Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Woohoo!
Happy Thursday. Welcome back, hot messers, messy Marvins. I don't know what to call you guys. We need to come up with a name. Today's probably the most like highly requested topic ever. And you guys severely need some help when it comes to toxic boyfriends, toxic relationships, first loves. So I thought I would tell you about mine. ♪♪♪
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Don't forget to subscribe and follow this podcast so you guys get notifications about it because we are going to be having a pretty insane, crazy month. I am traveling. Okay, let's go over this. I'm traveling from New York to Miami to London to Germany to Miami to
to a secret spot to Miami, to Chicago, to Miami, to Las Vegas, and then to Jersey. Obviously you guys are coming everywhere with me, so I need you to subscribe and follow so that you guys can stay updated and come with me everywhere and that we could keep this show rolling and rolling, rolling my suitcase around everywhere, bringing it international. So who all has gotten their heart broken before?
You're raising your hand right now. Who's gotten cheated on? A lot of you guys are raising your hand. Huh? How could this happen? Well, because...
I think that a lot of guys can be shitty out there and this is a sad reality, but we need to go over it because we need to talk about getting cheated on. We need to let it flow. We need to let it go. I'm so excited to sit down and talk with you guys about this today because I don't think I've ever really gotten this off my chest before online. I don't think we've ever discussed this.
I think as long as anyone's ever known me online, I've been pretty heartless in that era. And this was my Dolulu girl in love era. I had my blinders on. I was like, he's cheating on me, but he loves me. It's okay.
Oh, baby, we're going to get into it today. We are going to talk about my first boyfriend, and this dates back all the way to me being a junior in high school. I had experienced my first love. I was very different than I am now. I was very naive, and I dated this guy. He was two years older than me, and his name was Trey.
Chad. That's what we're gonna call him on here. So Chad was always the life of the party and I forget exactly how I met him but I knew that he would comment on a lot of my Instagram posts and I started to notice him. He was like a popular guy I guess in my town and
He was very like loud and outgoing and that's always something that I'm like attracted to in a guy. So I don't know. He also was like my type and I was like, you know what? This is perfect. I have a crush on this guy. We started hanging out and this was going into my junior year of high school. I'm spending my summer hanging out with this guy. I really liked him. I had a huge crush on him and I just thought he was like the coolest guy in the world and
looking back now at like the things we would talk about and what we bonded over I'm still unsure of but like I just thought he was very cool and fun and he was older than me so I was like oh my gosh you know like he is a king and I was obsessed with him but there was just clear flags of like why I should not have been obsessed with him like I would literally go to hang out with this guy and he would be
passed out sleeping or like somewhere with his friends I remember I would sit on his porch and be like hello like I'm here I'm at your house and he would like not answer me I would sit on his front porch for like an hour and a half and then like go home and I was like he's the love of my life so
As summer came to an end, we're going back to school. I'm going into my junior year of high school, but he was starting his freshman year of college. So he was two years older than me. And being the cool, chill girl that I was trying to be, I was like, you know what? We don't need to date. Like we can just do this sort of open relationship.
Which props to me, I think, for saying like I'm going to give him space and like he should go to college and have fun. But I also was talking to him 24-7 and like,
We were going on trips together. Like it wasn't really as chillaxed as like I had made it seem. And I think that was a little bit confusing for me, especially when I was so young and this was like my first real boyfriend. So he goes off to college and basically our agreement was that
I guess he could get with other girls and see other people, but we wouldn't really like talk about it. And we would just continue, you know, hanging out when we could hang out and see each other when we could see each other. But that like we didn't have to stress too much about like the actual dating part. Oh boy, this is where things get a little messy. So here I am, 16 years old, and I'm starting this open relationship with this guy in college. And
And he went to a pretty big school. He was rushing in a fraternity. And I just had no idea about any of this college stuff that went on because I was like so little. And he would talk about like, oh, I'm I'm rushing this frat. I can't talk to you like that.
we would go like a few days without talking. And like, I was like, wow, like he's rushing a fraternity. Like he cannot talk to me. This is the coolest thing ever. And I like let him kind of just be a little bit manipulative to me because I was like so young and I don't know, I didn't know. And I really experienced my first love with this guy. And I think it's
A lot of people can relate that your first love, you are super like head over heels. You don't think they could do anything wrong to you. Like, you know, completely blindsided if something goes wrong and they are just like your world. Like I...
have never really been like dependent on a guy, but I feel like I was like dependent on him for like being a part of me and like making me feel good and giving me a confidence boost. And I remember he would go out to parties and wouldn't answer me. And I would sit there like bawling my eyes out in bed. Like I was so distraught. Like I would get physically sick over this guy not answering me because I was just so like,
enamored with him and enamored with this relationship and this feeling of love I guess that I felt and I wasn't even being treated correctly but I didn't even realize that in my mind this guy was perfect he was the love of my life he did everything right I just thought I had found my soulmate and that was gonna be it I never needed to date anyone else and
And it's just so crazy because I think when you experience your first love, you just think of it this way. Like you don't see anything wrong. You're just like, oh, okay, like I have this amazing feeling and I'm just going to stick with this person and like everything is going to be perfect.
And it's so crazy because this was when I was 16 years old. So I'm like, I don't even think I knew myself at this point. Like, I don't even think I knew who I fully was. And this relationship turned toxic very fast. I obviously was in this sort of open relationship, long distance relationship with Chad. And Chad was off at school, off at college, having fun and everything.
you know, I don't know. I think back now and I'm like, why did he even like lead me on like this? Like you're in college, you're across the country, you're having fun. Like what, like what is the point of this? I think we would say, I love you at this point. Like it was, it was pretty serious in my mind and maybe not so much in Chad's, but yeah,
Chad came home for the holidays and, you know, he's wrapping up his first semester of college. I'm so happy he's back in town. And Chad is going out to this party. And
Chad did not invite me to go to this party with him and I was like wait I haven't seen you all semester you're finally back at home like I'm so excited to see you and he didn't invite me to go out with him but you know you always make excuses for them when it's like a toxic relationship I'm like oh well he just really wants to be with his friends like that's okay like you know it's it's no problem like this party's with his friends like he doesn't need to invite me
Not great, Alex. Not great. I would never think this way now. But I was just like, okay, well, whatever. He doesn't want to see me. He's going to this other party. Flash forward the next week in school, in my high school, I sit next to this girl in my class who was at the party with Chad.
And she has a big ass hickey on her neck, like huge. And I was like, huh? I was like, okay, like whatever. And people started to talk because they're like, oh my gosh, like XYZ has a hickey. Like what happened? So I hear from people around school that the guy that she had made out with was Chad. And I was like, wait, I'm,
Not sure it was my Chad because my Chad was just having fun with his friends at this party. Like he did not mean anything wrong by this. Like he didn't do anything. And it turns out it was Chad. I think I even ended up seeing like a picture or a photo of
Oh boy. So Chad comes over to my house, you know, Chad the cheater comes walking through the door and he's like, I love you so much, baby. Like this had nothing to do with you. Like, I don't know. It was a drunk kiss. Like it didn't mean anything. Like, don't worry. Like I didn't invite you to the party because it was older people. Like, don't worry. And I was so furious and like so upset, but
You're also so upset that like someone wouldn't put you first and like wouldn't like you so um
I don't know. I would just like forgive him because I think when you're at that point in these relationships, like you just want to hold on to the fact that like someone could love you and someone could care about you so much and prioritize you. And then when they do something to betray you, you just really want to hold on to the words that they're saying, you know, but actions speak louder than words. And Chad was being mischievous, but I was like, okay, it's fine. Like,
You know what? He loves me. He's telling me he loves me. So that means he loves me. No, no, no.
You know, you can't always trust everything, sadly, that your supposed boyfriend is telling you. So I could see how some people may be confused right now because you're like, wait, you have an open relationship with Chad and then he gets with someone and you're like so mad and distraught. This is because he was home for the holidays and our like open relationship deal was basically while he was like away at school and like not with me because Chad
he just so badly needed to get with people. And I was like, I understand that for you. Oh, Alex. So I was upset about this one because I'm like, you're at a party 10 minutes from my house making out with another girl when I'm right here and you didn't even invite me to the party. So that's OK. Probably big red flag mishap number one. But we keep going. I'm like, me and Chad are in love. We're visiting each other's families for the holidays.
And Chad invites me to go on a family trip with him over New Year's on like a ski trip. And I was like, okay, this is sounding great. Like things are getting serious. Chad really, really cares about me. Like he invited me to a family vacation. And, you know, this is my first boyfriend. This is like the first time a guy's ever invited me on a trip. And like we're so young at this point. Like obviously we're going with his family. But this was a big deal in my mind. Like I was shocked.
so excited for this trip so we went up to Vermont with his family who I loved his family this was another part of the relationship for me like I loved his family they were so nice I feel like I was close with them and like besides him being you know shitty sometimes I was like but he has a really great family too and like I like to hang around them so like that's important to me
So we go on this ski trip and night one of the ski trip, things went downhill very, very fast.
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We get to the little cabin, we have a great day with his family, and we go to bed. And the room we were in had bunk beds, so I was on the bottom bed and Chad, the cheater, was sleeping on the top bed. I'm like getting my anger out right now. This is very therapeutic for me. And also, this is something I've never like talked about before online or anything. We're gonna get there. Okay, shut up, Alex.
So, I'm down below on the bottom bunk, Chad the Cheater's up top, and we go to sleep. I have a nightmare about him, like, getting with his ex-girlfriend, and it woke me up in the middle of the night, and I was like, oh, okay, weird, go back to bed. I have another nightmare about him getting with his ex-girlfriend. I was like, oh, okay, that's weird, go back to bed. I have a third dream about something to do with his ex-girlfriend, and mind you, I had never, like,
Thought anything of the ex-girlfriend. I knew they had dated but I never thought that there was anything like going on I was never worried about her like this came fully I think from the What's it called?
from the gods trying to get me out of this relationship, putting these dreams in my head. And they were like, girl, get out of here. Like this was like some psychic power that came over me. And I know you probably don't believe me right now, but like, I don't know any other way to explain it other than like these dreams came out of nowhere. And I had three in a row about this very specific girl. And I was like, what the fuck is going on?
So I wake up from the third dream and I'm like so uneasy. It's like five in the morning. I'm like, I can't sleep. Like what's happening? And I think this is like a sign of your body telling you when like something is just not right.
And I don't know. I don't know. You guys are like, what witchcraft is Alex talking about right now? Because I really was a psychic in this moment and I had never gone through his phone before. I had never thought to go through his phone. But in this moment, I was like, I need to double check that this guy is not talking to his ex-girlfriend. I think I knew his password just from like seeing him put it in.
And I don't think I've ever gone through a guy's phone before. I think this was my first time snooping. Going through a guy's phone is never good. I haven't done it in a minute, but every time you do it, it turns out horribly. You're never going to find something you want to see on there. So this was Big Al's first experience going through a guy's phone and finding...
Stuff she did not want to see. So I'm going through his phone and I'm searching up her name and I don't see anything. And then all of a sudden I'm typing in the search bar on text messages and I'm typing in her name. I don't see anything. And then I'm like, okay, context clues. Like what can I say here? I said like hot or like something. I see a contact. It's called X, the letter X. And this guy, my boyfriend, Chad had been talking to her
For like four months, every day, they're sending nudes back and forth. They're sexting. And I'm sitting here scrolling and seeing this all. And I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's telling her he loves her. And I'm like, what? Like, this is my boyfriend. Like, what is going on?
I see that he sent her nudes on my birthday and was like, I love you so much. I miss you so much. I'm going to try and see you while I'm home on my birthday. And I'm sitting here in disbelief, like looking at my phone like,
You know when you go through a guy's phone and you find something you don't want to see There's like the pit in my stomach like I felt like I was going to pass out throw up die I was like what is going on right now? Like I thought I was still dreaming. I was like pinch me I need to wake up because this is just not the chad that I know like chad's in love with me Why would he be talking to this other girl for like four months? and
I, in this moment, did not want to get lied to. And I wanted to make sure I had the proof. So I get out my phone. I'm screen recording months of messages between him and this ex-girlfriend. And, oh my God, the things I saw, I was just so distraught. I mean...
It was not not okay what was going on. So I go back to bed. I'm like, I don't know what to do. I'm shaking. This is my first night of the vacation with his family. I have four more to go. Like, what am I going to do? I'm trapped here. I can't go home. I don't want to tell him and make it a big deal right now. So I go back to bed. I'm like,
you know what, it's fine. I'm just going to wake up and pretend like nothing happened. And we'll discuss this when we get home from the vacation. The next day I wake up on this vacation and we're going about our day. Chad's looking at me like, what's wrong? Because I'm not really good at hiding my emotions. Like you can kind of tell when I'm upset, even if I'm saying that I'm not. So he's like, is something wrong? Like, what did I do? I was like, oh, nothing. Like, it's all fine.
Chad and I are on the ski lift together and he looks at me and he says, did you go through my phone last night? Whoopsies. I was like, no. Like, what are you talking about? No, I didn't go through your phone. Like, why would why would you think that?
But Chad gave himself up in this moment because he was guilty and he knew he was guilty and he knows that I snooped through his phone. We get back from the ski day. We're sitting in the room and at this point, Chad knew that like I had gone through his phone and he knows that I've seen everything.
So I tell Chad, like, look, this is what I saw. What the fuck? What are you doing? What's going on? And he said to me, my ex has just been so upset. You know, she's so distraught. She's in such a bad place mentally that like, I feel bad not talking to her and not responding to her. And dumbass Alex was thinking in my head, I was like, that makes sense. That does. That makes sense. Yeah.
What the fuck, Alex? Like I literally was so blinded by this guy and so dumb that I was like, this does make sense that he would be sexting his ex for months because she's upset and he's a good guy and he wants to make sure she feels better.
But I wasn't that dumb because I knew that it wasn't right. Even though I thought that he really was only doing it to make her feel better because he was a nice guy and he loved me. I was just like, that's not right. So the trip ends. We're home. We're back in Jersey. And I was like, hey, Chad, this isn't going to work out. Go have a fun second semester at school. But like, I'm not going to be a part of your life anymore. Good.
Good job, Alex. Right? She did good. She left him. But then, I think like a month later, we got back together. Oh, whoopsies. So Chad has done some thinking. So he says...
I'm gonna be a better person. I've changed. I've taken the month to reflect. I was like, okay, I believe you. I love you. Let's get back together. So now we're in Chad's spring semester, his second semester of his freshman year, and things are going great. I think we're back together. We still have the open relationship policy. I was like, he's at school. He clearly needs to like have his fun. So that's okay with me. And you know, things were going well in my eyes.
but looking back now and thinking about just the things that he said to me and the way he would talk down to me, especially because I was younger and so impressionable, it's just so toxic and it's just, it was not a healthy relationship. I thought that it was a very healthy relationship, but I don't think any cheating happened in this era that I know of. Fast forward,
We're still hanging out. We're still going on trips together with our families. He's home for the summer. We have another great summer at home. And now Chad is going back to his sophomore year of college, and I am going into my senior year of high school. And now that I'm a senior in high school, I'm going to be a senior in high school.
I think my parents were a little bit more open to the idea of me going to visit him at college because before they were like, okay, you're a junior in high school. Like you shouldn't be going to college parties. Like that's a little bit much for you. But now I've been dating this guy for like a year and you know, they know him very well. They know his family very well. And they were like, you know what? We're pretty fine with you like going to visit him at school.
He would always put up such a hard time whenever I wanted to come visit him. It was like, uh, I don't know. Or like I would come with his family and then we wouldn't do anything. Like we wouldn't go out. I wouldn't meet any of his friends. Like I wouldn't do anything. And I just thought that was normal. I was like, oh, okay. He doesn't want to like go to parties while I'm here. He doesn't want me to meet his friends. Like that's fine with me. Like he just wants to spend time with me.
stupid and that's another thing that I just in the moment didn't realize was like a toxic thing that he like Had not really introduced me to anyone or if he did it was his close guy friends and we would sit in like a dorm room and hang out like I never got to go out and I was like
being hidden, basically, because I don't think he wanted anyone to know that he, like, had a girlfriend. And I was just so blinded at the time. I didn't see it. I was just happy to be dating Chad, the love of my life, the guy I was gonna marry. Flash forward, we're in the second semester of Chad's sophomore year, second semester of my senior year of high school, and Chad comes to me
After a year and a half of college, a year and a half of fucking around, he looks at me and he's like, you know what? I've had my fun at school. I've experienced everything. I'm really over it. Like, I don't see the need to like go out and get with random girls. Like, I really just want to be with you.
I'm seeing gold and sparkles and butterflies and ponies, rainbows. It's a happy day. He finally wants to be in a committed relationship with me. No more open relationship. I'm like, this is the best day of my entire life. So Chad and I agree on this now. Very serious relationship. We're like a year and a half into dating. No more open relationship.
No more open relationship. We're just really we're tying it down. We're sealing the knot like this is where things are going to get really serious now ladies If you're gonna let a guy Be in an open relationship and get with other girls And then you're gonna turn to dating him and be like, okay, never mind the open relationships over his habits Probably aren't gonna change because I went back to jersey. He's out of school and
Chad the cheater, just I continued on his ways getting with girls, but I had no idea. Like, I didn't know of this at the time. I was like, he's being loyal. We're finally like together. This is very serious. And he was still going out, getting with girls. And I had no idea because I think setting the precedent for a relationship, if you're going to let someone like
go out and do those things. And then a year and a half later, you're like, oh, never mind. Like, that's not OK. I think in their mind, they're like, well, it's not as bad because I could have done it for like a year and a half. So like, what's the harm in a little this or a little that or just like it's definitely not healthy. And I had no idea that Chad was being unloyal at this time.
So Chad invites me to come to his school formal. So I'm like, I've made it at this point. I'm dating this guy. Like he's not going out and getting with girls anymore. He wants me to come to a school formal, which means I'm going to go out with him. I'm going to meet people. I'm going to meet his girlfriends, his guy friends. Like things are serious and things are amazing. And we are in love. And I...
Trek on over. I get on a flight. We go to his formal. I met all of his friends and I just can't help but like look back and think now like, were these girls looking at me like, oh my gosh, this bitch has no idea that like she's just getting cheated on every day. And like she thinks she's in this great relationship. And like half of us have probably gone with Chad. I'm just like, oh, it's so embarrassing because I went there fully being like, this is my husband. Like, oh my gosh, we're in love.
And I've seen this on the other end of the spectrum where guys in college that I was friends with would have girlfriends from back at home or long distance girlfriends and they would cheat on them at school and the girlfriend would come and visit. And I'm like, holy fuck, like someone has to tell this girl like your boyfriend's really not being so loyal to you. Like it's just such a awkward situation.
And I'm just like, why at this point? Like, just don't be in a relationship. Like, just stop misleading the girls and stop telling them you want to be with them. Just like cut it off. Like, have some balls. And, you know, like if you want to be going out and being a sleuth, then like say that like you don't need to be
strictly tied down in this relationship like especially when you're in college if you don't want to be that's fine I'm not saying that you have to be but like don't be misleading and like tell other people that you then want to be with them and that you know they love you so much because they don't love you or they wouldn't be doing that and lying to your face so I go to Chad's formal we have a great time and I think at this point he is done with his sophomore year of college and
We're back home for another summer in Jersey and I had just graduated high school. I find out that I'm going to the University of Miami. I don't really remember what my like mentality was with me going to college. If I thought that like we were going to date or if we were going to be in an open relationship, I don't.
really remember but I don't think we ever got like to that pressing of time because of the following situation so Chad has a family party we go there we have a great time and he blacks out he's like passed out in his bed and I was there alone and like stuck with like all of his friends and I was like I kind of want to just like go home and I think for some reason I
Oh, I left my phone at work that day So I didn't have a phone for this party because I I left it Um when I was locking up the store and I like couldn't go back to get it So i'm alone in chad's house chad's like snoring in the bed. His friends are there I'm, like I would like to go home. So I go on chad's phone to call myself an uber to leave Oh, no
Here we go again. Because I'm on the phone, I'm like, well, would it be that bad if I just went through it a little bit? Like, let me just do some housekeeping.
uh like i don't my my stance on going through the phone is so controversial because i'm like one that's so bad and you shouldn't go through someone's like private information but also like well if i didn't go through the phone then how would i know or not know that they were cheating on me like oh my god so i go on his phone and i do the same thing i go to the message search bar and i type in like hot
And all of a sudden, all these texts come up with like him and his friends on spring break. And he's like calling these girls hot at college. And I was like, like, whatever. That's annoying.
So I go home the next day i'm talking to chad and my vibe was off again because I was like annoyed that he was calling girls hot It was like well now we're in this committed relationship and like you said you weren't gonna get with anyone else But i'm like, why are you calling these girls hot? Like that's so weird I had started to get a little bit of confidence at this time because I was like, you know what? I'm getting older. I was finding myself a little bit more. I was like i'm going to college like you know what? I'm also cool. Like I can stand up for myself and I tell chad
And this was a little bit of a toxic thing that I did, but this is a trick for anyone who needs to catch someone. I just told him, I know what you did on spring break. Having no clue, having, I didn't think he did anything. I just was like, I just want to see if he'll say something. So I say to Chad, I know what you did on spring break. And he says to me, I'm so sorry.
no, that was not the response I was looking for. I was like, well, shit. Like, well, what do you, what do you mean? So I'm like trying to like sit there and be like, we will have a discussion about this. And I'm like, well, fuck I'm texting my friends. I'm like, wait a minute. I think he just owned up to like cheating on me, but I don't know. And like, I have no idea what he did on spring break. So I'm sitting down with him and we're having a conversation and I'm like,
how did this happen? Like, how did that happen? And he starts explaining to me basically that he got with this girl on spring break. I mean, I'm bawling my eyes out at this point. Like, I'm saying this, like, it's a funny story, but like in the moment, like I was completely heartbroken. Like I truly, truly thought that Chad had been over his time of like,
getting with girls, being like a little bit mischievous. Like he, you know, loved me so much and I was so excited to finally be with him. And now I'm finding out that like he has just been lying to me and I was like sick to my stomach crying. Like I couldn't even get like
words out of my mouth. It was the kind of crying you have boogers all over your face and I like couldn't catch my breath. It was not cute cry. Chad was also crying at this point because he was like, oh, fuck me. Chad was like, I think I've fucked up one too many times here because at this point, like I was I've had a fucking enough. I was like, OK. So then another little toxic trick, toxic tricks up my sleeve, one that I pulled out this
Second time this day, I said, okay, you know what? You cheated on me, but I will forgive you. I understand. You were on spring break. That happens.
I just want to know now because if I find out anything else in the future, then we're going to have to break up. I will stay with you right now, but I just want to know that this was the only time during the semester that you had gotten with someone else while we were supposed to be exclusive. So Chad, being the dumbass that he is, thinks that I'm being serious right now and will stay with him if he tells me that he cheated on me other times. And he looks at me and he says...
you know what? It happened a few other times as well. So at this point I knew I was like, it's gotta be, it's gotta be done. Like it's gotta be over. I looked at him and this is like the love of my life. Like I never thought that I would have another boyfriend after this. And like the feeling of heartbreak that I felt in this moment, like still to this day is like by far the worst feeling I've ever felt. Like when it comes to a heartbreak and,
I was like, you know what? Get out of my house. I looked at him. I was like, I'm done. Like, get out. Like, I want nothing to do with you. And now Chad is bawling his eyes out. And like...
I don't know like why is it kind of funny when guys cry like I was so upset in this moment and I think he started crying and I kind of like like laughed to myself like in my head I was like wait like I don't know because I'm just like fuck you like you made me cry for two years and now you're crying like it made me a little happy to see him cry I don't know if that's toxic to say too but whatever so Chad's crying I'm like get out of my house like I don't ever want to see you again and
And the thing about breaking up with someone that's like toxic and cheating on you is that you know that that's like the right choice, but that doesn't mean that it's the easy choice. Like,
All I wanted to do was just like give him another chance again chad's getting a 12th chance over here and like Just continue our relationship because I just want to hear the good things that he's saying to me Like I want him to tell me how beautiful I am I want him to tell me how happy I make him and you know How lovely I am and like I I don't want those things to go away because having a boyfriend is kind of like
a comfort person. It's like a teddy bear, like a blanket. You like you don't want to like let it go because it's comfortable to you and they make you feel good because that's, you know, what they're supposed to be there for. But when it gets to a point that like they're disrespecting you, you know, you have to let it go. And I stood up for myself in this moment. I was like, you know what? This doesn't feel right. I've never said this to him before, but I was like, we're done. It's not happening. And
And immediately after this, I went to my friend's house. My face was so puffy from crying. It looks like I got ran over by a truck. Like I couldn't even see out of my eyes. They looked like vaginas. And I was like so distraught. But I was like, we cannot let me go back to Chad. Like this is not happening. I've taken him back too many times. Like this has to be it. To this day,
That was the last time I ever saw Chad. I never reached out. He never reached out. That was the last time I saw him until flash forward. We are now in my sophomore year of college. Second year. I'm feeling good. Haven't spoke to Chad. Haven't seen Chad. I'm moved on. And all of a sudden something comes up on my TikTok page and I see that Chad has a girlfriend.
And I'm like, why does this girl look so familiar? Like, why? Why is this girl looking really familiar? And one, obviously, it hurt that he had a girlfriend, like even though this was almost two years after the fact, like your first love, like that just hurts. It stings. It didn't feel good. And I'm like, why do I remember this girl? Like her face is sticking out to me for some reason. The girl that Chad was dating was the girl that he cheated on me with.
So that like sent me into a spiral because I was like, oh my God, great. So like now, like these times he cheated on me. I'm like, did he have feelings for this girl? Like, oh my God. So I went down a little Chad spiral there of just being like, fuck you. I hate you. Like I was so upset and that stung a little bit, but that's okay. I was like, you know what? That just solidifies that that is someone I do not need to be with. And then...
This moment was the craziest moment ever because it's sophomore year right before the holidays. Chad has a girlfriend. I'm sitting in my apartment pre-gaming with my friends to go out. We were going to like a Christmas themed party and Chad adds me on Snapchat. We have not had each other on socials for like years. I just unfollowed him. I was like, I don't want to see anything. I don't want to hear of anything. And he added me on Snapchat.
So I was like, you know what? It's been two years. Like no harm, no foul. Like I'm just going to add him back. You know, we can be friends. We can be civil. Like doesn't have to mean anything. And then Chad Snapchats me right away. I'm freaking out. I start running around my apartment. I'm like, what's going on?
I'm like, Chad, Snapchat to me, Chad, Snapchat to me. My friends are like, open it, open it, open it. I'm like, I have to wait five minutes. But like, oh my gosh, what is he gonna say? We open it and he said something. I don't obviously remember exactly, but it was something about like coming home for the holidays, like potentially seeing him. In this moment, this is where I finally, finally got my closure from Chad.
because he was reaching out to me to see if he could hang out with me over the holidays, but he had a girlfriend. So I was like, you know what? He's still a shitty person. He's still a cheater. Like at that moment was just like, he still like wants me. I don't know. I think that was always like a part that like hurt for me too. I was like, does he not want me? Does he not like me? No, that has nothing to do with it. They're just a shitty person. Like it has nothing to do with yourself. But in the moment, I didn't know that. So they're,
It was. I didn't answer Chad. I got my closure. That's how I got my closure from Chad. And that's how it ended. And still to this day, haven't seen him, haven't heard from him. So from this moment on, I knew that I never wanted to feel the heartbreak and heartache that I felt during this relationship and just...
being you know betrayed and cheated on like I just didn't ever want to feel that way again so I stopped like letting myself get close to guys like I would maybe date guys or be with them but I would never let my guard down like I would never like you know I feel like I'm always one foot in one foot out like I was always very scared and I still am um but I'm trying to work on it now
Thank you, therapy. But I really, really like had no trust in guys. No faith. I was like, yeah, they're shit. Like they're all shit. They're all going to cheat on you. I wouldn't let myself be like fully vulnerable around them. I just I didn't want...
To put myself in that position. I was so afraid of it. I always say in relationships that I start now with like 0% trust and then they can like earn their trust. Like I don't think I can ever go into something again being like I 100% trust you and then like maybe you break it. I'm like, you know what? I don't know you at all. Maybe you get to 10% maybe get to 20% like maybe get to 50% trust and
And I don't really know if that's healthy either. But Chad really fucked me up. And I was like, I was so determined to just not be in that position again. Having a first love and going through that first heartbreak where you literally think that you are going to like shrivel up and die without this person is a canon event. I think that your first heartbreak is always with you. And like that is just my worst breakup story compared to any other guy I've dated. And
I've dated a few guys and none of them have ever hurt me the way that that hurt me. So not only was I cheated on by Chad, but I was cheated on by two more boyfriends after him. So that also didn't help. Like, it just kept proving my point. I was like, guys are shit. Guys are going to cheat. Guys aren't going to change. Like, fuck all men. We just can never be that close to them because they're all cheaters and they all suck. Whoops.
But now I'm entering a new headspace. I'm trying to like get over this. And I think to anyone who's going through maybe their first love and it's a little toxic and you know it, but you don't want to admit it or you're going through your first heartbreak.
Just know that it gets better. You do see the other end. I mean, you may be crying for like weeks, months. You think you are never going to get over it, but I promise you that you do. I promise. I've seen my friends go through it. I've seen my sister go through it and it's not fun, but you will make it to the other end. You will get past it and there is someone else out there for you. And if they're cheating on you and telling you that they love you,
Mm-mm-mm. Don't believe it. Don't do what I did. Don't take them back. Because I think that also enables them. If you take them back after they cheat on you, then they just think that like, okay, well, it's not that bad. Because like, okay, whatever. So I don't know. That's my little spiel.
With my toxic boyfriend relationship slash having a first love, what is a first love? Maybe we should text Chad now, see how he's doing. I'm kidding.
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Sorry for the rant, guys. But honestly, that felt really good to get out. So where am I at now with guys? This is like my relationship with relationships. I have been trying to work on this a lot over the past year because I know that sometimes I would go into things with a very negative mindset just because I feel like I've been cheated on a few times and I would have trust issues. And I've been trying to work on that.
And I think it's been getting better. But this is part of the reason that I have been hanging out with NFL man for like,
I don't know, almost eight months-ish. And I like have been so hesitant to like commit to dating even though like we basically are dating. But I'm just like, oh my god, like that is just so scary. Like I just feel like the second you start dating it goes downhill. And I have a lot more stories where these came from. Up there with Chad on toxic relationships was probably my most recent relationship.
He didn't cheat on me, I don't think, but that was just so toxic, so bad that
We need to make a whole nother episode on that one. And I've really just been trying to take my time with things and like make sure I feel comfortable because I don't want to get into a relationship where I'm having those kind of like doubts and issues. Like I want to be 100% sure of myself and of the relationship. There has been a lot of updates with NFL Man. We have not heard of NFL Man since episode one, where basically I told you guys that
we are not dating we were just hanging out and I explained to you like why we weren't dating over the summer or the past year and I recorded that in the beginning of August so now that it's the middle of October we have a lot to catch up on and rather than me sitting here and giving you guys a
a little 10-minute spiel on NFL Man. We're going to make this a whole episode. And not only are we going to make this a whole episode, but we are going on a trip with NFL Man. So not next Thursday, but the Thursday after that.
All of us all together are going on a trip for NFL man's birthday. It was his birthday like two weeks ago and I got him a present and everyone has been asking me like, what did you get him? What did you get him? And of course I got something that all of us could enjoy together.
So we're all going on a trip. It's a surprise. NFL man has no idea where we're going. And I'm bringing hot mess along with me, all the camera equipment's coming. I'm going to record everything. Maybe we'll have NFL man on. Maybe he'll make a cameo. But I've been feeling really, really good about the way things have been going so
And I think we're going to make a whole episode dedicated to this and updating you guys on everything. If you don't know who NFL man is and you're like, Alex, what are you talking about? Go back to episode one, just friends that will explain it all. I also think it's so funny because everyone is like, stop calling him NFL man. I know I'm like, it is so cringe and everyone like knows his real name. Like I feel like everyone's figured it out at this point.
But there's a reason I called him NFL man instead of his real name. You know, we have reasons for everything on here. We are going to unpack it all. So I'm really excited for this trip. I think my big takeaway from all of this relationships, toxic or not,
I think that they can be fun, but I think when you're so young, like, you have to remember that you don't need to be, like, so tied down and committed. Like, someone should be adding to your life, not taking away. And I think that's, like, very...
very, very important to remember, especially if you're like a young girl listening to this, like you do not need to be with someone like that. That's not important. Like if you enjoy hanging out with someone and they really add to your life and you're having fun with them, then like, that's great. Then you can like be with that person. But yeah,
You don't need to be in a relationship. We are all strong and independent and we are good on our own. And that has always stuck with me, which is why I have really been trying to take my time, especially with NFL Man. It's not so important to me
to be rushed into a relationship. I would rather enter it like in a healthy spot and in a healthy mindset. And I think that's really important for anyone listening to remember as well. It's important to prioritize you and what you want and who you are and figuring that out in life before entering into
a relationship and having that become a part of who you are rather than having yourself figured out first. If that makes any sense. That literally might make no sense, but it makes sense in my head. So yes, there is good people out there. They're not all bad. All right, well, stay tuned because we are all about to be a part of a relationship in two weeks on this vacation.
I'm so excited. And next week we are doing a full Halloween episode.
Halloween is like actually my favorite holiday. So I am having one of our most highly requested guests back on the podcast, one of my close friends. And we're going to go down memory lane of Halloween. And I'm also going to take you guys with me through the getting ready process. I have some pretty good costumes this year. I'm pretty proud of myself. I think they're
pretty creative. I'm having costumes custom made, which I have never had done before. This is like very insane to me and I didn't know that people did that. I'm wearing wigs. I might have prosthetics on. So we are going to be experiencing Halloween together next week. I'm so excited. We're going to New York and then we're going to a secret spot for a vacation. Then I'm
I'm just so excited to bring you guys along with me. Don't forget to subscribe and follow so you guys don't miss anything. Hope you guys like this episode. I think this will be a pretty liked episode for everyone besides Chad. Well, I will see you guys next Thursday for Halloween. Bye. Ciao.
Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater, that's what you are. Fuck you, Chad, you cheater pumpkin eater. I think I'm losing my mind.