On the Line w/ Ike Barinholtz (HDTGM Matinee)
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Yes, friends and neighbors, with Xfinity, the Wi-Fi is booming. Restrictions apply. It's the NSYNC movie that no one asked for and no one wanted to see. We saw On the Line, so you know what that means. Now it's time for...

How did this get made? Come and have a good time, celebrate some failure, not just be a hater, cause you know you won't get it. How did this get made? Let's follow in the mediocrity of subpar art. Perhaps we'll find the answer to the question, how did this get made? Hello people of Earth and welcome to How Did This Get Made? I am joined as always by June and Jason. Hello to you both. Hi Paul.

What's going on? Jason is, of course, not in studio right now. You're in New York, and so that equates for the... That's why I sound weird, guys. Yeah, you sound like you're in a toaster. We are joined today by a very funny... And by toaster, you mean a Cylon. Yeah, man. A frack. Oh, what the frack? What's a frack? Frack.

Frick you. We are joined by the very funny Ike Barinholtz, who you might have seen on MADtv or Eastbound and Down this season. He played the Russian pitcher. Welcome, Ike. Hey, now. Thank you for having me. We're very excited. Now, this is a movie that, Ike, you recommended to us. Right. Why? We were talking about it. You're like, God, it's tough to find movies that we, you know, because we know people who make movies now. We don't want to offend anyone. I go, I think I know a movie that no one is involved with. Yeah. And this is, this movie...

This movie, On the Line, just to give you an idea, was released in 2001. Yeah. It was an NSYNC movie with Joey Fatone and Lance Bass. And...

Man, it's kind of a romantic comedy, right? I mean, I'd say besides 9-11, it's the worst thing to happen in 2001. Oh, this was released in 2001? It was, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Okay, that changes things. I've heard a lot of people say that this movie is why they attacked us on 9-11.

Well, I heard that they were just trying to get the planes over here just to see it. Yeah. Lance Bass is huge in Saudi Arabia. He's huge. Lance Bass. Okay. So he plays a guy who, according to this movie, this is where I'm most confused. Mm-hmm.

He's a guy who is dating, but he just clams up when he finds the right girl? Yes. So every one of these characters is not really black and white. It's kind of all shades of gray. Yeah, very nebulous. Yeah, there's no clear choices on any one. I mean, I gotta say, I always feel bad for the writer. I always imagine when the writer finds out who their lead's gonna be. And the producer's like, so we got the lead. Yeah.

It's a primo romantic comedy actor like Ben Stiller. Wow, this is great. No, no, no. It's not Ben Stiller. It's more of a song and dance man. Oh, great. This is real. So now, do you think they added in the music stuff? Like, they had a version of the script that was just for, you know, your run-of-the-mill, like, regular romantic comedy actor. And then they were like, okay, we have Lance Bass. We have Joey Fatone. Yes, yes, yes. As a matter of fact, the original script was rated R. Really? And they had to knock it back.

for the NSYNC audience. That's right. Okay, so they basically wanted something about Mary. Yes. But can I say something? This movie, even if it was R, I don't even understand where the R is coming in. Because basically the whole, there's no stakes in this movie. He meets Emanuel Shirky. Right, right, right.

I call her E's girlfriend from Entourage. And by the way, if you ever do a TV version of this show, we need to do like six hours on Entourage. Season by season. Yes, okay, sorry. I could spend forever on the finale. We have to do that. That'd be amazing, a special version. Yeah, I'm an expert on Entourage. I know everything about it. I'm obsessed. But basically, the whole movie is he meets a girl on the subway...

And then he's just trying to find her for the rest of the movie. And there's like no... Well, it is a very confusing premise because the movie starts off in a flashback. Right, right. Seven years ago. We find out that basically everything that is important to this movie happened seven years ago. Seven years ago. They said a couple of times. They're singing Spendoctors, like NSYNC's making fun of Spendoctors. Yes. How dare you? I need... Honestly, I genuinely need for somebody in our audience to find out how many times Two Princes has been played in a movie. Okay.

I would say the over-under at 18. Oh, no. I'm going like 30s. Way more. Now, this is a dumb question, but is NSYNC just comprised of, I don't know anything about boy bands. Is that just Joey Fatone? No. No, didn't you watch the credits? Yeah, the credits. Timberlake was in NSYNC.

Yeah. Timberlake, Chris Kirkpatrick, and J.C. Chazet. Who's not in the movie. Not in the movie. Clearly a bone of contention. Yeah. So do you think they first went, because by the way, not to jump ahead to the, but the end credits is over a sketch that Justin Timberlake and who is that other guy? Chris Kirkpatrick. All right, and there's more life and energy in that sketch. Oh, yes. And it's terrible. But it's...

It's also very awkward that Timberlake is playing a gay man to Lance who has since come out of the closet. Yes. It's very uncomfortable. It's a very over-the-top gay performance by JT. But I like Chris Kirkpatrick's kind of German guy. I thought he was.

he was great. He was good. He really did. Best actor in the movie besides that. So you're saying that you would rather have seen a two minute, what that two minute sketch was at the end. You would rather have seen a 90 minute. A feature length film. Yes. Well my, I feel like they probably tried to get in sync to play all of the boys in the movie. And Timberlake's like no fucking way I'll do a sketch at the end. Well see that's what I was curious about. Like did it first, did the main part, Lance Bass's part, first go out to Timberlake? Without a doubt. Without a doubt. No. You don't think so? I,

I think Timberlake was supposed to play the, like, what's the skinny hip-hop guy. And I think Chris Kirkpatrick was supposed to play the smart guy. Yes. So where does that leave J.C. Shazay in all this? That's why he wasn't invited to the movie. I'll agree.

You know, it's funny. We were talking about it, and I've seen this movie a bunch back in the day. And a couple days ago, I was like, I should watch this again. And I couldn't find it on Netflix or Amazon Instant. Amoeba didn't have it. Barnes & Noble didn't have it. But the whole movie is posted on YouTube. And I think that's the way this movie is supposed to be seen. Yes, in five chapters. In eight chapters. And the great thing is it was uploaded by a poster named Lance Bass Fan Page. And it says...

Posted with the express permission of Lance Bass. Clearly they were at a premiere or something and saw Lance Bass. They're like, hey, can I...

Lance, I love you. Can I post this on YouTube? He's like, yeah, whatever. I don't know. Can I post this whole movie that Lance Bass does not own? Yeah, he does not own a movie that is made by whatever company it was made by. All right, so. Yeah, the premise is pretty confusing, though. So he's this guy who I guess has, he does date and seems to have a pretty active love life. Yeah, he's not a loser. He's not a loser. He's not a loser. In fact, he.

He steals a girl in high school, which we find out later from another. That was kind of, but that wasn't really, he didn't steal it. She just kind of jumped in. She just asked him. She used him. From that guy's point of view, it looks like he was a dick because he gives him that smarmy look. Okay, but it does seem like he dates people. Yeah, he's a cool guy. He's out and about. He's out and about. He's out and about. Well, they also set him up as a loser in work where he's like in the mail room with Jerry Stiller. Yes. And he's.

By the way, they lay so much pipe in the beginning of this movie. Like, all these things like, hey, you ever going to tell me what that baseball means? Right, right. Hey, are we ever going to get this job? Hey, Reebok is really up our ass on this account. I was like, how did Reebok get involved? By the way, most product placement ever in a movie. The McDonald's french fries. McDonald's french fries. That's like Mac and Me fucking, like, so blatant. There's a Pepsi in there somewhere. A kid is literally holding it, like, holding the McDonald's thing out. It's like, it's out. You can't, no one would hold it like that. By the way, I love it.

I found that scene very disturbing. That kid is about seven years old and says he's telling Lance Bass and his sidekick how to fuck chicks. Yeah, how to fuck

Fuck chicks. And then he takes his friend's rise and walks over to an older woman in her 30s. Yeah. In her mid 30s. Offers her fries and then gives them a look like. Well, in the R-rated version, she blows him. That's why they cut it. That kid gets laid. Also, that kid starts off the thing that I really want to just call our attention to, which is the sound effects for head turns, blinks, and anything. What the fuck?

What the fuck? It's like this movie was scored by a fucking DJ morning man in Tulsa. I think what happened is that they saw- There's actual crickets at one point. There's actual crickets. If somebody tells a joke that doesn't land, there's crickets. There are crickets. There are fart noises. Joey Fatone has 11 fart sounds. Oh, 11. Every time he moves, there's a fart sound. There's triple takes, like, what, what, what? A couple record scratches. A couple of those. When Joey Fatone turns his head at one time and goes, wake up, wake up, wake up. Like, it's like-

Actually, no, Joy Fadone actually makes that noise when he hits his head. Also, there's that song that keeps playing intermittently that's like, yeah, baby. Hey, baby. I actually have a clip of that song. Just so you can hear, this underscores, the movie barely creaks in at an hour and 20 minutes. And this movie plays under, I would say, an hour and 15. Here you go. That went pretty well. Okay.

Give it. All right, so there you go. That is just a taste of the music. And that plays all the time. And loudly. Yeah, yeah. At points I couldn't hear the dialogue. It was so loud. Terrible sound mixing. Terrible sound mixing. I mean, I'm trying to think of worse leading men for a movie. Like who's worse? Like Paul Gasol? Yeah.

See, here's the weird thing about the movie, too, though, because in the beginning, that's seven years ago flashback, he's the lead singer of this band. Yes, the Spin Doctors band. The Spin Doctors band. And we find out later on that music means a whole lot to him. Oh, it's huge. That's why he works for Reebok. That's why he works for Reebok. Well, so much so that when he's on the subway, he will start singing along and getting embarrassed. Not only does he start, he's listening to Al Green on his CD man or whatever it is. He gets so embarrassed.

into the song that he stands up on a public subway and starts dancing kind of wildly. Yeah, and then he gives that sheepish deer in the woods about to be murdered look like, I'm sorry everyone. And of course, who could resist that? But why isn't he in this band anymore? Well, I think after, I think what maybe they were going for is that after he, because remember in the beginning, not only does he choke, he faints. He fucking faints.

He fucking faints. Oh, right. He faints. Oh, yeah, you're right. So maybe they had a meeting afterwards and I think the band broke up and the only one that held on to the fucking dream was Fatone. Fatone. Can we talk about Fatone for a second? Yeah. It's good in a movie like this if you got a lead like Lance Bass who's not a pure comedy guy. You got to get a comedy guy like Joey Fatone. Wasn't he? He's UCB, right? Yeah. Was he on the Spice on Monster Bomb? Well, no, I think, well,

Well, Joey Fatone was actually first member of Human Giant. Right. But he was a Second City guy, I think. Was he Second City? I think he did Second City and UCB. And IO. I gotta say, I thought for being a non-actor that Joey Fatone, this is controversial, I

I thought he did a fine job. I thought he did a fine job. I was going to say the same thing. Thank you, Jason. He actually seemed to be doing good. Well, I mean, I think he tried his best. But at the end of the day, like, I've been to fucking children's funerals that are funnier. Sure, was it funny? His material was not good. His material was not good. Yeah.

But I guess some of the fart noises were pretty good. But you know what? He was a relief from watching Lance Bass and like E's girlfriend from Entourage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because watching them was like watching the... It was like being a producer on a reality show and just wading through the boring footage of a reality show. How do we edit this to make this interesting? The chemistry between them, it was like the chemistry between like...

a hubcap and a turkey sub it's like two nothing there's nothing but wait wait who's who in that scenario because I want to know because I want to know whether I was attracted to the turkey sub or the hubcap definitely the turkey sub I mean yeah come on man come on

Joey Fatone has, for the record. Can we talk about the scene between the turkey sub and her roommate? Oh, my God. I was obsessed with that scene. So basically, he's girlfriend. You just spent the weekend with your boyfriend of three years who you haven't seen in a month. It is like the poor roommate has like 10 minutes of just solid exposition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the turkey sub just kind of wistfully looks out the window. Yeah.

Well, like, by the way, she comes home, like, you know, so the turkey sub is visiting Chicago. Yeah. And that's how they have this chance interaction. Yeah. But she comes home. Which is a big reveal, by the way. Yeah. Because you think he's going to see her again on the line. No. On the line. On the subway line. Turkey sub doesn't even live in the same town. But it seems like this best friend is, like, the minute, like, she's like, how's your boyfriend? Wasn't it great? And she's like, I met another guy. And she's like, great. How is he? Isn't he awesome? It's like...

These friends are switching on a dime. Like, a true friend would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're in a relationship with a guy for three years. What the fuck are you doing? What's wrong with you? You're acting like a fucking turkey sub. Jesus. Yeah, that was a great scene, man. Oh, my gosh. Well, a huge part of this movie, a huge part of this movie for me hinges on a couple of things. One, there appears to be no such thing as the internet. No.

Yeah, well, 2001, right? That didn't exist, right? Or CDs. You could totally, by the way, you could 100% post a Craigslist misconnection at this point. You could try and internet look up this person. That would be possible, but it doesn't. Yeah, no. And that every single person only reads the newspaper, and the way they read it is by holding it up completely in front of their face. And

By the way, this local story is front page news every day on the Chicago newspaper. Right. I mean, meanwhile, like 15 people got shot to death on the left side. They don't mention that. And what was really weird is the first time it showed up in the paper, the picture they used of Lance Bass was his graduation photo from high school. Why? What would they do?

I assumed it was because the other guy was the reporter who was spurned. That was the only picture you could find of him. By the way, I got to say, it's one of the greatest introductions in cinema history where you see the antagonist and he's at his desk playing Game Boy again. 2001, too late for Game Boy. By the way, this movie I think takes place in the world where the Y2K happened. That's why they don't have the internet. That's why they have to draw pictures. He's playing fucking Tetris and for no reason, he just falls over.

I love artificial fucking inorganic physical comedy. It's amazing. I can see them on set being like, we got to fucking pump the scene on that. It's just flat. I just fall down. What do you mean? You want to fall backwards? Why would I fall backwards? Just fucking do it. I do want. All right. So when Lance Bass or when the turkey sub and the hubcap get together, I do want to just play a clip so you can hear the chemistry. And this is Lance talking about baseball, which I feel like he's never seen. No, no, no, no. So here, take a look.

I cried.

Okay. Most guys wouldn't admit that. Yeah. I don't know why I just told you that. That was the worst moment of my life. That was my favorite line of the whole movie. So not passionate. This guy does not care about baseball. He doesn't even know what happened.

I cried. Jesus. And those two actors, neither of them have ever seen a baseball game. No. They have no idea. Cubs, that's football, right? That's football. And then Lance asks her the question that every guy likes to ask a girl. What's something you only will tell a stranger? Yeah. Creepy. To which she replies. She says, I like making paper airplanes.

And one other thing. Shame. Shame on her. And my dad's a pilot. That's why she likes making paper airplanes. Right, that's why. Because her dad's a pilot. That's true. It would be great if she was like, I killed a man in a hit and run one time. I just kept fucking driving. That's the worst secret to tell. What's a secret that you've never told a stranger? I make paper airplanes. What the fuck is that?

And then after that, she walks him up to the subway platform and launches one of her paper planes from there and then says that this is her favorite spot to do it. Her favorite spot. She doesn't live in Chicago. He doesn't live there.

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The relationship I was really curious about was between...

and Jackie at work. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Jackie is Hubcap's nemesis. Yeah. They're both working on the Reebok account, which is, again, if you're keeping track, we've talked about McDonald's, Reebok, and also there's a mention of Pop Secret. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Are we to believe that Reebok...

The company Reebok is going to hire some tiny rinky-dink ad agency in Chicago to do all of their advertising? Oh, yeah. No sense. And when they show their ads to them, they're just going to have magazine cutouts of girls' heads on little doll dresses. Like, yeah, that's our ads. That was their big... First of all, Dave Foley, who's in this movie, reveals, he goes, here is our vision of Reebok, and it looks like the worst...

Computer graphics is like Reebok the future look at like it. It's so poorly done it like it's so poorly also He fucking hubcap is supposed to he's supposed to be good at his job right you know so he says your own point goes What about this and he holds up two cush balls and goes Reebok Reebok and she looks like you're a moron and she's right Fucking worst bitch I've ever heard in my life

Well, also, this guy, Lance Bass, is in the mail room in the beginning. Yes. And then Turkey Sandwich says to him, oh, did you work on that? Hey, Paul. Oh, Turkey Sub. Hey, Paul. Sorry. It's a Turkey Sub, not a sandwich. You're right. Sorry. I apologize.

Turkey Sub says, oh, did you work on Pop Secret? He goes, oh yeah, I wrote that jingle. Wait, you're working a fucking nail on me. You're trying to push the copier with Jerry Stiller. What the fuck are you talking about? You're working on jingles? By the way, the copier metaphor which runs throughout the whole movie is one of the

more baffling. That's supposed to be like the oil in There Will Be Blood. You know what I mean? It's a metaphor for everything. Jesus. Poor Jerry Stiller. He had no idea. He had no idea what he was doing in there. Yeah, so this whole movie is basically they give you a little bit but then they take it away. It's like,

You know, it's like, Joey Fatone, is he a good singer? Is he not a good singer? Well, all I'll say is in the first 17 minutes, he has three songs. Yes. That's tonnage. Oh. That's too much. Oh, a little bit when he does a full cover of Pour Some Sugar On Me, literally pouring sugar on himself. And then after fucking Turkey Hubcap tells him what happened, he gets on stage and busts a parody version of Every Rose Has Its Thorn about, what is he, Weird Al Yankovic? Yeah. That just happened.

It just happened. Well, also, Joey Fatone also has that interesting ability to be like, do one song. All right, guys, let's take a break. I'm going to go hang out with my friends, chat with them for a bit, go back on stage and sing another song. He's just performing in a place where music is going to stop and start and I ain't giving him one. It's the world's worst bar.

Oh my God. I love too, about 24 minutes in, when he kind of figures out what he's going to do. He's got a finder. Oh yeah, he's got a finder. And they start playing the titular song on the line. It's the worst moment in cinema history. Ah!

It's the fucking most uncinematic, horrible, terrible scene in movies. I mean, this movie is the most uncinematic film at all. Like, pacing is not a thing in here. Montages are insane. Montages are crazy. Really long, too. And there's, like, there's one, there's that scene where he walks through the hallway of that, um,

of his ad firm and all of like the secretaries are looking at him. They play that scene about seven times. And the one time, one time he just drops his papers and they all start laughing at him. Like all he did was drop a couple of papers. These women are horrible. Yeah. It's a harsh place to work. Also this whole working, this whole place of work is constantly dictated by what's on the cover of the Chicago times. Like he's looking for love. Everyone's into him. He's,

he's a jerk. Oh, everyone hates him. Like there, there's so much. They, they really are feeding off of this article. You would think these are the only people that would know him for him. Uh, they are just whatever the paper says they are in. Oh my God. And we haven't even talked about his friends really besides Joey Fatone. We have the, the astute guy who's always reading the paper. Right. And then super serious. Yes. And then G, uh, his, his name is GQ. He played a character called Eric. His name in real life is GQ. Um,

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Yeah, he plays a version of that character in Drumline as well as a bunch of other movies. If you look at GQ's IMDb page, it says, GQ, as he likes to be called, is a brilliant young actor, writer, and MC. A product of shy Tilly, he went to NYU's Tisch School of the Arts and worked in the experimental theater wing. It was there, along with some classmates, he conceived the idea for the bomb... Oh, he was the Bombity of Errors. Bombity of Errors.

That's the guy. That's the guy. Wait, he said he's from Chi-Tilly? Chi-Tilly. Does that mean Chicago? Yeah, I guess so. Let me tell you something, Paul. I'm from Chicago. I lived there 18 years. I've never heard anyone say Chi-Tilly ever. Never once ever. It's never happened. It's made up to herb. Jesus. Chi-Tilly. Wow, Bomba de Averroes. Bomba de Averroes was awesome, though. Wow. He created that? Yeah. Jesus. And the ad-raptation of the comedy of errors. Dude, I think he misspelled it. Ad-aptation. Nope. Ad-raptation. That's not a word. Nope. Nope. He's like, hey, man, just chill out. Let's go back to Chi-Tilly. Just go back to Chi-Tilly.

Christ, I didn't know. I'm sorry. Yeah, those friends are the worst. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And basically the friends decide they're going to, because all these girls are so in love now with Lance Bass because he's looking for his true love, all the guys are going to take out all of the girls and fuck them, which they then do. That's the major flaw of the whole movie, though. Hey!

all right, so like these girls call him to say, oh, I'm the girl from the subway, but yet he has to go out on dates with all of them. It's like, no, that's not the girl. That's not the girl. Just pick up the phone and go, yeah. Or show up and be like, I'm not her. Bye. Yeah. Or just cut in the phone and be like, oh yeah, no, you're not her. But you guys, the other major, major flaw is that these friends are concocting this whole plan. Once the girls show up, they,

They've seen Lance Bassett. They've seen Hubcap's picture. Yeah, on the cover of the paper every day. They're going to show up and not go over to his friends. Why would they? And basically these guys are just fucking girls, like literally four times a night. That's what they allude to. They didn't beat the script that enough, I think.

think was the biggest problem. I love the scene where the three bros and four bros playing baseball. Oh my God. Barbecue baseball? Barbecue baseball. Lance Bass. When Lance Bass throws a baseball, it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. It's literally how I imagine Rue McClanahan would throw a baseball right before she passed. Like, I mean, it's so soft. Why would she pass right after that?

Her baseball throw kills also he is standing maybe four feet in front of joy for tone like yeah, it's so bad oh my god, and then they and then they hit it and then they hit it right where their friend has set a beautiful table like Yeah, like what are you doing? Well, and they literally go you probably wondering why we asked you here to barbecue baseball. He goes well I brought the meat

This is my idea. By the way, the staging of this movie is so horrible, the blocking, that during this scene, they're all standing in one line. One line facing camera. Yeah, the director was done. He's just like, four shot, fucking stand there, let's go, keep moving. And they look like they were freezing. Yeah, it looks like that was the coldest day of the year. That looks like they shot it like a March 5th in Chicago, where it's like 32 degrees out. It's

I do want to just... Because I'm obsessed with it, like, these characters going back on what they've just established that they've done. Constantly. Which is Joey Fatone is in love with this character called The Mick, played by Richie Sambora. Right, they went with the comedy guy again, too. Yes. You want to get a big comedy guy, let him go. Yeah, Sambora. Sambora, yeah. Just hitting it out of the park. Fucking bringing it. And so Sambora, he's like, I love The Mick, I love The Mick. And he watches The Mick on TRL. He's like, oh, I hate this guy. I hate this guy. This guy's the worst. It's like, wait, you just...

over the couch to watch your favorite guy and the guy says two words. This guy is, I hate him. And then at the end, he comes back in and goes, I love this guy. Do you think maybe he was just upset to see the Mick like an interview for him? Selling out? Was he selling out? I don't think the Mick was selling out. No, he was being the Mick. That's what the Mick does. The Mick talks about the Mick being the Mick.

the Meg? Ugh, fuck me. Wait, we haven't even talked about, this is before the friends concoct this plan, GQ takes Hubcap to see Al Green in comedy. Oh yeah, you know that five minute Al Green scene really gives the film a nice sense of urgency. You know what I mean? We're going to literally show Al Green singing for five minutes. Oh, and show Al Green singing.

It is the worst lip sync of all time. I can't describe it to you because it's so utterly bad. It's like someone's playing a CD. He's not even near the microphone. It is so off. He is so bad. That's what's weird about this movie. There are sounds...

added in but then there are sounds taken away like something very strange happened with the sound it's almost like the sound mixer was like holding them hostage he's like oh yeah you gotta pay me otherwise you're losing the fucking Al Green track hey guys you see the last couple of checks have bounced so I'm not really gonna do this anymore did you notice though that at certain points the camera would be on an actor and they'd say something and the word one of the words they would say would

just be so obviously dubbed over by another word. But not even bad words. It just happened a couple of times. No, no, no. Not curse words. I love bad ADR in a movie. Yeah. It makes me happy. And every time you see the back of a character's head in this movie, you hear like, hey, watch out, get out of the way. Like the worst fucking ADR. And then they do it with their leads. I don't get it. But they do it with their leads. It's like, you're going to get screwed. And then it'd be like, you're going to get in trouble. Like it's like, that's what they're doing. It's like, I'm going to kick your butt. And it's like, but clearly it's that ass. Like,

but like that's not really dictating the difference between an R rated movie and a PG 13. I bet it's still, I bet it was still for like teen tween girls. I think it was still that it was as, as sensitive as, but to ask, you know, if we're talking about tween girl, are you going to talk about the scene with Al Green? No, I was going to say maybe the most offensive scene in the movie is the protagonist or the antagonist's girlfriend. Who's actually my friend, Mandy, uh,

She goes on a date with Joey Fatone and he tells his friends what happened the next day. Oh, yeah. I would love her to come on and talk about this movie. I mean, because, and her character, because it was so baffling. I mean, she's having a hard time with the antagonist. He's a dick. He's, you know, wrapped up in his work and he's consumed with jealousy over Hubcap. So much so that when she walks in from that date, she's severely injured. Her fucking face is bandaged. Her face is bandaged.

And she's wearing a leg brace. Clearly she's been hit by a car or something. Something terrible has happened to her. He doesn't even look up. He doesn't look up for a while. Then he does look up, continues to talk, looking at her, and doesn't notice.

Right. And then at the end he goes, what happened to you? And then they get out of the scene. Yeah. And then Joey Fatone comes in the next morning and is like. No, no, no. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. He says, what happened to you? And she smiles. She smiles. She smiles like she's like, I finally got fucked right. Yeah. That's what I got out of it too. She did some creepy shit with Joey Fatone. Right. That's what was so interesting about her character.

So then Joey Fatone retells the story to his friends. Right, and they're like, what happened? And he basically tells her, he's like, I was doing my thing, which is like rocking out, I guess. Yeah, rocking out in his bedroom. Right, his big move is to kick the amp. That's it. He says that. He goes, that's my big move. There's no ambiguity there. Yeah.

So, and his friends are like, uh-huh, uh-huh, what happened? And then he fucking kicks her in the face. Yeah, the amp, doesn't the amp like fly at her or something? No, no. He misses the amp. He misses the amp. He kicks her in the fucking face. And she falls over and he goes, I broke her nose. And they all go, oh, and he goes, and her ankle. And then they start laughing. And then he goes, guys, it's not funny.

And then they stop. That scene where Joey Fatone, GQ, and the smart guy are eating cereal, eating Frosted Flakes. Frosted Flakes. Big box of Frosted Flakes. Prominent. They are eating food so loudly. There is such loud, wet mouth sounds. Disgusting. It was overwhelming wetness of chewing.

I love that we called the other front. They brought up the level. The sound mixer brought up the level on that. Yeah, fuck these guys. Fucking check bounce. And they're just talking about, they're talking about like getting laid. I couldn't believe it.

I do want to revisit the Al Green scene again because it was a missed connection because Turkey Sub was there and so was Hubcat, but they missed each other. But Hubcat gets kicked out because he doesn't have tickets. Doesn't have a ticket. Now, meanwhile, this Al Green concert is like in a formal dining space. Yeah, it's like 60 people. It's like at a supper club. He didn't even get there and get a table. Front row, front row, front row. And by the way, why...

Why did they even... So this is obviously, they needed to get them in the same space together. So the writer's fix to that was to have GQ say he had tickets to this thing and then get him to go, but he doesn't know Turkey Sub's going to be there. No, no, no, no. I guess GQ also likes Al Green. Who doesn't love Al Green? My God, young men love Al Green. My dad, these guys...

You could guess that they might be there because they talked about loving Al Green. She said he's playing at that venue. In a normal movie, if I'm Hubcap, I'm like, maybe that girl that I liked who said she loved Al Green and knew about that concert would be there. Well, that's great, but then why would you have GQ be in the front row and then all of a sudden, yo, I forgot my tickets, yo. Shy Tizzy. What did he say? Chantilly? At the

At the supper club, yeah. Nobody checks your ticket at the door. You just walk in and sit down and start ordering drinks and a meal. Is he eating? He's eating food. They're eating. God damn it. They're eating food. Ah, shit. And then a security guard comes over for no reason. No reason. By the way, why is Al Green doing dinner theater?

He plays all that big at stadiums and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Reverend is playing out bigger. Oh, the Reverend. Oh, my God. So now the friends, you know, they've fucked up. They started dating all these girls, having sex with all of them, and now they got a, you know, now Lance Bass has gotten some bad play, I guess, because the return of events, Turkey Sub finds out about this. Well, Turkey Sub meets GQ. Yes. Yes, but even before that, I expected that the reveal of Turkey Sub finding out that

that this was all going on because she's not in Chicago very much. - No, but she makes it back to Chicago a lot. But then she says she's moving. - She says she wants to do field work. And her boyfriend Paul says, "Ugh, enough with the fossil hobby." And she says, "It's not a hobby."

Take that. First of all, he looks like Tom Hanks at the end of Big when he turns back into a kid. He's a young kid wearing a business suit. He's like, the markets. He's like, don't sell, don't sell. Right, right. His cell phone makes him. Futures, cattle futures. Yeah, but I figured, okay, so the way they're going to reveal her finding out that she's been sort of detached from this whole thing and this crazy, like Chicago's taken by storm.

with this story so it's going to be really interesting how she finds out no she just walks over to a newspaper stand right picks up a paper and reads it that's it just real casual like not excited calls the number and that's it she just calls the number she doesn't exclaim she doesn't look surprised she's just like huh

Dials the phone and GQ picks up and pretends to be Kevin and she's like, totally fine. All right, let's meet up. You know, before that though, there's a great little scene where Lance Bass, sorry, Hubcap answers the phone in his house and we assume that it's Tricky Sub. He's like,

Hey, yeah. Oh, my God. I'll meet you. I'll meet you. So he goes to dinner and you see him waiting in the diner by himself. And then you see her walking to a diner and they do like fucking Silence of the Lambs where you don't know what's happening. And then it's just, no, it's the crazy girl. You know, fucking level four at ImprovOlympic in Chicago fucking got cast doing the whole I'm a cutter. I feel like we have a cosmic connection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That fucking bullshit. Oh.

My favorite part about that was at the end when Cosmic Connection and Hubcap, it goes wrong and she gets mad at him. Yeah. She leaves. She like storms out. But she first leaves money. She takes money out of her purse and puts it on the table. I didn't see that. Well, she's a considerate crazy person. As best as I can tell, she has not eaten, ordered, or drank anything. And Cosmic Connection also, isn't Cosmic Connection the same girl who goes, I don't need to take this. I'm from Oregon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What? God, I didn't notice she left money. I didn't notice she left money. Maybe that's one of her quirks. Oh, I love it. Ever wonder what happens when two college best friends become finance experts? Well, you know what? Meet Nick and Jack, former Wall Street guys turned podcast hosts who have made business news fascinating and fun. Since they've been freshman year roommates every morning on The Best One Yet, they serve up the most interesting three stories at the intersection of business, finance, and pop culture.

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The guys try to help him back, help out Lance Bass, and they make a sign that says, has anyone seen this girl? And it's the most crude drawing. It is like a stick figure head. And they're going around going, hey, have you seen this girl? Have you seen this girl? It's a stick figure head. It's a stick figure head, and they're screaming at people. They're like, you guys! These people can't be seen.

I can't do anything to help you. No, I don't know what you're talking about. Buckle me up. The bad thing is GQ had her. GQ had the girl and he lets her get away.

I love to. Sorry, not only does he let her get away, but when all the friends find out that he actually saw her, they say you have to tell Hubcap immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He takes his time. Oh, yeah. He's in no rush. He is in no rush. It goes to another baseball game. Right. Which, by the way, of course, the Chicago Cubs are such whores. You could shoot a fucking Bukkake film. They're like, yeah, sure, great, absolutely. When are you going to be here?

You know you're fucked when the best line and the best line reading in your film comes from Sammy Sosa. Which I would love to play for you right now. Basically, Sammy Sosa has had this problem where he keeps on hitting foul balls into GQ's nuts.

Can I just say that's never happened in the history of baseball? Never. Let alone three times in one season. Three times, and it looked like they were also, it looked like the foul ball, it didn't look like they were in an area where that foul ball would come right into his nuts. And if that happened, he would be seriously injured. He'd be in contusion, he'd be in the hospital, he'd be sad. Let's listen to Sammy Sosa's line. The first line, there are two other Cubs I don't know the names of, and then the third one is Sammy Sosa.

That's got to hurt. I can't believe he's hit that guy three times this season. Damn, that's the third time this season I hit this guy. Best report in the movie.

I wonder if the line was, they were like, maybe people aren't going to understand Sammy. So maybe we need people who don't speak with an accent to say the same line first. Just set it up. Set the table a little bit. Jesus. It's impossible, by the way. That's completely impossible. You can't hit someone in the nuts. It's just, it's out of, yeah, no, no. Yeah. Oh, man. And nuts is a runner in this movie, too. He goes, oh, he just got hit in the, and somebody's like, would you like nuts in your Chinese food? That's literally the next scene.

Just got hit in the... Would you like nuts in your Chinese food? I also got to see it again, but I feel like when he gets hit in the balls, there's a... Oh, yeah. Or something like a... I mean, there's a sheep sound effect at one point. There is a sheep... I heard that. I heard that. Yeah. I'm sorry to go back to the injured girl and Joey Fatone. Yeah. But where did we lemon that? So she really got something out of that experience. Well, Joey Fatone also goes, she got rocked. Yeah. Okay, so are we to understand that after he hit her...

And she rolled back off that bed backwards and fell on the ground. No one has equilibrium in Chicago. They had sex after that. They fucked after that. After he broke her nose and her ankle. And then she went to the hospital. Then she went to the hospital. The doctor says, what happened? Broke my nose, broke my ankle. When? An hour ago. What were you doing in between? Fucking. Why didn't you come here right away?

By the way, Joey Fatone did not accompany her to the hospital. I don't believe he did. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. Wait a minute. How did she meet Joey Fatone? Because she called the number. Sorry, I forgot. There's a lot of information, guys. I'm sorry. I forgot. Oh, my God. Okay. Do you think that they were going to have... I mean, I won't cut to the end of the movie. I mean, there's stuff. Everybody sort of has a happy ending at the end. Oh, yeah. Everything works out great. Except for us. But do you think that those characters ended up together? No.

Oh, yeah, they definitely did. They had that thing. Yeah, they had a little thing at the end. Remember, she comes in at the end because when the Mick is there and the Mick is saying, like, I want you to do my new record, give me your dimple. Right, and then she shows up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the way, she's totally healed like a day or two later. A broken nose, it's simple. It's a real quick fix. All right, so the...

basically the movie takes a really bold choice which is the last 20 minutes could probably be condensed into five yeah two I was gonna say two yeah two it's like it's so many music montages so many sad faces like they're just

Just wading through at this point. It was like, we need to make this at least 120 minutes. Well, we are given the twist that Jerry Stiller has had a heart attack. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Which was surprising. He actually had a heart attack because he found out he was doing this movie and he just fucking keeled over. I'm sorry. Was I really stoned?

Or is there a scene where fucking Hubcap is breakdancing in the office by himself? Wearing ladies Reebok sneakers. And not only that, but after Hubcap gets so into it that he's like, he's on the ground, he's breakdancing. Then Jackie walks in. Yeah, she catches him. Finds him there. And then he...

pretends to hide on the ground. Yeah, he kind of curls into a ball a little bit. Yeah, as though he's saying to her, I'm not here. I'm not here. This isn't happening. Guys, why is he putting on women's sneakers? I did respect that. He was trying to feel the product so he can come up with the killer jingle. But meanwhile, they already came up with the jingle. They got it. In the beginning of the movie, it's like, for girls on the move, Reebok.

And then he's constantly working on his ad campaign. Like, what else is there to do? We got it. We got it. Let's talk about Reebok for a second because they originally don't really care about him and he's put on the team kind of by accident. He's put on the team because he was in the paper and then Reebok... Right. Dave Foley first was like, get on the team. I'm going to use him to my advantage. Yeah, and then the newspaper was like, get on the... Then they saw the newspaper and were like, get on the team. They want him on the team. But why would they want him on the team because he's...

Because he's looking for love? Posting this misconnection. Like, I wasn't quite sure...

God, I don't know. Maybe because it's just he's like a celebrity now. So they want him. He's a celebrity, so they want him on his advertising. Did they know he was the guy? Did they know the guy in the paper was the guy that was on their ad team? Yes. Reebok does. That's why when the paper turned against him, they were like, we want him off the ad team. We've changed our mind officially here at Reebok. Wait a second. Here's a big hole. Reebok thought that it was Jackie's idea.

Yes, because Jackie stole his idea. She stole his idea, yeah. All right, so we are nearing the end of this movie here.

Holy. Yeah, we got to wrap this up. This is insane. Larry Stiller delivers a couple sports monologues. How did you get that? Because in the beginning of the movie, he goes, how'd you get that baseball? And he's like, I'm not going to tell you. And then at the end. Well, he had a life-changing experience. He wants to get it all out before he's gone. I mean, I get it. It makes sense. By the way, for a man who had a heart attack, he's totally fine. He's almost in a nursing home. Yeah. He's in a beautiful arboretum in a wheelchair. They actually shot that scene on the King of Queens set. They were like, listen, you're going to lose Stiller. You got to go to him. Shoot the scene there. Go, go, go.

One of my favorite exchanges is at the end when all the buddy bros come back together at the bar. And one of the guys, GQ says to him, you look good. Lance Bass goes, I feel good. And the smart guy goes, you look good.

I can finish a little improv. Listen, that's been established. I think, honestly, the writers and directors didn't trust that all the lines would be heard. Again, there's something happening with the sound guys on the set. They just wanted to get all the lines a couple times. So this movie was made for you. Anyone want to take a guess how much this movie was made for? I will say $12 million. June?

Yeah, I'm going to say like maybe eight. Jason? 20. 20? 16 million bucks. Oh, God. And it made a whopping 4.3. Just keep the money. Okay.

4.3. That's a lot of money that didn't go on the screen. Yeah, there's nothing on the screen. Nobody got paid salaries. It looks terrible. Yeah, it looks terrible. There's no hair and makeup department. Oh, no, no. Turkey Sub doesn't have hair and makeup for the first quarter of the movie. Yeah, but Hubcap does. Hubcap has a lot. Oh, my gosh. I love, too, when Sam Boer and him show up at the end. It's like in Heat.

when Chino and De Niro have that scene. Finally, yeah. Finally, these two screen legends are sharing the screen. I also loved in that scene, you know, everybody's found someone by the end, and the smart guy...

The smart guy at the bar turns around, he's listening to music, we're having a happy ending, and there's a girl holding an art book who I guess we're supposed to understand is smart and that they'll end up together. I guess so. And she's in a bar at night and holding an art book like a coffee table sized art book.

If this is like a real movie, the smart guy would not want any part of the dating and he would be like, no, no, I want to find love realistically. No, he's out there fucking girls just as much as all the other three guys. Writing on the board. Like, yeah, so it's not like a big deal that he found love because he even says like, oh, last night was awesome. Like, he's like, he's into it. The weird thing too about their plan is like they seem to be meeting girls like every 15 minutes. Oh, yeah. So is it about

them because they're meeting so like I don't know are they June you just don't get what it is to be a guy I guess not in the R rated version they show them all fucking it's all like the scene in Wedding Crash it's just naked girls on the bed all the time clearly we did not like this movie but there are people who really did and this is now time for a second opinion these are reviews cold from amazon.com there's a couple of them this time because they were so great

I had to pull more than usual. This is a great one. ♪

This is written by Carrie Guiltfeather, and this was written in 2001. That's not a real name. No one has that name. This is written by Carrie Guiltfeather. A real feel-good movie when America needed it most. Oh, how dare you. Wow. Wow. I'm offended by that. Horrible. Yeah, that's rough. Then this is definitely a fake name. Tyresa Darksaber says... Darksaber? Darksaber. Come on.

Better fake name than that. Darksaber? Darksaber. What I love about that is I feel like people, even though these are positive reviews, nobody's willing to put themselves out there. Wrong. These are five star reviews. He goes, this is a clean movie. Of course, there might be some language, but it was totally void of any long petting scenes.

That's Teresa Darksaber? That's Teresa Darksaber. Isn't she on Game of Thrones? Now, there's another one. These are written just by the blank names. I was very impressed with Joey and Lance's performance. There are better actors than these guys, but just imagine this movie with other people and you'll be fine.

That's not my responsibility. That's a slam. That's a slam. That's not a good review. I gave him a five-star review. If you don't like these guys, just imagine better people doing it. Look, there are better actors. I'm not going to lie. But if you imagine those better actors doing it, it's great.

It also says here, it could have been better with 15 or 20 minutes chopped off. It dragged on too long. With 15 or 20 minutes, the movie's barely an hour. It's 58 minutes. This could have been a good half hour sitcom. And this is my favorite one just because of the math of it. This is from Melissa Wilkins. For all the people who think it bombed, please

keep in mind it was only in a thousand theaters and when compared to the big pictures that show in more than 90,000 theaters 90,000 theaters they would have actually placed fourth for first week numbers

Not bad for a couple of boy band guys, huh? Thanks, Lance, for the great wholesome movie that we are so lacking. You don't have to be 14. I'm 35. Oh, Paul, let's stay in the light. My heart breaks. The heart breaks. $90,000. No.

By the way, just so you know, no movie is released on 90,000 screens. There's not 90,000 screens ever. There aren't 90,000 screens in America. Yeah. No, in the world. Why? I don't even know there's 90,000 screens. Basically, in America, the most is like 3,000. I think it's 3,700. Yeah, 37. Let's get specific. Yeah. If it was released in 90,000 theaters. There might be 90,000 TV screens. But if I get movie screens? Yeah.

So that is a second opinion. I also love that at the very end when the Chicago Tribune. I'm sorry, guys. It's the Chicago Daily Post. I'm so sorry. We had a great article. Fire was the title. The Chicago Daily Post reports on this happy ending and publishes on the front page the worst picture of Turkey Sub and Hupke.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Did anybody see that? Oh, God. Her eyes are closed. They were running out of money at that point. Like, just fucking whatever. Just put two makeup stills together. Fucking fuck it. By the way, the end of this movie, the coverage on this event is like the space shuttle launch. It's like there's so many cameras. Everyone's gathered around their TVs. Everyone's watching. Civilians on the L platform are like, I'm not going to work today. Fuck my family. I'm going to watch fucking Turkey Sub and fucking Hubcap shake hands. Oh.

And then, of course, like we said, just that great character-driven little tag at the end with...

Timberlake. Timberlake actually was the best part of the movie. They stopped the end of the movie. It's almost they didn't even trust it to be in the end credits. Al Green starts singing again. Al Green comes up and he's singing. They cut that off immediately and they go behind the scenes. And it wasn't really behind the scenes. I've never seen that before. And it was just JT. But you get why JT. JT went on to a lot of bigger movies than this. He has more charisma than every single person in that movie combined. Oh yeah. He's a movie star.

Lance Bass, I guess, he, what else did he do after this? I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry. Well, he's now one of the biggest actors in America, isn't he? You're thinking of Ben Stiller, Jason. Oh, my bad. But like in Chuck and Larry, I think it was just like a literally one-off gay joke where Sandler's like, yeah, look, there's Lance Bass. He's a gay guy like me. You know, like it wasn't a big part. And Joey Fatone, I know recently was on fucking like Celebrity Cook-Off.

And he brought as much energy to that as he did this movie. I appreciate Charlie Fatone. I really do. He seems like probably the nicest guy in the world. He tries really hard. Well, he was also in Jersey Shore Shark Attack. Oh, that's right. Mankation. Incubus.

Karaoke Battle USA, the Kentucky Derby, Imagination. I genuinely hope you're looking these up and not reciting these from memory. Beethoven's Big Break, the dog movie Beethoven. So that year, like two years ago, the Oscars, it was No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood, Jersey Shore, Shark Attack. What were the other ones? I think it was a dual year. It wasn't Mancation nominated? Mancation might have been there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. So that is this movie. Did we miss anything that anyone wants to chat about? Oh, God. It's strange that one of the big plot points is that they have this crazy connection because they can both recite every president in order. Yeah, that's how they connect. That's like a huge...

part of their story, their love. That they know the presidents by heart. I still love tears. Tell me a secret you've never told anyone. You've never told a stranger. You've never told a stranger. That's madness. Still the best. Oh my God. Guys, we have t-shirts. They're awesome. They're brand new. They're Crank 2 inspired. Jason Oda sent

made them for us and they're amazing. Our new guy pulling our clips, Dave Steffi, thank you for pulling our clips on the line. Didn't mean to make you watch it. Would you guys recommend people seeing this movie? I think I would. I think it's a fun movie to watch. I think it's a fun movie to watch. Clearly, Tracy Lightsaber thinks it's good family fun. Teresa Darksaber thinks it's good family fun. It's a movie to watch if you're an eight-year-old girl who's had some head trauma.

And if you have YouTube, you can watch it in easy installments. Oh, yeah. Just go to Lance Bass fan page. Remember, it is posted with the express permission of Lance Bass. You can follow us on Twitter. I am at Paul Scheer. At Miss June Diane. At Ike Barinholtz. There you go. I'm not on Twitter, guys. I'm not on Twitter. Jason, 2012, man. You got to get on there, bud.

And Jason, you have a big movie coming out this week, The Dictator. Yes. Coming out. Please, everybody go next Wednesday the 16th. Please go and see The Dictator. Can't wait. It's going to be awesome. All right. Well, that is all. Thank you, Ike, so much for being here. Thank you. You're awesome. Love the show. Love the podcast. This is amazing. You have to come back. All right. Thanks so much. That's it. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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