Baby Weight Fraud
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, Gaitriots, and Natriots.

We are in New York City. We came up here, as you all know, to film with the fabulous ladies of The View, which that was pretty cool. I mean, Whoopi Goldberg, E. Gottlieb. Yeah, that was crazy. And so because we want to stay on schedule, we are filming up here in New York to make sure everybody's petty grievances are tended to, nurtured, rocked, and coddled. Pumps, what have you had it with?

Okay, what I've had it with is when I buy something online.

And then 30 days later, I get the same thing because I've automatically been signed up for a subscription when I didn't sign up for a subscription. And I will tell you, the first time it happened, I thought it was user error. I thought, oh, it's me. I'm doing it. And then it's happened again and again. And I've gone back into the website and I've done a complete forensic accounting of this stuff. And when you buy it, it automatically sets you up for the subscription. And I've had it. And then they make...

unsubscribing, you're like hit unsubscribe. And they're like, what can we do to keep you? And I was like, this was a one-off. This was a one night stand and you're trying to turn it into a relationship. And I never wanted that. So quit, leave me alone. I want to buy something. I want it to be a one-off. I want to be done. I don't want to subscribe. I think it's bullshit in the highest order. All right. Let me ask you a few questions. Okay. Did this start around January 20th?

I'm not just saying this, but it did. Yes, it did. This is what happened. It's the grifting in Trump's America. It's Trump's America. Because I remember right before Biden left office, it was like, we're making it a law to where you can cancel any subscription with one click.

Right. You know, these gyms will make it where you have to go in in person. Kylie's got that rogue tanning membership she's had for years that she spends like 75 bucks a month on. She never uses. But in order to cancel it, she has to go do it in person.

And I think this is a Trump's America issue. And he's eviscerating what remains of any form of consumer protections, or as Republicans call them, regulations. And I think there's just going to be more of this. I think you're going to have to fasten your seatbelt. This is the first-

of many things that consumers are going to take it up. You know what? And you know what? The whole, like, you're trying to break up with a corporation and how needy and clingy they get is such a turnoff. It's a total, well, these alpha males are so needy. It's ridiculous. I've never seen anything like it.

Yeah, but I think corporations are also equally. Corporations are now acting like alpha males. They're needy. They need constant attention. They need to tell you how great they are. They need to keep you. You can't leave. It's a control thing. I mean, it's all the same in Trump's America. All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. I've had it with the phrase, stay positive.

I don't want to be positive. I don't want anything to do with being positive. I want to be Kendrick Lamar, petty, looking straight into the camera and saying, say Drake with a grin from ear to ear. I don't want to be positive. I want to be petty. I want to be pissed. I...

I'm tired of the positivity pushers. There's just people that are constantly pushing to try to stay positive. And it's like, this moment doesn't require positivity. This moment actually requires negativity. We need to be negative. We need to attack and be vociferous in our negativity to be able to overcome all of this rampant, insane MAGA fascism.

Yeah, the stay positive crowd, I'm like,

The house is on fire, our hair is on fire, and you want to talk about staying positive? Shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear it. Quit being Pollyanna. We need to be loud. We need to be mad. We need to be rebellious. I agree. And sometimes it's something that maybe you should be positive about, but you just don't want to be. And it's a part of your processing of emotions.

I need to be mad about this. I need to be petty. I need to like really get in the gutter. I need to go low as low as low can be so that I can get to the other side of it. And I think sometimes if you skip that part and it's like, oh, I'm just trying to stay positive. You're just a Stepford wife that ends up with a wall of Stanley cups voting for Donald Trump. And that just doesn't end well. It's not a good look.

And it doesn't end well. Yeah. I remember when I was pregnant with Luke, I was really mad at my real dad. And my mom said, you just need to get over that. And I was like, no, no, no, I don't need to get over it. I'm mad. I'm right to be mad. I'm going to stay mad until I'm not mad anymore. And I'm not talking about it.

And I loved on that for about two weeks and then I let it go. But sometimes you just have to love on it to get through it. Just saying stay positive doesn't change it. I remember when our marriages were at like their peak worst and I had like my pain and my grievances and I envisioned those as like wrapped up in, you know, those Tiffany boxes that are blue, that Tiffany blue with a white bow, like my pain was

and my grievances and all of my negativity, I gift wrapped up in the most beautiful Tiffany's box. And I would in my brain, pull it out meticulous, meticulously, undo the ribbon, open up the lid and just start pulling out and petting on all of

all of my resentments and I needed to do that. I needed to have my little resentment box that of course was, you know, a fabulous Tiffany blue, but I needed to mentally have that. And I wasn't ready to put my resentments away until I was ready. Now this is a slippery slope because if you keep those resentments forever, that's not good. And I no longer have the resentment box.

But there was a time period that I did and it was very important to me. It was a very important part of my growth of my quote unquote self-discovery. And, you know, when you hit your 30s, you realize like,

Oh shit. We're like completely unprepared for adulthood. Cause in your twenties, you kind of skate by and you're still kind of a kid. You think you're hot shit, but you're not. When you get to your thirties, it's like, oh my God, I'm so wildly unprepared for life. Absolutely. And I had resentment boxes and then remember I had homicide fantasies. Oh, I do remember your homicide. Yeah. I mean, I had the whole thing planned out how I was going to murder my husband. I mean, I never did it.

But it made me feel, it relieved stress just to like fantasize about it a little bit. It always kind of shocked me a little bit when you would say it. I remember thinking like- It always made me feel better. I remember thinking like, I love Josh, but I don't want him-

to die and I would tell you that you'd be like oh I absolutely want uh my husband to die at my own hands welcome to I've had it I'm Jennifer I'm Angie she is a uh homicide a fan she fantasizes about homicide and listener for those of you that it's like Meemaw Princess Diana cupcakes and rainbow

She's a little savage, which makes it even better to have that component. Thank God I haven't had those fantasies in decades. But I did have them. I mean, admit it, I did. I remember it. I remember you talking about, I remember there was a car accident. Yeah. There was a more violent baseball bat situation in which you were the swinger of said bat. I do remember a time that you did grab a purse and

and hit him with your purse and you called me bragging about that. The Gucci hobo bag. Yeah. Big one. Big. Yeah, I remember it. I just took it down to the floor with the bag. That's the first I got. Kylie's here today. Kylie, what's going on with our podcast? We've got a couple more reviews that I'm going to read you today. Okay. But up first, this one's Grateful Five Stars.

Jen Pumps and Kathy, ha. I've been listening for a few years and find your humor, personalities, and content exhilarating, informative, and hilarious. I'm always finding I've had it daily. I'm a teacher, so I find them a lot, and I needed to list a few for you. Number one, Mama Heart, which I know you all have had it with that too.

Two, when an influencer or someone online refers to objects such as a purse, couch, pretty vase, or something thrifted as she. Because look how beautiful she is. They aren't human. The object is an it. And number three, I've had it with son in love or daughter in love. Just call them in-laws. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you all for the fun and keep up the good work. Amy in New Orleans.

This is the first I'm hearing of son in love, daughter in love. And that is just the cringiest, most God awful, wretched, unrealistic pile of horseshit I've ever heard in my entire life. This, these are the people that have, these are, this is the stay positive.

Right. And the live, laugh lovers in wood on your counter. Here's what I'm just going to go out on a limb. I don't know anything about it. This is the first time I've heard about it. But if somebody is calling their in-laws, their daughter in love or their son in love, I guarantee you, whoever that son or daughter-in-law is hates their fucking guts. Think

I think it's an overcompensation. I think that person hates them. I'm just calling it right now. I think that's true. I have to concur, counselor. I have to say, I think that is probably spot on. Because I think when you do stuff like that, there's a compensating factor. It has to be. That we have to make everything cupcakes and rainbow because we're trying to disguise some

It's just your fucking son-in-law or your daughter-in-law. Right. Shut the fuck up. Quit showboating. Quit making shit up that nobody is on board with. I mean, I bet this started since January 20th. I'm 100% convinced January 20th is when it started. Kylie, who's next? Okay. Up next, we've got a five-star titled Reading the Right to Filth.

These two ladies might be complaining about Republicans daily, but they do it with class, substance and integrity. I try to be nice to everyone, but I appreciate hearing my inner thoughts spoken out loud. Did she say substance and integrity? Kylie put that back in class. Wait, wait, but they do it with class, substance and integrity. Now I just want to put that, you know, like the manicure emoji. Yeah.

Next to me on the stream. I mean, that's I mean, I don't think we're worthy of that, but I don't think we're worthy of the class. I mean, I do think the class and integrity are probably an overreach. The middle one. What was that substance? I think the substance. I think we are substantive listener. This may come as a total shock to you, but pumps and I have not always been this pulled together and rock solid.

In fact, we used to be rather screwed up when you say pumps. I would say damn near psychotic. Totally. And we have written a cell phone expose. One could even say it's a manifesto. And the book title is

Life is a lazy Susan of shit sandwiches. In all sincerity, we share a lot of our struggles that led us to this grand stage where we can talk about petty grievances. You can click the link below in the show notes to pre-order your copy now.

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We'll be right back.

And now we have some news articles that I found interesting. Kylie, pop up the first one.

Okay, this is crazy. This is nuts. Okay, schools remove analog clocks as teenagers can't tell time. Some UK schools are replacing analog clocks in exam halls because students struggle to tell time. Teachers say digital clocks reduce stress, but critics argue it's a sign of declining basic skills.

Are traditional clocks becoming extinct? Okay, so Pumps, what's your take on this? Do you think this is a good thing or a bad thing? Okay, here's the deal. I have noticed my kids cannot tell time on an analog clock and I find it to be

absolutely the downfall of humanity that people can't tell time on a real clock. Like just learn it. You need to know. I mean, I just, I understand everything's digital, but how are you going to know what time it is if you're looking at Big Ben? How are you going to know what time it is if there's batteries died or electricity? I mean, I just, it's so basic. I mean, they don't teach them cursive now. I just, I just think educational skills are, we're just losing it.

I don't like the surrender. I just feel like this is a total surrender and I'm especially disappointed that this is the UK. I mean, if this is Mississippi or our state of Oklahoma, I get it. I mean, the standards, the bar, depressingly low.

But the UK, I mean, I just I don't like the surrender and you brought up Big Ben. I mean, that's all the more reason to tell you like we have one of the most iconic landmarks in the world. And it's a clock. And you little shits, you little plots, as they would say over there, need to learn how to tell time. I do not like this British surrender one bit. I don't like the surrender. It would not take very much time.

to teach them how to tell time. I don't like the surrender of it. No, I don't either. Some things are cool. Like a clock is, it's a cool thing. And it's not that hard to know. It's not rocket science. No, it's not. It's not hard. I mean, it's the whole thing. It's just, we're too dependent on all of this, like digital and social media and internet and all that. It's just learn the basics. Then you can go from there. Okay, Kylie, what's the next one?

Okay, almost 50% of men aged 18 to 25 have never asked a woman out in person. This trend is attributed to increased risk aversion among younger men with many fearing rejection or social consequences.

While 74% of women aged 25 and below expressed a desire to be approached more often. And I think that this risk aversion is a direct consequence of social media because I've noticed in our kids' generation, the risk aversion is

Wow, because they know that one thing that they do could be echoed very quickly to their entire social network immediately. And so they have become more introverted and far more risk averse. And I think this is such a shame because as embarrassing as some of the shit that happens to you when you're younger, those embarrassing moments, huge mistakes you make,

really make you a much better adult. I completely agree. And I think, you know, here's the thing.

Part of life is rejection. Part of life is falling on your face. You have to learn from that. And so if you never, and you have to socially interact, you have to, you know, learn how to read people, learn how to interact with people, even people you don't like. That's just part of the human experience. But now that everybody's so isolated and community and connection, that's what we all need. And I just, on just a real tacky note,

I just want to ask you, so you're telling me these alpha men, these raw, raw, we have balls on the back of our truck men are too scared to ask women out. Is that what the study is saying?

Well, I think you're connecting some things that might not necessarily need to be connected here. I think they're talking about Gen Z, 18 to 25. And while a portion of that group would probably try to do all that alpha stuff, I think a lot of these kids are the—

overarching thing in their childhood is they were raised by cell phones. Right. And this is a far more consequential generational communicative breakdown that this generation is going to suffer from. And I think a lot of this alpha male stuff really is at worst with our generation. I agree. Gen Xers. I think Gen Xers are the worst at that stuff. I mean, Gen Z, they did not majority vote for Trump. And so,

And I think that their generation does seem to have more empathy. They do seem to have less care about people's sexuality or gender. And they don't care about a lot of the petty things that our generation cares about. But it's heartbreaking for me that

the risk aversion because getting the guts to go do something and then doing it is just a part of the human experience. And you have to sometimes you get what you want when you get the guts up to do it. Most of the time you don't get the desired result. And so it just really makes me sad. Yeah, I just want to blame everything on Trump, whether it's related or not. I know I get that. I get that. If this was a study of Gen Xers, I would be

all chips in on that, but being a parent of two Gen Z boys and seeing all the kids, I see this risk aversion, but I also see that Gen Z kids have far more empathy and social conscience than our generation does. Hands down, it's not even close.

Yeah, I mean, social media, there's a lot of really, really good things about it, like understanding, being able to see other people's grief and empathize. But I mean, this thing is real, the isolation, the risk aversion. I mean, these are things they're going to have to figure out. It's a shame.

All right. Today we have gone to our Patreon, our cult, our online cult, where there are a lot of gaytriots, patriots, and they- theytriots and ask them what they've had it with. And Kylie's going to start popping these up and I'm going to read them to you all from our community, our asshole island community. Kylie, who's the first one?

All right, Chrissy S. Chrissy S. says, "I've had it with women who, 2.5 seconds after saying 'I do,' change their last name on all social media accounts to their married last name. It's like built into their wedding itinerary. 5:00 PM ceremony, 5:45 update Instagram name, 6:00 PM cocktail hour." If you want to change your last name after you get married, by all means.

But I think we should leave at least three to five business days because shouldn't you, I don't know, enjoy your special day with your spouse and loved ones, take a few days to bask in the newlywed glow instead of worrying about your personal brand. These are the women who make getting engaged and getting married their entire personality and have no other goals in life. And they probably gave each of their 14 bridesmaids a Stanley Cup for the bridal party gift.

I've had it. This is a great point. And I've seen this. I've seen it too. And I'm shocked. I mean, I'm always surprised. I also, I hate it for women. I think there's a pathetic nature to it. Like I just, it's like,

Chrissy says it becomes their whole identity, everything about them. And I totally agree with this. It's like it's coordinated into the itinerary. And when everything in your life is that orchestrated around your social media followers, I just think that's really weird. Well, I think it absolutely is. But every time I see that, I'm like, that's so fast. And I did not change my last name until I was pregnant with Luke.

It is the worst decision I've ever made. So, I mean, that's an overstatement. There's a lot of worse decisions. But just a hassle, going to the Department of Voter Vehicles, get a new passport, all that, that's daunting. So I'm just going to say, if you're considering not changing it, I would lean towards not because it's a huge hassle to get it back.

That's just my PSA. I think that the people she's referring to, it was, it's a part, it's baked in. Like, I know, but I just, and it goes so fast. Like I'll go to a wedding and then I'll get like an alert from the bride or the groom and it's already done. Like I'm just barely home from the wedding. Okay. Next one.

All right. A day says I've had it with parents who constantly lose their children in public places. I don't give a fuck if parents put a leash on the kid or stuff them in the grocery cart, but I'm sick of hearing Linda screaming for their precious Braden K and McKenzie.

But Kenley, then the whole store has to shut down and all the employees have to look for your titty baby. Knowing goddamn well the kid is probably hiding in the middle of the clothes rack because they hate the mom too. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to get someone to open the case so I can get the shampoo and listen to my asshole island podcast in peace. I've had it.

Love that. That's a great one. It's true. I mean, I think that people need to, you've got to keep an eye on these kids in public. And I'm going to tell you, my mother lost me

all the time it was traumatizing so we would be at a grocery store and I'd be like I want to go look at the lipstick colors I'm like four or five I am not very old and this is what happens when you're a kid of the 80s you're completely feral I mean you just yeah nobody's hovering over you so my mom would be like okay so a lot of time would pass by and then I would meander through the grocery store looking for my mom and I couldn't find her

So then I go to the counter and I'd be like, I can't find my mom. And I'd hear them pager. And her name was Linda. And I'd be like, Linda, please come to the manager's desk, et cetera, et cetera. She didn't show up. She'd get all the way home, start unloading the groceries and then be like, oh shit, I forgot Jennifer.

And then they would drive back and I have an older brother and sister and those assholes, they would like make fun of me for it. But I was the youngest of three. And so by that time, my mother was just like, meh. And then they would leave all the time, the house. And I remember we lived in Texas at the time. And I remember that,

the dining room had these like sheer curtains and I would see my mom, my brother and my sister and they're eight and nine years older than me. I would see them pull off down the driveway and I'd be standing in these sheer curtains going, "Don't leave me!

And they'd be gone like 30 minutes and then they'd come back and my mom would be like, oh, Jennifer, honey, I'm so sorry. I forgot you. And my brother would be like, how does it feel to be forgotten all the time? Yeah. That's so great. That's such a good, I've had it because it's true. And the names that are coming out that they're screaming, although I do have to wrap myself out. I took Emily to the grocery store.

at college and I couldn't find her and I couldn't find her and she wasn't answering her phone. And so I thought she was over like in the pharmacy area. And I just walked over there and I screamed her name, full name, so loud. So I was that person with an adult child. So I'm, I'm part of the problem. Okay. All right. Next one.

Jacob, I've had it with every fucking company making donations to Republicans. I mean, it makes sense considering billionaires get tax cuts, but where the fuck am I supposed to shop anymore?

And Jacob, I have to say, you know, we have advertisers on our podcast. And we recently canceled an ad campaign because the owner of this company during the inauguration posted on her story a picture of Melania Trump. And that's just unacceptable to pups in me. And so it was money that this person committed this company had committed to pay to our podcast for us to read ads.

And we're just, we're not doing it. We're not doing it because there's too many marginalized people that are living in fear and have noticed an increase in the bullying and the racism and the homophobia. And we're just not going to take their money. Yeah, it really is dicey on going into play. It used to be pretty obvious, like Home Depot, can't go into Chick-fil-A, bad, hate chicken.

Now, it's just, you know, like I'm really trying to mentally prepare myself to stop using Amazon. Like I'm working through it right now. Like it's so convenient if I lived without it, but I'm so disgusted by the whole thing that no, you have to be conscious of it. But I will say I heard some positive news about Costco. Costco has refused to roll back their DEI, didn't contribute to the inauguration process.

or whatever it's called. And somebody asked like, have you lost as many members if you've gained? And they said, oh no, we've gained a ton of members. So I do think people are socially conscious about it. And that's a good thing. - And I just wanna say this. I think that these companies who rushed to him very quickly, it was a very short-sighted impulsive decision. 'Cause if you look historically, the people who try to decrease rights

books, consolidate power

integrate business and government, it doesn't ever end very well for them. And so Pumps and I have made decisions about advertisers moving forward because we're playing the long game and we try to be decent fucking people. And we really like this other company. I mean, I really like their products. I like the people that we worked with there. But if the executive of that company is going to traffic in Trumpism and traffic in

promoting Melania Trump, when women in our state are denied health care, Pumps and I went to an abortion reproductive rights forum. And there was a woman on stage that found out she was pregnant, happy about it. Her husband was super happy about it, started bleeding. They do an ultrasound. Her fetus has no brain. And in a normal state where it's not run by Christian nationalists,

this woman would have immediately been able to receive a DNC because this fetus was not going to make it as soon as it was born. It doesn't matter where in the term it was and her health was bad. She had to travel to other states

to have this care. These other states are flooded because in abortion ban America, people are not able to access this. And, you know, she said, thank God she had the money. And so all of these laws and promoting these fascists, you're it's, it's so divorced from humanity. And I just want zero fucking part of it, period. I think it's gross. I think it's disgusting. While this

person flies on a private plane and has lives in a blue state and has nobody interfering with one fucking thing that they do, period. And you would support an administration that wants to demean, take away rights, decrease rights, bully people.

Try to minimize people of color that are wildly successful and wildly smart who have reached a position of success. You want to demean their position. I think it's gross. And if people start sharing Trump shit, I'm just fucking done with that. I'm not doing it. Completely agree. Okay. The next one.

Tiara says, "I've had it with the fitness influencer era. Just because you lost 10 pounds doesn't suddenly make you a personal trainer or dietitian. So f*cking over it had it." Pumps? It's so true.

it is so true nobody wants to hear about it nobody wants to hear about you know how many portions you eat or how many grams of fat or whatever it's just like just because you lose weight doesn't make you an expert on health losing weight it didn't make you a life coach especially my case when i just got the jab so i mean i really have no insight to offer but i just

I just think people that sit around and tell you how great their diet's going, it's a matter of time before they fall off the wagon and you see them at like a fast food restaurant with 48 French fries shoved in their mouths. I think it's just a matter of time. Well, I thought we had a friend and she lost a lot of weight. Good for her. I'm the biggest supporter of all of that. And then all of a sudden is a fitness coach online.

life coach slash fitness coach. And I'm just like, what is the qualification of this? And to this grievance, I've had it with people filming themselves at gyms. It's just, I just, the whole, can't anything be like you just go to the gym and it doesn't have to be Instagram.

No, apparently not. Because I see that all the time, like people recording themselves. And it's just like, I always think to myself, who do you think is going to watch this? Who do you think cares enough to watch this? Have you seen the people that put like their, their map of their run or their bike ride? Like, you know, I did 20 miles this morning on my bike. And then they show you the path they went on, like on Google maps. I'm just like,

Dude, this is the most boring content I've ever heard of. Why do you think people care? It's just unbelievable. This time of year is very difficult for the animals. It's so cold outside and every cat becomes an indoor cat.

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Austin M says, I've had it with stupid fucking questions. Why is my coworker asking me what's for lunch when they can clearly see I picked up food from Chipotle? I'm holding the bag and cup that displays their very, their logo very clearly. Shut the fuck up. Alana said comments and she says this.

And these boomers at work who won't even attempt to Google something before they walk their dumb asses over to my desk and ask about it. Use your resources, people. And I think everybody that is a listener of this podcast and a member of asshole island knows about my longstanding grievance with the phrase. There is no such thing as a stupid question because

I would even go on the permanent record to state that if we were to consider questions as a pie, I would say 85% of the questions are stupid questions and 15% of the questions on that pie are actual questions. That's my opinion and I'll let the research catch up because it always does.

with this, but I think stupid questions have attacked legitimate questions. And now when anybody asks me a question, I'm annoyed across the board.

Don't you think there was a point when people started saying, oh, there are no stupid questions. And I think that encouraged people to ask stupid questions. Yes. People started using it to get attention, like in lectures and college and stuff. Like there was a campaign at some point where they started saying there are no stupid questions. And it's like,

That was a lie. There are a lot of stupid questions. I wouldn't say 15%, I mean 85%, but I would say well over 50% are stupid.

I'm going to stand by my 85%, but I further agree with you that saying there is no such thing as a stupid question enables stupid questioners to feel normalized. Right. And they don't feel any shame about asking stupid questions like what's for lunch when you have the Chipotle, you know, it's...

I am at the end of my rope with the stupid questions. It's just sometimes when Josh asked me really stupid questions, I just exhale very audibly. I'm just like,

That's my response to it because I can't answer it. It exhausts me when he asks me stupid questions because I can't handle it. And he thinks it's just a real knee slapper. He loves it. Only problem with that is then he finds that funny and he continues to ask it. Okay. Next one. Ainsley says, also have had it with baby shower games. The worst one is the belly measurement game.

What the fuck do you mean I should let a bunch of people guess how fat I have gotten in pregnancy? Am I supposed to smile and laugh while y'all make me seem like I'm the circumference of the Apollo 13 rocket? Okay. I just have to tell there's no fucking way. I, when I was pregnant, I've been pregnant twice that I would ever play some baby circumference

game. I mean, and what they measure the belly at the shower. Apparently, that's the first time hearing of that. That must be new. We don't. Okay, let me tell you this story. So with my first child, I was still working, there was a court reporter that was really tall and thin, and I'm only like five, six, and she was probably Jennifer's height, like 510 511. And she had the tiniest baby bump, like you could almost not even tell she was pregnant. And when I was about

five, six months pregnant, people started asking me like, God, what do you do? Oh my gosh, you're so big. I mean, I got huge. I mean, huge. She had her baby two days before me. And it was, her baby was like, I think she was like eight pounds, seven and a half pounds. So I give birth and Sam was only six pounds and 14 ounces.

And I told people to lie. I was like, I do not want people at the courthouse to know that my baby was a full pound and a half smaller than her baby because you couldn't even tell she was pregnant. It was humiliating. Wait, wait, wait. You've lied about...

Sam's birth weight yet like to the people at the court as I told like a couple of friends like friends that I was super close with but I told him I said you lie you do not what was what was the light what did you say like 10 pounds 9 pounds. Well now I think her baby was like right around like 7 and a half 8 pounds so I was like 9 pounds.

I'm gonna just make eight and a half pounds because I was so embarrassed. I was like, how do I look bigger than the side of a barn? And she can't even tell she's pregnant. And it was, I remember being so like when they told me how much she weighed and her baby was like two days before her baby weight popped in my head. And I thought, are you fucking kidding me right now? Like that can not be right. Was she a lawyer? Court reporter. Oh, court reporter. Yeah.

Yeah. Was this when that our, our main listeners won't know, but our Patreon listeners know, uh, Pam used to go to this judge's office at the courthouse, smoke cigarettes in there. And the clerk of this judge had a pet raccoon up at the Oklahoma County courthouse. Yeah. So we'd smoke cigarettes. There was pet raccoon. It's kind of exactly what you think. And you're running around lying about your baby's birth weight. Yeah, I sure was. I love that. Okay. Next up.

Shane says, "Videos from other countries like Japan that say, 'Japan is living in 2050.'" No, everything isn't. Every country is living in 2025. Their technology or living conditions might have vastly improved quality over the US experience, but that's not time travel. It's an overused and ridiculous expression. Shane, I think this is excellent.

I've not seen this, but I thank you for bringing it to my attention because I'm always looking for shit to be pissed off about. This is right in my wheelhouse. Yeah, no, that's the first thing I thought of is like, that is a great habit. It's a great grievance. But I hadn't heard of it. I didn't know they were doing that. Cut me some slack. And guess what else? Everything that happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas. Your wife always finds out. I'm just saying. It's true. It's true. Okay. Next up, Logan.

Stupid ass fucking air fryers. And that was all caps lock. They take a long time to cook shit. It's been known that they cause cancer and they can catch on fire. I love my mom. I love my mom and all, but every time she wants to put four chicken legs in that fucking air fryer for 45 minutes for them to come out still raw. And it takes everything in me not to be like, fuck you and your fucking air fryer.

I'm a new member of the cult and I want to tell you ladies, I love you and y'all are the only thing keeping me sane right now during Trump's America. Logan, first of all, I'd like to say welcome. Welcome. Second of all, I want to say, first of all, I don't cook that much, but I've heard a lot of people, you got to get an air fryer. It's easy. Just throw something in it.

And I thought about it. I think I even pulled one up on Amazon at one point, but I resisted. I've never used an air fryer and reading your grievance makes me realize I will never fucking use an air fryer because there was a whole like two year period there where all anybody spoke about were air fryers. Oh, you got to get an air fryer. Oh, I'm going to put this in the air fryer. Oh, we air fried it. Like what's going on with all these air fryers?

And so I'm glad to know that, that I suspected something was probably suspect with these things. And I'm glad to know that it's cranking out salmonella induced chicken legs. And so I want no part of the air fryer pumps. Do you have an air fryer? Okay. Logan, you love your air fryer. I love my air fryer, but here's the thing. What I do is I take like my leftovers, like a hamburger and French fries that's left over and I put it in the air fryer, perk it right up.

And then eat it the next time I want to eat that. I've never cooked anything raw. I mean, nothing I've ever, no, that's not true. I've made bacon in the air fryer, but that's it. Other than that, it's strictly heat up like pizza bites or something like that. Like I didn't know people put like raw meat in an air fryer. That's interesting. I just love that you just want to tell your, fuck you and fuck your air fryer. Cause I just feel like that's something my kids can completely identify with. Not necessarily just about the air fryer.

Okay, next one. Amber says strangers that talk to me like I've known them for 10 years. Like please, this is the damn Dollar Tree. Let me get my snacks and leave. I don't want to hear about how your husband left you and your kids are estranged. There's probably a reason for that Linda. This is where listener pumps will agree with that statement and do it. But she's the person in the Dollar Tree.

Sometimes I'm out in public with her and some of the stuff that comes up, I'm like, we're about to land the plane. We're about to walk off. And then she just keeps, oh yeah, you know, my husband just did it. My ex-husband, blah, blah, blah. And she throws some juicy nugget out there. I'll tell you what, recently we ran into this gal in the parking lot and Pumps immediately starts asking her about her child support case.

And I'm so far and I want to bang my head on the windshield. I want to my head to crack the windshield glass. I want to start banging it. And I want that, you know, the black, the glass, I want all the little squares to fall on me and I then turn the windshield wipers on and just let the windshield wiper whack me in the face back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I'm a hostage. She's the driver. She rolls down the window. She's like, Hey, come here, come here, come here.

I can't help it because I'm really nosy, but let's talk about your child support case. I've been all over the court dockets and I am just like, oh my God. And then it just keeps going and it just keeps going and I'm like, okay, well,

always great to see you. And I'm trying and she will not, she is just sitting there with a can of goddamn tuna fish, just feeding, feeding, feeding. And it's just, I literally wanted the car to abuse me so I could get out of the situation. I've never loved anything more than your description of the glass breaking and the windshield wipers going back and forth. That was good. It would have been more enjoyable than, than watching you invade that poor girl's

privacy and the awkward cringe, everything that came out of it. And I'm just sitting there, I'm a hostage. And I look like I am a willing participant in this because I'm sitting in your car, I have your seat belt belted on me and we look like a duo. And then you just sabotage the entire thing. I didn't see, I'd have me bring it up to you because this happens all the time. Yeah. No, I just want you to know when I was reading this, I was like, that's something that I do. I'm aware. I'm

aware that I do it. I just, I just, you can't help it. That's why I haven't even brought up this whole fantasy that I had. You have fantasies about homicide,

of your ex-husband, I have fantasies that when you start doing this, that I get injured and hospitalized. Like that somebody calls 911 and an ambulance comes and get me and then I can just spin my head while they're wheeling me onto the ambulance and go, you finally did it. Are you happy now? Are you ever going to stop feeding cats? Like I want to be a martyr. I want to be a victim of this.

All right, I think we should do one last one. What do you think, Pumps? I do. These are fun. All right. Jace says, "I've had it with friends wanting to hang out with me. I just want you to know that I like you and know that you like me without needing to hang out. Look, I have a couch to sit on, a book I want to read, a partner I want to be with, a family I want to see often, and there's just no time to go 'get coffee.'

I want you to see me, but have no expectation for me to actually hang out with you. So eloquently put. I mean, this is just... That's perfect. He came in my brain and he just wrote it out. I value you. I like you. I want the absolute best for you. And I don't even have people I want to hang out with. I just want to be with my dog. Here's what I like about this. It's like we can be friends.

in words, but all of the activities that go under the umbrella of friends, I'm out on. Hanging out, getting coffee, texting, having a phone conversation. We can just say we're friends and then that's it. We just leave it right there. And I think that what he wrote was

one of the most important sentences I've read in Trump's America. Yeah, he, I mean, it was just beautifully laid out. It was perfect. Perfect in every way. I completely love it. Okay, Pops, tell the listener about all of the things that we have. We have so many new things going on. We have our Patreon cult. We have a book coming out in May. We have Substack. We have IHIP News.

We have me. We do. Best of all things. Yeah. Jennifer. He's not very nice to me. Do we have any else? Oh, we have Substack. Oh yeah. He already said that. Okay. I think now you should just tell them. We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday. Bye guys.

Listen up patriots, gay-triots and nay-triots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20 minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcasts and YouTube.

Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind. Pumps. Pumps. What does an eagle say? Caw-caw. A little bit more enthusiasm. Caw-caw. That's it. That's, that's. Caw-caw. That's the patriotism that this country needs right there.