Matinee Monday: Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt 1 (w/ Doug Benson)
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It's a tale as old as time. Vampire loves a girl who wants to be a vampire, but that vampire doesn't want to turn the girl because that werewolf who loves her will kill her to protect his tribe. Plus, a baby-eating C-section. We imprinted with Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1, so you know what that means. Now it's time for...

Hello, people of Earth, and welcome to How Did This Get Made? The Twilight Breaking Dawn edition. As always, I am joined by my two co-hosts, Jason and June. How are you both? Good.

Good. Terrific. We have a very special guest today. This has been in the works for quite some time. You know him from his amazing podcast, Doug Loves Movies. Please welcome Doug Benson. Hey. What up? What up? All right. Twilight Breaking Dawn, part one. Part one.

I saw it. I done did it. I was a man alone in a theater with other people. I think I was the only person there that did not have a piece of Hello Kitty paraphernalia. At least the theater that I saw. I saw it in an empty theater.

I saw it with a couple of women in there, and there was one older woman probably in her 40s at the Arclight. And when they announced, when they made the theater announcements, the usher said, and just so you guys know, there's a scene, you know, at the end for the credits, so don't leave if you want to see it. And this woman goes, thank you so much for telling us. Yeah.

It's so funny because I just am amazed that people are still going to see this. I mean, we've waited a long time to talk about it, but the theater still has people inside of it.

This movie. Some people just, you know, they get around to it. I guess. They weren't that fired up for it, but it is a cultural phenomenon. I think a lot of people are seeing it twice, too. Yeah, and this was a movie that was, like, number one for many weeks. Yeah. It's huge. I sensed a fidgetiness amongst people, though. It might have just been my own, because it...

It moves at a snail's pace. Why split it up into two movies? Because you don't have enough. There's not enough happening. Here's why. It's like there's too much for the two Harry Potters, but there's not enough for two. No, it's because we've waited so long to see the two of them get together.

That this is supposed to be a big deal that they got together. We've waited movies to see them. We? Some of us have. Who is this we? Are you the Twihard? Do you read the books? I don't read the books. I've only seen the movies. Oh.

I don't like to read. That's how I am about everything. I don't like to read. I'm that way about everything. Whenever somebody's like, do you read the book? No. As soon as I hear it's going to be a movie, I'm like, don't have to read that one. I listen to the books on tape of Twilight, which are- Who reads that? Some random girl reads them, and they are so horribly written, it is shocking. The books, really? The first book is written in the first person. It's written as Bella. Yeah.

It's mental. You are listening to it like it is. It's so terrible. It's garbage. All right. Well, I want to talk about Bella. The movie opens with her voiceover. But it sounds like at least in the book, she has some thoughts and ideas. Nope. Barely. And expresses herself through words. Yes and no. Yes and no. If she's narrating the entire thing. Well, but I want to talk about her narration. The movie opens with her narration. And it feels like someone reading in front of a class, like a book report that they're embarrassed by. Yeah. Yeah.

Here I am. I'm talking. I'm like, what is that? She doesn't seem to ever commit to any of it. She seems like she's acting from outside. Like she thinks the Twilight movies are dumb. She's commenting on it as she does it. Her character has nothing to do. The poor girl has no motivation whatsoever.

Are you kidding me? She has so few lines of dialogue. When there's one or more people in a scene with her, she doesn't speak. People are just like, Bella thinks this. Bella wants this. Wait, Bella does this. Bella did that. It's like there is no... She has no agency. Can I just go barefoot? That's her big... That was it. I've been trying on these shoes for three days. I just can't get it. I'm hopeless. Please, tell me...

I wish I could be hopeless for eternity. I wish somebody would take care of me forever so I don't need to make decisions. Oh, wait. My immortal husband will. I'm married at 18. So if you don't know what the movie is about, basically Bella and Jacob are getting married at the beginning of this movie. What? Bella and Jacob? Oh, sorry. How dare you? What are you saying? Wow.

How dare you? You just lost all the people that care. Team Edward just freaked out. We all want Bella and Jacob together. I don't. You don't want Jacob? I know Jacob to me is just a fucking interloper from day one. From day one.

There's no character like this. There's no character like that in Romeo and Juliet. A guy that's just there. Well, if it doesn't work out, I'm fucking jumping on it. I mean, I guess there is. They sort of fight over her. But at the same time, yeah, the John Leguizamo character from Romeo and Juliet.

But then Edward brings Jacob to the wedding because Jacob doesn't show up because he's so upset that they're getting married. Well, that's why I love in the first, Jacob's shirt is off in the first five seconds of this movie. I was shocked he was wearing a shirt. It was close at five seconds. When he comes out of the house, the first scene is him coming out of his house wearing a shirt. And I was like, oh, wow. Comes right off.

What's weird about that, too, is that later on... Running and pulling it off at the same time. But he takes it off as he's turning into a wolf. Yes. But then later in the movie, there's just a smooth transition from him to... Well, I want to talk about this. Oh, that has never made sense in the entire run. Like, every Twilight movie is directed by a different person who's just like, well, in my world of Twilight, they don't have to take their clothes off first to change into an animal. But the clothes always explode. Because when they turn into a wolf, the clothes are...

But then Jacob comes. Jacob's constantly doing laundry. He really likes that shirt in the beginning. Right next to the Incredible Hulk. He and the Hulk go to the same laundromat. I think that whole woods is just full of little clothing drop-offs. That's what I'm getting. Where are you hiding these clothes? Because he turns into a wolf. He's a human, turns into a wolf, then turns back into a human. And he has two different outfits on. Yeah. He either stopped at home or he is leaving shirts behind a rock.

And if he's the Mercutio of this piece, he should be dead by now. Yeah. He shouldn't have lasted this long. The rest of the story is between... Yeah. Yeah. Because it could be his relatives that want to kill Bella if she turns into a vampire. It doesn't have to be him. Jacob has one expression, and it's this kind of... I don't know how you would quantify it. It's sort of like...

It's somber and it's irritated and it's like I would describe it as he's he's he thinks he heard somebody say something nasty about him and he's making the face that says, what did you just say?

Or he makes a conscious decision in his head. Or in his head is running over and over again, you're an adult, you're an adult, you're an adult. You're an adult man playing a wolf that turns into an adult man who's a wolf. Shapeshifter. Because when he shows up in the beginning at the wedding, which is already like, really?

He shows up. The wedding scene of this movie, act one is a wedding. Well, first of all, this movie's structure is garbage. It's like the deer hunter. It's the deer hunter all over again. A long wedding followed by nightmarish violence eventually. Eventually. I hope the next movie is Heaven's Gate. It feels like three hours later. But all these movies, the two that I have seen, it goes like this. Something big is going to happen. Something big is going to happen. Well, if that thing happens...

we're going to be in trouble. And then that thing happens and they solve it and it's over. But the whole movie, it's just angst for the entire movie. Teenage angst. Yeah, and the music just never lets up. The music is constantly saying this is... And when it's a happy moment, the music has to dance around and be happy. It can't just be quiet for a little bit. No, it's never quiet. And you were talking about this before we started taping, but her dad, the Tom Skerritt clone, he's not Tom Skerritt, but he looks just like Tom Skerritt. Yeah, Billy Burke as Tom Skerritt.

He, like, they all go to this wedding. How do they not know these people are fucking vampires? That's what I couldn't figure out. Does nobody know they're vampires? There's clearly a group of people at this wedding. Those crazy blonde ones show up. The crazy Russians dressed from the fucking 1900s. Their eyes are cat eyes. They're not even human eyes. I was like, what is happening right now? They move rapidly and crazily. Well,

But then they cut the wedding. They could jump up into trees. It's so great. They're carrying those logs. I think the idea is because they have several reaction shots of the guys and the real high school students looking at the ladies. I think the idea is they're so beautiful. The Cullen and their extended family are so gorgeous. We're willing to...

They're saying that all male models are vampires. Why do vampires only turn beautiful people into vampires? But also, I want to talk about the one guy, the one close-up that made me laugh so hard. They cut to Bella's walking down the aisle to just like...

Kind of a heavy, overweight Asian man with a beard. I didn't see that. Who you don't, like who's never been his dad. Like, who's that guy? Like, that guy deserved a close-up? I don't know what that, like, it was like, oh yeah, he's invited. This guy. You would think this would be a small little ceremony because the vampires don't want their presence to be known. They don't. Well, here's the thing that they struggle with. Maybe he's a deputy with his dad or something. Maybe. Well,

I did want that question answered, though. It's like, what is Bella's plan with her family? Because at some point they're not going to age. Yeah. Well, she's got to tell them.

Okay, so does she eventually tell them? I haven't read the book. I haven't read the book. I don't know. They're also in love with their daughter. They'll probably just think, man, it's amazing how she remains beautiful. In the books, both of her parents are wildly absent. Her mother is never around because she remarried a professional baseball player and travels all over the place. And her father is so like a depressed sheriff.

Why do you think they decided to go all family values and have them around all the time? Because that explains a lot of her behavior if she has no parents. In the earlier movies, she is very much on her own. She takes care of her dad. He's very unaware of what's going on around her or with her. Which makes sense because he's too busy being sheriff or whatever. Because he's too busy. People are dying in this town from being attacked by werewolves and vampires. That's the thing. They're not really.

They're not like... Even the bad ones? It's like it's a weird... It's weird about... I feel like the Twilight series attempts to do something that is like really bizarre, which is use these vampires and these werewolves to foster a Romeo and Juliet or a kind of classic teen romance story. Because in the beginning, there's... Like the threats come from way outside. Right.

Like the Cullens and the werewolves have a treaty that they'll hurt nobody in town and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's not until some random interloper bad guy vampire shows up that they're like, oh, wait, we got to get rid of this vampire. Oh, that's like the Michael Sheen vampire? Yeah. Which...

Who doesn't have anything to do in this movie? No. Apparently there's something at the end of the movie, which I did not see. You didn't stay for the end credits thing? No, I didn't stay for the end credits. It's not even the end end. They are hedging their bets now and putting it just after the credits that should have been at the beginning of the movie that they have to show twice. No wonder no one got up when I left. Contractually with the Director's Guild, the Writer's Guild, the Actor's Guild. Oh, really? Yeah, all those credits. When they don't have an opening title sequence, you see all those names twice at the end. Oh.

Oh, okay. Because you got to get it in there twice. Wow. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. And that's why there's a lot of times it'll be a very creative. I was just watching Sherlock Holmes on the plane back from Florida and the end title sequence. Yeah. The second one's on a plane already though. The end title sequence is, um, is really kind of cool, but it looks like an opening title sequence cause it shows each character next to their name and you know, and, and it's, it's a really cool sequence. Like I, it's funny that I'm the,

The people that make movies, it's like they're scared. They're afraid of losing people's attention just during an interesting opening title sequence. Oh, no, you can't do title sequences anymore. It's like shit just has to start. Just jump in. Or the titles are over the activities of the first two scenes, which I don't like at all. No, I like it. Let's separate them.

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The very first shot is this weird shot where, not the very first shot, but pretty early on, where the camera's like panning over the roof of what is the house, I guess, where Jacob lives. Yeah, yeah. But on the roof, there's a, you see a dumbbell sitting there or like a little barbell or whatever. Oh, that's what it's doing. It's holding the tarp down because it's raining. I was like, I was like, these guys are so buff that they have to work out. On the roof. If I happen to be on the roof, I want to have something there. And,

And by the way, from what I understand, the premise of the movie is these werewolves need to live in the Pacific Northwest because it's not sunny there. The vampires. The vampires. Yes, the vampires. But, oh yes. But they go to Brazil on their vacation. They go to Brazil on a vacation where they are not protecting themselves from sun at all. That's the craziest part. These vampires have no issue with sunlight. Well, they don't really. That's one of the things. They don't even have sparkles in this movie. But that's why it was, yeah, it's so inconsistent. He's not sparkled up, which is usually my favorite part.

I think people really revolted against the sparkles. I love the sparkles. I love the sparkles. Really? What did you like about them? Well, he looked like he had diamond skin for a little while. It was gorgeous. Yeah, he was really sparkly. I got to say, in the other two, I think it was in the second movie, they made Edward a little too pale.

In this one, his makeup was bad. He's pretty pale in this one. He's pretty pale in this one, but in the last one, he looked like he had Kabuki makeup on. He looked like he had a white mask on. Her mother's just like, I'm so proud. You're so beautiful. And you

I did love that wedding dress. You have nothing. You have nothing. But the mother, she's 18 years old. Everybody's like, nobody is being like, is this weird or not? No. No. Everybody's like 100% on board for an 18-year-old getting married. To marry the super pale dude who has super pale running through his family and friends. And friends. And the mother even looks at the thing on the wall and she goes, oh, isn't this cute? All their graduation caps.

So that's a joke because they went through high school so many times. Which, by the way, why would the Cullens keep those caps? Right. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. That's a clear indicator. Make it into art on the wall that they graduated over and over and over again. Why would they even bother going to school? But also the fact that the mother's onto it and does not put it together. That's weird. Why would you have 50 graduation caps? How many child brides does he have? Wouldn't it be great if in the next chapter at

Turns out he's been full of shit the whole time. Oh, my God. That'd be amazing. She says a bunch of 18-year-old girls. I really was like, and there's something very unsettling about the fact that one of the reasons I feel like they get married is so that they can have sex. Oh, that's the whole thing. That's the only reason. And that's the whole reason. Mental.

Yeah, that's the craziest. What's the way to do it? It is the way to do it. Yeah. I can speak to that. Oh, is that why you guys got married? Yeah. And we'll eventually have sex one of these days. I also found it to be oddly offensive. Like at one point. You consummate on the 10 year anniversary. That's what I was told. Yeah.

You go to second base on five years and then third base on eight, and then you had a home run all the way on ten years. The father at one point goes, hey, you want some champagne to like the Native American? Oh, my God. Patriot goes, oh, sparkling firewater. Sure. Sparkling firewater. That

That was the craziest. That's like the most racist thing in a John Wayne movie. That was made this year. Sparkling fire water. It's bizarre. All the things they say. I kept thinking this is like a fever dream or a David Lynch movie. Or like a depraved.

palma movie where eventually shit's gonna start to go down well when jacob's running through the wilderness and he's having like a like a fever dream crazy like yeah faces are appearing to him and blood is appearing like that's where i was like this is like some cronenberg shit right here this is crazy well even when they had that flashback where she's like envisioning her wedding and then she's on a pile of dead bodies yeah and you know it's like oh this is gonna be cool and then no

Let's ask June, which wedding dress was better, the one in her dream or the one... I actually have a lot to say about the wedding dress. I feel like... No, I do because I loved the second one, the real one, so much. And I thought it was such a great choice to have her. That was like with the backless lace down to the crack, practically. It was sexy, but it was also really modest. Like the first one seemed just like...

you know, like I think girls are wearing a lot of like halter wedding dresses and stuff like that. Like I actually thought the wedding dress was beautiful and tasteful. What did you think about her lingerie? Her honeymoon section lingerie? She had some good outfits. Well,

That made me really uncomfortable when she was trying to sex it up. Why does she have sex when it happens? That was really uncomfortable. The message to women from these movies is horrifying. She's a horrible role model. She has no agency. She has to beg to have sex on her honeymoon.

Right, because he denies her sex. And she also, when he's pointing out to her the bruises that he's causing by having sex with her, she's like an abused wife who just, you know, just wants to pretend that, you know, everything else is good. Here's what you guys don't understand, though, is that women have an innate fear of men. So when they're with a man who knows they can hurt...

Like, he knows he can hurt her, and she knows he knows that. Really? Yeah. That's exciting? And that is exciting, because she also feels protected but wanted. It's like a rollercoaster of sex. It's like the craziest... Because he broke that bed. When they had sex, he broke the bed around them. It's like a man who's a monster, but is trying to... I get that. It's a total female fantasy. I get that, but... See, that I have no problem with, but she doesn't exhibit any of that. I totally disagree. Like, I feel like her saying...

I want to go through this. I want to become a monster for you. She's in fact said, she's told by the man, like in a very patriarchal way, no, you don't get what you want. No, I decide for you. Because he won't have sex with her? Yeah. We're going to play chess instead of having more violent, violent sex. And she keeps trying to go after him and he keeps shutting her down. But in the world that we live in, it's the women that are always the sexualized objects.

we're the ones that are wanted. So to turn it on its head, like it's a complete female fantasy. I actually don't think it's, there are other reasons why it's like offensive to women and a bad match. It's funny though that they didn't show, or not funny, but it's typical that they don't show really the moment when he causes the bruises on her, right? They don't show like

It just looks like nice sex, except for when he crushes the end of the bedpost. And even that's sort of like, well, if he could just crush something nearby and make love to his lady, he's good to go. Well, I mean, also, I felt really uncomfortable watching the sex scenes because I feel like they are...

like in high school and they're viewed as being in high school. It's like, eh, this is like for kids. This movie is a tween movie. It was my, yeah, it was my, it was definitely my high school prom experience turned into a movie. I wrecked that bad.

It's so weird because the first sex scene is so like baptismal. It's like the two of them in this water together. But then also if you're a kid, if you're like an 11-year-old girl seeing this movie, like you don't really get to see them actually fucking. It's super crazy soft core. Well, yeah, but you just know. He's even blocking her side boob. He's like being polite and keeping her protected from the camera.

Like you could see him positioning himself when they're standing there. I know the exact shot you mean. I'm standing exactly the right way so you don't see anything. I'm about to see some tits. Let's do this. And she's... I think they're both the kind of actors that if given their druthers, they would just be naked. I don't think either of them are worried about that at all. It's just to get the rating. But she's so uncomfortable. I mean, then she's putting on that lingerie for the first time. That like...

Her trying to pose. That scene where she's like brushing her teeth. Like really, that's what it comes down to? Shaving her legs. You think this guy might be like, what's with the breath? She shaved her legs. What'd you do? Drink some sparkling fire water? That's disgusting. I like her shaving. I like that she's trying to pick out something to wear and then she goes to herself, don't be a coward. What? Yeah. What are you talking about? Be brave. Don't be a coward. Go show that vampire how sexy you are. Yeah, but she's also afraid that like she's not...

Perfect. Good enough for him. He does get to choose between pretty much everyone. Yeah. He's immortal, so he could wait it out with any girl. But he did say, he goes like, he did say to her, and I was a little confused. He's like, do you want to go swimming? She's like, yeah, can you give me a human minute?

And then that's when she's like, I didn't know they were going to have sex right away like that. I didn't know. She's staring at the bed like that's where shit's going to get done. She is preparing for sex and not preparing for going for a swim. Yeah, that's a thing. She should just say, oh, yeah, let's go for a swim. Then I'll need to freshen up. Exactly. Then we'll make the love. That's what my concern was because she's going to have all that seawater all over. You're going to have to shower after that. By the way, I don't think the first time you have sex should be in salt water.

That's burning a lot of things. By the way. She looks great playing chess though. Every scene where they're playing chess, she looks great. That is a lot of scenes. She's very sexy. She's got different shorts on each time they play chess. And then so they have this sex and then she's like, she puts together after eating chicken that she thinks is bad.

that she missed her period. She's missed her period. They've been there for 14 days, which I didn't know. For 14 days, yes. Which you don't know until they tell you that. It seems like maybe two days of madness. Yeah, because really they played three chess games over 14 days? They had sex once. They had sex once. And you also never- They fly twice. They fly twice. Because she gets on top of them that other time. She kind of makes it happen. You also never see them talking about anything other than the fact that he's going to-

Yeah, or like he's going to like change her. Like there's no other. There's no other small connection. And again, we're talking. This is a good 45 minutes of the movie. Oh, the wedding and the honeymoon. So far, this is all that has happened. It's incredible how little happens. Yeah.

Oh, it's shocking how much is just like almost musical montage, the equivalent of. Everything is a musical montage. She finds out she's pregnant. She looks at herself or she's like, I think I've missed my period. And then she looks in the mirror and she's like, oh, my God, can this be happening? And her stomach is totally flat. And she's like touching it as if she's got like a full on belly. Oh, my God, the bump is here. Look at this bump. But it's kicking. Then she starts immediately complaining about how it's kicking. Kicking, yeah.

And it's like, wow, finally this movie is moving too fast. Like they went from nothing is happening to like now she's several months pregnant in the morning. And then, and then, and then. Because that's what vampires do, I guess. I guess. With a human host. Well, I mean,

Look, we don't know what vampires do because even when Jacob is, when Edward's confused about this, he Googles like vampire baby on like the computer. Like it's like that same scene in Catwoman. That's another trope we should start tracking. Like when you Google what's going on, like, yeah, he's like, oh, vampire babies. He's just like going through all the Google pages looking for what that means. It's not the same as like someone like fishing out an old book and like turning the pages with dust.

coming out of it. Like it doesn't, yeah. I was terribly confused at the wedding when this is like the kind of thing that never comes up at any wedding ever is the, someone accusing the groom of his sexual murder of the bride. Yes. Oh. How bizarre is that when Jacob's just like, oh, you're gonna, are you kidding me? You guys are gonna have a honeymoon? Yeah.

Like they're getting married. He thought that, oh, that's just a ceremony. What was he thinking? This is what he thought. He thought that once they were married, he was going to turn Bella into a vampire and then have sex with her because then they could have sex. But then they imply to him that they're going to have sex while she's still a human. Because she didn't want to writhe around in pain on her honeymoon. Yeah, because turning into a vampire is a very painful process.

Yeah, so she's not ready for it. So he wants to get a regular fuck on first. Now, meanwhile, for me, I would rather just get turned and then go on the vacation. But why would Jacob know or have an opinion one way or the other about the order in which they're going to do it? Like, he just kind of steps up and he's like, you're going to kill her! Your dick is going to kill her! And I'm doing it with so much more emotion than he did. Oh, by the way, so much more.

He's like, fuck this. That's a better voice. Fuck this. You're going to kill her. I'm getting out of here. What are you going to do? Can we also talk about the wedding speeches where everybody at the wedding gets up to give a toast. Including the groom. Including the groom. And big laughs from the grimmest crew in any movie ever. They're all laughing it up like, this is a really fun wedding. The father goes, I'm a police officer and I can shoot you if I want. But he's delivering it.

Not as a joke. The mother is just inexplicably singing a lullaby. I like that. That was so creepy. It was so weird. That was like Herman Cain singing to Barbara Walters the other night. Wait, I didn't see that. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. And her Fascinating People special, he just starts like, I don't know how they get into it because I just saw the clip, but he just starts singing to her.

in a one-on-one interview. What is he singing? I think it's something that he makes up on the spot. I think he improvises a song. I gotta say, the shining moment for me, I think the person who walks out unscathed is Anna Kendrick. I thought she was actually really funny. I laughed at her. She's actually really funny. She brings some real actor commitment to her little kind of tossed-aside role. It's funny because when you see her... She doesn't know what's going on, right? Yeah. When you see her in comparison to everybody else, you're like, oh...

That's a relief. There's someone like having fun. Yeah. Her character is like, she's getting, they're getting married cause she's pregnant. Like she's being all cynical about it. Like, Oh, she's knocked up. That's why. Yeah. She's like, Oh, it's like a more like people that have some life to them in this movie. They're all just so like mirror. So she goes back, she's pregnant, but she's sick.

And, you know, Jacob and Bella have this scene where he's trying to convince her. It's essentially a debate about abortion. It's an abortion scene. Yeah, that's a whole. As Jake Fogelness on Twitter said, it's the feel good abortion movie of the holiday season.

But it's, yeah, it's all about this. Should she have this baby? Should she not? She wants to have this baby. Some of the vampires are calling the baby a baby and others are saying fetus. Isn't that crazy? And they call it thing too. At one point she's like thing. Like she starts to realize this is not a human.

Guys, there's some heavy shit going on. There is. I don't understand. I still don't get the imprinting thing. Can you explain imprinting to me? I wrote down imprinting, and I was confused about imprinting. This is the best explanation I could get. I found out. This is Taylor Lautner, again, explaining imprinting.

It was tough. It really was because first you had to nail down what is imprinting? What exactly is it? So to completely understand it, I mean it was helpful because we had Stephanie Meyer on set with us. So trust me, we had several conversations about it. Okay, once I had that nailed down, then it was what does imprinting look like?

visually what do you do when you imprint on someone because they literally said all right taylor there's an x on a wall you're gonna walk in the room and imprint on the x so it was uh that was confusing as well so it was challenging on the day but i'm so beyond happy with the outcome uh what does he do what does he do i don't know i think what i got in the next movie i

That he imprints her? Well, no. He imprints in this movie at the very end. He imprints her daughter. He starts crying. He imprints Bella's daughter on himself. So what does that mean? That means that he will – once you imprint someone or thing on you, you will always love them. You will always protect them. They will never be harmed. And none of the other –

So you can imprint like a brother and a sister, but you can also imprint a lover too. Yes. All the people, it comes up in the conversation with the wolves. They talk about, they say imprinting a million times and they never explain what it actually is. With the wolves, it's a conversation about having a boyfriend basically.

Remember? Yeah. Jacob, the little werewolf, the little shapeshifter guy, and Leah, the girl, who are all the single wolves, are looking over at the wolves who have boyfriends, who are boyfriend and girlfriend, and they're saying, they've imprinted, don't you want to imprint? Yeah. And the poor girl Leah is basically like, Hello. Hello.

I'm lonely. I want a boyfriend because every woman in this movie needs to have a man define her. And she's just kind of hanging around being like, why don't you imprint on me? It's more fun when you're imprinted. And so it's basically like- It's like going steady. It's literally going out with someone. So he's going steady with a baby, with Bella's baby. It's basically the baby is his soulmate. Because wolves are immortal also? Yeah.

I don't think so. I don't know about that. I think wolves can get killed. But, so he's got to wait around until he's old and hope that they can seduce her? No, I don't think he's going to. I think he's just imprinting his love in a non-sexual way. There are some football feelings you can only get with BetMGM Sportsbook. That's right. Not just the highs, the ohs, or the no, no, no's. No!

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Can we talk about the fucking best scene in the whole movie? The wolf, like the wolf Senate meeting that they have where Jacob turns into a wolf. They all run to a lumber yard. This is awesome. But it's Jacob has just found out that Bella is pregnant with the baby. Right. And the wolves need to kill her now because he tells all the wolves. Yes. And they're all like, we need to kill her. And then he's like, wait, what? No, I'm not doing that.

So then those guys are the bad guys. Yeah. But the only reason they're going to kill Bella is because of what Jacob told them. Jacob should have kept a stupid mouth shut. Shut your fucking mouth. Why couldn't they just stay in Rio? Yeah. Why just honeymoon there? Well, they needed to come back to that little doctor's office in their house. Because Mr. Cullen is a doctor. You get the impression that- By the way, they were never in Rio. That Edward is hooked up all over the world. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? He is just like-

He could go anywhere and he knows people. Well, that was the best thing. I feel like either they went to Rio for the biggest waste of all the money in the world or they were never there because I feel like the sure sign to show that you're never in Rio is a circle. I have a helicopter shot of the Jesus statue. It's like, oh, we're in Rio for two seconds. It's in Fast Five. There are a lot of aerial shots in this movie. I feel like every establishing shot is like a huge overhaul.

overhead shot of trees. Yeah, it all has to be very sweeping and big to make up for how it's insanely small story. There's usually just two. Basically, this is what happens. I mean, if you wanted to compact the movie, it's like she gets married, uneventful marriage. Honeymoon, slightly uneventful until she finds out that she's pregnant. And then...

then they're like worried about this baby. What's going to happen? Worrying for a long time. Then she has the baby. That's the movie. I mean, well, but then, but how did she have the baby? Well, we are. Yeah. We could say that, right? You've encouraged people to see the movie. Oh yeah. Yeah. They can totally say yes. Oh yeah. We can spoil it. I don't want to see it yet. Can find out. They ate the baby out of her. He, because the baby is killing her from the inside. He does a mouth cesarean. A mouth cesarean. And it's,

By the way, it's bloody, but not people know that scene, though, has given people seizures. I had an article here. It says several instances of people saying they've developed seizures during the tense birthing scene have been reported. The in-theater seizures, also known as photosensitive epilepsy, as a result of the blight, the bright flashing red and black white light during the nerve wracking scene. So people are having fits during this movie.

But that was I was looking forward to the eating the baby out of her belly for a long time. And then the baby's covered in blood, which then turns on another vampire. And she's like and they have to, like, push her out of there. Yeah. Because that was upsetting. She's suddenly like, oh, shit. Oh, nerves are here.

That's a big part of the books I remember is like just Bella's blood or Bella. Like there's an episode in one of the books where Bella cuts herself in front of the other vampires. And he throws her across the piano. Yeah. Well, that's the opening of the second movie, isn't it? Or the birthday part. I didn't see the second movie. It's actually beautifully shot. That's an amazing. It is. It's an amazing scene. Between probably the best looking movie I've ever seen.

The two best scenes, though, are the eating the baby out of her, which is just amazing that this is in a kid's movie. And just to be clear, you're not saying eating the baby out of her sexually. No. You're saying using his fangs to rip her stomach open. It's still pretty sexual because they're good-looking people. He's going down on her and ripping the baby. It's a beautiful baby. Hey, look, if I could do that to you, June, I would do it. I would read that. This is getting weird. And what do they do? Doesn't he bite the umbilical cord? Do they show that? No, they never show that.

Well, that scene was good, but I still think the best scene in the whole movie was the wolf talk. A whole scene of CGI wolves in a lumberyard arguing with the worst voiceover of all time. It's so weird, too. Those wolves, like the scale of the wolves. Like sometimes they just look like regular normal wolves. I kept waiting for Cuba Gooding Jr. to come into that scene. No, you snow dogs. Get out of here. Get out of this lumber. Next to giant people, they all of a sudden look like, oh, these are like moms?

Yeah. I want to see a wolf. They make them crazy. Werewolves have been crazy big since like Werewolf in London. Yeah, I guess they're a cute size. They turn into actual wolves, but then also really big, gigantic ones. Like messes, yeah. Like a regular sized wolf isn't enough. If you saw that wolf running around, you'd be like, that's a fucking weird ass wolf. You'd be like, that's like a dinosaur. That's like a lot too cute. Wolves are too cute.

Yeah, it's the problem. I'm looking at a dinosaur. Yeah, you're right. Wolves just look like doggies walking around, you know? So they're too cute for a movie like this. So that's what they have to do with CGI, which then also means that could they not find a cute baby? Because once they deliver Bella's baby, that baby is CGI too. I thought there were a couple shots where the baby was a baby. I think the last shot where the baby's getting imprinted

That she was CGI'd. Man, that CGI in this movie is bad. And it's the baby from that Ally McBeal thing. The dancing baby. He does dance in a little diaper. That was fun. Oh my gosh. There's only so many talented babies. Oh, they,

That baby's... Yeah, the baby from Allie McBeal is a vampire. That's why he's still a baby. Okay, now... So my question is, is that baby a vampire? What is that baby? We don't know. Yes, isn't that what he found out? No, because Bella... The baby is more her than it is... Isn't that what he found out in his web research? I don't know, because she didn't turn until after the baby was...

So it's a human baby. So the human baby is going to have 18-year-old parents. That baby is going to have some questions in a couple of years. Like, why isn't my mom and dad growing up? But if the baby is a vampire, won't the baby be a baby forever? No, the baby is not a vampire. They grow up to be like adults and then stay there. Or do vampires just stay the age you are when you get bit?

That's what it is. It's like Kristen Dunst in Interview with a Vampire. So then if you're born a vampire, then what happens? You're never born a vampire. You just stay a baby? You're never born. There are no vampires born. That's the whole thing. That's why it was a weird thing for these vampires to deal with. Because vampires can just blast each other like crazy and never get pregnant. That's the best part. No condoms. And you can just come all up inside one of them lady vampires. But when that baby was born, it didn't have vampire eyes. Yeah.

Right. No, she's not a vampire because he said he read the baby's stomach. Edward's able to talk to the baby. He's like, hey, this baby is more you than me, so it's cool. It's not a bad baby. But even if it's a little bit, they're never more vampire than human, supposedly, according to these rules. These rules are really hard. They're not hard. Obviously, we had problems with this movie, but there's going to be a lot of people who I feel like want to correct who love it. And now it is time for a second opinion.

These are five-star reviews from Amazon for Twilight Breaking Dawn. IndigoButterfly writes...

I can't say for sure how many times I watched the first three Twilight movies. I know I saw Twilight and New Moon at least ten times each, and Eclipse probably five or six. I haven't seen Breaking Dawn, but I'm going to give it five stars. Amazing. I respect that. And my favorite one, Donna Kaye. For me, this has been the best movie so far. I know I shouldn't like these movies because they're made for teens, and I am 55, but I can't get enough of it.

I don't know how I'm going to keep myself occupied until Breaking Dawn Part 2 next November. A 55-year-old woman. I would suggest her romance novels. She's a woman who hasn't managed to notice that there are romance novels. She's finally found it in another format. These movies are so depressing. It actually fills me with hope that The Hunger Games...

Will become much bigger because the character in Hunger Games is like such a badass woman. It's so like... Katniss. There's definitely a better entry point for boys into Hunger Games. Yeah. But then the trouble is it's so heavy and so violent that that might turn off the teenage girls. But the books seem to do well, so... They're great books. Well, look, at the heart of it, though, it's a romance. I mean... Yes.

I guess my question to you is like what kind of agency or believe me, there's so many detrimental things. But the part of me feels like if I'm a 12-year-old girl watching this, I'm probably thinking to myself, I never want to get married. I never want to have babies. Yeah, because shit goes bad. If that's what it's doing, then it's doing a great job. That's what a movie should be doing. Yeah, telling kids to not have sex. Don't have sex and don't get married and don't have babies. And God forbid, don't imprint on babies.

Yeah, come on. That's such a commitment that you just don't have to make. So much of this story. Instead of imprinting on a baby, go take a trip to the drugstore.

So much of this story is a melodramatic, not interesting version of the first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yeah, it's without the weekly stories. It's just the ongoing angst. Her falling in love with a vampire. What does that mean? Or trying to set up, like in the second set of Star Wars movies, trying to set up

everything that led to him becoming Darth Vader when you don't give a shit what led to him becoming Darth Vader. He's a guy in a mask who's angry and hurts people. I did love that last shot of her eyes opening, her vampire eyes. You missed that, Jason. Can you tell us what the sneak scene at the end of the movie was? The Michael Sheen scene? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Then they go to some credits and they come back to him being delivered an invitation to the wedding, I think. Oh. Or some sort of note saying that the wedding happened and that they're having a baby. And that the baby was already there, I thought. Yeah, yeah. But he's getting sent. Oh, maybe it's a birth notice. Yeah.

It's a birth announcement. But it's like it's in a registry. It's in an envelope, though. He's like, oh, they're registered at Baby's Arise. And he reads it, and he's just like, the last line of the movie is something to the effect of, I'm going to go get that baby. You know, something like that. It's pretty much that line. It's like he just sort of looks right into the camera. They do this crazy zoom from way far away, and it comes in on him. It's certainly more exciting than the little added scenes at the end of all the, you know, Marvel movies of late.

Well, we asked you guys, the viewers at home, to play a part in this show and record your tagline for Breaking Dawn. How could you sum up this movie in a tagline? Kind of like He's Back in Terminator 2. Was that a tagline? I don't know. But we asked you to submit your answer. No, like, in space, no one can hear you scream. That's a good one. Yes, that's a good one. Not He's Back. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water. Another great one. So we asked you guys to record yours on eardrop, and you did. And here are our favorites.

Twilight Breaking Dawn. A weirdly similar title to the codename for America's continued involvement in Iraq. Sandra Daybro-Connor, out. Hi, this is Gil Garcia. Here's my Twilight tagline. Twilight, a woman's choice between bestiality and necrophilia.

Bella has to choose between keeping her baby and dying or having an abortion and living forever as a murderer. It's an allegory. The Twilight Zone, Breaking Dawn, Part 1, Ray B-13. And those are our favorite eardrops. Thank you, guys. The second one was so good. Love that second one. Anything else that we did not talk about that needs to be discussed? Oh, who cares? We did it. All right. Who cares? The Brazilian woman who knows he's a vampire and is so scared keeps calling him a demon. Is there more to that in the book?

That whole sequence. I don't remember. I like those housekeepers. I want those housekeepers to have their own spinoff. Oh, the vampire. It's just a movie that it just doesn't really...

It doesn't happen. It doesn't want to let you in. If you're just not completely on board, you just feel so out of the loop watching it. It disregards everything about a movie. And it's not even that complicated. It's not like it'd be that hard to catch up. No. It's just nothing is happening. You have to be so into these characters. Basically, they tell you, if she gets pregnant, she's going to die.

And that's what happens. That's the whole movie. It's like, she gets pregnant, she has a baby, and she dies. And then he bites her and she becomes a vampire. But that's the only, the whole movie. But that should be their fallback position from the first moment Jacob goes, you're going to kill her if you fuck her. Well, yeah, then I'm going to wake her up again with my teeth. I'm going to try to remember to not eat a big meal when we fuck. Yeah.

I like that he's bitter. Oh, by the way, I also love that when she's, they realize at a certain point when she's getting really sick and dying of this pregnancy that she'll feel better if she drinks blood. So they put blood in like a deli like sippy cup.

Yeah, it's like a big gulp that she's drinking. But now, if that's helping the baby, then the baby must be a vampire, I guess. That's what I think we're going to find out in part two. Oh, guys, so many questions. Some rules are made to be broken. Guys, we definitely are going to have to do part two next. I can't wait. Next November. What a way so long. Such a long wait. I'm going to totally forget about everything again by then. Is that what they did with the Harry Potter movies? Were they a full year part? No, it's six months, I think. Right? No.

I don't know. I just feel like, why are we holding it off? Yeah, it was November to July. Okay, why are we holding it off? Because the whole idea is like, you'll make as much money if it comes out next week. Well, I think that their marketing geniuses have figured out that maybe...

Thanksgiving is a perfect weekend for it, like that they can dominate again. Whereas, you know, you go out in July or whatever, you're going to go up against some serious other popcorn movies. And then also that weird anticipation builds and people sleep outside. They just own Thanksgiving now. It's like Thanksgiving is them and, you know, things for little kids. Yeah, like Muppets and stuff. Yeah.

Holy shit, this movie. All right, well, Doug, you do Doug Loves Movies. It's available on the iTunes, and you're going on the Weezer Cruise. People can still get on that, right? Yeah, yeah, go to weezercruise.com and come watch it.

Have fun with us and Weezer. I'm so excited that you did this show with us. Yeah, it was a blast. I love listening to it and being on it. Well, as always, you can follow us on Twitter if you like the show. Rate and review us on iTunes. That's it. There are some football feelings you can only get with BetMGM Sportsbook. That's right. Not just the highs, the ohs, or the no, no, nos. No!

It's the feeling that comes with being taken care of every down of the football season. The feeling that comes with getting MGM rewards benefits or earning bonus bets. So, whether you're drawing up a same-game parlay in your playbook or betting the over on your favorite team...

The BetMGM app is the best place to bet on football. You only get that feeling at BetMGM. The sportsbook born in Vegas, now live across the DMV. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms. 21 plus only, DC only, subject to eligibility requirements. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.