we got to just walk up to people, you know, if we're out for dinner, Hey, what are you looking at? Huh? Well, I wasn't looking at anything. I beg to differ. What were you looking at? You call me nothing? You call me a loser? That's a real one. Really? You got that? You call me a loser? I got a, what are you looking at? I go, nothing. They go, you're saying I'm nothing? I'm like, tsk.
Let's just beat me up. Let's skip this part. Wait a minute. I have to laugh. It's so fucking funny. Are you saying I'm nothing? Yeah. It's really a trap. Well, there's nothing. I've always told you there's nothing more dangerous on planet Earth than an insecure man after midnight with alcohol in his belly. Yeah. Hey, what are you looking at? Nothing. You're saying I'm nothing? Yeah, I go. No, I'm saying you're something. Yeah.
You're saying I'm nothing, now I'm something? I'm like...
No, I'm serious now. What were you looking at? You? Your wiener? Wait a second. Are you saying I'm a wiener? Yeah, you got to give it right back to him and scare him. What? What are you looking at? I was looking at the dessert menu. You were just in the way. What were you going to order? Mud pie. Are you saying I'm a mud pie? No. No. Yeah, that's what they say. That's how thin it is.
You think I'm a mud pie? Well, no, but if you just want to fight, let's just say that. I was going to get lemon meringue pie, but you were in the background. You saying I'm lemon meringue? Well, yeah, kind of, but not the pie part. We have to save this energy for ads for an hour and a half after this. Well, I think it's funny. The only thing I go back to, that should be a t-shirt. What are you looking at? Nothing. Are you saying I'm nothing? Nothing.
It's such a good answer to start a fight. You're like, oh God, I really stepped in that one. I was on a beach once and I thought there was dudes over there. I thought one of someone I knew in high school and the guy did go, what are you looking at? And you said, I thought I knew you. No, I was laying down on a towel and I looked at him. What are you looking at? And the guy was way bigger than me. So then I just looked away and pretended to sunscreen more. I didn't want to get into an argument. Like, well,
Don't say nothing. Because if I said, you remind me of someone I knew in high school, that might not have gone over. Just your curves. Yeah. You take sunscreen and that's it. You go, brr. And the guy goes, oh.
Well, I was walking down the street and I had the earplugs and I was listening to my iPhone music. And a guy stopped me and go, what are you listening to? And he said, nothing. He said, are you saying I'm nothing? Well, why doesn't it make sense? You're not even in my ear. You're saying what you're listening to is nothing? No, it was the Rolling Stones. You're saying I'm like some kind of stone that rolls? No, it's a band.
a band from the 60s. Oh. Then I said, I know a guy whose nickname is Dandelion. I wouldn't mess with me. Yeah, don't mess with Dandelion at the McDonald's. Dandelion will fuck you up. That's where I got in the fight. Yeah. Okay, let's do one more. One more. I guess. We'll say one more. I got punchy enough at that point where you said I'm nothing. I'll never get over it. I won't get over that much. What are we even watching? A Rock and a Cave.
Oh, is it a bee? Wait, hang on. The bees sense fear. This is a guy bringing bees down. And because he's not afraid, they won't sting him out of a bee. Is that honey? Yeah, honey that's like as big as a... Oh, my God. He's eating them? No. Well, don't do that to him. Oh, my God.
By the way, if they start seeing you now, there's no going back. You might as well finish the bit. No, they're saying if you're not fearful, they won't sting you. And they can sense fear. I don't know if they like being bullied like this, though. Why are they going in his shirt? He's down his shirt. He's eating them. He's bathing in them. Bees are like, we'll go along with this, but don't stuff us in your pockets. I'm just... Is this real? Well, I don't think it's smart because...
When I get stung by a bee, I usually don't know it. I just see it lands on me and stings me, and I haven't even had a chance to be scared. Right, so that defeats the premise of this episode. He's got a couple for the road with him. Those are big. Maybe he's built up to some kind of immunity that even they're stinging him like crazy, but he just doesn't. Maybe they're filming jackass.
Yeah, I mean, sometimes out in the garden here, I'll just get turtles or snails, and I'll just kind of put them all over me. In your pockets? And they don't bite. No. You don't have to yawn on my story. No, I'm going. Are you saying my story's nothing? Yeah, exactly. About snails? You're saying my turtle story's bullshit? I'm saying your special's not called Dandelion. I say that, that's a...
That's not going to work. Dandelion. Yes. I love it. Are you going to go to Coachella or are you going to wait out for the Fri-Fest too? Oh. Coachella's this weekend and next weekend and Fyre Fest, they're saying it might be another scram. Fyre Fest is actually coming out and that's the one that was completely made up and the guy's doing all this. Hey, I'm going to go to the
They're going to put it in Mexico. And then when people try to log on or someone asks Mexico and they're like, we know nothing about this. We have no permits. And everyone goes, hmm. And they've already moved it again. And this guy in the news yesterday was trying to get tickets online. And he's like, one is a million dollar ticket. And you get really everything, all the cheese sandwiches you want. And there's no lineup. You cannot do this twice. You cannot. The same guy's doing it. Same guy. And you can't fool me twice. Shame on me.
Fool me twice to gun you down. That's what it should be. Yeah, I just made a deal with Bernie Madoff Jr. Yeah. This guy, I hope it's real. I'm not saying it's fake yet. I'm just saying it's starting to have an aroma and he better fix it. You can't say it's like punta minta. I just got an alert. Okay. What's that guy's name? Billy. Billy.
Billy says, can you and David come down to Firefest in Mexico? It's in a few weeks. I'd love to have you guys. You can be every act. I hear you play the guitar and David can dance. Would you mind also performing as a form of the Everly Brothers? And can you guys do eight and a half hours?
I texted David's mom and she said, I'll get the sun in doodoo. I'm just getting punchy now. We're getting punchy. It's all right. Stay tuned for ads. Now, we'll, okay, we'll end up there. We did a great job today. We'll see what happens. We'll see what happens. We'll give you more on that story next week. And remember, stay tuned.
Stay safe out there and try to ride the wave and make sure you have fun every day. Something like that. Thanks for watching and we'll see you next time. See you next time, folks. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.