Fifty Shades of Grey LIVE! (w/ Jessica St. Clair)
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How much am I spending on travel?

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This podcast has rules. If you follow them, I'll reward you. If you don't, I'll punish you. Now, let's begin. Siri, order butt plugs. We saw Fifty Shades of Grey, so you know what that means. Howdy, this is the video store. Howdy, this is what's the name of the product? The Rostov-Esclant.

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Hello people of Earth! And hello people of Earth! We are live for the first part of our Valentine's Trilogy, Fifty Shades of Grey, based on the best-selling Twilight fanfic, This Movie is Hot, or It Thinks It's Hot.

If you don't know, if you've not seen the movie, let me set it up for you. It involves a recent college grad named Anastasia who falls in love with a 27-year-old billionaire who likes to do weird shit. Is he a stalker? Is he a creep? Or does he like... Yes is the answer, and you're not wrong. People in the BDSM community do not like this movie!

They think they got it all wrong. And maybe the reason why is because the woman who wrote the fanfic of Twilight, who was almost sued by the producers of Twilight for the similarities to the exact movie and book, was on set to make sure not a word deviated from the fanfic. So that gives you just a little idea of what we're in store for. It's a movie where not much happens, but yet it's two hours and...

11 minutes. All right, ladies and gentlemen, to break down this film, I have some amazing co-hosts and I have a very special guest. Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Jason Manzuka. What's up, jerks?

Here we go. Here we go, Largo. Holy shit. Night one, Fifty Shades of Grey. You know, Paul, when you told me Fifty Shades of Grey was what we were doing, I was like, three nights, three movies, great idea. Home run. 20 minutes into this movie today, I was like, oh no, we're fucked.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. When I was zoning out of sex scenes, when I was like, oh, there's boobs on screen, I'll go make more coffee. This is, these are singular events for me. I've never not paid attention to tits on screen. Today, I was like, I don't know. What? What?

A movie about sex that feels the least sexy of anything I've seen. Wow! It's sincere. It makes me feel awkward. There is more sexual tension between Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man, and they are father and daughter, than in this movie. This is straight nonsense. Well, I'm happy that... And that there's two more... I'm not going to let you talk. And that there's two more...

is absolutely chilling. You gotta... Where does it go? You don't know. I will be dead by Friday. We have so much to talk about, but let's bring out my other co-host. Please welcome to the stage Miss June Diane Raphael. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Oh, my gosh. Oh, shit.

Welcome, June. How are you? I'm okay. How are you? I'm doing well. June, Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh, gosh. I'm so scared to say I think I liked this movie. What? I'm so happy you said that. And I'm so happy you didn't say any of that backstage. Team Fred fracturing at the seams. I know. I know.

don't know what to say I feel so exposed I feel like Dakota Johnson I feel like I'm tied up right now and I'm out of control and I'm just trusting you all I feel so naked there's no way she's a virgin in this movie

I buy it. When that was, okay. How does she get anybody? She doesn't have a computer. Quick question. And also, Jason, Jason, here's how you know a woman in her 20s is a virgin. The shirt. She wears shirts with patterns. Yes, and sweaters. The shirt-sweater combination should have keyed me in when she was wearing it and the roommate was like, is that what you're wearing? And I was like, yeah, is that what she's wearing? Is that what you're wearing? What are they trying to tell me? She was in a,

In a hardware store. Every hardware store I've ever been in are just old men who smell like cigarettes. Honestly, I was shocked they let her work there. Why would you? She seemed not handy at all. I mean... I thought for sure. Her interest in hardware and her knowledge of knobs...

And would come into use. It's going to beautifully play into the third act when she takes the reins. She's like, oh no, you need this rope to be able to carry more weight. The one thing, the one thing this movie got wrong. There's only one.

Is that in the BDSM community, cable ties have been cut out. And that's the one thing that she supplies him. Oh, yeah. Here's the thing. If you work...

I do research. I do my research. If you work in a hardware store, you absolutely know when someone is ordering a beginner creep set. Here's my thing. If you told me this was a Dahmer store, I would believe you. It runs a very similar track. Nope.

I want to talk to you about this movie so much, but we have to introduce. Do we have to? No, we must. We must. Introduce our very special guest. She is not just a How Did This Get Made? She is a How Did This Get Made? alternate. She is one of the family. If there was four How Did This Get Made? people, she would be the fourth. Which there are not. No. Nor will there ever be. Okay. She is the co-host of the Deep Dive. Yay!

Please welcome to the stage, Jessica St. Clair. Hello. Hello. Welcome, Jessica. Welcome. I want you guys to know that I did my notes on my phone and it started with math. It was like BB's math homework. So it says study multiplication threes. And then it says anal fisting.

Vaginal fisting. What are butt plugs? I would like to fuck you into next Wednesday. That's what's on my notes. Those are the only notes you took?

By the way, incredible. I'm asking this, are those notes or did you have like the voice text out? Is that a to-do? I don't know. Now, I want to say something about anal, I want to say something about anal fisting and vaginal fisting. I really, I also want to say something about anal fisting. Say it. So, okay, so anal fisting, anal fisting and vaginal fisting. Also, thank you, June, for moving down and not letting her sit so close to me. I know, I knew it. No problem. No problem. I know what they're being for. I know what they're being for.

Go ahead, June. I actually thought... Now, I haven't read the books. I didn't know anything about this movie. You read the books? No, I haven't read the books. I haven't either. Out of curiosity, have any of us read the books or have any of us seen the movies? I read sections of the books. What? Excuse me? That's so much worse than reading the books. Also, which sections? Paul! Paul!

Paul, okay. That's like I've only seen some scenes in a porno. Wait. It's like, oh wait, no. I know I've seen at least one scene from True Detective season one. Did you read the book, Paul, or did you do that weird thing where you're like in a Barnes and Noble and you're like, oh, this is weird. And you're just like in the corner just like flipping through, flipping through. I purchased the book because I like literature and I like knowing what's going on in pop culture. I had the book on my shelf for quite some time. The first one.

That's the shit that's getting delivered. And there was a passage I remember that he was describing going down on her like eating an oyster. And he described it as a salty, sweet taste. And that image of an oyster and that, it was like, ooh, I don't know if you want to put shellfish and oral sex together in a, I don't think that's like the best thing. Briny. Wow.

If you're getting a taste of the sea, you need to end that date. I want you... That pH balance is off. You are mine. You are mine and brined. Ooh, crack you open. Listen, I haven't read it. He gave you the minuet sauce before he went down on her in the book. Ah!

I'm so upset. This movie. I'm really upset. That's the book, though. That's not in the movie. My notes are, I'm looking at them, completely insane. Yeah. I did write this. Look, we don't want to kink shame. We don't want to yuck anybody's yum. Not at all. But this is like the same way when I saw Sylvester Stallone eat pizza with a fork and knife. We have to call out it's weird. I love pizza. That's not the way you eat it. Here's the thing. I did not. Well, I'm going to reveal something.

I'm so surprised. I found, I guess, I don't know. I thought there was going to be more stuff going on. There's two more movies. I know there's two more movies. But in this one, I was like, I saw that list of things he wanted to do. And by the way, anal fisting and vaginal fisting, I believe that Christian Grey put on that list to negotiate with. Right.

Right. I feel like he's like... It's like when you put stuff in a movie that you know the MPAA is going to get flagged so you can pull it out. Exactly. So you have somewhere to go. Right. He wants to negotiate. That's really interesting. I had an issue, though. How did they read that contract? It was so dark in that room. It was so dark. Very dark. But to me, I was like, all he really seems to want to do is tie her hands up and go down on her for hours. And that's great. Hours. And that's great. What's wrong with that? And she gets to sleep in her

Oh, that's a dream. That's a dream! Listen, I'm on board. When she kept on saying, why can't we go to sleep together? I was like, why? Why didn't he ask? I'll be honest. This guy is giving me big Patrick Bateman vibes. Yes.

This guy, every day to me, like it's as if Dakota Johnson lives in a time or I'm so sorry. Anastasia Steele. I want to be very clear. This big, as Paul said at the beginning, this began as Twilight fan fiction. I believe I would have preferred it. Shockingly, I think I'm going to wind up preferring the Twilight movies over these movies. Twilight movies are great. Yeah, they're great. Regardless. They're hot. That's hot. Yeah.

Yes, they have chemistry. Fuck you is hot. This isn't hot. Stop making ceaseless eye contact with me. That's what it was like when we got married. Screaming because they're hot, because vampires are hot at me. I know. I'm agreeing.

No one is anti-Team Vampire, although some of us are Team Werewolf. But in a world in which Anastasia Steele, it's not 2015, it's in fact later, would come up in the world being obsessed with true crime and true crime podcasts and murder podcasts and murder world.

Every red flag in the world this guy is giving her. We're living in a different time. We can't find this pot anymore. This is a snapshot of a time that exists when this felt like, I'll try it. Or like, it's fun. They can't find a picture of him on the internet. This man is a 27-year-old billionaire. The four pictures on the internet are scenes from later in the movie. There's one scene of him in the coffee shop.

I want to get into that Google search engine. How did they get that candid? There's another scene, another picture of him in the hardware store. Where is Google getting these pictures?

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This is a great place, a great spot to ask the question, what does the Gray Corporation do? It's a media conglomerate. What? Business. Yeah. It's a media conglomerate. Just straight business. A lot of important business and telecommunications. They definitely said telecommunications business.

But... But then she was like, but it seems like you have, like, a real sweet side or whatever because you do all this charity work. And he's like, well, not really. He's...

He's trying to be like Bruce Wayne, but no Batman? Well, his Batcave is very different. I guess that's it. He does have bats and weapons that just used not for the Joker. Here's my question, though, about his specific kinks. He has his kink, which is lots of slapping, which is fine. You know, that's fine. And...

Different textures and feathers. Yeah, feathers. I love a feather. Is he feather dusting her or is he fucking her? I can't figure it out. No problem. Dust me with a feather all night long. That's fine. I know, but I did feel that there was, he makes a big statement of like, I fuck, I don't make love. I fuck hard. But then like, I never saw you fuck hard. And I had the closed captioning on. He seems to fuck slowly. It was, I fuck period, hard period. Period.

He just, the fucking did seem like making love. And I just... Well, that's where his internal conflict was. I know. But here's... Okay, but here's my question. She's changing him. Here's my question. She's changing him. Here's my question. I understand, I think, what his kink is in the playroom. But when he takes out a belt and...

Whips her. Six times. That was tough. Is that sexual or is what, where are we now?

No, that's reliving his own trauma. That's the punishment. It is like, doesn't she say something to the effect of, why don't you show me the punishment? Because he's saying, I'm not going to do what I would do. And she's saying, why don't you show me that? Yes, because that was honestly, that's the only problem I had with the movie. It was just right there. That's it. Wait, that's it? That scene was the only problem I had. That was a step too far? That I couldn't abide by.

Wow. And I won't. But she asked for it. She did ask for it enthusiastically. Paul, careful. Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Oh, boy. The truth is, if Paul had a playroom, first of all, my first thought when I saw the movie. I liked his organization. I will say his organization was top notch. I knew you were going to be so into that, Paul. This is the closet of Paul's dreams, first of all. I did. I was like, oh, I would love to push in. But imagine you clean that apartment. You think he's putting all of those elements in place? Come on. No, he's got to have a full staff. I did think about that.

was Paul's, it would just be like a bunch of like different batteries. And then like, you know, it would be like different, you know, like different ropes for different things, you know, different containers for snacks. I have my

That's what your playroom would be. Well, and everything would be labeled, too. And everything would be labeled. And this is weird. All of a sudden, I'm being labeled. I also thought it was weird. Sure, I get my cable ties. I get some masking tape. I go meet young girls at the hardware store. It's no big deal. I keep an organized pantry. I thought it was strange that there was no insert shot of a Brother P touch that Christian Grey was using to label everything. Typing in, fuck jeans. Putting it on a hanger. Fuck jeans!

Flogger. That was a terrible moment. That's a flogger, he says. I was like... Here's what I'll say where, just to slightly disagree about the ending, I felt like she could take that hit because of the way that she fell on her face the first time we see her. I'm like, this girl's falling all the time.

The way she falls in that opening scene. That was crazy. I don't even understand the physics of it. It's as if like a ghost pushed her down. I wonder if there was a ghost in this movie. I think there was one. Please, please let there be a ghost. I did rewind that moment, Paul, a few times because I was like, what did she trip over? There's no way.

It's a smooth marble floor. It's a heavy door that when she hits it, it's as if it's nothing. And she's like, I thought it was going to be heavy. And then instead, like... I thought his hot assistant pushed her at the last second. The office is...

everybody's the way they're dressed the way it's laid out looks like it's from a shitty music video or something like that the entire world is foundationally unbelievable yeah so much so that I again deeply wish it was just Twilight like I wish it had something like I wish we understood what his world was what her world was immediately we never get access to him and she's like no I left school now I live here but who knows what I'm doing

I don't even understand where she's moving to or from. Like, she seems to be moving out of an apartment to just move to another apartment. She's like, is she far away from him? Are they together? I never knew when we were in Seattle, when we were outside of Seattle. I think we were always in Seattle. No, because there were times he's like, we're going to Seattle. I thought you were

She got there. We need to get in a helicopter to go there. We got to get in the chopper to go to Seattle. Guys, if I am going on a first date with somebody and he's just like, surprise, we're getting in a helicopter. I'm just like, do you have a license? Like she's just like, yay. And then like the whole time they're flying, he's just staring into her eyes like a psycho. I'm like, keep your fucking sky, asshole. Forget that. Forget that.

This guy's love language is flying. Yeah, why? Whenever he makes a mistake, he's like, the bigger the mistake, the weirder the airplane. Here's the deal. He's too young. He's too young to be a good enough pilot to...

for this to work. This is insane. I don't want to go zero G with you, asshole. I don't know who you are. There are multiple. They also are in a glider. What was that? Was there an engine? No, that's a glider. I don't know what a glider is. Jess, are you okay? I'm really worried that the second movie is going to have a hot air balloon. If it does, I'm going to flip. She's just like,

And he's like, I'm going in while we're going up. Here's the deal. Yeah.

None of this, even everything we're saying, none of this is sexy. None of it. No, it's not. None of it is sexy in any way, shape, or form. No, June, you can find anything. June is not a good test audience. She can find anything sexy. Well, here's what I'm saying. I will say, June, you're right. It's true.

It's true. You're right in the sense that there is unquestionably beautiful people photographed beautifully. And in a way that I was like, oh, these are hot people. Absolutely. There's just no spark or chemistry. It's as if people were playing with dolls. I was going to say, they are as hot as mannequins and I am as emotionally connected to them as mannequins. The mannequins are like, yeah, that's a body. That's a body. That's how bodies go together. Like, I...

Like, there's nothing to me about Christian Grey that's like, whoa. He's like, he has Patrick Bateman energy. Like, that opening scene is like that scene where Willem Dafoe is interviewing Patrick Bateman in American Psycho where he's trying to find out if he killed him. I mean, that's as much chemistry as you're getting. Like, he's not smooth. He's not charming. He has less charisma than Patrick Bateman. He's got no riz. He's got no charisma.

He's got zero riz. Okay, define riz. He's got that riz, baby. Oh, no, you can't use it in a sentence. Try again. You can't use the word we want you to define. That's some hot riz, baby. Put that riz on me, baby. You're getting further and further. I want you to riz all over my face, baby. Okay.

Do you think Riz is related to jizz? Jess, who has Riz? Who has Riz? Don't say Riz Ahmed. Who has Riz? None of those people in that movie have the Riz. I'll tell you who has Riz. Who? Dakota Johnson's stepdad.

After that gazpacho rant, I was like, all right. I like this guy. I like this guy. I like his energy. He's the only person that gave me any bit of life. He's like, he's doing bits. He's like, hey, man, I don't want to eat gazpacho. It's like eating a whole thing of salsa. I'm like, oh, thank God, a human being. Someone. Her biological dad, too, I liked. She shows up at her graduation. Hey, kid, what do you need? Blah, blah, blah.

Lovely, lovely man. Why are these people having such a hard time getting to her graduation? It seems like a big deal. Yes. The mom doesn't go because the dad broke his foot. The stepdad. The stepdad. And then the other dad is like so late that he's like popping in. It looks like he was in the procession of students. She's like, oh, I saved you a seat. How? So hard, though. There are certain things in these movies, these big budget movies, where it's like,

It's so weird. The excuses are so weird and the exposition is so damn odd that I'm forced to believe it. I'm like, I guess. It has to be true. It has to be true because it is so wild that the stepdad can't come because of a broken toe. That the mom wouldn't come. I'm sorry, that the mom

But that's the whole thing. That's why she puts herself in this. And I feel when I'm speaking about this movie in a normal way that I'm like, I wrote this for my senior women's studies thesis. Yeah, I know. I know. It's tricky. It's the women's territory. But this is why she's in these relationships. She's not being put first by anybody. And then Christian puts her first.

What? Can we agree that she was kidnapped? What do you mean? Oh, yeah, for sure. Out of the bar, she pukes, and he's like, you're coming with me. Yeah. And then she's, like, held hostage in a room. I'm so sorry, but also... And dressed up like this. Why is he there? It's inappropriate. She calls him to tell him off. He shows up and abducts her. Yeah, he tracks her. She's in a blackout, wakes up in a... The meat puke. LAUGHTER

It's the best joke of the night right there. Holy shit. But I mean, his arrival, as if this is like he's a knight in shining armor who's coming to rescue her from being drunk? From Jose? Yeah.

get out of here. This is a villain. He's a villain. Christian Grey is a villain. Wow, wow, wow. This is her fault. This is really her fault. And Taylor is his hatchet man. Taylor's doing some shit. He is.

Selling cars. He's doing some shadow work. Oh, big time. What happened to those other 15 girls that shared the red room or whatever? This guy's a mercenary. There are moments in this movie where they land as comedy, but you know they're not supposed to be. And...

I laughed so hard. When Dakota Johnson is in that room and she says, how many women have been in this room? How many women have been in this room? Okay, June. June, can we take it again, but just less. And then end with this. How many women are in this room? Okay.

And he says so quickly, he says 15. Yeah. I cried laughing. It's just like another moment I don't think was supposed to be funny, but I laughed was when he does start to open up about his past trauma and what happened to him when he was four. And she looks over and she's asleep.

She is sleepy. Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy. When she revealed that she was a virgin, I laughed so hard. That was crazy. I was like, absolutely not. There's no way shape or form. It's so funny though. It's not even being played that way. I know. And here's again, my only other critique.

My only other is like, we actually, we didn't need her to be a virgin. And that's where I just felt like, E.L., like, let her, she can still have a sexual past and be opened up to whole new. Well, it's strange because she's older than me.

Bella from Twilight? Right. Bella's in high school. Bella being a virgin seems like, okay, she's young. To then map this onto, then I'm like, well, what world is this? And what world are we in? And I don't understand it. And I feel uncomfortable. Yeah. Well, because it's not that she's. I didn't sign anything. You didn't sign a goddamn thing. I did not consent to the movie happening to me.

By the way, when she signs that NDA in the beginning, he's like, here's an NDA. She's like, yes. Love it. Please. No red flags there. That's when she says, are you going to make love to me now? This is a virgin. By the way, are you going to make love to me now? She just worked an eight-hour shift at the hardware store. Yeah. Got in a helicopter. Yeah. Flew for about another 40 minutes. Like, let her take a break.

or take a shower? She's like, why don't you show me your ball peen hammer? That's a great joke. No. I will say. If you have to explain it. It's a great joke. By the way, I will say that she, yeah, she reacts to sex

and things of sex in 2015, like, so scared. Like, when she, like, looks at, like, what bondage is... closes that laptop so quickly. And I was like, wow, that's freaking you. There were very tame images, too. Also, her question, what is a butt plug? She had time. She's taken four

to look at that contract. She had time to Google that. You're also a 20-something in 2015. You know what a butt plug is. You don't know what a butt plug is? You never heard butt plug? My question is, why does he have to pick the pharmacist? He doesn't have to pick the pharmacist, babe. He has to pick the doctor. That's fucking creepy. I thought he had to... That's controlling. That is so creepy. Oh, yeah! Now, I do that... Oh, you think, Paul? I do that for June because I just don't trust any man around her. Oh, yeah.

I mean, she says to him on their first meeting, so you're a control, sorry, so you're a control freak. And he says, oh, I exercise control in all things Miss Steel. Fuck you, movie. Fuck, this is like porn character names in a, this movie, like Cinemax movies are more sexual, more satisfyingly. Red Shoe Diaries gets it right. Silk Stockings is better than this shit. Yes, where's the company?

Here's another red flag. Here's the biggest red flag. If you are on a date with somebody and they're like, want to see me play my grand piano, that means you are about to get killed or whipped with a peacock feather. Or you're dating Billy Joel. That's right. And that's a good scenario.

But when have you ever been like, ooh, that's so sexy. That man's playing that grand piano. Now we've seen it in Pretty Woman. I'm so sorry, Chrissy Teigen. You don't listen to her. Yes, I got it.

It's true. It's like not a guitar. It's not the sexiest instrument. I don't want, listen, I don't want any man to play music to me. Me neither. I don't want any man to play music to me. I don't want to see you playing sad songs on your Casio keyboard. But if it's something that's got to be an instrument, I would take a guitar. Well, I mean, this guy has a cheese ball, right? Because I was looking at him like, I don't even think his style of dress is cool. Like when they go out to walk in the woods, like I'm...

I don't like the way he's dressed. That's Banana Republic. That's the Mad Men collection from 1994. He's not dressed like he's on Succession. No, he's not. True wealth. He's a billionaire. He's the youngest billionaire? What was the headline? I can't remember. Youngest billionaire in business. Ha ha ha!

She majored in English lit and minored in lip biting. Is that right? I like when he becomes a sex terminator. He's like, your legs moving. That means that you're wet. Your eyes are going like this. That means that you've never been fucked at night. Your ears are just, I'm like, how do you know all of this? Suddenly he's Sherlock. Yeah. He's like, he goes into his memory palace and understands fucking everything that's happening. By the way, give me that version of it. But he is done.

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How did he find her at the bar? He tracked her phone? But that's like the thing we're led to believe. Does he have his guy following him? Taylor's probably following him. I also think it's some of the telecommunications he's up to. Track her. Track her phone. I will say that this is a funny thing that I noticed and was confirmed for me today, that when she hangs up, there's a dial tone, but that's on a cell phone. Oh.

Nobody caught it. Nobody caught it. What about that weird dance she does when they're in the middle of that, like, Frank Sinatra moment? That's the other thing I can't, I can't go back and forth between romance and then all that crazy shit. I also can't, here's another hallmark. I realize there's another hallmark of a bad movie, of one of our bad movies, wherein all the needle drop songs inside of it, the Frank Sinatra song, Accepted,

are covers, are bad covers of a song that they want to use, but are not. And I was like, this movie is just drowning in shitty covers of songs in a way that are the key. But slow covers, too. Like, they're not, yeah, they're like, let's make that real slow.

Like, and now it's sexy. This movie is trying so hard to be sexy. Like, this movie is Anastasia Steele, right? Like, it is like, that's sexy. I'm a virgin. I know what sexy sex is. Like, that's what it feels like. So if you're at home, just pull that quote from Paul and put a song in there. Make it a second opinion. But, I mean, don't you feel like that? Like, because...

I guess the whole thing is... It's so hard because I don't even remember. As Paul knows, there's a lot of cultural moments that I just dip out of. Like, I'm not a part of. And this was one of them. I don't remember. I have a vague recollection of one of my sisters who I never saw read a book and had no interest in books or literature. Just, like, sitting with Fifty Shades of Grey. And I was like, why is she reading a book? Like, it was so...

Crazy. Well, it was also such a cultural, like, movement. This book was massive. These books. Yeah, and so I guess they were just porn for women? What?

And that's great. And that's wonderful. You know, and, and listen, that's why I struggled with the last scene because I love that for women. And I love that this movie does that for, that's all wonderful. But I just, the last scene when she's just simply, you know, being abused. It's a tough one to swallow. It's tough to swallow. You know, it's tough to move on from. But this movie also is doing something really interesting because the movie really,

If you were to arc it out, if you were like, what is this movie? What are the acts of this movie? It's like, there's nothing there. It's like, they meet. He's like, hey, I'd like you to sign this contract so I can beat you up. And she's like, I'll think about it.

She never does. He's like, well, I'll give you a sample. And she's like, I'm out. And that was it. That's the movie. Well, like, it's like, I think so. I don't know because we haven't seen. I guess we'll find out tomorrow night. But does she ever say yellow? Does she ever say red? She has to sign the contract. But she's going to sign it, right? She's for sure. No, she walked out. She's definitely going to sign it. She's never coming back. There's so many people at home. So many listeners who've read the books or watched these movies are like, shut up.

But is this so sorry? No, no one wrecked this. No one wrecked this because I think in the second movie, she becomes the dominant and he becomes a submissive because that's what I'm getting in my head. I'm like, oh. I don't want to see that. That's what's getting Paul hot. I don't want to see that. And he's like, oh. Yeah, that's kind of hot. Like, he's coming. Is this...

My question is... She's reigniting that woman who raped him. By the way, this is a movie about a man who's been raped and can't have normal sexual relations. That's also underneath it, right? I mean, we can all agree. I know, and again, we don't need that, E.L. We don't need that part. So we're talking about a May-December storyline underneath this movie. I'm like, wow, all right. Cool, we'll just drop that in there. She was older than me. Don't worry about it. I'm fine. He has more chemistry with Marcia Gay Harden than...

who plays his adoptive mother than he does with Dakota Johnson. Rita Ora is the sister? Yes. When they do finally have sex, it is like... And again, she has been revealed to be a virgin. He is just ramming it in straight away. And it is like the fantasy element of it. I was like, I don't get... I just couldn't... There was no...

Intimacy. And I guess that's purposeful on his part. No intimacy inside of this. But for her, I was like, in that way that she was like then alone. And I was like, wait, there's no cuddling? There's no what? No, Jason, there's not. But to him. She gets to sleep alone in a bed. I'm sorry. That sounds great. It's hot. I mean. Hey.

Have a whole bed to yourself? It's wonderful. It is. No, but we're seeing Christian Grey at the most intimate. He's like, I've never slept in a bed with a woman. But then he does it over and over and over again. It's so like, no, you obviously do. He's breaking his own rules because she's actually the dominant. Yeah.

And he is submitting. She's like, I want a date. And he's like, well, I'll give you a date. He doesn't realize she fucking Jedi mind tricked him. Well, I do think, listen, I do think that that is a reading of the movie that's absolutely available. She's really the dom. He's really the submissive. I just think it falls apart at the very end. Fortunately. Was this movie like The Hobbit? Go on.

Wait. Go on. And then it's shot in a high frame rate? They knew they were going to shoot. Did they shoot all three at once? Not at once, but I do think there was some understanding. They already knew. Well, because the books were coming out. Right, yeah. So the books were coming out. They knew that they were signed on for three. Now, the big story was that Charlie Hunnam was supposed to be Christian Grey and then dropped out seemingly laterally.

Right before. Did they shoot something with him? I think he was on the plane going to Vancouver. They did shoot something with him. And then the other thing I believe. Because he couldn't transition from his Sons of Anarchy character into this character. This is what he said. And then I think there is also, and somebody I'm sure will correct me if I'm wrong, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan despised each other.

Oh, really? I think that's been debunked. Oh, is that right? Okay, then Greg. I don't know. Okay.

I don't know. CNN! News! I mean, truly, I'm trafficking in the gossip of the moment and nothing more. Yes, and it seems that that was just some sort of fabrication. Got it. Okay, totally fine. They are very, very close with each other. Well, I would imagine. Like, that's what I was also thinking about, too. This is a movie that, to me, is kind of a nightmare because it's like they are fucking so much that it, like...

That's a yeast infection waiting to happen. It just feels like apparently they put hidden cameras around all the rooms so it could have like more privacy for those scenes. So I think that that seems like a nice thing. Isn't it so interesting? Oh yeah, sorry. And they also did CGI pubic hair. Oh wow. What? Why did they put in pubes post in post? Oh, our pubes CGI budget really knocked this budget. You mean instead of a merkin on the day? But why?

I bet. Wait, is that what, I'm genuine, is that what you're asking? No, I'm honestly, I'm trying to understand. I heard they called in Frank Oz, the guy who did Yoda, to do like the pube work. It is such a good question. No, why? Fuck you, I will. I will fuck you. Originally, each of their privates talked.

His was the voice. His was... Oh, my God. It's such a good question because there's so many shots where you can't see her pubes and it just looks like she's a bald eagle. And God bless America. But then... Our national bird. God.

But then all of a sudden they are there in one night. I also have to say, as a guy who's that organized and that neat, I don't think he'd be raw dogging his pants like that. I think he would be wearing some underwear. He feels to me like a guy who's like, I only wear underwear once. Yeah. Like he doesn't feel like a guy who puts on like slacks

dick and balls. Yeah. I understand that. That seems patently insane. Also, isn't it funny to think we live in a world right now where there are multiple think pieces constantly being put out there about how young people think sex scenes shouldn't be in movies. What? Really? They don't want sex scenes to be... I read all of Jason's blog posts. Have you read them? Oh, yeah.

They're great think pieces. There is a whole movement amongst young people that sex scenes shouldn't be a part of movies. They are not appropriate to be in movies, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And only nine years ago, this was, it was nothing but sex nonsense from top to bottom. Wow. What's their problem with them? Young people? You tell me. Let's go out to the audience. Let's find out from the young people.

And by young, we mean 35. 35 is what we're looking for. All right, your name and your question. Hi, Danielle. And my question is, why is his obsession with him having sex in jeans? And just jeans, right? In like one scene, he's like in a full suit. They're having like a sexy combo. And then it cuts. And he's like just in jeans. Can I ask? Those are his fuck jeans. Like he gets his like, yeah. Is that part of the book?

Is that like a... It is. Is that... Yes. Okay, no, don't be a... No, this is a safe space. If you have expertise... Can you explain the fucking stuff at all? It's like his costume for the Red Room. Okay. Oh! That means... Thank you. This is the Lord's work right here. Okay. We need this. You helped us. This is the best thing... Paul, can I ask... She read the book today. Can I ask her a question? Yes. The whole book today. Can I ask her a question? What's your name? Raya.

Rhea, why is it called the red room in the books and the playroom in the movie? So that's Anastasia's view of it. The red room of pain and his playroom. Thank you. Thank you.

Wow, okay. We're going to come back to you because it's fresh in your head if we have other questions. I was going to say, is there anything else that we've been wondering about tonight or asked about that you have answers to that you want to share? And no pressure if not. I don't think so. That's fine. You read it too? No, no, no. Somebody had a detailed poll over here. You have a question. Okay, this is the first. An audience member has a question for the person who read. Now, Paul. Wait,

an audience member to audience member question? Are we allowed to weigh in or should we leave the stage? Okay. Alright. Your name? Rochelle. And Rochelle, what is your question for our other audience member? Are they correct about the CGI pubes? She wouldn't know that from reading the book. She didn't say she worked on the set. Do you think that I'm incorrect? I'm correct. I know it's right. Ask me. Yes. You blew it, Rochelle. You blew it.

All right, going back to the guys now. Reading the book. I think the question for Rhea was, is there explicit mention of her pubes in the book? Are they a character? Sorry to ask you this. I'm so sorry to ask you this. And are they in the book referred to as computer generated? You are saying an emphatic yes about the pubes. Like, why emphatically?

Every time it is mentioned when he travels down there, it is a journey through the pubic hair. Wow. Wow. The hunt for pubes, Colin, the journey through the pubes. This is some real nonsense. If you have to fight your way through a thicket like Sleeping Motherfucking Beauty, it is time to wax. That is in high.

That's why he's in the hardware store, trying to get a weed whacker or something like that. You shouldn't have to journey through those pubes ever. All right. Your name? Hi, Simone. So I think it's kind of one of the worst cast movies of all time is universally recognized. Do you have alternate suggestions for casting?

Ooh, great question. Great question. I mean, when it was filmed, I was probably 34. And I must have been 27. I could have been playing 27 at that age. So I don't know if it was available. Yeah, it's tough to be period specific to 2015. It could be from now we're told. Who's the doll? Who's the sub?

She's got ribs! Again, I'm certain you don't know how to use that word. I'll think about it. Yeah, I mean, this is a good question because it's like, you know, there's a part of me that goes, you know, maybe I could see... Well, it's like, what do you want from Christian Grey? You want, like, a sexy, confident guy? Listen, I haven't read the book, so I don't know, but for me, their blankness...

Like I didn't need more from them than for them to. Boy, did I. I would have loved so much more. Like June, are you saying that you like the traditional man woman movie like this? Boo. Yes. Yes. I also like a man woman movie. It's a reference to another episode of How Did This Get Made? Yes.

All right. Did you have a question? Okay. Hi, I'm Yasmin. Can we talk about her friend for a second? Yes, please. Valedictorian. Who knew? Her friend knew. By the way, how did she become valedictorian when Dakota Johnson is out there doing her work for her? How did she become a valedictorian when one of her questions are, are you gay? Just...

Yeah, real clever interviews. She's not even graduating with honors in that regard. By the way, I love how Dakota Johnson approached that interview. She's like, I just got to read it. It's here on this sheet of paper. It's like she was being like... She's like Ron Burgundy in Anchorman. If it's in front of me, I'm going to say it. I love Kate. I was upset that we didn't get more of Kate. I feel like Kate had some life force. And I think this is the problem with a movie like this. Kate and the brother were the most interesting, most compelling couple. Yes.

Yeah, but Kate was a really bad friend. She, anybody could have seen she's getting, you know, over her head, all of the, and also here's another thing that was different. In 2015, no one was blinking an eye. They're like, it's hot to have a guy buy you a car. You know, it's hot to like, you don't have a laptop. I thought it should have been a nicer car.

I didn't like that car. I didn't like that car. It looked like he got her a minivan. I thought it was like a Honda Civic. No, I like a minivan because I have children. And I would have taken that car and really packed it full of camping gears, bikes, whatever. Yeah, I just, you know. I think the thing with Kate is, and honestly with Anastasia too, is it's, listen.

No kink shaming. I would never shame a kink at all. But they go down a lot easier when the person with a kink is so rich that it's like morally reprehensible. That's how rich they are. And

And that's where, you know, I think we're able to overlook a few things. Wait, what? Wait, I can't tell what you're saying. What I'm saying is I don't think that this scenario would have taken place if Christian Grey was in a studio apartment. Okay, so what you're saying is... It would be hard. You'd have to do a divider. It would be hard if there's that.

June Diane Rayfield for sugar daddies is what you are pitching out. It is crazy. I wrote this in my thing that is like, in a post-Dobbs world, how insane is it to watch a woman sign away her rights to a rich white billionaire? Yeah, it's weird.

I was like, this is chilling. Yeah, it was. It was like a time capsule to a very bad time. I was like, ooh, I don't like this. This is, he is not trustworthy. This is, I don't like that she's so easily giving away everything. The NDA signing immediately, I was like, gulp, oh boy. Yeah. I did also think that the way that the dad reacted to

her dating him was odd. I thought it was odd for him to pose with her in a picture after complaining so much that he didn't want a girlfriend. He's giving a lot of submissive messages. Also mixed, very mixed messages. Yeah, mixed messages. Because he's like, no dates, no nothing, no movies, no nothing. And then immediately he's like, what about one day a week, a date? Can you imagine going bowling with Christian Grey? Yeah.

That's not fun. Ice skating? That was his other option. Here's the thing, and I know very little about the community, but here's the thing. I'll still speak on it. Of course. Can you just clarify what community? What community? I'm just saying in terms of submissive and doms, and you said this before, Paul, like I do think that he spent so long as a submissive that that is what he is playing out with her.

that he's falling back into that. That's what I think. But what do I wish this had werewolves and vampires? But what do I wish some part of this was about werewolves and vampires? Well, wouldn't you have loved the last scene when she goes, stop! And he stares and she goes, you know, she goes, Anastasia, Christian. Then you cut back to him and do the Michael Jackson eyes from Thriller, like... To be continued. Ha ha ha!

I will say there's, the movie takes place in the Pacific Northwest and home of vampires. Not really. Well, it does. It gave me serial affect disorder. Serial killers. Home of vampires? Yes. Well, Pacific Northwest is where Twilight is set. Yeah. Okay. Because of how dark it is there. And overcast. They can't. Yes. Their skin is translucent. That's where they are. They can't handle the sun. That's why the Cullens live there, Paul. Paul.

Sorry. That's why the college list there. While you guys were reading Twilight, I was reading my Ches DeArberville's first editions, which looked like some weird thing that I might get like at a crate and barrel. But serial killers also live in the Pacific Northwest. Yeah. Everyone knows that. Yeah. Bigfoot. And Bigfoot.

And I was like, oh, I bet there is a lot of weird sexual stuff going on. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, it's raining all the time. You have to be inside. They never see the sun. They never see the sun and they got to come up with things. They got to do something. Obviously, we had opinions about this movie, but there are people out there with a different opinion. And it's now time for Second Opinions. Hey, my name is Jeff. She tripped into his office. Why? I do not know.

She sells him cable ties, masking tape, and rope. Gives her an NDA, but lets her take it home. These are 50 Shades Second Opinions. Just give her a spank, Hank. Bind her with a tie, Guy. Swat her with a switch, Mitch. And give it five stars. Clean her up in the tub, Doug. Tell me what's a butt plug.

Take a bite on your lip chip and give it five stars. Thank you. That was amazing. Give it up for Jeff. Amazing. Great job, Jeff. Great job, Jeff. Killing it. Wow.

That's the way you do it. Take a lesson from Jeff. Great, great job. Okay, well, obviously you know that there are a lot of five-star reviews on Amazon about this movie. As a matter of fact, there are 72,000 reviews.

72,000 reviews of this movie. Reviews or five-star reviews? No, there are 72,000 total reviews and 77% of them are five stars. Wait, are we on the wrong side of this? And I will just tell you what I have to say here. Nikki, title's a review. I have to say, I definitely like the movie more.

As someone who has read the book and now has seen the movie, I have to say I definitely like the movie more. I found it to be way more romantic than the book. They did a great job in making it to where the people would enjoy it. The music in the movie was incredible and the sex scenes were done quite tactfully. As long as you can understand that this isn't what true love is supposed to be about. I think it would be just fine for a mature 16-year-old to be able to watch with parental supervision. No!

know about that. I'm sorry, just a quick question. Can I go on Amazon and tell people what age people should be to watch certain movies? Well, this is maybe what's happening here. Nikki continues, I watched this film with my own mother, which was great because we got to talk about what was going on. Great movie, and I highly recommend it. I had to explain anal fisting to my mom.

Now Jay chimes in and writes, this movie was very hot and steamy. I am very happy with the purchase of this movie. It was definitely worth the buy. It made me all tingly inside. The actors were quality actors. Anna was a little annoying, but I would buy the movie again. I mean, I would recommend buying this movie for a little bit of romance in your life. The movie was definitely hardcore, and I think I would buy the movie again.

I even bought the sequel to the book and I'm super excited for Fifty Shades Darker to come out in theaters. I have a whole year to wait, but I'm really excited for it to come out. I love the movie so much that I can't wait. I watched this again last night before I went to bed. And then I woke up and watched it again and I started thinking about it. Nope. You should totally buy this movie and you should buy the book. It will make you feel hot. You'll definitely need a napkin after watching this movie.

Christian is an amazing actor and he is so hot. I would buy this movie. Christian is an amazing actor.

I would buy this movie 904 million more times. Purchase this. This story is well written, and whenever I was watching this movie, it put me in an amazing mood. I was always better after reading these novels and watching this movie. I would say buy it, and I would say watch it alone. And then read the book alone, too. And then you'll be feeling like a million bucks in no time. That guy died in an ocean of his own jizz. Hold on. R.I.P. Hold on.

Hold on. We should cut that out. I am a mom.

And my kids drive me absolutely crazy. They yell all the time. And whenever I get them down for naps, I pull out my Kindle and I start reading this book. Or I bring out my iPad and I watch it. I forget about being a mom for a few minutes and I can actually fantasize about being the character. And then I snap back into reality when they wake up and I wait for them to sleep. I start counting the minutes until they are sleeping so I can read my book

and watch my movie. I even pull it out while the kids are watching TV or my husband is watching the game. I would recommend this movie to all my girlfriends. It is a hot read and definitely something I would watch again. I already have.

These kind of movies are my favorite. I love the dominance of the male character and I'm very pleased with my purchase. Buy this movie for a bit of hot and heavy romance. You will not be dissatisfied. Happy watching, ladies and gentlemen. I am very happy with the purchase of this movie. Five stars. Wow. What? I feel like...

I feel like that's the, like, that is why these books took off. Listen, women have nothing else. We don't have other books. We don't have other movies. So we accept whatever you give us. We have, how do I in 10 days in this? What do we have? If this is what you were given and being like, this is what you want?

I'll take it. Maybe you feel like Jonathan Daniel Bullock who says, movie got me laid. I can dig it. Five stars. And I bet it's going to be repeated tonight. Someone is here on a date. They're going to get laid because of this movie. I can dig it. Also, Melly Guerrero writes, I bought this from my aunt. It was well packaged and in great condition. Five stars. Great gift.

Great gift to your aunt? Your elderly aunt? Ants love these books. Ants live for this. These stories are big aunt energy. Big godmother energy. I will go to one of the first opinions. This is something that we got from Jason Crouch. Gives it one star. He says, this is the stupidest movie I've ever watched. And I never watched it. Because why would I?

My wife convinced me to watch it and I regretted it severely. I wish I never wasted the money. It's just porn for women and women think it's good because they enjoy it.

But if you're a man, you will not enjoy it. Oh, great. Now my wife's all turned on. Sucks to be me, guys. One star got me laid. In my opinion, this movie shouldn't exist.

Because it should be treated the same way porn is. One star. What? It's just porn for women. Jason Crouch. Full name.

Wow. Find him. I will say one thing that was really interesting about this thing was, you know, obviously there's a lot of parodies of Fifty Shades of Grey. And there was a porn parody of Fifty Shades of Grey made, and Universal sued them because of similarities. Ah!

I guess you really can't. They had better dialogue, I bet. What's so crazy about that is like genuinely this is just Twilight fanfic. All right. So just quick question because none of us has seen the second one. I wanted to end each night by just bold predictions. What happens in the next movie? We don't know. Don't let us know if we're right or wrong.

That's so fun. I do like your idea that it will flip. I think that's got to be right, yeah. I have to feel like we're going to, I would love it if like, does it become like a murder mystery? You wish. Anywhere, please. Now here's what I would love. I would love to find out actually that his story about being 15 and this woman was a lie.

I don't think that happens, but like that's, that's sort of my fan. I thought it was interesting too, that it's then revealed that he's been to dinner with that. Mrs. Robinson. Yes. Does that character show up? I would think so. And who is that? Like, you know, I'm, I'm trying to, Kim Cattrall, honey. I don't know. Ah,

I think in one of them they get married because I think I remember a trailer. Oh, okay. I think. They get married? I believe it. I think they do. I really think they do. You're not saying about the Sex and the City 2 trailer. That might have been it. Well, also, I'm assuming, and forgive me if I'm just grossly wrong, but if it follows the general arc of Twilight, they will get married, they will get pregnant, and the baby will eat itself up.

The baby will eat its way out of her belly. Is that what happens? Yes, and then it will imprint on Jacob. What? Is this real? Yes. What are you talking about? What do you mean, what am I talking about? It ate it out of her belly? It puts the lotion in the basket. It really does do that, though? Yeah. She's dead? No. How could you survive a baby eating its way out of you? I don't know. God, no.

Don't you wish you were here on Friday to find out? Oh, God. My bold prediction is this.

I hope that gray industry is craters. That's what I think. I think that gray industry is going downhill. We know that business was going poorly. I think that it craters. He spirals. She goes out fucking a bunch of people. She gets a lot of sexual experience. That'd be nice. That'd be nice. That'd be nice. That'd be nice. So he has no money in him? No, we don't want to ever see that. Ha ha ha.

Jude, you're absolutely right. I would like it to be... There has to be wealth with pink. To a degree that is, like, again, not right. You know? No one person should have this amount. That's what I'm looking for. I thought it was egregious that he sold her car. I thought that... How...

He's got a giant garage. Keep it. If you gift her a car, wonderful. Do not sell her vintage bug. By the way, she's got a Toriemo CD in there. Now what are you going to do with that? Yeah. That's what I was curious. Okay, so I didn't. This Cinderella story is rotten. I didn't.

believe that he actually sold it. Oh, you think it's going to be in the sequel? It might be. That's my prediction. In his Jay Leno's garage full of cars. It's like a Jitterbug sequel. I would love it if Christian Grey was played by Jay Leno. That'd be casting. Who'd

Jay Leno. Denim on denim. And here's my casting. Jay Leno now and Dakota Johnson now. Just age it up. Oh, God. Here's the thing. What if in the second movie, the actress who plays the Mrs. Robinson is Melanie Griffin? Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Somebody lost their minds. Did anybody, when they were watching this movie, I was in a Whole Foods watching it. And you were also in the green room watching it. Yeah, I was. I really packed it in. So did they in this movie. That's what she said. But my main response over and over again was out loud, ew, ew. Was anyone else?

else have that, ew, like that? That was my main reaction to this film. I wasn't even, ew. I was just kind of like, all right. I wanted to be, I wanted this movie to be horny. What's that? I watched the unrated version. Wait a minute. What? Yeah. Where's that? Seven minutes extra stuff. Seven minutes of heaven? There's seven minutes of extra heaven? It's not. It's all pubes. It's just pubes. More pubes.

No, actually just more office scenes. That's the best part. Would you recommend this movie, Jason? Fuck yeah. June? Absolutely. Jess? Ew. I would say yes. I think that there's more here on Rediscovery. I like it. I'm excited to go into next episode where we talk about the sequel of this film, Fifty Shades of

or deeper? I don't know. It's the second one. We're going to watch that. And now, thank you everybody for coming out here tonight. What a show.

That's our show. Thanks again to our honorary fourth host, Jessica St. Clair and the amazing staff at Largo. Do not worry. We will be releasing all of our episodes from our 50 shades of gray series throughout the next couple of months. So stay tuned for more coverage on the least sexy sex movies ever made. Now, if you want to feel like you are a part of our 50 shades of gray live show, you can get the shirt that we designed, uh,

for the audience. That's right. We designed a Gray Corporation shirt. That's right. Christian Gray has a nonsensical company that includes business, telecommunications, independent publishing, blow-dry bars, and charity. And you can buy that shirt at tpublic.com slash stores slash hdtgm. And if you've been dying to attend one of our live shows, well, you're in luck. We still have some tickets left for our tour in the UK. And

Ireland. I think that the most tickets are available in Belfast, but we just sold out in Glasgow and Dublin, and we are moments away from selling out in London. So get those tickets and head to hdtgm.com to find out what movies we're doing and to purchase tickets. And just to let you know, check out the movie Scramble. June appears in this film. It's an independent film that's really funny about a 35-year-old woman who goes on a quest to freeze her eggs, and it's not

as easy as she thought it would be. The movie is hilarious. June is great. I love this movie. Check it out. Leah McKendrick wrote and directed it. It's fantastic. And I know I've mentioned this a few times, but my book, Joyful Recollections of Trauma, is now available to pre-order. And pre-ordering is so important. It's actually more important than buying it the week it comes out. So pre-order my book right now. And if you do that, save your receipt, head to my website, and you can sign up to get

a personalized postcard from me, plus access to a part of my website where I will have exclusive material that no one has ever seen. I'm talking about pictures and videos, and it's only for pre-ordering people only. I appreciate all the support I've already gotten from our amazing How Does This Get Made audience in pre-ordering this book, and I just...

Want to let you know? I really, really appreciate it. So you're going to buy something. I'm going to give you something. And my hand might fall off, but I can't wait to sign something for you. And as always, if you have a correction or omission from this last episode, we want to know about them. Go to our Discord at discord.gg slash hdtgm or leave me a voicemail at 619.

Paul ask, then make sure you tune in next week for our last looks, follow-up episode to hear me respond to your messages. Plus Jason will stop by for a chat. And as always, we will announce our next movie. Remember you can find us everywhere online at HDTGM. And if you love the show, please tell your friends that's the way the word spreads. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, make sure.

You are following us. And last but not least, I got to say thank you to all of our listeners who support this show and our entire behind-the-scenes staff who keeps this show running. I am talking about our producers, Scott Sani, Molly Reynolds, our movie-picking producer, Avril Halle, our associate producer, Jess Cisneros, and our engineers, Casey Holford and Rich Garcia. That's all I got. Bye for now. See you next week. I just can't be... Here I go

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