Matinee Monday: Jingle All The Way (w/ Joe Mande)
35:38 Share

How long have these meal kits been in my fridge? One week? Two? How much am I spending on these? Hey, Erica.

Did my subscription go up? When your questions about life turn into questions about money, there's Erica, the virtual financial assistant to help you spend, save, and plan smarter. Only from Bank of America. What would you like the power to do? Erica is only available in the English language. You must download the latest version of the mobile banking app only available on select mobile devices. Your chat may be recorded and monitored for quality assurance. Message and data rates and additional terms may apply. Bank of America and a member FDIC.

Hey, everybody. Just wanted to give you a quick heads up here. There's something we should all be doing. It's going to improve your life, make every day a little bit better, and that is eat more Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Yes, think about it. All the gurus, all the coaches out there, they've never said the words,

eat more Reese's. I mean, that combination of sweet chocolate and salty peanut butter. I mean, this is something that brings other people and ourselves joy. That's why there's two in a pack. Shop Reese's peanut butter cups now at a store near you, found wherever candy is sold and often in my pantry because I love these.

Hey, everybody. Sweater weather is over and sweaty weather has begun. And that's why you need a pair of Bombas socks because they are a premium extra long staple cotton sock that feels light on your feet all summer long. I love my Bombas. Why? Because they support my arch. So get ready to get comfy and give back. Head over to Bombas.com slash bonkers. Use the code bonkers for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-O-N-K-E-R-S.

BAS.com slash bonkers and use the code bonkers at checkout. Nothing says Christmas more than Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's right. We watched the best worst Christmas movie of all time where Arnold Schwarzenegger wants you to know one thing. I'm not a pervert. I just was looking for Turbo Man doll. That's right. We saw Jingle All The Way, so you know what that means. Now it's time for...

Hello people of Earth and welcome to How Did This Get Made, the holiday edition. I believe this is dropping the week of Christmas, so Merry Christmas to you who celebrate Christmas and then Happy Holidays to those who don't. Uh,

I am joined as always. You don't want to say happy Hanukkah? Well, Hanukkah's over. Oh, you're right. Hanukkah's over. No, it's not.

It's not? I thought it happens early in the month. When does it start this month? Three days before Christmas. What? And it would just be nice to hear it. Guys, then happy Hanukkah. Take a sincere happy Hanukkah for you. Like we said, this is our holiday episode, so we of course picked a holiday movie. It's Jingle All The Way. I'm joined as always by June and Jason. Hello. How are you both? What's going on? Hi, Paul. And we have a very special guest. You've already heard him. Joe Mandy is here. Welcome, Joe. Hi. Thank you. Thank you.

How are you? Happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah indeed. All right, jingle all the way. Wow. Wow, let's get into this movie. I never had seen this movie as a kid. I didn't either. And I am bummed that I've missed out years of holding this. I'm actually realizing that I haven't seen Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting, really. Like, I've never seen him...

This might be his best acting. Are you serious? Well, I mean, I really believed he was a terrible father. Right. That landed for you. I do love movies where Schwarzenegger is just a normal guy. There's no comment on the fact that he is this awesome.

Massive Austrian dude. That's the thing. Nobody ever comments on the fact that he's Austrian. Yeah. You know, which he's like, he has a crazy accent, but he's acting like the all-American dad, which he is just not. You're my favorite customer. You're my favorite customer. Well, so much so, and I'm sorry I jumped to the end, but when there's another guy at the Christmas Eve parade who also has an Austrian accent...

who has a little Turbo Man mask on, like nobody questions like, oh, there's another guy in this small town who's enormous, who has an Austrian accent. - Yeah, who knows my, who knows the son's name? Jamie! I want to give the dog to Jamie! And then he's like, he knows my name, not like, my dad is Turbo Man. - We're skipping ahead, first of all. - Sorry. - We're skipping ahead, let's take a break. - Basically this movie-- - Guys, I'm so sorry. - No.

- You feel as guilty as I do about that Monica thing. - We just wanna skip to the end. - Joe, I'm so sorry. Oh God, I ruined it.

There's so many things here that I was confused about. Really? What? Everything made so much sense. First of all, let's talk about Phil Artman's character. Yeah. Who's introduced in the beginning. Is it clear that he's a divorced dad or that happened just like 30 minutes later? Because they don't set it up. It is not clear. Well, they have that thing in the beginning where he's like all the women are like flirting with him and it's like insinuated that he's like banging all the wives. Yeah.

When he's at the karate? Yeah. It's insinuated, but he acts like a weirdo, like, asexual dude. Yeah. And he's just like, why all these women keep talking to me? And then halfway through the movie... He's basically Ned Flanders in that sense. Yeah, exactly. And then he turns the switch and suddenly he's, like, sexually assaulting... Yes. No, you know what I'm realizing, though? Because I was confused by that opening scene with the other women, but...

Because his reaction, he keeps on turning to Rita Wilson like, oh, I hate this. And now I'm realizing that that was actually the game he was playing with her. He felt that way all along about Rita Wilson. He is. He's playing the long game. So many levels in this performance. It was so patient. It was so patient. Which is typical for sex maniacs. It's also typical for- Take it real slow. Take it real slow. Also typical for anybody who wants to get into Rita Wilson's fans. How do you think Tom Hanks got there, guys?

Hanks played it long. Really long. Hanks, he lay and he waited. Then he pounced on Wilson. I just want to set up, this is a small note. It's a kid's movie, sure. But there are a couple of things. The karate class is taking place at the local school. It's not in a karate facility. And it's more of a karate recital. Yes. It really is a Christmas karate recital. That happens the day before Christmas Eve, the big time. Also, there's so many things. It's such stupid...

I mean, the whole beginning of the movie is just a giant setup for the third act. It's like, oh, there's a big parade this afternoon. Oh, it's icy. You better take care of those tires. Oh, I have a Turbo Man doll. It's underneath my tree. It's like every possible thing. And I have a reindeer. And I have a reindeer. Oh, my God. Well, we can talk about it later, but...

Suffice to say, when Arnold Schwarzenegger punches the reindeer out and the reindeer says, ow. Best moment. Is right about where I lost my mind in this movie. He punches it out and the reindeer goes, ow. Well, there's also a part where he tries to pet the reindeer and it snaps at him like a dog. And then later when he comes outside and there's a reindeer charging him, he goes, nice doggy. Nice doggy. What are you doing?

It's a reindeer. Where is this reindeer being housed during the quarantine? Why is there a reindeer in the backyard? In the backyard. Yeah.

All right, so the whole premise of the movie is that Schwarzenegger is kind of a delinquent father. It seems that he has never been home his entire life. He's not up on... Well, those box springs aren't going to sell themselves. Is that what he's selling? Box springs? And apparently he works at the world's largest mattress facility because they cut to his Christmas party where he's just working, burning the midnight oil, selling box springs. It starts the same way as Die Hard, which I think is why he signed on. He read the first two pages like, I'll do it.

And he is selling box springs. He's not around for his kid. His kid wants his Turbo Man action doll. And he's got to get the Turbo Man doll. Now, here's the thing that I didn't realize.

This movie was so horribly reviewed because they made Turbo Man toys for Christmas. Oh, wow. So it was, most people, when you watch this movie, it was a giant commercial for a fictional thing that they made. So it was like, yeah, it's about this Cabbage Patch, you know, Transformer, whatever. But it was actually, they made it. They made it. They made the thing. God.

This movie, I feel like this movie was as if people put a bunch of scene ideas onto cards, spun them in like a lotto loop, and then pulled them out every one and was like, okay, and next scene is he goes to a diner, his car runs out of gas. Next scene is...

Santa's Workshop, Corrupt Con Man Santa's Gang Fight, Santa Ninja. Slot it in. Slot it in. Put it on the board. I got to just disclaimer. I grew up in St. Paul, Minnesota where this movie takes place and I remember them filming it and it was a really big deal. Were you an extra at all? I was not an extra but I was at the Mall of America one day when they were shooting the movie so I saw...

Schwarzenegger's body double slide into the ball pit. What does Schwarzenegger's body double look like? Is he as big as Schwarzenegger? I don't remember. Also, they shot the movie, I believe, in like April or May. So everyone's wearing jackets and it was like hot outside. Yeah. Well, this, I mean...

So Schwarzenegger goes on what you could argue is the longest daylight day in human history. I kept being like, is it night yet? Yeah. You know, again, I don't notice these things, but that day was so long. The lighting outside never changed. No. It didn't start off as morning. It didn't change into midday. And the way that he went around that city-

It seems, I mean, the movie ends at a holiday parade that is in pure daylight. It's not an evening parade. There's no evening element to it. But there has been the equivalent of 40 hours of day. Yes.

Because of what he's accomplished. He lives in the Alaskan part of Minneapolis. But yeah, it was such a crazy thing. And then, I mean, I also want to talk about the direction on this. Schwarzenegger in this whole movie is shot either from like a camera looking up into his face or really tight close-ups. So it looks like it's almost like bad 3D. So it's always like his face is like, oh. I think a BBC critic says that Schwarzenegger has the comedic timing of a dead moose. Yeah.

Oh my God. There is like, that face is always like, he's always getting hit by something, making crazy faces. It's clear he has no concept of humor when he's like trying to be funny. Yeah. Like it's so painful to watch. And everyone's improvising around him too. That's why I think this movie makes no sense at all. Sinbad-

a woman. Yeah. He chokes a woman. He not only does he choke a woman, but he, uh, he gets beaten up at a toy store at one point and yells Rodney King, Rodney King. And then again, again, I miss that. Yeah. He yells that. And then he gets punched again and he goes, watch out, be careful. I've got sickle cells. So it's just like, he was saying like, they just kept everything in. Well, I said like, I felt like every bit that he did in this movie were like,

Deleted bits from Sinbad's stand-up. It was like, this didn't make it in. It's not as funny as what his stand-up would be. This is kind of like the B-cuts. Some stuff makes no sense. Like at one point when he screams out, like, I've seen the movie Vertigo. Does that mean anything to you? Yeah, does that mean anything to you? No, it doesn't. This is some of Sinbad's little stand-up. Here we go. You know it's all a ploy, don't you? A ploy.

Man, where have you been? Don't you watch TV? We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels. Oh, come on. Now you got these big fat cats sitting there using working class tips like me and you. They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisement, and then they sit there and use subliminal measures

to suck your children's minds out. And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology, so I'm right in there. I know what's going on. And then they sit there and make a kid feel like garbage if you, the father, who's working 24-7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me. And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's a little cheap plastic.

It just seems like the cadence of stand-up without any jokes to it. And this is where he starts to choke a woman. Apparently this part was written for Joe Pesci, but they recast it at the last minute with Sinbad. Well, that makes sense. Because Joe Pesci was too short next to Schwarzenegger. But that makes more sense. He's crazy and a bad guy. What's so interesting about that is that Sinbad was originally cast in Goodfellas.

And Scorsese at the last minute replaced him with Joe Pesci. Bad move. Just think of what that movie could have been. This whole movie is just like a giant soundboard, like an R. Schwarzenegger soundboard, too. It's like, he's not kosher. I'm not a pervert. Don't eat my cookies. Get your mother. It's like they're the best things of all time. Also, the whole movie revolves around him getting a Turbo Man doll, and he's incapable of saying the word turbo. Yeah.

It sounds like he's saying Tim Tebow. Like, Tebow man. Tebow man. It also sort of felt like Sinbad never had a son. No, no. I felt that too. Like, that Turbo Man doll was just for him. Like that twist in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles with John Candy's wife is the dad. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, you don't see Sinbad's kid. Also, I mean, Sinbad is a bad dude. Besides choking a woman, he brings a bomb. He's a terrorist. He's a terrorist twice. He's like a homicidal government worker. Alcoholic, ties up a parade worker, steals his costume, and gets into a fist fight and chases a kid up a tree. Yeah, it's so racist. He's the only black character except for the weird...

Waiter in the diner? No, and the black family. Who was not invited to the Christmas Eve parade. While they're saying grace. Yes. Remember? The black family having grace as Arnold Schwarzenegger as Turbo Man flies through their living room. Destroys their house. He destroys their house. Because that, you know what they were asking for. Yeah, they were praying. You know?

They should be at the Wintertainment Parade. That Wintertainment Parade is so heavily produced, too. Oh my god, it's massive. This was really... The Wintertainment Parade, at the end of the movie, Schwarzenegger somehow gets himself into the Turbo Man costume and then proceeds... The Turbo Man costume in this movie works fine.

fully functional. Yeah. Like, it has jetpacks that can fly you into outer space almost. Projectile discs. Projectile discs, boomerangs that work. Everything on this costume works. If this worked, people would be wearing it. Soldiers would be bringing this into battle the way that they had this. Oh, absolutely. I loved...

And we've not spoken yet about the Jim Belushi. Oh, yeah. That's the best part of the movie. That guy who plays the elf, I feel like if we IMDB'd him, has been a Christmas elf. He was a Seinfeld elf. In 700 things. Yeah.

I did appreciate though there was one little person in that sequence who was dressed as a Santa. Yeah, a little Santa. A little Santa. And I believe, I did not check this out, but Vern Troyer was one of the extra... I think so too. I think you're right. He was one that gets punched and flies. This underground workshop was where they were selling toys on the black market, right? Stolen, yes. Was it the cartel? Yeah, this is the toy cartel.

Why were they all in costumes? Who fucking knows? Okay, all right. Just had to ask. I had to ask. The women were in Santa's helper costumes as if they were from the North Pole. We're not explaining this. Yeah. He goes to the Mall of America. No, we don't need to explain this. What are you talking about? Well, okay. Sorry. I don't know how to explain it. No, no. Please do. He goes to the Mall of America to enter a lottery to get one of the last Turbo Man dolls in the state. Okay.

And the way the lottery works is everyone gets bouncy balls, like Super Balls. Yeah, Super Balls with numbers on them. Totally normal. The workers are overwhelmed at one point, and they throw... Chris Parnell throws... Oh, that's a... He's the first one. This is the different one. Oh, you're right. You're right. They throw all these bouncy balls into the air. Yeah, and then...

So, yeah, so then he doesn't get a bouncy ball and dejected walks around the Mall of America, bumps into Jim Belushi as a Santa Claus. A degenerate Santa. A degenerate Santa who... And by the way, the bouncy... When he's searching for that bouncy ball, that's probably about a 10-minute sequence. Where he's literally chasing... A 10-minute action sequence. That is an action sequence where he is chasing a yellow ball around the mall. Some of which involves just...

You know, we're saying action sequence, but part of it is him riding in an elevator. Yes! Yes! It's an action sequence that's like... And then it's just him going from, like, the third floor in a glass elevator to the first... Like, so... So slow. Walking to Legoland. Yes, there are a number of montages I wrote. Nothing happened in this montage.

Today's podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I love Squarespace. I'm in the middle of trying to balance my business life and my real life. This work-life balance, it's tough. But Squarespace has been helping me by giving me the tools to reach my goals and have time to celebrate. That's right, Squarespace is the all-in-one

website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. With the guided design system of Squarespace Blueprint, you can select from curated layouts to styling options optimized for every device. Get your website discovered fast with integrated optimized SEO tools. Plus, make checkout easy for customers with easy-to-use payment tools. You can accept credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay. Plus, with Squarespace AI, you can explain what your site is about. You choose your tone and enter what you need to get auto-generated.

perfect text. Anyway, I love Squarespace. I've been building sites with them from the beginning. And when I launched my book, I said, I'm doing it all myself on Squarespace. And I'm very pleased with it. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash bonkers to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Have kids at home? Then you know parenting is hard. From balancing family with work to juggling the family calendar, you might need some help. If you need a sitter or nanny, then you gotta check out Care.com. Sure, you could use social media to find sitters or nannies, but how reliable are those referrals, really? I mean, there's a reason why 29 million families have turned to Care.com. Every caregiver you hire is background checked, which is

so important for peace of mind. It is easy to find full-time, part-time, or even occasional help for date nights or even a day to yourself. You can search for sitters and nannies in your neighborhood, view rates, and book highly rated caregivers that fit your budget and schedule. Even better, you can reach out to multiple caregivers for interviews and message safely in the app. No more phone tag. Get the help and the break you deserve with Care.com. You'll be glad you did. That's Care.com.

When you're hiring for your small business, you want to find quality professionals that are right for the role. That's why you have to check out LinkedIn Jobs. LinkedIn Jobs has the tools to help you find the right professionals for your team faster and for free. LinkedIn isn't just a job board. LinkedIn helps you hire professionals you can't find anywhere else, even those who aren't actively searching.

70% of users don't visit other leading job sites. If you're not looking on LinkedIn, you're looking in the wrong place. LinkedIn knows that small businesses might not have the time or resources, so they're constantly finding ways to make the process easier. 86% of small businesses get a qualified candidate within 24 hours. They even just launched a feature that helps you write job descriptions, making the process even easier and quicker. Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash LinkedIn.

valuable that's linkedin.com valuable to post your job for free terms and conditions apply this is also he also uh simbad another fault of simbad sprays arnold schwarzenegger in the face with mace yeah he's like oh mace schwarzenegger also gets tasered in this movie in the ass

In the ass, that elf tasers him in the ass. And dogpiled by Jim Belushi. Dogpile with Jim... Okay, sorry, go ahead, Joe. So then he talks. Jim Belushi says, like, I have black market...

Toys. Toys, if you want. I have a Turbo Man. So then they go to this warehouse near the Mississippi River, and when they walk in, everyone is dressed as Santas and Santa's helpers and elves. And they're making toys. Now, the idea of it, I guess, in my mind, is that they have toys that no one can get, but all the toys that are in production are like big blue bears. That you win at a carnival. Yeah. I'm

I'm actually realizing, though, I think I do understand now why they're in costume. I think we're to understand that these are all the workers from malls. Yeah, right. Okay, see, I didn't even understand. But why are they pulling double shifts? Because, I'll tell you why. Or why wear your costumes in the... Because, you guys, they don't have time to change out of them. Don't worry about that. But they know what toys are the hottest toys of the year.

Sure. And that's why they're waiting until Christmas Eve to make it and sell it. And it comes into play in a second. One of the toys they're making and selling on the black market are fake badges because every kid wants a fake badge for Christmas. And they're always sold out. It's believable enough that when the cops show up, Schwarzenegger can use the fake badge in order to claim that he's an undercover police detective from Austria. Who's been working on this case for three years. I mean, like,

What are you doing? You guys, this is the worst. You ruined my case. You ruined my case. You better arrest somebody. Why doesn't anybody be like, where are you from? Who are you? We're in St. Paul. Yes. You don't belong. And what kind of case did they ruin? They busted the entire ring in one stop shopping. They didn't ruin anything. And by the way, at this point, they're furiously making toys. It must be like 4 p.m.

Yeah, how many more toys do you start? It's kind of over, yeah. It seems like Turbo Man is the only toy that they should be making. But no, the blue bears are just as hot. I also want to point out that, like, Schwarzenegger's like, I won't hit a Santa.

Why? This guy is a scumbag who just stole $300 for you by selling you a fake Turbo Man toy. He has a bleeding heart, though. He also gives Sinbad about 15 chances after he's maced him. There's a difficult message in this movie for... I would think if you're a kid watching it... It's a kid's movie, right? The Santas are constantly being revealed to not really be Santa. They're being beaten up. There's a real...

honesty about the fraudulent nature of Christmas. Yeah. Which I'm like, which I kept being like, how is this a kids movie? Like they're revealing stuff that kids would be like, wait a minute. I feel like. Yeah. Well, I'm just putting that out there guys. Well, I mean, you didn't know when you were little that the Santas at the mall weren't actually Santa. Yeah.

Oh, I thought it was Santa. Yeah, me too. Okay. Did you not think that? No, I thought that they, I never thought that those guys were actually Santa. Oh, wow. Wow, how jaded you were. Yeah, look at that. I do love that Schwarzenegger's like, I won't hit a Santa, but I will pull his beard back far enough that when it slaps him in the face, it will make him do a double over flip. Like, what kind of elastic is this? Again, it's like, it borders on like slapsticky kid movie, and then it gets like oddly adult in parts. It goes back and forth.

We didn't talk about in that same scene you were just talking about. Oh, yeah. When he's fighting with the gang, when the Santas all fight Schwarzenegger and it turns into like a fight sequence. Yeah. There is a Santa who has candy cane nunchucks and is a ninja. And is old. I just wrote ninja Santa down because that was too stupid. Well, because just in case someone did cause trouble, they had candy cane nunchucks. That's a hot toy on Christmas Eve. Yeah.

They have to make nunchucks out of candy. I feel like the director at some point pulled Jim Belushi aside and was like, listen, this scene is going to be pretty iconic in this movie. I want to push in on you at one point, and I want you to, just like your brother said, food fight, I want you to say dog pile. It is exactly the same thing. Exactly. You're right. It's the same camera movement, and it's the same dog pile.

You know, like, it's crazy. This is my food fight. I didn't even realize that. It is his food fight. It is identical. So meanwhile, while Schwarzenegger is running out trying to get the Turbo Man toy and having all of his trials and tribulations, at home, Phil Hartman is making the moves on his wife, Rita Wilson, who... On Schwarzenegger's wife. Oh, yeah, Schwarzenegger's wife. And Schwarzenegger calls up, and this is a little interaction between Schwarzenegger and Phil Hartman, which has the classic cookies line. Ted, I need to speak to Liz. Could you get... Oh!

Oh, excuse me, but your wife's cookies are out of this world. What? Who told you you can eat my cookies? I'm just helping Liz out a little in the kitchen. She's making up a storm here. Oh, these cookies. I got to get the recipe from Liz. What?

that cookie down now! So Phil Hartman really improvising up a storm. He's funny in it, but also some things make no sense. Like when he's like, oh, these cookies! I don't understand what that is trying to get at, that he's eating his cookies. Is he prodding Schwarzenegger? Yeah. Because there's a part at the end where Rita Wilson's very mad at Schwarzenegger for literally...

Coming as close as he can to burning down Phil Hartman's house. Like, really? Yeah. Like, lighting the house on fire. And then Phil Hartman is like, I'm going to go drive your wife to the parade. You're not allowed. And then he turns around and goes, you can't bench press your way out of this one.

So that's the only reference to him being a bodybuilder in the movie. I feel like at a certain point in this movie, I kept waiting for him to be like, oh, wait a minute. No, I'm a robot. And I thought this was my life. This has been a program. I am Turbo Man. I am Turbo Man. Like, it's...

The movie, he did not belong in this world so clearly. It was insanity. Everywhere he went, every person, when he's talking to Martin Mull, and Martin Mull's like, oh, 911, 911. And he's like, I want the doll. I want the doll. Also, the radio station is running a promotion. They have the last Turbo Man doll, and they want you to name all the seven reindeer. Right. And Schwarzenegger tries to call, but he can't get through, so he decides to run to the radio station. Hmm.

That would be faster than finding another phone. Well, it's only two blocks away, thank God. Thank God. He runs to the radio station the entire way with Sinbad reciting all the seven reindeers as if letting Sinbad in. Sinbad could clearly steal it. But Sinbad has a plan, which is bringing a bomb to the radio station, which actually he doesn't think it's a bomb, but it actually turns out to be a bomb. Well, not that one. Not that bad.

Yeah, the second package. What I couldn't figure out... The second bomb. The one that blows up the police. Yes. The one that blows up the radio workers was a fake bomb. The one that blows up the police, real bomb. What I couldn't figure out is they were running the two blocks from the diner to the radio station.

is so slowly. I feel like the director was like, hey, you guys are running too fast. The camera can't keep up with you. So can you look like you're running fast but be running really slow? We can't follow you. So they're really high-stepping and it's really weird. Meanwhile, Sinbad is inexplicably...

emptying his mail bag of mail. Just throwing mail onto the ground. He's trying to lighten his load so he can run faster. It's not working. But he's not lightening it with packages. He's lightening it with small envelopes. Or maybe he was just trying to find that bomb.

Oh, so the cops get blown up. Well, one cop gets blown up. The same cop. He's actually a state trooper, you guys. A state trooper for the Twin Cities. Twin Cities police. Twin Cities police. You're really into this. Yeah, I watched it closely. That's another person that's constantly chasing Schwarzenegger, the state trooper. First, they give him a ticket. Then Schwarzenegger runs over his motorcycle. And then Schwarzenegger blows him up. And then Schwarzenegger drops hot coffee on him. Scalding hot coffee. And by the way...

He's carrying, like, he's been really, like, badly, badly injured. Well, because he was blown up by a bomb, but the bomb fortunately had Looney Tunes qualities to it. Right, it was an Acme bomb. Yes, it just stained his face, like, you know, like just black. But his hands are completely bandaged. And so when Schwarzenegger's running right by him right before the Christmas Eve parade...

He's carrying a tray of like seven coffees. Yes. We've only known him as like a loner in this movie, but seven. It is the longest day ever. I don't know if you saw this because the whole movie's climax takes place at the parade. And the parade, there is a cop fighting.

float that he is on. He's the queen of the cop float. And there's also a giant trampoline on the cop float where one cop is just doing flips on it. Why not? It's Christmas Eve. Celebrate the cops and the winter entertainment break because all kids want to look at the cop float. With a cop acrobat. Yeah.

It was like Ice-T came in to help write the parts of the movie because it's so anti-cop the whole way. Oh, yeah. Cops are just getting hurt and blown up. They're just a nuisance. Cops are just getting in the way of him getting his toy. But now the luck all comes together when Schwarzenegger is running away from a cop, trying to hide from him, mistaken as the actor that is supposed to play Turbo Man in the parade. Right, because he's a giant Austrian bodybuilder. No, I also...

I also don't know if they're trying to hide the fact that he's going to be Turbo Man, but he's so clear. The camera's trying to do it very cleverly. Like, what is he getting in clear? Nobody's saying what they mean. But he clearly is getting into the Turbo Man costume. And Booger from Revenge of the Nerds is playing his partner in the Thanksgiving movie. I like to think of him as Agnes Mesto's boyfriend in Moonlighting.

Booster. Booster. He's playing Booster, the dog that everyone hates from the Turbo Man TV show. Why does everyone hate him? That also seemed no reason. That dog didn't seem to be... Like, your kid would be happy with a Booster doll. Yeah. And just wait a week and then get a Turbo Man doll. Yeah. I'm going to be such a good dad. People hate... You're going to be so awesome. Such a good, negligent dad.

So then the whole finale takes place at this parade. This becomes a full-on... By the way, there's nothing Christmassy about this parade. No. It's a winter- It's a winter-tainment. Yeah, it's winter-tainment. Kind of back to the way that I gave my greeting. You know, winter is just all about Sonic the Hedgehog and Rock'em Sock'em Robots. Rock'em Sock'em Robots and a cabbage patch doll. Yep. And wait, what did they high-five about? Was it Snoopy or something else? Or the two kids high-fived? Oh, yeah. What did they high-five about?

Oh, man. Oh, cat in the hat. Cat in the hat! High five. Well, also, like, I think that they gave, like, Rita Wilson's, like, they see the Turbo Man float. You talked about this when Rita Wilson just laughs. Rita Wilson, when the Turbo Man float is revealed, everybody's so excited. I felt like the direction of this movie was just, like...

Extras just laugh. Everybody just please start laughing. Rita Wilson laughs so hard when she sees that your romance float come out. There's nothing funny about it. It's the craziest reaction I've ever seen. She's not recognizing her husband. She's just going, oh, that's so funny. She's just remembering that her husband almost burned down a neighbor's house and then she just left. She's like, in her mind, right? You're Rita Wilson. In your character's mind, your marriage is over.

Your husband is a maniac. And your child's not getting the one thing that he wants for Christmas, Turbo Man. And you are wet in your pants for Phil Hartman. Well, no, she turns down Phil Hartman. She hits him in the head with a thermos because he's trying to... There's a lot of women in this movie hitting men with purses and thermoses. Oh, man. So they're on this float. The fight scene gets crazy. Schwarzenegger...

is allowed to pick one kid from the audience to give the Turbo Man toy to. Great convenience there. He picks his son, the son gets it, and then all of a sudden... Jamie! Jamie! Then Sinbad has now kidnapped another man. Turbo Man knows my name.

And no one recognizes him. The costume for Turbo Man, by the way, is not like a Batman cow. It is a clear plastic mask. He's basically wearing sunglasses. Yes, he's basically wearing like... Oakleys. Yeah. Like ugly Oakleys. That is it. He looks just like Schwarzenegger. Wait, you mean Annie Oakley's dad? Ugly Oakley? Ugly Oakley.

Hi guys, Amy Nicholson from unspooled here and the national sales event is on at your Toyota dealer making now the perfect time to get a great deal on a dependable new truck, like a rugged half ton Tundra combining raw capability with premium comfort and advanced tech to fuel your wildest adventures or check out the fully redesigned Tacoma delivering trail dominating power and captivating style. The new Tacoma was born to make your off-roading dreams come true.

Check out more national sales event deals when you visit buyatoyota.com. Toyota, let's go places.

Have you ever browsed an incognito mode? You probably think, oh, wow, that's safe. It's not. Not as safe as you think. In fact, all of your online activity is still 100% visible to a ton of third parties unless you use ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN reroutes 100% of your traffic through secure encrypted servers so third parties can

can't see your browsing history. And it is so easy to use. Fire up the app and click one button to get protected. It works on all devices, phones, laptops, tablets, and more. ExpressVPN is rated number one by top tech reviewers like CNET and The Verge.

And I got to tell you, whenever I connect to public Wi-Fi at a coffee shop or at the airport, I always use ExpressVPN because you never know how secure a public network is. And I feel so much more at ease knowing that I'm not being tracked. So protect your online privacy today by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash HDTGM. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash HDTGM. And you can get an extra three months free. ExpressVPN.com slash HDTGM.

Drive into summer with the Honda CR-V and Accord, your fun-to-drive weekend getaway vehicles. From Honda, the 2024 Kelley Blue Book's KBB.com Best Value brand. So hurry in to the Honda Summer Event. For a limited time, well-qualified buyers can get a 2.9% APR on a 2025 CR-V or 2024 Accord. See dealer for financing details based on 2024 Consumer Choice Awards from Kelley Blue Book. Visit KBB.com for more information.

So basically Sinbad has kidnapped another member of the parade. There's a giant fight scene where then Sinbad goes off and starts chasing Schwarzenegger's kid up a building onto a...

Like, I don't even know, like a Christmas tree that then breaks from the combined weight of Sinbad and this kid. They're hanging loose 50 feet or 50 stories above there. And everyone's like, this is part of the show. Why does Sinbad have to dress up like the villain of Turbo Man? Why can't he just, in his postman's outfit, try and get the...

Because the cops will probably stop him. At this point, they're going to think he's part of the show. People need to think he's part of the show, Jason. I guess so. One thing I was embarrassed about, a genuine laugh that came out of my mouth was when Sinbad kept calling Turbo Man Turtle Man. I laughed at Turtle Man. My genuine laugh came out of the fact when Sinbad is running through the parade. He's trying to get away because he's stolen the Turbo Man doll from a child.

And he pushes a dancing person in the parade who's dressed like a box and goes, out of my way, boxing! That's great. That box later saved his life. It did save his life. You know what I would love? I would love to do a shot-for-shot remake, or an almost shot-for-shot remake of this movie, focusing on Sinbad's character as like a what-about-Bob kind of. I love this idea that he has no children. He's an alcoholic postman who has decided that today he's going to commit suicide after getting this doll. I think he's cute.

He's killed his actual postman. I think he's like a suicide by cop type of dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. He's just trying to end it. There is a dark, dark movie here if it's focused on Sinbad's character. You cut to his house. He's stuffed his entire family there around the Christmas table. Stuffed them with people's mail. Oh, man. And then I guess the moral of the whole movie is...

You don't need a toy when you have the real thing. Is that the moral? Basically, the moral is you don't need this little toy when you have a bigger toy that's real. Yeah, because basically, like, Jamie, Schwarzenegger's kid, Jamie, gives the toy to Sinbad. Sinbad is then going to take it to his kid. And he goes, but, Jamie, I thought you loved this toy. And he said. Jamie still doesn't realize. Wait, does he realize? No, he never realizes. Oh, yeah, he never realizes.

I never realized that. Oh, wait, no, I guess at this point he does. Oh, yeah, he does at the end. Because he tells him. I think only after he says, I'm your father. He goes like, Dad, why would I want the toy when I have the real Turbo Man at home? That's it. That's the moral. Well, the kid, I mean, the Christmas message is that he has the doll. The whole movie is trying to get the kid the doll. Then he gives the doll to Sinbad to give to his unseen child. Who may or may not exist. He still needs to give it to Sinbad.

Yeah, he gives it to Sinbad, and then that's it. The end. He's going to bring that doll to jail. He's going to jail. Yeah, he's going to jail. He's a terrorist. He blew up a radio station. He blew up policemen. He choked a woman, maced a guy. And also, this is the only Christmas movie I remember that never shows Christmas. You never see Christmas morning. You never see Christmas morning. You don't even see Christmas Eve at night. It just ends in the afternoon of Christmas. Yeah. Eve, what?

Oh, man. And, you know, this is something interesting. I wanted to bring this one thing up here, which is in 1998, this film was sued because someone said that they stole the entire script. The script had 36 similarities to another script that was submitted. And basically they were found guilty. The people who made this movie were found guilty of stealing the idea in order to pay $19 million. Was this a hit? It was a hit.

And so, but as they won that loss. So Randy Kornfield. This is like basically a high school teacher wrote this movie. That makes sense. And then Murray Hill president, Bob Rolero, got sued. Anyway, he got paid $19 million. As soon as it was awarded, the guy died.

Right before he got the 90 million. The guy, the original writer of the script got 90 million dollars. He just died. And then in 2004, this movie was in 1994. In 2004, they finally overturned it. And then no money got paid out to anybody. Oh, wow. 36 similarities in there. When I was, I think, in eighth grade, when this movie came out, I went to Italy with my family. And it was playing in Italy. But jingle all the way doesn't mean anything. Right.

What'd they call it? I don't know, like Christmas ravioli? I don't know. I just remember being like, it meant nothing. I just wish I could have seen that in Italy. Oh my God. But people must think Americans. What does this title mean anyway? Jingle All the Way Home. You know, obviously we didn't like the movie, but there are some people who really love the movie, so here's a chance for a second opinion. ♪

These are reviews called on Amazon of people that really love the movie. Arnie Fan wrote, I think the reason why people do not like this movie is that it hits too close to home. Yeah. This is a movie for people who can laugh at their problems. All right? And parents, people whose parents let them down and people who let their kids down do not like this movie. Because like I said, it hits too close to home. Ouch. Five stars. All right.

Wow, that person nailed it. Kirby Wallace writes, people don't like this movie probably because they didn't watch it to the end. Yeah, you turn it off and you're like, you know what? I didn't like this movie. Did you get to the parade? Because that's where it really gets good. Because he goes, it's not about materialism and purchase loyalties. It's about...

Christmas is not about materialism. So that is Kirby Wallace again. It's like the sun is not passing on the lessons that Arnold has learned at all. There is no Christmas Eve. Are you talking about his son in real life that he had?

Schwarzenegger, I did see an interview with Schwarzenegger where he goes that this is true to him because he does a lot of Christmas Eve shopping, so he knows what's going on. Yeah, I'm sure Christmas Eve's out in the malls. I do want to say there was one thing... Some of my legitimate and my illegitimate children. There was one thing I just want to hit on before we go, that the kid at one point gets into a fight with Schwarzenegger on the phone. He goes, just like Turbo Man says, keep your promises if you want to keep your friends.

When would Turbo Man ever say that in the Turbo Man show? Keep your promises if you want to keep your friends. You know, and now that you say that, that they manufactured the dolls and stuff, I bet they were going to do like a Turbo Man TV show, like Power Rangers style. They said that the movie was rushed so much they couldn't produce as many toys as they wanted or needed to get it out for Christmas. So it was just a giant ad. So I think that wraps it up for Jingle All The Way. Any thoughts? Anything that we didn't talk about? Anything that cares to be mentioned? Ash.

I hated this movie. Okay. This movie ruined Christmas. The ending of this, I'm realizing, is a lot like Old Dogs. By the way, it's exactly like Old Dogs. I thought the same thing when it was a jetpack.

I was like, oh, jetpack bad dad. Bad dad needs to rescue his kid with a jetpack. This is old dogs. By the way, when he was rescuing the kid in the jetpack, we've already seen him. The kid's dangling. Jamie's dangling off two-story buildings. For a really long time. Much like the kid in the tree in Superman 3. There's a lot of connections. And Arnold is having so much trouble with that jetpack. When he's in trouble, he loses control and is suddenly in Minneapolis. Yes. And then comes back to St. Paul. Right.

but I was like 15 miles away. Yeah, this movie has no difference between those two cities. No, they're the same thing. They have the same police force. By the way, I love my dad. He is amazing, but I would never want to see my dad in a jet pack. That is not a fantasy, but these Hollywood movies are like, put the dads in the jet pack. Kids really want their dads to be flying in. I also felt like Jamie was going to be safer just dropping off the building.

Than having Arnold grab him in that jetpack. Yeah. I think falling to his death is actually a better gift than getting a turbo man from his insane father. Well, that about wraps it up for How Did This Get Made? Thank you to Joe Mandy, who has one of my favorite Twitter accounts, at Joe Mandy. You can, of course, follow June and I, at June Diane, and at Paul Scheer. Jason, you do not have a Twitter account.

I want to thank everybody here at Earwolf for putting out this amazing holiday episode so quickly for you. And as always, if you like the show, please rate and review it on iTunes. We'll see you in the new year. Unless you're listening in the new year. Then we're seeing you now. Watching you every step. Earwolf.

Hi guys, Amy Nicholson from unspooled here and the national sales event is on at your Toyota dealer making now the perfect time to get a great deal on a dependable new truck, like a rugged half ton Tundra combining raw capability with premium comfort and advanced tech to fuel your wildest adventures or check out the fully redesigned Tacoma delivering trail dominating power and captivating style. The new Tacoma was born to make your off-roading dreams come true.

Check out more national sales event deals when you visit buyatoyota.com. Toyota, let's go places. Every sandwich has bread. Every burger has a bun. But these warm, golden, smooth steamed buns? These are special. Reserved for the very best. The Filet-O-Fish. And you. You can have them too.

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.