Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Well, you want your children to succeed in life, but what about those moments when they seem distant or they want to quit? What do you do then? I'm John Fuller. Welcome to the show with Dr. Danny Huerta, who heads up Focus on the Family's parenting department. We're going to hear now a conversation from Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Jim spoke with Carrie Kempakis about why it's good to be a safe place for your children, especially as they work through tough decisions.
Let me ask you that because it's really important that she's calling you. That's what screams at me. Yes. And I think of the parents that maybe their kids have gone off to college and they're not calling. Right. So in that context, let me just ask that wildcard question. How do you reconnect with a child that's in that, you know, an adult child, I guess, just launched?
They went off to some great school in the SEC, given you're from Birmingham. Right. But they're not calling for that advice. How do you reconnect –
It's certainly not to call and say, hey, I got some advice for you. Do you want to listen? You don't do that. But how do you get that reconnection going maybe? I think the best thing is just knowing that we've got to have that relationship in place. And I made a lot of mistakes with my kids. But one thing I really try to emphasize, especially in their last years at home, was to try to build that relationship. Because I want them to call me. I want them to want to come home. But for them to do that, we do have to have that relationship in place.
And I've got four children, so the story may be very different with each one of them. They might not all be calling me when they go to college, but that's my hope. But I do think for parents, the shutdown that I sometimes see is that we're loving them or doing what we think is the right thing, and our children aren't responding. And sometimes we shut down and stop showing love. We stop making that effort. We stop inviting them to go on a trip or to do something fun with us. Right?
rather than pursuing their heart like God pursues us. So that was something, especially when my kids were in the thick of the teenage years and they weren't always loving me back. I mean, I really learned that I was like, okay, this is how God loves me. He is pursuing my heart regardless of whether I'm loving him back today. It's what my parents did for me. They loved me regardless of whether I was being a salty teenager. And eventually you come back to them. Yeah, I like that. The idea is consistency. God always loves us.
And that's consistent. And we should be that way with our parenting job as well. That can be hard at times. And just as a reminder, if you're in a space where that's difficult, give us a call here at Focus. We have lots of resources to help you do that.
The best job you can do in that space. So don't hold back. Get in touch with us. And certainly this book will be a great tool in that regard. Let me take you to your consulting role of the cop, coach, and consultant. So back to a consultant experience you had with your daughter when she wanted to quit dance. This is just a good example of how to be that consultant. Right, right. You know, as our kids get older, our relationship has to grow up. And we do go from a position of power to a position of influence.
And ultimately, it's their life and they're going to have free will and get to make these decisions for themselves. So I think as parents, our goal is to help them make wise decisions. But sometimes we think we know what's best for them and we don't really give them a say in their own life. And it's hard because my daughter, for example, she was one of those little girls who was dancing around the house when she was two years old, like just love to twirl, love to dance. That's all she did. She did it through fifth grade. And so in my head as a mom, I'm thinking this is her track.
You know, this is what she's going to be trying out for next year when she goes to middle school. And let's get her a coach and all this. I had it all set up. And as a mom, it gives you a little sense of security thinking that you know your child's track. This is their passion. This is where they'll find their friends and their place in middle school. Right. They're bent. They're bent. Yes. And so out of the blue, at the end of fifth grade, she decided she wanted to quit dance.
And I was like, no, you can't quit dance. And my kids had wanted to quit things before. So I thought the feeling would pass. And so she really thought about it for several months. And she was just certain. And so I find myself trying to convince her to stick with it. Like, what about your friends are doing this weekend intensive in New York? I'll take you to do that. That sounds exciting. Yeah. I mean, I was like, her studio was doing that. That couldn't convince her. And so as a mom, I really realized that I was unsettled not knowing her track and
And for me, I was like, maybe this is too much a part of my identity and my security as a mom not listening to her. So I really had to give her that space. Like I said, she was in fifth grade. I had to think, you know, maybe she'll decide to go back if she really loves it. But if I force the issue, it's not going to happen. So that took some soul searching for me. Let me ask you, for the parents that don't recognize that, you had to have that moment of self-doubt.
realization that is this for me? Is it for my benefit? Does my child, you know, these are the secret things that I want. I could relate to that raising boys playing football. Right. And I wanted my two boys to play football so bad. And I had to, when I first started encouraging them, I didn't get the resounding response that I thought I would because we're the dailies. We all play football. My brother played football. I played football. I'm sure you're going to want to play football. Right.
And they didn't really have that much interest in it. And I had to pull back. So the raising daughter side of that, like with dance, right? You got to say, okay, can you bite your tongue? Yes, it's so true. And so I had to do that with myself and let her, I was like, well, let's do something in your sixth grade year. So she tried volleyball and she was pretty good at that. So in my head, I found myself thinking, well, maybe volleyball's her track. Maybe I need to set her up with a coach there. So if she tries out for the volleyball team this year, I'm like trying to find something. Coach, coach, coach. Yeah.
But then she didn't want to stick with volleyball. So I had to let it go and just pray, you know, God, just you direct her. Just help her find some passion. I don't care what it is. And it was two months later that it was, I remember it was Martin Luther King holiday weekend. We were out of school. She texts me from her friend's house and she's like, hey, my friends are telling me I was a really good dancer and I should go back to it. So I think I want to try out for the team in two months.
And I'm thinking, these girls have been practicing all year long. You have not danced since eight months. And so I'm thinking this in my head, like, I'm not sure if she's going to make it, but okay, we will like get back on that track. So we get her some lessons. Luckily, she had danced so intensely before that she still had those skills in place. Yeah.
She made the team and she's loved it ever since. And she's now on the high school dance team. And there are so many times when I just sit there watching her enjoy what she's doing and she's got this passion again. And I think I could have ruined that if I had forced her to stay with dance that she could have like quit a year later and never gone
back again. Well, it's such a secret to parenting, the fact that they turn off when you're pressuring them. Even you think that you're doing it out of their best interest, right? You used to love dancing and you keep that pressure on, then it becomes your thing and not their thing. So many young men playing football go to college kind of playing for their dad, not for themselves. And they just wash out for that reason. So it's very similar.
Well, good stuff from Carrie. And Danny, I love hearing stories about you and your daughter, Lexi. She's a passionate person from what you describe. How do you foster that? How do you encourage that in your daughter?
Yeah, you know, with my daughter, I love to take interest in what she is loving, what she feels God has created her to do. I've noticed the different passions as they pop up. One of them was, as we've talked about, aerial acrobatics.
I knew nothing of that before my daughter got into it. And now I've learned a lot. I've watched YouTube videos. I've been outside with her. I've been on trips with her to watch her do this. I've gone to practices to watch it. And really, as dads, we need to take interest in what our daughters are into, even if we feel completely inadequate in teaching it.
we can become students and learners alongside of our daughters in that. I've had a couple uncomfortable moments physically trying to do the aerial thing with her and we've painted together. She loves painting and I like art. I love art actually. And so we did that. We've done that over the years together and she's been interested in a few other side things. And
And I've said, "Hey, honey, tell me more about it. I wanna hear. What do you love about it?" And then the big part for dads is to remember to ask questions and then to listen as they're sharing about their passions. And then if they're saying, "I just wanna quit this, I'm discouraged." Dads, you are so life-giving in that moment to say,
Why do you think it is that you want to quit now? You were so passionate about it over here. Just help me understand. Totally get it. Sometimes we lose interest in things or we learn that we're just not good at something and that's okay.
But help me know what is happening underneath that, that all of a sudden you're wanting to let go of something. Yeah. Let's encourage them in those situations. A big one for dads to know in that moment is to listen carefully. Just be attentive. You don't have to fix it. And then you'll know what to do in that moment as you're attentive with your daughter. Yeah. And that whole concept of being safe, right?
that allows that child to explore kind of what some of the underlying reasons might be for that. Yeah, that's good. Again, I love hearing about you and Lexi, and it's inspiring to me. My kids are older, and I still can learn about being intentional and being curious, and I'm going to try to be more of that for all of my kids. What a gift it is to have a daughter, right? Oh, it is. Yeah, it really is. So,
Listen, we know that you might be in a tough spot with your child. It might not be so easy as just being curious and asking some questions. If you feel like you're stuck, please know that we have a team of caring Christian counselors. Our donor community makes it possible for us to offer a free phone consultation for you. So you can kind of talk through whatever the issue is and get some perspective, get some talking points maybe to have a good conversation with your child. And if you have any questions,
Call today and we'll schedule a free consultation, a callback for you. Our number is 800-A-FAMILY. That's 800-232-6459.
Of course, if you want to go deeper, we do have the book by Kira Kempakis, Love Her Well, 10 Ways to Find Joy and Connection with Your Teenage Daughter. It really is a terrific resource if your daughter is still a teen at home or maybe she's a young adult and she's moved on. It's never too late to be doing what Danny was talking about, showing up and being curious and finding connection.
We'll send that book to you when you make a generous donation of any amount to the ministry today. Support what we're doing here through this show, through these podcasts, through all that Focus on the Family is doing. We'll say thanks by sending the book to you. All the details are in the show notes. Next time, we're going to have some hope for single moms. And for now, on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, I'm John Fuller, and thanks for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.
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