Giving Up Control of Your Teen
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One of the greatest gifts God has given us is the ability to make choices. It can be kind of a freezing kind of thing at times, but we want to make choices. And in every way, a parent has to go through the process of letting go of our children and letting them make their own choices.

I'm John Fuller, and that's our topic today. I'm joined by Dr. Danny Huerta. He's in charge of our focus on the family parenting team, although you do give the team choices about what they do and free will. Danny, what was it like letting go of the control aspects for your own two kids and kind of saying, okay, you've got this, you make this choice?

Yeah. I mean, it was, it was interesting. It was tough, especially at the younger, younger years. Later on, 16, 17, 18, it was, it was easier, but,

It would seem like it's harder then, but what I hear you saying is you started way before 16, 17, 18. Yeah, I did. And it was tricky to give some of that. Now, it's interesting to think about, John, that every day we make about 35,000 decisions. That's what they've calculated. Really? That's what they've calculated. An adult makes that many. And a young child, 4,000, and then it just starts going up from there. More and more decisions are in front of kids. And when we add the phone to that...

With notifications coming and decisions on how to respond to all those. I mean, decisions, we're surrounded by those. So we're bound to make some poor ones. We need to realize that our kids make poor decisions sometimes. And as teenagers step into that at 13, 14, 15, 16...

It's hard to watch when they make a bad decision or a decision that's going to be – waste their time or it may end up in them being disappointed. But it's important for them to learn how to handle those emotions. And I remember with my son just cleaning his room.

That was one that I'd say I had to let go of a reminder for him because boys are naturally more messy. They're just in their room. That's a developmental norm unless a child is just naturally responsible or organized.

And my son, I had to let that go until the time when we were expecting for it to be clean or at least where we had agreed. And so I'd have to wait and not say anything until it was Saturday evening or whenever we agreed that it needed to be back to a reset for the next week. That was a hard one. Some other ones were...

If he had picked a certain friend that I wasn't a bad influence, but just maybe wasn't the best match for him and wasn't the most encouraging, but seemed kind of cool or athletic. I wanted to give input, but I would ask more questions. Hey, so how's it going? What do you think? What do you like about this friend? And I would just ask questions to help him consider. But then I had to continually step back on that because I think he caught on. Dad, you're one. You don't like this guy. And our kids can catch up.

to those desires from us that we want the best for them. I think a key phrase I started to use 10 years was help me understand. That was a key one for me. I think my kids appreciated that. Well, we have, uh, that's great wisdom and we have more wisdom now from Jody burnt. We heard from her last time as she spoke on focus on the family with Jim Daly, she and Jim talked about, uh,

This mix of teens and conflicts and choices. And she shared a story, a fun one, about a friend of hers who learned, had to let go of control. Jodi, a common tension point in parenting centers around a little word called control.

Who's in control. And again, at the teen years, that's really when this is blossoming, to use a positive metaphor. Your teen is blossoming into decision-making and control. Yeah, they actually get to drive a car at 16 in most states. That's a little crazy. 15 in others. And so speak to this.

I think you had a story about a mom named Leslie who struggled with her teen daughter. A great example. So let's go there. Yeah, yeah. Leslie is a friend and she had a lovely daughter, has a lovely daughter, Sarah Kay. And Sarah...

Sarah Kay was – their whole family was going to go to another sibling's college graduation. And Sarah Kay found out it was the same weekend as prom. Hold it. We need music. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Conflict. Yeah. So conflict coming, right? So the mother, of course, thinks graduation, once-in-a-lifetime event, done.

We need to be there for your sister as a family. And Sarah Kay thinks, what on earth? This is my prom. I'm in high school. I don't want to miss this. And so tension, tension, tension. And I love how Leslie approached it because, again, she took the humility to think, okay, let me...

And this wasn't right away. You know, there was definitely a lot of tension in there to start with. But she got to the point where she was willing to pray about it and say, God, I don't see how this could be. I believe we need to be together for the college graduation, but I'm going to trust you as the way maker. Well, as she's praying, what she doesn't know what's happening is that a family friend also wants to go to the graduation and is offered to take Sarah Kay the next day so they'll get there in time for the ceremony. And it all works out.

And what none of them could have predicted is that Sarah Kay would be named prom queen. Ha ha.

That would have been a big miss. That would have been a big miss. And this mom could have just stuck to her guns and said, nope, we're going as a family. But instead, she backed off and thought, I don't know how we can do this. I want us all there as a family, but I'm going to pray about it. And as she prayed, then this other transportation presented itself and everything was able to work out. This issue of control is a big one. And it needs to be observed by the parent that this is a natural progression, that

Did you ever really have control is a good starting question. Trent, my oldest, when he went off to college, you know, he was ready. His foot was out the door the day of graduation from high school and moving into, you know, a student complex, an apartment complex. And I was like panicked. Like,

Like, okay, there's going to be drugs and other things going on there. So I had the talk about, hey, you got to be really careful. And he just looked at me and goes, dad, you've taught me the right things to do. Oh, that's beautiful. But what he went on, this was the control part. He goes, you know how I am. No one's going to talk me into doing something I don't want to do. But if I want to do something, I'm going to do it. You know that. Yeah.

I said, but you've taught me the things not to do and the things to do. So he said, you know, just trust that. I was like, okay. Okay, thank you. But I mean, that's a strong-willed child. But you're so right. But you don't, you're never really in control on the team or beyond. You're never really in control. And your kids, like we said earlier, they can be out of your reach. They might not be, they might be still at your dinner table and they're out of your reach because they're not there emotionally. They don't want to listen to what you have to say. You, Jim, are teaching your son, but is he picking it up? You don't know. Yeah.

And yet, that's where the gift of prayer comes in, because God invites us to partner with Him through our prayers to accomplish His best purposes in our kids' lives. Okay, Dani, so Jodi is so good. And last time we heard a little bit more about prayer, and she landed there talking about praying for our kids, our teens. Let's say I have two teenagers, and I've been praying, praying, praying.

And I'm not seeing God answer the prayers that I'm praying. It seems like he's kind of distant and my child is distant and it's not working. So how do I keep on praying and do I need to adjust my prayers perhaps? Really, patience is the key word in this one. I recently saw a mug that said cup of patience. And sometimes I think, man, I think I need to drink a cup of that every day.

And part of it is patience to God's response. He's looking at the big picture. We're looking at the, with angst at the shorter term picture that am I going to lose this teen? Make sure you're praying. And then that there's an end that you're still pursuing the relationship. You're still showing an interest in wanting to be with them, that you're not going to self-protection.

that you're not closing up to the teen and trying to protect yourself emotionally. There's something behind that, and it may not even be personal to you. Maybe the teen is having trouble with their friends, and maybe that your teen has some other things, other angst that they're dealing with. Maybe it's depression. Maybe it's other things. It's not you. It's something else that you can't see. So explore that. And I remember at the beginning of the show, I said –

The phrase, help me understand. In this one, maybe explore that. Know that things can change quickly, especially the teen years. I've seen this in the counseling office where the family felt disconnected. And maybe a year later, a few months later, all of a sudden, something changed in their dynamic as a family or something changed in the friendships of that teen family.

And all of a sudden you saw connection beginning to happen once again. Maybe there's a word, I'm sorry, or forgive me, and that can change the momentum of the home. If you lean into God and instead of prescriptive prayers, you maybe pray what Danny was saying, help me understand.

he will give discernment. He'll answer that prayer. And so keep praying. And if you need someone to pray with you, we have a counseling team here, and it would be our honor to have you connect with one of those counselors who can listen to where you're at, hear your heart. They'll pray with you. They'll offer resources and connect you with somebody in your community if you need ongoing counseling. Parenting can be very difficult. And if you're trying to do this alone, you

and don't have anybody to turn to, please let us be a frontline responder for you. That free phone consultation is available when you call 800-the letter A in the word family. Just ask to speak with one of the counselors. Again, 800-the letter A in the word family. And of course, we'll have details in the show notes as well. And then get a copy of Jody Byrne's amazing book, Praying the Scriptures for Your Teens, Opening the Door for God's Provision in Their Lives. It's a phenomenal book.

Jodi is a prayer warrior. She takes prayer seriously. You will be encouraged. Your prayer life will change, and I believe you'll see changes in your teenager as well. Get a copy of this book when you make a monthly pledge or one-time gift of any amount to support the show and this ministry. You can call that 800 number or stop by the show notes. All the details are right there.

Now, next time we're going to hear from Cynthia Tobias. She's got some warnings about things kids are learning in school. For now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller. And thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.

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