CNN Roast Drama | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 270
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Hey everyone, it's Whitney here. Please don't scroll past this because I'm doing tour dates because that's what I was told started happening. So just go to wittycomings.com. I'm coming to your city and don't skip this because wildness is coming.

Soon. Right now. Bap, bap, bap! I'm in Austin, Texas, doing the podcast here with a bunch of hot dorks in STEM. I'm here to do the Comedy Mothership. I am reading off a prompter because I'm going to read a bunch of jokes that I cut from the CNN New Year's Eve roast. I didn't cut them because I was scared. I cut them for time and a lot of other things, but we'll get to that in a second. I'm very excited to be at the Comedy Mothership. Let me tell you what.

because like comedy mothership has those yonder bags. Like people talk about like, Oh, why is the mothership so great? It's because it has bags. As soon as you come in, you have to put your phone to back. So you can't like film like snitch comics. You know, I think that because of Instagram and Twitter and Tik TOK comment section, people want to comment in person. Like they, there's an escalation and just Tourette's at comedy shows. And I I'm happy. I'm fine with hecklers. You guys know that I asked people about their conspiracy theories. I talked to the audience a lot, but yeah,

When someone just yells something to try to, like, correct you, so, like, self-righteous indignation, it is you are coming for people that professionally insult other people. And how dare you make me look like a bully by intentionally misunderstanding a joke at a comedy show to go out of your way to be offended at my job? You paid money to hear jokes, and then you heard one, and you were like, ah...

It's honestly might be drugs and it's obviously some kind of mental illness. But I remember one time I was like, it was at the comedy store and I was doing some joke. It was when like Chappelle was getting a lot of shit for being transphobic or something like that. And I just I did a joke about like, you know, trans women. If you're upset about what Dave Chappelle it was like, if you're upset about what Dave Chappelle said about trans women, wait to hear what he's been saying about women.

For the past 30 years, you're going to lose your shit. And I did say, like, Dave Chappelle is the best comedian in the world. Like, you know, I think he knows what he's doing. And this woman stood up and she was like, hey, Dave Chappelle's not fair. Dave Chappelle's not fair. And it was just like, are you in a comedy club saying to a comic, Dave Chappelle's not funny? Imagine me being like, you're right.

You know what? Oh, and she was in The Audacity. She was in a... What's it called when you're a janitor in a Broadway play and you're wearing like a zip-up onesie? It was like a baggy onesie. And I was like...

You can't come at me as a woman in a baggy onesie at the comedy store at my job and say one of my friends isn't funny. This isn't going to go well for you. But everyone's got their cameras out. So I'm like, all right, I guess I just have to, you know, create space. What's it called, Anthony? I have to hold space for this woman's truth.

Okay. Of course, a white woman, obviously, always. Anyway, so a lot of people are asking me, which, by the way, I hate it when people do that. Everybody's asking me, like, when influencers do that, everyone's asking me who makes this top. Everybody's asking me who makes it. It's like, no one's asking you. Just tag it. Just get a free top. Just pretend you have sponsors. Like, no one needs to go through this rigmarole. But a lot of feedback that I'm getting from the, I did a roast of 2024 live on CNN.

I did send an email to the producers and say, like, thank you so much for having me. And she wrote back something very nice. Deb, love you. So I don't think they're mad at me. I don't know. But people are like, Whitney got red pilled. Okay. I didn't get red. But you guys, I take every color pill. All right. No, I am sober. But I don't discriminate against...

pill colors. When you got red pill, but it's kind of like, it's just wild to me that we are in a time where if you are on the left and you don't criticize your party, how much do you even care about your party? Do you know what I mean? It's like what's going on in the left. I had to like, I finally just broke my

On the left, it's like, you know when someone's dog is barking at you or growling at you and the owner can't see it? The owner's like, oh no, she's just friendly. She's just friendly.

The dog's like jumping on you or just like getting shmegma saliva all over your like white shirt. Like, oh, sorry. She's just friendly. I'm like, no, she's inbred. She's inbred and she's not trained and probably has hepatitis A, B and C. Can I just get to work, please? This isn't it. She's just friendly. You know how you like can't see people.

It's like Ryan Reynolds and his wife. You know, sometimes you just can't see it. You know, you're in Stockholm syndrome, whatever it is. But I just think that if you love your party, you have to be able to criticize it, you know, and I don't really take sides. I've always thought of myself as a pretty liberal person, you know, but I don't I don't think the left is as liberal as it used to. It's like the left became the party of censorship, right?

And my body, my choice, but you have to take this vaccine. And my body, my choice, pro-choice party, but you don't have a choice in your candidate. Like, I just, I'm not an expert on politics, which is why I've always said I'm not weighing in on it. But I am an expert on hypocrisy. Okay, I was raised by hypocrites. I've dated them. And I know hypocrisy when I see it. So to me, I didn't think I was being political. You know, I thought I was just like pointing out hypocrisies everywhere across the board.

And when people are like, why did you make fun of Trump? Because that's hacky to do. Everyone's done that. And to do it on CNN, that's just like, that's home court advantage, cheap shot. There's nothing risky or dangerous about that. It bothers me when comics say stuff that's self-righteous and they get applause for being fake brave when they're not doing it in a situation that's brave at all. If I was going to roast Trump and make fun of Trump, which I have plenty, I can write jokes about that all day, is...

I'd have to do that on Fox News. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I can't... To go on CNN and roast Trump is just like...

fish in a barrel so um and I also already roasted Trump people that maybe don't know me I think it was like literally 20 like 15 14 or 15 we did the roast of Donald Trump on uh commie central so that was like ages ago um so I've already done that I'm not gonna like do it again and be like me again like I said what I needed to say you know uh I don't know I just I feel like

what's going on like defies sides I don't think there's sides anymore you know what I mean it's not left it's not right it's now to me just like crazy versus sane you know it's like delusional zombie versus awake person who doesn't want to drink fluoride water like why is that a crazy thing to say and also by the way maybe there's not fluoride in every state Anthony you know you're a scientist is there fluoride everywhere I mean it's a lot of places I also grew up

Around Virginia, West Virginia, where my dad's side is from West Virginia, where DuPont put chemicals in the water. There was water that was like flammable. Just like that. I don't think it's a hot take that America should have better water.

I don't think I've lost my mind. Like, it's the same thing with, like, men versus women. It's not men versus women. It's not gay versus straight. It's cool men, cool women, cool gay, cool straight versus evil men, women, gay, straight. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's just this, if you are still on some, like, Democrats versus Republicans stuff, like, you are such a dork. Like, are you still...

Thank you for taking your time to tweet me that I'm gone right or been red-pilled. I know you're really busy playing hacky sack. I know you're really... Or kicking hacky sack? I don't even know what you call that. Like, what... I'm trying to picture the day of the person who went out of their way to go on Twitter and tell me that I've been red-pilled. Like, what else were they doing that day? Yelling at people because they didn't come to their birthday party? Like, what...

You losers. Like, what else were you doing? Like, drawing in your mustache? Like, what else were you doing? Like, are you, you're like the guy that goes to yoga class to try to like, male feminists. I'll just say it. You're that guy. You're the guy who's like, my cause is free the nipple because I care about women. Huh? Why is that the cause? My cause. When dude's like, my cause is...

breastfeeding everywhere. Normalized breastfeeding. If you want to pull your tit out, pull your tit out. Even if you don't have a baby, you should be able to breastfeed in my bedroom or whatever. I like to role play being a baby. You know the people coming for me? They're the kind of people that the dudes that go to the slut walk and they're like, I...

I am against shaming sluts. That is wrong. We need to create a safe space for sluts. And I've created one in my bedroom. If you need a safe space to be a slut, I won't shame you. Like there's just some up, some fishy about you people that are coming after me telling me I've been red pilled or that I'm like a conspiracy theorist or something. I'm also a comic, you dorks. I guess I just don't know what I am. And I don't feel pressure to take a side right now. I have notes for both sides. I don't think that

the party system is works. I don't think anything's, I think it's weird that election day is not a holiday. I think it's weird that you can take money, you have to be rich to run for office. I have so many notes with all of this, you know what I mean? So it's like, I'm not taking sides. And I, however, for people that are like, Whitney was a liberal, whatever, she woke up because she used to be a, I don't know what, I don't know what people thought I was. I guess it's because I'm in

The business I'm in, which I don't even know what business I'm in at this point. I'm in some I'm in like it's Austin in a warehouse yelling at a camera with someone sitting on the floor. I don't know what business this is. OK, but like I you have to understand that that falling being on the left before now was not you got it. And for the people that are like, I'm a Democrat and you betrayed the Democrats or whatever is happening.

It gets you. I am proud that I fell for those values at a time before, like, you know, everything was, like, being exposed and we were asking a lot of questions. Like, the left is like...

We're not racist. You're like, I'm in. They're like, we respect women. You're like, I'm listening. You know what I mean? They're like, this is the party where you can say anything. This is the party of the artists. This is the party of like, you know, the brave people, the comedians, the thinkers. That's what the Democrats were. I'm proud that I fell for that. Okay. I'm sorry.

But like, then it was like, hold on. I think that I always was like, Democrats, Democrats, because they're not racist. Like, that's what was, wherever I got that. It was like, they're not racist. You know, I don't mean like inclusivity, like forced inclusivity. I just mean like, they're not racist. Great. And then...

You're like, oh, yeah, they are putting a black woman as a candidate for president. And you're like, OK, yeah, I'm sure she's qualified for many jobs. I'm sure she's qualified for most jobs that I am so far away from even understanding the job description of. Not saying she's not qualified to be district attorney, but I don't know. I'm too dumb. I don't know. But I don't even know if she's qualified to be president. I'm not even going to say that. I do know that she could not figure out how to say something

that I could understand. Maybe my autism, my Asperger's like didn't vibe with her speech writers. I don't know. But when I watched Kabbalah talk, maybe it was just my algorithm. I couldn't understand what she was saying. I couldn't. Am I like I was like, what did she I don't know what she believes. I did truly. And especially when it's a woman.

Black woman, you're like, hold on, this person that makes absolutely no sense, forget gender and has such low approval ratings and is not effective or powerful, can't even be a good good at being a puppet.

Okay? I'm so desperate to be liked and I'm so easily programmed. I could do that. I just be like, what do I say? Tell me what to say, you guys. I will nail this. Like, I am... I know how to be on TV. I know how to be full of s***. I don't do that anymore. But I could do it. You know, you have to be able to at least...

be programmable. She wasn't even good at being programmable. It was like, can't you just memorize that? I'm reading off a prompter in Austin. I don't even know these people. Anthony's sitting on the floor. Couldn't she just get a prompter? I know they got the earpiece or whatever, but it was just like, can you not even hear the ear? Get a better earpiece guy. I mean, it was just like so embarrassing on so many levels. And it was like, hold on. So

Are you going to tell me that you guys are going to push for a black woman, the lowest rated VP, which, by the way, I didn't even know she was still the VP. I hadn't seen her in years. Where ever was she this whole time? I don't I don't know. Maybe my algorithms jacked up. I don't know. But then you're going to push to be the president. So our worst president is going to be a black woman. How is that good for women or black people? Am I insane, Anthony?

Are you? Because then it's like, well, no, you're sexist and racist if you don't vote for her. And it was like it was like and I'm not telling anyone who I vote. I mean, let's be honest. I wrote in Hoctua. I was one of the 500000 people who wrote in Hoctua, which, by the way, people want to go like they're crazy. It's like we are only options. We're crazy. My main goal for myself is to be able to change my mind when presented with new information.

do I know the information's true or not? Of course not. The truth changes every 20 seconds. You know what I mean? Science changes every 20 seconds. Like it's, I'm working out a bit about this because there's so much like, you know, like people like you're a conspiracy theorist or something right now. I don't even want to get into that. That's such a ridiculous, like sort of way to call someone crazy. Like, and all the guys though, who are upset about being called a conspiracy, they're just like, you're doing this to invalidate me. I'm like, yeah, that's,

That's guys calling us crazy. Like that's been a lot of the like being a girl is someone going, oh, you're crazy. And then there's nothing you can say after that. Like when someone calls you crazy, anything you say is going to be under, you know, like the lens of being crazy. So you can't even defend yourself because you'll come off crazy. It's like it's like as soon as that's dropped in an argument, it's like, God,

Like it's over. Same with conspiracy theorists. If someone's like you're a conspiracy theorist, you're like, no, I'm not a conspiracy theorist. It's just that if you had read the thing, there's nothing you can say after that. So it's such a way to like shut somebody down and is the most ignorant way to like shut somebody down and just be like, you're stupid. And there's also a spectrum of conspiracy theorists, too. You know, look at me talking about a spectrum.

Oh, my God. Anyway, so what I thought I would do for this episode, because I'm not in my house where I normally record my podcast, I am going to read a bunch of the jokes that I decided to cut just for time when I'm writing a roast. In which, by the way, a lot of people are like, oh, Whitney's like doing a roast. Like,

I quit doing roasts for a while. And for people that were like, where's Whitney been? Whatever. I did take some time off. I've been touring. I've been doing specials, shooting my seventh special next year. I took a minute off of the roasts. I used to do them on Comedy Central a lot. And honestly, I'll just say it. The only way I know how to say it is I just felt like they started getting really sloppy when I was doing them. And they were kind of just like

It was just like girls are whores. Black people are late. Like it was just kind of like the black people's deal. Like it just was like racist in a way that I was like, this is stop stopping being like clever. And maybe because they were just trying to do too many. I don't know.

But I did three. I did Joan Rivers, Donald Trump, like David Hasselhoff. Like I still do like roasts here and there in the comedy store, like roast battle and stuff. But I just like took a little bit of a break. And then I,

I did roasts on OFTV for free. We did meet Amber Kreischer like a couple of years ago, year and a half ago, almost. Cause I just wanted to like experiment with like, can we roast like with our hearts in the right place? Like, can we just like do this in a way that's not going to go to lowest, you know,

We're going to play to the top of everybody's intelligence and, like, also put people together that love each other and, like, only comics. Because Rose started having people that aren't comics. That never goes well. Like, it never goes well. It's just, like, throwing someone into a... I'm not trying to, like, say we're such, like, heroes or whatever, but actors, like...

We have a very specific set of skills and I don't recommend you having the childhood trauma required to be good at roasting, but it does take years and years to have a plan B, C, and D to be able to like handle what's thrown at you, to be able to handle the references you were going to get hit, be getting used before you go on. So you have to reorder everything or you have to like rewrite everything on the fly. Like it's just like a kind of a hard one, uh,

dubious honor of a skill and sometimes they'll throw like I mean Pam Anderson I've apologized for jokes twice in my career

Once was after the roast of Donald Trump. This is like 10 years. I'm sorry, the roast of David Hasselhoff. I did say to Pam Anderson, Pam, you slept with Tommy Lee, Kid Rock and Bret Michaels. Why don't you just save yourself some time and drink a vat of Magic Johnson's blood? I'm going to do my public apology here to Pam Anderson, which is it's kept me up at night for the past, you know, 10 years. I take Lunesta, I'm fine. About sitting there and hammering Pam Anderson over and over again. Now,

It, there was also like, yeah, there was like a couple more jokes about her vagina, but she had already had her own roast. So I'm like, she's used to this. She's down. She's game. She's making half a billion dollars. I'm making like $5,000. I'm like, I have to like, I'm about to get called a dumb whore. I'm about to look called, she looks like Marilyn Manson's corpse. Her throat's full of, like, I'm about to get, like, I just, I'm about to get called a dumb whore.

And another thing that happens on Rose is people cancel. They start getting scared. So you've got, like, all these people. I remember Mike Tyson was supposed to do it. I've got three pages on Mike Tyson. Willie Nelson was supposed to do it. So, like, by the time you get there, you've written all these jokes for a bunch of people that aren't going to be there. And then I'm left with, like, three pages of Pam Anderson jokes. And then, like, not as many for everybody else. But I'm like, oh, she's game. Like, she's done one of these before. And so I did apologize to her publicly, like, I don't know, like, ten years later. Because I did...

feel bad. Whatever. Maybe I shouldn't have. And the other one was the time I made fun of West Virginia because my dad's side of the family is from West Virginia. I went on the James Corden show. I made jokes about being from West Virginia and it got noisy. I went to West Virginia and apologized to them. I was like individually. I needed to be educated. One more thing I was going to say, because people that are like, when you got red pill or when you...

sometimes it just takes one incident that's like, I guess, the straw that breaks the camel's back. And mine was...

During the election, I was making fun of both sides, as comedians always should do. And I posted something about Tim Walz. Is it Waltz? Walz. Walz? Do you remember when it came out that he went to China? For the protest thing? 30 times? No, Google to check my, please check my, you know.

But let's get it right. It was more than 30 times that Tim Walz went to China. It's weird to go anywhere more than 30 times. That has Secret Family written all over it. But if you're just into the culture of China, great. 30? 30.

If he went to Cancun 30 times, I would have to talk about it. If he went to Luxembourg 30 times, I'd have to talk about it. On a teacher's salary, how do you even afford to go to China that many times? I have questions. People are so afraid of coming off racist, they won't even ask a question that is like right in front of them. What are you on alexjones.net, 4chan.org? What do you, what, what, I need to know your, I need to know your website you're looking at, Anthony. 30.

30 times. OK, so at least let's say it's 20. Let's say it's 20. That's if you're going anywhere 20 times, that's your job. That's your full time job. Like booking a flight to China on a teacher's salary. You must just love China, which is fine.

My thing, I can separate the Chinese people in the Chinese government. Anytime I'm criticizing China, it's the government, which if you're defending the Chinese government at this point, I can't help you. I can't with you. But so.

No one thinks that's wild. And then I'm like, OK, I found out he's fired from his teaching job. No one can tell me why. I believe if this is going to be the truly standing by the side of the possible leader of the free world and would be the next in line if something happened to her. Right. I'd like to know why he got fired from a high school when he was taking classes.

teenage kids to China. I have questions. Okay. And I posted something about it, a clip from the podcast where I was making fun of Tim Waltz. Pat, put it in. Drop it in. Oh, Tim Waltz. The great Waltz of China. It seems weird. I don't know what's going on with the Democratic Party that you didn't like give your VP pick a gook. Maybe ask Jeeves about the like where your VP pick traveled 60 times. 10 times is weird.

I went to China once I was like, I got it. Yeah. And they're like, yeah. Oh, no, we just didn't notice that Tim Waltz lived in Wuhan with a bunch of kids. What are we doing? Waltz has a very deep connection with China, I heard, because his parents are actually dumplings. He's like, I like taking in history and culture. His favorite part of the Chinese culture is suck Z dong.

The only thing weirder than hooking up with kids is hanging out with them. That's true. I'm confused. His best friend was a young boy at the time? Or did a young boy put Tim in the friend zone? Like, what's happening? Tim is, like, hanging out with these 14-year-old boys because they are the only ones who would take part in his favorite hobby, walking down the railroad tracks looking for a dead body.

Here's the real question. On those 60 flights to China, did you recline your seat, Tim? Shade up, shade down. Shady. Shady. Shady every which way you got it. But why China? Why not Vietnam? Why not India? Why China? We will record this until we get to the... We will sit here. We will sit...

I will turn this podcast around. And I posted on Instagram, you know when something gets 400,000 views in the first 10 minutes? It's never good. It's never like, yeah, I got in the algo. You're like, oh no, what happened? And I was getting...

I mean, unalived in the comment section. People are like, you're a conspiracy theorist. You're spreading. I'm like, no, no. This is wild. At least come out and go, hey, guys, I'm Tim Walz. I've been to China 30 times, which is a strength. Great news. I speak the language. Great news. I will know who to pick to be ambassador. Great news. I know what they're doing in terms of spying on the whatever laptops. Yeah.

You're not supposed to bring your laptop into a hotel in China is what I was advised. Like, I don't even know what to say about what he should know. But it's like, I know how to bring some manufacturing back to America and how to put tariffs on certain Chinese items. Some more stuff's made in America so you guys don't lose all your jobs even though robots are coming. Just address it and tell me why that's an asset. Because it probably is if you just let me ask. You know what I mean? But I can't even ask.

And then I took it down. I took it down. And I'm not someone that wants controversy. I don't want to like be in the comments fighting with people being like, yeah, I'm going to like, like clickbait. I know that YouTube, I know this is why I will never really be very successful in podcasting and YouTube because I don't want controversy. Like I don't like it. I don't like not knowing if people are mad at me or if I'm wrong. And I was like, I guess I'm wrong. And then I talked to a bunch of people and they're like, oh yeah, that's so weird. And everyone's like, so weird. I've been to China. Why don't you address it? And I was like,

Hold on, dude. The only thing worse than censorship is self-censorship. I was like for comics to complain about censorship, myself included. And then to self-censor was like, whoa, dude, I'm such a hypocrite. This is wild. So I I just was like, I can't do this anymore because people are going to go out of their way to intentionally misunderstand and intentionally be offended. And those people just like aren't my people.

Which is fine if you used to be my people when I did, like, network sitcoms. Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry I let you down. But, like, I don't want to mature as a person and pretend to be less mature or less brave than I am as a person, you know? And self-censoring just is, like, I don't know. Feels like it just gives you cancer. I don't know. Also, how boring. You know what I mean? Also, boring.

Tell me I'm wrong. I'm a female comedian. No one gets more hate on the internet than female comedians. I can handle it. Just say, you're wrong, here's the truth. Instead of, you're an idiot, you're a conspiracy theorist. Like, just correct me. Can you drop the link? I kept saying, like, drop the link. Can I get the right information? Where's the right information? Like...

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I'm so French.

All right. Uh, I...

I was going to start with New Year's Eve in Times Square. You guys have to stop talking about balls dropping or else the producers on Nickelodeon shows are going to tune out and we need all the viewers that we can get on CNN. Shania Twain is on the broadcast tonight. Reminds me of this year's Paris Olympics theme. Man, I feel like a woman. This year, people had to go to extreme measures to deal with a tough economy. Mobs of people raided and robbed apartment stores and groceries got so expensive, I had to de-thaw my frozen eggs to make an omelet.

It was a pretty insane year, a year where two people got stuck in space. And I'm not talking about the Trump Biden debate. In 2024, we had such a brat summer. Even Trump got his ear pierced. In 2024, the media continued to ignore the Maui wildfires. Maui's been mentioned so little. I had to ask myself, could a fire be on an Epstein client list? Ellen moved to England because Trump won. She calls her employees the C word so much that she moved to a place where it's a term of endearment.

Smart gal. Comedy's stopped being funny in 2024 out of nowhere. Things got so bad entertainment wise. We started watching the WNBA. I guess if we're forced to watch our politicians dribble, we might as well watch female athletes do it, too. I can never really figure that joke out. Our bright spot. It was we were so mentally ill in 2024. Our bright spot was seeing a baby pygmy hippo being abused at a zoo.

Dude, justice for Mudang, the Shirley Temple of the animal world. Don't get me started on Shirley Temple. Don't get me started. People got in fistfights over Stanley Cups in 2024. People got in fights on planes, except the Boeing whistleblower who lost a fight about planes. White supremacy groups reached record highs. It got so bad Ariana Grande became white again. I did do that joke, but then...

Very few people will get this. No, actually, at the end of the year, one white supremacy group took a huge hit when they lost Grace O'Malley.

The youngins will get that. This was the year the human species officially evolved past having a capacity for embarrassment. Girls started wearing stickers on their faces over zits, like blue stars, purple stars. Like when I was a teenager, you had to let the cyst ooze out on your face. Now you get to put a little yellow star over your zit. Okay. Just saying a yellow star being worn to identify something. That was Hitler's idea, guys.

I didn't bring up Hitler on New Year's Eve. I feel like that was that was a good judgment call. This was the year we realized AI is going to make us unemployed. You know, I thought the Jetsons would be the future. And you watch it back and it's like the opening George is headed to work. The Jetsons were wrong about the future, the way every episode starts.

It is weird to be in the Hollywood business right now. I heard that next year's Oscars, they're going to have to thank God and the CIA. I feel like this is the last year we're even going to have jobs in Hollywood. Maybe I don't even think it's because of AI. I think it's just because I'm in an industry where most people will be arrested by 2026. This is the year people just broke. I feel like this was the year that we all like had to just say it. You know, we all had to get something off our chest. And I'm not just talking about Elliot Page.

People moved a podcast to assess presidential candidates. A podcast called Bussin' with the Boys was thanked for helping Trump get elected. If you don't know what it is, it's two athletes. They blather on about nothing in a bus. They play fart noises for two hours. Rosa Parks dealt with less annoying white guys on her bus.

But they did do a better job than establishment media. The establishment media is so biased. They made sure the MSG rally with Tony Hinchcliffe seemed like the most disastrous Trump rally. And there was one where Trump got shot in the head. Like, I don't I mean, maybe it did end up being the worst one because we had to hear P. Diddy's ex-girlfriend give a speech about it. But the other one, two people died. Can we not? It was a lot. Yeah.

I have notes for Trump, too, mainly that why was Kid Rock? Why is he in your group hanging out at the MMA fights? Like Trump doesn't like Mexicans, but he hangs out with someone that looks like they put sunglasses on the Taco Bell dog. Can we not with with Kid Rock, please? I'm pretty sure Kid Rock was the original name of Epstein Island. Let's just not. Oh, gosh. I was also going to try to roast every major city in America, but there was just kind of no time.

So here's the ones that I've written out. Washington, D.C., where I spent a lot of time as a kid. I can I can go after D.C. D.C. The tourism is so boring. Everything has a lawn. It has so many lawns because the politicians are basically free range criminals. How does this work? I mean, I love the idealism, like moving to D.C. at this point because you believe in American politics is like moving to the North Pole because you like want to help Santa with his toys. Like it's just D.C. is so dorky, dude. Like the Washington Monument.

Obviously shaped like a d*** even though the Capitol building is the one that's f***ing us. Each politician obsessed with our forefathers has a fear of a child being raised by forefathers. Let's be honest. It's a city full of politicians and they're such losers too. D.C. is full of so many losers I'm surprised they haven't passed a bill requiring everyone to come to my birthday party.

I don't know. D.C. Look, I've always thought the D.C. sports like weird names, the commanders, the nationals, the Washington Wizards. Are these sports teams or sectors of the Klan? Like, can we get some better names? And what's going to come for the West Coast, too? I mean, how can you not make fun of California right now?

California, where the cars get charged, but Diddy doesn't. San Francisco is a mess. Who needs a key to the city when breaking and entering is legal? San Francisco, where the bars close early, but if you want to get hammered late, go to Paul Pelosi's. San Francisco is famous for San Francisco sourdough, which is an accurate depiction of Nancy Pelosi's tits at this point. San Francisco...

The problem with a progressive and violent city is you never know if a guy just got stabbed or if he's just having his period. I think that's why they struggle with crime there. I don't know. Las Vegas. I do love Vegas. I am going to be performing there in May, but I can also make fun of it. I'm not saying that going to Vegas to get married by Elvis is childish, but Elvis did marry a child. Priscilla was 14. I'm sorry. David Copperfield, what a loser. I don't even have a joke for that. You're a loser. Yeah.

Sorry. Serge Isolay, I do love. Serge Isolay's business model is crazy. They're like, circuses, let's replace lions and tigers with moose knuckles and camel toes. Hats off. Smart. Austin, Texas, where I am now. I mean, look, I love Austin, but it's a city where emotional vampires brag about having bats. Like, the irony. And I think that you guys and your bats is actually mostly because all the guys here play wiffle ball, you dorks.

When in Austin, you get so many dorks. The city is now covered in like scooters and bikes because so many of you have DUIs. Like you have people using handlebars because they literally couldn't handle bars. You're homeless. OK, you're homeless people. You guys call them forts. You're like they're in forts. What? They're crack dens. They're not forts. Stop pretending it's a little rascals meeting. Can we? These are zombies that will eat your dog's face off in a. I don't know. I do like Austin locals, though.

Austin has more L.A. transplants than that surgeon who killed Kanye's mom. Sorry. There was some stuff I couldn't corroborate enough. I talked to a couple of my friends that are, like, journalist journalists who, like, also follow, like, independent journalists who know. And I was like, is this checkout? Does this checkout? People did think, though, that I said when I said, um,

The Trump shooter didn't have any silverware in his house. I said it pretty fast and people thought I said Chuck Schumer. So Chuck Schumer not having silverware in his house, that is definitely a conspiracy theory, but that's not what I said. I feel like Chuck Schumer has a lot of silverware. I feel like it's monogrammed. I feel like it's, you know, got it's a family heirloom. I feel like there's a lot of silverware. And then I said, how come so many chefs of presidents are dead or something? Did you know that reference or not?

the obama the obama chef but also one of the clinton chefs died on a hike oh nice you know you know how people just fall over on a hike and die too that's that's just one of those things where you're just like maybe it's did you ever watch the staircase the the documentary the staircase

Okay, so the documentary The Staircase is a big part of what has formed me as a human. It's a documentary about a guy who may or may not have pushed not one but two wives down a flight of stairs. Okay, so

I'm going to try not to laugh at that. It's a documentary where in the beginning you're like, that guy's guilty. That guy is so guilty because he's really arrogant. It ultimately becomes like a Rorschach test of like what you would have done. Because like what people think happened is a total reflection of who they are. Like that's how hard it is to figure out what's what. And so I think it was the owl. You know me. I think it was the owl. Owl theory all the way. So...

You find out at the end of the first episode, though, that he's gay. And then you're like, he was married to a woman. And you're like, he definitely did it. And that's what I did. And I was like, I totally just realized my bias. Like, just because he's gay, he pushed his wife down this. Like, I just think gay men just push women down this. Like, because they're known for their brute. They're not like, like, why did my brain go there? That was so ignorant. You know what I mean? And so.

I was like, oh, no, no, no. Oh, because he lies. He lied about being gay. It wasn't about the being gay part. It wasn't about the penises and the butts. It was about, oh, got it. Like, and then I had to question the way that I make assumptions, you know? And then I kept watching and I was like, nah, I think this guy is arrogant. I think he's a narcissist. I think he was a sh** husband. I think he's a liar. But I just don't think he's a murderer. And I just...

He seems really smart. I think if he was going to kill his wife, he would do it in a way cleaner, more sophisticated. I just don't think this is I'm sure he would kill his wife. I just don't think this is how he did it. I think and maybe I'm projecting because I grew up around a drunk mom who fell a lot. I'm like, I think she was drunk. They never had a toxicology report. And I think the owl came in and there were owl feathers in her hair and there were talon marks on her head while but they wouldn't admit that evidence because you have to admit evidence in a certain amount of time.

There's a bag of owl feathers. And dude, Google owl bombing, owls bombing humans in South Carolina, dude. They are birds of prey. They calm down and they just straight up try to eat your head, dude. It's wild. We just have, we have like jaguars with wings in the sky, dude. And so I think that's what happened. The second woman that fell down the stairs, then you find out another woman he was with fell down this, sorry, it's just like,

It is slapstick. I mean, it is literally slipping on a banana peel. And so, you know, comedians were emotionally dyslexic. We have to laugh at horrible things. My dad's funeral, I was literally dying laughing. So...

I can't explain the second one, but when you go, oh, dude, here's the thing. Let's say he did push the first one down the stairs. Then he's definitely not going to push the second one down the stairs. The second one's going to be a poisoning. It's going to be he goes for a hike. You know, it's going to be he goes paddle boarding in Nantucket or whatever. He's...

Just because someone kills people doesn't mean they're dumb. You know what I'm saying? Like, smart people... So I just am interested in the assumptions that we jump to when we're trying...

You just want him to have done it. Like, which is fine if you just want that to be that. But like to me, okay, whether you push her down the stairs the first time or not, there's a dead woman in your house and you were married to her. I feel like after that, anytime a woman's in your staircase, you're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, could you just hold the banister? Hey, could you just, could you, could you just crab walk down backwards, please? And I actually believe this to be even more true because not just my assumption, but

Amanda Knox is a friend of mine. And during the pandemic, you know, she was accused of... She went to jail for a murder she did not commit in Italy. And everyone thought she did it just because she was hot and they wanted to see her on magazines more, basically. And she's a star, I'll tell you. And she...

she came and stayed with me because during the pandemic and was like, you couldn't get hotels in L.A. And she came to my podcast in L.A. And we were staying in this a rental that had this weird like step down. And I'm like klutz. I just and I was smoking a lot of weed at the time. It's before I got sober. Weed became legal in L.A. and comedians couldn't tour. The pandemic was hard on workaholics. I also had bad

blue hair. It was just a whole shit show. And so I'm with Amanda Knox and I'm walking down this like little step and I tripped and fell and she just went, Oh God, please don't die around me. And it was like so real. And it was so instant that when you've already been accused of a crime, I'm not saying she committed a crime. Had he, you're going to be like super, you're gonna make sure nobody dies near you for like the rest of your life. You know what I'm saying? So I

It's weird because it's like the same thing that's happening with Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively is that when people act like this, the reason you believe them and the reason we go like, oh, Blake Lively must be telling the truth is the odds of him doing it seem higher than the odds of her completely destroying herself and her family forever. And like,

hurting every woman that is telling the truth. You're just kind of like, oh, no, no, no, no. Like no one would act. It was like Amber Heard. You're like, well, she must be right because who would you're to spend like years of your life embarrassing yourself. And but he's got kids. He's got a daughter. You're not going to say he gives a grape. I think that he great like he's got a daughter. Like you wouldn't do that to someone's relationship with their daughter. You know what I mean? And then you're like, oh, wait.

I'm not weighing on the Amber Heard thing at the moment. I could do that all day long. But the thing I did an episode, a couple episodes about it when it happened. And because you know how obsessed with that I was. My dog was stung by a bee. My dog stepped on a bee. Oh, a white woman's dog gets stung by a bee. Everybody has got to just stop. If my dog was stung by a bee, you're going to jail. Everyone is on notice.

My dog, my inbred terrier was stung by a bee. You know how hard it is to get stung by a bee, by the way? The dog was trying to off itself. Like the dog, like dog, you don't get, it is so hard to get stung by a bee. You have to like, it's like a rattlesnake. I was like, I got bit by a rattlesnake. I'm like, how hard did you try to get bit by that rattlesnake? Like they don't want to bite. Bees die when they sting you. They don't want to sting you. It's your fault. I'm victim blaming. Yes, I am. Yes, I actually am. Um,

So it's like the odds. And I've seen this in other places, too. The odds of her. By the way, also because you're like, no, she filed this two days before Christmas. That's the thing that no one's talking about, about the like lobby thing. It's Christmas. You can't wait till January 1st to do this. So because it was an 80 page document. So you spent all your Thanksgiving working on this and then you timed it to happen on Christmas. Yeah.

Well, okay. If Blake Lively's a liar, if she's a bully, fine. But you're not gonna... You don't have Christmas cheer?

You're going to, you made all of our Christmas be about you. Okay? It should have been about Santa. It should have been about presents. It should have been about Nog. It should have been about rewrapping gifts as quickly as you can to re-gift them. It should have been about fighting with our families. Not watching mommy and daddy fight. A bunch of millionaires fight over breastfeeding in a trailer. Also, who breastfeeds?

There's time for that. I tried. I did. I got like three months. The point is, it's like, you know, the concept of the big lie, the big lie where you tell a lie that's so big that people believe it because it's

you must be telling the truth because you would never get away with it. So like, you know what I mean? It's that. It's like her going like, oh, well, this must be true because why would someone accuse someone of sexual harassment two days before Christmas if it wasn't really important? You know, she must be right. Because otherwise she, I have to entertain the fact that this person is like dangerously crazy and a level of like narcissistic that I personally can't,

I don't want a no exists in the world. I'm just going to go denial. I would like the easy solution. He's a douche. She's a victim. I'd like to enjoy my Christmas, please. I can't take on that there's like new levels of sociopath that I've not experienced. Like I can't take on the existence of more sociopaths at the moment. You know, I think that's part of what we do. It's like when someone does something so outrageous, you're like, well, her dog must have died from the bee sting, right?

Wait, no? Wait, the dog? Whoa, whoa. Wait, the dog survived? And we're in Virginia at a court case? Or like, I mean, that was Amber Heard when she said, like, I got out of an abusive marriage. And she said, well, I didn't name him. And you're like, but you said you're married. You've only been married one time. Hold on. This is, and this is what I get annoyed. Okay, I just figured it out. The whole New Year's Eve thing, all the...

I'm, you can make a fool of yourself. You can lie. You can do, I can't, that's not illegal. I think there's like a naivete that I'm glad that I have. You know, I'm happy for a lot of the people that are like, yeah, Blake Lively must be telling the truth. Like, I hope so. I don't know. I obviously don't know yet. When this comes out, maybe there'll be more stuff, but.

Your default being like, no one's that crazy. I mean, I grew up around that kind of crazy. So I have a lot of proof that it exists. But I guess my brain has a hard time believing it's like so much of it exists. And all right. Well, this is what it is. I'm going to go write some jokes because I'm touring this year. 2025, new dates on WendyCummings.com. I love you guys. Don't ride elephants. Goodbye. ♪♪♪