Matinee Monday: Vampire's Kiss LIVE! (w/ Hayes Davenport)
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bas.com slash bonkers and use the code bonkers at checkout. It's a movie where Nick Cage eats a live cockroach and that's like the eighth craziest thing that happens in it. We saw Vampire's Kiss, so you know what that means. No! No! No!

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We'll be right back.

Hello people of earth and hello people of... We are here live at the Now Hear This Podcast Festival.

Very exciting Saturday night show. For those listening right now, it's almost Halloween. It is a Halloween show. Unfortunately, I did a very terrible job at letting anyone know it was a Halloween show just until yesterday afternoon. So I hope some of you are in costume. I, for the audience at home, you can imagine me. I'm dressed as Chuck Norris from Top Dog. I have my dog, and I hate Nazis.

So shit just got real. We're gonna see what costumes we have tonight as well. But let's get this show started because there is so much to unpack. What is this movie? Be a question that I would ask right out of the gate. And I can't think of two people better to help me figure it out. First of all,

Unfortunately, June could not be here tonight. So sorry. We got the waitress from Maximum Overdrive. Please welcome Norma Jean. We do! Welcome back, June! You have been missed by all of these people. But not by me, because I see you all the time. All the time. All the time.

June also found out about the costume contest very late in the day. Put something together. Yeah, you really did. You put something together. It was really good. Please welcome a man who needs no more introduction than me saying, please welcome Jason Mantzoukas! What jerks are we doing? Welcome. Welcome, welcome, Jason. Uh...

You're dressed just like yourself. Jason, what are you dressed as here? I'm dressed up as also a character from the podcast. Oh, really? I don't recognize it right off the bat. Can anybody guess? I am the Jason of our group. Great costume. I dress as the Jason of our group. I actually met the Jason of our group yesterday.

a lunch that I was having. He was like, hey, hey, hey. And I went over and at first I didn't... Wait, you went over? You answered to hey, hey, hey? So you're telling everybody here and everybody listening to the podcast, all it takes for you is hey, hey, hey. And you're like, yep.

What are we doing? I want to have communication with people. Get off our phones. Let's have real conversations with people. And he goes, hey, I'm the Jason of my group. I got to apologize, man. I was totally shit-faced. So he apologizes. Really? Apology not accepted, Jason of the group. Fuck you! Your costume is superb, as always. Thank you so much, Paul.

And finally, tonight we have a very special guest. You know this person as the co-host of the Hollywood Handbook right here on Earwolf. He is a writer on divorce. He wrote on vice principles. Please welcome Hayes Davenport. Welcome, Hayes.

Ooh. Oh, hi. A scary witch. A scary witch. I am a scary witch tonight. I'm sorry if it is freaking anyone out too much. I'm glad that you did prepare us backstage because when you put on the witch costume, and for those of you at home, it is one of the most elaborate witch costumes ever.

you could possibly ever see. I mean, I'm a witch. Tonight I am 100% witch. You went to the wardrobe department on a studio lot. Yeah. This was not a last second purchase at all. No, and I feel bad for the people in the VIP section because they're going to be so freaked out the entire show that you might be performing a spell. Wait, where's the VIP section? You guys are the VIPs? Wow.

All right. Now that they've identified themselves, people in the back revolt! Take their seats! Tear them apart! Take their seats! Make America great again!

I want to see people's costumes, but I think we should save it for a little bit later in the show because it will be a visual thing that you at home will be like, why am I listening to people just talk about costumes? But you're still like, oh, but I still have another 30 minutes of the dry cycle.

Well, I am so excited for all of us to be here because this movie has been one that we've talked about wanting to do for a long time. This is a good one. This movie, well, first let's just maybe start off with a general question, which is how would you classify this movie? Is it a horror movie? Is it a vampire movie? Is it a romance movie? No idea. Yeah. I think it's a harrowing tale of mental illness.

Actually, you know, listening to the trailer, you said this last night, Paul, that it... When was the movie made? It was made in 19-something. 89, I think. Because it did sort of feel like a commentary on the AIDS crisis. Yes. That's what I did. Yeah. And hearing the trailer and listening to the voiceover about, like, oh, he's a man who wants to find love in the city, and it felt like...

he was, well, whatever, we'll talk about this movie. I don't know. For me, it was more a commentary on Iran-Contra. I'm surprised that you took AIDS from it. I also got a very powerful message, but yeah, not the AIDS thing as much. Well, to me, what's so interesting about it was, having heard of this movie, what I knew about it was, Nick Cage, I'm going to take off my wig. Whoa! I'd just be sweating up a story. Um,

What I thought it was, was I thought it was a vampire movie. How many people here thought, oh, it's going to be like a vampire movie, right? It's not. How many people still think it's a vampire movie? Get it together, assholes. And I don't know, I guess the thing is, well,

Well, all right. Maybe we just start at the top. Oh, yeah. And we'll find our way into it. The first thing that threw me about this movie was simply the accent. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Straight out of the gate, Maximum Cage. I was like, this is a SoCal accent by the way of, like, the British Isles. Yes. I spent so long trying to figure out who the specific character is that it was reminding me of, and it's Derek Zoolander. I mean, that... Yeah. Yeah.

I broke up with my girlfriend. I mean, it's almost identical to Zoolander's accent. It's such a bold, bold choice to not do an accent well. Listen, it's not an accent. It's not an accent as, it's not a regionalism. It's not really British. It's a...

It's Cage's idea of literature in an accent form. It's like a professorial, but it's not... There's no region attached to it. So it's like people who read books speak like this, kind of in the way that sounds like that.

I know for a fact that what June is saying is exactly right, that he does think of it as literary, and here's why. This movie is impossible to find anywhere. Yes. Like, you know, you all who watched it, I'm amazed because I had to go to two different physical video stores to find it. Now, on iTunes, it's like nowhere on the internet to find it. I found it on Stars in Demand. Yeah, I subscribe to Stars, no big deal. Yeah.

So I watched it on DVD. Right. And so I'm armed with a Nicolas Cage commentary. Oh, I'm so excited. On this entire movie with the director, Robert Bierman. I,

I have, just so you know, I have a folder here called answers. So at any given point, we can delve into the answers. Yeah, there's an answer for everything. It's based on his dad, who was a literature professor. Certainly does not sound like that, but it's what Nicolas Cage thinks his dad sounds like. Sounds like it.

But now here's my thought. Was he a literate? Like, he was in literature, but I thought when the camera panned by the door, it was like the finance department. No, he's like a lawyer or something. No, you guys, he's an agent. He's an agent. He's a literary. He's like a short story agent, but he's rich. In my mind, he works for an agency that represents short story writers. Yeah.

Or just writers in general, but he was dealing with a short story writer. And his apartment is really nice. Yeah. So, you know, he's making those 80s era short story books. Yeah. Everybody was getting rich. There are similarities to this and like the Patrick Bateman character from American Psycho. But...

That character seems to have a reason to have all that money and depression. This character seems... Insane? Yeah. Well, that's what I felt like. I felt like his initial choice, because I wrote it down too, what is this accent? This is crazy. And I was almost like, for the first couple of minutes of the movie, I was like, oh, this is disappointing. We're going to watch Nick Cage just do this weird thing. And then I was like, oh, no, wait a minute. This is just where he's starting from.

And what he did was, he was like, oh, I know where I want to go. So I got to start something that seems like uptight and like, like cultured. So that's where I'm starting from. And then it takes him about 10 minutes to get to complete berserk insanity.

June, you all right? Yeah, I just like flashed forward a little bit. I'm like, why did he leave that art gallery? Oh, yeah. I don't know. Yeah, he had to pee, I think is what he said. But I don't know if that was the full story. Okay, I struggle. I don't want to ask this question, but I'm going to. Which is, I know you're saying it's not a vampire movie, but what did he turn into at the end? Nothing. Nothing. Yeah, nothing. Nothing.

That's why I think it's a harrowing tale of mental illness. It's a little bit like Requiem for a Dream without the drugs. You know, he just downward spirals. Let's just listen to... But still with a double-sided dildo. Oh, of course. Right? Keith David's definitely in it. It was in there, I think. I want you to hear the accent. This is something that Averill found that I think is great. What he talks about...

in the beginning, did you guys catch this? 'Cause I didn't catch it. You'll see it on the screen, but here, take a listen, see if you can figure it out. - He can stretch himself. He can stretch himself from here to here, if he wanted to. - We've said him already. - No, no, no, no, the Rubberman. He's the last of the Fantastic Four that we've been searching for all evening. - No, we already said him. Oh look, there's a taxi. Taxi! - We are not-- - All right, so you're getting a taste of his accent, but he's talking about the Fantastic Four

the superheroes. But giving them funny, I guess, not copyrighted names. Yeah. Rubberman, Fireball. He talks about Fireball and the man of bricks. So I could see someone checking, be like, we're okay on these, right? We can talk about, we could just call him Rubberman. We don't have to pay for that. I could just see them coming up to me and be like, Nick, you know, we wrote lines for you coming out. And he's like, I got it. I got it. I got it. Yeah. But it's also like, you're talking about literature. He's like, yeah, yeah. Comic books, right?

Superman and Batman. No, no, no, no. Literature. Not for nothing, this conversation about the rubber man is getting him laid. Yes. That was insane. These two, by the way, these two are laughing about everything for the first two hours. They are hysterically laughing. So I have a great commentary fact about this scene in particular. What's going on just off screen from this scene is that the movie was made with a non-union crew. So there's a massive protest...

from the union happening right off screen as they're exiting this bar. And the only way they could get them to be quiet is to call the police and have them all thrown in prison. So there's like a giant inflatable rat right over here? Giant rat, yes. Yeah. Well, that rat, they should have used that rat for later in the movie. Yes. Wait, wait. But there's something so crazy about this character because...

If you're supposed to believe that this character is going on this descent, this descent, he is getting laid left and right. He's rich. He's seemingly happy. But I think that's why he is going on the descent. Yeah.

Because he's getting laid too much? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, I think he's... You think that this is the madness of too much sexual activity? I do. I think that he's being... I think a lot of people in this audience that probably resonates with because nobody's fucking more than podcast fans. Well, because he admits very honestly that he's been sexually aroused by a bat. Yeah. And...

I do think there's something happening to him where his sexuality is causing him to go insane. Which goes back to my theory that this is about AIDS. Exactly. Wait, your theory that this is about AIDS? Yeah. You just stole June's theory. No, it was mine. It's almost like he contracted June's theory. You're going to get my theory soon. What?

Wow. Scandal.

Thank you.

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A sign of all the movies that we've been doing lately has been animal POV cam. Whenever you see that an animal has its own camera, in this movie, there's a bat cam. The bat is just swooping in. So does the... He gets bitten twice. The bat is so clearly on a string. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, here's the other question. Okay, sorry to interrupt. No, please. Did anybody else think that maybe this movie was about a man who got bit by a bat and just had rabies? Yes! Oh, wow. That's what I thought at a certain point. I was like, oh, maybe he just got bit by that bat in that first scene and the rest of it is just his descent into madness because of rabies. But

But then they double down and he gets bit in the next scene by a woman. So I'm like, I don't know that he did. I don't think he does. I don't know that he did. Right, because he doesn't because when he sees her in the club. Because Jessica Biel at the end of the movie is like, I don't know who you are, bro. So he's, so this is. Not Jessica Biel. Jennifer Biel. So. Jennifer Biel, right? Yes. Not Jessica Biel. Yes. We're going to get this straight, guys. But I'm going to use them interchangeably. So also fuck you. Okay.

But she... All right, so then when does the movie stop happening? At the bat bite and then everything's in his head from there on in? Do you think maybe Jacob's Lantern? That's what I was going to say. Question mark? Because it's like the bat bite from there on in, he's an unreliable narrator. Well, no, I think he's going crazy is what's happening. He's just going crazy. It's not like it's imaginary or anything. But we're only seeing him... Well, but he's not getting bit. No. No.

I don't think so. I don't think... But he is biting other people. Yeah, he murders that world. Later on in the movie, when he runs face first into a wall and thinks it's his psychiatrist, I believe that is really happening. The only other theory is that when the bat bit him, his spirit went into the bat. Hang on now, what? Yeah.

And the rest of the movie is just bats. Yes, I'm on this now. This is the only other viable theory. The only other explanation. Wait, he is acting as a bat? Yes, he's the bat. It's the only thing that makes sense. It's true. It's actually the only thing. June, welcome back. We missed you. So the bat is acting as Nicolas Cage, and then Nicolas Cage is somehow, the bat is flying around, potentially happy as a bat.

Well, I don't know. We didn't get to learn that much about Nick Cage's character before he was, you know, before he became a bat. This movie...

But this movie is about one man's descent into absolute madness, I feel like. And it's also about the heroic journey of a woman to find a contract. And that's what made me really happy. I was like, at any point... There is equal weight on both. At any point where I was like, what is this movie about? Because it for real makes no sense. I was like, oh no, they've got to find that contract in these files. And that's...

the most clearly delineated storyline. But they don't need to find, that's the other thing. They don't need to find the contract. No. There's so much about the movie that's extremely vague. Like anything that's, you never know what's happening at any time. Is he a vampire? Is this really happening? What's going on? Except for Frank Heatherton.

needs the contract for Rattlesnake Hills from his first foreign sale to Der Spiegel. Well, we know every piece of minutiae about this contract and nothing else. We want to forget it, but we can't. None of that is relevant to the movie. Here's my question, though. I obviously don't agree with how he treated her. Uh-oh. But... But... But... Why couldn't she find that contract? Yeah. Yeah.

Honestly, she was in there till 3 a.m. She was working crazy hours. And it was just there. If you're just literally going like this, why couldn't she find it? Possibly because a good portion of her day was spent running away from him while he actively chased her through a work environment. And everybody was like, oh,

what's going on here? Yeah. That one woman in the bathroom, he chases her into the woman's bathroom, basically threatens her life in front of this woman and she says, what the fuck is going on? And then leaves. Yes! I will play that scene because watch her kind of look at the director like, was that it? Did I get it? Here it is. Bathroom lady. Here we go. Old lady bathroom. All right, here we go.

This is an amazing scene, too. It's a real, real fun scene. What the hell is he doing in here? I have a gun. If you hurt me, I'm going to use it. What the fuck is going on? Washes her hands, does not dry them. And then, as you walk it away, just look right down the lens. Straight down the barrel. Just look right down the lens, and that's what we're going to cut out.

I feel like maybe my character would help her. Nope. Nope, you wouldn't. She's seen this. Look, it's a literary agent office. There's guys chasing women into bathrooms all the time, being threatened with guns. This is just part of literary agencies in the fast-moving 80s. We all saw Bright Lights, Big City. We know what this is like.

I also thought that there was an improv, like a level one improv student level of an understanding what happens at an office. Like it was sort of like, we're in the office. Get those files. I'll get them. Like it was just nothing felt like anyone had ever been there. Like this is paper. Yeah.

Well, speaking of, the scene that made me insane was, I can't remember, it was in the beginning when he's looking out the window and there's a hot dog salesman. Oh, yes. You know what I'm talking about. Yes, this is so weird. This is the direction and people who can't improvise because the hot dog guy is giving two hot dogs to a couple who's kind of making out and they don't take the hot dogs quick enough and he shoves them in their face.

It's so horrible. He's so desperate to get them these hot dogs. As though there's a line of people waiting behind them. But I did have an issue with those people. Just wait for it. Like, they have to make out during their hot dog session? Well, that's like the couple making out in the nightclub as well. They kept coming back to them. He's wearing silver gloves and they're like,

This movie is, everybody's super horny. Everybody's saying the word horny all the time. It's like, that's a whole thing. It is a deeply uncomfortable movie. Thank God he's in therapy. Yes. Yeah. He's in therapy with a therapist who- Obsessed with a therapist. Obsessed with a therapist who has like, late in the game is revealed to have like a very young lover. Yeah.

Right. Everything. And I was obsessed with. I was like, what is her story? I want a whole movie about that therapist and her life in New York. And she's like the original Lorraine Bracco. That's who I thought it was. I feel like Lorraine Bracco is like, no, no, no, David Chase, I know what I'm going to do. But she has an interesting way of practicing because there are times where she really tries to make connections and see people

the metaphor and what he's saying. And then there are other times. He first says that he was attacked by a bat and felt sexually aroused. She's like, well, whatever. It's a bat. So you felt something. Okay, who cares? Anyway, she completely...

Yeah, she says something basically like, well, you probably already had a boner because you're about to do it, which is not a real psychiatrist. I don't know if that's in the DSM-IV for psychiatry. Well, maybe you already had a boner because he was about to do it. Yeah, because he did reveal, I think, in that moment, he was like, hey, I feel awkward. She's like, no, you're fine. You're totally fine. Can I ask a genuine question? Because Paul has pulled up this picture of the therapist and her young lover.

Who I thought was the brother for a moment. Her brother? I thought it was Alva's brother. Alva's brother. Oh. I can see that. I can see that. Okay. I have a real question for the audience. Does anybody wear a towel around their neck like that? Ever? This is a real movie trope that I would never think to wrap a towel around my neck. Like, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

Yeah, it's not, I guess if you just finish washing your hair and then you're kind of like... But that to me is like, don't worry, I'm communicating to the audience, I just took a shower.

Yeah, I guess you're right. It means that you want to keep the towel on you, but you also want to keep your dick exposed. Yeah. It's still going to dry off. You certainly can't wrap it around your dick. Do you think his dick is out? No. No? I would hope not. So why is he using so many towels? He's using two towels? Who is this fuck? Oh, I'm just going to come over to your house, bang you out, take a shower, use two of your nice red towels. Yeah.

He has no body hair. He probably air dries in like 10 seconds. This guy is for sure using guest towels. He is naked from the waist down. She looks almost like Emma Thompson in this, which makes me really wish Emma Thompson was in this movie. She would be a great therapist. I also had an issue with Nick Cage when he always had sex, his undershirt was on. That undershirt never came off. And it just felt weird to me. He kept coming when she bit him, right? But he was never bit.

Yes, he was. He did. Wait, he was not bit by her. Oh, not in real life. What do you think? I think the bat bit him. Yeah. For sure. And I think he met that girl. Okay, so you think the Band-Aid is covering a bat bite. Yes. Not a shaving accident. No, he did get bit by the bat because he comes out of the apartment like, and they laugh. And they get in the cab and they go away. Where did they go, by the way? Maybe to her house. Maybe. Maybe.

That's a mystery we'll never know. He gets busted the next morning by Alva because she sees that he's not wearing any socks and she's making a lot of judgments about him. There's one shot where he's looking at her calves and socks. Why? I didn't even catch that. Now I'm sort of thinking, so there's one scene where in the very beginning they're walking through the bar and

The camera's picking up a little bit of other conversations. Does that have anything to do with the plot of this movie? I can tell you two of the people that... Yeah, John Michael Higgins and David Hyde Pierce. The only two conversations are David Hyde Pierce and John Michael Higgins. I saw John Michael Higgins and I was like, wait. And then I was like, oh, maybe they're all part of the same company and we're going to see more of them. Nope. Nope. Gone forever. Yes, you never see them again.

This is a movie that doesn't add up. The minute he's, okay, so we, and we, by the way, have not broached the plot of this movie at all. Like, literally not at all. So he meets the first woman. They kind of try to have sex. He gets bit by the bat. She goes away. He stands her up, sort of. She's mad. Then he meets... No, he gets bit

by the bat then the next night goes out and meets Jennifer Peel. It's bit by her. So abruptly. That is the weird you would think there would be some build up to the first time he's bitten by a vampire in this movie called The Vampire's Kiss and it happens like so fast. He beats her and then suddenly he's getting bit by her. And she's like yeah they go right they cut they don't even like show any of the seduction. He's getting laid constantly.

He lives in a world in which he just gets laid easy. And then, but then she's... I mean, he's a literary agent. I guess so. Yeah, sure. Short story agent. In a time where everybody wants to be a short story writer. But then I also thought too, he's not a... Like, if you're looking at the transformation, and I know we're going, like, he's transforming into being...

a kind of sane person into an insane person, but he doesn't start off nice. Wouldn't it have been nicer to be like, oh, he's a normal affable gent who then becomes insane? He treats Alva... I think that's what he thought he was doing. But the first scene with Alva, he's like, get me that? He's not like... Oh, my favorite. I have 10,000 favorite scenes, but I loved the one where he's like, Alva, Alva, Alva, Alva!

Albert! Albert! And it just keeps cutting out into the office and people are like, what the fuck is going on? That seemed to be inspired by Dave, the chipmunk's dad. Ha ha ha!

I mean, he draws from a lot of different stories. Oh, yeah. I think that's a sequel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here's the thing. If he's not a vampire by the end, then I will commend... What you think he is. You believe that he is a vampire? No, I don't know what he is. I don't know if he's a vampire or not by the end. But if he is, in a world in which he is actually a vampire at the end, I did like, and this is where I will give the movie props, I liked the slow burn into being a vampire.

There is no slow burn because he's not a vampire. Yeah. I can tell you who else doesn't know whether or not he's a vampire is Nicolas Cage and the director of this movie. Nicolas Cage gives one of the most unhinged performances, and this is saying a lot because he's Nicolas Cage. I would argue. This is a movie that has so many scenes that are so batshit crazy that I watched them and I was like,

right here, this almost insane level scene is the take that the director was like, this is the one we can use. Well, I will go one step further and say I think that this scene right here, just to kind of show you, should be required for every actor. This is...

- This is legendary. - This should be everyone who auditions for Juilliard or anything should have to use this scene. - How could somebody mis-file something? What could be easier? It's all alphabetical. You just put it in the right file according to alphabetical order.

- This is an amazing freeze frame.

This is the beginning of the end. From Moonstruck to this. He is positioning his shoulders and back

He does kind of a Peter Pan hands on hip stance for a minute. Like he's about to crow. But this is what I mean. This is where I feel like this movie is the story of a man who is in the throes of like an onset of schizophrenia or something. Yeah. Like a real mental collapse is happening to him. He's like at that age where like this is where it comes on. So nothing to do with the bat? Or it's rabies. Or it's rabies.

I certainly don't think he's a vampire. I thought it was rabies too. I really thought it was rabies because it's like, it makes, because if you just go like, he just went insane, then who, I guess the question is like. But does rabies present like that? Yeah.

Are we... Any doctors in the audience? Any doctors? Any vets in the audience? Any current rabies victims? Any feral people? Anybody dressed up as somebody with rabies? But here's my, I guess, my big note then. Let us in. Let the audience in on some level of what's going on. Because at one point I thought when he looks in the mirror, he's like, I can't see myself. I can't see myself. Oh my God.

I'm like, you're there. And then I'm like, oh, so can you not afford that effect? Or are you just saying... That's, I think, that's madness. Well, that's what I think. His mind is telling him he's turning into a vampire. And as a result, because we can see in the...

that scene, they're like, don't worry, he's not disappeared because there's seven times as many mirrors as there should be in this room, all of which he is in. But that's not, that's the, but the only thing that definitively tells you that he's not a vampire is when he shoots himself with a gun.

which is blanks. And then he's like, I'm a vampire. Oh, well, of course he thinks he's a vampire because he shot himself with blanks. He's not really. That's when I started to go, oh. What do you mean? Wait, what? Those were blanks when he put the gun in his mouth. And when he shot himself twice. Which, by the way, would fuck you up regardless. Big time. Giantly. But I think that led to. Giantly? I think you mean bigly. Bigly. I was about to say, fuck.

He also does a thing with the mirror where he touches it and he goes like, ah, like it's burning him. And you can almost hear the director be like, should we tell him that vampires aren't burned by mirrors? That's not a vampire thing. It's a vampire. It's like, the mirror is hot. He does so many things like that that you can tell him just improvising constantly. And that's all they could use. They had to use everything, I think.

But he did kill one woman. Yeah. He did rape another woman. Disco death. Well, he does admit to that. So those things did happen. Yes, I believe so. Well, definitely this happened. Yeah, disco death. The New York Post with a great headline...

girl victim of bizarre murder. Can I ask you what? And with a murder scene on the cover. Like, very rarely does the New York Post get the evidence photos. Just a straight up bloody dead body on the cover of the newspaper. And really, that would have gone to press very late in 89. To get that photo, to run that headline. When he runs out of the club, they say the sun's about to come up. That means it's like 5 a.m. There's no way.

This is making me like, Thank God there was one good New York Post reporter in there. Chief, I got a scoop. Hold the front page. I ran Contra, don't run it. And you know what? We'll give all the specifics to the Post. Just generalities to the Daily News. And by the way, body found. I also,

I also like that it's a girl victim. Yeah. Girl victim. All he did was bite her neck. No, I think they're saying a girl victim. Also, nobody in the news is picking up on the vampire aspect of this. It's a woman who died with two puncture holes in her neck. Vampire doesn't play into the headline at all. But now, by the way...

I've had those plastic vampire teeth in at certain points in my life. You know, I've enjoyed, I've enjoyed a vampire dress up. We get it. No big deal. Having fun with a little vampire. You can't do shit with those teeth. And to think that he punctured a woman's neck. She had a soft neck. Oh, wow. She's asking for it. She's asking for it with that soft, tissue-y neck.

I felt like, I was like, okay, even if you bit into someone's neck, it would still take her a very long time to die from that. Right? I think... It would not. You would have to pierce her jugular, and she would have to bleed out, and that would take minutes. Right? Right.

I mean, yeah. It's almost like an ad for those teeth because there is a scene earlier that's basically saying, like, you don't need the expensive ones to kill someone with these teeth. That's what the theme of this movie is. Because he passes up on the really expensive teeth. He says, I don't have enough money. He immediately becomes poor. He's basically saying, these will get the job done. He also becomes poor. He is very suddenly poor. For no reason. Yeah. He goes from having a lot of money to just $3 in his wallet. Well, he had to spend $50 to get Alva to come in. On the cab ride. Yeah, on that cab ride. Yeah.

wait, so I know we're still unpacking it all, but if he's not a vampire, 17 hours talking about this movie, but if he's not a vampire, I'm talking about the mimes dancing in front. Oh my God. Yeah.

I want to know everything about those people. Nick Cage goes to random house. We don't know whose house. It's not his apartment because he lives in the Brownstone. He goes to a random apartment to use a phone. A lobby pay phone. Yeah. And as he walks by, two guys are West Side Story-ing fighting. They're like, whew, whew. Like it's very choreographed mime fighting. And they're in a loop because they're doing the same routine in front of the building over and over again.

Why? I genuinely want to know. It's vampire stuff, you know? It's all vampires. Is that part of his illusion, though? Or is he just like, nope, that's New York in the 80s, man. That's just where we're living. You know, it's just really seeking Susan. It's after hours, and it's this.

Wait, I just, I'm thinking about, I'm jumping all over the place. I'm going to go back for a second and go, the place where he bought those vampire teeth, it seemed like they wouldn't sell vampire teeth. It seemed like a... Well, it was like a phrenology neon skull thing, head thing on the front. Yeah, like an herbal store. Like, it seemed like it wasn't like a place where you'd buy, like, $1.99 plastic vampire teeth. I mean, I've, look, I could see there would be some curiosities in that store. LAUGHTER

Those are the... The vampire teeth would be the curiosities. And there's also, in that store, the very expensive vampire teeth are on display, and then he says, well, do you have cheaper ones? And he says, oh, yes. Let me go into the secret drawer where we keep... For the people who can't afford the $20 vampire teeth, like cheap-ass vampires. This is what's so interesting about the vampire teeth. Like,

You could buy that he feels he's turning into a vampire, and that's a part of his delusion, and so he can't deal with the sun anymore. But when he buys the teeth, like, if he was a vampire, those fangs would grow, of course. Of course. Of course. So when he buys the teeth, he as the character knows, I'm buying these teeth to look like I'm a vampire. Right.

Well, before that, he's like examining his own teeth. But he sees that he doesn't have fangs. Correct. And so he goes out and buys the fangs, which to me shows a certain level of self-awareness. Like, I'm not a vampire, clearly, because I don't have the teeth. So I'm going to go buy the costumes.

I disagree. I think he's a perfectly rational person. By the way... Every decision he makes makes perfect sense. It would be like Hayes running around Anaheim right now saying, I'm a witch! I'm a witch! Because he's wearing a $2 witch hat. By the way, I think those shitty vampire teeth cost $3.50? $3.50?

In the movie? In 1989? That's like a Cracker Jack prize. All right, so I would believe all this stuff that he's not a vampire and he's descending into madness if the end of the movie didn't have Jennifer Beals go, dream of me. Wait, wait, so wait, so that was real? No. But why is that book ending the movie that the vampire's going like... Because I think it's basically like, you're fucked, dude. You're crazy forever.

But she's really a vampire. No. He's dying. Oh, so that's his last image. This is his last. I thought that was like the Michael Jackson moment at the end of Thriller where he's like, ha ha, I am scary. Like, you know, like. I

I think he says that line of dialogue, right? They cut it out. They cut it out and it became a huge hit. It would never have... I don't know, Michael. I think we have to cut out, ha-ha, I am scary. Ha-ha, I am scary. Fooled you. Fooled you guys. Just joshing. Just joking. How else are people going to know that I'm scary at the end? I have to say, ha-ha, I am scary. I'm scary. Oh, my God. Um...

I don't know, maybe the little boy in the beginning had something to do with all this. What? Oh, yeah. Little boy. The little boy who was peering over the stairwell. We never saw him again, and I really thought we would. Is he a wizard of some kind? You think he's like on summer break from Hogwarts? What do you think?

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June, I want to ask you a question because you're, you know, obviously you're a woman. Obviously. Do you iron a lot in your bra? Is that a comfortable position to iron? Well, first of all, she's wearing, I hate those weird 80s bras that have like no boobs in them. Like they wear these weird pointy bras that don't fill out a woman's chest.

Or that the woman's chest does not fill out. Well, I can't tell. This is honestly something I've thought about. Like, is it that women were not fitted correctly for bras? Or was it that you just could never, no matter what size chest you had, you could never fit into a bra that looks like that? This is such a good question. Like, I really want to drill down on this and this alone. Because I also want to talk about...

the stickers that were covering Jennifer Beals' boobs. Yes, thank you. Oh, I didn't see those. That were very visible and...

like, not the same color as her body. Yeah. So that was also very weird. But I feel like that was, to me, those bras, to me, in movies are indicative of, no, over-coverage, so nothing is revealed. That bra scene is so weird. Her reaction is so crazy. This is her boss who's been, like, threatening to kill her almost every day. She took a day off work. He showed up at her house. He's standing outside her window, and she kind of goes, Hey! LAUGHTER

with a bag of instant soup this is a person who has already chased her around the work environment so much so that she said I will shoot you with a gun and then he showed up and she's like alright come on in what's happening

He says something to the effect of like, I'm sorry that I mistreated you. And she's kind of like, aw. She keeps, he keeps, he bait and switches her so many times into like, no, no, no, it's fine, it's fine. And then he's like, ah, ah. And then like the minute he turns on a dime on her. Yeah. I also wasn't sure like what is going on in this home that's forcing her to go back to this job. Yeah.

Quit. What's happening there? Or, how about this? Go to HR. Please. Like, things are happening in your workplace that are absurd. She clearly did, and then he was sitting around with all of his buddies, and they were like, total locker room talk. Locker room talking there. That was terrible. They're all laughing. Can you believe? She asked me for a raise just because you chased her around? And then the boss was like, the only thing I want to know

was there anything written about me in the bathroom walls? And what did it say? Come on, guys. We can do better than this. Yeah, those guys are... So she probably did go to HR and then was kind of tough with them. Like, hey...

I'm going to sue you. Give me a raise. And she's like, no. And she's like, okay, I'll go back to my desk and find that file. Yeah. I mean, the movie is incredibly misogynistic. Also, I couldn't believe that she didn't kill him at the end, that we had to enlist her brother, a character we've never met. Yeah.

To come and take a wooden stake. Yeah, she should have killed him. Of course she should have. And, well, also the thing that I thought was so weird is they tie them together so much. When he's having his first mental breakdown, he's destroying the apartment. They're cutting that back and forth with her on the subway, seemingly in no harm, but, like, rattled? Yeah. I mean, something is happening between... And I don't know what it is. I think...

With your theory about AIDS and the late 80s, early 90s, something was happening. She's wearing a lot of Laura Ashley dresses. She was very innocent. She was very virginal. And her in the white bra and covering herself up, there was something connected between the two of them where he literally wanted, I mean, he did rape her at the end, but he wanted to destroy her. Somebody just went, spoiler alert. I will say, according to the director of the movie, that's not a real rape. Oh.

Oh, no. Whatever does that mean? That's in the commentary. We'll get into that. Oh, my God. Oh, God. He had a chance to weigh in on that scene. That's the one thing he wanted people to take home. He admits to it at the end. I mean, this ending scene where he finally, where he gets off. This is like, so Nick Cage is being, hold on one second. When he's finally kind of, I'm just going to fast forward a little bit.

He goes back to his therapist. This is where the movie truly became transcendent for me.

Is the scene in which he is like going back and forth between an actual therapy session, like a fantasy therapy session, and the reality of him talking with a blood-soaked mouth, talking to the corner of a building. So in this scene, his therapist is like, hey, I found the perfect girl for you. They agree that they like everything, and I'll take it from here. So refreshing. You see that? We're on exactly the same wavelength.

Fantastic. So long, Dr. Glazer. Oh, I almost forgot. I did rape someone a couple nights ago. Girl at the office. I just lost control. It's just a little id release. No use in worry. Just thought I should tell you. Okay. It's a load off my mind. Oh, yeah. Also, I, uh... Well, the fact is I did murder someone last night.

I turned into a vampire. It's a long story. Goodness. Peter, Peter, Peter, people get murdered every day in this city. Do you think the world is going to stop? Yeah, I guess, but the police and everything, what if they find me? Would you stop worrying and just get on with your big romance? He hasn't even been arrested and the big lug is carrying on. Now just get out of here, the both of you. Have a wonderful life together and I will take care of the cops.

This is a movie we watched. Like, they made this movie. People cut it together and it was like, I guess this is it. I guess we'll put it in theaters. About the police, in the real world of this movie, he's walking down the street. Covered in blood. Soaked in blood. Yes. Carrying a sharp weapon. I think...

the police are not a problem. It looks like he just did an autopsy with his mouth. Here is the interesting thing. Most of the scenes where he's running around screaming, they shot on long lens and everyone in that is real New Yorkers who give him no reaction at all. This is what I love about you, New York. You guys fucking get it.

- New York City! - This is a little bit on loop here when he's going into vampire mode. And just watch people's reactions, these are real people.

I mean, it seems insane, but like I lived in New York for 12 years and like that's not that weird.

So basically, we could all have Nicolas Cage's in front of our apartments in New York, essentially. That could be the... I would react. I would not react at all. I wouldn't either. If someone was screaming, I'm a vampire. I'd be like, yep, New York City. I'm going to cross the street right now, and that's all. All right, let's get to the audience, because I think the audience is going to have some good questions.

Do you have any questions? Any explanation, hopes? Let's get into it. Today we're giving out some stickers from Leanna Waldron who designed some great Kumite stickers, some great where do the butt starts, and it's like telling your aunt that you had sex. Where does the butt start? Here we go. Raise your hand if you have a question.

All right, great, right here. Now, sir, your name, but I want you to give me your best Nicolas Cage doing three letters of the alphabet. So you have to pick any three, and you have to articulate them like Nic Cage would do. So any three you want, your name and your question. Here we go. First, your name. PJ. Okay, here, Nic Cage. A, B, C! Great, and your question.

So first an explanation, if I might. Sure. So I think this film is about misogyny, sexual politics, and a Freudian obsession with his mother as the vampire. And that this has driven him into madness.

And that, yeah, he's absolutely insane from the get-go, but he's cage descending into the cage that is his madness. Whoa, wow. Are you a mental health professional? Well, I'm a musician. Okay. All right, it works. Immediately untrustworthy.

- You have a question too? - What instrument? - What's your question? - So in that scene that you played up there where he's talking to the corner of the building, does anybody else think that he looks like a cracked out Stephen Baldwin? - Oh, he kind of does look a little bit like Stephen Baldwin. I would say yes, there you go, there's your question. - So Stephen Baldwin. - Stephen, yeah. If you have costumes, I want to see your costumes too. Yes, okay. Oh, we have a great costume here. This is amazing. This is a Nick Cage costume. Can you guys guess who it is? Take a look from the stage.

bunny rabbit. Con Air, you're right. Nick Cage from Con Air. Of course. Yeah! Amazing costume. Got it. Alright, here you go. Your name, your Nick Cage impression, and your question. Is it the alphabet? The alphabet. Okay, my name is Diana. E-F-G! Great. Nice. So...

You say that he's not a vampire and you have different theories as well, but you're very quick to believe that he killed that woman. And I actually had a disagreement with my husband about that where he is, yes, he killed her, but she's in the big nightclub all by herself. She has cocaine. No one's around her.

She's all by herself. He manages to kill her and then wander back into this huge club. I know they're doing the whole, everyone is focusing on dancing and they're only into themselves, but how is it this woman's by herself? And I actually did believe with the bad blood and everything. I think we know she's dead because the newspaper tells us. But we don't know anything to be real.

So in your experience, you said that she has cocaine and no one's around her. In your experience, when people pull out the coke at the club, everybody wants a piece. Am I right? The 80s. There you go. All right. Well, what do you think? I mean, I think that everything is fair play that you are, that she is not dead.

Really? It's the blood. The thing I trust is him wandering the street, and he's covered in blood, and it's not his. If the newspaper didn't tell us that she was dead, I would be like, oh, maybe she's not dead. Because it didn't seem like a wound that was lethal at all. But that's just me. But the newspaper tells us differently. Maybe she overdosed.

and then he also killed her. So maybe she was passed out there and he drilled into her. Possibly. We've got to find out. We've got to talk to the cops. We've got to get a serial-esque kind of podcast going on about the murder. Before she... This is the thing about this movie. This movie exists in a world in which women, beautiful women, cannot wait to fuck Nick Cage. Yeah. So much so that he comes staggering up to this woman who's doing coke and just starts groping and touching her and she's like...

It's on at that point, yeah. She's pretty into it, and then he, like, bites her to death. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? The weird thing, and I'm not trying to... Get out of there, lady! And I'm not trying to blame her at all, but I'm trying to imagine if someone came over and started biting me, I feel I would just...

I would just get up. Or like pull his hair and pull his head off. Yeah, that's what was so weird. And coke doesn't make you like chilled out. It's not like she was on Molly. She's like, oh, this feels good. She'd be like, what the fuck, man? What the fuck? She'd get violent, I would imagine. If anything, she would have coke strength. Yeah. And be like, snap.

So you're saying she'd kind of be like the man of bricks. Well, but no, but here's the thing. She'd be like the man of bricks. But I'm saying that, by the way, because we know he's not a vampire, I don't think. No, we are sure he's not a vampire. Okay, fine, fine. We're sure he's not a vampire. But that's what I'm saying. By a round of applause. Okay, go ahead. If a human were to come over and start biting me... With plastic teeth? With plastic teeth, I think it wouldn't... I think I'd probably be able to get out of it, not to brag. Okay.

June. Paul, Paul, get those plastic teeth. All I'm going to say is when we met, you did not. But this is what I'm saying. Now, if a vampire came over and started biting my neck, I don't know. What do you mean, I don't know? It's very difficult to say. It's difficult to say. Because he would hypnotize you with his eyes. He has hypnotizing eyes, the vampire. Some of them are strong. Paul just left off.

By a round of applause, who thinks this story involves Nicolas Cage turning into a vampire? Okay, okay. One person. In a pretty crowded hall, one person. Everybody calm down. What the fuck is wrong with you? It is just you and you alone. You're okay with that? He for sure though isn't, right? No way. How many people don't think he's a vampire?

Whole audience, pretty much whole audience. But I also want to ask, how many people aren't sure? A lot of people. That's a lot of people. This is like being an undecided voter in this election. What is wrong with you idiots? Gary, man. I'm with Gary. All right. Your name, your Nicolas Cage impression, and your question. My name is David. W-X-Y-Z. Great. Yeah.

All right, so I want to do a little research, and I found out on Box Office Mojo that this movie only made $725,000. And I also noticed it opened the same day as the How Did This Get Made classic No Holds Barred. And I was just wondering if you guys had to choose between acting with either Kurt Fuller in No Holds Barred or Nicolas Cage in this movie, which one would you want to be in with?

Wow, that's a great question. There's your stickers for you. Who would you rather act with? Kurt Fuller, who is, now, you probably don't remember No Holds Barred. He's the network executive who calls him a jock ass. Jock ass, right? What's the quote? You jock ass. Remember him? Right, vaguely. Yeah.

Oh, for me, the answer is obvious. All day, every day, Nicolas Cage. LAUGHTER

All day, every day, Nick Cage. I want to wake up in a world in which Nicolas Cage is running around going berserk. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, cool. What are we doing? We're doing total insanity, ring of blood around my mouth. Great, I'm on board. Yeah, Kurt Fuller's a good actor. I mean, and so is Nicolas Cage. But I'm just saying, but it's more of an interesting experience, I would imagine. To get, like, caged on.

I live in a world in which I understand Nicolas Cage to be insane, right? And we've seen, obviously, a million Nicolas Cage movies that are cuckoo bananas, Wicker Man, so many good ones. This is a movie in which he is, what did you say, 23? 23 years old. He's 20. So Nicolas Cage was that Nicolas Cage even then. And that's terrifying. Yeah.

That is terrifying. Just think of what they needed to do in Moonstruck to keep him contained. Yes. Like, because it was all there. It was ready to explode. I see him doing takes and then being like, okay, we're going to go again. He's like, no, you got it. And they're like, we for sure didn't. You didn't say any of the lines in this scene. You acted crazy. Your accent doesn't match any of the accents you've done so far. And he's like, trust me, you got it.

Sir, your name, your Nicolas Cage impression. You can also say Boo-hoo, because he did a good Boo-hoo in here, and your question. My name is Sharrick. Boo-hoo!

That's great. That's very good. I wanted to know if you guys noticed that he's watching Nosferatu when he is supposedly bit by the imaginary vampire. And then later on when he's in the club, he's kind of basically taken on this whole Nosferatu, like he's got his shoulders up. Yeah, I know. He's doing the Nosferatu posture and everything. I thought it was really kind of crazy that he was doing that, and it was a weird choice that he was making. Again, that to me is Nicolas Cage.

You know, like that's the story in Kick-Ass is, you know, like they go, they show the first day that they do the scene in which he's big in the Big Daddy gear. Nicolas Cage does the Adam West voice and he hadn't told anybody he was going to do it. And it was like, that's what I'm doing. And they had to be like, okay. Like, that's what I love. He's a true maniac. It's like Forrest Gump said, you never know what you're going to get, right? Yeah.

I enjoyed that very much myself. Sir, your name, your Nicolas Cage impression, and your question. My name's Oliver. D-E-F. Great. That was awesome. All right, question. So in the same way that there's a kind of knockoff Fantastic Four in the movie, is all of the movie a kind of knockoff American Psycho? Well, this is before American Psycho because you could argue that American Psycho ripped this movie off.

Yeah, Jay McInerney. Is that who it is? Brett Easton Ellis. Brett Easton Ellis. Thank you. Sorry. Let's get him on the phone. It is the same reveal. Guys, let's get into this. Brett Easton Ellis. Still in it. Are you guys are in costume? This is not all right. Amazing costume here. Did you just say you guys are in costume? And they're like, no, we're not. They're very clearly in costume. They're the ambiguously gay duo right here. Amazing, amazing costume. Awesome. Very good.

All right, your name, your Nicolas Cage impression, and your question. Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are they really in big? Stand up if you are. Take the point. Oh, yeah. You're an amazing. And they're drinking red wine. You guys look amazing. Okay, your name, your Nicolas Cage impression, and your question. My name is Liz. N-U-P. Great. Accent. I have a quick comment and a question. All right, quick. Listen to them.

So when he kills the woman in the club or not, he goes and throws up, and then he puts the vampire teeth back in his mouth, which I thought was super disgusting. I couldn't tell if they were still in his mouth when he vomited or not. But my question is, did you get a weird vibe about the relationship between Alva and her brother? He calls her baby. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah.

And then he wakes up one morning and she's just kind of standing in his room next to his bed. It's very, theirs is a very tender love story. Something was strange in that house. Too many adult children living in the home. Yeah. The mom's just making tons of eggs, which I don't care for. Made me trust this movie. That mom would kill you. That mom would straight up kill you. All right. There you go.

Yeah, all right, yes, okay. Here we go, final question. What do we got? That was Taylor's question. This is more for, like, June. Did you notice his date at the museum? She had this hat that had a hole in it for her hair. Of course I did. Of course I did. The hat that only covered, like,

The circumference of her head? Yeah. It was just, basically just a brim. But what I loved about that hat was when she walked away from him, she pulled it down and more of her head popped out of it. Okay, well, this, some great questions. Great job to all of you. Obviously, we had an opinion about this film, but there are other people out there that had a different opinion. It is now time for Second Opinion. Woo!

One, I really liked that movie. Two, I liked it even more. One, two, second opinions. Amazing. What's your name, sir? Derek. Gary? Derek. Whoa, hold on one second, Derek. Derek, great job. And I love that you themed your second opinion. There you go. Great job. Thank you, Derek. Well done. Well done. That's

That's how it's done, you guys. That was really, really great. All right, these are five-star reviews cold from Amazon. Let's get into it. Okay, this is from Bobby Sprinkles, and he simply writes, it's like watching two dogs making love. You'll want to look away, but you can't, or maybe you don't want to look away. Maybe you want to keep on watching and watching and watching.

This movie will make you feel dirty, but it's so good. Five stars. Bobby Sprinkles. Sprinkles gets it. Nick, this is from an Amazon customer, no name here. If there's any movie that completely and totally captures the human condition, this is it.

It fully expresses the dangers of a stressful and hostile work environment, showing us the true need of a happy and stable lifestyle. Everyone who wishes to possess a deeper understanding of what it is like and how to live life needs to view this movie. You will not be disappointed. Five stars.

It is a lot of this here because it goes here to Lizzie who writes, "This movie is terribly misunderstood by those who have little understanding of the human psyche. Cage portrays a narcissist who desperately seeks love but equally fears it and cannot achieve it without disassociating from reality and creating a fantasy." Actually, that's exactly right.

That's, you guys, that's exactly right. That's what really happened with him and that woman with the crazy hat is that as soon as he started to feel feelings for her, he ran away.

And made himself a vampire, completely unlovable because he feels undeserving. That's how you feel like that was his like, he's just not that into you moment was like, and then he's going to go on a date with her. And then the vampire comes and takes him away. This is what's happened. That's right. Exactly what's happened. That's why he's in therapy because he's trying to find that like a real relationship.

I feel like we can't read any more. Well, I'll read one more, but yeah, all right. That's exactly what's happened here. We cracked it open, Liz. I thought that dog fucking guy was on to something, but that one is... Oh, no, no, no. That one's very smart as well. No, he's literally turned himself into a vampire and someone who could not be loved. Wow. We just brought it down to kind of bring it up, if you know what I mean. Jake Himson writes this.

If you like vampire movies, you will not like this movie. My daughter's friend hated it, but she sat through the whole thing. If you're a goth person and you like to dress up like a vampire or for some stupid reason that you think you're related to Count Dracula, you'll also hate this movie.

But maybe you should watch it. Because maybe you'll learn something about the way normal people view you knuckleheads. Five stars. Whoa! I love this. My daughter's friend, the vampire girl. Yeah, she brings home this girl dressed like a goth. That idiot. Why won't you play softball like her other sister? Knucklehead. Um...

This one was just, I feel like we can't top that one, but I'm going to read this one because it's just so weird. It's just like, we are three youngsters from a northern place in Sweden, and we are addicted to this movie. We saw it every day. We're writing a review together. We are three youngsters from Sweden? A northern place in Sweden. We saw this movie almost every day for three years.

But sadly, the tape died on us and completely broke. So, Herm, we have no lives now. I'm really very scared. I feel very scared. This movie will make you puke guts out of laughter. What is it? This movie will make you puke guts out of laughter.

Well, maybe they get it like we get it. Maybe they're like, this movie's hilarious. Those VHS youngsters in Sweden. With Northern Sweden. Actually,

For the first time ever in the show, we are going to do something here before we wrap up here just called Answers. And like Hayes said, this movie is very hard to come by and the DVD is even harder to come by and there's a commentary track with Nicolas Cage. So now I will let the audience or people on stage, we can pick

one or two of these and you'll get the full answer of why these things happen. We can hear the accent. We can hear about the bat. We could hear about the cockroach. We can hear about the mind. What the movie is about. All right. Great. Yeah. Here we go. What the movie is about.

To be honest with you, Nick, when we made this film, it was complete chaos from the beginning to the end. Also, nobody really understands what this movie's about. Which is probably good. It's good because I understand most of what it's about and I've got interpretations of what I think some of the things are about, but I wonder...

I don't know if we ever really discussed it. We didn't. Well, I mean, I'm a big believer in the ambiguous and letting it be about whatever people want it to be about. But I always saw the movie as a story of a man whose loneliness and inability to find love literally drives him insane. All right, that's his interpretation. Yeah!

I do want to play because I know it's so good. Wait, is that the director? Yes. And Nick Cage? Yeah, and Nick Cage. The director is saying, this is the person who's arguably should know exactly what the movie's about. It's like, it was chaos. I have no idea what this movie's about. Yeah. And I have some idea about what a little of it is about. The rest of it, question mark? Here's a great, this is one of my favorite ones. Here we go. I suppose we should talk about...

The famous bat? How we got into an altercation one day because it was very important to me that the bat was a real bat, and I didn't want this remote-control bat. I kind of went off my rocker a little bit. And I remember you'd sent your assistant out to Central Park to find a bat one night. Yeah, I was pretty nuts about getting a real bat, which, of course, was going to cause all sorts of problems with the...

animal rights people. I think I managed to persuade you by telling you that if you got bitten by the bat, you'd die. You'd get raped. Yeah. Can you imagine? How was work today? Well, Nick made me go to Central Park and try and capture a live bat.

So that happened. But their resolution to that is so weird because on the screen as they're talking, they're watching a bat that looks like somebody is waving it on the end of a stick off screen. And they're like, but it turned out great. We're so happy everything worked out. You were totally right. I had to talk you out of doing your insane thing to the thing that makes total sense and looks totally normal. And here is the explanation for the mimes.

Now this scene coming up next, I think this is where he goes into a hotel and these people are dancing. I don't know what this is about. I don't know what I was doing. I haven't got a clue. This movie exists in an era where you could get millions of dollars to do something that you did not know what it was. People give you money to just like, I don't know. We're going to fucking figure it out.

And I will... Avril has cut together an amazing compilation of the best moments. It'll be up on her YouTube site, the Movie Bitches site. You can watch the whole thing. I will leave you with this. This is just the tenuous relationship between the director and Nick Cage, and it's pretty great. It's a tit-for-tat relationship, and here you go. I think what happened was...

that I had a lot of trouble doing this shot and I needed some help from you and you refused to help me on the shot. - What did I do? - Well, you didn't do anything. So it took me about 10 times longer to shoot it. Because all I said to you was like, "Do you mind just stepping a half a pace to the left as you read the note?" And you said, "I'm not moving. This I have to keep still."

I was originally going to eat raw eggs or something. I thought, no, we should make it a cockroach because I really want to do something that would shock the audience and something they would never forget. And I saw it as like a business decision because I've seen this movie in the theater. When people see that cockroach go in my mouth, it's like the bus blowing up in speed. I mean, people go really react and it's like worth $2 million in a special effect and all I do is eat a bug. So it's good business, but...

You got the shot in the first take, but because of my not moving, right? And the other scene where I'm ripping up the napkin you've just explained, you made me do it again. So I ate two bugs, but you used the first take. There was a payback for the day before. Yeah, and you got me. It kind of makes that like...

Instead of Luke Skywalker blowing up the Death Star, he should have eaten a fucking bug and everyone would just go home. It's two million dollars worth of effects. By the way, I just... He just saved... The director should be saving, thanking Nick Cage for saving him all that money because that shot is so effective.

So crazy. Obviously, there are things that we have not covered. Nick Cage wearing sunglasses. Unstoppable. He just starts inexplicably wearing sunglasses in the middle of the movie because the sun's too bright. Of course. Because he's turning into a vampire. I got some news coming up in one second, but I will say if you feel like we haven't covered anything, you can call us at 619-P-A-U-L-ASK. That's 619-Paul-Ask and not Paul-Ass as some of you... Now, are you still answering...

Paul asks, A-S-S. I stopped it because I felt that the messages were getting too explicit for me. Oh, yeah. And I like more of a subtle, sensual talk, and that was getting more grotesque. Oh, that's too bad. But if people call Paul ask, will you answer sensible questions about your tushy?

I might. I might consider it. Blake Harris also will get to the bottom of this. I know he is getting to the bottom of a lot of good stories. Really getting deep into Dreamcatcher right now. You can find his articles on Slashfilm. Now, before we get into plugging what everyone's doing, I want to tell you guys something. And I've announced this once, but not out to the public. But I will now be sharing the screen with Mr. Nick Cage. And...

That is me and Nick Cage in a movie that, for people listening at home, you can get right now on VOD. It's called Army of One. It's the real-life story of a man who decided to kill Osama bin Laden. Nicolas Cage plays that guy. The majority of the movie is in Morocco with him yelling at people with a sword. My character's name is Pickles.

And I, as I told June, on my first day, I got some cage rage, and here is the scene. Oh, my God. Full, full-on cage rage. I'm going to move out of the way just so everybody gets to see you in these boxers right here. Yeah. My character, yeah. So that is some full-on cage rage. You can check out Army of One, directed by Larry Charles.

in 10 theaters or on your video demand service of choice. It makes perfect sense that you are 2016's Maria Conchita Alonzo. It's Paul Scheer. Do you wear an ill-fitting bra in the movie? You can't see it, but yeah, that's all padding in there.

And yes, and Nicolas Cage is, I will say, a consummate professional. Very attached to the script, and it was the best experience of my life.

to work and hang out next to him, which was a lot of just sitting silently next to him. Very attached to the script. I love the story about that, which is you trying improv and it not going great. It was built to me as an improvised movie. And I learned that as long as I gave him the right cue line and didn't change anything, it could be improvised. So I could add like a, Hey, it was fine.

So, yes. I will say there was a moment, the best moment that I will say, and I could share it very openly, is that at one point he told me about his knife guy. And that was the only time he has a guy that makes him knives. And I was like, that is the best Nick Cage fact that I ever know. He has a knife guy. It is not my life goal to be gifted a knife from Nick Cage. I really thought I was going to get one because he had talked about giving people knives. I was like,

I was waiting in the mail for this knife to come that never came. But maybe that would have been a threat. That's a heartbreaking story. I like the idea of June opening it and not knowing about this whole knife backstory. Crazy blade. But now, Hayes, obviously people can listen to your amazing podcast, Hollywood Handbook. If you have not heard it, it's one of the funniest, greatest podcasts. So, so good. Thank you.

And you wrote on Divorce, which is on HBO. Divorce, yeah. Vice Principals is the next thing that's coming out. Season two of that next year. Yep. Awesome. All great stuff. June, you're back. Anything you want to plug? You can check out Grace and Frankie on Netflix. The second season and the third season is coming out pretty soon. I'm not sure when. Jason? I don't have anything to plug. This will be November 11th, just so you know. What's that? It's November 11th, just so you know. It is right now? Yes. Fuck. Fuck.

Well, if people want to watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine, why not? Watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

And I will say, we're doing this from the Now Hear This podcast festival. There's a million great podcasts. We mentioned Hayes' podcast. But there's been a lot of great podcasts at this festival. Please go listen to more podcasts. Listen to the GIST. Listen to Pop Culture Happy Hour. Listen to 99% Invisible. Listen to all, everything. Just consume podcasts, everybody. But not as much as you listen to our podcasts.

I'm still at war with a lot of podcasts. Consume it like you would consume a coked out woman's blood at a cool club in the 80s. That's how you could consume it. Just get in it.

A big thank you to Avril Halle for cutting together all these clips, listening to everything, and that amazing thriller that opened up the show. A big thank you to Leanna Waldron for these amazing stickers, Nick Kiley for all the research, July Diaz for everything that he does, Marissa Zeitz, Earwolf, everybody Earwolf, everybody here at the Now Hear This Festival, amazing people here. Make sure you check out Movie Bitches on YouTube. Thank all of you guys for coming to this.

Thank you for having us here. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We're a great show. Good night.

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