Jailbird Lovebirds
56:21 Share

Sometimes you have to break from tradition to make something better, or in this case, a smoother spirit. Martel Blue Swift is made of French cognac, but because it's finished in bourbon barrels from America, they're not allowed to call it cognac. The shockingly smooth taste is rich and aromatic with distinctive hints of toasted oak from the bourbon casks, making it perfect for cocktails. Martel Blue Swift. Defy expectations. Enjoy our quality responsibly.

Hey, DC, did you know it's illegal to toss household batteries in the trash? That's right. Batteries must be recycled. The good news? Call to Recycle makes it easy. As DC's official battery recycling program, we've got drop-off locations all across the city. Find one near you at calltorecycle.org slash locator. That's calltorecycle.org slash locator. Let's keep DC clean and green.

So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, Gatriots, Vatriots. Josh Welch is here. Josh, can you... Hello, hello, hello. Can you... What am I supposed to do? I don't know. Can I what? You need arms. You got to kick up. I know. Kick up. Kick up. I love it. Am I supposed to be like a puppet here on the show? Absolutely. It's our bird. We're trying to be somewhat like... Oh, that's right. We're trying not to like...

pre-surrender to fascism. Okay. We have a bird. It used to be the eagle, but now it's some other bird. I'll be more performative. Okay. My apologies. Thank you. All right. Let's start with pumps. Pumps, what have you had it with? What I've had it with is when people cut in line at a double drive-thru. You're supposed to alternate. Order go up, alternate the next person from the next line goes up. Last two times I've been in a line, it's

The person that it's not their turn slams in front of me behind the car. It screws up everybody's order. I can't stand it. I'm like, how much time are you saving? Maybe a minute. And you're just showing you're a fucking dick. And I'm impatient and I can't stand it. I hate it. I've had it. Obey the customs and rules of a double drive. Does it screw up the food that they bring out because someone else is cut in line? Yeah.

And it disrupts the whole process. It disrupts everything. The person brings your order and then they have to go back because they have the wrong order because you have some asshole that thought they had to be first. I've seen it. But I think you could apply that situation in all of life. The pettiness of human beings wanting to say five seconds, 10 seconds. That's true. And a lot of times that's me. So I can't get too big on my horse. In a drive-thru, I observe the customs and norms.

Everywhere else, probably not. Listener, the grievances when I dine with either of the people seated next to me, whether it be a drive-through, a walk-up order, a restaurant, the standard that

the person on the right and the person on my left hold these restaurants to is the highest of standards. I would say it's more just competence, just a bare competence. And I would also say that like a month ago, there was some deal on social media that said, if you could win a million dollars, if you took somebody to a restaurant that would complain about something in the restaurant,

who would it be? And I immediately forwarded it to Josh. And I was like, we found each other. This is us. A hundred percent. Yeah. And I want to disclaim up front that, that I'm an awful human being to serve at a restaurant. Awful. Just horrific.

I noticed that you, when we go to a restaurant, Josh is so used to bucking the system. It's like his default setting. So he looks at an item on the menu and let's say it says cheeseburger. And then the description says bun, meat, cheese. Josh kind of looks at it because he's ready. He's gunning to exclude things. He's gunning to buck the system. He's like, so you're telling me

that it's just meat and cheese and bread. That's it. And the person's like, yeah, that's what the menu says. He goes, you're not putting pickles on there. And they're like, no. And I'm like, accept it. You don't have to be a dick today. Accept it. Take it as a W. I start to salivate when I see things I can exclude. Literally, my mouth starts watering. I get to ask the person about what's on this. And then my favorite go-to, we haven't gotten to my, I've had it

I had a chip and I don't want to steal your show, but my favorite go-to at a restaurant is to say, I want you to prepare this as if you're making it for a fifth grader. Yeah.

And you say that across the board, whether it's a Coca-Cola, whether it's a sandwich, ham and cheese, whether it's a cheeseburger, pretend like you're in fifth grade. What would that person want on the sandwich? They would want the meat. They would want the cheese, maybe mustard, maybe not. I'm very simple. I don't want some special dressing that we don't know of that your brand makes. That's kind of an unknown. We don't want to risk that. I don't want pickles that may be

Not traditional dill pickles. They're going to be bigger and different. So anyway, I love to dissect that shit. And it's always someone who's about 18 years old, making minimum wage, thinking to themselves, God, why am I dealing with this fucking asshole? He is such a dick. Yeah. I will give you just a little prop up in that there are some restaurants that say what's on the burger is

In the description, they say meat, cheese, bread, or whatever. But at the top, when you're talking about all their different burgers, they'll say all burgers come with lettuce and tomato. But it's not in the immediate description. So I'm going to say Josh.

I don't mind that because you're just confirming. You're making it. You're trying to enhance the ability of the restaurant to succeed. That's right. And I think they're going to slip one over on me, too. Even though, like Jennifer said, it may just say meat, cheese. I don't know that I trust that. A lot of these restaurants have these special sauces they like to put on their own cheeseburgers. So I'm a little bit untrusting of that.

Of getting it as they advertise it. And he often now, a new thing that he started doing is after he verbally waterboards this poor aforementioned teen making minimum wage, then he looks at them with this sociopathic smile and says, thank you for your service. Yeah. He said. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like the other day I was getting something and the girl said, here, would you take a survey? And I said, absolutely not. But you're doing a fantastic job. I wanted to pepper the, fuck, no, I'm not doing that with a little bit of a, but you're doing great. You should be proud of the job you're doing. But let's talk about this. You went and you bought some Bundt cakes. That's right. And-

You put the poor girl through all of the questioning and all of the things for these pre-made cakes. It's not like you're ordering it, then they're baking it. They're all made. And you probably had peppered her with all sorts of questions. Torture. Torture. And then at the end, does she hand you a receipt? She hands me a receipt, invites me to take a survey. And if I take the survey, I can get some sort of a discount.

And then I'll be on their list of shit that they send out about their Bundt cakes. I mean, there's about three things I could identify in that that I want no part of. I think it's obvious. Like I want less interaction about the Bundt cakes. If you're going to rate the Bundt cakes on a scale of one to 10, they're tens. They're the best that you can get. What about the service? Service is a 10.

The service is great. The staff is great. The ladies that work there are fantastic human beings. I don't want to text about a Bundt cake. I don't want to take a survey about a Bundt cake. I don't want to get communications about sales that are going on where I can save 10% on the Bundt cake. I want none of that. Like if I'm in the middle of court or in the middle of a client's crisis, I don't want to look down and get information about how I can save 80 cents on a fucking Bundt cake. Well,

Let me ask you this. Do you want the receipt? None of it. I don't want any verification that I've ever been there other than I want to eat it. That's it. That's it. That's it. Less communication. Let me tell you what I've had it with. And this is a seasonal thing that comes up with Josh and me.

And it all goes back to the cinnamon roll, cinnamon roll gate that longtime listeners know about. That was bad. Last Christmas when Josh stole the center of my cinnamon roll. Well, this Thanksgiving, Josh said, hey, I bought some cinnamon rolls and they're in the refrigerator. And I said, okay, I'll bake them because everybody knows how domestic I am.

And so as I'm, you know, baking them and I accidentally burned the first round, I think it was an oven malfunction, but that's neither here nor there. But for the second round, I had the original frosting from the burnt cinnamon rolls. So when the second round came out, I was able to put two little cups of frosting on one container of cinnamon rolls.

So I have had it with Pillsbury.

being stingy with the icing for the cinnamon rolls. They need to offer, when you sell cinnamon rolls, you can get the normal amount for normal people that live their life in moderation. And then you need the double the frosting for the sugar fiend junkie Americans. More is more, more icing like the three of us here. And so I've had it with Pillsbury being stingy

with the icing. And if anybody from Pillsbury listens to this podcast,

When the sales quadruple once you announce the double icing thing, don't forget your friends over at I've Had It. That's genius to have an option of double icing. Double icing. Yeah, it's genius. And I even thought after you prepared that great Thanksgiving traditional meal breakfast, I even thought, you know, I may start buying just –

two things of cinnamon rolls and just throwing one away just to have the extra icing. Yeah.

That's how much I enjoyed it. That's how much of a need there is. Right. I agree. Yeah. It's just that I'm not going to cook these extra five. I don't want them. I want double the icing for these five. Right. Yeah. I'm 100% sold on that. It'll make that center bite that you still for me in the future that much more delicious. I was going to say, you didn't do that justice in the way that you teed that up. That center bite of yours, it was like a masterpiece that you had orchestrated with all the icing, carving it out from the sides and putting it in the middle. Yeah.

putting it on top of the cinnamon roll and then getting ready to take it. Are you trying to pick a fight with me? Yeah. When I'm reminded of my ability to delay gratification, to eat the outsides first and wait and save the best bite for last. And that you moved in when I was looking at our children being a mother, I mean, mothering, I was mothering our children. The center of my cinnamon roll was sociopathically eaten by,

The temptation. I just could not. Normally, in a setting like that, I can exert some sort of discipline. No, you can't. That is a lie. I've never done that before. Bullshit. Bullshit. You always superior bite shop. You superior bite shop my plate and you've been doing it for decades. You are lying right here on this podcast saying that you had never done that before. You are the biggest...

bite thief I've ever been around. That's true. And it just reminded me of the ravioli bite in Italy. Oh my God. That you could probably spend 15 or 20 minutes on. Oh my God. It's like just a classic story that I'll tee up for you since I'm going to get browbeat. The

This morning, I really want to have it done properly. Okay. This was terrible. This was worse than the cinnamon roll list. A million times. Okay. So we go to, we're in Capri for my birthday celebration. Pumps is there. A bunch of our other friends are there. And we go to one of my favorite restaurants and they have the most delicious ravioli caprese. It is unbelievable. These little raviolis are like little pillows sitting on top of the most delicious marinara.

And so the staff comes out to sing happy birthday to myself and my friend Liz, who was also celebrating her birthday. The staff come out and they're playing Dancing Queen. And they have tambourines that they pass out to everybody. Me being a dancing queen, obviously grabbed a tambourine and stood up and we're dancing and we're going through the whole thing. Now, I had eaten probably, I think there's maybe six raviolis on the plate.

I'd probably eaten four and I had decided I was going to save my final two raviolis for after my Dancing Queen celebration with the other patrons and the staff at La Campanina restaurant on the island of Capri. While I'm dancing and hanging out, I end up sitting back down and I have my tambourine. Josh reaches over and grabs...

A ravioli off my plate, unauthorized. Didn't ask me if he could have it. This fork that I had goes flying on my cream outfit. I had on the most darling silk boucle Gucci shorts that were so cute. And the marinara goes all over them. And I am...

So distraught. And I'm just like, why am I married to this person? Why? Why is this always happening to me? The cinnamon roll. And now the marinara. The marinara was a million times worse because you had just gotten these Gucci shorts and your outfit was impeccable. It was. And then I reach over again, just.

Undisciplined, selfish, impulsive, narcissistic. Everything's about me. I reach over. It wasn't just taking the bite. Just taking the bite would have been a gift. It was the fact that I splashed her with marinara sauce on these new white shorts. And let me just say this. We've survived five inpatient treatment visits. I'm not sure...

After this happened that we were going to survive this. This might have been the straw. The marinara on the shorts, all because I took an unauthorized bite.

Of the ravioli. I'm not sure. You just go in like an uncaged animal. You just go in and you just take it with reckless disregard, just like you did the cinnamon roll. And then we get back to the hotel room and he does feel terrible because one thing Josh values are his outfits. Right. Okay. So he actually had more empathy with me regarding the shorts than he ever did the cinnamon roll. And so he's like, oh my God, I'm sorry. That sucks. Blah, blah. So I send the shorts.

to be dry cleaned. They come back and they've shrunken. And I'm just, I'm just, I still, it's been several months, but I still think about that. And I just think what happened to my life? Well, that even under my standards, that was really bad. Like it was really bad because there was the tambourine, there was the celebration of this

birthday party for you, for Liz, the music. And then I literally reach over like this, splash the fork. And just as it happened, it douses her. And then she looks at me and I'm just like, oh, fuck. Yeah. You know, this is going to be a bad one. This is going to be a bad one. Sure enough, it was every bit as bad as I thought it would be. It was horrible.

Listener, this may come as a total shock to you, but Pumps and I have not always been this pulled together and rock solid. In fact, we used to be rather screwed up when you say Pumps. I would say damn near psychotic. Totally. And we have written a cell phone expose. One could even say it's a manifesto. And the book title is...

Life is a lazy Susan of shit sandwiches. In all sincerity, we share a lot of our struggles that led us to this grand stage where we can talk about petty grievances. You can click the link below in the show notes to pre-order your copy now.

Listener, Pumps and I are so excited to share with you about our favorite gift that we found. We're both giving it to our parents. I'm giving it to aunts and uncles, and it is called the Aura Frame. It is a digital picture frame. Pumps, tell them.

What's so great about Aura is you can memorialize the entire year in one spot and you can upload the pictures before you give the gift directly from your phone. Listener, Aura is named the number one digital photo frame by Wirecutter. Aura frames are incredibly smart and easy to use, allowing you to upload unlimited photos and videos directly from your phone to the frame. Plus, you can order the frame online and preload it with photos and videos using the Aura app.

So it's easy to go right out of the box. Save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off Aura's best-selling Carver map frames by using our promo code HADIT at checkout. That's A-U-R-A, frames, dot com, promo code HADIT. This deal is exclusive to our listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply.

Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She is America's greatest legal mind possibly, but we have, as you've heard, Josh Welch in studio with us today. Josh, what have you had it with? I've had it with premature tipping at restaurants. When I say premature, there are some restaurants that ask for the tip on the iPad before they provide the service.

is everybody familiar with that oh yeah oh yeah so you get into this quagmire i always like to give at least 20 percent um sometimes maybe more sometimes maybe a little less but 20 is my standard if i give above that and then for example my order gets up or i'm there for 30 minutes when it should have taken 10

There's no way for me to rescind the tip. There's no way for me to go back in and review it and say, hey, listen, I gave you guys 25% on this thing and this has been a colossal fucking nightmare. I think that's unfair. There should be some way for me to go back in

and ask for part of that tip back, or we just do it all at the very end when they provide the food and you get to walk out the door, because we're talking about takeout. I'm not talking about a tip for serving me at the restaurant. I'm talking about I go in, I like to give them a tip. I like to pick the food up. I like to leave. Well, then I do that. And then I end up sitting there sometimes 15, 20 minutes, and I'm just thinking, I'm

God, what kind of world do we live in? You're getting an excellent tip for fucking horrible service. Yeah, it's a huge skirt of the system because the system is designed to applaud or say, good job with your tip. Once you've performed the service. Right. But you got to know how the service is performed before you can make that determination. Yeah. And I'm with you. I always like to give 20, 25% just because I'm like-

It's not the restaurant's fault. They don't pay. I mean, it's not the employee's fault. They don't pay the restaurant workers enough. You have to tip them. But no, it's a skirt. It's a skirt. Same thing happens with DoorDash or Uber Eats. You fill out your form online and then you check out and you go ahead and pre-tip and then you get your order and the stuff that you asked to be excluded or not

excluded. They're actually included. And then you might have asked for a specific side and that's not included. And then certain items are completely left off and you've already gone in 25% for this delivery guy and the delivery guy should have checked it prior to bringing it. And you have no, there's no recourse. And what this goes to is to corporate America that values profits and

It puts the burden of paying these working class people for the lowest wage, puts it on the consumer, which many, you know, the 20% tip is quite expensive. And so, I mean, you know, we've been talking about this for a long time, but I mean, it's just a huge problem. Yeah. And there's one thing I want to add that, and I fall prey to this every single time, DoorDash or Postmates, they have some

Super fast feature for an additional like two ninety nine or three ninety nine. You can get it, you know, seven to eight minutes faster. In theory, I fall prey to that goddamn thing every single time. And it takes longer than had you just normally ordered it. And every time I'm like, how do I get in the app and un-fucking-do this? Like, I don't want to pay that. I don't want to ever. And then three nights later, I'm at home door dashing.

Press the same goddamn thing again. It's insanity. I do it every time. Fall prey to it. Every time. Never works. It's the biggest fraud. Here's my thing. I didn't realize that people that were Uber eating or deliverers were getting two or three different people's order from the same restaurant and then delivering them on their way. Well, your food's automatically going to be colder and worse. Yeah. So I do the direct to you feature. Yeah.

I don't understand why it takes longer if you're taking one order to one house. It makes no sense. And you should be able to pull the tip, too. If you're going to get three people in the same neighborhood, then those same three people should be able to pull together for a tip instead of have to individually tip.

I don't have a problem tipping. I have a problem with the corporations getting away with putting the burden of paying these salaries on the end consumer. That's my problem. Oh, absolutely. Okay. Kylie, Katarina, do you have anything that you can share with us and with our guest, Josh, regarding what people say about us on the World Wide Web?

I do, and we are under 100 reviews away from our goal of 12K. It's only taken a very long time, so thank you, listeners, for finding us so well. I'm super excited about it. Okay, Christine leaves us a five-star review, and she says, Thank F for y'all. And she writes, The world needs more atheism, drag queens, lesbians, and Meemaw meat curtain law advice.

Thanks for fighting the good fight, you feisty broads. Hashtag blessed because of you. Hashtag on the way to 12K. Yay. Wow. That is an engaged listener. That is an engaged listener. And I do agree. The world needs more secularism. Okay. This one is five stars from Fabiola titled My Girlfriend Hates You. She writes, first of all, I want to thank my TikTok algorithm for bringing this podcast into my life.

One morning, my girlfriend, to which I have a long-distance relationship, calls me fuming because I forgot to call her as I promised I would. See, I have ADHD, and I usually have a hectic, hair-pulling morning trying to get my seven-year-old out the door into school. So after dropping him off, my very smart phone suggested your latest podcast. So I cranked the volume up and got all my petty grievances out and loud as I drove to my next appointment, completely forgetting to call her back.

Eight minutes into my joyous ride, my girlfriend interrupts my favorite podcast by the ceremoniously, you forgot to call me. Needless to say, she's not a fan of you guys because this has happened more times than I can remember. P.S. Pumps actually has a husky, like the four-legged kind. Ha ha ha!

All this time, I've been thinking it was her vag needing some shaving. Disappointed. It's both. It's both. Listener, it's both. She does have an actual Siberian husky named Blaze to whom she is not that great of a pet owner. I am kind of a good pet owner. No, you're not. Not like Holly. It's cold. You shave him. I don't even want to get into it. But then she also has...

a vag that we started referring to as the Siberian Husky. And all I can say down there is I think it is quite cold. Wow. Wow. Okay. We know it's neglected either way. All right. I have some news I would like to share. American Airlines flight was diverted after Oregon man, 25 years old, exposes himself and urinates

An American Airlines plane was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger allegedly exposed himself and urinated in the aisle, authorities said. The 25-year-old man was arrested and charged with indecent airfaring.

In a statement to People, American Airlines said American Eagle Flight 3921 was traveling from Chicago to Manchester, New Hampshire when it made the emergency landing at Buffalo-Niagara International Airport due to a disruptive customer. McCarthy allegedly told police during questioning that he enjoys drinking Jack and Coke.

And had multiple before boarding his flight in Portland, Oregon. And then several more during his layover in Chicago, the complaint states. Counselor Josh Welch, what do you have to say about this? Well, I can relate to Jack and Coke's. I remember those days of Jack and Coke's. It sounds like Mr. McCarthy said,

Needs to clean up his act a little bit. Unfortunately, being intoxicated is not necessarily a defense to committing some sort of criminal offense, like exposing your private parts to other members or other passengers on a plane. So...

I think normally in situations like this, you can always identify the problem as being drugs or alcohol. Yeah. And that, I think, is what happened here. Mr. McCarthy was bellowing back a few Jack and Cokes before the flight. He was bellowing back a few Jack and Cokes during the flight. At some point, his judgment became impaired, and he thought that pulling out his penis, I assume, was a good idea. Yeah.

If in fact that's what happened. Yeah. And I'm sure, you know, the next day or two, it kind of dawned on him what a fucking disaster this is. And he shouldn't have had that much to drink. Here's what I have to say about this. Being around drunk people is intolerable. The only way you can handle it is if you yourself are drunk as well. And so you have this situation where you see these things that are going on at the airport, which we have

you know if you've listened to this podcast for the last two years you've realized these places are very hostile places for human beings to navigate airports particularly when you get on airplanes

So what should be done about, you know, people just getting all liquored up and then the layovers and then you've got some drunk ass passenger. Remember that time that I got into it with those people? Oh, yeah. To Mexico, they were hammered. They showed up hammered. They drank the whole flight. By the end of the flight, you just fucking blew their doors off. The thing that I've noticed about and you mentioned airports, it seems like people are just wound up a lot more. People are just meaner.

Whether it's in person, like everybody's uptight. Nobody just wants to be kind. If somebody wants, and occasionally you run into someone, it's like that. But, you know, if someone needs to go first, let them go first. You know, be nice. Say, you're welcome. Go ahead.

Just everybody is, especially on airplanes, like it is pretty much if you nudge into someone or something, everyone's looking for an excuse just to become unraveled, just to bitch at you. My theory on this is you're asking the entire public.

to behave in the same way. And there's just a lot of people that cannot conform their behavior to quote unquote normal. They just, they want to be an asshole all the time. They dig it. They're mad. They like it. Normally they're MAGA voters, but that, I don't know about that. That's just my opinion. Okay. I do have one thing about that though.

When you said he was drunk versus just a nut, I was kind of relieved because I was like, what the fuck is wrong with him that he's pulling out his weenie and peeing in an airplane? So and I was just like, did he have a psychotic break? Was there some kind of episode? So honestly, when you told me he was shit faced, I was kind of relieved. This goes back to we need him on the no fly list.

I mean, it just has to happen. The I've had it, no fly list is something that the country desperately needs. Desperately needs. I mean, we need to have, and we can be the committee. Absolutely. I'm happy to do all the reviewing. I am too. Okay. The next story is single women are happier than single men, according to science. Single women are happier than...

than single men and aren't in a rush to partner up anytime soon. A new study says that heterosexual relationships lead to, quote, more rewards for men and more costs for women. All right, Pumps, you are a single woman with your Siberian Husky. Both, two. Two of them. Two Siberian Huskies. Are you happier? Infinitely happier.

I absolutely, I agree with all of that. I think it's true. Let me ask you this. In the last several years that you've been single, I have two questions for you. Okay. And they're both yes or no. Has anybody eaten the center of a cinnamon roll that you delayed gratification to have as your very last reward bite?

No, they have not. Okay. Second question. After you got a really cute little outfit for your 50th birthday and you're all dolled up looking as good as you could possibly look at your age.

Did any partner or man or anybody in your life take an unauthorized bite of your food and ruin your darling little shorts that you splurged on with marinara sauce? No, they did not. Okay. So let me go back. This article says, hang on, I want to read one little sentence here that I thought was the quote from the scientist is more rewards for men than

and more costs for women. Josh, what are your opinions on this? I seem to be hashtag winning. I seem to be getting the good side of this deal. I think there's a lot of truth in that. It seems like women, they provide a lot of the, they have to absorb a lot of the bullets, a lot of the hits at the man's expense. I think they're stronger willed. I think that they're tougher.

I think there's a lot of truth in that. I think in every relationship you see, a good woman has kind of absorbed bad things that have happened and made both of them better. I think that would be applicable to me and Jennifer. Kylie, would you please make sure you, that what he just said, can you cut that and text that to me? Absolutely. I'll set it as your ringtone. Set it as my ringtone when he calls me.

So, Pumps, recently my youngest son was having this rash on his arm and he wanted to go see a dermatologist. I didn't know who to go to, but I have this app called ZocDoc and I was able to find a dermatologist within 24 hours. You know what I love about ZocDoc? You can find a doctor that's close to you that has available appointments.

And takes your insurance before you even have to leave your house. Listener, ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click instantly to book an appointment. We're talking about in-network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health to dental health.

eye care to skin care, and much more. Plus, ZocDoc appointments happen fast. Typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking, you can even score same-day appointments.

So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash I've had it to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash I've had it. ZocDoc.com slash I've had it.

Pumps, I have a little shopping hack for you for this holiday season. Skims Holiday Shop. They have something for everyone, for the man in your life, for the babies in your life, and for yourself. I personally love the Skims bralette, and I've bought them for a couple of girlfriends, and they come in the cutest little prepackaged boxes. Everything from Skims is just my favorite. I love my soft lounge sleep set. It's so cute.

It's the first thing I do when I get out from work is I put it on. And if I want to run up to Walgreens, I can do it.

I love the cozy robe. I bought one for my mother. It is so soft. It is so comfy. I'm telling you guys, the Skims Holiday Shop is where it's at. Listener, shop Skims Holiday Shop at Skims.com, available in styles for women, men, kids, and even your pets. If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know that we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop down menu that follows.

Something I've noticed, I would say probably around the last 18 months with pumps. And I have always found that when people go out of their way to make declarative statements multiple times, you have to say, why do they keep saying this? And the statement, declarative statement that pumps has made multiple times over the last 18 months is as follows.

I will never date an inmate. I will never date anybody that is currently in jail. To me, this is so obvious that you wouldn't date a prisoner. I've never felt like I needed to say, yeah, I'm not going to date somebody who's in prison or I'm not going to date somebody who's in the loony bin because in my brain, it's a foregone conclusion. Right.

And, you know, it's kind of like when you hear somebody who's a big Bible thumper going on and on and on. You're like, oh, we know what's going on with their Google search history. So, Pumps, I have to ask you, number one, why do you keep telling everybody this? You've done it on our podcast. You've done it at live shows.

You've also done it in private, just like you and me having a conversation on an airplane, avoiding somebody, you know, urine stream flying at us. And I want to know why you feel the need to declare this so vociferously. Well, the only thing I can think of is that I didn't have a clue that there was like a match, like a love hookup site for people in prison.

And outside people. And then I got, it was while we were touring and I can't remember what city it was in, but we were there like three or four hours early. And we each had our own dressing rooms and my TV was on and it was about people that get married to somebody in prison.

And I just, I sat there and I was glued to it. I could not take my eyes off of it. I was captivated. I was like, what in the fuck is happening that these people are going to marry someone they've never met?

That's in prison. So then after I got off the road, I binged the entire series because I just fascinated me. And, you know, I was fascinated with the and this was 20 years ago. I'm not cool doing it now. But I read the Menendez wife's book and they met and married in prison. I just find that whole situation so fascinating. But I will say this.

I did watch this show about people that get married when the partner's in prison. And then the minute they come out, they just it's like immediate falls apart, which you would think, well, of course, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it's something about the commitment issues. Like, it's great to have the commitment to somebody that you don't have to see or really have a commitment with. And I think on some level, I kind of identify with that a little bit. This is the heart of the matter that I want us to get to.

I think when you, you've said it, I'm thinking it's like a dozen times. Oh, probably. I would never date somebody in prison. I will never date anybody.

an inmate. It's like me saying, I will never shoot up meth. You know, I mean, it's just, and if you heard me say that like a dozen times, you would think, I think Jennifer wants to shoot up meth. That's what you would, that's the conclusion that you would ultimately make. Don't you think, Kylie? Yeah. It's like Mike Johnson talking about how you shouldn't watch porn all the time. He's watching a shit ton of porn. Exactly. So

So here we have, here's the case, and then we'll have Josh weigh in on this. Here are the facts as they stand. Pumps starts making proclamations, declarative statements, announcements. She's not going to date an inmate. She's not dating somebody in prison. Multiple times, sustained declarative statements consistent over the past 18 months. Just a few minutes ago, everybody heard her.

kind of with glee, talk about the fascination of this dating site and these women that go and visit. And then we heard about the binge watching. And I saw like, I could feel like the chills. I could feel the pheromonal impact over here is how, I mean, I'm like, she really likes the danger and the excitement of this. Do you want me to add something that makes you sound more right? Yes, I do. Yeah.

I even have a girlfriend that watches the same show and we would talk about it all the time. We even got on the PrisonerMatch.com thing just to look to see what it says, because it'll say straight up like, yes, he murdered five people. Yes, he's a rapist, but it has his picture. So, yeah, I mean, we didn't like pay or anything. You know, it just pulls up and there's like thousands and thousands of these people. This makes perfect sense. The plot is thickening, listener, as you've just heard.

Now we know that she has confessed that she has been on the dating website. I've looked at all of them. I just think this is really, really interesting. And I think Pumps wants to marry one of the Menendez brothers. That's my opinion. Josh, what do you make of all of this? I've got a couple of observations. The first one is, are they married?

To get on these apps, are they using illegal cell phones while in the Department of Corrections? Because you don't have a cell phone in prison. I have no idea. So when they're uploading their profile picture, do they have a profile picture? It's a picture. I'm not... I can't remember. It's been a while. Maybe it was like their mugshot. Okay. I was going to say, are they in a jumpsuit? I think they were in jumpsuits, if memory serves. Both of you, I would pose this question. Have you been attracted to or dated people who...

belong in prison, not in prison, but belong in prison. Yes. I currently am married to somebody who belongs in prison as evidenced by what we will refer to as cinnamon roll gate and Gucci short gate. Right. Because I, there's no question that your ex-husband should be incarcerated. Right. Because I draw that distinction. The only difference in that question is, is

And the former, the person is actually in jail. Right. Okay. But with the latter, there's no question the person belongs in jail. Right. That he fits the criteria to be in jail. Right.

And I think both of you to a certain extent can check that box. Yeah, I do too. There's no doubt. That's not saying a whole lot about myself either. I have the best idea that I have ever had in my entire life. And I know that the patriots and gayatriots and natriots are 1 million percent with me on this.

We all know this podcast is long past its prime and is set to faceplant any minute. Any minute. I mean, the fact that it's still going is nothing short of miraculous and somehow... Miracle. Yeah, totally. All right. So...

You don't really want to go back to practicing law. I'll go, you know, just expand my design business back to where it was. So no problem there. So the problem for you is what will pumps do? We know for a fact that you also toy with this idea of being a dominatrix. It's come up multiple times in the podcast. No, Kylie can play the tapes.

It's come up multiple times, this idea of you being a dominatrix and kind of browbeating these Republican men in a sexually degrading manner. Okay. We also know through all of these declarative statements that you're very obsessed with

I would say consumed binge watching on spending all these hours on these match sites for these inmates. I just hours upon hours upon hours. Y'all heard it. Kyla will play the tape again after this hour she's spending on this site. You could be a guard at a prison. No, I think I'm telling you and get this. Your nickname could be.

the Siberian Husky. And you could take your Siberian Husky as your work dog. Oh, like my guard dog at work or whatever. Yes. Strap sniffer dog or whatever. Yes. Yeah. And then you would have access to sex, consensual, of course, with the inmates. And you could have multiple boyfriends in jail. The only problem with that is it's illegal. They could go to jail for it.

So I'm going to pass on that. Right. Okay. I believe, I don't know if Josh knows this story. So our last live show that we did in New York was,

Pumps received two love letters from a gentleman, handwritten, that came to the show that's obsessed with Pumps, left his phone number. And it's been brought to my attention that he has now left a voice memo for Pumps. He is in hot pursuit. And I believe that he might not qualify to date her because I do not believe he is currently incarcerated. Kylie, will you please play this voice memo for us? Yes. So he sent us an email.

And he said to call him DJ. And he wants this played so he can humiliate himself one last time. And it's a response to you all and Jared Freed. Hey, everyone. This is DJ from Brooklyn, a.k.a. The man with the paper sack. I heard he still fathered two kids. Really? And I'd like to respond to Jared Freed. It's actually pretty sweet. He has the hots for you. Love it. So they pass the note to Pumps. 50.

56. Who was he at the show with? I think that's the big one. No one. I don't know. Came alone. It appeared he came alone. Okay, serial killer vibes. And I didn't have a kid. Shut the fuck up. Shut the hell up. Okay, so let's take this through. Who am I supposed to go there with?

Who am I supposed to bring to the show? Another guy? Yeah. So bring along some charming guy who, unlike me, doesn't have a tiny dick. No, I'm not going to cock block myself. Oh, bring a woman. Yeah, that always sends a clear message. Is she with him? Is she not? What's she doing there? Oh, I know. Yeah, yeah. Bring a date. Nothing spells romance like going to chat up another woman. We text. We make a plan.

The minute you go to the second note, now that is what like someone does who has captured your child. What I should have done, should have done, was get a VIP ticket, gone to the meet and greet like a human being. I would have introduced myself to both of you, told you how much the iHit podcast has meant to me. It's not as liberal in Brooklyn as people like to imagine. I'm a blue dot in a blood red magus cesspool. My family's biracial and queer, and I worry every day for our future.

You ladies are some of the only people giving me hope. And on a more personal note, Pumps, I'd be honored if you go bike riding in Central Park with me, or we could go to my favorite bookstore.

Here's my number. I'll just slink away now in embarrassment. - Do you even want a partner? - I don't really want a partner. - Okay, so then the conversation- - I'm really selfish. I'm not a huge prize. - Shut the fuck up. - I mean, New York is a good place to visit. - You could meet him like Roy. Once, two days. - Yeah. - Tons of fucking- - Two day sex facts. - Yeah. - Plus, he's the midlife Roy. - Yeah, but I think he speaks- - MLR. - My problem is talking. I don't like to talk a lot. - What's to talk about? - You just think fake out. - I'm all out of love.

Okay, here's what I have to say. DJ, wow. I'm impressed. You're talented. The only hindrance I see for DJ at this moment is the fact that he's not incarcerated.

That's the only roadblock I see. Here's the thing. He's liberal. Yeah. He put a lot of effort into that. No, I mean, that was impressive. I'm going to say that was impressive. A lot of effort into that. His argument about what do I do? Come with a guy and cockblock myself. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm impressed. Kyla, are you impressed? I am. And I have his phone number if you want it afterwards. Okay.

Josh, what do you think? Well, why aren't you pursuing this? I mean, what else you got on the menu? Because he's not in jail. Because he's not in jail. That's why. What else is on the menu here for you? Nothing. What do you got to lose? You know, go get a bike. Go through Central Park. You guys go. There's nothing like a bike, really. So that can't work. I could walk. I think you need to expand and give this guy a chance. He put more effort into that goddamn thing than most men are ever going to put into anything for you. So...

Take advantage of it. Put yourself out there. Look at Josh being adorable. Yeah. That's a lot of work. No, that is. He went in and- I think he really likes you. Yeah. And you know what? I bet he makes declarative statements like, I'm not going to date pumps. I'm not going to date pumps because secretly he wants to date pumps. I'll tell you what I didn't miss in that whole thing is that his dick's not small. That stuck out to me.

It's not that it's not. Yeah. Yeah. And it seems like you could sort of hit it and quit it too. Like there doesn't have to be any soap opera makeout sessions. You know. Everything with pumps always goes back to the dick size too. I just, our listener knows this. Yeah.

It's nonstop. You just mentioned it casually and I thought, okay, that's something. Did that stick out to you? Of course not. Okay, that's what I'm saying. No, but of course I know that you zeroed in on it like a heat-seeking missile. Yeah. No, I just, I think that this is DJ-ish.

DJ, I'm very impressed with all of that. Very impressed. Josh and I support this. If she doesn't call you in the next month or so, my recommendation is as follows, DJ.

Get arrested for something. Do not hire Josh because you would for sure get off. Right. Hire, just go with a public defender. Get incarcerated. Somehow get a phone in prison and send your dating profile to Kylie. Because if I've heard her say it once, I've heard her say it 15 times. I will never date somebody in prison. Yeah.

That's all true. It's just crazy how often you say it is all I'm saying. Yeah. I mean, I was in it for a while. Which 100% means it's true. What? When you say something 10, 15 times. It's 100% true. I know I was saying it a lot when I was watching the show. Because my girlfriend and I would talk about, we'd watch the show and then we'd call each other and be like, are you fucking kidding me? Do you think if maybe he dressed like an inmate? No.

Just without being incarcerated, if you just looked and played the part, would that be more attractive? Would it provide more incentive for you to want to engage? Just kind of stink and wear some jumpsuits and like flip flops and eat ham sandwiches. Wear those little thong things they wear. Yeah, exactly. Don't shower.

And then see if your antenna goes up. I think it's worth a shot. Do you remember when I worked with you for you because I was not competent without you?

When you would have me go over with people to do stuff at the jail, remember I started carrying like gum and TikToks and I was just like, I just had a whole, or Tic Tacs, Tic Tacs. I mean, I just had a whole line of mints and breath freshener because you're right there. You're like right here whispering to each other like this. And it's like jail breath. Oh my God, it's awful.

So I became the convenience store of the 8th floor of the Oklahoma County Courthouse. Maybe I introduced you to this new way of life, this new fetish that you have. It clearly is a fetish. I've never heard somebody talk about something so much in my entire life. It is a Trumpian-style obsession with making a statement about something you don't want to do. And that just sticks out to me.

You know, it really sticks out to me. Too bad we don't have like a fast forward button and we can see in the next 10 years. Which inmate you date? Which inmate I'm madly in love with, fall in love, get married in jail in the visiting area. It used to be that you would never have a Frenchie. I'll never get a Frenchie. I would never get a Frenchie. I would never have a Frenchie.

I'm going to get a new dog, but it will not be a Frenchie. What do you have? A Frenchie. And what is my favorite thing on planet Earth? The Frenchie. What could I not live without? The Frenchie. Who is your soulmate? An inmate. The Frenchie. Okay, listen up. Thank you guys for joining us. We hope you have a very happy holiday. Josh, thank you for joining us. You're welcome. You're welcome. On I've Had It. And we will see you guys. Pumps, tell them. We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Listen up, patriots, gay-triots, and nay-triots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20-minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcasts and YouTube.

Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say? Caw-caw! A little bit more enthusiasm. Caw-caw! That's it. That's, that's... Caw-caw! That's the patriotism that this country needs right there.

Lights are going up, snow is falling down, there's a feeling of goodwill around town. It could only mean one, McRib is here. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere. Stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only, McRib is here. At participating McDonald's for a limited time.

Sometimes you have to break from tradition to make something better, or in this case, a smoother spirit. Martel Blue Swift is made of French cognac, but because it's finished in bourbon barrels from America, they're not allowed to call it cognac. The shockingly smooth taste is rich and aromatic with distinctive hints of toasted oak from the bourbon casks, making it perfect for cocktails. Martel Blue Swift. Defy expectations. Enjoy our quality responsibly.

The sizzle of McDonald's sausage. It's enough to make you crave your favorite breakfast. Enough to head over to McDonald's. Enough to make you really wish this commercial were scratch and sniff. And if you're a sausage person, now get two satisfyingly savory sausage McGriddles, sausage biscuits, or sausage burritos for just $3.33. Or mix and match. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer or combo meal. Single item at regular price. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

Life can throw a lot your way in the morning. You might be battling drop-off times while your kids are battling imaginary monsters or their shoelaces. But no matter what life brings, Life Cereal puts a smile on everyone's face. With 24 grams of whole grains and unexpected sweetness in every serving, it's sure to please even the pickiest eaters. Help start your mornings with Life Cereal.