SUPERFLY - Pilot Episode
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's... Because they're naked? Well, it's like the 1800th time you say, on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there, I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it? This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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Was that intentional? Like a Michael Jackson thing? Dana, it's called the future.

And I was the Kanye of that premiere. And I have work boots, which were cool. I had those. My coat doesn't fit.

Do you have a starter joke? Three, two, one. No, I will start this off by showing you a video. Little energy. You're going to show a video? I'm going to try because we're on video, so I want to show it. I have my first SNL audition, and I don't think you saw it. And I said, let's start this with something to talk about. So I tried to watch it in Lorne's office. And then he goes, there's better things to talk about. He clicked it off. So I never saw it. This is it. Ready? Ready?

Okay. Because I want to show that I can sing and I'm not one dimensional. You look great. I added that fake plan at the end. That was good.

I didn't know you could do that. The surprise is I'm going to be in my arsenal next week. Your actual audition, what was your first joke? My first, oh, when I did Essence, I think my old joke when I used to do my act, which I think is still in it. It's, I bought a new car. Well, it's not really new. It's an old UPS truck. I got it so I can park wherever I want.

That's not bad. I think I remember that when you were my Oprah, by the way, a dandy little opener when we toured the Northeast. In a rental car. I remember that line. Yeah, that was one of my big ones. I looked young back then, not this haggard fucking Nick Nolte after the dryer cycle.

that you see before you. I talked to Betty Davis's granddaughter. Lighting is everything. We're going to talk later. You're going to have to, you look great. What are you doing? I just want to preen and print. Come on. Every time I walk by a, me or my dad used to go, see anybody you like? Oh, we also have professional laughers on the set. We should introduce this.

Oh, yeah. We brought them in. They're the Professional Laughers Union. The president, Heather Santoro. And Chris Rios, who's also a beauty consultant to the stars and others. And so they are going to be laughing when we point.

Okay, so I'm going to start off. You can't see them, but they've been laughing their ass off the whole time. The audience can't see them. I think we talk, because we talk all the hot topics. Let's talk about this Johnny Depp trial. Let's do it for hot topics. Johnny Depp. No, I'm just kidding. We're going backwards. No, I'm going to tell you quickly. What do you got? Because this podcast would do better if it was a Taylor Swift chat room. So I think we're going to open with Super Bowl stuff.

Because a couple of things I have to say about it before we get to Taylor. Because she is the whole Super Bowl. Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift. One thing I think that no one's talking about enough is that why is the Super Bowl still having Roman numerals after it? You think kids are dumb when you have regular numbers in front of them? What kid isn't going V, X, X? They don't know what that is.

No, that's a really good point. It always has driven me nuts. I think like outrage over things that don't really matter is great. He's like, what the fuck is with the numeral fucking numbers in the Super Bowl? Just to get really angry. It's a controversial stance, but that's what we're here for. Taylor Swift. I'm feeding the algorithm right now. I don't think the algorithm picks up audio though. How about this one? New nickname for the super couple, Tay-Tay and Kel-Kel. Uh-oh. We're pulling them up.

Also, I don't like any Instagram puberty. I don't like sounds like pubes. And I also don't like everything is all caps with them. This is the fucking Kanye Instagram because it's like Taylor Swift. I read it with all that excitement and I'm like, I don't.

I do care. Well, you know, you can be doing pretty well in America. You could make a pretty good amount of money, and then no matter what, you're just shrunken down. She made $2 billion. That just said she generates $331 million for Kansas City if she just goes to the city. Was that what it meant? How many times can she go to the subway there or whatever they have, the fucking Jimmy Johns? I mean, come on, Tay-Tay. $33 million? Yeah.

How many times can she code? No, 333 million of generated. Cause people just hear she's in Kansas city and get in their car and start flooring. And they just send, they Venmo Kansas city, just money. They're like, Taylor Swift. Put 10 people in a crazy eight hotel. Each room has 10 people. They're drinking and partying. I have another big, uh, controversial stance. Let's say for,

First of all, did you know at the Super Bowl at halftime, Taylor Swift is going to decide the election? She walks out and picks a candidate and then they just win because why bother voting? She pointed and they went. So that's good. Yeah. And then and then her boyfriend picks her up and goes hip hip hooray because six five to fifty five eleven one twenty five. Do the math. What is their kid going to look like, David? Well,

Cause they're going to have a kid six, five to 50. That's dad. Dad. What if she does like a Beyonce? And when they win the super bowl, they pan over to her and everyone gives her a little room. And then she rubs her stomach. Like I'm pregnant. Everyone goes, Holy fucking shit. And then they jizz all over the screen.

All of America. Well, your screen looks like it has some mosc on it. So I don't know if that was literal or figurative. There's a vague sheen over his camera, ladies and gentlemen. It's twice a day. I got to come out there for the porn. I was going to tackle the other big story of the week.

Brad Pitt facelift. And I do this news. I'm going to do it as a Beatle because it's called Beatle News. You got to have a name for your thing. Hello, everybody. This is Beatle News, and we're talking about things here. We're talking about some people think that Brad Pitt got a sucker upper. Got a sucker upper. You know, you take the turkey neck, you know, and you clinch it up and you cinch it off.

You trim the little extras, you wrap it around the ears, you know, and you go walking about. I'm Brad Pitt. As a Ford owner, there are lots of choices of where you get your vehicle serviced. You can choose to go to their place, the local dealership, your place, home, apartment, condo, your workplace, even your happy place, like your cottage on the lake. Go to your Ford dealer and choose Ford pickup and delivery to have your vehicle picked up, serviced, and brought right back.

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We're going to look back at this and not laugh, but go. Remember when they only gave us one and then they canceled it? Remember when we shot the pilot and it was unusable? Oh, here's another thing, Dana. When the kids hate billionaires, this is heavy. You can step out of this one if you want. When kids are so mad at billionaires and then you go, oh, Taylor Swift is a billionaire now. Do you have to automatically hate her? Go.

Well, you can adjust. Like, as you know, Bernie Sanders used to go, the problem with America is the millionaires and the billionaires. And then he found out, and this is true, Al Franken told me this, he found out he was a millionaire. So the next stump speech, it's the billionaires, you idiots. The fucking billionaires. What about the

the millionaires. They're great. They're good guys. I bled into a little bit of Fauci. Oh yeah, that was a little scratchy Fauci. They're about the same. They're both 90. No. I do him as a crosswalk guard. That's how I get into the voice. Bernie Sanders is a crosswalk guard. It's don't proceed. Don't proceed. The system's rigged. Don't proceed.

Don't pussy. It's the don't that gets me into that. I like it. It's like me pole. It's like me pole was a bit off for a bit. I'm coming back. Sorry. I can do voices now and no one can stop me. We don't have some pesky guest. We have the easy laugh crowd back there, which you're really nailing it. So who are you taking in the Super Bowl? Can I just ask? Who are you taking? You know, I do...

I think that it's not a three minute. Here's, here's one. It's, it's one team or the other. Uh, I, I can't say because we have so many fans and they'll get mad, but well, you're going to take San Fran. I know this.

Well, I want to insert two comedians that have talked about football who hate sports. It's just they make me laugh. So Jay Leno talking about football, he'd come into the game and everyone's in there with their beer and watching the game and screaming. And he would always say, yeah, who's ahead? The red or the yellows? It's kind of it. He just thought it was just colors. And then Jerry Seinfeld said, the players move around so much. Eventually, you're just rooting for clothes. Yeah, laundry. Yeah.

Yeah, the Niners! They switch teams. I would say that I have another analogy, not to go into this whole Taylor Swift algo, because I do like Taylor Swift. You mean Tay-Tay? Tay-Tay and Kel-Kel. Kel-Kel. So, I sort of try to make this analogy and then it doesn't make any sense. But let's say, the reason why guys get somewhat annoyed, let's say we went to a Taylor Swift concert and talked about football whispering the whole time. And that would bother them. But Taylor Swift

Fans are probably nicer. But when you go to a guy's game of football, you forget that 90% of them are degenerate gamblers. So...

And that doesn't just mean which a common man would think or woman. Oh, there we have to be quiet because they're betting on the winner of the game. Oh no. They bet on every goddamn play. Is it going to be a sweep? Is it going to be a button hook? Is it going to be a sucker trap? And you bet every game, every play, everything. Who's going to hold the football? Who's going to kick it to how many catches they get? So you have to be so riveted to that game. You can't be, uh,

And that's why I think people get a little itchy about the Taylor talk. But other than that, I welcome it. I, you know, see how I came back around and I'm like, she's great. She is great. We met her at the SNL 40th. She was super sweet.

very pretty oh yeah how does it feel to be backpedaling i'm not really backpedaling i've always said she did she was in buh-bye she had one line and she came over she's great she's great and i don't have any problem with her there's so many things going on in the world the idea of just fucking taylor swift man drives me nuts i mean they're like what about iran and you're like who cares this taylor thing

I mean, come on, lighten up. I mean, let's unpack this. Where's this outrage coming from? I'm jumping over to the Golden Bachelor. I have one thing to say about it since it's already been over for a while.

Okay, I'll take five minutes off. No, it's only one thing. I watch the History Channel, okay? I like to be educated. No, and I didn't even see it. I only watched 11 episodes of it. You've hosted it, so relax. You've got Craig. Go ahead. I say The Golden Bachelor, and everyone was really pulling for this guy.

This is the last week I can do this joke because now it's only seven weeks late. But he's like, however old, which isn't that old in real life. And he looks better than me. And he's about, you know, 80. So he's out there and he does look good. And his big sob story is my wife passed away. Sad. I'll give him that. And then he said, I haven't dated since.

And I wanted to kind of come back into the scene and, you know, plow 30 chicks. So it was like, oh, great. This is such a cute story. So he comes back and he's going to he's going to ramrod his way through all these problems.

Poor women who – I didn't even make fun of that because everyone at that age is just trying to find a nice person. It's hard to crap on them. They're not 22 and desperate. They're just like nice people. They're not carnal in the same way they were in their 20s. Yeah, not like you. Just – anyway, so – What?

So the word got out. So the word got out. They go, oh, he's such a great guy. And then right toward the end, they go, hey, some woman came out and said, oh, after his wife died, I dated him for nine months. And they asked him. He's like, oh, yeah, that's geezer. Like, he doesn't even give a shit. He's like, oh, oh, yeah. No, but that was nothing. That was just like a hit it and quit it situation. Dine and dash. And they're like, oh, yeah.

So you're just a regular guy. Got it. You're not quite the angel. Wait a minute, David. Let me unpack this. You're saying television presented something that wasn't quite real? Are you going to go on record with that? I am because... Are you going to commit to sometimes reality shows aren't exactly... I'm easily tricked because I watch these shows and I want it to be real. I want them to find romance. Well, because you're a good person. You would never trick people like that. And the monsters... No. No.

You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of Fly on the Wall, we've partnered with eHarmony, which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that. But the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Yeah.

just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, it, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, uh,

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. You want to- So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

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I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took a grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is Ola and hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, uh,

They have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curveball. I think they're going to know. What don't they have? The language you want. Yeah. And immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying?

I know no English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English. No English translation, so you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea of Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard, so this is the way to do it. Designed for long-term retention.

There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course, there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses Rosetta Stone offers for 50% off. A steal! Oh, my gosh. And I do think that the off-label thing that... I'm ad-libbing now, going off script.

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All right. Here's a here's a quick one, because everyone does Trump. Here's my angle on Trump. He's out in the stump and he starts listing the people he's going to go after. You know, it's really funny to me. We're going to go and then we're going to go after the communists, the Marxists, the neo-Marxists, the socialists, the fall of fake news media, the deep state and the state behind the deep state, the deepest state of all. We we call it the deep six. You imagine that we call it the deep six.

We're going to take out the vagabonds, the pirates and the witches, the Terminites and the Solomites. The Amish have got to go. I'm telling you, they got to go. And we're taking out Poland. I never liked it. It's a creepy place. We're taking out Deep Purple, the band. I can listen to Trump forever. It's so fucking funny to hear you just talk about Trump.

We're doing things. She always goes in the middle of this. He reads the teleprompter. He goes, can you imagine that? You imagine that you've heard of that, right? They're going to build a wall. We're going to build a second wall. You can do a second wall. I didn't know it, but, but they can do it. And the breathing. Oh, let's go to a video bet. Ready? Cause there's really no rules here.

I'm just going to show you. First of all, the setup is I was such a premiere whore. Back during SNL, you didn't do this as much, but I was so juiced with fame that I was like, I got a little smidge of fame and I was like, oh God, I'm getting invited to premieres. Hey, do you want to see Mission Impossible with Tom Cruise? A week ahead, bring your friend or bring someone from the cast. Cool. Super fun. But I went to way too many because there's Instagrams.

Where they go, hey, remember this premiere? And here's everyone that was there. And it always, I'm fucking in there. And I only remember. And I have some rope belt. I look like shit every time. So let's go down memory lane. I pulled a few of these. And let's pull up just random ones. And I'll tell you what I was thinking. They're not all bad. It's just, okay, this one is fucking great.

I don't even know if we should start with it. It's so good. Okay. This one is for, I have a key here. This is Speed. You look great. This is Speed with Keanu. That might be behind me either. No, it looks like Judd Nelson maybe. Is that a summer premiere? It doesn't matter to me. When I have a look, I lock it in and it could be any weather. So I've got cargo shorts. I've got one blue sock, which is actually pretty cool.

Was that intentional? Like a Michael Jackson thing? Dana, it's called the future. And I was the Kanye of that premiere. And I have work boots, which work well. I had those for my coat doesn't fit. That would maybe work now.

Did not work then. I thought it fit. I think it's totally hip. And it has a corduroy collar. Thought it fit. Didn't fit. The glasses I fucking hate. I can't stand it. I have my speed premiere ticket in my hand, but you can't really see it. And I'm holding a hat. Oh,

All stupid. All right, next one. Well, wait a minute. You're wearing the sunglasses indoor? No, it was the lights, Dana. I'm like, I can't take it. No, I was thinking, very cool. I wouldn't have the guts to do that at that age. Okay, which one's it? This is Farrell's. Same sunglasses. Maybe. I think so. Look it, we both went to the tinted sunglass store. I guess tinted was in, I don't know. Farley always looked pretty cool. This is True Lies.

And I'm doing duck lips and I'm not even joking. I did him forever. I don't even think they were around. I don't. It's a little bit of a jagger. No one was sick of him yet. I don't know why I did it. I think it was just nervousness. That was a leather jacket. I thought it was so badass. And it was nothing fit me. Not one thing fit me. Everything was big and I didn't know it. I thought they were all fitting. You couldn't see it? I couldn't see it. And look, I'm giving peace sign like straight ahead and kind of grossly.

farrell's like you know what he used to do you guys gotta back off the mic they're too good they're too good at laughers they don't even need it no they don't need a joke they just show these two idiots but dana here's a farley's do you remember this at premieres they take his picture and he goes not now and then he'd say take my picture so dumb so show another one yeah that was i can't believe there's no dana in any of these because you didn't

You were like, I didn't. Oh, this is a great one shot. I love this. This is now. Yeah. Now you. I look cool. Well, he's. Well, he's kind of like doing a. Those glasses and the hair slicked. That's when he got cool. There was a point when he combed it back because Christian Slater did when he hosted. It's a farls next week. And I go, you're so gross. That's because he goes, Christian Slater did it.

And I go, yeah. So he was always greasing it back. And look behind is Jay Moore. Wow. But wait a minute. This is after Tommy Boy. So you are a star. This is 95. Tommy Boy came out in 95. So it's around the same time. Because to have the guts to wear that hat with no irony and just was you have to be a star. That hat is I still have. It's so fucking cool. And the strings are hanging off.

And I have a turtleneck? Turtlenecks were illegal for a couple years. Hat fits well. I'm just going to say the clothes seem to work fine. I mean, you got a couple shillings in your pocket. Spain's starting to put the whole motif together of the junior superstar. Yeah. When we went to the premiere of Tommy Boy in London, we thought we were famous. It was so sickening. He's like, dude, what if everybody knows us and we get

hounded i'm like well it's not exactly beetle mania no one even knows who we are at all and they don't even get the show over there so we go over on the concord no less i did and it's like this land so it took 90 minutes we get there he brings a fucking shillelagh because he stopped by ireland he goes it's lucky so we bring the shillelagh out we go out with hats and sunglasses

No one knows who we are. It's so embarrassing. Shaley? Shaley? Shaley is like an Irish stick. Oh. Yeah. And then no one knew. So we took off the hat and sunglasses. Then we went to Planet Hollywood so someone would know us. Sickening. We went to get noticed and no one did. And we're like, what the fuck?

All right, next picture. I just want to have one question. While you were in that hat, did you ever do Wesky Wabbit or do any other? I want to get a Wesky Wabbit. I mean, did you use that at all? I don't think so because I thought it was cool. And so I didn't even want to joke about it. You really? Okay, here. Now we're getting into makeover time. Oh, this is 1999. This is Big Daddy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is Big Daddy. The TV show.

What was it called? Oh, I was on Just Shoot Me. Yeah, I was on Just Shoot Me.

It was doing good. It was up on the same night as like Frazier and Seinfeld. So we were in the mix. Yeah. Coat fits a little better. Still does not fit. Like, let's not get crazy. It doesn't fit. Well, I think the leaves. Well, no, the sleeves of the shirt go underneath. That shirt was a guest shirt. Can we ask Chris or Heather? Do you guys think our our hidden team of laughers? What do you think of that outfit? He looks a little more styled in this one. Yeah. Much more styled. The hair is longer. Cool baby.

Obviously, your teeth, you got your teeth done, quote unquote. I wish they were there. They look good there, and I don't know what happened since. And look at, I've got, those are a bit of mom jeans in a way, but my shoes are cool. My shoes, because I got a bad neck, they would always kill me. I could only wear them to the premiere, and then I'd have to go back to Skechers or whatever that was back then. Well, mom jeans would be higher waisted than that, wouldn't they? Yeah, a little bit, but these weren't.

A little higher. Yeah. Yeah, that's a point. But okay, at least I'm getting somewhere. Okay, next one. These are all like flashcards. I don't know what's next because I'm in. You don't even know what's coming. Oh, okay. Okay. Now we're at David 2.0. What am I, Johnny Rotten? This is a brand new guy. This is. Jesus, someone's been watching too many Kurt Cobain videos in this one. I have a fog hat shirt on. That was Punch Drunk Love. That's Julie Bowen.

She looks great. She was great. Oh, right. She was sort of you dated for a while. Is that what they call it? You dated. And you know what I've learned from wearing guy liner is it does. It makes your eyes look too skinny. Like I can't even see. I don't know why I have it on a Corey Felb. I mean, I don't know what I saw. I have faded purple cords on. I thought those were cool. Right. But do you have eyeliner on? Yeah.

You mean like mascara? I say it with no embarrassment. Do you have lipstick on? Yep. Do you have lipstick on? Are you wearing a bra? I just have rouge, lipstick, a bra, a training bra, and a fucking thong. And a G-string. Yes. Well, it's good that we get to know what's behind all the stores. Now, how old are you there? Eleven. Eleven.

By the way, poor Julie. She went there with me and I'm sure she took one look and was like, we're not doing the fucking press line, are we? I'm like, oh yeah. Oh yes we are. Okay, keep going. I think there's just a couple more. We can get rid of some of these if they're bombing. These are fun. They're kind of funny to just talk about. Oh, who's this fucking grizzled mountain man? That is still Kurt Cobain, right? Wouldn't he wear those? I mean, he'd be spinning in his grave if he's

By the way, is this the first time the scruff showed up? Yeah, I got a little scruffy and I had a, I never wear a beanie. It gives me a headache. I actually don't like them, but I wore a beanie because it was tough hair day, zipped up leather jacket, a flannel shirt. I used to love that flannel shirt. Of course, my jeans are not tucked, trashed and they're not trashed from doing too much, you know, hiking and lifting boulders. It's like I bought them for $9,000 and,

And they were already all distressed. Would you have possibly had a .38 revolver in your lower back? Does that guy carry a gun or a knife? No, he carries a buck knife and he stabs you and then he fucking puts you in an arm hole. Because it looks like kind of a tough guy ready to fight. I was kind of like mad that they're taking a picture. But I go into the press line and then I'm like, what the fuck do you guys want? They're like, well, you're in a step and repeat, so...

I think you know. You know what that guy is saying to everybody? What are you looking at? What? What are you looking at? That's what you're saying right there. What the fuck are you looking at? I'm like Rambo. All right, we'll get off this. That's alpha. That's alpha right there. Okay, we're halfway through the photos, and now we have a current date. Spades of premiere horror.

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That's $50 off with CodeFly at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Okay, when you're hiring for your small business, you want to find quality professionals that are right for the role, obviously. That's why you have to check out LinkedIn Jobs. Everyone knows LinkedIn, but LinkedIn Jobs has the tools to help find the right professionals for your team faster and for free. That's right. You need good people, Dana.

You do, David. And newsflash, LinkedIn isn't just a job board. LinkedIn helps you hire professionals you can't find anywhere else. Even those who aren't actively searching for a new job, it might be open to the perfect role. In a given month, David, check this out, write it down if you want to, over 70% of LinkedIn users don't visit other leading job sites. So if you're not looking on LinkedIn,

You're looking in the wrong place. Well, because they get what they want from LinkedIn. So why look around? On LinkedIn, 86% of small businesses get a qualified candidate within 24 hours. That's one day according to my calculations. That's right. And LinkedIn knows that small businesses are wearing so many hats that might not have the time and or resources to hire. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. They're constantly finding ways to make the process easier even though it's easy already. Yeah.

They launched a feature that helps you write job descriptions, make it even easier. If you want to post something, you know, that's right. Quicker 2.5 million small businesses use LinkedIn for hiring. Listen, post your job for free at linkedin.com slash candidates. That's linkedin.com slash candidates to post your job for free. As always terms and conditions apply. I will tell you what I did recently and then I'll let you go, Dana. But, um,

I'm not letting you go anywhere. I have nowhere to go. I remember when you heard that I gave this Burger King guy some money. Do you remember this story? Yes. So my new started a whole thing. My new thoughts on it. So the thing is Burger King guy worked there 27 years. I saw him on fucking TikTok. And so I said he was opening a present. He goes, I worked here 27 years, never missed a day.

I was like, holy shit. He goes, and they gave me a gift from Burger King and it was like a yo-yo and a Pokemon card and like $10 at Starbucks. So I go,

That's it. And he was so happy that he got that. And he goes, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Back at work. And he went, I was like, is he being sarcastic? And he wasn't. So that his daughter made a GoFundMe say, get this guy a vacation. He's busting his fucking ass. So he needed like, it was like 15 grand. So I, it was close. Something like that. Oh yeah. So I put up,

Five grand got him over the hump to 15 or whatever. So they tell TMZ. Well, wait a minute. It says over underwhelming five grand. Wait. Oh, his gift was underwhelming. God, thank you, Jesus. Okay. I was just thinking that's tight. Yeah, that was back then. Okay. So I gave him some money. So he gets to his 15 and then his daughter tells TMZ. So then they do a story about him.

And then the next week he's up to like 40 grand. I'm like, holy shit. And then he goes on the today's show and they're like, so David Spade helped. Then he's DMing me and I'm like, Hey, you did a great job. He's like, is that really you that gave it to me? I go, yeah, man, you were, nobody works hard anymore. So blah, blah. Then he keeps going. Then he comes to my show in Vegas and then, uh,

It's been a year, Dana. And they go, Burger King guy just bought a house with this 450,000 he's up to. And I and then I hit him up and I go, I think after 300 K, we split it, guy. I mean, what are the rules? I mean, I feel like the house has to win a little bit. So how do I approach this?

This is probably awkward and I shouldn't even say this, but you seem to have the Midas touch. And I'm just going to say this as a soft ask. Could you start a Kickstarter for me? For you? Just saying. If it's going to go into seven figures, I could just ask. If it's going to quadrillion zoople. Yeah. You may have the Midas touch. You know, the thing is. Your new nickname is Kickstarter. No, it's Great Guy Syndrome. And I have it. And I have a really bad case of it.

And so, well, I'd never heard this story before, but I'm glad to hear it now. Isn't it good? You know that you're working with a good guy. So here we go. He gets to 50 grand. Then they go get him to a hundred grand. They raise it because it's still pouring in. Get him to a hundred and get this guy like an electric bike, you know, poor fucking guy. So they get to that. And then she's like, Hmm, let's put it to 200,000. So they just keep raising it. And the last I saw,

They want to get it to a million. Oh, it's at 457. He wants a million so he can get four tickets to Taylor Swift. I like the paid fucking laughers. Give me a micro chortle on that. That's the closer. Mike's terrible work space.

I didn't get picked up anywhere for my charitable work. It'll be quiet. You know what? You got to hire a person. I just stumbled on that because nobody knows what I do. I like when they say, look at George Clooney gave this bum $100. And I go, well, if there's seven paparazzi guys walking by, he's like, here you go. Can you get the $100? Can you get me and the $100 in the shot? Can you get the guy's hand and me and the bum? Of course. There's a camera there. Not saying he's not a good guy, but there's a camera there. I'm giving a guy. I'm like, here's my coat.

Get it? Did you get it? Come back a little later. Can I get that coat back? It was kind of a bit I was doing. I remember, yeah, Paul McCartney, when I first met him, he said, you know, I could go all over the world. All I have to do is go down to Fifth Avenue and drop me trousers. Oh, what does that mean? He'd go all over the world and unpress? I go all over the world. So if you want to trend, if you want to start to trend, yeah, then we can figure that out for you. Okay, I got one more thing to ask you.

Okay. I keep saying one more. I was out of stuff 45 minutes ago. Are you out of stuff? Okay, my last thing then I'll say. Oh, no, I have stuff I can do. Yeah. Well, first of all, I wanted to hear a red, redneckie. Do you have any loaded? Well, I can do a few red, redneckies. I was thinking because people, I did this on a podcast I used to do with Chris Rios, Fantastic.

But I haven't done it on this podcast much, have I? Well, this one's new. Redneck. But the other one, Fly on the Wall, you've done it once or twice. But it's a hit and people say it. On this one, I'm red, redneck, either redneck comedian. You ever fart so loud, dog two stayed away and go, what that? Come and get some. That was the beginning. Where's come and get some?

God fuck You ever fought so loud Dog to stay the way Go what that Call my gay son Yeah I forget my own catchphrase I know Go ahead It's just to get on the rhythm Because what I want to do I'm going to do three of them And then I'm going to ask people To send in red rednecky jokes And then I will read their Red rednecky joke And I'll do one That was sent in To Chris and I A time ago You ever crept so big You don't know Gonna get down that toilet Call my gay son So that's laying the groundwork

Sort of the level we're working at. You ever crap so big you don't know if it's going to get down the turlet? Get down that turlet. Go ahead. Come and get some. Come and get some. For people just hearing this for the first time, it's intentionally supposedly the worst comedian in the world. That is kind of the idea. But he's got a catchphrase and he's super famous.

Well, things bad happen or things that don't seem so great. And then come and get some is the ultimate defiance. Come and get some. This is one that someone said in and I did. I did a rewrite on it, but I asked my mama to worship my daddy. Why did she said? Sure thing. I said, how'd it go? She said, great. I haven't seen skid mods like that since the Daytona 500. Come and get some. That's the longest one we got. That's a pretty good one. That's a good one.

I asked my mama what's for dinner. She said roadkill. I said, what kind? She said, I got to take a drive. Come and get some. I think there's safety in knowing you're eventually going to say come and get some. Right. The two, the most off-putting ones are the fart and the poo one, but the rest are just basic, basic kind of stuff. You see, if you get this one.

My grandpappy invented the phrase dollars to donuts. Every time he got a dollar, he bought a donut. He died at 27. Come and get some. Heart attack? I don't know. Guess what, guys? People can write in. Superfly at odyssey.com if they want you to do more impressions or more from come and get some. Okay. Superfly at odyssey.com? Yes. Is that our email?

Yes. And send it in so rednecky. And also I'm going to do a runner of Johnny Carson getting pulled over for drunk driving. And you can send in jokes for that. Oh, sorry. Sorry, officer. I didn't know I was swerving. I had a tangerine torpedo at the cranky pigeon. Sorry, officer. I didn't know I was swerving. I had a dirty double banana daiquiri at the boozy glow. Boozy glow.

Yeah. I like when they rhyme, the fucking purple nurple. It's the drinks. Here's one. Well, the original ones, I'm sorry, officer, I didn't know I was swerving. I had two slippery monkeys at the hook and crook. See, I like that. I like when they rhyme. And here's one that's double. Sorry, officer, I didn't know I was swerving. I had five whiskey sours at the whiskey sour hut.

That's a different way to go with it. It's a little different. But if anyone wants to send some in, they can do one. I got one. Sorry, officer. I had a banana daiquiri at the Stinky Pinky.

That's sort of like it, right? That's almost like red-reg negative. I know. I can't do it to you. You're too good. I'm back to the Super Bowl, but not Taylor Swift. Nuh-uh. That's what you think. Nuh-uh. There's also a football game. Okay. So here's what I'm saying is I saw a few Super Bowl commercials today, which is very odd. Yeah. The new thing. They show them to you this far ahead. Oh, yeah. More than a week out. Anyway.

And so they have one and they go, they have all the stars. You know who the stars were? The cast of Suits. Folks, I'm sorry. Now, this is when Meghan Markle was on. Meghan Markle in the hunt. And so she went away and now Suits, it wasn't a big show, but now it is. And so it's on Netflix. It's doing well. Are you really doing a Suits parody? Let me tell you something. When Prince Harry came over here,

He said, I got myself a... He wanted to have a celebrity, a superstar girlfriend. So everyone over there somehow believed that Suits was some fucking hit show with Julia Roberts on it. But I'm like, isn't that on TBS? I mean, is it really? She wasn't even the most famous person on Suits. Okay? So... And no one even knows what Suits is. So...

We're throwing around the word superstar a little loosely. That's what I was saying. Now, she's a superstar now. But even she will admit when you're on a show that's on like, you know, after reruns of Barney Miller. Too far back. Too far back. Well, that's he called Prince and now King Charles after he met Meghan Markle.

Daddy, I've met the most wonderful woman in the world. She's a superstar, an American actress. What do you say? Was that the older one? King Charles? What do you say? Sorry, I just coughed up a Dalmatian. Anyway, what's her name? Daddy, her name's Megan Marples. She's the biggest star in the world. Goodbye, Daddy.

royal family very good and if you don't mind we have to cough up a half a cow son i just go i just googled her she's not in the top 100 famous people in the world and i just do him like this and i do megan when he first met megan she's like hello what's your name my name's prince harry and i'm from the royal family yes i'm megan markle from a show called the suits

Have you ever seen it, Harry? That's how they talk. Fuck no. He sounded like Bill Cosby when you did Prince Charles. Oh, Bill Cosby. He's the cousin of Bill Cosby. He's basically Joe Biden and Bill Cosby have merged in a way. Ah, cousin of Bill Cosby. And lady. I like the stiffness. I'll get looser with this show. I need a better chair. Mm-mm-mm.

No, I like that you're, you actually, no one even mentions your full bed behind you. This is a video. We do have a, we do have a studio coming, guys. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade. Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey. Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.