Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
It's natural. You want to protect your child from struggles, but they grow through those struggles. I'm John Fuller with Dr. Danny Huerta, who heads up the Focus on the Family Parenting Department. Danny, thank you so much for joining us.
You have so many great stories. You only have two kids, but you've got all these great stories. So what's a time when you saw one of your kids really push on and persevere through a challenging time? Yeah, it's been eventful having the two kids. I've loved it. Absolutely love being a dad. My daughter, I remember when she first started middle school and they had gone through that initial kind of boot camp introduction. A lot of anticipation, a lot of question marks. What's it going to be like?
And sure enough, there were dynamics of friends that she had had in elementary school that all of a sudden were creating a click and one that wasn't the nicest. And she started to come home a bit upset that this was changing. And it was difficult for her to really manage that. And she was getting more and more discouraged in this kind of friendship world of middle school.
And had created some other friendships, but then these other girls were saying things about a variety of people. And then she was frustrated with the fact that they were doing that. And it was just a time where she was not happy with school. She was saying, Dad, I don't even want to go. I'm not enjoying that. And it had just flipped on its side for her.
And as we talk through the reality of what happens in middle school, the reality of human nature, but also the undercurrents of what they're trying to accomplish, trying to see these other kids through a lens of compassion, of knowing that they are wrestling through insecurities and other things and trying to create a space of acceptance for themselves.
It helped understand it differently. I mean, this was a process, John, that took, it was sixth grade, then seventh, then eighth. And even then there were still things happening there. As I saw her power through that, I think it's helped her value her relationships that she has even more so. Mm-hmm.
And has helped her know that she needs to treat people a certain way as well. So I've seen her power through it. It hasn't gone beautifully or perfectly. It hasn't resolved exactly how she wanted it. But it certainly has helped her with her emotional intelligence, her social skills, her empathy.
her love of people. And in fact, she says, someday I want to be a counselor. I want to help kids and I want to help them with friendship dynamics. And I want to help...
learn how to navigate life along the way. So it's created a compassion towards kids. I love how she's been shaped through it. Yeah, yeah. Adversity tends to make us better people. Yes. But we want to shy away from it, especially for our children. Let's go ahead and hear now from Lucille Williams, who spoke with Jim Daly on his podcast and show.
She addressed the need to overcome struggles and how the junior high years tend to bring a lot of those. How does a parent assess that and then get engaged and not let kind of the stuff of life just blind you from what your child is screaming, maybe not verbally, but emotionally, screaming that they need help?
If I wasn't on the other side of this, I wouldn't know this. But my two oldest, they struggled. It was struggle after struggle after struggle. And my husband and I would just sit down, be in their corner, be with them,
you know, just different things with school and friends. And as they got in their teen years, breakups, and it was just heartaching. And we would just walk it through with them. Like one thing our kids knew, if something happened and you got stuck in this cesspool, mom and dad are jumping in with you. And that's how we were. That's how my husband and I parented. Okay, what's going on? All right, if you want us, we're there. We're going to jump in with you. But then my
My third. He was like that golden kid. Straight A's. Pop.
Unpopular. Like, I remember driving up to his junior high and kids were screaming as I drove by. If he was in the car, they're screaming, Joey, Joey, look, it's Joey. I'm like, oh my goodness, what is going on here? And I remember even my daughter, one time she came up to me and she goes, Mom, he's got to fail at something. This isn't good. Even his older sibling noticed. And he just sailed through school. I remember I got a call, 10th grade. His teacher called me up and said, do you know that he's number one in his class?
I'm like, he is? Student council, leading the school play, boom, boom, boom. I mean, just... And I just remember thinking, oh, man, like, I don't know how this is going to go. Well...
He's the one when he graduated that struggled the most. Like all those years of those golden years. Oh, they came and they came heaping on. I mean, just whoa. It was like the jumping in part. That didn't happen until he turned 18 because he just like kind of sailed through. Now my two older ones, whoa. Like when they became adults, wow.
They just soared, like all those struggles that they went through and all the angst and all the breakups and the friend things and just all the disappointments. And it was like it was easier for them. Now, the youngest, he finally caught up. He got there. He, you know, found his way.
But our older two, because through the years of struggle when they were home with us, they just did really well. And to those parents out there, wouldn't you want your kid to struggle while you're right there? Oh, yeah. Not the day you drop them off at college. That's not when you want struggle to start. That's a terrible time for that to start then. Not that it's not going to happen. Right.
But you want them to go through those things with you so you could jump in and be there and be by their side and hold their hand and be there when they fall. Even during those years where they're like, no, go away. I don't want to talk to you about this. Okay, that's fine. When they're ready, they will find you and they will talk to you. You just have to wait and be ready. Well, I think people are getting a good insight into your heart. And this wonderful children's book, really about ages two to six,
Turtle finds his talent. It's got fun pull tabs and a bunch of things in here, but it's the story. It's the story that matters and what you're teaching your child. And then I would say as a parent, do a little study of your child at that age, begin to understand what their talents are, begin to reinforce those. I love the weaknesses that you did with your son, Tim, and help him with the alphabet, help him with words, put them on the door, can't open the door until you tell me what letter it is. That's brilliant. That's brilliant.
And, you know, again, this is just orienting you as a parent to better understand your child. That's always a good thing. So thank you for being with us, Lucille. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Danny, I remember a time when one of our daughters was in an early colleges situation. So that means she's doing high school and also earning some credits for the local community college.
And so she had one class that she was just bombing at. And if she didn't do well at it, the college was going to require some money for her to retake it. And so I was really trying to push her and I was trying to figure out how do I get her to avoid failing? And I realized that's the wrong approach. So just if I brought that to you today, if I said, oh, I want to help her out, but I don't know how, what would your advice be?
Well, I mean, it's validating the fact that you want the best for her, right? I mean, that's really what you're trying to do. You don't want to see her... We never want to see our kids fail. I mean, that'd be...
I'd almost feel negligent as a parent to say, yeah, go ahead and do that. But it's restraining ourselves seeing the bigger picture, seeing beyond the moment and saying, oh, wow, okay, what are the nuggets that can be had from this? And if you were coming in and we were talking about this, I'd say, hey, what's the goal that can be found from this? What would be the shaping and the strengthening and the resilience built from this? That is a lofty question.
And I'm ashamed to say that one of the goals was to save me the 250 bucks that she didn't have to retake the test or to retake the course. Yeah. So honestly, I mean, selfishly, it was like money was tight back then, very tight. And 250 is a lot of money and I didn't want to pay it. Yeah. So I appreciate you saying, hey, there's a bigger picture here for my child.
But I'm just going to give parents permission to recognize you might have a motive in helping your child avoid failure. It might be you, inconvenience or money or something else. I love the emphasis, though, on what could my child learn if she fails here? Yeah. That could be worth all $250. Yeah. Just in the long-term picture.
Even though it hurts, though, budget-wise. I mean, $250 is $250. So my daughter wrote this to me, John. Okay, so you're holding up. It's my little journal. We're not video yet. Someday we'll be video on this podcast. Yeah, yeah, that's right. You're holding up a little book. Yeah, it's my little journal. We've had multiple of these where we have them around our table and we write into each other's journals.
just whatever God is speaking to you for the other person, a verse, a quote or something. And before a trip, she knew this was gonna be a difficult trip. It was one, I think she saw me a bit stressed kind of preparing for it. And so she wrote this. And man, sometimes God speaks directly to us, but also reflects maybe something we've been teaching them. So she said...
"Dad, do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one." She had found that quote. And so she put that in there and she said, "While you're on your trip, you'll be faced with challenges, Dad.
But don't wish that it was easier or you'd never grow into the man that God sees you becoming. Instead, pray that God will give you strength to conquer those challenges. I love you. It's going, oh my goodness, Lord, thank you for that gift. It shows that we've been talking about this, but it's so, so hard. And you know, sometimes now, she wrote this a long time ago.
And now as a 19-year-old, she's brought up some things going, man, I don't even know. And she's talking about these challenges that may be too hard to overcome. And I go, hey, remember when you wrote this? And she goes, oh, dad, you're bringing that in. And she goes, yeah, you're right. And sometimes it's good for us back and forth to be reminded of the fact that challenges are uncomfortable. Mm-hmm.
And we do need to pray for the shaping rather than the saving. And the shaping is very intentional in God's design. And the more we lean into it, the more we're free. And that's what's interesting about that. That's real good wisdom for all of us. Thank you for sharing that perspective. And we just want as a ministry to encourage you
You're not alone. Most of us are in the trenches trying our best, but there are times when you get tested and you're not really sure. And if you're facing something that's just ginormous and you don't know what to do next, we have caring Christian counselors here, and it would be a privilege for us to have one of them give you a call at a time that's convenient and kind of listen to you, find out what's going on, and offer some next steps. Just give you a sanity check, if nothing else.
These are really good folks. Our donor community makes it possible for this to be a free phone consultation, and we're a phone call away. 800-the letter A in the word family. We'll also have a link in the episode notes for our counseling services as well. And we'll have details about how you can donate to the ministry and be part of all that Focus on the Family is doing with curriculum and videos and books and so much more.
Make a donation today, and we'll say thank you for being a part of the support team by sending a copy of this excellent little children's book by Lucille Williams called Turtle Finds His Talent, Discovering How God Made You Special. It's a really cute story. You can enjoy it with your kids or your grandkids, and we'll send it to you for a donation of any amount. Details are in the show notes.
And then finally, remember to leave a review for us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, wherever you listen. That kind of endorsement or review really spreads the word for us. And then let us know how we can continue to shape these shows to make them more effective for you as a parent. I'm John Fuller, and on behalf of Dr. Danny Wert and the entire team, thanks so much for listening to the Focus on the Family Parenting Podcast.
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